Don’t Wanna Be Your Monkey Wrench – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “A Novel Approach”

The problem with supernaturally “gifted” do-gooder heroes like Scott McCall, is that they tend to be a bit boring judgey. There are only so many times one person can vanquish the Big Bad, sacrifice his safety for that of the group, rescue the helpless, rally the troops, mentor the naïve, and champion the misunderstood, without it going to his head . . . without the hero starting to believe that everyone he cares about must live by his rigid moral code, or else.

Back in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall was a character who was still figuring things out. He struggled with violent impulses toward his adversaries, as he managed his new wolf-like temper. He battled with lust, and found himself giving in to temptation with Lydia, even though Stiles was in love with her. His pride kept him on the lacrosse team, despite the fact that his superhuman strength gave him an unfair advantage against most of his teammates and opponents. And Peter’s seductive offers of power, made him seriously consider turning to the darkside, on more than one occasion.

Now, in Season 5, Scott McCall is a different animal (pun intended) entirely. He’s even-tempered, virtuous, unfailingly loyal and almost monk-like in his incorruptibility (except for that one episode where he wore a bear mask for ten minutes, but we don’t need to get into that). Alpha Wolf Scott McCall’s world is a 1950’s monochrome. Everything is either good or evil, black or white. There is no in between.

Unfortunately, for Saint McCall, his pack mates still reside within the shades of grey. They recognize that some people can’t be trusted, and aren’t worth saving. They understand that there are some times when good ends are justified by bad means. They are unmistakably human in mind and spirit, even if not entirely in body. And it is that flawed humanity that is throwing some serious monkey wrenches into Scott McCall’s plans to Save the World from the Dredd Doctors.

And, in the case of Scott’s bestie, Stiles, this just happened to come in the form of an actual monkey wrench. . .

This week on Teen Wolf, everyone’s favorite Naked Garbage Man makes another pickup. Malia continues to confirm every bad stereotype that ever existed about female drivers. Third Eye guy becomes, Just Some Middle Aged Dude with a Hole in His Head. And Kira confirms her suspicion that electrocuting one’s boyfriend truly is the best form of foreplay.

Let’s review, shall we?

Very Superstitious

As if we needed any more confirmation that the superstition stating that it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder is 100% true, Teen Wolf proudly presents . . .

The Not So Tragic Death of Donovan . . .

I gotta say, as cold opens go, this one was one of Teen Wolf’s stronger submissions. I mean sure, unlike the typical Teen Wolf open, where a character we’ve never met before is put in peril, and we are legitimately uncertain as to whether they will live or die, Stiles’ surviving this “hand with a mouth drawn on it” mauling . . .

. . . was not in question here. And yet, despite that, Dylan O’Brien’s ability to silently (apart from some seriously heavy breathing that seemed in desperate need of an inhaler) convey Stiles’ utter terror, as Donovan tracked him from the car to the library, his impulsive decision to use the monkey wrench to loosen the screws on the ladder nearest to the one he was ascending, and his conflicting feelings of guilt, horror, relief, and even a slight bit of satisfaction at Donovan’s gory demise at his own hand, was riveting to watch.

Also, let’s face it. Some people in this world just deserve to be made into a human shishkabob.

Then, we get to the part where Stiles calls 911 to report the dead body, and returns to the scene just seconds later, only to find it scooped up by our Naked Garbage Man. (Who just so happened to be wearing clothes this week. What’s the fun in that?)

So, now we know that Naked Garbage Man doesn’t just retrieve bodies, carry them to the Nemeton, and burn them out of existence with his hot bod, he also cleans up crime scenes like a champ.

Clearly, Parrish is much better at his Naked Garbage Man job than his cop job . . .

But it does beg the question, of how Parrish got there so fast.   Do the Dredd Doctors have him on speed dial? Does the playing card with Lydia’s face on it scream at him, banshee style, whenever he needs to pick up a new corpse? (Typical nagging cardboard girlfriend!)   Does he just hang around Scott and Stiles, knowing that these guys are pretty much guaranteed to produce a supernatural corpse in the cold open of every episode?

More importantly, does being a Naked Garbage Man come with a 401K plan?

Scott McCall’s Book Club

Having already read all the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series, including that astonishingly bad one from Christian’s perspective, Scott’s wolf pack decides to read something a bit more relevant to their lives . . . that book about the Dredd Doctors they stole from Now-Dead Tracey’s house! Kira kindly offers to make a photocopy of the darn thing, which, anyone who has ever tried to photocopy a teeny tiny soft cover paperback will tell you, is pretty much the most mind-numbingly awful job ever. (No wonder she electrocuted Scott later in the episode, to get him back for making her do it.)

SO MANY PAPER CUTS!

“If you want to be in our pack, you have to participate in our book club,” Scott tells Theo, in no uncertain terms, as he shows him the copy of the Dredd doctor book.

“Wait, you guys are in a book club? But I thought you were all virtually illiterate,” Theo wonders out loud.

“Malia and I are virtually illiterate,” Scott explains. “But Stiles is only illiterate when he’s void Stiles, and everyone else can read to us just fine. Lydia even does these really great character voices, which make me giggle. Do you do character voices, Theo? Because you will be much more likely to get into the pack if you can.”

“Hey check out the back page of this book,” Theo demands, as he laughs maniacally and winks at the camera.

“Why?” Scott asks, flustered. “Nobody reads the acknowledgement page in a book, except the people being acknowledged, because it’s basically the book equivalent of the boring part of Oscar acceptance speeches, only without the pretty dresses and manufactured tears. I’m a functioning illiterate, and even I know that.”

Theo rolls his eyes. “Look, it’s imperative that you read the acknowledgement page of this book, read Dr. Valack’s name on it, and go visit him in the mental hospital, because he wrote this book, and my bosses, the Dredd Doctors, need you to see him, for reasons.”

“But if he wrote the book, why didn’t he put his name on the front cover, as the author?” Scott question. “This way I would absolutely read it, unlike the acknowledgement page, which nobody reads.”

“Whatever, Scott,” Theo replies exasperatedly. “Just do what I say mindlessly, and leave the thinking on this show to the smart characters like Stiles and Lydia. I’ve got to go worship the Devil, torture some live puppies, and brainwash Malia into being my loyal sex slave. Peace out.”

When Something is Lost, Always Consult Your Fox Costume . . .

Later that night, Scott and Kira are sleeping together, because Kira’s parents think there is absolutely nothing wrong with their only minor daughter sharing a bed with her werewolf boyfriend, and are not at all worried that she will one-day wake up to find she’s given birth to a litter of were-fox babies, who will ruin her young life. (Note: Scott’s mom would probably be bothered by this, but, seeing as she’s the only nurse / anesthesiologist / coroner / doctor / sometime surgeon left alive in Beacon Hills, she works 24-hours a day, and hasn’t been out of her scrubs since approximately 1996.)

“If I think really hard, I can still sort of remember a time when I used to get laid . . .”

Kira starts speaking Japanese in her sleep, and Scott appears totally turned off by it. But, of course, he has to pretend he’s not turned off by it, because being turned off by it most probably makes him a racist.

Later, when Kira’s ugly ass belt (seriously, that thing is hideous) goes missing, she asks Scott to look at her with his red hangover eyes to help her find it. When Scott turns on his Creepo-vision, he sees Kira’s fox head (which looks oddly bear-like for a fox, no?) helpfully pointing out the belt’s location for Scott.

Ummm . . . so basically, this was the writers’ clever way of illustrating that Fox Kira and Kira-Kira aren’t the same entity? So Fox Kira knew where the ugly ass belt was, but Kira-Kira didn’t? If so, why didn’t Fox Kira just tell Kira-Kira where the ugly ass belt was, instead of going through Scott’s Creepo-vision?

Anywhoo, Kira now has her belt. And they all can live unfashionably ever after . . .

Driving Miss Crazy

Because Malia used to be a mental patient at Eichen House, and could possibly decide she likes it better in the nuthouse where she had a better haircut, than at Beacon Hills, if she returns, our sassy were-coyote isn’t invited on the pack’s Journey into Evil this week.

Instead, she is stuck reading that crappy book, into which the author nonsensically inserted himself into the Acknowledgement page. “Hey, Malia, want to ride my car?” Theo asks, looking so shady as he confronts her, that he might as well be curling an evil black mustache, and strangling an angel child with his bare hands, as he speaks.

“Is that a euphemism for sex?” Malia wonders, as Evil Theo not-at-all subtly undresses her with his eyes.

“Absolutely, but I’d like you to almost murder me in my own car, before we sleep together, just to make sure we really like one another,” responds Theo.

In Theo’s car, he tries to impress Malia with how not frightened of death he is, by instructing her to speed, and drive with her hands at the bottom of the wheel, like she’s a pimp in a rap video. Because everybody knows that those who are incapable of driving like “normal” people are always the absolute best at driving like “cool people.”

(This reminds me of the time when I was learning how to drive, and my dad instructed me to do it by resting my knees on the steering wheel only. Basically, I think he just wanted to take the piss out of my mom, who was in the backseat at the time, clutching the armrests for dear life. . .)

Inevitably Malia goes into her usual PTSD mode, and nearly crashes the car, only to have Theo, inexplicably, roll out of the car on top of her, so he can “stare lovingly into her eyes.”

This time, however, Malia actually remembers a useful piece of information during her fourth traumatic brush with death-via-motor vehicle of the year. “Hey, my evil mother shot at my adopted mom and sister, the day I thought I turned into a were-coyote and killed them inside the family car. This makes me potentially innocent of murder! It also means my parents are even more despicable humans than originally imagined!”

