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“A Tale of Two Kanaimas” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Venomous”

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Kanaima.

Kanaima who?

I Kanaimake sense of what Lydia wrote on the board. 

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Oh . . . that’s better.

Howdy, Werebangers!  Five episodes into the season, and we’ve already solved one of Teen Wolf’s biggest mysteries: Who’s the Kanaima? (Hint: It’s not This Guy . . .)

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You know, one of the things I love most about this show . . . well . . . aside from the obvious . . .

. . . is its willingness to challenge TV conventions.  By all estimates, “Venomous” was a high – octane hour of whodunnit-type television that could have easily served as a season finale.  Like many finales, “Venomous” offered action, intrigue, and a mass murder mystery, which resulted in a standoff that pitted nearly every major cast member against one another.  And of course,  it ended by answering a HUGE question that had been plaguing the series since the first episode of this season.

“You mean to tell me I’m that asshat lacrosse-playing douche!  Thanks, a lot!” 

But perhaps the best thing about “Venomous” is that it WASN’T a  finale.  And that is a very good thing . . . because for every question this episode answered for us Teen Wolf fans, it posed about three more.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, my own personal screencapping genius, for everything you see here.]

Who’s the dumbbell, now?

The episode begins with a very (sexually?) frustrated Jackson struggling under the weight of a seemingly puny barbbell.

“Come on, Jackson.  You can do it!  Lift that five-pound weight!”

This, understandably confuses Jackson, who, just a day or so ago, had been able to lift up a car with his bare hands.

It’s just another one of those things that sets Jackson apart from his wolfy companions, who, even in human form, can exhibit bouts of superhuman strength, pretty much, anytime.  Jackson’s “strength” on the other hand, only seems to come out at night, and is sporadic, even then.

When Danny grows bored with his wimpy cranky friend, he exits stage left.  (Can you blame him?)  This gives Derek’s lame-o wolfpack members, Tweedledee and Tweedle dumb boobs, an opening to perform their kidnapping of the Lacrosse Co-Captain, who they obediently cart off to their maker.

“I don’t want to join your Mickey Mouse Wolf Club, OK?  So stop asking.”

“Are you sure?  All members get a free t-shirt!” 

Suspecting Jackson (the pack member that never was) of being the Kanaima, Derek feeds him a drop of venom that he somehow collected from the poolhouse.

“Open wide for the choo-choo train!”

“Good boy.  Now, play dead.” 

Derek’s (WRONG!) theory is that, if Jackson is immune to the venom, he must be the Kanaima.  Unfortunately for Derek, Jackson is not-so-much immune, and spazzes out on the floor, before becoming completely immobile.  Oops!  I guess that means it’s back to the drawing board for our good pal, Derek.

Wolfy Isaac, who’s kind of been put to waste as a character, having been given little to do on the show, aside from make weird faces . . . and repeatedly get his ass kicked . . .

 . . . however, is not quite through with Jackson.  There’s still the little matter of the latter recanting his story to the cops about seeing Isaac and his father fighting on the night of his father’s Kanaima-inspired murder.  Conveniently enough, this little favor allows newly free man Isaac to return to school, so that he can do Derek’s bidding out in the open.  How nice for him!

“It’s a Matching Leather Jacket Party, and you’re not invited!”

Someone help Lydia . . . please

Also at school, Lydia is still suffering from waking Alpha nightmares.  This most recent one, involves the Alpha scribbling strange circular messages for her on a chalk board, while all her classmates look at her, like she’s nuts.

“It’s funny how in Lydia’s daydreams I’m really good at math.  Because, in real life, I didn’t even know how to read.” 

“Awk-warrddd!” 

Unfortunately, for Lydia, it turns out that last part isn’t exactly a dream.  She returns to real time to find that she’s written “Someone help me” backwards across the chalkboard instead of the math equation she was SUPPOSED to solve.  Hey Lydia, it could be worse.  You could be naked . . . like last time.

Things become crystal clear (Maybe .  . .)

