Game of Groans – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Status Asthmaticus”

After watching 5 seasons of a show, the characters in it become sort of like your friends.

You know them pretty well.

You care about them . . . most of them, anyway.

You want to see them succeed . . . again . . . most of them.

You want to shake them by their little scrawny shoulders, when they do things that are just so friggin stupid, and counterproductive to their leading long, healthy, successful lives, that you can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long in the world, without accidentally running headfirst into moving traffic, while wearing a red Superman cape, and/or drowning in a 3-foot deep kiddie pool.

While you were watching Teen Wolf this week, you may have heard some strange sound effects in the background that you couldn’t quite place. That was me . . . groaning, grumbling, and vigorously shaking my head, at these teenagers, who, just seasons earlier, continuously stuck together, while each and every one of them took a turn at being temporarily evil, but now, for no conceivable reason, have decided to alienate, lie to, and occasionally try to murder one another, all because some good looking guy suggested it would be a good idea.

In short, the Beacon Hills Scooby Gang has somehow become the kids in the slasher film, who you are supposed to be rooting for, but who make it kind of hard for you to do so, when they are constantly, walking alone into the scary basement with no lights and only one exit, when they should instead be running to the car outside, and booking it the hell away from the Cabin Where All Those People Got Murdered Last Summer.

https://youtu.be/olEbwhWDYwM

Let’s review, shall we?

[A big ole thank you to my pal Andre, who convinced me that it was worth it to recap this series this summer, if only so it would give me an opportunity to enjoy his awesome screencaps of it.]

“Suck on My Girlfriend, Please?”

When you are in werewolf “family,” you are guaranteed to experience some really awkward life moments. . . like when you have to beg your father figure to give the new love of your life a hickey, that will make her really hormonal and hairy, so that she won’t die a horribly painful death.

So, THIS exchange happened on the show:

Liam: “Suck on my girlfriend now! Chew on her really good!”

Scott: “Honestly, I just had dinner, and I’m not really hungry right now? Also, she’s really sweaty. I feel like eating her will make me break out. Thirdly, if I chew on her she may get rabies and die . . . but, like, in a different way than she’s dying right now . . . a wolfy way.”

Liam: “All that stuff didn’t seem to bother you when you were sucking on my arm last season, like it was a chocolate Tootsie Pop!”

Scott: “That was different. You were about to become a main character on the show. And you weren’t as gross and sweaty as she is now. You have really great skin, you know that? Like baby soft, and no pores, whatsoever. You were an absolute pleasure to suck. Your girlfriend will taste like ass.”

Liam: ????

Scott: “Also, you were hanging from a building and definitely going to die. Your girlfriend only has a 99.99% chance of dying.”

Liam: ????!!

Scott: “Look, I don’t want to get to first base with your girlfriend’s gross neck, OK? End of discussion. Now, if you’d excuse me, I have to go further emasculate myself, by sucking on this fake inhaler.”

Then, the crew take Dying Hayden to MIA Vet, Deaton’s office, so Melissa McCall, who is neither a doctor, nor a veterinarian, can fail miserably at saving her life. Hayden, who knows she’s a goner, having placed her life in the hands of a bunch of bozos, repeatedly makes the dying request to see her sister before she inevitably croaks. It’s a request that everyone in the room blatantly ignores, because they are total assholes.

At one point, they actually send Scott out to pretend to go fetch the sister, but he goes to visit with his friend Lydia instead. And, of course, no one thinks of calling this woman on her cell phone, or trying to contact her at the police station WHERE SHE WORKS, because she is not a main character, and, therefore, unimportant.

Meanwhile, inside Stiles’ Jeep Roscoe. . .

Bummer Man

Remember back in Seasons 1 and 2 when Stiles was fun? He was the comic relief of the show! The one who wore adorable tee shirts with cute sayings on them, or pictures of muffins . . . the one who had a quippy comeback for every line uttered on the show . . . the one who somehow managed to find a silver lining inside the death trap that he and his friends found themselves in every season?

Don’t get me wrong, Werebangers. Dylan O’Brien is still the best. He acts rings around pretty much everybody on the show, no matter what material he is given. He even pulled off being the best villain the series has ever seen. And he’s tugged at my heartstrings more times than I can count.

But man, has this character been a Charlie Brown with a rain cloud on top of his head all season!

Somebody get this guy on Wellbutrin! Also, get him to a mechanic whose willing to fix his jeep for free. I mean the thing was literally flipped over and set on fire, and Stiles is still driving the thing. You would think his cop dad, might have a problem with that, seeing as there is absolutely no way Roscoe passes inspection, which means his son is violating about a million traffic laws, every time he gets behind the wheel.

Anyway, Stiles in understandably bummed that his friend Scott is acting like such a turd, and, you know, because, he killed that Douchebag with the weird teeth. So, he throws a wrench at the window of poor, broke down Roscoe the Jeep, which is a total example of Kick The Dog Syndrome.

“I don’t like it when you hit me with tools, Stiles.

“When Malia picks him up (because, apparently, she’s a really great driver now), Stiles is being unusually uncommunicative, so Malia, being the good girlfriend that she is, attempts to break the ice, by telling Stiles it’s totally cool that he’s a murderer and stuff. “You killed some people, as Void Stiles. And killed Weird Teeth guy, as yourself,” Malia explains. “I thought I killed my adopted family. And now I actually want to kill my mom. We are a Killer Couple . . . like Bonnie and Clyde . . . if Bonnie was a werecoyote.”

“Um, can we talk about this after I witness my father having yet another brush with death that could have been prevented, if Scott didn’t suck so badly at being a hero?” Stiles asks hopefully.

“Sure, no problem,” replies Malia. “I’m just going to go hang out in the hidey hole where I lived and pooped for eight years, fondle a baby doll, and ogle unnecessarily naked Evil Theo, who, P.S. is part coyote, and is trying to steal me away from you, so you can go be with Lydia.”

“Try not to look at the naked man in the hallway, baby. You are too young to see such things. Me, on the other hand . . .”

“Sounds great. Bye soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!” Stiles calls out over his shoulder, as he heads to the police station.

At the police station, Stiles finds out his father is out of the office. He’s actually at the school . . . with Hayden’s sister, and a large, as of yet unseen chimera, who must really hate Beacon Hills High, and, of course, those pesky not-very-good-at-speaking English Dredd Doctors . . .

Ruh-roh!

Also at the police station with Stiles, but not his dad . . .

Naked Garbage Man Finally Gets a Clue . . . Actually Lydia Gets it For Him . . . Because Thinking Makes His Brain Hurt

With bars between them, so they can no longer beat the crap out of one another as a form of foreplay, Lydia and Parrish are relegated to pretending their fingers are sex organs, and poking at one another through the bars.

“Is life easier for you, now that you know you are a banshee, and can finally stop waking up dirty and naked in the woods?” Parrish inquires conversationally.

“Not really,” Lydia replies. “I mean, it would be if Jeff Davis could get a handle on what banshees actually do, but my powers and skills tend to change week to week, so I never really know what I am until I read the script.”

“Hey, I wake up dirty and naked in the woods sometimes, and seem to really have a thing for manhandling corpses,” Parrish muses. “Does that mean I’m a male banshee? It would explain why we are hot for one another, despite our obvious age difference, and the fact that I am a mental midget compared to you, so we couldn’t possibly ever have any interesting conversations with one another, that go beyond a third-grade reading level?”

“Nah. We are only attracted to one another, because we are both attractive people. And teen shows demand that all attractive people must eventually pork one another,” Lydia explains. “Also you aren’t a banshee, you’re a hellhound.”

“I thought I was a phoenix. Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense, given the hints that were thrown out about me last season?” Parrish wonders.

“It would. But then all the fans immediately pegged you as a phoenix. And that pissed Jeff Davis off. So, he decided to throw a curve ball and make you something else that he randomly found on Wikipedia,” Lydia responds.

“OK. But what exactly makes me a hellhound, as opposed to something else . . . like a phoenix?” Parrish presses.

“I don’t know. Let me go to the school library, and put myself in harms way to find out, even though I could probably just Google Hellhound on my smart phone and get the limited information we need to satisfy this plot point,” Lydia answers as she walks out of the police station, completely ignoring Stiles, who is there too.

“I’m going to break out of here, steal some more bodies, and maybe accidentally kill some people, if you aren’t here to babysit me,” Parrish calls out after Lydia, by way of warning.

“I know and don’t care,” Lydia responds, as she closes the door behind her.

Moments later, Parrish breaks out of his jail cell, all red-eyed and dangerous looking. Stiles, who is a kid, and not a cop, tells all the cops around him not to shoot at the clearly violent Parrish. So, they don’t, and, instead just let Parrish go out into the world and potentially hurt some innocents, without going after him in their cop cars, or calling for backup.

Law enforcement in Beacon Hills is the best!

News Flash: Beacon Hills Officially Has a Vampire

It was only a matter of time folks . . . just a matter of time.

Also, Braeden’s back, and fully confused by what happened to this show during the half-season she’s been away having 24-7 sex with Derek Hale.

“So, the guys in the black suits that talk funny? They are the Oni, right?” Braeden asks Malia, with whom she has never before exchanged words, but who suddenly seems like her best pal.”

“No, that was season 3. These are the Dredd Doctors,” Malia explains.

“But they kind of look and act like the Oni,” Braeden muses.

“I know, right?” Malia replies.

“And Parrish . . . he’s a phoenix?” Braeden continues.

“Hellhound,” Malia corrects.

“What the heck is a hellhound?” Braeden asks.

Malia shrugs.

“What about the douchey good looking evil guy that hits on everyone in the cast, male and female? That’s Jackson?” Braeden asks.

“Nope,” Malia replies.

“Aiden then . . . or Ethan? I always get those two confused.”

“His name is Theo,” Malia answers.

“But he kind of looks and acts like Jackson, Aiden and Ethan . . .”

“I know right?” Malia replies again. “Anyway, enough about them. Come help me kill my mother, before she kills me.”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Braeden responds.

I know Malia and Braeden are both supposed to be straight and spoken for, but, honestly, wouldn’t these two be like the best lesbian couple ever?

More Violence Against Women (and Stiles) Ensues . . .

Theo finds Lydia in the library, and punches her in the face, knocking her unconscious, because he’s afraid she will clue in the Scooby Gang to the fact that she “senses death.”

But clearly, he just punched her in the face for the fun of it, because, obviously she senses death, because like 50 teenagers died this season! So, why would that implicate Theo at all?

