This week’s installment of Once is all about The FAM: sisters, daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, evil twin brothers we accidentally turn into sperm. There’s enough complicated familial exchanges in this hour to fill up an entire year of therapy sessions. And you thought YOUR PARENTS SCREWED YOU UP FOR LIFE?
Let’s review, shall we?
Sister from Another Mister
Once upon a time, Princess Regina was super bored in the castle, because no one would play with her but a kind of ugly doll. And ugly dolls tend to be super poor conversationalists. Such is the lot of being an only child, Little Regina. It’s why my parents got me a cat . . .
Of course, Regina is not really an only child. Unbeknownst to her, she’s been separated at birth from her ginger sis, Zelena, who not only has no one to play with her (not even ineloquent ugly dolls), she’s also POOR! (Oh the humanity.)
One day, Regina finds her Mom, Cora’s magic wand and tries to put a spell on her ugly doll to turn the doll into an ugly sister for her to play with, which could be the start of a really gnarly horror movie.
But instead, Regina just passes out from her own magic, which seems a bit anticlimactic, if you ask me.
Suddenly, Cora is super concerned that Regina is going to die from her wand wielding, which seems a little plot convenient, especially since the “magic” Regina attempted was nothing more than a little Bibbity Bobbity Boo . . . the kind of spell Harry Potter could have conjured after about two days at Hogwarts. Nonetheless, Cora is “forced” to retrieve Little Zelena from her spot in Poor Town, so that she can magic her long lost sister back to health.
Little Zelena does this easily, also due to plot convenience, and Regina and Zelena quickly become the kind of friends that little girls of the same age always become, when they both have no other better playmate options . . . like cats for example.
Then, Little Zelena opens Cora’s (wand) box with her magic fingers, which sounds kind of kinky and dirty, but is also a matter of, you guessed it, plot convenience. Regina pieces together that unless Zelena was totally evil (which, by the way, she is, just not yet), she wouldn’t be able to open Cora’s box unless she and Cora were somehow related!
Regina’s wish for a sister came true! She and Zelena excitedly run to tell Cora, who responds by, having Zelena taken away by guards and forcing both Regina and Zelena to drink potions that make them forget one another ever existed. Why, you ask? Because Cora believes that having siblings is for pussies, and that being lonely and talking only to ugly dolls all her life will make Regina a better person.
Cora is on Team Only Child, just like me. Hooray!
Just kidding, Cora sucks. But then again, we always knew that . . .
Speaking of sucks, back in Present Day Road to Hell, Evil Twin Prince James beats the crap out of Prince Charming in the middle of the street, while posing as sheriff (#PoliceBrutality) and then throws him in the pokey, for the clichéd reason every Evil Twin on Every Soap Opera Ever uses to beat the crap out of a sibling who shares their face. He wants Charming’s life!
The only problem is that, unlike Soap Opera Evil Twins, Prince James is a crap actor, one who can’t impersonate his brother for sh*t. To be fair, James easily fools Emma into believing he’s her dear old dad. This, despite the fact that Emma supposedly “has a super power that always lets her know when people are lying.” Fortunately, Emma left her Super Power back on Earth, along with her clean underwear and bras (Seriously, how are they managing so many wardrobe changes? Is the Road to Hell paved with mini malls and Victoria Secrets . . . probably.)
But then, James has to screw things up by pulling a gun on Charming’s friends, hand cuffing Emma. (Dammit James. You were so close to being a believable Charming . . . so close!)
Cruella arrives on the scene to help her beau suck less at pulling off the oldest television trope of all time, but quickly bores of the task, and ends up just doing what she always does, sassing the cast with clever one liners. She does manage to punch Emma in the face though. And seeing as Emma did murder Road to Hell’s resident Dog Whisperer, I’d say that move was pretty par for the course.
Eventually, Charming breaks out of jail and enters into battle with James. The battle ends with Charming throwing James into the sperm water for the series’ weekly Sperm Donation portion of the season.
“Look on the bright side, Dad. At least we will no longer have to suffer from the nauseating indignity of having to watch someone with your face making out with Cruella!”
At least, I think it was Charming who turned James into sperm. Wouldn’t it be positively hilarious if it was the other way around?
As long as James refrains from holding a gun to the rest of the cast members heads this time, they probably wouldn’t know the difference . . .
A Match Made in Hell
Elsewhere, Hades tries to woo Zelena by bringing her to the Road to Hell equivalent of that place you drove to with your high school boyfriend to make out in the back seat of his mom’s old car. You know Hades is doing his best to put the moves on Zelena at makeout point, because he’s doing that thing where he talks really slow, and puts about five-second pauses between every single word he utters.
Zelena is falling for it, Hook Line and Sinker. She seems particularly ready to let those wicked green Road to Hell Victoria Secret’s panties drop, when Hades tells her that all she has to do is make out with him, and they can live Happily Ever After in Storybrooke, while the whole rest of the cast rots in Hell. Smooth pick up line, Hades. Boys, please feel free to try that one on for size, next time you are trying to get laid.
It does beg the question though, what kind of show would Season Six of Once Upon a Time be if the only two characters in it were Hades and Zelena? Here’s a guess . . .
Mother Knows Best
Regina waits up for Zelena, after her date, to try to talk her out of giving up her virginity to the Dark Lord of the Underworld on the first date, because he won’t buy the cow, if he can get the milk for free. Just kidding! Regina’s doing it, because she doesn’t want to be stuck for all eternity in the Road to Hell, while her sister and her boyfriend reenact the 70’s sitcom All in the Family upstairs, only without Meathead and Sally Struthers to keep the comedy from getting too dark and racist.
Zelena isn’t too keen on taking relationship advice from Regina for obvious reasons. So Regina does what any self-respecting little sis who is getting no respect from her sibling would do, she rats her out to Mommy!
Unfortunately, Mommy is a bit tied up at the moment, carrying out Hades punishment of her, which basically involves carrying around pillows in a wheel barrow all day and pretending they are heavy. Fortunately, there’s a Hook for that . . .
And by that I mean, Captain Hook to the rescue!
Mama Cora’s first suggestion as to how to keep Zelena from giving it up to Hades is to make her drink a potion that causes her to forget his existence. If this works, it will turn the second half of Once into that movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, where he keeps having to reinvent their relationship every single day, because she keeps conveniently forgetting he exists every time she falls asleep, which, by the way, is what most of us try to do when it comes to some of Adam Sandler’s movies . . .
Zelena won’t take the bait though. So Cora is forced to take more drastic measures. She allows her daughters to remember their past together, the one she stole from them all those years ago. And then they all proceed to hug it out.
This one act of kindness after an eternity of being the Worst Person Ever on Cora’s part earns her a spot in Heaven, which kind of makes Heaven seem like the public rest rooms in Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC. They’ll let ANYBODY IN!
After Cora goes to Heaven, Regina has a change of heart and decides to tell Zelena to accept Hades proposal, because life is too short to miss out on True Love . . . also because, apparently no matter how much awful crap you do in your life, if you can manage to be nice for a few seconds, you’ll get into Heaven anyway . . .
You Got Panned!
Zelena rushes off to endure some more Really Slowly Spoken Romantic monologues by Hades, when she is captured by Rumpelstiltskin and . . . wait for it . . . his awful dad forever stuck in the body of a twelve-year old boy, Peter Pan.
Oh oh! It looks like “True Love” is going to have to wait another week to blossom inside the Lord of the Underworld’s heart . . . and pants.
Until then, My Dearies!
Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.