Tag Archives: wolfsbane

Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

owwwww

Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .

(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)

                In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .

so excited sowk7

. . . having another assassin of the week.

yawning

In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie.  While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .

shhhh

. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .

creep

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .

help me please

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]

Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .

We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .

mountain ash again

mountain ash

Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.

nope drinking tea

“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”

(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member.  I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)

counting the money

Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy?  Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?

deadest

I’m going to guess the virus works . .  .

One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that.  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . .  .because he’s looking ROUGH.

grosser

Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .

Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.

what do we do

Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!

studd mufffin drink coffee do good

(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices?   *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)

Evil Planus Interruptus

Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is.  (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first.  After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)

hiding it

 

not what you think

whatchu up to

“I used to hump trees.  I don’t judge.”

 

Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .

the vet ac

“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”

It is a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy night

Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .

eichen house

Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai .  . .

battle it out

Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .

But who is this Black Hooded Avenger?

fighting stance

Is it another assassin?

big gun

Neo?

matrix1

A teenage mutant ninja turtle?

ninja

Nahhh, it’s just this senior citizen . . .

its mee

. . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.

(You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

Test Anxiety

With Daraches, Kanimas, Death Destroyers of Worlds, Assassins without Mouths, and Evil Japanese spirits on their tail each week, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Scott, Stiles and Co. are just your average mid twenty-somethings, who have been playing high school students for the last five years of their lives (two and a half of which has been spent on their ridiculously long junior year).

ephemeral

Enter the PSAT episode . ..

psat

It’s a rite of passage for many a high school drama . . .

we can survive

Most of those high school dramas, however, don’t start their Very Special PSAT Episodes off with a massive outbreak of a deadly virus . . .

sleepig

sleepdrool

Not a hickey . . .

rash

Definitely not a hickey . . .

another rash

Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease.   (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)

touching

Hello?  At least spring for some Purell?

(BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote?  Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)

The Banana Men Cometh

bannana men

Be honest, if the CDC weren’t obviously the terrifying harbingers of Death and Rare Inexplicable Sudden Onset Illness, you’d think they were pretty funny looking, wouldn’t you?

banana

Yellow Space Suit is the NewBlack Big Bird  . . .

Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.  The idea was not so much that having bodily contact with an outcast would cause your body to be infested with some sort of made-up bug, but rather that it would make you also become an outcast, which, to a ten-year old, was a fate far worse than any sort of real or imagined bug infestation.

cootie

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot.

Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere .  . .

I mean, sure, on some level, I think most kids recognize that the concept of cooties is fake and mean-spirited bullying . . . that you can’t become like someone, just from touching them.  But still most of us believed it enough to scoot over in our seats, when the supposedly infected walked past.

can't sit with us

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And while the common practice of Disease Control to treat all exposed subjects as infected, until proven otherwise (even if that means quarantining them together with the already infected, thus ensuring that their likelihood of actually becoming infected themselves is greatly increased), is definitely the smartest method of preventing the unnecessary  spread of disease, it’s also super shitty for the uninfected quarantined, who undoubtedly are made to feel like nine-year olds wrongly classified by their peers as having “cooties.”

I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .

But then, everyone got sick anyway, so that point was made moot . . .

owwwww

 

Sounds like some serious indigestion . . .

In Which Lydia Martin Talks to Stuff . . .

Poor Lydia, it feels as though she’s spent the entire season talking to inanimate objects and not getting a response . . .

listening

“Hello, Record Player.  You look extra special pretty today.  Is that a new turntable?  Does this ponytail make me look fat?”

mer con

“Poor box.  Do you ever wish you were some other shape?  Something less . . . I don’t know . . . boxy, like an hourglass maybe?”

stuff

“I bought you something, empty bottle of old lady perfume!  Look, it’s dead flowers.  I bet you both smell alike!”

Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.  You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish, disappointment and guilt as she ponders questions with no easy answers.

im sorry wish i

Meredith and Lydia were never exactly the kind of girls you’d imagine being fast friends with one another . . .

meredith

Socially awkward Meredith, with her strange taste, odd affectations, and general inability to relate to the general public, was undoubtedly the target of more than her share of “Cootie Rumors” in high school . . .

. . . and they were probably made by girls who looked and acted a lot like Lydia.

lydia smirk

That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another.  And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

creepy

Count on Meredith to cherish a sepia-toned picture of herself taken in the most dull and nondescript location possible .  . .

The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.  Could Meredith have been the secret lovechild of Papa Martin?   I suspect we will learn the answer in the next week or two . . .

Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith.  (And by Magical Powers I mean “talent for fashion and haircare.”)  It might not have saved her life, but girlfriend’s corpse would look totally fierce . . .

awesome lyd pic

Divide and Conquer

When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection, it immediately becomes clear that their symptoms are not the same as the rashes, uncontrollable sweating, dizziness, fever and fainting experienced by the human population.

Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

cant change back

. . . or this . . .

bleeding from fingers

not retract

. . . and most definitely not this . . .

shocking

. . . which, of course, is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.  He simply releases the virus into the air where he assumes supernatural creatures will be, and, before he knows it, they are literally “dying” to reveal themselves  .  . .

This is why Scott and Co. need to go into hiding, like, yesterday . . .

how to get in

. . .not to mention the fact that allowing the werewolves, foxes and coyotes to mingle with the human population in their current state, seems like the most obvious way to expose their identities, not just to assassins, but to the rest of the natural world . . . something they are not quite ready to do.

Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school!  For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device  . . .

sucka

Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault has officially become the new Mountain Ash . . .

But who will open it to let them in?

not telling

I know  . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

opens the door

“Can you open the vault?”  Scott asks sweetly.  “You are the only one here with .  . . um, really long nails . . .” he offers, more or less.

Malia looks dubious, and a bit mistrustful, having determined by now, that, yes, her new friends (and boyfriend) are definitely hiding something from her . . .

malia nails

. . . but she says nothing and complies.

Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

going to die

Smart guy!

You’re Coming Back, Right?

While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

moony

hears

That didn’t take long!”

Deaton finally discovers the source of the virus that is wreaking havoc on the wolf population of Beacon Hills.  Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper .  . .

sad dog

Thank you, Teen Wolf, for teaching me about a new dog disease!

Back at school, Stiles volunteers to leave the vault, and let the massive hordes camped outside the school know that Scott, Lydia, and Malia are OK . . . you know . . . apart from dying a painful death and stuff.

leave mal

Malia makes Stiles promise to come back for her and he does.

All together now . . . awwwwww .  . .

the gift of tp

Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

talk about tea

 

“And it’s filled with vitamins, and antioxidants, and keeps me looking way younger than my 1,000 years of age.”

Hello, Derek!   People are dying here.  Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!

But wait!  Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked.  (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

lightbulb-idea

But how do we get the tea to Scott and co., before they all die, and this show has to change its name from Teen Wolf to Teen Nothing . . .?

dancing stiles moon

Also known as The Stiles Show . . .

Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault!  And why wouldn’t it be?  Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything!  From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

mischeivous stiles

You know what else I bet is in the vault?

mountain ash

Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Visual Confirmation Required

Stiles figures out that Coach caught the virus by “borrowing” the stamp pad used to fingerprint the PSAT test takers, after his red one ran out of ink.

approved

“I was wondering how that idiot got sick?”   The Chemist muses, having gone into full-on villain mode, now that we have less than ten minutes left in the episode, and it’s become clear he’s not going to be invited back for an encore . . .

im evil

Like this guy . . .

waiting

Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.

gun with silencer

 

this sucks shot

“This day could have gone better.  Not going to lie . . .”

Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.  And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.

cryin

“At least now if I croak, I finally won’t have to worry about dying a virgin.”

The Chemist puts a gun to Stiles head and BLAM, Stiles’ face is covered in blood . . .

confused and crying

“Death is wetter and saltier than I imagined.”

. . . but not his own.

plip

“Such a clean death . . .  Must be from all the tea I’ve been drinking . . . *winks before dropping dead, as the Lipton logo appears over his face*”

banana savior

All hail the Banana Man!  This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .

Unmask yourself, Banana Man!

here i am me

 

“It’s MEEEEEE!  YAY!”

Wow!  Was not expecting that . . .

No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood, for what just happened to him (and . . . you know . . . the whole Japanese possession thing), Papa McCall has a message for Stiles from Deaton and Co. . . “Get the mushroom tea.  Save the Werewolves!  Save the World!”

think like stiles

Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time!   (Go figure!)

Fortunately for the Scooby Gang, only blindness (not deafness) is a symptom of canine distemper. And so Scott manages to “smell” the tea, knock it down and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time.  Everyone is saved . . .

gross tea again

Maybe  . . .

More Money, More Problems . . .

Back at the hospital Satomi faces off against another assassin.  This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .

killing matrix dance grr got that was weird

Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..

malia hale

scared peter - Copy

The good news is that Scott and Stiles no longer have to lie to her.  The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

walk out

Ouch . . . that’s cold.

Next week on Teen Wolf, Scott practices a skill most canines know well .  . . playing dead . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

teenwolfmtvstyles

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Death Becomes Them – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Orphaned”

a lot like death

This was a pretty bloody one, Werebangers! It appears that no one was safe from the Grim Reaper’s mighty scythe this week on Teen Wolf ...

Not these rejected extras from the cast of Sons of Anarchy . . .

corp

Or this unfortunate pack of nomadic hippy Buddhist werewolves (who inexplicably cobbled enough money to send one of their own to Prep SCHOOL?) . . .

deader

I guess selling alcohol to minors is a more lucrative undertaking than we thought . . .

hate my job

Too soon?

