Well, summer’s definitely here, folks! It’s almost 90 degrees outside, where I’m from. And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty hot and bothered. So I figured, what better way to beat the heat OUTSIDE, than to steam things up INSIDE, where at least an air conditioner, and a few systematically placed ice cubes, can cool you off?
A few days ago, my blogging buddy, Amy, over at Imaginary Men, hosted something she lovingly referred to as the TV Boyfriend Olympics. During said “Olympics,” Amy and a “distinguished panel of judges” voted on the best television scenes, featuring the TV stars we LOVED to watch get together and almost get together. The sheer awesomeness of her post, and the undeniable guilty pleasure I had “judging” the scenes, gave me an idea . . .
So, this morning, while many of you were probably out on the beach, working on your tans, I was INSIDE, culling through hours of hot television sex scenes, in search of the most notable ones. (Or rather, the most notable that DIDN’T require me to register with YouTube as someone who likes “dirty” videos. I’m pretty sure YouTube sends THAT registry list to the government . . .) It was a tough job, but someone had to do it . . .
So, without further adieu, here are my picks for the first annual TV Sex-y Awards.
The “Most Bizarre Place to Get Lucky” Award goes to . . . (drumroll please)
KATE AND SAWYER on LOST for “Bear Cage Sex.”
Don’t you hate it when you are trapped on on an island you THINK is deserted, but it actually ends up being filled with a weird group of Others who throw you in a cage, and force you to eat nothing but massive looking dog food crackers shaped like fish? Kate and Sawyer actually don’t seem to hate it all that much . . . In a few moments, you will understand why.
Honestly? I don’t understand how these two DIDN’T end up together, at the end of the series. Can you imagine JACK SHEPARD doing it in cage? He’d probably be too concerned with how many bacterial infections you could get from those steel bars, to really get in the mood.
“When is the last time you think they windexed those? That dude with the beard just didn’t look very clean. Maybe they’d be willing to give us some paper towels to put down first . . .”
The “Best Use of Camera Effects to Simulate Sex, Without Upsetting the Censors” Award goes to . . .
CHUCK and BLAIR on GOSSIP GIRL for “Limo Sex”
I remember literally drooling the first time I watched this scene, which took place during Season 1 of Gossip Girl. In it, Chuck takes a highly vulnerable Blair to a Gentleman’s Club he wishes to purchase. Once there, the typically buttoned-up and straight-laced, Blair surprises him, by getting up on stage and performing a tasteful, but highly provocative, strip tease. During the limo ride home, the pair do it for the first time.
Upon watching the scene again, I was surprised by how little the producers actually showed, sex-wise. In fact, when compared to many of the others scenes shown here, this one was surprisingly tame. And yet, something about the scene made it seem deliciously X-rated. I’m thinking it was the jump cuts and old-school video effects that caused us fans to imagine a raunchiness that wasn’t necessarily there. Watch and you’ll see what I mean . . .
The “Best First Time” Award goes to . . .
PACEY and JOEYon DAWSON’S CREEK for “High School Ski Trip Sex”
I’m pretty sure the scene I’m about to show you RUINED virginity loss for young women everywhere. Most first sexual encounters are awkward, painful and uncomfortable. Joey’s and Pacey’s was PURE PERFECTION.
After watching an entire season of longing looks and “Will they? Won’t they?” Followed by ANOTHER season of coupledom that was frequently marred by petty fights and the annoying romantic advances of boring hangers on (cough, cough Dawson cough), it was REALLY nice to see Joey and Pacey finally able to get some unadulterated loving. And as for Joey’s pre-sex speech? Well, foreplay just doesn’t get much better than that!
The “Most Realistic First Time” Award goes to . . .
SETH and SUMMER on THE O.C. for “Not-So-Hot at Having Sex”
He was desperately in love with her since the sixth grade. She . . . thought he was a major loser . . . But then, he seemingly moved on. And the thought of Seth dating another girl stirred up feelings in Summer that she didn’t know she had. Remember how I said earlier that most “first times” are awkward, painful, and uncomfortable? So was their’s . . .
