ONCE UPON A TIME: All in the Family (S 5: Ep 19 Recap)

This week’s installment of Once is all about The FAM: sisters, daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, evil twin brothers we accidentally turn into sperm. There’s enough complicated familial exchanges in this hour to fill up an entire year of therapy sessions. And you thought YOUR PARENTS SCREWED YOU UP FOR LIFE?

Let’s review, shall we?

Sister from Another Mister

Once upon a time, Princess Regina was super bored in the castle, because no one would play with her but a kind of ugly doll. And ugly dolls tend to be super poor conversationalists. Such is the lot of being an only child, Little Regina. It’s why my parents got me a cat . . .

Of course, Regina is not really an only child. Unbeknownst to her, she’s been separated at birth from her ginger sis, Zelena, who not only has no one to play with her (not even ineloquent ugly dolls), she’s also POOR! (Oh the humanity.)

One day, Regina finds her Mom, Cora’s magic wand and tries to put a spell on her ugly doll to turn the doll into an ugly sister for her to play with, which could be the start of a really gnarly horror movie.

But instead, Regina just passes out from her own magic, which seems a bit anticlimactic, if you ask me.

Suddenly, Cora is super concerned that Regina is going to die from her wand wielding, which seems a little plot convenient, especially since the “magic” Regina attempted was nothing more than a little Bibbity Bobbity Boo . . . the kind of spell Harry Potter could have conjured after about two days at Hogwarts. Nonetheless, Cora is “forced” to retrieve Little Zelena from her spot in Poor Town, so that she can magic her long lost sister back to health.

Little Zelena does this easily, also due to plot convenience, and Regina and Zelena quickly become the kind of friends that little girls of the same age always become, when they both have no other better playmate options . . . like cats for example.

Then, Little Zelena opens Cora’s (wand) box with her magic fingers, which sounds kind of kinky and dirty, but is also a matter of, you guessed it, plot convenience. Regina pieces together that unless Zelena was totally evil (which, by the way, she is, just not yet), she wouldn’t be able to open Cora’s box unless she and Cora were somehow related!

Regina’s wish for a sister came true! She and Zelena excitedly run to tell Cora, who responds by, having Zelena taken away by guards and forcing both Regina and Zelena to drink potions that make them forget one another ever existed. Why, you ask? Because Cora believes that having siblings is for pussies, and that being lonely and talking only to ugly dolls all her life will make Regina a better person.

Cora is on Team Only Child, just like me. Hooray!

Just kidding, Cora sucks. But then again, we always knew that . . .

Bad Twin

Speaking of sucks, back in Present Day Road to Hell, Evil Twin Prince James beats the crap out of Prince Charming in the middle of the street, while posing as sheriff (#PoliceBrutality) and then throws him in the pokey, for the clichéd reason every Evil Twin on Every Soap Opera Ever uses to beat the crap out of a sibling who shares their face. He wants Charming’s life!

The only problem is that, unlike Soap Opera Evil Twins, Prince James is a crap actor, one who can’t impersonate his brother for sh*t. To be fair, James easily fools Emma into believing he’s her dear old dad. This, despite the fact that Emma supposedly “has a super power that always lets her know when people are lying.” Fortunately, Emma left her Super Power back on Earth, along with her clean underwear and bras (Seriously, how are they managing so many wardrobe changes? Is the Road to Hell paved with mini malls and Victoria Secrets . . . probably.)

But then, James has to screw things up by pulling a gun on Charming’s friends, hand cuffing Emma. (Dammit James. You were so close to being a believable Charming . . . so close!)

Cruella arrives on the scene to help her beau suck less at pulling off the oldest television trope of all time, but quickly bores of the task, and ends up just doing what she always does, sassing the cast with clever one liners. She does manage to punch Emma in the face though. And seeing as Emma did murder Road to Hell’s resident Dog Whisperer, I’d say that move was pretty par for the course.

Eventually, Charming breaks out of jail and enters into battle with James. The battle ends with Charming throwing James into the sperm water for the series’ weekly Sperm Donation portion of the season.

“Look on the bright side, Dad. At least we will no longer have to suffer from the nauseating indignity of having to watch someone with your face making out with Cruella!”

At least, I think it was Charming who turned James into sperm. Wouldn’t it be positively hilarious if it was the other way around?

As long as James refrains from holding a gun to the rest of the cast members heads this time, they probably wouldn’t know the difference . . .

A Match Made in Hell

Elsewhere, Hades tries to woo Zelena by bringing her to the Road to Hell equivalent of that place you drove to with your high school boyfriend to make out in the back seat of his mom’s old car. You know Hades is doing his best to put the moves on Zelena at makeout point, because he’s doing that thing where he talks really slow, and puts about five-second pauses between every single word he utters.

“It’s . . . because . . . the . . . bad . . . Blue . . . Fire . . . CGI . . . Haircut . . . burned . . . off . . . the . . . part . . . of . . . my . . . brain . . . associated . . . with . . . talking . . . in . . . normal . . . speed.”

Zelena is falling for it, Hook Line and Sinker. She seems particularly ready to let those wicked green Road to Hell Victoria Secret’s panties drop, when Hades tells her that all she has to do is make out with him, and they can live Happily Ever After in Storybrooke, while the whole rest of the cast rots in Hell. Smooth pick up line, Hades. Boys, please feel free to try that one on for size, next time you are trying to get laid.

 

It does beg the question though, what kind of show would Season Six of Once Upon a Time be if the only two characters in it were Hades and Zelena? Here’s a guess . . .

Mother Knows Best

Regina waits up for Zelena, after her date, to try to talk her out of giving up her virginity to the Dark Lord of the Underworld on the first date, because he won’t buy the cow, if he can get the milk for free. Just kidding! Regina’s doing it, because she doesn’t want to be stuck for all eternity in the Road to Hell, while her sister and her boyfriend reenact the 70’s sitcom All in the Family upstairs, only without Meathead and Sally Struthers to keep the comedy from getting too dark and racist.

Zelena isn’t too keen on taking relationship advice from Regina for obvious reasons. So Regina does what any self-respecting little sis who is getting no respect from her sibling would do, she rats her out to Mommy!

Unfortunately, Mommy is a bit tied up at the moment, carrying out Hades punishment of her, which basically involves carrying around pillows in a wheel barrow all day and pretending they are heavy. Fortunately, there’s a Hook for that . . .

And by that I mean, Captain Hook to the rescue!

Mama Cora’s first suggestion as to how to keep Zelena from giving it up to Hades is to make her drink a potion that causes her to forget his existence. If this works, it will turn the second half of Once into that movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, where he keeps having to reinvent their relationship every single day, because she keeps conveniently forgetting he exists every time she falls asleep, which, by the way, is what most of us try to do when it comes to some of Adam Sandler’s movies . . .

Zelena won’t take the bait though. So Cora is forced to take more drastic measures. She allows her daughters to remember their past together, the one she stole from them all those years ago. And then they all proceed to hug it out.

This one act of kindness after an eternity of being the Worst Person Ever on Cora’s part earns her a spot in Heaven, which kind of makes Heaven seem like the public rest rooms in Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC. They’ll let ANYBODY IN!

After Cora goes to Heaven, Regina has a change of heart and decides to tell Zelena to accept Hades proposal, because life is too short to miss out on True Love . . . also because, apparently no matter how much awful crap you do in your life, if you can manage to be nice for a few seconds, you’ll get into Heaven anyway . . .

You Got Panned!

Zelena rushes off to endure some more Really Slowly Spoken Romantic monologues by Hades, when she is captured by Rumpelstiltskin and . . . wait for it . . . his awful dad forever stuck in the body of a twelve-year old boy, Peter Pan.

Oh oh! It looks like “True Love” is going to have to wait another week to blossom inside the Lord of the Underworld’s heart . . . and pants.

Until then, My Dearies!

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.

