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Jailbait – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Cell”

angry damon

Cannibalism never looked this good  . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries explored the many ways in which humans (and vampires) can be prisoners . . .

drowning stef

“Is it Friday yet?”

They can be literal prisoners, locked in jail cells and deprived of freedom, like Damon, Sexy New Latin Lover Enzo (played by newcomer Michael Malarkey . . . mama like . . . . A LOT), and later Elena, were to those wackjob sadists fondly referred to as “Augustine” . . .

prisoners

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“On the bright side, conjugal visits just became much more convenient.”

They could be prisoners of their own bodies and mortality, like the supposedly-rapidly-decaying-and-dying-but-still-looks-frustratingly-stunning-sexy-and-wrinkle-free Katherine Pierce . . .

eating kat

Wait until she learns that humans actually gain weight  . . .

They could be prisoners of their sorry fate and unfortunately evil legacy, like that eternal sad sack, who makes Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,  look downright cheery,  Aaron Whitmore . . .

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“It’s not like my day could get any worse.”

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And they could be prisoners of their own minds, like good ole “my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, and my face twin, locked me in a safe at the bottom of a river, hence all the screaming, hyperventilating and crying I’ve been doing lately,” Stefan . . .

brain fried stefan

“Dear WebMD, does Aspirin work on Vampires?”

Whatever your personal prison, you didn’t need to have vampire blood running through your brains to relate to at least one of the storylines of “The Cell,” which, as a refreshing change from the uber complex mythology and whiplash fast repeated plot twists of “the Silas Storyline” actually worked pretty well as a standalone episode, with a focus on character motivation and basic interpersonal relationships that we haven’t really seen since the series’ heyday back in Season 2.

happy elena

So break out your favorite trusty old safe (hopefully, you’ve sanitized it first), choke down your daily blood rations, and turn up the radio on that old classic 50’s tune,  because it’s time to “go a-walking after midnight” with this latest TVD recap . . .

thirsty damon 2

La Casa de Rich and Slimy

No wonder, Damon never had any qualms about offing his ancestor Zach Salvatore back in Season 1 of TVD!  It seems these Salvatores have a pretty long history of familial betrayal . . . one that dates back at least as far as the early 50’s, when Some Random Salvatore used the now infamous Boarding House (where Damon and Stefan have been drinking, sexing up numerous women who look like Nina Dobrev, and brooding for the past five seasons) to lure a very James Dean-y version of Damon into a life of captivity and torture, all for “the good of science” and a bit of cash, of course.

When Damon found out about this betrayal (upon receiving a neck full of vervain for his trouble) he was less than pleased.

soap dish smash

And so, he found a rather creative way to seek vengeance on his less-than-trustworthy relative: death-by-whiskey-glass.  Granted, this form of death is not quite as visually appealing, as a good old-fashioned heart-extraction-from-chest-and-subsequent-tossing-of-heart-on-floor-like-it’s-a-piece-of-lint-on-your-shirt, but it will do in a pinch.

2-2 sexy drinking damon

This whiskey tastes funny.  Perhaps, it has something to do with the rim of the glass having just been inside my great, great, great grandson’s carotid artery . . .”

Enter Dr. Whitmore . . .

classy

Psycho sadist by day, douchebag who wears a pocket square by night . . .

He’s thrilled that Death-By-Whiskey resulted in a surprise discount on his Vampire Pin Cushion purchase, but bummed that his test subject is still awake.  Fortunately, a bit more vervain will fix that right up .  . .

Back in  the present day, Damon finds himself once again, a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Whitmore).  Only this time, fashions have changed (he’s wearing a black shirt instead of a white one), and vampire jail is much lonelier without a super sexy guest star in the next cell with which to shoot the breeze.  Fortunately for Damon, company is on the way . . .

jail cell

“Black is the new black.”

“Sorry all your friends and family died.  But let’s talk about me for a change . . .”

It appears that one of the unfortunate side effects of being on a show where everybody’s sole point of interest and topic of conversation is you, is that you tend to become a wee bit self-absorbed . . .

3 finale happy pointtail elena katiebecketts

“But enough about me, let’s talk about me.”

And because she is a victim of her own circumstances, I guess we have to cut Elena a bit of slack for KILLING JESSE one night, and popping up at his MASSIVELY DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING SUICIDAL former roommate’s dorm room the next morning, and asking him to come frolicking with her in search of her errant boyfriend.

