Category Archives: Once Upon a Time

ONCE UPON A TIME: Boys Behaving Badly

“I know there’s a porta-potty around here somewhere!”

[Cross published at Agony Booth.com]

This week on Once, the writers bastardize Beowulf (which, in their defense, couldn’t be made much worse than it already was). Also this week, Rumple tries twice to prevent his kids from becoming assholes like him, and is sort of / kind of successful, but only based on technicalities? In other news, Alt-World Robin Hood thinks Regina is a stage-five clinger. And the marriage proposal we’ve all been waiting for finally happens . . . but with a slight (kind of crappy) catch.

Stop Ogre-Compensating, Dad!

“Beowulf: Making high school kids miserable in their English classes since 975 A.D.”

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve had the misfortune of reading Beowulf (my apologies to the anonymous dude who wrote it back in 975). But if I recall correctly, Beowulf was a hero who killed two monsters, Grendel and Grendel’s mommy (the one played by Angelina Jolie in the movie), eventually became king, and then died fighting a dragon. (OK, so I may have “refreshed my memory” on the plot with Wikipedia. Sue me!)

 

In the Once flashback version, Beowulf is a major douchebag loser, who lets Rumple defeat the ogres for him, using a specialized Ogre Murdering Sword (because Ogre Murdering Swords were totally the Swiss Army knives of the 900s, everyone had them, but few knew how to press the right buttons to get them to work correctly). Then, the “hero” Beowulf gets jealous of Rumple, because he was too wimpy to kill the ogres himself. So, Beowulf turns the town against Rumple, by saying that Rumple was only able to defeat the ogres because he’s EEEE-VIL. The townspeople believe this naturally, because Rumple wears too many sparkles on his face. And everyone knows you can’t trust a man with face sparkles. (My apologies to Edward Cullen from Twilight.)

What’s worse, according to Once, Beowulf MADE up the monster Grendel entirely, just to lure Rumple into a trap and frame him for murdering some townspeople that HE killed himself! (Some anonymous dude from 975 is totally rolling over in his grave right now.)

So, anyway, Rumple’s other son Baelfire (Memba him?) is all up in his dad’s grill about defeating “Grendel” without using any magic to prove to the town that he’s not actually EEE-VIL, despite all the creepy face sparkles. So, Rumple, wanting to impress his kid, gives Baelfire the magical “you can control me” Dark One sword, to ensure that Rumple stays on the “magic-free” wagon. Then, the pair go off into the forest to fight “Grendel,” who, as I already mentioned, doesn’t actually exist in this bastardized version of the classic tale.

Once there, of course, the father and son duo come upon that douchebag Beowulf, who is totally out to ruin Rumple’s already lousy sparkle-face reputation. “Imma let you finish,” responds Rumple, because that’s what a “good” person on the “magic free” wagon would do.

 

But then Baelfire CONTROLS his dad and makes him MURDER BEOWULF!!!!

 

Almost immediately thereafter, Baelfire starts stroking the Dark One Sword like Smeogol on Lord of the Rings, laughs maniacally while twirling his prepubescent mustache fuzz, and tells Rumple they should use the Ogre Murdering Sword to KILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE FUN OF RUMPLE’S SPARKLE FACE!!!

W . . .T . . . F!!!!!

Isn’t this the same Baelfire who ran off to another dimension because he hated all magic, thought his dad was the devil, and was more nonviolent than Ghandi? This is some serious retcon sh*t going on here!

But don’t worry, People Who Actually Care About Plot and Continuity. There’s a fix for that. Rumple just makes Baelfire drink some tea that causes him to forget that he’s actually a shitty human being / murderer with a darkened soul. Baelfire swallows the tea, and is instantly a perfect little angel again. And this, if you think about it, would be a really great and inexpensive way to cure America’s prison overpopulation problem. Just saying . . .

My Handsome Loathsome Hero

Speaking of sons of Rumple who are in desperate need of a spanking, Gideon still wants to murder Emma, the Savior of the Universe, because he thinks this will prove that the Black Fairy is wrong, and he’s a really swell guy. “That makes no sense,” exclaims Rumple, when he confronts his son. “None of this plot makes any sense!”

“Well, you see, Dad.” Gideon begins, “It all started when I was a kid reading that ‘My Handsome Hero’ book mom gave me before I was kidnapped, which she believed would be a substitute for ‘good parenting.’ You know, back when she gave me away to that incompetent Blue Fairy to hide me from your evil ass? Anyway, Black Fairy was all like, ‘You want a be a hero? Then, stop me from beating up this other kid in front of your face. And I didn’t, because the book didn’t have anything in it about how to prevent supernatural child abuse. So, now, here I am, ready to make lots of poor life choices, possibly bring about the apocalypse, and use my effed up childhood as a justification for all of it.”

“Cool,” responds Rumple. “Hey, how would you like some nice tea that will make you forget what an asshole you are. It worked on your half-brother!”

Gideon drinks the tea, then shrugs and explains that it doesn’t work on him.

“Why?” Rumples asks, confused.

“Because the plot says so,” responds Gideon.

So, Gideon continues on with his plan to kill Emma, but first he has to repair the Murder Emma sword that broke the last time he tried to fight her and failed miserably, because Gideon sucks at fighting and at life in general. To repair the sword, Gideon needs the blood of the person who made the sword, who just so happens to be . . . wait for it . . . the same useless Blue Fairy that was responsible for losing Gideon to the Black Fairy, in the first place!

“Perfect,” exclaims Gideon, upon learning this new fact. “Everyone hates the Blue Fairy, and now we finally have an excuse to kill her off the show. I really am going to be a hero!”

But nooooooooo . . . Rumple has to go take Blue Fairy’s blood and NOT kill her, so that he can help his son achieve his stupid and misguided dreams, without darkening his already asshole heart. Dammit! We were this close to finally getting rid of Blue Fairy!

Stupid Rumple! Stupid Conveniently Not Working Forget You Are An Asshole Tea!

Sorry Regina, He’s Just Not That Into You

Elsewhere in Storybrooke, Alt World Robin breaks into Zelena’s house. “Are you trying to steal the baby I tricked the other version of you into putting into my womb?” The Wicked Witch asks nervously.

“Meh, kids are the worst, especially ones made partly from your gene cesspool,” explains Robin. “I just want you to help me skip town, because your sister is sooooooo needy, and keeps trying to fix me. Just in the past hour alone, she’s sent me like fifty texts. And they all say things like: ‘Let’s go to church together.’ ‘What are your thoughts on volunteering at a homeless shelter? ‘Stop kicking puppies and strangling old ladies, because it’s impolite.’”

“Every once in a while, I’ll reply ‘New Phone, Who Dis? But she never believes me,” gripes Alt-World Robin.

Zelena happens to be sympathetic to Alt-World Robin’s plight. She also thinks he’s hot. So, Zelena and Alt World Robin agree to break the protection spell around Storybrooke and skip town together. Unfortunately for them, the potion they make to break the protection spell doesn’t work when they try it.

Eventually, Regina confronts them both, and apologizes for being a Stage Five Clinger to Alt-World Robin. She even offers to help him find a way to break the spell and skip town!

Robin is so thankful to Regina for this, that he considers possibly even sleeping with her clingy ass. But then Regina’s Evil Queen alter ego turns back from a snake to a human, and she’s way hotter and more slutty than Regina. So Alt World Robin decides to sleep with her instead.

The Moral of this Story?: Nice girls who used to be evil, but used a magic potion to separate their evil selves from their bodies, always finish last. Also, don’t be a Stage Five Clinger. It’s a real boner killer!

“Marry Me . . . Even Though I Killed Your Grandfather, But It’s Cool, Because I Didn’t Know It Was Him At The Time.”

So, you know how last week on Once, Hook found out that he killed Prince Charming’s dad, but let Prince Charming go on thinking that the King was responsible for his death, because he didn’t want to screw up his relationship with Emma? (Because murderous secrets NEVER screw up relationships! Right?)

Pirate boots are known for their excellent insulation.

Well, now Hook has decided to come clean with Emma about the murder, but before he can do that, Emma spills the beans to him that she knows he wants to propose to her. She even gives him the engagement ring she found in his undie drawer, and tells him she will say yes, when he does it. (Way to be presumptuous, EMMA!)

