“It all happened so fast” – A Recap of the Teen Wolf Season Finale “The Divine Move”

beautiful

Que pasa, Werebangers! This second half of the third season of Teen Wolf has been a bit of a whirlwind. Just thinking about how much has gone down in the span of twelve episodes makes me dizzy, and a little sleepy.

tired now stiles
Stiles got some nookie . . .(a lot of nookie actually . . . more nookie than he’d gotten in the first 2 seasons combined).

condom 3

kissed stiles

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

make out stora

mackin

sexing
He also went temporarily evil and killed a lot of people . . .

tickle finge

death 1

the effing angel of death
. . . while simultaneously deciding that wrapping toilet paper around one’s face would make for a great fashion statement . . .

nogitsune teeth
Also, 1/3 of the cast left the show . . .

stabs

sad aid

sad is
. . . to eventually be replaced by all these other people we’d never seen before (except for maybe that one time we watched The Secret Circle).

malia older

this sucks

daddy o

handsome thank you
Teen Wolf Season 3 set the impressive record of being The Season with the Most Swallowed Bugs . . .

hand in mouth

bug tummy

the bug

yumm
It was the season during which we learned a whole slew of Japanese vocabulary words like Kitsune, Nogitsune, Oni, and Go and Bardo, none of which will ever help us find the bathroom, if we ever find ourselves stuck in Tokyo . . .

homework
And yet still no one has figured out what Greenberg looks like?!!!!

hand down greenberg
Crazy, right? Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah
[Special thanks to Andre who fearlessly and loyally provided me with the spectacular screencaps you see here each week. Without him, this website would be nothing more than my own often drunken ramblings about Derek’s abs, and how I find Stiles’ long fingers weirdly sexy . . . ]

me sexy
The Tragedy Hangover

frozen
Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one will tell you that the initial Moment of Death is not the hardest part. I mean sure, you might scream, or cry, be frozen in shock or fear, laugh inappropriately, or feel oddly empty . . . void of any emotion at all.

crap

scream for al
But the real pain of that loss doesn’t usually come until hours later, after the dust has settled, the rush of adrenaline has faded, and you’ve stumbled back to your empty home. Its then, and only then, that the realization finally settles in. This person is really gone. They aren’t coming back. That’s the part that’s most devastating . . . the one that could truly wreck you, if you let it.

hugsies is
I think Teen Wolf portrayed that moment of understated, but excruciating pain, well, in the initial moments of the finale, as Lydia, Scott and Isaac had to sit in that police station and calmly lie to the police about what really killed their friend and lover. There are no screams or wails of anguish. Few tears are shed. But still the tragedy of the scene is palpable, and can be summed up in five short words  . . .
“It all happened so fast.”

argent in pain

J.R. Bourne gave a particularly nuanced performance in this episode as a heartbroken father who has now lost his entire family to the Argent Code of Honor, but must lock away his grief beneath a wall of stoicism and steely determination. He does this because he still believes in a cause greater then himself, and because that Cause is the only thing that is keeping him from falling apart.

argent door
In some ways, Chris Argent is like a modern day Ned Stark from Game of Thrones . . . only he got to keep his head . . .

ned stark
The Game of Go-gurt

play my game
Holed up in The Lady Fox house, and in desperate need of some self-tanner, and maybe some blush, sickly no-longer-Nogitsuned Stiles is understandably a little ticked off that, while he and his friends seem to have mere hours to live, Kira’s mom seems more interested in drinking un-magical tea, and rambling on about a lame Board Game than in kicking some ONI ass . . .

calm you

this ish

“What is this ish?”

News flash, Kira’s mom! The Game of Go sucks! And nobody understands that better than Stiles, who was forced to play it in his trapped subconscious for days on end . . .

no go
“Let’s go pay a visit to Everybody’s favorite Magical Veterinarian, Deaton!” Stiles offers helpfully. “He too speaks in annoying metaphors. But at least he doesn’t make me play board games, when I should be out fighting crime!”

take that taser
Speaking of fighting crime . . .
It’s Oni Time!
At the sheriff’s station, Stiles’ dad and The Hot Sheriff Whose Probably Something Supernatural get paid a visit by a couple Really Pissed Off Oni. Why are they pissed, you ask?

hey hear that joke about the ninja

“So, guys.  I got this great joke.  A ninja walks into a bar . . . wait, there’s a ninja standing behind me right now, isn’t there?  Why is there always a ninja behind me, every time I try to tell a ninja joke?”

Maybe it has something to do with their party clothes being so binding. Don’t think that’s a good excuse to go around shooting officers of the law? Well, then YOU try to have fun at a rave while dressed as a cross between Darth Vader and Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxCit8jsAs8

Or how about having to work for a real slave driver of a boss, who never lets you take days off, remove your ridiculous uniform, or break for lunch, just because this one time the dude happened to break a stick in front of your face?

break

samurai

“It’s not easy being Oni.”

