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Deconstructing Delena – My Picks for the Top Ten Damon and Elena Moments from the SECOND HALF of The Vampire Diaries’ Second Season

It’s been a good year for us Delena fans on TVD, hasn’t it?  (And, judging by where things left off, next year promises to be EVEN BETTER!  YIPPEE!) 

After an admittedly shaky start (Jeremy Neck Snap Incident, anyone?), us stalwart D&E fans fans were eventually rewarded for our patience, with a Season 2 Smorgasbord of Tasty Delena goodness.  Within just the first 10 episodes of the Season, we were treated to multiple phallic encounters . . .

 . . . passionate exchanges . . .

 .  . . near kisses . . .

 . . . and, of course, one VERY SPECIAL (but equally frustrating) declaration of love . . .

Having experienced the joy of all that, who would have thought that the scenes I just described would ultimately end up being just a precursor to all the FABULOUS Delena Decadence that was to come?

And it is for this reason that, while I had already crafted a list of the Top Ten Delena Moments of Season 1 . . . and followed that up with a SECOND list, featuring the Top Ten Moments of the FIRST half of Season 2 . . . I simply couldn’t resist writing a THIRD article, focusing on the Top Ten Delena Moments of the SECOND half of Season 2.   After all, far be it for me to deny my fellow Delena fans, the opportunity to relive the ecstasy of THE FIRST KISS . . .

 

What follows are my favorite Damon and Elena scenes from the last eleven episodes of TVD’s second Season, starting from “The Descent,” and ending with “As I Lay Dying.”   So, without further adieu, let Sweet, Sexy, and Swoon-worthy Nostalgia BEGIN!

10. “Be the Better Man, Damon.”

Episode: “Daddy Issues” – 2 X 13

Setting the Scene:

Team Save Elena (a.k.a. The Scooby Gang) has been making some questionable decisions lately.  And it’s been trying Damon’s already-limited patience, BIG TIME.  First, Stefan comes up with the “brilliant idea” of inviting Known Vampire Hater Uncle/Father John, and Elena’s Evil Bio Mom Vampire Isobel back to town, so that they could “join the team.”  Damon and Elena don’t trust either of these two sorry excuses for parents, as far as they can throw them.  However, both recognize that John might have information the two could use to defeat Klaus.  “Be the better man,” Elena cautions Damon for the first time that evening, before Damon meets John at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to exchange a few words.


Damon DOES, somehow, manage to hold his tongue, when speaking to John (just barely).  Not long after, however, Elena gets a call from Stefan, informing her that the werewolves (Jules and Wereoaf Brady) are holding Vampire Caroline hostage.  As a condition of Caroline’s safe release, the werewolves wish to “strike up a deal.” They will return Caroline, in exchange for resident werewolf, Tyler Lockwood. 

Upon hearing this, Damon, (who, up to this point, had been completely kept out of the loop, regarding the whole “Tyler is a werewolf” thing) is FURIOUS about this recent turn of events.  And he is not at all shy about sharing these feelings with Elena . .

Potent Quotables:

Damon: (about Tyler) “He’s a werewolf.  He needs to die.  I’m willing to kill.  It’s win/win!”

And later . . .

Damon: “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming I’ll play the good guy, because it’s YOU who’s asking.”

Elena: “Be the Better Man, Damon.”

And still later . . .

Damon:  (to Uncle/Father John) “First Dad Duty?  Ground your daughter . . . keep her here.”

Elena: “I’m coming with you!”

Why it made the list:

“Daddy Issues” was an important episode in the Delena canon, because it, in effectively introduced us to a completely different character, one who we hadn’t seen up to this point.  Ladies and gentleman, meet Ponytail Elena.  (She will appear again in “The Last Dance,” home to TWO MORE of our Top Ten Delena Moments.  Coincidence?  I think not!) 

While Hair Down Elena might not be sure, at this point in the game, of her feelings for Damon, Ponytail Elena already has a pretty good idea she wants him BAD!  (Remember that look of jealously flashing across Ponytail Elena’s eyes, when Andie hit on Damon for the first time?  Or the look of triumph on Ponytail Elena’s face, when Damon initially rejected her?)  Not unlike Katherine, Ponytail Elena knows EXACTLY what she needs to do to get her way . . .

It was interesting seeing THIS scene back -to-back with the earlier one in the episode, in which Elena instructs Damon to be “kinder and gentler” in his discussion with Uncle/Father John.  In both scenes: (1) Elena pleads with Damon to be “good.”  (2) He balks.  (3) She asks him to be the “Better Man.”  (4) He balks AGAIN, but reluctantly agrees. (5) She demands to follow him whereever he is going.

However, the DIFFERENCE between these two scenes is why this one made the list, and the previous one didn’t.  Unlike in the first scene, this time, Ponytail Elena is more brazen with her manipulation of Damon.  Observe how the Petrova Doppelganger gently places both of her hands on Damon’s arms affectionately, and looks up at him with her puppy dog eyes, when she asks him not to kill Tyler. 

Also different from the first scene, is Damon’s reaction.  All Damon has to do is take one look at Elena’s hand positioning, and he knows EXACTLY what she’s trying to do.  “You need to stop doing that,” he demands, eyes blazing.

I love how Elena, naively, acts as if she isn’t aware of her manipulation of Damon “Doing what?”  She asks innocently.

However, the minute he makes mention of it, Elena guiltily removes her hands from his arms.  She’s no dummy, that Ponytail Elena!  Damon’s response to Elena “(Assuming I’ll play the Good Guy, because it’s YOU who’s asking”) is the closest we’ve come to seeing Damon admit his feelings for Elena directly to her, ever since he told her he loved her, and compelled her to forget it, during “Rose,” back in episode 8.

And yet, the fact that Elena is behaving this way, to begin with, illustrates that she probably already has a pretty good idea of Damon’s feelings for her.  When affection doesn’t work, Elena falls back on her catchphrase, “Be the Better Man, Damon,” she tells him, for the second time that evening.  The phrase almost acts as a hypnotic trigger for Damon, working on him instantly.  Damon will always obey this command of Elena’s, no matter how much he may hate doing so.

And why not?  After all, it’s Damon’s incorrect belief that Stefan is a “Better Man” than he is, that keeps him from more actively pursuing Elena, in the first place!  At this point in the series, Damon still believes he doesn’t DESERVE Elena.  We see this at the end of the episode when the “Better Man” line makes it’s third appearance.  “I’m in love with a woman I can’t have,” Damon tells Andie, during the pseudo-couple’s infamous Bathtub Scene.  “I have to stay together (read “in control of my emotions”) to protect her, which means, I can’t be who I AM!”

As the series draws to a close, Damon will gradually come to learn how wrong he is in this assessment.  But, for now, the elder Salvatore Brother will just have to rejoice in the mini victory of having let Ponytail Elena know that he has her number. 

And, hey, she DID want to “come with him” to rescue Tyler, didn’t she?  Only this time, Damon said “NO!”

“Nice try, Sweet Cheeks!  It’s called ‘playing hard to get.’  Get used to it!”

So, you might be wondering why I included this scene at the top of my list, especially since it seems to show more of a manipulation of Damon on Elena’s part, than actual affection.  Well . . . I don’t think that’s ALL it shows. 

In “Daddy Issues,” more than any episode we had seen in Season 2 (at least up to THIS point in the season), Damon and Elena are relating to one another in that same super-close, married couple, type way, we witnessed during KEY Season 1 Delena episodes, like “Bloodlines,” and “Blood Brothers.”  And, don’t forget, this is POST Jeremy Neck Snap Incident!  So, that’s saying a lot!

Yes, they are bickering . . . and arguing . . . and Elena seems to be getting on Damon’s nerves a bit.  But beneath all that, are two people who are on the same page.  They understand how eachother think.   And they subconsciously take comfort in eachother’s company.  Why else would Elena keep following Damon around for the ENTIRE first half of the episode?  Where was STEFAN during all that time?  HMM?

9. Damon asks for Elena’s forgiveness

Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22

Setting the Scene:

Having been bitten by Teen Wolf Tyler, during his werewolf transformation, Damon believes himself to be doomed to die a painful and ugly death by were-rabies.  If Rose’s rapid disease progression is any indication, Damon has a few days to live at most, and just hours, before he begins showing signs of dementia.  Despite all this, Damon has made the selfless, but tragic, decision not to inform Elena of his impending death.  “The last thing [Elena] needs is another grave to mourn,” Damon tells Stefan, when his younger brother first learns of the fatal bite.

And yet Damon has one dying wish: that Elena forgive him for going against her wishes, and force-feeding her his blood, prior to The Sacrifice.  (He did this, so that if Klaus, in fact, killed her, she would at least return as a vampire.) 

Thanks to Uncle/Father John sacrificing his soul . . . and his life, for Elena’s, Elena was revived following the Sacrifice, and was able to retain her humanity.  And yet, Elena has still not verbally forgiven Damon for his actions.  In this scene, Damon arrives at Elena’s house, the morning after John’s and Jenna’s funeral, in hopes of obtaining the absolution he so desperately needs from the woman he loves more than life itself.

Potent Quotables:

Damon: “I want to apologize . . . please  . . .  Elena feeding you my blood, I was wrong.  And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need it.”

Elena: “And I need some time . . . maybe a lot of time.”

Damon: “Sure . . . of course . . . take all the time you need.”

Why it made the list:

This short simple scene is important, in that it functions as the first step in the journey Damon and Elena take toward mutual forgiveness, acceptance, and possibly much more, during the final episode of the series.  The tragedy of this scene, as mentioned above, is that Elena doesn’t know that Damon is dying.  Yet, he refuses to tell her. 

Damon “needs” Elena’s forgiveness, so that he can die in peace.  And yet, he doesn’t want that forgiveness to come from a place of PITY (Take THAT, Pity Kiss THEORISTS!), or guilt.  In the epic words Damon himself used last season, in explaining the reason he didn’t compel Elena during the pair’s trip to Georgia, “I wanted it to be real.” 

The OLD Damon might have become frustrated with Elena’s stubborness, and refusal to forgive him.  (I mean, it’s not like she actually turned into a VAMPIRE, or anything!)  Remember how quickly Damon started to pout and complain, when Elena refused to forgive him for the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident, earlier on in the season?  But this is a different Damon from the one we knew back then.  This Damon truly is “a Better Man.”

Notice how, throughout the scene, even though Damon is obviously going through a TON of personal sh*t, his focus is always on Elena.  Watching her linger over Aunt Jenna’s room in the morning, Damon IMMEDIATELY knows the anguish Elena is feeling, upon seeing that bed empty.  “It will get easier,” he tells her comfortingly.   “Then again, you already knew that.”

And even when Elena refuses to forgive Damon, and he realizes that there is a good chance he will die without receiving that forgiveness, Damon still considers Elena’s feelings to be of the utmost importance.  He even manages to smile at her, and say, “Take all the time you need,” when deep down, he knows that his own time is slowly running out . . .

The fact that Damon and Elena started the episode in THIS sad place, however, makes where they end up, by the end of the episode, all the more miraculous . . .

8. Elena rescues Damon . . . from himself!

Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22

Setting the Scene:

Damon’s time is running out.  His were-rabies has now set in at full force.  He’s feeling weak, is in an incredible amount of pain, and is beginning to have difficulty distinguishing his flashback hallucinations (featuring Katherine) from reality.  That’s the BAD news. 

The good news is that Damon’s hallucinations have been oddly therapeutic for him.  He finally sees that he was personally responsible for his decision to turn vampire, back in 1864.  Neither Stefan, nor Katherine forced him to do it.  He has to find Elena, and tell her this (as well as FINALLY confess his true feelings for her), before it’s too late.

Elena needs to find Damon too.  She found out about his werewolf bite from Stefan, and feels terrible about the way she treated him earlier that day. (See scene above.)  Elena wants to let Damon know that she forgives him for feeding her his blood prior to the Sacrifice.  She also knows that Caroline’s AWFUL mother Lizard Forbes wants Damon dead.  And Elena wants badly to rescue Dying Damon from that b*tch.

Eventually, Damon and Elena do find one another.  But Damon just so happens to be in the throes of one of his most vivid hallucination, when the reunion occurs . . .

Potent Quotables:

Elena:  “Damon . . . come on . . . come on . . . We need to get you out of here.  We have to hide you.”

Katherine: (in flashback, after puncturing her neck, and allowing blood to drip from it) “If you want it, take it.  It is your choice to make.”

And later . . .

Elena:  (as Damon bites Katherine / Elena) “Damon, you don’t have to do this.”

Why it made the list:

This scene works on two levels.  On one, we have Damon, just hours away from death, finally coming to the realization that he is personally responsible for his decision to become a vampire.  On another, we have Elena, who, after two seasons of being rescued repeatedly by Damon, finally has the opportunity to put her own life and safety on the line, to rescue him right back. 

On some level, Damon and Elena have been searching for one another, the entire episode.  It was Damon’s instinctive knowledge that Elena was looking for him outside, that prompted Damon to send Alaric for blood, knock out Lizard Forbes, and escape his makeshift cage in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Likewise, it was Elena’s need to find Damon, and comfort him, during his final moments, that prompted her to break through the glass of the police station with that chair.  (I wonder who’s going to end up having to pay for THAT!)

Of course, once Damon finds Elena, he shifts right back into hallucination mode, and can only see Katherine.  In the hallucination, Katherine’s words to Damon are direct.  She tells him that the decision to become a vampire is his choice to make.  And by biting down on Katherine’s neck, and taking her blood, he makes that choice.  Yet, in the present day, Damon is biting on Elena’s neck.   Her words to him are symbolic too.  She tells him, “You don’t have to do this.”

And though she’s referring to BITING HER, Elena’s words also apply to biting KATHERINE back in 1864.  Damon didn’t HAVE to do that.  He didn’t have to become a vampire.  And he WOULDN”T have become one, if he hadn’t made that choice.  The anguish on Damon’s face, upon waking from his reverie, and realizing that he has bitten and hurt the woman he loves, is truly heartbreaking. 

But what is sweet about the scene is Elena’s reaction.  Yes, Elena is in pain.  Yes, Damon hurt her.  But Elena isn’t angry at Damon for what he did, or worried for her own safety. 

Like Damon’s actions at the beginning of the episode, Elena’s actions here are completely selfless.  All she cares about is protecting Damon, and getting him to safety.  The way Elena holds and comforts Damon in this scene, you can tell just how much she truly cares about him.  And this show of affection is only a precursor of what’s to come later on in the episode . . .

7. Elena Comforts Damon after Rose’s Death

Episode: “The Descent” – 2 X 12

Setting the Scene:

Damon earned the ire of Big Bad Wolf Jules, when she began to (correctly) suspect that he had killed her werewolf buddy, Mason Lockwood, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s Hot Uncle. 

 The elder Salvatore brother moved even further up Wolf Girl’s Poopy List, when he and Alaric cornered her in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and (under the guise of hitting on her) were-rufied her drink with Wolfsbane. 

Fast-forward to the next Full Moon.  Jules, in werewolf form, barges into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, intent on chopping on some Salvatore skin.  (Can you blame her?  YUMMY!) 

However, instead of sinking her teeth into Damon, Jules’ pointy choppers land smack dab on the backside of Damon’s most recent Screw Buddy, Vampire Rose. 

As a result of the bite, Vampire Rose contracts some bizarre form of were rabies. (Then again, isn’t all were rabies, by definition bizarre?).  Shortly thereafte, Rose, pretty much, starts going apesh*t.  (She looks pretty hideous too.)  Rose uses her Sick Time, constructively, by chasing Elena around La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and trying to eat her.  (Personally, I prefer to spend MY sick time watching bad daytime television.  But, that’s just me . . .)

When that fails, a wacked-out Rose breaks free from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and starts chowing down on innocent Mystic Falls residents.  Damon eventually finds Rose, and brings her back to the house.  However, Rabies Rose’s days of eating the Good People of Mystic Falls are numbered.  And Damon knows it. 

Using his vampiric powers of dream walking, Damon sits Rose down in her lap, like the unruly baby she has become.  Being the Generous Mercy Killer he is, Damon creates for Rose a warm fuzzy (read “extremely cheesy”) dream, in which she and he are frolicking through the meadow. 

When Rabies Rose is feeling sufficiently blissed out, he stakes her, but not before shedding a few tears, on her behalf.

In THIS sweet and poignant Delena scene, Elena, having learned of Rose’s death, arrives at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check up on Her Future Lover . . .

Potent Quotables:

Elena:  “I came back to make sure you are OK.”

And later . . .

Elena: “Damon I’m your friend.”

Damon:  “I’m well aware of that.”

Elena: “And a friend usually knows when their friend is hurting.”

Damon: “What do you want to hear?  That I cared about Rose?  That I’m upset?  Well, I didn’t.  And I’m not.”

Elena:  “There you go, pretending to turn it off, pretending not to feel.  Damon, you’re so close.  Don’t give up.”

Damon:  “I feel, Elena, OK?  And it sucks!  What sucks even more is that it was supposed to be me.  Jules was coming after ME.”

Elena:  “You feel guilty.”

Damon:  “That would be human of me, Elena, and I’m NOT HUMAN!  You’re one to talk about giving up.   That’s all you’ve done is give up!  Go home!  There’s been enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”

Why it made the list:

You’ll notice that in this scene, unlike the ones that preceded it, I transcribed practically the ENTIRE conversation between Damon and Elena in the “potent quotables” section.  That’s because every line of this scene is heavily laden with meaning.  In fact, with the exception of the final scenes of “As I Lay Dying,” Damon’s and Elena’s exchange during “The Descent” is probably the most honest exchange they have with one another the entire season. 

