True Blood Season 4 – Spoilers, Speculation, Screencaps, Shirtlessness, and SERIC!

Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s about that time again!  Summer is almost here!  You know how I can tell it’s almost summer time?  By looking at a calendar, DUH!    Because all the stars on my television screen have suspiciously stopped wearing clothing . . .

SOOKIE:  “You know, it’s really rude to walk around looking all perfect, like that.  All you are doing is making me want to jump your bones the boys with normal-looking bodies feel bad!”

But summer time isn’t just about walking around naked.  (Well . . . it’s MOSTLY about walking around naked.)  It’s also about watching QUALITY summer programming (while naked . . . of course)!  You know, there was a time, not too long ago, when the phrase “Quality Summer Programming” was an oxymoron.  But, thanks in a large part to cable channels like HBO, AMC, Showtime, and . . . yes . . .even ABC Family, serious Summer TV isn’t so oxymoronic ANYMORE! 

Lafayette is very pleased with the new and improved state of summer television.

Perhaps, there is no better example of that than True Blood.  Produced by acclaimed showrunner Alan Ball, and based on the popular Southern Vampire Mysteries series penned by Charlaine Harris, this sublimely-successful television series is about to enter its fourth season.  And, if the collection of recently-released promos for the show are any indication, it’s going to be quite an AWESOME season, indeed.

Season of Seric, HERE WE COME!

The purpose of this post is to analyze and breakdown some of the promotional material HBO has released, during the past few weeks, regarding True Blood,  in hopes of getting a better idea of what to expect during the show’s upcoming season.  (Special thanks to my blogging pal / fellow TB fan / staunch Seric lover, Cherie, over at Spidey Sense, for coming up with the idea for this post.  So, if you don’t like it, BLAME HER!  Just kidding!)

I hope you guys are hungry!  Because we are about to BITE in to some SERIOUSLY juicy True Blood tidbits!

THE SOURCE

As most fans will tell you, each season of True Blood is, more or less, based on a book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries series.  Given that pattern, Season 4 should predominately follow the general plot outline of Book 4 in that series, which, appropriately, is entitled Dead to the World.  Without giving too much away . . . (SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT) . . . the main plotpoints of that book were as follows:

(1) The arrival of a nefarious witch coven, led by the super spooky Hallow, in Bon Temps, which led to a tentative alliance formed between the vampires and werewolves in the area to defeat that coven.

(2) Eric’s amnesia, as a result of a spell placed on him by the aforementioned coven, and how that amnesia affects his relationship with one Sookie Stackhouse.  (Hint: SHOWER SEX IS INVOLVED!)

and . . .

(3) Jason Stackhouse’s kidnapping by those wackadoo werepanthers from Crystal Norris’ trailer trash town of Hotshot.

THE NEWBIES

Since, True Blood is never shy about killing off a good portion of their cast each year, every new season of True Blood will inevitably bring along with it, the addition of some . . . for lack of a better term . . . fresh blood.  And Season 4 of True Blood will be no different.  Below is a quick look at the newbies scheduled to spend this summer in Bon Temps . . .

Fiona Shaw, as Marnie “Hallow” Stonebrook

Harry Potter fans will undoubtedly remember Fiona Shaw for her portrayal of Harry’s prickly Aunt Petunia.  But in TB world she is Marnie, an unassuming, not particularly talented, palm reader, who may or may not, as a result of a bewitching possession, end up being this season’s BIG BAD . . .

Alex Breckinridge, as Daisy

Joining Marnie’s coven will be a young witch named Daisy, who is shown in one of the trailers below (I think) getting all teary eyed in front of Vampire Bill.  Daisy will be played by Alexander Breckenridge.  Many of you might recognize Alex from her role as Willa in the FX series Dirt.  However, as a Dawson’s Creek fan, I will always remember Alex as The Girl Who Kissed Dawson Leery And Then Puked, in a Fabulous Season 3 episode (particularly if you were a Pacey and Joey fan) entitled “The Valentine’s Day Massacre.”

Courtney Ford, as Portia Bellefleur

As Andy Bellefleur’s younger sister, an attorney who briefly dated Bill Compton until [SPOILER ALERT: The two found out they were distantly related], Portia Bellefleur has always been a consistent, if not necessarily important, character in the Sookie Stackhouse book series.  However, judging by some of the hot and heavy scenes her character seems to be enjoying in the promos, with Stephen Moyer’s Vampire Bill, something tells me the character’s role in the television series is going to be a bit larger than originally anticipated.

Portia will be played by Courtney Ford, who Vampire Diaries fans might remember as the Girl Who Shot Damon in the Backside with an Arrow, resulting in THIS fun little image . . .

Janina Gavankar, as Luna

Speaking of Love Interests, Sam Merlotte hasn’t exactly had much luck in that department, during True Blood’s first two seasons.  However, that may change when school teacher / fellow shifter Luna (a werebat in the book series) flies into town.  Fans of the Showtime series The L Word might remember Gavankar (who will play Luna) as promiscous lesbian, Papi.  And we all know how much Sam loves his promiscuous women! 

Will there be some Hot Doggy Style Sex in Sam’s future?  Only time will tell!

Vedette Lim as Naomi

Press releases gave us very little in the way of intel on this new character, except to say that she’s a tough-as-nails cage fighter, who ends up getting hot and heavy with her female opponent.  And we all know how much True Blood adores its hard core violent sex scenes with homosexual undertones!  You GO, Naomi!

Speaking of homosexual undertones, guess who just got bumped up to series regular?

Jessica Tuck, as Nan Flanagan

This no-nonsense spokesperson of the American Vampire League was perhaps best known last season for (1) eating out a lady in the backseat of her limo; and (2) sending a SWAT team full of guys dressed like extras from The Matrix to swarm Fangtasia.  And now we will get to see a lot more of her, I guess.  Could she become a possible love interest for Vampire Pam?  It’s certainly possible!

Also returning to Bon Temps this season will be the following relative newcomers: Lauren Bowles, as witchy waitress, Holly Cleary . . .

 . . . Kevin Alejandro, as Lafayette’s voodoo loving beau, Jesus . . .

. . . and Allan Hyde, as the Vampire Who Just Doesn’t Seem to Die, No Matter How Many Times He “Meets the Sun,” Godric (then again, maybe this will just be another flashback . . .)

That’s right Godric, KEEP THAT SHIRT OFF, and you will fit in just fine here!

THE PROMOTIONAL ONE-SHOTS

Last year, in order to promote the show’s upcoming season, the producers of True Blood released a series of three-to-five minute long character-centric minisodes.  These short videos promised to tease what was in store for each of the series’ main characters, during the season.  Of course, in hindsight, while these videos were amusing (some, admittedly, more amusing than others), they actually ended up providing fans with very little, in terms of plot-line teasers. 

This year, as a part of its Waiting Sucks campaign, True Blood has once again decided to release a series of character-centric teaser videos.  Though significantly shorter in length than last year’s minisodes, these teasers are about ten times more informative than their predecessors.  Each of these 30-second shots (which feature a scene from the upcoming season, narrated by the script for that scene) contains suprisingly spoilery information about some of the season’s main plotpoints.

Let’s watch, and analyze, shall we?

(Special thanks to TrueBloodItalia, for providing these fabulous videos for our viewing pleasure.)

Bill and Eric – “New Coven in Town”

In Dead to the World, Eric’s amnesia is revealed within the first few pages of the story.  Apparently, True Blood has decided to start the season off a bit earlier in the timeline than that.  The above scene, I’m assuming, takes place fairly early on in Season 4, possibly in the first episode. 

In it, a clearly not-yet-amnesiac Eric, and Victim of a Ridiculously Bad Haircut Bill discuss the ramifications of a witch coven arriving in Bon Temps.  Never before have we seen Eric Northman this concerned about the arrival of another supernatural creature in his Area.  And, if the rest of the promotional videos are any indication, he is right to be worried . . .

Eric (and Sookie) – “Where am I? Who am I?  (and where are my clothes?)”

