[Hey there, Werebangers! Your recap for Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield” is on its way! It should be posted by early evening, at the latest. Thanks for your patience! :)]
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Aria both learn how “the other half lives” (and by “other half,” I mean “stinking filthy rich half”), Hanna reads a lot of really big words from a bunch of really little note cards, everybody and their brother hit on Emily, and a whole lot of people experience . . . wait for it . . . “stolen kisses.”
P.S. WRREEEEEEENNN!!!! (Dude sure does get around, doesn’t he?)
Let’s review, shall we?
“The Great Fitzy” by Ezra . . . Fitzgerald?
Ahh, Fitzy.
Technically, we’ve known the guy since the pilot episode. And yet, he is still such an enigma. I mean, sure, we know he writes crappy poetry . . . enjoys bike riding, while wearing scandalously short shorts . . .
On second thought, maybe not so short . . .
. . . keeps hairy limes in his fridge . . .
. . . and has a psychopathic ex-girlfriend named Jackie, who occasionally makes him utter serial killer lines like this . . .
But what else do we REALLY know about this ex-high school English teacher, turned ex-college professor turned . . . future “journalist?”
Actually, this week we got to add quite a few important pieces of information to our dossier entitled “Fitzy.” For instance:
(1) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 1: His last name is actually “Fitzgerald.”
You know, like the guy who wrote “The Great Gatsby,” i.e. the book about all the rich, shallow and snooty people now a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio. This actually brings me to my next point . . .
(2) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 2: He’s actually filthy rich . . . or, at least, his parents are . . .
It looks like everyone’s favorite former teacher, has been holding out a bit on Aria . . . dining on Ramen Noodles with her, and slurping generic brand soda, when they could have been eating caviar (which is, in his defense, is gross, anyway) and sipping champagne. At least this kind-of / sort of explains, the unemployed guy’s recent penchant for expensive antique cameras, and fancy cars (though, of course, the jury is still out on those). . . .
Oh, and remember that time that Fitzy picked up Aria in a limousine for their “first date” to the Philadelphia museum? Suddenly, that’s making a whole lot more sense too . . .
Of course, the discovery Fitzy’s flush finances brings about an even more interesting question. Why does he live like such a poor slob, when he can live like a royal? Yeah . . . about that . . .
(3) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 3: Fitzy’s Mommy is the Rich B*tch Mom Archetype from Every Movie or TV Show You Have Ever Seen . . .
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Rich Boy / Girl falls in love with Not-so-Rich Girl / Boy, but Rich Boy / Girl’s parents don’t approve of the relationship. So, they try to sabotage it in the only way they know how, by throwing money at the problem. It’s pretty much the least original relationship storyline ever.
And yet, this particular tale of upper class meets upper-middle class “star crossed lovers” has much less to do with why Fitzy’s family sucks so bad, and more to do with what it says about Fitzy and Aria as human beings. Those of us (myself included), who have occasionally criticized Fitzy for lacking a bit of a backbone, were undoubtedly pleasantly surprised this week, when he immediately stood up to his mother on Aria’s behalf, even if that meant shunning wealth and a family connection. So, often in these type of stories, we see the “rich love interest” caving to his or her callous family’s demands. Not so here.
On another positive note, those of us who have occasionally criticized Aria for being a bit self-absorbed, were also pleasantly surprised to see her taking to heart some of the not entirely untrue criticisms Fitzy’s mom lodged at her, during the art benefit. After all, while Fitzy did personally choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Aria, despite the risks it held for his teaching career, it must be said that had he never met or dated Aria, he’d still likely be teaching English at Rosewood. Though it came from a judgmental and manipulative source, it was refreshing seeing Aria maturely evaluate the role she is playing in Fitzy’s life. It shows just how much she really cares about him.
You know, these two crazy kids . . . well, this one crazy kid, and this other crazy adult . . . might just make it after all . . .
A third refreshing turn of events in this storyline. For once, Papa Montgomery actually wasn’t a total douchenozzle! Way to be a decent dad, by reminding your daughter that she plays a positive role in her boyfriend’s life, despite the fact that said boyfriend is someone you, personally, hate.
I’m still glad Mama Montgomery is dumping your ass for the American Pie Guy though . . .
In other relationship news . . .
If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it’s in her . . . flask?
Why is Emily’s Lost Night at the Gravesite storyline, suddenly becoming the gay girl’s version of the Hangover movies?