Just as, in the earlier scene I posted from the finale, where Damon instinctively knows what Elena is going through, when she stares at Jenna’s empty room, Elena, having experienced Rose’s demise along with him, knows exactly how hard it was for Damon to ultimately end her life. 

We’ve seen many scenes in which Elena has pushed Damon away, for one reason or another.  However, this time, it is Damon trying to do the pushing, and Elena vying for closeness. 

Ahem?

But Elena makes a mistake, when she calls Damon “her friend.”  Of course, she’s trying to be helpful.  However, reminding Damon of their “just friends” status, during this difficult time in Damon’s life, is like rubbing salt in the wound. 

(Then again, perhaps, this is a case of thou doth protest too much?  Maybe Elena is already starting to feel a closeness to Damon beyond friendship, and needs to reiterate the “just friends” nature of their relationship to convince herself that this is the case?  Wishful thinking on my part?  Maybe . . . but maybe not. ;))

When Damon denies having any feeling about Rose’s death, however, Elena goes for the “Better Man,” card again.  Though she doesn’t use those exact words, by telling Damon that he is “so close” to humanity, that is, in effect, what she is saying.  And Elena is right.  Rose’s death did cause a sort of emotional breakthrough of sorts in Damon. 

But these emotions scare Damon, because, as he admits to Andie, in the following episode, they make him feel out of control.  They also cause him to remember how much he misses being human.  “That would be human of me, Elena.  And I’m NOT human,” he argues.  (Talk about a case of “Thou doth protest too much!”)

But even though Damon commands Elena to leave for a third time, during the scene, Elena refuses to go, without giving Damon the comfort she so desperately knows he needs.  She hesitates as she turns to leave, looking at him intently for a few beats before pulling him in for a deep Full Body Hug.  Elena’s show of affection surprises Damon, and, eventually moves him to tears. 

But Damon isn’t the only one who needed to feel closeness in that moment.  While Elena may have decided to hug Damon, in a friendly and comforting way, the look she gives him, when she pulls back from the hug, hints that she might have felt something deeper during it, than she initially expected.

For a few moments before she leaves, we see Elena stare pointedly at Damon’s eyes and lips.  She does this so intently, that, the first time I watched this scene, I really did think that she might kiss him.  But, alas, our first Delena kiss was still quite a few episodes away . . .

6. “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen!”

Episode: “The Last Dance” – 2 X 18

Setting the Scene:

Though he has not yet shown his “true face” to the Scooby Gang, Klaus has not been shy about expressing his desire to “capture” Elena, and use her in his Wacky Sacrifice Ritual.  By compelling one of her classmates, Klaus delivers a creepy message to Elena that she should expect to “meet” him at the sixties-themed dance being held at the high school.  Rather than avoid the dance (which, to be honest, would have made a heck of a lot more sense), the entire Scooby Gang, Elena included, decides to attend.  Their plan is to draw Klaus out, and then kill him . . . somehow. 

Needless to say, tensions are high.  And no one is more tense than Elena.  That is, until . . .

Potent Quotables:

Why it made the list:

Damon: “How you doin?”

Elena: “Umm . . . freaking out a bit.  You?”

Damon: “Cool as a cucumber.  Come on . . . remember the last Decade Dance.  The vampires were all ‘Arrrghhhh’ and you were all ‘Ahhhhh!”

Elena:  “Right . . . and . . . we won.”

Damon: “Yes, we did.”

Elena:  “You’re good at this.”

Damon: “I’ve got moves, you’ve never seen.”

You know what I actually just noticed about this scene?  (And it’s something that I had never picked up on, in the 20 or so times I watched it before hand.)  There’s this little moment, before Stefan leaves to go talk to Caroline, that he gives Damon a bit of a head nod, actually ENCOURAGING him to dance with Elena! 

Dear old Selfless Stefan . . . you have no idea what you are getting your “girlfriend’ into!  Doesn’t Baby Salvatore know that no girl can resist a Dancing Damon?

Least of all . . . Elena . . .

Still, you might be wondering why this scene ranks so high on my list, when the ones preceeding it are so much more “emotionally intense.”  But, actually, the fact that this scene WAS SO LIGHTHEARTED AND SIMPLE is precisely why it earned such a high ranking. 

The Delena Dance of Season 2, much like the one in Season 1 that preceded it, allowed us a glimpse into what Damon and Elena will be like as an ACTUAL COUPLE.  In just a few short seconds of grooving together, Damon and Elena, illustrate all the fun, sex appeal, wit, good humor, and understanding that is going to make Delena such a force to be reckoned with in season 3.

I love the look of shock and arousal that crosses Elena’s face, when Damon first whirls her into his chest.  As we’ve seen often with Elena, when she comes in close contact with Damon, she often seems mesmerized, by his mouth in particular. 

And, though Damon is trying to play it, “cool as a cucumber” (his words, not mine), we can see that he isn’t exactly immune to Elena’s charms either.  There’s a brief second where Damon loses himself in the movement of the dance, and forgets all about Klaus, the Sacrifice, and all his schemes.  In that moment, these are just two beautiful people who are insanely hot for one another.

That being said, when Elena openly admits to Damon that she is “freaking out a bit,” Damon immediately becomes refocused on the task at hand:  Operation Cheer Up Elena!  And Cheer Elena up he does, through a combination of fun, un-self-conscious goofiness . . .

 . . . good humor, and logical reasoning.  Damon immediately is able to set Elena at ease, and make her smile, in a way, few members of the Scooby Gang are able to do.  But in addition to being really funny, Damon’s “The vampires were like Arrrgh, and you were like Ahhh,” was also a wise and reassuring statement.  In other words, “We beat the bad guys before, and we will beat them again.”

Of course, once Damon has sufficiently calmed Elena down, and converted her from Brooding Damsel in Distress to Giddy High Schooler Dancing with Hot Boy, Damon ramps up the charm, dipping her, pulling her close to his body and face, and whispering seductively in her ear, “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen.”

“You’re good at this,” Elena admits breathlessly, looking very much like she wants to makeout with him right there on the dance floor.

Well, isn’t that the Understatement of the Year . . .

5. “I can’t lose you.”

Episode: “The Last Day” – 2 X 20

Setting the Scene:

Not willing to accept that Bonnie’s death (through the exhaustion of all her witch powers) is the ONLY way to kill Klaus, Elena defies the wishes of the ENTIRE Scooby Gang, by de-staking Elijah, and bringing him back to life. 

Elijah claims to have a plan to save Elena’s life, while still allowing Klaus to proceed with the Sacrifice Ritual.  Then, once Klaus is in the throes of a werewolf transformation, and is in a weakened state, ELIJAH will stake KLAUS with the same dagger Elena used to stake HIM in “Crying Wolf.”

The problem is that Elijah’s Big Plan to “save” Elena seems . . .what’s the right word . . . oh yeah . . . LAME!  It involves some sort of Romeo and Juliet-esque elixir he cooked up, that would make Elena APPEAR to be dead, throughout the Sacrifice Ritual, when, in fact, she is really alive.  Having never used the elixir before, Elijah can’t guarantee that it will work. 

 The idea of taking such a gamble with Elena’s life sickens Damon.  So, he stalks off to his room to sulk.  Elena (who LOVES Damon’s bedroom, more than any other room in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, including, apparently, Stefan’s room) immediately follows Damon there, so that the two can screw like bunny rabbits “talk.”

Potent Quotables:

Elena: “You disappeared.”

Damon: “I don’t want to hear anymore.”

Elena:  “I need you to understand why I’m doing this.”

Damon: “Why?   It clearly doesn’t matter what I think.”

Elena: “I’ll be FINE, Damon.  I’ll drink the elixir.  Bonnie will kill Klaus, and all of this will finally be over.”

And later . . .

Damon: “You think it will work . . . You WANT it to work . . . Why am I the only one who’s convinced it WON’T.  There has to be another way.”

Elena:  “There isn’t.”

Damon:  “You are going to die, Elena.”

Elena: “And then, I’ll come back to life.”

Damon:  “That is not a risk I am willing to take.”

Elena: “But I am . . . it’s my life, Damon.  My choice.”

Damon: “I can’t lose you.”

Elena: “You won’t.”

Why it made the list:

I’m just full of controversial picks today, aren’t I?  Here’s the scene where Damon FORCE FEEDS Elena his blood, and stakes Stefan, and I’ve got it as number 5 on my Delena list.  But, hopefully, after you rewatch the scene, you will see why.  You see, I feel like there’s a real parallel between this scene, and the scene that takes place between Damon and Elena at the end of “The Last Dance,” right before Elena decides to stake Klaus.  (See #3 below.) 

 Both scenes, begin with Elena entering Damon’s room.  Both scenes involve a discussion between Damon and Elena, regarding the best way to go about saving her life, during the Sacrifice. 

In “The Last Dance,” Elena REFUSES to put Bonnie’s life on the line to save her own.  Here, Damon refuses to put Elena’s life on the line for Elijah’s harebrained scheme.  “There HAS to be another way,” each party says to the other, more or less.  Both scenes climax (see what I did there?), during a moment of intense intimacy between the couple.  And, just when it seems like the two are finally in agreement with one another, there’s a moment, where you see one of them making the decision to do something they know the other person will HATE.

As I mentioned earlier, Elena LOVES Damon’s room, and adores his bed.  And whenever he is upset, she loves to go and find him there, so that she can “reach out and touch him.”  There’s an interesting dichotomy in the scene between how close Damon and Elena come to one another, and how far away their ideas as to the best course of action remain.  Throughout the scene, though Damon and Elena, both take physical steps toward one another, psychologically, they remain more far apart than ever.

Using her “Be the Better Man” trick, Elena attempts physical contact with Damon, to bring him back from the brink, when he is at his most heated.  Damon is angrily and accusatorily pointing a finger at Elena, when Elena affectionately grabs his hand in both her own, bringing it closer to her face, and massaging it, as she speaks.  

There’s a moment where Damon looks down at his and Elena’s now clasped hands.  He knows EXACTLY what Elena is trying to do.  And yet, he loves her so much, that he can’t resist her.  His pointed finger relaxes into Elena’s embrace.  His body posture softens, as he appeals to Elena’s obvious care and concern for his well being, “I can’t lose you,” he tells her, in all honesty.

“You won’t,” she assures him, eyes widened and dilated. 

Elena really believes at this point that she has reached Damon . .. and that he will go along with whatever she says, just like he has so many times in the past.  Except, sometime between Elena’s grasping of his hand, and her final promise to him, Damon comes to his decision to force-feed Elena his blood.  But even as he is making this decision, a part of him knows he will live to regret it.

“Oh crap!  I’m really about to f*ck up now, aren’t I?”

4. Damon revives Elena

Episode: “The Sun Also Rises” – 2 X 21

Setting the Scene:

As far as Klaus is concerned, the Sacrifice Ritual was a success. Aunt Jenna and Jules each gave up their lives as the vampire and werewolf sacrifices, respectively.  As the Petrova Doppelganger, Elena also gave her “life” to Klaus, when he bit into her neck, and drained her of a significant portion of her blood. 

After snapping the neck of the witch performing the ritual, Damon picks up an unconscious Elena and carries her to Stefan.  But Stefan does not wish to take Elena home just yet.  He wants to stay and make sure that Bonnie and Elijah defeat Klaus, once and for all. 

So, Damon carries Elena back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome in his arms.  At this point, her fate is still unknown.  Is she dead?  Will she come back a vampire, and spend eternity hating Damon for the role he played in her transformation?  Or has the Scooby Gang somehow managed to find some way for Elena to return to life as a human?  Damon is about to find out . . .

Potent Quotables:

Damon:  “Come back as a vampire, and I’ll stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me forever.”

Why it made the list:

It’s hard not to see this scene as blatant foreshadowing for a future Damon and Elena union, in the truest sense of the word.   I mean, who can ignore the symbolism, of Stefan asking Damon to take Elena home, himself, so that HE can stay and make sure Klaus is dead.  (Shades of Stefan’s choice in the season finale, much?) 

And then, watching Damon literally carry Elena through the darkness and the fire, to the safety of the home SHE owns, which is also his.  Then, of course, Damon CARRIES ELENA ACROSS THE THRESHOLD of the mansion.  It doesn’t get much better than that, folks!

The look of love and affection on Damon’s face, as he hovers over Elena’s unconscious body, gently running his hand across her face, and through her hair — unable to take his eyes off her for even one second — is as beautiful, as it is heartbreaking.  Who WOULDN’T want a guy to look at them like that?  And though the words Damon says to Elena, as he awaits her fate, might seem callous on the surface, they are actually the most romantic words he’s uttered throughout the entire episode.

Contrast these words to Damon’s “I can’t lose you,” in the earlier scene.  Damon force fed Elena his blood, because HE couldn’t bear the idea of living without her.  That gesture, and the thought process behind it, while romantic, is also somewhat selfish. 

Here, Damon’s thoughts are ONLY for Elena.  He now knows that SHE would rather die than be a vampire.  And even though it would literally KILL Damon to live on Earth for even a moment without Elena, he would be willing to stake her himself, if he knew that was what she truly wanted.

Of course, there’s another aspect to Damon not wanting Elena to become a vampire.  He “can’t stand the idea of [her] hating him forever.”  This is also a departure from the Damon we’ve grown to know and love for two seasons.  In “The Last Dance,” Damon was heard telling Stefan, that he didn’t care whether Elena hated him, as long as he was able to keep her safe. 

Now, we see that this isn’t the case at all.  Elena’s thoughts and feelings matter to Damon.  And from now on, he will fight just as hard to protect them, as he will to protect her life.

The other part of this scene that I loved was the intimate and powerful expression on Elena’s face when she awakens from “death” to find Damon hovering over her.  A commenter on my recap of this episode wisely noted that Elena died staring at Stefan, during The Sacrifice, and awakened staring at Damon.  There is certainly something poetic about that. 

Additionally, there lies within the meaninful look Elena gives Damon the possibility that she remembers his confession of love for her during the “Rose” episode.  After all, were it not for John’s sacrifice, which, as you can see, happens AFTER Elena awakens, not before, Elena, having died with Damon’s blood in her system, would have reawakened a vampire.  And VAMPIRES remember all instances of compulsion from their lives, as Caroline taught us, following HER vampiric reawakening . . .

So, does Elena remember Damon’s compulsion of her to forget that she loves him?  It’s indeed possible.  In fact, that very knowledge is hinted at, during the finale, and in my NUMBER 1 Delena moment of the Second Half of Season 2. 

3. “I will always choose you.”

Episode: “The Last Dance” – 2 X 18

Setting the Scene:

Damon may have saved Elena’s life the night of the sixties dance, but he did it by breaking her heart . . . albeit temporarily.  When Damon and the rest of the Scooby Gang learned that Klaus was possessing Alaric’s body, they determined, to their chagrin, that they had unwittingly provided him with information on their secret Klaus-Killing Weapon: Bonnie and Her Awesome Witchiness.  Now AlarKlaus was after Bonnie.  He wanted her out of the picture, to ensure himself a “Stress Free Sacrifice.”  And he wasn’t going to let up, until she was dead . . .

So, Bonnie and Damon came up with a devious plan.  Bonnie would pretend to exhaust her witchy powers, during a faux attempt at defeating Klaus at the dance.  Then she would play dead . . . kind of like a dog.  But the scheme had a complication: in order for KLAUS to believe that Bonnie was dead, Elena had to believe it too.  And in order for ELENA to believe that Bonnie was dead, Gossip Boy Stefan couldn’t be let in on Bonnie’s and Damon’s plan either. 

When Elena found Bonnie’s “dead” body in the school snack room, she was inconsolable.  And when Damon arrived back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, seeming not the least bit upset about Bonnie’s so called “loss of life,” an enraged Elena slapped him across the mouth . . . HARD.  It wasn’t until after Elena almost took off his BEAUTIFUL face that Damon finally decided to come clean to the woman he would do literally ANYTHING to protect. 

Damon admitted that Bonnie wasn’t really dead.  She was just hanging out in a tomb with Elena’s brother “resting her eyes.”  This made Elena feel like a bit of an idiot.  It also gave her a good excuse to enter Damon’s room AGAIN, under the guise of “apologizing” . . .

Potent Quotables:

Elena: “I understand why you did what you did.  I mean, Klaus was fooled and . . . Bonnie’s alive.”

Damon: “Here’s to duplicity.”

Elena:  “Let’s get one thing straight, Damon.  Bonnie will not die for me.  I will not let that happen . . . We’ll find another way [to kill Klaus].”

Damon: “I hope so.”

Elena:  “Look, I shouldn’t have hit you.”

Damon: “Apology accepted.”

Damon: “Let me be clear about something, if it comes down to you and the witch again, then I will gladly let Bonnie die.  I will always choose you.”

Why it made the list:

Earlier, I showed you the scene in which Damon made the decision to force feed Elena his blood to save her from certain death.  In my analysis of that scene I told you that it directly paralleled the scene from “The Last Dance,” in which Elena, after having an equally emotional and honest conversation with Damon, made the (as it turns out, not so hot) decision to de-stake Elijah.  Like the first scene, this one worked on two levels.  On one hand, it was yet another romantic bedroom scene for Damon and Elena, in which the pair let one another understand just how well they understood one another, and how much they cared for eachother.  On the other, it was a deceptive scene, because, at the very moment when it seemed like the couple had come to an understanding, one of its members was plotting to do something very stupid.