Knowing that Eric is meant to have amnesia in this scene, it is interesting to compare it to the one we just watched, above.  Alexander Skarsgard’s temperment has completely changed here.  Gone is the cocky confidence,dark sense of humor, all-knowing stare, and ferocious, “kill first, ask questions later” mentality that we have come to associate with the Sheriff of Area Five.  THIS Eric Northman looks more innocent, less sure of himself, more naive, and, dare I say it, MUCH younger than the one we’ve come to know and love, over the past three seasons of True Blood. 

In short, Mommy Likes this New Amnesia Eric . . . very much!

(Minor gripe:  In the book series, Sookie is driving home from work when she finds a NAKED Eric, running toward her home, clad in only his socks.  If you notice in this season, Eric is wearing . . . pants.   WHY, ALAN BALL, WHY?)

Pam, Tara, Lafayette, and Marnie – “Fix My Man”

This scene obviously takes place AFTER Pam has learned that Eric has amnesia.  She is clearly calling upon new witch Marnie to help her “FIX” her Maker, and return him to his former self.  The problem, of course, is that Marnie (or the thing possessing her) may have actually been the one to CAUSE the amnesia, in the first place.  And, therefore, asking HER for help, may not exactly be the wisest move Vampire Pam has ever made. 

The end of the scene, in which “Marnie” literally stops Pam in her tracks, and lets out an unearthly cackle, is particularly creepy.   Speaking of creepy . . .

Arlene, Terry, and the Demon Baby?

I’ll be perfectly honest.  Last season, I had absolutely NO interest in asshat Arlene, or her, “I may have been impregnated by my Dead Serial Killer Husband” storyline.  That being said, THIS PROMO genuinely gave me chills.  There is nothing I find more frightening then scary supernatural freaky kids.  I

 suspect that Arlene’s demon baby will join a long line of pre-pubescents that scare the stuffing out of me, including, but not limited to:  that chick from The Ring, the kids from The Grudge, all the Children of the Corn, those blonde tots from Village of the Damned, Rosemary’s Baby, the Omen kid, the kid from The Shining, Dakota Fanning’s character in Hide and Seek, and the list just goes on and on . .  .

You know who else is frightening me, lately?

Stepford Trash Wife Crystal and Bondage Jason

Oh, sweet, dumb, Jason!  I have a secret:  I never really liked your girlfriend!  To be honest, I just couldn’t figure out what it was exactly you saw in the plain-looking, not particularly charming, Crystal Norris. 

I suspect there was a part of you, who, after having countless girlfriends of yours DIE UNTIMELY DEATHS, wanted to date someone you could rescue, and actually keep alive, for a change.  Perhaps, Crystal, a werepanther, born and raised in an incestuous, crystal meth-producing, trailer park, seemed like just the girl you could save.

Except, now it looks like she’s tied you to a bed post, is rocking some REALLY unattractive curlers, and is getting all her werepanther friends to torture you and bite you, until you are “REBORN” as “ONE OF THEM.”  See,  Jason, you should have dated a TV Recapper, instead!  We are MUCH safer (and just a little bit less insane)!

Come on over to my place, Jason!  It’s not too late!

Speaking of Potentially Very Happy Couples . . .

Hoyt and Jessica – “I Pity the FOOL who messes with Hoyt’s girlfriend!”

Last season, Hoyt and Jessica experienced a happy reunion, after Hoyt finally forgave his girlfriend for trying to eat his mom.  But just because the pair are happy together, doesn’t mean everybody in Bon Temps is particularly happy for them!  Of course, this is far from the first time, Jessica has suffered the slings and arrows of vampiric racism at the hands of strangers.  However, this IS the first time that racism has been extended to include her human boyfriend, Hoyt. 

Under the circumstances, I’d say he handled it quite well, don’t you? 🙂  In other Relationship News . . .

Sam and Luna (Surprise!  She has a crazy, abusive ex!)

Awww, man!  Do we really have to suffer through another Crazy Ex Storyline, again?  No wonder Bon Temps is so incestuous!  There’s onlyabout five or six NORMAL/ non-psychotic people to date there!

TWO SEXY TRAILERS!

In addition to all the juiciness illustrated above, HBO has also released not one, but TWO, new trailers for the upcoming season.  Admittedly, one is less informative, but (decisively more NAKED) than the second.  The other, in my opinion, gives us a bit more to work with, in terms of plot details.  Ready to investigate?  Let’s start sleuthing . . .

Trailer Number One – So Much Shirtlessness, So Little Time

After I got over the giddy glee of realizing just how much HOT NAKED MALE SKIN was featured in this brief, 39-second trailer, I was shocked to realize just how LITTLE information this trailer provided, in terms of actual Season 4 plotpoints.  I mean, think about it, all we got in the first ten seconds was a series of Scared “Good Guy” Faces . . .

For starters, here is Running Scared (but Shirtless, YAY!) Jason Stackhouse . . .

I can’t really tell whether this shot comes BEFORE his werepanther kidnapping, or after.   On one hand, Jason definitely looks STRONGER and more able-bodied than he appears in later parts of the trailer, leading me to believe he HASN’T been “infected” yet. 

On the other hand, if you look closely, Jason definitely has a big bloody bite mark on his stomach, leading me to believe either (1) he has already been bitten once, but has not been captured yet; (2) his transformation is complete, and, now healing from his bites, he has finally managed to escape his captors.  Since, I doubt, True Blood would want to spoil Jason’s triumphant ESCAPE from Hotshot so early in the series, I’m going to put my money on the former . . .

Speaking of Scared Good Guys, here’s Sam Merlotte . . .

I’ll be the first to admit that this is a pretty useless screenshot.  I’m only including it because of the cheesy Halloween decoration hanging over Sam’s head.  Am I to assume that this season DOESN’T take place during the summer (as previous seasons have), but, rather, occcurs during the fall and winter months?  Or is Sam just EXTREMELY lazy about taking down his holiday decorations . . .

:11-13 of the trailer contrast the Scared “Good Guy” Faces we saw earlier, with some equally useless, and generic, Angry Vampire Faces.  We have a probably pre-amnesiac Eric, a 1920’s costumed Queen Sophie Ann, and a very bizarre looking, Billy Idol-esque Vampire Bill.

80’s flashback, I presume?

At the :15 mark, our patience is rewarded with a nice shot of a Fresh-Out-of the Shower Sookie being ogled by a very turned on (and, most likely pre-amesiac Eric).  “Is this another dream?”  Sookie wonders dazedly. 

No Sookie.  Eric’s desire to separate you from that pesky towel of yours, and have his way with you, right on your Grandma’s old couch, is very real . . .

 

“Yowsa!  Those are some huge melons you’ve got there!”

We follow this up with another five seconds of random, uninformative, Fangtasia shots, one of a Very Happy, Dancey, Vampire Jess . . .

 . . . another of a fierce Pam . . .

(I suspect both of these are from the same episode, as the one-shot featuring Pam and Jess, above.)

 . . . and a third of Shooty Tara . . .

“I am in a very bad mood.  (SURPRISE!)”

My FAVORITE scene in the trailer doesn’t arrive until the 20-second mark, in which we see a shirtless, post-amnesiac, Eric looking at Sookie intently, and moving in for a kiss, one she seems more than willing to accept!

SQUEE!  *Does Happy Dance*

At 21 seconds, Vampire Bill can be found threatening a woman, who I initially thought was Queen Sophie Ann.  However, on second viewing, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is Alex Breckenridge’s witch, Daisy.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what “Big Mistake” she is making, according to Vampire Bill.  (Perhaps, SHE’S the one that gave him that awful haircut!)

“What do you want from me?  I got my Beauty School Degree online!”

Things start to get intense at 22 seconds, when we see Pam toss a purple shirted SOMEONE into the same Vampire Dungeon she used to hold Lafayette captive, during Season 2 . . .

Who dat?

We are also treated to a shot of a clearly, worse for WERE (Get it?), infected, and mustachioed(?) Jason.  In the scene, he is wearing a very ugly flannel shirt (boo!), and, presumably, trying to escape captivity in Hotshot . . .