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Someone needs to get her priorities in order.

Fortunately, for Elena, Sad Aaron is so desperate for non-brutally murdered people to befriend, that if he spotted a cockroach on his window sill, he’d probably invite it out for beers, and offer to be its wingman while it tried to pick up chicks . . .

aaron in tux

noticing me

And so he gallantly invites the only person on the show who is a bigger Grim Reaper than he is, over to his family mansion where, unbeknownst to him, his “guardian” is using Elena’s boyfriend to play a live action version of the beloved childhood game “Operation.”  (Just don’t remove his funny bone, Mmm-kay, Doctor Death.  We like our Elder Salvatore Brother sexy AND snarky.)

doctor-bot-operation

shirtless damon 4 sleepy baby

If you recall, the last time Elena was here, she had to hang out outside, because the owner of the house wasn’t around to invite her in.  This time, she dances around awkwardly, waiting for Aaron to do the polite thing, and let the female bloodsucker cross his threshold.

It’s at this point in the story that we learn (1) Aaron is a Whitmore, which means his dead family like TOTALLY owns the college; (2) Elena’s dad may or may not have been in league with the nefarious Augustines; and (3) Doctor Death became Aaron’s legal guardian, after the death of his last living relative Useless Aunt Jenna Aunt Sarah.

aunt jenna

We interrupt this trip down Plot Twist lane, so that Elena can get stabbed in the neck with a vervain syringe . . .

(Personally, I prefer the good old fashioned neck snap for characters who need a “temporary time out,” but I guess this will do, in a pinch.)

Another Fail “Safe” Plan

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan thinks writing about her problems in a diary will make Katherine want to kill herself less.

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(Yeah, Stefan, because that worked SO WELL for you!)

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But Katherine has never really been much of a writer (or a reader) for that matter.   So, she tells Stefan he should stop focusing on Katherine’s suicidal tendencies and start trying to figure out why the same guy who ate his own father without flinching, now goes into girly hysterics every time he pictures an itty bitty box .  . .

I mean, I thought vampires were supposed to like coffins?

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Katherine invites her new bestie Caroline over to shock Stefan out of his PTSD, by locking him in a safe, until he’s not afraid of  being there anymore.

She even brought her own trusty safe to use in Stefan’s treatment.  “But don’t worry,” she tells the seriously freaked out younger Salvatore brother.  “I sanitized it.”

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put windex on it

Yes, Caroline, because germs have always been a vampire’s worst enemy . .  .

Stefan’s first run-in with the safe doesn’t exactly go well, in the sense that he’s throwing a full-on temper tantrum within minutes of getting inside.  (Can you imagine this guy in a tanning bed?  It would not be pretty.)

Katherine wonders out loud whether Stefan’s problem is not the safe at all, but rather, his pen*s.  This logic inspires in her a rather brilliant idea.  (Katherine not be particularly literary.  And she may never have enrolled in Psych 101, like Caroline.  But if she’s an expert in anything it’s Vampire Pen*s . . .)

you two ever

great in bed

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“This one time .  . . in Augustine Vampire Jail . . .”

Finding themselves reunited in Vampire Jail with a sturdy wall of bars between them, Elena and Damon find themselves with a bit of time to kill.

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more fun if naked

And so, Damon decides to regale Elena about his zany prison adventures with a hot European soldier Vamp named Enzo.   You see, this isn’t Damon’s first time at the rodeo.  He’s been a vampire test subject once before.

never told

(By the way, over 50 some-odd years of experimentation with the undead, and these guys are still doing things like testing vampire light sensitivity, and their ability to regenerate limbs?  Any teenager who has read Twilight  could tell you that.  Worst Medical Researchers EVER!)

surrounded by idiots

Damon discusses how Enzo and him developed a friendship through the bars of their personal vampire prison, while chugging down a single shot glass of blood each day to keep themselves from desiccation.  While they took turns being brutally tortured by that icy cyborg Dr. Whitmore (charm cleary runs in this family), the two bonded over lost lady loves (Enzo’s was a benevolent researcher named Maggie), music (“I go a-walking . . . after midnight . . . out in the moonlight . . .lalala”), and their mutual hatred for all things Whitmore.  Time passed, until finally, after one New Years, the vampire bromantics finally devised a plan for their inevitable escape from Torture Town.