So, Hook temporarily tables his grandpa-murdering confession, gets on one knee and proposes to Emma. And it’s a super sweet moment . . . one that’s totally going to bite the guy with the hook for a hand in the ass sooner, rather than later.

Until next time, folks!

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Once Upon a Time: A Not So Charming Ending

(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

This week on Once, we finally found out who murdered Prince Charming’s dad, and it actually wasn’t who you thought it would be . . . until it ended up being exactly who you thought it would be. In other news, someone is getting married . . . maybe. In still other news: Alt-World Robin Hood is a bad kisser, and also kind of a douche.

Let’s hop to it.

Sir Robin of Sucks-ley

How about we get the side plot out of the way first, yeah? Snow White stays asleep through most of this Charming-centric episode, on account of that whole “the couple can’t both be awake at the same time” curse. (Yeah, that’s still a thing.) But the writers do drag her out of bed briefly, once at the beginning, and once at the end of the episode, to talk to Regina about her love life.

That’s right folks, Snow White has officially been relegated to “Sassy Best Friend in a Rom Com” status on this show . . . except, she’s not that sassy. Also, at this point in the show, Regina’s probably tighter with Emma, than she is with Snow White. So, I guess we have to downgrade that role to “Not-So-Sassy Second Best Friend in a Rom Com.”

Anyway, Regina’s all “OMG, Snow I just brought Alt World Robin Hood to the Real World. And he looks just like Dead Robin, because they are both played by the same actor. So, obviously, I am like out of my mind excited about this, because he and I are going to have so much sex that they are going to have to change the name of this show to Once Upon a Porno.”

To this, Snow responds, “Aw hell nah, Girl! You trippin! Have you even watched the first five seasons of this show? Given your luck with men, Alt World Robin is probably either going to be brutally murdered while you watch, in another two episodes, or is going to literally end up being Lord Voldemort (seeing as this series is playing faster and looser with what constitutes “fairytales” and “copyright infringement” with each passing week).

Regina promptly ignores Snow’s advice, like any good Rom Com romantic lead must do, at least for the first 65 to 72 minutes of the movie. She then rushes off to find Robin Hood in the streets where he’s making himself right at home in this new land, by mutilating a basket of small puppies, while attempting to decapitate the Sheriff of Nottingham with his trusty bow and arrow. (OK, OK, the puppy mutilation part is a lie, but you see where I’m going with this, right?)

Really, I just wanted an excuse to post this picture. So cute!

 

Regina manages to stop this Very Public Murder, which she must do because the only other law enforcement official in town (Prince Charming) is currently taking a nap. (Well . . . I guess there’s Emma. Wait . . . is she still a law enforcement official on this show? Or did she quit that job when she got promoted to Savior of the Universe? These are the burning questions that plague me, when I write recaps at 1 a.m. on a work night.)

The Reformed Evil Queen then promptly notices that Robin Hood got a boo-boo on his hand, in the course of his attempted decapitation of another human being. “I have just the thing to fix this,” Regina says excitedly. “Come to my evil lair of potions and spells that you can eventually use to destroy this town, as the probable next Big Bad on this show, and I’ll clean that boo-boo right up, you poor baby.”

(Seriously? Man up, Evil Alt-World Robin Hood! What’s the matter? No one wears Band-Aids anymore? You can even get one of those cute ones with the cartoon characters on them!)

In the Evil Queen’s old evil lair that apparently now doubles as a pediatrician’s office, Regina wastes no time curing Robin’s boo-boo with magic instead of Band-Aids, and sticking her tongue down his throat, in short order. The good news is that he kisses back (otherwise, that would be super awkward). The bad news is the kiss is totally gross, probably because secretly evil Alt World people have notoriously bad dental hygiene.

“Snow, wake up, I made a terrible mistake,” Regina tells her narcoleptic friend toward the end of the episode. “Alt World Robin is a bad kisser, which means he’s probably crap in bed too. What a waste of a perfectly good portal jumping slot. I knew I should have invited Alt World Ryan Gosling instead!”

 

“That should be the least of your problems,” Snow scolds. “Look outside, Alt World Robin is running through the streets carrying your Evil End the World Music Box that he stole from your lair, while punching out The Pope and kicking a baby.”

“Really?” Regina responds. “I should probably do something about that . . . once I finish this delicious mug of chamomile tea you gave me. Is it Sleepytime Brand?”

“Ugh!” Snow groans. “I’m so sick of this sh*t. I’m going back to bed. Wake me up when something interesting actually happens, like the inevitable Apocalypse in two episodes.”

Meanwhile . . .

Cold Case: Charming’s Dead Dad Edition

So much homoeroticism between these two in this episode . . .

The Ghost of Prince Charming’s father haunts his son in the middle of the night to remind him that the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death are a dangling plotline that the show has decided to dredge up again just in time for Captain Hook’s and Emma’s impending nuptials.

That’s right folks. Captain Hook has decided he wants to pop the question to everybody’s favorite Savior. He even went out and bought a ring. Surely, the answer to this Dead Dad Mystery won’t do anything to get in the way of Hook’s dream of marriage to Emma, will it?

So, Prince Charming is pretty uncharacteristically manic throughout most of this episode. (Lack of sleep and hallucinated conversations with ghost dad’s will do that to you.) He quickly enlists Captain Hook’s help in breaking into his daughter’s shed, and stealing her magic Deux Ex Machina. (Hey, we wasted at a third of the episode on Alt Robin’s boo-boos and poor French Kissing skills, so we gotta solve this mystery ASAP.) Hook reluctantly agrees to conspire in Prince Charming’s misdemeanors against his adult daughter, but, fortunately, draws the line at going into Emma’s bedroom stealing her diary, and searching in her underwear drawer for drugs and condoms.

And you do the Hokey Pokey, and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about! *Clap, Clap*

The Purloined Deux Ex Machina informs Prince Charming and Hook that Charming’s dad was last seen in Pleasure Island, a realm featured in the film Pinocchio. And, wouldn’t ya know it? Pinocchio just so happens to be back on the show in a recurring role! This is doubly important, as Pinocchio not only happened to see Charming’s dad, shortly before his untimely demise, he is also The Author with All The Answers to Everything That Happens on This Show!

Through a mixture of flashbacks and Pinocchio narration, we learn that Charming’s dad was a poor drunk who was forced to give up one of his twin sons to Rumplestilskin, in exchange for purchasing the ailment to an illness they both were experiencing at the time. A few years later, Charming’s dad is getting soused at a pub, when the king stops in to inform everyone that his son is missing. The king’s son, just so happens to have the same name as the kid Charming’s dad gave up, James. So, of course they have to be the same person, because who the heck names their kid “James,” right? (I mean, apart from roughly ten percent of the population at any given moment in American history.)

Charming’s dad, who, up until this point, didn’t give two flying f*cks about the kid he did get to keep, is now completely dead set on rescuing the one who is now a rich prince. Baby Charming gives pops a lucky coin for the road, which later ends up being found on his rotted corpse. (Should have gone for a rabbit’s foot or four leaf clover instead, maybe?)

Rumplestilskin, who, as we know, has a soft spot in his heart for screw-up dads hoping to reunite with their kids, so they could screw them up even more, rather willingly offers Charming’s dad the current whereabouts of James. It turns out, the little schmo ran off to Pleasure Island.

Once in Pleasure Island and with a little help from Plot Device Pinocchio, Charming’s dad finds James, who informs his errant papa that he ran away from home, because he doesn’t want to be a knight and murder people. “Would you rather be the dirt-poor son of a drunk shepherd, in danger of losing his farm, and constantly on the verge of homelessness?” Charming’s dad asks hopefully.

“HELL YEAH!” James exclaims, because sometimes kids are dumb.

Unfortunately, for Charming’s dad, the King easily hunts down him and James, takes back his prodigal adopted son, and orders his henchmen to murder Charming’s dad and make his death look like an accident.

Upon learning the “truth” about what happened to his dad, Charming wants to murder the King HARD! Captain Hook tries to talk some sense into him, and ends up handcuffed to a bike rack for his troubles. When Charming confronts the King, (who is already in jail, by the way) the latter has no remorse for what he’s done AT ALL! This even further infuriates Charming. But just before he can avenge his father’s death, Captain Hook frees himself from the bike rack to stop him.

Just kiss already, you two!

