Tag Archives: xoxo

Nightmare on Blair’s Street – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Easy J”

Forget Paranormal Activity 2, THIS is the scariest sight I’ve seen ALL WEEK . . .

 .  . . and, apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so!

So, this is Halloween Week.  This tends to be the week when television shows try to add a little something “special” and “Halloweeny” to their episodes.  They do this, in a shallow attempt to SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US!

Glee has the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The Vampire Diaries has a Masquerade Ball and a Murderous Kat.  Gossip Girl has an Evil Raccoon Zombie with bad hair extensions . . .

But you want to know the SCARIEST THING about this episode?  During it, I actually .  . . gulp . . . didn’t mind . . . Jenny Humphrey!

OH THE HORROR!

Let’s get on to the recap, OK?

Wait Until Dark . . . Then Freak Out in the Morning

Yes, boys and girls.  Only Blair Waldorf wakes up in the morning with perfect makeup, flawless skin, and not a single hair out of place . . . B*TCH!

In anticipation of this upcoming episode, many of you might have had nightmares about Jenny Humphrey’s impending return to Gossip Girl.  Apparently, so did Blair.  When the episode opens, our Queen B is, once again, dreaming herself into an Audrey Hepburn movie.  Only, this time, it is not the Happy “Holly Go Lightly” Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  It’s . . . Wait Until Dark.

 LOVE THE HAIR . . . Blair!

In the dream sequence, a blind Blair (Wait . . . She was blind?  How did she SEE ANY OF THIS?) hears an intruder in her house, and becomes immediately convinced that it is Chuck Bass.  But, when the intruder attacks her from behind, Blair, in an attempt to defend herself, grabs a hold of something .  . . HAIR . . . long . . . grimy . . . stringy . . . despicable . . . HAIR.  My goodness!  Who could it possibly be?

Good guess . . . but I’m pretty sure it was Jenny Humphrey . . .

Meanwhile, across town, Serena is in bed with that Slutty Hot Guy who kept stealing her cab last week. 

Mommy Like!

Except . . . they are wearing clothes . . . A LOT OF CLOTHES.  You know what?  I don’t these two slept together . . .

Man, this episode is terrifying.  Clearly, this is a WORLD GONE MAD!

Anyway, Slutty (but not TODAY!) Serena sneaks out of Cab Guy’s apartment, because she doesn’t want to be like “all those other girls” she sees entering cabs from there, on “the morning after.”  (Yes, Serena.  Because Walks of Shame are SO much classier, than Cab Rides of Shame.  Good call, Girlfriend!)

“I am SMART!  S-M-R-T!”

But then, in a twist that shocked positively NO ONE, when Serena arrives at her “class,” which is Psychology of Business, or something . . .

(Wait . . . another business class?  What’s the matter?  Don’t any of you Gossip Girls like Science?  Or Math?  Or Underwater Basket Weaving?)

 . . . who is her new professor but, lo and behold, Cab Guy!

(I’m sure Columbia University is SO HAPPY to know that their prestigious faculty is being represented on this show as He Sluts and B*tchy Ladies who quit teaching because their  prospective Teaching Assistants fight over them . . .)

The Day Pass and the Dropped Class

Never one to disregard her Audrey Hepburn Dreams, Blair rushes to La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, and finds to no one’s surprise that Jenny Humphrey is there!

Queen B is just APPALLED that Evil Raccoon Zombie would have the GALL to disregard her Decree of Banishment, and show her mascara-stained face in Upper Manhattan.

“Off with her head!”

And yet, The Queen is feeling quite generous today.  Upon hearing that Jenny has an interview with Tim Gunn, for admittance into Parsons School of Design . . .

“Oooh Jenny!  That hair!  That MAKEUP!  This concerns me.  I’m very troubled . . .”

 . . . Blair offers Jenny a “Day Pass” from Queen B-sized torture.  The terms of said Day Pass are that (1) Jenny stays home all day; and (2) she ONLY leaves the house to attend her interview.

Now, is that not the sweetest thing you ever heard?  No?  Well, clearly you don’t understand the sheer magnificence that is Relative Kindness to Evil Raccoon Zombies!

“I’m so happy I could eat out of a garbage can!  Oh, wait . . . I always do that!”

Not that it matters, anyway.  We all know it isn’t going to last . . .

Meanwhile, Serena confronts Professor Cab Guy, and tells him that they should just be friends teacher / student, or whatever.  But then Professor Cab Guy starts laying it on really thick!  He’s all . . . “I CARE about you!  I think we could really HAVE something together.  You’re so smart and witty!  I have so many new and unusual STDs to give you.  But I can’t give you them, if we never screw!

“I’m concerned.  This troubles me.  He’s just so full of sh*t!”

Ummm . . . yeah . . . the minute Professor Cab Guy (His name is “Colin” by the way.  I just like Professor Cab Guy, better . . .) started alluding to the fact that he was attracted to Serena, because she’s “smart” and has a “great personality,” we all should have IMMEDIATELY known something was up . . .

But, alas, Serena is actually deluded enough to think she is smart, and actually has a great personality!  And so, she falls for all this hook-line-and-sinker.  She agrees to to hold off on taking Psychology of Business, or whatever, until next semester.  She also agrees to be Professor Cab Guy’s date to the Eligible Bachelor Award Party at the Boom Boom Room. 

OK . . . so let me get this straight.  They give out awards to guys for being single, at a place called the “Boom Boom Room?”  Does that sound strange to anybody else?

Crimes of Fashion

After running into Chuck, and reminding him that she “banished” Jenny for “both [their] sakes” . . .

“Honestly, Chuck, do you REALLY want people to know you slept with Little J?  Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that she’s underaged, and you two are kind-of/sort-of related.  Have you seen that HAIR?”

. . . Blair contacts her Army of Minions (which now, apparently, includes Penelope again – Oh how the mighty, hath fallen!).  She then instructs them to stake out Little J’s casa, to make sure Spaghetti Head abides by the terms of her Day Pass.

OK . . . now, I only noticed this, because I screencap the episodes.  But do any of you find it odd that Blair’s two non-Penelope minions always wear orange and yellow? 

 

What’s up with that?

The non-Penelope minions agree to the task without question.  However, Penelope has become a bit rusty in the art of Minionship, during her year off the show away from Queen B.  She actually QUESTIONS BLAIR’S AUTHORITY!

While Penelope agrees that nothing can be more entertaining than a little “Bottle Blonde Recon,” she can’t, for the life of her, understand what Loser J could have possibly done to make her worth all this trouble . . .

“Yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to DO or DIE!”  Blair SEETHES.  (That RHYMES!)

 “I do not like Jenny in my Town.  I do not like her.  She makes me frown.  And so you’ll stalk her, yes you will.  You better stalk her, or I’ll kill!”

Back at La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, Jenny is putting the finishing touches on the LAMEST FASHION COLLECTION EVER!  Seriously?  Stick figures?  All black?  All dresses?  This . . . from the “most talented young fashion designer of the Upper East Side?” 

“Your verk, is uneenspired, and borink.  You have nooo talent.  And your hair is a DISASTER!  Jenny Humphrey, you are Out!  Auf wiedersehen!”

And then . . . just when we thought we would be subjected to yet another lame scene, where Jenny and Dan talk about how oh-so-mean Blair is, a Special Guest arrives at the house . . .

Well hello,  Special Guest!

Special Guest Chuck (who we all know was the whole reason Jenny and her hideous fashion sense even GOT an interview with Parsons) arrives supposedly to “apologize” for deflowering her, and ruining her hair (Oh. . . wait, she did that by herself.) . . . I mean ruining her LIFE  (Yeah, that works.)

But Dorky Dan won’t let Chuck see Jenny.

“Now that Lame-o Vanessa is out of the picture, I have NO STORYLINE.  In fact, I have pretty much nothing to do this week, except follow my sister around and be “brotherly.”  You are SO not stealing another scene from me!  So there!”

*sticks out tongue*

Chuck agrees to leave so quickly, we just know he’s up to something dastardly.  And we figure out precisely what he’s up to, when we see him depart with a stack of papers.  And even though the top pages say “Bass Industries,” we can be pretty sure that the ones conveniently hidden below them say, “Jenny’s Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line.”

Our suspicions are confirmed, when Chuck calls Jenny at home, to let her know he purposefully accidentally stole took her “Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line” Papers.  Therefore, he will leave the at the front desk of his hotel, so that she can retrieve them.

“I’m Chuck Bass.  I make weird faces, when talking on the telephone.”

Having no choice in the matter, Jenny dashes outside, ugly goth dresses under her arm, and hails a cab toward the Empire Hotel.

The Stalking Minions, of course, follow Jenny into Chuck’s Pants the Empire, and immediately report their findings back to Blair.

And she is PISSED!  Blair hightales it to Tim Gunn’s studio.  There, she plots a revenge that is SO awful, that it actually had me . . . gulp . . . FEELING BAD FOR LITTLE J!