sex enzy

The plan involved Damon drinking both his and Enzo’s rations, and secretly growing stronger, over the course of a year, so that when the two were let out for the annual New Year’s party, Damon would be strong enough to free Enzo from the pokey, and the pair could live happily ever after . . .  literally . . . you know . . . because they are immortal and stuff . . .

long story wait for movie

A whole year, comprised of doing nothing but regularly submitting to torture and drinking shots of red stuff . . . talk about a LOOOOOOOONNNG CON.  (Though, honestly, it seems strange that Enzo wouldn’t have desiccated during that time, seeing as he was drinking nothing for an entire year, and the whole point of the rations was to keep both vampires alive and weak.)

kind of dead

Because Katherine Pierce is just kinky like that . . .

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When this box is a rocking, don’t come a-knocking  . . .

Stefan opens his eyes in the Evil Box to find Katherine right next to him, sweating it out with him.  (Geez!  It’s a good thing Stefan isn’t claustrophobic.)  He freaks out, of course, threatens to kill her, gently chokes her, makes a big show of breathing heavily on her neck.  It’s supposed to be scary, but it’s kind of hot, and you can tell both parties are totally turned on by it . . .

shock therapy

Katherine explains to Stefan that his fear of safes is really just a sublimation of the feelings of abandonment he experienced when Elena dumped him for Stefan.  It’s some pretty high brow talk for a girl who’s used to speaking almost entirely in sexual innuendos!  Then, in a voice that’s oddly Elena like, Katherine gently reminds Stefan that she’s there for him.

3 4 happy to know stefan

This has the impact of giving Stefan a major boner, and making him temporarily forget that he’s locked in a death trap of a safe with a dying human blood bag.

 “Wakey, wakey!”

Caroline pops open the safe,  unfortunately cock blocking the hundred plus year-old flames before they have a chance to let the REAL healing begin.  But Stefan isn’t mad at his gal pal.  His PTSD is cured!

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Now if he could just find a remedy for these . . .

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A little while later, Katherine confronts Stefan in the study, and lightly teases him about an ugly chair he broke, while in the throes of PTSD.  Stefan admits that he finally has to make a point to move on from Elena.  Katherine is uncharacteristically demure when she admits that sometimes she isn’t quite sure what she’s doing.   They move closer to one another slowly,  like boxers circling each  other, eyes locked, wondering whose going to be the one to make the first jab.  “My Superman” by Santigold plays in the background, reminding both characters that they’ve “got to live.”

study chest

macky

Annnnd the, next thing you know they’re sucking face .  . .

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Part of me wishes we actually got to see a bit of the good stuff, rather than merely implying that the two characters were boning, by zooming in on Caroline’s horrified and disgusted face, as her vampire hearing picked up the sound of their sex moans,  while she was leaving a telephone message for the kidnapped Elena.  And yet, I guess there is something to be said for leaving a bit to the imagination.

sex noise

After all, this “coming together” of Stefan and Katherine was actually much less about sexual tension (though they have it in spades, for sure), and more about them both being precisely what one another needed in that moment.  Stefan needed to recognize that his pain over Elena’s abandonment of him was keeping him metaphorically trapped, emotionally suffocated, and afraid of moving on with his life.  Katherine’s willingness to be there for him, when he needed it most, literally allowed Stefan to breathe inside that safe, and, subsequently feel freer than he had in a long time.

elena free stefan

As for Katherine, her mortality and impending death were making her feel weak, old, and frail, sapping her of her usual survival instincts and will to live.   Seeing how much Stefan needed and wanted her, brought Katherine back to herself.  It made her feel, strong, sexy, and virile.  It gave her the desire to fight for her own survival.

im a survivor

Also, let’s face it, these are two people who REALLY like sex,  and haven’t been laid in a few episodes . . . so there’s that . . .

New Year’s Cleave

Back in flashback land, it’s New Year’s Eve and Damon and Enzo are prepped and ready for their great escape.  Everything starts off as planned.  Damon, emboldened by his extra shot of blood each day, breaks his own bones upon minutes of being let out of the cage, heals them, and then proceeds to pop out Dr. Whitmore’s eyeballs, just as Dr. Whitmore did to him early on in the episode.

You know, because no one gets between Damon and his darling baby blues . . . NO ONE.

damon soulful crying

Then he, takes the keys to the cages from Dr. Whitmore’s pants, frees hot Enzo and dashes off into the sunset.