It was interesting watching Damon’s and Elena’s reactions to one another throughout the scene.  For instance, when Elena comes into Damon’s room, he clearly expects her to lecture him on not telling her his plans regarding Bonnie’s fake death.  Aim when Elena admits that she understands exactly why he did what he did, Damon is a bit taken aback.  But he is also clearly impressed by the object of his affections foresight, and understanding that sometimes the ends DO justify the means.

“Here’s to duplicity,” Damon says.  (As in, “YAY, I don’t have to apologize anymore, for doing something that I don’t think was wrong at all, and would do again in a second.”)

Elena again uses her trusted tactic of initiating physical closeness with Damon to make her point about not wanting Bonnie to die.  And though Damon does seem to bend a little, to Elena’s wishes (“I hope so,” he offers doubtfully, when Elena assures him that they will find another way to kill Klaus), we know that Damon’s position on the subject remains essentially the same. 

Now comes the time for Elena to apologize for the Face Slap Heard Round the World . . .  Elena clearly feels terrible about doing that to Damon, and wants him to know this.  When just moments ago, Elena was stalwart and strong in ensuring Bonnie’s continued livelihood, suddenly she seems shy, contrite, and a smidge coquettish.  As Elena apologizes, she dips her head downward, and self-consciously runs her hand through her hair. 

Of course, this works.  Damon can never stay mad at Elena for long.  And he accepts her apology almost immediately.  But then he makes the statement, that, while incredibly romantic, seals both of their fates, “I will always choose you.”

Upon hearing this, we see Elena go through a wide range of emotions in a very short amount of time.  There is awe at the grandness of Damon’s remark, flattery, at the extent of his feelings for her, a deep affection for the man willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe.  It’s a powerful experience for Elena.  But then . . . she SIGHS . . .

For me, the above-illustrated facial expression of Elena’s mimics the one Damon made, when he realized that he was going to force feed Elena his blood, and, in doing so, jeopardize his relationship with her.  Likewise, Elena realizes that there is no way she will ever be able to convincce Damon to save Bonnie’s life over her own.  And so, in this moment, she decides to de-stake Elijah. 

Three times, before Elena leaves Damon’s room, we see her hesitate and turn back toward him, wanting to admit what she is about to do.  There’s a big part of Elena that knows that de-staking Elijah could end up being a huge mistake.  And that part of Elena wants to confess her plans to Damon, so that he can talk her out of them.  But, ultimately, Elena’s desire to protect her friends . . . well . . .  at least to protect Bonnie . . . wins out.  And so, she leaves Damon’s room with a firm sense of purpose.

Examining this scene, side by side with the scene from “The Last Day,” even the casual viewer can see how truly alike Damon and Elena are in their way of thinging, their fierce protectiveness of others, and their courage in the face of all opposition.  One thing is for sure, as a couple, these two will be unstoppable!

2. The Cuddle

Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22

Setting the Scene:

Having finally found a were-wolf bitten Damon, just hours away from death, Elena rushes him to the comfort of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Huddled together in Damon’s bed, Damon and Elena silently vow to make every last minute between them count.  Now is not the time for secrets. 

No words can be left unsaid.  No apologies can be left unspoken.  No emotions can be left unburdened.  But will these two intimately linked individuals — who have shared so much together, during the short time they have known one another — be able to confess their true feelings for one another, before it is too late?

Potent Quotables:

Elena:  “It’s OK, Damon.  I’m right here.”

Damon: “Elena, get out of here.  I can hurt you.”

Elena:  “No, you won’t.  I’m here until the very end.  I’m NOT leaving you . . . It’s OK . . . It’s OK”

Damon:  “It’s NOT OK.  All those years, I blamed Stefan.  And no one forced me to love her.  It was my own choice.  I made the wrong choice . . . Tell Stefan I’m sorry, OK?”

Elena: “I will.”

Why it made the list:

As you might have noticed, Damon and Elena have been dancing around true displays of affection for one another, all season.  There have been forehead kisses, hugs, hand and shoulder grabs, and even a little grinding on the dance floor.  But it took Damon being moments from Death, for Elena to really give herself to him completely. 

It is no accident that again, in the final moments of the Season 2 finale, Damon and Elena are huddled together in Damon’s bed.  Watch as Elena lovingly holds Damon in her arms, cradling his body close to her with one arm, as she delicately blots the sweat from his brow with another. 

Elena saw what Rose went through in her final hours.  She recognizes the possibility that Damon, in this sickened state, could be a real danger to her.  But Elena cares for Damon so much, that she is willing to put his needs before her own.  And despite Damon’s pleas that she go, for her own good, Elena refuses to leave Damon’s side, even for a moment. 

For Damon’s part, we can see in his eyes, how much he NEEDS Elena to be near him.  And the fact that he asks her to leave, shows just as much selflessness on his part, as Elena’s staying does on hers.  Because Damon has a lot to say to Elena.  He has come to the realization that he is to blame for his own situation, and he needs Elena to know this before he dies.  He also needs Stefan to know this. 

Such is their honest relationship with one another that Elena never lies to Damon, and tells him that he’s going to survive this.  She doesn’t sugar coat things for him.  When Damon asks her to apologize to Stefan, she doesn’t tell him, “You can do it yourself, because you are going to live.”  Rather, she just pulls him closer to her, and tells him that she will.

It’s tragic that it took a lethal illness to bring Damon and Elena to this place.  Yet, it is somehow fitting.  After all, Damon’s and Elena’s relationship has always been one built on intense emotions and extreme situations.  And, sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to finally force you to realize that you can’t live without it.

1. THE KISS!

Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22

Setting the Scene:

[See description for #2 above.  THIS spectacular scene takes place just one “commercial break” after THAT one. ;)]

Potent Quotables:

Damon: “This is even more pitiful than I thought.”

Elena: “There is still hope.”

Damon: “I’ve made a lot of choices that have gotten me here.  I deserve this.  I deserve to die.”

Elena:  “No, you don’t”

Damon: “I do, Elena.  And it’s OK.   Because if I would have chosen differently, I wouldn’t have met you.  I’m so sorry.  I did so many things to hurt you.”

Elena:  “It’s OK.   I forgive you.”

Damon: “I know you love Stefan.  And that it will always be Stefan.  But I love you.  You should know that.”

Elena: “I do.”

Damon:  “You should have met me in 1864.  You would have liked me.”

Elena:  “I like you now.  Just the way you are.”

Damon:  “Thank you.”

Elena: “You’re welcome.”

Why it made the list:

I don’t think it was a surprise to any of you, that this ended up being my number one scene.  I mean, really, could Delena fans have asked for anything more.  I mean, I couldn’t have been happier, if Damon and Elena stripped naked and had their way with one another, as the final credits were rolling (which is totally how Season 3 is going to end, by the way). 

Season 1 ended with Damon kissing Elena . . . except it ended up NOT being Elena, but Katherine.  So, it was extremely fitting that Season 2 would end with a REAL Delena kiss.  The kiss itself was beautiful.  The way that Elena snuggled up close to Damon, looked lovingly at his face, and leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the lips.  While it was happening, Damon awoke from unconsciousness, a real life Sleeping Beauty, with a small but beautific smile on his face.  His eyes fluttered, and his mouth opened into a slight “O” shape.  He wasn’t expecting this.  And then, he THANKED HER, for giving him the greatest gift she could ever give him.

And yet, for many fans, there was just as much of a gift in the words that preceded the kiss, as in the kiss itself.  Damon has never been much for apologies.  And yet, he is able to apologize twice to Elena in this episode, once at its beginning for the force-feeding, and here, for ALL of his wrong doing throughout the two seasons.  So, when Elena FINALLY gives Damon the forgiveness he has been waiting for, it is a total and complete forgiveness.  Completely gone are the grudges of seasons past.  Elena and Damon are finally, once again, on an even playing field.

And it is because Damon and Elena are in this open and honest place, that Damon can FINALLY admit to Elena that he loves her, and allow her to REMEMBER it, thereby completing the circle started in Rose.

Back then, Damon made Elena forget his love, because he deemed his confession, “The most selfish thing he ever did.”  But Damon’s new confession of love is not in the least bit selfish, because he doesn’t expect Elena to love him in return.  Heck, he doesn’t even expect to live out the hour!  Damon repeats Elena’s words to him from the Season Premiere.  “I know you love Stefan . . . it will always be Stefan,” but he says them with no bitterness or ire.  He’s made peace with his little brother, and Elena’s love for him.  He simply believes that Elena has a right to know that he loves her more than life itself.  Because that kind of love is a gift to be cherished, even if it cannot be returned.

Except . . . maybe it can, because Elena’s cycle of always pushing Damon to be the “Better Man” is closed in this scene too.  That ends with Elena’s declaration that she likes him now, just the way he is, troubled, headstrong, impulsive, and deeply worthy of someone’s love.  The threat of losing Damon has caused Elena to realize just how much she needs him in her life.  And though Damon IS in fact a Better Man than the one we met in the pilot, he is still a flawed character.  

But it are these flaws that bond Damon and Elena, and will undoubtedly continue to bond them throughout Season 3, as they cope with the guilt of their growing bond with one another, in Stefan’s absence, and struggle to ascertain what they mean to one another.  In many ways, “As I Lay Dying,” was an end.  An end of the Season, an end of the Sacrifice, and end of a very important period of personal growth for Damon.  But in many other ways, it is a turning point.

And when Damon sits up in his bed at the end of the episode, and looks at Elena with new and healthy eyes, some would say his new life is just beginning . . . and so is hers.

So, there you have it, folks: my picks for the Top Ten Moments from the final 11 episodes of Season 2 of TVD.  Which ones were YOUR favorites? 

P.S.  Has the TVD hiatus left you hungry for more SHIPPER-friendly Top Ten Lists?  If so, be sure to check out my super talented, and often hilarious, blogger pal Cherie’s analysis of the Top Ten FORWOOD moments from Season 2.  Trust me, you won’t regret it!  The post is made of awesome. 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Damon and Elena, Damon Salvatore, Delena, Elena Gilbert, Television Super Couples, The Vampire Diaries, Top Ten Lists

Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

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ELENA:  “Mmmm . . . your face tastes good . . . like chocolate . . . and sex.  I’ve been waiting for TWO SEASONS to do this!”

DAMON: “Yes, Elena.  My mouth is heavenly, isn’t it?  You know what OTHER part of me is heavenly?  I’ll give you a hint, you’re leaning against it, right now.”

ELENA:  “Slow down, horndog!  Save something for the SEASON 3 FINALE!”

 Holy heck, Fangbangers!  Say what you will about the TVD writers, but they SURE do know how to end off a season with a bang . . . (and a bite . . . and a suck . . . and an “Aren’t you supposed to already be dead?”).  Perhaps, I should take a moment to remind you about the LAST SEASON FINALE . . .  Remember THIS?

. . . and THIS?

 . . . and THIS?

How about THIS?

As I was watching the Season 2 Finale, I kept thinking back on TVD’s FIRST season ender, and realizing what very different “creatures” these two episodes were.  While the Season 1 Finale, was all about nonstop action, chaos, and the creation of multiple cliffhangers . . .

 . . . the Season 2 Finale was quieter and slower moving, but, arguably, more thought provoking.  The way I see it, “As I Lay Dying,” was less about what actually HAPPENED during the episode, and more about HOW the things that happened reflected events of the show’s past, while foreshadowing its a VERY different future  . . .

Speaking of foreshadowing for the future, NEVER, in my whole history of television watching, has a season finale made me MORE excited for the show’s subsequent season, than THIS Season Finale did for TVD’s Season 3.  And no, I’m not just saying that because Season 3 promises to be the Year of Delena . . .

 . . . Dark Stefan . . .

and . . . “Damn, that Jeremy Gets Around!”

On second thought .  . . who am I kidding?  That’s EXACTLY why I’m saying it!

Well, we’ve got a heck of a lot to cover.  So, what do you say, we get started?

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . . Or Is It?

“Oh, come on, Elena!  How could you NOT forgive a face like this?  And really . . . I mean . . . when you think about it, what I did to you THIS time was no where NEAR as bad as the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident!”

We begin the episode with a closeup on Sad Elena.  She checks on a still-sleeping Jeremy, before taking an extremely maudlin journey into the Now-Dead Useless Aunt Jenna’s room, where the yummy stench of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey still hangs in the air, like a promise unfulfilled . . .

“Come on, Elena!  Don’t be sad!  Might I interest you in some Comfort Food?”

Then Damon magically appears . . .

“I think I’ll have some of that Comfort Food now, please.”

We, of course, know, by this point, that Damon believes his diagnosis of Were Rabies to be a death sentence.  But Elena doesn’t know about it yet.   And Damon plans to keep it that way. 

He comes to Elena begging for forgivness.  Like a terminal cancer patient receiving his last rights, Damon wants absolution for the sins he’s committed against the woman he loves most.  “Feeding you my blood,” he begins.  “It was wrong.”

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness UHHH YEAH YOU DO, especially considering the fact that she is NOT A VAMPIRE, and also NOT DEAD, because of YOU!, but I need it,” Damon explains.

I love how unassuming and quietly reserved Damon is, when he says these words.  As fans, we know EXACTLY how desperate Damon is for Elena to forgive him for what he has done, before he dies.  And yet, Damon carefully hides his desperation from Elena, not wanting to reveal to her his lethal secret.  If Elena is to forgive him now, Damon wants to be sure that she does it from her heart, and not because she feels forced to do so by Damon, or worse, does it out of pity.

“And I need some time . . . maybe a lot of time,” says Elena to the guy she THINKS will live forever. 

(Ahh, the benefits of hanging out with vampires.   You get to hold a grudge for a REALLY LONG TIME.  And they will probably still take you back, when you are finished with your YEARS of sulking . . . but only if you look like Nina Dobrev.)

“Take all the time you need,” fibs Damon dejectedly, already resigned to his fate. 

Damon even manages to give Elena a small wistful smile, as he leaves her home, while on the inside, we know that he is doing THIS . . .

A dejected Damon then stumbles back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to pour himself, what he believes to be, his Last Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

“Oh, my dear, sweet liquor!  At least YOU will never let me down, by being a total brat to me, while I’m on my DEATH BED.”

Damon then takes off his shirt (YEAH!) rolls up his sleeve (DARN!) to examine his were bite.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s pretty darn fugly looking.  At this point, Damon sees the writing on the wall.  He knows that in less than a day, he’s going to start to go bonkers, and, if history is any indication, become a SUPER ANNOYING, DROOLING, MENACE TO MYSTIC FALLS, much like THIS GIRL was  . . .

Becoming Rabid Man Stealer Rose is a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH . . .

Not wanting this to happen to him, Damon removes his Sunscreen Ring and his shirt (COME ON, WRITERS!  WORK WITH ME HERE!), and walks toward his unusually-ornate-for-a-bachelor-pad stained-glass window (religious imagery much?),  while whiny contemplative chick music moans in the background (And, if THAT’S not enough to make you kill yourself, I don’t know what is!).

“Geez, I’m dying here!  Can’t I at least go out to the tune of something COOL . . . like Anberlin’s ‘Enjoy the Silence?'”

But just when Damon’s face starts to show signs of serious sun damage, OUT OF FRIGGIN NOWHERE, Stefan, that BAD ASS MO FO (And, really, how often do I describe Stefan in this way?) rushes onto the scene, tackle hugs his brother, and then pushes him against the wall, in one of the season’s Most Homoerotic Wall Slams EVER!

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“Kiss me, you fool!”

After he finishes wall-humping his hot older brother, Stefan tosses Damon into La Casa de Rich and Awesome’s Very Own, Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires (past residents of said institution include the now-long-dead Zach Salvatore, Bloodaholic Stefan, and Rabid Rose) . . .

“I’ll be watching you, Damon . . . (so, don’t drop the soap)!”

Suddenly, having plenty of time on his hands, Damon takes this opportunity to get better acquainted with the hardwood floor that will be his home (and only true companion) for the duration . . .

“Hey babe!  What are YOU in for?”

But then Damon hacks up a whole boatload of blood all over said Floor, thereby shutting off any chance of a meaningful relationship between them.  And yet, just because Damon is dying from a terrible disease, destined to become Annoying Rose, and might never get laid again, doesn’t mean he can’t have a sense of humor about his  increasingly dire situation . . .

“Would it be too much to ask for a conjugal visit with your girlfriend?”

Damon wonders what’s going on in Prison Warden Stefan’s head.  “What’s the plan, Superman?”  He inquires dryly.

“Is that kryptonite in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Damon then suggests that Stefan “tell him goodbye, and get it over with.”  But Superman Stefan is not ready to bid his brother adieu.  He’s got a cure to find . . . and a witch to visit.

Meanwhile, in a random forest, there lies a shirtless Original Were Vamp . . . (Thank YOU!  At least SOMEONE understands the meaning of the phrase “clothing optional.”)

Hey, Look!  It’s Adam and Eve (if Adam was a vampire . . . and Eve was his brother . . . and instead of eating forbidden fruit, they ate HUMANS)!

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OMG!  That Crazy Brother F*&ker!  (Just so you know, what happens in the forest, STAYS in the forest.)