Not Beacon Hill’s increasingly sparse population of cops (which may be a bit of a secret relief to Sheriff Stilinski, seeing as the entire station house looks roughly the size of a bathroom) . . .

dead guy on floor

Or loveable, possibly autistic, banshees with really cool hair . . .

strang

And certainly not Evil!Macauley Culkin . . .

slice

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

. . . and his EVIL-I-ER girlfriend . . .

deda aga

But all was not Doom and Gloom in this week’s episode entitled “Orphaned” . . .

There were golden farts . . . (which, BTW, are way funnier than clear farts)

gold fart

And happy reunions . . .

face off

And there was hugging . . .

stydia

. . . lots . . .

hug 1

 

. . . and lots . . .

hug pet

. . . of hugging . . .

another hug

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty shout out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here. Capturing all 31 Flavors of Scott McCall’s Confused Facial Expressions is by no means an easy job! But someone has to do it.]

trademark scott face

scott bullet

scott wolfed

ephemeral

There’s Just Something About a Mixtape . . .

More impressive than anything else that happened in this episode, to me, anyway, was the fact that someone on Teen Wolf’s production crew was able to find (1) a store that still sells cassette tapes; and even more shocking, (2) a car with a built in tape deck.

tape deck

Screw the Deadpool! That jalopy Kate was sleeping in was clearly a classic. She could have raked in some serious G’s selling that thing!

And while Kate at least seems old enough that she would know what to do with the strange clear plastic rectangle placed before her while she slept . . .

ep 8 hungry kate

Not born yesterday . . .

I’m thinking the highly specific instructions on the tape . . .

instructions

. . . came in very handy for Evil!Macauley and Co., who probably assumed they had inadvertently stumbled upon the protype for the iPhone 6.

gives me joy

Psst! Jeff Davis, your age is showing . . .

And while I like to consider myself more a descendant of the MP3 Generation (OK . . . so, maybe I’m more of a Compact Disc Child, but there’s no need to point fingers.), I must admit there’s something a bit more personal about a lovingly compiled mixtape, than the “cool playlist” you uploaded to all your Facebook Friends on the cloud last week, in less than three minutes. For one thing, mixtapes make it that much more difficult to ignore your friends’ and significant others’ more idiosyncratic music tastes . . .

gave her a mix tape

“If I have to fast forward through another Justin Bieber song, I’m going to scream!”

crying jess

But I digress . . . a lot . . .

This week’s Teen Wolf episode opens to a flashback to 25 years earlier, when people still used cassette tapes four weeks earlier, when Hobo Kate woke up in a run-down sports car on a rainy night to find a new tape in her heretofore completely ignored tape deck . . .

Undoubtedly eager to hear some new Werejaguar Workout tunes, Kate quickly slips the tape into the cassette deck and presses “play.”

seth wanna play theocalltheway

So, of course, you could imagine how pissed off she is to find that the substance of the tape is much less “Jock Jams” and much more “National Geographic: Werewolf Edition,” complete with the trademark sleepy voice of some guy straight out of central voiceover casting for The Discovery Channel . . .

bad mix tape

Kate’s out for REVENGE!

So, she text messages all her cuddly bear friends . . .

carebear stareee mama bear bear in supermarket

And the group head out on an Assassin Murder Spree . . .

“Who made me this crappy mixtape, that doesn’t include a single song by Katy Perry?” She demands furiously! (Come on, we all know Kate’s a big fan of “Roar.”)

roaring

The Biker dudes are clueless, offering up only the fairly unhelpful informational tidbit that Evil!Macauley received the same mixtape, and was equally annoyed because it included no songs by One Direction.

tok

So Kate and the Bad News Bears eviscerate their asses. (But in Papa Bear’s defense, he at least looks like he feels kind of guilty about it . . .)

hang in there

blood on face

“Poor guy! He had great style. Remind me to ask Mason what gets blood stains out of leather?”

Little Orphan Violet

You ever see the straight-to-video sequel to Annie, where Annie’s slightly less nauseatingly adorable bunkmate Violet gets told by Miss Hannigan to “make these floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building” one too many times, and decapitates her drunk ass with a thermal cut wire, before escaping the orphanage to seek vengeance on evil adults everywhere?

annie

No?

Your loss. That was a damn good movie!

Back at school, Violet gets an evil glint in her eye, when she finds herself getting strong-armed by Deputy Parrish, a.k.a. Jordan Parrish, and it’s not just because he looked so good naked in the promos . . .

arrested

phoenix

He’s on the Deadpool! And worth a cool $5 million.

parrish

Papa McCall takes this opportunity to taunt Violet about her parent-less-ness, as he offers a paternal wink back at his son Scott, perhaps, reminding him that having a “sh*tty, alcoholic, absentee dad,” is way better than having no dad at all . . . kind of . . .

ep 8 mean scott

Meanwhile, over at the Vet . . .

Is it Rabies?   Because it kind of looks like Rabies . . .

cant hold him

Douchebag Brett is naked on Deaton’s operating table.   (Hey Deaton, how are you getting all the hot males to disrobe for you?)   He’s frothing at the mouth, and seizing something fierce. Stiles and Derek are trying to hold him down, but failing miserably, because Kate has kidnapped Derek’s Were Balls, and Stiles is . . . well . . . Stiles.

der funny face ha

out of shape stiles

It just occurred to me that these two haven’t had the opportunity to share much screentime of late, so it’s kind of nice to see them grunting and sweating on each other, for old time’s sake . . .

big sterek 2

Then, Peter comes and clocks Douchebag Brett in the face, like it’s his job . . .

evil peter pan

Derek seems suspicious. Then again, maybe he’s just jealous of Peter’s hypnotic baby blues . . .

wolfing again

“You have beautiful eyes. I used to have beautiful eyes, before I had slightly less beautiful red eyes . . . and then I had beautiful blue eyes again (Sniffle).”

torn up derek 2

Deaton then takes the opportunity to cut into Douchebag Brett’s tummy and emit a noxious gas.

gold fart

Too much Taco Bell?

“Three things that don’t wish to be hidden, the Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” Douchebag Brett chants . . .

Hey, Werebangers, that sounds like the annoying catch phrase of the about-to-be-killed? Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Deaton remarks that the phrase is actually Buddhist, which causes Derek to make the connection between these targeted werewolves, and the only over 18 Asian woman he knows, aside from Kira’s mom . . .

sato

Derek, that’s a little racist. I’m not going to lie . ..

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Back at school, Scott finds Evil!Macauley’s Deadpool stash conveniently hidden in his gym locker. (Dude was a professional assassin, but didn’t think to invest in a safe deposit box for his millions of dollars in Benefactor dough? What a schmuck!)

money bag

dollar signs

Scott then stealthily lies to Liam about finding the money. Though, I’m not sure how he managed to explain to the Beta wolf why, if he “found nothing,” in the killers locker, he still decided to leave the lockers with his massive red gym bag in tow.

no idea what im doing

“I find smelly gym socks a major turn on. It’s a True Alpha thing.”

Also, not to be nitpicky, but with a serial killer on the run, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary police officer think to immediately commandeer all of the contents of said killer’s locker as evidence?

sheriff do not remove

Just saying . . .

Back at the McCall House, Mama McCall is pleading with the electric company to turn her power back on. Apparently, she’s three months late on her bills, despite the fact that she’s pretty much the only employee still alive at the Beacon Hills Hospital. Now, if those aren’t grounds for a major raise, I don’t know what is!

fridge

Not to mention the fact that Scott’s dad, the Big Fancy FBI Guy, has been crashing on the couch for months, basically rent free. Hello? Child support!

5 20 pay back time

All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Scott’s kind of poor, but probably shouldn’t be . . .

Either way, that Deadpool money currently sitting under his bed (and right under Big Fancy FBI Guy’s nose) is looking mighty appetizing to him, right about now . . .

under bed

Friends with (Death) Benefits . . .

The whole dynamic Liam shares with his froshie pals is honestly a bit confusing. We are led to believe that Mason is his adorable gay best friend for life, despite the fact that the two kids apparently didn’t attend the same school until just a few months prior. Maybe . . .

confused liam

(Help me out, Lacrosse Fans. Is this generally a fall sport, or a spring one?   Because we know the season just started.)

Granted, Mason and Liam could have been childhood neighbors, who were lifelong friends, despite NOT going to the same school. But that doesn’t explain the pair’s being supposedly so tight with Garrett and Violet. Two “kids” who seemingly transferred to Beacon Hills High for the sole purpose of crashing Liam’s and Mason’s lame weekly “Movie Nights.”

the new class

“Hey, who is up for watching Teen Wolf 2? I hear the guy from Arrested Development was awesome in it?”

No matter. After the events of this week’s episode, it is pretty safe to say, after the events of this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, the bromance between Mason, Liam and Garrett is DUNZO!

bust

unfriend you

runn blood on groun

“Wait, let me get some salt. It will wash the blood stains right out of this concrete!”

Nothing says, “you are no longer part of my social circle,” like throwing your former pal into a really, really deep water-logged Hole of Schmutz, not unlike the place where James Franco chopped off his arm in 127 Hours . . .

in mud help

can't sit with us

“You can’t sit with us.”

Follow my nose . . .

follow your nose

By the way, did you know that Froot Loops are all the same flavor. As someone who has eaten froot loops, just about every day, since she got her first baby teeth, and literally just learned this five minutes ago, I feel your pain, if your mind has just been blown . . .”

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, Malia fully cements herself as part of the pack, by proudly becoming the last cast member to be inappropriately stalked by Derek on school grounds . . .

your trn

yumm

Since, Derek’s schnoz has been a bit on the fritz lately, and Malia is an old pro when it comes to smelling poo in coyote caves, and fear in lacrosse stands, everyone’s favorite Former Alpha recruits the sassy werecoyote for a little school day game of “Find the Buddhist Were Pack and warn them of impending death.”

Malia is more than happy to go along for the ride, since her boyfriend Stiles spends every even episode with Lydia, and this is one of them.

malia nails

Finding a bullet in the grass leads Malia to determine that Brett’s pack of Buddhist wolves has gone into hiding. (I hope they brought Froot Loops!)

