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Let’s Talk about that cat from The Night Of

(Note: This post has been cross-posted at my new home Agony Booth!  Check it out!)

 

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(Warning: This post contains some spoilers from the HBO summer series The Night Of, lots of cat pictures, and one or two very gross pictures of John Turturro’s feet.)

Based on the hit British crime procedural/mystery miniseries entitled Criminal Justice, and a posthumous passion project of the late Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini, The Night Of definitely raised a lot of eyebrows this summer, with its unflinching look at the criminal justice system and perhaps overly intense fascination with actor John Turturro’s foot fungus problem.

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For some, The Night Of was about the inherent injustice of our criminal justice system, which places what many would consider an undue burden on everyone from low-end beat cops to district attorneys, demanding they craft a case that ends in the conviction of their chief suspect, even if that means purposefully turning a blind eye toward exculpatory evidence.

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For others, The Night Of was about our prison system and its penchant for creating criminals and nurturing criminal instincts, before spitting half these guys back out onto the streets without the resources they need to do anything but commit crimes again, or, in the case of the wrongfully accused, commit them for the first time.

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Still others felt like this was just the story of a kind-of-nerdy college kid who really, really should have stayed home from that “cool party” to which he garnered a surprise invitation.

I imagine there were others who thought the story was all about foot fungus. Because there was a lot of foot fungus in this story. Seriously.

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And all those people would be wrong. Sorry, but it’s true.

The Night Of was actually the story of One Brave Cat…

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Placed outside out of harm’s way by the victim of our tale mere moments before her brutal demise in the pilot episode (did she know what was coming? Did she save the cat because she couldn’t save herself?), this nameless orange tabby begins the series in a rather precarious position, alone and afraid in a world where literally nobody knows her name (she never gets one throughout the series; in fact, I’m not even entirely sure she’s female since it’s never stated outright, but I’m taking creative liberties here), and everybody seems allergic to her natural musk. (I’ve never watched a series where so many of the main characters suffered from severe cat allergies! What was up with that?)

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Though a few kindly cops leave our nameless feline heroine a bowl of milk and some kibble just outside the gory crime scene, it becomes immediately clear that no one is coming to claim this orphaned kitty.  Not the victim’s douchebag stepdad, nor her accountant ex-boyfriend (though in the end, I guess that ends up being a good thing), nor her drug-dealing waiter pal from down the block.

Enter attorney John Stone, he of the really gross feet, cat allergies, and penchant for sleeping with prostitutes/hanging out around the local county lockup to fish for new clients. At first, these two beings seem like the least likely of allies.

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In fact, John’s first main overture toward our Brave Cat is to drop it off at the local kill shelter, where the teen working the desk admits the little guy will likely be euthanized in ten days because he’s “old and ugly”.

NOOOOOOOO! Oh the humanity/felinity of living amidst a superficial and ageist world! We’ve all been there, am I right?

Fortunately, John Stone is nothing if not a sucker for a lost cause. See: Nazir Khan, the boy he fished out of a lockup, only to learn that he was found near the scene of a brutal murder with what appears to be the murder weapon, covered in the victim’s blood, and his sperm all over both the victim and her bed.

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So, despite his allergies, John decides to take a chance on our Brave Cat… albeit temporarily. “It’s not a pardon, just a stay of execution,” John insists to the teen, as he walks out with cat carrier in hand.

At this point, Brave Cat will take whatever she can get!

And admittedly, at first it’s not much. John’s cat allergies are so severe that he can’t be in the room with Brave Cat without gloves and a face mask. So the gross-footed attorney with the heart of gold relegates himself to sliding food, toys, and the occasional newly cleaned litter box into the closed guest room that’s become Brave Cat’s slightly swankier prison than the kill shelter, before heading out to: (1) defend our protagonist, (2) sleep with his favorite hooker, and/or (3) see one of his many foot specialists about the darn fungus.

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But Brave Cat perseveres, keeping her spirits up, even when things seem to be at their bleakest, by sneaking into John’s bed for an ill-advised cuddle during one particularly lonely night.

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Then come the dark days, when Nazir’s trial has reached its lowest point and a bereft John lashes out at the nearest party. We see him tossing Brave Cat’s toys and litter box in the trash and dumping the poor gal back at the kill shelter for a second time.

“NOOOOO,” says the teen working at the front desk, who has become as invested in this feline’s story as we all have!

And that’s the last we see of Brave Cat for a while.

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We go through the conclusion of Nazir’s trial, and Stone’s rousing closing argument, and the jury being hung, and the D.A. refusing to re-prosecute because she knows the creepy ex-boyfriend accountant did it anyway, and Nazir being released, and us thinking the guy from Boardwalk Empire is going to kill him as he’s leaving jail, but he doesn’t kill him because he really likes him even though he got him hooked on drugs and had him become an actual accessory to murder in prison and stuff.

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And all I’m thinking about this whole time is, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BRAVE CAT? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, DARN SHOW! I NEED ANSWERS, AND I NEED THEM NOW, DAMMIT!”

And then we get to the final scene. John Stone is back in his apartment, watching that Sarah McLachlan commercial. You know the one, with all the super-sad animals staring at the camera to the tune of that super-depressing “Angel” song. And John is crying, of course. Because anyone who can watch that commercial and not cry has no soul. (Then again, maybe he’s just crying because his feet are really itchy.)

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John rises from his chair, and as the end credits roll, all of us viewers watching at home are thinking the same thing: “He’s going to go get Brave Cat back! He’s totally going to rescue Brave Cat!”

John leaves the house, and then it looks like the series is going to end on the biggest cliffhanger of all, because we the audience are still stuck inside John’s apartment and don’t get to follow him out the door! I mean, Brave Cat is literally hanging from a metaphorical cliff at this moment in the story. And I’m trying to mentally prepare for this as I watch, telling myself that it’s okay, because I can imagine in my head that John did go back and get Brave Cat, whether or not they actually show the act of doing so. This is what I’m going to need to do, if I want to go on living my normal life, after this show ends…

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But then, just a second before the screen fades to black, a familiar puff of orange waddles across the frame. It’s Brave Cat! She’s been there all along! And better yet, now she’s allowed to leave that darn room! Severe cat allergies be damned!

Life is good! There is a god! Prayer works, people!

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Sure, things aren’t all rosy at the end of The Night Of: Nazir has a drug problem, his community hates him, that nice lawyer lady lost her job because she made out with him (but surprisingly not because she smuggled drugs into prison for him in her bra). But that’s okay, because Brave Cat is alive and well in John Stone’s house.

Personally, I think we all can learn a lot from Brave Cat’s story, a tale of bravery, true grit, and how sometimes we can find hope and salvation in the strangest of places: amongst the most disgusting of feet.

And cat allergies? Totally curable. Just saying.

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GAME OF THRONES: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Recap: S6: Ep 9)

one on everyone

“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”

We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .

On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.

victory ban

winter fell

I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .

Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled

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So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?

I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)

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When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .

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jason hockey mask

Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .

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If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.

“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”

“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.

“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.

burn them all

“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).

And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”

When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!

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reign begun

Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .

all three of the dragons

As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.

With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.

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With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.

Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.

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Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.

To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .

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In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen

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At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.

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Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.

Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.

“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”

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up for anything

For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.

Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.

It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa

little and sansa together again

With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.

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House Mormont is not amused!

In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .

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Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.

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After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.

Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .

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. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .

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hold the toy

What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .

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I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .

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Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.

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Honestly, can you blame her?

At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.

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This can’t end well . . .

Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .

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We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .

Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .

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This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .

battle weary

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To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.

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This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.

At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.

