GAME OF THRONES: Breathers Unite! (Recap S7: Ep 5)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

Holy exposition episode, Batman! Let’s see, we got the legitimization of Jon’s Snow’s birth, Cersei’s pregnancy, the triumphant return of That Rowing Guy, and Littlefinger getting exposed for shadiness again (possibly on purpose?). We’ve also got characters moving all across the GOT map at implausible speeds . . . folks that haven’t seen one another in SIX SEASONS . . . magically reuniting to spread tidbits of intel like Fedex packages. But most importantly, we’ve got a small, but scrappy, army of randomly assorted fan favorites heading North of the Wall to go fishing for a zombie to give Cersei as an early Christmas gift.

Let’s do thing, shall we?

Bronn is still alive, and he wants his castle, dammit!

In a turn of events that is sure to surprise absolutely NO ONE, Bronn and Jaime survived their Dragon Evading Synchronized Swim Routine from last week. So, they will both live to be snarky with one other for at least another episode.

Bronn, for his part, is too macho to admit to Jaime that he saved his life, because he likes hanging out with him. So, the mercenary blames his heroics on good old-fashioned opportunism. “I’m not going to let you die until I get my f*&king Castle,” Bronn quips.

Aww, don’t be sad, Jaime. Bronn is just playing hard to get. But seriously, after saving your and your brother’s butts countless times over seven seasons, all the man wants is his own uncomfortable chair. Is that too much to ask?

RIP Rickon, Brickon, whatever your name is . . .

Literally across the lake from Bronn’s and Jaime’s Bromantic Rendezvous, a concerned Tyrion surveys the charred wreckage of the Lannister army left in Drogon and the Dothraki’s wake. Meanwhile Dany speaks with the few Lannister army survivors, offering them the ability to retain both their lives and their freedom, if they pledge fealty to her. “Join or die,” she tells the men, more or less.

Most of the men bend the knee without question, because they see Dany’s Dragon chilling out about five inches away from where they are standing, and they aren’t stupid. Papa Tarly though . . . he’s kind of stupid, so no kneeling for him. (Sidenote: I totally recall Papa Tarly getting burned to a crisp by Drogon in last week’s episode. Guess it was just some other old bald guy. Either that, or I’m psychic like BranBot3000, and “predicted” how this guy would ultimately bite it, a week in advance.)

Dickon wants to die with his dad because of honor, or something. Or maybe the poor sexy dumb-dumb is just tired of people always getting his name wrong. Tyrion warns Dany against the bad PR that may result from her effectively murdering the entire Tarly house. In doing so, he conveniently forgets that the Tubbiest Tarly remains alive, well, and shoveling poo over at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive.

But Dany will not be deterred, and so a single dragon burp literally evaporates yet another house on the GOT game board . . . most of it anyway.

I wonder if they pooped their pants before they died?

In which, Lady Olenna gets her dying wish . . .

Jaime eventually returns home to Kings Landing with his tail between his legs, to tell Cersei that they are SO EFFING SCREWED. By way of elaboration, Jaime explains to his sister / lover that the Lannister army has no chance in hell of winning this war against an army of insane Dothraki warriors fighting alongside not one, not two, but THREE GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS.

Cersei, of course, has never been one to listen to reason and surrender, particularly when we’ve still got a season left of the show. So, she changes the topic of conversation to Tyrion, their little brother turned “enemy combatant.” The siblings’ relationship with Tyrion has always been a touchy with these two, one that Jaime would prefer not to broach. But when Cersei casually brings up Tyrion’s “murder” of Joffrey, Jaime reluctantly grants Lady Olenna’s death wish, by admitting that it was the Queen of Thrones, and not Tyrion, who ultimately caused this beautiful scene to occur . . .

Initially, Cersei refuses to believe that Olenna could pull this off. However, when Jaime explains Olenna’s rationale for wanting Joffrey dead (namely that it would offer then-Queen Margaery a more docile and obedient husband to control in her quest for power), Cersei is forced to grudgingly admit that Tyrion was wrongfully accused.

Game, Set, Match, Lady Olenna, from the GRAVE, no less.

Tyrion still gets credit for the whole “killing his dad on the toilet” thing, though . . . which was also pretty cool.

Hi Drogon, I’m home!

After a long day at work burning people’s faces off, Dany and Drogon arrive back at Dragonstone where Jon is patiently waiting for them. Though the King of the North is still a bit creeped out by Dany’s “kid,” he doesn’t want to seem RUDE! So, Jon extends his hand and gently caresses Drogon’s face, because, let’s face it, having all five of your fingers is overrated. Just ask Jaime Lannister!

Interestingly enough, Drogon doesn’t bite off Jon’s fingers OR burn his face! Instead, the dragon gets surprisingly wide-eyed and puppy like, as he moves in closer to Jon for more neck rubs and kisses. (If you recall, Dany’s other dragons had a similarly docile reaction to Tyrion last season.) Is it possible that dragons are actually kind, cuddly, creatures that are just misunderstood by the world at large?

Or, perhaps dragons are just kind to folks with Targaryen blood . . .

Anywhoo, Dany gets a major Lady Boner over this Jon / Drogon exchange, and is all ready to whip out her phone so she can show Jon an entire album worth of dragon baby pictures for him to coo over. “Aren’t dragons beautiful?” The Mother of Dragons inquires breathily.

“Ummm . . . if by beautiful, you mean totally f*&king terrifying, than yes,” Jon replies, more or less.

Well damn, JON! Haven’t you learned by now that it’s never cool to call a mother’s kid ugly to her face? You have to learn to lie better, and fast, or cave sex is never going to happen for you again!

We interrupt this recap to bring you a message from BranBot3000 . . .

BranBot3000 sees the White Walkers in the promo for next week’s episode, so he sends out a group text to all the other characters in the show about his vision. No, seriously, it literally took about ten seconds for the entire rest of the cast all across the Westeros globe to get this information. The Three-Eyed Raven may not have downloaded emotions or a personality onto his server, but the dude definitely has an excellent cell phone data plan with unlimited text messaging capabilities.

In which, Gilly actually tries to say something important, but Sam Tarley only wants to talk about shit.

When the Maesters at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive get the text from BranBot3000 about the White Walkers invading Westeros, they naturally dismiss it as spam. This infuriates Sam, who came to Oldtown for the sole purpose of learning how to defeat White Walkers . . . also because he really likes books.

Sam is so mad about the Maesters’ nonchalant attitude toward the upcoming apocalypse, in fact, that he totally ignores Gilly when she casually lets slip what may very well be the most important piece of information ever to be revealed on this show.

In a book Gilly is reading, one that is undoubtedly titled “The Game of Thrones Reddit Page,” she inadvertently discovers that Rhaegar Targaryen (Jon Snow’s secret father) actually got an annulment from Elia Martell, in order to have a secret marriage outside of Dorne to Lyanna Stark (Jon Snow’s secret mom).

You know what that means don’t you, Thrones fans? Not only does Jon have Targaryen blood running through his veins, he might very well also be a legitimate Targaryen, one with a claim to the Iron Throne that rivals that of Dany, herself.

“I don’t care how many times a day the Maester takes a dump! I want to fight White Walkers, dammit!” Sam responds angrily.

Ummmm, Sam? Just because you spend most of your day shoveling feces, doesn’t mean every piece of intel on this show is about poop.

Anywhoo, Sam and Gilly ultimately decide to leave Old Town and return to the North to join the fight against the White Walkers. And if the new time logistics on this show are any indication, they should probably arrive there in about fifteen seconds.

Family Affairs

The Dragonstone crew also get their text message about the White Walkers from BranBot3000 this week. So, Jon comes up with this bizarre plan to get Cersei to put the battle for the Iron Throne on pause, and join the rest of the houses in fighting the Undead by . . . retrieving a zombie from North of the Wall, and offering it to her as a gift?

