GAME OF THRONES: Breathers Unite! (Recap S7: Ep 5)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

Holy exposition episode, Batman! Let’s see, we got the legitimization of Jon’s Snow’s birth, Cersei’s pregnancy, the triumphant return of That Rowing Guy, and Littlefinger getting exposed for shadiness again (possibly on purpose?). We’ve also got characters moving all across the GOT map at implausible speeds . . . folks that haven’t seen one another in SIX SEASONS . . . magically reuniting to spread tidbits of intel like Fedex packages. But most importantly, we’ve got a small, but scrappy, army of randomly assorted fan favorites heading North of the Wall to go fishing for a zombie to give Cersei as an early Christmas gift.

Let’s do thing, shall we?

Bronn is still alive, and he wants his castle, dammit!

In a turn of events that is sure to surprise absolutely NO ONE, Bronn and Jaime survived their Dragon Evading Synchronized Swim Routine from last week. So, they will both live to be snarky with one other for at least another episode.

Bronn, for his part, is too macho to admit to Jaime that he saved his life, because he likes hanging out with him. So, the mercenary blames his heroics on good old-fashioned opportunism. “I’m not going to let you die until I get my f*&king Castle,” Bronn quips.

Aww, don’t be sad, Jaime. Bronn is just playing hard to get. But seriously, after saving your and your brother’s butts countless times over seven seasons, all the man wants is his own uncomfortable chair. Is that too much to ask?

RIP Rickon, Brickon, whatever your name is . . .

Literally across the lake from Bronn’s and Jaime’s Bromantic Rendezvous, a concerned Tyrion surveys the charred wreckage of the Lannister army left in Drogon and the Dothraki’s wake. Meanwhile Dany speaks with the few Lannister army survivors, offering them the ability to retain both their lives and their freedom, if they pledge fealty to her. “Join or die,” she tells the men, more or less.

Most of the men bend the knee without question, because they see Dany’s Dragon chilling out about five inches away from where they are standing, and they aren’t stupid. Papa Tarly though . . . he’s kind of stupid, so no kneeling for him. (Sidenote: I totally recall Papa Tarly getting burned to a crisp by Drogon in last week’s episode. Guess it was just some other old bald guy. Either that, or I’m psychic like BranBot3000, and “predicted” how this guy would ultimately bite it, a week in advance.)

Dickon wants to die with his dad because of honor, or something. Or maybe the poor sexy dumb-dumb is just tired of people always getting his name wrong. Tyrion warns Dany against the bad PR that may result from her effectively murdering the entire Tarly house. In doing so, he conveniently forgets that the Tubbiest Tarly remains alive, well, and shoveling poo over at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive.

But Dany will not be deterred, and so a single dragon burp literally evaporates yet another house on the GOT game board . . . most of it anyway.

I wonder if they pooped their pants before they died?

In which, Lady Olenna gets her dying wish . . .

Jaime eventually returns home to Kings Landing with his tail between his legs, to tell Cersei that they are SO EFFING SCREWED. By way of elaboration, Jaime explains to his sister / lover that the Lannister army has no chance in hell of winning this war against an army of insane Dothraki warriors fighting alongside not one, not two, but THREE GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS.

Cersei, of course, has never been one to listen to reason and surrender, particularly when we’ve still got a season left of the show. So, she changes the topic of conversation to Tyrion, their little brother turned “enemy combatant.” The siblings’ relationship with Tyrion has always been a touchy with these two, one that Jaime would prefer not to broach. But when Cersei casually brings up Tyrion’s “murder” of Joffrey, Jaime reluctantly grants Lady Olenna’s death wish, by admitting that it was the Queen of Thrones, and not Tyrion, who ultimately caused this beautiful scene to occur . . .

Initially, Cersei refuses to believe that Olenna could pull this off. However, when Jaime explains Olenna’s rationale for wanting Joffrey dead (namely that it would offer then-Queen Margaery a more docile and obedient husband to control in her quest for power), Cersei is forced to grudgingly admit that Tyrion was wrongfully accused.

Game, Set, Match, Lady Olenna, from the GRAVE, no less.

Tyrion still gets credit for the whole “killing his dad on the toilet” thing, though . . . which was also pretty cool.

Hi Drogon, I’m home!

After a long day at work burning people’s faces off, Dany and Drogon arrive back at Dragonstone where Jon is patiently waiting for them. Though the King of the North is still a bit creeped out by Dany’s “kid,” he doesn’t want to seem RUDE! So, Jon extends his hand and gently caresses Drogon’s face, because, let’s face it, having all five of your fingers is overrated. Just ask Jaime Lannister!

Interestingly enough, Drogon doesn’t bite off Jon’s fingers OR burn his face! Instead, the dragon gets surprisingly wide-eyed and puppy like, as he moves in closer to Jon for more neck rubs and kisses. (If you recall, Dany’s other dragons had a similarly docile reaction to Tyrion last season.) Is it possible that dragons are actually kind, cuddly, creatures that are just misunderstood by the world at large?

Or, perhaps dragons are just kind to folks with Targaryen blood . . .

Anywhoo, Dany gets a major Lady Boner over this Jon / Drogon exchange, and is all ready to whip out her phone so she can show Jon an entire album worth of dragon baby pictures for him to coo over. “Aren’t dragons beautiful?” The Mother of Dragons inquires breathily.

“Ummm . . . if by beautiful, you mean totally f*&king terrifying, than yes,” Jon replies, more or less.

Well damn, JON! Haven’t you learned by now that it’s never cool to call a mother’s kid ugly to her face? You have to learn to lie better, and fast, or cave sex is never going to happen for you again!

We interrupt this recap to bring you a message from BranBot3000 . . .

BranBot3000 sees the White Walkers in the promo for next week’s episode, so he sends out a group text to all the other characters in the show about his vision. No, seriously, it literally took about ten seconds for the entire rest of the cast all across the Westeros globe to get this information. The Three-Eyed Raven may not have downloaded emotions or a personality onto his server, but the dude definitely has an excellent cell phone data plan with unlimited text messaging capabilities.

In which, Gilly actually tries to say something important, but Sam Tarley only wants to talk about shit.

When the Maesters at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive get the text from BranBot3000 about the White Walkers invading Westeros, they naturally dismiss it as spam. This infuriates Sam, who came to Oldtown for the sole purpose of learning how to defeat White Walkers . . . also because he really likes books.

Sam is so mad about the Maesters’ nonchalant attitude toward the upcoming apocalypse, in fact, that he totally ignores Gilly when she casually lets slip what may very well be the most important piece of information ever to be revealed on this show.

In a book Gilly is reading, one that is undoubtedly titled “The Game of Thrones Reddit Page,” she inadvertently discovers that Rhaegar Targaryen (Jon Snow’s secret father) actually got an annulment from Elia Martell, in order to have a secret marriage outside of Dorne to Lyanna Stark (Jon Snow’s secret mom).

You know what that means don’t you, Thrones fans? Not only does Jon have Targaryen blood running through his veins, he might very well also be a legitimate Targaryen, one with a claim to the Iron Throne that rivals that of Dany, herself.