Once Upon a Time: While You Were Sleeping (S2: Ep 18 Recap)

This week on Once, we find love in a hopeless place. All the pregnant actresses on the show make their convenient departures. And another donation is made to the River of Sperm. (This one even comes in a jar!)

Let’s review, shall we?

Animal Magnetism

Mulan and Red are dashing through Oz, searching in vain for Red’s wolf pack. This is because Mulan has been relegated to Perpetual Sidekick Status, and seems pretty much destined never to have her own storyline. While in the woods, they come across Dorothy and Toto, the latter of whom barks at Red. This makes Dorothy think that Red is witch. But actually Toto is barking because Red is part wolf . . . also because Toto has the best gaydar ever. (The pets of secretly gay fairytale characters always do.)

It’s a Meet Cute of the highest order, and poor Mulan just has to kind of stand on the sidelines, and watch it, because such is her lot in life. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, that Mulan! Mulan is gay too, but Toto doesn’t notice, possibly because all the armor she’s wearing blocks his gaydar.

“What am I? Chopped liver?”

Then, Zelena appears to steal Dorothy’s slippers (they don’t match Dorothy’s outfit anyway), and ends up taking Toto instead. Dammit! Now, how is Dorothy supposed to find her next girlfriend?

“I need to get back Toto, because she’s my only friend with a brain. She was a gift to me from my now-dead Auntie Em. Auntie Em was the only one who didn’t try to have me committed to a psych ward, when I told her flying monkeys were real, and a bad CGI brainless scarecrow was my new bestie,” Dorothy explains. “Also, without Toto showing me which girls are gay, I’ll probably never get laid again. And I really, really need to get laid.”

“Well, if you really want to get laid, you might want to try wearing more flattering shoes,” Mulan adds helpfully (of course, nobody listens to her, because she’s not important to this story).

“Your family rejected you, because they think you are bat-sh*t crazy, even though you are not?” Red asks excitedly. “My family rejected me because they thought I ate my boyfriend!”

“Did you . . . eat your boyfriend, I mean?” Dorothy asks.

“Yeah, obviously! I was hungry,” Red responds.

“So . . . that’s not really the same thing as what happened to me,” Dorothy mused.

“I guess not. But we are still totally made for each other!” Red exclaims.

“Are we really though . . .?” Dorothy wonders dubiously.

“Just go with it. There’s only 30 minutes left in the episode, and we’re only in half of it. So, we need to fall in love super quickly, so we can prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” Red insists.

“I have a great idea about how to prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” offers Mulan. “See, my character has always been gay . . . and . . .”

“Shut up, no one asked you!” Dorothy and Red shout in unison.

Dorothy and Red decide to make a really complicated sleeping curse to knock out Zelena, instead of just finding some water to dump on her, like Dorothy did the last time. While they are out in the poppy fields collecting ingredients, the two girls encounter some flying monkeys. Because they can’t possibly outrun things with wings on two legs, Red gets all naked and wolfy, so that Dorothy can ride her barebacked to safety.

I hope you like a heaping helping of bestiality with your romance, Oncers!

(FYI Mulan is being plagued by flying monkeys too, but has to fend for herself, because nobody loves her enough to let her ride them naked through the forest . . . *insert sad violin sounds here*)

After their wild and sexy ride, Dorothy hightails it out of there, without saying goodbye or staying for breakfast, which is actually a pretty accurate metaphor for my college dating experience.

“You know, all this time, I thought I was out here in the forest, because I wanted to find my family, when what I really wanted was a hot piece of ass like Dorothy to ride me naked all night long,” Red explains conversationally to Mulan.

“You know, what you are saying kind of hurts my feelings,” responds Mulan. “It also makes me feel like I’ve been wasting my life, ever since I got on this show. I mean, I’m a hero, I led an entire army of dudes to victory, AND befriended a dragon who talks like Eddie Murphy. I’m better than this.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening,” Red replies. “Anywhoo, I’m going to go find that cute girl I met ten minutes ago, and got naked with five minutes ago, and tell her that she’s the love of my life. See ya!”

Like Water Under the Sperm Bridge

Back in the Gateway to Hell, Red rides in on a tornado (the story book version of a Uber) in search of Zelena, because the latter apparently did something crappy to Dorothy. As it turns out, the crappy thing Zelena did was put Dorothy under the sleeping curse, which is exactly what Dorothy was planning to do to her, so that seems pretty fair, actually. The problem, of course, is that no one alive LOVES Dorothy enough to wake her up with True Love’s Kiss, which means she’ll basically be sleeping for all eternity.

Or will she?

Apparently, Auntie Em is on the Gateway to Hell and SHE loves Dorothy, so the gang decide to have her spit in a vial, so that they can travel back to Oz using Dorothy’s slippers (helpfully donated by Zelena herself?), pour a little Auntie Em spit on Dorothy’s face (ew?) and wake her up from the curse.

Unfortunately, before Auntie Em can work up a really juicy loogie to hack into the vial, Hades turns her into water, but not clean water, mind you, gross spermy water that he scoops into a jar, before dumping into the River of Sperm, which, in my opinion is a waste of perfectly good sperm!

Hades apparently did this as a gift to his erstwhile girlfriend Zelena, who hates Dorothy. And this means we can add “Spermy Auntie Em in a Jar” to “Dead Flower” on “Hades’ List of Gifts for My Wicked Boo.”

Admittedly, neither of these are great gifts. But Zelena is thrilled with them both. This is probably because her last boyfriend in Oz was a flying monkey, and the only gifts she got from him were an STD and a bad case of head lice.

Hook has Bad Really Bad Handwriting, and Other Stuff I Learned from the Second Half of this Episode

“You are so totally gay for Dorothy. You should absolute ride her Ugly Slippers to Oz, so you can make out with her while she’s in a coma,” Snow insists to her friend. “It worked for my husband and me. And I hear gay marriage is legal in Oz now, so White Wedding, or should I say, Red Wedding . . . hmmm, maybe this isn’t the best place for a Game of Thrones reference.”

“That’s a great idea, Snow! You are the best,” insists Red.

“By the way, what happened to what’s her face? That girl with you in Oz. Her name started with an M. It’s right at the tip of my tongue . . . um . . . um . . .” Snow began, fumbling for Mulan’s name.

“I left her there to come here,” Red explains casually. “Hopefully, Zelena didn’t put her under a sleeping curse too, because who the heck on this show cares about her enough to wake her up?”

“I know, right?” Snow giggles conspiratorially.

(As it turns out, Mulan took the same tornado to the Underworld that Red did, but got so tired of everyone ignoring her, she rode it back to Oz, without anybody knowing.)

In other news, Snow and Charming have finally decided to be parents to their baby back home, but only because the Phone Booth they used to haunt him, and scar him for life, has been summarily disconnected. Snow tells David he should go because Snow’s name is on a tombstone on the Gateway to Hell, which means she’s sort of stuck in the Underworld for all Eternity, or at least until this show gets canceled, whichever comes sooner.

“But it’s gotta be you who goes,” explains Charming. “The actress who plays you is super pregnant, and it won’t be too long, before your belly is too big to hide behind boxes and randomly placed household appliances. Hook, cross Snow’s name off on the tombstone and put mine.”

“Why should I put your name? Maybe I should put someone else’s name entirely and you both could go together?” Hook offers.

“Because my real life wife just announced she’s going on maternity leave, and one of us still has to work to earn money for diapers, dammit!” Charming exclaims in frustration.

“Fine, have it your way,” Hook demurs.

Since Hook is practically illiterate, he writes Charming’s name on the tombstone in handwriting that vaguely resembles those cards you get in Hallmark that are supposed to look like they are made by three-year olds.

Snow and Red then hightail it back to Oz, so Red could make out with comatose Dorothy. The spit swapped by these two immediately evaporates into the air and creates a rainbow. And when your saliva makes rainbows, you know you’ve found true love for life!