And you thought Damon and Stefan had SEXUAL TENSION?  These two brothers have NOTHING on Elijah and Klaus — two clearly bisexual (and incestual?) half-brother vampires, who have undoubtedly endured a MILLENNIUM of hating one another, while still wanting to jump eachother’s bones on a regular basis  . . .

Klaus, who’s been . . . umm . . . “not quite himself, lately”  . . .

 . . . asks his patiently waiting (and still perfectly coiffed, despite having spent days in the forest without a change of clothing, a shower, or indoor plumbing) brother for a recap of the past few days.  Elijah remarks with a bit of brotherly pride, that Klaus remained a wolf, even after the full moon, thus signifying that he can change at will.  Elijah then MAJORLY pisses off fans, by helping Klaus put his friggin clothing back on.  (LAME!)

The brothers eye f*&k a bit, as Elijah reminds Klaus that the latter promised to reunite him with the rest of his family, who, last we checked, were not-so-much buried at sea.  Klaus, echoing Elijah’s earlier in the season words to Elena, vows to keep his promise to his brother, despite the fact that Elijah . . . sort of/kind of tried to kill him.  “That’s OK,” offers Klaus, kindly.   “No ONE can kill me now . . . not even YOU.”

THIS . . . is becoming LESS AND LESS TRUE by the minute.  (But hey, at least he’ll always have that hair . . .)

Speaking of getting wrecked (bad transition?), back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, our SECOND favorite Alchy (because DAMON is first, obviously) is busy getting blotto, having lost his SECOND SEXUAL PARTNER to vampiric death in the course of five episodes . . .

(Alaric is officially the NEW Jeremy . . .)

“Damon’s Dying . . . Please Help Him Get Sh*tfaced.”

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Is it just me, or does Alaric Saltzman get hotter with every episode?  Clearly, I have a thing for drunks (and chunky monkeys)?

 As Alaric stumbles off his bar stool, he gets a phone call from Stefan.  “I’m sorry, you’ve reached someone, who is currently not operating,” Alaric slurs.  (I swear, he sounds like Damon, more and more, every day!)

You know, with all that happened in last week’s episode, I totally forgot about Alaric’s Locked in the House by Bonnie’s Spell Thing.    That is until Stefan called Alaric, asking for help, and Alaric petulantly replied that he is “not allowed to help.  I am only allowed to sit back in the house, while my girlfriend gets sacrificed in some weird vampire ritual.”

“Awwww . . . man!  You’re still pissed at me about that?  Didn’t you get the ‘I’m sorry you were locked in the house by a witch’s spell, while your girlfriend was sacrificed by some weird vampire ritual’ roses and e-card I sent you?”

But Matt Davis is nothing if not a master in subtle changes in facial expression.  And when Stefan tells Alaric that Damon is dying, we immediately see all color drain from the poor guy’s face, and all stubborn anger leave his body.  Alaric has already lost his girlfriend.  He’ll be damned if he has to lose his BEST friend too.  “What do you need me to do?” He inquires solemnly.

Yes, my fellow fangbangers . .  . Team Bad Ass is back in action . . .

“You can’t die, Man!  Because I really need my wingman / drinking buddy back!”

But this wouldn’t be a season finale without a Random (and kind of stupid) Mystic Falls Event.  And this one is the Period Piece Picnic and Showing of Gone with the Wind in the Park . . .

 “You’re Aunt and Uncle /Father are dead.  My Mom wants to kill me.  So, let’s watch a movie, and make fun of people who are dressed like ASSH*LES.”

Elena and Jeremy are determined to regain some sense of normalcy in their lives.  (Well . . . Elena is . . . Jeremy’s just kind of moodily sulking, and looking all SAD HOT.)

“I need a hug.”

The mopey pair meet up with an almost unnervingly happy Caroline (Is that an “I just got laid” glow on your face, Vampire Barbie?) . . .

 . . . who believes that watching Gone with the Wind is just the thing this depressed duo needs to lift their spirits.   “The war is over.  Atlanta has burned.  Let’s move on!”  Caroline remarks cheerily.  (Oh, yeah!  She’s SO had sex, recently!)

Of course, watching Caroline perkily emote, I couldn’t help but wonder where TYLER was, during all this.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about period movies, or picnics, or stupid outfits . . .”

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“But I’d gladly dress like a Civil War Reenacting Reject for YOU, Caroline.”

Speaking of reenactments . . . I think it’s time for YET ANOTHER of Bonnie’s Witchy Spells, don’t you?  (No?  Well, unfortunately, you’re going to get one, anyway . . .)

In the words of Damon Salvatore, “Screw YOU, EMILY!”

I like you better when you are Maya from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Why is it that every time I see Bonnie, and her friggin candles, with her friggin eyes closed, mumbling gibberish, I get this terrible sense of deja vu?  It’s like the morning after a night of binge drinking, when, gradually, memories of the people you HUMILIATED yourself in front of rise unbidden to the surface of your mind.  That’s what these scenes feel like for me.  Maybe I would hate them less, if I didn’t have to see them EVERY SINGLE WEEK!

“Hey look!  There’s a spell in here that actually doesn’t involve filling an ENTIRE room with lit white candles.  Nahhh . . . too risky.”

Speaking of the candles, do you think Bonnie reuses the same ones for every spell, or just keeps buying new ones?  Because, if the latter is true, girlfriend should seriously consider buying stock in Yankee Candle, by now! 

Anywhoo, Stefan wants Bonnie to “summon the spirits” in order to see if any of them know of a werebite cure.  She closes her eyes, mumbles, candles flicker . . . blah, blah, blah, Witch Emergency, blah.  And all of the sudden Bonnie is “Emily,” which means she speaks in a slightly higher, but infinitely more haughty and obnoxious, voice.

“Woah, now she thinks she’s EMILY?  This B*tch is CRAZY!”

Stefan asks “Emily” about the cure for a werewolf bite.  But Emily, apparently, still has a big BUG up her ass about Damon, and doesn’t want to give up the intel. (I really never understood Emily’s DAMON hate.  I mean, didn’t he try to SAVE HER from being burned, so that she could help him find Katherine?  What gives, lady?)  “Emily” babbles on for WAY TOO LONG about the “balance of nature in the universe,” while I zone out for a bit, and have a Damon Sex Fantasy . . .

 . . . but then BONNIE wakes me up with her writhing in pain, and screaming.  (DAMN YOU, Bonnie!  I was having a good dream!)

“I’ve really gotta cut back on all the coke snorting I do  . . .”

Apparently, Emily isn’t the only witch with a Big Fat Bug up her ass.  The WHOLE Dead Coven seems to be collectively experiencing its Time of the Month.  They beat up on Bonnie, because they think she is “abusing their power.”  I think they all just need to get laid.  And, judging by the end of the episode . . . Jeremy may just be able to help them with that little problem, next season.

“Imma f*&k all you b*tches, REAL GOOD!”

Fortunately, the witches aren’t SO mad at Bonnie, that they aren’t willing to give her a little hint as to what she needs to do to save our Damon.  But since complete sentences just aren’t their style, they only give her a name, “Klaus.”

 Speaking of women on their periods . . .

Lizard Forbes gets her ASS handed to her by Mama Lockwood . . .

“This scene was supposed to make you feel bad for me.  But because I am an evil lizard / child killer, it fails, MISERABLY.”

I think this scene is completely random, and probably should have landed on the cutting room floor, in exchange for a Shirtless Damon scene. 

But since, I’m actually writing this recap in REAL TIME (i.e. watch a scene, press Pause, recap it, watch the next scene . . . wash, rinse, repeat) you have the joy of hearing me describe it, anyway. 

Mayor Lockwood is DONE being the sweet little lady who hosts charity events, and says kind things to Elena, and lends Elijah her house, and rejoices over her son’s return from Werewolf Camp, even though she is laid up in the hospital, following a “bad fall” down those Pesky Mansion Steps . . .

“That Damon Salvatore, sure is sexy!  Maybe I can hire him to come and give me a nice long sponge bath.”

Now, because the script requires it she is a kind-of-scary, Vampire-Hating Poopy Head .  . .

 . . . who thinks Lizard Forbes isn’t doing enough to remedy the “Vampire Situation” in Mystic Falls. 

Don’t get me wrong!  I LOVE seeing Lizard Forbes being abused by ANYONE willing to take on the job.  However, considering that everything concerning the “Vampire Emergency,” since Rose’s rabid rampage, has either been (1) explained away by natural means; (2) erased from the general public’s memory through compulsion; or (3) happened in secret (like John’s and Jenna’s deaths), I’m not really seeing Mama Lockwood’s sudden sense of immediacy here. 

Aside from that, the acting in this scene was just really, really, ridiculously, bad . . . Yeah, I went there.

Meanwhile, back at the picnic, with the people we ACTUALLY care about . . .

Blabbermouth Stefan Spills Yet Another One of Damon’s Secrets (SURPRISE!)

“Hey Elena!  It looks like it’s time for our Regularly Scheduled Moody, Yet Loving, Public Display of Affection.”

I’m going to say something here that might surprise you, given the DIEHARD Delena-ite I am.  As much as it bugs me that Stefan is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of keeping ANY secrets whatsoever, I’m actually REALLY HAPPY that he ended up telling Elena about THIS secret. 

I know, crazy, right?

For one thing, it led to all the SUPER YUMMY Delena moments we were treated to, toward the end of the episode. 

The Delena ship has SET SAIL for Season 3!  And it’s going FULL STEAM AHEAD!

For another, I just feel like Elena had the right to know that one of the people she cares about most in the world was dying. Sure, as Damon gently brought up to Stefan, Elena ha certainly been through enough in her life these past few weeks, that she doesn’t need to mourn another loss right now.  But, honestly, if Damon died without Elena having made things right with him, I don’t think she ever would have forgiven herself for the cold way she treated him, at the beginning of the episode. 

“I had Damon in a BEDROOM  . . . in my HOUSE . . . and I turned him AWAY.  I am SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON!”

You can tell that this is the case, by the shocked, tearful, and genuinely heartbroken look on Elena’s face, when she first learns of Damon’s illness.  In some ways, Elena feels this diagnosis more than Stefan, because, unlike him, SHE witnessed it first hand with Rose.  (And where were YOU then, Mr. Salvatore?  Hanging out with EVIL ISOBEL, I presume!  Just sayin . . .) 

Also, given everything that’s gone down between Damon and Stefan, these past few episodes, the fact that Stefan actually ENCOURAGED Elena to go “comfort” Damon in his hour of need and give him hours and hours of hot Pre-Death Sex “hope,” was either the most generous thing he could have done, or the stupidest . . . I haven’t decided which, yet.  It made me VERY happy, though . . .

And yet, that happiness quickly sours, when we return to the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, and learn that, Damon’s condition has already rapidly deteriorated.  Time is clearly running out for him . . .

Doppelganger Hijinks, a Super Sexy Hallucination, and the Possibility of a Twin Threesome.  (Now, that’s MY KIND OF SCENE!)

“I assume you’ve both been tested for STDs.  I really can’t afford another case of crabs painful disease.”

If you recall from “The Descent,” as Rose’s condition worsened, she broke further, and further from reality, repeatedly mistaking Elena from Katherine, and then attacking the poor innocent human, like the FREAKSHOW she was. 

Those of us who were concerned that Damon would end up doing the same thing, needn’t have worried.  Because unlike Rose, who HATED Katherine, Damon luuuuved her .  . well, at least he did in 1864.  So, when Damon starts hallucinating, it comes off less like a frightening psychotic episode, and more like free porn / a therapy session. 

Most of us had always assumed that Damon became a Civil War Deserter, back in 1864, because he disliked the regimented living of being in the army, and wasn’t comfortable with all the Yankee killing he’d have to do . . .

But, as it turns out, Damon’s reasons for going AWOL may have been a lot more simplistic than that. Back in 1864, we see that now-familiar sweetly polite, and almost tentative Damon, approach Katherine in her bedroom, as she “struggles” to undo her corset.  (AGAIN with the “Can you help me get naked routine?”  Seriously?  You would think that after all these years, girlfriend would have finally learned some new material . . .)

That being said, I must admit I was still turned on by the way Damon leaned in toward Katherine, gently massaging her shoulders and softly blowing on her neck, as she relaxed against him.  We hear Katherine actually TELL Damon that she loves BOTH him and Stefan, and that she can’t bear the thought of him leaving for war . . .

Then, his conscience, Elena, magically appears . . .

“Why can’t you remove MY clothing like that?”

“Elena” forces Damon– who had always laid the blame for what happened to him on Katherine (for manipulating his affections), and Stefan (for “forcing” him to go vamp) — to recognize the fact that he ultimately made the decisions that sealed his fate.  Knowing that Katherine was simultaneously making a play for BOTH Damon and Stefan, Damon STILL chose to defect from the Civil War, in order to be with her.  And it was that FIRST mistake Damon made, that ultimately led to everything that came after it . . .

It’s a profoundly enlightening moment for Damon.  It’s just too bad he has to be DYING OF WERE RABIES to experience it!

Speaking of that manipulative hot mess, Katherine, she’s still “stuck” at Alaric’s house, raiding his liquor cabinet, having been compelled by the still-living Klaus to stay there until “further notice.”

No wonder Alchy-Ric has to spend all his time alone at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  He’s probably completely out of booze, by now!

Oh my god, you killed Elijah!  (You BASTARD!)

“Again?  Seriously?  I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

So, I thought Elijah was supposed to be this Big Bad Ass!  Since when did he become the TVD version of Kenny from South Park?  Seriously, this is Elijah’s THIRD staking, in HOW many episodes?  Dude oughta seriously consider upping his accident insurance premiums!

“Fear me, for I am the Grim Reaper . . . of myself.”

When Stefan arrives at Alaric’s apartment (I guess Alaric must have invited him in, at some point?), Katherine is WAY pissed about this whole “still being under compulsion” thing.  But she’s not too pissed to give her ex-boyfriend an old Wall Slam for old time’s sake . . .

This Moment is interrupted by the return of Klaus and Elijah.  Not having time for pleasantries, Stefan wants Klaus to give him the cure for Damon’s were bite, but Klaus has “other matters” to tend to first.  Remember how Klaus promised Elijah he would “reunite him with his family”?  And remember how Klaus STAKED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY?  Yeah, Elijah may be hot, but apparently, he’s not a real whiz when it comes to reading comprehension.  So, of course, Klaus STAKES HIS OWN BROTHER, just as Elijah SHOULD have staked Klaus last week, but couldn’t.

Now, I’d mourn Elijah’s death, if I hadn’t already done so twice before.  Rest assured folks, this guy will LIVE to DIE AGAIN!  No wonder Katherine looked so completely BORED, during the staking . . .

“Things I’d rather be doing than watching Klaus stake Elijah:

(1) wall sex with Stefan

(2) floor sex with Damon

(3) freaky Doppelganger sex with Elena

(4) drunken couch sex with Alaric

(5) dancing

(6) washing my hair

(7) cleaning Alaric’s skanky man cave bathroom with a toothbrush”

Now, Katherine might be bored to tears, but Stefan is frightened / grudgingly impressed with his nemesis.  And Klaus, well, Klaus is just plain turned on.  He starts leering at Stefan and getting all up in his personal space, like he wants to eat the vamp’s weiner for lunch.

“So, Stefan, tell me.  What’s your sign?”

Then, Klaus stakes Stefan somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.  But, honestly, I feel like the gesture was more of a ploy to get the sexy ab-tastic vampire to lean into him, so Klaus could whisper sweet nothings in his ear. 

Klaus-y LIKE!

I mean, Joseph Morgan was literally WHISPERING CREEPILY the entire episode.  I don’t know how he did it for so long, without losing his voice entirely.  I mean, that’s impressive!

Now, it’s Katherine’s turn to kick up the energy a notch.  “He’s just trying to save his brother,” Katherine pleads, a look of concern in her eyes.  (Awww!  She might actually really CARE!  Who knew?)  But STEFAN, who’s still got a BIG FAT STAKE in his CHEST, seems unimpressed by Klaus’s bizarre S&M attempts to hit on him.  “Yeah, whatever, drag that stake around my innards.  I’ve been here before,” Stefan seems to be saying, “Just tell me how to save Damon.”

But then . . . Stefan utters three words that he will probably live to regret for the remainder of the Third Season, “I’ll . . . Do . . . Anything . .  .”

“Anything?”

Oh, Steffy, you are in TROUBLE NOW!

Speaking of trouble . . .

Team Bad Ass:  Reunited and it feels so . . . (Wait, what just happened?)

“Trap me in your house, and allow my girlfriend to die?  No biggie!  Turn my wife into a vampire?  That’s OK!  Call me, Elena, and try to compel me to KILL my favorite drinking buddy?  You are so going to PAY for that one, Damon!”

You know, with all the SERIOUS bonding we’ve experienced between Damon and Alaric during the course of the past two seasons, it’s easy to forget that these two guys HATED eachother, when they first met.  Actually . . . Alaric hated DAMON, for what Damon did to his wife.  And Damon . . . well . . . he didn’t really give two craps about Alaric . . .

But things have changed now.  And when Alaric comes to visit Damon at the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, the bromantic chemistry between the two is palpable.  Having maintained a false sense of strength and bravado in front of Elena and Stefan, to protect their psyches, it’s ALARIC to whom Damon finally admits just how much pain he’s in.  “Do I look awful?  Because I feel ten times worse,” groans Damon.