(Ummm . . . just because Dany made dragons into her pets, doesn’t mean you can make zombies into yours, Jon!)

Anyway, the plan involves Tyrion meeting with Jaime in an effort to grease the proverbial wheel. The problem is that Tyrion and Jaime have been a bit on the outs, ever since Tyrion murdered Jaime’s dad on the pooper. So, matchmaker Bronn arranges a surprise date for the pair underground, under the guise of engaging Jaime in a Dragon Killing Machine training session.

Jaime isn’t particularly thrilled to see his brother, naturally. And the two exchange some harsh words about their now-deceased daddy dearest. Nonetheless, Jaime brings Tyrion’s request regarding putting the war on hold in exchange for a zombie prize to his beloved Queen. Cersei is unexpectedly amenable to the idea, especially if it means potentially getting Dany alone in a room, where she could murder her. As it turns out, Cersei was aware of Jaime’s meeting with Tyrion before it happened, but allowed it to take place for this very reason.

As if those weren’t sufficient bombshells for one scene, Cersei also reveals that she’s currently pregnant with Jaime’s child. But this time, unlike with her other three kids, she’s going to publicly out this one as the incest baby that he or she happens to be.

Jaime is thrilled by this news! (Because they’ve done SUCH a great job at making children in the past.) He tearfully embraces Cersei, who returns the affectionate gesture, but not before threateningly whispering in her brother’s ear, “Don’t ever betray me again.”

Hey Fredo, I wouldn’t go on any fishing trips anytime soon, if I were you . . .

Littlefinger: Pot Stirrer Extraordinaire

In other sibling news, Littlefinger seems to have caught on to the tension between Arya and Sansa, and has decided to work toward alienating the sisters from one another. The first part of the plan involves having the men of the Vale publicly denounce Jon and pledge fealty to Sansa, while Arya is present. Though Sansa reminds the men that Jon is their King and not her, Arya doesn’t feel she defends her brother’s honor firmly enough.

Arya tells Sansa as much when the two meet in their parents bed chambers later that day. Arya then accuses Sansa of secretly wanting to rule the North. It’s an accusation that Sansa not so convincingly denies.

Later that day, Arya spies Littlefinger doing his Littlefinger thing of creeping around and whispering in people’s ears. So, naturally, she decides to follow him around like the good little stalker she is. Littlefinger seems blatantly aware of Arya’s presence, but that doesn’t stop him from paying off a servant right in front of her into giving him a “secret” scroll written by Sansa. “The Lady Stark thanks you for your service,” Littlefinger stage whispers, before hiding the scroll (rather poorly, if you ask me) under his bed.

Arya, of course, breaks into Littlefinger’s room and reads the scroll. In it, she finds Sansa’s letter from Season 1, in which she begged her brother Robb to pledge fealty to then King Joffrey as the true ruler of the Iron Throne. (And we all know how well that turned out for both parties to that letter!)

Now, as viewers, we know that Sansa only wrote this letter out of fear for her life, after witnessing her father’s beheading. But Arya will likely not see it that way, which, I suspect is precisely why Littlefinger arranged for Arya to find this information in the way that he did.

Did Sansa instruct Littlefinger to retrieve the letter out of fear that it’s discovery would harm her potential future claim to the throne as Queen of the North? Probably not. But Arya doesn’t know that . . . at least, not yet.

But when did he stop rowing?

Meanwhile, Davos is on a mission of his own. It’s a recovery mission. Specifically, Davos wants to recover Gendry, aka Robert Baratheon’s bastard son, aka the guy Melissandre once tried to murder, in order to prevent HIS possible claim to the iron thrown, aka THE GUY WHO HAS BEEN ROWING A BOAT FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES.

As it turns out, sometime in the past few years, Gendry stopped rowing and began forging weapons for the Lannisters, waiting out the war for the Iron Throne by hiding in plain sight. Gendry is thrilled by Davos’ offer to go on a suicide mission to retrieve a zombie, because it’s the only way he’s going to get any more screen time on the show, at this rate. So, The Rowing Guy heads with Davos back to Dragonstone, but not before murdering a couple Lannister guards with a hammer like he’s Thor.

(Naturally, the pair, with Tyrion in tow, make it across the globe in approximately two minutes.)

Once in Dragonstone, Gendry, against Davos’ advice, quickly outs his true identity to Jon, who seems to like the guy almost instantly.

In other reunion news, the newly cured of greyscale, Jorah Mormont has also arrived at Dragonstone. He and Dany embrace fondly and reunite for about five seconds, before Jorah also agrees to kill himself in a zombie hunt with Jon Snow! Because, why not?

The rag tag group of warriors then set off on a boat toward the Wall, right when Dany is finally getting the chance to question Jon about the offhand commend Davos made last week about Jon surviving a knife to the heart, and being just a little bit undead himself.

Hold that thought, Dany . . .

Like The Suicide Squad (only entertaining!)

Jon, Jorah, Davos and Gendry make it back to The Wall in about sixty seconds! There they meet with Tormund, who agrees to help them in their zombie retrieval mission, though he’s a bit disappointed that his lady crush, Brienne of Tarth won’t be joining them.

Also on the scene and ready to fight some dead guys, The Hound, who, if you recall, rented BranBot3000’s GOT DVD, and, as a result, knows all about the White Walkers, and his new pals Beric Dondarrion (another fellow un-deader) and Thoros.

There’s some initial squabbling amongst this rag tag crew of would-be zombie fighters, who have multiple grudges against one another for things that happened in prior seasons. But count on Super Diplomat Jon Snow (who is clearly the Captain America of this Avengers crew) to get everybody to play nice with one another.

“We are all on the same side,” Jon explains to his mini army. “We all breathe.”

The episode ends with the freshly-minted Team Breathing heading North of the Wall, Armed and ready to kick some zombie butt, or, possibly, fail miserably and become zombies themselves . . . whichever comes first.

 

(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

It may be 85 degrees and balmy where you live, but over in Westeros, Winter has returned with a vengeance . . .

That’s right, folks. Game of Thrones is back for its penultimate shortened season. And if this premiere is any indication, these seven hours are going to be pretty darn jam packed. In its just-under-an-hour run-time, “Dragonstone” killed a whole bunch of people (though no one we really cared about, so it’s cool), visited with virtually every single one of its main characters, and featured way more poop than you ever want to see on your favorite HBO drama. Heck, they even managed to throw in a completely random (kind of weird) impromptu Ed Sheeran concert?

Obviously, we’ve got quite a bit of ground to cover here. So, without further adieu, in the fitting final words of Dany Targaryen, from the end of this episode, “Shall we begin?”

Walder Frey Fake?

And she got away with it too, because she’s a meddling kid!

We begin the episode with a character, who, I think it’s safe to say, most of us never thought we’d see again. If you recall, the last time we hung out with Walder Frey. He . . . umm . . . kind of lost his head.

But hey, this is GOT. People come back from the dead as zombies and Jon Snow all the time right? So, why not this old dude, who nobody likes or cares about very much?

Anyway, “Walder Frey” has decided to throw another party for his house mates, even though he just threw one last season. Why, you ask? Because he’s just a wild and crazy fun-loving guy, that’s why!

“There ain’t no party like a Walder Frey Party!”

It’s important to note that something about Walder Frey seems . . . a little off. For one thing. He’s SMILING. I don’t recall ever seeing this character smile. In fact, I wasn’t entirely sure he had any teeth. (You know, because he’s old and stuff.)

Also, Walder Frey has decided to make a BIG SPEECH. He’s thanking all his men for being loyal to him. He’s serving them wine. (But his girls don’t get wine, because EWW girls.) He’s congratulating them on the great job they did murdering all the Starks at the Red Wedding . . . wait, what?