Meanwhile, back in the Underworld, Belle voluntarily puts herself under a sleeping curse, so that she won’t give birth immediately, thereby at least temporarily preventing Hades from taking her child . . . also because the actress who plays her is pregnant too! (Must be something in all that spermy water they drink in the Underworld.)

I don’t know about you, but drinking a sleeping curse in the early months of pregnancy would make me really worried about fetal alcohol syndrome . . . either that or a really bad case of baby narcolepsy.

Making bad parenting choices already, Belle . . . and your tot hasn’t even been born yet. You’ll fit right in with the rest of this cast!

Until next time, My Dearies.

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

 

 

 

ONCE UPON A TIME: The One That Got Away (S5: Ep 16 Recap)

Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?

Also this week on Once, the characters finally simultaneously remember all the plot-inconvenient babies they left languishing at home for half a season.

Henry becomes a “tortured artist,” because that’s not a cliché or anything. And Ghosting . . . it’s not just the thing you do to significant others who you are too cowardly to dump in person, anymore.

Let’s review, shall we?

Because, Apparently, the Only Brain in Oz Belongs To The Guy Made of Straw

Scariest scarecrow EVER!

In Oz’ past, Zelena needs a brain for her time travel spell. So, she has her flying monkeys kidnap the (quite honestly, super creepy looking) Bad CGI Scarecrow, in an attempt to take his. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was looking for a single brain that embodied “wisdom” I wouldn’t choose the one owned by the guy whose sole function in life is to stand around looking vaguely intimidating to birds. Then again, maybe the IQs in Oz as a whole, simply aren’t that high. I mean, think about it, these are folks who can’t comprehend directions that are any more complicated than “follow the yellow brick road.”

Anywhoo, a bizarrely bad-ass looking Dorothy returns to Oz with Toto in tow to rescue her creepy CGI friend and his brain, which is shared by all of the citizens of Oz! (Talk about precious cargo!)

Of course, Toto does all the rescuing, because everyone knows that dogs are way smarter than brainless Oz residents!

This brick road was white, before I got here and did my thing on it!

Zelena is super pissed about her lost brain (mainly because now she can’t remember all the ingredients for her time travel spell, or the color of the road she must follow to collect them). Then, Hades comes by, and informs her that he wants a time travel spell too, and would be happy to help Zelena make hers.

As it turns out, Hades and Zelena have a whole bunch in common. They both have older siblings who, at least as far as they are concerned, got better lives than they did, and it’s turned them both into tremendous assholes. They both want to use the time travel spell to change the past so that they get “the good stuff” instead of their siblings, in the hopes that this will make them slightly less assholey.

In order to track down Dorothy and the Scarecrow, Hades and Zelena go for a ride on her bike together, and it makes them both SUPER HORNY.

I totally get this from Zelena’s perspective. I mean, when the only boys in your neighborhood are smelly flying monkeys, flamboyantly dressed, probably mostly gay, munchkins, an extra large tin can, and a lion with zilch sex appeal, you are going to be pretty lonely. As for Hades, I’m not quite seeing the appeal. I mean, by definition the Underworld is filled with LITERALLY Hot People.

And Zelena? The woman who has no brain, and who can’t shower ever, because doing so would literally be the death of her? Let’s just say that’s not a Match.com profile that’s getting many hits.

“I’m excellent at sweeping floors though!”

Hades lets it slip that True Loves’ Kiss can bring him back his heart and make him, like, human or something. This way, he can leave the Underworld forever and become just another dude. He insists this is something in which he has interest. But, if I were him, I’d stick to the Devil I know. After all, down there, Hades is Lord of the Underworld and has magic. Up on Earth, he has no marketable skills and would probably end up being Lord of McDonalds’ or something . . .

Hades and Zelena almost suck face, but end up putting it on pause, so that Zelena can easily freeze Dorothy and take the Scarecrow’s brain from him. Crap. All dressed up and no brain to go. How’s that girl ever going to get back to Kansas?

Back at Zelena’s house, Hades sort of/ kind of proposes to her. “Time travel / schmime travel. Let’s screw so I can share one brain with you in Oz forever!”

But Zelena isn’t falling for that crap. She thinks Hades is playing her, so he can make the time travel spell himself, and leave her home in Oz with all the brainless morons. And so the Wicked Witch of the West runs away from the Lord of the Underworld without giving him the kiss he’s waited literally an eternity to receive. Do you think it’s possible for a tongue to get blue balls?

#Ghostedbyfairytalecharacters

Back in the underworld, Henry is pissed and super broody because no one appreciates his art, which is basically the equivalent of a C-plot / filler episode on this show. Henry’s lame story is about how his grandparents finally remember they have a fairly newborn baby at home after abandoning the kid for over a month. (Hey, that’s 27 years and 11 months sooner than it took them to remember Baby Emma, so PROGRESS!)

“Boo! Scared you didn’t I, baby? This is apparently the way I show my motherly love.”

The blind witch lady at Granny’s diner tells the professional absentee parents that while they can’t see their baby boy, they can still “scare the sh*t out of him / haunt him / scar him for life” by calling him on Hell’s Telephone and haunting his ass. “This is an excellent idea!” Snow White exclaims. “What child wouldn’t want to hear strange disembodied voices calling out to them in the middle of the night, while they try to sleep, because that isn’t at all disturbing or frightening to a young person.”

On second thought, maybe it’s for the best that Snow and Charming are never around to actually raise their kids #badparentingchoices . . .

Henry’s story ends with Baby Neal being all happy that he got to be “ghosted” by his parents . . .but bummed that when he pooped, the “ghosts” refused to change his diaper, and he had to sit in his crap for the rest of the night . ..

Oh, Baby, Baby, how was I supposed to know?

That something wasn’t right here. Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you gooooo . . .And now you’re out of . . .

Oops, I did it again. Lost myself in the lyrics. Back to the Babies of Storybrooke!

Last week on Once, Rumpel became Hades’ bitch, in order to prevent Hades from taking his not-yet-born baby from Belle’s womb. This week Rumpel begins his bitch work by opening up a portal in Storybrooke so even more characters can join this fabulous Underworld rager that’s been going on these past few weeks.

Back in Storybrooke, Belle’s been helping the Blue Fairy to take care of all of the main character’s abandoned children, because, let’s face it, there’s nothing much else to do in town, seeing as how she’s already read all the books with no words in them from the town’s Library for Illiterates. Upon arrival, Belle is surprised when the Blue Fairy doesn’t know which bottle to feed one of the babies. (This doesn’t surprise me at all, because the Blue Fairy is the Absolute Worst, so, of course, she’d suck at bottles too.)

Then, it turns out that the Blue Fairy is actually Zelena posing as the Blue Fairy to steal back her own baby from Regina and Robin Hood, who abandoned it. A scuffle ensues, just as a Portal to Hell conveniently opens up right on the floor of the Nunnery. (Ouch! Sacrilege much?)

Belle grabs Zelena’s baby and heads straight to Hell, which may seem like a strange choice to some, but when faced with an eternity in Hell or an eternity stuck hanging out with the Blue Fairy, Hell seems like a way better deal. Zelena jumps into the portal after her child, leaving Baby Neal alone with the Blue Fairy, the former of whom is undoubtedly thinking “Hey, wait for me! Oh crap, abandoned again! And still no one has fed me or changed my diaper in a month!”

Upon arriving in Hell, Zelena worries that Hades might have brought her and her baby here to seek vengeance on her for dumping his ass all those years ago. Belle, on the other hand, figures that Rumpel was merely summoning her for an Underworld Booty call and is pleased as punch. She runs off to the library to meet up with him, because Library Sex in Hell is super sexy. Plus, since people in Hell are probably more literate than people in Storybrooke, some of the books may have real words in them.