In chemistry class, Derek’s pack (except for Boyd, who always seems to get a pass from these lame Wolfy Games) torments Scott, Allison and Stiles, while keeping an eye on Lydia,  who has now become their top Kanaima suspect.

For about the 18,000th time this season, Erica aggressively throws herself at Scott . .  .

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. . .  and totally “Regina George’s” her nemesis, Allison.

Poor naive, Erica.

I have a book you might find interesting .  . .

Speaking of rejection, it seems poor Isaac has a little angry hard-on for our friend Lydia, ever since the latter rejected in middle school, and made him cry.

“You wouldn’t reject me, would you, Stiles?”

Lydia’s protector and perpetual unlikely hero, Spiderman Stiles has something to say about that . . .

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Sadly though, no amount of words can protect Lydia from a lying-in-wait Derek, when she unwittingly ingests venom, during chemistry class, and experiences none of its paralyzing side effects.

“Gnom-nom-nom.  Mmm . . . venom cystal.  Yummy!” 

“Grrrrr.” 

Uh oh, Scooby Gang!  It’s time for Plan B!

Operation: Save the Butterfly

During her shrink session, Lydia stubbornly tells Dead Maya from Pretty Little Liars / Dead Emily from The Vampire Diaries that every inkblot picture in her Rorschach Test looks like a butterfly, even the one that OBVIOUSLY was made to resemble a wolf, and the one that sort of/kind of resembles her recently deceased Alpha “boyfriend.”

“Butterflies are pretty.” 

“That one might still be a caterpillar.” 

Meanwhile, in a surprise move,Jackson joins forces with, as he calls them “Testicle One” and Testicle Two” (How fitting!) . . .

“Believe it or not, you two actually do vaguely resemble my testicles.”

 . . . to protect Lydia from the Wrath of Derek, which he was unlucky enough to recently experience for himself.  Of course, Jackson still has his own selfish motives in mind.  He’s still using Creepy Photographer Guy and Danny to uncover the lost footage on his sleepytime not-so-sex tape, which he suspects Lydia might have “edited” for him.  After all, she DOES have a key . .  .  (How else could she regularly sneak into his house and watch The Notebook?)

As far as plans go, Scott’s plan to save Lydia from Derek and Co. is surprisingly well thought out, despite the fact that Scott, while a nice guy, has always been a bit of a mental midget.  The first part of the plan involves attempting to prove to Derek that Lydia ISN’T actually the Kanaima, before school lets out.  It is randomly determined that shrinkypoo reads Latin.  So, Allison goes to her, in an attempt to translate the Bestiary page on Kanaimas.

How come the kanaima in this book, looks like the werewolf in last season’s book? 

Now, this seems like a throwaway scene, but it’s actually important.  Shrinkypoo notes that, while wolves seek pack affiliation, Kanaimas are always on the hunt for a single “friend,” to make them feel less lonely.  And thus, the theory of the two Kanaimas is born .  . .

Elsewhere Derek tries (and fails) to talk Derek out of wanting to kill Lydia.  Why?  You ask.  Well, for one thing, Scott really has no way of proving that Lydia isn’t actually the Kanaima.  For another . . . ummm . . . Derek just REALLY seems to like killing people  .  . .

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Scott’s theory, like the one Jackson, himself, had earlier, is that Lydia is somehow immune to wolf bites, and passed that immunity on to Jackson.

Cocky Derek doesn’t like the idea of ANYONE being immune to his sexy saliva.  Derek has a different theory, and here it is: some people who are bit by werewolves, become OTHER TYPES OF SHAPESHIFTERS, that better reflect their personality.  You know, like Isaac becomes a wolf with no eyebrows.  Erica becomes a wolf that isn’t really a wolf, but still has pointy teeth.  And “Lydia” becomes a rather masculine looking snake . . . because she’s a b*tch.

Interesting theory, Derek . . . it would kind of fly in the face of traditional werewolf lore, though . . .

When Phase One of the plan fails, it’s time for Phase Two: bring Lydia to Scott’s house (his mom’s never home,  anyway), and hide the accused lizard there .  . . without telling her why, of course.

