Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?
I know, I DO! But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television. After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .
That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE
but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.
Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE! I’m going to do it, anyway!
(Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus. So, what do YOU care?)
So, without further adieu I
proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .
Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”
This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .
“You can trust me! I’m a Disney Princess!”
Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .
Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .
And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes. This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .
I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress. (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)
P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was. (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)
Mad Men – Tea Leaves
Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you. Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?
Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable. This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character. For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show. Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes. (They are already on their fourth.)
Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.
“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”
Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right? You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . . .
So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table. (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease. So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)
Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .
Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee. Happy Passover!
Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side. But he’s a smart guy. And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .
I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete. The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .
Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .
The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”
So . . . um . . . this happened . . .
And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs! He must do Pilates. Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you . . . bigger.
Or . . . maybe not. But while Sheldon’s
weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not. From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week. And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . . .
In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .
New Girl – “Secrets”
Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”
Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .
Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .
And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse . . .
“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies. Let’s go rob some banks.”
(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her. She’s not fooling anybody.)
Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .
Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”
It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself . . .
And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair,
before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .
Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .
Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore. We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . . .
(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale, lately . . .)
In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .
Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .
Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”
This guy . . .
. . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .
Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings. I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .
Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds . . .
You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment. Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .
Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .
Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. It was rather disturbing . . .
And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.
Puppies make me mushy. Babies? Meh!
Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .
P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME! (We can be short and snarky together!)
And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review. So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?