Tag Archives: Winston

To Fluffer or Not to Fluff Her – What your favorite TV characters can teach you about unrequited love . . .

[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders.  I haven’t forgotten about you!  I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing.  But I’m BACK now.  You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours.  Thanks for your patience!]

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Not getting any lovin’ from that special someone in your life?  Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

“You’re an emotional fluffer,” the eternally wise Winston warned his perpetually unlucky-in-love loft mate, Nick on this week’s episode of New Girl, which was aptly titled “Fluffer.”

For those of you who don’t know what a fluffer is (or for those of you who are pretending not to know what a fluffer is, because you don’t want anyone to know you actually watch porn . . .) . . .

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A “fluffer” is someone whose job it is to keep porn stars “happy” prior to their . . . um . . . cinematic performances . . .

And by “happy” I mean HAPPY . . .

SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself if you didn’t see the episode.  WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT?  IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE!  GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?

Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second.  In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .

Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that.  You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .

. . . and That Guy . . .

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And pretty much every other male guest star on this show . . .

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. . . which is great for Jess . . .

But, perhaps, not so great for Nick . . .

Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?

In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was  . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative.  With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .

. . . a not-particularly-easy-to-assemble piece of furniture from IKEA . . .

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. . . and a rocking Nick Miller mix tape that contained the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is This Song . . .

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. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless .  . .

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. . . admit to being more than a little bit attracted to one another . . .

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Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?

Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .

. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .

Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week.  Get a load of Mulan . . .

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Talk about a hardcore fluffer!  I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .

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Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, this happened . . .

Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there!  If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP.  I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship.  But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!

Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery?  I thought you might . . .

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You’ve met Emily Thorne, right?  You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke.  But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?

And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .

. . .  before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her,  by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.

. . .  because that’s not creepy at all . . .

Confused?

It gets worse.  Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.

Insert coin, eject Meal Ticket . . .

So, while our hero, Emily is busy cooking Bartender Dude dinner, giving him longing looks across the beach, and helping him bury his dead dog . . .

R.I.P. Sammy, the almost, but not quite, immortal dog . . .

Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven.  Talk about UNFAIR!

This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection.  Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?

On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.”  Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.

And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .

And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .

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Now, she tells me!

So, yeah, love can be tough.  And being a fluffer can be even tougher.  But rest assured, unrequited lovers, sometimes the nice guy and girl really do get to finish first.

Harry and Sally, Pacey and Joey, Seth and Summer . . . they all eventually got their happy ending.  Your time will come too, you  Fluffer Nutter, you!

Because even if the girl or guy of your dreams is currently involved with someone else, there’s always the chance that they could break up . . . which brings me to this week’s episode of Glee . . .

But that, my friends, is a story for another post . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under New Girl, Once Upon a Time, Revenge

An Important Message from Future Nick Miller – A Recap of New Girl’s “Re-launch” and “Katie”

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Ah, New Girl.  There is so much to love about this show.  It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another,  just because they can . . .

But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .

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Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life.  This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.

Nick Miller’s Greatest Hits

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Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan.  Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory.  I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .

But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life.  She’ll take what she can get.

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Did I mention that Nick Miller sings “Groove is in the Heart,” while in the shower, and has a terrible singing voice?

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You might not know this about me, but I also sing bad 90’s music, while in the shower.  And I too have an awful singing voice.  Now, that’s what I call kismet . . .

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Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

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You can tell how far Jess and the guys have come in their relationship, when she gets canned from her job . . .

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. .  . and they awkwardly rally around her, trying to cheer her up, as opposed to merely be annoyed at her, like they were, when she first moved in . . .

Nick, in particular, seems deeply affected by Jess’ loss.  It even causes him to develop an Eye Twitch . . .

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Though Jess initially claims to be OK with her new-found unemployment . . .

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Nick doesn’t buy it, and goes to great lengths to help her through this difficult time.  He compliments her beauty . . .