Captain Hook somehow convinces Prince Charming that vengeance is kind of overrated (and HE would know!). This heart-to-heart talk causes (1) Prince Charming to break down in tears, and (2) the two enemies-turned-bromantic-buddies to share the manliest of back pats with one another. So, Captain Hook, of course, sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask for Charming’s blessing for him to marry Emma. (Smooth move, buddy! Get him, while he’s feeling soft, vulnerable and mushy.)

Charming whole-heartedly gives Hook his blessing and welcomes the erstwhile villain officially into the royal family, as the future Mr. Emma Swan (because, let’s be honest, she TOTALLY wears the leather pants in that relationship).

And this, my friends, would be an excellent, happy, and satisfying way to end this episode.

So, of course, the writers had to go and screw it up.

Two minutes before the credits roll, Pinocchio Plot Device comes scooting by on his motorcycle with the pages of the fairytale that made up the flashback in this episode. Hook glances down at them and sees the face of Charming’s dad. This causes him to remember that it was not actually the king’s henchmen, but Hook himself, who murdered his possibly-soon-to-be-wife’s grandfather, during the course of a robbery of those same henchmen.

Oops. Well, THAT’S AWKWARD! We are probably going to want to leave that little yarn out of the wedding’s champagne toast . . .

Until next week, folks!

 

 

 

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Once Upon a Time Recap: Baby Mama Drama

Cross Posted at Agony Booth.com

birth-giving

This week on Once, Belle’s “baby” keeps haunting her dreams, while not so subtly hitting on her, and no one is supposed to think that’s weird. Aladdin becomes a Genie, and moves into a lamp, which I guess beats his prior job of living in a cave and being unemployed. Emma finds the sword that will eventually be used to “kill her,” but doesn’t even consider destroying it, because we still need to drag out this storyline for another few months. Meanwhile, in the past, we meet Rumpel’s mommy, and she’s precisely as awful as you imagined her to be.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Baby-and-Switch

belle-with-b

Once Upon a Time, Rumpel was holding Belle hostage in his castle (a.k.a the golden years of their relationship). One day he brings home a baby he kidnapped, turns to Belle and says, “Whatever you do, please don’t try to save this baby from me,” knowing full well that Belle will do exactly that. Using reverse psychology, i.e. the oldest trick in the book, Rumpel then tricks Belle into translating a fairy incantation he will need to call upon the baby-eating Black Fairy.

Belle, who has grown pretty attached to the kidnapped baby (probably, because it hasn’t cried or pooped in days, and, therefore, is likely some form of robot baby), feels super bad about the part she unwittingly played in it maybe becoming some evil fairy’s Lean Cuisine.

And so, Belle follows Rumpel into the forest where he uses the robot baby to summon the baby-eating Black Fairy. As it turns out, the baby-eating Black Fairy is Rumpel’s MOM! Rumpel didn’t really want the baby to be eaten! He just wants to know why his mother decided to abandon him, when she could have just eaten him, like she does all the other babies in town!

black-fairy

See guys? Rumpel’s really a good guy! He just has Mommy Issues! And that should totally excuse him for all the terrible stuff he’s done over the past six years!

Anywhoo, baby-eating Black Fairy doesn’t seem to have a really good reason as to why she abandoned, rather than ate, Rumpel. (Maybe all the glitter on his baby face would have caused her indigestion!) This gives Rumpel a major case of the sads. No one likes to be rejected by their parents, even if being rejected could potentially save them from having their arms chewed off.

ouat-season-3-rumpel

The good news that came from all this was that the kidnapped robot baby never got eaten either! So, Belle got to return him (or her?) to its rightful owners. And they all lived happily ever after . . . except for Rumpel, who was sad, and his mom, who was still hungry, and Belle, who was still being held hostage . . . So, basically only the kidnapped robot baby and his (or her) parents lived happily ever after.

I’m a Genie in the Bottle, Baby!

Meanwhile, in present day, Jasmine and Aladdin want to use the Genie lamp they found to return to Agrabah and save it from Jafar and other assorted Bad Stuff. But when they shake it, they find that there is no Genie in it, which means they totally got ripped off, and should return it for a full refund. But then, Aladdin says, “Hey, what the heck? I’m broke and homeless, and just got suckered into owning a Genie-less lamp. The least I can do is use it as a rent free apartment and a job opportunity.”

genie-in-lamp

And so Aladdin becomes a Genie, which means that the next person who gets that lamp is also going to be getting a raw deal. Robin Williams this guy most definitely is not. I mean unless the owner is wishing for someone who can alternate between twelve accents in a single sentence, they are probably out of luck.

The Sister Act

horny

 

Rumpel tells the Evil Queen that she wants to keep boning him, she has to kill her sister, the Wicked Witch, first. As, we’ve previously established, the Evil Queen is super horny, and, therefore, sees this as a small price to pay for some nookie. So, the Evil Queen goes to the Wicked Witch’s house to murder her, but instructs the Witch to put down her daughter first. (See? The Evil Queen isn’t a TOTAL monster. Then again, maybe she just plans on feeding the Wicked Witch’s kid to the baby-eating Black Fairy.)

life-sav

Right when the Evil Queen is about to murder the Wicked Witch, Regina stops her, using their shared heart as leverage. When the Wicked Witch thanks Regina for saving her life, Regina responds, “I didn’t do it for you. I did it because I’m a ‘good person’ now. And being a good person gives me the right to occasionally be a self-righteous prick, and save people’s lives, just to prove how much better I am then them. I still hate your guts though, so toodles.”

sad-zel

The Sword and the Boning

emma-hand

While in Rumpel’s shop to help Belle find the squid ink she believes will protect her from Rumpel (more on that in a bit), Emma and Hook come upon a sword with a red jewel in it that makes Emma’s carpal tunnel and death hallucinations act up really bad. Emma eventually figures out that this is because the sword with the red jewel in it was the one she was stabbed with in her “vision.”

“We should totally have this sword destroyed,” says Hook. “If we do, then we will know that at least one part of your vision won’t come true. And maybe your fate will be changed, and your life will be saved.”

(Or, at least, that’s what Hook would have said if he had a brain in that sexy head of his.)

sword

Instead, Emma and Hook decide to take the instrument of her death home with them, so that she can sleep with it next to her on her bedside table every night, making it super easy and convenient for her killer to take it and use it on her. (Because Emma Swan is nothing if not thoughtful and generous with those who wish her dead.)

Now, for the main storyline of the hour . . .

Belle’s Baby . . . He’s Not Just the Creepy Stalker Guy in Her Dreams Anymore

giving-birth

Belle’s fear that Rumpel will speed up her birth, so he can use the Magical Un-Savior scissors on the pair’s son, so the baby will love his daddy more or something, is confirmed when Rumpel turns a young Asian nun into an old Asian nun, and sends her to Belle as a warning . . . also, I think, as an advertisement for moisture cream and Botox.

As Belle researches a magic spell that will protect her and her unborn child from Rumpel and his Magical Un-Savior scissors, her future “son” Morpheus (who I am growing more and more convinced isn’t actually her son, but rather just some guy who has a mommy fetish and a really creepy crush on Belle) keeps dragging her into his “dream world” to remind her to keep him away from Rumpel (Is that what the cool kids are calling sex nowadays? Dream World? Come on, you can tell me!).

smirk-morph

Of course, being an annoying Dream World guy, Morpheus never actually tells Belle what she has to do to win this Game of Keep Away. Instead, he just keeps cryptically telling her that “she knows what to do.” (For you guys out there who are reading this, all 1.5 of you, this is basically like when your girlfriend or wife is mad at you for some reason, but rather than telling you what it is, just continues to insist that “you know what you did!” It’s totally The Worst, am I right? And this is coming from a woman!)

Rumpel runs into Belle at some point during all of this, and insists that he will never give up on trying to get back his son. Take it to court, buster! Then, Belle leaves and goes to Granny’s Diner, where SOMEONE has laced her tea with quick birthing magic. So, Belle immediately goes into labor.

The nice thing about Quick Birthing Magic, is that it makes labor super easy. So Belle gives birth in about two minutes, without even messing up her makeup or her hair. She’s basically like, “Ow, ow . . .oh, there’s my baby.” Quick Birthing Magic also ensures that the baby is born completely clean with nary a drop of blood, placenta, or guts on his forehead.

looking-clean

Remind me again why Belle was so against this happening? Has Quick Birthing Magic been FDA approved yet? Because I’m willing to bet this drug could make a fortune!