In return for his honesty, Alaric rewards Damon with just what he needs, his Sunscreen Ring (a poignant reminder of Damon’s suicide attempt from earlier in the episode), and, of course, a shot of Bourbon.  Unfortunately, for Alaric, Damon still seems intent on dying.  And if he can’t do it by “meeting the sun,” he’s going to try to accomplish it another way.  First, he taunts Alaric, by playing the “Dead Girlfriend” card.

“You probably want to kill me.  It’s my fault Jenna is dead,” Damon offers.

Useless Aunt Jenna strikes again .  . .

“I don’t blame you for what happened to Jenna,” Alaric replies (But the pain in his eyes, tells a bit of a different story).

Damon then brings up Isobel, which affects Alaric even more.  But still, no Death Card for Damon.  “We are not drunk enough to be having this conversation,” suggests Alaric.  (Translation:  LET”S GET DRUNKER!)

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But Damon has more tricks up his sleeve.  He aggressively lunges at Alaric through the bars, hoping that it will anger Alaric enough to get a response.  It does, and Alaric grabs Damon by his neck, through the metal bars.  Desperate and in pain, Damon attempts to lock eyes with Alaric and compel his friend to kill him. 

Seeing Damon so weak, and so willing to die, is hard to watch for us fans.  So, it must be TORTURE for Alaric.  Plus, Alaric’s also a little pissed about the whole Compulsion / Suicide by Proxy thing.  So, we can’t really blame Alaric for stabbing Damon roughly in the shoulder with his pocket knife.

 “I wasn’t expecting THAT!”

“Screw YOU, Damon!” A hurt Alaric replies, as Damon groans and drops to the floor. 

Then something interesting happens.  We see Elena rushing toward La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, as if sensing her presence, Damon calls out her name.  “Elena’s not here, Damon,” Alaric replies to a prone on the floor Damon, who is desperately begging for blood.  Except SHE IS!


Lizard Forbes gets taken DOWN!  (BOOYAH!)  But lives to tell the tale.  (LAME!)

“Umm . . . do you have a search warrant, Missy?”

You know how vampires can’t enter a house, unless they’ve explicitly been invited inside?  Don’t you wish they had something like that to keep out annoying bumbling cops?  Damon does!  Seconds before Elena can open the front door to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Lizard grabs her and pulls her aside.  She has ILLEGAL business to finish. 

So, Lizard and her NEW police boy (because Caroline ATE the old one) barge into Damon’s place, pass by Alaric in the cellar, and STUPIDLY lock themselves inside the room with the were-bitten Damon. 

Once, on the floor, and half dead, Damon is, suddenly, miraculously alive, well, and able to CRUSH LIZARD FORBES INTO THE WALL!

“Hi Liz,” Damon says, conversationally.

“Bye Liz,” I say . . . hopefully.

Then, because DUMB ASS KEYSTONE COP LIZARD OPENED THE DOOR TO HIS CELL, Were Rabies Damon escapes to find Elena, just as Were Rabies Rose escaped to . . . eat random people . . . in The Descent.  Alaric calls Jeremy hoping that he’s with Elena, and warning him to be on the lookout.  Of course, WE KNOW that Elena is RIGHT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

Concerned for the health of both his sister and Damon, Jeremy leaves the picnic (where, all of the sudden, it’s night time, and pitch dark outside?  When did that happen?) to go find them.  Bonnie . .  . being Bonnie . . . suggests that Jeremy just let Damon die and /or possibly hurt Elena in a were-rabies rage.  REALLY BONNIE?  After all Elena sacrificed to keep YOU alive?

“What . . . the . . . f*ck?”

So, of course, I was REALLY happy, when Jeremy finally grew some balls, and called Bonnie out for repeatedly trying to neuter him and keep him out of trouble.  She continues to do this, even though, despite her best efforts, Jeremy seems to keep ending up in danger ANYWAY, and his friends and family just keep on croaking.

“You TELL HER, Sexy Jer!”

Then again, considering what ends up happening to JEREMY next, Judgy, Boyfriend-Neutering Bonnie may have actually been right . . . THIS TIME.

“Gotta Love Mother Nature!”

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Oh, man!  Will you two just get a room already!  Just by watching you two on my television screen hitting on eachother like you are, I am at risk for pregnancy . . .

Interesting point of fact:  Klaus has been stalking Stefan for decades.  He’s taken a REAL interest in the younger Salvatore Brother.  Apparently, Stefan has sexual talents that Klaus finds erotic useful.  Apparently, at some point in 1917, Stefan MURDERED AN ENTIRE VILLAGE OF INNOCENT HUMANS, just because he COULD . . .

Well, Damon may not have killed an entire village, but he’s screwed an entire sorority!  And that’s gotta count for something!

Klaus’ “little anecdote” about Stefan’s past, actually raises a continuity issue for me.  Remember “Crying Wolf,” where Stefan told this story about how he was this Big Bad Vampire for like three days in 1864?  But then he found Lexi . ..  who taught him about the importance of LOVE . . .  so, he “went clean?”

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Well . . . either LOVE and Lexi couldn’t keep Stefan from having a few bloodaholic relapses, between now, and present day, or the TVD writers up and changed their mind about how pervasive Dark Stefan was in the proverbial history books . . .  Either way, this is canon now. 

Bloodaholic Stefan is apparently Klaus’ HERO!  And Klaus would very much like Dark Stefan on Team Evil Were-Vamp.  (After all, the “death” of Elijah, has provided a recent opening for the position.)

Just to show he’s serious, Klaus WERE-BITES Katherine, and then feeds her his blood, promptly curing the werewolf bite, as if it was never there.  “You wanted a cure, there it is.  I’m your cure.  Gotta love Mother Nature,” Klaus coos, clearly impressed with himself.

That’s all well and good.  But, of course, the question is NOT what Klaus can do for you, Stefan, but what YOU can do for Klaus.

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Stefan Salvatore:  Sex Slave Extraordinaire

You SHOT JEREMY!  YOU LIZARD!

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“Nice one, Lizard!  Maybe you should have had MATT DONOVAN do your shooting for you!  At least HE knows how to use a gun!  Loser!”

(Wow .  . . Lizard made me so mad that she got me to say something sort of NICE about Matt . . . Weird.)

So Damon is wandering about Mystic Falls, hacking and coughing all over innocent bystanders.  (I hope were-rabies isn’t contagious!)  Jeremy finds him, and carries the poor sickly bastard to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (How appropriate!) Meanwhile, Elena confronts Lizard at the police station.  But the Lizard tries to keep Elena “safe” at the station, while she heads off to save the world from rabid vampires Jeremy.  So, Elena, who’s become SUPER KICK ASS this season, takes matters into her own hands. 

Free Elena!  (Public property be DAMNED!)

Things start happening pretty fast at this point.  Lizard rushes the bar, and sees Jeremy carrying a sickly Damon.  So Lizard, being the “careful” and “well trained” cop she is, just randomly fires out at the duo, as Damon rushes forward.  She hits JEREMY, and he falls to the floor!

Jeremy is wearing his RING OF IMMORTALITY, but it doesn’t work, because the b*tch who shot him is a sorry excuse for a  human!

Then Caroline and Bonnie rush forward.  And Caroline attempts to feed Jeremy her blood, which, if he was still partially alive, would make him a vampire, but at least keep him from final death.  But Jeremy doesn’t drink the blood, because he is already DEAD-DEAD!

But WAIT . . . here comes BONNIE and her NOSEBLEEDS! 

After convincing Lizard to let Alaric move Jeremy’s body out of the “crime scene,” (SERIOUSLY?  Now, is when she decides to be a stickler for the rules?)  Bonnie emotionally evokes the witchy spirits for the 80,00oth time this season.  They are tired hearing her yap.  And, maybe it’s just me, but I think they are out for revenge.  So, when Bonnie tells Emily, how much she LOOOOOOOOVES Jeremy and NEEEEDS him to be alive, Emily and the Team Witch grant her wish.  Jeremy gets to live . . .

Bonnie genuinely smiles and laughs for the first time . . . I think since the pilot episode.  She strokes Jeremy’s forehead, as he comes back to life, and for exactly two seconds I am Jonnie fan.

Tyler is pleased . . . (See Cherie, I make random Tyler references too!)

Oh, but before you get too excited, Jonnie fans . .  . There’s a catch. 😉

Shortly thereafter . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I’m a vampire.  I don’t hate YOU because you are an Evil Lizard!”

Lizard is relieved when Caroline informs her that Jeremy is not-so-much dead anymore.  (No thanks to LIZARD!)  Caroline finally comes clean to her mother, about the fact that she’s an out-and-proud vampire, but that doesn’t make her a bad person like her mother.  Caroline explains to Lizard, that she used to be afraid of her because the woman can’t SHOOT FOR SH*T.  And that’s why she compelled her to forget all those Supernatural Cliff Notes she gave her, a few episodes back. 

But Caroline isn’t afraid of Lizard anymore.  “And you shouldn’t be afraid of me either, Mom,” explains Caroline.  “I’m still your little girl.”

Lizard and Caroline share a good cry, and hug one another. 

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And I’m happy for Caroline that she doesn’t have to live in secret anymore, or worry that her mom is going to shoot her in her sleep.  (Though, let’s face it, if Lizard TRIED to shoot Caroline, she’d probably miss and end up shooting herself.  WIN!  WIN!)  But I can’t soften my stance on the woman who SHOT JEREMY, schemed against her own daughter, and tried to “sell her up the river,” because of a transformation that happened TO HER, one over which she, unlike Damon, had no control, or choice.  That’s just how I roll . . .

I guess, when it comes to Lizard Forbes, for me, anyway, old habits die hard.  Speaking of old habits . . .

“Thank you, sir!  May I have another!”

You KNOW a drink is tasty, when drinking it causes you to cross your eyes in ecstasy!

So, Klaus finally reveals his GRAND PLANS for Stefan: a life spent in servitude and wingman-dom.  But Klaus doesn’t want GOOD Stefan frolicking in the forest with him.  He’d much prefer Dark Stefan.  (Because, let’s face it, Dark Stefan is WAY sexier!) 

Initially, Stefan declines the offer.  But, because he really wants to save Damon, he ultimately relents.  I mean, how bad could it be drinking a teensy bit of blood?  After all, Stefan has built up a tolerance, right?

WRONG!  All of the sudden Alaric’s house, appropriately enough, becomes a BINGE DRINKING FRAT PARTY NIGHTMARE, with Klaus naughtily egging Stefan on, as he chugs, blood bag, after blood bag.  Stefan’s eyes  aregetting shiftier and shiftier, as the drinks keep on coming.  You can almost feel Good Stefan slipping away, and Dark Stefan taking his place.  After all, we all know what happened the LAST time Stefan went on a bender like this . . .

Once Stefan has satisfied Klaus’ Fraternity Hazing Ritual, and has agreed to follow the Original Douche into EVIL ETERNITY, Klaus relents and gives up a vial of his blood to cure Damon.  The catch?  He gives it to KATHERINE, who he finally frees from the captivity of Alaric’s house to dispense the cure.  The problem of course, is that there is no guarantee that Katherine will get there in time, or, if left to her own devices, she will get there AT ALL . . .

Will Damon end up regretting these words?

Damon Salvatore might not be the only person who wishes he had bitten his tongue.  (Or, at least, attached a headset to his computer, before Skyping with his girlfriend).

“And the Day after that . .  . And the Day after that . . .”

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So . . . remember back during the first Season, when Jeremy used to do emo, Bella Swan-esque, things, like look up “vampires” on the internet?

“I want to find out about vampires, and all I get are badly photoshopped naked pictures of Robert Pattinson.  What gives, man?”

Do you also remember that AWFULLY cheesy scene at the end of “The Last Dance,” where Jeremy brought his computer down to Bonnie’s fake grave,so that she and Elena could Skype?  Well, today, TVD brilliantly decided to self-reference it’s own cheesiness TWICE in one single scene, by (1) having Jeremy do a Bing search for, cleverly enough “back from the dead.”  While he is doing THIS (2) Bonnie interrupts him on Skype to ask him “How he’s feeling?”

“I feel like I’ve been shot in the chest by a Lizard, and brought back to life, by a vampire, an alcoholic and a witch.  But, other than that, just peachy!”

Jeremy, never one for big speeches, can’t express enough gratitude to his girlfriend for giving up so many pints of snot and noseblood on his behalf.  “Oh, that’s OK,” coos Bonnie, in a very un-Bonnielike way.  “You can thank me tomorrow . . . and the day after that . . . and the day after that . . .”

Then Alaric magically appears, with a little smirk on his face, that only Alaric can make.  He’s planning to go home, but something (like the fact that Jeremy is a MINOR, who is constantly getting KILLED and beaten up) convinces him to stick around.  Marble Mouth Jeremy doesn’t know how to thank ALARIC for being his new Drunken, but still awesome, Dad either.  “That’s OK,” Alaric coos, hilariously.  “You can thank me tomorrow .  . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that.”

I love how Alaric came back to the door, to give Jeremy one final “and the day after that,” even AFTER Jeremy threw a pillow at his head.  Now, that’s a Fun Daddy!  Happy Early Father’s Day, Alaric!

But Alaric’s not only going to have to assume a parental role over Jeremy.  There is also Elena to consider.  And ELENA might be in a bit of trouble . . . HEART trouble that is! 😉

Elena Rescues Damon . . . and his LIPS!

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There are no words to describe how happy this image makes me!

We see Elena rushing out into the Mystic Falls movie-watching crowd, when she hears a voice behind her.  It’s Damon.  He calls out to her.  And she grabs a hold of him, fully prepared to hide him from the Lizard she assumes is still on his warpath .  . .

The problem is that Damon is losing his grip on reality.  As a result, he is remembering the day he made the choice he would spend an eternity regretting.  This, of course, was the day he decided to drink Katherine’s blood.  This way, when he died, he could become a vampire and (so he thought) be with her forever.

Immortality, here I come!

Though Damon had always assured Stefan that, unlike with HIM, Katherine NEVER compelled Damon, there was always a part of the fan contingency, who inferred that, because we had SEEN Katherine compel Damon at least once, that she had sneakily fed him blood as well.  But this was not the case.  In fact, Katherine explicitly required that Damon make the CHOICE to become a vampire.  “If you want my blood, you have to take it,” she said, seductively pointing at her neck.

Meanwhile, back in the REAL WORLD, THIS is happening . . .

“You don’t have to do this, Damon!”  Elena yelps, helplessly, as a delirious Damon clutches her shoulders and learns toward her neck.

It is almost as if Elena is speaking to 1864 Damon, and forcing him to take responsibility for his actions, all those years ago.  But Damon is too far gone to realize what is happening.  At this point, he doesn’t see Elena at all . . . only Katherine.  “I choose YOU, Katherine,” Damon says, eerily echoing the words he said to Elena, back in “The Last Dance.”

And then, he leans forward and BITES ELENA, just as he bit Katherine in the past.  The minute that blood hit Damon’s system, back in 1864, his fate was already sealed.  It’s Elena’s cries of anguish that ultimately bring Damon back to himself.

Realizing what he has done to the woman he loves, causes Damon so much internal pain, that he falls to the ground in anguish.  Still clutching her now-bloody neck, Elena helps Damon up and carries him back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, just as he did for HER last week .  . .

Back in Damon’s bedroom . . . (We always end up back there, don’t we? ;)), Elena comforts Damon during what she believes will be the last moments of his life, just as Damon comforted Rose during HERS.  Damon tells Elena that he recognizes that the choices he made during his life, have brought him to this moment in bed, being cuddled by Elena!!!.  He realizes that it was HIS OWN choices that led to him becoming a vampire, and “going bad” for a period of time.  Katherine didn’t do this to him, nor did Stefan.  

Damon looks up at Elena with wide innocent eyes, and tells her to tell Stefan he is sorry.  Elena doesn’t mince words with Damon, by telling him that he can apologize to Stefan in person, because he is going to live.  She just tearfully nods, and hugs Damon ever closer to her, stroking his head calmingly, as he slowly slips out of consciousness.

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But of course, of all of the Delena exchanges that came out of this episode, it was THIS ONE, in which Damon FINALLY told Elena that he loved her AGAIN, and DID NOT COMPEL HER TO FORGET IT, that made me squeal like the crazy fangirl I am.

Two things I’ve been waiting to see ALL SEASON, and they BOTH happened in this one exchange!  (Number 1) I’ve always wanted to hear Elena tell Damon, that she loves and accepts him for exactly who he is . . . flaws and all.  In all the time Elena has known Damon, she has NEVER admitted this to him.  Always, Elena told Damon that he had “goodness” in him, that he wasn’t showing . . . that he “didn’t have to be this way” .  .  and that he should, “be the better man.” 

But when push came to shove, and Damon suggested that she would like him better in 1864, back when he was more like Stefan, she explicitly denied that this was the case.  “I like you just the way you are,” she told him.

Hear THAT?  She LOOOOOOVEEEEESSS likes him JUST THE WAY HE IS!  Awww yeah! 

And I think it was that admission on Elena’s part that finally gave Damon the courage to admit that he loved her.  (And THERE’S NUMBER 2!)  Just like his first admission, this one was completely unselfish.  Damon wasn’t trying to get Elena to STOP loving Stefan, or to NOT choose Stefan.  He merely felt that Elena had the right to know that someone she cared deeply about loved her more than life itself. 