Theo’s basically been walking around this entire season, twirling his villain mustache, sporting his “I am Evil tee shirt,” everyday, murdering puppies, and eating babies everywhere he goes, in plain sight.  And yet, still, no one, but Stiles, ever suspected him of wrong doing . . . . probably because the entire Scooby gang has apparently spent the summer drinking Moron Juice, which prevents them from engaging in logical reasoning of any sort. So, why punch a girl in the face now, and ruin all this undeserved trust you’ve built up all season, right when your Evil Plan is finally starting to come to fruition? Because it’s the season finale, obviously . . .

Scott takes the bait to come find Lydia, when he should be off collecting Hayden’s sister and taking her to Hayden’s death bed. This was yet another super dumb move on Scott’s part. So, of course, evil Theo has to lock him in the library using mountain ash, and reveal himself as a villain to SCOTT TOO!

“P.S. Your inhaler is fake and filled with wolfsbane,” Theo explains helpfully. “P.P.S. I’m a chimera, who is going to steal your pack from you, even though I’ve been going around punching them all in the face, which would indicate that I have poor leadership skills. P.P.P.S. Liam is going to kill you and take your Alpha powers to save Hayden, and then I’m going to kill him and take those Alpha Powers from him. Now, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta go punch Stiles in the face, and hope that it will turn him on enough that he will have sex with me. P.P.P.P.S. I’m secretly in love with Stiles. See ya!”

Theo finds Stiles outside, and the two roll around on the ground for a little bit. It’s sexy in a Fight Club sort of way. At least Stiles is fighting back, so it doesn’t give off that domestic abuse sort of vibe we got when Theo was beating the crap out of Lydia. Then, Theo admits to Stiles that both Scott and his father should be dying by the end of the episode, and Stiles can only save one of them.

Stiles chooses his dad, because his dad is awesome, and, at least lately, Scott, is the worst.

It’s the first good choice anyone has made all season . . .

So Many Zombies, So Little Time . . .

Liam has now arrived at the library, and he’s doing a pretty good job of beating to death Scott, the supposed “True Alpha.”

We are told that Liam is doing this because the Super Moon is making his Irritable Bowel Syndrome Act up, so he’s gassy, and really grumpy about it.

Did I say Liam had IBS? I meant IED. I always get those two confused . . .

Liam is so busy beating up Scott to save Hayden, that he totally misses Hayden’s ACTUAL DYING. (Also, no one ever answered Hayden’s dying request to see her sister at her death bed, so that sucks. Mason just barely stops Liam from killing Scott by informing him that Hayden, is in fact, already dead, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Then, Theo pops by, and is really pissed at Mason for stopping Liam from killing Scott, so he . . . wait for it . . . punches Mason in the face, just so the new pack member won’t feel left out, since he’s already done it to everyone else.

You would think now that Theo is totally screwed, right? Because he’s alienated his would-be pack by beating them all up. Plus, he can’t take Scott’s True Alphaness from him directly, as he’s a chimera, who wasn’t bitten by Scott, and Liam didn’t do it for him.

That would be logical. But this is Teen Wolf, where logic left the building two seasons ago. So, Theo kills Scott . . . for a few minutes at least.

And then, he suddenly has the Alpha powers he needs, to do that neck fondling thing to Lydia, where he finds out where the Nemeton is located . . . because, again, big ole trees covered in dead bodies are near impossible to find otherwise.

This inexplicably renders Lydia catatonic, even though it hasn’t had that effect on anyone else who has been neck fondled on the show . . .

Then, Theo takes the heroin mixed in cocaine and dirty water that the Dredd Doctors were using on themselves, and injects it into Hayden, Corey, Tracey, and that kid he killed on the roof a few episodes back, who liked eating electric wires. This act has the surprise effect of bringing them all instantly back to life, as mindless sycophants, who follow him, just because he’s good looking, even though he ACTUALLY MURDERED ONE OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE . . in other words, they act just like our Scooby Gang acted all season, only they have a slightly better excuse for doing so, because . . . ZOMBIES.

“Come with me if you want to live . . . my new pack, who are my second choice, because I punched everyone in my first pack in the face, and they no longer want to play with me,” Theo explains in his best Arnold Schwartzenager from The Terminator voice.

Elsewhere, the Dredd Doctors finally reveal their true plan . . . and it involves . . . wall renovation, and really ugly artwork?

See ya next season, Werebangers!

It’s Official, Scott McCall is the Worst – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Lies of Omission”

“Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

Such were the wise words of Harvey Dent. You might remember him from the Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, as That Guy Who (Spoiler Alert) Definitely Didn’t Die a Hero.

OK, so not every person who doesn’t die young is destined to become a deformed super villain with multiple personality disorder. But I think it is safe to say that, at least for most of us, the longer we live, the more inevitable stains and tears we are going to rack up on our White Knight and Shining Armor pant suits.

At least from Season 2, onward, Scott McCall has always been more of a Superman-brand of hero, than a Batman-type one, reserving the very human pitfalls of heroism for the rest of his pack mates (broodiness and hunger for power for Derek, vanity for Lydia, a thirst for revenge for Allison, introspection and crippling self-doubt for Stiles) so that he could focus more fully on the “special snowflake” aspects of his job.

The True Alpha . . . Bits

And while special snowflake heroes tend to be the ones you’d choose first to rescue you from a burning building or sadistic serial killer, they also tend to be the last ones you choose to do anything else with you, because they are just so friggin uptight, judgmental, and downright BORING!

Up until this season, Scott had a fix for that problem too. He never had to be charming, or even particularly likeable, because he came as a package deal with this awesome group of pals who were charming and likeable for him!

Then those awful, unsanitary, poorly dressed, mumbling low-rent Darth Vader Dredd Doctors and their little minion Theo came along, and stole Scott’s special snowflake-ness from him. They gently pushed him to alienate his charming friends. Until, eventually, all that was left was a self-righteous kid with asthma, who was kind of a dick.

The kind of guy who wouldn’t lift a finger to save his surrogate little brother’s dying girlfriend, because it didn’t conform with his “moral code” . . .

The kind of guy who lets his own girlfriend sacrifice herself to an uncertain fate, just because the fox costume she always wears inadvertently took some steroids . . .

The kind of guy who would believe the words of a douchebag he used to hang out with on swing sets eight years ago, over those of his best friend for life, Stiles.

And really, anyone who hurts Stiles is a villain in my book . . . plain and simple

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for fearlessly screencapping so many gross pictures of silver nose snot.  He’s got a stomach of steel, that one!]

Adventures in Monologuing

Scott’s even starting to monologue like a super villain! But instead of talking about cool stuff, like world domination and mass murder, he’s talking about lame stuff, like his feelings, how his friends don’t smile at him in the hallways anymore, and his asthma. In fact, the entire opening sequence reminds me of one of those commercials for antidepressants starring Scott and his pals in the role of The Sad Egg . . .

https://youtu.be/twhvtzd6gXA

“All of your whining is seriously harshing my buzz. I’m going to go hang out with my evil friends, the Dredd Dorks. At least they know how to party,” mutters Theo.

“What did you say?” Scott asks with raised eyebrows.

“Um . . . I said, everything is fine, Cuz! I’m going to go eat some moo shoo pork. I don’t want to be tardy,” covers Theo, as he exits stage left, laughing maniacally.

“Theo is such a standup guy,” Scott muses, as he watches from the window, while his new pal stabs three elderly ladies, kicks two puppies, and blows up a playground full of happy school children. “Inviting him to join our pack was my best decision ever.”

“Pee on me. Sit on me”

Theo heads on over to the Dredd Doctors lab, where the guys are clearly busy taking hits of their own “experimental” drug product.

No wonder we can never understand a word these guys are saying. They must be stoned out of their minds all the time!

“Hey fellow Bad Guys,” begins Theo conversationally. “Listen, I know you wanted to off Hayden so the Naked Garbage Man can add her to his ever growing Burning-Tree Stump Collection? But Jeff Davis told me to tell you that you can’t murder her yet, since she’s going to be a series regular next season.   Because Young Love and stuff. Also because all the other ships on this show are pretty much dead in the water.”

“Perigee-Syzegy” says one of the Dredd Doctors, as he takes another hit of what looks like heroine mixed with really dirty bong water.

“Pee on me? Sit on me?” Theo asks, clearly confused, as we all are.

“Perigee-Syzegy,” repeats the Dredd Doctor, more firmly, this time.

“Did you just say pot of bees, sick of fleas?” Theo posits.

“PERIGEE-SYZEGY!” The Dredd Doctor says a third time. (Now he’s really getting pissed.)

“What about a Pedigree Symphony?” Theo inquires.

“You are going to die tonight, you hunk of dumb evil junk!” The Dredd Doctor growls.

“Ohhhhh Perigee-Syzegy! The Supermoon! You need it to complete your weird science experiment or whatever. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Honestly, you stoners could be such intellectual snobs sometimes,” Theo replies with a knowing wink at the audience.

Meanwhile over at the love shack, otherwise known as “Behind the School Bus in Beacon Hills High” . .. .

Love Means Never Having to Say “You have silver boogers in your nose.”

Awww, Liam and Hayden! So cute! With their confessions of love, and their tongue kisses, and their patent inability to use tissues when they clearly need them . . .

Apparently, not only are the Dredd Doctors raging drug addicts, they are giving all the teen wuzzles at school massive cocaine problems.   “Please don’t tell anybody about my gross snot thing,” Hayden pleads to her new boo. “It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as that time during sixth grade when I had to take my school picture with a broken nose because you punched . . . too soon?”

“Let’s run away together! I’ll protect you from the Dredd Doctors. I’ll pack a bag with lots of energy bars for us to eat, and lots of tissues for me to clean the snot off your nose,” Liam decides impulsively.

“But I’ve only known you for about four episodes, and most of that time we’ve spent either unconscious or punching one another in the face,” Hayden posits. “How do we know our sudden passion for one another isn’t borne from the adrenaline rush of our recent brush with death, and won’t fade the minute, some other pretty wuzzle with a nose bleed casts a fist in the general direction of your nasal cavity?”

“Ummmm . . . ,” replies Liam.

“Screw it, let’s do it,” exclaims Hayden excitedly, shooting an adorable snot rocket in Liam’s direction to seal the deal. (Everything Hayden does is adorable, obviously.)

“Oh hey, Scott!” Liam exclaims super awkwardly, a bit later, as he hauls a duffel bag filled with a lifetime supply of snot tissues and wuzzle food onto the bench in front of him. “Please ignore this massive piece of evidence sitting right in front of you that I am about to put myself in harms way.”