Come to think of it, the Onis may very well be the most misunderstood baddies on this show. Suck on that, Grandpa!

funny face grandpa
Stand up and Fight!
From a brooding badass mentor with dubious motives in Season 1, to a tragic, severely flawed antihero, destroyed by his own pride in Season 2, to a not particularly bright, has-been Alpha, with ridiculously bad taste in women and a peculiar blindness for large Neon Warning Signs placed right in front of his face in Season 3a, it’s clear that the character of Derek Hale has seen better days.

last relationship

torn up derek 2
But this week gave us a glimpse of another Derek, one from another life, and another type of show . . . a show where he didn’t have to settle for being the Past His Prime Guy . . . or The Guy Who Hangs Out with High Schoolers, Because He Doesn’t Have Any Friends His Own Age. The Derek of “The Divine Move” coulda been a contendah . . . or at least a really inspirational drill sergeant or high school football coach . . .

fight for scott
When the Alpha twins, after being nursed back to health by Doctor Der contemplate blowing the popsicle stand that is Beacon Hills, Good Ole Der gives them a good old fashioned “Hell to the no,” and a speech that was clearly cribbed from this song . . .

doh ok

(Just swap the word “Scott” in for “love.” And the similarities are truly uncanny.)

saving his friends

Truth be told, Scott has always struck me as more of a sweet dopey puppy, than a heroic Alpha wolf. But the dude IS loyal and persistent in the face of adversity. So, at least he has that going for him . . .

scott dog dish

bad scott
Speaking of Derek, did I mention that his pretty little box with his mother’s gross toenails in it just so happens to be the key to saving the world from Evil Stiles? Now, I did!

trisuit box
There’s a Bathroom on the Right

hellow there

If I had to choose the most disturbingly powerful, and viscerally impactful scene of the season, my vote would most definitely go to Nogitsu-Stiles’ slo-mo hospital massacre to the tune of one of the most eerily awesome covers of the song “Bad Moon Rising” on the planet.

Jeff Davis and co. definitely didn’t pull any punches here. No one was safe. Nurses, interns, children, mommies, daddies, receptionist, young, old, fat, thin . . . everybody got eviscerated for no other reason than because Nogitsu-Stiles thought murdering them all would be fun. It was awful. It was bloody. It was oddly beautifully choreographed, and glorified its violence with the cool panache of a Tarantino movie. Do not try this at home kiddies.
A word about “Bad Moon Rising.” My dad was a major Creedence Clearwater Revival fan. So much so that I feel like a good portion of my childhood was spent listening to this song on long road trips to family vacations. To this day, it reminds me of that terrible feeling of really having to pee, while stuck in a car, and knowing that there won’t be a rest stop for another twenty miles. . . .

death 1

splatter

death 2

dash

death 3
“There’s a bathroom on the right.”

watching death
Indeed . . .
Seriously, listen to the original version of the song and tell me that doesn’t sound like what they are saying . . .

Say Hello to My Little Friend

he shoots doesnt score
Apparently everyone in Beacon Hills owns a gun with unlimited bullets, but is a terrible shot. So many shootouts in this episode. Cops shooting Oni, Oni shooting cops, Oni shooting Scott’s mom in the leg. No one shooting Scott’s douchey dad, because . . . been there, done that . . .

need to speak to scot

no good
In Beacon Hills’ law enforcement’s defense, to the Oni, getting pelted with bullets probably feels like the way you and I would feel about being pelted with rubber bands. It’s annoying, and may sting a little, but probably isn’t going to leave you with much in the way of permanent damage. That doesn’t stop the cops from shooting though . . . and shooting . . . and shooting.

big gun

gunpoint 2

machine_gun_cat
They say the definition of an idiot is someone who does the same thing over and over again, expecting different results . . .

sheriff pic
I hate to rail on Sheriff Stilinski, because he seems like such a nice guy. But I’m willing to bet Stiles got his brains from his mother’s side of the family, vulnerable to evil spirit possession and deadly disease though they might be . . .

brain scan
Discoveries Abound
All the shooting and murder packed into this hour left little time for plot exposition. So, they kind of threw it all together into about two minutes. At the same time that Isaac and Papa Argent clue in to Allison’s posthumous discovery that silver is poisonous to the Oni, and can kill them if it penetrates their bodies at the right angle, Lydia figures out that Stiles is dying (which Stiles confirms by popping up, looking kind of dead, and basically saying “I’m dying.”) Simultaneously, all the shot Scooby Gang parents (and Deaton, because you could bet the Oni found him too) figure out that the smoke blowing Oni-induced bullets in them are ALSO poisonous . . .

gross wound
With all that pesky plot out of the way, I’d say it’s time for another fight scene . . . or ten. Wouldn’t you?

stefan shrug
Oni Baloney
Divide, conquer, and mindf*&k. That’s always been the Oni’s game. It’s how Nogitsu-Stiles gets the Scooby Game to think they are all in the same place, but actually find themselves in two different places, both fighting two versions of Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

watching
Who knew this guy had copy machine-like cloning abilities?

stiles upward looking
Or does he?

wake uppppp stiles
While Derek and the twins fight Nogitsu-Stiles and the Oni in one place, and Scott and co fight him seemingly someplace else, it all gets very confusing, very quickly.

pack roar
For example, since when did it start snowing?

beautiful snow
How did Nogitsu-Stiles get back his toilet paper face?

moon walk
And why is he Moonwalking?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXhy7ZsiR50

dancing stiles moon

But as is usually the case with the trickster spirit who feeds on chaos, all is not as it seems . . .

dont trust the fox

its an illusion
Nogitsu-Stiles offers Stiles and Co an alternative to all this mass murder. Stiles can disembowel himself, and Scott and chop off his head. Then, everyone else gets to live.

stiles no
Sounds great, right?

ep 7 in spanish
Nahhh!