I don’t even know who I AM, anymore!

Toward the end of Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which, admittedly, she ALREADY screwed up, by having LAME designs, and babbling on WAY TOO MUCH about her trashy personal life), she brings out the models wearing her designs.  It is at that moment that Jenny learns that Blair has somehow labeled each of them, so that they spell out the word”Whore,” in giant red letters.

(Then again . . .  it DID put some color on that bland palette of hers . . .)

Tim Gunn is APPALLED!

“I’m APPALLED!”

And so, he has no choice but to very politely ask Little J to leave  . . .

Don’t Drop the Soap!

You know what’s REALLY awkward?  When you are at prison, visiting your Psycho Sadistic Stalker Brother, who wants you to ruin the lives of your Boyfriend’s Friends — and you run into your Boyfriend, who is visiting his White-Collar Criminal / Drug Addict Dad.  I really hate it when that happens . . .

So, the above situation happens to Nate and Juliet.  Nate, for his part, is pretty cool with it — coming completely clean to Juliet about his Bad News Dad.  He also tells Juliet that he doesn’t care at all that her brother is an obvious Derelict / Threat to Society.

But then Juliet LIES ABOUT IT (even though she already basically told Nate about her brother’s “problems,” which sort of didn’t make sense).  Rather then telling the truth, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about being at the prison to teach some “literacy program” to inmates.  And then, Poor Dumb Nate offers to COME WITH HER to the class!

Awww Nate!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty . . . Because you are going to make a GREAT Trophy Husband, some day . . .

Knowing she’s not about to teach some “Fake Literacy Class” at the prison, Juliet dashes off, nervously.  Back at prison (They must have some PRETTY LENIENT policies, regarding Visiting Hours and Use of Cellphones there!), Juliet tells her Derelict Big Bro that she trusts Nate, and wants to come clean to him, about EVERYTHING.

Her brother says, “That’s cool . . . whatever.”  (And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.)

Surprise, surprise!  Just when Juliet is about to confront Nate about “EVERYTHING,” he gets a call that his father has been gang banged “jumped” at prison.  Moments later, Big Bad Ben uses his Unlimited Prison Texting Plan to text Juliet with the unoriginal, “Did you get the message?”

(Maybe that “Prison Literacy Class” wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all!)

Reverse Psychology for Dummies

Because it’s Monday, Serena is TOTALLY in love with Professor Cab Guy (just like she was TOTALLY in love with Nate .  . . and Dan . . . and Tripp . . . and Carter . . . and Aaron Rose . . . and the entire male population of Paris . . .)  But when her Mommy, Lily (she of the 18,000 marriages). . .

 . . . sees her daughter reading Professor Cab Guy’s business book, she is shocked to learn that her daughter can actually read thrilled that Serena is finally taking an interest in academics.  Serena, of course, doesn’t have the heart to tell her mother the truth — that her and her mom are EXACTLY alike — namely, Rich and Pretty but Dumb as Dog Poopy.

And so, the younger Miss van der Woodsen goes along with the ruse.  At least until this happens . . .

OOPS!

Lily, of course, is upset that her daughter is back to her Majorly Slutty ways, and can clearly give two figs about getting an education.  But . . . all hope is not lost!  Because Lily has an IDEA!

You see, she’s been looking at the pictures in reading Professor Cab Guy’s book, specifically the chapter on “Reverse Psychology,” and, doggonit, she’s going to use that on Serena!

(Riiiiiiiight, because this 40-something woman, educated at Brown, head of Bass Industries, married to millions of people dollars, has NEVER heard of or used reverse psychology before . . .)

Anyway, Lily starts telling Serena all this mean stuff, which, quite honestly is TOTALLY TRUE!  She tells Serena that Professor Cab Guy will make her rich, so she should go for it.  Plus, she’s too pretty to have to worry about “hard” mundane things like “getting an education.”  So, why bother?  Besides, Trophy Wives are AWESOME!

Serena, of course, being the Mental Midget she is, totally falls for this, and escapes the party, during Professor Cab Guy’s SUPER cheesy, “I’d give up bachelorhood for the right woman,” speech. 

Unable to resist, however, Serena visits Professor Cab Guy at his office to screw him talk.  Together, they agree that she should take Psychology of Business or Whatever, with him as teacher.  Then, when that’s all over and done with, she can finally become the Hot Trophy Wife he so desperately desires!

Love the Way You Lie . . .

When Chuck hears what happened at Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which he TOTALLY orchestrated, by the way), he offers to “help” Jenny, by arranging another run in with Tim at the “Boom Boom Room,” where Blair and Co. just so happen to be.  Jenny agrees to attend. 

However, when Jenny DOES get to speak to Tim Gunn, he let’s it slip that Chuck got her the interview . . .

Infuriated that she has managed to get herself in the middle of Chuck’s and Blair’s foreplay, ONCE AGAIN, Little J fights back, by calling BOTH of their bluffs. 

“I’m BAAAACK!”

Moments later, out shoots a new Gossip Girl blast detailing just WHO exactly popped Little J’s cherry.  Chuck and Blair are, understandably, both humiliated.  (After all, who the heck would want people to know you slept with / were cheated on with an Evil Raccoon Zombie?) 

And, I have to say, it was nice to see Chuck and Blair together, on the same side, sharing the same emotion — even if it was Little J who caused it.  But then, Dan pops Little J’s Black Cloud of Joy, by informing her that just a single day on the Upper East Side has made her EVIL again.  (Not to mention, it further damaged her already miserable reputation.)

And so, Jenny decides the Upper East Side might not be the best place for her.

And yet, just when I’m ready to LITERALLY throw the book at Jenny, she has to go and say something to Chuck and Blair that (almost) changes my opinion about her in . . . gulp . . . positive way. 

“You two used to be in love.  Together, you were invincible.  Now, it is just a matter of time before your mutual destruction,” remarks a Newly Sage Jenny.

Jenny’s surprisingly wise words, strike a chord with Chuck, who visits Blair at her house that very night. 

“If we keep going like this, we are both going to end up dead,” Chuck begins.  “What happened between us . . . it was no one’s fault . . . it was fate . . . it could have been different.  We are holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  But . . . we don’t have to.  Truce?”

Chuck extends his hand to Blair.  Tentatively, she takes it.   The moment their hands touch a current of lust and electricity, rushes through both their bodies.  They hold hands for just a moment too long, staring intently at one another.   Then, they abruptly pull away . . .

The door to Blair’s apartment closes, as Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” plays in the background.  A more perfect song for this scene could not have been chosen . . .

Before I move on to the final portion of this recap, I just have two words (one a contraction) that I’d like to share with my fellow Chair fans: We’re BAAACK! 🙂

In Other News . . .

Jenny left town! 8) (for now . . .)

A tearful Juliet broke up with Nate to “save him” from the wrath of Big Bad Ben.  However, Nate wrongly assumed that Juliet dumped him, due to her embarrassment over dating a “Dude Who’s Dad’s in Prison.”  So, Nate kind of told her off.  (Not that she didn’t deserve to be told off, mind you — just . . . not for that reason.)

Oh, and THIS GUY?

He’s TOTALLY the “Big Brain” behind Juliet’s and Psycho Ben’s Stalker Games! (See, I knew nobody could REALLY like Serena for her “personality!”)

That’s all I’ve got, folks.  As for next week?  I have three words for you all: HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX!  😉

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

6 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

The One Where Little J Ruins EVERYTHING (and finally leaves)! – A Recap of the Gossip Girl Season Finale “Last Tango, Then Paris”

“You think YOU’RE the Bad Ass, Georgina?  I destroyed the lives of the Entire Cast of Gossip Girl in a SINGLE HOUR (and possibly killed Chuck Bass).  Top that BIATCH!

I don’t think I have ever wanted to do physical harm to a television character as much as I did to Little Jenny Humphrey, while watching tonight’s Season Finale of Gossip Girl, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris.  Seriously, was there anyone on this show whose life she DIDN’T ruin tonight?  (Well . . . maybe Georgina . . . but she doesn’t really count, does she?) 

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at HOW Jenny screwed over each of the show’s main characters, and ultimately escaped on her broomstick, with a whirlwind of evil swirling behind her . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Serena and Dan (and, by extension, Nate and Vanessa, as well as people who hate incest)

When the episode first begins, a needy Jenny is curled up in bed with Nate.  ONCE AGAIN she is wearing that button down shirt that is SUPPOSED to be Nate’s, but it’s so large it could probably fit FIVE Nates and a Chuck in it . . .  Here, I’ll prove it to you.  Check out this screencap of Jenny in that shirt.

I’m sorry . . . It was just too easy.

Anyway, just when the entire fan contingent of Gossip Girl is about to groan “NOT THESE TWO AGAIN,”  in walks Chuck to put us at ease . . .

