“Can you paint with all the colors of the wiiiiiiiiiiiiind?”
Aloha, Werebangers! Since the main driving force behind Season 3B is to illustrate the consequences of our Beacon Hill’s Scooby Gang landing on a Hellmouth, succumbing to a Kryptonite-Infused Meteor Shower, dropping The Veil between the Natural World and the Supernatural One, temporarily sacrificing themselves as a tribute to the Supernatural Beacon Tree that is the Nemeton, it makes sense that this collection of episodes would seem a bit more disjointed and “freak of the week”-y, than the ones that preceded them . . .
Let’s see, so far, in addition to our usual round-up of Alphas, Betas, Omegas, Banshees, Were-hunters, Emissaries, and people who REALLY, REALLY HATE MOUNTAIN ASH . . .
. . . we have met Were-Coyotes . . .
. . . Fly Guys . . .
. . . Bug Tummies (who may or may not be related to the Fly Guys) . . .
This is kind of like what happens to me whenever I eat burritos . . .
. . . Samurais (who also may or may not be related to the Fly Guys) . . .
It’s like the Scream Mask on Steroids . . .
. . . and Kira the Kitsune . . .
There’s a benefit to this type of narrative structure. For one thing, the plot possibilities are endless. (Consider how long shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and Scooby Doo managed to stay on air!) Freaks-of-the-Week also enable episode plots to be self-contained. This means that new and casual viewers can join the fandom at any time, without getting bogged down in the quagmire of complex series mythology.
The downside? End-of-the-season payoffs on these type of shows tend to be much smaller, and the rewards for loyal viewers, who stuck by the show since episode 1, are less substantial.
But hey, it’s only been three episodes. Maybe I’m wrong. Perhaps, all of these seemingly disconnected episodes are about to tie together in some brilliant way we have yet to discover. Maybe the entire season is taking place inside Stiles’ Brain Tumor!
On that note, let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a special thanks to Andre, whose X-Men esque spectacular screencapping abilities, unique YouTube video-finding powers, magically delicious capacity for internet research relating to all things supernatural, and undeniably awesome propensity toward snarky commentary, have all clearly been brought on by his being born next to a Nemeton-Tree . . . on a Hellmouth . . . surrounded by meteors.]
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure this show had actual seasons. But apparently, it’s almost Halloween! YAY!”
It’s Mischief Night over in Beacon Hills and Scott and Stiles have just broken into the school to play a very kitsune-approved prank on everyone’s favorite teacher, Coach Crackhead . . .
Meanwhile, over at The Hospital Run Entirely By Scott’s Mom, a child-killing psychopath is being wheeled in for an emergency operation by, you guessed it, Papa La Douche McCall. Seriously! This guy is basically a magnet for mentally disturbed, murderous, and basically sh*tty people. He brings them wherever he goes, like some Pied Piper of Evil.
“I’d like you to meet someone. He murders kids who look just like our son, so I brought him to your hospital just for you. You’re welcome!”
“And to think I had honest-to-goodness sexual intercourse with this person.”
Papa La Douche wags his eyebrows suggestively at his ex-wife, as he casually tells her that the man she will be feeling up with her stethoscope is an Electrician Turned Child Blower-Upper with shrapnel in his tummy, and basically no remorse for his bad deeds.
To her credit, Mama McCall maintains her composure, even as Mr. Bug-Eyed McCrazypants totally invades her personal space and stares into her eyes like he wants to swallow her whole. Bug-Eyed McCrazypants pretty much goads Mama McCall into asking him why blowing up tots is his favorite pastime, and he explains, quite tellingly, that “Their Eyes Were Glowing.”
“Sounds like your heart is two sizes too small.”
“Yeah . . . I can see that.”
Then, he goes all batsh*t, and practically bites Mama McCall’s face off . . .
. . . once again reminding the Mother of the Alpha that she totally should have taken the job at Seattle Grace / Grey’s Anatomy, where she could spend her days humping doctors who look like Jesse Williams in the on-call room . . .
. . . instead of having to put up with this crap . . .
In other news . . . glowing eyes, huh? We know a few guys with glowing eyes on this show? Don’t we?
Greenberg Strikes Again
It’s a Beautiful Day in Beacon Hills! It’s Mischief Day! It’s Coach Crackhead’s Birthday! It’s . . . a Day of Forgiveness?
“We want to be
series regulars part of your pack.”
Not so much on that last one . . . as Scott and his Scooby Gang totally reject the not-so-much Alpha anymore Twins from joining their Pack . . .