My second favorite trailer clip arrives at the 25-second mark, when Sookie tells her half-naked growling pal, Alcide, to “Stop making that NOISE!”

Making sex noises in public is SO inappropriate . . . even in a slutty town like Bon Temps

That exercise in awesomeness is followed up by a Party Crasher Pre-Amnesiac Eric, making a VERY grand entrance at a coven meeting, one which may or may not be taking place at Lafayette’s house.

“I have ARRIVED!  (Anyone have six hours to spare for the best sexual experience of your human existence?)”

Speaking of sex (aren’t I always?)  check out Tied to the Bedpost, Bondage Jason, screaming his head off at the 27-second mark  . . .

“Why do I feel like I’ve been in this situation before?”

“Ohhhh . . .”

And because no True Blood trailer is complete without some good old-fashioned necking . . .

Way to go, SAM!

Check that off your list!

Uh oh!  Cheesy Fake CGI Werepanther ALERT, at the 30-second mark!

 

I think I’ll name it Fluffy .  . . or maybe Oreo.

We end the trailer with three quick-fire images of people beating the crap out of other people.  There’s Queen Sophie beating up Vampire Bill, in his own house . . . at least, I think it’s his house . . .

We’ve got Hoyt beating up that racist outside Fangtasia (from the episode clip we watched earlier).  And, finally, there’s SOOKIE PUNCHING AMNESIA ERIC?

“Man!  Even the vampires end up in abusive relationships, on this show!”

“You’ll heal in five minutes.  You’re a vampire,” scolds Sookie boredly, when Eric questions her violent actions in the seconds moments of the trailer.  (Isn’t that what ALL the abusers say?)

Trailer Two – Witches versus Vamps (versus Weres?)

Though this second trailer is roughly the same length as the first, I found it to be a bit more telling, in terms of actual plot analysis.  Watch here, and see what I mean . . .

Right off the bat, we are treated to a shot of Sookie, nervously examining the rearview mirror in her car. 

At first, I assumed that THIS would be the scene where Sookie would find Amnesia Eric.  But then that THING attacked Sookie from the window of her car  . . .

(Why the heck does she drive with her window open?  Doesn’t she know where she LIVES, and what show she’s on?)

So, I figured out that I might be mistaken . . .

Given that the trailer opens with Sookie being, ONCE AGAIN, in danger, it is interesting that this scene is paired with Pam’s seemingly prophetic admonission that Sookie, “need[s] to be somebody’s . . . or [she] won’t BE.”

Woah, Pam!  Ease up on that red lipstick, next time.  Mmm Kay?

I also liked how Pam’s not-so-subtle suggestion that Sookie choose between her two vampire suitors, and choose FAST, is juxtaposed by images of BOTH suitors making a play for Sookie’s affections, in her home.  We’ve got Bill (zzzzzzzzz) . . .

“Miss Sookie, might I interest you in a rousing game of Chess?”

 . . . and then Eric (YAY!) . . .

“Miss Sookie, might I interest you in a rousing game of AMAZING SEX?”

During the trailer, when Sookie asked Eric what he wanted from her . . . and he looked deeply into her eyes and said, with all seriousness, “Everything,” I may or may not have melted into a little puddle in my chair . . .

We then get a generic image of Witchy Spell Stuff.  And, through this, we meet our new coven . . .

Notable members of this coven include, the soon-to-be-evil, Marnie . . .

 .  . . Holly . . .

 . . . Daisy (who we met talking to Bill in the other trailer), and, interestingly enough, Lafayette and Jesus . . .

“Et tu, Laf-e?”

I cringed a little bit at the hot, but, icky (because of what I know about their lineage) sex scene between Bill and Portia . . .  (I really don’t recall those two ever going that far with one another,  in the books.  But, hey!  That’s HBO, for you!)

“Well, I’d say it’s a really good thing vampires can’t procreate.  Wouldn’t you?  Otherwise, our baby would probably have three heads . . . or be like ARLENE’S”

We get a little humor (and some interesting spoilers), in the next few scenes.  During THEM, we learn that (1) the witch coven needs a dead body to complete one of its more complicated spells; and (2) witches have the power control vampires.

“Where the hell are we going to get a dead body?”  Lafayette inquires.

Given all that, Eric’s Party Crasher Scene from the first trailer, makes a whole lot more sense, in context, doesn’t it?

Like the above image, a lot of the ones that followed in this trailer, were ones we had already seen in the FIRST trailer.  That being said, I was intrigued by THIS image, of Tara going bat-sh*t on some Poor Unfortunate Soul . . .

Oh, Tara, who are you beating up THIS TIME?

Texting 911, as we speak . . .

. . . a second shot of the Billy Idol-like Flashback Vampire Bill . . .

. . . and an intriguing shot of Vampire Eric attacking Marnie.  (Could this be what prompted her to cast the spell on him?)

As with the first trailer, this one ends with a unique touch of Sookie’s Dry Meta Humor:  “Oh, GREAT!  Now, I have to deal with witches?”  She whines, as a decidedly naked (Alcide or Eric?) stands protectively behind her . . .

(My dear, naive, Sookie!  With an Amnesiac Eric Northman as your new vampire roommate, something tells me witches will be the least of your problems!)

And, there you have it, folks: a handful of new cast members, a slew of promotional one-shots, and two awesome trailers.  Not bad for a day’s blogging, right?

Thirsty for more?  Be sure to tune into HBO on June 26th at 9 p.m. for the season premiere of True Blood.  But, until then . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Vampire Diaries Has Found its Klaus – But Who the Heck is Joseph Morgan?

“You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa KLAUS is coming to TOWN!”

As most of you you undoubtedly already know, The Vampire Diaries is currently on yet another hiatus. 

 Source

In fact, the next new episode of this fang-tastic show is not set to air until April 7th!

Now, that doesn’t mean that the TVD fandom has gone silent!  NO WAY!  Us fangbangers still have PLENTY to talk about!  For starters, just this week, the CW released its Extended Trailer for the show’s upcoming episode, entitled, “Know thy Enemy.”  And it’s, for lack of a better word, a real SCREAM!

But if that trailer didn’t get your tongue wagging, this next piece of intel definitely will (assuming it hasn’t already).  After an entire season of speculation and rumors, producers of The Vampire Diaries have finally revealed the name of the actor selected to play the vampire, who will undoubtedly be the most terrifying villain Mystic Falls has ever seen.  After all, he’s the only vamp with the power to make Vampire Katherine cry . . .

Source

Of course, I am referring to Santa Klaus.   And he will be played by  . . . (drumroll please) . . . THIS GUY!

It’s Joseph Morgan!

“Yay!  Joseph Morgan!  That’s so . .  . wait . . . I don’t know who that is.”

One could argue that the role of Klaus will be the MOST important one TVD producers cast this year.  After all, much of the second half of this season has coped with the ominous Sun and Moon Curse, and, specifically, its implications for Elena Gilbert.  Because she has the dubious honor of being the Petrova Doppelganger, Elena needs to DIE, in order for this curse to be successfully broken.

“Oh HELL NO!”

As the OLDEST Original Vampire, one who is notoriously DEAD set on capturing Elena and breaking the Curse, Klaus has undoubtedly become Public Enemy Number One for the Salvatore Brothers and the Scooby Gang, as they fight to save Elena from an untimely death.  So, while the character has yet to make an appearance, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  

Some notable tidbits we’ve learned thus far about Klaus include: (1) He used to bone Katherine, on a fairly regular basis . . .

Who hasn’t?

(2) But, then, Klaus killed Katherine’s ENTIRE family.  This ultimately forced the vixen to become a vampire herself, so that SHE wouldn’t fall victim to the same Sacrifice, for which Elena is currently being hunted.

(3) Klaus’ fellow Original vampires think he’s a wackadoo, and will stop at nothing to make sure he meets his True Death . . .

(4) Klaus has kidnapped(?) the witchy daughter of the now very-dead Jonas.  And he is using her powers for his own personal gain.