The “Most Uncomfortable to Watch Sex Scene” Award goes to . . .
MEREDITH and GEORGE on GREY’S ANATOMY in “There’s No Crying in Sex!”
Speaking of awkward . . . how would you like it if you finally got the chance to do it with the girl or guy of your dreams? But then, the mere thought of consummating a relationship with you made the object of your desire burst into tears . . . and not tears of joy, either . . .
Note: Asking someone if they are “almost done,” during sexual activity? NOT A TURN ON!
The “Dirtiest (and not in a good way) Sex” Award goes to . . .
VAMPIRE BILL and SOOKIE on TRUE BLOOD in “Doing It with the Dead Sex”
Remember how I told you Dr. Jack Shepard from Lost would be too finicky to engage in Bear Cage Sex with Kate? Well, you could just imagine how he’d feel, when faced with the prospect of banging a naked corpse in a cemetery, especially when said corpse had just spent the last several hours buried in the dirt. In this next scene, Sookie, believing her beloved Vampire Bill to have died permanently in a fire, heads to his gravesite to pay her last respects. It is there that she has a rather “unexpected” encounter . . .
The “Undead Dudes Make the Best Lovers” Award goes to . . .
ELENA and STEFAN on THE VAMPIRE DIARIES in “I Love You, Even if You Are Old and Fangy, Sex”
My squeamish thoughts regarding the last video might give you the mistaken impression that I think sex with vampires is gross and wrong. TOTALLY UNTRUE! Sex with vampires can be unbelievably hot, particularly when the vampire in question has Hypnotic Arms of Steel, like Stefan Salvatore. Watch and be entranced . . .
(This one is un-embedded, unfortunately. Just click the internal link to see it.)
The “So Hot, We Wish it Wasn’t Incest” Award goes to . . .
BOONE and SHANNON on LOST in “Step-Sibling Sex”
You know who else plays a vampire on The Vampire Diaries? THIS GUY . . .
Unfortunately, the sex scenes he’s been in on that show, so far, have almost universally involved, compulsion, violence, and girls that were NOT Elena. But to hold a a TV Sex-y Award “show” and NOT include the Sex Master himself, Ian Somerhalder, would be pure sacrilege. So, I figured, the least I could do was show a scene where he got it on with his sister. Just TRY not to be aroused by this one . . . I DARE YOU!
The “Sex Scene That Made Me Hungry” Award goes to . . .
SERENA and NATE on GOSSIP GIRL in “Do You Really Expect Me To Put That in My Mouth? Sex”
“I can’t believe I ate the WHOLE thing!”
You see, to me, food and sex DON’T mix. In fact, food is what you abstain from a few hours BEFORE sex, to avoid unfortunate incidents and “Pudgy Tummy.” But, then again, I’m not Serena and Nate. Is it wrong that, when I was watching this scene, I was paying more attention to the waffles and strawberries the couple was eating, than I was to the couple themselves? Because, let me tell you, those were some JUICY strawberries . . .
(Yet another poopy non-embedder. Click that link! You won’t regret it!)
And, finally, The “Best Post-Coital Conversation” Award goes to . . .
LOGAN and VERONICA on VERONICA MARS in “We Just Did It. Now Let’s Chat About Hookers Sex”
It’s fitting that the last award of the day would go to an “After Sex” scene. And if any couple deserves a moment to lie together peacefully and spoon, its Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls. Fans of Veronica Mars know that this couple’s “epic” relationship was most certainly never dull. When these two weren’t bashing in the headlights on one another’s cars, getting eachother suspended for drug use on school grounds, protecting eachother from mobsters, rapists and serial killers, breaking eachother out of jail, and testifying in court against people who killed their friends, Veronica and Logan were just an ordinary couple looking for some “alone time.”
Unfortunately, the show was only three seasons long. And Veronica and Logan were “coupled” for less than half of it. This didn’t leave much time for these two to do those “normal things” that most couples do. That’s what makes the quiet and contemplative moment that the pair shares in this scene so special . . .
Well, there you have it folks. This year’s First Annual TV Sex-y Awards has officially came and went. I think I’m going to take a cold shower now . . .