He explains that he KNOWS Jenny and Nate didn’t do the nasty, because he heard Nate snoring all night, and found a charge on his hotel bill for New Moon on Pay-Per-View.

I imagine we are supposed to presume that Jenny watched this flick on her own, after Nate fell asleep.  And, why not?  After all, our girl Little J OBVIOUSLY identifies with the characters from this Stephenie Meyer tale . . . well, maybe one in particular . . .

Clearly, these two share the same stylist . . .

Anyway, Chuck and Nate throw out some not-so-subtle hints that they want Jenny Bad Weave to . . . LEAVE.  So, back to Brooklyn she heads.  Once she arrives there, she sees this . . .

I just threw up in my mouth a bit, while posting this picture . . .

So, Jenny, being the EVIL TURD she truly is . . .

 . . . decides that, even though Nate has already rejected her about EIGHTY TIMES this season, why not try for EIGHTY ONE?  And because Jenny’s idea of a romantic gesture always seems to land in the “make someone so lonely and miserable that they hate themselves enough to sleep with a slut like me” realm, she decides to snap a picture of the brother /sister sex act and ship it off to Gossip Girl herself. 

After completing the dastardly deed, Little J escapes the apartment, just in time for Serena and Dan to wake up and have one of those awkward and super annoying “Oh it really doesn’t mean anything that we made out.  Let’s not tell anyone.  We’re just friends . . . blah blah blah” babbling conversations that characterized ALL of their dialogue together from SEASON ONE!  (Please don’t put us through this again, Gossip Girl!  I beg you!)

And then it came time for Dan and Serena to receive the Gossip Girl blasts featuring their “bro-sis mance” (grossmance?).  There were two things I LOVED about this scene!  (1) Dan is supposed to be this really smart guy right?  So, why did he not IMMEDIATELY figure out that Jenny had taken the picture of him.  Just how many people HAVE the keys to his Brooklyn apartment, anyway?

“Maybe it was that half-brother they randomly gave me during Season 2?  You know, the one also related to Serena?”

(2) When Dan DOES solve the Mystery of the Phantom Photo Snap, he does so because Jenny has left her disposable cup of coffee on the table . . . and it HAS HER NAME ON IT! 

Why did Jenny feel the need to write her name on this cup, when she was the ONLY ONE getting coffee?  Was she getting drinks for her imaginary friends too, and feared that she would accidentally mix up the lattes? 

Unintentional hilarity aside, seeing as BOTH Serena and Dan were currently involved in other relationships at the time of their . . . whatever the heck it was they actually did . . .  in the words of Ricky Riccardo . . .

“You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Serena confronts Nate and explains that “nothing happened” between her and Dan.  And Nate forgives her . . . RIGHT AWAY.  Their sex must be REALLY good to merit this kind of mindless acceptance on Nate’s part . . . just saying.

(Insert lewd euphemism for sex here)

Later, Nate conveniently overhears Serena and Dan having the EXACT SAME conversation they had at the beginning of the episode (That’s what these two do together, they TALK . . . A LOT!  Serena and Dan talk, about as much as Serena and Nate screw.)  This time, Nate, upon learning that the “nothing” that happened between Serena and Dan actually included a kiss, grows a pair, and actually gets pissed off.  So, what does he do?  He e-mails Vanessa in Haiti to tell her what happened.  And it seems like she’s going to DUMP DAN . . .

 . . . so that he can feel free to pursue Serena . . .

“But wait!”  You say!  “He can’t do that!”  You exclaim!  She’s related to him still dating Nate!  Right, see here’s the thing.  EVEN AFTER Nate found out that Serena played tonsil hockey with Dopey Dan, HE STILL FORGAVE HER!  This guy is a SAINT (or just really likes good sex, whichever you prefer)!  But then, get this, SERENA DUMPS HIM!

Why, you ask?  Would you believe her explanation includes phrases like, “I need to find out who I am,” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “Single Ladies” on Gossip Girl, but I actually kind of like Serena and Nate together!  They’re sexy!  And I’d certainly rather have them with eachother than with anyone else (cough cough Dan, cough, Jenny, cough, Vanessa).  So, this contrived breakup between them, for seemingly no reason at all, bugged me a bit.  And if the reason was to help Serena couple with Dan, it bothers me even MORE!

Anywhoo . . . on to the REAL JUICY stuff . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Chuck and Blair (and, by extension, the ENTIRE GG – Watching POPULATION!)

So, if you recall, last week Chuck “Affair to Remember”-ed Blair . . .

  . . . telling her that if she did not meet him at the top of the Empire State Building by 7:01 p.m., he would “close his heart to her forever.”

Now, initially, Blair is determined NOT TO GO!  And to prove it, she drags along wet blanket “Cameron” (I can’t believe this guy made it through THREE episodes already!  All he seems to do is follow Blair around silently, while she bitches people out and moons over Chuck!) . . .

“Yeah, but I just got my SAG card.  Who’s laughing now?”

 . . . and Poor Dorota, who is looking SO INCREDIBLY pregnant they practically have to roll the poor girl out of the limo.   It’s just plain cruel.  (And don’t you love how wet blanket Cameron was 100% OK with having a “chaperone” on his date?  What is with all these boys being such wimps this week?)

While Blair is trying to keep her mind occupied with purportedly “non-Chuck” related things, like telling off Jenny (if only she knew), and telling off Dan, fate seems to keep pulling her in another direction entirely.  Babblepuss Dan starts talking about “signs,” presumably in reference to himself and Serena (ick).   Blair is initially skeptical.  “Signs are for the religious, the stupid and the lower class,” she retorts angrily.

But then she sees this . . .

And suddenly, she knows what she has to do . . . meet THIS GUY!

 Sigh!

(The truly weird thing about this, is that I’m pretty sure Cameron was there THE WHOLE TIME Blair was having her epiphany . . .) 

Just when Blair is about to head off to the Empire State Building and reunite with Chuck . . . of course, Dorota’s water has to go and break.  So, now the crew (Cameron included) are headed to the hospital, instead of to the Empire State Building.  And this is when I start literally SCREAMING at my television.  “TEXT HIM BLAIR!  TELL HIM YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!  HELLO?  IVY LEAGUE GIRL!  PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP!” 

But I guess, if she did that, there wouldn’t be much of a story next season, right?

Name: Blair Waldorf; Age: 19; IQ: 155 (98% of episodes); 60 (season finale episodes)

So, Blair heads off to the hospital, to help Dorota deliver her baby.  And it’s Dorota (who, thankfully, is holding on to Blair’s extra IQ points for safe keeping), who tells “Mees Blair” to go meet up with Chuck ASAP.  Blair dashes off, and heads directly to the Empire State Building.

 But when she reaches the top, she’s devastated to find that Chuck has left.  The bouquet of flowers in the trash is a telltale sign to Blair that she has inadvertently broken Chuck’s heart (which could have been avoided, if she JUST texted him!)  We cut back to to the Bass apartment where Chuck is drowning his sorrows in booze, as per usual.  And of course, in comes Evil Jenny, needy and vulnerable, also as per usual, and ready to sink her claws into Chuck. 

Hey Gossip Girl writers!  Remember this?  It’s from the pilot.  You know when Chuck tried to DATE RAPE Jenny?  This is just one of the many reasons, any sort of hookup between them WON’T EVER WORK!

Jennny and Chuck begin knocking back the booze and muttering their respective “woe is me” tales to themselves.  Next thing you know, they are MAKING OUT!

And it is SO not sexy, I can’t even describe it.  Then, we see them in bed together.  And as a consolation prize for taking her V card, Chuck invites Jenny to stay the night.  But just when I was about to start banging my head against the coffee table, in walked Blair, carring the “trashed” flowers, as proof that she had, in fact, been up to the Empire State Building.

Blair FINALLY explains why she was late in arriving at the important destination.  In a sweet, if slightly sappy, scene, Blair admits to Chuck that she loves him, and wants to be with him, regardless of the inherent obstacles in their relationship.  (Jenny, thankfully, slips out the back, unseen.)  Chuck and Blair then embrace.  And if you listened real hard at that moment, you could hear the collective AWWWW heard round the world . . .

But back in HELL, SOMEONE is already plotting their revenge . . .

And despite all my bashing of her, I have to say, when Jenny was crying her heart out to Eric (love him!) because she lost her virginity to Chuck, I couldn’t help but feel just a teensy bit bad for her . . . even though she totally brought it on herself.  Maybe it was because she looked like such a Sad Clown, with those puffy eyes and that mascara running down her face . . .

To Eric’s credit, he DOESN’T tell Dan about Chuck and Jenny, but he DOES tell Dan that Jenny “needs help.”  Although we don’t get to see the exchange, we assume that Jenny admitted her indiscretion to Dan and Dan was MAD!

Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck are walking together, enjoying their re-coupledom, when Chuck pulls THIS out of his pocket . . .