Just kidding.  That would be the SMART thing to do.  Instead, Damon proceeds to kill all the party guests, knock over a candelabra, and set the entire place on fire.  Then, the bars are all hot, and Damon can’t save Enzo without becoming fried chicken in the process.  So, Damon does what any self-respecting antihero would do, he turns off his emotions, and walks out, leaving his buddy to chargrill.  Catch you later, Hot Enzo . . . who is now literally hot . . . as in BURNING TO DEATH HOT.

dont leave me

dont look back at explosions

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“Cool guys never look back at explosions.”

And so yet another clueless human learns about the existence of vampires is and changed forever . . .

Back in the present day, Doctor Death gives Aaron an impromptu lesson in vampires . . . explains that vampires killed his parents  . . . and gives him a vervain watch and some lame vampire research journals as a belated birthday present.  Traumatized Aaron travels down to vampire jail to find out which member of the Scooby Gang killed his parents and possibly Megan.  He accuses Elena, at first.  WRONG!  (Though Elena DID kill Jesse, Aaron never quite gets around to asking her about that.)

jesse vamp

“Et tu, human version of Eeyore?”

Damon admits that while he didn’t kill any of Aaron’s roommates, he did kill Aaron’s parents, and pretty much all of his ancestors, along with a boatload of Augustines.  In a brief flashback, we learn that Damon’s plan for vengeance against the Whitmores had been to kill everyone in their family but one, in each generation, to ensure that he would continue having Whitmore’s to kill for all eternity.  He better hope Aaron’s not sterile, because he just killed his last living relative Sarah, a few months back . . . when Damon and Elena had just started dating.

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full of surprise

Ruh-roh . .  . it looks like, while love heals all wounds, it may not be strong enough to satisfy one’s thirst for vengeance . . . just ask Amanda Clark from Revenge.

EMILY VANCAMP

What’s worse, many fans are speculating that Damon might very well have been the one to cause Elena’s parent’s accident, seeing as he was present moments before the accident occurred, and Elena’s father is currently presumed to have been a member of the Vampire Torture Fraternity.  Is there a Hallmark card out there that reads, “Sorry for maybe killing your parents, and for going on killing spree road trips, when you and I were supposed to be at home having mind blowing sex?  If so, Damon better start shopping for it now . . .

Aaron thanks Damon for his confession, by shooting him in the head.  Nighty night, Damon.

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He wakes up a few moments later to find his girlfriend missing from her cell . . .

elena ahhh

Someone needs to get more music on his iPod . . .

When you think about it, it’s a bit ironic that the haunting oldies tune “Walking After Midnight,” of all tunes, was the one that played in the background throughout most of “The Cell,” especially when you consider how little walking our Scooby Gang did during this episode.  I mean, seriously, this might very well have been the least ambulatory episode of TVD of all time!  Everyone seemed to be either, locked up in jail cells, or lying down in safes, strapped down to examination tables, or dumbfoundedly watching others lay around, sit around, or lie around in those places.

sad bored hobby

How does that old saying go?  Something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings?

Well, the same thing could possibly be said about idles minds and mouths, if Enzo (Welcome back, Enzo!  We just knew you were too damn good looking and charismatic to be a one-off flashback character on this show.) and his creepy crooning of what may very well be the ONLY song he’s been listening to nonstop since 1953, while strapped down next to Poor!Elena on an examination table, waiting to get his weiner chopped off or some such nonsense in the name of pseudo-science-as-an-excuse-for torture.  Let’s all invest in an iTunes gift card for this guy for Christmas, what do you say?

That said,  it does appear that Doctor Death at least took the time to get Enzo a modern day haircut, and update his wardrobe.  (Though, to be honest, I was kind of partial to his greaser duds.  They were sexy.)  This, of course, begs the question: why bother to play dress up with a guy you only let out once a year to be your dancing monkey at parties?  Could Enzo be THE Augustine Vampire to which Doctor Death has been referring all this time?  The one who has become allegiant to the same society that tortured him for over half a century?   The one that killed sweet Megan and her adorable glasses?

what one

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Only time will tell . . .

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries mid-season finale, Sad Sack Aaron learns that it’s hard out there for a relatively wimpy human on a show full of vampires.  Just ask Matt . . .