“Nice getaway duffel bag you got there. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go suck on my inhaler and monologue some more. Be careful of the upcoming Supermoon and your IBS,” Scott notes.

“I don’t have irritable bowel syndrome!” Liam protests.

“Oops. I mean IED. I always mess those two up. Anyway. Gotta jet,” offers Scott, as he skips off stage left.

“Seriously? You didn’t even notice how shady I’m acting? My loud and plaintive cries for help weren’t loud enough for you? You are the worst dad ever, Scott! And you think I have IBS? What a jerk! I’m going to go take my girlfriend to the creepy gay club and get us both killed now. Thanks for your support!” Liam huffs.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Stiles IS DEAD!!!

Just kidding. This show would so be cancelled, if that were even remotely true.   That’s just Stiles’ guilt talking. And Stiles’ Guilt has a big mouth, and a real knack for hyperbole.

Enough of this guilt talk. Let’s go to the gym, and get ripped with new wuzzle Corey!

I Wanna Get Physical!

Because Teen Wolf is nothing, if not an educational program, I proudly present to you, “Workout tips from Soon-to-be-Dead Wuzzles.”

• When lifting weights, always make sure to have a spotter, who weighs more than eighty pounds soaking wet..
• Be sure to stretch before you get started, to avoid muscle strain.
• Eat a light meal about 20 to 30 minutes before your workout to maximize your energy levels. Emphasis on light. Eating too much right before a workout, could result in some serious embarrassment, not to mention a ruined muscle-tee. And muscle tees aren’t cheap!

“I saw this going a whole lot better in my head.”

While Corey gets shipped off to the hospital with the 98% fatality rate, to blend into some walls, hurt some folks, and suffer an unceremonious demise at the hand of one of the Dredd Doctors . . .

. . . another one is at the school killing this chick, who doesn’t seem to have any cool powers, apart from being really efficient at biting her nails. Lame! Failure indeed.

Say what you will about the Dredd Doctors, but they really are the best when it comes to Team Work with a capital T!

Malia is just so done with this Dredd Doctor sh*t.  Dead wuzzles? A “pack leader” who can’t fight, and monologues too much? Shitty teachers that don’t appreciate her awesome color contacts? Living in a cave in the woods and eating her own poop is starting to seem like a really good idea right now. #Nostalgia.

Speaking of nostalgia . . .

Lydia and Stiles reunite . . . for about two seconds

 Remember a few seasons back, when Lydia and Stiles used to sleuth together all the time, doing all the heavy intellectual lifting for their big hearted, but little brained pals, each week, tossing off a few witty one-liners and the occasional eye-f*ck as they worked side by side?

I miss that about this show. And we got some of it this week, while Lydia and Stiles wandered through the woods in search of the lost Nemeton . . . you know, because Big Ass Trees roughly the size of an entire town with mountains of dead bodies adorning them are SUPER hard to find.

“You know, it’s been fun sleuthing with you again. But I should really get Naked Garbage Man Parrish to help out with this instead because Sex,” Lydia insists. “Besides, it’s always better when the secretly evil characters on this show learn that they are evil.”

“Yeah, because when I found out I was secretly evil, I locked myself up I an insane asylum, had sex with Malia, killed a bunch of folks, and almost murdered Scott,” Stiles notes.

“Exactly, I knew you’d understand,” replies Lydia, patting Stiles on the head like he’s a dog.

“So, really this is only about sex and nothing else,” Stiles says.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Lydia admits.

“You know what would be fun, if we beat the sh*t out of each other in this forest,” Lydia says to Naked Garbage Man Parrish later that day.

“Why do all the couples on this show have to beat each other up this season? I feel like it sends a bad message to today’s youth that they should equate assault with foreplay,” Parrish posits.

“Stop acting like you have a brain, and look pretty,” Lydia insists. “Also punch me in the face.”

“OK,” Parrish responds, before giving Lydia a black eye. “Hey check it out! Isn’t that the tree where I carry all the dead wuzzle bodies?” Parrish notes.

“And to think, it’s been right behind us this whole time, and all it took was a little physical abuse for us to find it,” Lydia responds excitedly.

Later, Parrish locks himself up in a jail cell that might as well be made of paper clips, for all it will do to keep the Naked Garbage Man from stealing more dead bodies.

“Amateur Hour,” mutters Stiles under his breath, while shaking his head.

If Theo Can’t Have Stiles, NO ONE CAN!

You know everyone believes that Theo is all obsessed with Scott, and wants to alienate him from all his friends, so he could like, become him, or something?  But personally, I think Theo is all about Stiles. This is simply a case of a boy, standing in front of another boy, with a bunch of decapitated puppy heads in his fist, asking him to love him.

Step one in Theo’s master plan to win Stiles’ heart, is to break him up from his first love, Scott. “Hey Scott,” Theo begins casually, as the pair go for a nice leisurely drive around town, because Theo loves nothing more than riding in cars with boys. “I think it’s really cool how supportive you’ve been of Stiles, even though he beat that wuzzle with a wrench, killed him, and tried to cover it up. You’re a good friend!”

“WHAT?   STILES IS A MURDERER . . . ON PURPOSE, THIS TIME?” Scott exclaims.

“Oops, was I not supposed to tell you that?” Theo says with a wink at the camera, as he sticks his arm out the car window, and strangles a nun.

Step two in Theo’s seduction of Stiles plan, is to get in good with his dad, by telling him that HE killed Donovan to save the Sheriff’s and Stiles’ life, this has the dual effect of exonerating Stiles for the murder HE committed, and making Theo look like a hero in front of his hopefully future father in law.

Smooth, Theo! Super smooth!

All of this ultimately results in Scott dumping Stiles, in the pouring rain, no less! “You believe Theo over me, your best friend, about the whole murder of Donovan thing?” Stiles asks incredulously. “The guy wears a heart shaped locket around his neck with Adolf Hitler’s picture on one side and Darth Vader’s on the other. He’s so obviously a bad dude! What the heck is wrong with you this season that you can’t see that?”

“Whatever, I don’t like you anymore, because The Plot makes it so. Off to make some more ridiculously poor life choices. See ya,” Scott calls out over his shoulder.

In Which Scott Makes More Ridiculously Poor Life Choices . . .

 

Hiding out at the gay club, where the Dredd Doctors are VIPs, who seem to show up there at least once an episode, seems like a great idea to lovebirds Liam and Hayden. The pair barely have enough time to steal some cash from the safe, and do a few shots of tequila off one another’s oh-so-perfect abdominals, when guess who shows up to spoil their fun.

Surprise! It’s the Dredd Doctors.

Fortunately, Scott and Theo are there to suck royally at life, and not help at all!

Then, the Dredd Doctors give Hayden another heroine injection and she dies.

“Give hugs not drugs?”

Just kidding! She’s fine! Heroine is not dangerous at all, kids!

Later, in the car on the way home, Hayden conveniently decides that she’s dying again. So, Theo suggests that Scott turn her into a full-on werewolf to prevent this from happening. “Awww, can you do it, Daddy Werewolf? Can you, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? I’ll be your best friend,” pleads Liam.

“No! You’re grounded. Go to your room, Liam. And don’t even think about using your cell phone, playing video games, or watching the love of your life suffer a slow cruel and senseless death,” Scott scolds.

“I hate you, Dad! I wish you were dead!” Liam cries in anguish.

Meanwhile, somewhere off stage, Theo is kissing the photograph of Stiles he keeps in his boxer shorts, and dancing the Macarena in triumph . . . “Soon, my lover boy! Soon you will be mine,” he whispers to the photograph.

See you next time, Werebangers!

 

 

Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

It’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .

. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .

As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .

Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

Apparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Eating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

Nice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

Damn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

She calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

So, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

Then, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

Kira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

Meanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

Liam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

Liam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

Kira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

We interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

You are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

Once Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

In the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

Theo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

I love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!

Daydream Believer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Strange Frequencies”

Love hurts . . .

Those wacky head shrinking Dredd Doctors are at it again, Werebangers! For the second episode in a row they are hard at work, forcing our Scooby Gang to confront their darkest fears and kinkiest sex fantasies, one CGI’ed hallucination at a time.

Question: Why they are doing this, when it seemingly has no conceivable link to their ultimate plan to craft the ultimate teenage chimera murder machine?

Answer: Because mentally torturing teens is hilarious, obviously . . .

Also because when the characters are spending 98% of their screen time battling Big Bads each week, the most convenient type of character development is not the kind which is deftly drawn out through dialogue, facial and body language (Zzzzzzzzz, bo-ring!), but the kind that is beat into viewers brains with a sledge hammer and ground into a fine paste.

Let’s psychoanalyze, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, whose screencaps are always so spectacular, that I sometimes find myself wondering whether the episode he watched was better than the one I did.]

Playing Hard to Get Versus Just Getting Hard

When we last left Evil Theo and Stiles, Evil Theo had just saved Stiles life from a guy who liked to eat electric wires so much! It was like he was a hormonal female, and the wires were his favorite brand of potato chips for that special time of month (You can’t eat just one!).

“Hey, speaking of dead teens with effed up teeth, how about that douchebag you impaled a couple of weeks back. His chompers were insane, am-I-right?” Evil Theo brings up conversationally.

“Grrrrr, Evil Theo,” fumes Stiles. “It makes me totally furious that you would know about my deep dark past of two days ago, because I totally hate your guts, and aren’t at all interested in ripping off your clothes to have sex with you. So, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to throw your Adonis body hard against this chain link fence, grip your strong muscular shoulders in my fingertips, press my face millimeters from yours, and show you just how not attracted to you I actually am.”

“This is spectacular! Everyone on this show wants me!” Theo exclaims to himself, laughing maniacally, as he thumbs the lettering on his ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt. “After I murder a litter of puppies, engage in some light devil worshipping, suffocate some adorable babies, and have intense animalistic sex with Kira and Malia, I am totally going to come back and have my way with Stiles.”

“OK, so here’s the deal. I won’ t tell Scott you are a murderer, if you don’t tell him I’m a murderer,” Theo offers his new boyfriend.   “And just to make sure our mutual friend isn’t at all suspicious of us, we should (1) never play ‘Never Have I Ever’ with Scott at a party, just in case he’s tempted to say “Never have I ever murdered a hot teenage boy with weird teeth, in which case we would both have to drink, obviously, because no one can lie during ‘Never Have I Ever’. It’s the law. (2) Bring him this dead body to fondle, as we know how much virtuous Scott loves to manhandle the bodies of the recently deceased.”