First she was in Jenna’s car, then she was at some diner, now, apparently she was sucking face at Paige’s house, then she may or may not have helped dig up her ex best friend’s grave. For a girl who was roofied to the point of almost unconsciousness, Emily Fields sure was a busy little beaver, wasn’t she? (No pun intended.)
Anywhoo, when Emily tries to apologizes to Paige for inadvertently drugging her into a jealous cupcake spitting rage with her Flask of Truth, she learns that Paige has been keeping a Very Big Secret from her. Apparently, on the Night that Shall Not Be Named but we are going to keep bringing it up anyway, Emily found herself on Paige’s doorstep, drugged out of her mind. This of course, did not stop Emily from sticking her tongue down Paige’s throat. And it certainly didn’t stop Paige from letting Emily stick her tongue down Paige’s throat, even though, afterward she felt incredibly guilty for doing so . . .
I know a lot of fans were kind of harsh on Paige for letting Emily make out with her, when she was so clearly not in her right state of mind. And, as many of you know, I’m far from Paige’s biggest fan, especially after the whole “Trying to Drown Emily” thing.
*dunk, gurgle, gurgle, glug*
That said, anyone who has experienced unrequited crushing can certainly relate to how difficult it would be to stop the object of your affection from kissing you, when its something you’ve wanted for so long.
Now, I think I’d feel much differently about the situation, had Paige and Emily done more than kiss that night. But simply allowing an inebriated person to make out with you, is not a crime. Anyone who’s been to a high school or college party can tell you that.
However, Paige’s decision to hide this important information from Emily for as long as she did is a bit suspect in my eyes. Also suspect? Emily’s rationale that because she made out with Paige while nearly unconscious, she must secretly looooooove her.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in the fact that people shouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior. Being drunk might lower your inhibitions, but it doesn’t completely deprive you of control of your own mind, and bodily functions. (Well, at least most bodily functions . . .)
People who do things while drunk should not be excused from taking responsibility for them when sober.
That said, I think it’s safe to say Emily was more than just “drunk” on the night in question. And because of her state, things happened to her over which she clearly had no control. We know that a sober Emily would never have left her PLL friends to get into a car with not-blind Jenna. And she certainly wouldn’t have chosen to hover over Ali’s open, recently robbed, grave with a shovel. So, maybe, just maybe, Emily should take her actions on the Lost Night with a grain of salt . . .
“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gravedigger, but she ain’t messin’ with no corpsey corpse . . .”
Then again, had she done that, us fans wouldn’t have been treated to this awesome Olympic quality late night synchronized swimming session . . .
Step aside, Michael Phelps!
Meanwhile . . .
In which Nate gets creepier, Toby gets madder, and Caleb gets a WHOLE lot richer . . .
The obvious serial killer psychosis of Maya’s supposed cousin Nate continues to both intrigue and frighten me. If you recall, it was Nate’s idea that Emily probably acted out her subconscious desires while under the influence.
And while, as I said, his statement wasn’t entirely incorrect, Nate’s assertion that people who do “bad things” in their dreams, are the same as people who do bad things in real life sounded like a guy trying to justify his own bad acts . . . his own “murderous” acts, perhaps?
I mean, really, who besides a killer could argue that thinking about killing somebody is just as bad as actually killing somebody?
In other creepy Nate says news, Nate memorably noted that he could “totally see himself” committing murder, when he saw Garrett that day at the hospital, even going as far as saying that the Police Boy was “better of dead.” Once again, Nate seems to be attempting to rationalize away murder as something “anybody could do.”
Couple that with the guy skulking around Emily’s and Maya’s lakehouse, and hijacking Emily’s personal memories of Maya as his own (“OH! We used to do that too!”), and we are starting to get a pretty frightening picture of who this guy might be . . .
In light of the PLL girl’s recent discovery that Maya was seen getting into Police Boy’s Police Car on the day of her death, and the hints we’ve received lately, both from Mona, and Maya herself, that she “knew” a secret about Ali’s death, I have a new theory about Maya’s last moments. Wanna hear it?
Sure you do!
OK . . . so now I’m thinking that Maya found out about Ali having a murderous twin who really killed Alison, and decided to bring that information to the cops, hence her secret rendezvous with Police Boy Garrett. The only problem was that secret camp stalker boy Nate, saw these two together, and assumed they were hooking up. So, Nate kills Maya in a jealous rage, and is only too relieved when the deed is pinned on the police boy he hates . . .
Sounds pretty plausible, right?
Speaking of rages, Abs Toby is PISSED at Spencer for unwittingly making him a fellow Obstructer (Is that a real word?) of Justice regarding that whole “hit and run” thing that happened with Drunken Jason and his car . . . especially, now that Drunken Jason seems to be MIA . . .