You see, Stiles still has one move left. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . The Divine Move.

winky stiles
In a flash, our wise hero/villain discovers that it’s not really snowing, and the Scooby Gang isn’t really in “Bardo,” as Nogitsu-Stiles had suggested.

They are just outside the school. And the Oni . . . and toilet paper head they are fighting? Nothing more than mere illusions.

what up
Because the real Nogitsu-Stiles and Oni are fighting Derek and the twins.

the fight
So, what’s a Scooby Crew to do?

confused scot

Face the illusion, head-on, of course. Wake up and smell the toilet paper head!

ep 9 obviously stiles
Because any experienced sufferer of nightmares knows that the easiest way to defeat a bad dream is to discover that you are having one . . .

wakeuppp
“You can’t kill meeeeeeee.”
Ahhh, the Villain’s Anthem. Every Season has one . . .

demon wolf

mountain ash

always been the alpha
And 3B is no exception.

cant kill me big
There’s a point in every narrative where the Bad Guy, whose been performing flawlessly up to this point, finally allows his own hubris to get the best of him. And so he gets his last Monologue of Evil. It’s both his theme song and his death rattle.

ep 7 alpha popopopculture
Because, it’s precisely when Nogitsu-Stiles is proclaiming his immortality that he is at his most vulnerable. Isaac and Papa Argent are silver sniping his Oni, left and right. Scott and Kira have pullen the fabric off his deftly created hallucination.

stydia sweetness
Stiles and Lydia . . . well, they aren’t doing much of the fighting. But they look pretty darn cute, spouting out sassy things to the Evil One, don’t they . . .
And then comes the clincher: “Change the Host, kill the Void.”

bite is a gift
All this time, everyone assumed that meant that Scott would have to bite Stiles. But with Nogitsu-Stiles out on his own, the True Alpha has things much easier. He just gets to bite the Bad Guy.

bite apple
And like that poof . . . he’s gone.

AndLikeThatHesGone
Literally, the bug flies out of his mouth and straight into Mama Hale’s gross nail jar. And then Evil Stiles, well, he cracks up and turns to ash . . .

crack good bye
You gotta hand it to this baddie. He even knows how to die cool.

Then, magically all those dying people with festering Oni wounds are just peachy.

all better
With one or two very big exceptions . . .
Exception 1: Stiles, who collapses mere seconds after the death of his doppelganger.

zzzz
Stiles is dead. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ep 12 pop cult noooooooo scott
Just kidding!

alive

wake up stiles
Dude just needed another nap. It’s been a long season, after all.
Exception 2: Aiden

gory
This one might be a bit more permanent.

hurt you as much
You see, that’s the trouble with redemption arcs. They can often be deadly . . .

crying

In the end, the Alpha twins were finally able to prove themselves to the pack into which they so desperately wanted membership. But membership just wasn’t in the cards for them . . .

comforting
Regression to the Mean
Back when I was a kid and I had a really bad day, I would always comfort myself with the knowledge that I was “owed” a couple of good days for my troubles, or at least some less crappy ones . . . because I believed that things generally evened out in the end.

regression to mean
Who knew that was actually a real scientific principle? Thanks Deaton!

watcha doing

clearing head
Season 3A ended with an almost unrealistically cheery concluding montage, particularly after all the death and carnage the Darach had created in Beacon Hills. This season ended with a montage too, but it was a much more somber one. The Scooby Gang had lost members of its own tribe . . . important members that they loved and cherished. And though they will regroup and move on, they know, deep down, that it will never be quite the same.

sad scott
It’s for that reason that Ethan decides to leave Beacon Hills, a place where the death of his twin will never be far from his consciousness. Danny understands. In fact, he’s actually pretty content about the whole thing. He knows there will be other guys for him . . . guys that don’t howl at the moon, and haven’t murdered their entire family . . . guys that aren’t werewolves.

cant stay
Yep, that’s right Werebangers. Danny was in the know about the supernatural whozits and whatzits of Beacon Hills all along! He just chose to play dumb about it, because he’d prefer to stay alive and retain his humanity, thank you very much.

its beacon hills
I take back what I said about Stiles and Lydia. Danny is actually the smartest teen in Beacon Hills.

another shot of danny
In other news, Malia has enrolled in high school, despite only having a third grade education. But it’s totally cool, because she has, as coach said, “Really good muscle definition,” and can make her nails grow at will, like Wolverine . . .

malia nails
She’s also screwed Stiles, thereby saving his life, in the event that a Virgin Killer happens to find her way to Beacon Hills again . . .

sex me now 2
Speaking of returning She-Devils . . .
La Loba of a Different Color
Derek Hale is having a dream, in which he is in a gym locker room with Stiles, touching his “fingers,” which is pretty much the first chapter of every Sterek fanfiction I have ever read . . .

is it real

extra fingers in dreams

extra fingers

thats gross

“That’s gross.  But also kind of hot.”