Belle, who believes her baby will never be safe if he’s in Storybrooke with her, gives her child to Blue Fairy to care for “temporarily,” (i.e. until he can come back next season as a surly 15-year old, played by a sexy 25-year old). Belle names the baby Gideon, after a character from her favorite childhood fairytale, and sends him on his way. (Wait, I thought the baby’s name was Morpheus! I told you Creepy Dream Guy was a liar!)

baby-to-fairy

Rumpel arrives shortly after the super speedy and clean birthing has taken place, and is heartbroken that he missed a chance to see his son in his baby form, because the kid is probably going to be ten years old in about three minutes. Belle refuses to tell Rumpel the name of his child, which is kind of cruel. But, in her defense, she may still be confused as to whether his name is Gideon or Morpheus.

Rumpel goes back to his shop to find the Evil Queen gloating. It turns out it was SHE and not him, who dosed Belle with Quick Birthing Magic, in order to put another nail in the coffin of their already deader than dead relationship. “Nice to see Belle left your kid with a fairy, because they totally make the best moms. I mean, look how good YOU turned out,” Evil Queen muses, which is awful, but also kind of hilarious.

talk

Now, Rumpel is super mad at Evil Queen and they are enemies again, which means that their inevitable next Hate Sex scene is probably going to burn my retinas.

Until next time, Oncers!

 

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ONCE UPON A TIME Recap: Stuck in the Mirror with You (S6: Ep 8)

Cross posted at Agonybooth.com

funny

Last week on Once, while I was in Spain, the Evil Queen cast a curse on Snow White and Prince Charming, so that they could never be awake at the same time. Specifically, every time one member of the happy couple tried to suck face with the other, the mere act of face sucking would cause that person to fall into a coma. (You may have experienced something similar when trying to kiss someone with morning mouth.) Also while I was in Spain, someone was elected President of the United States, whose name was most certainly not next to the bubble I darkened on my absentee ballot . . . thus proving that bad things happen everywhere when I leave the country . . .

please-dont-go

This week on Once, I was back in the country, so Henry saved his moms from the mirror they were trapped in, without darkening his soul. AND he got Violet to admit that she still has the hots for him, despite the fact that their honeymoon period is totes over. Balance is hereby restored. You’re welcome. Now, if I could just fix that OTHER matter . . .

Anyway, on to the review . . .

A Kiss Before Snoring

beat-2

beat-1

Because making the best of a bad situation is kind of Prince Charming’s and Snow White’s thing, they decide to equitably divide their shared life in half, so that each gets a chance to take care of their perpetually newborn son, and bond with the rest of Storybrooke, while the other snoozes under the Evil Queen’s curse. Though to be honest, it’s not entirely clear to me how the time schedule works.

sad-snow-looks

 

Does one person get nights and the other get days? Because that wouldn’t be entirely fair. Maybe they alternate days, and actually both sleep at nights, which would be more fair, but seems wasteful, in the sense that the couple should maximize their waking hours, in order to figure out a way to break the curse. (Like for example, Emma, their child, and also their true love, could wake both of her parents with true love’s kiss simultaneously. I mean, wouldn’t that be an obvious first thing to at least try? Maybe if they didn’t spend so much time sleeping and leaving one another cute notes and videos, they could have figured that out by now.)

Maybe I spend way too much time thinking about the nocturnal habits of a fictional couple . . .

Anyway, we get an idea of what life under a shared sleeping curse is like for the Charmings through a cute montage of the perpetually half-comatose couple to the tune of Colours by Donovan, which could just as easily double as a particularly weepy cell phone commercial.

At some point during all this Verizon-approved adorableness, Snow looks in a mirror and realizes, she REALLY needs to lose that awful haircut. Just kidding! She realizes the Evil Queen is watching her through the mirror and angrily shatters it, which coincidentally, is also a great way of dealing with a bad haircut, you can’t immediately correct. If you can’t see it, it’s easier to pretend it isn’t there.

The Mirror Has Two Faces

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Snow White’s aggressive encounter with her bedroom mirror gives Regina the idea to enchant one and use it to entrap the Evil Queen. The only problem with this plan is that Regina and the Evil Queen sort-of / kind of share a brain. And, much like with Snow and Charming’s sleeping curse, only one of the pair seems capable of using it at any given time. This was Evil Queen’s turn at having a brain, so she beat Regina to the punch, switching Regina’s enchanted mirror for a plain one.

So, when Emma and Regina, using Henry as bait, lure the Evil Queen to the beach to entrap her in the mirror, the Evil Queen turns the tables and traps Emma and Regina in the mirror prison instead!

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So that the rest of Storybrooke won’t immediately become wise to the switcheroo, the Evil Queen masquerades as Regina. She also leaves a fake message on Hook’s cell phone from Emma, in which the faux-Savior claims she’s out of town searching for help to break her parent’s sleeping curse. After that though, Regina seemingly gains control of the Shared Brain. As a result, Evil Queen does a terrible job at masquerading as her better half, fooling absolutely NO ONE!

Oh Henry!

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Hook immediately becomes suspicious of Faux-Regina, when Emma fails to answer any of Hook’s twelve phone calls inquiring as to her whereabouts. Ahh, the wonders of modern technology, and the power it has to make even the most masculine of guyliner-wearing boys extremely needy. However, it’s Henry who determines with absolute certainty that Faux-Regina is actually the Evil Queen, when the latter chooses a black tie for Henry to wear to the upcoming dance (Regina would have totally opted for red.), and bitches about the teen’s posture. (Regina thinks slouching is sexy.)

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Now, that he knows his moms are in danger, Henry graciously backs out of going to the dance with Violet, and proceeds to shout at every mirror he comes upon like a raving lunatic, hoping to connect with his parents. This scene, if you think about it, could also serve as a Verizon commercial. Granted, it’s not a sweet sappy one like what Snow and Charming were filming earlier. It’s more like those old school “Can you hear me now,” ones from that guy that eventually jumped ship and switched to Sprint.

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Don’t Wake the Dragon

While stuck in Mirror Prison, the Real Regina and Emma come upon this guy, the Dragon, who magically appears on the show whenever the gang need “mystical” advice from a wise elderly Asian man who talks like Yoda from Star Wars. Not-Yoda tells the pair that they can get out of Mirror Prison, if they repair the conveniently located cracked mirror inside the prison. Oddly enough, Dragon hasn’t used this plan to free himself from Mirror Prison for Reasons.

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Real Regina and Emma start rebuilding the mirror, only to learn that Not-Yoda the Dragon is actually being controlled by the Evil Queen herself, who is holding the Dragon’s heart in her hands. The Evil Queen promptly turns Not-Yoda the Not-Dragon from a wise elderly Asian man into a Bad CGI version of an actual, fire breathing, Savior and Mayor-eating Dragon. So, now Real Regina and Emma are totally screwed. Or are they?

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Oh Henry 2: Electric Boogalo

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Hoping to make Henry evil just like her, the Evil Queen gives Henry a magical hammer she procured from Gold, while they were sucking face earlier in the episode. (Yuck!) The Evil Queen explains that if Henry uses the hammer to squish Dragon’s heart, the Dragon will die, and Emma and Regina will live. Henry tells the Evil Queen not to Darth Vader him into taking an innocent life. It’s a solid metaphor, if ever there was one . . . especially since I made a Yoda reference earlier in the recap, and I like to make everything in this show about me. Except, personally, Henry always struck me more as a Chewbacca type, than Luke Skywalker.

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Anyway, Henry refuses to kill the Dragon. Instead, he uses the hammer to smash through the mirror, freeing Emma and Regina, while leaving Not-Yoda unharmed, if still in his fire-breathing CGI form. It’s a Big Win for Team Good Guys. Even Hook, who hasn’t done anything during the episode but leave incessant phone calls on Emma’s voicemail, gets in on the action, by making empty threats to decapitate the Evil Queen while looking very sexy, because that’s kind of his thing.

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In other good news, Henry attempts to make it up to Violet for skipping out on the school dance, by making his own private party for her at Granny’s. (Oh Henry, you dirty dog, you! Maybe some of the Evil Queen’s Darth Vadering worked after all, if you catch my drift.) At the “dance” for two, Violet admits to Henry that even though she’s been avoiding him like the plague for half a season, she still likes him. In fact, the only reason she’s been treating him like he has an incurable and highly contagious case of the cooties for weeks is . . . wait for it . . . she’s really stressed about school.