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Also, next week, Katherine dabbles in some cardio . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

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The Hunted – A Review of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 5 Premiere, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

better i know what you

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  It appears we have a lot of catching up to do . . .

long summer damon

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So, tell me, how did you spend YOUR summer?  Did you travel to far off places?

traveling kat

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Meet some new and interesting people?

girls making out

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Get healthy by starting a new . . . um . . . workout routine?

delena sex wow

delena sexing

mabeckah

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Change up your look a bit?

matt possessed by maenad

Black eyes are the new orange . . .

Perhaps, you just spent the summer relaxing by the pool?

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To be honest, it’s been so long, I’m just hoping that none of you DIED, and are merely carrying on the facade of living to spare my feelings.  (Please let me know if you are.)

omg dead

Regardless of what . . . or who . . . you were doing this summer, sometimes it’s just nice to return home and connect with old friends.

door kiss

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This week’s TVD Season Premiere saw most of our favorite Mystic Fallians heading into uncharted waters . . . sometimes literally.

drowning stef

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For Caroline and Elena, this meant going from vampires at the top of their high school food chain, to freshmen in college, who can’t attend frat parties, because no one will invite them in . . .

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For Damon, this meant staying home and having to babysit unruly humans, while his girlfriend was off having fun, and his brother was .  . . taking a really long bath.

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For Stefan, this meant interminable and repeated death by drowning . . . all while suffering from the knowledge that his brother and former lover were boning, and his shadow self was off wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls, while wearing his face . . .

beating up stefan

Katherine was forced to relearn the ignominy of running in high heels, and seducing men with her hot body and sexy smoker’s voice, as opposed to merely compelling them to like her like she used to do . . .

god you are hot fyeah katerina and damon

Matt had to endure .   . .  whatever the f*&k happened to him at the end of the episode . . .

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And Bonnie had to remain virtually ignored and invisible, while all her friends were out having storylines of their own, barely acknowledging her existence . . .  which, if you think about it, is not too different from what Bonnie does every season.

3 12 bonnie klaus knew youd catch me

In a show where more than 3/4’s of the characters are supernatural, there tends to be a lot of focus on predators and hunters, those with the power to feed on the weak and innocent.  But, at least at the start of Season 5, our Scooby Gang is feeling a lot more vulnerable and unprepared than usual.  They are the prey . . . the hunted.

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Let’s review, shall we?

happy elena

Summertime Blues

Poor Stefan and Bonnie!  All their friends have been so busy having sex with one another, that nobody seemed to notice that they both “died.”

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That’s the trouble with being a broody loner, Stefan Salvatore.  When you fall off the face of the Earth, everybody just assumes that you need “space,” and not that your evil doppelganger buried you in an underwater tomb for all eternity . . .

elena free stefan

As for Bonnie, her situation is arguably even more pathetic than Stefan’s.  By following said friends and family around unseen, while engaging them in one-sided conversations in which they will never take part, and shouting at them unheard, Bonnie has taken her usual sidekick status to a whole new level:  She’s become a TVD viewer .  . .  a fangirl!  The writers might as well put her on a couch, in front of a flat screen, for all her plot significance.

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Those of you who have lost someone special in your life, can probably relate to the belief that that person is up in Heaven somewhere looking down on you, doing his or her best to protect you and keep you safe.

always look after you faery in wonderland day after that

And yet, you kind of hope they aren’t watching you ALL the time, right?

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I mean, I don’t know how you picture YOUR Heaven.  But in my version, there’s a lot more to do there than simply watch the television channel tuned in to Your Loved Ones broadcast network.  My Heaven is happening place.  The people there party, socialize, and engage in hobbies.  They have LIVES in death.

heard party

So, as much as I think it’s “swell” that Bonnie is spending her ghost moments making sure her friends are happy, and aren’t missing her too much, I also think the writers have painted themselves into a bit of a corner with the character.  They need to either write her a storyline that puts her ghostly tendencies to good use, or write her out of the show.

burning bonnie

Because, honestly, if I wanted to watch someone scream at Damon and Elena completely unnoticed, I’d just put a camera on myself . . .

*gingerly steps off soapbox*

In happier news . . .