“Awesome ideas, Theo!” Stiles responds. “Let’s also put some sunglasses on Dead-y over here, so we can drive around Beacon Hills with him in the back seat, and pretend he’s still alive, Weekend at Bernies’ style.”

Meanwhile, Liam is trying to charm his love interest, Hayden (I tried so hard not to learn her name, but then the Dredd Doctors said it about 85 times this episode, just to screw with my plans), by telling her she is a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Now, if a line like that isn’t enough to make your panties drop, ladies, you must be dead inside!

Then, Liam doubles down on the seduction techniques, by transforming into monster, and trying to chew Hayden’s face off . . .

Hayden is unimpressed . . . possibly because she is legitimately dead inside . . . because the Dredd Doctors made her that way. So, she punches Liam in the face and runs away.

These two are going to be the best couple ever!

Habeas Corpus (Translation: “You should have the body.”)

Scott is thrilled that Evil Theo and Stiles have brought him a brand new sexy chimera body to play with.

“I really hope that bastard, Naked Garbage Man, doesn’t take this one from me, like he took all the other ones,” Scott pouts. “I mean, seriously. What’s a guy got to do to keep a corpse as a pet around here?”

“Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, while we have sex in the car outside,” Evil Theo offers generously.

“What?” Scott asks, confused.

“I said Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, and Naked Garbage Man will have nowhere to hide,” Evil Theo covers cleverly.

“We will also keep the video camera on my cell phone trained on the body, so we can see who tries to take it. I am offering to use my cell phone to film this eight-hour snuff film, because even though I want everyone to believe I’m dirt poor, my cell phone has an insane unlimited data plan,” explains Stiles.

Stiles and Scott conveniently leave Evil Theo alone for a few minutes, so he can yell at one of the Dredd Doctors for not keeping him in the loop on the whole Naked Garbage Man thing. “Inconsequential,” the Dredd Doctor repeats over and over again to Theo’s lecture.

Why? No reason. It’s just a cool word . . .

Back on the spinoff show Baby Wolf and Friends, Hayden’s car has mysteriously broken down, and the radio in it will only play one channel: It’s All Dredd Doctors, All the Time. Now, the Dredd Doctors may be totally awesome at Frankenscience and giving people hallucinations that are thinly veiled metaphors for their life, but they suck at other stuff . . . like talking. This makes them horrible disc jockeys for the radio station to which Hayden is being forced to listen.

First of all, the Dredd Doctors are nearly impossible to understand most of the time . . . they sound like I imagine Darth Vader would sound . . . if he was lying at the bottom of the ocean underneath something very heavy.

“Hey, I resemble that remark.”

And then, when you do manage to hear what they are saying, it’s almost always something totally lame. (The word “inconsequential” notwithstanding.) Here’s what they say on Hayden’s radio: “Hayden . . . Hayden . . . Hayden . . . (wait for it) . . . Hayden.”

And “Your condition improves.”

Fortunately, Liam hops on top of her car, and bashes in the window, to free her from the mind-numbing nonsense of bad radio.

So, to recap, Hayden and Liam repeatedly punch one another in the face. And when they aren’t doing that, they are destroying one another’s private property on a regular basis. How can you not ship these two?

(Recapper’s note: In all seriousness, I actually do ship these two, which I think makes me a terrible person . . .)

Speaking of terrible people . . .

Child Abuse is Adorable!

Kira’s been calling out sick lately from Scott’s Scooby Games, because she might be possessed like Stiles was a season or so ago, and doesn’t want it to interfere with her friends’ Fight Against Evil, which makes her super considerate as far as possessed people go . . .

Kira’s parents aren’t satisfied though, and decide to trick her into going to school on the weekend, so Kira’s mom can try to impale her with a katana. At first, Kira doesn’t fight back, because it’s her mom, and she’s like, old and stuff. But then, Kira’s mom is all “Come at me, BIATCH!”

She starts really coming at Kira hard, and getting all stabby with her.

So, eventually Kira starts to fight back, and knocks the sword out of her mom’s hand. Kira’s mom immediately crumbles in the corner, looking totally horrified and insulted that her daughter had the nerve to defend herself against her mother’s TRYING TO KILL HER. HOW DARE SHE? She should have just rolled over and died, dammit.

Kira’s mom blames the kitsune on Kira’s violent behavior. But, personally, I blame her parents being assholes . . .

Later that night, Kira’s mom gets back at Kira for the whole defending herself thing, by sticking a bunch of needles in her back. She says it’s to help “balance” the power between Kira’s human self and her foxy self. But if I wanted balance, I’d buy myself a scale, not impale myself multiple times over just for fun . . .

Kira starts to cry, and Kira’s mom asks her if she’s in pain. “DUH! OBVIOUSLY, SHE’S GOT ABOUT 85,000 NEEDLES IN HER BACK!”

(Yeah, I know . . . I know, acupuncture is supposed to be about pressure points, and it’s generally not supposed to be painful. But considering this woman just tried to kill her barely legal daughter a few moments ago, excuse me for being a bit suspicious.)

I actually felt kind of vindicated when Kitsu-Kira, took all those damn needles out of her back, used them to make the number 115 on the headboard of her bed, and escaped, leaving her asshat parents to think about what they’d done.   Hopefully fox Kira was smart enough to call Child Services on her way out the door . . .

In Which Every Supporting Character in Beacon Hills is Gay (and wants to sleep with Mason)

Watch out, Evil Theo. You’ve got competition in the Sex Pot Department. Mason’s been macking it with so many chimeras and wolves lately, his tongue probably has rabies.

He gets another one this week. This time it’s the boyfriend of the chimera he made out with a couple weeks ago, before the latter was brutally murdered. (AWK-WARD!) Mason flirts with him long enough to realize, by golly, he’s a super healing chimera too!

Hey Mason, do you have any chimera in you?

No? Do you want some?

I love you like you’re my sister . . . who I may have murdered, coincidentally.

Outside on Sexy Stakeout, Evil Theo and Stiles eye f*&k one another so hard that if one of them was a woman she’d probably be pregnant by now. Evil Theo is trying to convince Stiles that murdering people is totally cool, if they are douchebags like Donovan and the guy who ate electric wires all the time. “See, I killed Electric Wire Eater, and my eyes didn’t even turn Murderer Blue. That’s God’s way of saying he approves,” Theo explains.

Or it’s because you are not an actual werewolf, but a chimera, made by science, and, therefore, not bound by wolf law . . .

“Yeah . . . I have to admit killing Donovan was kind of fun, especially when all that blood poured out of his mouth like a geyser, and it kind of looked like chocolate . . . a chocolate geyser,” Stiles admits.

“You remind me so much of my sister, who I pushed off a bridge, so she broke her leg and fell near a lake. And then I watched as she died of hypothermia,” says Theo.

“Um? A little help here? I’m dying, kind of?”

“Not really feeling up to it, to be honest. It looks a little chilly down there.”

“WHAT??!!!” Stiles asks incredulously.

“I said I really want us to be friends. And you are hot. So, I’ll always protect you, and occasionally bone your brains out.”

“That second thing you said, didn’t sound at all like the first thing you said,” Stiles muses suspiciously.

“Do you smell something burning?” Theo asks, quick to change the subject.

Speaking of burning . . .

The Scooby Gang (and new chimera, Hayden) all gather at the school. They have this ridiculous idea that they are going to trap the Dredd Doctors there by using high frequency dog whistles or something. Parrish is there too, because he has no friends his own age, and finds all girls over the age of 18, so crusty, old and gross.

“Hey Scott, I know you are supposed to be like my were-dad or something, but I think it’s kind of mean that you are dangling my new girlfriend in front of a bunch of psycho killers, and making her wear a sign on her back that says ‘Please brutally murder me,’” Liam admits.

“Don’t sass me, boy,” Scott lectures. “This is an excellent plan. Trust me, nothing will go wrong.”

“You’re right, Wolf Daddy. I’m sorry,” capitulates Liam.

Five seconds later, everything goes straight to hell . . .

The Dangers of Kinky Sex Without a Safe Word

It’s Dredd Doctor Hallucination time! Let’s start with the sexy ones and work our way back, OK?

Anybody who has ever watched the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey knows that all weird sex should come with a safe word, to make it stop when things get too intense. Ideally, that word should be something you wouldn’t normally say during sex anyway, like “Ohhh,” or “Ahhh,” or “Owwww,” or “Are you almost done? Big Brother starts in five minutes.”

Parrish and Scott clearly didn’t get the memo about the safe words . . .

Parrish is sitting outside the school in his cop car, fondling his Lydia playing card, when Lydia herself appears in the flesh. Now, THAT is a great magic trick!

We know something is off about this soon-to-be sex scene immediately, because (1) Lydia is wearing a completely different outfit than the one she had on a few minutes ago; and (2) Lydia is ravaging Parrish like he is a juicy steak, and she has been on an all kale smoothie diet for weeks.

Sometime during the sex act, Lydia’s makeup comes off, and she starts to look a little rough . . .

Just kidding! Parrish completely burns off her face with his Naked Garbage Man hotness. Fortunately, Lydia doesn’t seem to mind a bit . . . Talk about a ride or die, girl!

Clearly the Dredd Doctors have tapped into both Parrish’s guilt at desiring a high schooler, and his fear that he may be an Evil Naked Garbage Man, who burns kids bodies on a big ole tree, just for fun . . .

All this self-awareness really pisses off Parrish, as we will see in just a bit.

Elsewhere in sexual guilt land, Scott is beating himself up over the fact that he’s totally turned off by Kira, now that she’s constantly wearing that dorky fox costume, and is kind of evil . . .

So, of course, his Dredd Doctor Fantasy involves rough kinky sex with Kira that ends in his own demise.

But what a way to go, am I right, boys?

The Trap Queens

The girls’ Dredd Doctor fears are a bit more shallow then the boys, which is saying a lot considering what you’ve just read above.

Malia spent eight years of her life as a coyote, living in a town covered in coyote traps placed by her own father, so of course, her fear would look something like this . . .

Lydia is a really good kisser, so her fear involves the ripping out of her tongue . . .

Just kidding, I think the loss of tongue fear comes from Lydia worrying that she will never truly be able to harness her banshee power (i.e. her scream) in a way that can actually help her friends. And if that’s the case, then she might as well not have that power at all . . .

In which the most likeable character on the show is murdered, a.k.a Stiles’ jeep

So, remember how I told you that Parrish was really angry that the Dredd Doctors called him out, via hallucination, for being a creeper. (Not to mention the terrible case of these, he undoubtedly received . . .)