An eye-opening discovery

While the rest of the Scooby Gang (even Jackson) whisk Lydia away, Scott gets accosted by Coach Crackpot for “not protecting Danny’s equipment.”  Coach Crackpot thinks that Scott should protect Danny’s equipment all the time.  Unfortunately, for some of you, I’m not actually talking about Danny’s weiner.  I’m talking about his actually equipment . . . as in “lacrosse uniform,” which was ripped clean in half, following the last game.

“That’s hot.” 

So, is DANNY the Kanaima, due to his miraculous fabric-ripping skills.  Apparently, not.  When Scott confronts Danny in the library, we learn that HE had lent his uniform to none other than Jackson, during the game, while he played the position of goalie.  Hmm . . .

Speaking of Danny, it seems everyone’s favorite Teen Wolf gay has developed a bit of a crush on Creepy Photographer Guy, who plays for his team (lacrosse), but may or may not play for his “TEAM,” if you catch my drift . . .

Together, the two manage to restore the lost footage from Jackson’s camera.  And it is . . . as I hinted before rather “eye opening.”

“Wazzzzzzup!” 

Of course, we still don’t know who edited the tape in the first place.  Though these two (Danny and Creepy) clearly have the werewithal to do it themselves . . .

Oh, P.S. Creepy Photographer guy just figured out that whole, “Scott can’t take pictures anymore, because he’s a werewolf” thing.  BUSTED!

Erica gets OWNED . . .

In one of my favorite moments in the episode, Stiles adorably barricades Scott’s house to protect Lydia from Derek’s pack, while the Scooby Gang waits for Scott to return home.

 However, try as they might, it doesn’t take long for Tweedledee and Tweedledumbboobs to enter the house.    (Again, how come Boyd never has to do the dirty work?  Is he too cool for this?)

Anywhoo, Wolfy Erica, who’s sole new personality trait seems to be “Slutty B*tch” takes this opportunity, once again to threaten Allison with stealing Scott from her, despite the fact that Scott seems like he’d probably prefer to make out with Derek or Stiles . . . or anyone else in the cast really, over Erica.  Earlier Erica teased that she was “a little bit psychic,” and that’s why she knew that Sallison wasn’t really going to work out.

But her psychic powers seem to have a bit of a blind spot.  Because she definitely didn’t count on Allison shooting her with a venom coated bow and arrow.  (Where did these guys get all this extra venom from?)

Within minutes, Erica is down for the count.

“This is the part where I have my way with you.”

 Now that’s some powerful venom!  Just a little bit on the fingers (or in the mouth . . . like Jackson), and wolves are apparently paralyzed from the neck down . . . which confuses me, because I thought the Kanaima needed to scratch the victim’s spinal column, in order to get that result (as he did with Hot Black Argent, Douchey Grease Monkey, and Derek).

After all, wasn’t Stiles still able to call 911, after HE touched the evil venom?

Anywhoo, you can imagine Derek’s frustration when Tweedledee and Tweedledumbbumbs, both incapacitated by Kanaima venom are haphazardly tossed out of Scott’s house, like yesterday’s trash . . .

“It’s naptime . . . again.” 

At some point, during all this, Scott finally arrives back home for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for . . .

The key to the Mystery

Meanwhile,  Jackson takes Lydia into Scott’s room to confront her about having the key to his house / possibly editing his Werewolf Porn video, while he slept.  Lydia denies having the key, or any knowledge of said video.  But Jackson’s newfound “powers” seem to enable him to sense that she’s lying, simply by staring at her boobs.  Impressive!

This, of course leads to the two of them making out, which is surprisingly hot . . . possibly because this is the first time I’ve seen Jackson show ANY emotion apart from “whiny and generally pissed off.”  I honestly didn’t know he had it in him  . . .

“Has anyone ever told you, your tongue is a little lizardy?” 

While the pair is making out, Jackson gets a bit of a rash .  . . a rash that looks suspiciously like Lizard Scales . . . Ruh roh!

“Remind me to stop rolling around naked in the poison ivy.” 