This is the point in the episode where Walder Frey rips off his Scooby Doo mask, and reveals himself to be . . . you guessed it, Arya Stark. In one fell swoop, she’s just murdered the entire Frey clan with a vat of poisoned wine (except for the girls because YAY girls). It’s all part of her extended reign of vengeance against ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO EVER DID CRAPPY THINGS TO THE STARKS, which, let’s face it, is pretty much everyone else on the show.

Arya tells a female Frey survivor to tell all who ask her what happened at this “party” that, “The North Remembers,” before walking out of the castle all cool and slo-mo, like a character out of a Quentin Tarantino movie.

It was a fun scene that left me with just one question. When did Arya, who is probably one of the least verbal Starks, save for Rickon (RIP Rickon) become such a great actress and eloquent speaker? Did they offer oratory lessons at the Burgerless White Castle where she hung out last season?

Then again, Arya did spend two episodes with an acting troupe, which, by Westeros standards, is the equivalent of a degree from Julliard.

Et tu Wun-Wun?

Meera and Bran have finally arrived at the Wall, and manage to gain admittance from Jon Snow’s pals there. But first Bran has to wake up from his nap.

This time, Bran dreams of the White Walkers and their massive army of zombies slowly (but not too slowly, because we don’t have many episodes left, remember?) advancing toward the North. Among this army of zombies is none other than Jon’s loyal giant dearly departed pal, Wun-Wun. It’s a small scene that managed to be both very sad, and very scary at the same time.

In the words of that guy from Jaws, it looks like the White Walkers are going to need a bigger boat . . .which leads me to another question: Do White Walkers even know how to sail?

Sisters, Doing it For Themselves . . . Brothers, Not Too Thrilled About It.

Speaking of the North, Jon Snow, as their newly crowned King ,is rallying the troops to mine dragon glass, and use it to make weapons to defeat the White Walkers. He wants everyone, ages 10 to 60 to be part of this effort . . . including the women. That’s right, boys and girls, Jon Snow is a FEMINIST ICON! We all knew he couldn’t have that great head of hair for no reason!

Some of the men in the crowd balk at this idea. But Lyanna Mormont, that fan favorite, and Tiny Juggernaut of Awesomeness, quickly puts all those dumb boys in their place.

And because she’s probably not going to make it to the Iron Throne, I’m just going to come right out and say it: Lyanna Mormont for President of the United States in 2020! Who is with me?

Speaking of strong women, Sansa is clearly no longer afraid to voice her opinion in a crowd of men. When Jon posits returning the Umber and Carstark castles to their surviving family members, even though the two families recently deserted the North, in favor of fighting for the Boltons during the Battle of the Bastards last season, Sansa aggressively dismisses the idea. She argues that those homes should be diverted to families who were loyal to the North instead. Jon quickly shuts Sansa down his relative’s more draconian ruling tactics, by publicly gaining the fealty of the youngest surviving Umber and Carstark, respectively.

Later Sansa praises Jon’s ability to inspire his men, but cautions him on not being dumb / too trusting like the rest of his family, thereby winding up dead like Ned and Rob. Jon, in turn, not so casually accuses Sansa of being just a wee bit like Cersei, in her new take-no-prisoners attitude.

Off stage left, Littlefinger is just eating up all this seeming discord between the two Starks, laughing maniacally, as he twirls his mustache with his left hand, while mutilating an adorable puppy with his right.

Because Every Queen Needs a Sassy Gay Best Friend . . .

Speaking of Cersei, she’s made a giant chalk map of Westeros on the ground of her castle, so that her and Jamie can play a live action game of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? whenever their hearts desire. Pretty neat, right?

Jamie, to his credit, seems just a wee bit frightened of his sister / lover after the whole “blow up the church and all it’s inhabitants / force your own kid to kill himself” thing. He warns Cersei that if she wants to win the Game of Thrones she needs to make some friends, who she won’t ultimately end up murdering, and STAT.

Enter Gay Best Friend, Euron Greyjoy! He’s the perfect supporting cast member to any Leading Rom Com Queen.

So much sass! So many quippy one-liners! So much shade and so many burns thrown in “straight man” Jamie’s general direction.

This would be the perfect character to provide Cersei with meaningful counsel on (1) how to ditch the recent castoff wardrobe from Hot Topic she’s taken to wearing, since her sole remaining child’s demise, and (2) use contouring makeup to accentuate her cheekbones, thereby maximizing the benefits of her new short haircut!

Those are Jazz Hands!

Unfortunately, when Euron asks Cersei to marry him, she says no. But Euron will not be deterred! He’ll be back . . . with gifts! And everyone knows GBF’s give the best gifts EVER!

Samwell Tarley Knows Some Shit . . .Literally

 

I know you’ve all been waiting on pins and needles this entire hiatus, just wondering how Sam is doing with his . . . books. Right?

Well, I’ll spare you the suspense, anyway. We reunite with Sam at the Hogwarts School for Old and Ugly Wizards to find him shoveling lots of poo. Like seriously, there was an actual five-minute long POO scene in this episode. It was as close as GOT has ever come to a musical montage, but with gagging and poo splashing sounds in the place of actual music. (The Poo Emoji from the Emoji Movie would just eat this shit up, I’m sure! Everyone else, not so much . . .)

“I’m finally getting the media representation I deserve!”

Apparently, when Sam isn’t cleaning bed pans for the elderly, he spends his time staring longingly at a locked cabinet of SECRET BOOKS, and digging into the Spaghetti and Meatballs-esque looking entrails of some dead lady for “science.”

While continuing to make me wish I didn’t just happen to have Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner tonight, Sam chats up a Maester about the White Walkers and how they will most inevitably bring about the apocalypse, yadda yadda yadda. To which the Maester responds that, even when it seems like all hope is lost, the world keeps on turning, and, of course, a franchise as successful as Game of Thrones MUST have some sort of sequel. I mean, no one is just going to throw all that financial away!

So apocalypse probably averted, I guess, maybe?

Oh, and I almost forgot, someone unseen off screen asks Sam about Dany Targaryen’s whereabouts. Then the camera pans toward the heretofore unseen gentleman and this happens . . .

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Jorah Mormont. And either his greyscale has gotten way worse, or he should seriously consider switching to a better brand of moisturizer . . .

In Which Both Sansa and Brienne Swipe Left . . .

I mention this seemingly throwaway scene where (1) Tormund shamelessly hits on Brienne while she’s trying to train Pod to battle White Walkers, while (2) Sansa saltily spurns Littlefingers increasingly insistent entreaties to the dark side, only as an excuse to show you these great memes (thank you, The Nerdist) I stumbled upon, likening Tormund’s and Brienne’s not-so-romance (at least, not YET!) to some of greatest cinematic duos of all time . . .

Speaking of a throwaway scene . . .

It’s Time for a Completely Random Ed Sheeran Interlude . . .

For reasons I can’t even begin to explain, Arya stumbles upon Ed Sheeran (no, I’m not kidding), while he’s giving an impromptu concert in a forest. Ed offers Arya some wine and a dead animal to eat, and asks her what she’s up to later this evening. (Because Ed Sheeran has always had some serious game with the ladies, naturally.)

“I’m going to murder the Queen,” Arya replies honestly.

Everyone laughs. End of scene. I still can’t figure out whether this was actually part of the show, or something that came to me in a fever dream about Game of Thrones . . .

In Which Hound Temporarily Takes Over Bran’s Job For Reasons . . .

“Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memories, of the way we werrrrreeee.”

While chilling with the Brotherhood Without Banners, Hound stumbles upon a cabin where some people he met back when he and Arya were “pals” are now dead. This gives Hound a surprising case of the sads, so he respectfully buries them. Then, he looks into a fire and, for some reason, sees the same vision of the White Walkers that Bran saw earlier in the episode.

“What can I say? I’m the man of everybody’s dreams . . . and hallucinations.”

I don’t know about you, but it just kind of looked like Fire to me. Then again, I never could manage to see the pictures in those Magic Eye drawings . . .

