This week on the Game of Thrones’ season finale, literally everybody and their mother dies. Selyse dies. Myranda dies. Myrcella dies. Meryn Trant dies. Jagen dies . . . but not really. Arya dies . . . but also not really. All these random army people die . . . really. Stannis dies . . . but offscreen, so we aren’t sure if it actually happened. Cersei’s pride dies, and her hair dies (though, I guess, technically, hair is already dead). Jon Snow dies . . . I think . . . maybe . . . but also maybe not.
In related news, the race to the Iron Throne just seemingly got a lot smaller. (My money is on Bran or Rickon winning the big prize, just to punish us all for never giving a shit about them.) Of course, all this death and destruction begs a very important question. If everyone in Westeros is dead except the person charged with leading it, does the Iron Throne become nothing more than just a poorly constructed chair that’s really bad for your back?
For the last time this season, let’s let the character bloodbath begin, shall we?
In which burning your kid is revealed to not be the lucky charm you originally envisioned . . .
Hey Stannis, the next time you want Lady Luck to be on your side, might I suggest buying one of those fake rabbit’s feet, rubbing the head of a troll doll, or pocketing a four leaf clover. Perhaps, pick up a penny that is face up on the street. Why? Because all these things are a heck of a lot easier to do than burning your child is messy. Let’s face it: burnt kids are messy. Also Lady Luck hates all child murderers . . .
Actually everybody hates child murderers, even, apparently, contract killers with no moral compass, a lesson that Stannis learns the morning after Shireen’s untimely, unnecessary and despicable death, when he is informed that half of his army of sellswords abandoned camp in the middle of the night. You know who else hates child killers? The child killers themselves, like Selyse Baratheon who apparently hung herself out of guilt over her daughter’s death.
Oh Stannis, when the woman who basically referred to her own child as an abomination ends up being the more loving parent, you know you are officially The Worst.
Though, in this particular case, maybe the Second Worst. Melissandre doesn’t seem to understand why people are so sensitive about the whole “Burning Shireen Because the Fire People Said So” thing. She thinks all these lovers of unburnt children are pansies should buck up.
“The snow is melting, and there is a war to lose miserably with your grossly outnumbered, no longer particularly loyal, army. Gosh darnitt! Get psyched,” Awful Meli explains, doing everything to act as cheerleader to Stannis’ pathetic army, but whip out a pair of pomp oms and start doing cartwheels on the bloody floor.
Brienne, you had ONE job . . . well, maybe two . . .
Over in Winterfell, Sansa finally gets the stones to go up to that broken castle on her own, and light the candle signaling for Brienne and Podrick to come rescue her from psycho rapist, ball chopper-offer, Reek-maker, Ramsey Bolton.
This would be awesome, except that no one is around to see it. You see, apparently Brienne got temporarily distracted by the shiny object that was Stannis’ pathetic and paltry army approaching Winterfell, and ran off seconds before the light appeared.
As for the Bolton / Baratheon war, it pretty much goes as you’d expect. The Boltons totally take a big stinking dump on the Baratheons, pretty much murder their entire army in about ten minutes, and manage to make it back home in time for breakfast.
A couple of weeks ago, this would make a lot of people very sad. But now that Stannis is a child killer. Meh!
Brienne finds a wounded Stannis lounging by a tree surrounded by corpses, and calmly tells him, she’s going to kill him to avenge the death of his brother Renly, who was murdered by the creepy Stannis-looking Shadow Baby that grew out of Melissandre’s lady bits. Stannis stoicly accepts his fate like a man, which is odd considering he killed his kid like a cowardly bitch.
We see Brienne swing her Oathkeeper sword hard, and we hear the sound effects that are typically used to indicate “sound of body being sliced open by sword, and innards spilling out like candy from a Pinata.” Unfortunately, the camera pans away right at the moment of impact, leaving Stannis’ actual fate frustratingly uncertain. (They didn’t even use the old “show the blood splatter on the tree” trick.)
Since Game of Thrones has never been a show to skimp on showing the gory demise of it’s main characters, I’ll believe Stannis Baratheon is dead, when I see his decapitated head on a pike.
Until then . . .
Casualties: Approximately 563 nobodies / soon-to-be zombies. (Seriously, how did no one think to burn these corpses, before they could rise from the dead? Have they learned nothing from watching this show?)