Pretty right?  But am I the only one who thought it would be . . . BIGGER?  After all, this IS Chuck Bass we’re talking about.

“Will you . . .” Chuck begins . . . and then Dan appears out of nowhere and decks him!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Sad Clown Jenny comes clomping in behind him. 

Blair takes one look at the situation and knows instantly what happened.  Unfortunately, Chuck cannot deny it.  He tries in vain to explain that he thought Blair had dumped him forever, and that’s why he did it.  But Blair doesn’t want to hear it.  And, frankly, as much as I love these two together, I can’t blame her.  She tells Jenny to leave the city or she will make her life miserable.  And Jenny complies!

Little J is purportedly heading down to live with her mother in Connecticut.  And I couldn’t help but think that, if the writers hadn’t made her character so gosh darn unlikeable (not to mention unstylish), this would have been the perfect opportunity to give Jenny that spinoff the show’s producers have always been talking about.  You know, the one based on that OTHER book series, written by the author of Gossip Girl, which just so happens to revolve around the Jenny Humphrey character – It Girl?

I think if they wanted to do it now, and have fans approve, they’d probably have to add an “SH” to the first word in the title . . . and the FCC just wouldn’t be down with that.

On Week Later

With Little J out of the way, the last few moments of the episode provide us with a glimpse of how our favorite Upper East Siders will be spending the summer . . .

Serena and Blair will be jetting off to Paris . . .

Super Sexy Nate ( admittedly, looking a bit less than sexy in his “farmer flannel” shirt from this episode) will be taking Chuck Bass’s place as the Upper East Side’s self-destructive and slutty bad boy, hooking up with random chicks, drinking hard, and not caring about anything or anyone.  Oooh! Mommy like!  I’ve been waiting for a “Nate’s Dark Side” storyline for awhile now . . . and it looks like I am about to get my wish!

Oh,  and Georgina came back . . .and she’s PREGNANT!

(And wearing Jenny’s weave from the looks of it.  I’m REALLY  hoping this isn’t a dye job.  For starters, it’s ugly.  For “finishers,” aren’t pregnant people not supposed to use hair dye?)

Anyway, guess who the dad is . . . Here’s a hint!

Baby’s First Text to Gossip Girl:  “I made a poopy diaper!”

I guess I don’t have to tell you what DAN will be doing this summer . . .

But it wasn’t until the final moments of the episode that the POO really hit the fan!  You see . . . Chuck . . .

 . . . was wandering drunkenly through a “bad” part of town (a.k.a. anything that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . or Upper West Side), when he gets mugged by some thugs.  At first, Chuck plays it smart, not fighting back, allowing them to take his wallet and watch.  But when they take the ring he bought for Blair, he suddenly finds himself overcome with emotion and begins to struggle.  Gun shots ring out, and suddenly the thugs are running away with the ring, while Chuck lies unconscious on the floor, blood seeping from a deep bullet wound in his stomach. 

And despite the fact that I can’t IMAGINE the writers would actually EVER kill off Chuck, unless they wanted the show to die right along with him, it was still an intensely emotional scene.  Well played Westwick!

All in all, it was a pretty exciting finale — a satisfying end to a mixed bag of a season — with much promise of better things to come in Season 4.  Thanks to all of you who have read my recaps, despite their length and high snarkiness quotient.  All joking and character bashing aside, I really do love this show.  I will definitely miss it this summer.  You can bet I will be spending plenty of time over at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair getting my GG fix, during those long hiatus months . . .

XOXO!

15 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

Those darn kids! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Ex-Husbands and Wives”

In tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang banded together to “save” one of their own (Serena) from a common enemy.  Unfortunately, not everyone was playing for keeps.  Bet you can’t guess which member of our Scooby Crew was being a total b&tch?

When the episode begins, Serena is helping Blair pick out an outfit for her date with . .  . well according to IMDB, his name was “Cameron,” but I couldn’t have told you that, without cheating and looking it up.  If you recall, “Cameron” was the guy Blair almost kissed a couple of episodes ago at that Brooklyn party, to make Chuck jealous.  IMDB also told me that the actor who plays him is Ben Yanette.

He’s the one pictured above who isn’t Blair . . . the one wearing the Mr. Rogers sweater . . .

And while “Cameron” was cute in a sort of bland way, to the writers’ credit, they didn’t make any bones about the fact that this dull dude isn’t going to be around for the long haul.  (I mean, come on, he was on a first date with Blair Waldorf, and he talked about “rugby.”  Who does that?)   So, anyway, even though Serena is supposed to be helping Blair prepare for her date, in true van der Woodsen fashion, she finds a way to make this all about her.  “I found out that Rufus is cheating on my mom with our neighbor,” Serena whines.

Blair tries to be supportive of her friend.  However, she clearly has misgivings about Serena’s supposition.  “No way would another Upper East Sider schtup Rufus,” asserts Blair later, when talking to Nate and Dan.  (Way to go Blair, using the Yiddish!)  “What?  My stepdad’s Jewish!”  Blair explains, when Nate and Dan look at her, as if she just told them she enjoys shopping for clothes at Walmart.

“Schtup? Is that like a new fashion designer or something?  Think he has a men’s line?”

Back in Brooklyn, a grounded and very gothy looking, Jenny is chatting on the phone with Chuck.  The two are plotting to prove that the pills Dr. van der Woodsen is prescribing to Lily are not pills typically used to cure cancer.  Jenny, of course, had figured this out, last week, by doing a websearch using the search engine that is clearly the CW’s biggest sponsor.  After all, it appears at least once on literally EVERY CW show.

Bing . . .  the only search engine clinically proven to cure cancer.

So, Rufus catches Jenny chatting with Chuck and takes her phone away.  So, Jenny makes some lame excuse about not having her “stuff” with her, and sends Rufus traipsing to La Casa de van der Woodsen like the big wimp he is, to retrieve Jenny’s personal belongings.  When Rufus arrives, he runs into Serena, who tells him to leave, in no uncertain terms.  Conveniently, the ENTIRE van der Woodsen / Humphrey clan (and Nate – What was he doing there?) are here to witness this exchange.  When pressed as to why she is being such a total ass to Rufus, Serena explains that she believes him to be “schtupping” the neighbor, whose name is Holland (And if there was ever a name reserved JUST for rich and snobby people . . . that’s the one.)

But at least they have nice tulips . . .

So, Brilliant Rufus gets the fabulous idea to bring Holland down to the apartment to set things straight.

  . . . rhymes with Doofus.

So, of course, Holland . . .

 . . . repeats to virtually the entire cast of Gossip Girl (and special guest star, William Baldwin)  . . .

Was it just me, or did he look HOTTER during this episode, for some reason?

 . . . the same thing she told Serena last week, “I totally schtupped Rufus.”  (OK, she didn’t exactly say it like that.  But she should have.)

Most of the cast looks shocked by Slutty McNeighbor Holland’s admission. 

 But Serena and Dr. VDW seem to be having a particularly difficult time hiding the sh*t-eating grins from their faces.

Separately, bromantic buddies, Nate and Dan, and worst-prospective-couple EVER (hint, hint GG writers) Chuck and Jenny, decide to hunt down Holland . . .

Last time, I promise . . .

 . . . and expose her for the fraud they know she is.  Both groups also decide that they need an “expert” to do their dirty work for them.  Who is this expert, you’re wondering?

Duh!

(By the way, I’m not typically a girl who obsesses over television fashions, but Leighton Meester had the best wardrobe EVER for this episode.  There wasn’t one thing she wore that I wouldn’t purchase . . . if I could actually afford it . . . which I can’t.)

Jenny and Chuck approach Blair for help first, and she turns them down.  After all, she’s still pissed at Chuck for pimping her out to the EVIL Jack Bass, a few weeks back.  And Jenny . . . well, she just pretty much thinks Jenny sucks.  Fortunately, Nate and Dan fare a bit better in their quest, and Blair agrees to help them.  With the entire Scooby crew now fully in tact, the group head down to Holland’s office, because apparently she’s a psychiatrist of some sort.  (I could have sworn that the first time Rufus met Holland, she told him she was a house wife.  But maybe I’m wrong.) 

As it turns out, it was Holland who prescribed the pills for Lily.  And the pills were NOT for curing cancer, but for curing some other ailment entirely.  Apparently, Holland also had the pills repackaged into “cancer pill” bottles, so that Lily wouldn’t be suspicious.  Not that she would be, anyway.  I get the impression that, like Doofus, Lily-brain isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

“But at least I’m pretty!”

Why did Holland do this, you ask?  Well, apparently, she owed Dr. VDW a “favor” i.e. he had something on her, and blackmailed her ass.  I imagine she also wanted to ACTUALLY schtup Rufus, instead of just pretending to do it.  Although, publicly calling your crush out as an adulterer is not exactly the recipe for starting a healthy relationship . . .