Just a bunch of dots . . .

Dragonstone: It’s Like King’s Landing, Only Dragonier . . .

The episode ends with Dany finally reaching her homeland of Dragonstone. The décor there seems a bit Fortress of Solitude Meets Ikea. It even comes equipped with its very own uncomfortable chair, not unlike the Iron Throne! (Because, apparently, everyone in Westeros absolutely abhors seat cushions!) In fact, the only relatively comfortable looking seat on this entire show was Tywin’s toilet bowl, and we all know how that turned out for him . . .

Worst seat in the house?

Also in Dragonstone, a miniaturized version of that Where in the World is Carmen San Diego map Cersei has in her house. But this one comes with Monopoly pieces, so it’s way more convenient, albeit less aerobic. Dany looks at Tyrion pointedly, and they decide to begin a game . . . the Game of Thrones, of course!

Until next time . . .

 

 

 

 

GAME OF THRONES: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Recap: S6: Ep 9)

“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”

We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .

On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.

I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .

Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled

So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?

I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)

When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .

Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .

If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.

“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”

“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.

“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.

“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).

And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”

When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!

Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .

As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.

With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.

With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.

Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.

Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.

To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .

In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen

At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.

Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.

Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.

“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”

For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.

Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.

It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa

With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.

House Mormont is not amused!

In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .

Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.

After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.

Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .

. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .

What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .

I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .

Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.

Honestly, can you blame her?

At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.

This can’t end well . . .

Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .

We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .

Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .

This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .

To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.

This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.

At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.

Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .

Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?

“I know you are but what am I?”

Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .

Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .

“Here’s WUNWUN!”

Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.

All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . . 😦

We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.

With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!

And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .

And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.

You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!

Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book. Please?)

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

GAME OF THRONES: Hell to the NO . . . One (Recap S6: Ep 8)

This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]

In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .

Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.

Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.

Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!

Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.

“Knock, knock.”
“Whose there?
“Astaphor”
“Astaphor who?”
“Gesundeit!”

Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.

Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?

But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?

Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!

In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey

Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”

Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.

You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!

Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”

The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.

After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!

Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.

If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)

Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)

Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.

Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .

This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)

Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?

Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It

Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.

“XO, XO!”

In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.

Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.

 

Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”

 

Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).

Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.

Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.

Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)

Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .

Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever

 

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?

Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)

After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.

Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .

 

OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!

Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.

 

Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.

Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.

But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.

 

 

But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.

Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.

Until next time, Westeros!

[Buy my book, please?]

 

GAME OF THRONES: Every Hound Has Its Day (S6: Ep 7)

This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne. (Hint: She’s pictured above.)

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my good pal Andre for providing screencaps that are the photographic equivalent of Dany Targaryen’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s magical ab muscles. In other words, they are awesomeness incarnate.]

You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog, Dying All the Time . . .

You could be excused from attempting to adjust your television set, or thinking you stumbled on the wrong channel, when the same show that never met an adorable direwolf or plucky young child it didn’t want to torture, rape, and murder, featured a cold-open (it never does that), filled with happy smiling people, working to the tune of cheery music (it definitely never does that).

Crap! Did someone forget to tell me that GOT was being preempted this week for that live action version of Snow White starring Kristen Stewart and Thor?

Ian McShane is there. And he’s kind of a big deal, British actor wise. So, his character definitely won’t be dead in forty minutes . . .

“He’s got Final Girl written all over his face. Just like I did . . . in that movie where I was gutted like a fish before the opening title card . . .”

Ooh, and there’s another familiar face! It’s The Hound! Remember him? He’s the guy who Brienne of Tarth “stabbed a whole bunch” and Arya left to bleed out on a slab.

Like Grumpy the dwarf . . . on steroids . . .

Ian McShane tells the Hound that he used to play a lot of gangsters, pirates and evil Santa Clauses, until he learned to make love not war and stuff like that . . .

Ian McShane suggests that Hound let go of his anger and do the same thing. But the Hound is just super into chopping wood and hating people to death. So he’s just going to keep right on doing that, thank you very much!

When the Brotherhood Without Banners stops by and no so subtly threatens Ian McShane and his people, Ian doesn’t take it too seriously, until this happens . . .

Omigod! You killed Ian McShane and all those other people we didn’t know! You bastards!

There is nothing like having your entire community brutally murdered, and getting hung from rafters that you built with your own hands, to make you question your new nonviolent life philosophies . . .

“We could have been somebody. We could have been contenders!”

As for our friend the Hound, would you believe he was so busy chopping wood that he missed the presumably loud and brutal massacre of a village happening just two feet away? (That must be some really good wood.)

Logic and existence of ears aside, The Hound is back on the road again. And he’s brought his trusty axe with him. But something tells me that he’ll be chopping up wood of an entirely different sort, this time around . . .

Be afraid Brotherhood without Banners. Be very afraid!

And You Thought Having The Sex Talk with Your Parents Was Bad . . .

Back in Kings Landing, High Sparrow is wondering why Margaery isn’t boning her prepubescent hubby Tommen anymore. “Don’t you find little boys sexy, anymore?” High Sparrow wonders out loud.

“You are absolutely right, High Sparrow,” responds Margaery obediently. “I will most certainly start working harder to make babies with Tommen, as soon as his mother finishes breast feeding him . . . which should happen in another five to seven years.”

Placated by Margaery’s agreement to play Pin the Tail on the Pussy with Tommen more frequently, High Sparrow changes the subject to equally pressing issues, like the fact that Margaery’s grandmother, Lady Olenna, hasn’t drank the cult Kool Aid yet. And if she doesn’t do it soon, she might just be forced to do the Naked Poopy Walk of Shame. And NO ONE wants to see an eighty something year old woman naked!

What follows is a cool scene where Margaery meets with her grandmother under the watchful eyes of the “Shame, Shame Nun,” and though the new queen’s mouth is saying, “lots of super religious culty bull crap,” her eyes are saying, “Leave Kings Landing and save yourself, while you still have your dignity, and your clothing!”

Then, just in case Lady Olenna (and the viewers) are still wondering where Margaery’s loyalties truly lie, the Queen spells it out for us in adorable cartoon drawing . . .

Just kidding! Here’s the real picture . . .

Get it? It’s a rose! The emblem for the Tyrell house! Queen Margaery is not a scientologist after all! Hooray! She’s still probably going to have sex with Baby Tommen though . . .

Both secure in the knowledge that her granddaughter hasn’t actually lost her damn mind (She just plays someone who lost her damn mind in front of the Shame, Shame Nun!), and really, really, not wanting to have to get naked in front of millions of Game of Thrones fans, Lady Olenna decides to take Margaery’s advice and leave Kings Landing. Oddly enough, it’s Cersei, of all people, who entreats her to stay and fight the High Sparrow with her. But Olenna isn’t really buying her erstwhile nemesis’ sudden change of heart though . . .

Aww, come on now, Lady Olenna. Is Cersei really the worst person you ever met? If so, clearly, you haven’t met this guy . . .

In Which Yara Greyjoy Gets Laid More Than You . . .

So, Yara Greyjoy is a lesbian. Who knew? Apparently, the brothel girl whose “tits she wanted to f*&k off” had some idea. (Though, I’m not entirely sure one woman can actually f*&k the tits off another woman, anatomically speaking. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Meanwhile, Yara’s brother, Theon, is kind of depressed. And it’s all Yara’s fault. Because taking a guy with no penis to a brothel, is like taking a person on a diet to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s just mean and wrong.

“I’ll have the 54-piece chicken basket, a trough of corn muffins, and a diet Coke to go please!”

Nonetheless, Theon’s mopey-ness is harshing Yara’s buzz. And without a buzz, Yara can’t f*&k the tits off someone . . . though, as I’ve mentioned, she might not be able to do that anyway. So, like the good sister that Yara is, she forces her brother to drink massive quantities of liquor, while telling him to either man up, or kill himself. It’s pretty inspiring stuff!