Eichen Louse

Though Stiles was once a mental patient just like Malia, and is clearly experiencing PTSD, himself, from that one time earlier this episode when he murdered a dude, he still decides to accompany Lydia to see Dr. Valack, because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuves her. (Which is totally cool by the way, because sex between Malia and Evil Theo is inevitable this season, obviously).

I like how Lydia recognizes immediately that something is up with Stiles, and that he is injured and sad, lets him know that she knows, but doesn’t judge him or press him for information until he’s ready to talk about it. She instinctively understands that he needs to be there for Lydia, while they do this, just as much as Lydia needs him.

This, when Scott, who has been friends with Stiles for way longer, is completely clueless . . .  so clueless in fact, that he “confides” in his friend, that he thinks Kira might be turning into a terrible person, because she almost killed the evil scorpion thing that was trying to murder them all at the Random Dancing night club.

“Ummmm . . . maybe she did it in self-defense?” Stiles offers, hopefully, as he contemplates telling his friend about his own dalliance with freak-of-the-week murder.

“No way,” responds Scott. “All murderers deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier? Something about you and Donovan?”

Stiles whistles uncomfortably, as he, Scott, Kira and Lydia enter Eichen House.

Once inside the nuthouse, Kira is immediately forced to take off her hideous belt, so it doesn’t frighten the mental patients with its ugliness. Then, Scott and Kira learn that they can’t cross into Valack’s chamber, because it’s protected by mountain ash, and they are supernatural creatures. (Not sure why Lydia wasn’t kept out too, seeing as she’s a banshee and all, but . . . details.)

“Hey Third Eye Guy,” Lydia and Stiles begin conversationally. “What’s up with this crappy book, you wrote, but pretended you didn’t, by writing your name on a page of it that nobody will read?”

“I wrote it so you crazy kids would remember the Dredd Doctors, and how the last time they came to Beacon Hills, they gave you all anal probes, and made you bark like dogs, for five straight hours, just for fun. Oh yeah, and then they buried a bunch of teenagers in holes, and turned them into Wuzzle Killing Machines.”

“Ha, joke is on you,” responds Stiles. “Because Lydia and I are the only people in Beacon Hills who know how to read.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” Third Eye Guy asks. “Scream into this tape recorder, Banshee, so I can press it against the glass holding me in this cell, shatter it, and escape.”

“But if I’m screaming in front of your cell, won’t that break the glass anyway, without the tape recorder?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Oh, absolutely, but this makes it way more dramatic,” Third Eye Guy Explains.

Meanwhile, out at the entrance to Eichen House, Kira is starting to short circuit, and the electric currents she shoots out of her body, totally screw with Eichen House’s security system, allowing the Dredd Doctors to enter, as was their original plan.   Scott carries Electric Kira to safety, suffering severe burns all over his body in the process.

“Hey, I remember I told you I loved you in last week’s episode!” Scott exclaims.

“Glad all it took was an electrocution to get you to recall something you said less than 48 hours ago,” replies Kira. “Just be thankful you are pretty.”

Inside Eichen House, the Dredd Doctors extract Third Eye Guy’s third eye, immediately converting him from somebody cool, into just some dumb schlub who doesn’t understand that no one reads the Acknowledgement page on books.

“Now, the party don’t start, til we walk in!”

Then, now Boring Two-Eyed Valack plays the tape Lydia made for him about ten minutes ago, and her scream from the recorder, breaks the glass of his cell, even though her scream in real life did not. He escapes into the night, rendering the population of Beacon Hills just a bit more filled with crazy-eyed insane-os than it was at the beginning of the episode . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Random Dancing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Condition Terminal”

Brings new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

If you were a child of the 00s (which I wasn’t . . . I just have really juvenile taste in television) you undoubtedly remember the television show iCarly.  And if you remember iCarly, you undoubtedly remember the segment of the show called Random Dancing.   In case you don’t remember it, or have no clue what the heck I’m talking about, it went a little something like this . . .

So, why am I bringing up iCarly in my Teen Wolf recap introduction? Well, because Random Dancing is pretty much the best metaphor I can think of for this particular episode. It was colorful. It was musical. It was kind of funny (though not necessarily intentionally so). It featured characters dancing. And each individual scene seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with that which came directly before or after it.

This is not to say that I disliked “Condition Terminal.” (After all, Random Dancing has always been one of my favorite parts of . . . that and Freddie, because Freddie is awesome). I just didn’t entirely “get it.”

Anywhoo, this week on Teen Wolf, Parrish got a second job moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Man.   Kira began to exhibit signs of kitsune PMS.  Some guy got a bunch of boners on his arms from making out with Mason (How embarrassing!).  Scott continued to fail at life.  And Stiles continued to fail at the art of motor vehicle maintenance (and looking behind you when some guy is about to maul you with the weird mouth thing imprinted on his hand).

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always all the awards go to Andre for what will undoubtedly be the best part of this recap . . . the pictures.]

On Card Tricks and Dating Dealbreakers

I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush on someone, the first thing I do is have playing cards made up to look like that person, so I can do this card trick where I pretend to repeatedly burn and unburn their faces off.

Just kidding. I don’t really do that. Because that would be creepy . . . Parrish!

The episode begins with everyone’s favorite occasionally-burns-while-naked Deputy, laying on the couch playing with himself and his “Lydia is my Red Queen” playing cards.

Wait, that didn’t come out right.   What I meant to say is . . .Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I meant to say.

Anywhoo . . . while Parrish is “playing” he thinks back to a time in the not-so-distant past when Lydia tried to hypnotize him with her beauty, so he didn’t realize she was burning off his hand with her lighter.

(Wow, teenage foreplay has really changed, since I’ve been in high school.)

Lydia’s plan ends up backfiring, however. Because Lydia’s beauty, coupled with the fact that Parrish is probably a Phoenix, makes Parrish’s skin impervious to flame. So, the only one who ends up getting burned is Lydia, herself.  We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies?

“Hey, what were you thinking about, when I was trying to burn off your extremities for sh*ts and giggles?”   Lydia inquires conversationally, after this super fun game is over.

“Oh nothing,” replies Parrish, “except for the recurring ‘dream’ I have, which is obviously reality because all dreams on this show are real, of wandering around naked carrying dead bodies to a big ole tree stump and incinerating them with my hot bod. I’m not going to tell you about the whole incineration via hot bod part, because then you won’t want to sleep with me anymore. Oops, I just said that out loud didn’t I?”

“Don’t worry, Parrish,” Lydia reassures her meathead of a new beau. “If you watched the first four seasons of this show, you would know that I pick my lovers based on the fact that I have an obvious death wish. Case in point: my last three boyfriends, were a sociopathic Alpha Wolf, who murdered his pack leader, and spent half a season trying to murder my best friends, a psycho Alpha Wolf who made me drug all my friends at my birthday party, and conduct a ritual to bring him back from the dead, and a psychopathic lizard, who murdered six or seven complete strangers, and paralyzed a few of my friends, because this random kid told him to do it. You’ll fit right in!”

Adventures in Sociopathic Dentistry

“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little laughing gas around here?”

Speaking of sociopaths, graduate schools in The Land of Teen Wolf Big Bads must be really good, because the Dredd Doctors, somehow, managed to go to medical school and dental school at the same time! Their dentistry professor? This Guy!

Thanks to whatever the heck it was the doctors injected into Donovan (who the doctors have conveniently broken out of jail, by the way) last week, they are now able to pull out all of his “baby teeth,” and Wendigo fangs immediately sprout in their place.

“The ladies are going to love these! You know what they say about guys with big teeth, don’t you? Swollen gums!”

Donovan also gets a second set of Wendigo fangs on his wrist, because you never know when you’ll get really hungry, while your first mouth is otherwise engaged . . .

Hey, look it’s the Not-So-Secretly-Evil New Member of Scott’s Pack, Theo! He’s come to visit Donovan, and tell him to kill Stiles, to get back at Sheriff Stilinski for making him flunk Deputy school . . .

Hey, not to go against Aria’s brother from Pretty Little Liars, Donovan, but shouldn’t you be thanking Sheriff Stilinski? Because last I checked, unless you happen to be moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Men of Wuzzles like Parrish, being a deputy in Beacon Hills is pretty much a first class ticket to the morgue.

Then again, so is being a Wuzzle in Beacon Hills, so you are pretty much screwed either way.

Sorry Bumblelion!

Here’s my theory. I think Theo is going to “save” Stiles from Donovan, next week, thereby earning him formal membership into Scott’s pack, and a direct ability to turn all Scott’s friends against him / steal his true Alpha powers . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the sheriff’s office and clean up the pile of drool that became of last week’s Wuzzle, Tracey.

In Which You Get Your Weekly Lesson in Totally Random Mythology and Not Particularly Scientifically Accurate Genetics

Not to start a shipper war, or anything, but I’m totally starting a shipper war.

Anyone who thinks that lunkhead Parrish is a better choice for Lydia’s main squeeze than Stiles, please observe this silently subtle scene where a devastated Stiles reacts to seeing Lydia stabbed in the stomach, and bleeding out on the floor, and Lydia bravely assures him she’s OK, so he can carry out his pack duties with Scott.

Yeah, yeah, I know Stiles and Malia are supposed to be totally MFEO (Made for Each Other), and the werecoyote is gradually growing on me as a character. But still!