“I don’t care how many times a day the Maester takes a dump! I want to fight White Walkers, dammit!” Sam responds angrily.

Ummmm, Sam? Just because you spend most of your day shoveling feces, doesn’t mean every piece of intel on this show is about poop.

Anywhoo, Sam and Gilly ultimately decide to leave Old Town and return to the North to join the fight against the White Walkers. And if the new time logistics on this show are any indication, they should probably arrive there in about fifteen seconds.

Family Affairs

The Dragonstone crew also get their text message about the White Walkers from BranBot3000 this week. So, Jon comes up with this bizarre plan to get Cersei to put the battle for the Iron Throne on pause, and join the rest of the houses in fighting the Undead by . . . retrieving a zombie from North of the Wall, and offering it to her as a gift?

(Ummm . . . just because Dany made dragons into her pets, doesn’t mean you can make zombies into yours, Jon!)

Anyway, the plan involves Tyrion meeting with Jaime in an effort to grease the proverbial wheel. The problem is that Tyrion and Jaime have been a bit on the outs, ever since Tyrion murdered Jaime’s dad on the pooper. So, matchmaker Bronn arranges a surprise date for the pair underground, under the guise of engaging Jaime in a Dragon Killing Machine training session.

Jaime isn’t particularly thrilled to see his brother, naturally. And the two exchange some harsh words about their now-deceased daddy dearest. Nonetheless, Jaime brings Tyrion’s request regarding putting the war on hold in exchange for a zombie prize to his beloved Queen. Cersei is unexpectedly amenable to the idea, especially if it means potentially getting Dany alone in a room, where she could murder her. As it turns out, Cersei was aware of Jaime’s meeting with Tyrion before it happened, but allowed it to take place for this very reason.

As if those weren’t sufficient bombshells for one scene, Cersei also reveals that she’s currently pregnant with Jaime’s child. But this time, unlike with her other three kids, she’s going to publicly out this one as the incest baby that he or she happens to be.

Jaime is thrilled by this news! (Because they’ve done SUCH a great job at making children in the past.) He tearfully embraces Cersei, who returns the affectionate gesture, but not before threateningly whispering in her brother’s ear, “Don’t ever betray me again.”

Hey Fredo, I wouldn’t go on any fishing trips anytime soon, if I were you . . .

Littlefinger: Pot Stirrer Extraordinaire

In other sibling news, Littlefinger seems to have caught on to the tension between Arya and Sansa, and has decided to work toward alienating the sisters from one another. The first part of the plan involves having the men of the Vale publicly denounce Jon and pledge fealty to Sansa, while Arya is present. Though Sansa reminds the men that Jon is their King and not her, Arya doesn’t feel she defends her brother’s honor firmly enough.

Arya tells Sansa as much when the two meet in their parents bed chambers later that day. Arya then accuses Sansa of secretly wanting to rule the North. It’s an accusation that Sansa not so convincingly denies.

Later that day, Arya spies Littlefinger doing his Littlefinger thing of creeping around and whispering in people’s ears. So, naturally, she decides to follow him around like the good little stalker she is. Littlefinger seems blatantly aware of Arya’s presence, but that doesn’t stop him from paying off a servant right in front of her into giving him a “secret” scroll written by Sansa. “The Lady Stark thanks you for your service,” Littlefinger stage whispers, before hiding the scroll (rather poorly, if you ask me) under his bed.

Arya, of course, breaks into Littlefinger’s room and reads the scroll. In it, she finds Sansa’s letter from Season 1, in which she begged her brother Robb to pledge fealty to then King Joffrey as the true ruler of the Iron Throne. (And we all know how well that turned out for both parties to that letter!)

Now, as viewers, we know that Sansa only wrote this letter out of fear for her life, after witnessing her father’s beheading. But Arya will likely not see it that way, which, I suspect is precisely why Littlefinger arranged for Arya to find this information in the way that he did.

Did Sansa instruct Littlefinger to retrieve the letter out of fear that it’s discovery would harm her potential future claim to the throne as Queen of the North? Probably not. But Arya doesn’t know that . . . at least, not yet.

But when did he stop rowing?

Meanwhile, Davos is on a mission of his own. It’s a recovery mission. Specifically, Davos wants to recover Gendry, aka Robert Baratheon’s bastard son, aka the guy Melissandre once tried to murder, in order to prevent HIS possible claim to the iron thrown, aka THE GUY WHO HAS BEEN ROWING A BOAT FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES.

As it turns out, sometime in the past few years, Gendry stopped rowing and began forging weapons for the Lannisters, waiting out the war for the Iron Throne by hiding in plain sight. Gendry is thrilled by Davos’ offer to go on a suicide mission to retrieve a zombie, because it’s the only way he’s going to get any more screen time on the show, at this rate. So, The Rowing Guy heads with Davos back to Dragonstone, but not before murdering a couple Lannister guards with a hammer like he’s Thor.

(Naturally, the pair, with Tyrion in tow, make it across the globe in approximately two minutes.)

Once in Dragonstone, Gendry, against Davos’ advice, quickly outs his true identity to Jon, who seems to like the guy almost instantly.

In other reunion news, the newly cured of greyscale, Jorah Mormont has also arrived at Dragonstone. He and Dany embrace fondly and reunite for about five seconds, before Jorah also agrees to kill himself in a zombie hunt with Jon Snow! Because, why not?

The rag tag group of warriors then set off on a boat toward the Wall, right when Dany is finally getting the chance to question Jon about the offhand commend Davos made last week about Jon surviving a knife to the heart, and being just a little bit undead himself.

Hold that thought, Dany . . .

Like The Suicide Squad (only entertaining!)

Jon, Jorah, Davos and Gendry make it back to The Wall in about sixty seconds! There they meet with Tormund, who agrees to help them in their zombie retrieval mission, though he’s a bit disappointed that his lady crush, Brienne of Tarth won’t be joining them.

Also on the scene and ready to fight some dead guys, The Hound, who, if you recall, rented BranBot3000’s GOT DVD, and, as a result, knows all about the White Walkers, and his new pals Beric Dondarrion (another fellow un-deader) and Thoros.

There’s some initial squabbling amongst this rag tag crew of would-be zombie fighters, who have multiple grudges against one another for things that happened in prior seasons. But count on Super Diplomat Jon Snow (who is clearly the Captain America of this Avengers crew) to get everybody to play nice with one another.

“We are all on the same side,” Jon explains to his mini army. “We all breathe.”

The episode ends with the freshly-minted Team Breathing heading North of the Wall, Armed and ready to kick some zombie butt, or, possibly, fail miserably and become zombies themselves . . . whichever comes first.

 

GAME OF THRONES: The Khaleesi Strikes Back (Recap: S7: Ep 4)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

It is most definitely “No more Ms. Nice Mother of Dragons” this week, as Dany pours a heaping helping of hellfire mixed with Sweet Revenge on an unsuspecting Lannister army. (Meanwhile, somewhere in Heaven, Lady Olenna is performing the Best Endzone Dance ever to be completed by a 70-something year old Queen who has excellent taste in hats.)

