Random Dancing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Condition Terminal”

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Brings new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

If you were a child of the 00s (which I wasn’t . . . I just have really juvenile taste in television) you undoubtedly remember the television show iCarly.  And if you remember iCarly, you undoubtedly remember the segment of the show called Random Dancing.   In case you don’t remember it, or have no clue what the heck I’m talking about, it went a little something like this . . .

So, why am I bringing up iCarly in my Teen Wolf recap introduction? Well, because Random Dancing is pretty much the best metaphor I can think of for this particular episode. It was colorful. It was musical. It was kind of funny (though not necessarily intentionally so). It featured characters dancing. And each individual scene seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with that which came directly before or after it.

ephemeralThis is not to say that I disliked “Condition Terminal.” (After all, Random Dancing has always been one of my favorite parts of . . . that and Freddie, because Freddie is awesome). I just didn’t entirely “get it.”

no idea what im doing

Anywhoo, this week on Teen Wolf, Parrish got a second job moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Man.   Kira began to exhibit signs of kitsune PMS.  Some guy got a bunch of boners on his arms from making out with Mason (How embarrassing!).  Scott continued to fail at life.  And Stiles continued to fail at the art of motor vehicle maintenance (and looking behind you when some guy is about to maul you with the weird mouth thing imprinted on his hand).

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always all the awards go to Andre for what will undoubtedly be the best part of this recap . . . the pictures.]

On Card Tricks and Dating Dealbreakers

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I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush on someone, the first thing I do is have playing cards made up to look like that person, so I can do this card trick where I pretend to repeatedly burn and unburn their faces off.

burn faceJust kidding. I don’t really do that. Because that would be creepy . . . Parrish!

helping parrishThe episode begins with everyone’s favorite occasionally-burns-while-naked Deputy, laying on the couch playing with himself and his “Lydia is my Red Queen” playing cards.

lydia smirk

Wait, that didn’t come out right.   What I meant to say is . . .Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I meant to say.

Anywhoo . . . while Parrish is “playing” he thinks back to a time in the not-so-distant past when Lydia tried to hypnotize him with her beauty, so he didn’t realize she was burning off his hand with her lighter.

parrish eyes

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(Wow, teenage foreplay has really changed, since I’ve been in high school.)

Lydia’s plan ends up backfiring, however. Because Lydia’s beauty, coupled with the fact that Parrish is probably a Phoenix, makes Parrish’s skin impervious to flame. So, the only one who ends up getting burned is Lydia, herself.  We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies?

“Hey, what were you thinking about, when I was trying to burn off your extremities for sh*ts and giggles?”   Lydia inquires conversationally, after this super fun game is over.

“Oh nothing,” replies Parrish, “except for the recurring ‘dream’ I have, which is obviously reality because all dreams on this show are real, of wandering around naked carrying dead bodies to a big ole tree stump and incinerating them with my hot bod. I’m not going to tell you about the whole incineration via hot bod part, because then you won’t want to sleep with me anymore. Oops, I just said that out loud didn’t I?”

dead par

“Don’t worry, Parrish,” Lydia reassures her meathead of a new beau. “If you watched the first four seasons of this show, you would know that I pick my lovers based on the fact that I have an obvious death wish. Case in point: my last three boyfriends, were a sociopathic Alpha Wolf, who murdered his pack leader, and spent half a season trying to murder my best friends, a psycho Alpha Wolf who made me drug all my friends at my birthday party, and conduct a ritual to bring him back from the dead, and a psychopathic lizard, who murdered six or seven complete strangers, and paralyzed a few of my friends, because this random kid told him to do it. You’ll fit right in!”

flirting with lyd

Adventures in Sociopathic Dentistry

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“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little laughing gas around here?”

Speaking of sociopaths, graduate schools in The Land of Teen Wolf Big Bads must be really good, because the Dredd Doctors, somehow, managed to go to medical school and dental school at the same time! Their dentistry professor? This Guy!