Main Character Body Count: 1ish?
Turning a Blind Eye
You know whose death wasn’t at all left open to interpretation? Meryn Trant! That dude is as dead as a misbehaving actor on a Shondra Rhimes television series . . .
As many of us predicted, Arya got her opportunity to murder Trant, by capitalizing on his disgusting creepy pedo tendencies. We see he’s got three ridiculously young girls in his brothel chamber, all of whom he whips until they cry out. But one, whose face is covered with her long hair, does not cry. This frustrates Meryn so much that he sends the other girls away.
Clearly, this is Arya Stark . . . except when Meryn finally removes the girl’s hair from her face, it isn’t Arya at all. It’s the dying of cancer girl Arya murdered at Burgerless White Castle.
Wait. . . what?
Oh, just kidding, Arya was just borrowing that other girl’s face.
Meryn doesn’t actually remember killing Syrio, Arya’s friend and sword trainer, and the guy whose death earned him a spot on the youngest Stark girl’s Death List. But that matters little, seeing as he’s such a terrible human being. Arya reveals her true identity to him, before brutally plucking out his eyeballs (important later), choking him, and stabbing him until he bleeds to death like a stuck pig.
It looks like Becoming No One is going to have to wait until next season. Because this is Arya Friggin Stark, Regular Cast Member of Game of Thrones! And Meryn Trant? He’s Drew Barrymore’s character in the first Scream movie, basically . . .
Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya is returning Dying With Cancer Girl’s face to the Face Store, and feeling pretty damn good about herself, until Daddy Jagen comes to ground her for not delivering oyster-eating guy his poison perfume bottle, like she was supposed to do. (In Arya’s defense, she didn’t actually use the poison on Meryn Trant, so there is still plenty left to go around.)
“Creepy Pedo’s life was not yours to take,” scolds Jagen.
“Whose was it to take then?” Arya wonders. “Is there some kind of list? Because, maybe if the person who was supposed to kill Meryn Trant kills Oyster Eating guy, all will be right in the universe again.”
“Maybe, but I’m going to inexplicably drink poison now to teach you a lesson about not shirking on your duties at Burgerless White Castle,” says Jagen.
Arya cries hysterically at the loss of her “friend,” who made her sweep floors and wash dirty corpses all day, and occasionally kill random people for no compensation whatsoever. (I don’t know about you, but, where I come from, people like that are not called “friends,” they are called “slave drivers.”)
Then “live” Jagen, appears over “dead” Jagen, causing a very confused Arya to do that Scooby Doo thing where she repeatedly pulls masks off Jagen’s face to find out who he actually is. (And even though he is wearing like ten different masks, his face doesn’t look even remotely puffy . . . weird.) The last face Arya ends up seeing on “Dead” Jagen is her own.
This freaks her out so much, she goes blind, probably because her dad never let her watch Scooby Doo, when she was a little girl. If she did, she would know that face-swapping is no big thing! Also, that the Scooby Snacks were actually pot brownies . . .
Casualties: 1 Meryn Trant + 0 Oyster Eating Dudes + 1 Jagen Hagar -1 Jagen Hagar + 1 Arya Stark -1 Arya Stark, + 2 Arya Stark eyes.
You Know Nothing, Jon SnowSam Tarley
If anyone should have had an inkling that all was not right on The Wall . . . that Alliser Thorne’s “you are losing all your friends, Sam,” speech, and Olly’s “Golly gee, Sam, do you think it’s OK if I murder, Jon Snow?” speech . . . were some massive bits of foreshadowing, all adding up to a dead bestie, it was Samwell Tarley.
I mean, last I checked, the guy was supposed to be really smart, right?
“Hey Jon, I know you just came back and all, but would you mind terribly if Gilly, Baby Sam and I abandoned your ass for
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Old Town, so I can learn to become a Hufflepuff Maester, and you can learn to take five swords to the gut, be fake dead for a year, and then miraculously come back to life in Season 6?” Sam asks his “best friend.”
“Actually, I do kind of mind a little,” admits Jon. “I mean everyone REALLY hates me here, and that twerpy kid keeps giving me, ‘I’m totally going to Julius Caesar you,’ looks. To be honest, I’m kind of worried for my life. Speaking of lives, my direwolf saved yours a week or so back, and indirectly helped you get laid, even though you were seriously wounded and could basically just lay there while Gilly did all the work, so I think you kind of owe me one.”