Also this week, Davos calls out Jon for staring at Dany’s inflammable boobies. Arya returns to Winterfell to show off all the skills she learned at Burgerless White Castle that don’t involving wearing her castmates’ faces for funsies. While Bran (or, as I’ve decided to call him for the remainder of the series BranBot3000) continues on his quest to creep out every character on this show who hasn’t been brutally murdered yet. (And they say Arya is the only Stark with a List!)

Whether you saw this episode earlier this week as a result of The Big Bad Leak, and are watching again because you really wanted to see some Lannister soldiers get their faces burned off in HD. Or, you are “Unsullied,” like me, and are just watching for the first time, let’s review, shall we?

Well, that’s one way to clear a room . . .

Get Money

Somewhere between Highgarden and Kings Landing, Jaime and his army are amassing the Spoils of War, (Hey, that’s the title of this episode!) namely, some wheat plus a sh*tload of gold, and preparing to bring it back home to Cersei. Now, the Evil Queen can pay her debt to the Iron Bank, as Lannisters tend to do. (Apparently, Highgarden was super rich. How else could Lady Olenna afford all those cool hats?)

Bronn, being the wise and upwardly mobile employee that he is, sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask Jaime for a raise and a promotion! Bronn wants a Castle dammit, preferably Highgarden, because he’s been itching to start a hat collection of his own. Unfortunately for Bronn, Jamie is still a bit salty over the revelation that Lady Olenna killed Joffrey, and blamed Tyrion and Sansa for it.  Thus, he is not in a particularly generous mood.

Hey, that reminds me: I think this would be a great time to relive Joffrey’s death. Don’t you?

Never . . . ever . . . gets . . .old.

Jamie and Bronn make some small talk with Sam Tarley’s douchey daddy and kind of hot brother, Dickon, whose name Jamie can’t seem to remember, which is weird because how does one forget a name as unfortunate as Dick-on? (My apologies to all you Dickons out there. But hey, it could be worse. You could have a name that sounds suspiciously like a homophone for Urine.)

Wow, it just occurred to me that I’ve effectively pissed off everyone in the world who bears these two names in a single paragraph. Moving on . . . (but not dick-on).

The Creepiest Creeper That Ever Did Creep

Step aside, creepy kids from The Sixth Sense, The Ring and pretty much Every Japanese Horror Film Ever Made. You just got served.

Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, Littlefinger and Branbot3000 are having a battle to see who can creep out the other person more. Littlefinger makes a valiant first attempt by giving Branbot3000 the dagger that was used in his attempted murder, and telling him that he wishes he could give him the one that succeeded in killing his mother too. (Ummm, thanks?)

Branbot3000 sees Littlefinger’s creepy gift and raises him a, “Hey, remember that random monologue about Chaos being a Ladder you made back in Season 1, when I was halfway across the country with absolutely no logical way of hearing it? Well, I downloaded it into my mind and will repeat it back to you, just because I can.”

Game Set Match, Branbot3000! For the second week in a row, you are officially creepier than Littlefinger.

No more smirking, Littlefinger. Smirks are for closers!

You see, the thing about BranBot3000 is that he’s kind of become like a search engine. He has all this really helpful information stored inside him, but he’s not going to share it with you, unless you ask nicely. And when I say BranBot3000 is like a search engine, I don’t mean he’s a “cool,” sleek image-filled, user-friendly, search engine, like Google or even Bing. I’m talking about an annoying, stodgy, provides you with a lot of meaningless information, while still making you feel dumb, search engine. In short, BranBot3000 is basically Ask Jeeves.

Never heard of Ask Jeeves, you say? Well, congratulations on not being old.

In other BranBot3000 news, Meera has stopped by to congratulate him on his new wheelchair, and tell him that she’s heading home to be with her family. And how does BranBot3000 respond to the woman who literally dragged his ass across five seasons of storylines, while risking her life for him countless times? “Girl bye,” he says basically.

Apparently, when uploading the world’s knowledge into BranBot3000’s brain, someone forgot to install things like “emotions” and a “personality.” The good news is that after two years, you can upgrade to BranBot4000 for the super affordable price of $27.99 a month, and the newer model will maybe / possibly have one of those two things!

Arya Stark: Better Than You

In warmer / friendlier Stark news, Arya has finally reached the gates of Winterfell. There, for the second time in this series, the Girl Formerly Referred to as No One is having a wee bit of trouble getting some guards to respond to her claims of, “Do you know who I am? I am one of the stars of the Game of Mother F*&king Thrones! I literally own this place! LET ME IN!”

(In the guards’ defense, they same more like the kind of dudes who watch Candy Crush on Sunday nights at 9.)

Arya quickly gives these guards a slip, and reunites with her sister Sansa in the crypt beneath their home. Together the sisters reminisce about their father, and worry that no one alive remembers him anymore. This sort of talk bums the girls out, so they change to a lighter topic: JOFFREY’S DEATH!

The gift that keeps on giving . . .

It’s a quiet, and somewhat emotionally muted, but still authentic feeling, and genuinely sweet scene between two sisters, who didn’t always see eye to eye, and largely grew up apart from one another, but still obviously love each other dearly. Sansa then reluctantly brings Arya out to the Scary Face Tree to reunite with BranBot3000, because it’s her turn to be creeped out by him.

BranBot3000’s reunion with Arya goes a bit better than the one with Sansa, mainly because the former doesn’t tell Arya how hot she looked just moments before she was raped. Instead, BranBot3000 muses about Arya’s List of People to Kill, and about her decision to come to Winterfell instead of heading straight to Kings Landing to kill Cersei.

BranBot3000 then gives Arya the creepy dagger Littlefinger gave him earlier in the episode. And it’s a surprisingly thoughtful gift on BranBot3000’s part, because, really, who better to give a dagger than a pint-sized serial killer? In fact, I think I may have BranBot3000 help me with my holiday shopping this year.

Arya then reunites with Brienne, who is humbly grateful that she was indirectly able to keep her promise to Catelyn, by ensuring that both Stark sisters be returned to Winterfell safe and sound. They are clearly kindred spirits, these two warrior women. So, of course, they have to reconnect by beating the crap out of one another in a duel..

The pair are fairly evenly matched, in this sense, with Arya having a slight competitive edge, due to her time spent training with Mr. Miyagi and the Karate Kid in the Burgerless White Castle.

“Who taught you to fight like that?” Brienne asks Arya after the battle ends in a draw.

She is clearly impressed.

“No One,” Arya responds coolly.

No One, indeed . . .

What Happens in Caves Stays in Caves . . .

Speaking of dark places where unspeakable things happen, Jon has taken Dany into the cave in Dragonstone, where he is about to mine the dragon glass to use for weapons against the White Walkers. And we all know what kind of trouble Jon likes to get into in caves!

In the caves,Jon is super smooth, finding subtle ways to hold and gently touch Dany, as he leads her through the darkened corridors. (You can almost forget that these two are secretly related to one another . . . almost.)