(5) As an Original, Klaus can compel other vampires, walk in the sun without a sunscreen ring, and break walls of glass, just by playing with coins . . .

Because you never know when THAT little magic trick will come in handy . . .

(5) But Klaus is not invincible.  He can be killed by a special dagger dipped in white oak ash. 

(Just make sure you don’t “pull it out.”)

(6) Ironically, the act of breaking the Sun and Moon Curse, which Klaus is so determined to accomplish, will also leave him temporarily vulnerable for such a staking.

“Dream on, Diaper Boy!  Curse or no curse, I can’t be tamed!”

On one hand, TVD producers’ decision to cast a more-or-less unknown British actor to play such a major role in their series, is a prudent one.  After all, this will force fans of the show to view Joseph Morgan’s performance with an open mind.  Fangbangers can now evalulate the character, without being distracted by the preconceived notions and strong opinions that come attached to the “bigger named” stars, who might have been more obvious choices for the role . . .

On the other hand, The Vampire Diaries is a show known for its extremely talented and unfathomably attractive cast . . . particularly, in the MALE Department .  . .

So, if the TVD writers expect us fans to believe that this Klaus Dude is a formidable opponent to Man-Gods, the likes of Damon, Stefan, and Elijah . . . someone who could bring the Cooly Unflappable Vampire Vixen Katherine to her knees . . . in more ways than one?  Well, he better something REALLLLY special!  Because, if not, the Fandom will NEVER embrace him . . .

And the actor will be forced to endure a venomous wrath, the likes of which he has never before experienced . . .

Which brings me to Joseph Morgan . . .  Who the heck is he?  Fortunately, in this modern age of Google and YouTube, with a bit of digging, we can find out . . .

First off, Joseph Morgan is ENGLISH! 

 (Though, who knows if we are actually ever going to hear his accent on the show.) 

 He was born in 1980.  And yet, I can’t seem to find his actual BIRTHDATE online.  This means I can’t do a blog birthday celebration for him, which really dusts my doilies. 

(I mean seriously, Joseph, as an actor, you’re supposed to lie about your AGE and birth year, not your birthdate!  An actor’s birthday is something to be cherished, not hidden from the world!  Just sayin’!)

Anyway . . . fans of the UK television series Hex probably remember Joseph as Troy — the kinder, gentler, non-supernaturally inclined love interest to the show’s Season 1 lead character, Cassie . . .

Like The Vampire Diaries, Hex was an urban fantasy / paranormal romance tale, which took place in a school setting.    Like Elena, the main character, Cassie, through no fault of her own, was constantly being thrown into danger by supernatural forces over which she had minimal control.   Also like Elena, everybody in the cast (Troy included), for better or worse, seemed to be madly in love with Cassie.

So, Joseph Morgan is definitely no stranger to starring in television shows, that exist on an alternate plain of reality — one where things go bump in the night, and magic is a weekly occurrence.  But whether the actor can evolve from playing the Jock Next Door to the Big Bad Vampire Villain remains to be seen . . .

One thing is for sure, though.  He definitely has the BODY for it . . .

In addition to Hex, Morgan also starred in a series of historically – based movies and mini series.  During these films, he was able to exhibit physical prowess and athleticism.  Both of these traits will absolutely come in handy, during the inevitable stunt play and fight scenes in which the character will likely engage, in upcoming episodes.  These movies included the Russell Crowe film, Master and Commander, Alexander, and, most recently, the mini series Ben-Hur, in which he played the title role . . .

You can check out the trailer for Ben-Hur, and see Joseph Morgan in “action,” here:

But, physicality, sexuality, and looking good naked are just the tip of the iceberg.  As the oldest and most powerful vampire in the world, Klaus must possess the dignity and wisdom that would inevitably develop in an individual, after so many years spent roaming the Earth, and dominating its people.  In his role as William Price in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, Joseph Morgan was granted the opportunity to exhibit that part of himself . . .

Off screen, many of The Vampire Diaries‘ cast members spend much of their spare time working hard to support the charitable causes about which they are deeply passionate.  Most notably, Ian Somerhalder has recently launched the Ian Somerhalder Foundation, which, according to its Mission Statement, “aims to empower, educate and collaborate with people and projects to positively impact the planet and its creatures.”

Like Ian, Joseph Morgan is also deeply involved in world issues and charitable causes.  He is the leading supporter of Positive Women, an international charity that works to improve the lives women and children affected by the HIV/Aids virus.  You can hear Joseph discuss his charity, and its vision for underpriviledged women, here:

(I almost wish I didn’t know about all this.  Because it’s going to be REALLY hard to dislike him now . . .)

No word yet, on which episode will mark Joseph Morgan’s debut as Klaus.  However, if we’ve learned anything from this past season of TVD, we can assume that Klaus won’t leave Mystic Falls, without wreaking some major havoc on its residents in general, and our Scooby Gang, specifically.  And do THAT I say, BRING IT ON!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Got a Secret. Can You Keep It? – Pretty Little Liars Returns January 3rd

ARIA:  OMG, Guys!  I just got a text message from “A!”

EMILY:  Me too!  What does yours say?

ARIA:  That Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens BROKE UP!

HANNA:  NO WAY!

ARIA:  WAY!

SPENCER:  That’s soooo not true!  I just saw them out together like last week.  That “A!”  She is SUCH a Pretty Little Liar!

Deny it if you’d like.  But I’m willing to bet that SOME of you (and you know who you are) became obsessed, this past summer, with a guilty little pleasure of a teen drama called Pretty Little Liars.  Whether you admit to watching it or not, Pretty Little Liars ended up being quite the little ratings darling, during those hot summer months.  As a result of its unexpected success, ABC Family decided to add the show to its dance card, again this year. 

After a jaw-dropping, sometimes laughable, but almost ALWAYS entertaining, first half of the season, Pretty Little Liars is slated to begin airing ALL NEW episodes starting January 3rd, at 8 p.m.

Wren and Spencer are clearly thrilled by this awesome news . . .

It seems like AGES, since we last checked in on “A’s” Pretty Little Victims, doesn’t it?  With so many characters, storylines, and plot twists, you might find yourself a bit confused as to where we left off . . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  What follows is a PLL primer, which will hopefully help you get up to speed on Pretty Little Liars (i.e. where it’s been, and where it’s going), just in time for the midseason premiere . . .

(By the way, just in case you were curious, the GIFS included this post were brought to you by the F-Yeah Pretty Little Liars Tumblr)

The Books

The Pretty Little Liars television series was inspired by a young adult book series of the same name, which was written by author, Sara Shephard.  The original series consisted of eight books.  Each book focused primarily on one of the four main characters in the series: Aria, Hanna, Spencer, or Emily.  The events that took place during the television series’ pilot episode, more or less directly corresponded with those from the first book in the series.

Recently, Sara Shephard has announced that, based on the success of the first eight books, as well as the television series inspired by them, she plans to add four additional books to the Pretty Little Liars series.  The first of those four books, Twisted, is set to hit bookstores in July of 2011.

The Mystery

You see that girl in the Missing Persons Poster pictured above?  Her name is Alison.  (Ali for short.)  And she’s dead.  At least .  . . we think she’s dead.  Actually, what exactly happened to Ali is one of the main mysteries of both the books and the television series.

About a year before the events of the television series take place, Ali, Spencer, Hanna, Aria, and Emily were having a slumber party in a barn on Spencer’s property, when Ali suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night.  She wasn’t seen or heard from for a year after that. 

Then, a year to the date of her disappearance, Ali’s decaying, smelly, and very stinky body was discovered near that barn.  Now, suddenly, all the girls who attended that slumber party are receiving strange and threatening messages from someone named “A,” who seems to know secrets about them that only the supposedly six-feet-under Alison would know.

What really happened to Alison that night?  And who is “A?”  These are the two main mysteries of the series.

As for the first mystery, well . . . there are a lot of folks out there who’d want to off Alison.  If you watch some of the flashbacks from the series, you will become one of them.  Girlfriend was a b*tch with a capital “B!”  Aside from being pretty, popular, and kind of a ho, Ali really had no redeeming qualities, whatsoever.  In fact, sometimes, figuring out what the heck the girls were thinking, when they decided to befriend Alison is the unofficial third mystery of the series . . .