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Now, in my personal experience, that’s a “let him down gently” excuse, if ever I’ve heard one. But here in Storybrooke it’s apparently totally legit, and so Henry’s thrilled. As far as the little guy is concerned, he’s going to be hammering Violet’s nail really soon! (See what I did there . . . with the hammer . . . because earlier in the episode . . . oh never mind!)

In Aggressively Abusive Relationship News . . .

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Nothing says loving like handcuffs, false imprisonment, threats of violence and egregious stalking, am I right? Fearing for her and her unborn child’s safety from an increasingly Lifetime Movie Bad Boyfriend-esque Rumpelstiltskin, Belle forms an unholy alliance with Zelena, in the hopes that the latter can make a portal into which Belle can escape into another realm prior to giving birth. In order to make the portal though, Zelena needs a magic wand, which, unfortunately is in Rumpel’s pawn shop, because where else would it be? Zelena and Belle hire Aladdin to break in and steal the wand for them, which he does, if only so that his character can squeeze out just a wee bit more relevance to this season’s plot than he’d have otherwise.

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While in Rump’s shop, the ambiguously accented thief also manages to steal a lamp he claims will help he and Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah. Or will it?

Unfortunately, minutes before Zelena can use the spell to make the portal, Rumpel appears at her home and slaps a gold House Arrest bracelet on Belle. Now, Rump will know where Belle is at all times, regardless of realm.

 

Then, just in case the old “If I can’t have her, no realm can,” line doesn’t render Rumpel enough of a bad boyfriend cliché, he promptly turns to Belle’s frenemy, Zelena, and starts strangling her. After all, violence against women is always a primo characteristic for the romantic male leads on family friendly television shows!

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[Sidenote: Honestly, apart from indicating that this entire season has been a bad dream, I’m not sure how the writers of this show have Rumpel come back from this, and still be seen as a viable candidate for Belle’s heart, without sending a scarily bad message to young women about the kind of men they should be hoping to date in the future.]

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Interestingly enough, Rumpel’s actions against Zelena actually end up hurting Rumpel himself. This is because, apparently, the Wicked Witch cast a spell to ensure that, anytime the Dark One attempts to hurt her, only he will experience the pain. Basically, this is the magical adult version of “I’m rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”

Do you guys remember that gem of a phrase from your childhoods? No? Damn, I’m old.

This makes Rumpel mad, so he goes over to his new girlfriend Evil Queen, who also happens to be Zelena’s sister, and asks her to KILL Zelena for him.

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What a swell guy! Why on Earth would Belle want to let a stud like this slip away?

Until next time, Oncers . . .

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ONCE UPON A TIME RECAP: The Passion of the Pop Tart

Cross Posted at Agony Booth.com!

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“Back on the Jolly Roger, this is what my crew members liked to call foreplay.”

This week on Once, Captain Hook learns that, contrary to popular belief, the best way to make friends and influence people is not by taking their Pop Tarts and murdering their dads. Also this week, the Evil Queen develops a southern accent for some inexplicable reason, and reconnects with an old flame. Oh, and Belle gets an ultrasound . . .

It’s a very wet, but not particularly wild, episode. So, let’s get to it. Shall we?

We all live in a blue-ish submarine . . .

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Once upon a time, Captain Nemo kidnaps Captain Hook from the Jolly Roger and forces him onto his submarine, the Nautilus. Nemo does this, apparently, because he has this magical object aboard his ship that acts as a GPS for Man Pain. And nobody has more Man Pain than the guy with the hook for a hand.

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Captain Nemo, an expert on all things vengeance, believes that its super unhealthy for Captain Hook to spend his life seeking revenge against Rumpel for murdering his side piece (who also happened to be Rumpel’s wife). More healthy? Stomping around under the sea in a scuba suit, while trying to avoid being eaten by a giant CGI octopus.

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(And this is why you shouldn’t take advice from a guy who shares his name with an adorable cartoon fish with a really bad sense of direction.)

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Like all the other guest star characters this season, Captain Nemo has been searching for a key to the Land of Untold Stories . . . a place where he can go to avoid having to face all the people he was a dick to in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.

Helping Nemo to find this key is his first mate, Liam, a guy whose Man Pain Sonar apparently was bleating just as loud as Hook’s, after the murder of his father left him an orphan at a young age.

Hook, Nemo and Liam eventually find the key. Shortly thereafter, though, Hook figures out that Liam is actually his baby brother. This means that Hook is the reason for Liam’s Man Pain, because HE KILLED BOTH THEIR DAD’S! (What a friggin coincidence, right? Of all the Man Pain Submarines 20,000 leagues under the sea, Hook and Liam both ended up on this one!)

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Having never been much for confrontations, unless he’s the one starting them, Hook attempts to make a hasty exit from the Nautilus. Unfortunately, Nemo finds Hook before he can do this. Nemo, bless his heart, truly believes that Big Bro and Little Bro can hash out the whole Dead Dad / Orphan for Life thing over milk and animal crackers. But Liam, upon overhearing Hook’s true identity has other ideas. He wants to KILL HOOK BIG TIME!

A scuffle ensues between the Brothers Man Pain. And Nemo, who dumbly puts himself in the center of the fracas ends up mortally stabbed.

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This gives Liam extra incentive to hightail Nemo to the Land of Untold Stories, so the latter won’t die. It also gives Hook the incentive to get the eff out of there!

Leggo My Pop Tart!

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Though Henry never seemed to have any issue with his mother dating Hook before, this week, he exhibits some plot-convenient “Mom’s New Man is Trying to Be My Dad” angst, when the pirate tosses Henry’s Pop Tart in the trash, and tells him to eat grapefruit and fish for breakfast instead. (Ew?)

Nobody gets in between Henry and his Pop Tarts! Nobody!

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This Pop Tart is pissed!

Evil Queen, who seems to have the same Magical Man Pain GPS system as Captain Nemo, appears out of nowhere to take advantage of this new crack in the otherwise perfect fairytale family unit.

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Under the guise of familial concern, the Queen reveals to Henry the “Cut of Your Savior-Ness” scissors that Hook was supposed to destroy for Emma, but instead kept poorly hidden in his tool box. (Because Hook is kind of a tool. A sexy tool, mind you. But a tool, nonetheless.)

An enraged Henry then takes the “Cut Your Savior-Ness” scissors himself, planning to finish the job his mother had initially assigned to her boyfriend. Hook finds the teen seconds before he can flush the darn things into the sea. And that’s when the pair get kidnapped by, you guessed it, a blue submarine!

This time, Liam, not Nemo, is piloting the submarine, since the Magical Time Stopper of being in the Land of Untold Stories is no longer around to prevent Nemo’s mortal chest wound from running its course. And you don’t need a Man Pain GPS to tell that this brother is PISSED with a capital P at Captain Hook!

Knowing that Liam only wants to kill Hook, not Henry, and believing there only to be one scuba suit aboard the Nautilus (even though there were at least three just minutes earlier in the episode). Hook gallantly offers Henry the escape hatch back to Storybrooke, while the pirate remains to take his death medicine. (Hope Henry knows how to scuba!)

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Fortunately for Hook, Henry must have a Man Pain GPS too, because he only appears to escape the Nautilus, only to return at the exact moment when Liam is about to murder Hook, thereby saving his new father figure’s life. All together now: AWWWWWW!

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You see, apparently, Henry DOES actually consider Hook to be part of his family . . . he just happens to be a part of the family that steals pop tarts and scissors, and has terrible taste in breakfast foods.

Back in Storybrooke, Liam is rushed to the hospital for the injuries he suffered during his ill-fated attempt to murder his big brother. It is there that Liam is united with another patient at the hospital: Nemo. Apparently, in Storybrooke, mortal chest wounds don’t have to be so mortal after all. Anything, for the sake of a happy ending!

Also in Storybrooke, Henry and Hook, having decided to be a Big Happy Family Again, finally drop the “Cut Your Savior-ness” scissors into the sea togeteher. It’s a slightly better hiding spot than inside Hook’s tool box. But not good enough that those scissors don’t find themselves in the wrong hands by the end of the episode . . .

Speaking of wrong hands . . .