“Great, thanks for letting me go, Jon. You’re the best,” replies Sam, as he Gilly and baby Sam get on a horse, and blow this Wall Watching popsicle stand, faster than you can say, “Shitty Friend.”
“But ummmmm….. I never actually said yes,” argues Jon to no one.
Good friends Jon Snow has left to save him from his inevitable Julius Caesaring – 0
Speaking of shitty friends . . .
One Small Step for Reek, One Giant Leap for that Nasty Biatch, Myranda . . .
After Sansa’s failed bid for Brienne’s help at the broken castle, her luck gets even worse, when she runs into “Myranda, and her trusty bow and arrow. “Hey Sansa, would you mind standing still while I shoot arrows at your lady parts, because I’m an anti-feminist and irredeemable sadist?” Ramsey’s mistress inquires politely.
“Um, OK, yeah, why not,” replies Sansa, standing perfectly still to give her nemesis good aim. (Always so polite, that Sansa.)
“Hey, Myranda, can you fly?” Reek asks.
“What?” Myranda responds momentarily confused.
Reek then pushes Myranda off the side of the building, and watches her go splat on the ground. “Guess not,” he murmurs.
Sansa then grabs the hand of her once-enemy, Reek, and the two jump to safety themselves, away from Winterfell, and Ramsey’s nearby army . . .
Casualties: 1 not-able-to-fly Myranda + 1 Reek – 1 Theon. (He’s baaaaack!)
A Kiss Before Dying
Meanwhile, over in Slutty Spring Break Dorne, Ellaria bids Myrcella adieu by inappropriately making out with the young teen, and young Sand Snake Tyene bids Bronn adieu by yammering on about her pussy . . . and I’m not talking about her pet cat.
On the ship back to Kings Landing, Jamie and Myrcella share a heartfelt moment, during which Myrcella admits to knowing that Jamie is her father, and is totally cool with it, happy about it, even. But if Shireen Baratheon has taught us anything, it’s that sweet scenes between fathers and daughters never end well, and this one is no exception . . .
Suddenly, Myrcella’s nose is bleeding and she collapses on the floor. Back in Dorne, Ellaria’s nose is bleeding too, only she has the anecdote to the poison she’s just imbibed, so she will be just fine. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for young Myrcella Lannister, whose Spring Break just came to a super abrupt and tragic end.
Cersei is going to be pissssssssed!
Casualties: 1 + The inner linings of two nose cavities
Even Dragons Get Hangovers
Meanwhile, over on some grassy knoll, Dany is trying to rouse a very sleepy, worse-for-wear, Drogon, so he can take her back to all the friends she rudely abandoned and left to die in Mereen last week.
Drogon, though, is totally not having it. He’s already done his obligatory “Mommy Rescue” of the week, thank you very much. And now, what he wants to do, is sleep off the unique brand of massive indigestion that can only be caused by eating an entire cult of Evil Sons of Harpies and their creepy face masks.
Then, out on the horizon, Dany sees a tall strapping, swarthy, man who looks very familiar to her. It’s the GHOST OF KHAL DROGO!
Just kidding, it’s a Dothraki warrior, but he’s brought LOTS OF HUNKY FRIENDS.
Knowing a ticket out of dodge and back into power, as the future Breaker of the Wheel of Westeros, when she sees one, Dany (1) deftly drops to the ground and buries with the heel of her sandal the tacky wedding ring she received from her now-dead loser hubby Hizadhr; (2) smiles her prettiest possible Khaleesi Smile; (3) and ventures off to reunite with her favorite band of badass warrior sycophants!
Just make sure Drogon doesn’t burn to kibble or eat your new army, Dany. This is definitely a dragon, who seems like his eyes are too big for his stomach . . . and he’s got a really BIG stomach . . .
Tyrion Lannister for President (and Varys for VP!)
Back in Mereen, Tyrion, Jorah, Daario, Greyworm and Melissandre are kind of sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, because their leader has abandoned them in their time of need, and Mereen has erupted into total anarchy in her absence.
