A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Breaking Glass”

broken face

“Use distorted mirrors . . . because plastic surgery is for p*ssies.”

Did you hear the one about the sassy, sarcastic, blonde teen with trust issues, and her best friend Lily, who tragically kept secrets that ended up prematurely ending their friendship?

veronica mars and lily

No? Me neither  . . .

lily and emma

This entirely new and original premise, which featured soooo much lesbian sexual tension between two presumably heterosexual teens that I thought I had accidentally switched channels and started watching LOGO, formed the basis for this week’s Very Special Life Lesson Masquerading as Flashback on Once Upon a Time.

(It also made me crave a crossover episode of Once and Veronica Mars, during which Young Emma and Veronica casually debate the merits of leather versus denim jackets, and Captain Hook and Logan take the old yacht for a spin, get totally wasted on rum, and proceed to spend the next seven or so hours practicing their broody-but-sensitive longing looks at an unseen camera.)

veronica with camera

Hey, it could happen!

Meanwhile, back in the present day, Emma and Regina ironed out their differences by generously sharing in heaping helpings of one another’s “Glorious Finger Magic.”

finger magic

“Woo, I’m going to need to smoke a cigarette after this!”

Hook and Charming each got the opportunity to do a little Dr. Phil-ing on their lady loves . . .

Elsa learned that handcuffs can, in fact, be recreational .  . .

handcuff sex

Fifty Shades of Frozen

And Regina got royally screwed by a piece of Glass . . . but not in a good way.

ouat 4.1.a regina mirror

Let’s review, shall we?

[You can check out the rest of this recap here.]

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Captain Hook Gets a Little Handsy – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “The Apprentice”

hook looks at hands

Back in the very late 90s, there was a ridiculously bad movie called Idle Hands about a teenage boy who somehow managed to get his hand possessed by a serial killer. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?) What followed was 90 VERY LONG minutes of the “evil hand” killing the teen’s friends, family, and, most depressingly, his cat (who, spoiler alert, was the only remotely likeable character in the entire film). Through it all, the teen just stared dumbfounded at his super busy body part, like a guy on a really bad acid trip . . .

idlehands_980x350

This week’s installment of Once Upon a Time was a Disney-fied take on that story, with a twist, or, dare I say, a hook, at the end that made the premise much more palatable.

with the hook

(More importantly, I am happy to report that no cats were harmed in the making of this episode . . .)

happy-cat-800

. . . just a knave . . . and some really old guy.

Let’s review, shall we?

To read the rest of this snarktastic recap, click here.

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Maid Marion Gets a Cold – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Rocky Road”

frozen maid marion

“Hey, anyone got a tissue?  Or an ice scraper?”

What does it take to gain your trust?  Are you someone who is easily won over?  All it takes is a pretty face, a warm smile or a few moments of bonding over a sweet treat, and you are already convinced you’ve met a friend for life.

ice cream for roland

Do you tend to give people the “benefit of the doubt,” and view them in the best light possible, until they prove to be otherwise?

trust you

Or perhaps you are a bit more discerning in the people with whom you choose to share your secrets?  You often find yourself skeptical of the motives of others.  You play your cards close to your chest.  Those who don’t know you well may even call you aloof, standoffish, or, dare I say . . . frosty .  . .

not to trust

Though one could argue that the theme of every episode so far of Season 4 of Once has been “how to milk the Frozen franchise for all its worth,” I would argue that this particular episode . . .

nodding oh yeah

  .  . . had that theme too . . .

verbal keyboard smash

 . . . but it was also about “Trust.”

For people like Elsa and Emma, who have been hurt and mistreated in their past, it is difficult to open up and trust others .  . .

For people like Regina, Rumpelstiltskin and Will Scarlet, who have been stereotyped and marginalized for their past deeds, it is difficult to regain the trust of the people who may have already written them off.

breaking mirror

And for people like the Snow Queen, this general lack of trust amongst the good people of Storybrooke proves to be a fertile playground for manipulation, control, and all sorts of other activities that tend to frequent the To Do Lists of every self-respecting Big Bad.

Let’s review, shall we?

Actually, before we begin . . .

A Little Background on The Snow Queen

What’s fun about Once Upon a Time, is that most of the fairytale characters we meet here are fairly recognizable to pretty much anyone who has ever read a fairytale or  . .  . more likely . . . seen a Disney movie based on a Fairytale.  Most of us grew up knowing at least the basic stories of Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Little Red Riding Hood.

disney princesses

But Once seems to have waded a bit deeper into the Fairytale Pool for The Snow Queen, a story that probably didn’t make a lot of your first grade teachers’ Must Read list . .  . basically because its super dark, and a little gross . . .

You see, The Snow Queen’s modus operandi was basically to shove broken pieces of glass mirrors into people’s eyes (ouch!) and distort their vision of the world.  She’d make them hate everything and mistrust everyone except for . . . wait for it . . . The Snow Queen herself.

up top

“Up top!”

This was a step-by-step process. First she’d make her victims act like total douchebags to all their friends.  Then, when they had no friends left, she’d have them come live with her.  Then she’d make out with them (even if they happened to be little prepubescent boys . . . ewwwww), causing them to not only mistrust and hate their former friends, but to forget their existence entirely.