 I smell KANAIMA!

Alpha to Alpha, and Kanaima to Kanaima

In the final scene of the episode, Derek hits on Scott, by telling him that he is the Alpha to his own pack (referring, I guess, to Allison, Stiles, Lydia and Jackson).  Too bad flattery is useless on Scott, who just looks confused.

“Hot guy say WHAT?” 

 Then again, maybe that’s because there’s a Lizard Thingy on the roof of his house . . .

“Hey guys!  Miss me?” 

Seconds later, Lydia pops out, wondering why she wasn’t invited to this party, thereby proving once and for all, that she’s not the Kanaima.

“It’s Jackson,” mutters Captain Obvious Scott, just in case some of the fans of the show are particularly slow.

But wait!  You say!  Jackson was paralyzed by the Kanaima venom Derek took from the pool last week. And Jackson is a good swimmer, whereas THAT Kanaima fears water.

This, of course, brings me back to the “Two Kanaimas” theory.  A theory that seems all but confirmed in the final scene, in which Kanaima Jackson sidles up to a car, in which he seems to find the “friend” he’s been looking for, all along.

“Yo!  What up, dog!  Give me some skin!” 

But who’s the friend?  All we know about him so far, is that he has an Eisenstein bumper sticker, and wears black gloves.  Is it the Nerdy Chemistry Teacher, who hates Stiles, and loves quoting Einstein?

Is it the Kid Outside the Shrink’s office, who complimented Lydia’s pink gloves?  Is it Shrinkypoo, who knew the Kanaima needed a friend?  Or is it Creepy Photographer Guy, who seems the most likely editor of Jackson’s Wolf Porn video?

It looks like we may have to wait until next week to find out.

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See you then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I wanna be like you” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ice Pick’

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Best . . .  gynecologist appointment . . . EVER! 

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?

This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.”  Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones.  For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .

. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.

You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream.  Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . .  well, so far, that seems to be about it.

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Let’s review the episode, shall we?

(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s.  The boring words are all me!)

“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”

Oh those Wacky Argents!  They sure know how to have a good time!  We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter.  (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)

We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison.  After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank?  This isn’t reality TV!

Allison’s not entirely alone.  There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison.   I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.

But more on him, in a bit . . .

The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car.  (Did she pay?  I hope she paid!  Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.)  It’s  too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.

Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station.  She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.

Kinky! 

Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.

“Happy Father’s Day!”

A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.

Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season.  Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten  . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree.  Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing?  Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia?  Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?

Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel.  He smiles and bows.  Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.

Allison Argent . . .

“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?”  Allison pouts.

Probably.  But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.”  Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society.   The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill.  Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess.  Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.

She does it in two and a half hours.  And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome.  It took him three hours during his “training.”  Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life.  We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.

“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.” 

Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws.  Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .

Hitting the Wall

We’re in gym class now.  Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.

“Stop looking at my bum.  You dirty bum looker!” 

Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent?  Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.

Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica.  New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.

In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever.  He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.

Who knew he had that in him.  Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .

But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall.  Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down.  No big deal right?  You know that’s not the end of that story.

Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans.   While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.

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I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement.  They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly.  But never actually show it to us.

Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand.  Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness.  And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall.  Scott catches her, before she hits the ground.  “My hero!”

“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.” 

Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble.   I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.

Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park. 

Scott says “he just felt it.”  Because apparently,  being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures.  Groovy!

Now we’re at the hospital.  Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom.  It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?

“Don’t worry, Erica.  Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.” 

Mommy leaves soon after.  Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue.  (I guess he “felt” her too.)

DEREK TO ANDRE:  “Hey!  You cropped out my sexy tank top.  What gives, buddy?” 

 Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever.  You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms.  But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.

Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .

He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking.  At least now we know why she’s not taking it.  Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.

“Golly.  I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.” 

It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . .  . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.

But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible?  Like rabies.  I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already.   So, getting it again is no big deal.

I’m getting off track again.  What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack.  Umm . . . yay?

Speaking of cures .  . .

The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia

In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.