“We should go and find, Dany, because I haven’t gotten laid in about six whole hours and my blue balls are killing me .. . also, because ‘government stuff’, I guess,” offers Daario.
Everybody on Team Dany instantly wants to accompany Daario on his mission, because he’s so sexy. But then the Team dejectedly realizes that someone has to stay behind, and, you know, rule Mereen and stuff.
Ultimately, it is determined that only Daario and Jorah, the two people who most want to bone Dany, will head off in search of her, while everyone else sticks around and governs this annoying town full of cultists, former-slaves with no manners, and generally shitty people.
Fortunately for Tyrion, someone who actually knows what they are doing has arrived to help out with this seemingly insurmountable task.
Hello, Varys! Long time, no snark. It’s good to have you on the campaign ticket!
Eat your heart out, Francis Underwood from House of Cards. These two have my vote in the bag.
Casualties: -1 (Varys returns !)
The Walk of Shame: It’s Not Just For College Students Who Make Bad Life Choices Anymore
Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei is ready to confess to her many crimes (well, at least one of them), and make us all feel better about our own personal Walks of Shame.
Here’s a little lesson that Game of Thrones can teach college administrators hoping to crack down on binge drinking at their universities. As if walking across campus on a Sunday morning wearing a halter top and leopard print pants, or a vomit stained button-down shirt, and hair that hasn’t been brushed since 9 p.m. the night before, wasn’t humiliating enough . . .
Imagine having to do it with this chick, strutting behind you, ringing a cowbell, and repeatedly chanting the word “Shame” at your back . . .
. . while you are butt naked . . .
. . . and shaved bald . . .
. . . and people keep throwing their poo at you, and calling you names that would make a prostitute blush.
I’m guessing a mandatory Walk of Shame like that would have your campus completely bone dry in a month tops.
In all seriousness, Lena Heady is pretty spectacular here. You can actually see Cersei’s pride, stoicism and pride gradually crumble, as she makes the long, humiliating and cruel walk from her cell back to the Iron Throne.
But it’s when she returns home that things get really interesting. Apparently, someone has made Cersei a new Frankenstein friend to carry her around, and, you know, murder people for her and stuff. He kind of reminds me of Hodor, except he’s way less talkative and a much more swankily dressed.
Casualties: Cersei’s pride . . . and her hair, -1 for Cersei’s new body guard, who I’m pretty sure is a dead character (maybe The Mountain) reawakened by science a la Frankenstein (Franken-Hodor?)
Speaking of people I suspect will be awakened from the dead in no time at all . . .
Et tu, Ollypop?
Back on the wall, Davos is screaming at Jon Snow for refusing to give Stannis army supplies to help in his battle against the Boltons, only to learn mid lecture from a completely randomly appearing Melissandre (Seriously, how did she get there, so fast? Flying broomstick, I presume) that Stannis, Shireen, Selyse, and pretty much everyone from that storyline, is already dead anyway.
The letter Jon Snow receives from a gloating Roose Bolton confirms as much.
Then Olly pops by to tell Jon Snow his long lost relative Benjen Stark has returned after four seasons to see him. “Come out and meet your uncle, Jon,” Olly exclaims excitedly.
Oh, Jon Snow. You aren’t really going to fall for that trick are you? The old “Look over there, it’s a bird! Haha made you look” trick? You really do know nothing.
Anywhoo, obviously, when Jon arrives outside there is no Benjen Stark to be found. What he does find are a bunch of bastards led by that Grumpy Ginger Alliser Thorne. They all start taking turns totally Julius Caesaring Jon Snow, and chanting, “For the Watch,” as they do it, just to add insult to Jon Snow’s possibly mortal injuries.
Olly pop steps up last. He eye f*&ks Jon Snow just long enough that you wonder whether or not he’s actually going to go through with his role as Brutus in our little tale. But, eventually Olly stabs Jon too. And it’s that stab that literally breaks Jon’s heart enough to “kill” him.
Casualties: Jon Snow, and any respect I ever had for Ollypop
The last scene of the season is Jon Snow bleeding out on the floor outside Castle Black, eyes open, staring at nothing, which leads me to ask just one question.
Where the f*&k is Ghost when you really need him? Or does the loyal direwolf only save people’s lives when it will directly ensure that they get laid?
I guess we will have to wait until next season to find out. Until then, Westerosians!