Thinking like her boyfriend . . .

think like stiles

. . . leads Malia to determine that the pack is hiding in place infused with Buddhist meaning . . .the easternmost point in Beacon Hills.

east point

(Congratulations Malia, your nose has officially just become more useful to the Scooby Gang than Lydia’s annoying screaming . . .)

lyd screams

Too bad you and Derek are already too late.

deadest

In your defense, attractive Were-cousins. A pack that thinks lying out in an open field is an effective hiding strategy kind of deserve to bite it . . .

I’m guess Evil!Macauley and Violet poisoned their food supply with the yellow fart wolfsbane?

macaulay_culkin

That sucks. What’s worse, I bet all this could have totally been avoided, if they just ate Froot Loops, like I said in the first place. . .

Amidst the wreckage, Derek finds one lone survivor. Braden the Mercenary . . .

located her

“Well, I’m not technically a werewolf, so wolfsbane doesn’t work on me. Also, I can’t die yet, because you and I haven’t boned, Der Bear. Didn’t you watch the Comic Con trailers?”

“I like you. I’m going to keep you.”

like you

going to keep

Deputy Parrish (Please don’t end up being evil, Deputy Parrish. Because, the way Meredith looked at you, in this week’s scene, it kind of seemed like you might by the Benefactor, i.e. Evil. And I really don’t want you to be evil. You are so pretty!) gains major points with our Scoobies, by (1) having a little self-deprecating sense of humor about his impending demise . . .

5 dollars kill self large

. . . and not being above using a bit of bribery to get Stiles and Lydia into Eichen House, where they will once again seek Meredith’s help in determining which of Lydia’s dead friends was lucky enough to be the code to crack the final third of the Deadpool list.

I think Stiles has even developed a little man crush on the guy . . .

hi stiles

Meredith, however, is slightly less charmed, and understandably so. After all, what good has helping the Scooby Gang got her so far, apart from being targeted by the Benefactor, and berated by the Ginger.

leave me alone

go away

She never even got to bone Isaac, for crying out loud!

isaac scarf

 

I wouldn’t help them if I was you, either Meredith . . .

That said, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as this banshee in making my refusal known. “No means no,” for sure.

strang

But self strangulation, means, “Definitely not.”

(Assuming Meredith actually did strangle herself. Does anyone else smell the possibility of foul play? Follow your nose . . .)

she did

stydia

We’ll miss you, Meredith.   Here’s hoping a smirking Daniel Sharman clone is waiting for you in that big Banshee-Friendly Eichen House in the Sky . . .

meredith

It’s an Evil!Macaulay Kabob (Tastes like Chicken!)

Elsewhere on campus, Evil!Macaulay is engaging Scott in some good old-fashioned blackmail.   “Stop my boo from getting transferred to Alcatraz, and I won’t let your Mini-Me get poisoned to death,” he offers helpfully.

hoodie man

As the two sort-of enemies head out on their dastardly stakeout, we know Scott means business, because he’s wearing a hoodie . . .

I don’t think I’ve seen Scott wear a hoodie in the entire four seasons of this series. I like it . . .

2 9 you hot big

But by the time Scott and Evil!Macauleyreach the car transporting Violet, which is conveniently being chaperoned by Deputy Stilinski and Papa McCall, natch . . ., the Berserkers have already done Scott’s job for him . . .

sleeping

I’d say this car has been successfully stopped. Wouldn’t you?

“Violet’s already gone,” Scott warns.

But Douchey Evil!Macauley isn’t smart enough to take no for an answer, he starts showing off his mad fencing skills to the Berserkers, who, for the record, seem less than impressed. (Of course, that may be because their helmets make it difficult to enjoy all the fancy swordplay to its fullest.)

slice

R.I.P. Garrett, best of luck in Home Alone 7 . . .

Violet, you’re turning Violet!

Upon learning that Kate is responsible for kidnapping Violet, and Violet is the only person left alive (haha), who knows where Liam has been stored, Deaton and Scott call upon Chris Argent, who brings the pair to a place conveniently called “Argent Arms.” Talk about a sh*tty hiding place for someone named “Argent!”

argent arms

Apparently, no one in Beacon Hills ever played the game hide and seek as a child.

“I thought we could do this later,” Kate muses, upon being confronted.

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

That doesn’t mean her and her Bears aren’t up for a fight. And while the Grizzlies don’t quite kill Scott and Chris (because Kate won’t let them) . . .

. . . they do toss them around quite a bit. And Scott gets tossed right into Violet . . .

deda aga

“At least now you can be reunited with your parents . . . and your boyfriend . . . and your boyfriend’s parents. And three-quarters of the cast of this episode. Hey, I wonder if they have Movie Night in Hell.”

Somewhere in Beacon Hills, Mason is coming up with some really great tips to get Berserker Murder Stains out of denim jackets . . .

Coming Soon to a Coffin Near You . . .

Upon determining that the third key to the Deadpool might not be someone who is already dead, but rather someone who will die before the show’s hiatus, Stiles and Lydia quickly uncover the list using Derek’s name, a good guess, seeing as the character has “fake died,” at least twice every season.

derek

A few interesting things to note about the third list. First, it includes Liam, despite the fact that the Teenier Wolf was only bitten a few weeks ago at most, after all this killing started. (You recall, he was bitten when Scott was trying to save him from Wendigo Sean, after the latter was tracked down by The Mute.)

malia hale

confused liam

This means that either the third list was created sometime after the first two, OR that the Benefactor has some Banshee-like powers of omniscience.

Second, the list refers to Malia as a “Hale,” as opposed to “Tate,” the name of her surrogate dad on the show. Malia’s true parentage is particularly rare known fact on this show, one that, at least we are led to believe is still a mystery to Malia herself, her clueless biological father, Peter, and, pretty much, everyone in Beacon Hills apart from The Scooby Gang.

smirky peter

Given that, it seems strange that The Benefactor would be so willing to give that information out to every assassin of supernaturals, within a 20 mile radius . . .

Speaking of Peter, I don’t recall seeing him on the list (did I miss him?), which would seem to make him a prime suspect as The Benefactor, one who could have easily coordinated the “heist” of his own money, and used it to eliminate the supernatural competition, rendering him Alpha Supreme in Beacon Hills.

lit your fire

Of course, a smart Benefactor, who also happened to be of supernatural origin would put himself on the list to avoid such suspicion . . .

Someone like this guy?

handsome thank you

Then again, perhaps, the true Benefactor is someone a bit more surprising . . . someone who has flown a bit more under the radar recently . . . a person whose smart enough to frame a fellow former Teen Wolf villain as his (or her) pawn . . .

gerard scott

mom bat

ep 10 shirtless danny

Just a thought . . .

Here’s Howling at You, Kid!

Right about the time all hope seems lost for Sexy But Illegal Liam, he gives out a howl, leading Scott to uncover his location, and bring him back to Deaton’s for the “golden fart” treatment, just in time . . .

howl

resc

It is at the vet’s office that Scott has his annual epiphany. “No one else should die on this show . . . not even the extras,” Scott announces determinedly.

great power

Yeah, good luck with that . . .

Elsewhere, in a dank, dirty sewer, two rats make a deal with one another. One seeks control and acceptance back into her family fold, despite the monster she has become . . .

take a shower found me pete and kate

The other seeks . . . wait for it . . . POWER.

always been the alpha

Next week on Teen Wolf, everyone gets the Ebola virus and dies.

surprised-face

Nah, I’m just monkeying around.

Get it, monkeying . . . Ebola virus?

eye roll jackson

Too soon?

nodding oh yeah

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Target Practice – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “I.E.D”

i e d

walking time bomb

Fortune may, in fact, favor the bold, Werebangers.  But only the Bold and the Beautiful.  Not the Bold and the Moronic . . .

surrounded by idiots

Whether you’re an athlete, a writer, a sexual Adonis, or a trained assassin,  dreaming big is admirable.  But starting small will give you much greater odds at achieving success in the long run.

ep 5 running derek

It’s a shirtless marathon, not a shirtless sprint.

Preserve your resources.  Set manageable goals.  Practice.  No sense blowing your load, only to find yourself totally unprepared, just when the stakes are at their highest . . .

going to die

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, our scrappy Scooby Gang each, in their  own way, grappled with  this very important life lesson . . .

Both Kira and Papa Argent learned that flying solo, and not being a team player, can have dire consequences .  . .

fall

Lydia learned that small numbers can lead to large discoveries.

samsung phone

Scott and Liam learned that impulsivity and jumping to conclusions, often leads to bad decision making.

bad scott

And Little Baddies, Garrett and Violet, learned that greedy egomaniacs make for super sh*tty assassins.  Don’t walk before you can run.   And don’t try to kill an Alpha, when a Beta is worth almost as much cash . . .

finish-him-o

Let’s recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big howling shout out to Andre, whose supernaturally brilliant screencapping abilities would undoubtedly garner him a dangerously high rank on the Beacon Hills Deadpool, if the Benefactor was aware of his existence (or enjoyed reading completely obscure Teen Wolf recaps in his or her spare time).]

And . . . another one bites the dust . . .

Poor, sweet, blonde Carrie Hudson.

blonde and soon to be dead

We barely knew yee . . . or yee hand.

stumphand_applause

 Too soon?