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 . . . and her artistic endeavors . . .

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He encourages her . . .

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He even dances for her.  (And Nick Miller doesn’t dance for just anybody.)

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And when Jess’ foray as “shot girl,” at Schmidt’s “Dangerous Penis Party” . . .

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. . . causes her to finally break down, and face her fears about being an out-of-work teacher . . .

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. . . it’s Nick who races off to find her, comfort her, and, of course, tell her she has a plywood ass . . .

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Nick Miller will help you get laid . . . but only if you want to get laid by guys named Bearclaw . . .

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While Schmidt is coping with the idea that Cece has moved on to an adorably average looking guy . . .

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Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts.  This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .

Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .

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Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?

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Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom.  And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation.  (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)

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One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed.  Sorry, Nick!  Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .

Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!

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What would you do, if you had the opportunity to come face-to-face with your future self?

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What kinds of things would you ask him or her?

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And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?

Nick did.  And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .

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Yeah . . . that’s what us folks in the literary and media world like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Don’t you, worry Nick Miller.  Something tells me you and Jess will be having sandwiches and sex together soon enough.  It should have been ME, dammit!

The question is just how badly are you going to inevitably screw it up?

Just so you know, Nick whatever awful things you might do in the future to Jessica Day, I’ll still love you . . .

Until next time, New Girl fans . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][fangirls forever]

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Filed under New Girl

The Passion of the Jess – A Recap of New Girl’s “Tomatoes”

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Ahhh . . . Russell, a.k.a. the Fancyman . . .

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Ever since the character started dating Jess, a few weeks back, we all pretty much suspected that he wouldn’t be long for this series.

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(Well . . . almost all of us.)

I mean, sure, he seemed nice enough.  He had a good job . . . lots of cash.

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The dude had a real talent for shot-gunning beer, and playing True American.

He even had the Nick Miller Stamp of Approval, something neither of Jess’ previous beaus on the show managed to obtain.

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And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.

Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.

Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul?  Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick?  Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?

As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that.  And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.

Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see.  Either you have it . . .

.  . . or you don’t.

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In essence, that was what “Tomatoes” was all about . . . passion . . .and tomatoes . . . and Schmidt’s weiner . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Sowing the Seeds of a Brighter Tomorow

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The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes.  Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . .  so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .

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(By the way, if Martin Scorcese ever actually directed a remake of The Wizard of Oz, it would totally win an Oscar . . . just sayin’.)

 . . . but that’s neither here nor there.

As a Prospective Parent of Tomatoes, Nick was a doting, if unorthodox, father . . . one who ascribed to the Alicia Silverstone School of Child Nourishment.

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I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.

Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.

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“You like my personality?”

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”

Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.

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It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.

Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes  . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)

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Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?

Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .

But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?

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Speaking of love, sex, and MAN PAIN IN YOUR PANTS  . . .

“Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” 

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*giggle snort*  “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”

After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women  — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see.  What’s up with that?  Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)

. . .  Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell.  When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.

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Oh honey, you aren’t fooling ANYONE!

Jess isn’t worried, though.  She has this situation under control.  She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.

At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .

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 . . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation .  . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.

“Threesome, anyone?”

Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on.  Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli.  (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant.  Poor girl.)  During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .

. . .  Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.

She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.”  Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face.  But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it.  “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.

Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion.  YAYYYYY!  WOO- HOO!  YIPPEE!  What a shame!

“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”

Hasta la vista, Rusty.  You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends.  And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .

Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood.  And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about.  I feel your pain, Nick.  Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships.  They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.

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That said, you know what made ME happy?  The last scene of this episode.  (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)

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Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world.  And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee.  The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.

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I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.

Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex.  Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now.  She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated.  And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.

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Nick, of course, knows none of this.  He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink.  And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on.  What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward,  sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.

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Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force.  Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink).  Well, you got it, honey!