Jon shows Dany cave paintings made by the Children of the Forest, which indicate that the Children fought side by side with Man back in the day, in order to defeat the White Walkers. Jon’s illustration is two fold: first, it’s more proof to Dany of the White Walkers’ existence; second, it shows how two opposing parties can join forces to support a common goal.

It’s a pretty persuasive tactic on Jon’s part. And, man, Davos must have stayed up all night etching those cave drawings in preparation for it. (I KID! I KID!)

Dany does seem a bit swayed by Jon’s presentation, and finally agrees to help Jon fight the White Walkers . . . if he bends the knee. Like Mance Rayder and the Wildings before him, Jon finds himself in a position of potentially letting down those who have put their trust in him, in exchange for ensuring their safety. Will he do it?

Davos certainly thinks so! The Onion Knight wastes no time calling out Jon for staring way to long at Dany’s “good heart,” you know, the one conveniently positioned behind one of her inflammable boobies. But Jon insists he doesn’t have time for such incestual romantic nonsense, not when the White Walkers are literally beating down his doorstep!

Oh Jon, you can lie to yourself all you want. But The Cave knows all your secrets!

Upon emerging from their cave tryst, Dany is met by Tyrion and Varys, who are there to break the bad news to Dany about what happened at Highgarden last week. Dany is furious. She chastens herself for playing it safe up to this point, and not attacking the Red Keep in the first place, like she initially wanted to do. She even lashes out at Tyrion, accusing him of manipulating her, in order to keep his family out of harms way.

Jon warns Dany not to act too hastily, out of fear she may end up being viewed as a despot by her people, like her father, the Mad King. But Dany can’t help but remember the parting words of her old friend Lady Olenna, “Be a Dragon.”

She knows what she has to do . . .

In Which Theon Tries To Ring Dany and is Sent Directly to Voicemail . . .

Toward the end of the episode, Wimpy Theon returns to Dragonstone, in the hope that he can get Dany to help him retrieve his sister from the clutches of Evil Queen Cersei. Jon meets him there, and almost kicks his ass, but refrains from doing so, due to Theon’s having saved Sansa not long ago.

“So, you’ll let me see Dany then?” Theon asks hopefully.

And maybe Jon would let Theon see Dany . . . if she was still there.

Drogon’s Revenge!

Back in that grassy knoll between High Garden and Kings Landing, a strange rumbling can be heard in the distance. Unfortunately, for Jamie’s army, it’s not Bronn’s stomach.

Seemingly out of nowhere appears a hoard of Dothraki Screamers. And these guys are no joke! They are as wild as Jamie’s army are regimented, as impulsive as the Lannisters are calculating. And they literally pierce through Jamie’s army like it’s their job (because it is). Somewhere up in Heaven Khal Drogo has just joined Lady Olenna in her end zone dance, because his men are definitely making him proud.

Unfortunately, the Dothraki Screamers are about to become the least of Jamie’s problems when, out of the sky flies Dany on Drogon’s back. “Dracarys,” the Mother of Dragon’s commands her largest and most loyal child.

Instantly, fire shoots from Drogon’s mouth, literally decimating about ¾’s of Jaime’s army to ash in a single burp. Faces melt. Flesh turns to bone, and then to ash. Samwell Tarley’s dad meets a particularly gruesome end. It’s disgusting and awesome at the same time.

Those men who manage to survive the flames continue to get systematically killed by the Dothraki Screamers, who, themselves, seem as oddly impervious to flame as Dany’s boobs. Jamie almost gets murdered by one of these wild naked men, only to be rescued by Dickon Tarly. Maybe now Jamie will finally remember the poor guy’s name!

After he is nearly gored, Jamie finally remembers that Dragon Killing Machine we saw Cersei playing with a couple of episodes back. He tells Bran to go fetch it. We then get to see the Dragon Killing Machine used for the first time on Drogon. And it seems to work! After a false start, Bronn finally manages to put a massive wound into Drogon’s belly.

This causes the dragon to flip over and nearly fall from the sky, but not before he burns the Dragon Killing Machine to smithereens with his hot breath. (Cersei probably should have made that weapon flame retardant, just saying.)

The end of the episode sees Drogon down, and Dany grounded, as she quickly tries to tend to her favorite child’s wound. Jamie sees this as an opportunity to play hero, and charges at the pair on his horses, sword aloft.

“Flee, you idiot,” Tyrion shouts from on a nearby hill, his loyalties now clearly torn (Where the heck did he come from? How did he get there?).

But Jamie doesn’t flee, and Drogon turns to “Dracarys” all over that beautiful Lannister face.

But then, just when it seems like Drogon will have Charred Jamie Steak for dinner, someone (Bronn? Dickon? Ed Sheeran?) shields Jamie’s body with his own, and the two tumble together into the nearby water. Safe and alive, for now . . . but for how long?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Bronn . . . Good looking out, Bronn! You may get that promotion after all!

And that was “The Spoils of War,” in a nutshell folks. Pretty cool, huh?

GAME OF THRONES: A Foreign Invasion is Underway (Recap: S7, Ep 2)

“When I said I wanted things to heat up between Ellaria Sand and me, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

[Cross-posted on Agony Booth.com]

After a bit of a slow start, Season 7 picks up the pace considerably in “Stormborn,” its second of seven episodes.

The ultimate battle for the Iron Throne finally seems to be taking place in earnest, as allies are gathered, respective battle plans are revealed, and the writers finally do away with those annoying f*&king Sandsnakes! (Well, at least two of them. I think one of them might still be alive. I’d tell you which one, but I didn’t bother learning any of their names.)

Also this week, a deadly battle at sea deals a crushing blow to Dany’s plan of attack; a surprising bit of news put Arya’s murderous fantasies on hold; and the stage is set for a long-awaited encounter between Dany and Jon, one which is sure to be the Meet Cute of the Century.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

On Brewing Storms and Fairweather Friends

It’s raining in Dragonstone, which is making Dany super cranky. Varys notes that crappy weather like this preceded Dany’s birth, hence her nickname “Stormborn,” which I guess would make my nickname, “Cloudy with a Chance of C-Section.”

This assertion, not surprisingly, does little to brighten Dany’s mood, especially since, aside from the weather, Varys’ presence at her Monopoly table is part of the reason she’s so pissed off. Dany is understandably wary of The Spider, due to his part in planning her attempted assassination back in Season 1, and his seeming tendency to back new horses in the GOT race every season: first to Dany’s father, the Mad King, then to Robert Baratheon, then to the Lannisters, and now to Dany herself.

“What can I say? I have commitment issues.”

Varys takes Dany’s challenge to his loyalty somewhat in stride, assuring her that his true allegiance has always been to the people of Westeros, and that, right now, she is their greatest hope. Dany asks Varys to come to her first, if he ever feels like she is not acting in the best interest of the people. And Varys agrees to do so, or else Dany will personally feed him to her dragons.

“It’s lunchtime! We are serving bald guy with a side of rice.”