For what it’s worth, C-Dog, it was your haircolor that doomed you to death.  Blondes have historically fared ridiculously poorly on this show . . . where it seems that fortune, in fact, favors the brunette . . . and, in some cases, the ginger . . .

dead erica

dead heather

(My personal theory on this, is that Jeff Davis once had a blonde boyfriend, who did him particularly dirty.)

gives me joy

Also, Carrie, not to be rude to the deceased, but at 23, you are most certainly old enough to know not to take car rides, from guys who look like the Mild Mannered Serial Killer / Rapist from pretty much every episode of Law and Order:SVU I have ever seen . . .

creep

swack

big mis

big mistake huge

“The Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” repeat both Carrie the Blonde and DeMarco the Creepy Beer Distributor, just moments before their respective untimely demises?

glowy

More like The Headless, the Handless, and the “just enough cliched pre-death lines to earn you a SAG card   . . .”

Storyboard Time!

the board

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and guess that Stiles’ “red taped” unsolved mystery crime board looks nearly identical to the storyboard currently housed in the writers room at Teen Wolf headquarters.  That said, as far as methods of revealing painstakingly complex plot synopses in a somewhat natural manner go, this one was pretty solid.   As Stiles basically recapped the first few episodes of Season 4 of Teen Wolf to his dad, us fans learned a few new tidbits about the series’ mythology that hadn’t yet been explicitly revealed in the context of the story proper.  For one thing, the code name “Allison,” that Lydia discovered at the end of last week’s episode, only cracked a third of the Deadpool Code.  This would explain why known supernaturals, like Peter Hale, Malia, and Kira’s mom, weren’t on the first list.

big prob

We also learned the reason why Derek’s and Scott’s numeric “value” seemed so much lower than, say, the random wendigo family killed in the first episode.  Basically, the reason is that, unlike the apparently lame wendigos, whose deaths were only worth $250K a piece (chump change), Derek’s and Scott’s decapitated, pretty, but not particularly bright, brains are worth . . . wait for it . . . millions of dollars . . .

dr-evil

Any chance the actual benefactor is Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers series?

Also worth millions dead, and much less alive?  Kira, Lydia, and pretty much anyone else with top billing on this show.  (I wonder if the cast members have tried using their deadpool $ amounts to negotiate their salaries for next season.  Just a thought . .  .)

borrow money

Apparently, all these seemingly random monetary sums are meant to add up to $117 million, which is precisely the amount “stolen” (Though I’m still not entirely convinced that Peter Hale didn’t orchestrate the entire thing.), from the Hale vault at the end of Episode 2 . . .

always been the alpha

Given all that, the task of our Scooby Gang and the Beacon Hills PD should be pretty easy, right?  Decode the rest of the Deadpool, save the lives of a few supernaturals, and/or use them as bait to capture and eventually bring down The Benefactor, thus foiling his (or her) master plan to rid California of hot sexy shirtless folks with bad teeth and really unnatural looking colored contacts . . .

derek alpha

Correction,  it would be easy, if Banshee Lydia spent more time using her supposedly “genius” IQ to crack the codes, and less time doodling and getting hypnotized by record players (which, for what its worth, folks her age shouldn’t even know how to work, seeing as I’m pretty sure that nobody in the world has played a record since sometime in the mid 80’s.)

because i got high

“I was gonna crack the code, but I got high . . . I was going to save all my friends from death, but I got high.  Now, I’m the only castmate left on the show, and I know why, yeah, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high . . .”

My, what a big stick you have!

mad and broody

soulful

“Wise I am, totally platonic, our relationship is . . .”

Promptly stepping into Danny’s shoes as the oddly perceptive (not to mention good at getting unsightly stains out of carpets) “token gay friend,” new guy  Mason casually remarks on how odd it is that Creepy Garrett seems to be lying about where he lives, and Creepy (but hot) Liam is likely on drugs, based on his more-hyperactive-than-usual tendencies,  sudden inexplicable bursts of energy, and Hulk-like strength.  He also brings Liam some Bad News.  It turns out the Beacon Hills lacrosse team is scheduled to scrimmage none-other-than Liam’s old snotty, rich kid, prep school .  . . you know, the one he got kicked out of for vandalizing his coach’s car.

bastard rr

To say Liam is unhappy with this turn of events is the understatement of the century . . .

 . . . and . . . to make matters worse, he heads off to the locker room to blow off some steam, only to find this hot older guy malevolently fondling his stick!

breaking

breaky breaky

“Grrrr!  Get your grubby paws off my big stick.”

Silly Liam!  It was just a tease!  Worry not, because Daddy  Scott has your stick (and your balls) safe and sound in his possession! And they can never be broken, or stroked without your consent!  At least, not on his watch!

here you go

Derek watches this exchange between Wolf Daddy and Wolf Baby and finds it positively adorable!  In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen Derek this happy, since the first time he learned how to use a cigarette lighter . . .

good at this

crazy derek

Elsewhere in school, Kira’s dad also engages in a fatherly display of advice to his daughter.  “I don’t care if someone is paying professional assassins millions of dollars to murder you, playing high school lacrosse is much more DANGEROUS,” he warns.

whats this ish

Orange is the new black, and red is new dead!”

And they say fathers no longer know best . . .

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (It’s not just the punchline to your bathroom jokes anymore . . .)

I’m not going to lie, when Liam admitted to Scott and Stiles that he suffered from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, following a rather tense run-in with his old prep school rival, and an impromptu trip fully clothed into the showers, I thought Stiles was going to hand him a bottle of Immodium or some Gas-X, and call it a day.

firm hand

“Please don’t mind my young friend, Liam.  He may seem angry and unstable, but actually he just suffers from explosive diarrhea.”

But apparently, IED a real DSM-diagnosed disease endured by people with SERIOUS anger management issues.  The kind of people who completely destroy their coach’s car, just because he benched them from a few high school lacrosse games .  . .

anger mang

Geez, and we thought Derek had a knack for picking mentally unstable Betas to join his pack . . .

wolf pack turne

wolf-packphotos

Just kidding!

Liam calmly confesses that the reason he doesn’t take his anti-psychotic meds is that they make him sluggish, and unable to perform well at sporting events . . . It’s actually a common complaint of bipolar patients and sufferers of various forms of schizophrenia.   Manic episodes, for all their inherent danger, are actually oddly pleasurable to mania sufferers.  They make them feel alive, strong, even invincible . . . almost like . . . you know . . . werewolves . . .

scott dog dish

To make matters worse, our Scooby Gang has just learned that (1) Surprise! Blonde Carrie’s killer was a lacrosse player, who cleverly hid his murder weapon inside a lacrosse stick (I guess to prevent fingerprints, or just because he had to one up his girlfriend, whose murder weapons double as fashion accessories, and who has access to rare strains of wolfsbane.), and (2) that killer may or may not be Liam’s “good pal” Garrett.

knife wound

lightbulb

Elsewhere on school grounds, Derek and Chris discuss the inevitable “intermittent explosion” that is were-jaguar Kate, how awkward it will be for Chris to have to basically put-down his own sister, and how inconvenient it is for Derek that Kate has apparently, not only stolen his balls, but also his trusty werewolf powers.

ep 11 the lick

werewolf jail

 This is going to end badly . . .

It’s game time, Lacrosse Fans!  Lets whack around some balls, settle some old scores, and stab some folks with wolfsbane-laced lacrosse sticks . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Wait, what?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kira would gladly enter the fray to help her boy toy Scott, but she just got benched for being a ball hog.  Typical fox!  Always biting off more than she can chew (hint, hint, wink wink) . . .

yip

fall

In the center of the field, tensions are high when Liam majorly clashes with his prep school arch rival, and is badly injured, leading Papa Scott to believe that Sneaky Garrett snuck in and wolf-stabbed his ass.

owy

But nope, just a garden-variety wrist break . . . Scott will fix that right up . . .

ephemeral

Pop!  All better!

Preppy Douchebag, however, is much less lucky . . . because HE’S ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF, AND GARRETT’S TARGET THE WHOLE TIME!

we hot dou

surprised-face

(Phew, that was close!  I thought Good Ole Garrett was actually going to murder someone I sort of / kind of cared about!)

But Preppy Douchebag’s not dead yet.  Instead, the Surprise Beta is sleeping off his wolf poison in the locker room, when guess who comes by to make a bigger mess of things.

wih

Hey Evil Necklace Chick!  It’s time for a Little Decapitation Vacation.  (Here’s hoping she washes that thing in between murders.  Because, EWWW!)

Then, in comes Scott to save the day, causing Evil Violet’s eyes to become blinded by dollar signs.  She turns her nasty blood gunked necklace on the True Alpha, only to have him casually rip it from his neck, which, by the way, is a ten times cooler True Alpha trick than that bubble popping thing he did a couple seasons back.

a little tight

not wearing it

“Listen, for the last time, I’m not wearing your ugly ass necklace, no matter how many times you ask.  I already have a girlfriend!”

nice try bit

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

Preppy Douchebag and Scott are both safe!

hot girl

Evil Violet is down for the count . . .

dance

 . . .  but, unfortunately not dead . . . you know . .. because there are still a few more episodes left in the season, and it’s too early to eradicate her ass . . . I guess.

Meanwhile, over at the Sheriff’s Station . . .

Just Hurry Up and Banshee Already!

Poor Lydia, she’s a popular girl, wealthy, a straight A student.  This is someone used to getting what she wants, be it good grades, great clothes, flawless hair, jocks with big muscles.  She’s not used to failure.  And her new banshee powers seem to be setting her up for nothing but . . .

lydia brave tatikatelena

Vampires, were-whatevers, witches, warlocks, wizards .  . . their supernatural powers are designed to make them winners.  Their resumes include talents like superhuman strength, perpetual youth, light speed, mind control, magic .  . .

stiles with wolf hat

Lydia’s powers make her a screamer, really morbid, and mildly schizophrenic.  They make her an outcast . . . and the fact that she hasn’t yet mastered them, when her friends need her abilities most, just makes this whole thing more of a drag on everyone’s favorite red-head.

lyd screams

And so, it’s time to call for some reinforcements . . .

meredith

Because Meredith is much less grounded in what most of us would call the Natural World (in fact, she gives me the impression of being somewhere on the higher end of the autism spectrum), she’s quite a bit more open and attuned to what appears to be the Banshee Friends and Family Cell Phone Network, which Lydia, unwittingly used to “call” Meredith in her evident distress.  Of course, the Banshee Network doesn’t involve actual phones, a concept “smart” Lydia fails to grasp, when she proceeds to shove an iPhone in poor Meredith’s face and scream at her to “call someone.”

interrog

And because Meredith is not particularly verbal and can’t necessarily explain herself in a way that most non-banshees would understand, she simply does what she’s told, offering up the number to correspond to the answer she sees in her head to the question Lydia is incessantly asking.