At the library Rumpel shares some bad news for Belle, “I only brought you to Hell by accident,” followed by some good news, “You are preggars,” and some more bad news, “But I bargained our baby away to the Lord of the Underworld,” and still more bad news, “P.S. I’m the Dark One, and I’m always kind of going to be an awful sociopath who murders people, so I hope you likely real bad boys.”

It’s a lot of information for Belle to take in at once. Fortunately, it looks like she’s going to rot in here for the rest of eternity, so she has plenty of time to mull it all over!

Babes in the Woods

Because they clearly have not been paying attention to the show for the past five seasons, when Zelena reunites with the rest of the Once crew, she is easily able to manipulate them into thinking she will cooperate with them, only to screw them over and steal her baby from them.

Speaking of Zelena and Hood’s baby? Did I mention that Robin Hood never got around to naming her, because he claims that he doesn’t “know” her yet? This . . . even though the kid has a full set of teeth and looks to be over a year old. Zelena suggests the kid be named Pistachio, which would make her fit right in with all those weird-named celebrity kids, and would be way better than the “Hey You with The Dirty Diaper,” which is how she’s been referred to thus far in life.

Even though she’s weirdly enough, become, by default, the best parent in this episode, Zelena begins to question her parental duties when the use of her evil magic scars her baby. (How’s that for a metaphor?) What’s worse, since Zelena fears Hades’ wrath, she’s forced to hide out alone in a cabin in Hell, where she has to take care of her kid by herself, and she still doesn’t even known which bottle to use to feed her.

This time, when the Oncer’s find Zelena, she’s ready to give up the child so that she’ll have a better future with her dad who left her for dead to rescue someone’s boyfriend, and who still refers to her as “What’s her name?”

Speaking of Robin Hood, remember how he still has another kid? The cute one who likes ice cream, and is probably in his mid-twenties by now? What the heck happened to that guy?

Strangers in the Night

At the end of the episode, Zelena finally meets up with Hades, and, contrary to being pissed at her for dumping his ass, the guy actually designed the entire concept of the Underworld in her honor. Now, Zelena can have a crappy red-hued knockoff of the land her sister created!

“Geez! If I knew you still wanted to jump my bones and weren’t trying to kill me, I probably wouldn’t given up my kid so fast to the folks who couldn’t even be bothered to name her,” Zelena admits.

“So, we’ll murder them all, and get your baby back together. It will be just like old times,” Hades insists.

“Nah, thanks, but I think I need to ride solo, at least for now,” Zelena admits tearfully. “The truth of the matter is, I have kind of low self-esteem, due to the whole Green Face Thing. And I feel like your True Love after knowing me for twenty minutes came about too fast. So, it’s more likely that you’re playing me once again, because you are this season’s Big Bad.”

“Fair enough,” responds Hades. “I’ll wait for you, anyway. It’s not like I exactly have ladies knocking down my door. It’s the creepy CGI Hair thing. Ladies find it a turn off. I’m not sure why. Probably because it burns their nipples off when we are fooling around . . .”

And that was Once in a nutshell. Next week, Gaston emerges in the Underworld to pay tribute to what, in my opinion, is most underrated, unintentionally homoerotic, Disney song ever . .

 

See you then!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

ONCE UPON A TIME: An Easter Bromance (S5: Ep 15 Recap)

Seriously? What’s up with the hats? Don’t they constantly fall off and into your face, when you are trying to steer? Do a family of parrots live in them?

Take a break from biting the heads off the chocolate bunnies in your Easter Basket to come on a high seas journey, where the water is always choppy, everyone smells like mildew, and no one knows how to steer. But hey, we’ve got brothers with dorky hats and Irish accents. Totally worth the seasickness / possible death by drowning, right?

Happy Easter, Oncers! This week’s installment of Once is all about that special bond that exists between siblings. Brothers . . . can’t live with them, can’t watch them fall feet first into the depths of Hell, while they are still wondering whether you are mad at them for committing mass murder.

So slap on some seriously waterproof guyliner, and pray that your sea legs are working, because this is the wettest episode of Once since that one about Ursula . . .

A Skeleton Crew

Before he had a Hook for a hand and love in his heart for a spunky blonde named Emma Swan, Captain Hook was just a young ship drudge with a funny looking pony tail, a penchant for drinking and gambling, and an older brother he idolized.

Hook’s big bro, Liam, at least initially, seems like an OK enough guy, if maybe a bit snoozy. He keeps trying to save up enough money to pave the way for he and Hook to get passage off the ship of the douchebag for whom they currently work. But Hook keeps pissing away the money on booze and gambling (probably prostitutes too, but the writers won’t tell us that, because this is a family show.)

Imagine the kind of things Christian Grey would do with a Hook for a hand . . .

Just when it seems like the brothers Jones are doomed to spend their lives scraping fish guts off the floor for a living, their douchebag boss goes and does this really stupid thing, where he steers their ship into a really bad hurricane, in the hopes that doing so, will help him find this funny looking blue rock that kind of reminds me of what I imagine hairballs coughed up by Grover from Sesame Street would look like.

 

Apparently, Grover’s Hairball is called The Eye of the Storm, and it’s like, super expensive, or something?

Now, before you say that it is unrealistic to think that people would pay a lot of money to wear Grover’s Hairball as a necklace with matching pair of earrings, remember that we live in a world where people pay hundreds of dollars to drink coffee made from cat poop.

The normally docile, Liam is positively appalled that Douchebag Boss is sending his crew into certain death for the regurgitated fur of a Sesame Street character. He is so, appalled, in fact, that he does something his boring ass would otherwise never do in a million years, otherwise. He stages a mutiny.

Then he proceeds to lead this same crew into the exact same hurricane and the exact same certain death Douchebag Boss did. The only difference is that Liam actually succeeds in killing all of them, (except for his brother), and all so that he can keep Grover’s Hairball all to himself . . .

Allow me to backtrack a bit . . . you see, right when Liam is about to save his new crew, Hades appears on the boat. And this, you have to admit, is kind of weird. I mean, how does Hades always know when someone is on the precipice of making a terrible life choice. Is he like one of those people from the State Farm Insurance Commercials?

 

Like a Good Neighbor, Hades is there! (In Hell . . . shoving a poker up your ass!)

Hades knows that Liam wants, more than anything in the world, to captain his own ship (and wear a funny-looking hat that is home to a family of parrots) with his sexy drunkard brother boozing it up by his side. So, Hades offers Liam a deal: sink this boat, murder everyone on this ship except for your brother, and I’ll give you Grover’s Hairball, so you can use it to captain your own ship.

Well, that sounds like a great deal . . . if you are a terrible human being!

Needless to say, Liam takes the deal. And the next thing you know, all his pesky former crew mates and his Douchebag Boss are dead, and he and Hook are on the way to wearing the funny-looking hats they love so much, thanks to Hades, and, of course, Grover’s Hairball.

You’re welcome!

Liam, of course, tells his little brother nothing of his dastardly deeds. And this means that when Liam dies, Hook is still under the glaring misconception that his big brother is the bee’s knees (when, in fact, he’s the bee’s butthole).

My Brother’s Keeper

Back in present day, Emma is trying to seduce Hook, by magicking away all those ugly zombie wounds he’s been sporting on his face this season. Unfortunately, he’s not that into it. (I guess being mauled by a three-headed dog is not so great for your sex drive.)

Whatever the female equivalent of this is, Emma has it right now . . .

Then, Hook’s brother, Liam, pops by to say hello, and proceeds to take a big giant dump on his and Emma’s relationship. (In Liam’s defense, the closest he’s ever come to a real romantic relationship, was that one time when he made out with Grover’s Hairball, following a long, lonely day at sea.)

“You aren’t good enough for my brother, Hook. Because you turned him into The Dark One, rather than letting him die a hero. And if he died a hero, he’d be in Heaven, right now,” Liam explains. “Also an entire hoard of teens would stop watching the show, because the sexy pirate would be gone.”