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Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .

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Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?

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“I know you are but what am I?”

Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .

Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .

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“Here’s WUNWUN!”

Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.

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All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . . 😦

We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.

With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!

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face smash

And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .

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carlton dance

And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.

You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!

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shopping

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Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book. Please?)

snarky goes

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

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GAME OF THRONES: Hell to the NO . . . One (Recap S6: Ep 8)

you got served
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]

In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .

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Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.

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Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.

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Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!

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Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.

tyrion-dancing-top

"Knock, knock." "Whose there? "Astaphor" "Astaphor who?" "Gesundeit!"

“Knock, knock.”
“Whose there?
“Astaphor”
“Astaphor who?”
“Gesundeit!”

Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.

slaver ships

shooting

Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?

hannah dancing

But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?

dany flying

Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!

where are my dragons

In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey

prefer chicken

Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”

last wordsshit at dying

Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.

hanging

You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!

tough to kill

Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”

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The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.

After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!

Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.

If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .

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Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)

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Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)

Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.

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Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .

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This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)

pwned cer

Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?

burn them all

Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It

nikolaj-coster-waldau-as-jaime-lannister

Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.

"XO, XO!"

“XO, XO!”

In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.

sworrd playsword play 2

Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.

try to consider

 

Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”

edd it

 

Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).

kardash

Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.

Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.

Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)

longing look

looking at brienne

Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .

Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever

run waif run

 

chuckie run

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?

Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)

cers and jof

After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.

Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .

dead lady crane

 

scared baby gif

OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!

run jump rollin

Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.

sneering

 

Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.

fight in dark

Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.

the face

ChuckyDoll

But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.

 

sent to kill

waif dead

arya stark of winterfell

 

But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.

Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.

Until next time, Westeros!

[Buy my book, please?]

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GAME OF THRONES: Every Hound Has Its Day (S6: Ep 7)

lyanna mormont

This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne. (Hint: She’s pictured above.)

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my good pal Andre for providing screencaps that are the photographic equivalent of Dany Targaryen’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s magical ab muscles. In other words, they are awesomeness incarnate.]

You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog, Dying All the Time . . .

tough to kill

You could be excused from attempting to adjust your television set, or thinking you stumbled on the wrong channel, when the same show that never met an adorable direwolf or plucky young child it didn’t want to torture, rape, and murder, featured a cold-open (it never does that), filled with happy smiling people, working to the tune of cheery music (it definitely never does that).

heigh ho

Crap! Did someone forget to tell me that GOT was being preempted this week for that live action version of Snow White starring Kristen Stewart and Thor?

Ian McShane is there. And he’s kind of a big deal, British actor wise. So, his character definitely won’t be dead in forty minutes . . .

game-of-thrones-ian-mcshane

drew in scream

“He’s got Final Girl written all over his face. Just like I did . . . in that movie where I was gutted like a fish before the opening title card . . .”

Ooh, and there’s another familiar face! It’s The Hound! Remember him? He’s the guy who Brienne of Tarth “stabbed a whole bunch” and Arya left to bleed out on a slab.

shiny happy

Like Grumpy the dwarf . . . on steroids . . .

Ian McShane tells the Hound that he used to play a lot of gangsters, pirates and evil Santa Clauses, until he learned to make love not war and stuff like that . . .

ian mcshane deadwood

blow 1

blow 2

Ian McShane suggests that Hound let go of his anger and do the same thing. But the Hound is just super into chopping wood and hating people to death. So he’s just going to keep right on doing that, thank you very much!

When the Brotherhood Without Banners stops by and no so subtly threatens Ian McShane and his people, Ian doesn’t take it too seriously, until this happens . . .

massacre

dead ian

Omigod! You killed Ian McShane and all those other people we didn’t know! You bastards!

There is nothing like having your entire community brutally murdered, and getting hung from rafters that you built with your own hands, to make you question your new nonviolent life philosophies . . .

dead drew

“We could have been somebody. We could have been contenders!”

As for our friend the Hound, would you believe he was so busy chopping wood that he missed the presumably loud and brutal massacre of a village happening just two feet away? (That must be some really good wood.)

Logic and existence of ears aside, The Hound is back on the road again. And he’s brought his trusty axe with him. But something tells me that he’ll be chopping up wood of an entirely different sort, this time around . . .

takes ax

Be afraid Brotherhood without Banners. Be very afraid!

And You Thought Having The Sex Talk with Your Parents Was Bad . . .

Back in Kings Landing, High Sparrow is wondering why Margaery isn’t boning her prepubescent hubby Tommen anymore. “Don’t you find little boys sexy, anymore?” High Sparrow wonders out loud.

tommen with cat

“You are absolutely right, High Sparrow,” responds Margaery obediently. “I will most certainly start working harder to make babies with Tommen, as soon as his mother finishes breast feeding him . . . which should happen in another five to seven years.”

Placated by Margaery’s agreement to play Pin the Tail on the Pussy with Tommen more frequently, High Sparrow changes the subject to equally pressing issues, like the fact that Margaery’s grandmother, Lady Olenna, hasn’t drank the cult Kool Aid yet. And if she doesn’t do it soon, she might just be forced to do the Naked Poopy Walk of Shame. And NO ONE wants to see an eighty something year old woman naked!

no precious

What follows is a cool scene where Margaery meets with her grandmother under the watchful eyes of the “Shame, Shame Nun,” and though the new queen’s mouth is saying, “lots of super religious culty bull crap,” her eyes are saying, “Leave Kings Landing and save yourself, while you still have your dignity, and your clothing!”

believe me marg

hugs

Then, just in case Lady Olenna (and the viewers) are still wondering where Margaery’s loyalties truly lie, the Queen spells it out for us in adorable cartoon drawing . . .

06-funny-kids-drawings

Just kidding! Here’s the real picture . . .

the rose

Get it? It’s a rose! The emblem for the Tyrell house! Queen Margaery is not a scientologist after all! Hooray! She’s still probably going to have sex with Baby Tommen though . . .

Both secure in the knowledge that her granddaughter hasn’t actually lost her damn mind (She just plays someone who lost her damn mind in front of the Shame, Shame Nun!), and really, really, not wanting to have to get naked in front of millions of Game of Thrones fans, Lady Olenna decides to take Margaery’s advice and leave Kings Landing. Oddly enough, it’s Cersei, of all people, who entreats her to stay and fight the High Sparrow with her. But Olenna isn’t really buying her erstwhile nemesis’ sudden change of heart though . . .

worst person

pwned cer

Aww, come on now, Lady Olenna. Is Cersei really the worst person you ever met? If so, clearly, you haven’t met this guy . . .

sausage player

In Which Yara Greyjoy Gets Laid More Than You . . .

yara having a good time

So, Yara Greyjoy is a lesbian. Who knew? Apparently, the brothel girl whose “tits she wanted to f*&k off” had some idea. (Though, I’m not entirely sure one woman can actually f*&k the tits off another woman, anatomically speaking. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Meanwhile, Yara’s brother, Theon, is kind of depressed. And it’s all Yara’s fault. Because taking a guy with no penis to a brothel, is like taking a person on a diet to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s just mean and wrong.

Now Serving A Bucket Full Of Heartwarming!

“I’ll have the 54-piece chicken basket, a trough of corn muffins, and a diet Coke to go please!”

Nonetheless, Theon’s mopey-ness is harshing Yara’s buzz. And without a buzz, Yara can’t f*&k the tits off someone . . . though, as I’ve mentioned, she might not be able to do that anyway. So, like the good sister that Yara is, she forces her brother to drink massive quantities of liquor, while telling him to either man up, or kill himself. It’s pretty inspiring stuff!

sad the

crying theon

Hey Zoloft, I just found the new spokespeople for your next antidepressant commercial!

sad egg two

Step aside, Sad Egg. You’ve been replaced!