2-4-3-3-6

It’s a testament to how brain-fried and frustrated this whole failed-Banshee thing is making Lydia, that the girl who speaks ten languages, and can usually crack codes and translate ancient texts like its nobody’s business (We saw her decode something similar with Stiles using a periodic table to spell out Kira’s name, early on, last season), can’t look past the surface of what Meredith is saying to its hidden meaning.

so mean

Perhaps, that’s also the reason that Malia, who, by everyone’s estimation is much less educated and not nearly as book smart as Lydia, deciphers Meredith’s numerical list almost instantly.  After all, for Malia, a girl who spent half her life as a literal animal, nothing is as it seems.  Everything is code.  Everything has hidden layers, rules, and meanings that she can’t even begin to decipher, despite the fact that her friends seem to understand them almost inherently.

malia nails

“What if its like algebra?”  She posits calmly.  “What if the numbers stand for letters?”

2-4-3-3-6

Aiden

Another code name . . . another dead friend of poor Lydia’s . . . another crack at another third of the list .. . .

what he said

I think someone owes Ms. Meredith an apology, don’t you, Lydia?

sad lyd

Of course, the big reveal here was what most of us suspected, ever since the hot Deputy blustered onto the scene, making strange speeches about how  he was drawn to Beacon Hills, how young he looks for his age (not really . . . looks his age to me, except for the fact that all the teenagers in his town look 7 to 10 years older than they are supposed to be), dismantling bombs like its no one’s business, and speaking about tomahawks, intuitionists, and other things that are seemingly before his 24-year time on Earth.

polite guy

sees jordan

That’s right, Werebangers.  Deputy Parrish is a supernatural.  The question is, what kind?

confused liam

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s a Phoenix.  One who rises from the ashes, each time he dies, always looking exactly the same as he did at his first death.  It would explain his old timey vocabulary, his almost eerily calm manner, and his seeming attachment to death (like Lydia) and fearlessness when it comes to coming in contact with explosives.

bomb squad pic

you look really

handsome thank you

What say you, Teen Wolf Fans?

phoenix

sexy teacher 2

“We Hunt Those Who Hunt Us.”

Not too long ago, Allison posited a new maxim for her much-diminished werewolf hunting family of two.  “We fight for those, who can’t fight for themselves,” she offered.

allison tear heir of slytherin

Papa Chris seemed to like it.  But Allison’s gone, and her maxim did little to keep her alive long enough to see much past her 18th birthday.

conflicted c

And now Chris, truly alone in this world, must answer to the Calavares’ and their old school hunter ways.  Embracing the old hunter maxim would force Chris to betray the same folks who have become his allies in recent days, his surrogate family: Scott, Derek, Lydia, even Stiles, all of whom are now in the position to hunt hunters, must hunt them, in fact, to keep themselves alive.

come to the dark side

“Come to the darkside.  We have pizza . . . and burritos!”

So, which maxim will he follow?

Only time will tell . . . time, and this admittedly awesome trailer for the second half of this season .  . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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“That snake just came out of WHERE?!” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Restraint”

Source

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Erica became the Catwoman to Stiles’ Batman, just in time to have her kitty-clawed arm twisted out of it’s socket.  Lydia had the unfortunate experience of having her “My Date with Emo” romantic comedy life, merge with her “I See Dead People (or rather the Same Dead Person, Over and Over Again) ” horror movie life, in a way that forced her to recognize that she might actually be Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

Jackson got to have snakes crawl in and out of every orifice of his body, like it was a jungle gym.  Big Bad Hoodie Guy reminded us why you should never EVER go to the hospital in Beacon Hills.  And Allison’s mom went really, REALLY overboard sharpening a pencil.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, thank you to MY Master . . . of screencaps that is, Andre!  Thanks for all of your hard work, and for not being at all evil.  I also appreciate your not making snakes come out of my eyeballs. ;)]

“Well, hello there soon-to-be-dead people we’ve never met!”

Ahhh, the good ole “Victim Extras Whose Soul Purpose in Life is to Die Terrible Horrible Deaths Just So We Know the Big Bad Means Business.”  It’s a tale as old as horror movie time.  But the writers of Teen Wolf took this one step further, by using these seemingly random and senseless deaths to actually add to the season’s over-arching mystery.

We open on a youngish married couple — late 20’s, early 30’s tops — who have recently fallen on hard times and have been forced to make their home in a particularly dingy trailer.  But wait, it’s about to get worse, when the husband of the couple goes out side to chat with a heretofore unseen Big Bad Hoodie Guy about some faulty lights, and ends up being (1) ripped from the ground by a giant snake; (2) murdered by said snake; and finally (3) shoved through the window of his trailer, so that his wife can look at the snake’s handiwork.

Same old, same old, right?  But here’s where things get interesting . .  . After doing away with the husband, the snake comes back inside the trailer to finish off the wife, who totally seems like a goner.  But then the camera pans down and we notice, at presumably the same time that the snake does that the wife is VERY pregnant.    So, we’re thinking.  “Great!  Two for one special for the Big Bad Snake.”

Except, it isn’t.  Because, for SOME reason — which I plan to speculate about in a bit — the snake has decided to show this pregnant lady mercy . . . for now.

So, what have we learned from this . . . I mean . . . aside from the obvious: ((1) Don’t talk to people in hoodies!  (2) Don’t park your trailer in the creepy woods! (3)  Getting knocked up might just save your life!)?  Well, we’ve learned that Kanaima Jackson, unlike his werewolf counterparts, is not just limited to his human and lizard form.  He’s a true shapeshifter, one that can morph into multiple types of reptiles, and possibly even animals from other species.  This is also the first time we’ve seen the Kanaima Puppet Master in Action, pulling Jackson’s strings from beneath a trademark Dark Hoodie Worn By Every Villain in Every Teen Horror Movie Ever.

And this guy (or girl?) means business . . .

The next day,  at school . . .

But what if Stiles has to pee?

I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but the moment I saw the trailer for this week’s episode — which hinted that the erstwhile kidnapped Kanaima Jackson convinced his parents to get a restraining order against Scott and Stiles — I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering how the heck that was going to work, when, by mere virtue of going to the same high school, Scott, Stiles and Jackson would nearly ALWAYS be within 500 feet of one another.  Well, apparently, the writers must have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it too.  Because they treated us to Stiles absolutely HILARIOUS speech about how Jackson’s restraining order could negatively impact his bodily functions . . .

“What if I have to pee?  And Jackson has to pee?  And the only two available stalls are right next to one another?”

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Of course, Jackson’s dad thought Stiles was being sarcastic and making light of the situation, which, knowing Stiles,  I suspect he was.  And yet, in a real Restraining Order situation the whole Pee Standing Up thing would actually become a genuine legal issue  . . . not to mention the fact that Jackson seems to have Every Single One of his Classes with Scott and Stiles despite the fact that Scott is a total mental midget, and would probably never place into the high-level type classes Stiles, Jackson and Lydia would take.

Mama McCall is understandably freaked out by her son’s foray into kidnapping, and even goes as far as to take away Scott’s most prize possession as punishment . . . his Stiles.  A Scott without his Trusty Sidekick / Wingman?  Now, that would be a sign of Teen Wolf’s impending cancellation the Apocalypse.  Though Scott comes awfully close to telling his mom the truth about why he’s seemingly acting like a total teen sociopath, Stiles coaxes his bestie out of the completely unbelieveable “The Lizard Thingy Made Me Do It” excuse, by navigating his pal toward a much more “believable” one, i.e.  “I’m just sad because I have a deadbeat dad.”

Way to guilt trip your mommy for being single, Scott!

Meanwhile, over at Wolfpack Hideaway 2.0 . . .

Derek is busy telling wolf pups Isaac and Erica (SERIOUSLY WHERE IS BOYD and who did he have to blow to get out of all these mandatory lecture sessions?) . . .

. . .  to “play nice” with Scott and Stiles, so that they’ll readily give up intel about the Kanaima.  Erica, who’s idea of “playing nice” typically involves “thinly-veiled propositions of sex disguised as not particularly credible threats to one’s safety” thinks this is a super idea, one that might just end up getting her impregnated, thereby contributing to the Wolf Bloodline.

Because everyone knows that if Jackson was a Hogwarts Wizard, he’d be a Slytherin

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this seemingly nonsensical,  not to mention utterly disgusting scene, in which Jackson impressively charms a Class Pet snake . . .and then SWALLOWS IT HOLE.  I wish I could say this was a metaphor for sex, but it SO wasn’t.

You’re welcome.

In which the sight of Naked Jackson eliminates my ability to come up with a clever subheading for this section . . .


I’ve showed it once before, but it bears repeating . . .

It turns out that Derek’s wolf pups aren’t the only ones trying to “squeeze intel” out of the opposition.  Based on further research regarding the Kanaima, Team Scott n’ Stiles decide that it’s actually a “good creature” most of the time.  And by “good creature” I mean it still murders people, but only really, really bad ones . . . kind of like that Dexter guy on the Showtime series . . .  So, why is Jackson’s Kanaima such a total douche, they wonder?