When Emma confronts Hook about this, the leather pant wearing stud tells Emma that he is not going back to Earth with Emma, after they defeat Hades. Instead, he’s going to stay in Almost-Hell with his brother. Wow, it looks like someone needs a little blue pill to stave off his Big Libido Problem. Where’s Grover’s Hairball when you need it, and does it come in chewable form?

Devastated, Emma heads to Grannys to see Regina, who is 100% the girlfriend to whom you want to turn if you need Tough Love and for someone to tell you that, yes, those pants do make you look fat, and, no you would never make it past the first round on American Idol. Regina scoffs at the notion that Hook would be too good for someone nicknamed “The Savior.” Nonetheless, she offers her once frenemy, now the potential object of her secret lust (maybe, if this show was on HBO or Showtime), some invaluable advice. “You want Hook to start porking you again, convince him to forgive himself for that half an episode where he acted super evil, and wore even more dark eyeliner than usual!”

In other brotherly news, Prince Charming is forced to masquerade as his eviler (translation: sexier) brother James, in order to hide the fact that he’s been snooping around the latter’s workplace. This results in the Prince having to suck some serious face with Cruella De’Vil (who apparently is dating James?, in order to avoid getting caught. (Hmmm . . . wonder if the two of them do it Doggy Style? Get it “doggy style,” because Cruella . . . nevermind.)

Alas, before things get to the M for Mature rated Fanfiction level of random television character sex matchups, Cruella reveals that she knew it was Charming all along. She also lets slip that James has always been jealous of Charming, because their mother chose to let Charming live with her, be poor, and sleep in sheep poo, while she sent James off to be a rich and famous prince / dragon slayer.

Kids can be so ungrateful sometimes . . .

Pride Goeth Before a Fall

While in the forest searching for the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better, Henry comes across The Sorcerer’s Apprentice aka Dirty Homeless Mickey (Obviously, he’s in the forest because he’s homeless. He also probably eats bugs, and uses leaves for toilet paper.)

Dirty Homeless Mickey says his Unfinished Business is that he died before he got to boss around a teenager as much as he’d like, which is pretty much the most pathetic unfinished business since “Never got to touch Grover’s Hairball.” Dirty Homeless Mickey tells Henry that he can find the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better in the Underworld Version of the Sorcerer’s House, but he totally shouldn’t use it, because if he does, Dirty Homeless Mickey will be doomed to Hell for all Eternity.

(That’s pretty much like telling someone “Don’t touch this red button, or you will get a million dollars every week for the rest of your life, and also the ability to eat all the chocolate you want without ever getting fat.”)

Henry, who totally plans to find and use the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better to un-murder Cruella, and screw over Dirty Homeless Mickey, doesn’t initially tell his family about the Pen’s Existence. He does, however, tell them that that the Sorcerer’s House probably has a Storybook in it (with only pictures and no words, so all the characters can understand it), which will probably inform them of Hades’ origin story / weakness, so they can defeat him.

While the rest of the family is distracted searching for the Book with No Words, Henry uses a little reverse psychology on his moms to get some alone time to run around the house to find the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better.

Meanwhile, after being threatened by Hades that if he doesn’t destroy the pictures of Hades’ Deep Dark Secrets in the Book without Words, he’ll tell Hook about that one time in Ship Camp, when Liam killed all those dudes for a hairball, Liam betrays the Oncers, by destroying all the pages containing pictures of Hades, as instructed.

But then, Emma catches Liam in the act, and confronts him about it, all because Liam didn’t wash his hands after ripping the pages out of the book, and now has ink all over them. Eventually, Hook finds out about Liam’s lie. Also now in the know about Liam’s dirty fingers? The entire crew of men Liam killed, Douchebag Boss included, who all just so happen to be in the Underworld too!

And the moral of this story? Always wash your hands thoroughly after the commission of petty crimes, also before making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Anywhoo, Liam’s crew pushes him to the edges of Hell and wants him to “walk the plank” into it. But then Hades saves him, and forces Douchebag Boss to go to hell instead, which, let’s face it, was probably where he belonged in the first place.

Then, Hades screws up, by threatening to, once again, send Hook to Hell. Obviously, Liam, wracked with guilt over his past misdeeds, is not going to let his little brother die due to his mistakes. And so, he sacrifices himself for his brother, earning his forgiveness just moments before he falls into oblivion . . . onto a really small boat . . . bound for Heaven, which is now where he belongs, because his unfinished business with his baby bro is now finished.

The bad news is that he’s got to ride there with all those people he killed, whose unfinished business was not knowing who was responsible for their deaths. Now they know . . .awkward. Also, the boat has no bathroom, so hopefully the water way trip to Heaven from the underworld is super short.

After making amends with his brother, Hook decides to forgive himself for the fifteen minutes of an episode where he was The Dark One, wore extra guyliner, and acted like a HUGE ASSHOLE. He then reunites with Emma, and tells her that he’s totally worth going to Hell for. (Real modest, that one!) He also agrees to return with Emma to Earth after they defeat Hades.

Then, the pair go upstairs and have amazing sex, because, apparently, seeing your big brother ride on a very small boat to Heaven with a bunch of guys who hate his guts is an excellent aphrodisiac.

Operation: Write Stuff Down

In other news, Henry found his Magic Pen that Makes Stuff Better!

Originally, he was going to use it to doom Homeless Mickey to Hell for All Eternity, but after having a nice little heart-to-heart with his grandpa, he decides to use it to just write stuff down about Hades, in order to defeat him . . . Stuff, which no one will read, because the entire cast is illiterate and only understands picture books.

I for one think the former option would have been the better one. Then again, maybe I just have a thing against dirty homeless Mickey’s. They were constantly stealing my mouse ears, back when I was a kid.

Elsewhere in the underworld, Hades retrieves the supposedly destroyed by Liam pages of the picture book with no words, containing all his Deep Dark Secrets, and stares moonily and a particular drawing of him just inches away from sucking face with the Wicked Witch of the West. Weird . . .

Then again, maybe he just really liked her hat . . .

Until next time, Oncers!

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

ONCE UPON A TIME: Knocked Up! (S5: Ep 14 Recap)

This week on Once: a daring rescue goes awry; a reunion between old lovers reminds us just how incestuous this show actually is; Regina gets a new job as a horse whisperer; and a female character’s “secret” pregnancy is revealed by looking at her husband’s balls.

Let’s review, shall we?

“And You Thought Your Mother-in-Law Hated You,” by Emma Swan

Congratulations, cast members of Once, there is now a new way to die on this show that is arguably worse than being turned into a giant purple fart, because you drank some bad water, or tugged too hard on a sword.

According to Hades, there’s this River of Lost Souls, which, if you touch it, turns you into those giant wads of sperm from The Little Mermaid . . .

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, Death by Eternal Spermdom is way worse than Death by Purple Fart. Because, at least as a purple fart, you get to disappear! I mean, sure, your scent lingers for a few terrible moments, but after that, you’re off the hook. Being an immortal sperm that never gets to fertilize an egg, is like spending an eternity hearing that awful knock-knock joke about the banana, and never getting to the punchline, where it mercifully turns into an orange.

Anyway, Hades is super mad at Hook for refusing to damn three of his friends to an eternity in the Underworld, so he gets back at him, by stringing him up and dangling him precariously over Sperm River!

Elsewhere, things are looking up a bit, because after weeks of searching, Emma has finally figured out where Hades is hiding Hook. All she has to do is hold hands with a dead person, so she can get there, which should be super easy, because almost everyone in the Underworld is dead, giving her plenty of hands to chose from. Of course, Rumpel, being Rumpel decides to choose the hand of his ex-wife Milah, because he’s a masochist.

Milah’s job in the Underworld is that of crossing guard, probably because no one is more qualified to keep small children from getting run over by buses, than the woman who went to a bar to get laid, while her only son was dying of a snake bite . . . (Fortunately, all the kids here are already dead, so, the risk factor is kind of low.)