Kiss-Tastrophe

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This week hasn’t been a really great one for the Evil Queen. Not only did she fail to drive a permanent wedge between Hook and Henry by taking advantage of the latter’s undying devotion to sugary breakfast foods. She also lost her captive, Jiminey Cricket, to her better half’s employment of the oldest trick in the book: the “oh look over there, it’s a bird” distraction technique.

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I would have expected better from the lady who imprisoned an entire cast of characters in a twenty-eight year daily reenactment of the movie Groundhog Day . . .

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But things start looking up for the Evil Queen when she retrieves the “Cut Your Saviorness Off” scissors from their crappy hiding place at the not-so-bottom of the sea, and offers them to Rumpel (who wants to use them to cut off Belle’s being pissed off at him . . . or something), in exchange for some Evil Queen / Dark One tonsil hockey . . .

Also in this scene, the Evil Queen reveals her true motivation for the season. It is . . . wait for it . . . to rip out Snow White’s heart.

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Ugh! Again! This has been the Evil Queen’s motivation for six seasons. Get a new hobby lady! Just don’t let that hobby be making out with Rumpel, because that was really gross to watch . . .

It should be noted that the Evil Queen inexplicably decided to sport a Southern accent throughout this episode, despite illustrating no evidence of actually being Southern at any other point in her life. Perhaps, she was taking a page out of the Aladdin School of Accents and Acting Playbook, just to spice things up a bit.

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Speaking of Aladdin, Emma convinces him not to run away from his girlfriend, just because he was a total coward and cut off his saviorness. Emma is sure that Jasmine will like Aladdin anyway. (I mean, it’s not like he cut off his p$%@s . . .) Aladdin offers to help Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah from total destruction. But Jasmine tells Aladdin he can’t . . . because the kingdom has already been destroyed.

What a bad boyfriend that Aladdin turned out to be! Not only is he Sans-Saviorness, he can never be bothered to be on time!

In other bad boyfriend news, Belle has a slight change of heart after seeing her first ultrasound, and decides to share a photograph of the blessed event with Rumpel. Of course, while she’s slipping the photo under the door of his shop, the Dark One is busy contracting mouth herpes from the Evil Queen.

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With boyfriends like this in Storybrooke, it’s amazing that the female characters haven’t all decided to become lesbians . . .

 

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ONCE UPON A TIME Recap: Arrested Development

The following post has been brought to you by Agony Booth.com

killing-hyde

“Does anybody have any TUMS? I’m experiencing a mild to moderate case of heart burn.”

This week on Once, the Beast tries to win back Belle’s heart by incarcerating her. (Hey, it worked last time!) Snow White learns that she’s a terrible teacher, when the subject is anything other than making a birdhouse. The Evil Queen’s kryptonite is finally revealed. And yet another sort-of villain is given a hasty partial redemption arc, before meeting his untimely demise.

Let’s review, shall we?

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beast-Holder

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Nothing makes you feel worse about your appearance than staring at yourself in a magnifying mirror. It’s the closest most of us will ever come to knowing how awful we’d look on HDTV.”

Being dumped by Belle (again) has good ole Rump feeling a little down on himself. So, he does what most of us do after a bad breakup. Get drunk on cheap wine. Eat an entire box of Cheez-Its in a single sitting. And watch on repeat that horror movie where a guy who looks like your ex gets brutally murdered in the first half hour. He gives himself a makeover!

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Apparently, Rumpel felt as though the root of all his dating problems was that he had longer hair than Snow White. Her being “the fairest one of all” and all that jazz.

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But now that the two characters have the exact same haircut, for sure all the ladies in Storybrooke will want to rumble in the sheets with Rumpel! The Evil Queen certainly seems to like her frenemy’s new ‘do.

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Then again, she is so gosh darn horny all the time, she’d probably make love to a mop if it fell in her general direction.

Speaking of the Evil Queen, she and her new beau Hyde have come to Rumpel’s store to steal an ugly necklace. And they do it in this super stealthy way. Basically, they stomp into the store and loudly announce, “I’m going to take your ugly necklace.”

No wonder Rumpel’s pawn shop revenue isn’t what it used to be. Security has apparently gotten a bit lax. Shrinkage. It isn’t just what happens when George Costanza from Seinfeld goes for a swim anymore.

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Infuriated by the loss of yet another ugly antique, Rumpel tries to Jedi Mind Murder Hyde.

Rumpel fails miserably at this, of course, as he does with pretty much every action he attempts throughout the course of this episode. It’s a wonder the guy was able to cut his hair, without accidentally chopping off his right arm.

Speaking of failures . . .

Those who can, do. Those who can’t . . . SNOW.

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Last week, I predicted that Snow would end up being a bad teacher, because she spent twenty eight years teaching the same students how to build a bird house, every damn day, and they still couldn’t do it! It gives me no joy to be right about this. (Who am I kidding? I was thrilled! I’m an awful person, in case you haven’t figured that out by now!)

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Oddly enough, since most of Storybrooke’s new homeless population is apparently in high school, Snow has gone from teaching bird house making to teaching physics for REASONS. After seeing Snow suck at teaching (Every single one of her students failed her exam!), her new teacher’s aid, Princess Jasmine, wonders why Snow doesn’t stick to stuff she’s actually good at, like playing with dwarves, and faking sleep so some hot guy will make out with her.

This seems like solid advice from a total stranger. And this is why Snow decides for her next lesson, to take all her students out into the school yard, and teach them how to shoot deadly weapons in each others’ general direction. Public education is the greatest, am I right?

“Anyone who gets accidentally murdered gets an automatic A.”

After class, Jasmine heads off into the woods to meet the girl, who is obviously Jafar in disguise, even though they haven’t officially told us this yet, and asks for her help in finding Aladdin. Because THAT’S not going to end badly at all . . .

You know what else is going to end badly?

Houseboat Arrest

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In what will likely be the only non-snarky thing you will hear me say in this recap. I’m totally digging the burgeoning friendship brewing between Hook and Belle, the latter of whom, up until this point, always seemed somewhat separated from the main cast. It’s exceedingly rare for television shows nowadays to showcase a 100% platonic male/female relationship. So, when one appears and it feels genuine, I appreciate it.

I mean, so what if Hook tried to kill Belle a few seasons back? What’s a little attempted murder among pals?

Anywhoo, Hook is moving his stuff off the boat, so he can move in with Emma permanently, when Rumpel comes and puts a spell on the boat so Belle can’t leave it. Rumpel claims that he does this for Belle’s “safety.” Riiiiiiight. Because nothing says safe, like being trapped in a small wood mass surrounded on all sides by water, with no immediate avenue of escape, apart from plunging one’s self into the drink. Has Rumpel never seen the movie Dead Calm or Jaws, for that matter?

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“Don’t worry Belle. You don’t have to come to me. I’ll come to you!”

Upon hearing of Belle’s incarceration, Hook, being a swell guy, tries to cheer up his very pregnant pal, by offering her booze and a fake telephone.

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connected

Meanwhile, Regina and Jekyll are racing to obtain the serum that will destroy the respective dark sides of their souls, before their sexier, better dressed halves, the Evil Queen and Hyde track it down first.

Of course, this wouldn’t be Once without the bastardization of a well-known classic tale. So, it’s time for a flashback, in which we learn that Hyde is just a misunderstood hipster with a bad case of pinkeye. And Dr. Jekyll is the sociopathic douchebag, “If I can’t have her, no one can,” Guy from every Lifetime movie you ever saw during the 90’s.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jerk-ll and Mr. Hide Me

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“Even my sideburns are sad.”

Once upon a time, Dr. Jekyll wanted to be admitted into some fancy schmancy society, and tried to convince his rich lady crush, Mary’s dad, to let him in, by showing the latter his experiments with the duality of the human soul. Mary’s dad is unimpressed, and tells Jekyll his work is too dangerous for recognition by the society. Jekyll is angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

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(Actually, he just kind of pouts and throws a tantrum like a baby, but you get the basic idea.) Enter Rumpel, he of the permed hair and glitter-logged face to offer up his episodic dose of bad advice to a suitably naive and desperate party.

Rumpel, who apparently was trying to find a magical cure for his love for Belle, helps Dr. Jekyll to finish his serum, and persuades him to use The Dark Side of His Soul to help him gain entrance into the fancy schmancy society, and get into Mary’s pants.