Speaking of shifting allegiances, the Red Woman herself has also decided to pay the Breaker of Chains a visit.

Is it just me, or is Meli going a bit “cakey” on her makeup this week? Is it because her OLD is showing?

Since her first choice for the “Prince that was Promised,” Stannis Baratheon, didn’t work out so well, Melissandre is now hedging her bets on it being either Dany or Jon. Apparently, the word “prince” in whatever language it is that Lord of the Light worshipers speak could refer to either a male or female. (Something tells me that dearly departed Stannis, the King of Grammar, would have some very strong opinions about this.)

Dany seems to be a bit more forgiving of the Red Woman’s past betrayals than she is of Varys’, probably because she never saw the former take off a necklace and subsequently turn into an old woman, or birth a murderous demon shadow baby out of her hoo-hah.

Though Dany is undoubtedly more interested in getting Jon’s allegiance than she is his alliance, after speaking with Melissandre, she does agree to let Tyrion send the King of the North an invitation to Dragonstone. “Come play with us,” the letter says, more or less. “We’ve got Dragons!”

In Which Cersei Tries Her Hand Playing Nice

Meanwhile in Kings Landing, it’s been an entire week, and Cersei apparently hasn’t yet lifted her lazy ass off that Iron Throne. (Maybe there’s a part of it that turns into a toilet?) She’s serving up some major fake news and alternative facts about her enemy Dany to gain the loyalty of Sam Tarly’s dad and his army, who, up to this point, have fought for the Tyrell family, which is now aligned with the Mother of Dragons against Cersei.

Cersei’s arguments don’t initially hold much water with Papa Tarly. But Jamie ultimately reigns him in, by appealing to the older man’s inherent sense of racism. (You may recall this being the same Papa Tarly, who basically disinherited his kid just for shacking up with a Wildling.) You see, Dany’s army includes Dothrakis and eunuchs, while Cersei’s is basically . . .well . . . a bunch of skinny white guys with most of their balls (but none of their dignity) in tact.

Eh, playing nice has never exactly been a Lannister strong suit anyway . . .

Later in the episode, Cersei finally gets up from her uncomfortable chair to check out a new dragon killing toy, which looks, more or less, like a really large slingshot with a massive sword attached to it . . .

Sam Tarley: The New Doctor McDreamy?

Cool tattoo, Bro!

In other Tarly news, the non-racist one has just got a promotion at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive. He’s a doctor now, apparently!

“You’ll never guess the great idea I read about in ‘Curing Greyscale for Dummies’ today?”

Doctor Sam has read one medical book, and, therefore, decided that he can cure Jorah of his extra bad case of psoriasis, i.e Greyscale. Sam’s “super scientific” idea for a cure? Basically, he’s just going to cut that shit off!

The good news is that this seemingly awful idea is probably going to work, because why bother taking the time to show this on the show if it doesn’t? The bad news is that we have to be subjected to watching Sam chop into Jorah’s scaly body, like he’s a piece of juicy stake, for at least three minutes.

And this makes me wonder: was the whole reason for our being forced to watch the Sam Shovels Poop Music Montage last week, just to establish how exactly he wound up developing such a strong gag reflex?

Hot Pies and Good News for Arya

 

We segway directly from Sam cutting into Jorah’s flesh to Arya eating meat, because the writers of GOT clearly don’t want me to snack during this show EVER!

While en route to Kings Landing to kill Cersei, Arya pays a visit to her old pal Hot Pie for (1) a quick bite to eat, and (2) a quick recap of everything that has been happening on the show, while she’s been off washing dead guys feet, trying on masks, and being temporarily blind over at the Burgerless White Castle for two seasons.

Hot Pie informs Arya in short order that (1) the Boltons are dead; (2) Jon killed Ramsey in the Battle of the Bastards;

and (3) Jon is now King of the North.

With all the blows that Arya (and really, all the Starks) have been dealt since Episode 1, it’s nice to see her get some good news for a change. And though she hesitates for a brief moment, Arya ultimately decides to put her plans for killing the Queen on hold, and heads North, rather than South, so that she can reunite with Jon, and, though she doesn’t know it yet, Sansa too . . .

Speaking of reunions, while en route to Winterfell, Arya encounters a pack of wolves, one of whom has been REALLY eating her Wheaties . . .

Arya determines that this wolf is her very own direwolf, Nymeria, now leader of her own pack. Arya prevents her own wolf-mauling by revealing her identity to the large she-wolf, and inviting the animal to join her on her trip back to Winterfell. The she-wolf, however, ultimately abandons Arya, leaving her crestfallen.

 

Arya brightens shortly thereafter, however, upon determining that the wolf who swiped left on her wasn’t Nymeria after all!

So, it was just another abnormally large she-wolf, who just so happens to understand the human language, and appears to know Arya, personally?

Dany’s Plan of Attack

Dany’s social calendar is very full today, as we rejoin her attending yet another meeting, this time, with her new allies Olenna Tyrell, Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand of Boring Dorne. All three women insist that Dany attack the Iron Throne immediately. Dany, however, offers up a more conservative approach, one that she hopes will help minimize casualties, and ensure that there is actually a population left living in Westeros for her to rule over, once the war is over.

Dany’s plan of attack is two-pronged. It involves the Greyjoy fleet and Tyrell armies attacking the outer areas of the capital, cutting the Lannister army off from food and supplies, while the Dothraki and Unsullied armies invade the Lannister home base in Casterly Rock. The three women seem impressed with Dany’s reasoned leadership, undoubtedly viewing it as a welcome change from all the other crazies and dumb-dumbs, who have ruled Westeros, since this show started. Olenna, however, warns Dany not to rely too heavily on the advice of men like Varys and Tyrion, and not to be too “soft.” “Be a Dragon,” Olenna tells Dany sagely.

A Very Steamy Bon Voyage Party of Two

Because we haven’t had a sex scene on GOT in a while, we get one here between Missandei and Greyworm, when the former confronts the Unsullied Leader for not saying goodbye to her, before leaving for battle.

Greyworm admits to Missandei that he never feared anything in battle until he met Missandei. For the first time in his life, he truly has something to lose if he dies while at war. Though Greyworm doesn’t come out and tell Missandei he loves her, it’s fairly heavily implied. Missandei responds to this admission by doing this . . .

And I know what you are thinking! But there are plenty of ways this could still end up being a good time! After all, last I checked the Unsullied still had full use of their tongues . . .

Don’t Touch My Sister, Mister!

Having a decidedly less good time than Missandei and Greyworm is Jon Snow, who is getting some serious push back from his fellow Northerners about his decision to visit Dany, which he decides to do, both to gain the dragon glass his army needs to defeat the White Walkers, and to obtain her vast army’s help in doing so. Even Lyanna Mormont appears a wee bit pissed at Jon for his decision.

Leading the charge against Jon’s decision is Sansa herself, who has developed a real knack for publicly flouting the authority of her bro. Sansa feels that Dany might be setting a trap for him, and that he should send an emissary to Dragonstone in his place. Jon nixes the idea of sending an emissary, but appeases Sansa, by leaving her in charge of babysitting the Northerners while he’s away.

