Mark your calendars, Netflix subscribers
and people who have their friends’ Netflix login information and passwords memorized! June 12th is fast approaching. And with it comes our long-awaited reunion with plucky, pretty, erstwhile drug runner, Piper Chapman and her diverse gaggle of felonious female pals.
When we last left the ladies of Litchfield Correctional Facility, their formerly airtight “tribe” alliances, were showing some serious signs of strain, under the corrosive influence of sociopathic Bond villain and former drug lord, Vee Parker.
[MAJOR spoiler alert for those who have not yet watched Season 2. I’m not kidding! Click away from this page now. I’ll wait . . . ]
[Are they gone yet? Super! Let’s continue . . .]
Vee, a drug kingpin who manipulated teenage orphans with nowhere else to turn (like the whipsmart, but vulnerable, Taystee) to do her bidding, and murdered those same orphans when they had the audacity to attempt to strike out on their own, left an immediate and indelible impact on the ladies of Litchfield, in her short tenure as the series’ antagonist.
In just a few episodes, Vee managed to (1) break up the seemingly iron clad friendship between Taystee and Poussey; (2) completely brainwash the childlike, but indubitably well-meaning, “Crazy Eyes” Suzanne, into her terrifyingly loyal top henchwoman; and (3) turn nearly the entire prison against its tough-as-nails mother figure and long reigning queen Red.
Then, long-suffering cancer-patient/prisoner Rosa accidentally/ on purpose ran Vee over with the Litchfield Prisoner Transport wagon, while both were simultaneously plotting their escapes from the women’s prison. This casual bout of vehicular manslaughter brought Vee’s reign of terror in Litchfield to its untimely, though not entirely unexpected, end. Not to mention, it taught us all a very important lesson about the importance of being polite . . .
Also last season on Orange, Alex Voss, Piper’s siren song into a world of crime, pleaded with her once -lover to perjure herself on the witness stand, to prevent Alex from receiving more jail time. Piper did as she was instructed, only to later find that Alex had dimed Piper out to buy herself a get-out-of-Litchfield free card, simultaneously earning Piper an extended sentence in the pokey for her trouble. But then Piper turned around and ratted out Alex right back to her parole officer, ensuring that Alex Voss’ days wearing orange are far from over . . .
Still with me?
In other news, Piper’s SUPER boring fiancé Larry had an affair with her EVEN MORE BORING best friend, Polly. Their tepid “forbidden” romance was the only downside to an otherwise awesome season. Fortunately, neither will be back for Season 3. So, those two scumwads can live boringly ever after, while we focus on the good stuff going on with our resident bad girls . . .
So what’s on tap for Season 3?
Well, if the above-posted trailer is any indication, we can expect the following:
(1) Lots of Drama with a capital D, following Alex’s surprise return to Litchfield.
(2) A potential love triangle between the aforementioned ladies and androgynous newbie Stella.
(3) Black Cindy beginning a possible new career as a rapper? (“January, February, March, April, May and June” is officially my new jam.)
(4) Mama Pornstache?
(5) Speaking of mothers, Dayanara Diaz will, hopefully, finally give birth to the spawn of That Guy from How to Get Away with Murder . . .
. . . seeing as how the poor girl has been pregnant for over two years . . .
(6) More inmate flashbacks for those not characters not yet highlighted during the show’s first few seasons, like the quietly loyal Norma, the animal loving, new hairdo-having Boo, and Flaca, who is featured heavily in the trailers and YouTube sneak peek.
(7) Hopefully, a chance to read Crazy Eyes’ heart-warming alien orgy love story. Now that’s a tale that needs to be on my Kindle, like, yesterday!
(8) Musical interludes like this fabulous gem, complete with matching hand gestures!
If you haven’t been sucked into the vortex that is OINTB, fear not, you have two weeks to gorge on the first two seasons, which are currently waiting for you in your Netflix queue. (It helps if you avoid doing unnecessary things like sleeping, showering, and going to work.)
For those of you who are already fans, what are you most looking forward to in Orange’s junior year? Whose back story are you most interested in seeing? Are you as thrilled to see the back end of Larry as I am? And most importantly, how long until Crazy Eyes’ Alien Orgy Porno becomes a NY Times best seller?
See you June 12th, ladies and gents. Until then, try to stay out of the pokey . . . (They don’t have Netflix there .. .)