Everyone seemed to have a motive to kill Alison — from the outcasts she taunted, to the girls whose boyfriends she stole, to the girl she inadvertently made blind, to the boy whose life she ruined, and to the many boys (and girls) whose hearts she broke.  Later in the series, we learn that, among the last people to see Ali alive on the night of her disappearance, was her much older boyfriend, Ian, who she dated in secret . . .

 and her neighbor, Creepy Toby, who was basically sent away to juvie, because of her . . .

The Pretty Little Liars Themselves

(1) Aria

When we first meet Aria, she is the rebel of the group.  We know this because she wears black, and has a purple stripe in her hair.  But her father’s adulterous affair, a year spent in Iceland, and Ali’s death, scare all goth tendencies (including the aforementioned purple stripe) right out of Aria.  She is a more or less well-behaved “sensitive writer type,” by the time we meet her.  Aria’s knowledge of her father’s affair, was a secret that only Ali knew about. 

Aria’s Dirty Daddy

And yet, during the season, “A” dropped that bomb on Aria’s mother, by sending her an anonymous letter about it. 

Aria’s Messed Up Mommy

This letter caused Aria’s mom to become briefly estranged from Aria, and move out of the family household.

“A” also seems to know about the illicit affair Aria has begun carrying on with her English teacher, Ezra Fitz, who Aria met at a bar, and classily screwed in a unisex bathroom, just days before the school year began . . .

Aria and Ezra broke up briefly, when Ezra found a text message from “A” about their relationship, on Aria’s phone, leading him wrongly to believe that his underage girlfriend was “talking out of school.”  Ezra also left town for a period of time, without telling Aria, in search of another teaching job. 

During the couple’s breakup, Aria briefly tried to date Bushy Eyebrows Noel, but that relationship quickly fizzled, when Noel realized that Aria wasn’t yet over her “old boyfriend.”  (And when I say OLD, I mean it in more ways than one . . .)

In the mid-season finale, Aria and Ezra had reunited, and were getting freaky in Ezra’s car, when another car hit her friend Hanna, who had just made a major break in the “who killed Ali” case.  Whoever tried to kill Hanna, also seemed to know about Aria’s and Ezra’s affair, and told the couple so, in no uncertain terms . . .

Apparently, “A” has learned her communication kills from the I Know What You Did Last Summer School of Window and Mirror writing . . .

(2) Hanna

Before the series began, Hanna was an outcast, and, apparently, a major porker.  We know this because, even though she looks JUST AS PRETTY AND THIN in flashbacks, as she does during the actual series, in flashbacks, she wears baggy t-shirts and ponytails, and has bad posture.  Oh  . . . she’s also EATING SOMETHING, in every single flashback scene.

But Ali’s disappearance apparently left an opening in the Popularity Pool.  So, after Evil Ali was out of the way, Hanna “lost a lot of weight” and became the school’s new Queen Bee, along with fellow former outcast, the UBER ANNOYING Mona.

 

Hobbies of Hanna’s include shoplifting and bulimia.  But lest you think she’s just another biatch, Hanna quickly becomes one of the kindest and most relatable characters in the series.  This can be attributed to four humbling things that happen to Hanna, during the course of the series:  (1) her mother’s unfortunate and sudden loss of wealth;

(2) her father’s sudden remarriage;

(3) the termination of her relationship with that Snoozy Bible Thumper Sean;

and (4) her budding friendship with sweetheart outcast, Lucas.

When we last saw Hanna in the mid-season finale, she was hit by a car (A’s car?) and knocked unconscious.  The hit and run occured just moments before Hanna was about to share a “shocking” announcement with her friends, about A’s true identity, and/or who might have killed Alison.

(3) Spencer

Spencer is your typical Type A personality / overachiever.  She wears lots of argyle and sweater vests.  Her family is very wealthy, and her dad is kind of a dick.  Spencer also has a penchant for stealing her older sister’s boyfriends.  The first she made out with was Ian, who, we learn, by the end of the series, was also dating Ali at the time.   Then she starts smooching with her sister’s adorable fiance, Wren . . .

Spencer’s sister catches the pair hooking up in Spencer’s bedroom, and eventually calls off the engagement.  Wren continues to court Spencer for awhile, but then inexplicably disappears . . .

 . . .  and is replaced by new not nearly as exciting boyfriend Poor Alex, who she ironically meets at her family’s country club.  (He’s a BALL BOY, naturally . . .)

Spencer and Alex break up briefly, after Spencer’s sister tries to make Alex think Spencer is embarrassed to be seen with him, because he’s so darn POOR.  But they, eventually the couple makes up.  Spencer later learns that Alex once comforted Spencer’s mother, during a breast cancer scare.  This information touches Spencer deeply, and makes us feel a bit better about Wren’s untimely disappearance but not much. 

 Throughout the first half of the season, “A” taunts Spencer about what a man-stealing HO she is .  . .  Spencer was also the last of the PLL girls to see Ali alive.  The two supposedly had a BIG FIGHT on the night Ali disappeared.

(4) Emily

Emily is quiet tomboy, who used to date Wife Beater Ben, until he tried to rape her in the gym locker room. 

But Emily actually likes girls, more than boys.  She made out with Ali once, and professed her love to the Queen Bee in a letter, only to be viciously spurned by her.  During the series, Emily begins a tentative lesbian relationship with a girl named Maya, who moves into Ali’s old house . . .

Maya looks to be about 40-years old . . . but is supposedly only 16 . . .

“A” seems aware of Emily’s relationship with Maya, and taunts her with it, by posting pictures of the couple in Emily’s locker.  This causes Emily to break up with Maya, and briefly begin a friendship with Creepy Toby, who she takes to the Homecoming Dance as a date. 

 But Creepy Toby creeps her out too much, so she runs away from him at the dance, and eventually ends up in the hospital, as a result.  Toby escaped authorities after dropping Emily off at the hospital.  He then stupidly called Emily (who he PUT in the hospital) for help during the mid-season finale.  Emily initially acted as though she wanted to help Toby.  However, instead of meeting him when she was supposed to, she sent the cops instead . . .

 

 

The Frenemies 

(1)  Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna

 

Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna (who wasn’t always blind, by the way) were Spencer’s neighbors.  They are step-siblings.  One night Creepy Toby was supposedly spying on the Pretty Little Liar girls.  This infuriated Ali, and made her desperate for revenge.  So, she made firecrackers, and decided to set them off near Creepy Toby’s garage.  But when Spencer peeked into the garage, she saw Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna DOING IT . . .

So, Ali (understandably) freaked out and dropped the firecrackers.  The sparklers went off in the garage, and caused Jenna to become blind.  Jenna now carries around a VERY LOUD cane of destruction, and always makes weirdly suggestive remarks to the girls, for no apparent reason at all.  She also oddly still uses a mirror to put on lipstick, even though SHE CAN’T SEE!

The girls briefly suspected Jenna as being “A,” when they caught her sending strange text messages through her laptop voice recognition program.  Later, the girls found a threatening message written on Spencer’s mirror in Jenna’s ugly shade of lipstick . . .

But of the two people I listed, Toby seemed to the girls a more likely candidate  to be Ali’s killer.  After all, it was TOBY who took the rap for causing Jenna’s blindness.  He did so, after Ali threatened him with revealing the knowledge of his sister-f*cking affair, if he didn’t absolve her of all wrongdoing.  Toby was sent away to juvie, as a result.  As mentioned earlier, Toby was also one of the last people seen with Ali, before she disappeared.

(2) Deputy Douchey

Deputy Douchey is a busy guy.  When he’s not catching shoplifters . . .

  . . . or screwing Hanna’s mom . . .

 or looking hot in a towel . . .

 . . . he’s trying to solve Ali’s murder.  But, basically, he just runs around stupidly accusing the Pretty Little Liars of killing Ali, and making Hanna’s life miserable.  Basically, aside from being kind of hot, Deputy Douchey sucks at life . . .