In real life, things are much less rosy, however. He’s in his house, and those pesky Mexican hunters are there again, babbling on about “La Loba” “La Loba.”

la loba tell
Derek immediately assumes they are talking about his sister Cora. But Cora’s off in Europe pretending to be the Queen Mary.

hell is cora

skeptical cora
So, it’s not her they are after.
It’s this b*tch!

its her
She’s baaaaaaaaaaaack.

balam
See ya in the summertime, Werebangers!

the return date

more dancing stiles

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Casualties of War – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Insatiable”

dying ali

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, our Scooby Gang learned that, when you are fighting an evil fox spirit with a penchant for shoving flies into its enemies orifices, casualties of war are inevitable.  And sometimes those casualties might come in the form of people you always assumed would be safe, because they are in the main title sequence of the show .  . .

allison bamf heir of slytherin

That’s right, boys and girls.  Jeff Davis actually went and killed off Allison Argent, one of Teen Wolf’s Big Four, a decision that will undoubtedly alter the feel and dynamic of the show for the rest of its run.  Regardless of how you felt about Allison as a character, and the way she was utilized throughout the series (first as a love interest, then as a surprise villain, then as a redemption story, and finally, as wallpaper), Teen Wolf fans cannot doubt the impact of her presence on the show for its past three seasons.

allison tear heir of slytherin

And so, without further adieu, I present to you the episode that will forever go down in Teen Wolf history as Allison Argent’s Swan Song . . .

scream for al

(It will also go down in history as the episode with Two Stiles!  Talk about Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun.)

more dancing stiles

 

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[As always, a big hearty thank you goes out to my screencapping pal Andre, who I think would pull an evil mind controlling fly out of my mouth, if I asked nicely . . . though I suspect he’d do it wearing a surgical glove, and would make certain I’d at least brushed my teeth first.]

Open Your Mouth and Say Ahhhh

hand in mouth

 

“This is more uncomfortable than that time my brother stuck his hand up my ass and merged bodies with me.

What a fun way to begin an episode!  Deaton decides to exorcise Isaac, Aiden and Ethan of their demons the old fashioned way, by sticking his hand down their throat and making them puke them out in the shower.   (I guess having the wolves do it themselves would have made it seem like Teen Wolf promotes bulimia?)

not sexy mouth

 

Deep Throat 2: Dig Deeper

Speaking of exorcise, Stiles finally mans up and gets his Oni-induced self-tattoo . . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

 

“Can’t I just get a hickey instead?”

got you now

“We meet again.”

so beautiful

“You know, since we are going the whole tattoo route, I was thinking you could give me something a bit more original . . . like Batman or the Abominable Snowman.”

tattoo

“Or you could just give me the same old boring backwards S everybody else has . . . whichever you think is best.”

. . . thus proving him to no longer be a possessed evil demon, but rather someone with whom many Soap Opera characters can relate: The Guy with the Evil Twin.

good stiles

 

bad stiles more

 

“I’m the hot one!”

Speaking of Stiles’ Less Snarky But More Swaggery other half, he’s chillin in the basement of Eichen House with a kidnapped Lydia, trying to charm her with his best nogitsune pickup lines . . .

get you get you

“Scream for me Lydia,” he coos.

lyd screams

“Check out my cool underground lair that smells like dead people.”

winky stiles

“Your other love interest on this show is probably going to croak.  And I look just like him.  Isn’t that good enough?”

nodding oh yeah

“I can eat your feelings.  Yum!  Sexy, sexy!”

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

 

“Lydia’s feelings taste like onion rings.”

“Hey, mind if I sniff your neck?”

sniff sniff

Fortunately for the Nogitsune, Lydia is no stranger to generalized creepiness, and uncouth sexual advances.  After all, she dated Jackson . .  .

half kanaima jack

And Dead Uncle Peter . . .

heard party

And This Guy . . .

what he said

Come to think of it, Nogitsu-Stiles might very well be her ideal mate!

stiles upward looking

Preparing for Battle

Around Beacon Hills, our Scooby Crew are all prepping for the showdown of the century.  Deputy Parish is speaking cryptically . . .

handsome thank you

Derek and Papa Argent are . . . kissing and making up .  . .

i sorry

 

“You wouldn’t happen to know where I might be able to find a Hallmark card that says, ‘Sorry I doused you in kerosene, because I swallowed an evil bug, would you?”

its ok

“I keep a bunch of them in my top drawer just in case.”

i sorry

“Cool.  Would you mind writing one to yourself from me?  I haven’t picked up a writing utensil in ten years, and even then it was just to stab someone I didn’t like in the eye.”

Kira and her mom are . . . enjoying Family Game Night.

playing go

 

good enoug

 

“When you are 900 years old, you find a lot of new and inventive ways to waste time.”

this sucks

“If I wanted to waste time, I’d go upstairs and have meaningless lukewarm sex with Scott, not play a more boring version of checkers with you.”

Stiles, Scott and Sheriff Stilinski are paying a visit to everybody’s Second Favorite Banshee, Crazy Meredith, who they figure may have Lydia on her “Friends and Family” plan on her non-working payphone.

phone a friend

“E.T phone home.”

(Why does everybody always assume that all banshees automatically know one another?  Isn’t that a little racist?)

Unfortunately, finding Meredith may be easier said than done.  After all, like seemingly every other loon in Eichen House, Meredith has figured out that freedom is always just a misplaced shot of Haldol, and an orderly key swipe away . . .

meddling kids haha

 

“Rats, foiled again!”

Which you are YOU?