As it turns out, Milah’s unfinished business is that she feels shitty about what an awful parent she was. So, she agrees to help Rumpel save Hook, if it means possibly being able to earn some good karma points not at all related to parenting.

Once on board with the whole “Holding Hands Plan” (If Henry was in this episode, he’d call it: Operation Ring Around the Rosey), Milah meets for the first time the love of her son’s life, and mother of her only grandchild, Emma, who also happens to be the love of Milah’s ex boyfriend, Captain Hook’s, life.

(It’s too bad Emma never slept with Rumpelstilstkin, because then things could have been REALLY awkward.)

The blonde earns some points with Milah though, by telling her that her son Neal is in Heaven, and if she plays her cards right, she can meet him there, and apologize to him for being The Absolute Worst.

Emma is surprised to learn that the Portal to Hell is actually in the Alt World version of her basement, which is probably why, whenever she does laundry down there, she comes back missing at least one sock. (All uncoupled socks go to Hell. Everyone knows that.)

While Emma rushes into Hell to save Hook from becoming Sperm 4 Life (which would be a great name for a band, I think), Milah and Rumpel wait outside. And that’s where Hades finds them . . .

Quite Possibly, the Real Reason I’m An Only Child . . .

Personal aside: I was an only kid. Don’t feel bad for me, or anything. It meant I always got to bring a friend along on family vacations, and I never had to share my toys. (Sharing is for suckers.)

But still, sometimes I wondered why I never had any brothers or sisters. Occasionally, I’d even ask my parents. “Ask your mother,” said my dad. (It was the exact same response he gave, when I asked him why he had a package of “balloons” in the drawer of his nightstand.)

“It’s because you were so perfect, we didn’t need another baby,” said my mom.

Clearly, that’s not true. I mean, have you read my recaps? I’m kind of a jerk.

Now, thanks to Once, I know the real reason. It’s gotta be the same reason Baelfire/Neal was an only kid . . . my dad must have made a deal with some creepy clown face guy, in order to save my life! It all makes so much sense now.

But enough about me, let’s go back in time to before Rumpelstiltskin hired a fabulous stylist . . .

. . . back, when he was just some schlub, whose kid liked to hang out with deathly poisonous snakes. (When you are an only child, “friends” can be a very broad concept.)

So, the deathly poisonous snake took a little bite out of young Neal / Baelfire, and suddenly, he has 24 hours to live.

(Well, this isn’t a very intriguing backstory, I think to myself. We know Neal / Baelfire is going to live, because he grows up to pork Emma in the back of her yellow Beetle car, so she can give later birth to Henry, while incarcerated, and then proceed to forget about him entirely for ten years. But wait . . . there’s more.)

So, Rumpel and his then wife, Milah, go to a healer to save Neal / Baelfire. And he’s this weirdo, who lives in a tent, and kind of looks like the fat guy from the band, Kiss. “I have a bottle of green goo that can save your son,” explains Fat Guy from Kiss. “But it’s going to cost you a $100.”

Now, this was before the time of Obamacare. So it’s not like Rumpel had mandatory health insurance, and could simply ask for a less expensive, generic, version of the green goo, that was covered under his plan, cost way less, but had way worse side effects. Rumpel also didn’t have $100. And that’s when Milah decided that Rumpel should kill the Fat Guy from Kiss, and steal his green goo.

While Rumpel is busy attempting to off the guy who fittingly brought us the song “Heaven’s on Fire,” Milah is at the local bar getting shitfaced, because, “Feminism?”

While at the bar, Milah meets Captain Hook, and wants to hit that so hard, which is totally understandable, because, well, look at him . . .

. . . but kind of makes me wonder where her dying kid is during all of this.

Rumpel ends up chickening out, and doesn’t kill the Fat Guy from Kiss. But the Fat Guy takes pity on him, and gives him the green goo, in exchange for the promise of his second born child. Why? I don’t know! But the weird guys with the face paint in these fairytales always seem to be wanting to get their mitts on other people’s kids.

Rumpel comes home, cures Neal / Baelfire with the green goo, and excitedly tells Milah the good news. Milah, however, is super bummed out that she doesn’t get to hide a dead body, which has always been on her personal bucket list. Also, she’s mad that she can’t have another baby to leave dying in a hut, while she goes off to get wasted and bone sexy pirates . . .

Later on, once Rumpel has hired his stylist, and becomes the fabulously evil guy we know and love, he kills the Fat Guy from Kiss, and then heads off to Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day. (See what I did there?)

All Dogs Go to Heaven, But Horses? Meh!

Regina and Snow White don’t have much to do during this episode, so they decide to seek out Regina’s ex-boyfriend, who briefly became Frankenstein’s monster. Cruella, who is apparently the new Mayor of the Underworld, now that Regina’s mom is its new florist, offers to help, because she doesn’t have much to do during this episode either. She explains to Regina that if ex boyfriend Daniel’s gravestone is tipped over, it means he’s in Heaven, but if it’s cracked, it means he’s in Hell.

Regina finds the gravestone, and is thrilled to see it turned over. (Mostly, because she has a new lover now, and running into an ex, who may or may not be a murderous monster, would be super awkward.) Regina is so happy, in fact, that when she sees an injured horse, she uses the magic she thought she had lost to cure it! (This was undoubtedly the writers’ way of making up for all the animal cruelty and doggy murder in last week’s episode . . .)

No word on what the horse’s unfinished business was, but I like to think it was because he came in second in the Kentucky Derby, and is super disappointed with his performance . . . Horses can be really Type A about those kind of things.

Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming . . .

Back in Hell, Hades cuts a deal with Rumpel. All he has to do is kill Milah and destroy a boat that is the cast’s ticket out of the Underworld, and he can return to Storybrook to be with Belle. So, Rumpel betrays his friends (AGAIN), and turns his ex-wife into Giant Sperm, which, if nothing else, is a really great way to get closure on a bad relationship.

On the bright side, if Milah just keeps swimming, there’s a really good chance she can Find Nemo.

In Grave Danger

With Hook now safely by her side, Emma decides to get on with the plan to split her heart into two, so Hook can take half of it, and use it to return from the dead. But when a newly re-magicked Regina tries to remove Emma’s heart, it won’t budge. Why?

It turns out that Emma is technically dead now too. See, when Hook refused to choose for Hades three souls to banish to the Underworld, Hades chose for him. And the winners are: Emma, Regina and Snow White.

This might be a good time for Snow White to decide she’s drippy Mary Margaret again. It could be her Get Out of Hell Free Card, just saying.

Hit Me With a Baby One More Time

Rumpel returns to Hades eager for the latter to make good on his part of the bargain to send Rumpel home. But Hades has other plans, plans that involve Rumpel’s balls. You see, early in the episode, Rumpel used one of his balls to spy on Belle, but broke it in the process. Now, at the end of the episode, Hades uses another of Rumpel’s balls to spy on Belle again, this time revealing she’s pregnant!

(This is super good news for the actress who plays Belle, who also happens to be pregnant. This means the character doesn’t have to spend nine months hiding behind tables and “carrying heavy boxes” to hide her increasingly growing baby bump.)

But here’s the clincher. The Fat Guy from Kiss is in the Underworld, and Hades has bought out the contract he made with Rumpel for his second born. This means that Rumpel has to do Hades bidding, or else Belle’s baby will have to get really used to wearing the color red, and eating his or her baby food with a pitchfork . . .

Until next time, Oncers!

Cross-posted on Happy Nice Time People.

 

ONCE UPON A TIME: GO TO HELL! (Season 5 – Midseason Finale Recap)

The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions . . . also with these schmucks.

The moment we’ve been waiting for all season has finally arrived: a Showdown between all the World’s Biggest Assholes and Emma Swan, with her old lady bun and effed-up eyebrows! It’s an epic battle of Good versus Evil . . . or, rather, Evil versus Slightly Less Evil? But first, we have to learn about Captain Hook’s daddy issues.