Now, it was up to the Upper East Side Scooby Crew to expose Dr. VDW as the Big Fat (but kind of hot for a middle-aged dude) Liar that he was.  And, because it wouldn’t be Gossip Girl without a random fancy party, the group decides to make their move at some library charitable event thing.  The plan?  Corner Holland with the information they have against her and make her squeal like a pig. 

(BTW, there was a cute scene, where Chuck and Blair approach the shrink, under the guise of seeking relationship adivce, and REALLY tell her their actual problems with one another.  It didn’t further the plot along all that much, but it was nice to see these two working off one another, and being funny together again.)

What the Scooby Crew didn’t count on?  Little J going all Benedict Arnold on them . . .

Jenny’s sudden change of heart and rationale for suddenly WANTING VDW to succeed in his plan to singlehandedly drug her stepmom and RUIN her dad’s relationship, was a bit unclear.  Perhaps, Little J finally realized that her unfortunate wardrobe, untenable weave, and racoon-inspired makeup style . . .

Little J is having a bad day . . .

 . . . were never really going to cut it on the Upper East Side.   Anyway, Jenny hides the evidence against Dr. VDW, and warns him to take his family and ditch the party, before Holland can squeal on him.  Crafty Dr. VDW plans an impromptu trip to Bali on “medical emergency.”  However, before the van der Woodsens can get out of dodge, Scooby Gang comes to expose him.  Dr. VDW excuses himself, promising to return with evidence to prove his innocence, but instead, heads to the airport, leaving a very depressed Serena waiting for him alone in the lobby.

Now, I’ll never get to meet Alec or Stephen . . .

As if plotting against Serena’s “happy” family reunion, wasn’t enough, Good Ole Nate hammers the final nail into the coffin containing his relationship with Serena, by calling the cops on Dr. VDW.

Sorry, I just really wanted to use this picture again . . .

When Serena confronts Dr. VDW at the airport, he comes clean to her, explaining how he had actually treated Lily, back when she came to visit him, but fell in love with her again, in the process.  He did all this bad stuff, because he thought it would be the only way Lily would let him back into her life.  Dr. VDW then has the gall to ask Serena to come away with him.   And, I’m sorry, but it really sounds more like a sex proposition than anything else. 

(Sidenote:  Billy Baldwin really grew on me throughout his guest appearance.   He’s cute and a good actor.  And I definitely started to like him better than Snoozy Rufus.  And yet, I couldn’t help but feel like he was interpreting some of his lines in a “hit on Blake Lively” sort of way.)

Serena refuses to “escape” with him, telling him, “I don’t forgive you.” 

However, she does care about him enough to tell him to fly away, before the PoPo arrive.  And fly away he does.  Then Serena returns to her limo to find none other than Snoozy Dan waiting with a boring shoulder for her to cry on.  But is he there for moral support, or something more?

Good lord, not again!  You do realize you two are STILL related.  Don’t you?

At the end of the episode, Chuck and Blair share a sweet and quiet, albeit slightly contrived, scene that will undoubtedly lead us into next week’s finale, entitled Last Tango, then Paris . . .

Chuck tries to get Blair to admit that she “felt something” for him when the two were playing “couple” at the party.  Blair denies it.  So, he gives her an ultimatum.  “Meet me at the top of the Empire State Building, at 7:00 p.m.  If you are not there by 7:01, I will close my heart to you forever.”

“You can’t affair to remember me,” remarks Blair.

But Affair to Remember her, Chuck does.  And it was a sweet gesture.  Although, I am not exactly sure why Chuck specifically chose 7:00pm as the couple’s meeting time.  I actually never saw Affair to Remember (I’m a big disappointment to “Girl Kind,” I know).  But I’m wondering if that was the time they were supposed to meet in the movie?  If not, my best guess is that Chuck is big Jeopardy fan . . .

 . . . and if he’s about to get dumped, the last thing he wants to do is miss his favorite show, on account of it.

Although Blair initially seems immune to Chuck’s charms, Chair fans can’t help but notice that she looks longingly up at the Empire State Building, as snoozy “Cameron” talks about rugby, during the final moments of the episode.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Jenny ran away from home . . .  AGAIN.  This time, it looks like she’s staying at Chuck’s and Nate’s place, which is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!

That’s all folks.  See ya next week, for the big Season Finale.  Can’t wait that long?  Head to Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for all your finale and spoiler needs.

XOXO

3 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Vanessa & Dan-itive (a.k.a. My Gossip Girl Season 4 Wish List)

 

Greetings fellow GG fans!  Can you believe there are only TWO more episodes left, before Season 3 draws to a close, and our favorite Upper East Siders ride off into the sunset (most likely to the Hamptons) for summer hiatus?  (The season finale episode, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris, is scheduled to air on May 17th on the CW.)

“OMFG, S!  That TV Recapper Girl is staring at us again!  Doesn’t she know we’re on vacation?” 

As the summer months will definitely be long, hot, and lonely, without my wealthy and stylish New York friends to party with on Monday nights, I thought it might be fun, just this once, in lieu of my usual weekly recap, to peer into my crystal ball into Gossip Girl‘s future, a.k.a Season 4.

Here’s the thing . . . I’ve been a fan of Gossip Girl pretty much since it started, which was back in 2007.   (Sheesh, I can’t believe it’s actually been that long!  I feel OLD!).  When you’ve been with a show for that long, you can’t help but become invested in its characters and storylines.  You also can’t help but form some REALLY STRONG opinions on which aspects of the show you think work, and which . . . well . . . don’t.  So, without further adieu, here is my Wish List of Ten Things I’d Like to See More (or Less) of during Season 4 of Gossip Girl .  . .

1) More C&B Moments!

This one is so obvious, it almost goes without saying.  But, of course, I am going to say it anyway.  As far as I am concerned, Chuck and Blair are, and have always been, the true heart and soul of Gossip Girl.  Every time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick are on screen together, their explosive on-screen presences and undeniable sexual chemistry are so intense, that I sometimes fear that their collective “heat” will burn a hole in my television set.  Check out this SMOKING HOT fan video of the pair, if you don’t believe me!

Early on in Season 3, Chuck and Blair fell into that WAY TOO common trap suffered by many of television’s great super couples.  Here’s how it goes. . .  You have these two sexy characters that are TOTALLY hot for eachother.  But, for one reason or another, they can’t couple.  (Maybe one of them is dating someone else.  Maybe the two are pretending to hate one another.  Or maybe each member of the pair is simply too proud to admit their true romantic feelings, out of fear of hurt or rejection.)  In Chuck’s and Blair’s case, it was ALL OF THE ABOVE!

So, FINALLY the Season Finale comes.  And the writers give fans what they have been clamoring for since the first episode, a dramatic event that throws the two unrequited lovers together and FORCES them to admit their feelings for one another.  Fans rejoice!  Pause and rewind buttons are worn out on television sets, as “shippers” replay the sexy satisfying moment of coupling OVER AND OVER AGAIN!  DVDs of the Season are preordered en-mass, JUST so people can rewatch the finale.  Fangirl blog posts are written in ALL CAPS with lots of smiley face emoticons!

Then the following Season begins and the pair is now a COUPLE.  And the writers are stumped as to what to do with these fan favorites.  So, first, they give the new couple a lot of makeout and sex scenes to appease the fans.  Then they throw the pair into ridiculous situations, just so the two can fight with one another, and somehow be involved in the story.  But the “fights” seem lame and contrived, and the loyal fans don’t buy into them for one second.  These fans soon grow bored with the same people they once tuned in week after week to see.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  And it happened to Chuck and Blair.

But now that the two have broken up (but obviously still care for one another), the writers have an EXCELLENT opportunity to rebuild the angst and sexual tension Chuck and Blair once had.  There can ONCE AGAIN be longing looks, and ALMOST sex moments!  There can be sexy “I want to rip your clothes off, because you infuriate me so much,” bickering.  And there can be the inevitable jealousy that arises when one of the pair tries in vain to “move on.”

You have the power to REALLY make this work GG writers, so DON’T SCREW IT UP!  Don’t instantly throw Chuck and Blair into random and unfulfilling relationships with new characters we don’t care about, or old characters we don’t like that much (cough, Jenny, cough).  Curious as to how to fill Chuck’s and Blair’s time while they are single and, once again, longing for one another, writers?   #5 on this list, should help you out there . . .

2) DOWN WITH DAN AND VANESSA!

“Hey Vanessa, what are you watching?” 

“The Chuck and Blair parts of our show.”

“Cool, let’s do that for the remainder of our screen time.  Maybe it will make us more interesting .  . .”