One Fish, Two Fish, Blackfish, Blue Fish

im disa

Not sure why everyone cares so much about getting control of Riverrun, which size wise, looks to be about the equivalent of four ranch style homes sitting next to one another in a modern-day suburban development. Nonetheless, the Frey army seems super serious about it, because they are willing to kill this guy, Ed Tully, to get it. And Blackfish, who is related to Ed Tully, is willing to let the poor guy die to keep it.

better ed

Who has a funny-looking haircut, and isn’t winning any popularity contests this week? THIS GUY!

Fortunately, Jamie and Bronn ride to Ed Tully’s rescue, because . . . wait for it . . . THEY WANT itty bitty Riverrun too!

dont say it

 

Aww! I missed the charming buddy cop comedy that was the Jamie and Bronn show! How could Blackfish possibly say no to these two handsome studs?

bummed

Apparently, pretty easily. Sorry Jamie! For what it’s worth, I think your cool blue armor really brings out the color in your eyes . . .

Little Bear Don’t Care

sansa and jon

Meanwhile, over in the North, Sansa and Jon are attempting to build their army with mixed success. Sure, things start off OK, when they procure everybody’s favorite giant, Wun-Wun, for their cause . . .

better wun wun

wun-wun

. . . along with everybody’s favorite ginger, Tormund . . .

looking at tormund

But my new favorite Queen Lyanna of Mormont is a bit tougher to sway. Though her house has always been loyal to the Stark family . . . one might argue that Jon (who is a Snow) and Sansa (who is arguably a Lannister or Bolton, by marriage, depending on which season of GOT you are Warg DVR-ing with Bran) are not actually Starks. When neither Sansa’s attempts to flatter, nor Jon’s attempts to impress the ten-year old sassy Queen succeed, Ser Davos chimes in with some serious truth talking. “Giiiiirllll,” he begins conspiratorially. “The Nights King is coming. So you can either fight with us, and be part of the Game of Thrones, with at least recurring character status. Or you can not join us, and become the little girl zombie that got her face blown off in the first few minutes of the pilot of The Walking Dead.”

king of the north

As with most children and sassy queens, honesty turns out to be the best policy. Queen Lyanna ultimately ends up offering up all her men to the Stark cause . . . all 62 of them.

proud house

half as ferocious

Ferocious, sassy, adorable, and Wun-Wun though they might be, Sansa is not particularly impressed with Jon Snow’s current army collection. And it’s because of this that the eldest Stark daughter feels forced to reach out to a former friend for help. . .

sansas letter

And though its tough to tell from the blurry snip-it we got to see on screen, I’m willing to bet that Sansa’s “friend’s” name rhymes with Diddle Dinger . . .

littlefinger

Arya Stark: No Face, Excellent Abs

arya

With her former coworker from Burgerless White Castle out for her blood, Arya knows she needs to leave Braavos and fast. She quickly manages to secure passage on a ship to parts unknown, which leaves at dawn. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a few hours too late, because mere minutes after the transaction is completed, this happens . . .

stabbing

Aren’t really, really ridiculously old people, the scariest? In fact, if there was a horror movie entitled, Oldies, I probably wouldn’t see it, because it would give me too many nightmares. In fairness, the woman stabbing Arya to death in this scene isn’t really an Oldie, it’s just the evil ginger pretending to be one for murdery purposes.

waif

After being stabbed about 85,000 times (enough times to at least temporarily murder Jon Stark) Arya falls into the water, and is presumed dead by Evil Ginger Chick, who has clearly never watched a horror movie in her life . . . otherwise she’d know that the dead always come back for one final Jump Scare in the last five minutes of the film.

boo wee

But Evil Ginger Chick’s being a moron with poor knowledge of horror film cliches isn’t the only thing Arya Stark has going for her. Apparently, she also has magical abdominal muscles that are immune to massive internal bleeding from multiple stab wounds! Isn’t that awesome? That’s almost as cool as having boobies that are immune to fire like Dany Targaryen!

arya i am

dany inflammable boobs

I’m still waiting to meet a character with a magical penis . . .

Arya’s perfectly fine, y’all! She’ll just need a little stain stick for all the blood on her dress. Maybe she can buy some at the gift shop that’s on the boat . . .

Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book, please!)

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GAME OF THRONES: At least nobody died! (S6: Ep: 6)

burn them all

This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.

While not the season’s strongest episode (or second strongest, or third strongest), “Blood of My Blood” did have some fun and exciting things to offer loyal viewers, like for example the chance to re-experience a porn star version of that little sh*t Joffrey’s death . . .

joffrey death - season 4

Also, after last week’s bloodbath of an hour, the Grim Reaper decided to take a well-deserved vacation from the show. So, that was pleasant, I guess!

homer reaper

Let’s review, shall we?

Uncle Ben-jen . . . it’s not just a box of rice anymore

uncle ben

When we last left Oat Bran Stark, he was taking a much needed rest after EFFING UP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, AND FORCING ALL HIS FRIENDS TO KILL THEMSELVES. (Ruining lives is tiring, y’all). In present time, he is still napping to the dreamlike images of his trusty Game of Thrones Warg DVR, while poor Meera is frustratedly attempting to drag his lame ass to safety.

watch wait

“Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “Ask me that one more time, and I swear, I will turn these feet right around and, we will go home!”

This week’s Warg DVR installment of Game of Thrones is less a single episode of dubious importance and more a fast forwarding of the “previously on” segments from every Game of Thrones episode ever. I get it, Oat Bran. You’ve spent the past few months with an Old Man in the Tree Game of Thrones Zealot, who insists that you watch and rewatch all the most mundane scenes of the show and discuss and analyze them in great detail, when all you are really interested in is the murders and the shots of peoples’ boobies!

dany inflammable boobs

So, of course, among the many scene snip-its, we would get to see Jamie Lannister murdering Dany’s daddy, Aerys Targaryen, Mr. “Burn them All” himself. Because murder is cool, and crazy demented old people are always good for a few giggles.

burn them all big kills sits

Also, we get to see Oat Bran himself being pushed out of a tower by Jamie back in season 1. This must have been annoying for Bran to watch, because, obviously, he knew that happened to him already.

This “previously on” Warg DVR installment also contained some scenes from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple Wedding, though we’ll get that a bit later in the episode), Ned’s beheading, Dany’s “birthing of dragons,” young Ned seeking, but not getting, any answers about his sister’s whereabouts at the Tower of Joy, some folks making fire, and a whole bunch of stuff involving what Bran’s new man crush, the Night’s King, does in his spare time, when he’s not terrorizing Bran.

"They make this way too easy."

“I make this look goooood.”

If you are a GOT fan less like Oat Bran and More Like Old Man (Now Dead Man) in a Tree, I’m quite certain you can find a variety of fan sites that break down and analyze in detail all of Bran’s visions. Like this:

https://youtu.be/Tnf1f4w23Ic

And this:

http://www.thewrap.com/game-of-thrones-everything-bran-stark-saw-in-his-flashback-montage/

But since I’m a bit more of an Oat Bran-type fan myself, I’ll just tell you that there was lots of murder, but minimal boobies . . .

Eventually, Meera gets tired of dragging around a lifeless sack of Oat Bran, and drops him to the ground, just as he finally wakes up from his nap. Unfortunately, this is exactly the time when Oat Bran’s skeleton friends have found him in this not-very-challenging game of hide-and-seek.