Not-So-Secretly-Evil Theo rushes in to tourniquet Lydia’s wound, which earns him some grudging respect from the clearly-smitten Stiles, as was intended.

Meanwhile downstairs, Malia is trying to convince everyone she didn’t kill Tracey. “Look, she’s drooling that silver crap, and no part of her is eaten. If it were me, I would have nibbled on her drumstick thigh, because it’s the tastiest part of a wuzzle. Much more flavor than the arm. Just saying. It was those Dredd Doctor things that killed her.”

Because they don’t want to alert Beacon Hills to the existence of Wuzzles, Scott’s pack decide to take Tracey’s gross dead body back to Deaton’s office, where he can give a parting boring monologue about genetics, before he skips off to star in a few episodes of The Walking Dead.

“Look, it’s my baby teeth! I saved them in a jar, because I’m adorable . . . and because I have way too much time on my hands.”

“The fact that Tracey was able to cross the mountain ash, and has the body parts of two past supernatural villain creatures on the show, means she’s a genetic freak, not a supernatural one,” Deaton explains.

“Are you saying that an adult’s genetic code can be altered at will by injection? Because that sounds like kind of crappy scientific logic,” the pack muses.

“To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”

Later in science class, Scott’s awful AP Bio teacher, whose probably going to end up being Malia’s mom, or something, conveniently teaches Scott about wuzzles, calling them “chimeras,” but I think wuzzle is a better name for them, personally.

She goads Scott into picking up a drop form for her class, and then seems sad, when he actually takes her advice.

Women . . . sheesh. I am one, and sometimes I don’t understand us . . .

Jujitsu? I Hardly Know You!

Back at the hospital, Lydia day dreams that she is a victim of the Dredd Doctors, while she’s in surgery for her belly wound. But, obviously, it’s real, because, like I said earlier, dreams on this show are always real.

Then, Parrish creepily watches her sleep, envisions burning her face off with his finger, like he did with the playing card that looks like her, and offers to teach he jujitsu, because . . . plot reasons.

Aren’t Crime Scenes Sacred Anymore?

Meanwhile, Malia sashays into Tracey’s house, and thumbs around her personal belongings, because, in Beacon Hills, crime scenes are easier to get into than R-rated movies, and admission is free!

There, she comes across this book, which isn’t actually a real book, by the way. I know, because I checked . . .

In other Malia news, she decides to put her search for her mother on hold, to help her pack mates with Beacon Hill’s Wuzzle Problem.

Awww, our little werecoyote is putting other’s needs before her own. She’s all grown up!

In fact, she’s the most grown-up almost 30-year old playing a teenage girl, since, well, all the other almost 30-year olds playing teenage girls on this show . . .

Twerking with your Wuzzle of the Week

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Jeff Davis decides he hasn’t done a gay nightclub / techno dancing sequence yet this season, and so we get Club Sinema.

Apparently, just as we’ve all long suspected, nearly every male in Beacon Hills conveniently happens to be a homosexual . . .

. . . including Brett . . .

. . . and Mason . . .

. . . and our wuzzle of the week, Lucas, whose cover is totally blown, when his arm boners, accidentally flay his boyfriend . . .

Also at cinema is Scott’s Mini Me, Liam, and his love interest, who got a job working as a bar wench at an over 21 night club, despite looking about 12, because she’s “poor” or something . . . also because the bar owner is probably a pedophile.

Lucas’ arm-boner problem gets him into trouble, once again, when he’s making out with Mason. Fortunately, help is on the way. En route to the scene of the soon-to-be crime, Scott tells Kira he loves her, because no place is a more romantic place for a straight couple to exchange “I love yous” for the first time, than outside the gay nightclub, where your friends are possibly being murdered.

Scott and co easily disarm Lucas, because, apart from the whole arm boner thing, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I mean, sure he made his boyfriend’s arm look like bacon, but he apologized for it! In short, Lucas just wants what every teenage gay boy wants, to hide his sexual dysfunction long enough to get laid.

Nighty night!

Then, Kira turns all Powderpuff girl again, and tries to kill Lucas, for no good reason whatsoever. Fortunately, Scott stops Kira from doing this just in time, and looks at her with these seriously judgy eyes. “Hey Kira, you’ve been acting like kind of a b*tch lately. Is it your time of month?”

“Hey Scott, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to blame a woman’s emotions on PMS?” Kira scolds.

“Yeah, sorry,” Scott apologizes.

“Just kidding. It’s totally PMS. And I’m going to try to murder you in your sleep every night for the next three-to-five days,” Kira adds with a giggle.

Then, the Dredd Doctors murder Lucas for no discernable reason, whatsoever.

“Hey, why did you do that?”   Scott asks dumbfoundedly. “He was kind of hot.”

“Because we are the bad guys, duh!” The Dredd Doctors reply, before exiting stage left.

Back in the morgue, Scott is sad about Lucas’ untimely demise. “I should have saved him,” he complains to his mother.

“Stop shoulding all over yourself,” Scott’s mom replies.

“Hey, I stopped pooping the bed when I was ten,” Scott argues.

“I said ‘shoulding’ you dummy,” Scott’s mom answers. “What I mean, is stop beating yourself up. If you weren’t absolutely terrible at your job of saving your friends from horribly excruciating supernatural deaths, you wouldn’t be my son.”

“Awww! Thanks mom!” Scott responds.

More Naked Parrish? – Jeff Davis says, “Your Welcome.”

Later that night, Naked Garbage Man of Wuzzles, steals Arm Boner Lucas from the morgue, carries him to that big ole tree stump that was a big plot point a few seasons back, and burns his body to ash.   Meanwhile in Hell, Darach Jennifer cries, because if she had a Naked Garbage Man helping her out during her season, she might still be alive and humping Derek Hale today . . .

Bummer!

In Which Stiles Gets One Hell of a Hickey

In the final scene of the episode, Stiles fixes his broken down jeep with tape, because he, like everyone else on this show, has an obvious death wish.

Then Donovan comes with that extra mouth on his hand, and uses it to place a rather large hickey on my favorite character’s neck.

How exactly are you going to explain that one to your girlfriend, Stiles?

Until next time, Werebangers!

Teen-ier Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Benefactor”

Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick.  And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?

If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .

Not sold yet?  Did I mention the episode involves a Party?

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]

Tie me up, tie me down . . .

Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .

“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”

Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.

Smells like Teen Spirit.

“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely.  “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”

“Who me?  Couldn’t be?”

“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub.  (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)

The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .

“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie?  He makes bathtime so much more fun!”

In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t  over the past three seasons.  (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)

“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!“

What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.

“Now you behave!”

“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”

(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)

“Ewwww emotions, gross!”

Liam, apparently, knew this.  (Maybe he has sisters?)  And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.

“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”

“What the heck is your problem, Liam?”  Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality.  (That tub was sparkling clean!  Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)

“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”

Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .

Don’t Worry Peter.   Derek is next .  . .

Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”

You know what I do?  I TURN ON LIGHTS!  LOTS OF THEM!  It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .

 

“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”

Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .

“This kind of stings.  Not going to lie.”

What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.  Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered  . . ..

Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?

50 Shades of Malia

Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend .  . .

Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?

Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps.  What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps?  A second rate one, that’s who!

Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .

“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!

In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”

I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making .  . .

Speaking of unseemly scents .  . .

“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving  .  . . Like Herpes, or HPV”

Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . .  .

“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray?   It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”

So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”

But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?

Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .

Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .

. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .

“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”

You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .

So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?

No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!

After all, it worked out so well .  . . All Those Other Times, remember?

As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a  She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.

Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t.  Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .

“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit!  They are special genetic anomalies!  And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”

And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house .  . .

That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .

You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house .  . .

. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .

. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .

.  . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?

Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .

Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .

“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”

Taming the Beast

Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar.  The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face.  (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)

Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk.  “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.

“This is my happy face.”

“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.

Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.

You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy.  I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .

“Bad hair day?”

Don’t feel bad, Malia.  After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!

You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.

“I hate my job.”

“Lost my head.”

Now, that’s just cold!

“He had it coming.  He was overcharging for beer.”

Naughty and Nice

If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason.  He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet.  Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!

“Have no fear.  I am the Carpet Whisperer.”

Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains.  She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!

“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”

Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .

Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.

“Eye boner.”

B*tch!  No wonder the kid is pissed off!  Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!

Control is Overrated

These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.

Wait . . . WHAT?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me.  But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.

Don’t hate me yet.  Just hear me out.  Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control .  . .

Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed.   And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.

If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .

But what do I know?   I’m not a were-anything . . .

On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .

Maybe  this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .

Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .

I Got Your Text

I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime.  As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .

In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore.  And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites.  But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages .  . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass.  How embarrassing!  SOS!”

Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . .  .

That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .

You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)

Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.

But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .

Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .

Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster.  You’re a werewolf, like me.  (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes.  Remember that, b*tch!”)

Liam looks vaguely impressed.  Then again, maybe he’s just tired.  He’s had a really crappy night.

So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place?  (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)

Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?

Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang.  The Benefactor says you’re all going to die!  And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .

Sucks to be you!

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

Bad Mouth! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Muted”

We’ve all been there . . . said something we shouldn’t have said . . .

. . . kissed someone we shouldn’t have kissed . . .

. . . eaten something we shouldn’t have eaten.

When you really think about it, our mouths are probably the second most trouble-making body parts we have.  (I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out the most trouble-making body part.)