So, of course, that prompted Elena to PLANT A NICE WET KISS ON DAMON’S SEXY WET LIPS!

This was the REAL DEAL . . . the Delena kiss we’ve been waiting for ever since the FAKE one that Katherine, posing as Elena, planted on Damon, in the final moments of the Season 1 Finale.  And a lot of naysayers called it a Pity Kiss.  But I call them WRONG! 

You know how I KNOW it wasn’t a pity kiss?  Because Damon was UNCONSCIOUS, when she started it!  Yes, boys and girls, Elena wanted to kiss Damon, EVEN IF HE WASN’T AWAKE FOR IT!  Such are her feelings of tenderness toward this vampire. 

Of course, Damon DID awaken during that kiss.  And he accepted it with a slight, but sweet, pucker of his own lips, and a smile on his face.  “Thank you,” Damon said to Elena, perhaps, wondering himself, whether this was a Pity Kiss.  But we, of course,  know better.  😉

And, as it turns out, so does Katherine, who arrived at just that moment with the WERE-BITE CURE!

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Elena — who looks a bit nonplussed at being caught in such a compromising position by Katherine, of all people — moves quickly from the bed, to let her Doppelganger to “her thang.”  (Note:  Elena is also probably wondering who actually invited Katherine IN to the house.  After all, it’s changed ownership, since Katherine last resided there.  No matter.  What’s a little continuity amongst hot friends?  Right?)

The fact that Katherine came to “rescue” Damon, of her own free will, does not go unnoticed by Damon.  “You got free .  . . and you still came,” remarks the vampire, as he gratefully sips Klaus’ blood.

“I owed you one,” replied Katherine. 

But Katherine’s not exactly a Gal of Honor.  So, we have to figure she actually cared enough about Damon’s life to rescue him.  Who knows?  Maybe there’s a little soul in that gal yet?

Speaking of souls?  Elena’s wondering about Stefan’s.  Kat showed herself to be a Delena fan at heart when she uttered, THIS classic line . . .

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Just as Alaric DIDN’T miss that cheeseball Skype exchange between Jeremy and Bonnie, Katherine CLEARLY did not miss the intense looks shared by Damon and Elena on Damon’s BED, when she arrived.  Katherine fills Damon and Elena in on Stefan’s deal with Klaus, making sure to add insult to injury, by telling Elena, “He sacrificed everything to save his brother . . . even you.”

Ever the hopeful one, Elena texts Stefan to tell him that Damon is OK.  But Stefan is occupied by his Homoerotic Chugging Olympics with Klaus, and is nonresponsive.  “At least you have Damon, now,” Kat notes.  (TRUE!  THAT’S TRUE!  THANKS KAT!  YOU”RE THE BEST DELENA FAN EVER!)

But Kat’s not done spreading “joy” and advice to Elena .  . .

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Astute TVD fans will recall that THIS was the line that ROSE was supposed to utter to Elena, back when SHE was dying of Were Rabies during “The Descent.”  At the time, us Delena fans were ANNOYED that this excellent line was removed from the script.  Of course, now that I think about it, it makes A LOT more sense coming from Katherine.  Good CHOICE, TVD WRITERS!

Delena Happiness aside, Damon and Elena look EXTREMELY CONCERNED for Stefan’s well being after Katherine exits the bedroom stage left.  And, as it turns out, they have good reason to be frightened for his SOUL . . .

History Repeating

I wonder if Elijah needed a mortitian, or if his suit came perfectly pressed, and hair perfectly coiffed from the floor to the grave . . Knowing Elijah, I suspect the latter.

After Klaus creepily instructs one of his minions to store Elijah “with the OTHERS,” he turns his attention back to his Super Man Crush Stefan.  It seems Stefan is DONE with Mystic Falls, and wants to get this whole Eternity as Klaus’ Sex Slave thing over with.  But there’s one problem, Stefan while significantly DARKER than he was about 10 blood bags ago, is not DARK ENOUGH for Klaus’ taste.  For that, Stefan needs to consume HUMAN BLOOD . .  . RIGHT FROM THE HUMAN.

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In a move that is OBVIOUSLY meant to be symbolic of the moment when Stefan ultimately enticed Damon to drink human blood, thereby completing his vampire transition (Stalker much, Klaus?), Klaus offers Stefan a HUMAN SACRIFICE of sorts, symbolizing his completion of the transition from Good Stefan to Dark Stefan.  (Of course, it’s female.  The only male Klaus wants Stefan to bite is KLAUS, if you catch my drift.) 

Unable to resist any longer, Stefan willingly accepts the Sacrifice, and bites into her, as if she’s a yummy piece of chocolate.  The chewing sounds he makes when he does this, are, admittedly pretty gross.  (Hasn’t anybody ever taught you to chew human’s with your mouth closed Stefan?)  The scene ends with Stefan and Klaus hungrily eye f*&king as only two Bad Ass Vampires of Questionable Sexual Preference can . ..

Speaking of the promise of FUTURE SEXUAL ACTIVITY . . .

Jeremy Sees Dead People . . . and Immediately Wants to Sex with Them

Steven R. McQueen:  “Best . . . future storyline . . . EVER!”

Remember when I told you that there was a CATCH for Bonnie to be able to bring Jeremy back from the dead.  Well . .  . here it comes . . . In a moment that EITHER harkens back to that AWESOME Bruce Willis / Haley Joe Osment movie, “The Sixth Sense” . . .

“I see dead hot chicks.”

 . . . or that AWFUL Matt McMconauhey Movie, “Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past” . . .

 . .  . Jeremy senses EYES on him, while he’s sleeping, and tiptoes downstairs to investigate.  Creepily enough, us viewers notice that he is being FOLLOWED . . .

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I’ll admit this scene made me jump.  And, of course, WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY expected the Season 2 finale of TVD to truly end with Jeremy confronted on ONE SIDE, by his Dead Vampire Girlfriend Anna, and on the OTHER SIDE, his OTHER Dead Vampire Girlfriend Vicki?  We can suspect that their presence was brought on by Bonnie’s spell.  Namely, to get Bonnie back for overusing their powers, the witches decided to test Bonnie’s LOVE for Jeremy, by bringing back his FIRST two loves. 

The question though . . . is what ARE THEY?   Are they ghosts?  Humans, brought back from the dead, like Jeremy?  Vampires?  Zombie?  Hallucinations?  Of course, whatever they are, the possibilities for these fan favorite characters’ return are ENDLESS.  For example,  will we get to see more Jeremy and Anna hand-gasming, for example?

Or (all fingers crossed) another Damon/ Vicki Dance?

Something tells me that Elena is not going to let this one happen again.  And, as much as I LOVE this scene, I love Delena MORE!

And what about BONNIE?  What is she going to say about this tomorrow . . . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that . . .

Die, VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND STEALING ZOMBIES!

I suspect we will all have to wait until September to find out the answer to these BURNING questions.  If I SURVIVE that long!  A world without TVD is not a world I want to live in, that’s for sure!

I need a HUG, fellow fangirls and fanboys!

P.S.  Hi gang!  You may notice that the bottom of this post says, Comments are Closed.  I didn’t do this.  And I’m not sure how it happened.  But it’s not intentional, I promise you!  If you’d like to comment, before I get this issue fixed, please feel free to leave your comment on the blog entry following this one, relating to the TVD finale liveblog.   I will definitely respond to you, from there.  Sorry for any inconvenice or confusion this may have caused you! 😦

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Comments Off on Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

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The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Finale – We are Liveblogging It!

ELENA:  “Damon, those girls are watching us again . . .”

DAMON: “Just pretend you don’t see them.   Maybe they will take the hint, and GO AWAY . .  .”

ELENA: “Hmmmm . . . try taking off your shirt.”

DAMON:  “Elena!  What makes you think my taking off my shirt will make them GO AWAY?”

ELENA:  “It probably won’t.  I’d just really like for you to take off your shirt . . .”

DAMON:  *grumbles*  “Fine!”

DAMON:  “Are you happy, now?”

The last time my pals (Amy, over at Imaginary Men, and Cherie, over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling) and I live blogged The Vampire Diaries was during the twelfth episode of Season 2, entitled “The Descent.”  If you recall, THAT was the episode in which that MAN STEALER, Vampire Rose, got Were-Rabies, and wandered around the entire hour, looking like THIS . . .

. . . and like THIS . . .

. . . and, occasionally, like THIS . . .

So, it’s probably fitting that our NEXT Live Blog installment should cover “As I Lay Dying,” the episode in which DAMON gets Were-Rabies . . .

The obvious difference, of course, is that while I HATED Rose with a passion, I LOVE my Damon Salvatore to pieces!  So, this, undoubtedly, will be a very difficult time for me . . .

And yet, like Damon Salvatore, I prefer to cover up my sadness and fear with a healthy a dose of snark . . .

.  . . some laughter . . .

Happiness is a warm (and dancing) Delena . . .

. . .  and, hopefully, a whole boatload of NAKED . . .

 

 

(Well . . .  not MY NAKED, of course . . . but HIS NAKED!)

All things considered, I actually think this upcoming Live Blog will be the PERFECT medicine for what ails me.  Don’t you?

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “As I Lay Dying” with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me BITE YOU!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in January, for the show’s mid-season premiere.

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides ”chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, May 12th! 

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this extended preview for the Season 2 Finale of The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . and here’s a Super Secret and Very Sexy Webclip from the episode, (Hot Captive Damon, anyone?)

See you soon, My Fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

Four Funerals and a Naked Cuddle? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sun Also Rises”

“Oh NO!  Don’t cry!  Please don’t cry!  Let’s try to focus on the Happy Things, like the fact that Michael Trevino spent this entire episode naked . . .”

“I have the most awesome nipples on the planet.”

*Takes Deep Breath*  Hey, Fangbangers!  How are you doing?  Are you holding up, OK?  As you well know, this was probably one of the most intense, and heart-wrenching, episodes of TVD history.  And no one will hold it against you, if, while you watched it, you engaged in a little Soulful Crying . . .

You may have ventured over into the territory of the Ugly Cry Face . . .

And that’s ALL RIGHT!  There is no shame in that! 

You know, I was trying to figure out what tone I should be taking with this recap.  I mean, on one hand, I usually like to keep things light.  But making fun of an episode featuring FOUR DEAD PEOPLE, seems a tad inappropriate, even for ME! (Well . . . two of them at least.  When it comes to the demise of a certain VERY Unlikeable Wolfgirl, and an EXTREMELY B*tchy Witch, all bets are off!). 

Hours and hours of painful faux-wolf transformations, followed by some time spent rolling in the dirt, plus getting her HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST, and this one still looks like she just stepped out of a salon.  Talk about UNFAIR!

There’s also a lot of great acting and plotting in the “The Sun Also Rises” that deserves to be given its do.  So, while this recap may be a bit more “somber” than most, I’ll try my best to cover everything that happened, while hopefully, still entertaining you a bit along the way . . .

See?  Already you are entertained!

Sound good?  Let’s get started .  . .

(By the way, did you notice that I always called her Useless Aunt Jenna, but now that she’s gone, doing that makes me feel like a TOTAL asshat Aunt Jenna voiced this week’s “Previously on the Vampire Diaries?”  Kind of fitting right?)

So, let me get this straight, you want me to open the show?  But Stefan always opens the show.  Why do I get to do it this week?  Oh, wait a second here .  . . you aren’t trying to give my character a ‘Poignant Sendoff’ are you?  ARE YOU?”

Let Sleeping Werewolves Lie . . .

“Shoot me in the face, I’ll bite you in the balls.  Just sayin’  . . . MATT”

“Ahhh .  . . see that’s what YOU think!  I gave up my balls on this show, a LOOOONNNNG time ago.”

You know you are in a maudlin TVD episode, when the storyline revolving around SHOOTING wolves, painful werewolf transformations, homicidal moms, and a brutal breakup functions as the COMIC RELIEF!  The episode begins with Caroline trying to secure Were-Tyler behind a locked gate, while Matt proceeds to go Rambo on the animal’s ass.  (PETA must have LOVED this one!)

It’s interesting how this scene pretty much telegraphs the Matt / Caroline breakup that occurs at the end of the episode, and the main reasons behind it.  (Then again, considering that Matt has spend the past few episodes plotting AGAINST Caroline with the EEEVVVIL Lizard Forbes, one could argue that this relationship has really been dead in the water, ever since Matt found out that Caroline was a vampire, back in “The House Guest.”)

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

First, obviously, Matt shoots Were-Tyler.  (By the way, since when did MATT become this GREAT SHOT?  Who the heck ever took this orphan out hunting?  Vampire Vicki?) 

The fact that a gunshot wound CAN’T actually kill this supernatural creature, doesn’t mean that Matt didn’t INTEND to shoot to kill.  Some have disagreed with me on this point.  But I took his actions here as a sure sign that Matt has extreme difficulty seeing the HUMAN BEING, behind the supernatural creature.  Admittedly, he does come around a bit on this point, toward the end of the episode . . . but just not ENOUGH.

As luck would have it, however, the bullet wound  incapacitates Tyler, preventing him from breaking through the wrought iron gates.  This ultimately allows Caroline and Matt to (1) pass through those gates, (2) step over the “sleeping Tyler,” (3) lock said gates from the INSIDE, and (4) return to the safety of Caroline’s house.

That may end the problems with Were-Tyler.   But the problems between Matt and Caroline are just beginning.  Matt offers to help Caroline with the situation, and she REFUSES, probably because (1) as the kickass Vampire Barbie she is, Caroline is about ten times strong than Matt’s wimpy ass; and (2) she doesn’t entirely trust that Matt won’t try to kill Tyler again.  “I’VE GOT IT,” Caroline says snippily.

“Oh . . . my sweet manhood.  Oh, how I miss you.”

In return, when Caroline asks Matt to hold her hand (adding FURTHER insult to injury on the “I’m stronger than you” front), so that the two can navigate around an anesthetized Tyler, Matt hesitates for a LONG TIME.  I’m not even sure if he ultimately DID IT.  Granted, this may just be Matt’s Male Ego trying to show Caroline who’s not so much boss, and not wanting to be mothered by his own girlfriend.  But, mainly, I think it illustrates the notion that Matt STILL doesn’t entirely trust Caroline in her vampire form. 

Ultimately, it is THESE issues (along with some other ones) . . .

“Matt who?”

 . . . that completely tear apart the flimsy fabric of this more-or-less already broken relationship . . .

Back at Alchy Alaric’s Crib . . .

Damon Penetrates Katherine’s Emotional Fortress of Solitude (and Then Pulls Out)

See what I did there? 😉

KATHERINE:  “So, I know you’re like ‘dying’ and all, but would it be too much to ask for a rousing Goodbye F*&k?”

Back when the promo for this episode first aired, many of you noted the genuine look of concern in Katherine’s eyes, as she surveyed the increasingly gnarly werewolf bite on Damon’s arm.

OK . . . that is SO not a hickey!  (Great arm definition though.  That vamp works out!)

And while I DO think that Katherine loves Damon to the extent that she CAN, her love is a selfish and possessive one.  Katherine’s concern over Damon’s dying seems more related to her OWN loss of a GREAT Sex Partner feelings of abandonment and neglect, as well as her fear that there will be one less person on the planet pining over her.

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That being said, it was VERY satisfying to see Damon, who had spent centuries mooning and moping over Katherine, FINALLY coming to terms with the MANY deficiencies of Katherine’s character.  Of course, the exchange wasn’t NEARLY as satisfying as THIS one . . .

Damon immediately calls Kat out on the part she played in Jenna’s demise.  After all, it was KATHERINE who led Jenna into the trap that resulted in her being Klaus’ vampiric sacrifice.  And Katherine did this, even THOUGH she had already consumed the vervain Damon himself had given her, and clearly, had a choice in the matter.  “Somehow you are always the only one who wins, Katherine.  How did that happen?”  Damon asks.

“Because I didn’t let love get in the way,” Katherine replies.

This, of course, calls to mind the much-discussed concept of vampires “turning off their feelings,” which will be touched upon again, later in this episode.  One could argue that Katherine acts the way she does because she simply “never turned her feelings back ON.”  However, I think that’s an overly simplistic analysis of the situation.  Because unlike OTHER vampires who have “turned off” their feelings in the past, like the stoic, verging on sociopathic, Isobel . . .

 . . . and the Bloodaholic Stefan of Old  . . .

 . . . Katherine seems VERY in touch with her emotions.  She often manages to experience JOY in her life . . .

. . . and shows obvious signs of fear, when her existence is being threatened, right before her self-preservation instincts set in.

No, Katherine is just a manipulative biatch.  And, for the most part, she’s probably been that way for her entire life.  The difference now, is that Damon Salvatore has her number. “Enjoy your life alone,” he says icily, as he walks out of her life.   For good?  Somehow, I doubt it . . .

For Damon’s part, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice HIMSELF, not just for Elena, but for JENNA (The werewolf bite ultimately prevented him from doing this.), shows tremendous growth in his character.  Remember THIS line?

(My apologies to the owner of THIS awesome tumblr, who’s site I neglected to properly link in my last recap.)

Well, of course, us Delena fans’ hearts just melted over this, viewing it as the ULTIMATE in romantic statements you can make to the person you love more than life itself.  And yet, it also resulted in Elena de-staking ELIJAH, which, ulimately, may not have been the best decision.  (More on that later.) 