Dr. Jekyll does is instructed. And Mr. Hyde, upon taking over Jekyll’s body, promptly does exactly what he was designed to do. First, he blackmails Mary’s dad (with evidence that the latter is boning a minor, naturally) to get Jekyll into the fancy schmancy society. Then, Hyde approaches Mary and reveals to her Jekyll’s heretofore hidden affections. Mary predictably has no interest in the milquetoasty Jekyll. But she’s totally bananas for the “passionate and scary, but in a good way” Hyde. (Every girl loves a bad boy, after all!)

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Less than five minutes later, these two crazy kids are having sex. And I wish we as viewers got to see it, because I bet it was friggin awesome!

Instead, we find a horrified Mary waking up next to dull as dog poopy Jekyll, and she is understandably freaking the hell out. Jekyll quickly puts two and two together. And, upon realizing that Mary boned the dark side of his soul, Jekyll gets really angry and (accidentally?) throws Mary out a glass window? Oops! Don’t you hate it when that happens?

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Jekyll then drinks the serum, so Hyde can take the blame for his murderous actions. And Rumpel appears AGAIN! (You would think a guy who has such great surveillance on the entire universe would be better at securing his personal property and the wife who despises him.)

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Rumpel takes one look at the weepy Hyde, and knows instantly that his plan has failed. Hyde, despite supposedly being all dark, twisty, and hipster-like, was apparently just as much in love with Mary as that douchenozzle Jekyll. (I guess: There’s Just Something About Mary!)

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And this meant that Rumpel would never be able to rid himself of his feelings for Belle, no matter how inconvenient they might be. Pissed, Rumpel decides to banish both Jekyll and Hyde to the Land of Untold Stories, giving both half-men a vendetta against the Dark One, which was sure to come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the episode.

Another Two Bite the Dust

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Ironically, even though everybody spent the entire episode fighting for this Magical Serum that could supposedly kill Hyde and the Evil Queen, the darn vial ended up being a total McGuffin!

First Hyde uses Dead Mary’s necklace, the one he stole from Rumpel at the beginning of the episode, to track down Jekyll and snatch the serum. Then, Hyde breaks the vial, snatches Rumpel’s Dark One sword, and uses it to control Rumpel, and get him to give up Belle’s location. Now, as we know from earlier in the episode, Rumpel has put a spell on Belle’s boat so she can’t get off it, and Hyde can’t get on it.

Unfortunately, for Rumpel (and Belle, as it turns out), because the spell was (moronically) limited to Hyde, Lifetime Movie Villain Jekyll was able to just waltz onto that boat and attempt to kill Rump’s lady love. Uh oh, Belle! Time to call for help on your fake phone!

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I wonder if accidental smashing is covered under the Fake Phone insurance plan . . .

Lo and behold, Hook does actually end up hearing Belle’s cries for help. He magically manifests himself on the boat, and promptly stabs Jekyll to death, which is good! But he also kills Hyde in the process, which kind of sucks, because the latter was actually a fun guy!

In addition to being bad news for Bad Boy, Hipster, and Pink Eye Lovers the world over, the circumstances surrounding Hyde’s demise are also pretty crappy for Regina, who just figured out that the only way she can kill the dark side of her soul is to . . . well, commit suicide basically.

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A distraught Regina makes Emma promise to murder her, if things get too tough with the Evil Queen wreaking havoc on Storybrooke.

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“Just make sure that my funeral is better attended than the Evil Queen’s otherwise I’ll be super embarrassed.”

Speaking of uncomfortable conversations, how about the one where Rumpel has to apologize to Belle for trapping her and her unborn child on a boat with a total psycho?

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Yeah, I think it’s safe to say the honeymoon is pretty much over for these two lovebirds . . .

Until next time, Oncers!

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Once Upon a Time: Cinderella, armed and moderately dangerous!

Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com!cinder-with-a-gun

This week on Once, Cinderella goes POSTAL . . . for a few seconds. Also this week, Hook and Emma get baby fever. Rumpel makes Belle a mix tape. And the Evil Queen comes up with a nefarious scheme . . . to perfect her adopted son’s bad posture.

Let’s review, shall we?

The Hunger Games

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Everyone knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his pants stomach. (We’re going to go with stomach here, because it’s an 8 p.m. show owned by Disney.) And this is why both Regina and the Evil Queen attempted to FEED Hyde into giving them information about the town’s new burgeoning population of homeless people. The only difference, of course, is that the Evil Queen arrived first at Hyde’s prison cell with a five-course meal, wine, and a team of set designers from the recently canceled television series, Hannibal. Regina, on the other hand, brought a pan of re-heated microwavable lasagna that she probably re-plated from a Stouffer’s TV Dinner, and the only two members of the town’s Neighborhood Watch, Snow and Charming . . ..

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“The carpet in here doesn’t match the drapes. Plus the grass on the lawn is an inch over regulation height. You are going to have to fix that.”

Understandably, Hyde is unimpressed with his new, less than Michelin Star, accommodations, and refuses to give up any hobo gossip to our heroes, unless Regina frees him from the pokey, ASAP. This, Regina cannot do (at least not with Neighborhood Watch literally breathing down her neck).

Maybe Regina should have chosen to make a move on Hyde’s heart through his pants, after all . . .

Baby Steps

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I guess it really shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that Hook is good with kids, especially when you consider the fact that, over in Neverland, apart from a few unwashed smelly pirates and a crocodile, prepubescents were literally the only people around with which he could share his Man Pain. Of course, up until this week, Emma has been too mired in her depression, carpal tunnel pain, and endless supply of pillow cases with holes cut in the arms for t-shirts (She wore one AGAIN this week! Why Once Wardrobe Team? WHY?) to notice.

So, Hook, whose sex life this season has consisted entirely of one hastily aborted couch fondling session, sets off on a major campaign to get himself laid more regularly. And that campaign involves him temporarily morphing into the male version of Mary Poppins with anyone under the age of 18 he can find.

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Emma, who sees everyone around her having babies, and then promptly forgetting they exist, when plot dictates that they do so, is super turned on by the notion of “getting a little Hook in her,” both figuratively and literally. The only problem is that she is quite certain she’s going to croak by the end of the season, which doesn’t leave her with much time to get knocked up and carry a baby to term.

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“If they bury me in one of those pillow case t-shirts and not my red leather jacket, I swear I will haunt them for all eternity.”

Emma discusses these fears (again) with her shrink, Jiminy Cricket. Jiminy tells Emma to Carpe Diem, basically, because she’s the star of a show where logic, plot and timeline consistency aren’t exactly top concerns. So, if the writers decided they wanted Emma to have a baby with Hook and die by the end of the season, they’d probably get it done in the span of two episodes, via a hastily explained “time jump” or “magic, speed-up-the-birthing-process spell.” (The latter of which, was a plot device that was actually used on this show with Zelena and HER newborn.)

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This explanation is good enough for Emma, who, by the end of the episode, invites Hook to move in with her, while evoking thinly veiled allusions to the couple’s shared leather fetish . . .

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Once alone, Captain Hook celebrates his good fortune, by twirling his mustache, and laughing maniacally, while shouting at the top of his lungs, “My evil plan worked! She bought it.”

Then, he proceeds to punch a couple of babies in the face, just because he can. Just kidding. He probably did something like this . . .

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Now, if only Emma could finally work up the courage to tell the future father of her children / fellow leather fetishist the truth behind her crippling carpal tunnel condition . . .

“Would you believe me if I told you that it’s caused by excessive use of a vibrator?”

The Tale of the Forgotten Stepsister (and the REALLY Forgotten Stepsister)

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This week’s Fairytale flashback is a revisit of the same Cinderella story we’ve already seen twice on the series, which makes the season’s promise of “Untold Stories” a bit of a misnomer, at least as far as this episode is concerned. That said, we do get some tweaks to the well-known tale here. One change is that Cinderella leaves the ball, way before midnight, not because she fears her dresses will turn back to rags if she stays, as commonly believed. But rather, because she’s insecure about being poor, and fears that everybody at the ball, the prince included, is secretly laughing at her.

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This fear is confirmed for Cinderella, when her Stepmother tells her she looks like a trash bag, and has the same education level of the family’s pet cat. That line itself is really not important to the plot. I just thought it was funny, but also racist / species-ist? against cats. Because some cats I know, like mine, for example, happen to be super educated, just saying.