Well, obviously, it has something to do with the fact that Kanaima Jackson’s Master is clearly a douche.  Oh, and did I mention that Jackson is also .  . . at least about 98.999% of the time a douche?  I don’t know . . . the answer to this one seems pretty darn obvious to me.  I mean, if it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and looks like a lizard . . .

Nevertheless, Scott and Stiles are willing to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, and blame shoddy parenting on his sociopathy / lizardy tendency to KILL EVERYONE, even members of his own kind . . .  Except, in order to make this hypothesis stick, they need to first figure out what happened to Jackson’s bio parents .  . .

Not surprisingly, Stiles hits up Jackson’s ex, Lydia for information.  Unfortunately, the Jackson-centric portion of Lydia’s genius, but increasingly addled brain is a locked vault.

Lydia is loyal to Jackson and his secrets, because, in between verbally and emotionally abusing her, Jackson occasionally gives her nice kisses . . .

Erica overhears this exchange take place, and decides that it’s the perfect time to swoop in and “play nice.”  She tells Stiles that she just might have the information he’s seeking.  But when Stiles does run straight into Erica’s waiting tongue and / or lodge his head in between her boobs, girlfriends gets pissed, pushes him up against the wall, and tries to claw off his face.  So much for “playing nice.”

Fortunately, for Erica, Stiles, who’s kind of used to this sort of abuse, take this precursor to date rape in stride.  He even throws a little comic book humor into the mix for good measure!

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Elsewhere, Scott is taking a makeup chemistry test.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t hallucinate scary questions onto it, like last time.  (Wait, now that I think about it, that might have actually been an important plot point.  More on that later.)

Also elsewhere, Allison is busy stalking Jackson near the boy’s locker room, when she runs into her own personal stalker Creepy Camera Guy.  It’s like a Stalker Circle Jerk!  Creepy Camera Guy awkwardly invites Allison to a rave.  And I have to wonder if it’s at the same gay club the cast visited last week . . . because . . . let’s face it, no matter how many unflattering close-up shots, Creepy Camera Guy takes of Allison’s face, he’s not fooling ANYBODY!

Speaking of folks who enjoy gay porn, Allison hears a scream coming from the locker room, and rushes in to find a Wet and Naked Jackson just, for lack of a better term, hanging out by the showers.

Can I get a heck yeah?  This might very well be the best looking lizard thingy I have ever seen!

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Ab-tastically beautiful, though he might be, Jackson has some not so kind things to say to Allison about the state of her relationship with Scott.   In short, he thinks it’s soon-to-be about as dead as that random guy from the first scene of this  episode.  Then Jackson gets up in Allison’s face,  and tackles her . . . but not in a sexy, “I’m the perpetually naked high school jock in the smash hit porno flick, High School Humpsical.”  In fact, the whole scene is pretty darn dark and terrifying.

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To Scott’s credit, the minute his wolfy senses note a shift in Allison’s pulse, he immediately (and correctly) assumes that his girlfriend is in danger, without ever once considering the possibility that the heartrate increase is the result of Allison and Jackson . . . um . . . playing find the lizard with one another? He speeds through his exam.  (OK, this dude is never graduating . . . ever!)  And then rushes to the locker room to be Allison’s Knight and Shining Werewolf once again . . .

Back on top of Allison, Jackson is beginning to return to his non-Kanaima senses, and figures out that body tackling your “friends” and calling them b*tches is NOT cool.

Of course, this realization might have come too late, because it’s Scott to the rescue!

Rumble in the Restroom!

“I have a restraining order!” Jackson screams frantically, as Scott storms toward him.

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Non-Kanaima Jackson has always been a bit of a wuss . . .

“Trust me, I’m using restraint,” replies Scott.  (Wow, that was actually clever.  All this time hanging out with Stiles, might have finally paid off.)

Look, it’s a commercial for Immodium!

Sinks are being ripped out of wall sockets, lockers are being knocked over, water and cement particles are flying everywhere.  It’s a supernatural Battle Royale!

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Meanwhile, outside, Erica is trying her hands at “playing nice” with Stiles’ again, but it’s hard to tell whether she’s being for real, or if it’s simply part of Derek’s plan.  Erica admits to Stiles that, back before she was a Werewolf Slutbag, she had a major crush on him, which is sweet.

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Fake or not, it’s precisely the kind of thing Stiles’ needs to hear every once in a while . . . that he’s not invisible . . . that he’s more than just “Scott’s friend,” that girls notice and pine over him, the same way he notices and pines over Lydia.  We all need to hear that sometimes, don’t we?

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But then, Stiles sees water seeping from the Men’s Locker Room, and it’s “Danger, Danger, Scott McCall!”  Within minutes, the fight is literally taken outside in the hallway, and Stiles, Erica, Allison, and, oddly enough, Creepy Camera Guy, who was “just happening by,” rush into the fray to “Stop the Violence.”

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No good deed goes unpunished.  And their effort results in the entire gang getting detention thanks to Positively No One’s Favorite Chemistry Teacher . . .

Meanwhile, back at Scott’s house, Mama McCall starts not-so-subtly rummaging through Scott’s room to find out why he’s seemingly become a sociopath overnight.  She doesn’t need to look hard, before she finds a HUGE, ECONOMY SIZE and very nearly empty, box of condoms just sitting right there on the counter.

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On one hand, WAY TO GO, SCOTT!  YOU STUD!  On the other, really kid, how dumb can you be?  Hide your condoms in the false bottom of your teddy bear, or at least in the bottom of your sock drawer like everybody else . . .

Because everyone who’s seen The Breakfast Club knows that one detention can change EVERYTHING!

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Detention in the library for the Princess, the Jock, the Rebel, the Basketcase, and the Nerd . . . OK, maybe not . . . maybe it’s just Scott, Stiles, Jackson, Allison, Erica, and Creepy Camera Guy . . . close enough!  Scott and Stiles cleverly note that having Jackson sit at their table violates his restraining order, prompting Chemistry Teacher to move him to the next table.  Seriously?  Worst enforcement of a restraining order, EVER!

While the Chemistry Teacher is gone, the Supper Club uses this time for their own personal research.  Creepy Camera Guy researches the Kanaima based on intel he stole from Scott’s (?) iPad.  Erica, who’s dad is an insurance provider or something, looks up Jackson’s parents death, and confirms that they died in a car accident the day BEFORE Jackson was born.  This means either that Jackson was C-Sectioned out of his mother’s dead body, or something is seriously amiss here.

Speaking of seriously amiss, Jackson is starting to look super sick and headachey . . .

Oh, look, it’s a Tylenol commercial!

 . . . so he dashes out to REMOVE THE SNAKE FROM EYEBALL! WHY, WRITERS, WHY?

Elsewhere, Scott’s mom chats with Mama Argent at school, about the very real possibility that Scott and Allison might be not-so-much broken up and boning.  This prompts Mama Argent to sharpen a pencil to a size that I suspect is supposed to represent Scott’s weiner, so that she can wave it around like a not particularly well-endowed cast member of Magic Mike.  Now, that’s just cold!

Bite sized?

Later, Mama Argent calls Scott to the office, and warns him to keep it in his pants . . . literally.  She’s a real sweetheart, this one . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles wonders if Creepy Camera Guy is the Kanaima Master, just because he’s creepy, which, I guess is a good enough reason . . . it’s why I always used to suspect him.

On the other hand, moments later we get confirmation that the Chemistry Teacher drives the car with Einstein bumper sticker . . . the one the Kanaima was fondling a few episodes back.  This would suggest that HE is the actual Kanaima Master.  And yet, I think we’d all love to be proven wrong about this.  It all just seems too obvious.  Plus, from a nitpicker’s standpoint, Chemistry Teacher seems so much taller than Big Bad Hoodie Guy, who actually looks like it might be a woman . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

On the other hand, the Kanaima Master uses a trick of mental manipulation on Jackson that we’ve only seen before in the context of the Chemistry Teacher.  Remember I told you about Scott, and that weird test, with the ever changing answers?  Well, now the spines of Jackson’s books are talking to him, and telling him to take a nap, so the Kanaima can resume control, and do it’s duty.

He obeys . . .

The next thing you know, a half-lizard, half-zombie, half-whatever Jackson is zipping around the room, destroying everything in his path, and venoming Matt and Erica, the latter of whom promptly starts seizing again, something we haven’t seen her do, since she was turned.

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Then, the THING, whatever it is, writes a warning on the board for everyone still conscious.  It says, more or less, don’t get in my way or I’ll kill you.

I don’t know about you guys, but I believe him.  As a rule, I generally don’t like to involve myself with people who swallow snakes, and then proceed to poop them out of their eyeballs.

Then again, maybe that’s just me . . .

When all is said and done, Scott and Stiles decide to take the seizing Erica to Derek, while Allison waits with Creepy Camera Guy.  Scott and Allison, of course, make a huge deal about splitting up for a couple of hours, as if doing so symbolizes the beginning of the end of their relationship.

“Chill out, I’m just going to the bathroom!”

We can dream, can’t we?  And, because this is TV, maybe it does . . .

Flower Guy is Peter / Peter is Lydia / Lydia is Flower Guy / Lydia is Peter Corpse, a.k.a. WTF!

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Elsewhere,  Lydia and her weird new “boyfriend” who no one has ever seen but her, make plans to meet near his house, which seemed to just suddenly appear out of nowhere, fully formed behind  Lydia’s own.  Creepo tells Lydia to bring his wolfsbane flower on her date.  But she’s lost it, and can’t seem to find any in her garden .  . . probably because Creepo pulled that flower out of his ass . . .

In a trance, Lydia walks behind her house, and comes upon a really nice house, that’s completely empty inside, save for some leaves and debris.  What’s with people in this town and empty homes?  Doesn’t anyone here like furniture?  Just wait . . . all will be explained in a bit . . .