On the otherhand, the “I will always choose you,” line exemplified the ways in which  Damon’s unparalleled love for Elena sometimes prevented him from seeing the Big Picture.  And the Big Picture, is THIS:  Sometimes “saving” someone, isn’t just about preserving their life; it’s also about preserving their heart, by protecting the people that mean something to that person.  Damon’s willingness to save JENNA, in this episode, shows that he understands that Big Picture now.  This understanding, undoubtedly makes him an EVEN STRONGER candidate for Elena’s love . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Unfortunately, saving Jenna was not in the cards for Damon, this week.  “I’m sorry Damon, but Jenna is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it,” notes Katherine, prophetically. 

“Oh, my GOD!  He killed me! (WTF?)”

“Got any aspirin?  I feel like Death!”

Still Useless, but I can’t call her that anymore Aunt Jenna wakes up with what I imagine is the WORST HANGOVER EVER!  Being forced to drink gallons of Old Fart Vampire Blood, then being MURDERED, then being tossed into a Burning Ring of Fire, will do that to a girl.  What’s worse, she seems to have blocked the entire event out of her consciousness, forcing Poor Elena to have explain it to her ALL OVER AGAIN. 

“Do I REALLY have to be the PARENT in this situation?  AGAIN!  Seriously Aunt Jenna, if there was ever a time I needed to be mothered it is RIGHT NOW!”

It’s important to note here, that the minute that Jenna awakens, she says that she feels different and strange.  After all, it is JENNA’S accounting of what it feels like to be a newly turned vampire in transition, that helps Elena to determine whether she has, in fact, made that transition herself, by the end of the episode.  Unfortunately, Elena BARELY has enough time to tell Jenna’s she DEAD, and give her the crash course on Intro to Vampirism 101, before that EVIL Wanker HOBAG Greta comes out to play . . .

Man, I know she didn’t stick around all that long, but I REALLY hated this b*tch!  Seeing her smug, puckery, self-satisfied face on my screen had the odd effect of actually making me MISS Luka!

Remember him?

“Oh my god!  He killed me.  I’m a vampire,” remarks Jenna, a line that would be bizarrely hilarious on ANY show other than this one and, maybe, True Blood.

“And I bet you’re hungry,” coos Greta Hobag.

Elena, who knows what’s coming next, starts Freaking the F*&k OUT!  So, Greta decides to give her some impromptu flying lessons . . .

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It turns out that living conditions in Burning Ring of Fire Number One, were getting kind of cramped.  So, Greta treats Elena to an “upgrade” by sending her to Burning Ring of Fire Number Two, which is much roomier, and comes with a better view of the park . . .

Greta then slits her own wrist.  Oh, DIE!  Please DIE!  I think to myself.  But alas, this is no Suicide Attempt on Greta’s part.  This is merely a FEEDING.  And Jenna, possibly mistaking Greta’s arm for some Chunky Monkey . . .

Just trying to lighten the mood here, folks!

. . . starts gnawing at Greta’s bloody skin, like it’s an Ear of Corn. 

*nom-nom, nom-nom*  “Tastes like CHICKEN!”

Then THIS happens . . .

Coolest trick ever!  The most interesting thing I can do with MY eyes is cross them.

By feeding on HUMAN blood, shortly after death, Jenna has officially completed her vampire transformation, thus making her a “ripe” candidate for Klaus’ Sacrifice ritual.  From across their respective burning circles, Jenna and Elena view one another, as only two family members who are no longer the same SPECIES can.  Once again, Elena takes on the MOTHERING role for her Useless until the end terrified Aunt and Guardian.  “Jenna, look at me.  It’s going to be OK,” Elena lies through her teeth.

“It’s OK Elena?  It’s going to be OK?  I just DIED, and ate some girl’s arm!  Now I’m in a circle of FIRE, out in the middle of nowhere, being babysat by two chanting psychopaths.  How does this satisfy your definition of OK?”

Meanwhile, back in the underground tomb, Bonnie and Jeremy are spending a leisurely romantic evening reading by candlelight . . .

“So, if our ancestors used to date eachother, does that mean there’s a chance we might be related?”

JEREMY:  “Hey Bonnie, did you know that there are 365 diferent sexual positions?  One for each day of the year?”

BONNIE:  “You had to look in a BOOK to find THAT?  So, what formerly EMO, but now incredibly hot, guys, don’t believe in internet porn?”

The purpose of Bonnie’s and Mini Gilbert’s underground research session is to  allow Jeremy the screentime he’s been sorely lacking these past couple of episodes find a spell that can somehow keep Elena from GOING VAMP, after Klaus kills her.  Truthfully, Jeremy’s and Bonnie’s search for this spell seems kind of half-assed. In fact, both parties seem more interested in eye f*&king, shoulder nuzzling, and making sexually suggestive historical references than rescuing their friend from the Ignominy of the Undead.  “I think [my ancestor, Emily] had a thing for [your ancestor, John Gilbert] remarks Bonnie, with a seductive wink.

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And just in case you actually BELIEVED Bonnie’s lamely flirtatious statement, please allow me to show you something.  THIS was Emily Gilbert . . .

She’s kind of hot, right?  OK . . . now THIS is John Gilbert, on whom Emily supposedly had this HUGE CRUSH . . .

Did I mention, the dude was batsh*t insane, and seemingly spent his entire life writing down his every thought in about 85,000 DIARIES?  Yeah, Emily Gilbert!  This one sounds like a Real Keeper!  You gotta give props to Bonnie for trying, though . .  .

Unfortunately, this little slightly nauseating moment is interrupted by Cock Block Alaric, who, ever since his delivery of the “message” that the Sacrifice begins tonight, has seemingly had no other purpose than to be the Bearer of Bad News . . .

“Dammit!  I miss being Klaus.  Now THERE was a guy who knew how to have a good time!”

“Jeremy, something’s happened to Jenna . . .” he begins morosely.

“Seriously?  Again?  You’re kidding me with this, right?”

The Man with the Plan . . .

Back above ground, Damon and Stefan engage in one of their little Brotherly Telephone Gossip Sessions that are quickly becoming a regular occurrence on this show . . .

” OMG!  Katherine actually SAID that to you?  She is SUCH a b*tch.  Did you f*&k her?   Because I totally would have f*&ked her.”

During the phone conversation, Damon informs Stefan that his girlfriend’s aunt is now vampire bait, and Stefan responds by getting weepy . . . again.  Stefan also makes a decision.  It’s the same one Damon made EARLIER in the episode, but couldn’t carry out, due to his Were-Rabies.  Namely, Stefan will offer to sacrifice himself in place of Jenna . . .

 “So, all these hot guys are willing to sacrifice themselves for ME, now!  This is SO COOL!  It also means I’m pretty much dead already, doesn’t it?”

After hanging up on Damon, Stefan turns his attention to Elijah . . .

I’m sorry. I just think this picture of Elijah is really funny!

Elijah helpfully restates the Save Elena gameplan for the audience.  “Bonnie will stay hidden until the moon reaches its final phase.  [This way, Klaus will continue to think she’s dead until the last possible moment.]  Then, she will deliver Klaus to the brink of death, and I will finish him off,” explains the Original Vamp of Haircare Excellence, stoically . . .

Shut UP, Elijah!  I’m mad at you.  We’re in a fight, now!

Though it’s undoubtedly TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, Stefan FINALLY wakes up to the fact that Elijah’s insistence on killing his own brother, in order to help out folks who he (1) barely knows; and (2) tried to kill him . . . TWICE, seems . . . ODD . . . to say the least.  When Elijah tells Stefan that he is a “very honorable man,” Stefan pointedly asks whether ELIJAH, himself, is honorable.  (You know, this might have been a good question to ask BEFORE you hung all your hopes on THIS guy’s purported “honorability.”)

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“You can’t see it, but I’m actually crossing my fingers behind my back, right now.”

Klaus FINALLY explains why he seems so intent on killing his own brother, the Original Douchebag.  Turns out, this dude is SO CUCKOO BANANAS that he murdered his ENTIRE family (except, conveniently, Elijah . . . I guess he thought that hair was too pretty to go to waste), and buried all their corpses AT SEA, so that no one could come an “revive” them. 

Stefan, who knows a thing or two about wanting to kill your brother, while still being tormented by feelings of LOVE for that sibling, can relate . . .

Last I checked, they didn’t allow vampires on Dancing with the Stars . . .

“Sometimes, there is honor in revenge,” says Elijah, sounding like he’s quoting Shakespeare. (And he may be, for all I know.  Heck, he probably knew the guy, personally . . . and possibly even ATE him.)  “I will not let you down,” concludes the Original, as his nose grows to epic proportions . . . kind of like Pinocchio.

“Trust me.  It gets worse.”

“Dear sweet Wall!  You are the only one who truly understands my pain.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Uncle / Father John barges into Damon’s house, wondering why Elena hasn’t returned any of his phone calls . . .

“Looks like you are a day late, and a daughter short,” snarks Damon.  (LOVE HIM!)

Once, Damon gives Uncle /Father John the Cliff Notes version of the past few episodes of TVD, during which he was doing LORD KNOWS WHAT, U.F.J. decides this would be the PERFECT opportunity to call Damon out on his failure to properly parent / protect his daughter.  Riiiiight, because dads should ALWAYS hire out Sexy but Morally Ambiguous Vampires to take care of those pesky parental duties!

Now, THAT’S what I call a Father Figure!

“All you had to do was keep her safe,” whines John, when he learns that Damon prevented Elena’s certain death by feeding her his own vampire blood.  “You destroyed her life, you know.  You’ve turned her into what I’ve spent my whole life ineffectually protecting her from.”

“Now, is REALLY not the time for lectures, Daddio!”

That’s when Damon introduces Uncle /Father John to his good pal Wall Face (which was awesome, by the way).  “Yeah, yeah . . . I took her choice away.  And I ruined her life, I get it,” remarks Damon, in the voice of a bored teenager.  (Clearly, Damon Salvatore reads blogs.)  “But, trust me, it gets worse . . .”

“Oh no!  Well, let’s not talk about such dark things.  After all, you and I will have plenty of time to have this discussion next season . . . Won’t we?  Won’t we?

But get worse, IT DOES!  Perpetual Bearer of Bad News Alaric chooses THIS particular time to drop a bombshell on Damon, that STEFAN will be sacrificing himself in Jenna’s place.   Damon’s Man-Cry and Sexy Wall Punch, upon hearing about his Little Brother’s most recent attempt at Martyrdom SLAYED ME with their gut-wrenching intensity  . . .

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER time when Damon took his inconsolate sadness and anger out on Innocent Pieces of Furniture . . .

Be afraid La Casa de Rich and Awesome!  Be very afraid!

I also had to laugh, when Damon once again, RIGHTLY wondered why they couldn’t just let BONNIE sacrifice herself for Klaus.  After all, SHE had enough power to kill him, even BEFORE he started offing various cast members.  In hindsight, this probably would have been the better solution, as it would have prevented Elena and Jeremy from becoming orphans, and from needing a lifetime of pills therapy, most likely punctuated by various stints in rehab . . .

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“Dammit, BONNIE!  Way to take one for the Team!”

Meanwhile, back at the Sacrifice . . .

“Hi Jules . . . Bye Jules!”

 

“Life like a Beast.  Die like a Porn Star.”

Jenna is beginning to enjoy the Perks of Vampirism.  “I feel everything stronger,” she notes thoughtfully.  “The colors are brighter.  The fire is hotter.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this little Advertisement for Undead Living is interrupted by SERIOUSLY LOUD SEX SOUNDS.  Moans, groans, grunts . . . the whole nine yards.  For a second their, I thought Klaus was getting a quicky.  Then, I realized that those sounds were coming from the soon-to-be-dead Jules.  Apparently, Greta slowed down Jules’ were transformation, so that she could be a candidate for the Sacrifice, and the process has ravaged her innards. 

Jules is promptly thrown into Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  She and Elena only have the briefest of moments to chat.  (She claims she did all that she did to help Tyler.  Do we believe her?  Does it even matter anymore?)  Then Klaus magically appears . . .

“Are you ready my lovelies?”  He asks in that slimy child pedophile voice of his.

Then Greta starts her annoying chanting, as the lights go out in Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  Apparently, it’s Checkout Time at the Ole Go to Hell Motel!  Jules lunches at Klaus.  And it looks like she’s about to “Go Were” on his ass.  But he tackles her, and does THIS . . .

Now, that’s what I call wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Ummm . . . yeah . . . so in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jules is Dead . . .

Mind you, this happened only 12 MINUTES into the episode!  So, we all should have known we were in for a while ride.  Klaus expediently drops Jules’ heart (Who knew she had one?) into his little cauldron, as Jenna and Elena watch on in horror from Burning Ring of Fire Numbers 1 and 2, respectively . . .

In a heartfelt moment between Auntie Vampire and Niece, the Character Formerly Known as Useless Aunt Jenna turns to the child she was supposed to be parenting and said “I failed you . . .”

To which Elena, responded, “Hells, yeah, you did!  No, I failed YOU! (But we all know, she just said that to be nice.)

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This touching moment is followed by another one, in which Elena tells Jenna that due to her new and SUPER nifty vampiric abilities, she has the power to fight back against Klaus.  And I THIS realization on Elena’s part (along with her TERRIFYINGLY TRAUMATIC near-death experience), that causes the Petrova Doppelganger to gain an understanding of why Damon did what he did to her, and recognize that it might not have been such an awful thing to do, after all. 

We definitely see an unspoken understanding form between Damon and Elena, in the final moments of the episode.   And I actually think THIS is where that understanding begins . . .

When it comes time for Jenna to take HER part in the Sacrifice, as signified by the lights going out in HER Burning Ring of Fire, Stefan appears in the distance, to offer up a little “barter and exchange,” one vampire for another . . .

“Just in case you needed evidence of what a FINE vampire specimen I am . . .”

Klaus looks at Stefan, intrigued (and slightly turned on) . . . “Very well, what can I do for you?”  Klaus inquires politely.

Speaking of fine male specimens . . .

Have you ever wished someone would leave a Hot Naked Man on your doorstep?


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Christmas, apparently, came a few months Early in Mystic Falls . . .

After escaping Were Tyler, Caroline and Matt lock themselves up in Caroline’s house where they can be bored safe together. 


“I keep expecting your mom to barge through the door with a chainsaw, and murder us all!”

Now that Caroline and Matt finally have a little down time, they could talk about what a Monumental Douchebag he’s been, the past few episodes!  Matt explains to Caroline, how he pretended to succumb to her compulsion, after watching both Season 1 and Season 2 of TVD on DVD . . .

As we well know, he then went and ratted Caroline out to her the World’s Worst Mother, Lizard Forbes.  “So, where does that leave us now?”  Caroline wonders.  DUMP HIM, CAROLINE!  DUMP HIM HARD! 

“It leaves us stuck in the house, trying not to get malled by our friend,” replies Matt.  (OK .  . . I’ll admit it.  That was a pretty funny line.  And yet . . .)

Friends don’t shoot friends . . .

Do you think my mom wants to kill me?”  Caroline wonders, in the Saddest Little Voice Ever.

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do with you.  Because, really, what are parents supposed to DO with their kids anyway.  Parenting is so darn confusing!”  Matt replies.

Then, there is loud thump at the door.  And for a second, I really did believe it was Lizard Forbes, preparing to go postal . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little werewolf too!”

But it was something WAY better than that.  “Give me your jacket,” Caroline scolds, taking charge once again. 

Caroline rushes outside to find THIS laying naked on her doorstep . . .

After doing a little Dance of Joy around her front porch.  (Where all the BEST Forwood action happens anyway, right Cherie?)  Caroline strategically drapes Matt’s coat over Tyler’s man parts.  (Gee, ya think Matt’s going to want that back?) 

There’s a scene in the Southern Vampire Mysteries Book Series (on which True Blood is based), where, after being cursed by an evil witches spell, which gives him amnesia, one of the main characters is told to run in the direction of the one woman he truly loves.  And that character, not remembering ANYTHING else, still, on some level, is able to follow his heart, and find the Right Girl.  I would like to think that the same sort of INSTINCTUAL memory prompted Tyler, while still in werewolf form and injured, to drag himself toward Caroline’s porch.  Because, of all the places in Mystic Falls, THAT is the one where he feels most at home.

Gee, I wonder why? 😉

Just like after his first werewolf transformation, Tyler’s eyes flutter open, and the first face he sees, is that of the woman he loves.  “Caroline?”  He asks tentatively, his face a mixture of relief, love, comfort, and utter sadness.

“It’s OK, Tyler . . . it’s OK,” Caroline replies, looking deep into his brown eyes, as she rubbs his shoulders affectionately.

Unlike the time earlier in the episode, where Elena uttered these SAME words to Aunt Jenna.  This time, I actually BELIEVE them.  And I think Tyler does too . . .

“I’ll drink to that!”

“Can We Just Skip to the ‘Save Elena’ Part”

Good news, guys!  Uncle/ Father John knows of a plan that could save Elena from being a vampire!  When the rest of the Scooby Gang arrive, he starts waxing poetically about some dying mother and her unborn baby.    Apparently, Witch Emily was able to PROTECT this mother-daughter pair (well, at least one of them) from death, by ensuring the intact nature of their souls.