“Daydreaming of Wolfy.” 

This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .

Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.

“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook.  You are like SOOO evil!”

Then, she runs off to the bathroom to cry.

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 I don’t know.  If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying.  In fact, I’d be doing this . . .

Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall.  Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom.  Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor?  Forget Athlete’s Foot.  We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!

All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven.  But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there. 

Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty.  (She didn’t even wash her hands!)

Big Foot is gone.  But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies.  So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People.  She’s just seeing Dead Peter.

As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think.  Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .

The “Fa” Sound

We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are.   They  apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses.  I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.

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$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey!  So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty.  “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.

It’s like Sesame Street.  This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”

As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.

“As in Forty?”  Stiles tries again.  (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)

But Boyd is unmoved.  Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash.  That’s a lot of money for a high school student!  What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?

Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,” New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again.  (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)

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Speaking of cliches, she eats someone’s apple off his table.  I think there’s supposed to be some Adam and Eve reference there.

But to me, that’s just plain RUDE!

Erica then leaves school, and rides off into the sunset with Derek.

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Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human.  These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .

After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later.  In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead.  Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!

ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!” 

LYDIA:  “You really think so?  That’s SO sweet!”

It’s a Petercicle!

Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.”  We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  (Hello, Product Placement.)

“Hi boys.  You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.” 

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Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface.  In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way  . . .

We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”

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Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty)  .  . .

and Peter  (not so much) growing out of the ice  . . .

“Hey girlfriend.  Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”

“I guess that’s a no?” 

If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD.  But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .

Speaking of something wolfy . . .

B*tches ARE CRAZY!

In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams.  Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.

*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.” 

 It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison.  And it might have worked too.  After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.

What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper.  Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?

Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.

“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.” 

“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”

I don’t know.  To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward.  Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know.  When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene.  (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place?  No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything!  She’s always working!)

“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!” 

Snow Dogs on Ice!

Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit.  (Why?  Can’t a guy have a sick day?)  Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy.  “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?”  Stiles asks hopefully . . .

Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns.  I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.

Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.

“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”

Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.

Meet the Douche Squad. 

Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull.  And that’s when things really pick up.  I smell a WOLF FIGHT.  Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.

Naptime for wolfy . . .

 (I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)

Source 

 But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.

“Dammit!  Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”

Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human.  But it’s too late.  Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey.  But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica.  He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf.  Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .

Now, that’s faaaaa  . . . ucked up.

In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse.  I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.

Dinner is served! 

 Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy.  Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .

Smart choice.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.

How nice for him.  I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Anatomy of a Trailer: Eclipse – Twilight Saga, Part 3 (Now includes NEW second trailer . . .)

I tried not to blog about this.  Really.  But it simply refused to be ignored.  So, here I am . . .

I can’t believe they are already releasing another one of these movies!  I feel as though I literally just saw the last one in theaters.  New Moon (based on Book 2 of the Twilight series) was, in my opinion, one of the most unintentionally hilarious films of all time.  

The cheesy 360-degree rotating camera shots to represent Bella’s months of “depression;”

the cartoonish CGI Wolfman graphics;

 the obligatory topless shots of those male strippers  Jacob and his wolfpack; and

the way Edward’s disembodied head would appear in the clouds, every time Bella was about to do something “bad.”

“Don’t do it, Bella!”

All of these gems made me, and the rest of the people in my theater, laugh out loud, multiple times, throughout the film.  In short, I enjoyed New Moon, but probably not for the reasons that I was supposed to enjoy it . . .

So, when I heard that Summit Entertainment had released a new trailer for Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight Saga, curiosity (and my odd sense of humor) got the best of me.  I simply had to watch it. 

Well, color me impressed.  It’s a pretty good trailer, actually.  Granted, there wasn’t a lot of action in it.  However, I think the producers did a nice job of establishing in a relatively short amount of time (90 seconds) the immensity and increasing urgency of Bella’s choice, and the impact it will have on the people she loves. 

Let’s take a look . . .