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Last season’s TVD finale marked the blossoming of two (sort of) new romantic relationships.  After an entire season characterized pesky sire bond concerns, humanity switches in the off position, arguments about Silas and The Cure, and crippling cases of Survivors Guilt, Damon and Elena FINALLY declared their love for one another the night after Elena’s graduation from high school.

kissing delena

As for Matt and Rebekah, their courtship was much less complicated: a few longing looks, and sexually suggestive comments, culminating in a decision to spend a summer on the road engaged in a good old fashioned no-frills Screwfest . . .

laughing bek

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to prefer my TV relationships unbearably sexually tense, and frustratingly unresolved .  . .

damon soulful crying

What can I say?  I’m a girl who loves the chase?  Romantic bliss bores me . . . at least when it’s of the fictional variety.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by how Damon and Elena and Matt and Rebekah behaved as couples.  I liked that both of these couplings seemed to make all parties involved better versions of themselves.

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The typically straight-laced Elena and Matt seemed happier, more carefree, and, of course, more sexually adventurous under the romantic tutelage of their naughty vampire counterparts.

As for Damon, he remained every bit of the snarky, sex-crazed, vampire I fell in love with three seasons ago.  And yet, finally obtaining the woman of his dreams has given him a certain maturity that his 170+ prior years on Earth never did.  In this episode, alone, we saw him take genuine fatherly concern in the well being of Jeremy Gilbert, the same kid he killed in Season 2 in a drunken rage fueled by romantic rejection.  Now, that’s progress!

damon and jer

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What’s more, Damon was willing to put aside the wounds of a 145 year long crush to help an ex-girlfriend in need, no sexual favors required.

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As for Rebekah, apart from the discovery that she might be bisexual, we learned little about what a summer of European sex with Matt has done for her personality.  But she did seem a bit less bratty than usual, don’t you think?

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Summer romances are easy.  The weather is hot.  The workloads are lighter.  And we’re all slightly more naked and carefree.

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The real test of these two functional couples will be weather they can survive the blustery fall and the long bitter cold of winter?  With Elena off having coed college adventures  . . .

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 . . . Rebekah embarking on TV spinoff territory, and Matt possibly turning into a Demon spawn, can these loves last through Sweeps Week?  Only time will tell . . .

Vampire College Hijinks

love college

I know comedy is not the main purpose of this show.  But am I the only one who thinks that the writers missed a real opportunity for hilarity by killing off Megan, a.k.a. The Unwanted Third Roommate so quickly?

new megan

I mean, think about it.  These Mystic Falls vamps are so used to living around folks who think it’s totally OK to guzzle from a blood bag, require formal invitations to enter establishments, brainwash pesky teachers and neighbors, and occasionally nibble on a neck or two.

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Imagine all the fun that could be had by pairing go-with-the-flow vamp Elena and Type-A hyper vamp Caroline with a TRULY CLUELESS college coed (which, I suspect we will learn, Megan actually wasn’t).  I can already picture Elena and Caroline putting scrunchies on the door, to fend off Megan, not when they are having sex like most dorm mates do, but when they are engaging in a blood binge.  (Megan would probably think they were secret lesbians, as opposed to secret vampires.)

catch blood

Caroline’s and Elena’s differing opinions about how to handle Megan also seemed ripe for situation comedy.  I can already see Caroline regularly compelling Megan (once she got her off the “protein” vervain water, of course) to do her bidding, and then going to ridiculous lengths to hide that compulsion from the more gentle-hearted Elena . . .

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“I swear, Elena.  She just did all my laundry, because she REALLY, REALLY wanted to . . .”

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But alas, Megan was destined to be Senseless Death Patient Zero in this show known for introducing seemingly important characters to provide product placement, and then die quick and painful deaths 20 minutes into the series . .  .

dead megan

That said, Megan’s odd connection to Elena’s father (suggested by the picture on her cell phone), her seeming knowledge of vampire lore (illustrated by her ownership of vervain, and her casual refusal to get Caroline and Elena invited into the frat party), and the way that her death was clearly perpetrated by, and promptly covered up by a vampire (bite marks . . .  fake suicide note), made for an intriguing introduction to this season’s college-based storyline.

megan and dad

(Speaking of faked suicides, rumor has it that if your college roommate offs themselves during the semester, you get straight A’s for the year.  If Elena’s and Caroline’s attendance records at Whitmore College are anything like the ones they had at Mystic Falls High, that perk is going to come in mighty handy for them this season.)