And why shouldn’t they? After all, the Twins are responsible for the death of Boyd . . . and Erica . . . and their entire range of emotions can pretty much be summed up in two expressions: Growl . . .
. . . and Smirk . . .
These are NOT the kind of dudes you want in the foxhole with you, when you are battling Lizard People, Skeletor, Gorillas on Steroids, and Crotchety Old Men . . .
Besides, Scott doesn’t need lame-o Growlers and Smirkers in his pack! He doesn’t need anybody! He’s The Hottest Girl in School!
Wait . . . what?
Yeah, apparently, that’s Scott’s new nickname!
(I hear gender identity disorder is particularly common among werewolves. Basically, this is what happens when your private parts are covered in fur, and you can’t always see them.)
Elsewhere in school, Coach Crackpot learns an important lesson:
A lesson that inadvertently led to our first “Greenberg” reference of the season . . .
OK, I’m calling it right now. Somewhere around season 7 or 8 of this show (if it lasts that long), Greenberg will be revealed as the Ultimate Uber- Big Bad of this show, and Coach Crackpot will be his first official victim . . .
(P.S. I like how, with all the bardo, and mental breakdowns and murder going on in Beacon Hills, Stiles and Scott still somehow find the time to pull elaborate pranks on their favorite Psycho Coach. It’s kind of sweet, actually . . .)
By now, we all know that being a teacher in Beacon Hills is a pretty dangerous profession. Of course, it’s not nearly as dangerous as being a medical professional in Beacon Hills . . .
Just ask This Guy . . .
“Is there a doctor in the house, or just Scott McCall’s mom?”
. . . who learned the heard way that joking about “accidentally” killing your psycho patient on the operating table, while he’s not quite unconscious, is the easiest way to earn a first class ticket to your nearest Morgue.
“That joke about my dying was hilarious. You should have gone to clown college, instead of medical school. Maybe you still can . . . IN HELL!”
Ever see those weddings, where, SURPRISE, a flock of doves fly out of the wedding cake and probably poop in it on the way out and it’s supposed to be “Oh So Romantic.” Well, this is kind of a variation on that . . .
(Andre had a great screencap of this up close. But I just didn’t have the “stomach” to use it. TOO GROSS!”
Seriously, they are coming up with new and inventive ways to off doctors every week on this show! (Perhaps, Jeff Davis secretly flunked out of medical school, and this is his subtle way of exacting revenge.)
Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first time Teen Wolf has used insects as a tool of doctorly demise. Remember THE MOTHS IN THE CAR?
Except, this time, if we want to get technical about things, Bug Tummy didn’t actually murder Doctor Snarky by making him choke on flies and/or crash his car. He just killed him the old-fashioned way . . . with a deft hand and a scalpel . . .
See? This is another problem with Freak-of-the-Week villains. They croak before we ever get to really know them! Bug Tummy is already dead (at least he is by the end of the episode), and I have so many unanswered questions about him. Like . . . why does he have bugs in his tummy? Does he eat them? Keep them as pets? Did he just accidentally swallow them one night, while on one of his usual child-killing rampages? How did he manage to stay awake under anesthesia? How does he keep his model-thin figure? Do bugs contain carbs?
The world may never know . . .
In other, seemingly unrelated news, that nifty box Derek and Peter Hale stole from the Mexican baddies contains . . . wait for it . . . dirty nail clippings from Derek’s dead mom.
“Would it have killed her to add a little red polish? Geez!”
Man, this show is gross . . .
Peter then wears the dirty nails, for reasons I still don’t quite understand, homoerotically stabs them into Derek’s backside . . .
. . . and then Derek, sort of / kind of talks to his wolf mom in a dream / hallucination thingy?
“Worst . . . acid trip . . . ever!”
In which Beacon Hill’s School Security System Fails Yet Again
Bug Tummy steals an ambulance (the preferred method of escape for Beacon Hill baddies everywhere, like Zip Car for Evil People), and heads to . . . where else . . . the high school, of course! In response to Bug Tummy’s presence, Lydia’s eardrums start being bombarded with incessant buzzing, which the Scooby Gang takes as a sign that they need to scour the school for Bug Tummy ASAP, before he murders everyone and Teen Wolf is forced to end prematurely without any Stydia sex scenes at all! Oh the horror!
“Well, it was nice while it lasted . . . wasn’t it Lydia? Looks like you’re the looney tune of your social circle, once again.”
At the school, despite being surrounded by hundreds of students, an entire troop of cops, and a pack of werewolves, Bug Tummy is able to (1) waltz in undetected . . .