People who read my recaps might get the idea that I HATE Dan and Vanessa.  I don’t (or at least, I didn’t).  You know when I liked Dan and Vanessa?  Back during Season 1, when they were the poor kids, thrown in with a bunch of rich kids they didn’t like and felt morally superior to.  Because Dan and Vanessa were different than the rest of the GG crew.  They were snarky, and not as well-dressed, and a bit less attractive (Sorry guys!).  So when they made fun of Serena, Nate, Chuck and Blair, you laughed with them, and related to them.  Then the writers got the “great” idea to incorporate Dan and Vanessa into the gang.  They even made Dan RICH! 

“Yo, Jeeves!  I called you TWO WHOLE minutes ago!  Where the F is my limo?  I’d rather DIE than ride the subway!”

What’s worse?  They took these two GREAT sidekicks,  and not only put them center stage, but put them center stage TOGETHER!  Why?  Vanessa and Dan are practically the SAME PERSON!  They are both artsy fartsy, self-righteous, outsiders, who prefer talking about art and literature to partying and having sex.  How can such people even exist on a show like Gossip Girl AT ALL?  Let alone take up 15 minutes of screentime each week .  . .

The TV version of a sleeping pill . . .

Now, I’m not saying to get rid of Dan and Vanessa ALTOGETHER (Although, seeing as the writers just shipped Vanessa off to Haiti, they may, ultimately, have decided to do just that).  I’m simply saying keep them as snarky sidekicks.  Let them give sage advice to our less “level-headed characters.”  Let them provide a grounded sense of realism to the show (as long as such grounded realism lasts under 7 minutes . . .).  Gossip Girl is supposed to be about ostentation, fashion, gorgeous people, bad immoral behavior and teenage angst.  Mature cast members need not apply.  Which leads me to #3 on this list . . .

3) Ix-Nay on the Parental Units’ Storylines, Por Favor!

OK, this one is probably going to sound a little ageist.  But just as I am not cool with Dan and Vanessa eating up twenty minutes of perfectly good GG screentime, nor am I copacetic with that same screentime being devoured by:  Lily van der Woodsen, Dr. van der Woodsen, Rufus Humphrey (and/or that slutty neighbor chick who wants in his pants), Eleanor Waldorf, and Cyrus Rose.  I would, however, make an exception for the Dead Bart Bass . . .

This guy is just too cool!

Look, I’ll be the first to admit it.  There are PLENTY of great shows out there that revolve around the “Over 40” set.  Like, for example, Desperate Housewives or The Golden Girls.

Gossip Girl just ISN’T one of those shows . . .  It’s on the CW, for crying out loud – The NETWORK for late teen, and early twenty-something angst!  Now, I know these teens DO have parents.  And I am not expecting the show to convert said parents into off-screen incoherent buzzing sounds, a la Charlie Brown. . .

 . . . nor should they be just a pair of “feet,” like The Nanny in The Muppet Babies.

All I’m saying, is I don’t need to be informed EVERY time Lily is propositioned by one of her many, many, MANY aging bachelors.  And I don’t need to see that furrowed brow look that Rufus gets every time he feels “insecure.”  Enough is enough!

4) Fire Little J’s Stylist!

(Self explanatory)

5) Bring Back Scheming Blair and Self-Destructive Chuck!

Earlier in this post, I suggested that the writers keep Chuck and Blair single and hot for eachother during most of Season 4.  I also suggested that I would provide the writers with guidance, as to how to keep the characters’ busy during those long uncoupled months.  Here it is!  Gossip Girl was never about “good behavior.”  We love our characters best when they are being naughty!  So, enough of all of this maturity!  Let Chuck get self-destructive, drunk, and slutty with random girls.  Let Blair scheme and connive to get what she wants and to get revenge against those who double cross her.  Better yet, let these two awesomely adorable baddies self-destructively scheme and connive TOGETHER, like they did during Season 1!

6) Get thee to Columbia, GO!

When a high school show transitions into a college show, it is typically a make or break time for the series.  Lesser shows have failed in making the transition, but Gossip Girl did a fairly good job of it.  The writers managed to keep all of the characters in NYC and, therefore, relevant to the series, while not falling into the “they should all go to the same college” trap, into which other shows have fallen.  For example, it makes total sense, that the non-academically inclined Chuck, and the under achieving, Slutty Serena would not attend school at all, while the born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth Nate would be able to use his lineage to get into an Ivy League school.  However, I can’t say I’ve been all that pleased with the show’s portrayal of NYU.

Having taken summer classes at NYU, I am happy to report that it’s a fine establishment, no where near the lame artsy fartsy place it’s portrayed as on the show.  Now that BOTH Nate and Blair are attending Columbia on the Upper West side, the writers have a BRILLIANT opportunity to portray a second college in a more realistic way than they portrayed the first.  The change of scenery might be nice too . . .

7) “New York . .  .  it’s streets will make you feel brand new.  It’s lights will inspire you.”  USE IT!

As someone who works in NYC, I generally love Gossip Girl’s glamorous and CLEAN portrayal of my city.  However, they keep showing us the SAME TWO BLOCKS!  NYC is a vast playground, in which our favorite characters can thrive and play.  Take advantage, writers!  Wouldn’t you LOVE, for example, to see Blair muck it up in the not always so classy, Times Square?  Or watch Serena get laid in the Bronx?  Because I WOULD!

8 ) Put the “F” back in OMFG!

I absolutely ADORED the “OMFG” Gossip Girl campaign that jump started Season 2 of the show.  After all, how could you possibly top posters like these?

Except, lately, I feel like the show has gotten a bit .  . . how do I say this . . . TAME!  So, here’s a tip for the writers: in Season 4, try to include at least one OMFG (slutty) moment per every 20 minutes of Gossip Girl.    You get extra bonus points if the slutty scene in question involves Chuck and / or Blair.

9) Little Eric . . . BIG Backstory!

In last week’s GG installment, “It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World,” the chronically underwritten Eric van der Woodsen really got a chance to shine.  And fans FINALLY got to see Connor Paolo flex his acting chops.  The episode also gently reminded us that ERIC TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE back in Season 1!  Why did he do this?  What made him so depressed?  I would really love to see this storyline explored (possibly through flashbacks) during Season 4.  And I think Mr. Paolo is up for the challenge . . .

10) If Nate only had a brain (and a decent storyline) . . .

It’s no secret that Chace Crawford is easy on the eyes.  But I THINK he can actually ACT too.  Although, you wouldn’t really know this from watching Gossip Girl, of late.  In recent episodes, it seems as though Nate’s only function is be the sex toy for whatever lady happens to desire his “services” at the moment.  If GG was a porno (and sometimes I wonder if it is), Nate would be the Pizza Delivery Guy.

Earlier in this post, I saved you writers A LOT of screentime by nixing storylines for Dan, Vanessa, and the Upper East Side Parental Units (except for, of course, Awesomely Dead Bart Bass).  Let’s fill some of that screentime with a meaty Nate storyline — perhaps, one that doesn’t involve him taking his clothes off at the the first opportunity . . .

There you have it GG fans, my Wish List for Season 4 of Gossip Girl.  Oh, and if, by chance, you happen to be experiencing GG-related withdrawal symptoms this summer, I recently came across an EXCELLENT Gossip Girl blog site, that will be sure to satisfy all of your OMFG needs.  Here’s the link:

http://chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com/

The writers of the site are VERY nice, and will be happy to assist you. (Just don’t mention the whole “Chenny” thing to them.  You might make them angry . . .  ;))

XOXO

6 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

Make Room for Daddy (and Jenny) : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Dr. Estrangeloved”

Uh, oh . . .

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Tonight’s GG installment touted the return of many things us fans may or may not have been missing from Seasons past: (1) a wasted, shaggy-haired, self-destructive, and generally D-baggy Chuck . . .

So HOT!

 . . . (2) an uber slutty, gothed out, stringy-haired, man-stealing Little J . . .

So NOT!

 . . . and (3) a formerly absentee daddy, who kind of, sort of,  makes a pass at his own biological daughter

So CREEPY!

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Little Girl Lost (Bad Hair Found)

So, apparently, while Serena has been MIA searching for her not-so-proud papa, Jenny and Nate have been getting mighty chummy.  She’s been crashing at his place, sleeping in his bed (He sleeps on the couch), and supposedly wearing his shirt . . .

OK, GG Fashion Department, this is where I call BS.  That shirt Jenny was wearing?  HUGE . . . Nate?

Not so much (still cute though).  The pair was also  involved in some SERIOUS Wii Tennis Tourneys.  And can I just say, if that game is anywhere near as sexy as Chuck described it here (sweaty bodies touching, grunts, groans, and sexual tension galore), I would hereby like to officially add a Wii to my Birthday Wish List . . .

How phallic!

Anyway, Serena texts Nate to let him know she’s back home. So, our boy promptly ditches Little J’s ass.  She sulks unattractively, convinced all hope is lost.  However, EEEVVVIL (and hot) Chuck encourages Jenny to use Serena’s return to her advantage, by trying to drive a wedge between the happy couple.  Why did Chuck suggest this you ask?  Well, if you recall, last week Blair dumped his butt.  So, now he’s miserable, and wants everyone else to be miserable too . . . And nothing could make a person more miserable than dating Little J . . .