In a way, it was kind of fitting that this week’s installment of Teen Wolf starred a creepy mouthless dude, especially considering how all the people on the show with mouths were getting screwed over by them, left and right, throughout the hour.  (Geez, three sentences into my recap, and I’ve already made two sex metaphors.   It must just be one of those weeks .  . .)

So clean the blood off your pussy . . . cat, leave an “Out to Lunch” sign on your door for the local axe murderer, and, for heaven sakes, wipe that smirk off your face!  It’s time for another Teen Wolf recap.

[As always, a hearty Werebanger Roar to screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who enticed me to research the term Wendigo prior to writing this recap.  (And by “research,” I mean type the word into Wikipedia and skim the first two paragraphs . . .)]

Strangers in the Night (Exchanging Chompers)

Now, I know that Mouthless Morty (a.k.a. The Mute) was supposedly only stalking Sean and his Wendigo family to make a few quick bucks, by eliminating some supernatural Beacon Hills residents from “The Benefactor’s” Deadpool.

And yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Guy With No Teeth chose as his first target the kid with a spare set of pearly whites in his mouth, ripe for the taking.  Do you?

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  When we first meet Sean, he’s just your average, mildly attractive, non-cannibalistic, high school boy, sleeping peacefully in his bed with visions of the dead bodies in his basement dancing in his head.  He awakens in the middle of the night, to find that he’s misplaced his pussy  . . .

“Pussy Come!”

So, he goes outside to look for her.

 

“Here, Pussy, Pussy!  Come here, Sweet Pussy!”

Silly Sean!  Why would your pussy go outside in the cold, when it has a perfectly warm spot to lay, right in your bedroom?

Having given Pussy up for dead, Sean returns to his house, which is pretty swanky . . . not necessarily, high school teacher Kira’s dad’s house swanky . . .

. . . or Lydia Martin’s (whatever it is her parents do for a living) mansion swanky.  But Sean’s ma and pa are definitely raking in more dough than say Scott’s Nurse, Who Basically Runs the Entire Hospital By Herself Mom, and Stiles’ Only Officer Over the Age of 25 in the Beacon Hills PD Dad.

(Thus proving that “eating your competition” is, in fact, a legitimate way to achieve the American Dream .  . .)

Anywhoo, Sean finds some telltale paw-sized bloody footprints near the side of his bed, which, in and of itself, shouldn’t be all that alarming to a cannibal, who happens to own a cat.  And Sean isn’t alarmed.  In fact, when he first finds the naughty pussy (named Willow, no less.  As in Pussy Willow?  Seriously!) under his bed, he’s super relieved! That is, until he takes a closer look . . .

“Anyone got a tampon?”

(Truth be told, nothing freaks out an Alpha Male more than a bloody pussy .  . .)

 As if on cue, immediately upon finding Pussy Willow lying in a pool of blood not her own, Sean hears the horrifying sounds of his family being bludgeoned to death next door.  It’s legitimately terrifying.   Davis has done a good job building suspense in these first few moments of the episode, and is now about to give his Werebangers the payoff we’ve both wanted and feared since the hour began.

And by payoff, I mean a really nice shot of Sean flexing his muscles shirtless . . .

And also the whole creepy axe murderer stalking Sean through his home, and casually tossing tomahawks in his general direction . . .

. . . but mostly the whole Shirtless Thing.

“Hello Sean.  I just killed your family.  Do you want to die like them, begging for your life.  Or, do you want to fight?” A Darth Vader-y voice bellows from a laptop that Mouthless Morty has conveniently brought along for this murderous occasion.

(Morty, it must be said, is an impressively fast typist. having tapped out the entire phrase above in under ten seconds.  If this whole Hitman of Supernaturals thing doesn’t work out, he should definitely consider a successful career as a Court Reporter. Then again, maybe he pre-types his threats before he heads off on his killing sprees . . .)

This is pretty much your textbook case of fight-or-flight response.  Sean, who is played brilliantly by Glenn McCuen, is clearly devastated by the loss of his entire family, but he’s also intensely pissed off.  He hates Mouthless Morty for ruining his life, and would like nothing more than to make him suffer an excruciating death.  But Sean is no dummy (poor pussy-finding skills aside).  As he stands in his bedroom, fists clenched, ready for battle, you can almost see the wheels turning in his brain.  Should I fight?  Can I take this guy out?

Nope  . . .

Meanwhile, in another apartment for Lost Boys without parents . . .

That’s a lot of money, honey .  . .

Derek and Peter (Do these guys live together now?  Because, last I checked Derek’s loft apartment lacked even a single bed, not to mention a toilet) find themselves across the table from hired gun Braeden, with whom they are in the process of (poorly) negotiating the terms of Kate’s recapture.  Here’s how it goes down.  Derek makes an offer.  Braedan makes a counter-offer that, from the look on Peter’s face is about double what Derek offered.  Derek accepts the offer immediately, and without reservation.

Geez Derek!  Everyone knows you never accept the first offer in negotiations.  Didn’t they teach you anything in Brooding Bad Boy Beefcake School?

“Ummmm . . .”

Peter is understandably furious, recognizing that now that he is cash poor, he may actually have to get a Real Job based on a resume that boasts only the following skills:

*master manipulator

*the ability to return from the dead

*the ability to look younger than you actually are

*lady killer

*complete lack of conscience

*possible sociopath

*definite megalomaniac

*occasionally (and inexplicably) speaks with a British accent, despite not being British

*looks great in a V-neck

Come to think of it, this sounds like the resume of most CEOs from major Fortune 500 Corporations.  Peter will be just fine.  I don’t know why he’s so worried!

But then Derek flashes his new golden eyes at Peter, and everything changes.  It appears that, in addition to temporarily kidnapping his manhood, Kate has gone and made Derek a virgin again . . . well, a Murder Virgin, at least . . . (There’s no magical spell in all the land that is going to erase that icky Darach Sex from Derek’s history.)

Talk about beer googles . . .

Oh Captain, My (Soon-to-Be) Former Captain

Warning:  The actor who plays new-kid-in-town Liam is NOT LEGAL.  (This is not a drill, like back when we were all shamefully crushing on Stephen McQueen from Vampire Diaries, who despite playing a 15-year old, was actually in his early 20’s . . .  thankfully.)

This is real.  If you are over the age of 18, and you are reading this, you are officially not allowed to lust over this . . .

. . . or this . . .

. . .  or this . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot, blah, blah, blah, this kid is very good at lacrosse, and may put Scott’s position as captain in jeopardy, blah . . .

REMINDER, YOU CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE . . .

We know return you to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

Because Human Beings Can Be Serial Killers Too (Who knew?)

So, like I said, if you happen to be under 18 and reading this, Jeff Davis has already generously offered up a new specimen of man crush to you in the form of Liam (because you definitely shouldn’t get too attached to Pussy Willow-owner Sean).

But fear not, Fellow Old Farts, Davis has provided some age-appropriate eye candy to YOU too . . .

Recognize This Guy?

No?  How about now?

That’s right, Werebangers, Beacon Hills newest Dr. McDreamy is none other than Connor The Hunter from TVD, who, by the way, seems to be making some pretty blatant Googly Eyes at Scott’s mom . . .

Sorry, Scott’s dad, you just got served .  . .

Speaking of served . . . look who is back?

“Memba me . . . and my pussy?”

Later Scott’s mom and Stiles’ dad find themselves in the morgue,  dealing with the all-too-familiar sensation of sorting through piles of freshly dead bodies.  Having determined, based on the corpse eviscerations, that the murderer of Sean’s family is actually MAN and NOT WOLF (or lizard, or fox, or were jaguar, or evil Japanese spirit), two-thirds of the adult contingent on this show surreptitiously slap one another five that they won’t be needing to further traumatize their children, by bringing them into this mess . . .

Haha, that’s what THEY think  . . .

This Means (Sports) War . . .

Back at School, Stiles and Scott unsuccessfully attempt to bully young Liam into admitting he’s a Were-Something.

“How hairy are you?  Seriously, take off your shirt!  Let me see your body hair?”

What’s the matter Scooby Gang, you’ve never met a Real Teenage Boy who is actually naturally good at sports?

No?  Well, than you have reason to fear, because this kid is super attractive (objectively speaking!), super talented, and (gasp) super ready to take your spots as the new lacrosse captain, not to mention, the new protagonist of this show, after you both head off to the dreaded-for-all-teen-shows C-word . . . College.

It’s been a while since this show, has had a good old fashioned Sports Brawl!  So, you have to sympathize a bit with our heroes for showing up at the table a bit unprepared .  . .

In Scott’s and Stiles’ defense, they’ve been a bit distracted, of late, with things like Family Murdering Axe Murderers . . .

. . . not-so-much girlfriends, who are secretly moving, but don’t want to tell you, because you kiss them like you are their grandpa . . .

. . . Big Spoons, who are REALLY bad at math . . .

“1 +1 equals . . . the number of bites it would take to chew off Lydia’s leg?”

And . . . what the heck is going on with this guy’s neck?  EWWWWWWW!

Slurp, slurp

When “being himself” leads to Scott totally stinking up the joint in practice, Stiles plays the devil on Scott’s shoulder .  . .

(But not that devil.  Stiles is done with that.  Jeff Davis’ has promised that our hero will be funny again, this year.)

 . . . and convinces our True Alpha to embrace his inner werewolf to secure his position as Captain of the Lacrosse Team . . .

He does . . .

 . . . and, of course, it goes badly . . . for Scott and Stiles . . .