“It looks like Warg DVR is about to be cancelled due to increased subscription prices, and because it keeps people from watching any commercials,” Meera says dejectedly. “Sorry about the whole, ‘You Are About to Die,’ thing, Oat Bran. Hopefully, there are Game of Thrones reruns in heaven!”

But then . . . some dude comes by on a horse with a whole lot of conveniently stored weapons in his coat, and he kills all the skeleton things!

thriller dance

It’s Benjen Stark . . . back from the dead . . . kind of!

benjen

Benjen explains that he should have become a zombie or White Walker, but the Tree People cured him using dragon glass . . . information which I imagine will come in handy later on this season. Also, we’ve added back another Stark to the show! And everybody wants more Starks . . . unless, of course, your last name happens to be Lannister!

Samwell Tarley: More than Just a Meathead

sam and gilly big

Back in the hilarious family sitcom portion of the show, Sam and Gillyland, Sam, Gilly and Little Sam (which, you should know, is the actual name of Gilly’s baby, and not a euphemism for Sam’s penis), head to Sam’s parents’ house at Horn Hill. Sam briefly reminds Gilly that her dad is a racist, and a perpetual grumpster, who absolutely hates Wildings, loves hunting, and occasionally sings off-key with his wife in front of the piano about the “Good Old Days” for sh*ts and giggles.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell my dad you are a Wilding!” Sam cautions Gilly.

Then a laugh track interrupts the scene out of nowhere, because we know that’s exactly what Gilly is going to do. And it’s going to be . . . wait for it . . . hilarious!

At Sam’s house in Horn Hill, Sam’s mom, Edith Bunker, is super nice to Gilly, making you wonder how she wound up with an asshat like Archie in the first place. (Maybe his sexy spouting of showtunes makes up for his generalized assholeishness.)

archie

As for Gilly, she’s super impressed by how friggin rich Sam is! He grew up in such a fancy place! Here people take real baths . . . and more than once every two years! And they wear clothes that aren’t made from the carcasses of dead animals! And they eat food that hasn’t been pre-chewed by that creepy wildling guy who boned all his daughters to make incest babies! In fact, within minutes of first entering Sam’s house, Gilly feels a bit like this . . .

https://youtu.be/_nM_-CFRBS8

. . . or maybe more like Julia Roberts’ character from Pretty Woman . . . you know, without all the prostitution stuff.

pretty woman shopping

But then, hijinks ensure at family dinner (as they tend to do on sitcoms like this). Sam’s dad, Archie Bunker, is super mean to him, calling him Meathead, deriding him for reading too many books, and eating too many bad carbs. When Gilly tries to defend her sort-of-boyfriend / husband’s honor, she only ends up inadvertently revealing the one thing she was forbidden to reveal in the first place. She’s a Wilding! (Insert laugh track here.)

Despite all his blustering, Sam’s dad does agree to raise Gilly’s child, and let Gilly stay, but only if she works as his “Sassy Maid with a Heart of Gold,” which, if we are being totally honest, is something All in the Family was sorely lacking.

gilly

But Sam’s all, “This is the Sam and Gillyland show! I’m not agreeing to a spinoff series, until I’ve at least lasted on air long enough to get syndication rights.”

And so, Sam and Gilly escape the Evil Archie Bunker together with Little Sam (again, the baby, not the penis), but not before Sam takes daddy’s sword, because petty larceny is super funny! *insert laugh track here*

takes sword

Stupid is the Head that Wears the Crown

talking

Back at Kings Landing, Margaery (whose hair is looking more fabulous than ever, thank you very much) is finally reunited with her husband, Twerpy Tommen, mere hours before her supposed Naked Shame Walk O’ Poopy.

“Wifey, I am so very sorry, you are going to have to get poop thrown at your boobies today,” sympathizes Tommen. “If only your boobies could have super powers like Dany Targaryen’s. Then, all the poop thrown at you would bounce off your boobies and hit all the poop-flinging poor people. Because poor people are just the worst, aren’t they wifey?”

“You know Tommen, during my time in Religious Nutbar Jail (and by “during my time” I mean “in the last five minutes before you showed up”) I’ve decided to convert to Scientology like Tom Cruise and John Travolta!”

good at good

Tommen wrinkles his nose. “But High Sparrow isn’t even a Scientologist,” he argues.

“Oops,” corrects Margaery, “wrong cult whose premises I don’t really believe in, but whose allegiance might be beneficial to my career. What I mean to say is, I’ve decided to become a Religious Nutbar, and you should become one too!”

“OK,” Tommen says excitedly, drinking the Kool Aid, Margaery has carefully packed into his Care Bear lunch box.

“Don’t you want to know why I think you should become a Religious Nutbar?” Margaery asks curiously.

“No, I don’t need an explanation,” offers Tommen. “I just generally agree with the last thing anybody says to me at any given moment. It’s pretty much my only defining character trait.”

tommen with cat

Then, comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Naked Poop Flinging Time!

But wait! A hero has come to rescue Margaery from the indignities suffered by his sister (probably because the actress who plays Margaery has smartly included a “no haircuts” and “no poop boobs” clause into her contract).

It’s Jamie Lannister, and he’s on a horse that can climb stairs!

rides up

This is almost as exciting as a CGI Dragon that people pretend to get burned by, while staring at a Green Screen!

“Sorry folks, there will be no poop flinging today,” Jamie explains gallantly.

“You are absolutely right,” responds High Sparrow, before laughing malevolently, stroking a fake mustache, and decapitating an entire basket of cute puppies with a single hand.

puppies

(No cute puppies were harmed in the making of this recap.)

“I proudly present to you the new Mr. and Mrs. Religious Nutbar,” High Sparrow pronounces, “They are here to remove all your First Amendment Privileges, erase the already barely there separation between church and state, and star in the best shampoo commercials ever made by man.”

church state

And that was how King Tommen and Queen Margaery became card-carrying scientologists . . . oops, I mean that other religious cult thing from this show.

beaten us

Of course, new Religious Nutbar Tommen has to punish Jamie for “walking up the stairs on a horse.” So he sends him to Riverrun so he can meet up with Brienne and have awkward sexually tense encounters with someone who isn’t his sister . . . um, I mean recapture the land for Lannister ally, Walder Frey.

kissed tully boots

Back at the castle, Jamie Lannister is soooo done with this Religious Nutbar plotline. “It’s already episode 6. Can’t we just murder High Sparrow already? Surely the show is ready for another Big Bad by now,” he explains to Cersei.

“Not until the Season Finale. Patience, Jamie,” responds an uncharacteristically serene and calculating Cersei. (Haircuts and poop boobs must be really good for your mental health!)

Then, the brother and sister pair have to make out, because, as a rule, every GOT episode needs something nauseating to happen during it. And nobody gets their head chopped off, face smashed in, poisoned until they turn purple, or has their innards pulled from their stomachs, this week, so there you have it . . .

love lover

Arya Stark: Porn Star Murderer for Hire?

retrieve

Back in Braavos, Arya is still watching Game of Thrones porn. (Coach potato-ism must be a recurring genetic trait in the Stark family.) This time, Arya is watching a reenactment of my favorite all-time scene of Game of Thrones: the one where Joffrey gets poisoned by bad wine! (The play scene is almost as good as the original scene. But it would be way better with the purple face, buggy eyes and gaggy noises of actor Jack Gleeson.)

After the show is over, Arya heads off to do her Burgerless White Castle duties of poisoning Pornstar!Cersei’s rum flagon. Shortly thereafter, Pornstar!Cersei finds Arya lurking around and weirdly enough asks her for “notes” on her performance. “You should play Cersei much angrier,” Arya notes. “Also, consider painting Pornstar!Joffrey’s face purple, making his eyes bug out of his head, and extending his death scene for another ten minutes, because that would be awesome.”