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Harvard Grad, Graduating Class of 9 Lives

But I guess the most important two tweaks to this story, at least for purposes of this episode, are the fact that: (1) Cinderella is so convinced that the prince will never love her that SHE is actually planning to go into the Land of Untold Stories to escape the feared inevitability of her spinsterhood; and (2) it’s actually her “ugly” stepsister Clorinda, who convinces Cinderella to stay in Fairytale land, so that she can be around to accept her Prince’s inevitable proposal.

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As luck would have it, Clorinda has also found love . . . SECRET FORBIDDEN LOVE . . . with the prince’s footman, a union of which the Evil Stepmother will never approve.

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This gives Cinderella an idea!

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Clorinda can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman, where the Evil Stepmonster can never find them and get in the way of their true love. Everything seems to be going according to plan, until Evil Stepmonster uses Cinderella’s insecurities against her AGAIN, to get the latter to spill the beans on Clorinda’s whereabouts, before she can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman. As a result, Evil Stepmonster ends up dragging Clorinda into the Land of Untold Stories with HER, while Poor Footman is left out in the cold, doomed to never have a name, or more than one line of dialogue in this portion of the story.

Speaking of no name or dialogue, Cinderella also has another stepsister. But she gets no name, and pretty much stares at the screen dumbfounded for the first half of the flashback, only to be never heard from again shortly thereafter. No one is looking for her. Nobody cares that her entire family abandoned her for another universe. Basically, Evil Stepmonster’s under-achieving cat gets more personality development than this chick. Talk about an Untold Story!

Defeat and Repeat?

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Meanwhile, Regina rushes around town trying to figure out a way to defeat her eviler and hornier half. This results in her ultimately hiring Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll to cook up a potion that will allow her to kill herself, for lack of a better term. (Let’s hope it goes over better than Regina’s lasagna.) Snow White finds herself to be suffering from a bit of an existential crisis.

And why shouldn’t she? The show has been going on for six seasons now. And every season, Snow has to battle two big bads, one of whom is often someone she’s battled before. In fact, Snow has been so busy battling Big Bads that she hasn’t had time to fix that hideous haircut of hers!

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So, Snow tells Charming that she’d like to go back to being a teacher, like she was in season 1. She thought she was pretty good at it. And hey, if you forget the fact that time was on a Groundhog Day-esque loop throughout most of the first season, which meant that Snow pretty much taught the same “How to Make a Birdhouse” class to the same exact students for 28 years, I guess you could say Snow was about average, as far as teachers go.

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I wonder if Snow White’s birds get a better education than the Evil Stepmother’s cat . . .

Speaking of students, since Storybrooke’s one kid over the age of 2, Henry, seems to be reaching adolescence, Snow has decided she wants to start a high school. She figures Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Frankenstein can teach there right along side of her, bringing the faculty of said high school up to THREE people. Nevermind, the fact that Dr. Frankenstein also happens to be the ONLY DOCTOR in Storybrooke too . . . (I hope he forms two unions, each including only himself, to fight back against these unfair working conditions.)

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Storybrooke’s equivalent of a sweatshop worker.

But hey, I guess when you live in a town where half the population is homeless, and the others are trashbags with the education level of cats, you have to improvise a bit when it comes to job creation.

Follow that Stinky Sneaker!

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Back in the Cinderella portion of the story, now that Clorinda and her mother have crash landed in Storybrooke, and joined the town’s excessive homeless population, everybody’s favorite Friend to Rats and Rider of Pumpkins decides she needs to find her stepsister. (Again, Clorinda, not the other stepsister, because no one cares about her.)

Cinderella steals her husband’s rifle in anticipation of this meeting, because nothing says, “I’m sorry I ruined your sex life, possibly for all eternity,” like waving a firearm in their face like a raving lunatic. Cinderella’s husband asks Emma for help, because he’s worried that Cinderella will KILL Clorinda, because the latter said some mean stuff to his wife, back when the two women were teenagers. (As good a reason to commit cold-blooded murder as any.)

In order to find Cinderella, and prevent her from becoming a homicidal maniac (After all, the town’s only jail cell is currently occupied by Hyde, so no one else is allowed to commit crime.), Emma uses her magic to produce Cinderella’s stinky running sneaker, and then follows it’s disgusting aroma to the gun-toting princess’ whereabouts.

In the midst of all this toxic shoe sniffing, Emma and the gang come upon the Evil Queen, who despite living inside the dark part of Regina’s soul for the majority of her life, somehow comes fully equipped with a designer wardrobe, complete with a treasure trove of weaves and hair extensions. (It’s rather impressive, actually. Perhaps, Emma and Snow should consider temporarily moving into Regina’s soul. They could learn a thing or two about fashion.)

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Evil Queen, who is in full “throw shade at Emma and make her feel insecure” mode . . .

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Thank you, Captain Obvious! I thought the problem with being a Savior is that you have to wear pillow cases for clothing . . .

. . . actually makes some really good points about how she’s just as much Henry’s mother as Regina, seeing as she was hiding out inside her soul, while Regina raised him. (This, bringing Henry’s mommy count up to three, for those of you keeping score.)

She even has some motherly tips for Henry about improving his posture so as to project confidence to those around him. Solid advice that Henry’s biological mother could probably benefit from herself, especially since she’s taken to wearing shapeless white sacks on her rescue missions.

Anywhoo, Emma and Co. eventually track down Cinderella, just as she is falling into a trap set by her evil Stepmother, using Clorinda as bate, to MURDER HER WITH HER HUSBAND’S RIFLE! Families are just the best, aren’t they?

Clorinda kind of wants Cinderella to die too, due to whole “sex life ruining thing,” but then Cinderella reunites Clorinda with her lost love the Footman, and all is cool with them . . . until Evil Stepmother stabs Cinderella in the chest.

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Fortunately, Emma’s on hand to save Cinderella’s life. Unfortunately, she has a bad carpal tunnel attack just as she’s about to do it, and Cinderella starts bleeding out right before our very eyes.

But rest easy folks. Cinderella doesn’t die. The writers of this show only like to kill off attractive menfolk. For the most part the ladies are invincible. And so, Emma successfully revives Cinderella, and the latter lives to make exceedingly poor life choices, based on insecurities and a love of assault weapons, for another day . . .

One Track Minds

Speaking of poor life choices, sometimes our fixation on certain aspects of our lives, causes us to act out impulsively, and do things we wouldn’t normally do, in pursuit of one specific goal. This appeared to be the case for the Evil Queen, who let a literal monster out of jail, because she was horny . . . also because he was going to help prevent Regina from killing her, but mostly because she was horny.

For Hyde’s part, he allies with the dark side of Regina’s soul seemingly just because he really likes her cooking, also because he wants to get out of jail, but mainly for the cooking.

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Then, there’s Prince Charming, who makes a deal with Rumpel to find out the truth about what happened to his father. And we all know what it means to make deals with Rumpel. Spoiler Alert: Usually it means bad things, very bad things. (Although, in this case, all Charming had to do to get this information was give Belle a mixtape, because apparently Rumpel is a 13-year old boy circa 1990.)

belle

And Belle, well she listened to the mix tape, despite the fact that it was from Rumpel, a man her unborn son had told her was up to know good, in a dream she had, in which said son was totally inappropriately hitting on her, and it was kind of gross. Rumpel . . . a man with dark magical powers, who could have filled that mixtape with evil spells that would make her become his lover again, against her will . . . or worse . . . really bad singing / music. But Belle listened to that mixtape from start to finish, despite the apparent risks, because the thought of having her soon-to-be born child grow up without a father simply seemed to much to bear at the time.

And then there was Snow . . . who believed her husband, Charming when he told her he wasn’t going to seek vengeance against the man who killed his father. She believed him, even though he was staring straight at the camera winking at us, with his fingers crossed behind his back, and rolling his eyes intently, when he told Snow he was going to let the matter drop. She believed it, because she really needs to think that after the Storybrooke crew battles their 12th villain of the series, things will go back to normal . . . She’ll become a teacher again. She will grow out her awful hair . . .

Actually, maybe it’s just me that needs to believe in that last one.

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And that’s where we leave our friends from Storybrooke at the end of episode 3, determined, desperate, and clad in some super ugly outfits. Until next time, folks!

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