Well, Parrish’s anger ended up being bad news for Evil Theo, who got punched in the face. Worse news for Stiles, who got smushed under his car, when Parrish knocked it over. But it was the worst news for Stiles’ poor jeep, Roscoe, which Parrish burned to death.

(I wonder if Theo would consider THIS justifiable homicide . . . you know . . . due to the whole blue balls thing. Not to say that the blue balls were Roscoe’s fault, or anything . . . )

Speaking of Evil Theo, he rescues Stiles from the burning car, saving his life A-GAIN, while Naked Garbage Man Parrish conveniently gets away with yet another chimera body completely unnoticed . . .

Am I being naïve to think, Stiles may be able to revive Roscoe for one more car accident . . . just for old times sake?

Just in case I am, R.I.P. Roscoe. You will truly be missed.   I always liked you better than Scott . . .

In which Scott shows himself to suck just as much at fishing as he does at regular life

When Scott and friends are all done daydreaming, they learn that the Dredd Doctors have kidnapped Liam and Hayden . . . oops.

You see, that’s the thing about bait. In order for it to work, you actually have to keep it attached to the fishing line, not just throw it to the fish, and hope they come onto your line out of the goodness of their hearts . . .

Well . . . THAT happened . . .

Having a slightly better day than her son is Scott’s mom. Not only did she have a pretty adorable flirt session with Sheriff Stilinski (Take that, Lydia’s mom!), she also figured out the relationship between the chimeras. As it turns out, all of them had surgical procedures in which dead people’s body parts were attached to there’s, making them real chimeras/ wuzzles before they became fake monstery ones.

Scott’s mom is feeling pretty darn good about herself, when she arrives home from work. So, of course, Jeff Davis has to crap on that . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Scott versus The Paperback – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Required Reading”

Throughout the seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall and his wolfpack have battled numerous formidable enemies . . . and the Alpha Pack, which was totally lame, obviously.  They have fought Evil Alphas, Kanaimas, Daraches, Berserkers, and a really grumpy-old man, always ultimately reigning victorious.

But now, Scott McCall must face down a new evil, one much more terrifying than all the rest.  And that evil is . .  . a paperback novel at a fourth-grade reading level!

As a recapper who regularly joked about the thinly-veiled illiteracy of Scott and his wolf pack, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel mildly vindicated by the fact that Jeff Davis and co made this into an actual plot point.  Let’s put it this way, of all the main characters in this series, the only one who was actually able to finish that crappy dimestore novel without taking a break for “naptime,” was the one who spent half her young life, eating roadkill and sh*tting in the woods . . .

But what really made Dredd Doctors: A Novel so horrifying, at least to our characters, was not that it was simply “too hard” for our heroes to comprehend (because it was!), it was the memories that attempting to read it brought to the surface of each of the main characters’ minds . . . (none of which actually had to do with the Dredd Doctors, like they were supposed to . . . but hey, why mess with a formula that works, in order to do something as silly as advance plot , right?)

That’s right Werebangers. “Required Reading” was this season’s “Motel California,” and “Party Guessed.” Like these two previous episodes, which, in my mind were two of the strongest in the series’ history, “Required Reading” utilized (though not quite as successfully as its predecessors) a mixture of hallucination and repressed memory to illuminate aspects of our characters’ (like Lydia and Stiles) psyche that wouldn’t necessarily be evident at first blush.

They also made Scott look like an even bigger doofus than usual. . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special thanks to Andre for all the awesome screencaps you see here.  Without them, this recap would probably as much fun to read as Dredd Doctors: A Novel .  . .]

Digging up those HOLES

The cops find eight holes dug up on the football field, and Sheriff Stilinski thinks they each represent new chimeras, i.e just enough freaks of the week for each new episode of this season.  “Though in some episodes, we will probably have to double up on freaks, so everyone on Team Chimera gets a chance to play,” the Sheriff Muses.

I, on the other hand, think Shia LeBeouff dug up those holes, as part of his juvenile delinquent sentence, after he was falsely accused of stealing some sneakers that fell on his head .. .

The Sheriff and Malia then helpfully recap our past freaks of the week, by literally X’ing out pictures of their faces with red marker a la Emily Thorne from Revenge.  Excluded from this board is that creepy black-faced guy from the premiere, because he is not an attractive Abercrombie-model looking teenager, and Teen Wolf, therefore, would like you to forget he existed.  Or, if not forget he existed, at least forget what he looked like . . .

Donovan is hot and young enough looking to be included in this list though!

Sheriff S wants to put an X over his nemesis’ face, but can’t because he hasn’t seen is corpse yet.  And he hasn’t seen his corpse yet, because our Friendly Neighborhood Naked Garbage man has already converted it to Evil Tree Fertilizer.  “Every horror movie ever has taught me that ‘no dead body’ equals ‘no dead teenager,” Sheriff S helpfully offers.

“That’s generally true, except for those situations where said dead teenager, gets made into a shishkabob by a falling ladder part, and his innards erupt into a puddle of grey goo,” mutters Stiles under his breath.

“What?”  Sheriff S and Malia ask.

“I said ‘I’m really hungry for shishkabobs, and I love you too,” replies Stiles.

Then Stiles pees in his pants, because his continued guilt over this asshat’s death is essential to the plot, even though it was totally done in self-defense, and if his dad had watched him do it, he probably would have cheered him on . . .

Briefly during this scene, the characters pose the question of what the chimeras have in common, that makes the Dredd Doctors seek them out, when they are still human.  My theory . . . they’ve all had organs removed  / transplanted.  But more on that in a bit . . .

Punch me if you are horny, baby

“Oh, I know, it hurts so good, baby! So good!”

Half naked, Parrish and Lydia, get hot and sweaty together to pop music under the guise of “jujitsu training.”  The lessons don’t go particularly well, because every time Parrish tries to disarm and take down Lydia, she feels the need to sigh amorously and nuzzle her head into his neck.  And he feels the need to take a break so he can sniff her hair and fondle her breasts.

Apparently, all this foreplay somehow managed to transform Lydia into the badass ninja we saw in the season opener.  I suspect this is because Parrish transferred his ninja powers to the banshee by infusing them into her boobs, while the two were getting to second base .  . .

Mid nipple tease, Lydia gets a Dredd Doctor flashback of some sort, which totally turns her off to future sex acts . . . er . . . I mean “martial arts training” with Parrish.

Don’t worry, Parrish.  I hear bursting into flames on top of a corpse encrusted evil tree is a great cure for blue balls . . . better than cold showers and a self-inflicted hand job, even!

Scott McCall’s Book Club for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

Scott’s entire Scooby Gang meet to read the Dredd Doctor book together, while laying on top of one another on the couch, because apparently reading is contact sport in Scott McCall’s world.  It’s also exhausting, obviously, because after reading exactly two pages a piece, everyone falls asleep.  I suspect this is because most of the crew’s idea of “reading” is doing this . . .

https://youtu.be/O35j9pKAmmo

(Kira, at least has an excuse, according to Mason, because foxes are like soooo illiterate.  Everyone else is just dumb and/or lazy.)

Once the group is safely comatose, Theo helpfully changes into his “I am Evil” t-shirt, grows a black mustache from his baby face, so he can twirl it malevolently, and creeps up to Kira’s bedroom, so he can leer over her for a few minutes like a child molester, and tape her sleep talking with his iPhone.

“Hey Scott,” Theo says to his new/old pal the next morning.  “You don’t know this, but while you were passed out last night after an excruciating  twenty minutes spent sounding out the word ‘Doctor,’ I went up to your girlfriend’s bedroom and dry humped her while she was unconscious.  Does that bother you at all?”

“No, should it?”  Scott inquires, clearly confused.

(Other things that confuse, Scott: sneakers that come with shoe-laces instead of Velcro, double-sided tape, and doors that have the word “Push” written on them, even though they have handles . . .)

“Cool, well, I also taped her pillow talk, and then typed what she said into Google Translate.  It turns out her and her fox costume want to murder us all!”

“Dude, you are so racist.  Not every phrase in Japanese automatically means, ‘I want to murder you all.  Only like 95 % of them do!’” Scott retorts.

“Did you hear me, Scott?  I said I found it on Google Translate.  And Google Translate never ever takes sentences out of context, or attributes to them American meanings that don’t jive with what they actually mean in other countries!”  Theo argues.

“Oh . . . well, in that case, I hate Kira now.  She is evil, and we are totally breaking up,” responds Scott.

“Then, you won’t mind if I have sex with her then, me being secretly evil, and really sh*tty at hiding it and all?  I think we’d be a good love match.”  Theo muses

“Didn’t you already have sex with her last night?”  Scott asks.

“No, we just dry humped . . .” Theo offers.

“OK then, be my guest,” replies Scott.

“Thanks, you are the best!” Theo responds, before heading off to the gym to corrupt and steal Stiles’ girlfriend too!

Obligatory Shirtless Scene in 3 . . . 2 . . .

In the school gym, Theo sees Malia coming to visit him, and quickly disrobes, so that he can hypnotize her into submission with his sexy man nipples.

“I think I’m supposed to be having a conversation with you about how I’m lying to my boyfriend about how my mom, the desert wolf, killed my adoptive mom, but I am too intoxicated by the smell of your man musk, and the way your pecs look covered in sweat to really concentrate on what’s being said in this scene,” says Malia.

“Mwah-hahahaha,” Theo laughs evilly, wishing he didn’t have to be naked for Malia, so he could put on his ‘I am Evil’ shirt again.  (How else will Teen Wolf fans realize this guy is up to no good, if they aren’t reminded of it every three seconds?)

That Will Teach You to Read Books!

Now is the part of the episode, where our main characters get punished for trying to be scholarly.  First up is Lydia.  While helping a fellow student, who she thinks is a chimera, but who actually just suffers from trichotillomania (Google it!) . . .

. .  she flashes back to a time when she accidentally walked into Eichen House to find her grandmother bleeding in a tub, after having supposedly drilled a hole in her own head.  (Though based on the scene where the Dredd Doctors threaten to do the exact same thing to Lydia, Poor Grandma might not be entirely responsible for her own mutilation.)

“They are coming for us, Lydia.  They are coming for us all,” Grandma warns ominously.

I guess it’s pretty obvious why someone would want to repress an effed up memory like that, am I right?  I mean, seeing your grandma naked?   YIKES!  But also the “hole in head” thing . . .