(Like Damon, I’ll admit I zoned out through most of this part.  But it actually makes a lot of sense by the end of the episode. So, bear with me . . .)  Long-story short, Bonnie plans to use the SAME spell that Emily used on the Mother and Baby on Elena and Uncle / Father John.  Damon is skeptical of the plan, thinking it’s all a bunch of hooey.  But Uncle/ Father John seems DETERMINED that his daughter stay human, so . . .

When it comes time for Bonnie and Damon to leave for the Sacrifice Scrappy Doo Mini Gilbert, of course wants to come too!  So, what does Bonnie do, she makes out with him, and knocks him unconscious with her Disgusting Dragon Breath witchy ways. 

“Seriously?  AGAIN!  This SUCKS Monkey BUTT!  Then again, the fact that I didn’t get my ass kicked ONCE this episode, shows at least SOME signs of improvement . . .”

Jeremy shouldn’t feel too bad though.  At least he will have company!  Uncle / Father John is staying home from the Save Elena Games.  And apparently, so is Alaric . . .

“What?  You mean I don’t get to go either?  But I ALWAYS get to go!  I’m one-half of Team Bad Ass DAMMIT!”

Apparently, Bonnie and Damon thought Alaric’s love for Useless Aunt Jenna made him a liability.  So, they did to HIM the same thing they did to ELENA when SHE tried to throw herself at Klaus’ feet the first time . . .

The Poo HITS the FAN, Big TIME!

Back at the Olympic Burning Rings of Fire, Jenna tries to use her newfound vampire hearing to figure out what the heck Klaus and Stefan are gossiping about . . .

“So, do you, like, use a special shampoo, or something, to get your hair to look all shiny like that, because I’ve tried just about EVERY haircare product on the market.  And mine is just dullsville.  I envy you, and your Super Hero Hair Stefan Salvatore.”

Jenna reluctantly tells Elena that her BOYFRIEND has offered himself up, in exchange for Jenna.  (Now, THAT’S awkward.)  Elena, understandably, is horrified by the idea.  Does she want to keep around the Shrink she has Sex with, or the Aunt, who has her OWN sex, while Elena watches?  Decisions, decisions.  When Stefan gets thrown into Burning Ring of Fire One in Jenna’s place, Elena is both touched by her boyfriend’s kind gesture, and frightened as all heck!

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Now, this was a PRETTY sneaky move on the part of the TVD writers.  After all, MOST OF US knew that Stefan and Elena would both make it to the Season Finale.  So, the fact that Jenna, was no longer sitting in the burning ring, probably gave SOME of us, myself included, a false sense of security.  And it was that sense of security that was RIPPED TO SHREDS, when Klaus impulsively announced that he had OTHER plans for Stefan, and therefore, wanted him to survive. 

(What PLANS?  Does Klaus want Stefan to join the Were Vamp army?  Does he want Stefan to get DAMON to join the Were Vamp Army?  Does he want Stefan to give him more Hair Care tips?  Something tells me that we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .)

Klaus then puts Elena’s So-Called Savior out of commission (at least for a few moments by breaking his neck, and staking him).

Something tells me that’s going to hurt in the morning!

Elena looks at Jenna, in terror.  But her aunt seems oddly determined.  “I know what I have to do,” says Jenna, with more verve and intensity than we’ve seen from the character all season. 

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(SERIOUSLY, Sara Canning was ON FIRE this episode!  It makes you understand just how CRIMINALLY under-used her acting talents were on this show.  Useless Aunt Jenna, could have realy kicked ass . . . if she wasn’t so . .  . useless most of the time.)

Knowing she can’t defeat Klaus, Jenna lashes out at GRETA, which, if you think about it, is a pretty genius move.  After all, without a WITCH to say the spell, Klaus can’t complete the ritual.  The only problem is that Poor Newbie Vamp Jenna isn’t well versed in the Creative Killing Tactics of Salvatore Brothers and Originals, like, for example, the Bold De-Harting . . .

. . . or the Nifty Neck Snap.  So, Jenna, instead opts for the Good Old Fashioned NECK BITE, which . . . well . . . it basically does nothing.  Greta looks more annoyed, than truly in pain. 

A heart-tugging, tear inducing look is exchanged between an inconsolate Elena, and a now truly terrified Jenna, as both come to the horrifying, not to mention, massively depressing, realization that this is going to be literally the LAST TIME they will ever see one another “alive.”

With no other options available to her, a tearful Elena gives her aunt the ONLY piece of advice that a person who’s death is imminent really wants to hear:  how to die without fear . . . or pain.  “Just turn it off . . . Turn it off, Jenna.  You won’t be scared, anymore.”

We can’t know for sure whether Aunt Jenna ultimately opted to turn off her emotions in the final moments of her life.  However, the surprisingly peaceful expression on her face, after Klaus drained her of blood . . . gives us some clue that she might have done just that . . .

OK . . . I lied.  That doesn’t look “peaceful” at all.  She looks scared sh*tless.  Man, this show is depressing!

If you weren’t crying by this point, Elena’s shout of anguish as her ineffectual, but well-meaning, and loveable guardian, bit the Big One, most certainly had you reaching for Box of Kleenex.  Still, more tears follow, when Stefan awakens and finds Jenna’s lifeless body lying just outside the burning ring.  “I’m sorry, he mouths to his girlfriend, who’s family member he WASN’T able to save.”

Elena puts her finger to her lips.  “Shhh . . . KILL HIM,” she whispers.

You know . . . when Useless Aunt Jenna (R.I.P. Girlfriend) is the Smartest Girl at the Party, something is WRONG with this picture.  Don’t try to kill KLAUS, Stefan!  Kill GRETA!  BREAK HER NECK!  RIP OUT HER HEART!  Do something, aside from haphazardly throwing yourself at Klaus, and FAILING . . . AGAIN.

But fail again, Stefan does.  And, the next thing you know, the lights at Burning Ring of Fire Number 2 are out.  And Klaus has Elena in his grubby hands.  Now, he’s groping her, like a drunken college fratboy.  She is not amused .  . .

KLAUS:  “The moonlight . . . the candles  . . . the dead bodies . .  . I don’t know about you, but I find this all incredibly romantic.”

Ever the gentleman, Klaus politely thanks Elena for her services on Team Sacrifice.  “Go to hell,” Elena snarls. 

So, Klaus does . . .  but he brings ELENA right along with him . . .

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Poor Stefan, he’s been pretty much all Water Works, all episode.  And for good reason.  With Elena down, Klaus drops the Moonstone into the cauldron, and to the tune of Greta’s insufferable chanting of gibberish, begins his were-tranformation . . .

A face not even a mother could love . . .

But just when it seems like all hope is lost . . .

All Hail Team Scooby!

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Bonnie comes seemingly out of nowhere, bringing Klaus to his knees with her massive Firestarter Power.  From the other side of the park, Damon magically appears . . .

. . . and does exactly what Stefan SHOULD have done about 20 minutes ago.  He BREAKS GRETA’S NECK, in one sharp SNAP!

Damon than picks up a lifeless Elena and gallantly carries her body over to Stefan.  But Stefan surprises his brother, by NOT taking her in his arms.  “I need you to take her out of here.  I’m not leaving, until he is dead,”  explains Stefan.  (My, my, my . .  . how the roles have reversed.)

I was happy though . . . because I got to see this . . .

I mean, seriously, how much better forshadowing can us Delena fans get?  The dude CARRIED ELENA to safety AND over the proverbial threshold, into her HOME! 

But just when you think it can’t get any better, IT DOES!

My heart literally leapt out of my chest, walked over to the television screen, and nuzzled up to Damon’s face, as he gently and loving caressed Elena’s unconscious face, in a move that reminded me VERY much of THIS early TVD scene . . .

“If you come back a vampire, Elena.  I will have to stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me, forever,” Damon whispers.

As if in answer to his prayers, Elena awakens . . .

“How do you feel?”  Damon asks tentatively.

“I feel fine,” Elena replies incredulously.

Remember when I told you that Jenna felt DIFFERENT when in transition.  Well, Elena, based on her response, is still human.  The question is how? 

More about that in a bit, for now, I want to get a bit more Delana-y with you . . .

That look Elena gives Damon when she first wakes up!  Delena fans will undoubtedly analyze this look ALL SUMMER, along with the one the pair exchange at the funeral, later in the episode.  There are a lot of similarities between this look, and the one Tyler gives Caroline, when he awakens from his werewolf state.  Elena too, has had somewhat of a rebirth in these last few minutes.  She has LITERALLY died, and been reborn.

Clearly, something has changed regarding Elena’s feelings for Damon, since their last encounter.  But what?  Has Elena softened toward Damon, because, in facing the True Death, she has finally come to terms with the fact that she wants to live.  Has Elena begun to grudgingly see the positive sides of vampirism, as I mentioned above?  Or is it something more . . .

Recall that Damon once, not to long ago, told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget it . . .

 You may also recall that as a vampire, you can remember all instances of compulsion you experienced as a human . . .

Could Elena suddenly be REMEMBERING Damon’s sacrificial declaration of love for her?  But wait . . . that doesn’t make sense.  After all, I just said Elena is HUMAN.  So, how could she remember something like that?  You might wonder.  Well . . . I think, based on the loosey goosey way she was able to STAY human, that she might actually remember it. 

And to that plot development, I say . . .

But we are getting a bit ahead of yourselves here . . .  Let’s take a step back for a moment, and figure out how Elena managed to stay HUMAN, after clearly dying with vampire blood in her system.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Aside from read books, and write a letter with his severely bandaged hands . . .

Ahhh memories . . .

Uncle / Father John hasn’t done much this episode.  And yet, as Elena is waking up in Damon’s arms, U.F.J. is handing Jeremy a letter and a ring, with instructions to give them to Elena.  With one last look at the house, he then walks outside.  The moment Elena awakens, he falls to the floor . .  . dead.

Remember how we talked a bit about that spell Emily did on the mother and the baby.  Well, apparently the mother gave HER life, and her soul to the baby, so that the baby could be reborn.  That was Uncle/Father John’s final gift to his daughter: the gift of a second chance at REAL life.  All U.F.J. ever really wanted for his daughter was for her NOT to become a vampire.  And now (at least for another season) she won’t be . . .

Now, I’m just wondering who the HECK is going to get custody of these two underage teens, who LITERALLY have no family left on Earth.   Maybe Alaric can adopt?

Speaking of Alaric . . . poor guy!  Lost another woman to vampirism!  The look on his face, when he foudn out Jenna didn’t survive the Sacrifice ritual was horrifying.  He and Jeremy just can’t seem to catch a break.  Can they?

But WAIT . . . what about KLAUS . . . and ELIJAH?

Elijah Do-Little

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Back at the site, the Scooby Gang’s Save Elena / Kill Klaus plan seems to be going as planned.  Bonnie is doing her Crazy Ass witch thing, Elena is alive, human and safe, Greta is dead, and Klaus is close to it.  Now, all they have to do is wait for Elijah to finish him off . . .

But NOOOOO!  Just when Elijah ACTUALLY has his hand inside Klaus’ chest, and is ready to make the final pull, a skill we all KNOW he’s incredibly adept at . . .

Klaus has to go and open his Big Fat Mouth, and tell some Big Fat Sob Story, about how he DIDN’T actually bury his family at sea. like Osama Bin Laden.  (Presumably, this means that the family of Originals can be brought back to life, just in time for next season, no doubt.)  Did I mention that Klaus KNOWS where the bodies are (or so he says), and promises to take Elijah to them, if he lets him life? 

“Quite the conundrum I’m in here.  Follow my Crazy Pants  Brother on a Wild Goose Chase to find my long lost relatives, or help these misfits I barely know kill the last member of family I have.  Hmmmm . . . I wonder what I should do?”

And so, with a quick half-assed apology at the remaining Scooby Gang members, Eljah escapes with the now Were-Vamp Klaus to parts unknown . . .

I hate to say it (because I loved me some hot Delena moments), but Damon would NEVER have let this happen, if he was there . . .

Speaking of hot moments . . .

What you got under that blanket?

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“So, I guess it’s true what they say about men with big hands.”

While naked Tyler is in Caroline’s bed (HELL YEAH!) sleeping off his were-bender, Matt is giving Caroline the Big Ole’ kiss off.   “So, this is you’re life, huh?”  Matt asks, conversationally.  “Never a dull moment.”

Unlike MY life, which tends to be jam-packed with Dull Moments.

In what was probably the LONGEST version of the “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  speech I have ever heard, Matt tells Caroline how much fun he’s had with her over the past few days (while he was pretending NOT to think she was a Brain Eating Zombie), BUT he doesn’t feel like he can handle her Hardcore Vampire Lifestyle.  He’s got other things to think about, like his lame job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and his Slutty Mom, and his Dead Sister.  So, yeah, greener pastures, I guess . . .

Matt would prefer to live his life in a fog, and forget vampires and werewolves ever existed, then to spend time with the woman he supposedly loves, who just so happens to occasionally, drink Red Stuff from a hospital bag .  . .

Oh, well!  If you can’t take the Forwood Heat, get your ass out of Caroline’s house . . . 

 (Admittedly, though I mock it here, because this recap never seems to end, and I’m getting a bit cranky, this annoying scene did show tremendous acting ability on Roerig’s part.  And since I’m a staunch Forwoody, it even made me smile.)

But on to the good stuff . . . Tyler wakes up, wanders down stairs, and sidles up to a sad Caroline on the couch.

TYLER:  “Man, I’m in pain.  What the heck did I do last night?”

CAROLINE:  “Umm . . . Tyler . . . I’m pregnant.”

Undoubtedly, a bit embarrassed about whatever Werewolf Hijinks he may have engaged in, the night before (though, clearly, not embarrassed enough to put on a pair of pants before coming downstairs – and THANK GOD, for that!), Tyler wonders outloud whether, what Caroline said to him the night before was right.  Maybe he should have stayed away from Mystic Falls, after all.  “You shouldn’t have left,” Caroline corrects him.

“Awwwww yeah, she SO wants me!”

The way Tyler and Caroline relate to one another is just so uniquely special and so natural, you just can’t help but smile when you watch them together.  I loved how, in this scene, the pair repeatedly waver back and forth between the expression of serious feelings and joking easy-going banter, knowing instinctively that using the latter, will help them comfortably ease their way into the former.  Like in this moment, when Tyler jokes that he tried to kill her . . . twice.  (That happens A LOT on this show, doesn’t it?)

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“No friendship is perfect,” jokes Caroline.

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See, what I mean?  I mean what OTHER couple could joke and laugh about the topic of Involuntary Man (Wolf?)slaughter?

Yeah . .  . them too, I guess.

But then, when Caroline’s laughter turns to tears, Tyler is serious again, and prepared to comfort the woman he clearly loves so much . . .

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And when Caroline tells Tyler that Matt broke up with her, Tyler does a REALLY GOOD JOB of looking genuinely sad for her, even though we all know that, inside, he’s wanting very much to do THIS . . .

. . . and maybe even a little bit of THIS . . .

“So what do I do in this situation?”  Tyler genuinely wants to know, biting his lower lip in happiness, as Caroline snuggles closer to him.

“Instead of bailing again, you say, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.  Sorry I tried to chow down on you again.'”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Tyler whispers in Caroline’s ear, as she nestles up close to him, feeling safe and truly loved for the first time in as long as she can remember.

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And now that all are hearts are FILLED with the Warm Fuzziness of Forwoody Goodness, I regret to inform you that we have a funeral to attend . . . well . . . two funerals.

Saying Goodbye

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Now, normally, I’d say Hard Core Eye Fuckery is inappropriate at the funeral of your Parental Guardian and Bio Dad.  But since it’s Delena, I’m totally cool with it!

Though the sun had in fact risen, and was shining high in the sky, at the conclusion of “The Sun Also Rises,” the tone was undoubtedly somber, as Elena and Jeremy buried their only remaining parental figures, Uncle/Father John and No-Longer Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

In a very sweet, but extremely poignant, moment, Jeremy and Elena both tried to stay strong for one another, as they comforted eachother in Elena’s bedroom, just moments before their hastily patched together Double Family Funeral.  (Jenna and John would be buried in secret,  right alongside Elena’s adoptive parents, so as not to stir suspicion among the town residents.)  Elena apologized to Jeremy for all the people he had lost in his young life.  And Jeremy, in turn, gave Elena John’s final gifts to her: the letter he had written and his Ring of Immortality.

We watched as Elena sat by the window, and sadly read her father’s last words to her . . .

What follows is John’s letter, in its entirety:

Elena,

It’s no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extrordinary child. I failed in that task. And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I am haunted by how things might have turned out differently if I had been more willing to hear your side of things. For me it’s the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It’s for that child that I give you my ring. I don’t ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this: whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same, as I’ve always loved you and always will.

John

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At the funeral the entire REMAINING Scooby Gang gathered and left roses on the Gilbert gravestone.

After exchanging some VERY meaningful looks with Elena at the cemetery (hint, hint, wink wink), Damon FINALLY came clean to Stefan about the secret he was hiding.  Tyler had bit him.  He was marked for death.

“We will find something . . . a cure,” said Stefan resolutely.

“There is no cure, Stefan,” replied Damon morosely.

But Stefan refused to accept the loss of his brother, “We kept Elena human.  We found a way when there was no way.   We will do this.”

“You wanna do something for me?”  Damon asked.  “Keep this from Elena.  The last thing she needs is another grave to mourn.”

And with that, Damon walked off into the sunset, ALONE, as we all blew our noses, and reached for the now-empty box of Kleenex.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him t