Hey Zoloft, I just found the new spokespeople for your next antidepressant commercial!

Step aside, Sad Egg. You’ve been replaced!

One Fish, Two Fish, Blackfish, Blue Fish

Not sure why everyone cares so much about getting control of Riverrun, which size wise, looks to be about the equivalent of four ranch style homes sitting next to one another in a modern-day suburban development. Nonetheless, the Frey army seems super serious about it, because they are willing to kill this guy, Ed Tully, to get it. And Blackfish, who is related to Ed Tully, is willing to let the poor guy die to keep it.

Who has a funny-looking haircut, and isn’t winning any popularity contests this week? THIS GUY!

Fortunately, Jamie and Bronn ride to Ed Tully’s rescue, because . . . wait for it . . . THEY WANT itty bitty Riverrun too!

 

Aww! I missed the charming buddy cop comedy that was the Jamie and Bronn show! How could Blackfish possibly say no to these two handsome studs?

Apparently, pretty easily. Sorry Jamie! For what it’s worth, I think your cool blue armor really brings out the color in your eyes . . .

Little Bear Don’t Care

Meanwhile, over in the North, Sansa and Jon are attempting to build their army with mixed success. Sure, things start off OK, when they procure everybody’s favorite giant, Wun-Wun, for their cause . . .

. . . along with everybody’s favorite ginger, Tormund . . .

But my new favorite Queen Lyanna of Mormont is a bit tougher to sway. Though her house has always been loyal to the Stark family . . . one might argue that Jon (who is a Snow) and Sansa (who is arguably a Lannister or Bolton, by marriage, depending on which season of GOT you are Warg DVR-ing with Bran) are not actually Starks. When neither Sansa’s attempts to flatter, nor Jon’s attempts to impress the ten-year old sassy Queen succeed, Ser Davos chimes in with some serious truth talking. “Giiiiirllll,” he begins conspiratorially. “The Nights King is coming. So you can either fight with us, and be part of the Game of Thrones, with at least recurring character status. Or you can not join us, and become the little girl zombie that got her face blown off in the first few minutes of the pilot of The Walking Dead.”

As with most children and sassy queens, honesty turns out to be the best policy. Queen Lyanna ultimately ends up offering up all her men to the Stark cause . . . all 62 of them.

Ferocious, sassy, adorable, and Wun-Wun though they might be, Sansa is not particularly impressed with Jon Snow’s current army collection. And it’s because of this that the eldest Stark daughter feels forced to reach out to a former friend for help. . .

And though its tough to tell from the blurry snip-it we got to see on screen, I’m willing to bet that Sansa’s “friend’s” name rhymes with Diddle Dinger . . .

Arya Stark: No Face, Excellent Abs

With her former coworker from Burgerless White Castle out for her blood, Arya knows she needs to leave Braavos and fast. She quickly manages to secure passage on a ship to parts unknown, which leaves at dawn. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a few hours too late, because mere minutes after the transaction is completed, this happens . . .

Aren’t really, really ridiculously old people, the scariest? In fact, if there was a horror movie entitled, Oldies, I probably wouldn’t see it, because it would give me too many nightmares. In fairness, the woman stabbing Arya to death in this scene isn’t really an Oldie, it’s just the evil ginger pretending to be one for murdery purposes.

After being stabbed about 85,000 times (enough times to at least temporarily murder Jon Stark) Arya falls into the water, and is presumed dead by Evil Ginger Chick, who has clearly never watched a horror movie in her life . . . otherwise she’d know that the dead always come back for one final Jump Scare in the last five minutes of the film.

But Evil Ginger Chick’s being a moron with poor knowledge of horror film cliches isn’t the only thing Arya Stark has going for her. Apparently, she also has magical abdominal muscles that are immune to massive internal bleeding from multiple stab wounds! Isn’t that awesome? That’s almost as cool as having boobies that are immune to fire like Dany Targaryen!

I’m still waiting to meet a character with a magical penis . . .

Arya’s perfectly fine, y’all! She’ll just need a little stain stick for all the blood on her dress. Maybe she can buy some at the gift shop that’s on the boat . . .

Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book, please!)

GAME OF THRONES: At least nobody died! (S6: Ep: 6)

This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.

While not the season’s strongest episode (or second strongest, or third strongest), “Blood of My Blood” did have some fun and exciting things to offer loyal viewers, like for example the chance to re-experience a porn star version of that little sh*t Joffrey’s death . . .

Also, after last week’s bloodbath of an hour, the Grim Reaper decided to take a well-deserved vacation from the show. So, that was pleasant, I guess!

Let’s review, shall we?

Uncle Ben-jen . . . it’s not just a box of rice anymore

When we last left Oat Bran Stark, he was taking a much needed rest after EFFING UP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, AND FORCING ALL HIS FRIENDS TO KILL THEMSELVES. (Ruining lives is tiring, y’all). In present time, he is still napping to the dreamlike images of his trusty Game of Thrones Warg DVR, while poor Meera is frustratedly attempting to drag his lame ass to safety.

“Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “Ask me that one more time, and I swear, I will turn these feet right around and, we will go home!”

This week’s Warg DVR installment of Game of Thrones is less a single episode of dubious importance and more a fast forwarding of the “previously on” segments from every Game of Thrones episode ever. I get it, Oat Bran. You’ve spent the past few months with an Old Man in the Tree Game of Thrones Zealot, who insists that you watch and rewatch all the most mundane scenes of the show and discuss and analyze them in great detail, when all you are really interested in is the murders and the shots of peoples’ boobies!

So, of course, among the many scene snip-its, we would get to see Jamie Lannister murdering Dany’s daddy, Aerys Targaryen, Mr. “Burn them All” himself. Because murder is cool, and crazy demented old people are always good for a few giggles.

Also, we get to see Oat Bran himself being pushed out of a tower by Jamie back in season 1. This must have been annoying for Bran to watch, because, obviously, he knew that happened to him already.

This “previously on” Warg DVR installment also contained some scenes from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple Wedding, though we’ll get that a bit later in the episode), Ned’s beheading, Dany’s “birthing of dragons,” young Ned seeking, but not getting, any answers about his sister’s whereabouts at the Tower of Joy, some folks making fire, and a whole bunch of stuff involving what Bran’s new man crush, the Night’s King, does in his spare time, when he’s not terrorizing Bran.

“I make this look goooood.”

If you are a GOT fan less like Oat Bran and More Like Old Man (Now Dead Man) in a Tree, I’m quite certain you can find a variety of fan sites that break down and analyze in detail all of Bran’s visions. Like this:

https://youtu.be/Tnf1f4w23Ic

And this:

http://www.thewrap.com/game-of-thrones-everything-bran-stark-saw-in-his-flashback-montage/

But since I’m a bit more of an Oat Bran-type fan myself, I’ll just tell you that there was lots of murder, but minimal boobies . . .

Eventually, Meera gets tired of dragging around a lifeless sack of Oat Bran, and drops him to the ground, just as he finally wakes up from his nap. Unfortunately, this is exactly the time when Oat Bran’s skeleton friends have found him in this not-very-challenging game of hide-and-seek.

“It looks like Warg DVR is about to be cancelled due to increased subscription prices, and because it keeps people from watching any commercials,” Meera says dejectedly. “Sorry about the whole, ‘You Are About to Die,’ thing, Oat Bran. Hopefully, there are Game of Thrones reruns in heaven!”

But then . . . some dude comes by on a horse with a whole lot of conveniently stored weapons in his coat, and he kills all the skeleton things!

It’s Benjen Stark . . . back from the dead . . . kind of!

Benjen explains that he should have become a zombie or White Walker, but the Tree People cured him using dragon glass . . . information which I imagine will come in handy later on this season. Also, we’ve added back another Stark to the show! And everybody wants more Starks . . . unless, of course, your last name happens to be Lannister!