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Now, if we could just get that spare guest star girlfriend out of the way . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under New Girl

The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

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Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?

I know, I DO!  But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television.  After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .

That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.

Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE!  I’m going to do it,  anyway!  (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus.  So, what do YOU care?)

So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .

Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”

This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .

“You can trust me!  I’m a Disney Princess!”

Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .

Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .

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And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes.  This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .

 I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress.  (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)

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P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was.  (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)

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Zombie?

Mad Men – Tea Leaves

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you.  Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?

Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable.  This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character.  For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show.  Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes.  (They are already on their fourth.)

Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.

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“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”

Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right?  You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . .  .

So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table.  (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease.  So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)

Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .

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Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee.  Happy Passover!

Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side.  But he’s a smart guy.  And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .

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I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete.  The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .

Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .

The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”

So . . . um . . . this happened . .  .

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And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs!  He must do Pilates.  Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you .  . . bigger.

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Or . . . maybe not.  But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not.  From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week.  And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . .  .

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In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .

New Girl – “Secrets”

Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”

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Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .

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Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .

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And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse .  . .

“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies.  Let’s go rob some banks.” 

(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her.  She’s not fooling anybody.)

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Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .

Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”

It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself .  . .

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And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .

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Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .

Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore.  We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . .  .

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(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale,  lately . . .)

In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .

Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”

This guy . . .

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 . . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .

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Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings.  I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .

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Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds .  . .

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You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment.  Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT  . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .

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Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .

Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.  It was rather disturbing . . .

And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.

Puppies make me mushy.  Babies?  Meh! 

Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .

P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME!  (We can be short and snarky together!)

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 And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review.  So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, The Big Bang Theory

Pride and Prejud-Jess – An Animated Mini-cap of New Girl’s “Fancyman, Part 1”

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(I suspect Elizabeth Bennett would agree with this statement.)

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I tend not to recap sitcoms.  I just find it kind of difficult to say something uniquely “witty and amusing” about a show, whose main purpose is to be “witty and amusing.”  In short, sitcoms are usually funnier than I am.  And that makes me feel inferior . . .

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However, lately I’ve come to develop a bit of an obsession with television character, Nick Miller (MARRY ME, NICK MILLER!) the sitcom New Girl.  The show is surprisingly smart and quirky, in an oddly relatable way.  Every episode is chock full of compulsively quotable one liners.

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Also, the entire cast has great chemistry with one another.  And the relationships between the show’s main characters are captivating and fun to watch . . .

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OK . . . OK . . . So, maybe there is one relationship on the show in which I’m just a teensy weensy bit more invested than the others.  I’m a girl.  SUE ME!

Therefore, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a “recap” of this week’s episode of New Girl, in which I shameless mooch off the gif-making abilities of others, and include very little of my own original content. . . .

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Poor Nick!  He can’t get a new cell phone, because he weighs more than his credit score.  (By the way, I didn’t know the cell phone company actually checked your credit score.  This makes me feel a little violated.   It also makes me think that Nick would be great in those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials .  . . you know, the ones with the scruffy, but oddly hot guy, with the bad credit score, who lives with his mom, plays the banjo, and sometimes dresses up in a pirate costume . . .)

Nick’s misfortune is apparently a source of great amusement to the Good Folks at Verizon, who tease him mercilessly.  You know, because people who sell cell phones for a living are always Bastions of Conservative Spending.

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Personally, I’m not sure why Nick didn’t just buy one of those nifty prepaid cell phones at the local Quick-e-Mart.  But I guess that wouldn’t be very funny . . . unless, of course, the “Mart” in question was owned by Apu from The Simpsons . . .

While walking home from the cell phone store, Jess tries to cheer up Nick, by telling him the not having a cell phone might actually make him seem “cool” and “mysterious” . . .  like a Mole Person . . . or the Unibomber.

And hey, at least he will never have to worry about going over his text messaging limit!