 :13 – Say what you will about the Twilight movies, but the location shots in them are absolutely breathtaking.  The book and movie are both supposed to take place in the fictional town of Forks, Washington.  However, the film was shot mostly in and around Portland, Oregon.  Who knew Oregon was so gorgeous?

 :20 – I never officially came down one way or the other on the Team Edward versus Team Jacob debate.  However, I will say that Edward and Bella have an ideal height differential on their side.  In case you were curious (because I was):  Both Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner are in the mid to upper range of 5 feet, while Robert Pattinson is a lean 6’1”.  So, if Bella ever wants to wear heels, Edward is definitely her guy . . . 

(Then again, in the book, Wolf Jacob is supposed to be about 7 feet tall.  So, who knows?)

 :27 – I’m not quite sold on Dakota Fanning as Jane yet.  Based on my interpretation of the books, the Jane character has “pretty, but creepy looking” child star written all over her (Actors that fall into this category include: Haley Joe Osment in The Sixth Sense, that girl from The Ring movies, and those twin girls in The Shining. )

“Come play with us.”

At 16, Dakota has aged out of “pretty, but creepy looking,” I’m afraid.  She looks like a real teenager now! 

 

Perhaps Movie Jane would be scarier, if she didn’t talk so darn much!  Dakota sounds like she has a bit of a cold, in this scene . . .

:34 – Is it just me, or does Robert Pattinson look a tad constipated, here?

:37 thru :39 – I like that they included Bella’s parents in this trailer.  By choosing to become a vampire, Bella isn’t just giving up a boy, she’s giving up her whole human life.  The books often give this part of her decision short shrift.

:43 – Jacob: “You don’t have to change for me, Bella.”  (A solid argument for Team Jacob.)

1:10 – Here is our first look at Bryce Dallas Howard as the new Vampire Victoria.  As many of you know, Howard replaced the original Victoria, Rachel Lefevre, in the series, as a result of “scheduling conflicts.”   It sounds like a bunch of hooey to me. 

Personally, I think Summit probably wanted to cash in on the movie’s success and bring in a bigger name.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Bryce Dallas Howard.  I think she’s a talented actress.  I’m just not sure she’s right for this role.  She just looks too nice  and sane to play this menacing, woman-on-a-rampage, character.  Her hair even looks tamer than the original Victoria’s!

1:14 – Edward: “I will protect you, no matter what.” 

Feminists beware.  Twilight is not exactly a “girl power” series.  Until the final book, Bella mostly inhabits a damsel-in-distress type role.  Throught the book, the films, and this trailer, there is tons of talk about protecting Bella.  This is fine, I guess.  However,  it would be nice, if  our heroine fought back on her own, every once in a while.

1:19 – Obligatory Taylor Lautner Shirtless shot . . .

(He still looks pretty good, but slightly less buff in this trailer than in the last film.  No?)

1:22 – Jacob:  “I will fight for you, until your heart stops beating.” 

Based on the YouTube comments for this video, the aforementioned line was a big hit with Team Jacob fans.  I’ll admit that in the context of the film, and given Bella’s impending choice, the line is a moderately romantic one. 

However, as a stand alone, it’s more than a little disturbing.  For a second there, I thought I was watching one of those Lifetime movies.  Specifically, the ones where the wife-beater / lunatic guy chases some B-list actress (Tori Spelling?)  around the house with a knife and says, “If I can’t have you,  NO ONE CAN!”

Eclipse hits theaters June 30, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

P.S.  For all you Twilight fans out there, it looks like Summit Entertainment has recently released a new trailer for Eclipse.  Unlike the sort of lovey-dovey first one, this trailer focuses more on the action / horror elements of the upcoming film.  Let me just say, I think it is TEN TIMES better than the first trailer!   Parts of it are downright scary, and the special effects and CGI graphics seem much improved from the first and second installments of the series.   And I’m not exactly a “Twihard” girl, so when I say it, I mean it. 

Rather than make this post any longer than it already is, I’ll simply let the new trailer speak for itself . . .

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Filed under Eclipse, Movie Trailer Recaplets, Twilight Book Series