In short, The Snow Queen was the “If I can’t have you, no one can,” abusive boyfriend / mistress in every Lifetime Movie you ever saw . . .

bunny burner

A burner of bunnies . . . among other things.

So, with that in mind . . .

(You can read the rest of my recap for Once Upon a Time’s Rocky Road here . . .)

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Under the Snow Globe – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “White Out”

elsa

You get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman. You ALL GET SNOWMEN!”

Another week, another snow-themed Once episode . . . this show is starting to wreak some major havoc on my Seasonal Affective Disorder . . .

SAD for dummies

This week, the residents of Storybrooke find themselves trapped inside their small community which I’m pretty sure The Curse prevents them from actually leaving anyway, not to mention freezing their magically delicious tushies off, when a vengeful Elsa encases them inside a town-wide wall of ice.  Elsa is bargaining that this oh-so-clever hostage-taking maneuver will force the fairytale characters to give up the goods on where her perky ginger little sister is hiding . . .

going to story

Clearly, this Frozen princess has been spending her free time in Arendelle watching non-Disney approved shows on that Other Network of Which We Dare Not Speak Its Name . . .

under the dome

For shame, Elsa! For shame!

Meanwhile, over in Fairytale Land, Prince Charming sports a hideous perm . . .

bad perm

Thus proving, once and for all that, contrary to popular belief, (1) Fairytale characters are not immune to having Bad Hair Days; and (2) sometimes those Bad Hair Days have the unintended effect of making them look like chorus members from the Broadway Revival of Rock of Ages . . .

hair rock of ages rock of ages hair 1

Also, this week on Once, Snow White learned how to change a light bulb . . .

baby high five

Emma and Hook got one step closer to their much awaited THIRD DATE . . .

squee

Henry got one step closer to no longer being able to hide that he’s going through puberty. . .

doesnt

“I used to hide a book of fairytales under my mattress. Now, it’s an iPad and internet porn . . . lots and lots of internet porn.”

And Little Bo Peep showed the world that the darkest of warlords are the ones that wear the poofiest skirts and the biggest bloomers . . .possibly to protect against Little Bo Poops . . .

 watch the sheep

Let’s review, shall we?

You can read the rest of my recap of Season 4, Episode 2 of OUAT here .  . .

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Coitus Interruptus – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4 Premiere “A Tale of Two Sisters”

elsa and anna

Anna: “I’m so excited. I get to play a married early twenty something woman on an adult television show. Do you think they’ll finally let me take off these ridiculous pigtail braids?”

Elsa: “No.”

Anna: “But . . .”

Elsa: “Just let it go, Anna. Let it go.”

It’s official.  The prime time television season is back in session.  There goes my social life . . .

You can check out my random musings about Robin Hood’s failed attempt at propositioning a threesome, Hook’s and Emma’s oddly kinky idea of a first date, Rumpbelle’s House Crasher Honeymoon Oasis, and why I think the StayPuft Marshmallow man has seen better days, by clicking here.

Or . . . you can spend the evening hanging out with This Guy.  It’s totally up to you . . .

grrr frosty

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Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife – A Once Upon a Time Season 3 Retrospective

glorious

A surprisingly evil Peter Pan, an unsurprisingly evil Wicked Witch of the West and sooooooooo much Captain Hook . . .

broody hook

What am I babbling on about, you ask?  It’s Season 3 of Once Upon a Time, of course!  And you have just enough time to catch up on it, before the Season 4 premiere this coming Sunday.  Do it, right here, right now.  Come on . . . you know you want it!

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Once Upon a Time Season 2 Retrospective – The Ones with Regina’s Mom and that Annoying Cult that Hated Magic

Once-Upon-a-Time-Season-2-Cast-Promotional-Photos-once-upon-a-time-32308597-660-495

“My GPS says, ‘Recalculating route . . . when possible, make a legal U-turn.’  My horse says, ‘Naaaaaaayyyyy  . . . . I think I just pooped.'”

While recapping Season 2 of Once Upon a Time for Happy Nice Time People.com  the following three things dawned on me, in no particular order:

(1) every season of Once is actually separated into two distinct sub-seasons, each with its own stand-alone plot;

are you

(2) if I fail to come up with a conceivable relationship between the whole Regina’s Mom Wreaks Havoc on Her Daughter’s Happiness plot line of Season 2A, and the Magic-Hating Cult Come to Blow Up Storybrooke and Kidnap Young Henry for a Mystery Man We Later Learn to be Peter Pan plot line of Season 2B, there’s a good chance this recap will suck;

hide behid

and (3) I still really hate Mary Margaret’s short haircut, and can’t for the life of me understand why she didn’t grow it out in Season 2, especially after learning her true identity as the fabulous-hairdo-having Snow White . . .

scared snow

hang on

Nonetheless, recap Season 2, I did . . . and read it, you shall . . . well . . . at least, if you feel like reading it . . .  which I hope you do, because I have a very fragile ego.  And affirmation from total strangers is pretty much my bread and butter . . . :)

not feel

Anywhoo, travel back to Storybrooke, and get Hooked by Sexy Captain Hook, by clicking here.  You know you want it!

broody hook

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