What’s interesting about this hallucination is that it actually tells us quite a bit about why Lydia might have subconsciously been hiding her own intelligence in the first season or so of the series.  We all assumed she did it to be popular.  But, perhaps, there was a part of Lydia that took her grandmother’s terrifying warning to mean that she should cover up those things that make her different from others (i.e. her genius IQ, her banshee powers, etc) at all costs, or risk being persecuted, or worse, hurt, for it . . .

Speaking of Lydia’s banshee powers, after hearing the name of Liam’s love interest chanted during one of her hallucinations, and seeing the gory operation done by the Dredd Doctors on this week’s nameless freak of the week, Lydia figures out that she is somehow able to tap into the memories of other chimeras.

So, Lydia inexplicably gets new powers every week that have absolutely nothing to do with her being a banshee, which makes her Super Girl, basically.

In other heartbreaking hallucination news, Stiles remembered a time when his mother, suffering from dementia caused by a brain tumor, tried to jump off a roof, because she was convinced that Stiles, who was only ten at the time, was trying to murder her.  She even attacked Stiles when he tried to confront her.

Up until this point, we’ve heard bits and pieces about Stiles’ mother’s illness and subsequent death, while getting hints that Stiles felt somehow guilty or responsible for it.  (A perfect example of this was his hallucination during “Party Guessed.”)  However, this is the first time all those pieces are finally put together.

Clearly, there’s a part of Stiles that subconsciously wonders if his mother was right . . . if there is something in Stiles that is inherently wrong or bad.  This part of Stiles may have been what made him such an easy target for possession by the Nogitsune.  It also may explain why Stiles is so wracked with guilt over the part he played in that dirtbag, Donovan’s, death . .  .

In Which Liam Appears to Be On a Completely Different Show Than Everyone Else . . .

While the rest of the cast is suffering from identity crises caused by violent hallucinations, Liam is making googly eyes at new love interest Hayden, while he practices lacrosse, and she inexplicably practices soccer two inches away from him, because, apparently, Beacon Hills High only has one sports field left, after the other one became infested with chimera birthing holes.  Isn’t that . . . like . . . dangerous . . . or something?

Speaking of dangerous?  I bet you all have been losing sleep at night wondering why Love Interest Hayden “hates” Liam.

You haven’t?  Well, too bad.  Because I’m going to tell you, anyway.  Apparently, Liam got into a fight with someone at school, tried to punch him, and accidentally punched Hayden, so her picture for the sixth grade year book was all jacked up.

Why does Mason still have Hayden’s sixth grade yearbook picture on his cell phone after all these years? That’s just weird . . .

I get it.  I mean, it’s totally understandable that Hayden would vow vengeance against Liam for life.  After all, your sixth grade yearbook photo is the most important photograph you will ever take in your entire life . . . aside from your wedding photo, and your graduation from high school photo, and your graduation from college photo, and your “I just had a baby” photo, and your EVERY PHOTO YOU’VE EVER TAKEN AFTER THE AGE OF TEN!

During this episode, we also learn why Hayden needs money so badly that she’s whoring herself out as a bar wench every night at the local gay club.  Apparently, she had a kidney transplant, and the medication she needs for it costs $200 a bottle, which she hopes to repay her sister, who is footing the bill.

So, Hayden is incredibly good at kicking balls, and vain, and poor.  “She must be a chimera,” Liam decides for no reason whatsoever, as he heads to the club to eye screw her some more and pay her back for knocking over her glow sticks a few episodes ago.

(Actually, Hayden’s kidney transplant might actually indicate that she’s a chimera, as evidenced by the fact that according to her sister, she’s suddenly no longer taking her medication, yet experiencing no ill effects from it . ..)

Also, there’s the little fact that Hayden’s eyes get all ghostlike under a blacklight . . .

Speaking of chimeras, we meet another one at Club Cinema.  (The Dredd Doctors must really like the gays.)  Did you catch him?  He was the one that complained to Hayden that his glo-stick burned out, then proceeded to effect the electricity of the entire town, by repeatedly eating electric wires, everywhere he went.

Dude! Just buy a flashlight, and be done with it . . .

We’ll talk more about this week’s Freak in a moment.

But first . . . we must talk about how much Scott sucked at life, this week . . .

True Alph-Failure

Sleeping on the job again . . .

While attempting to sign a drop form for his AP-Bio class, Scott, like Malia, Lydia and Stiles before her had a hallucination about a memory from his past.  In the memory, Scott was attacked by a pack of wolves (who murdered his dog, Roxy?) and it caused him to have his first asthma attack.

Unlike his friends’ hallucinations, Scott’s says nothing at all about his psyche.  It merely notes the irony that a wolf attack initially brought on Scott’s asthma, and a wolf bite cured him of it.

Did I say cured him of it?  Because, apparently, much like herpes, Scott’s asthma is back . . .

Immediately sensing through Pack Mind that his Wolf Daddy is having an asthma attack, despite the fact that Scott has never had an asthma attack in the entire time Liam has known him, Liam rushes to offer Scott an inhaler from a classmate.

Of course, Scott is too dumb to save his own life, so Liam has to go all wolfy on his ass to get him to take a puff in front of a ton of students, possibly blowing his cover as a werewolf in the process.

In other Scott fail news, at the hospital, a Dredd Doctor crushes Scott’s pilfered inhaler, and he proceeds to lay on the floor and take the abuse like a b*tch, forcing Malia and his own human mother to fight his battle for him . . .

“We should never have read that book,” Scott exclaims, as he is cowering in the corner of an elevator like a toddler.

Sure, Scott.  Blame “reading” for your problems . . .

Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere . . .

R.I.P. Electric Wire Eating Guy.  We barely knew ye . . .

If Scott is a failure at life, Stiles fails at luck.  I mean, the poor guy can’t even have a good old-fashioned traumatic hallucination from his past, without his life being put in danger once again.  Stiles awakens from the memory of his own mother attacking him to find Electric-Wire Eating guy doing the same thing.

Fortunately, Evil Theo arrives just in time to quickly and brutally murder Electric Wire Eating Guy, like it’s no big thing.  (Take note, Stiles!)  As we know, most werewolves eyes turn perma-blue after they commit a murder, but Theo’s stay gold, indicating that he might be a chimera as well.  “Don’t tell Scott about my chimera murder, and I won’t tell him about yours,” Theo promises Stiles.  “You can trust me.”

“But you are wearing an ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt, drinking blood and murdering a tiny puppy with your bare hands while we are having this conversation,” Stiles muses.

“Yeah, but I’m attractive,” responds Theo.  “And everyone knows that hot people are always honest.”

“Works for me,” replies Stiles, as he shakes the devil’s bloody paw.

And that was “Required Reading” in a nutshell.  Until next time, Werebangers!

Don’t Wanna Be Your Monkey Wrench – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “A Novel Approach”

The problem with supernaturally “gifted” do-gooder heroes like Scott McCall, is that they tend to be a bit boring judgey. There are only so many times one person can vanquish the Big Bad, sacrifice his safety for that of the group, rescue the helpless, rally the troops, mentor the naïve, and champion the misunderstood, without it going to his head . . . without the hero starting to believe that everyone he cares about must live by his rigid moral code, or else.

Back in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall was a character who was still figuring things out. He struggled with violent impulses toward his adversaries, as he managed his new wolf-like temper. He battled with lust, and found himself giving in to temptation with Lydia, even though Stiles was in love with her. His pride kept him on the lacrosse team, despite the fact that his superhuman strength gave him an unfair advantage against most of his teammates and opponents. And Peter’s seductive offers of power, made him seriously consider turning to the darkside, on more than one occasion.

Now, in Season 5, Scott McCall is a different animal (pun intended) entirely. He’s even-tempered, virtuous, unfailingly loyal and almost monk-like in his incorruptibility (except for that one episode where he wore a bear mask for ten minutes, but we don’t need to get into that). Alpha Wolf Scott McCall’s world is a 1950’s monochrome. Everything is either good or evil, black or white. There is no in between.

Unfortunately, for Saint McCall, his pack mates still reside within the shades of grey. They recognize that some people can’t be trusted, and aren’t worth saving. They understand that there are some times when good ends are justified by bad means. They are unmistakably human in mind and spirit, even if not entirely in body. And it is that flawed humanity that is throwing some serious monkey wrenches into Scott McCall’s plans to Save the World from the Dredd Doctors.

And, in the case of Scott’s bestie, Stiles, this just happened to come in the form of an actual monkey wrench. . .

This week on Teen Wolf, everyone’s favorite Naked Garbage Man makes another pickup. Malia continues to confirm every bad stereotype that ever existed about female drivers. Third Eye guy becomes, Just Some Middle Aged Dude with a Hole in His Head. And Kira confirms her suspicion that electrocuting one’s boyfriend truly is the best form of foreplay.

Let’s review, shall we?

Very Superstitious

As if we needed any more confirmation that the superstition stating that it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder is 100% true, Teen Wolf proudly presents . . .

The Not So Tragic Death of Donovan . . .

I gotta say, as cold opens go, this one was one of Teen Wolf’s stronger submissions. I mean sure, unlike the typical Teen Wolf open, where a character we’ve never met before is put in peril, and we are legitimately uncertain as to whether they will live or die, Stiles’ surviving this “hand with a mouth drawn on it” mauling . . .

. . . was not in question here. And yet, despite that, Dylan O’Brien’s ability to silently (apart from some seriously heavy breathing that seemed in desperate need of an inhaler) convey Stiles’ utter terror, as Donovan tracked him from the car to the library, his impulsive decision to use the monkey wrench to loosen the screws on the ladder nearest to the one he was ascending, and his conflicting feelings of guilt, horror, relief, and even a slight bit of satisfaction at Donovan’s gory demise at his own hand, was riveting to watch.

Also, let’s face it. Some people in this world just deserve to be made into a human shishkabob.

Then, we get to the part where Stiles calls 911 to report the dead body, and returns to the scene just seconds later, only to find it scooped up by our Naked Garbage Man. (Who just so happened to be wearing clothes this week. What’s the fun in that?)

So, now we know that Naked Garbage Man doesn’t just retrieve bodies, carry them to the Nemeton, and burn them out of existence with his hot bod, he also cleans up crime scenes like a champ.

Clearly, Parrish is much better at his Naked Garbage Man job than his cop job . . .

But it does beg the question, of how Parrish got there so fast.   Do the Dredd Doctors have him on speed dial? Does the playing card with Lydia’s face on it scream at him, banshee style, whenever he needs to pick up a new corpse? (Typical nagging cardboard girlfriend!)   Does he just hang around Scott and Stiles, knowing that these guys are pretty much guaranteed to produce a supernatural corpse in the cold open of every episode?