“I’m misery incarnate!  Yay me!”

Jenny takes Chuck’s advice, stealing Nate’s shirt (which conveniently has his last name etched in the back – His maid must have done that, because we all KNOW Mama Archibald doesn’t sew!).  Jenny then “accidentally” pulls the shirt out of her purse, when she runs into Serena later that day.  Jenny’s evil plan seems to work, because Nate and Serena quickly start bickering over the shirt, as well as Serena’s recent MIA-ness. 

“I was washing my hair.  Not like Little J!  Her weave is probably waterproof!”

Having so much success the last time, Little J takes Chuck’s advice again by “dressing like someone who doesn’t have a mother” (which she sort of doesn’t), when she accompanies Nate and Chuck to a party in Brooklyn. (Yes, boys and girls, our Upper East Siders actually LEFT the Upper East Side this week  . . . and went somewhere other than the Hamptons.)

When Serena calls Nate on his cell phone, Jenny sparks her ire again, by approaching Nate and — loudly enough so that Serena can hear — suggesting he do shots with her . . .

“Drink these, Nate.  They will lower your standards, and make you forget that I am UNDERAGE!”

When Serena rips Nate a new one over the phone for being out with Little J, Nate gets pissed, and decides he wants to “go back to the apartment and get wasted.”  (Smooth move Nate!  Because liquor and heartbreak always mix SOOO WELL!)  Of course, Jenny goes tromping off after him.  Back at the apartment, Nate is bitching to Little J about Serena.  And Little J takes up the bashing in full force, telling Nate that he deserves better, and that SHE would never treat him that way.  Jenny then pulls Nate in for a kiss, which he rebuffs. And Serena arrives at the apartment, just in time to see the WHOLE THING!

“Not cool Nate.  When I told you to bring someone back to the apartment for a threesome, I assumed you would at least choose someone hot!”

Nate and Serena begin to duke it out, and, through their fighting, they figure out that Jenny orchestrated this whole mess. So, Nate kicks Little J to the curb . . .

 . . . and Serena and Nate kiss and make up (meh!  – At least it’s the lesser of two evils . . .)

World’s Creepiest Dad . . .

Why was Serena all “MIA” from Nate’s life during this episode, you ask?  Well, it turns out she was dealing with family issues.  If you recall, last week, when Serena went to her biological father’s apartment, she found her mother there . . .

Apparently, all this time, Serena’s father has been treating Serena’s mother for cancer.  The pair had temporarily cut ties with their entire family, to keep this a secret from them (which, I’m sorry, seems really weird and unrealistic – I don’t blame Rufus for being skeptical).  Papa van der Woodsen arrives in the Upper East Side to break the news to everyone.  He claims that Lily is in remission now (that was fast!), but he would like to rekindle a relationship with his daughter . . .

OK, here’s the thing . . . I always REALLY liked Billy Baldwin.  In my opinion, he was the hottest Baldwin brother (Alec was the funniest, Stephen was the most religious, Daniel is . . . nevermind).  I even liked him as the sexy sociopathic voyeur in that bizarre Sharon Stone movie, Sliver . . .

And for a middle-aged dude, he still looks pretty good.  My issue here, I think, is with how Billy chose to play this particular role. I’d read in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Mr. Baldwin, that he was kind of offended that GG cast him as Serena’s dad.  After all, in the past, he always played the boyfriend of girls like Serena. 

You know what?  It totally showed.  When Billy asked Serena out to a local restaurant “to chat,”  and, later, when he said to her “let’s get out of here” and have some “banana splits,”  his line deliveries were much more in the vein of a creepy old guy hitting on a teenager, than of an absentee dad trying to reconnect with his daughter.  It totally grossed me out.

Later that evening, the van der Woodsens have yet another family meeting.  It turns out that Lily’s cancer is not  in remission after all.  So Papa van der Woodsen is going to have to stick around for a while.  But is Papa a Big Fat Liar?  His cryptic conversation with a shady pharmacist, at the end of the episode (not to mention next week’s promos), seem to suggest that he is . . .

The Tale of the Relationship Fatwa . . .

Poor Blair!  Recently single and in complete denial of her breakup pain, all she wanted to do was have a hot revenge makeout session with an eligible bachelor.  But EEVVILL Chuck had other plans for her.  When Blair arranges a party with a dozen eligible bachelors from the Upper East Side, not one of them shows up.  Blair knows the reason instantly.  “You put a Relationship Fatwa on me,” she whines to Chuck.

“I did NOT put a Relationship Fatwa on you,” argues Chuck.  “It’s just that no one can measure up to what we had, and I’m not the only one who knows it.” 

(For what it’s worth, I kind of liked the “no one can measure up” line.  I thought it was kind of sweet in a D-bag Chuck way.  But, apparently, he’s used it in past breakups with Blair.  Because when I searched for the quote on Google to try and nail down his exact phasing, I found the same words in recaps for other episodes.  Way to be original, Gossip Girl!)

Anyway, recycled lines aside, Chuck was LYING!  He totally put a Relationship Fatwa on Blair!  He confirms this when he learns Blair is heading to a party in Brooklyn (the same one Jenny and Nate attended). Chuck immediately decides to go to the party, in order to extend the Fatwa across all Five Borroughs! 

At the Brooklyn party, Blair flirts with a student from Columbia (which, if I recall, is where Blair now goes to school, although they seemed to brush over that fact during this episode.  Wouldn’t it have made sense for her to tell this boy that she recently transferred to his college?).  The Ivy League Co-ed is clearly smarter than he looks, because he immediately picks up on all of the glares Blair is throwing in Chuck’s direction.  He tells Blair that he is more than willing to play along, and make out with her, to make Chuck jealous.  But Blair declines.

Huh?

As Blair explains to Chuck at the end of the episode, she needs to properly grieve over the loss of their relationship, before she can make out with random dudes.  “When I kiss another boy, I want it to be for Me,” she explains.  (Boo, hiss Blair!  Don’t you know, you aren’t supposed to be the mature one on this show?  What happened to the bratty, whining, scheming, and 12-year old acting Blair of yesteryear?)

I’ll miss you, Mean Girl!

In Other News . . .

Gossip Girl‘s most boring couple got only slightly more interesting this week, when they both screwed one another over.  You see, apparently, NYU — where, in real life, approximately 20,000 undergraduates are matriculating at any given time — in GG world, has the WORLD’S SMALLEST WRITING PROGRAM EVER – one that only admits ONE PERSON every year.   Riiiight!  Talk about a poorly constructed plot device.  And yet, if it drives a wedge in the middle of this snoozy couple, I say, “Bring it on!”

Anyway, Sleazy Liar Vanessa decided to apply to the program AGAINST Dan, and NOT TELL HIM she was doing it.  And even though the character has NEVER EVER shown ANY interest in writing AT ALL!  She gets in over him.  When Dan finds out, he initially tries to be supportive.  But I’ve faked happy for a friend I was jealous of before, and I know what it looks like . . .

Yup . . . that’s what it looks like.

Fortunately for Dan, the daughter of the Dean of Admissions at Tisch REALLY wants to get in his pants.  So when Dan lets it slip to HER that Vanessa’s application piece might not have been entirely original (He thinks she based it on a short story Dan once wrote), the ho-bag quickly runs to rat Vanessa out to Daddy.  The only problem is . . . Vanessa DID submit an original story, one based on her relationship with Dan (that must have been ONE BORING ASS STORY!)  So, of course, Vanessa finds out what Dan did, and she is PISSED!

Well, that’s all folks!  Tune in next week, when we will most definitely get to see a lot more of this Creepo . . .

 . . .Tighten up that chastity belt, Serena.  You’re gonna need it!

XOXO!

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Gossip Girl

The Psychology of Chuck and Blair: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Unblairable Lightness of Being”

I’ll be the first to admit it.   After last week’s jaw-dropping, OMFG-uttering, dynamo of an episode . . .

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from this week’s installment of Gossip Girl.  And while, “The Unblairable Lightness of Being” certainly wasn’t the most action-packed of episodes,

or the funniest,

or even the sexiest / sluttiest,

it was certainly the smartest.

After all, this was the episode that delved into the complex relationship between Chuck and Blair — capturing every sexy, tragic, intense, magical, conniving, self-sacrificing, mutualistic facet of the coupling, in the course of a single hour.  Oh, and this was also the episode where pregnant Dorota (Blair’s Housekeeper / Surrogate Mommy) finally got MARRIED (and got her own place to live)!

Now if they could just stop making her wear that ridiculous French Maid Halloween costume all the time!  She’s a housekeeper!  WE GET IT!

And Little Eric got a life!  And (maybe) a potential plotline?

Little E = No longer just Little J’s bitch?