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In other college coed news, Caroline is seemingly suddenly single, after her boyfriend Tyler, once again decided to dump her by voicemail, opting to defer his freshman year at Whitmore, in exchange for “helping out a werewolf pack that needs me.”

scared tyler

Yeah . . . because that worked out SOOOO well for you last time, Tyler.

As for everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, with new dude Jess clearly keeping his eye on her, and Klaus just a couple hours away in New Orleans, I suspect she won’t be single for long . . .

crying caroline

jesse

itsdelenalove klaus caroline

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mr. Mom and The Juvenile Delinquents

Damon’s promise to Elena that he’ll be a good little house husband, while she’s off getting her learning on hits a bit of a snag, when he gets an unwanted visitor in the form of a newly human Katherine Pierce.

go away

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One of the problems with spending your 500 years on Earth pretty much pissing off, breaking the hearts of, and/or eating everyone you meet, is that eventually Karma will come back to bite you in the ass in pretty major way.

blisters damon

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Such is the case with Katherine, who has such an impressive talent for losing friends and alienating people that, by the end of the episode, she literally has an ENTIRE TOWN of people out to get her . . .

the kat kiss me or kill me

Katherine may have lost her ability to run in high heels without getting blisters, drink 3 bottles of tequila without getting drunk, compel enemies to do her bidding just by staring at them, and appear perfectly clean despite rarely being seen showering, or brushing her hair . . .  (Seriously, Girlfriend was downright dirty looking this week . . . Thank goodness for Damon’s magical bathtub, or we’d probably be able to smell her through the TV screen.)  But her snarktastic sense of humor, seductive talents, and supremely selfish sense of self-preservation remain refreshingly intact . . .

im a survivor

As difficult as it must have been for Elena’s doppelganger to ask Damon, of all people, for help, she did it without batting an eyelash.  And, in doing so, she succeeded, at least temporarily, in gaining herself a powerful vampire ally in a world where it has literally become almost impossible for humans to survive through midseason .  .  .

everyone die

Of course, by the end of the episode, she screws that up too.  But she still gets points for trying . . .

Speaking of navigating rough terrain, as if being the Creepy Kid Who Sometimes Talks to Dead People didn’t make him enough of an outcast, JerBear now has to add “came back from the dead” and “burned down his childhood home, just because he wanted attention” to his social resume.

talk to ghost

i see dead people

The character’s inherent weirdness aside, I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting high school student would be stupid enough to attempt to beat up Jeremy after getting a look at those crazy muscles he’s sprouted in the past year in a half.  Seriously, DUDE IS JACKED UP!

jer 1

Also, people rumored to have burned down their house?  Their usually not the kind of people you want to mess with.  Just saying . . .

And yet, on Jeremy’s first day back at school as a “real live boy,” he gets picked on by not one, but TWO ridiculously stupid teens.  So, he proceeds to wipe the floor with both of them . . .

beat 1

beat 2beat 3

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Now, I’m not generally a proponent of violence, but those two douchebags had it coming.  No one gets between a 16 year old boy and his cell phone . .. NO ONE!

Under normal circumstances, I suspect Damon Salvatore would be proud of his surrogate baby bro and law for sticking up for himself.  But Jeremy’s impending suspension spells trouble on the horizon between Elena and Damon, the latter of whom PROMISED to keep JerBear on the straight and narrow, while she was away at school .  . .

smirkies

So, Damon tries his hand at the “Dad Thing” offering Jeremy a surprisingly paternal lecture, and getting him accepted back into public school with the help of a little good old fashioned compulsion.  As for the unruly Katherine, he offers her his protection and a much-needed bath.  And so peace at La Casa de Rich and Awesome is restored . . .

damon eternal stud

For about five minutes, anyway . . .

no no on

Dr. Stefan and Mr. Silas

Even underwater and about three-quarters dead, Stefan Salvatore can’t help but be his brooding, mopey self, hallucinating conversations with Damon, in which the latter instructs him to turn off his humanity (just like he told Elena to do last season), and conversations with Elena where she tells him to keep his humanity ON.

Meanwhile, Doppelganger Silas is having FUN!

cheers

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He’s wearing (gasp) un-ironed shirts!

unironed shirt

His hair is less Christian Bale as Batman, and more Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies.

villain hair

ace ventura

He drinks police women’s blood out of styrofoam cups, and then reads their minds, just because he can  . . .

unkillable immortal psychic

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psychic 3

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He knocks directly into Jeremy’s recently-healed over Hunter tattoo at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, silently daring the the former killer to recognize him as Silas.