Emboldened by Jon’s seemingly playing right into his devious plan for Sansa to end up Queen of the North, and ultimately rule the Iron Throne (with him as First Lady, naturally) Littlefinger takes it upon himself to follow Jon down to the crypts, and gush lustily and highly inappropriately over both Catelyn Stark, i.e. Jon’s adopted mother, and Sansa herself. Jon responds to this as he should, by throwing Littlefinger up against a wall and strangling him just a little bit.

 

It’s OK Jon. Sansa’s a tough cookie, who has gotten pretty good at coping with creepers.

In fact, I’m pretty sure this series is going to end with Sansa feeding Littlefinger to the same dogs who ate Ramsey Bolton. It’s been a few episodes since they last fed, and I imagine they are mighty hungry by now.

Give Your Uncle a Kiss!

“Is it Friday yet?”

On the boat home from their Dragonstone meeting, Yara and Ellaria Sand waste no time going to pound town on one another. And they could care less that Yara’s brother Theon is in the room while they are doing it. “A foreign invasion is underway,” puns Ellaria seductively.

Seriously, everyone has to stop making Theon watch their sex stuff. It’s not cool!

That cheesy porno line turns out to be prophetic, unfortunately, as Sassy Gay Best Friend to Cersei Euron Greyjoy and his fleet lay siege to Yara’s fleet of ships, setting them on fire, and murdering virtually all the men on them, in a fairly epic battle sequence.

Euron, for his part, Captain Jack Sparrow’s his way through the experience, taking the occasional break from his various stabbings and joustings to mug for the camera and taunt Yara and Theon. “Give your uncle a kiss,” he jokes to his niece at one point during the proceedings.

“This Euron guy should really tone it down. He’s sooo over the top.”

 

During the siege, two of three annoying Sandsnakes meet quick and uneventful deaths, and I still can’t, for the life of me, remember either of their names. (And now I never have to remember them! HOORAY!)

The other annoying Sandsnake goes to protect her mother, and the two of them end up being captured by Euron’s men, which, I think is supposed to be part of Euron’s “Gift” to Cersei. (Personally, I would have preferred a Visa Gift Card, but that’s just me.)

Another potential “Gift” to Cersei? Yara, who Euron ultimately disarms and holds at knifepoint, as he taunts Theon to come rescue her.

Theon responds to this by . . . blubbering and jumping into the sea, where he sits on piece of driftwood, and views the wreckage of his sister’s battle dreams from the water, Rose from Titanic style. A real Westerosi hero, that one!

“I’ll never let you go, Yara. I’ll never let you go!”

As for Yara, some might think she died off screen at her uncle’s hand, but I, for one, highly doubt it. After all, on this show, if there isn’t a ten-second close up of you bleeding profusely from your spinal column or face, you are probably still alive and kicking.

The guy on the left? Probably dead . . .

The girl on the left? Will likely live to inappropriately PDA another day . . .

And so, thanks to Sassy Euron and his flare for dramatic “gift giving,” Cersei has dealt her first fatal blow to Dany’s battle plan by eliminating a sizable portion of her ships.

But I wouldn’t count the Mother of Dragons out just yet. She still may well be the Prince-ss That Was Promised.

Until next time!

 

Let’s Talk about that cat from The Night Of

(Note: This post has been cross-posted at my new home Agony Booth!  Check it out!)

 

 

(Warning: This post contains some spoilers from the HBO summer series The Night Of, lots of cat pictures, and one or two very gross pictures of John Turturro’s feet.)

Based on the hit British crime procedural/mystery miniseries entitled Criminal Justice, and a posthumous passion project of the late Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini, The Night Of definitely raised a lot of eyebrows this summer, with its unflinching look at the criminal justice system and perhaps overly intense fascination with actor John Turturro’s foot fungus problem.

For some, The Night Of was about the inherent injustice of our criminal justice system, which places what many would consider an undue burden on everyone from low-end beat cops to district attorneys, demanding they craft a case that ends in the conviction of their chief suspect, even if that means purposefully turning a blind eye toward exculpatory evidence.

For others, The Night Of was about our prison system and its penchant for creating criminals and nurturing criminal instincts, before spitting half these guys back out onto the streets without the resources they need to do anything but commit crimes again, or, in the case of the wrongfully accused, commit them for the first time.

Still others felt like this was just the story of a kind-of-nerdy college kid who really, really should have stayed home from that “cool party” to which he garnered a surprise invitation.

I imagine there were others who thought the story was all about foot fungus. Because there was a lot of foot fungus in this story. Seriously.

And all those people would be wrong. Sorry, but it’s true.

The Night Of was actually the story of One Brave Cat…

Placed outside out of harm’s way by the victim of our tale mere moments before her brutal demise in the pilot episode (did she know what was coming? Did she save the cat because she couldn’t save herself?), this nameless orange tabby begins the series in a rather precarious position, alone and afraid in a world where literally nobody knows her name (she never gets one throughout the series; in fact, I’m not even entirely sure she’s female since it’s never stated outright, but I’m taking creative liberties here), and everybody seems allergic to her natural musk. (I’ve never watched a series where so many of the main characters suffered from severe cat allergies! What was up with that?)

Though a few kindly cops leave our nameless feline heroine a bowl of milk and some kibble just outside the gory crime scene, it becomes immediately clear that no one is coming to claim this orphaned kitty.  Not the victim’s douchebag stepdad, nor her accountant ex-boyfriend (though in the end, I guess that ends up being a good thing), nor her drug-dealing waiter pal from down the block.

Enter attorney John Stone, he of the really gross feet, cat allergies, and penchant for sleeping with prostitutes/hanging out around the local county lockup to fish for new clients. At first, these two beings seem like the least likely of allies.

In fact, John’s first main overture toward our Brave Cat is to drop it off at the local kill shelter, where the teen working the desk admits the little guy will likely be euthanized in ten days because he’s “old and ugly”.

NOOOOOOOO! Oh the humanity/felinity of living amidst a superficial and ageist world! We’ve all been there, am I right?

Fortunately, John Stone is nothing if not a sucker for a lost cause. See: Nazir Khan, the boy he fished out of a lockup, only to learn that he was found near the scene of a brutal murder with what appears to be the murder weapon, covered in the victim’s blood, and his sperm all over both the victim and her bed.

So, despite his allergies, John decides to take a chance on our Brave Cat… albeit temporarily. “It’s not a pardon, just a stay of execution,” John insists to the teen, as he walks out with cat carrier in hand.

At this point, Brave Cat will take whatever she can get!

And admittedly, at first it’s not much. John’s cat allergies are so severe that he can’t be in the room with Brave Cat without gloves and a face mask. So the gross-footed attorney with the heart of gold relegates himself to sliding food, toys, and the occasional newly cleaned litter box into the closed guest room that’s become Brave Cat’s slightly swankier prison than the kill shelter, before heading out to: (1) defend our protagonist, (2) sleep with his favorite hooker, and/or (3) see one of his many foot specialists about the darn fungus.