Lydia meets her creepo in the middle of the house, and apologizes about the flower.  It’s all very dreamlike and surreal probably because none of it is actually real.  The pair randomly start making out . . . yeah, because that’s how most of us would react to a guy we just met, who gave us a dinky flower, and invited us alone to his unfurnished serial killer lair . . .

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Lydia, I’m disappointed in you!  I thought you were supposed to be smart.

But wait . . . this isn’t a new, nice house at all . . . it’s that OTHER unfurnished house . . . Derek’s, the same one Lydia was drawn toward, when she escaped naked into the woods from the hospital, which suggests that this has been Lydia’s “neighbor” all along.  The Hale house . . . Lydia’s hallucination of the place was probably a depiction of what it looked like before the fire charred it all up.

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You know what else isn’t looking so hot anymore.  Creepo . . . probably because now he’s Dead Burned-Up Peter.  Apparently, Lydia’s bite has had the impact of allowing Lydia to see how everything Hale looked prior to the fire . . . Peter included.  In other words, Creepo is nothing more than a Young Peter.  And Young Peter, just like the nice-looking Hale house, no longer exists. He’s been a figment of Lydia’s imagination all along.

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Or has it?

You see, in the scene that follows, a charred up looking Peter informs an oddly unemotional, under the circumstances, Lydia that her unique immunity to the bite, will mean big things for Peter.  Apparently, she’s going to do something for him.  But what, revive him?  Allow him to possess her body, in a way, that, to some extent he already has?  The scene was purposefully unclear in this respect.  All we know is that Peter’s nasty ass decaying body is currently buried beneath the Hale house.  The question is, for how much longer will it stay there?

“You make a good Batman.”

Over at Derek’s lair, hot stuff looks so incredibly sexy, when he’s playing Barbarian Witch Doctor,  breaking poor Erica’s arm to leech the toxins from it.

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Meanwhile, the poor girl cries out in pain, and Stiles holds her gently, a look of fear and genuine concern on his face.  Erica’s eyes flutter as she looks up at Stiles.  “You make a good Batman,” she tells him.

Oh, this chick is good . . . using pickup lines, mid-seizure, while your arm is being pulled out of it’s socket . . . that’s gotta deserve some kind of reward.

Later, Scott tells Derek that he’s willing to join the latter’s pack for the sole purpose of locating Jackson and the Master, [provided they do it “HIS WAY.”   Aww, it looks like the gang’s getting back together again.  How sweet!

You know what’s not so sweet though, that poor mom, who just gave birth in the hospital, only to have Big Bad Hoodie Guy snuff out her life with a pillow, which,  as far as deaths go, is so much less cool than Dismemberment by Snakes . . .

But hey, you Kanaima win em’ all, right?  Until next time, Werebangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Don’t Cry Kanaima – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frenemy”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  After last week’s game-changer of an episode, this week’s Teen Wolf shifted its focus away from Derek’s wolf pack, and towards its much scalier counterpart.  As a result, “Frenemy” was by far the “lizardiest” ((and, yes, I did just make up that word) episode to-date . . .  Keep this up, and we may have to change the series’ name to Teen Kanaima . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre.  If there was an Academy Award for “Best Screencaps in a Supernatural TV Series,” he’d win it, in a heartbeat.]

We’re off to see the Lizard .  . .

So, remember Jackson’s “boring” solo sex tape?

Well, thanks to Danny and his tech savvy, it just got a lot more interesting . . .

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Of course, Danny doesn’t know that, because he DIDN’T WATCH IT?!

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OK . . . so, you guys are all my friends right, Werebangers?  Good, because I’ve got a confession to make.  If any of you give me a sex tape with you in it, and tell me not to watch it, I’m SOOOO WATCHING IT, ANYWAY.

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I don’t care who you are . . . gay, straight, fat, skinny, animal, vegetable, mineral.  Curiosity will eventually kill the Recapper, and I’ll get to see your junk on the small screen. Sorry, if that makes me a crappy friend.  But I’d counter that it also makes me human.

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See?  He gets it!

The fact that Danny didn’t watch is undoubtedly admirable.  And yet, arguably, also unrealistic . . .

I don’t know, Danny.  For someone who claims he didn’t watch the video, you sure look a heck of a lot like you’re watching it . . . 

Anywhoo, Danny drops the unwatched Paranormal Activity Porn tape off in the trunk of a car, as instructed, and heads out to a nearby nightclub with his conscience clear.  Meanwhile . . .

For all you comic book geeks out there, who just love pitting your favorite superheroes and villains against one another, to see how they’d fare in a fight, this opening sequence was definitely for you.  Kanaima .  . . versus . . . Alpha.  BRING IT ON!

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Then, Papa Argent randomly enters the fray.  Wait!  How did he get there?

And Grandpa Argent . . . and Scott . . . they are both there too.

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Who sent out e-vites to this battle?  It’s like a supernatural flash mob!

Now, of all of these aforementioned warriors, you would think that Grandpa Argent . . .  a.k.a. Mr. “I Cut Bodies In Half for Fun” would be the most bloodthirsty.  But, oddly enough, that’s not the case.  Instead, Not-John McCain and Lizard Thingy just stand around eye f*&king one another, until Scott intervenes, and cock blocks them both.  Weird . . .

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And just like that, the “Second Kanaima” / Master “Friend” of Kanaima betting pool just got one person larger . . .

Elsewhere, in Mushy Gushy Feelings Land . . .

. . . Allison informs Lydia that the reason she can’t tell her why the Really Hot Guy, and his three high-school age minions stalked her /seemed to want her dead is because . . . wait for it . . . she just LOOOOOOOOVES Scott too much.

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I’m with you, Lydia.  It pissed me off too.

A Lizard and a Werewolf walk into a Gay Bar . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Stiles contemplate why, if Jackson is the Kanaima, he was still paralyzed by his own venom.

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Scott suggests that this is because, when Jackson is Jackson, he isn’t the Kanaima.  Wow!  That’s quite a deeply philosophical thought for the D student.  Color me impressed.

But now’s not the time to talk about ids, egos, and reptilian identity crises.   It’s time to go CLUBBING!  Can I get a fist pump?

Since Lizard Thingys are scent-free, Scott is forced to use another familiar scent to track down Were-Jackson . . . namely, the delectable odor of Best Friend Danny’s Armani cologne.

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Upon entering the club,  “Genius” Scott notices that something is amiss . . .

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Scott might very well be the “Alpha” of his own pack.  But here in Funkytown, it’s Stiles who’s wielding all the power . . .

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. . . that is until that pesky Lizard Thingy has to harsh on Stiles’ game, by literally eliminating all his prospective suitors from the picture.   (Well, that’s ONE way to get your man.)

Danny, who had just recently been making his ex-boyfriend VERY jealous, by grinding up against a hot piece of A, is now down for the count.  See, Danny?  That’s what you get for NOT watching sex tapes.  You brought this on yourself . . .

Oh, and Derek’s at the club too now.

I don’t know, Derek.  If you want to impress the gay guys, I’d probably go with a look that’s a bit more . . . natural . . .

Much better! 

And, suddenly, Jackson’s outside the club . . . back in human form . . . naked. 

My straight-girl Gay Guy Fantasy is now complete.  Well .  . . almost.

Sheriff Stilinski is on the scene now, which leads to an . . . awkward . . . conversation between father and son.  Apparently, Stiles’ dad doesn’t believe he’s gay, because of the way he dresses.

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Small towns lead to small minds, I guess . . . even in otherwise awesome dudes, like Daddy Stilinski.

Now, for the record, I think Stiles is an AWESOME dresser.  He always wears the coolest t-shirts.

But Daddy-o is right about one thing.  Stiles is NOT gay.  Anyone who’s watched the way he reacts to Lydia can see that . . .

Though . . . I guess he could be bi . . .

Anywhoo, Stiles and Scott manage to shove Jackson in the back of a police paddy wagon.  And off they ride into the night . . .

Never trust a man who steals your purse dog .  . .

Did you know Lydia has a “purse dog,” who she named after a company known for its high-quality purses.  Clever right?  But just because Prada is expensively named, doesn’t mean he’s immune to a man with beef jerky in his pockets or a werewolf with the power to mind control dogs, like we saw Scott do in the pilot episode  (Come on!  We all know that’s how he got the dog to run off, right?)

That’s right, Werebangers!  Creepy Dude from Outside the School Shrink’s Office strikes again.  And this time, he’s claiming to be Lydia’s “new neighbor.”   How convenient!

In the words of Gotye, Creepy Dude definitely looks like “Somebody that I Used to Know” . . .

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And as if the connection between Creepy Dude and Uncle Alpha wasn’t obvious enough, his cheesy methods of seduction involve a failed kiss . . .

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 . . . and . . . wait for it . . . a gift of wolfsbane . . .

The question is, what are Creepy Dude’s motives for wanting Lydia to carry wolfsbane around with her at all times.  Is it for protection from Derek’s pack?  Is the wolfsbane what keeps Lydia immune from the Kanaima’s venom?  Or does Creepy Dude have a more sinister reason for wanting to get under the red head’s skin.

Then again, he could always just be a horny teen looking to get laid . . .

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Up close and personal . . .

Over in Argent land, Grandpoppy suggests that the Kanaima could be useful in culling out, and eventually killing Derek and his Wolf Pack.

At first blush, I’d say that this really isn’t such a bright idea.  After all, the Devil You Know is always safer than the Devil you don’t.  And this Kanaima sure does seem a lot more dangerous and deadly than broody Derek and his pitiful wolf pups.  Unless, of course, the Kanaima IS the Devil that Grandpoppy knows better.  Once again, the notion that Grandpa Argent is somehow connected to the Kanaima is dangled tantalizingly in front of us fans . . .