He gets all flirty with Katherine in the bathtub, and then, mere seconds later, tries to strangle her, like its the most natural thing in the world.

human better on you

flirting

kilas

When she slashes his face with a straight razor, and runs away from him he seems more amused than annoyed . . . the Devil’s version of foreplay.

cut and run

Whereas Klaus’ villainy came from a place of impulsivity, a hunger for power, and a subconscious need for love and attention, Silas is much more purposeful and single-minded, always appearing to be at least one step ahead of his adversaries.

3 1 evil stefan look

When Damon instructs Jeremy and Katherine to drive far away and not tell Damon where they are going (so that Silas cannot lift that information from Damon’s mind), Silas cleverly offers up the whereabouts of Stefan (who, up until this point, Damon did not even know was missing in the first place), in exchange for Damon turning in Katherine.

3 4 partner in crime kat hump

But Katherine’s pretty single minded too, when it comes to saving her ass.  And she orchestrates her own escape at Jeremy’s expense, by crashing Baby Gilbert’s car, while she and Mr. Muscles are still inside.

(OK, people REALLY have to stop murdering this kid.  It’s getting old . . .)

taking care of you

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It’s Daddy Damon to the rescue!  He lovingly holds JerBear in his arms, and nurses him back to life, by feeding him his own blood . . .

wake up kill you

jer bear hug

How sweet . . . and kind of gross . . .

By the time all this is happening, Katherine, of course, is long gone . . . but for how long?  And what exactly does Silas want from her anyway?  Methinks it has something to do with that annoying ass Cure they kept babbling on about last season .  . . the same Cure that now courses through Katherine’s veins . . . making her vulnerable, yet, at the same time, valuable.

the kat thank me brought cure

In other words . . . she’s Elena 3.0 .  . .

Ain’t No Party Like a Mystic Falls Party . . .

If I lived in Mystic Falls, one thing I would never ever do is attend a party, or memorial service, or period-themed dance, or graduation ceremony, or film showing of the movie classic, Gone with the Wind . . .

know how to party

In fact, I’ve become entirely convinced that Mystic Falls parties are part of a suicide pact among Mystic Falls residents.  They attend out of some mutually held agreement to regularly thin out the population, kind of like that short story I had to read in school called The Lottery, where spoiler alert, the winning townspeople got stoned to death . . .

This year’s “End of Summer” party is no different.

Matt meets up with the pretty lady Rebekah made out with in Europe at the beginning of the episode.  The good news?  She flirts with him, and gives him back his much coveted Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  The bad news . . . Matt has officially become one of the ill fated Bon Temps residents from Season 2 of True Blood.  Anyone whose seen the show knows exactly what I’m talking about . . .

matt possessed by maenad

maenad

This is what happens to you when you let strange men sneak up behind you and give you scalp massages while chanting in Latin, Matt!

behind you

Silly boy!

So, who the heck is this Nadia check, anyway?  And why is she giving Matt the black-color contact treatment?

nadia

Feel free to post your guesses in the comment section.

In other news, this Mystic Falls Party had a super special guest speaker . . .

SURPRISE!  IT’S SILAS!

killing the mayor

Silas’ first order of business?  Kill the Mayor?  Why?  Because it’s fun!

stefan shrug

Also, because the Mayors on these types of shows pretty much always have to be brutally murdered.  It’s like Supernatural Teen Show Rule Number 1.

Sorry Bonnie.  The bad news is that this show clearly hates you.  The good news.  Now you have a ghost dad!  Ghost Dads are fun!  Just ask Bill Cosby!

ghost_dad_ver2

Next order of business, hypnotize the entire town to become your mindless Katherine Hunting Slaves .  . .

have attention 1

have attention 2

have attention 3

have attention 4

Now, admittedly that was pretty impressive.  But also kind of unnecessary.  Why didn’t Silas just brainwash Katherine, back when he had her in the tub?  She’s human after all, and presumably entirely susceptible to that sort of thing.

compelling kat

Then again, I guess if he did that the story would be over, and we wouldn’t have a show.  So, here’s to overly complicated plans for the murder of a single individual!  Cheers!

klaus cheers

Next time on TVD . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

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