“Thanks!” Pornstar!Cersei exclaims gratefully.

not dead

“You’re welcome,” Arya replies, finally realizing that maybe Burgerless White Castle isn’t such a great place to work, seeing as they insist on killing the world’s sweetest pornstars. “Hey, I wouldn’t drink that rum, if I were you.”

Like a boss, Arya, knocks the poisoned flagon out of Pornstar!Cersei’s hand, fingers Pornstar!Sansa as the woman who likely hired the hit on Pornstar!Cersei, in the first place, rescues her trusty sword Needle from the rocks, and escapes Burgerless White Castle for good, like she should have done weeks ago.

Oh, I should probably mention that Ginger Chick wants to kill Arya now, instead of just beat the shit out of her, like she’s been doing all season. This probably means that Ginger Chick is finally going to die next week! Hooray for soon-to-be dead annoying gingers!

arya i am

We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do! We’ve Got Spirit or My Dragon will Kill You!

dragon kill

Finally, over in Dothraki territory, sexy Daario questions Dany about her plan for governance of Westeros, once she inevitably uses her inflammable boobs to take over the world. “Huh?” Dany responds blankly.

more talkin

In case it hasn’t already been made painfully obvious, Dany Targaryen would make a crap president. But she’d make an AMAZING FOOTBALL COACH! And so what follows, in the last five minutes of the episode, is the best pre-game locker room speech ever . . . not because of what Dany says, mind you. Because what Dany says is the same empty crap coaches have been telling their teams for years, “Work hard for me. You are all equally important members of my team. We are going to destroy our opposition, blah, blah, blah!”

give me seven choose you all

But she does it while on top of a dragon. And dragons, in case you didn’t know, are like chocolate and sex. Add them to anything, and it instantly becomes irresistible.

Until next time, Westeros!]

Cross post at Happy Nice Time People.

[Buy my book. Please?]

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GAME OF THRONES: Bran Stark, You Had One Job! (S6: Ep 5 Recap)

white walker meet up

“Hey, you are the Night King, right? You are much shorter in person . . .”

“The Door” a.k.a. the episode in which Bran Stark, binge-watcher of Warg-DVR, taker of naps, tree-hanger-outer, RUINS EVERYTHING! Also, this week, Sansa throws some much-awaited shade at Little Finger; Arya watches a porn version of Season 1 of GOT; and the winner of the Kingsmoot gets the medieval equivalent of a toilet bowl head-dunk swirly.

Let’s chat about it, shall we?

Sansa to Littlefinger: “Now I Know Why My Mom Dumped Your Ass.”

little and sans

Our Little Sansa Stark is all grown up now, isn’t she? It seems like only yesterday, she was blindly following Littlefinger, letting him slide his snaky tongue down her throat, and allowing him to give her a Darth Sansa makeover.

Now, she’s making her own outfits (and Jon’s too, more on that later), has loyal Brienne at her side as the best bodyguard who isn’t Cersei’s Zombie Mountain Dude ever, and isn’t taking any crap whatsoever from the man with the silly name, the even sillier mustache, and an accent whose country of origin changes in every other sentence.

“Do you know what Ramsey did to me?” Sansa interrogates her former ally icily, in a not so thinly-veiled allusion to that Controversial Brutal Rape Episode of the season past.

know about ramsay

To Littlefinger’s credit, he looks deeply abashed, horrified, and contrite over this reveal, though its unclear whether this is because he cares for Sansa like a daughter, a lover (ick), or the best chance he has to get anywhere near the Iron Throne.

“You saved my life and rescued me from monsters who tortured and killed my family, and sold me to other monsters who tortured and killed my family,” Sansa rightfully seethes.

Sansa is soooo done with Littlefinger now. She doesn’t need his stupid army, led by that creepy Pee Wee Herman looking kid and his pet bird, thank you very much. And so Littlefinger is forced to shuffle out of the room with his head hung low, and his tail between his legs, like a dog who just got caught scooting his butt across a recently shampooed white carpet, seconds after pooping outside.

sad puppy

But, of course, our Machiavellian antihero still has one more card up his sleeve to play. “By the way, your uncle on your mom’s side (may she rest in peace) has an army that’s recently combined with mine / that Pee Wee Herman-looking kid’s. And both armies would be more loyal to you than your bastard half-brother . . . not that you care, or have any interest in becoming Future Queen of the World, or anything.”

littlefinger

See, that’s the thing about Littlefingers. They are excellent at planting even smaller seeds . . . that grow into massive weeds . . . which end up slowly but surely overtaking and destroying your entire garden . . .

Game of Boners

faces temple

Meanwhile, over at Burgerless White Castle, that Nasty Ginger Chick is still beating the crap out of Arya, like the one-trick pony she clearly is. “You are never going to be one of us,” taunts The Evil Ginger.

“Why the heck would I want to be you? You spend your life washing naked dead people, and punching the blind, at a glorified fast food joint that doesn’t even serve the burgers with holes in them for which it became vaguely famous. #lifeambitionletdown” Arya retorts, or at least she would if she were me, instead of Nobody, which is not to say that I’m not also a nobody, but she’s a nobodier-Nobody and . . . OH NEVER MIND!

beat up by ging

Anyway, Jagen pops by to tell Arya that she’s been so very good at being a blind girl and taking regular beatings that she’s earned the right to try and kill yet another completely innocent person. Hooray!

Arya’s target is conveniently the star of a porno version of Season 1 of Game of Thrones. (She plays the character of Cersei Lickmypenister.)

actress to die 2

We know that this is the porno version, because the acting and special effects are really bad, Sansa’s boobs make an appearance, and, after its all over, the Joffrey character gives us a six-second close up of his genital warts for no good reason, whatsoever.

head choppy

sad arya

Poor Arya. It’s super hard and traumatizing for her to watch someone play her dad in a porno. Fortunately, his character gets his head chopped off, before she has to watch him get laid . . . the top head . . . not the bottom one. Then, Arya learns that the lady she’s supposed to kill enjoys drinking rum. And, obviously, all rum drinkers deserve instant death by poisoning, so it’s all good. (Unless, of course, it’s Malibu Rum, because that’s my favorite.)

actress to die

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Them Into Evil Ice People Who Will Bring About the Apocalypse

chidlren

Once upon a time there were these tree people, who lived in the forest, and were super happy, because they didn’t have to wear clothes, or get jobs, or do any other sucky stuff like that. Then Mankind came. And Mankind was super douchey, chopping down trees, littering, making all the tree people register for Obamacare . . .

So, the tree people did what any environmental extremist hippies would do in such an untenable situation. They turned Mankind into an army of world-ending White Walkers, by shoving dragon glass in their chests. (Hey, if you had to walk around with a piece of dragon glass in your chest, you’d be pretty grumpy too!)

icky the blue

reaction shot

Think about that the next time you think about not recycling your cans and bottles, and only using one side of your printer paper, MANKIND!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!

Kingsmoot: It’s Just Like the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election . . . But With More Toilet Bowl Swirlies

taking on the world

You know, after watching this episode of GOT, I think the U.S. political system has got things all wrong. All these primaries and caucuses, debates, and fund raising events. It’s all so time consuming!

I say, we just throw it all out the window, and have a Kingsmoot! Think about it. Hillary and Trump could just stand around outside, and tell everyone why we should vote for them. Then, after its all over, we could all go shove Trump’s head in a toilet bowl and give him a swirly (which, by the way, would be a massive improvement over his current hairstyle). Now, that’s what I call democracy!