(3) Mona

 

You know who else sucks at life?  Mona.  We’re still not quite sure why Hanna hangs out with her, as she is really quite annoying.  Mona basically exists to make mean comments to everyone on the show, and repeatedly remind Hanna that her “popularity” is important.  I include her in this synopsis for two reasons only: (1) the events of the mid-season finale took place at HER ery lame birthday party; and (2) she was a MAJOR character in the book series, in more ways than one . . . 😉

(4) Jason

Jason is Dead Ali’s older brother.  He used to be a Goth, but now he’s just an A**hole.  Jason flew onto town on his broomstick toward the end of the summer season, and has been getting in the girls’ way, ever since.  Not only did he completely take over Ali’s memorial ceremony, after the girls worked so hard to put it together,  he, like Deputy Douchey, seems to think the girls had something to do with Ali’s death . . .

The Newbies

When Pretty Little Liars returns on January 3rd, at least three new faces will join the regular cast.  Lindsay Shaw, of 10 Things I Hate About You and Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide will play Paige a fellow athlete, and rival to Emily on the school swimteam . . .

Alona Tal of Veronica Mars and Cane will play Simone, Aria’s old babysitter, and a competitor for Mr. Fitz’s heart . . .

Tyler Blackburn will play Resident Bad Boy, Caleb, who will likely serve as a new love interest for one of the Pretty Little Liars . . .

Promos and Clips

Recently, ABC Family has released some new video footage from the show, to promote the upcoming mid-season premiere.  You can check out the new promo, and two clips from an upcoming episode, entitled “Moments Later,”  below.  ( Special thanks, Team Ezra Fitz, for showing me these!)

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to end this post with a few of my favorite Cheesy Stalker Messages from “A” . . .

See you on January 3rd, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

True Blood Has Cast Its Claude: Did they make the right choice? (Contains some spoilers)

Inquiring vamps want to know . . .

 After months of radio silence, the producers of HBO’s supernatural ratings darling, True Blood, have FINALLY begun to pony up some details about the show’s upcoming fourth season.  If prior seasons are any indication, True Blood‘s Season 4 will likely premiere during the Summer of 2011.  It should also be at least somewhat based on the fourth book in Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse fantasy novel series, Dead to the World.

As both a die hard True Blood fan, and an avid reader of the aforementioned book series, on which the show is based, I am always curious as to which actors will end up playing the characters I have read about, and obsessed over, for the past three years.  One of the characters in whose casting I’ve had the most interest was Sookie’s fairy cousin, Claude.  Claude just so happens to be the twin brother of the elegant fairy, Claudine, who we met toward the end of True Blood‘s third Season .  . .

Lara Pulver as Claudine.

In the books, Claude is described as being six-feet tall, with wavy black hair and a flawless physique.  With his chiseled jaw, soft brown eyes, and sensuous pouty lips, Claude’s looks literally take women’s breath away.  Unfortunately, for those women, he is also VERY gay!  In the human world, Claude started off working as a stripper, but eventually transitioned into the dual careers of modeling and night club ownership. 

 In terms of  his personality, Claude is kind of an ass.  He’s rude, arrogant, shallow, super snarky, and massively self-absorbed.  And yet, Claude displays a soft spot for his sister, over whom he is extremely protective.  Later in the series, he develops a friendship with Sookie, and allows her a rare glimpse into his softer, more vulnerable, side.

Recently, the producers of True Blood have announced that the character of Claude will most definitely appear, during the show’s fourth season.  The role will be played by actor, Neil Hopkins.

Lost fans will likely remember Neil from his portrayal of Charlie Pace’s drug-addicted older brother, and fellow Drive Shaft band mate, Liam.

While certainly not a bad choice, by any means (Hopkins did an excellent job playing Liam on Lost, after all), I found the producers’ decision to cast Hopkins as Claude surprising, and a bit off-putting, for a number of reasons:

(1) Age:  Now, fairies are basically immortal.  So, age shouldn’t really make a difference.  Admittedly, however, Hopkins looks a bit older than the baby-faced Claude, who’s features stopped maturing at around age 20, in his book incarnation.  Then again, True Blood has been known to “age-up” its cast from the book to the small screen, particularly when it comes to its supernatural characters.

The 41-year old Stephen Moyer plays Vampire Bill Compton, who supposedly “died” around his 30th birthday.

34-year old Alexander Skarsgard’s Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, was purportedly turned into a bloodsucker by his maker, Godric, when the former was around 21-years old.

44-year old Kristen Bauer’s Vampire Pam joined the world of the undead, during the Victorian Era, when she was just 19.

Perhaps, an older-looking Claude was cast, so that he would be more believeable, as a twin for the mature-looking actress who is currently playing Claudine (see above).  Yet, part of me was definitely looking forward to True Blood roping  more “young blood” (or, at least, more young-looking blood) into its cast dynamic.

(2) Hair Care, Eye Color, Skin Tone:  While it’s nothing a trip to the hair-stylist, some colored contacts, and a little makeup can’t fix, I always pictured Claude as having jet black hair, ivory skin, and dark eyes, since that was how he was described in the book.  This image contrasts starkly with the light brown-haired, blue eyed, and tan complected Hopkins.

(3) Personal Appearance: Claude, as he was described in the books, is an impeccably groomed, assiduously shaved (assuming fairies even HAVE body hair, which they probably don’t), metrosexually dressed, and slightly effeminate male.  Hopkins, at least in the roles he has inhabited thus far, strikes me more as an overtly-masculine, rough-around-the edges, low-maintenance hombre, with a perpetual five-o’clock shadow.

(4) This is how I’m hot: While Pretty Boy Claude is drop dead gorgeous, in an almost feminine “he’s so beautiful it physically hurts to look at him” way, Hopkins strikes me as more of the “ruggedly handsome” type.

And finally . . .

(5) Drive Shaft, Drive Shaft, Drive SHAFT!  I’m actually really worried that, every time Claude appears on screen, I will instinctively begin belting out the words to “You all, Everybody!” 

(Those of you who were Lost fans probably know what I’m talking about here.  Those who weren’t . . . well . . . watch THIS . . .)

Then again, it’s possible that the reason I’m being so VERY nitpicky about the producers’ casting choice for Claude, is that NONE of MY top three choices for the role made the cut.  If you know me well enough, you can probably guess who those three choices were.  But I’m going to tell you them, anyway . . .

Now, let’s see . . . a tall, dark-haired, insanely attractive, smooth-faced male, who looks like he’s in his 20’s, is capable of playing a homosexual, and can exhibit a snarky, rude, and mean-spirited, persona, while still being inherently loveable.  Who on Earth could fill that tall order?  Oh .  . . I know . . . THIS GUY!

Of course, I’m talking about Ian Somerhalder!  Based on their respective physical and personality descriptions, it seems entirely possible that Claude and Damon Salvatore were separated at birth. 

 And those of you out there who doubt that a “ladies man” like Ian can play a convincing homosexual, need only watch the below clip from the 2002 film, Rules of Attraction, to be proven wrong .  . .

Sure, Ian’s a bit busy now, what with his STARRING role in The Vampire Diaries, and all.  But, considering that True Blood airs during the summer time, during his signature show’s hiatus, I’m sure the producers of both shows can work something out!  Then again, I love Ian so much, I’d probably cast him in the role of Sookie’s GRANDMA, if I thought he had a shot at getting the part . . .

R.I.P. Adele Stackhouse

So, Ian would probably be my first choice to play Claude.  However, if he was busy, my second choice would do a great job in the role as well . . .

Like Ian, Ed Westwick fits Charlaine Harris’ physical description of Claude to a tee!  Dark haired, dark eyed, with a sculpted physique, and the smooth baby-face of a guy in his early 20’s (Westwick is 23.), Ed effortlessly embodies the look of this magical character.  As Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, Ed has also proven himself very capable of pulling off Claude’s unique and multi-faceted personality. 