While Lydia endures the creepy company of Nogitsu-Stiles, Real Stiles takes a nap, and awakens petrified that this little snooze, like every other one he’s taken this season was less nap and more EVIL FOX POSSESSION.

wake uppppp stiles

“Nope, you were legitimately sleeping this time,” his bro Scott reassures him.

you are ok

 

“Hey remember that time you and I were in each other’s arms like this, and you stabbed me with a sword?  Good times.”

Stiles seems pretty relieved to hear this good news, except for the fact that he’s now freezing cold and pretty much at death’s door.

dreaming stiles

 

Nogits-Flu

going to die

A nice healthy Nogitsune Possession is starting to look like a pretty attractive alternative now,  isn’t it Stiles?

nodding oh yeah

Speaking of mistaken identity, Allison is forced to ask Isaac whether he was the dude she f*&ked the night before, or if she actually bumped uglies with the psycho fly guy who chained her to the bed the following morning.

you or not you

 

Isaac proudly proclaims that it was definitely him who put his weiner inside the Argent vajayjay.

happy isaac

 

“I totally tapped that ass!”

And that’s really nice for Allison to hear.  I mean, no one wants to think they’ve been having sex with bugs . . .

bugging

But honestly I’m still a bit skeptical.  Let’s recap . . . Isaac was ill in the hospital and unconscious up until that fly invaded his IV.  Then his eyes went all firefly yellow, and the next thing you know he’s perfectly  healthy in Allison’s bedroom acting oddly quiet, extremely sexually aggressive and way creepier than usual.

ready to kill

I don’t know about you guys, but it sure sounds like Bug Sex to me.

not an orgy - Copy

Perhaps, Isaac was just telling Allison what she wanted to hear, because he somehow knew she was  shortly headed to the big ole Argent Graveyard in the Sky, and he didn’t want her to die feeling all skeeved out her recent sexual encounter.  Nice guy , that Isaac!

Coach Crackhead TO THE RESCUE!

Having somehow wandered  all the way from Eichen House to the high school on foot (is this entire town one square mile long?), Meri-Death gets the brilliant idea to sit in on Coach’s Econ class . . . probably because every other teacher in the school has already been murdered, and Coach’s class is the only one left.

apply

 

“Since Post Nogitsune Stiles is less snarky and more emo broody, I figured the Scooby Gang had an opening in the position of  The Quirky One.  Is now a good time to apply?”

love greenberg

Eichen House Dickwad, who didn’t even bother to change out of his scrubs before making the trip to school, has some not-so-nice words to say to everyone’s favorite Econ Teacher before barging in to bring Meredith back to the loony bin.

the pajama squad

 

The Pajama Squad

Bad move, Dickwad.  You just messed with the wrong gym teacher.

Meredith, meanwhile, is doing what any self-respecting banshee escaped from a mental institution would do.  She’s talking to a piano!  The problem is that the piano is speaking too quietly, and Meredith can’t hear it.

hand down greenberg hellloooooo

 

“Beethoven is that you?  Think you could maybe teach me how to play chopsticks?”

And then, just when the piano is finally ready to speak up, in comes Eichen House Dickwad with his trustee taser.

time to fry

 

“Torturing mentally disturbed minors is awesome!

Fortunately for Meredith, Coach Crackhead hates douchebags with tasers .  . . and bullies . .  and people who curse . . . and the American Healthcare system.

my time

Nighty night, Eichen House Dickwad!

And that was how Coach Crackhead finally became an unofficial member of the Scooby Gang.  Here’s hoping they don’t they don’t decide to kill him off next week . ..

Father Knows Best

In other adult news, Allison and Papa Argent shared a nice moment, during which Papa indoctrinated Allison into kind of a neat family tradition of fashioning bullets out of silver.  I liked that Allison decided to fashion a silver arrowhead instead, since that has always been her weapon of choice.

bonding

One of the cool things about Allison Argent is that, while she remained faithful to her family’s history and ideals, she was never afraid to question them, when they needed questioning, and to chart out her own path, when the old family guidebooks didn’t seem to suit her current situation.  As a werewolf hunter, Allison Argent has always been a bit of a pioneer.  Sure she stumbled a bit, along the way, was evil for a good portion of the second season, and sometimes seemed more interested in getting laid than getting stuff done.  But hey, she’s just a teenager after all.  And given that, I’d say she made for a pretty fierce heroine during her lifetime on the show.

dark allison 1

Was Allison’s “goodbye” to her father a bit heavy handed, particularly in light of her demise by the end of the episode?  Sure!  I mean, Allison and her dad pretty much put themselves in harm’s way every episode this season.  Why choose now to get all mushy gushy about it?  But as an opportunity to showcase the character’s strengths and how much she’s grown since the pilot episode, I think the season was an effective one.

talking with daddy

Unlike, say . . . the scene between Scott and his dad . . .

whos your daddy

After weeks of speculation, the real Big Secret Scott’s dad had been keeping from his son about why he left was finally revealed.  And it was . . .  drumroll please . . .

finn head nod

Scott hit his head once when he was a baby, because Scott’s dad was a drunk.

know why

THAT’S IT????!   THAT’S THE DEEP DARK SECRET?? WHY THE GUY STAYED AWAY ALL THIS TIME?

scared stupid things joeliepolie

Well . . . at least it explains why our True Alpha is so . . . how do I put this kindly?  Slow?