So, yeah, long story short, no one really wants to be the King of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place (probably because its super humid and perpetually raining) except for two people: Yara Greyjoy and That Dude Who Killed Papa Greyjoy on the Bridge Last Week. (Note: That guy’s name is Euron, which you would think would be pronounced like “urine,” but, unfortunately, it isn’t.)

Euron_Greyjoy_Promo

Some people think that Theon should apply to be king of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, instead of Yara because he has a pen . . . umm, well, because he’s a boy. But Theon’s all, “You know, spending two seasons covered in feces and being referred to as Reek really puts a damper on your political aspirations. I’m going to let my sister Yara take this one.”

i am theon rightful ruler

Yara seems relieved and pleasantly surprised that having his weiner cut off and being made to wear excrement as a t-shirt for a couple years has actually made her brother a nicer person! Inspired, she gives a nice why I should be QUEEN of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, and earns a lot of goodwill from the crowd.

Then, that Urine Guy comes, makes a lot of penis jokes about Theon, brags about possible future sexcapades with Dany Targaryen, and promises to jail every woman who has an abortion / build a wall to keep out all minorities . . . wait . . . wrong election. Sorry!

So, of course, Urine Guy wins, because Mankind is awful! (Just ask the tree people from a few scenes back!)

To celebrate this victory, Super Humid and Perpetually Raining place has this tradition of dunking the winner’s head in the sea (because there were no toilet bowls in the middle ages, and that’s where everyone peed and pooed?) and holding it there until he loses consciousness. If the victor doesn’t die from this, he gets to be king. If he does die, oops!

Unfortunately, Urine lives. The good news though is that, while Urine’s face is swimming in the toilet bowl, Yara and Theon make off with all his best ships. Take that, New King Urine!

theon-greyjoy-game-of-thronesjpg-32c8f5_1280w

Love Means Never Having to Say: “My Arm is a Zombie and I Have Cooties For Life.”

dany and daario

Meanwhile over in Dany land, She of the Boobies Impervious to Fire is wondering out loud why kicked puppy Jorah keeps coming back to her for more abuse and increasingly painful cases of blue balls.

ouat 4.1 blue balls

“The bad news is that my arm is a zombie, and eventually I will turn into one too because I have the incredibly not creatively named, Greyscale disease,” Jorah explains. “The good news is now I can tell myself that the reason you are not sleeping with me is that you don’t want to become a zombie, and not because you find my dad bod, balding head, and withered pre-Viagra weiner a turn off. P.S. I love you, XOXO.”

banished twice always love you to serve you

“I command you to find a cure for the incredibly not creatively named STD you have and come back to me,” proclaims Dany.

“Really? You want me back, because you are secretly in love with me too? That’s awesome,” exclaims Jorah, as he skips off into the sunset like a giddy school girl.

“You know he’s never coming back alive, right?” Daario whispers in Dany’s ear shortly thereafter.

“Obviously,” responds Dany.

“Feel like boning right now?” Daario adds.

“I thought you’d never ask!”

rides away

In other weiner news . . .

In Which Not-Melissandre Reminisces with Varys About That Time He Got His Weiner Wacked (Worst Spring Break Ever!)

new red queen

Back in Mereen, Tyrion decides he needs to make the good folks living there who aren’t terrorists love Dany, despite the fact that she recently rode off on a dragon and left them all to die. To do this, Tyrion wants to hire Melissandre, but the GOT budget for this episode was too bloated with White Walker and Zombie fight scenes to pay the actress’ salary, so we end up with another red priestess named Not-Melissandre.

Not-Melissandre agrees to spread the word around town that Dany’s the sh*t, and Tyrion is thrilled. But Varys doesn’t trust her. “So, you think Dany is the chosen one now, huh?” Varys challenges. “Remember last season when you thought Stannis was the chosen one, and you birthed shadow babies out of your hoo-hah to murder his brother, burnt his daughter to a crisp, did some weird things with beetles, and then Stannis ended up dying anyway? What was up with that?”

stanny

“Melissandre did all those things. I’m Not-Melissandre. There’s a big difference,” explains Not-Melissandre matter-of-factly.

“No difference,” responds Varys, unimpressed. “All you women who wear red dresses on this show are exactly the same!”

“Oh really,” argues Not-Melissandre. “Did all women in red dresses ghost stalk you while you were getting your weiner chopped off and give you words of encouragement while it was happening, because this woman in a red dress did?”

mad var

“Wow, if I still had a weiner, I’d be totally turned on by how hard you are hitting on me right now,” admits Varys. “But I don’t, so I’m just really freaked out.”

Why DVR Warging Without Your GOT Watch Buddy Makes You a Bad Friend . . . And Could Possibly Bring About The End of The World.

warg

So, you know how you have these certain friends or significant others with whom you just have to watch certain shows? And if one of you can’t watch the show at a certain date or time, its an unspoken rule that the other Show Buddy has to wait to watch it as well?

Well, apparently, nobody told Bran this. Because he totally, turned on the Warg DVR to watch GOT: The Flashback Years, while Old Man in the Tree was indisposed. (I think he might have been in the bathroom at the time.)

Bran tunes into this episode of GOT just as the Night King is raising his zombie army. And then, the “Smartest Stark” proceeds to just stand there next to this Really Scary Super Dangerous Guy like a doofus, until the Nights King grabs Bran’s hand, as if the two of them are boyfriend / girlfriend.

white walker meet up

 

Bran is lucky this isn’t a horror movie. Because, if it was, this ding dong wouldn’t even make it past the opening credits. And the fact that he is DVR-Warging is no excuse. Even in our nightmares, we all know to run away from the axe murderer, the scary monster, and the evil lunch lady from first-grade who was so awful that she single-handedly ensured that you would never buy school lunch for the remainder of your public school career . . .

When Bran wakes up, he learns that during the DVR-Warging session, the Nights King has put some GPS tracking device on the kids arm, and now, basically, he and all his friends are doomed.

he knows touched you

must leave

“You have to leave this place now,” exclaims Old Man in a Tree.

So, Bran does what any rational boy would do in such a life-threatening situation. He takes another nap . . .

In Which Jon Snow Gets a New Jacket

sansa and brienne

Back at the Wall, Sansa and Jon are talking about which families will join them in battling that Asshat Ramsey Bolton. “Ooh, I know, I know!” Sansa exclaims excitedly. “We can get the Tully Family army! Brienne can go and win them over on my . . . I mean OUR . . . behalf.”

“Did Littlefinger tell you to say that?” Jon wonders suspiciously.

“No,” fibs Sansa uncomfortably. “I just knew, OK.”

pinocchio-970x545

“Then, why do I hear him offstage laughing maniacally like the Joker from Batman?”

littlefinger

“That’s the sound of my stomach growling . . .” Sansa covers. “Indigestion from all this hearty Wall food.”

Later Brienne wonders whether Sansa will be safe on her own with Jon Snow and all his emo broody, recently back from the dead and suffering an existential crisis-ness. “I’ll be fine. Jon Snow’s my bro,” Sansa insists. “It’s not like we are both fighting to sit on the same Iron Throne or anything. Littlefinger, stop laughing maniacally. Everyone can hear you, and it’s totally blowing my cover!”