Thanks to whatever the heck it was the doctors injected into Donovan (who the doctors have conveniently broken out of jail, by the way) last week, they are now able to pull out all of his “baby teeth,” and Wendigo fangs immediately sprout in their place.

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“The ladies are going to love these! You know what they say about guys with big teeth, don’t you? Swollen gums!”

Donovan also gets a second set of Wendigo fangs on his wrist, because you never know when you’ll get really hungry, while your first mouth is otherwise engaged . . .

Hey, look it’s the Not-So-Secretly-Evil New Member of Scott’s Pack, Theo! He’s come to visit Donovan, and tell him to kill Stiles, to get back at Sheriff Stilinski for making him flunk Deputy school . . .

emotional pain

Hey, not to go against Aria’s brother from Pretty Little Liars, Donovan, but shouldn’t you be thanking Sheriff Stilinski? Because last I checked, unless you happen to be moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Men of Wuzzles like Parrish, being a deputy in Beacon Hills is pretty much a first class ticket to the morgue.

Then again, so is being a Wuzzle in Beacon Hills, so you are pretty much screwed either way.

sad wuzz

Sorry Bumblelion!

Here’s my theory. I think Theo is going to “save” Stiles from Donovan, next week, thereby earning him formal membership into Scott’s pack, and a direct ability to turn all Scott’s friends against him / steal his true Alpha powers . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the sheriff’s office and clean up the pile of drool that became of last week’s Wuzzle, Tracey.

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In Which You Get Your Weekly Lesson in Totally Random Mythology and Not Particularly Scientifically Accurate Genetics

Not to start a shipper war, or anything, but I’m totally starting a shipper war.

Anyone who thinks that lunkhead Parrish is a better choice for Lydia’s main squeeze than Stiles, please observe this silently subtle scene where a devastated Stiles reacts to seeing Lydia stabbed in the stomach, and bleeding out on the floor, and Lydia bravely assures him she’s OK, so he can carry out his pack duties with Scott.

scared stiles lyd is ok sad stilesYeah, yeah, I know Stiles and Malia are supposed to be totally MFEO (Made for Each Other), and the werecoyote is gradually growing on me as a character. But still!

Not-So-Secretly-Evil Theo rushes in to tourniquet Lydia’s wound, which earns him some grudging respect from the clearly-smitten Stiles, as was intended.

Meanwhile downstairs, Malia is trying to convince everyone she didn’t kill Tracey. “Look, she’s drooling that silver crap, and no part of her is eaten. If it were me, I would have nibbled on her drumstick thigh, because it’s the tastiest part of a wuzzle. Much more flavor than the arm. Just saying. It was those Dredd Doctor things that killed her.”

did not doBecause they don’t want to alert Beacon Hills to the existence of Wuzzles, Scott’s pack decide to take Tracey’s gross dead body back to Deaton’s office, where he can give a parting boring monologue about genetics, before he skips off to star in a few episodes of The Walking Dead.

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“Look, it’s my baby teeth! I saved them in a jar, because I’m adorable . . . and because I have way too much time on my hands.”

“The fact that Tracey was able to cross the mountain ash, and has the body parts of two past supernatural villain creatures on the show, means she’s a genetic freak, not a supernatural one,” Deaton explains.

“Are you saying that an adult’s genetic code can be altered at will by injection? Because that sounds like kind of crappy scientific logic,” the pack muses.

“To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”

thriller-dance_o_GIFSoup_com

Later in science class, Scott’s awful AP Bio teacher, whose probably going to end up being Malia’s mom, or something, conveniently teaches Scott about wuzzles, calling them “chimeras,” but I think wuzzle is a better name for them, personally.

She goads Scott into picking up a drop form for her class, and then seems sad, when he actually takes her advice.

Women . . . sheesh. I am one, and sometimes I don’t understand us . . .

Jujitsu? I Hardly Know You!

Back at the hospital, Lydia day dreams that she is a victim of the Dredd Doctors, while she’s in surgery for her belly wound. But, obviously, it’s real, because, like I said earlier, dreams on this show are always real.

the docs

Then, Parrish creepily watches her sleep, envisions burning her face off with his finger, like he did with the playing card that looks like her, and offers to teach he jujitsu, because . . . plot reasons.