Like Claude, Chuck can be rude, snide, arrogant, spoiled, and ever-so-slightly effeminate, but he can also be fiercely loyal, clever, and inherently likeable.  It also doesn’t hurt that Westwick is British, especially considering that all the “fairies” we’ve seen on True Blood so far, seem to possess a British accent.  (I’m not really sure what being British has to do with being a fairy.  But, apparently, the two are related in True Blood world).

My third and final Dream-Pick-that-Just-Wasn’t-Meant-to-Be for the role of Claude is Jason Dohring . . .

A few years back, Jason melted girls hearts the world over, as spoiled rich kid / brooding bad boy / hopeless romantic Logan Echolls, in the television series, Veronica Mars.  Logan had this special way of always being two things at once.  He was both snide and sweet; mean-spirited and kind-hearted, good-humored and ill-tempered, arrogant and insecure, popular and lonely, a lover and a fighter, a romantic and a cynic.  But above all, he was a guy fans loved, desired, and rooted for, no matter what jerky or douchebaggy thing he happened to be doing at the time.  If Claude was straight, and human, I suspect he’d be a lot like Logan Echolls . . .

But Claude is not just a loveable scoundrel, he’s also sophisticated and an impeccable dresser.  Can Jason pull that off?  YES HE CAN!

After the unfortunate, WAY BEFORE ITS TIME, cancellation of Veronica Mars, Jason Dohring landed the role of wealthy vampire Josef Konstantin in the short-lived CBS drama, Moonlight.  There, Jason showed himself to have a knack for fashion, as well as a penchant for silk and leather, two fabrics of which Clothes Horse Claude would DEFINITELY approve!

But, as I’ve mentioned, the casting directors at True Blood have already chosen their Claude, and it’s neither Ian Somerhalder, nor Ed Westwick, nor Jason Dohring.  It’s Neil Hopkins.  Therefore, I guess us fans just have to trust that they made the right decision.  

So, in THAT spirit (and to show there are no hard feelings), I’ve decided to end this post with a highlight reel from Neil’s portrayal of Liam Pace on Lost.  And I have to say, it’s pretty darn impressive . . .

Well, at least that’s my take on it.  Now, I turn the discussion over to you, fellow Fang Bangers.  Do you think Neil Hopkins will make a good Fairy Claude?  If not, who would you have chosen to inhabit the role?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Anatomy of a Trailer: Scream 4 (Contains Possible Spoilers)

I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since the first Scream movie came out in theaters!  It seems like only yesterday that I was sneaking into the movie theater to see it on opening night, having sneakily purchased tickets to some more “family friendly fare.”

That’s right!  Just like, I suspect, many of you, I wasn’t yet 17 when the first Scream came out in theaters . . .

(You know, I’ll never, for the life of me, understand why horror films, like this one, scrabble for the “Hard R” rating, when probably more than half of their movie viewing population has to be dropped off at the theater by their parents, because they don’t have their drivers licenses yet.  I mean, I get that it’s supposed to be this big “Status Symbol” to be “Rated R,” as a horror film.  Yet, all that Big Bad Letter really does is end up getting a lot of Movie Ticket Takers fired, for not properly ID-ing their patrons.)

“I swear, boss.  He totally looked 17 to me!”

But I digress.  There I was, underage, hanging with a bunch of my friends, and viewing Scream for the first time.  I remember when the movie started, seeing Drew Barrymore on the screen  (who was kind of a “big deal” at the time), and kind of rolling my eyes a bit.  “They aren’t going to kill Drew!”  I whispered to whoever was sitting next to me.  “Her face is on the movie poster.  And her name is one of ‘top billed.'”

 

And then they gutted her like a fish, in the first five minutes . . .

I was HORRIFIED . . . but, at the same time, very impressed.  I knew, right then, that I was witnessing the start of something pretty amazing.  As far as “horror movie cliches” were concerned, all bets were off!  We were all going to be in for quite a ride . . .

I saw the next two films in the trilogy on their opening nights as well.  And while neither had quite the shock value of the first installment  (The minute Jada Pinkett Smith walked into that movie theater at the beginning of Scream 2, I knew not to get too attached to her character . . .

 . . . ditto for Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .)

 . . . I still found both films to be enjoyable, witty, and surprisingly well-written.

So, I was intrigued, when I started hearing buzz around the internet that the first film of a new Scream trilogy would be “stabbing” its way into theaters in 2011.  Like the first film, Scream 4 will be penned by Kevin Williamson (writer of none other than my current FAVORITE television show, The Vampire Diaries) . . .

 . . . and directed by, that denizen of horror himself, Wes Craven. 

As the poster for the film suggests, the new tagline for Scream 4 is “New Decade, New Rules.”  At this year’s Scream Awards, Wes Craven promised us a movie for  the “next generation” of horror fans.  Here, the same, now- tired, old rules, won’t necessarily apply.  You know what that means, don’t you?  Oh yeah . . . the Ghostface Killer is TOTALLY iPhone-ready.

“Psycho Serial Killer?  There’s an app for that!”

Sure, Scream 4 may be ready for the “next generation of horror movie fans,” but, the question remains, is it ready for us?   After all, in this new culture, of leaked scripts, pirated films, screencapped trailers, and endless film analysis on message boards and blogs, it is REALLY hard to keep a secret, and even harder to genuinely surprise fans.  Because, now, not only are horror movie goers more savvy, as Craven, himself suggested, they are also more well-informed.

For example, we NOW know that when an actress boasts a “cameo” in a horror film, and her character doesn’t have a “name” on the movie’s IMDB page , we can probably expect her to show up in one scene, die a quick but gruesome death, and never be seen again . . .

Usually a lover of all things spoilery, I personally found myself a bit disappointed when, after merely viewing the film’s teaser trailer and perusing the message boards, I already pieced together what will probably be the opening murder sequence (including the “fakeout” that will likely come with it). 

And . . . well . . . why don’t I let you watch for yourself . . .

Now that’s a trailer chocked full of spoilery information, if I’ve ever seen one! 

I’m just going to share a few screencaps with you that I found particularly instructive.  However, you can find ALL the screencaps for this trailer here.  (Special thanks to CNE20, who was kind enough to post these!)

Oh, and for all you Spoilerphobes out there, this would be a good time to STOP READING!

:12 “Welcome home, Sydney!  You’re a survivor, aren’t you, Sydney?  What good is it being a survivor, if everyone around you is DEAD!”

Yes, boys and girls, Scream queen, Neve Campbell (now 37), will be reprising her role as the much-abused Sydney Prescott.  After all this poor woman has been through, you would think she would FINALLY suck it up, and cancel her landline.  Cell phones, Sydney!  They are all the rage these days . . . not to mention that having them makes it much easier to RUN AWAY from the Psycho Serial Killer who always seems to be INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

:18 – “All you can do is WATCH!”

Anna Paquin (Soookeh! of  True Blood) and Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) have both publicly admitted to having “cameos” in this film.  (We all know what THAT means!)  Many “experts” have posited that the first “murder” of the film, will not be a “real” murder, but actually a scene from the fictional Scream-like series, Stab (featured prominently in Scream 2 and 3), which Anna’s and Kristen’s characters will be watching at home on DVD.  These same experts suggest that Anna and Kristen, like Drew Barrymore and Jada Pinkett Smith, before them, will be the new film’s first REAL victims.  This scene here, which features Anna, turning off a DVD, while a frightened Kristen looks on, would seem to suggest as much . . .

:19 – “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Golly gee!  For two girls credited as having “cameos” in the film, Lucy Hale (Pretty Little Liars) and Shenae Grimes (90210) sure got a lot of face time in the teaser trailer!  Many suspect that this is because these two will be stars of the Stab installment that Anna and Kristen are watching, in the film’s opening scene. 

(Note to Kevin Williamson:  It is not too late to CHANGE THIS!  In fact, if this is the actual concept for the opening sequence, and you want to REALLY shock fans, as you have done consistently in the past, you probably SHOULD!)

:21 – “Modern fans have become savvy to the rules of the originals.  I mean, there are still rules, but the rules have changed.”