. . . and then, thanks to a friendly wager from Malia, it goes REALLY badly, for Liam . . .

I’m Bringing Sexual Tension Back . . .

Gun-for-hire Braedan and Musclely Dudebro Derek share all the markings of a film noir romance . .  .

She talks in whispers, impersonates FBI agents, speaks in riddles (and in Spanish), likes to walk around half naked, and wears really right leather pants . . .

He is tortured, brooding, and looks at people like this .  . .

It’s a match made in Beacon Hills Heaven . . .

Elsewhere in sexual tension town, Deputy Hot Pants is casing the joint at Sean’s house, when he finds Lydia “I Smell Dead People” Martin snooping around there.

He really likes what he sees . . . (hey Deputy, better make sure she’s 18, first . . .)

Then, they find the decaying bodies in the basement, and he doesn’t like what he sees . . . at all . . .

“I could really go for some blush and a self-tanner.  Maybe a hot oil conditioning treatment for my hair.  I hear the local salon gives a discount to people who prove they’ve been dead for at least a week.”

 Meanwhile, back at school, Scott tries to awkwardly apologize to Kira for the Grandpa Kiss .  . .

But then, he finally grows some balls, tells her, he’s not sorry at all, and gives her a Real Kiss . . . with tongue . . .

“Tastes like kitsune.”

Thank you, Scott, who, in the words of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character in Cruel Intentions, has been pursuing Kira with the speed of a Special Olympic Hurdler.  It’s about damn time . . .

It’s Not Over Yet . ..

With the taste of Scott’s Wolf Tongue still fresh on her lips, and a surprise offer to be the only girl on the male lacrosse team in her hot little fingers, Kira finally finds the courage to tell her parents, in no uncertain terms, that she is not moving back to NYC .  . .

“Last I checked, I’m still a series regular on this show!”

In other Girl Power news, Malia learns that the way to Stiles’ heart is not through his stomach . . .

. . . or, even through his mouth. . .

. . . rather, it’s by establishing shared interest in color-coding Mysteries of the World . . .

(And the fact that she’s established romantic rival Lydia, as a gibberish writing nutjob certainly doesn’t hurt . . .)

(Note: If you recall, the notes in Lydia’s notebook are a near perfect match to the ones that popped up on Mouthless Morty’s computer, when he was doing that creepy neck blood transfusion thing, earlier in the episode . . .)

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

After a quick warning from Lydia, Scott quickly learns that adorable Sean is a two-eyed, two-rows-of-teeth, nice abs, people eater, whose already devoured a deputy, and now has his sights on Scott’s mom.

It’s ALPHA TIME!

Time to pop those bubbles again!

Scott arrives on the scene, just in time to prevent his mom from becoming Wendigo Chow, when dumb Liam hobbles out of his room to investigate some mysterious roaring sounds . . .

“Gee, sounds like murder.  I’m unarmed and crippled!  Let’s go investigate!”

OK, Scott.  It’s time to do your hero thing, again.  But this time . . . try not to further injure your fresh meat.  OK?

“I’ll get you little hunky, and your role as Jackson’s and Isaac’s replacement on this show too!”

“No way dude!  You’ve already been through puberty!  Much too old.  Don’t worry mini Jackson.  I’ll save you!”

“Gnom, gnom, gnom . . . tastes like illegal hottie!”

“Sploog!”

“Got your back, Alpha!  Give me a call if you ever need another strong and silent type in your pack.”

“Great!  Now, I’m one legged and one armed.  Thanks a lot, Scott!”

So, much for that . . .

When Scott, finds his future boy Friday, Liam dangling from the hospital roof, he gets an unexpected helping hand from Morty Mouthless,who dispatches the last member of the Wendigo family with aplomb, but not before Scott has innocently buried his teeth in little Liam’s wrist, dooming him to a hairy future, where he’ll be forced to shave about two years earlier than he would have as a human . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them doesn’t have a mouth . . .

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

 Foreplay?

And whatever this all is   .  .

Until next time, Werebangers!

How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

Before?

After?

Oh Derek!  You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead!  Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.

In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .

. . . to being . . .

. . . tortured and emasculated .  . .

. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .

. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .

. . .  outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .

. . . your psychotic uncle . . .

. . . the local veterinarian . . .

. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .

. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .

(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear.  It could be much, much worse.  You could be . . . Boyd.)

Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .

. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths .  . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.

When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?

But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him.  Because, really, that’s just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]

Bring It On 8 – In it to win it chew your face off

Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .

 

But, alas, this is not that universe.  In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .

“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”

“Calgon, take me away!”

While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .

The Potty’s Over

Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?

Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes.  And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.

Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .

Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business.  But not this guy.  This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.

“Is it because you ate the bean burrito?  I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”

“Bean burrito this, asshole!”

And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent.  (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)

Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands.  (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)

I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?

LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”

KIRA:  “Wow, you’re good!”

Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going .  . .

Adventures in Wolf-Sitting

When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.

Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

“Fresh meat!”

While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.

“Fresh meat!”

Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before.  Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.

And why not?  Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .

Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right?  The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .

Then again, maybe not.

You know what this means.  Mini-Hulk?  Smash!

“You can trust us!  We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”

“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”

It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .

Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.

“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”

Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.

During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia.  Little Spoon, eh?  Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?

“Fork me?”

Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons.  They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’

Speaking of licking things.  Malia, repeat after me.  “Highlighters are NOT food.”

“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”

During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.  Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop.  Ruh Roh!

Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .

It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode.  Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!

“Oh look.  Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”

This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having.  Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble.  At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet  . . .

Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .

Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.  There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact.  Then again, I guess that’s the point.   Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

“Like a virgin.   Touched for the very first time . . . again.”

“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers!  Let that be a lesson to you!

Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.  You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense).  Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.

Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.

“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”

Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.

“Have fun, kids.  Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”

Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.

I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.

But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.

So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24^th birthday.)

What would YOU do Wolfbangers?

For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

Hooray!

For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..

Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?

Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?

I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?

Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

The Return of Cousin Miguel

So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?

Always the Little Spoon . . .

Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?

Good times!

And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!

This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.

And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?

Who knew the guy,  who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .

(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)

 

In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell.  And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts.  “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right?  Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire?  He inquires benignly.

“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”

Rats!  Foiled again, Scooby Gang.  I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .

Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”

Romancing the Tryskelion

They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .

Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!

After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1.  (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.

“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.

According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this  . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!

Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .

Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

“Open Sesame!”

“Hey!  Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend!  Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom.  Ooh, I’m sorry.  Too soon?”

Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon.  And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.

Taking off the Training Wheels

The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument.  Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power.  It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .

“It’s magically delicious!”

Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion.  Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it.  Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card.  The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!

And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.

“Suckaaaa!”

As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well.  I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy.  Or did she?

Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone   . .  .

Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers

Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess.  The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends.   Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired.  This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here?  Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.

Papa Bear

Mama Bear

Baby Bear

That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?

Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang.  And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go.  Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .

“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”

But worry not, Werebangers.   Baby Derek is here to save the day!

Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.

He’s baaaaaaack!

This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years .  . .

I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .

(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)

Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.

It All Comes Down to the Money

In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.

(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)

Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far.  Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault.  It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.

“Berserkers STARE!”

From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!

And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes .  . .

“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

OK.  Now, I’m legitimately freaked out.  (That poor pussy . . . cat.)

Until next time, Werebangers!

Change or Die – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 Premiere “The Dark Moon”

Source

 

Hey there, Werebangers! It’s summer time. It’s hot. School is out. We are just a few days shy of America’s Independence Day! What better time to check back in with our favorite assorted supernatural thingys and “boy normals” of Beacon Hills?

There comes a time in every successful television series’ life, when it becomes faced with the inevitable question: Change . . .

. . . or Die?

 

Now, if it were up to the producers of these series, this point would never come. Good shows would stay forever the same. And why not? The Same is what made their series a hit in the first place. The Same is what got them this far . . . past the thousands of series like them that never made it past their first season . . . past the Curse of the Sophomore Slump. The Same is Good. Isn’t it?

But then, usually around the series’ first or second season, THINGS start to happen . . . THINGS that kick The Same in the ass, and watch it to see how it responds. Cast members age . . . they leave the series . . showrunners abandon ship . .. . characters break the rules that made their season 1 selves who they are, and, eventually THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

For Teen Wolf, the show that, in and of itself, can be described as one Big Ole Metaphor for Puberty, The Revolt against Same came a bit early. Scott and Stiles weren’t set to graduate for at least another year. And a good writer could make that year last about three seasons . . . or until one of their “high school” characters starts to look like Andrea Zuckerman from Beverly Hills 90210 . . .

But then came the Mass Exodus. Jackson, Erica, Cora, The Twins, Isaac, Allison. They all jumped ship within a relative short amount of time. Scott suddenly found himself without a love interest, a frenemy, and a surrogate brother. And Stiles, well, it seemed like every woman his lips touched was destined to disappear . . .

And so Jeff Davis found himself faced with the question every showrunner dreads: Change or Die?

So, he decided to Change . . .Here’s how he did it . . .

[As always, special thanks to my main man Andre, who screencaps like a maverick, and comments like a Pulitzer Prize winner in the making.  Welcome back, my friend.]

Como se dice “screwed” en espanol?

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of ideal teen destination vacations in Mexico, I generally think of places like Cancun, Tijuana, Cozumel, Cabo San Lucas, Playa del Carmen . . . sunny beachy party spots, accentuated with a continuous soundtrack of techno music with a loud thumping base, and all the watered down booze you can drink . . . where everyone around you is ridiculously thin, young and tan, and no one is sober.