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At this rate, Nick is going to have to invest in some genuinely ambitious carrier pigeons, if he wants to maintain his social life.  (Carrier pigeons don’t check credit scores.  Do they?  Remind me to ask the cast of Game of Thrones about this.  They owe me one.)

In a surprise show of Roommate Solidarity, Jess offers to throw out her phone too . . .

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But then, Nick reminds her that he gave his mom her number, in case of emergencies . . . a sure sign of budding love, if ever there was one . . .

OK, so now we know why Nick hates the rich and people who work at Verizon.  But what about Jess?  Well, it turns out, she had her own little “Lizzie Meets Mr. Darcy” Moment at school, earlier that day.

Just like their iconic literary predecessors, Jess’ first meeting with Russell, a father of one of her students, doesn’t exactly go well.  The fact that Jess was dressed like this certainly didn’t help matters . . .

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By the way, check out the board behind Jess’ head.  Ahh . . . if only I had Ms. Day as a teacher when I was eleven.  I would TOTALLY be writing letters to convicts, and checking my head for lice, instead of “engaging in intercourse,” while in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  (What kind of hippy dippy school is this?)  Then again, when it comes to protecting your vegetables from STDs, I guess it’s never too early to learn  . . .

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As for single dad, Russell, he seems much less concerned with Jess’ Salad-Friendly take on sex education, than with her insistence on the students’ daily forays into artistic expression.  Apparently, he’s a bit concerned by his daughter, Sara’s decision to create this piece, entitled “A Trip to the Mall with Grandma.”

(Coincidentally, I have a piece just like this, hanging over my bed . . .)

Possibly worried that, in her next work of art, his daughter will substitute real human heads for baby doll ones, Russell angrily informs Jess that, from now on, Sara will be “opting out” of “artistic expression time,” and will, instead, engage in, “Solo Study Hall.”  Jess — who never met a baby doll head, or bloodied white glove, she didn’t like — is furious that Russell is squashing poor little Sara’s dreams of becoming a serial killer an installation artist.  When she complains to her principal, the latter warns her not to rock the boat, when it comes to Russell, who is apparently a Big Money Donor to the school.  In fact, according to the principal, Russell might pull his funding, if he is dissatisfied with the way his daughter is being educated.

Not one to be so easily swayed, Jess offers her principal alternatives to taking scholastic money from “The Man.”

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But the principal is not amused, and demands that Jess apologize to Russell Rich Guy for her behavior.  At the horns of a moral and ethical dilemma, Jess turns to her roommates for help.  Winston and Schmidt think she should suck it up and apologize, for the sake of her job.  But Nick is all, “Damn Mr. Fancyman.  Save the Empire!”

Jess decides to take Nick’s advice, because she’s secretly in love with him and stuff.  (Hey, no one said this recap wouldn’t be biased!)

On her way to meet Russell Rich guy, and give him a piece of her mind, she has Schmidt and Nick on the phone, for moral support.  With Nick chanting, “We ARE the 99 percent,” in her ear, she can’t lose . . . that is  . . . until her old clunker of a car breaks down, and Russell, himself, arrives to witness the embarrassment . . .

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“Weird Guy” Russell gallantly offers Jess his Bentley, so that she can drive home, without having to worry about bursting into flames by staying in her car . . . He does this, despite knowing absolutely nothing about her, aside from the fact that she often has men remove their condoms themselves, after intercourse, and lets his daughter draw decapitated heads during “Art Time.”  (Hey, no one said rich people were smart.)

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(I STILL do that!)

Though Jess initially rebuffs Russell’s offer, she eventually grudgingly accepts his help . . . the lure of a working automobile, being simply too enticing to pass up . . .

Later, back at the house, Jess admits to her bestie,  Cece, that she’s been invited to Russell Rich Guy’s Fancy Rich People Cook Out, but doesn’t want to attend.  Always one to offer the Tough Love, Cece chastizes Jess for being afraid of grown-up men, who might actually be capable of taking care of her, as opposed to the other way around.  (Wow, New Girl just got deep!)