And Serena may have finally found her Daddy Dearest!

“There he is!  The one guy on this show, I WON’T be able to sleep with .  . .”

Oh, and did I mention there was NO DAN AND VANESSA STORYLINE?

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

A Nice Day for a White Russian Wedding . . .

When the episode opens, a very preggers Dorota is freaking out because her parents, having heard news of her recent engagement to Vanya the Doorman, have decided to fly out from Russia to visit.  The problem?  Dorota is just a few months shy of popping out one of these . . .

 . . . and her parents have NO IDEA!

When Blair’s mom suggests Dorota pop on over to the Justice of the Peace and nip this thing in the bud, Dorota won’t hear of it.  Apparently, her first marriage was done by a Justice of the Peace, and ended badly.  Therefore, she is determined to have a REAL wedding, complete with all bells and whistles of Russian tradition.

Hey, just like Fiddler on the Roof!  Traditionnnnn!  TRADITION!  Ooooh Ooh Ooh Tradition!

(Sorry . . . I got a bit carried away there . . . )

Anyway, Chuck . . .

“How’s my hair?”

 . . . (Who has TOTALLY been in the doghouse with Blair since he, you know, kinda-sorta prostituted her out to his Uncle, to keep his precious hotel.) decides he needs to make some sort of a grand gesture to win back Blair’s Gucci-encrusted heart.  His grand solution?  To throw money at the problem, of course!  Chuck offers to throw Dorota and Vanya an impromptu traditional Russian Wedding.

AGAIN!  SORRY!  It was just TOO EASY!

This way, by the time Dorota’s parents arrive from Russia, and learn that their baby girl is knocked up, she will already be married. ( RIIIIIGHT!  Because Dorota’s strict parents are going to be THRILLED  that they flew halfway across the WORLD to see their daughter’s wedding, only to learn that she went and got married without them.)  Anyway, blatant stupidity aside, Dorota asks Blair and Chuck to be the “happy couple” that escort Dorota down the aisle, as part of Russian tradition, of course.  (Don’t worry, I won’t do it again).  Afraid to heart Surrogate Mom’s feelings, Blair accepts, but not before throwing a withering look in Chuck’s direction.

“This is what I think of your hair, Chuck!”

When Chuck confronts Blair about their now-sour relationship, she  tells him that what he did was unforgivable, and that he’s basically a sh&*ty person.  Chuck replies that Blair is a sh&*ty person too, because she was willing to screw Uncle Jack, before even learning about Chuck’s deal with him.  Blair agrees about her sh&*tyness, and tells Chuck, that perhaps she loves him too much, because she is willing to do hideous slutty things for him.  Therefore, he can’t be good for her.  When Blair later admits that Jack did NOT agree to sleep with her that night, Chuck is elated.  He claims that now everything can go back to the way it was, with the two of them scheming, game-playing, and having lots of hot sex.  Blair is not so sure . . .

Then, at that random Russian version of a bachelor / bachelorette party, Blair runs into snoozy Dan (who, I must say, is significantly less snoozy without Vanessa around) . ..

“Hi!  You’ve reached the office of Dan’s Personality.  I’m not here right now, but . . .”

In a feeble attempt to be supportive, Dan tells Blair that she should be with Chuck, because he can’t imagine the two of them with anyone else.  Blair takes this to mean that she and Chuck MUST be together, as a result of their mutual sh&*tiness.  Blair informs Chuck of this, in a sexy scene involving the erotic putting-on of a necklace.  (No, I’m serious.  It was really hot!  These two could roll around in dog cacca, and it would STILL be really hot.)  The conversation continues, during an equally sexually intense scene involving a strategically-placed balloon.

At the wedding, when it comes time for the “happy couple” to escort Dorota down the aisle, Super Selfish Blair chooses this precise moment to break down in tears about how UNHAPPY she and Chuck actually are. (Ummmm, Blair?  What about the words’ “SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING” don’t you understand?)  She then runs away in a cloud of dramatic hysterics.  Dorota, who doesn’t want to lose her job and be deported cares very much about Blair, stops her wedding and comforts the youngun, telling Blair that her happiness as an individual is more important than her “happiness as part of a couple.” 

Blair’s mom overhears this triple- hanky moment, and decides to give Dorota the keys to a new apartment.  Said apartment was purchased for the housekeeper, by Mrs. Waldorf’s new husband, that nerdy teacher dude from Clueless.

You see, initially, Blair’s mom didn’t want to give Dorota the apartment because she is a cheap biatch thought it would be inappropriate to do so.  But now, realzing that Dorota is a better mommy to Blair than she will ever be, Mama Waldorf changes her mind. 

After the ceremony, Blair and Chuck share yet another close encounter, where Chuck begs Blair to give their relationship another chance, “We have to see this through to the end,” argues Chuck.

“It is the end,” remarks Blair sadly, before leaving Chuck alone on the dancefloor.  Ouch!

In other news,

Nothing You Can Say Can Tear Me Away from Bi-Guy .  . .

Little Eric’s new crush, who we initially thought was gay, and, later, thought was straight, turns out to be bisexual . . .

 . . . just like Anna Paquin . . .

because . . .

Papa’s Got a Brand New Nag . . .

Back in Serena Land, Little J is continuing on with her quest to break up these two . . .

 . . . so that she can have Natey-kins all to herself.

Except, she really doesn’t have to work that hard at it, because Serena is a TOTAL MORON!  First off, Serena STILLdoes  not realize that Jenny is scheming against her.  She, therefore, CONTINUES to feed Little J damning information to be used against the couple . . .

“Bravo Smartypants!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Serena has also begun to dig her own grave, by setting up clandestine meetings with her ex-beau, Carter Baizen.

(played by Sebastian Stan, who was dating, but recently broke up with, Leighton Meester, who plays Blair, FYI).

With Jenny’s not-so-altruistic help, Nate learns of these rendezvous, and is none too pleased, particularly when he learns that Carter has left Serena keys to his hotel room.  When confronted, Serena admits to Nate the true purpose of these meetings: to find Serena’s Continuously Absentee Biological Pop Pop .  . .

(who, from what I heard, will eventually be played by this guy, Billy Baldwin). 

Nate responds by giving Serena an ultimatum: “No more playing with Carter!”  Serena balks at this, and storms off.  Later, when Serena  is on her way to Dorota’s wedding, Carter stops her, and tells her that he has found her father’s home address.  Daddy-O is currently residing in Palm Springs.  However, if they want to see him, they (conveniently) have to leave ASAP. 

Serena complies, ditching the wedding in favor of the trip.  But when she tries to call Nate, to let him know what is going on, Little J picks up the phone.  Of course, she fails to deliver the message in the way it was intended.

In the limo, Carter admits that he has known of the whereabouts of Papa Van Der Woodsen for a week already, but kept this information a secret, because he just really wanted to get into Serena’s pants.  Serena kicks Carter’s ass out of the limo, and heads to Palm Springs alone.  But when she gets there, and knocks on the door, her father isn’t there.  This woman IS!

Dun, Dun, Dun!  It’s SERENA’S MOM!

Tune in next week, when it appears that the recently-single, Brooding Bad Ass, Chuck, will try to help Little J hook up with Nate, in order to further some bizarre revenge plot against Blair and Serena.

Until then, XOXO!

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Gossip Girl

For Your Lack of Consideration: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Inglorious Bassterds”

First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?”  Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .

A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.

The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette.  A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin.  He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now).  The catch?  In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man.  You can probably guess what happens next.  But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that.  But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way.  Shall we?

The Bitch is Back!

“Like I ever left . . .”

Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality.  It is Nate Archibald’s birthday.  So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin. 

Huh?  Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me?  OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE.  But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.  

“Assassin!  How fun!  Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”

Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.”  And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a  sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it!  So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped.  Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J.  As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .

“We would have come earlier, Serena.  But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”

During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing.  Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday.  However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game.  Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.”  But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man.  Word of advice to Nate:  Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!

Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .

In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities.  And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so.  Seriously?  I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!

“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”

And now for the GOOD stuff!

If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose.  When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building.  Money is no object, of course.  Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy.  Or can it?

Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress.  Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down.  Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend.  Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back.  When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night.  Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.

One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?

At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it.  She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back.  She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit.  (Note to Blair:  Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . .  Just saying.) 

Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret.  (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)

“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”

Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract.  But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  WHAT?????  NO SEX???  NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS?  CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!

But this is when things really get interesting.  You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing.  Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair.  And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!

By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack.  But my bullshit meter was going off the charts.    “He is so full of crap!  Don’t believe him Blair!”  I yell at my television, in vain.

What happens next, shocks the heck out of me.  Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING!  Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it.  Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back. 

Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass.  And Chuck is left alone with his Empire.  I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!

Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack.  Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision.  It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him.  I could be wrong.  But I HOPE I’m right . . .

Until next time . . . XOXO

Leave a comment

Filed under Gossip Girl