Elsewhere, even though Jackson is technically Stiles’ hostage, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good host, right.  After slipping Jackson into a pair of pants, while he was passed out (Now, THAT’S a deleted scene I hope they put on the DVD), Stiles kindly offers Jackson some gas station sandwiches and scintillating conversation . . .

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 . . . but no bathroom, which, after the sandwiches, could be a real problem . . .

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Speaking of Stiles’ hostage hosting skills, he’s even gone to the trouble of texting Jackson’s adoptive parents from his cell phone to let them know he’s OK.

This, of course, ends up backfiring big time, because Jackson never says anything nice to his parents . . . or anyone for that matter . . .  by text or otherwise.  So, now, Jackson’s dad is super suspicious, and decides to go to the cops.

Over at school, Principal Not-John McCain creepily fondles his granddaughter’s neck to determine if she’s lying about the missing Jackson’s whereabouts.  I bet he does that with all the girls . . .

“My, Allison what big boobs neck muscles you have!” 

How convenient that the Argents, despite having just moved into town a few months ago,  have such an influence on the Beacon Hills public school system.  Within a day, Grandpa has installed video cameras all over the school.  And I bet you will never guess who he hired as Allison’s new substitute teacher . . .

Out of all the Argents, I still think this one is the scariest of them all . . .

Oddly enough, like Principal Not John McCain, Mama Argent seems to be working at the school for no other reason than to torture Allison.  After class, Mama Argent praises her daughter for being “strong” and staying away from Scott.

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But Allison isn’t fooled, what might sound like praise coming from normal moms, is clearly a threat coming from this one.  In other words, “stop dating Scott, or he dies.”

Nothing much new here.  Though it did make me giggle a bit, when Mama Argent cleverly noted that Allison was exchanging quite a few text messages with “The Odd One” a.k.a. This Guy . . .

Speaking of Stiles, it seems his hostage-taking skills leave a bit to be desired.  For one thing, he’s forgotten about a little thing called “GPS” that police can use to TRACK THE CELL PHONES OF MISSING PEOPLE.

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Ruh-roh!

Speaking of technology, remember that sex tape that Danny shoved into the trunk of a car unwatched?  Well, feel free to check for it on YouTube next week because it’s GONE!

It’s not easy being green . . .

Outside the paddy wagon, Stiles, Scott and Allison argue over how next to proceed.  Arguing for the “Let’s not kill, Jackson” side is Scott, champion of all supernatural creatures, who wonders, as many fans have postulated, whether the Kanaima might only be target “bad people”  . . . like killers . . . and stuff.

But Stiles, who’s personally felt the wrath of the Kanaima on more than one occasion, is all, “Nah . . . he’s evil.  Let’s kill him!”

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Funny how quickly your tune changes, when you find out the Kanaima isn’t the hot red-head you LOOOVE, but, rather, the jock douchebag you hate, isn’t it Stiles?

Loyal Wolf Pup Scott isn’t convinced, however.   He claims that his Scooby Gang should feel obligated to save Jackson because nobody else likes him enough to do it for them (well . . . except maybe Danny).

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 Jackson overhears this, and gets depressed.  Cue the Single Manly Tear!

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Then, Stiles heads off to chat with Lydia, so that the two lovebirds can make out some more.  We’re treated to a “scintillating” conversation about how Allison wants to be with Scott FOREVVEEERRRR, despite the fact that they are only sophomores (?), and the fact that with Scott’s grades, he might not actually graduate high school until he’s 55.  More nuzzling and smooching ensue . . .

Gag!  Puke!  BLEEEHHH!

I don’t know.  Usually, I’m such a goopy girl romantic.  And Allison has really been growing on me as a character these past few weeks.  But there’s something about these two together that just bores me to tears.  Does anyone else feel the same way?

The only interesting part of this conversation, was the suggestion that perhaps Lydia’s “immunity” to werewolf bites could be used to cure Scott of his “condition.”  Well, they may have squeeze it out of her first . . .

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Wait,  I lied.  There was another interesting part of this conversation.  It was the one where Scott and Allison started boning.  And Jackson used that opportunity to turn into the Kanaima and escape.  Serves those horndogs right!

Now, completely out of options, Stiles decides to come clean to his dad about the town’s little “supernatural problem.”  Scott and his yellow eyes tag along to help make Stiles’ story a bit more “credible.”  Unfortunately, by the time they arrive at the sheriff’s office, a very smug looking “human” Jackson is already there with his lawyer dad.  And they’re ready to sue!

You know, because lawyers and law suits are so much scarier than getting your face ripped apart by a lizard thingy . . .

Allison’s ready to come clean to her parents too.  But before she can, she runs into Lydia, who, understandably, is desperate for answers.

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She’s also conveniently fluent in Archaic Latin.  It’s time to break out that trusty old Bestiary again . . .

Here’s an interesting twist.  Either that school counselor chick really sucks at Latin . . .

. . . or she’s hiding something, because her translation of the piece about the Kanaima was missing one very important piece of information.  Accoring to Lydia, the Kanaima isn’t looking for a “friend,” it’s looking for a “MASTER” to control it . . .

Ahh . . . the plot . . . it thickens!  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I wanna be like you” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ice Pick’

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Best . . .  gynecologist appointment . . . EVER! 

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?

This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.”  Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones.  For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .

. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.

You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream.  Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . .  well, so far, that seems to be about it.

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Let’s review the episode, shall we?

(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s.  The boring words are all me!)

“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”

Oh those Wacky Argents!  They sure know how to have a good time!  We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter.  (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)

We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison.  After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank?  This isn’t reality TV!

Allison’s not entirely alone.  There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison.   I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.

But more on him, in a bit . . .

The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car.  (Did she pay?  I hope she paid!  Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.)  It’s  too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.

Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station.  She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.

Kinky! 

Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.

“Happy Father’s Day!”

A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.

Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season.  Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten  . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree.  Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing?  Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia?  Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?

Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel.  He smiles and bows.  Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.

Allison Argent . . .

“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?”  Allison pouts.

Probably.  But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.”  Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society.   The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill.  Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess.  Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.

She does it in two and a half hours.  And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome.  It took him three hours during his “training.”  Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life.  We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.

“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.” 

Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws.  Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .

Hitting the Wall

We’re in gym class now.  Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.

“Stop looking at my bum.  You dirty bum looker!” 

Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent?  Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.

Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica.  New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.

In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever.  He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.

Who knew he had that in him.  Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .

But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall.  Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down.  No big deal right?  You know that’s not the end of that story.

Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans.   While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.

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I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement.  They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly.  But never actually show it to us.

Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand.  Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness.  And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall.  Scott catches her, before she hits the ground.  “My hero!”

“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.” 

Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble.   I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.

Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park. 

Scott says “he just felt it.”  Because apparently,  being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures.  Groovy!

Now we’re at the hospital.  Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom.  It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?

“Don’t worry, Erica.  Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.” 

Mommy leaves soon after.  Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue.  (I guess he “felt” her too.)

DEREK TO ANDRE:  “Hey!  You cropped out my sexy tank top.  What gives, buddy?” 

 Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever.  You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms.  But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.

Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .

He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking.  At least now we know why she’s not taking it.  Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.

“Golly.  I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.” 

It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . .  . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.

But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible?  Like rabies.  I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already.   So, getting it again is no big deal.

I’m getting off track again.  What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack.  Umm . . . yay?

Speaking of cures .  . .

The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia

In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.

“Daydreaming of Wolfy.” 

This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .

Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.

“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook.  You are like SOOO evil!”

Then, she runs off to the bathroom to cry.

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 I don’t know.  If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying.  In fact, I’d be doing this . . .

Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall.  Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom.  Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor?  Forget Athlete’s Foot.  We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!

All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven.  But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there. 

Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty.  (She didn’t even wash her hands!)

Big Foot is gone.  But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies.  So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People.  She’s just seeing Dead Peter.

As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think.  Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .

The “Fa” Sound

We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are.   They  apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses.  I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.

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$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey!  So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty.  “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.

It’s like Sesame Street.  This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”

As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.

“As in Forty?”  Stiles tries again.  (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)

But Boyd is unmoved.  Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash.  That’s a lot of money for a high school student!  What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?

Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,” New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again.  (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)

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Speaking of cliches, she eats someone’s apple off his table.  I think there’s supposed to be some Adam and Eve reference there.

But to me, that’s just plain RUDE!

Erica then leaves school, and rides off into the sunset with Derek.

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Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human.  These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .

After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later.  In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead.  Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!

ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!” 

LYDIA:  “You really think so?  That’s SO sweet!”

It’s a Petercicle!

Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.”  We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  (Hello, Product Placement.)

“Hi boys.  You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.” 

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Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface.  In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way  . . .

We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”

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Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty)  .  . .

and Peter  (not so much) growing out of the ice  . . .

“Hey girlfriend.  Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”

“I guess that’s a no?” 

If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD.  But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .

Speaking of something wolfy . . .

B*tches ARE CRAZY!

In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams.  Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.

*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.” 

 It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison.  And it might have worked too.  After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.

What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper.  Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?

Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.

“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.” 

“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”

I don’t know.  To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward.  Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know.  When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene.  (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place?  No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything!  She’s always working!)

“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!” 

Snow Dogs on Ice!

Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit.  (Why?  Can’t a guy have a sick day?)  Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy.  “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?”  Stiles asks hopefully . . .

Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns.  I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.

Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.

“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”

Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.

Meet the Douche Squad. 

Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull.  And that’s when things really pick up.  I smell a WOLF FIGHT.  Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.

Naptime for wolfy . . .

 (I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)

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 But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.

“Dammit!  Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”

Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human.  But it’s too late.  Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey.  But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica.  He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf.  Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .

Now, that’s faaaaa  . . . ucked up.

In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse.  I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.

Dinner is served! 

 Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy.  Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .

Smart choice.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.

How nice for him.  I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!


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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .


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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exac