Tag Archives: What they Died For

What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

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Filed under Lost

Would the REAL Charlotte Lewis please stand up? (A Tale of Mistaken Identity, Blog-style)

I don’t tend to air my personal stuff on this blog.  However, I thought my fellow bloggers might find this tale to be particularly amusing.  You might have even experienced something like it for yourselves.  So, I decided to share it . . .

 So, I was browsing through today’s blog statistics, and noticed they were abnormally high.  This is great, right?  “You should be happy,” you say.

 But me, being the pessimistic person I am, I was a bit skeptical of my sudden “burst in popularity,” and decided to research a bit further.  I found out that the post that was raking in most of my hits was, oddly enough, a months old recap for the television show Lost, entitled,  “Keep Your Shirt off Sawyer!”

Now, granted, old as the post may be, it has ALWAYS been one of my more popular posts.  And, while, I would like to think, it is because the blogosphere truly values my “mad recapping skills,” I think it actually has more to do with the post’s slightly bawdy title . . . Oh, and did I mention it contains A LOT of sexy Josh Holloway as Sawyer pictures?  Like, for example, this one . . .

 . . . which I actually think I used about 3 or 4 times in the same post, because I liked it so much.  And this one . . .

 . . . featuring Josh Holloway as Sawyer, and Ken Leung as his bromantic buddy, Miles.  The above picture may not show as much skin as the first, but it’s still hot, in a homoerotic, Brokeback Mountain, sort of way.  Then of course, there was this one . . .

I have three words for you . . . BEAR . . . CAGE . . . SEX.

Now, while I know you all love Sawyer, that still didn’t explain HOW MUCH more popular this particular post was today, as opposed to say .  . . after the Lost episode I was writing about actually aired.  So, I decided to dig a little deeper.  And what I noticed was that an INSANE number of people found my blog today by searching for “Charlotte Lewis,” and a very good number of those searchers, clicked on this picture . . .

 . . . and this picture . . .

Both of which, of course, feature the actress Rebecca Mader, who played the now-dead Lost character named  . . .  you guessed it . . . CHARLOTTE LEWIS!

So, at this point, I got REALLY excited!

You see, I remembered that next week’s upcoming installment of Lost, the penultimate of the series, is entitled “What They Died For.”  And based on this article featured in Entertainment Weekly, I deduced that the episode might include some very intriguing island flashbacks of some heretofore dead Losties (including Charlotte Lewis), and explain . . . drumroll please . . . “what they died for.”  And THAT got me to thinking that SOMEONE on the World Wide Web had recently released some interesting information about the Charlotte Lewis character, and her upcoming Lost appearance, that I hadn’t heard about yet.

So, being the nosy nelly I am, I opened up my computer search engine, and, as many of YOU obviously did today, I typed in . . . wait for it . . . “Charlotte Lewis.”

The first article that popped up in my search was one entitled Charlotte Lewis claims she was sexually abused by Roman Polanski.

Huh?  Roman Polanski sexually abused a dead fictional character on Lost? 

Ooh, you’re gonna be sorry, Mr. Polanski, the Smoke Monster doesn’t take kindly to that . . .

But seeing as the above scenario is highly unlikely (But wouldn’t it be cool, if it were true?).  I decided to actually READ the internet article.

Shocking, I know.  Anyway, it turns out that this is the REAL Charlotte Lewis  .  . .

(Photo “borrowed” from Stir Online Magazine)

Apparently, back in the ’80s, this Charlotte Lewis was kind of a hottie.  She had a few bit parts in movies, and appeared in Playboy a bunch of times . . .

She actually looks a bit like actress Tia Carrerre, no?

So, apparently, according to Charlotte Lewis . . .

Yeah . . . that one.

Polanski sexually abused her, when she was only 16, while the two were on the set of Polanski’s film Pirates . . .

“ARRRRR!  Walk the plank . . . in MY PANTS!”

 . . . now maybe I’m wrong, and this was a fabulous film, but it sure looks lame from that poster.  (Not that making a lame film, is any excuse for allegedly raping teens, because it’s NOT!)

But what’s interesting is that, without researching my blog stats today, I might never have learned this important piece of information.  So, thank you WordPress!  Oh, and to all those blog searchers (that are clearly better informed than I am), who mistakenly stumbled upon my blog, while looking for information on Roman Polanski and non-Lost character Charlotte Lewis, my sincere apologies.  Here, let me give you something, to make it up to you . . .

I assume that all is forgiven now, RIGHT?

(Oh, and if anyone else out there has a fun “mistaken identity” blog tale, please feel free to stop by and share . . .)

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Filed under Entertainment News, Lost, Roman Polanski