But Brave Cat perseveres, keeping her spirits up, even when things seem to be at their bleakest, by sneaking into John’s bed for an ill-advised cuddle during one particularly lonely night.

Then come the dark days, when Nazir’s trial has reached its lowest point and a bereft John lashes out at the nearest party. We see him tossing Brave Cat’s toys and litter box in the trash and dumping the poor gal back at the kill shelter for a second time.

“NOOOOO,” says the teen working at the front desk, who has become as invested in this feline’s story as we all have!

And that’s the last we see of Brave Cat for a while.

We go through the conclusion of Nazir’s trial, and Stone’s rousing closing argument, and the jury being hung, and the D.A. refusing to re-prosecute because she knows the creepy ex-boyfriend accountant did it anyway, and Nazir being released, and us thinking the guy from Boardwalk Empire is going to kill him as he’s leaving jail, but he doesn’t kill him because he really likes him even though he got him hooked on drugs and had him become an actual accessory to murder in prison and stuff.

And all I’m thinking about this whole time is, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BRAVE CAT? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, DARN SHOW! I NEED ANSWERS, AND I NEED THEM NOW, DAMMIT!”

And then we get to the final scene. John Stone is back in his apartment, watching that Sarah McLachlan commercial. You know the one, with all the super-sad animals staring at the camera to the tune of that super-depressing “Angel” song. And John is crying, of course. Because anyone who can watch that commercial and not cry has no soul. (Then again, maybe he’s just crying because his feet are really itchy.)

John rises from his chair, and as the end credits roll, all of us viewers watching at home are thinking the same thing: “He’s going to go get Brave Cat back! He’s totally going to rescue Brave Cat!”

John leaves the house, and then it looks like the series is going to end on the biggest cliffhanger of all, because we the audience are still stuck inside John’s apartment and don’t get to follow him out the door! I mean, Brave Cat is literally hanging from a metaphorical cliff at this moment in the story. And I’m trying to mentally prepare for this as I watch, telling myself that it’s okay, because I can imagine in my head that John did go back and get Brave Cat, whether or not they actually show the act of doing so. This is what I’m going to need to do, if I want to go on living my normal life, after this show ends…

But then, just a second before the screen fades to black, a familiar puff of orange waddles across the frame. It’s Brave Cat! She’s been there all along! And better yet, now she’s allowed to leave that darn room! Severe cat allergies be damned!

Life is good! There is a god! Prayer works, people!

Sure, things aren’t all rosy at the end of The Night Of: Nazir has a drug problem, his community hates him, that nice lawyer lady lost her job because she made out with him (but surprisingly not because she smuggled drugs into prison for him in her bra). But that’s okay, because Brave Cat is alive and well in John Stone’s house.

Personally, I think we all can learn a lot from Brave Cat’s story, a tale of bravery, true grit, and how sometimes we can find hope and salvation in the strangest of places: amongst the most disgusting of feet.

And cat allergies? Totally curable. Just saying.

GAME OF THRONES: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Recap: S6: Ep 9)

“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”

We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .

On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.

I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .

Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled

So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?

I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)

When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .

Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .

If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.

“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”

“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.

“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.

“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).

And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”

When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!

Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .

As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.

With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.

With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.

Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.

Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.

To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .

In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen

At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.

Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.

Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.

“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”

For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.

Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.

It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa

With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.

House Mormont is not amused!

In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .

Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.

After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.

Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .

. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .

What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .

I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .

Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.

Honestly, can you blame her?

At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.

This can’t end well . . .

Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .

We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .

Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .

This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .

To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.

This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.

At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.

Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .

Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?

“I know you are but what am I?”

Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .

Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .

“Here’s WUNWUN!”

Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.

All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . . 😦

We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.

With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!

And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .

And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.

You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!

Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book. Please?)

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

GAME OF THRONES: Hell to the NO . . . One (Recap S6: Ep 8)

This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]

In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .

Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.

Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.

Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!

Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.

“Knock, knock.”
“Whose there?
“Astaphor”
“Astaphor who?”
“Gesundeit!”

Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.

Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?

But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?

Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!

In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey

Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”

Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.

You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!

Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”

The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.

After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!

Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.

If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)

Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)

Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.

Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .

This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)

Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?

Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It

Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.

“XO, XO!”

In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.

Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.

 

Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”

 

Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).

Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.

Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.

Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)

Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .

Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever

 

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?

Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)

After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.

Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .

 

OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!

Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.

 

Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.

Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.

But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.

 

 

But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.

Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.

Until next time, Westeros!

[Buy my book, please?]

 

GAME OF THRONES: Every Hound Has Its Day (S6: Ep 7)

This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne. (Hint: She’s pictured above.)

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my good pal Andre for providing screencaps that are the photographic equivalent of Dany Targaryen’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s magical ab muscles. In other words, they are awesomeness incarnate.]

You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog, Dying All the Time . . .

You could be excused from attempting to adjust your television set, or thinking you stumbled on the wrong channel, when the same show that never met an adorable direwolf or plucky young child it didn’t want to torture, rape, and murder, featured a cold-open (it never does that), filled with happy smiling people, working to the tune of cheery music (it definitely never does that).

Crap! Did someone forget to tell me that GOT was being preempted this week for that live action version of Snow White starring Kristen Stewart and Thor?

Ian McShane is there. And he’s kind of a big deal, British actor wise. So, his character definitely won’t be dead in forty minutes . . .

“He’s got Final Girl written all over his face. Just like I did . . . in that movie where I was gutted like a fish before the opening title card . . .”

Ooh, and there’s another familiar face! It’s The Hound! Remember him? He’s the guy who Brienne of Tarth “stabbed a whole bunch” and Arya left to bleed out on a slab.

Like Grumpy the dwarf . . . on steroids . . .

Ian McShane tells the Hound that he used to play a lot of gangsters, pirates and evil Santa Clauses, until he learned to make love not war and stuff like that . . .

Ian McShane suggests that Hound let go of his anger and do the same thing. But the Hound is just super into chopping wood and hating people to death. So he’s just going to keep right on doing that, thank you very much!

When the Brotherhood Without Banners stops by and no so subtly threatens Ian McShane and his people, Ian doesn’t take it too seriously, until this happens . . .

Omigod! You killed Ian McShane and all those other people we didn’t know! You bastards!

There is nothing like having your entire community brutally murdered, and getting hung from rafters that you built with your own hands, to make you question your new nonviolent life philosophies . . .

“We could have been somebody. We could have been contenders!”

As for our friend the Hound, would you believe he was so busy chopping wood that he missed the presumably loud and brutal massacre of a village happening just two feet away? (That must be some really good wood.)

Logic and existence of ears aside, The Hound is back on the road again. And he’s brought his trusty axe with him. But something tells me that he’ll be chopping up wood of an entirely different sort, this time around . . .

Be afraid Brotherhood without Banners. Be very afraid!

And You Thought Having The Sex Talk with Your Parents Was Bad . . .

Back in Kings Landing, High Sparrow is wondering why Margaery isn’t boning her prepubescent hubby Tommen anymore. “Don’t you find little boys sexy, anymore?” High Sparrow wonders out loud.