OMG, Rory Culkin!  My, have you grown!  (I bet you’re taller than Macauley Culkin now . . . and Kieran Culkin, for that matter.)  It looks as though Rory will be inhabiting the “Horror Film Geek”  role, previously inhabited by Jamie Kennedy (who played “Randy Meeks”), in the first two films.

:50 – “Go ahead, if you have the guts!”

This highly controversial, and much discussed, screencap features Courtney Cox, seemingly about to get gutted by the Ghostface Killer.  Could the makers of this trailer be brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it) to forecast the death of Gale Weathers –one of the three MAIN CHARACTERS from the original trilogy — so early in the film’s promotional campaign?  (Or will someone come to to her rescue, at the last minute, as is usually the case in these type of movie situations?)

:54 – “Well, it’s time for someone new to die.”

Here’s Rory Culkin again, along with Hayden Panettiere and Marielle Jaffe.  These three will likely function as the “Scooby Gang” to lead player, Emma Robert’s “Jill.”  Hayden will be playing Kirby Reed, “Jill’s” best friend.  The “best friend” moniker should keep her safe for at least the first half of the film.

Marielle will be playing “Olivia,” who, based on this  scene alone, looks and sounds like kind of a b*tch.  Since b*tches never fare particularly well in this genre, I’m guessing “Olivia” will be a goner, fairly early on . . .

:58 – “These aren’t just random killings.”

David Arquette (who I am liking SO MUCH LESS NOW, especially after his ridiculous drunken T.M.I. rant on Howard Stern) will be reprising his role as Deputy Dewey.  Also donning the dorky Rent-A-Cop uniform in this film, will be the adorable Adam Brody . . .

(Seth Cohen is a cop?)

 . . . and the very cuddly, Anthony Anderson . . .

1:00 – iPhone product placement alert!

I said it before, but it bears repeating.  Between the killer videotaping his murders, and the cast members running around with iPhones, it does seem that new technologies will play a major role in the new trilogy.

1:01 –  Emma Roberts alert!

Although she looks like she’s in a pretty tough spot right now, I’m thinking that Emma Roberts, who has been tauted by producers as “the NEW Sydney Prescott” (she plays Sydney’s cousin, in the film), will probably be around for a while.  In other words, if you happen to be watching the film, and really have to pee, the scenes where “Jill” is in “peril” are the best time to go . . .  At least, this way, you won’t risk missing a “cool death scene.”

1:16 – “I hear you like horror movies.”

              “It’s for you.”

I know I showed these two already.  However, this line was the only one in the trailer that actually made me giggle out loud.   It also seemed a bit cheesy, by Scream standards.  This only supports my hypothesis that all scenes featuring Shenae and Lucy are meant to come from the fictional Stab series.  Of course, I could be wrong . . . (I still kind of hope I am.)

Scream 4 scares into theaters April 15, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Talking about My Generation (on ABC)

Hello, fellow TV Watchers!  Welcome to Fall!  It’s a time for Back-to-School Sales, cooler temperatures, and multi-colored leaves that crunch beneath your feet while you walk.  But, more importantly, it’s time for the networks to bring back all the Good Ole’ Television Shows you became obsessed with last year  — thereby, preventing you from doing anything remotely productive between the hours of 8 and 11 p.m. (at least, until winter hiatus).

Fall is also a time when networks try to sneak new shows into their preexisting program lineups, in hopes that you will stick around, and watch them too.  More often than not, this “little scheme” fails miserably, resulting in a sizeable percentage of shows not making it past the Pilot stage, and a significantly larger percentage of new programs not surviving the first season.

Having been burned a few times by shows that were canceled, just as I was starting to warm up to them, I’ve become a bit more picky about which new Fall shows, if any, merit a coveted spot on my television viewing roster.  Yet, as luck would have it, the ONE new show I deemed worthy of an “audition,” just so happens to air opposite my absolute FAVORITE show, The Vampire Diaries.

Faces (and bodies) this beautiful simply MUST be viewed in “REAL TIME.”

Of course, I am “talking about My Generation,” the new hour-long mockumentary-style drama, which is set to air Thursday nights, at 8 p.m. on ABC.  (Just in case, you neglected to read the title of this post.)   The show is actually based on a successful Swedish television program, entitled God’s Highway, which had a similar format and premise.  For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, you can catch the latest promotional trailer for the show here:

As you might have noticed from watching the trailer, My Generation focuses on nine fictional characters, all of whom graduated from the same high school in Austin, Texas, during the year 2000.

Not surprisingly, all obligatory high school stereotypes will be showcased, in their two-dimensional glory.  Prepare to make snap judgments about the following archetypes:  the Brain, the Beauty Queen, the Jock, the Nerd, the Rich Kid, the Overachiever, and the Wallflower (Ummm . . . Wallflower?  Did anyone actually use this word in the year 2000?  Has anybody actually used this word since 1952?  Let’s just call her “Shy” and be done with it, OK?) 

In short, it is a cast of characters that would be at home in any John Hughes movie.

(R.I.P. Mr. Hughes.)

Using a compilation of interviews, photographs, and live-action shots, the show then chronicles the characters’ lives in present day.  Ten years after their high school graduation, these native Texans, now facing down their late 20’s, are forced to grapple with war, worldwide recession, and other unique challenges that characterize the 2010 American Experience.

In terms of the show’s cast, you will find a lot of suitably attractive, and vaguely familiar — if not immediately recognizable — actors and actresses.  Quite a few times, while I was watching the trailer, I found myself squinting at an actor I thought I recognized, only to look him up later and learn that he played “Guy at the Bar” in a movie I watched on HBO the week prior.  

However, in the actors I DEFINITELY recognized column, I would include Michael Stahl David . . .

. . .  who starred in J.J. Abrams Shaky Cam Extravaganza, Cloverfield.

Michael plays Steven Foster on the show.  Steven starts high school as “The Overachiever,” the kind of guy who, even at 17, wore a suit to school everyday, carried a briefcase, and owned a Blackberry LONG before everybody else did.

10 years later, he’s become Sam Merlotte from True Blood . . .

Oh, how the mighty hath fallen . . .

Learn more about Steven Foster here:

I also recognized Mehcad Brooks . . .

. . . he of the INSANE abdominal muscles.   You might remember Mehcad as the tragic Eggs Benedict (Yes, that was actually the character’s name.) from Season 2 of  True Blood.

Mehcad plays Rolly Marks, a high school jock, who enlists in the Army post 9/11, and ends up fighting on the front lines in Iraq.  You can learn more about Mehcad’s character here:

Additionally, I WAS VERY happy to see Julian Morris’ name on the cast list!

For those of you unfamiliar with his work, Julian played the adorable (and WAY  TOO SOON departed) cradle-robbing, sister-swapping British med student, on ABC Family’s summer smash hit, Pretty Little Liars.

That’s him with the magic fingers on the left.  As for the girl on the right?  Well, I like to pretend that’s me!

Julian plays Anders Holt, a “Rich Kid” who, from the looks of it, becomes a “Rich Adult.”  Listen to what Julian has to say about his character here:

Rounding out the rest of the main cast are:

Daniella Alonso,

Kelli Garner,

Jaime King,

Keir O’Donnell,

Anne Son,

and Sebastian Sozzi.

Refreshingly enough, age wise, all the show’s cast members are actually within three or four years, of the characters they are playing.  (Unlike we’ve seen in similar shows about 20-somethings, Grandmas and Teenagers  needed not apply for this casting call.)  As a twenty-something myself,  it is particularly nice to see a show — which is supposed to be about people I could have gone to high school with — where the characters are played by actors that I could have actually gone to high school with.  You see that so rarely nowadays!

Though early reviews of the show have been mixed,  for me, My Generation stands out, as one of the most promising new programs of the fall season.  The show has the potential to be a daring portrait of the trials and tribulations that face Generation Y (which is, after all, MY GENERATION).  And while I may not necessarily be watching it LIVE (see The Vampire Diaries comment above), I will still most certainly be watching it.

My Generation premieres Thursday, September 23rd on ABC.  Will YOU be watching?

[www.juliekushner.com]

What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]