Samwell Tarley: More than Just a Meathead

Back in the hilarious family sitcom portion of the show, Sam and Gillyland, Sam, Gilly and Little Sam (which, you should know, is the actual name of Gilly’s baby, and not a euphemism for Sam’s penis), head to Sam’s parents’ house at Horn Hill. Sam briefly reminds Gilly that her dad is a racist, and a perpetual grumpster, who absolutely hates Wildings, loves hunting, and occasionally sings off-key with his wife in front of the piano about the “Good Old Days” for sh*ts and giggles.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell my dad you are a Wilding!” Sam cautions Gilly.

Then a laugh track interrupts the scene out of nowhere, because we know that’s exactly what Gilly is going to do. And it’s going to be . . . wait for it . . . hilarious!

At Sam’s house in Horn Hill, Sam’s mom, Edith Bunker, is super nice to Gilly, making you wonder how she wound up with an asshat like Archie in the first place. (Maybe his sexy spouting of showtunes makes up for his generalized assholeishness.)

As for Gilly, she’s super impressed by how friggin rich Sam is! He grew up in such a fancy place! Here people take real baths . . . and more than once every two years! And they wear clothes that aren’t made from the carcasses of dead animals! And they eat food that hasn’t been pre-chewed by that creepy wildling guy who boned all his daughters to make incest babies! In fact, within minutes of first entering Sam’s house, Gilly feels a bit like this . . .

https://youtu.be/_nM_-CFRBS8

. . . or maybe more like Julia Roberts’ character from Pretty Woman . . . you know, without all the prostitution stuff.

But then, hijinks ensure at family dinner (as they tend to do on sitcoms like this). Sam’s dad, Archie Bunker, is super mean to him, calling him Meathead, deriding him for reading too many books, and eating too many bad carbs. When Gilly tries to defend her sort-of-boyfriend / husband’s honor, she only ends up inadvertently revealing the one thing she was forbidden to reveal in the first place. She’s a Wilding! (Insert laugh track here.)

Despite all his blustering, Sam’s dad does agree to raise Gilly’s child, and let Gilly stay, but only if she works as his “Sassy Maid with a Heart of Gold,” which, if we are being totally honest, is something All in the Family was sorely lacking.

But Sam’s all, “This is the Sam and Gillyland show! I’m not agreeing to a spinoff series, until I’ve at least lasted on air long enough to get syndication rights.”

And so, Sam and Gilly escape the Evil Archie Bunker together with Little Sam (again, the baby, not the penis), but not before Sam takes daddy’s sword, because petty larceny is super funny! *insert laugh track here*

Stupid is the Head that Wears the Crown

Back at Kings Landing, Margaery (whose hair is looking more fabulous than ever, thank you very much) is finally reunited with her husband, Twerpy Tommen, mere hours before her supposed Naked Shame Walk O’ Poopy.

“Wifey, I am so very sorry, you are going to have to get poop thrown at your boobies today,” sympathizes Tommen. “If only your boobies could have super powers like Dany Targaryen’s. Then, all the poop thrown at you would bounce off your boobies and hit all the poop-flinging poor people. Because poor people are just the worst, aren’t they wifey?”

“You know Tommen, during my time in Religious Nutbar Jail (and by “during my time” I mean “in the last five minutes before you showed up”) I’ve decided to convert to Scientology like Tom Cruise and John Travolta!”

Tommen wrinkles his nose. “But High Sparrow isn’t even a Scientologist,” he argues.

“Oops,” corrects Margaery, “wrong cult whose premises I don’t really believe in, but whose allegiance might be beneficial to my career. What I mean to say is, I’ve decided to become a Religious Nutbar, and you should become one too!”

“OK,” Tommen says excitedly, drinking the Kool Aid, Margaery has carefully packed into his Care Bear lunch box.

“Don’t you want to know why I think you should become a Religious Nutbar?” Margaery asks curiously.

“No, I don’t need an explanation,” offers Tommen. “I just generally agree with the last thing anybody says to me at any given moment. It’s pretty much my only defining character trait.”

Then, comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Naked Poop Flinging Time!

But wait! A hero has come to rescue Margaery from the indignities suffered by his sister (probably because the actress who plays Margaery has smartly included a “no haircuts” and “no poop boobs” clause into her contract).

It’s Jamie Lannister, and he’s on a horse that can climb stairs!

This is almost as exciting as a CGI Dragon that people pretend to get burned by, while staring at a Green Screen!

“Sorry folks, there will be no poop flinging today,” Jamie explains gallantly.

“You are absolutely right,” responds High Sparrow, before laughing malevolently, stroking a fake mustache, and decapitating an entire basket of cute puppies with a single hand.

(No cute puppies were harmed in the making of this recap.)

“I proudly present to you the new Mr. and Mrs. Religious Nutbar,” High Sparrow pronounces, “They are here to remove all your First Amendment Privileges, erase the already barely there separation between church and state, and star in the best shampoo commercials ever made by man.”

And that was how King Tommen and Queen Margaery became card-carrying scientologists . . . oops, I mean that other religious cult thing from this show.

Of course, new Religious Nutbar Tommen has to punish Jamie for “walking up the stairs on a horse.” So he sends him to Riverrun so he can meet up with Brienne and have awkward sexually tense encounters with someone who isn’t his sister . . . um, I mean recapture the land for Lannister ally, Walder Frey.

Back at the castle, Jamie Lannister is soooo done with this Religious Nutbar plotline. “It’s already episode 6. Can’t we just murder High Sparrow already? Surely the show is ready for another Big Bad by now,” he explains to Cersei.

“Not until the Season Finale. Patience, Jamie,” responds an uncharacteristically serene and calculating Cersei. (Haircuts and poop boobs must be really good for your mental health!)

Then, the brother and sister pair have to make out, because, as a rule, every GOT episode needs something nauseating to happen during it. And nobody gets their head chopped off, face smashed in, poisoned until they turn purple, or has their innards pulled from their stomachs, this week, so there you have it . . .

Arya Stark: Porn Star Murderer for Hire?

Back in Braavos, Arya is still watching Game of Thrones porn. (Coach potato-ism must be a recurring genetic trait in the Stark family.) This time, Arya is watching a reenactment of my favorite all-time scene of Game of Thrones: the one where Joffrey gets poisoned by bad wine! (The play scene is almost as good as the original scene. But it would be way better with the purple face, buggy eyes and gaggy noises of actor Jack Gleeson.)

After the show is over, Arya heads off to do her Burgerless White Castle duties of poisoning Pornstar!Cersei’s rum flagon. Shortly thereafter, Pornstar!Cersei finds Arya lurking around and weirdly enough asks her for “notes” on her performance. “You should play Cersei much angrier,” Arya notes. “Also, consider painting Pornstar!Joffrey’s face purple, making his eyes bug out of his head, and extending his death scene for another ten minutes, because that would be awesome.”

“Thanks!” Pornstar!Cersei exclaims gratefully.

“You’re welcome,” Arya replies, finally realizing that maybe Burgerless White Castle isn’t such a great place to work, seeing as they insist on killing the world’s sweetest pornstars. “Hey, I wouldn’t drink that rum, if I were you.”

Like a boss, Arya, knocks the poisoned flagon out of Pornstar!Cersei’s hand, fingers Pornstar!Sansa as the woman who likely hired the hit on Pornstar!Cersei, in the first place, rescues her trusty sword Needle from the rocks, and escapes Burgerless White Castle for good, like she should have done weeks ago.

Oh, I should probably mention that Ginger Chick wants to kill Arya now, instead of just beat the shit out of her, like she’s been doing all season. This probably means that Ginger Chick is finally going to die next week! Hooray for soon-to-be dead annoying gingers!

We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do! We’ve Got Spirit or My Dragon will Kill You!