More importantly, does being a Naked Garbage Man come with a 401K plan?

Scott McCall’s Book Club

Having already read all the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series, including that astonishingly bad one from Christian’s perspective, Scott’s wolf pack decides to read something a bit more relevant to their lives . . . that book about the Dredd Doctors they stole from Now-Dead Tracey’s house! Kira kindly offers to make a photocopy of the darn thing, which, anyone who has ever tried to photocopy a teeny tiny soft cover paperback will tell you, is pretty much the most mind-numbingly awful job ever. (No wonder she electrocuted Scott later in the episode, to get him back for making her do it.)

SO MANY PAPER CUTS!

“If you want to be in our pack, you have to participate in our book club,” Scott tells Theo, in no uncertain terms, as he shows him the copy of the Dredd doctor book.

“Wait, you guys are in a book club? But I thought you were all virtually illiterate,” Theo wonders out loud.

“Malia and I are virtually illiterate,” Scott explains. “But Stiles is only illiterate when he’s void Stiles, and everyone else can read to us just fine. Lydia even does these really great character voices, which make me giggle. Do you do character voices, Theo? Because you will be much more likely to get into the pack if you can.”

“Hey check out the back page of this book,” Theo demands, as he laughs maniacally and winks at the camera.

“Why?” Scott asks, flustered. “Nobody reads the acknowledgement page in a book, except the people being acknowledged, because it’s basically the book equivalent of the boring part of Oscar acceptance speeches, only without the pretty dresses and manufactured tears. I’m a functioning illiterate, and even I know that.”

Theo rolls his eyes. “Look, it’s imperative that you read the acknowledgement page of this book, read Dr. Valack’s name on it, and go visit him in the mental hospital, because he wrote this book, and my bosses, the Dredd Doctors, need you to see him, for reasons.”

“But if he wrote the book, why didn’t he put his name on the front cover, as the author?” Scott question. “This way I would absolutely read it, unlike the acknowledgement page, which nobody reads.”

“Whatever, Scott,” Theo replies exasperatedly. “Just do what I say mindlessly, and leave the thinking on this show to the smart characters like Stiles and Lydia. I’ve got to go worship the Devil, torture some live puppies, and brainwash Malia into being my loyal sex slave. Peace out.”

When Something is Lost, Always Consult Your Fox Costume . . .

Later that night, Scott and Kira are sleeping together, because Kira’s parents think there is absolutely nothing wrong with their only minor daughter sharing a bed with her werewolf boyfriend, and are not at all worried that she will one-day wake up to find she’s given birth to a litter of were-fox babies, who will ruin her young life. (Note: Scott’s mom would probably be bothered by this, but, seeing as she’s the only nurse / anesthesiologist / coroner / doctor / sometime surgeon left alive in Beacon Hills, she works 24-hours a day, and hasn’t been out of her scrubs since approximately 1996.)

“If I think really hard, I can still sort of remember a time when I used to get laid . . .”

Kira starts speaking Japanese in her sleep, and Scott appears totally turned off by it. But, of course, he has to pretend he’s not turned off by it, because being turned off by it most probably makes him a racist.

Later, when Kira’s ugly ass belt (seriously, that thing is hideous) goes missing, she asks Scott to look at her with his red hangover eyes to help her find it. When Scott turns on his Creepo-vision, he sees Kira’s fox head (which looks oddly bear-like for a fox, no?) helpfully pointing out the belt’s location for Scott.

Ummm . . . so basically, this was the writers’ clever way of illustrating that Fox Kira and Kira-Kira aren’t the same entity? So Fox Kira knew where the ugly ass belt was, but Kira-Kira didn’t? If so, why didn’t Fox Kira just tell Kira-Kira where the ugly ass belt was, instead of going through Scott’s Creepo-vision?

Anywhoo, Kira now has her belt. And they all can live unfashionably ever after . . .

Driving Miss Crazy

Because Malia used to be a mental patient at Eichen House, and could possibly decide she likes it better in the nuthouse where she had a better haircut, than at Beacon Hills, if she returns, our sassy were-coyote isn’t invited on the pack’s Journey into Evil this week.

Instead, she is stuck reading that crappy book, into which the author nonsensically inserted himself into the Acknowledgement page. “Hey, Malia, want to ride my car?” Theo asks, looking so shady as he confronts her, that he might as well be curling an evil black mustache, and strangling an angel child with his bare hands, as he speaks.

“Is that a euphemism for sex?” Malia wonders, as Evil Theo not-at-all subtly undresses her with his eyes.

“Absolutely, but I’d like you to almost murder me in my own car, before we sleep together, just to make sure we really like one another,” responds Theo.

In Theo’s car, he tries to impress Malia with how not frightened of death he is, by instructing her to speed, and drive with her hands at the bottom of the wheel, like she’s a pimp in a rap video. Because everybody knows that those who are incapable of driving like “normal” people are always the absolute best at driving like “cool people.”

(This reminds me of the time when I was learning how to drive, and my dad instructed me to do it by resting my knees on the steering wheel only. Basically, I think he just wanted to take the piss out of my mom, who was in the backseat at the time, clutching the armrests for dear life. . .)

Inevitably Malia goes into her usual PTSD mode, and nearly crashes the car, only to have Theo, inexplicably, roll out of the car on top of her, so he can “stare lovingly into her eyes.”

This time, however, Malia actually remembers a useful piece of information during her fourth traumatic brush with death-via-motor vehicle of the year. “Hey, my evil mother shot at my adopted mom and sister, the day I thought I turned into a were-coyote and killed them inside the family car. This makes me potentially innocent of murder! It also means my parents are even more despicable humans than originally imagined!”

Eichen Louse

Though Stiles was once a mental patient just like Malia, and is clearly experiencing PTSD, himself, from that one time earlier this episode when he murdered a dude, he still decides to accompany Lydia to see Dr. Valack, because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuves her. (Which is totally cool by the way, because sex between Malia and Evil Theo is inevitable this season, obviously).

I like how Lydia recognizes immediately that something is up with Stiles, and that he is injured and sad, lets him know that she knows, but doesn’t judge him or press him for information until he’s ready to talk about it. She instinctively understands that he needs to be there for Lydia, while they do this, just as much as Lydia needs him.

This, when Scott, who has been friends with Stiles for way longer, is completely clueless . . .  so clueless in fact, that he “confides” in his friend, that he thinks Kira might be turning into a terrible person, because she almost killed the evil scorpion thing that was trying to murder them all at the Random Dancing night club.

“Ummmm . . . maybe she did it in self-defense?” Stiles offers, hopefully, as he contemplates telling his friend about his own dalliance with freak-of-the-week murder.

“No way,” responds Scott. “All murderers deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier? Something about you and Donovan?”

Stiles whistles uncomfortably, as he, Scott, Kira and Lydia enter Eichen House.

Once inside the nuthouse, Kira is immediately forced to take off her hideous belt, so it doesn’t frighten the mental patients with its ugliness. Then, Scott and Kira learn that they can’t cross into Valack’s chamber, because it’s protected by mountain ash, and they are supernatural creatures. (Not sure why Lydia wasn’t kept out too, seeing as she’s a banshee and all, but . . . details.)

“Hey Third Eye Guy,” Lydia and Stiles begin conversationally. “What’s up with this crappy book, you wrote, but pretended you didn’t, by writing your name on a page of it that nobody will read?”

“I wrote it so you crazy kids would remember the Dredd Doctors, and how the last time they came to Beacon Hills, they gave you all anal probes, and made you bark like dogs, for five straight hours, just for fun. Oh yeah, and then they buried a bunch of teenagers in holes, and turned them into Wuzzle Killing Machines.”

“Ha, joke is on you,” responds Stiles. “Because Lydia and I are the only people in Beacon Hills who know how to read.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” Third Eye Guy asks. “Scream into this tape recorder, Banshee, so I can press it against the glass holding me in this cell, shatter it, and escape.”

“But if I’m screaming in front of your cell, won’t that break the glass anyway, without the tape recorder?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Oh, absolutely, but this makes it way more dramatic,” Third Eye Guy Explains.

Meanwhile, out at the entrance to Eichen House, Kira is starting to short circuit, and the electric currents she shoots out of her body, totally screw with Eichen House’s security system, allowing the Dredd Doctors to enter, as was their original plan.   Scott carries Electric Kira to safety, suffering severe burns all over his body in the process.

“Hey, I remember I told you I loved you in last week’s episode!” Scott exclaims.

“Glad all it took was an electrocution to get you to recall something you said less than 48 hours ago,” replies Kira. “Just be thankful you are pretty.”

Inside Eichen House, the Dredd Doctors extract Third Eye Guy’s third eye, immediately converting him from somebody cool, into just some dumb schlub who doesn’t understand that no one reads the Acknowledgement page on books.

“Now, the party don’t start, til we walk in!”

Then, now Boring Two-Eyed Valack plays the tape Lydia made for him about ten minutes ago, and her scream from the recorder, breaks the glass of his cell, even though her scream in real life did not. He escapes into the night, rendering the population of Beacon Hills just a bit more filled with crazy-eyed insane-os than it was at the beginning of the episode . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Random Dancing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Condition Terminal”

Brings new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

If you were a child of the 00s (which I wasn’t . . . I just have really juvenile taste in television) you undoubtedly remember the television show iCarly.  And if you remember iCarly, you undoubtedly remember the segment of the show called Random Dancing.   In case you don’t remember it, or have no clue what the heck I’m talking about, it went a little something like this . . .

So, why am I bringing up iCarly in my Teen Wolf recap introduction? Well, because Random Dancing is pretty much the best metaphor I can think of for this particular episode. It was colorful. It was musical. It was kind of funny (though not necessarily intentionally so). It featured characters dancing. And each individual scene seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with that which came directly before or after it.

This is not to say that I disliked “Condition Terminal.” (After all, Random Dancing has always been one of my favorite parts of . . . that and Freddie, because Freddie is awesome). I just didn’t entirely “get it.”

Anywhoo, this week on Teen Wolf, Parrish got a second job moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Man.   Kira began to exhibit signs of kitsune PMS.  Some guy got a bunch of boners on his arms from making out with Mason (How embarrassing!).  Scott continued to fail at life.  And Stiles continued to fail at the art of motor vehicle maintenance (and looking behind you when some guy is about to maul you with the weird mouth thing imprinted on his hand).

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always all the awards go to Andre for what will undoubtedly be the best part of this recap . . . the pictures.]