ephemeral

Too many knocks to the noggin during one’s pre-adolescent years could cause any kid to end up a few crayons short of a Crayola Box .  . .

yet another scott face

Speaking of non-sequiturs, elsewhere in Beacon Hills the Alpha Twins almost get murdered by a barrage of wolfsbane-infused bullets, but are rescued by Derek, in a sequence that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with this week’s episode, apart from the possible build-up of a cliffhanger for Season 4.

nothing to do with

Change in Ownership

It took Kira playing a silly board game with her mother, and a fake cell phone conversation between Meredith and The Banshee Network for our Scooby Gang to figure out what most fans could have told you back in episode 3 or 4 . . . that the final showdown between the Oni, Nogitsu-Stiles and the Scooby Gang was destined to take place where all this crap began 70 years earlier  . . . at Eichen House.

eichen house

Speaking of complex machinations leading to obvious conclusions, it also appears that Nogitsu-Stiles only captured Lydia so he could figure out when the Oni were close enough for him to break Kira’s mom’s last tail, assigning their ownership from her to him.

break

ownership

Hey Nogitsu-Stiles, I could think of another way you could have figured out when the Oni were close . . . you could have waited until you ACTUALLY SAW THEM . . .

ep 9 obviously stiles

Just saying . .

Complaints aside, I’m not a huge fan of Kira’s mom.  I think she’s kind of a b*tch basically.  So, I’d be lying if I didn’t cheer just a little bit when Nogitsu-Stiles smiled smarmily at his sort-of / kind-of erstwhile ex girlfriend, while he flaunted her army of former minions in her face.  That’s what you get for being cocky, Mommy Dearest.

bamf

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAAT

Time for this week’s fight scene.  And ooh, I’ve gotta say, this one is a doozy.

Stiles finds Lydia and to say she is unhappy to be rescued is an understatement.  Not that the girl is ungrateful, per say, it’s just that she was pretty confident the death that she was feeling was Nogitsu-Stiles.  But now that all her friends are here fighting for her honor, well . . .

my best friend

Let’s just say she’s rightfully got a bad feeling about this.

While Real Stiles takes a much deserved other nap  (Dude really did spend most of this season asleep, didn’t he?) .  . .

need more nap

. . . the rest of the gang takes another shot at the now fully-recharged evil Oni.  And they get slaughtered!

homework

 

slaughtered

 

“Homework is looking pretty good right now.”

In a surprise twist, Allison figures out, almost by accident that they key to killing the Oni are the same silver-tipped arrowheads she fashioned just hours earlier.

missing what am i

 

try again

 

dying

 

wizardofzwitchmelt1

 

“I’m mellllttttinnnng.”

Annnnnd . .. then she gets her tummy sliced in half by an Oni Sword.  Isn’t that always how things work out?

stabs

A horrified Scott rushes to Allison’s side only to realize that she is basically already gone.  He can’t even take away her pain, because she feels nothing.  In her tearfully poignant final monologue, Allison declares Scott as her first and always love . . .

love you

(Sorry Isaac!  Maybe it would have been better off if she did bone the fly.)

sad is

She also pleas that Scott tell her father something . . . but she dies before she can say what that something is.  I’m thinking her message for dad has to do with the Oni-killing arrowheads. Allison must have put something different in them to make them the effective weapons they were.  I suspect this “secret” will come into play in next week’s finale.

this is me thinking

But for now, we mourn Allison Argent, the third member of the Argent clan to meet an untimely demise, and the first to actually die as a pretty darn decent person . . .

final word

 

crap

 

sads

Why do I have the terrible feeling that old evil Gramps is going to outlive them all . . .

mountain ash

Next week on Teen Wolf, the Season of Nogitsu-Stiles will reach its stunning conclusion, and another pack member will, unfortunately, kick the wolfsbane bucket.

Any guesses as to which Beacon Hills resident shouldn’t be buying any green bananas?

Until next time,Werebangers!

stiles rescue

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Buggin’ Out – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “De-Void”

no go

Aloha, Werebangers!   This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.

bug mafia

bugging

Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off?  What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel?  Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?

firefly people

As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .

crazy derek

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .

ready to kill

serial killer

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .

evil now

and Dream Slut Allison .   . .

dont stop

It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . .  Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes.  But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?

Loved it!

winky stiles

So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.  Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]

Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!

I hate to say it, folks.  But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.

stiles upward looking

What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!

Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands.   The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him.   And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.

dont trust the fox

Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.

was thinking of doing some interior decorating

“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such.  So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating.  Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”

Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.

A father’s love for his son . . .

gun showdown

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

A hunter’s ego and bloodlust  . . .

ep 8 papa a

“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”

A friend’s loyalty . ..

aww thats cute

kind of turned on right now

“Not going to lie.  I’m a little turned on right now.  You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”

tazed

“Trust me, friend.  This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”

take that taser

“Really?  Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”

Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .

havent you all learned

“Sh*t, this place again.  Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break.  We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”

kill them

“It’s been fun guys.  But I’ve kind of gotta jet.  Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!

As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more.  After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.

And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .

nogitsune

man no head

And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course.  But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .

which way did they go

“I feel so used!”

Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping.   Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago  . . .

lyd and sty

Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done.  Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.

ephemeral

Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?

bad scott

True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .

always been the alpha

Should Have Brought More Bug Spray

Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .

hey look whose back

“Hey sweet cheeks.  My body is rotting, my soul is gone.  But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works.  Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”

not tonight loverboy

“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”

We can understand her nostalgia.  After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .

nogitsune teeth

“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”

. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .

my balls

“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”

. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday,  it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .

gulp

“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”

Talk about trading down!

Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

got your tail

“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”

sex me now 2

Kid travels fast!  Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House.  Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .

hi stiles

While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .

self stab

“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”

WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?

infestation

“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”

Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve .  . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”

Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .

bug tummy

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”

Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .

Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!

Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted  aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!

macys product placement

2 17 phone

I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..

But you know what I did after watching this episode?  I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .

bandaids

Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .

into the wound

*Slurp, slurp*

And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .

That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .

taste buggy

spoon

ogle

“YEAH!  BUG PORN!”

Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .

condom 2

Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!

Damn, GPS!

Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .

But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system.  I lovingly named her Taylor.  And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State.    Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction.   But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures .  . . despite  those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”

left turn at hellmouth

“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”

So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.

parking lot

“You have reached your destination . . .  for sex in Season 4.”

MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .

Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .

Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .

so not sexy

“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet.  But this is kind of ridiculous.”

Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . .  foreplay . .  .

hush yo mouth

“Talk dirty to me?”

Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show,  why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?

orgasm face

Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s  slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .

kerosene

“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”

As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE .  . .

electrifying

I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage.  After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings.  Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .

sibling rival

kill you both

Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?

charlies angels

“We aren’t being the least bit helpful.  But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”

Weapons of Mass Destruction

With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles.  Their reluctant choice?  Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!

lit your fire

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing.  He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism.  And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.

malia older

Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods.  And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .

in the head

Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????

derek body

wet stiles

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

little miss scatterbrain

Be afraid, Werebangers . . .  Be Very Afraid . .  .

This is your brain on Stiles . . .

Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .

mischeivous stiles

First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.

big trap

trapped

And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .

“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”

lyd screams

And so he does . . .

After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.

freddy-krueger1

“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”

He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .

lots of balloons big

“Haha, look at all those blue balls.  Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”

And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .

penis likes brain doesn't

“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”

nodding oh yeah

. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!

Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed.  But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .

allison bamf heir of slytherin

You go, Stiles!  Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .

Papa Don’t Preach

Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .

you kind a susck

“You kind of suck at your job.”

gettin fired

“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max.  So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”

. . . Detective McCall?

nice guy deep down

“Douchey on the outside.  Soft and mushy on the inside.”

Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time.  Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .

singing-fish-singing

No GO!

Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to  find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.

wake up

“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”

(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)

whats that spell

“Poor man’s checkers . . .”

Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .

is this a mall (2)

“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”

Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .

tear jerk (2)

wake uppppp stiles

I know what will help you!  How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..

the how

carebear stareee

And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .

better now

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Talk about a powerful mouth!  No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .

Got any toilet paper?

Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.

seriously what have i eaten

“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies!  Do not try this at home!

SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago .  . .

sexing

Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .

no shopping

“Hey guys!  We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”

But wait . . . which Stiles is which?

who am i

Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .

super gross

“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .

its me its me

Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k?  You’re move, Scooby Gang!

Until next time, Werebangers!

bad stiles more

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Burning Up for Your Love – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Fox and The Wolf”

the photo

Memories, like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories, of the way we were . . . before you got burned alive by grandma, and had to wear toilet paper around your head . . . and I accidentally got you possessed by an evil fox spirit . . . and killed you with my big ole sword .  . . and you came back to terrorize the entire cast of Teen Wolf . . .

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week’s installment of TeenWolf took us back in time to 1943, in order to finally “unwrap the bandages” on the Nogitsune’s sort-of origin story.  Turns out our evil villain was simply following orders from Kira’s mom????!

worst

“I’m kind of The Worst.”

We also learned that the Nogitsune’s tendency to possess attractive likeable boys with good hearts didn’t start with Stiles.

my balls

“Hey Kira’s mom?  Wanna play with my balls?”

But hey, now that we see what happened to the Nogitsune’s previous host, I’m starting to think our loveable hero has it easy.  At least Stiles gets to keep his pretty face for all his troubles  . . .

stiles upward looking

 A face that’s too pretty to be wrapped in Charmin. . .

It wasn’t my favorite episode of Teen Wolf.  I’m not going to lie.  While I appreciated the cinematic beauty and standalone-quality “The Fox and The Wolf” offered, I’ve never been one for flashback episodes that are focused almost entirely on supporting cast members.  While I feel like the episode was important to Season 3B in its reveal of the Nogitsune’s “humble beginnings,” and its finally tying the ever- pervasive theme of Japanese internment camps (and the Nemeton, for that matter) to the Story Proper, part of me feels like the narrative could have been condensed to one or two scenes, leaving more time to focus on the present-day dilemmas of our Scooby Gang, as they prepare to wage war against the Nogitsune.

let me out big

(I mean, Dylan O’Brien literally had no lines in the entire episode.  All he got to do during the entire hour was wave at the camera for two seconds.  What the f*&k was that about?)

Nevertheless, I appreciated Arden Cho’s impressive efforts in an episode that fell almost entirely on her shoulders, as she tackled the dual role of both Kira, and a younger version of her nearly 900-year old mother (Now , that’s some GOOD plastic surgery!).  And hey, I like looking at pretty soldier boys as much as the next girl.  So, who am I to complain?

handsome thank you

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, special thanks to Andre my screencapper, for whom I would totally steal a baseball, if we were ever stuck in an internment camp together.]