Finally, over in Dothraki territory, sexy Daario questions Dany about her plan for governance of Westeros, once she inevitably uses her inflammable boobs to take over the world. “Huh?” Dany responds blankly.

In case it hasn’t already been made painfully obvious, Dany Targaryen would make a crap president. But she’d make an AMAZING FOOTBALL COACH! And so what follows, in the last five minutes of the episode, is the best pre-game locker room speech ever . . . not because of what Dany says, mind you. Because what Dany says is the same empty crap coaches have been telling their teams for years, “Work hard for me. You are all equally important members of my team. We are going to destroy our opposition, blah, blah, blah!”

But she does it while on top of a dragon. And dragons, in case you didn’t know, are like chocolate and sex. Add them to anything, and it instantly becomes irresistible.

Until next time, Westeros!]

Cross post at Happy Nice Time People.

[Buy my book. Please?]

GAME OF THRONES: Bran Stark, You Had One Job! (S6: Ep 5 Recap)

“Hey, you are the Night King, right? You are much shorter in person . . .”

“The Door” a.k.a. the episode in which Bran Stark, binge-watcher of Warg-DVR, taker of naps, tree-hanger-outer, RUINS EVERYTHING! Also, this week, Sansa throws some much-awaited shade at Little Finger; Arya watches a porn version of Season 1 of GOT; and the winner of the Kingsmoot gets the medieval equivalent of a toilet bowl head-dunk swirly.

Let’s chat about it, shall we?

Sansa to Littlefinger: “Now I Know Why My Mom Dumped Your Ass.”

Our Little Sansa Stark is all grown up now, isn’t she? It seems like only yesterday, she was blindly following Littlefinger, letting him slide his snaky tongue down her throat, and allowing him to give her a Darth Sansa makeover.

Now, she’s making her own outfits (and Jon’s too, more on that later), has loyal Brienne at her side as the best bodyguard who isn’t Cersei’s Zombie Mountain Dude ever, and isn’t taking any crap whatsoever from the man with the silly name, the even sillier mustache, and an accent whose country of origin changes in every other sentence.

“Do you know what Ramsey did to me?” Sansa interrogates her former ally icily, in a not so thinly-veiled allusion to that Controversial Brutal Rape Episode of the season past.

To Littlefinger’s credit, he looks deeply abashed, horrified, and contrite over this reveal, though its unclear whether this is because he cares for Sansa like a daughter, a lover (ick), or the best chance he has to get anywhere near the Iron Throne.

“You saved my life and rescued me from monsters who tortured and killed my family, and sold me to other monsters who tortured and killed my family,” Sansa rightfully seethes.

Sansa is soooo done with Littlefinger now. She doesn’t need his stupid army, led by that creepy Pee Wee Herman looking kid and his pet bird, thank you very much. And so Littlefinger is forced to shuffle out of the room with his head hung low, and his tail between his legs, like a dog who just got caught scooting his butt across a recently shampooed white carpet, seconds after pooping outside.

But, of course, our Machiavellian antihero still has one more card up his sleeve to play. “By the way, your uncle on your mom’s side (may she rest in peace) has an army that’s recently combined with mine / that Pee Wee Herman-looking kid’s. And both armies would be more loyal to you than your bastard half-brother . . . not that you care, or have any interest in becoming Future Queen of the World, or anything.”

See, that’s the thing about Littlefingers. They are excellent at planting even smaller seeds . . . that grow into massive weeds . . . which end up slowly but surely overtaking and destroying your entire garden . . .

Game of Boners

Meanwhile, over at Burgerless White Castle, that Nasty Ginger Chick is still beating the crap out of Arya, like the one-trick pony she clearly is. “You are never going to be one of us,” taunts The Evil Ginger.

“Why the heck would I want to be you? You spend your life washing naked dead people, and punching the blind, at a glorified fast food joint that doesn’t even serve the burgers with holes in them for which it became vaguely famous. #lifeambitionletdown” Arya retorts, or at least she would if she were me, instead of Nobody, which is not to say that I’m not also a nobody, but she’s a nobodier-Nobody and . . . OH NEVER MIND!

Anyway, Jagen pops by to tell Arya that she’s been so very good at being a blind girl and taking regular beatings that she’s earned the right to try and kill yet another completely innocent person. Hooray!

Arya’s target is conveniently the star of a porno version of Season 1 of Game of Thrones. (She plays the character of Cersei Lickmypenister.)

We know that this is the porno version, because the acting and special effects are really bad, Sansa’s boobs make an appearance, and, after its all over, the Joffrey character gives us a six-second close up of his genital warts for no good reason, whatsoever.

Poor Arya. It’s super hard and traumatizing for her to watch someone play her dad in a porno. Fortunately, his character gets his head chopped off, before she has to watch him get laid . . . the top head . . . not the bottom one. Then, Arya learns that the lady she’s supposed to kill enjoys drinking rum. And, obviously, all rum drinkers deserve instant death by poisoning, so it’s all good. (Unless, of course, it’s Malibu Rum, because that’s my favorite.)

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Them Into Evil Ice People Who Will Bring About the Apocalypse

Once upon a time there were these tree people, who lived in the forest, and were super happy, because they didn’t have to wear clothes, or get jobs, or do any other sucky stuff like that. Then Mankind came. And Mankind was super douchey, chopping down trees, littering, making all the tree people register for Obamacare . . .

So, the tree people did what any environmental extremist hippies would do in such an untenable situation. They turned Mankind into an army of world-ending White Walkers, by shoving dragon glass in their chests. (Hey, if you had to walk around with a piece of dragon glass in your chest, you’d be pretty grumpy too!)

Think about that the next time you think about not recycling your cans and bottles, and only using one side of your printer paper, MANKIND!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!

Kingsmoot: It’s Just Like the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election . . . But With More Toilet Bowl Swirlies

You know, after watching this episode of GOT, I think the U.S. political system has got things all wrong. All these primaries and caucuses, debates, and fund raising events. It’s all so time consuming!

I say, we just throw it all out the window, and have a Kingsmoot! Think about it. Hillary and Trump could just stand around outside, and tell everyone why we should vote for them. Then, after its all over, we could all go shove Trump’s head in a toilet bowl and give him a swirly (which, by the way, would be a massive improvement over his current hairstyle). Now, that’s what I call democracy!

So, yeah, long story short, no one really wants to be the King of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place (probably because its super humid and perpetually raining) except for two people: Yara Greyjoy and That Dude Who Killed Papa Greyjoy on the Bridge Last Week. (Note: That guy’s name is Euron, which you would think would be pronounced like “urine,” but, unfortunately, it isn’t.)

Some people think that Theon should apply to be king of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, instead of Yara because he has a pen . . . umm, well, because he’s a boy. But Theon’s all, “You know, spending two seasons covered in feces and being referred to as Reek really puts a damper on your political aspirations. I’m going to let my sister Yara take this one.”

Yara seems relieved and pleasantly surprised that having his weiner cut off and being made to wear excrement as a t-shirt for a couple years has actually made her brother a nicer person! Inspired, she gives a nice why I should be QUEEN of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, and earns a lot of goodwill from the crowd.

Then, that Urine Guy comes, makes a lot of penis jokes about Theon, brags about possible future sexcapades with Dany Targaryen, and promises to jail every woman who has an abortion / build a wall to keep out all minorities . . . wait . . . wrong election. Sorry!

So, of course, Urine Guy wins, because Mankind is awful! (Just ask the tree people from a few scenes back!)

To celebrate this victory, Super Humid and Perpetually Raining place has this tradition of dunking the winner’s head in the sea (because there were no toilet bowls in the middle ages, and that’s where everyone peed and pooed?) and holding it there until he loses consciousness. If the victor doesn’t die from this, he gets to be king. If he does die, oops!

Unfortunately, Urine lives. The good news though is that, while Urine’s face is swimming in the toilet bowl, Yara and Theon make off with all his best ships. Take that, New King Urine!