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has another boy toy, with which to buy her time. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . CALEB!
That’s right! Hanna’s ex-beau has been logging in some serious bonding time with Rosewood favorite super sleuth, as the two worked together to crack the code of Maya’s website. (Even though we all know the password was “IMMD,” anyway!) Truth be told, Caleb and Spencer used to not really have all that much in common, considering that Spencer spent her spare time in country clubs, and Caleb slept in the school library. But now that Caleb wears $400 sweaters, and drives some fancy schmancy car, they, apparently, have plenty to talk about . . .
Now, in Caleb’s defense, he promises that the reason he’s helping Spencer crack Maya’s code (that sounds a little dirty) is to protect Hanna.
But as we all know, on PLL, good intentions always seem to lead to making out with someone you shouldn’t . . .
. . . which leads me to . . .
Now, Mona won’t have to “Miss (Her) Dolls”
It’s a bit ironic that while Spencer is spending quality time with Hanna’s ex beau, Hanna ends up locking lips with one of Spencer’s. It all stars when Doctor Sexy Pants Wren approaches Hanna with the “bad” news that Mona is going to be relocated to another nuthouse, if Hanna doesn’t speak on her behalf.
Sheesh! Hanna really must be the most forgiving person ON THE PLANET. I mean, if someone tried to ruin my life, and kill ME, you could be damn sure, I wouldn’t be appearing before some medical board in a suit, talking about how much I wanted to keep that person living down the street from me, as opposed to “far, far away” where she belongs.
I don’t know, I think brown rat asses are kind of cute!
Nevertheless, Hanna’s initially rehearsed, but, eventually extemporaneous, plea to allow Mona to stay at Radley, was oddly sweet and touching . . .
. . . you know . . . if you ignore completely the fact that Mona is a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH . . .
After the speech is over, Wren comes to Hanna to share with her the good news. Crazy Town Mona is HERE TO STAY! Umm, yay?
Well, Hanna certainly seems thrilled with the results of her presentation . . . so, thrilled, in fact, that she plants a big juicy wet smooch on Wren’s lips.
Ahhh . . . well, I certainly can’t blame anyone for making out with that adorable, delectable Brit. And if a relationship with Hanna, means more Wren on my TV screen, then, of course, I’m all for it.
But I have to say, I think Wren has much more chemistry with Spencer . . .
And Hanna has much more chemistry with Caleb . . .
. . . than Wren and Hanna do with one another. Does anyone else agree?
And the Password to Maya’s Super Morbid Secret Site is . . . ummm . . .
As I hinted at earlier, this week was also the week we finally got a peek at Maya’s password-locked website, which ended up somewhat of a cross between a private YouTube account, and a Facebook page, filled as it was with quirky, cute, video diaries, and a whole lot of pictures of Emily and Maya together. At this point, I suspect the series has really only scratched the surface of what sort of easter eggs the Masssugar.com site has in regard to Maya’s secrets / final days on Earth.
Of course, we got the obligatory, Morbid / Unintentionally Frightening videos you always see on the type of shows where the main characters are investigating the personal thoughts of the recently deceased. For example, Maya eerily predicting that her own website was “cursed,” and her ironic proclamation that she’s “always losing things.”
But I suspect the video that will become most important is the one of a frightened and tearful Maya (dressed in the same outfit she was wearing shortly after she came home from “camp”) talking about no longer being afraid, and finally revealing her secrets.
The question is WHAT secrets was she planning to reveal. Were they the ones about her stalker Nate? Or were they the one’s about Ali and her secret crazy twin? And were those secrets dangerous enough, that someone would kill her rather than risk having them revealed?
The plot . . . it thickens.
Speaking of thick, like many fans (including my awesome pal Sassy Fran, who did a kickass video blog of the episode this week), I was kind of annoyed at my PLL girls for pretty blatantly ignoring some of Mona’s most important coded clues from last week, i.e. Maya Knew, and PW: IMMD. Since Caleb got into Maya’s site through “back door” methods, we never did get to find out whether either of these were the password for Maya’s site.
I suspect Marlene King and Co. are waiting for a later episode to reveal the importance of these clues. That said, since Mona DID mention them last week, and most fans picked up on them, almost immediately thereafter, I think the writers were remiss in not, at least, acknowledging there existence.
But hey, what I do I know? I’m just a lazy recapper . . .
Anywhoo, that was “Stolen Kisses” in a nutshell. Next week on PLL . . .
As Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh ROH!”
Until next time, my Pretties!
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