“You are absolutely right, High Sparrow,” responds Margaery obediently. “I will most certainly start working harder to make babies with Tommen, as soon as his mother finishes breast feeding him . . . which should happen in another five to seven years.”

Placated by Margaery’s agreement to play Pin the Tail on the Pussy with Tommen more frequently, High Sparrow changes the subject to equally pressing issues, like the fact that Margaery’s grandmother, Lady Olenna, hasn’t drank the cult Kool Aid yet. And if she doesn’t do it soon, she might just be forced to do the Naked Poopy Walk of Shame. And NO ONE wants to see an eighty something year old woman naked!

What follows is a cool scene where Margaery meets with her grandmother under the watchful eyes of the “Shame, Shame Nun,” and though the new queen’s mouth is saying, “lots of super religious culty bull crap,” her eyes are saying, “Leave Kings Landing and save yourself, while you still have your dignity, and your clothing!”

Then, just in case Lady Olenna (and the viewers) are still wondering where Margaery’s loyalties truly lie, the Queen spells it out for us in adorable cartoon drawing . . .

Just kidding! Here’s the real picture . . .

Get it? It’s a rose! The emblem for the Tyrell house! Queen Margaery is not a scientologist after all! Hooray! She’s still probably going to have sex with Baby Tommen though . . .

Both secure in the knowledge that her granddaughter hasn’t actually lost her damn mind (She just plays someone who lost her damn mind in front of the Shame, Shame Nun!), and really, really, not wanting to have to get naked in front of millions of Game of Thrones fans, Lady Olenna decides to take Margaery’s advice and leave Kings Landing. Oddly enough, it’s Cersei, of all people, who entreats her to stay and fight the High Sparrow with her. But Olenna isn’t really buying her erstwhile nemesis’ sudden change of heart though . . .

Aww, come on now, Lady Olenna. Is Cersei really the worst person you ever met? If so, clearly, you haven’t met this guy . . .

In Which Yara Greyjoy Gets Laid More Than You . . .

So, Yara Greyjoy is a lesbian. Who knew? Apparently, the brothel girl whose “tits she wanted to f*&k off” had some idea. (Though, I’m not entirely sure one woman can actually f*&k the tits off another woman, anatomically speaking. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Meanwhile, Yara’s brother, Theon, is kind of depressed. And it’s all Yara’s fault. Because taking a guy with no penis to a brothel, is like taking a person on a diet to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s just mean and wrong.

“I’ll have the 54-piece chicken basket, a trough of corn muffins, and a diet Coke to go please!”

Nonetheless, Theon’s mopey-ness is harshing Yara’s buzz. And without a buzz, Yara can’t f*&k the tits off someone . . . though, as I’ve mentioned, she might not be able to do that anyway. So, like the good sister that Yara is, she forces her brother to drink massive quantities of liquor, while telling him to either man up, or kill himself. It’s pretty inspiring stuff!

Hey Zoloft, I just found the new spokespeople for your next antidepressant commercial!

Step aside, Sad Egg. You’ve been replaced!

One Fish, Two Fish, Blackfish, Blue Fish

Not sure why everyone cares so much about getting control of Riverrun, which size wise, looks to be about the equivalent of four ranch style homes sitting next to one another in a modern-day suburban development. Nonetheless, the Frey army seems super serious about it, because they are willing to kill this guy, Ed Tully, to get it. And Blackfish, who is related to Ed Tully, is willing to let the poor guy die to keep it.

Who has a funny-looking haircut, and isn’t winning any popularity contests this week? THIS GUY!

Fortunately, Jamie and Bronn ride to Ed Tully’s rescue, because . . . wait for it . . . THEY WANT itty bitty Riverrun too!

 

Aww! I missed the charming buddy cop comedy that was the Jamie and Bronn show! How could Blackfish possibly say no to these two handsome studs?

Apparently, pretty easily. Sorry Jamie! For what it’s worth, I think your cool blue armor really brings out the color in your eyes . . .

Little Bear Don’t Care

Meanwhile, over in the North, Sansa and Jon are attempting to build their army with mixed success. Sure, things start off OK, when they procure everybody’s favorite giant, Wun-Wun, for their cause . . .

. . . along with everybody’s favorite ginger, Tormund . . .

But my new favorite Queen Lyanna of Mormont is a bit tougher to sway. Though her house has always been loyal to the Stark family . . . one might argue that Jon (who is a Snow) and Sansa (who is arguably a Lannister or Bolton, by marriage, depending on which season of GOT you are Warg DVR-ing with Bran) are not actually Starks. When neither Sansa’s attempts to flatter, nor Jon’s attempts to impress the ten-year old sassy Queen succeed, Ser Davos chimes in with some serious truth talking. “Giiiiirllll,” he begins conspiratorially. “The Nights King is coming. So you can either fight with us, and be part of the Game of Thrones, with at least recurring character status. Or you can not join us, and become the little girl zombie that got her face blown off in the first few minutes of the pilot of The Walking Dead.”

As with most children and sassy queens, honesty turns out to be the best policy. Queen Lyanna ultimately ends up offering up all her men to the Stark cause . . . all 62 of them.

Ferocious, sassy, adorable, and Wun-Wun though they might be, Sansa is not particularly impressed with Jon Snow’s current army collection. And it’s because of this that the eldest Stark daughter feels forced to reach out to a former friend for help. . .

And though its tough to tell from the blurry snip-it we got to see on screen, I’m willing to bet that Sansa’s “friend’s” name rhymes with Diddle Dinger . . .

Arya Stark: No Face, Excellent Abs

With her former coworker from Burgerless White Castle out for her blood, Arya knows she needs to leave Braavos and fast. She quickly manages to secure passage on a ship to parts unknown, which leaves at dawn. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a few hours too late, because mere minutes after the transaction is completed, this happens . . .

Aren’t really, really ridiculously old people, the scariest? In fact, if there was a horror movie entitled, Oldies, I probably wouldn’t see it, because it would give me too many nightmares. In fairness, the woman stabbing Arya to death in this scene isn’t really an Oldie, it’s just the evil ginger pretending to be one for murdery purposes.

After being stabbed about 85,000 times (enough times to at least temporarily murder Jon Stark) Arya falls into the water, and is presumed dead by Evil Ginger Chick, who has clearly never watched a horror movie in her life . . . otherwise she’d know that the dead always come back for one final Jump Scare in the last five minutes of the film.

But Evil Ginger Chick’s being a moron with poor knowledge of horror film cliches isn’t the only thing Arya Stark has going for her. Apparently, she also has magical abdominal muscles that are immune to massive internal bleeding from multiple stab wounds! Isn’t that awesome? That’s almost as cool as having boobies that are immune to fire like Dany Targaryen!

I’m still waiting to meet a character with a magical penis . . .

Arya’s perfectly fine, y’all! She’ll just need a little stain stick for all the blood on her dress. Maybe she can buy some at the gift shop that’s on the boat . . .

Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book, please!)