Let’s review, shall we?

Papa Don’t Preach . . . or Age

It should be no surprise to anyone who knows anything at all about genetics that Hook’s dad is kind of hot . . . also that he’s kind of a dick. From a flashback, we learn that, on the night of a big storm, Captain Hook’s pop (Guyliner Senior) told Baby Guyliner to be courageous and a good man. He said this literally minutes before abandoning his and his brother’s ass in the middle of the night, and selling Baby Guyliner and Baby Guyliner’s Brother into slavery, basically.

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, or because I’m a terrible person, for that matter. But, by all means, feel free to hate me because I have stupid hair.”

Now, I know we shouldn’t give Captain Hook a free pass on the whole “mass murderer, who rapes and pillages on the regular” thing, just because his dad was kind of a douchebag to him growing up. But you have to admit, as far as fairytale characters’ sh*tty upbringings go, Hook’s kind of ranks up there as one of the worst . . . right behind the guy who hated his parents so much, he decided to turn into a creepy insect, rather than hang out with them . . .

Also, Hook is sexy. And we give all kinds of free passes to sexy people in this world because of hormones. Damn those pesky hormones!

Sometime later Evil Queen Regina picks up a now adult Hook, in her sexy black carriage, and hits on him SO HARD! (Seriously, Regina, you may want to play it a little cooler, in the future. Guys don’t like it when girls seem too desperate.) As it turns out, the Queen wants to hire Hook to kill her mother, but only if Hook can prove he’s a big enough dick to get the job done.

“Major Dick, at your service!”

“Come into my dark carriage and show me your big . . . I mean, what a big dick you are,” Regina insists, as Hook gamely follows her into the Carriage of Lust.

So, of course, at this point in the episode, I’m getting very excited because I’m thinking. “OMG! They are totally going to bone! Regina and Captain Hook are going to have Evil Angry Carriage Hate Sex! This is going to be the hottest thing ever.”

“I wouldn’t have preempted the episode, if I new there was a chance there would be hot sex in it.”

Then, I remember that this is 8 p.m. on ABC (actually slightly after 8 p.m., thanks to Obama and some scary terrorists), and my excitement wilts like that flower Belle always used to stare at to see if Rumpelstiltskin was still in a coma, or had finally croaked.

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/m4e1v

In actuality, Regina wants Hook to kill HIS dad, who, thanks to a “sleeping curse,” (and the fact that male actors of above average attractiveness, by TV law, cannot just appear in one scene of a television episode) hasn’t aged a day since he sold his sons into slavery to some old guy.

“Hi dad! Thank you for giving me sexy genes, but no thank you for giving me douchebag genes. Also, no thank you for making me grow up as a slave to someone old and unattractive. Mind if I murder you?” Hook asks his father.

“I wouldn’t mind all that much, actually,” replies Guyliner Senior, “I mean, I’m already like a 1,000 years old, so I kind of feel like I should give some other hot people a chance to do the whole living thing. Also, I’m a good person now, because of love and stuff.”

“Because you loved my mother?” Hook inquires.

“No, of course not. I hated that b*tch,” explains Guyliner Senior. “I’m talking about some other random lady, whose name I never mention, who is conveniently deceased . . . also my new son, who I love more than you, and who I named after your dead brother, who P.S. I also loved more than you.”

“OK, well, you’ll be happy to know that, your painful lack of love for me notwithstanding, I’ve decided not to kill you,” Hook offers magnanimously. “I just have to pretend I killed you, so that Regina will know I have a big enough dick . . . I mean . . . that I am a big enough dick to murder her mother. So, you have to leave town tomorrow. I’ll get you transit papers.”

“Can you also get them for the son I love more than you?” Guyliner Senior inquires, because he’s the kind of guy who has to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“That’s kind of pushing it, but OK,” Hook allows.

That night, Hook goes to give Guyliner Senior and Guyliner Senior’s son, who Guyliner Senior loves more than Hook, transit papers, when he overhears Guyliner Senior giving Son He Loves More the exact same speech he gave Baby Guyliner at the beginning of the episode about being a good person and all that jazz.

“I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided that I’m going to kill you, because you have limited oratory skills, and are the human equivalent of a bad television rerun, basically. Seriously, who has been on earth for 1,000 years, and can’t come up with at least two different speeches to say to his various offspring? You don’t deserve to live.”

“Why? Because you believe that my giving the same speech indicates that I’m still the same douchebag I was at the beginning of the episode, and haven’t really changed at all, despite my telling you that I have?” Guyliner Senior asks.

“No! Because you are clearly a moron. And all morons must die,” answers Hook, before stabbing his dad to death, thereby ensuring that Son He Loved More will also have a very good excuse to grow up to become a Super Big Dick, and not in a good way, either.

The Mosquito Bites of Doom

Back in Storybrooke, all the Dark Ones from the Beginning of Time a.k.a. The Asshole Brigade, run around town and very efficiently touch all the main characters of the show (who aren’t Emma, Belle and Baby Neal) and give them what appears to be either a really gnarly mosquito bite / hickey on each of their arms.

“That mosquito bite/ hickey thing we have on our arms means we are all going to Hell,” insists Rumpel.

“That seems a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Snow inquires. “The last time I had a mosquito bite I just went to the medicine cabinet and got out the Benadryl.”

“And the last time I got a hickey on my arm, it was because Snow drank too much red wine at dinner and mistook it for my neck,” adds Prince Charming.

“I can’t help it if you have thick wrists . . .”

“These aren’t just any mosquito bites / hickeys,” insists Rumpel. “They are mosquito bites / hickeys of doom!”

“Hey, if we are all in Hell together, anyway, won’t everything pretty much be exactly the same as it is now, except the parties will be way less lame?” Henry asks.

“Pretty much,” offers Rumpel. “But it’s the season finale, so the stakes need to be higher, and we all need to act like we’re going to die, rather than just temporarily relocate to a new land, like we do every season.”

Apocalypse Meh!

Snow and Co. look in some picture books for about five seconds to see if there is anything in there about “Not going to Hell.”

When they don’t find anything relevant, they decide to do what most of us would do, if we were told we had to take a permanent vacation to Hell. They stuff their faces (because everyone knows that dead people don’t get fat), and stare lovingly at one another to the tune of cheesy music (because there is no cheesy music in Hell, which really sucks for people like Snow and Henry, who think cheesy music is the bees’ knees).

Meanwhile, Zelena is threatening to make her Rape Baby with Robin Hood evil, while Regina and Robin are in Hell, so Regina decides to magic that witch back to Oz, something she should have done about ten episodes ago.

“I’ll be back,” threatens Zelena, as she floats away.

Sure you will, Zelena. Because Once recycles villains and plot lines the way I recycle my favorite pair of underwear (after it’s been washed, of course).

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

ONCE UPON A TIME: Thanks for the Memories! (Recap: S:5, E: 10)

“Arts and crafts projects are fine Christmas presents to give to your parents when you are five, Emma. But now that you are an adult, we were kind of hoping you’d be like that nice girl in the commercials, and buy us both matching, his and hers, Lexuses for the holidays.”

 

It’s the episode we’ve waited two weeks to see, Onceies! (Not because it was a particularly good episode, just because it aired a week late. So, we literally had to wait one extra week to see it.) After a summer of flashbacks, and flashforwards that danced around the issue, the writers of Once finally coughed up the missing piece of the puzzle regarding That Thing That happened in Camelot That Turned Emma and Hook into Raging Assholes!

Also, this week on Once . . . wait . . . there was no “also,” that was pretty much it.

Let’s review shall we?