Aren’t Crime Scenes Sacred Anymore?

Meanwhile, Malia sashays into Tracey’s house, and thumbs around her personal belongings, because, in Beacon Hills, crime scenes are easier to get into than R-rated movies, and admission is free!

unsure malia

There, she comes across this book, which isn’t actually a real book, by the way. I know, because I checked . . .

In other Malia news, she decides to put her search for her mother on hold, to help her pack mates with Beacon Hill’s Wuzzle Problem.

erase desert

Awww, our little werecoyote is putting other’s needs before her own. She’s all grown up!

In fact, she’s the most grown-up almost 30-year old playing a teenage girl, since, well, all the other almost 30-year olds playing teenage girls on this show . . .

Twerking with your Wuzzle of the Week

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Jeff Davis decides he hasn’t done a gay nightclub / techno dancing sequence yet this season, and so we get Club Sinema.

sinema

Apparently, just as we’ve all long suspected, nearly every male in Beacon Hills conveniently happens to be a homosexual . . .

. . . including Brett . . .

brettand boy

random dancing

. . . and Mason . . .

intense

. . . and our wuzzle of the week, Lucas, whose cover is totally blown, when his arm boners, accidentally flay his boyfriend . . .

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Also at cinema is Scott’s Mini Me, Liam, and his love interest, who got a job working as a bar wench at an over 21 night club, despite looking about 12, because she’s “poor” or something . . . also because the bar owner is probably a pedophile.

the gum chewer

Lucas’ arm-boner problem gets him into trouble, once again, when he’s making out with Mason. Fortunately, help is on the way. En route to the scene of the soon-to-be crime, Scott tells Kira he loves her, because no place is a more romantic place for a straight couple to exchange “I love yous” for the first time, than outside the gay nightclub, where your friends are possibly being murdered.

love you oh my

Scott and co easily disarm Lucas, because, apart from the whole arm boner thing, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I mean, sure he made his boyfriend’s arm look like bacon, but he apologized for it! In short, Lucas just wants what every teenage gay boy wants, to hide his sexual dysfunction long enough to get laid.

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Nighty night!

Then, Kira turns all Powderpuff girl again, and tries to kill Lucas, for no good reason whatsoever. Fortunately, Scott stops Kira from doing this just in time, and looks at her with these seriously judgy eyes. “Hey Kira, you’ve been acting like kind of a b*tch lately. Is it your time of month?”

kira mode

“Hey Scott, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to blame a woman’s emotions on PMS?” Kira scolds.

“Yeah, sorry,” Scott apologizes.

“Just kidding. It’s totally PMS. And I’m going to try to murder you in your sleep every night for the next three-to-five days,” Kira adds with a giggle.

vlcsnap-9611-02-01-04h40m20s018Then, the Dredd Doctors murder Lucas for no discernable reason, whatsoever.

“Hey, why did you do that?”   Scott asks dumbfoundedly. “He was kind of hot.”

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“Because we are the bad guys, duh!” The Dredd Doctors reply, before exiting stage left.

Back in the morgue, Scott is sad about Lucas’ untimely demise. “I should have saved him,” he complains to his mother.

“Stop shoulding all over yourself,” Scott’s mom replies.

“Hey, I stopped pooping the bed when I was ten,” Scott argues.

“I said ‘shoulding’ you dummy,” Scott’s mom answers. “What I mean, is stop beating yourself up. If you weren’t absolutely terrible at your job of saving your friends from horribly excruciating supernatural deaths, you wouldn’t be my son.”

happy mom

“Awww! Thanks mom!” Scott responds.

More Naked Parrish? – Jeff Davis says, “Your Welcome.”

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Later that night, Naked Garbage Man of Wuzzles, steals Arm Boner Lucas from the morgue, carries him to that big ole tree stump that was a big plot point a few seasons back, and burns his body to ash.   Meanwhile in Hell, Darach Jennifer cries, because if she had a Naked Garbage Man helping her out during her season, she might still be alive and humping Derek Hale today . . .

darach

Bummer!

