Heroism for Dummies – Once Upon a Time Recap Episode 5:6

sword looker

You know what’s hard? Being a hero on a Show About Heroes. Why? Because every time you try to do something heroic, there are always at least ten other people lining up to do it first.

In short, the key to being a hero on a show like Once upon a Time is basically trying find something heroic to do that no one else could possibly have any interest in doing. This way, you have no competition . . . like, for example, saving a trio of funny looking ginger kids from getting their head sawed in half by an arrow (because who the heck wants to do that?) . . . or saving your erstwhile girlfriend from becoming a hungry bear’s Happy Meal. In summation, since no one else on the show, apart from Merida, gave two craps about her brothers, and only Rumpel seems to remember that poor Belle is even still on this show, both characters got their hero stripes relatively easily, all things considered.

Oh, and Emma Swan? Still the Biggest Asshole on the Planet . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

“A Doofus Took My Gingers!”

shooting

Hook, Charming, and Merlin take turns “magicking into unconsciousness” and beating the crap out of a bunch of Arthur’s guards,to break Lancelot out of the pokey. Belle is there for no apparent reason, and just kind of stands around awkwardly, looking half-bored, while all this testosteroney stuff goes on around her. This is pretty much how I look when someone makes me watch sports on television . . .

“We can’t break into Lancelot’s cell, the magic is too difficult,” whines MERLIN THE GREATEST WIZARD OF ALL TIME about what appears to be a bunch of plain bars, and not much else.

It’s a good thing you are so pretty, Merlin . . .

merlin free

“Hey Merlin, The Greatest Wizard of All Time, why don’t you try this spell I have here in this spell book entitled, “How to break plain prison bars and commit a first degree felony . . . magically,” Belle offers.

“Oh, so that’s why you were randomly standing around during our Male Bonding Prison Breakout Session earlier. You are here to provide important information, and also to remind fans that you still exist, because a lot of this episode just so happens to be about you,” Merlin exclaims out loud.

clever one smeone noticed

“That’s right,” Belle responds, “I’m also the only person in Storybrooke who knows how to read, and I keep it that way, by filling the only library in town with only picture books.”

Using Belle’s spell, Merlin frees Lancelot from prison. He also frees Merida, because she is standing in the prison cell right next to Lancelot, and to not save her too would make things really awkward for everyone involved.

Merida shows her gratitude to the Storybrooke crew for saving her from becoming the newest cast member of Orange is the New Black (Orange looks terrible on gingers!) by . . . kidnapping Belle.

worry wake

At first, I thought Merida might be taking Belle as a hostage, so she can use her as leverage to obtain something of value from the Storybrooke crew. Then, I remembered that the only person on the show, who cares enough about Belle to fork over cash for her safe return is Rumpel the Coma Patient. And Coma Patients tend to be really bad at hostage negotiations. (Other things coma patients are bad at: staring contests, playing Jenga, reciting lines from the screenplay of A Few Good Men.)

Actually, Merida wants Belle to help her come up with a spell that will reunite the ginger lass with her even ginger-ier kidnapped brothers . . . something Belle probably would have willingly done anyway, without all the strong arming. Though her hair is admittedly pretty friggin awesome, the other stuff between Merida’s ears (i.e. her brains) are clearly a little lackluster. Generally, when you require the services of someone who knows witchy spells that could screw you up for life, the way to ask them for help is not to knock them unconscious. (Maybe that’s why Merida’s movie is called Brave, instead of Smart or Common Sense.)

just asked

Fortunately, Belle is a total mensch (she’d have to be to put up with Rumpel for all this time), and decides to help Merida find her brothers. She does this by performing a locator spell on the boys. Upon doing this, Belle and Merida learn that the boys are set to be executed by the three doofuses Merida was supposed to marry in the movie. Talk about taking rejection poorly!

the suitors

“I’ll show them! I’ll turn into a bear and eat everybody in town. That will teach those doofuses not to mess with my little gingers!” Merida exclaims triumphantly.

“Yeah, but if you eat everybody in town, you’ll be super lonely. Plus, since you haven’t proven to be all that bright, you’ll probably screw up and eat your brothers too. And doofuses and ginger give bears really bad indigestion . . . or so I’ve heard. I’m going to screw up the bear spell on purpose, so you are forced to use your brains to save your brothers.”

“My brains?” Merida asks incredulously. “But you just told me I’m not that smart.”

“Yeah, you are right, better to use the fact that you are pretty good at shooting stuff,” Belle capitulates.

So, Merida shoots a bow and arrow in the general direction of her ginger brothers, and, in doing so, is able to intercept each of the three arrows headed for her brothers’ ginger brains.

saving boys

brotherscap

The townspeople are so impressed by this, they decide to make her their queen . . . which would be like us electing our next president based on his ability to win the video game, Grand Theft Auto, against all the other nominees.

the queen

Merida is then united with her three funny – looking brothers and they all live Ginger-ly Ever After.

To the one or two males who are reading this recap, let this be a lesson to you: getting dumped is no reason to go out and start murdering gingers. It always ends badly. Stick to killing brunettes. It’s much easier.

You can find the rest of this recap HERE!

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