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Meanwhile, in B-plot Land, Winston is feeling inferior, because he isn’t as good at triva as Schmidt.  And it’s making him look bad in front of his new girlfriend . . .

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When Schmidt’s repeated offers to “put on some Jodeci” to help set the mood, don’t help, Winston turns to the kid he sometimes babysits for, for help . . .

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But it turns out, even the kid is better at trivia than Winston.  So, this only makes him feel worse.  But then, everything kind of sorts itself out, when Winston’s girlfriend tells him that she loves him . . . wait for it . . . just the way he is . . .

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(My sentiments exactly, Schmidt.)

Back in A-plot Land, Jess takes Nick as her date to Russell Rich Guy’s cook out.  (Naturally!)  Remember in Pride and Prejudice, when Elizabeth Bennett visits Mr. Darcy’s estate, for the first time, and is initially totally put off by how ridiculously big and expensive everything looks.  (“He’s just so . . . rich.”)  But then she sees that massive bust of his head, and completely falls in love with all the wonderful things money that can buy?  Well, that’s kind of what happen to Jess and Nick, as they explore Russell’s mansion, completely unaccompanied.  (You’d think a guy like Russell could afford an alarm system . . . or at least some doors with locks.)

Though unimpressed by the “snooty island” in Russell’s kitchen, Nick is immediately captivated by Russell’s Sexy Mysterious Benefector in a Romance Novel Office . . .

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Jess is captivated too . . . by Russell, himself . . . Then again, maybe it’s just his eggrolls . . .

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However, she’s slightly less enthused by his Japanese bidet . . .

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  . . .  which does give her a “deep cleaning,” but not exactly in the way she might have intended . . .

Count on Jess to crank the bidet up to “Six Happy Faces,” when Three is all that is necessary to give one’s bum a solid washing . . .  Of course, it’s Russell to the rescue, once again . . . breaking into the bathroom at the last moment, to rescue his Damsel in Dist-Jess, like Batman, Ironman, or any of those other obnoxiously rich superheros out there . . .

Jess is grateful, but incredibly embarrassed, and wants out of La Casa de Ridiculously Wealthy,  ASAP.  But good ole, Nick has seen the light, and doesn’t want her to leave . . . thanks to a soulful conversation he recently had with, you guessed it, Russell McPerfect.  The latter walks in on Nick, in a bit of an awkward moment, but not quite the type of “awkward moment” you might expect . . .

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(Hmm . . . I wonder what kind of inanimate objects Russell Rich is sexually attracted to?  Stock certificates, perhaps?)

Russell somehow manages to tell the chronically underachieving Nick that he should “grow up,” without sounding snobby or condescending.  Russell also admits that he likes Jess a lot.  The admission touches Nick, so much, that he immediately becomes Team Jess and Russelll . . . (or, rather, the way I like to see it, Team Jess and Happiness . . . . because I refuse to believe that Nick would rather Jess be coupled with anyone but Nick, himself . . . were it not for his own current financial shortcomings).

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So, back in, Jess goes . . .  And for her courage, she’s rewarded with a dinner date invitation from Russell Rich  . . .  (If she plays her cards right, there may even be eggrolls involved, and/or cucumbers with condoms on top.)

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 She also gets to have a nice little dip in the koi pond . . .

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This time, it’s Nick who decides to come to Jess’ rescue . . .

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Unfortunately, Russell’s instructions regarding Chair Sweater Folding Techniques prevent him from being as effective a superhero as he otherwise might have been . .  .

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In Nick’s defense, the “President of Earth” is a busy guy.  And he can’t save every pretty girl that falls in the koi pond . . .

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Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, and Dr. Evil would definitely approve . . .

That’s all she wrote, folks.  Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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