On Card Tricks and Dating Dealbreakers

I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush on someone, the first thing I do is have playing cards made up to look like that person, so I can do this card trick where I pretend to repeatedly burn and unburn their faces off.

Just kidding. I don’t really do that. Because that would be creepy . . . Parrish!

The episode begins with everyone’s favorite occasionally-burns-while-naked Deputy, laying on the couch playing with himself and his “Lydia is my Red Queen” playing cards.

Wait, that didn’t come out right.   What I meant to say is . . .Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I meant to say.

Anywhoo . . . while Parrish is “playing” he thinks back to a time in the not-so-distant past when Lydia tried to hypnotize him with her beauty, so he didn’t realize she was burning off his hand with her lighter.

(Wow, teenage foreplay has really changed, since I’ve been in high school.)

Lydia’s plan ends up backfiring, however. Because Lydia’s beauty, coupled with the fact that Parrish is probably a Phoenix, makes Parrish’s skin impervious to flame. So, the only one who ends up getting burned is Lydia, herself.  We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies?

“Hey, what were you thinking about, when I was trying to burn off your extremities for sh*ts and giggles?”   Lydia inquires conversationally, after this super fun game is over.

“Oh nothing,” replies Parrish, “except for the recurring ‘dream’ I have, which is obviously reality because all dreams on this show are real, of wandering around naked carrying dead bodies to a big ole tree stump and incinerating them with my hot bod. I’m not going to tell you about the whole incineration via hot bod part, because then you won’t want to sleep with me anymore. Oops, I just said that out loud didn’t I?”

“Don’t worry, Parrish,” Lydia reassures her meathead of a new beau. “If you watched the first four seasons of this show, you would know that I pick my lovers based on the fact that I have an obvious death wish. Case in point: my last three boyfriends, were a sociopathic Alpha Wolf, who murdered his pack leader, and spent half a season trying to murder my best friends, a psycho Alpha Wolf who made me drug all my friends at my birthday party, and conduct a ritual to bring him back from the dead, and a psychopathic lizard, who murdered six or seven complete strangers, and paralyzed a few of my friends, because this random kid told him to do it. You’ll fit right in!”

Adventures in Sociopathic Dentistry

“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little laughing gas around here?”

Speaking of sociopaths, graduate schools in The Land of Teen Wolf Big Bads must be really good, because the Dredd Doctors, somehow, managed to go to medical school and dental school at the same time! Their dentistry professor? This Guy!

Thanks to whatever the heck it was the doctors injected into Donovan (who the doctors have conveniently broken out of jail, by the way) last week, they are now able to pull out all of his “baby teeth,” and Wendigo fangs immediately sprout in their place.

“The ladies are going to love these! You know what they say about guys with big teeth, don’t you? Swollen gums!”

Donovan also gets a second set of Wendigo fangs on his wrist, because you never know when you’ll get really hungry, while your first mouth is otherwise engaged . . .

Hey, look it’s the Not-So-Secretly-Evil New Member of Scott’s Pack, Theo! He’s come to visit Donovan, and tell him to kill Stiles, to get back at Sheriff Stilinski for making him flunk Deputy school . . .

Hey, not to go against Aria’s brother from Pretty Little Liars, Donovan, but shouldn’t you be thanking Sheriff Stilinski? Because last I checked, unless you happen to be moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Men of Wuzzles like Parrish, being a deputy in Beacon Hills is pretty much a first class ticket to the morgue.

Then again, so is being a Wuzzle in Beacon Hills, so you are pretty much screwed either way.

Sorry Bumblelion!

Here’s my theory. I think Theo is going to “save” Stiles from Donovan, next week, thereby earning him formal membership into Scott’s pack, and a direct ability to turn all Scott’s friends against him / steal his true Alpha powers . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the sheriff’s office and clean up the pile of drool that became of last week’s Wuzzle, Tracey.

In Which You Get Your Weekly Lesson in Totally Random Mythology and Not Particularly Scientifically Accurate Genetics

Not to start a shipper war, or anything, but I’m totally starting a shipper war.

Anyone who thinks that lunkhead Parrish is a better choice for Lydia’s main squeeze than Stiles, please observe this silently subtle scene where a devastated Stiles reacts to seeing Lydia stabbed in the stomach, and bleeding out on the floor, and Lydia bravely assures him she’s OK, so he can carry out his pack duties with Scott.

Yeah, yeah, I know Stiles and Malia are supposed to be totally MFEO (Made for Each Other), and the werecoyote is gradually growing on me as a character. But still!

Not-So-Secretly-Evil Theo rushes in to tourniquet Lydia’s wound, which earns him some grudging respect from the clearly-smitten Stiles, as was intended.

Meanwhile downstairs, Malia is trying to convince everyone she didn’t kill Tracey. “Look, she’s drooling that silver crap, and no part of her is eaten. If it were me, I would have nibbled on her drumstick thigh, because it’s the tastiest part of a wuzzle. Much more flavor than the arm. Just saying. It was those Dredd Doctor things that killed her.”

Because they don’t want to alert Beacon Hills to the existence of Wuzzles, Scott’s pack decide to take Tracey’s gross dead body back to Deaton’s office, where he can give a parting boring monologue about genetics, before he skips off to star in a few episodes of The Walking Dead.

“Look, it’s my baby teeth! I saved them in a jar, because I’m adorable . . . and because I have way too much time on my hands.”

“The fact that Tracey was able to cross the mountain ash, and has the body parts of two past supernatural villain creatures on the show, means she’s a genetic freak, not a supernatural one,” Deaton explains.

“Are you saying that an adult’s genetic code can be altered at will by injection? Because that sounds like kind of crappy scientific logic,” the pack muses.

“To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”

Later in science class, Scott’s awful AP Bio teacher, whose probably going to end up being Malia’s mom, or something, conveniently teaches Scott about wuzzles, calling them “chimeras,” but I think wuzzle is a better name for them, personally.

She goads Scott into picking up a drop form for her class, and then seems sad, when he actually takes her advice.

Women . . . sheesh. I am one, and sometimes I don’t understand us . . .

Jujitsu? I Hardly Know You!

Back at the hospital, Lydia day dreams that she is a victim of the Dredd Doctors, while she’s in surgery for her belly wound. But, obviously, it’s real, because, like I said earlier, dreams on this show are always real.

Then, Parrish creepily watches her sleep, envisions burning her face off with his finger, like he did with the playing card that looks like her, and offers to teach he jujitsu, because . . . plot reasons.

Aren’t Crime Scenes Sacred Anymore?

Meanwhile, Malia sashays into Tracey’s house, and thumbs around her personal belongings, because, in Beacon Hills, crime scenes are easier to get into than R-rated movies, and admission is free!

There, she comes across this book, which isn’t actually a real book, by the way. I know, because I checked . . .

In other Malia news, she decides to put her search for her mother on hold, to help her pack mates with Beacon Hill’s Wuzzle Problem.

Awww, our little werecoyote is putting other’s needs before her own. She’s all grown up!

In fact, she’s the most grown-up almost 30-year old playing a teenage girl, since, well, all the other almost 30-year olds playing teenage girls on this show . . .

Twerking with your Wuzzle of the Week

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Jeff Davis decides he hasn’t done a gay nightclub / techno dancing sequence yet this season, and so we get Club Sinema.

Apparently, just as we’ve all long suspected, nearly every male in Beacon Hills conveniently happens to be a homosexual . . .

. . . including Brett . . .

. . . and Mason . . .

. . . and our wuzzle of the week, Lucas, whose cover is totally blown, when his arm boners, accidentally flay his boyfriend . . .

Also at cinema is Scott’s Mini Me, Liam, and his love interest, who got a job working as a bar wench at an over 21 night club, despite looking about 12, because she’s “poor” or something . . . also because the bar owner is probably a pedophile.

Lucas’ arm-boner problem gets him into trouble, once again, when he’s making out with Mason. Fortunately, help is on the way. En route to the scene of the soon-to-be crime, Scott tells Kira he loves her, because no place is a more romantic place for a straight couple to exchange “I love yous” for the first time, than outside the gay nightclub, where your friends are possibly being murdered.

Scott and co easily disarm Lucas, because, apart from the whole arm boner thing, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I mean, sure he made his boyfriend’s arm look like bacon, but he apologized for it! In short, Lucas just wants what every teenage gay boy wants, to hide his sexual dysfunction long enough to get laid.

Nighty night!

Then, Kira turns all Powderpuff girl again, and tries to kill Lucas, for no good reason whatsoever. Fortunately, Scott stops Kira from doing this just in time, and looks at her with these seriously judgy eyes. “Hey Kira, you’ve been acting like kind of a b*tch lately. Is it your time of month?”

“Hey Scott, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to blame a woman’s emotions on PMS?” Kira scolds.

“Yeah, sorry,” Scott apologizes.

“Just kidding. It’s totally PMS. And I’m going to try to murder you in your sleep every night for the next three-to-five days,” Kira adds with a giggle.

Then, the Dredd Doctors murder Lucas for no discernable reason, whatsoever.

“Hey, why did you do that?”   Scott asks dumbfoundedly. “He was kind of hot.”

“Because we are the bad guys, duh!” The Dredd Doctors reply, before exiting stage left.

Back in the morgue, Scott is sad about Lucas’ untimely demise. “I should have saved him,” he complains to his mother.

“Stop shoulding all over yourself,” Scott’s mom replies.

“Hey, I stopped pooping the bed when I was ten,” Scott argues.

“I said ‘shoulding’ you dummy,” Scott’s mom answers. “What I mean, is stop beating yourself up. If you weren’t absolutely terrible at your job of saving your friends from horribly excruciating supernatural deaths, you wouldn’t be my son.”

“Awww! Thanks mom!” Scott responds.

More Naked Parrish? – Jeff Davis says, “Your Welcome.”

Later that night, Naked Garbage Man of Wuzzles, steals Arm Boner Lucas from the morgue, carries him to that big ole tree stump that was a big plot point a few seasons back, and burns his body to ash.   Meanwhile in Hell, Darach Jennifer cries, because if she had a Naked Garbage Man helping her out during her season, she might still be alive and humping Derek Hale today . . .

Bummer!

In Which Stiles Gets One Hell of a Hickey

In the final scene of the episode, Stiles fixes his broken down jeep with tape, because he, like everyone else on this show, has an obvious death wish.

Then Donovan comes with that extra mouth on his hand, and uses it to place a rather large hickey on my favorite character’s neck.

How exactly are you going to explain that one to your girlfriend, Stiles?

Until next time, Werebangers!