Love Means Never Having to Say: “My Arm is a Zombie and I Have Cooties For Life.”

Meanwhile over in Dany land, She of the Boobies Impervious to Fire is wondering out loud why kicked puppy Jorah keeps coming back to her for more abuse and increasingly painful cases of blue balls.

“The bad news is that my arm is a zombie, and eventually I will turn into one too because I have the incredibly not creatively named, Greyscale disease,” Jorah explains. “The good news is now I can tell myself that the reason you are not sleeping with me is that you don’t want to become a zombie, and not because you find my dad bod, balding head, and withered pre-Viagra weiner a turn off. P.S. I love you, XOXO.”

“I command you to find a cure for the incredibly not creatively named STD you have and come back to me,” proclaims Dany.

“Really? You want me back, because you are secretly in love with me too? That’s awesome,” exclaims Jorah, as he skips off into the sunset like a giddy school girl.

“You know he’s never coming back alive, right?” Daario whispers in Dany’s ear shortly thereafter.

“Obviously,” responds Dany.

“Feel like boning right now?” Daario adds.

“I thought you’d never ask!”

In other weiner news . . .

In Which Not-Melissandre Reminisces with Varys About That Time He Got His Weiner Wacked (Worst Spring Break Ever!)

Back in Mereen, Tyrion decides he needs to make the good folks living there who aren’t terrorists love Dany, despite the fact that she recently rode off on a dragon and left them all to die. To do this, Tyrion wants to hire Melissandre, but the GOT budget for this episode was too bloated with White Walker and Zombie fight scenes to pay the actress’ salary, so we end up with another red priestess named Not-Melissandre.

Not-Melissandre agrees to spread the word around town that Dany’s the sh*t, and Tyrion is thrilled. But Varys doesn’t trust her. “So, you think Dany is the chosen one now, huh?” Varys challenges. “Remember last season when you thought Stannis was the chosen one, and you birthed shadow babies out of your hoo-hah to murder his brother, burnt his daughter to a crisp, did some weird things with beetles, and then Stannis ended up dying anyway? What was up with that?”

“Melissandre did all those things. I’m Not-Melissandre. There’s a big difference,” explains Not-Melissandre matter-of-factly.

“No difference,” responds Varys, unimpressed. “All you women who wear red dresses on this show are exactly the same!”

“Oh really,” argues Not-Melissandre. “Did all women in red dresses ghost stalk you while you were getting your weiner chopped off and give you words of encouragement while it was happening, because this woman in a red dress did?”

“Wow, if I still had a weiner, I’d be totally turned on by how hard you are hitting on me right now,” admits Varys. “But I don’t, so I’m just really freaked out.”

Why DVR Warging Without Your GOT Watch Buddy Makes You a Bad Friend . . . And Could Possibly Bring About The End of The World.

So, you know how you have these certain friends or significant others with whom you just have to watch certain shows? And if one of you can’t watch the show at a certain date or time, its an unspoken rule that the other Show Buddy has to wait to watch it as well?

Well, apparently, nobody told Bran this. Because he totally, turned on the Warg DVR to watch GOT: The Flashback Years, while Old Man in the Tree was indisposed. (I think he might have been in the bathroom at the time.)

Bran tunes into this episode of GOT just as the Night King is raising his zombie army. And then, the “Smartest Stark” proceeds to just stand there next to this Really Scary Super Dangerous Guy like a doofus, until the Nights King grabs Bran’s hand, as if the two of them are boyfriend / girlfriend.

 

Bran is lucky this isn’t a horror movie. Because, if it was, this ding dong wouldn’t even make it past the opening credits. And the fact that he is DVR-Warging is no excuse. Even in our nightmares, we all know to run away from the axe murderer, the scary monster, and the evil lunch lady from first-grade who was so awful that she single-handedly ensured that you would never buy school lunch for the remainder of your public school career . . .

When Bran wakes up, he learns that during the DVR-Warging session, the Nights King has put some GPS tracking device on the kids arm, and now, basically, he and all his friends are doomed.

“You have to leave this place now,” exclaims Old Man in a Tree.

So, Bran does what any rational boy would do in such a life-threatening situation. He takes another nap . . .

In Which Jon Snow Gets a New Jacket

Back at the Wall, Sansa and Jon are talking about which families will join them in battling that Asshat Ramsey Bolton. “Ooh, I know, I know!” Sansa exclaims excitedly. “We can get the Tully Family army! Brienne can go and win them over on my . . . I mean OUR . . . behalf.”

“Did Littlefinger tell you to say that?” Jon wonders suspiciously.

“No,” fibs Sansa uncomfortably. “I just knew, OK.”

“Then, why do I hear him offstage laughing maniacally like the Joker from Batman?”

“That’s the sound of my stomach growling . . .” Sansa covers. “Indigestion from all this hearty Wall food.”

Later Brienne wonders whether Sansa will be safe on her own with Jon Snow and all his emo broody, recently back from the dead and suffering an existential crisis-ness. “I’ll be fine. Jon Snow’s my bro,” Sansa insists. “It’s not like we are both fighting to sit on the same Iron Throne or anything. Littlefinger, stop laughing maniacally. Everyone can hear you, and it’s totally blowing my cover!”

Just to show that there are no hard feelings, Sansa makes Jon a coat just like the one her dad was wearing the day that he got his head chopped off. Um, thanks?

Why It’s GOT’s Fault That, If You Are Ever Walking Behind Me Into a Building, I Probably Won’t Hold The Door Anymore

Meanwhile, back at the Tree on the Edge of the Apocalypse, Binge Watching Bran can’t resist watching another episode of GOT: The Flashback Years, while everyone else around him is rushing to save his ungrateful life. So, of course, we assume he’s going to choose the Tower of Joy episode that the rest of us want to watch, so we can finally figure out if Jon Snow is the love child of Rhaegan Targaryen and Lyanna Stark as many have suspected, right?

Nope, he chooses the same damn episode with his dad as a little kid that we’ve already seen before. Selfish brat!

At this point, the White Walkers and their zombie army have already penetrated the tree. So, now, Meera is stuck dragging dead-weight Bran to safety, while everyone else is forced to commit suicide to save that little sh*t’s life. Forest lady gives up her life first. Then comes Old Man in the Tree, because, after your TV Watch Buddy has betrayed you, there really is no reason to go on living. Next up is Summer the Direwolf, because the writers of this show apparently HATE adorable animals with a passion, but love lazy couch potatoes like Bran.

Seriously, STOP KILLING THE CUTE DIREWOLVES, SHOW WRITERS! It’s emotionally manipulative, mean-spirited, and never actually advances the plot. Just saying . . .

Because, all these characters have willingly offed themselves to save Bran, Meera is able to succeed in dragging him out of the tree. But he won’t be safe unless large, loyal to a fault, Hodor can bar the zombies and walkers from escaping the tree until Meera and Bran are out of sight. “Hold the door,” Meera exclaims, over and over again.

So Hodor’s giant body fights to protect dumbass Bran, by blocking the door to the tree house while being ripped apart by zombies.

Back in DVR-Warg world, reality has once again intruded upon Bran’s flashback fantasies. This time its young Hodor whose impacted, and forced to relive the zombie demise he’s doomed to inevitably experience years later. Instantly young Hodor collapses to the floor and begins seizing, “Hold the door. Hold the door. Hold the door,” he repeats frantically over and over again, until the three words merge into one and become . . . you guessed it, Hodor.

And that’s it. That’s Hodor’s origin story . . . how the last words he’d ever utter in life, became the only words he’d say forever more . . . and all because Bran’s a schmuck.

R.I.P. Hodor, you were the strong and silent type. Plus, you had really great manners. In other words, you were my ideal man.

Also, R.I.P. Summer. You shouldn’t have died, but since you did, you should know that:

Until next time, Westeros!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.