I don’t picture a weirdly orange-tinted town that looks like the set design for the opening market scene in a high school production of Disney’s Aladdin. And yet, that’s precisely where we find our favorite not-so-much couple (damn you, Interloper Malia)Stiles and Lydia in the first few moments of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 premiere.

“I see Old, Pale and Fat People . . . Stiles, I don’t think we’re in Beacon Hills, anymore.”

Then again, the Teen Wolf gang aren’t exactly your average teenagers. They are werewolves . . . kitsune . . . banshee . . . survivors of Nogitsune possession . . .

. . . girls who spent all of puberty licking themselves clean in a cave, relieving themselves in bushes, snacking on the legs of dead rabbits, and avoiding traps set for them by their homicidal father . . . who, despite all this, seem remarkably well-adjusted and verbal, apart from the occasional desire to cannibalize her friends . . .

And they aren’t here for fun and games. They are here to rescue one of their own . . . their erstwhile leader . . . a mid twenty something guy , who would prefer nothing more than to party with 17-year olds, despite the fact that he’s legitimately old enough to get into actual bars and buy himself beer without a fake ID, view porn on the internet, by punching in his real birthdate, and even rent a car.

In short, he’s Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused.

. . . but much broodier, and slightly less high.

Every self-respecting Scooby Crew has one. And Scott and co. want theirs back, safe and sound . . . in his creepy unfurnished apartment, where half the main cast has died . . .

Sorry Boyd.

So, like the true BAMF that he is, Stiles strolls up to the doorway of a secret, midday, siesta/ fiesta, flashes a tarot card to the surveillance camera .  . .

“Whose up for a game of Dungeons and Dragons?”

 .. .  and cruises into   . . . a Girls Gone Wild video?

What show am I watching again?

Things begin to become a bit more clear, when Lydia drops a golden bullet into a freely proffered tequila-filled shot glass. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . . who knows in whom that bullet has been?

“Actually, we have a pretty good idea who got penetrated by this particular bullet.”

Kind of jealous of the bullet right now . . . not going to lie.

The proverbial gauntlet has been thrown, and Stiles and Lydia are immediately taken to a back room to negotiate with . . . that middle-aged Mexican lady who randomly appeared in a few episodes last season.

“Because the disappearance of Gerard left an opening for a Token Geriatric.”

But Stiles and Lydia have not arrived at this party empty-handed. They’ve come with cash . . . lots and lots of cash, $50,000 to be exact. (That’s a lot of dough! I wonder how many ancient, highly impractical weapons Papa Argent had to pawn to come up with that kind of cash.)

“Now my swords are all I have left . . .”

“Give us Derek Hale, and you’ll have enough cash to buy your creepy, poorly located night club a snazzy disco ball to hang from the ceiling,” Lydia challenges . . . more or less.

That’s when the guns come out.

Ruh roh!

Time to call in the reinforcements!

Unfortunately, James Franco’s character from Spring Breakers wasn’t available. So, they had to settle for these guys . . .

“Hola!”

“Estoy aqui!”

“Uhh . . . donde esta el bano?”

Cue the opening credits . . .

You Got Tazed!

In our obligatory homoerotic portion of the episode, Malia and Kira attempt to “blend into the crowd,” by casually dry humping one another on the dance floor.

(Because everyone knows coyotes and foxes are absolute experts when it comes to homoerotic dry humping.)

Unfortunately, this interlude of hot animal loving is interrupted by the people with guns trying to beat down the Scooby Gang for crashing their party and offering to pay them $50,000 just for the opportunity to attend. The nerve!

Have no fear, Wolfbangers! Kira is prepared for a fight. She has . . . nunchuck glowsticks?

It looks like someone’s been spending too much time with the Ninja Turtles .   . .

Malia’s fighting tactics are a bit more . . . direct.

Then, of course, everybody has to go and get themselves gassed, which ruins everything. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, raves are naughty.

“Smells a little like farts in here . . .”

And since white gas doesn’t seem to be enough to bring down our Alpha, Mr. Scott . . . meet Mr. Tazer!

It’s Potty Time!

Scott and co, regain consciousness in a seriously gross bathroom . . . the kind of bathroom you only use, if you ever find yourself on a deserted highway, about fifty miles from the next rest stop, and having just drank an entire 2-liter bottle of Coke Zero. Even then, upon getting the looks of this place, you may ultimately opt for a quick squat in the bushes instead.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t be laying down.”

But wait. Someone’s missing! Where’s the banshee?

“Lydia’s gone? Is she hurt, wounded, suffering from a really bad hair day? Let’s gnaw off her leg with our teeth, like it’s a drumstick,” posits everyone’s favorite wilderness girl.

Oh Malia! Your rapidly changing coyote ways are adorable! Remember that time when you accidentally murdered your baby sister, and then proceeded to visit the scene of the crime every night for eight years, carrying the doll she loved most, while she was living, to pay your canine respects?

No? That’s OK! Because cannibalism is a much more endearing character trait.

Plus, Its Lydia. And let’s face it. As far as superhero powers go, hers so far, is pretty much lamest ever.

(Make that the second lamest . . .)

Take for example her flashback attempt to find Derek by touching the bullets that may have penetrated his man parts. “He’s not dead . . . but he’s not alive,” Lydia offers helpfully.

“Feels like bullets.”

Genius! Good thing Scott was there with his heretofore nonexistent ability to determine that Derek is in Mexico, just because the bullets that hit him just so happened to have pictures of skulls on them! Now THAT’S impressive!

By the way,  doesn’t putting your Gang Calling Card on the BULLETS YOU USE TO KILL PEOPLE make you the dumbest crime family ever?

Next we see Lydia with Mexican Mommy in the town square. “Hey Lydia,” says Mommy. “Tell me which of my guards is about to die.”

“Feeling kind of sick.  Montezumas Revenge?”

Lydia considers this for a moment. “Hmmm . . . I’m not sure. Perhaps, it’s the one into whose carotid artery you just tossed a knife.”

“I got it!  It’s the guy falling down dead!  He’s the one that’s about to die!  Best Banshee Ever!”

Very good! Then again, I probably could have figured that out, and I’m not a banshee. I’m not even Irish . . .

Electro-Shock Therapy

So, basically, these Calavares Mexican Hunter folks have this rather rude habit of tying up members of the Teen Wolf cast, and shocking them with electricity, in hopes that it will force the werewolves to provide information they aren’t aware they have.

“No me gusta.”

To me, it seems like a kind of odd interrogation tactic. Since having volts of electricity frying your brain at regular intervals seems like it would make seemingly unimportant things that happened during Season 1 of Teen Wolf more difficult to remember, not less.

Nonetheless, Mexican Mommy forces Kira to repeatedly shock Scott, while she continuously screams at him to tell him where Derek is . . .

Derek, the same guy the Scooby Gang went to the Calavares’ trying to find.

Color me confused. Hey Mexican Mommy! There are easier ways to do this. Perhaps, you can try letting Scott fondle your bullets. That’s how he figured out you were in Mexico. (Then again, maybe your accent gave it away.)

Meanwhile, still stuck in the grimy bathroom, Malia pretends not to be able to hear Scott screaming from electric shock in the room right next door, as an excuse to suck face with Stiles . . . not that I blame her . . . at least not entirely.   If it were me, I suspect I would have been a bit more blunt in my execution. “Hey Stiles, I think I may have left my werecoyote super hearing in the back of your throat.   Would you mind terribly if I extracted it with my tongue?”

“Nope .  . . can’t hear anything.  Just the sound of flushing toilets.”

“You can do this, Malia.  You can do anything.  Like the time you figured out how to have human sex, despite having spent the last eight years humping trees.”

Glowing blue eyes = were coyote lady boner

Hey, speaking of which, remember that time Lydia kissed Stiles to cure his panic attack?

Yeah, this was so much less epic than that . . .

Sorry . . . not sorry.

Back in Torture Town, Scott finally Alphas out and figures out what the rest of us learned back in the Season Finale, namely that Kate Argent, that evil wench whose been relegated to hosting that darn Wolf Watch after show all year, became a were – SOMETHING WITH BLUE FACE, back when Peter clawed her up back in Season 1, and, for reasons not yet apparent, kidnapped Derek and took him to good ole Mexico.

Hey, maybe shock therapy is an effective memory device after all!

La Loba Esta en La Iglesia

So, it turns out Mexican Mommy knew where Derek and Kate were all along! She was just torturing Scott and co. for sh*ts and giggles . . .oh, and possibly to see whether Scott’s True Alpha form was a cool scary gorilla thing like Peter’s . . .

. . . or an angry kid, who forgot to activate the red eye reduction on his camera like Derek . . .

*shrugs*

Better luck next time, Scott! On the bright side, at least you don’t have to wear those ridiculous ears and sideburns anymore . . .

Mexican Mommy offers Scott and Co. the help of a familiar face in tracking down Derek and Kate.

Welcome back, Bad Ass Braedan!

On the way to the place where Kate was last seen, the Scooby crew pass the time, by helpfully summarizing the series’ first season for new fans . . . and Malia and Kira.

“I love road trips!  Hey, mind if I stick my head out the window, while we drive?”

Remember when Kate set fire to the Hale house, killing the entire Hale family . . . except Derek . . . and Peter . . . and Cora . . . and Laura, who died at Peter’s hand later . . .?