. . . (2) hang out calmly in coach’s office, while Lydia the Banshee, who supposedly senses his near-dead presence, and Aiden the Werewolf with his GLOWING EYES and superior sense of smell, make out inches away from Bug Tummy’s grossly bloody, rather malodorous-looking, body . . .
“There’s something different about this room. But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
. . . (3) staple his stomach together (Well, at least now we know how he keeps his girlish figure.). . .
“Now, I’m the hottest girl! Eat that, Scott McCall!”
. . . (4) stop off in the chemistry lab to casually mix a few chemicals, and draw painfully cheesy, and completely unnecessary Sesame Street-like, clues about his motives on the chalk board (more on that later)
. . . (5) stalk Kira in the library a midst the chaos of a pulled fire alarm, and
. . . (6) escape without anybody ever laying eyes on him at all!
Now, that’s impressive! So, impressive that I actually think Bug Tummy would make a great Alpha. I mean, sure, he’s kind of socially awkward, makes weird, sometimes off-putting, facial expressions, has some issues with impulse control, and looks way too old to be a high school student. But hey, the same could be said about Scott!
Stiles tries to get his dad and the rest of the cops to stick around school and search for Bug Tummy some more. But Stiles’ dad isn’t biting. As much as Papa Stilinski is sort of/kind of coming around to the idea that pretty much everything that happens in Beacon Hills is somehow supernaturally related, he’s still not quite ready to buy into the idea that the annoying scream of a pretty red headed teen will solve all his murder mysteries . . .
Parents can be so short-sighted sometimes . . .
With the adults out of the picture, the werewolves of Beacon Hills form their own search party, following their noses, just like Toucan Sam, into the school’s boiler room, in an attempt to literally sniff out evil. Unfortunately, all these wolves seem to be able to smell is sex . . .
Then, Lydia figures out that getting all the school’s wolves into the boiler might actually have been Bug Tummy’s plan all along . . . to get all the Glowing Eyed kids into one place . . . and THEN BLOW THEM INTO SMITHEREENS!
So, Stiles, our hero . . .
. . . thinking fast, decides to pull the fire alarm, in order to get all his classmates out of the building before they can be turned into rainbow sprinkles . . .
Bug Tummy’s plan is foiled! The children have been saved! All is right in the world! And Stiles is filled with the spontaneous need to dance . . .
Really, it’s the dancing that gets him busted. (Should have saved that for your bedroom, Stiles . . .)
As for Scott, while the school and all its wolfy and non-wolfy inhabitants are being silently terrorized, and the apocalypse is becoming increasingly imminent, our hero . . . plots his Master Plan to Save the World from Bug Tummy . . . keeps his pack safe, by shuffling them off to a secret hideaway, where Bug Tummy can’t rip out their Glowing Eyes, and insert them into his abdomen as food for the creatures he has living in it enjoys a sushi dinner?
Scott Gets a Little Culture . . .
I really like Kira’s house. It’s uber modern, definitely Asian-inspired, has a real estate value of upwards of $2.5 million, and absolutely looks nothing like the cookie cutter, white bread, lower middle to upper middle class homes we’ve come to expect from the suburban neighborhood of Beacon Hills, CA . . .
. . . which makes me wonder, just how much to teachers get paid to teach at Beacon Hills high. Maybe they make a lot . . . simply because of the super high mortality rate.
Or perhaps, Kira’s mother is the big wage earner in this family. After all, HE kept HER name. And considering that she’s Japanese, and Kira’s dad is Korean, Kira’s kitsune traits are probably inherited from her mommy’s side of the family.
“I wear the foxy pants in this family.”
Hey, maybe she’s an “arms dealer,” like Allison’s dad! He also seems way richer than a seemingly unemployed werewolf hunter should be . . .
“It’s expensive to look like this much of a bad ass.”
Anywhoo, Scott tries to use chopsticks, accidentally inhales a mouth full of wasabi, and hilarity ensues, which basically has positively nothing to do with the ongoing plot . . .
“Here Scott, eat my fish. You’ll like it!”
Elsewhere in Adorable Town . . .
Stiles and Lydia Figure it out . . . Again
Lydia and Stiles are lounging on Stiles bed, wrapping each other’s fingers in balls of red yarn (kinky?), as they discuss the Stilinski Family Board of Shame . . .
. . . and what Lydia believes to be her first failure in her short career as a Banshee. Seeing Lydia experience self-doubt, and insecurity . . . seeing her doubt her powers, and feel guilty about getting Stiles in trouble at school, by convincing him to pull the fire alarm . . .
