And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

Xanax Makes Everything Better – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 5 and 6

Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!

After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .

. . . this b*tch . . .

Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .

And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .

But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .

Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .

So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

So Many Balls, So Little Time – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 3 and 4

Greetings Galavantians! And welcome to week two of ABC’s four-week medieval musical extravaganza, Galavant . . . the show where three quarters of the songs are about male genitalia and I’m still rooting for the bad guy to win.

While most of you were off enjoying Globes that were Golden, I was busy being entertained by balls of an entirely different sort . . .

. . . or lack thereof, as in the case of this eunuch (who may or may not be Varys from Game of Thrones‘s dumber, but slightly more jovial twin brother) . . .

No seriously, watching this guy get his non-balls get kicked repeatedly was one of the highlights of this episode, which undoubtedly says terrible things about me as a human being.

Also in the balls category, as in soirees, Galavant’s first half hour featured not one, but two wild and crazy parties (i.e., the kind of balls you won’t find attached to a eunuch’s groin) . . .

. . . neither of which featured Matthew McConaughey or his beard, unfortunately.

And definitely no Meryl Streep.

The second half hour of Galavant was a dream come true for anyone who has ever laid in bed at night and wondered, “Golly gee, I wonder what Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey would look like as a pirate.”

I know I have!

. . . also MORE BALLS! This time, belonging to This Guy . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

“Maybe You’re Not the Worst Thing Ever” – A Recap of Galavant’s “Joust Friends”

“Your frigid and demanding, I shudder at your call.

Whenever you come near me, my skin begins to crawl.

But sometimes there are moments, I’m not repelled at all.

Maybe, you’re not the worst thing ever.”

– Galavant – Episode 2

So says the final song of the first of two episodes of ABC’s Galavant, an eight-part medieval musical miniseries conveniently squatting in Once Upon a Time’s time slot over the next few weeks. They also pretty much embody my feelings toward the series pilot in general.

Although there were some genuine moments of laugh-out-loud funny, this sitcom gets bogged down by a mish-mash of other ho-hum stuff like a tired musical training montage, a forced will they/won’t they/obviously they will love-hate relationship between the lead and his “princess in distress,” and a few winking Game of Thrones references.

(And don’t even get me started on the Galavant-inspired singing commercials we had to endure throughout the hour. If I never hear anyone sing a song about ABC’s Revenge again for as long as I live, it will be too soon . . . although I suspect I will . . . probably as early as next week.)

On a lighter note, the Evil King is my absolute favorite! Is it terrible that I’m genuinely 100% rooting for the bad guy to win in this one?

So, get on your high horses, raise your swords high, and try not to get gravy on your tummy flowers, because it’s time to gallop into the weird, wacky world of Galavant . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.