Correction: remember when Kate set fire to the Hale House and pretty much only killed Derek’s mother, and maybe an uncle or two who we never met?

Then Peter went on a murderous Alpha rampage, turning Scott into a werewolf, and murdering Kate . . . or so we thought?

What actually happened, was that the Calavares extracted Kate from her box in the morgue, and brought her all the way across the border to their magical mystical Mexico bathroom, so she could off herself, without suffering the ignominy of turning into the big bad in Season 4 of Teen Wolf.

“Looks pale, needs a manicure . . . lets take her south of the border!”

And that plan was a big fat failure . . .

So, how does Scott know this? I guess we are supposed to assume that Mexican Mommy told him off screen. Either that, or electro shock therapy is so amazing, it helps you to remember even events for which you weren’t present.

We interrupt this trip down retconned memory lane to bring you a CLAW IN STILES’ JEEP.

Since Braeden’s motorcycle is unfortunately only large enough to seat two asses, Stiles and Scott agree that the Alpha Wolf should be the one to enter the abandoned church.  Makes sense.   After all, Stiles’ days as a mass murdering Japanese fox spirit probably wouldn’t sit too well with the local bible thumpers . . .

Plus, Stiles loves his Jeep, just a teensy bit more than he loves Scott . . .

And so our stalwart Scooby Gang break Rule 1 of Every Horror Movie Ever by Splitting Up in the Abandoned Desert After the Car Mysteriously Breaks Down.

“It’s too bad our relationship is still PG, otherwise I would be dry humping you so hard right now.”

“CHUMPS!” Yells out the now-deceased casts of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Reeker, Wrong Turn, Vacancy, etc.

“This may be the worst idea we’ve ever had.  And we’ve had some really crappy ideas.”

Things go slightly better for Stiles And Friends, who have the benefit of being the main characters in a television series. Because, clearly if this was a two-hour movie on Lifetime, they’d all be goners . . .

. . . except Lydia.   Girlfriend, just has one of those “I survived a horror movie, despite being the one in my group with the least survival skills” faces.

The worst thing that happens is Malia wolf’s coyotes out, and dashes off in search of a potential predator, causing Stiles to fear that she’ll suffer the same fate of every other non-red haired character who had the bad luck of almost hooking up with Stiles , only to never be seen again . . .

Either that or she’ll go back to coyote life, gnawing on rabbits legs, and imagining they are her weak and wounded friends, after a particularly poor hunting season . . .

Buuuuuuut, then Malia comes back . . . which is great . . . or lame, depending on where you fall on the Love Malia / Hate Malia spectrum. That’s one controversial coyote!

When Stiles calls Malia out on her “cut and run” attitude, the former cave girl promises the former Nogitsune host that she would never abandon him. As for Lydia and Kira, well, that’s another matter entirely.  So, in conclusion, if Stiles is injured or in danger, Malia will come to his rescue and stay by his side, for as long as it takes him to heal. If Lydia or Kira are injured or in danger, Malia will . . . possibly eat them.

Clearly, hos before bros is not a concept well known amongst the coyote community in Beacon Hills . . .

In which Tyler Hoechlin gets re-cast ?

You know those TV shows where they suddenly recast one of the main characters, and you, as the viewer, have to try really hard not to think about the fact that the person you’ve been watching on your screen for weeks, suddenly changed their face, and none of their friends or family seemed to notice?

That’s not what happened here . . .

Instead, after Braeden and Scott enter the Creepy Temple Covering an Aztec Burial Ground for Were Jaguars, and narrowly escape getting eaten alive by massive skeletony things, thanks to Scott’s roar . . .

. . . they find Derek . . . from about ten years ago . . .

“Peekaboo.  I see you!”

. . . the Derek from flashbacks . . . the one who is actually the same age as all his current friends.

A church that can turn back time . . . while you sleep!

Cool! I’ll have what he’s having!

And that was the Teen Wolf Season Premiere. And it was definitely different. Whether that change was for better or worse, remains to be seen. But I’m intrigued enough to go along for the ride. How about you?

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .corpses, lots and lots of corpses. I hope Malia is hungry!

Until next time, Werebangers!

[Hey!   I published a new book.  It’s called Me and You, Inc.   Curious?  Click here.]

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Silverfinger”

 

 

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Konnichiwa, Werebangers!  This past week, on a heavily Eastern Mythology-inspired episode of Teen Wolf, Scott and Kira read a children’s book together . . .

 

“I’m not a great reader.  But I’m very good at looking at pictures.”

Isaac dressed up like one of the bad guys from The Matrix . . .

 

 

Lydia . .  . did nothing, because she wasn’t in the episode.

And in earth-shattering, climactic news, Stiles . . .

. . . killed a firefly.

 

Perhaps, more than any episode in the 3B block, “Silverfinger” was, at its heart, an origin story.  Nothing fleshes out a hero more than a Great Origin Story.  It shows us what drives and motivates this character . . . how he came to be the living, breathing entity you are watching on screen.

But what about the Villain?  Too often writers don’t care enough about their villains to give them a satisfactory Origin Story.  Rather, their motivations for wreaking havoc are hastily explained in the moments before their demise at the hands of the hero.

Writers neglect their villains at their peril.  Because the viewing public loves a solid villain, one with specific dreams, goals and disappointments, beyond the usual “Plans for World Domination.”  Cool villains like the The Joker, Loki,  and Magneto make their protagonist counterparts more interesting, and their inevitable final encounters more epic.  In short,  it’s  the ultimate love / hate relationship . . . a twisted romance of sorts.

Now, I’m not saying that the Oni and Nogitsune we met this week, are particularly well fleshed out yet.  I mean, we aren’t even sure what the latter looks like.  And though there are five of the former, we still can’t tell them apart . . .kind of like those pesky not-so-Alpha twins.  Yet both of these baddies,  actually have fairly solid motivations for doing what they do.

 

“It’s complicated.”

The Oni are kind of like cops.  As far as they are concerned, the Nogitsune is seriously bad dude, a dark spirit that infects society with evil.  Is it so wrong them, for these guys to hunt it down and try to destroy it?  I mean, they are even learning from past mistakes and trying to minimize harm.  Back in the day, they used to just kill everybody, in hopes that one of them would be the Nogitsune.

 

“In hindsight, we might have overreacted just a bit.”

But now they test people first.  If they aren’t evil, they get a nice little neck tattoo and can go on their merry way.  That’s a pretty humane practice for a bunch of so-called super villains?  Don’t you think?

As for the Nogitsune, we’re told he’s this awful guy.  But so far, all he’s been doing is hiding from the Oni and trying his best to stay alive.  Wouldn’t each of us do the same thing, if some pesky fire fly guys were trying to kill us?

See . . . it’s all a matter of perspective, folks.  Let’s keep that in mind as we review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my Evil Genius Screencapper Andre,who is deftly plotting his path toward World Domination, one screenshot of shirtless men at a time . . .]

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

When Papa Argent first encountered the Oni (i.e. the new word we learned this week for the Firefly Guys), he wasn’t the badass Mr. Mom he is today.  Rather, he was a strapping young arms dealer, just trying to please his old man, by striking a deal with the Japanese Mafia.

 

“I’m way too attractive not to get my own prequel . . .”

Enter the Oni, whose idea of successfully closing a deal is killing everyone on the other side of it.

 

 

 

“Say hello to your intestines leaking out of your body.”

What a waste of some seriously swanky suits!

And then there was one left . . . and, as luck would have it, he was the one the Oni were searching for all along.

 

“I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty and witty and bright.  And I pity any yakuza who isn’t me tonight!”

This one supposedly had a dark spirit inside of him, and some awesome magical powers. But the only thing “impressive” I saw about him was impossibly large teeth and some bad cataracts.  He growled and made a lot of noise, but ultimately Nogitsune 1 died without putting up much of a fight.

 

 

“When are people going to learn that throwing your arms out and embracing the world pretty much guarantees you aren’t going to make it out of the end credits alive.”

Or did he?  Because I have this sneaking suspicion that a very important part of this story is missing.  And the Ole Horse Teeth was nothing more than a pawn in the Real Nogitsune’s game . . .

But, of course, we can forgive Papa Argent for being a bit hazy on the details.  After all, he was young (and hot) and spent most of the experience peeing himself behind a rock . . .

Then Young Papa Argent shot an Oni in the mask, and learned he had no face, which pretty much makes the Oni the Japanese Cousins of the soul-sucking Dementors from Harry Potter . . .

This little distraction allowed Little Papa Argent to escape  .  . .

Not satisfied with Papa Argent’s explanation of the leather suit-wearing freaks currently trying to murder them all, the Scooby Gang decide to gather additional intel from some old bald Japanese Yoda-like guy, who conveniently also survived the great Yakuza Massacre of 1980 something . . .

The problem, of course, is the last time Papa Argent attempted to find Beacon Hills Yoda, he kind of / sort of got his ass kicked . . .

So, being a Good Dad, Papa Argent does what any self-respecting father would do . . . he sends the guy who wants to bone his daughter directly into harms way, to do his dirty work for him!

It’s actually a pretty crafty idea, if you think about it. I mean, either way, the Elder Argent eliminates a threat . . . though the latter threat is only to his daughter’s panties . . .

Beauty and the Beast

Awww how sweet!  After a night of battling Oni, Kira rode home on the back of Scott’s motorcycle, he showed her his goofy-looking wolf face, and she fondled it, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, thus proving that this girl REAAAALLLY needs to get out more . . .