. . . shows just how far Lydia has gone as a character since Season 1. The Lydia we met back then . . . the proud, selfish, arrogant Lydia, who was concerned only with popularity and appearances, would never spend an evening geeking out in bed with Stiles, his yarn, and his detective theories. She would never feel bad about getting someone else in trouble. She would never question her own abilities and their consequences, or, for that matter admit to having those abilities and that intelligence at all . . .
I love watching Lydia and Stiles together, because (as clichéd as it is that they always come up with the answers seemingly out of the blue at the last minute),as characters, they definitely bring out the best in one another. Stiles makes Lydia more humble, more caring, more willing to be her true self. He helps her untie the red “unsolved” yarn from her fingertips, and makes her feel more “solved.” More whole.
In turn, Lydia makes Stiles more confident, more mature, and more self- assured in his intelligence, and problem solving abilities . . . she also reminds him how to read, and gently (without judgment) keeps him from going insane.
So, when Stiles tells Lydia he believes in her, despite her recent setback, I believe him . . . but kind of wonder where her parents are . . . because, seriously, this girl never goes home.
Somehow, Lydia’s mere presence inspires Stiles to tramp back into school in the middle of the night, break into the chemistry lab . . . magically change into his “This is Only a Dream” Shirt for a split second . . .
. . . and proceed to solve yet another “Freak of the Week” mystery, with his Lady Love Lydia by his side.
Yes, boys and girls, Engineer Bug Tummy, in addition to his bug cultivating skills and tendency toward invisibility, also apparently, is a master chemist, capable of masking his horrible scent, even to werewolves, as a result of his in-depth, knowledge of the periodic table that he just can’t help but share with the world, even if he is certain it will result in his inevitable capture / killing.
Long story short, Stiles and Lydia find out that Bug Tummy wasn’t inside the school to capture werewolves at all . . . he was only interested in nerdy foxes with multiple tails and an impressive understanding of the concept of Bardo and eating with chopsticks . . . only interested in Kira . . .
Back at the Asian Inspired Dojo that is Kira’s Casa . . . .
Stiles and Kira eat pizza, and eye f*&k a bit.
“Should I be offended that you didn’t enjoy the taste of my fish?”
Then, Kira gets kidnapped, and Scott “You’re Going To Hear Me Roar Because I Am the True Alpha” McCall does nothing to stop it . . . (though, in his defense, he’s sort of/ kind of unconscious at the time).
“If you won’t eat Kira’s fish, I will!”
With the help of Lydia’s big mouth (Ears be damned!) and Stiles’ encouragement . . .
The Scooby Gang finds Kira tied up in some electrical warehouse thingy, where Bug Tummy is seconds away from electrocuting her . . . just because.
P.S. Bug Tummy is also going to take pictures of Kira while he electrocutes her, using her Nokia phone because. . . you know . . . product placement.
Villains don’t like iPhones . . .
But Silly Bug Tummy . . . he messed with the wrong girl. I mean, really, of all the girls you decide to electrocute you choose the one that has the kitsune-like ability to ABSORB ELECTRICITY!
“This is SOOO going to help me get laid . . .”
Not too smart, Bug Tummy. Perhaps, you aren’t the Good Prospective Alpha I thought you would be . . .
And so you’ll die. Goodbye, Bug Tummy! May glowing eyed children angels carry you to your much-deserved rest . . . IN HELL!!!!!!
Meanwhile, Allison and Isaac are in Allison’s house, busily studying the beastiary in hopes of locating something about the now-obsolete villain of the week. Isaac cleverly suggests he’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, i.e. The Devil . . . also the name of one of my favorite books from high school, coincidentally.
Then Isaac tries to kiss Allison. And Allison, in order to show Isaac that she is Not That Kind of Girl, takes off her shirt for him . . . wait what?
“I am not the kind of girl who just makes out with her exes’ best friend /roommate /sort of adopted brother! I have more class than that! Get naked with him? Sure. F*&K him? Absolutely. But I will never ever kiss him! Get that through your wolfy weiner, Isaac LAY-HEEEEE!”
Not amused . . .
Then Allison’s dad walks in, and wonders why his daughter insistently falls in love with canines, and kind find a nice human boy to hump in her bedroom, while her dad is downstairs, plotting the destruction of animal kind.
While Allison’s dad is hilariously scolding his daughter about her choice of suitors . . .
. . . some weird samurai things are taunting Isaac in her bedroom? Thus proving, once in for all, that having sex with Allison, or even thinking about having sex with Allison, is not without its consequences . . .
Next week on Teen Wolf, everybody goes to a rave?
Nikki Minaj makes out with Stiles?
And a bunch of other bad stuff happens to our Scooby Gang . . .
Until next time, Werebangers!