Hello Darkness, My Old (Annoying) Friend

Like my new outfit? I call this style, ‘Unibomber Chic’

Emerging from the sewers amidst a pile of black dog poopy like sludge, while clad in a greasy hoodie and kind of resembling a Unibomber, or a Ninja Turtle, a newly anointed Dark One Captain Hook returns to Camelot, reborn. Needless to say, he’s not in the greatest of moods. (But hey, you’d act like kind of an asshole too, if you emerged from a sewer covered in dog poopy.)

Congratulations, Captain Hook! You’ve just been gifted with multiple personality disorder, just like Asshole Emma! (And it’s the gift that keeps on giving!) Hook’s new personality, Rumpelstiltskin, has some great ideas for Hook on how he can make the best use of his new status as Co-Biggest Asshole on the Planet. For starters, he can kill Rumpelstiltskin . . . not multiple personality disorder Rumpelstiltskin that’s sitting inside Captain Hook’s literally dirty mind, mind you . . . but rather, the real Rumpelstiltskin, who is currently back in Storybrooke in a coma.

Really, Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel? Captain Hook is now the co-most powerful dark wizard in the world, and you want him to celebrate that, by murdering an old, incapacitated and possibly incontinent guy (I never did figure out how the whole going to the bathroom thing works, when one is in a coma?). You can do better than that!

Anyway, Dark One Emma and her crazy eyebrows pop by to tell Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel to shut up, and stop making a ruckus inside Hook’s head. The fact that Hook instantly knows that Emma is real, and never wonders whether she, another Dark One, is also part of his multiple personality disorder, indicates that Hook has watched way less psychological thriller films than I have.

Anyway, Dark Hook and Dark Emma make out, which causes Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel to temporarily disappear, but only because watching PDA like this from inside a dirty mind makes him totally nauseous.

After all that “gross” making out stuff is done, Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel returns again, but this time to turn Asshole Hook against Asshole Emma. This way, they can’t play tonsil hockey in front of him anymore. Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel does this by intimating that Emma has stolen from Hook the Excalibur sword, and will use it to become his puppet master, because she doesn’t trust him to not do some seriously assholey stuff when left to his own devices . . . like, for example, beating up the old and infirm.

As it turns out, Emma totally did take the sword from Hook, but she’s really sorry about it, and returns it to him, almost as soon as he asks. Cue the additional PDA!

Sorry Multiple Personality Disorder Rumpel! It looks like your PDA Prevention Plan has failed, at least for now. But hey, look on the bright side! It’s an ABC program on at 8 p.m., so at least you won’t have to worry about Hook and Emma boning in front of you.

Oh my God! You Killed Merlin! You Bastard!

Later that day, Merlin is busy preparing his virtual voicemail for the Storybrooke folks of the future (the one we witnessed a few episodes back, for those paying attention), when Asshole Captain Hook pops by to rip out the Great Tree Dwelling Wizard’s heart, and return Excalibur to its stone. “Hey,” Emma argues. “Back when we were swapping spit, not to mention, a likely case of mono, you intimated that you weren’t going to do shitty things like that anymore, at least until we figured out how to un-Asshole ourselves, also how I can tweeze, and/or rid myself of these awful eyebrows, and old lady bun.”

“You stole Excalibur, and tried to control me, so all bets are off,” Hook explains. “Me = Major Asshole 4 Eva!”

“But why are you crushing Merlin’s heart? He’s really hot, and clearly not that big of a threat as a wizard, considering he’s spent the last 5,000 years of his life stuck inside a tree. That’s the kind of crap that would have Harry Houdini rolling over in his grave.” Emma argues.

“But to kill Real Rumpel, I need to get back to Storybrooke. And to get back to Storybrooke, I need to enact a curse. And to enact a curse, I need to destroy the heart of the one I love most,” Hook offers by way of plot explanation.

“So, you are gay, and have been in love with Merlin all this time. This explains so much,” Emma responds. “Your wardrobe, for starters. I mean, seriously, how tight are those pants?”

“No silly! I’m not in love with Merlin. But one of my multiple personality disorders, Nimue, is! So, I get to cheat and kill her loved one, instead of killing you, because you are the main character on this show, and contractually obligated to live forever, or at least until the series’ inevitable cancelation.”

“That doesn’t seem entirely fair. I mean, the whole point of you having to kill the person you love most, in order to enact a curse, is that it requires a sacrifice, thus proving to all those impressionable kiddies out there that all magic has a price. But you are getting what you want by murdering someone who you don’t give two shits about, based on a loophole!” Emma argues.

“Yeah, isn’t it great?” Asshole Hook inquired, before murdering Merlin.

“Wow Asshole Hook, you are kind of the worst,” Emma complains. “Here, stare at this Dreamcatcher, so you forget to act like the asshole you are, deep down, for three-quarters of a season, until I can figure out a way to magically un-asshole you.”

“OK,” replies Hook, as he obediently stares into the Dreamcatcher.

Seconds later, Hook says, “I don’t remember my name. I think I’m a hot actor named Colin.”

“You don’t have amnesia, you moron! You just don’t remember that you are an asshole,” Emma yelps.

“Oh, yeah! Thanks for the clarification,” Hook answers

“Quick, the rest of you, before we return to Storybrooke, stare at these dreamcatchers, so you can also conveniently forget stuff.”

“But we aren’t assholes,” Snow, Regina, Henry, Charming and the dwarves (totally forgot they were here, by the way), reply in unison. “At least not really big ones.”

“I know, but Plot requires you to forget that this happened, so kindly inflict potentially permanent damage on your brains for me,” Emma pleads.

“OK,” the rest of the cast responds, before having their IQ points sucked away by a Native American weaving that you can find in the furnishings aisle at Target for $5.00.

Just a Matter of Trust

Back in Storybrooke in present day, Zelena has put a bracelet on Emma that temporarily removes her ability to use magic, and Hook has dream-catcher vacuumed her memories of his evil plans away. Then, to further complicate things, Hook goes and hides all the dream catchers containing the Once gang’s memories away, while Emma takes a much-needed nap. (Having evil eyebrows and wearing an old lady bun all day can be super exhausting!)

Hook then pays a “Welcome the New Asshole to the Neighborhood” visit with Rumpel and Belle, and invites the former to a fun little “Duel to the Death” aboard his trusty ship, The Jolly Roger, a.k.a The Ship that is a Metaphor for Hook’s Man Parts. When Rumpel astutely notes that this wouldn’t exactly be a fair fight, given the fact that Hook is now an immortal asshole, and Rumpel is an aging cripple, who spent the time he should have been training for battle in a coma, Hook gallantly offers to fight using Excalibur, the only sword with the power to mortally wound a Giant Asshole.

“But I’m still about a million years older than you, and a cripple, who spent last summer in a coma,” Rumpel argues.

“So, you don’t want to fight me?” Hook inquires honestly.

“Of course, I want to fight you. I may be centuries old, but I’m still a dude who thinks with his weiner. And a dude who thinks with his weiner never steps down from a challenge to a pissing contest, especially when that challenge is issued in front of the girl he wants to bone,” Rumpel explains.

“Excellent,” Hook replies. “Enjoy your remaining hours on Earth.”

Elsewhere in Storybrooke, Emma wakes up to learn that the Storybrooke gang is super mad at her for turning her boyfriend into the Biggest Asshole on the Planet, and not bothering to tell them about it. (Besides, Storybrooke already has more than enough assholes running around it. Case in point: Zelena.)

I mean, honestly, how could someone who willingly wears a hat like that NOT be an asshole.

Then, Henry pops by, to throw his mom some major shade for lying to him lots, and mind controlling his girlfriend into dumping him . . . (Note: This sentence pretty much describes every mother / teenage son relationship that ever existed.)

Since no one trusts Emma not to (1) make more people into assholes; (2) steal their memories; or (3) really stink up the bathroom, the rest of the Scooby Gang leaves her alone in the house, with Poor Merida as watchdog, while they all troop off to the library in hopes that they will find a book entitled: “How to Save the World from the Biggest Asshole in the Planet for Dummies.”

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.