 

In other romance news, Ethan and Aiden stalk Scott on their matching motorcycles and tell him that they will stay loyally glued to his side forever and ever, or until he gets eaten and brutally murdered by Oni, whichever comes first.  I smell a werewolf threesome!

 

 

 

I guess there are some folks who were born to always be minions to “The Hottest Girl.”

Now, while I’m not entirely sold on the twins as individual characters,  I’m actually not minding the idea of them as part of Scott’s pack.  After all, up to this point, Scott’s Scooby Gang basically consisted of Allison (weaponry), Lydia (annoying screaming / death detection), Stiles (brains), and Isaac (?).   Every good pack needs a little muscle power . . . no matter how empty the heads that come attached to those muscle bags might be.  And Ethan and Aiden, they give good muscle (and good bone), if nothing else .  . .

Speaking of Stiles’ brains, they are beginning to look a bit less like hard boiled eggs, and a bit more like scrambled ones,  with each passing week . . .

This is your brain on Nogitsune . . .

Scott wants to warn Stiles about the Oni.  But Stiles is too freaked out that someone had the nerve to erase his chalkboard encoded murder message to Barrow about Kira.  That same someone has stolen his key to the chemistry closet.  Hey Stiles, ever heard the phrase, “Take a picture.  It lasts longer . . .”?

Maybe, next time, Kira will let you borrow her camera phone . . .

For his part, Scott is fairly confident that his best friend is not a love-interest murdering sociopath.  But, in all fairness, Scott and Stiles haven’t been spending all that much time together of late.  As for Scott, he’s been kind of busy swatting fireflies and eating mouthfuls of wasabi with his new girlfriend, the fox.  Meanwhile, Stiles has been making out with random bisexuals, going on investigation missions with his gal Friday Lydia, and, most recently enduring the horrors of a life that has become a perpetual waking nightmare.

Scott and Stiles have been so out of sync lately, that Scott has barely had time to tell Stiles all about his most recent Oni encounters.  This is a shame, because we all know that demon-possessed or not, Stiles would have been all up in that amazing opportunity for Nerd Research  . . .

Though not necessarily wise enough to retain evidence of his own serial killing tendencies, Stiles is smart enough to seek the help of a medical professional when he’s about to go full-on nutso.  He visits Mama McCall because she is clearly the only professional left alive in Beacon Hills hospital.  Being a mom first, and a nurse second, Mama McCall is loath to get Stiles any more riled up than he already is about the potential severity of his condition, before she knows what exactly is wrong with him.  And so, she diagnoses Stiles with “being sleepy, very sleepy,” shoots him up with some hospital-grade Ambien and shuffles the young lad off into Dream Land . . .

 

. . . which is precisely the place where all Stiles’ troubles began in the first place.

“Thanks, Mom,” indeed . . .

In the “After Show,” Holland Rhoden suggested that Stiles half-asleep referral to Scott’s mother as “Mom,” is a foreshadowing of sorts . . .

I’m going to take her word for it.  But, foreshadowing (and Mama McCall’s questionable medical tactics) aside, I actually think it was a very sweet, quiet, authentic moment between these two characters.  After all, why wouldn’t Stiles, whose spent at least the past few years of his young life without a mother, experience feelings of warmth and parental gratitude toward a woman he has known since he was a very small child and trusts very much, who has tucked him into bed, and is lovingly caressing his forehead as he drifts off into some much-desired sleep?

As for Stiles’ biological mom, it appears, based on some quick research on the part of Mama McCall that she experienced the same symptoms as Stiles shortly before her own death, which actually dovetails quite well with my trusty ole Brain Tumor Theory.

However, based on the last few moments of the episode, something a bit more supernaturally sinister may, in fact, be afoot here . . .

 

 

 

Why it’s bad to take selfies on your dad’s computer . . .

Agent McCall / Daddy Douche, tech savvy scamp that he is, apparently installed some security function on his computer that takes pictures of people other than him that try to use it.  And while I’d say, just password protecting the darn thing would be a heck of a lot more efficient  /effective.  Doing it this way, does make it that much harder for the intruder in question to deny his guilt.  Not to mention the fact that secret selfies are just hilarious.  Because who doesn’t look super goofy, while they are staring into a computer screen?

 

 

Anywhoo, Daddy Douche wants answers. So off he tromps to his son’s house to get them.

Meanwhile DARKNESS IS COMING . . .

Isaac Plays Dress-up

Sure Daddy Argent, dress your daughter’s boyfriend up in a penguin suit and send him into a scary warehouse filled with roid-raging bouncer types with really bad manicures under the pretense of selling some old gun.  Sounds like a great idea!

 

Because Isaac is not a total moron, he’s a bit conflicted about the whole “entering the jaws of death” thing.  So, Allison puts her tongue down his throat and makes him grab her ass, and suddenly everything is totally cool!  (Everyone claims Allison is totally human.  But I’m not so sure.  Clearly she has a Magical Vajayjay.)

 

 

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As Isaac yammers on about stuff he knows nothing about, the Argents easily work their way through the lamest excuse for security ever.  Then Mr. Clean tells Isaac the true story about the weapon he’s “selling,” turns out it was used by one Argent to shoot another one, before he could turn into a werewolf, back in the day.

 

Pretenses tossed away, Isaac and Mr. Clean both show their fangs to one another, while, upstairs, Papa Argent reunites with Silverfinger for the first time in 24 years . . .

 

Silver Finger . . .

 

 

Missing a Finger . . .

Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid is more than happy to explain to the Teen Wolf audience the mystery of the Firefly Guys.  They are Oni, demon warriors traveling through the darkness in search of one being possessed by a dark spirit, the Nogitsune, a form of kitsune.  They sift through individuals with supernatural auras, marking them with an S, once they have determined they are still themselves.  And once they find their target, they will kill everyone in their way to reach him or her.

Mr. Miyagi politely thanks Papa Argent for saving his life all those years ago.  Then, he warns the werewolf hunter that if he finds the Nogitsune he should kill it, “even if it is his own daughter . . . or that goofy kid that hangs out with her daughter’s wolfy boyfriends . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott and co. are back at his house, learning about the Oni the hard way . . .

It’s an Oni Slumber Party!

Scott, that horndog, somehow convinces Kira that the place she will be safest for the night is right in his bed . . .

So, Kira does what any girl would do when she finds herself in a sexual situation with the boy she likes.  She . . . pulls out a children’s picture book about kitsune and reads to him.

 

 

Dear Sweet Kira.  Didn’t you get the memo?  You’re on MTV, home of sexed up series like The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and about six shows starring Snooki . . .

Sesame Street is two studios down . . .

Scott’s and Kira’s playdate soon gets rudely interrupted by Agent McCall, who is piping mad about Scott and Kira getting their grubby pawprints all over his MacBook Air.  Then, Scott’s mom comes home.  And this place is starting to get more crowded by the second.

Honestly, for me, the funniest part of the episode, was when the CLEARLY DEMONIC AND SUPERNATURAL Oni materializes in the kitchen, and Scott’s dad’s response is not “AHHHHHHHH!!!”

Or, “HOLY F*&K!  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?”

As most normal people would react.  Rather, he’s all, “Who is this tall, poorly dressed gentleman?  He is clearly not on the lists of people I approved for you and your mother to hang out with, before I abandoned you both years ago?”

Doofy Papa McCall then walks toward the Oni like he’s actually going to ARREST HIM  .  . .

So, of course he gets a sword in his belly for his trouble . . .

 

With Papa McCall out of commission and Mama McCall tending to his wounds, this were-house party can really get started.  Enter Twins . . .

 

And Derek . . .

And MORE ONIS . . .

It’s like the blacklight party all over again, minus all the body paint and bad choices!

Mama McCall gains her hero wings by temporarily ejecting the Oni from her home using . . . you guessed it . . . Everybody’s Favorite Magical  Plot Device . . .

 

Buuuuuut then they get in anyway . . .

 

 

Allison conveniently calls Scott just in time to tell him that, provided he and his girlfriend are not totally evil, the Oni are just there to give them both nice neck tattoos.  So, chill out!

And so, hands clasped, Scott and Kira meet the Oni head on and prepare to receive their brands . . .

 

 

. . .  which they do.  So, the Onis disappear . . . in search of their real target.

 

 

“Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..”

That was easy.

Eat Stiles’ Dust, Firefly Guy!

In the hospital, Stiles awakens to find everybody gone.   He wanders sleepily into a lonely dark corridor, just as the McCall family wheel in douchey daddy on a gurney.

Then the Oni come to give Stiles his tattoo . . .

But we all know how Stiles feels about tattoos . . .

So, when the Oni moves to give him one he RIPS OUT THE ONI’S FIREFLY SOUL WITH HIS BARE HANDS, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM ALL .  . .

 

 

 

 

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It’s a miracle!  Stiles is a hero!  Yay Stiles!

Oh .  . . wait . . . that means he’s evil.  Oops!

Then, Scott comes in and Stiles acts like he’d didn’t just do something totally awesome and bad ass, which is not like Stiles at all.

Because everyone knows if the REAL Stiles defeated a villain, he’d be acting like this . . .

And this . . .

And this . . .

Not like this . . .

Consider myself officially freaked out by you, Stiles Stilinski .  . .

(You know that Grinch Gif is actually really frightening if you look at it for too long . . . )

Next week on Teen Wolf. . . AHHHHHH STILES NOOOOOOO!

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Until next time, Werebangers!