Just to show that there are no hard feelings, Sansa makes Jon a coat just like the one her dad was wearing the day that he got his head chopped off. Um, thanks?

made for you

gives cloak

thanks

Why It’s GOT’s Fault That, If You Are Ever Walking Behind Me Into a Building, I Probably Won’t Hold The Door Anymore

hold the door

Meanwhile, back at the Tree on the Edge of the Apocalypse, Binge Watching Bran can’t resist watching another episode of GOT: The Flashback Years, while everyone else around him is rushing to save his ungrateful life. So, of course, we assume he’s going to choose the Tower of Joy episode that the rest of us want to watch, so we can finally figure out if Jon Snow is the love child of Rhaegan Targaryen and Lyanna Stark as many have suspected, right?

tower of joyless

Nope, he chooses the same damn episode with his dad as a little kid that we’ve already seen before. Selfish brat!

At this point, the White Walkers and their zombie army have already penetrated the tree. So, now, Meera is stuck dragging dead-weight Bran to safety, while everyone else is forced to commit suicide to save that little sh*t’s life. Forest lady gives up her life first. Then comes Old Man in the Tree, because, after your TV Watch Buddy has betrayed you, there really is no reason to go on living. Next up is Summer the Direwolf, because the writers of this show apparently HATE adorable animals with a passion, but love lazy couch potatoes like Bran.

summer working it

Seriously, STOP KILLING THE CUTE DIREWOLVES, SHOW WRITERS! It’s emotionally manipulative, mean-spirited, and never actually advances the plot. Just saying . . .

Because, all these characters have willingly offed themselves to save Bran, Meera is able to succeed in dragging him out of the tree. But he won’t be safe unless large, loyal to a fault, Hodor can bar the zombies and walkers from escaping the tree until Meera and Bran are out of sight. “Hold the door,” Meera exclaims, over and over again.

So Hodor’s giant body fights to protect dumbass Bran, by blocking the door to the tree house while being ripped apart by zombies.

Back in DVR-Warg world, reality has once again intruded upon Bran’s flashback fantasies. This time its young Hodor whose impacted, and forced to relive the zombie demise he’s doomed to inevitably experience years later. Instantly young Hodor collapses to the floor and begins seizing, “Hold the door. Hold the door. Hold the door,” he repeats frantically over and over again, until the three words merge into one and become . . . you guessed it, Hodor.

hold the door 2

And that’s it. That’s Hodor’s origin story . . . how the last words he’d ever utter in life, became the only words he’d say forever more . . . and all because Bran’s a schmuck.

R.I.P. Hodor, you were the strong and silent type. Plus, you had really great manners. In other words, you were my ideal man.

Also, R.I.P. Summer. You shouldn’t have died, but since you did, you should know that:

All_dogs_go_to_heaven_two_poster

Until next time, Westeros!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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Game of Thrones: The Importance of Good Jewelry (Game of Thrones Season 6 Premiere Recap)

got header

GOT’s sixth season premiere offered a little something for everyone: long awaited reunions, kick ass females, gory murder sequences, quotable one-liners, adorable dire wolfs, more grist for the Jon Snow: Dead or Alive Speculation Mill, and naked old people. Because some folks are just really into naked old people . . .

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[Special thanks to my talented pal Andre for all the gorgeous screencaps found here. Anything you like about this recap is his. Anything you hate about this recap is all me!]

Wanted: Deadish or Alivish

dragon blood

Close up on Jon Snow, looking a little bit dead. Then again, he’s been lying on the ground and bleeding for an entire year, and hasn’t decayed one bit. Plus his hair is still perfection. So, at least there’s that . . .

The wailing mournful howls of Jon’s faithful direwolf, Ghost, cause Davos to come and investigate . . . even though the presumably recent sounds of about twenty some-odd people stabbing Jon Snow, while loudly and repeatedly chanting “For the Watch,” aroused no suspicion in him, (or anyone else for that matter) whatsoever.

wake up buddy

Davos, who has become a GOT nerdy fanboy just like the rest of us, takes some time to study the ink blot pattern made by Jon Snow’s blood for clues as to whether he might still be alive. What say you GOT fans? Does it look like a dragon? Angel Wings? Donald Trump’s Wig?

ink blot test

Maybe it just looks like globs of blood. And we are all pretty gross for taking so much time studying it.

Davos and Jon’s loyal friend, Edd Tollett, carry Snow’s corpse-maybe? indoors, where they encounter Melisandre, who seems surprisingly at a loss regarding how to proceed, which is weird because she’s generally “All about the Corpses” in the same way that Meghan Trainor is “All about that Bass”

Edd, to his credit, is at no such loss. He wants to kill everybody in the Knight’s Watch for what they did to his pal, Jon Snow, and Direwolf Ghost totally agrees.

edd

hes mad as hell

At the next Knight’s Watch meeting, Thorne admits immediately to killing Jon, but tries to convince all his pals that this is a good thing. For one thing, Jon was friends with the Wildlings, and everyone knows that the Wildings have cooties. More importantly, now that Jon’s gone, the Superlative for Best Hair Among Members of the Knight’s Watch is totally up for grabs.

index

But it’s not going to be you, Thorne. Because your hair is total crap.

Later, Thorne offers an olive branch to Davos and Edd, who have taken to locking themself in a room with Jon Snow’s slightly less than alive body. If they surrender, Thorne will let Davos go home. He’ll even give him a doggie bag filled with lambchop as a parting gift. Davos is tempted by the doggie bag offer, but isn’t nearly dumb enough to think Thorne is actually going to let him leave this party alive.

lambchop

Nobody gets between Davos and his Lambchop

Davos then decides to ask Melisandre for help, because anybody who can pull an evil shadow baby out of her nether regions must be good for something other than burning beetles, and constantly finding excuses to be naked on screen.

In which Sansa Finally Catches a Break

fealty to sansa

Back at Winterfell, Ramsey has a case of the sads, because his psycho lady friend, Myranda (lots of ladies with M names on this show) is dead. He’s also sad, because he lost Sansa and Theon, and now has nobody left at home to rape and torture, except for himself. And self-mutilation isn’t nearly as fun as mutilation of others! Ramsey’s father, Roose, gently reminds him that, without Sansa and Theon, Ramsey has no legitimate claim to the land on which they are currently living, which, honestly, has never stopped Ramsey or anyone else on this show before, so why start following the rules now?

Meanwhile, Sansa and Theon are having a little snow romp, while trying to avoid Ramsey’s men, who are currently in hot pursuit of them. They cross frozen rivers, scramble through trees, and hide in bushes, seeking comfort and some brief respite (platonic, of course) in one another’s arms, just seconds before they are discovered. Theon tries to sacrifice himself on Sansa’s behalf, but it isn’t long before Ramsey’s men find Sansa too.

hugging

Fortunately, Brienne and Podrick arrive to rescue Sansa and The Artist Formerly Known as Theon-Reek-Theon Again. Brienne pretty much wipes the floor with Ramsey’s red shirt army, which isn’t surprising. But Podrick and Theon each manage to get a couple of kills in too, which is a joy to watch.

better pod

Our little Pod is all grown up!

Once all the bad guys are dead, Brienne once again swears her fealty to Sansa and offers to be her knight. This time, Sansa accepts. It’s a touching and happy moment for all around . . . at least as happy as a moment can be, when its surrounded by dead bodies, in the freezing cold, and the whole rest of the world wants all of these folks dead . . .

arise

happy brienne

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t Us!

fuck them

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Cersei is thrilled to hear that a boat from Dorne has arrived on her shores. Her hair has grown back into a pixie cut, since the whole Slut Shaming Incident of Season 5, and the look actually kind of works for her.

excited cer

Cersei expects to be reunited with her daughter, and is understandably devastated, when her brother / lover / father of Myrcella / former incest buddy Jamie, tells her that his daughter / niece met her untimely demise at the hands of Ellaria Sand. Cersei than waxes poetic about what her beautiful teen daughter’s body will look like as she decays, which would be surprising and disturbing commentary coming from anybody but the woman who porked her brother, right on top of her young son’s bloated and gross dead body.

dead joff

Cersei is particularly distraught over Myrcella’s death, because the latter was genuinely a nice person, not a little sh*t like Joffrey, or, lets be honest, most of the members of Cersei’s family, herself included.

nothing like me she was good

Fortunately, Jamie is on hand to act as Cersei’s favorite cheerleader.