In Which Stiles Gets One Hell of a Hickey

In the final scene of the episode, Stiles fixes his broken down jeep with tape, because he, like everyone else on this show, has an obvious death wish.

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Then Donovan comes with that extra mouth on his hand, and uses it to place a rather large hickey on my favorite character’s neck.

vlcsnap-8078-07-24-12h38m35s736How exactly are you going to explain that one to your girlfriend, Stiles?

Until next time, Werebangers!

random dancing

3 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

3 responses to “Random Dancing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Condition Terminal”

  1. I don’t think Parrish is a phoenix. The phoenix has the ability to live many lives and is always reborn from flames; thus it is always depicted (at least in medieval heraldry) rising from flames. But I don’t think it runs around always on flames. Fire salamanders, on the other hand, are a fire elemental and live in fire and are usually on fire a lot. The way the flames were coming off Parrish’s body just made me realize that (yes I’ve been doing a lot of heraldry with both phoenixes and salamanders lately and that’s why).

    • Andre

      I wouldn’t count on that reasoning having any weight when it comes to Teen Wolf. None of their supernaturals resemble their “real counterparts.”
      Despite what movies usually show, werewolves did not turn into wolf-human hybrids of any sort, but into big canines., they had no infectious bite, no enhanced healing and certainly no telepathy.
      Japanese foxes and oni are nothing like the show portrays them, what the show portrays were samurais and ninjas, especially foxes are skilled shapeshifters and Kira and Noshiko don’t come even close to being shapeshifters. And nogitsune (field foxes) are not spirits either.
      Banshee’s are spirits or fairies (depending on the source) and not precognative humans, kanaimas are actually were jaguars and not reptiles, wendigos are ravanous beings that are either spirits or were once cannibalistic humans, and they always look emaciated and scream hunger and death. Garuda and Scorpion men have nothing to do with werewolves, berserkers were not clad in bear bones and have no connection to Mesoamerican religion.
      So just because the folkloric texts show no similarities with the beings on the show doesn’t mean the show won’t name them as such. And so far the show usually stuck with the more popular critters in most cases. So “phoenix” is more likely than “salamander” and even if Parrish turns out to be a salamander or a djinn, it still wouldn’t fit.

  2. Andre

    Thankfully you wrote this recap. You made the experience of that episode way more enjoyable.

    The thing is that I know of iCarly but rarely watched it and didn’t notice what they call random dancing but the term fits this episode pretty well.
    I am not sure whether there is anything to actually “get about” the current episode. Perhaps that is why the person in the recap you once send me referred to the episode as a sort of fan fiction, several elements in it definitely looked that way as they had “because the plot says so” even more than usual.

    Btw. If you like Freddie so much, look how “Freddie” looks now:

    And in case that wasn’t enough:
    http://www.famousbodies.org/nathan-kress-shirtless-flexing-muscles-als-challenge/
    Feeling like a pervert already? 😀

    And speaking of perverts:
    Were we supposed to think the queen in Parrish’s hand just happened to look like Lydia or was it supposed to be in his head? Because the latter part is pretty creepy and reeks of obsession… the kind of obsession so many people mistake for love.
    Also in either case, was the burning off of the face supposed to mean he wants to kill her?

    Furthermore I agree that he is probably a phoenix and while I know a few more fire based creatures that could fit but I think they are less likely.
    And I didn’t notice but your comment about Lydia’s boyfriends are pretty spot on and technically young Peter is a similar type to Jackson as well and if Parrish happens to be controlled by someone (maybe the nemeton to get strength), than he is even more like Jackson than he already was and Lydia basically dated the same guy again. And will shrug it off. So no drama there but it does make for really lazy writing.

    Speaking of lazy. Wendigos are stated to allegedly be governed by their enormous hunger so why isn’t Donovan affected? And even if we “explain” it via the doctor’s Frankenstein routine it still makes no sense because what exactly have Wendigos to offer in terms of powers? Nothing based on season 4. So this is probably just a sign of lack of creativity. Which is weird considered what a useless info dumb we got this episode regarding “mythology” but more on that later.
    However, you have to ask yourself what sort of agenda was there to begin with in the writers’ minds apart from recycling their old monsters for the monster of the week trope. Because what the doctors do sure as hell doesn’t look like it makes any sense apart from random tinkering to see how it turns out.
    And of course Theo is with them… I am not sure what is better or worse, that they seem to have only one antagonistic force, maybe (after all maybe Parrish is connected to another) or that they did something as obvious as Theo being there with them. Plus, I think your theory is probably correct.

    The whole Lydia looks at Stiles thing might be good for you but all I saw in that scene was the ridiculous slow motion. I guess they tried to create atmosphere and show how the characters were in shock, but considered how little they reacted to Allison’s death and how many dead people they have seen already; it comes along as pretty unrealistic that they would not know what to do. It would make more sense for season 1 and 2 but not season 5.
    Once again it comes along as if the makers did not watch the previous seasons and are pretty lazy. It just comes along as if these teens didn’t even try to learn or prepare themselves. They just sit around and do nothing.
    And that was how Lydia looked later when she was rushed to the hotel… I mean hospital. Sorry got confused because she was pale and sweaty at the police station but pale and completely dry and incredibly relaxed looking in the hospital.
    And I guess Parrish teaching her jujitsu is supposed to explain why she could do martial arts in the first episode.

    Which also explains Deaton’s idiotic mythology exposition where he tried to claim these things are dangerous and even bigger danger is coming. Two things:
    1) These descriptions are idiotic, a Garuda (which is usually a unique being) is not a werewolf with eagle talons (and especially not Harpy eagle) in fact it has nothing in common with werewolves except having human and animal characteristics and that is it. A Garuda looks like this:

    2) Do we really need one more monster after the other? They cannot use werewolves right so why … ok, of course. They want to rip-off Buffy (more of that in a second). Also how is what Tracey did not supernatural? She broke several rules of physics with what she did there.

    And you know, in the link to the review you send me the reviewer stated that it would not be a bad idea to out the supernaturals since Beacon Hills is so accepting (more on that later). However the comparison is screwed to the core since pretty much every supernatural here has given ample of evidence to show that they are walking and talking time bombs. Outing them would be like give a pyromaniac matches and lots of straw and trusting he won’t start a wildfire.

    “To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”

    That probably fits perfectly. Deaton was once again there for exposition and nothing more.

    And trust me, I really hope the Bio teacher is not turning out to be Malia’s biological mother (Btw. When they showed the picture the episode before and claimed her mom was good at killing I was thinking “Sure if with good you mean sloppy”).
    PS: Scott never heard the name chimera? Seriously? I know this is exposition for the viewers but the writers assume they never heard of that either?

    But hey, the writers suddenly make Malia smart and an investigator, instead of Stiles… yeah they are really trying to push her like they push Scott, by basically ignoring what they introduced about her. Which is really lazy writing nearly on the same low level as Cassandra Clare.

    And as for the book, they put enough effort into fabricating one fake book after the other but they don’t put enough effort into realizing a decent plot/story?
    You know I think once I am done with GOT and Hemlock Grove I will give this show a try:

    And in fact I will give it a try because of a certain thing the show did that Teen Wolf in all of its more than 4 seasons didn’t do. And it is connected to the club scene.
    This club was one of the reasons why the mentioned reviewer considered this a fan-service episode. Not to mention that while the show claimed the club was kind of mixed, I think it’s pretty safe to say that it’s just a gay club with some genuine double x carriers thrown in for tokenism. I don’t know about you but I cannot remember a single female go-go dancer. And if all of your go-goes, or the majority, are male and the majority of the crowd also than you clearly have a gay club and not a mixed one.
    And hinting Brett possibly being bisexual or maybe even hooking up with Mason is no better. You know my reservations regarding this colorist and racist casting, but the go-goes aren’t any better. Back in season 2 they at least had some black or mixed people in there, but now… it looks like a bunch of Aber Crombie and Fitch guys.
    You can’t even say there is a difference in body type as they pretty much all have the same body form. Even if you have all body builders you still have different types. You see the guy playing Brett, while being the same type as Haynes after all, at least has narrower hips and bigger delta muscles, that gives him some variation, but the other guys… the same over and over. And it’s not difficult to get some go-goes of different types even when you stick to white people:

    It all feels as if Davis has his own fan-service here, lives his own fantasy of the same type. Either he is responsible for this casting or someone else, but somebody seems to live his fantasy here with the same guy over and over.
    This prevalence is nearly as obvious as in Birdemic.

    And of course Lucas is no different. I am sure because the actor playing him is called Ramos or so several fans will squeal with delight because they cannot differentiate between actor and character and have weird definitions of white. But either way, is it so difficult to cast differently?
    Not to mention, that considered the wound he caused his boyfriend (btw. Lucas doesn’t seem to even try to not play around, albeit why does he target Mason apart from plot convenience?) is so big I wonder why the kid isn’t bleeding to death.
    But anyway. This gay club scene is one of many examples where the whole no homophobia, no sexism and no racism goal of Davis failed. All he did is what so many others do (and boy do these idiots suck): they take away all the offensive language but fail to ask themselves whether the reasons for them are still there. And sorry when your female characters only develop via plotholes, when your gay people are nearly always guys, and plot devices, and the guys presented as desirable all look so much alike than you failed.
    Also in more than 4 seasons Teen Wolf gave us only this:

    The show Penny Dreadfuls that I will try is in the 2nd season and it already had this:

    And this:

    Do I have to say anything more?

    Btw. What is the name of Liam’s love interest? I seriously cannot remember.

    And since I am at names you can forget instantly. The show had Scott say something about a Sumerian half-werewolf half scorpion and not only does Lucas show no werewolf side, but any sort of Scorpion men that I did find was nothing like Lucas. They were a sort of scorpion centaurs with only two legs and wings. And they are Akkadian and not Sumerian. In fact Lucas is really harmless, but apparently still too dangerous for werewolves that allegedly have experience and the one with the super strength and the sharp sword that should have the best chance apparently puts up the worst fight.
    Until she suddenly snaps, for no good reason whatsoever as you rightly pointed out, so why did they do it? Or couldn’t they do it a bit better? Do some built up or let her at least get hit or be in some corner for that? This is BS. This is one of the reasons why this episode felt like a transition with lots of establishments and no actual accomplishments. Stiles being kidnapped is the same, that could have been done at the start of the episode and not at the end.
    And I am the only one who thinks Kira suddenly losing it is not only uncharacteristically werewolf like (because they never showed something like that) but it is also reminiscent of Naruto?

    And if you ask me the actual reason Lucas is killed by the doctors is to get rid of him and to once again write the plot so forced that Scott doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions and doesn’t have to get his hands dirty.
    And this is why his “I should have saved him” doesn’t work for me. Like you stated, he is absolutely terrible at his job. Just like with the Nemeton and the antagonist of the week thing they seem to be trying to rip-off Buffy, especially since Scott is supposed to be the protector of the town, but it doesn’t work. In fact there was such a scene in Buffy where a girl was killed by a vampire and Buffy said that she didn’t protect her. And then Xander says that without her people would be buried all the time in town and in fact that was addressed several times in the show. Also it works because Buffy was active at her jobs, she didn’t sit around and wait for the monsters to happen, she was on parole, investigated and put herself in danger constantly. All Scott does is sitting on his ass. They don’t go on parole, they don’t investigate, Scott sure as hell is not in the hospital relieving people from pain (and neither do the other werewolves) and that is never addressed and yet we are supposed to think he is virtuous. And of course the biggest problem is: There is no reason not to destroy the Nemeton!
    Which only shows that it is a plot device and nothing more to get new antagonists without putting effort into it. However it doesn’t work because the tree was cut down so unlike the hellmouth in Buffy it actually can be destroyed. But they don’t do that, don’t even try.
    And that is really disappointing.

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