“Fuck prophecy, fuck fate, fuck everyone who isn’t us!” He exclaims triumphantly!

Best Team Lannister cheer ever, Jamie! How long, you think, before they start printing those lines on a t-shirt?

Dammit, how come you always get to be the one to impale pretty boys in the face!

bummed

Ellaria and the Sand Snakes continue to be kind of The Worst on this show. But they get a wee bit of a pass from me, because they are attempting to avenge the death of Oberyn. And Oberyn was pretty much the best!

hot ob

Just as Prince Doran of Dorne gets news that Ellaria has poisoned Myrcella, Ellaria proceeds to easily and gorily murder him and his men, while her Sand Snakes take care of lover boy Trystane, using the oldest trick in the Gory Surprise Impalement book.

dead as a dorn

“Which of us do you want to kill you?” One of the Sand Snakes asks. (I still haven’t taken the time to learn their names or their only vaguely distinguishable personalities.)

Trystane chooses the one who is looking directly at him, dumbly turning his back on the other one,thus giving her ample opportunity to impale him in his pretty boy face. It’s a rather inventive, well-executed kill, if a bit too easily earned. Mind you, it’s not quite as cool as the Oberon Face Smash, but I’d easily put it in the top twenty of GOT murders.

ready to kill

Oberyndeath

The other Sand Snake who didn’t get to murder Trystane whines to her sister about it, calling her a greedy b*tch, dialogue that harkens back more to the 2004 film Mean Girls than the middle ages period during which GOT supposedly takes place.

can't sit with us

But we will let that slide, just this once, because we liked the whole Hook in the Face thing.

Margaery is still in religious nutbar jail . . . but her hair looks fabulous

marg

Do you think Margaery and Jon Snow go to the same Westeros Salon? When we last left Margaery, she was in religious nutbar jail with the Septa lady, who keeps telling her to “Confess, confess” and not much else, because, apparently, “Confess is the New Hodor.”

As we begin Season 6, Margaery’s situation hasn’t improved, but her hair has this nice wind-swept wave thing going on about it that is actually kind of stylish.

I wish the same could be said for her brother, Loras’ hair, as he is also, presumably, still incarcerated, though we don’t get to see him this week. That fro? Under the humid murky conditions of a Religious Nutbar Jail Cell? Forget about Surprise Face Impalings! THAT would be the most horrific aspect of this week’s episode, had the writers decided to include it, mark my words!

loras hair

Blind Arya is Still Blind

blind arya

When we last left Arya Stark, she was busy being punished in Burger-less White Castle by Jagen H’ghar for murdering someone on HER List of People to Kill, instead of HIS List of People to Kill. Jagen felt like Arya’s inability to restrain herself from killing people on her list made her less of the Nobody she should supposedly aspire to be. So, Jagen did what any irate boss would do in that situation, he made Arya blind, and then had his ginger minion go into town to beat her up on a daily basis.

beat the blind

I sure hope Burgerless-White Castle has a good healthcare and pension plan, because, otherwise, it seems like a pretty crap job to me.

Where in the World is Dany Targaryen?

find earring

 

When we last left Mereen, the Sons of the Harpy had just tried to murder Dany and all her friends, so Dany flew away on Drogon the Dragon, only to be discovered later and captured by a Dothraki Horde. As for Dany’s “friends,” Jorah, Daario, Varys and Tyrion, well,they were pretty much left in Mereen to die, despite the fact that they all could have comfortably fit on Dany’s dragon with her. How rude!

how rude

Now, Tyrion and Varys are snarkily flirting with one another, as they observe the wreckage that is Mereen. Then, they learn that someone set fire to all the ships there, which means means they won’t be leaving anytime soon. (Insert sad violins here).

burnt boat

Meanwhile, madcap buddy cop duo, Jorah and Daario, comb the countryside for their mutual ladylove, Dany, who abandoned both of their asses, without so much as a backward glance. Did I mention that Jorah has contacted greyscale, which is basically a GOT version of zombie disease (not the White Walker type zombie, more like The Walking Dead type zombie, there’s a difference)? This means there is a good chance that Jorah will eventually EAT sexy Daario, before the pair are reunited with their shared ladylove?

Now, that would be sexy . . .

daario

I could eat that, and I’m not even a zombie. . .

Anywhoo, Daario and Jorah catch a break, when they conveniently find one of Dany’s earrings, just as they hear the sounds of an approaching Dothraki horde and conclude that Dany is with them.

You could say that Daario and Jorah are pretty lucky during this episode . . . like . . . go out and buy a few Mega Millions lottery tickets lucky . . . well, except for the whole “Having Zombie Disease” / “In Grave Danger of Being Eaten by Someone with Zombie Disease” thing . . .

In which everyone takes turns sexually harassing the Mother of Dragons

blue eyed women

Speaking of Dany, she patiently bides her time, while the men folk of the Dothraki hoard proceed to shamelessly sexually harass her with all the skill and finesse of modern day construction workers. (They even go as far as to slap her with a “wonder if the carpets match the drapes” line, thus proving that men never change, or get more creative, when it comes to hitting on women . . . ever). Dany, who, as we well know, speaks fluent Dothraki, having been a leader of the Dothraki, not so long ago, endures all of this stoically, and is forced to endure even more, when the lady folk of the tribe start aggressively slut shaming her out of jealousy, just because she has the audacity to have blue eyes and be hot at the same time.

Dany-heart

“I eat dum-dums like you for breakfast . . . literally.”

New-Khal Drogo insists that he will get the privilege of “lying” with Dany that night, which, I guess, is supposed to be a euphemism for sex, but speaks very poorly of New-Khal Drogo’s prowess in the bedroom. It is at this point in the conversation that Dany whips out her many titles (Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Queen of Mereen blah, blah, blah) in hopes that one of them will get her out of having sub-par sex with New-Khal Drogo. But New-Khal Drogo is unimpressed. “You are Queen of Nothing,” he says smartly, which is kind of the “I know you are, but what am I” retort of the Dothraki world.

shes cool

So, Dany is forced to name drop, revealing herself as the widow of THE Khal Drogo. “Oh . . . crap . . . well I can’t pork you now,” says New-Khal Drogo. “That’s the good news, because I’m crap in the sack. The bad news is now you have to spend all eternity with the bitchy widows of dead Khals, who can never get laid again ever, because sexism.”

Ouch, can we go back to being sexually harassed in Dothraki now? I think that was the better option, don’t you?

Why you should always wear your best jewelry to bed . . .

disrobing

Back at Castle Black, Melissandre is getting naked for the camera again, because it has been prophesized that a GOT episode in which Melissandre is featured, but always remains fully clothed for the entire hour, will bring about the Apocalypse. (She does it for you, Earthlings! Be grateful!) But there is something different about her. She seems more vulnerable somehow, tired, sad, a little saggy even?

Then, Melissandre removes her red necklace and this happens . . .

oh no lady

surprised monkey

scared baby gif

I smell a spinoff! (I’m also never taking off my jewelry again . . . EVER!) Until next time, GOT fans!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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