Why I’ll Never Look at a Bottle the Same Way Again . . .

head snappy

excedrin

Let me start by saying that the Nogitsune will likely go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf villain ever.  He’s crafty.  He’s terrifying.  He took Dylan O’Brien’s acting to a whole other level . . .

dont trust the fox

But one of the things that always pissed me off about him was his insistence on spouting off those annoying childish riddles.  He’s like the only kid in your elementary school class who still found knock-knock jokes funny after age 5, and continued to spout them off annoyingly to anybody who would listen all through middle school.

gay dancing riddler

But now we know that the Nogitsune’s reliance on riddles is merely ironic.  He’s just making fun of his first (scratch that second  .  . . ) victim (who was kind of an asshat, anyway, truth be told).  And that makes him SO much cooler . . .

YOLO

“YOLO!”

The episode opens in 1943.  Two mildly attractive soldiers are disposing of dead bodies.  One of them keeps trying to annoyingly pepper his comrade, who is clearly unamused, with stupid riddles.

Q: “What has teeth, but doesn’t bite?”

A “A comb.”

Q:“What has a neck but no head?”

A: “A bottle”

What has two hands

“OK. I’ve got one.  What has two thumbs, a really bad sense of humor, and is about to be killed in the most ironically awful way possible? THIS GUYYYYY!”

Then Mr. Toilet Paper Head himself appears out of nowhere in the middle of the field.  Non-joke loving comrade tries to shoot him to no avail.  In fact, Mr. Toilet Paper Head wrenches his gun from the put-upon shoulder and shoots him, multiple times, in the chest.

a hug

“Kiss me, Sweetheart.”

Bad Riddle Teller tries to run, but it isn’t long before Mr. Toilet Paper Head Nogitsune’s got him by the throat as well.  “What’s got a neck, but no head?”  He asks slyly, before decapitating the annoying soldier, and holding his blood dripping face toward his disembodied corpse.

holding the head

potato head

Now, that may very well have been the first riddle I actually enjoyed.  Does that make me a bad person?

nodding oh yeah

Probably . . .

The Older the Tail, The Stronger the Oni

Having broken free from the nuthouse, a slightly sleep-deprived, but still sexy scary Stiles pays a visit to everybody’s current favorite history professor, Kira’s dad.  Why is it that history professors are constantly put in mortal danger on these supernatural teen shows?  Did all the writers of these television series flunk history, back in high school?  Because, personally, I did fine in history.  If I wrote a teen television series, it would be the math teachers, who’d be in serious trouble . . .

feeling kind of dead

kind of dead

reading lessons

“Oh, hello Stiles.  Let me guess.  You want me to teach you how to read again.”

books bad

“No way!  Books are bad!  I hate you and your stupid books.”

He knocks over a few books with his long, oddly erotic fingertips,  as he opines the location of Kira’s mom’s hidden tails . . .  the tails that, when broken create the Darth Vadery-looking Oni, the Oni that are out to murder Nogitsu-Stiles, but, so far, haven’t been all that successful.

the tale

have a tail

It appears that a Kitsune obtains a new tail for every 100 years of life, and Kira’s mom has already lost seven of hers attempting to eradicate Nogitsu-Stiles.  But there is one left.  And it’s the oldest, and therefore, strongest, one of all . . .

darth vader

When Kira’s dad won’t willingly give up the location of Tail number 8, Nogitsu-Stiles makes him swallow a bug, which gross, but an entirely effective method of torture.

gulp

I mean, I’d auction off my first born to not suffer the indignity of having to choke on bugs in front of a sexy evil Dylan O’Brien.  So embarrassing. . .

Picture Perfect

Last week, we saw Stiles’ first possible sex partner escape the Loony Bin, in order to offer up a photograph as payment to Scott McCall, the one person with access to the knowledge Kira needs to turn back into a coyote forever.  (Hey Kira, are you sure this is what you really want?  Because, last I checked coyotes, only got to screw other coyotes . . .in other words, no more Stiles Sex for you!)

sexing

coyote

This week, we see Scott studying the photograph recently retrieved from the Nogitsune’s pocket.  The woman in the photograph looks just like Kira, herself, though the black and white photo was clearly taken before Kira’s birth, and the man in it is unknown to her.  Suspecting the photograph is of her a relative of hers, Kira takes Scott to the high school for a long-overdue confrontation with her parents.

help daddy

By the time they arrive, Kira’s mom is already there, helping her husband un-choke on a bug.

hack pooey

“I don’t get it.  He wanted me to talk, but then he made me swallow a bug so that I couldn’t.  He must really hate books.”

Kira’s mom immediately cops to being the woman in the picture, and the true reason for the Nogitsune’s appearance in Mystic Falls.

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

In other words, it’s HER fault Stiles might die.  KILL HER!!!!!!

4 8 thendie hoyt full dead

Reap What You Sow . . .

Back in flashback era, we see Kira’s mom stealing apple crates and baseballs from soldiers at olden-day Eichen House, and are SOOOOO not amused.  That Stiles killing biatch!

less apples

gotcha balls

“I’ve really got you by the balls!”

Present day repercussions aside, we learn that Kira’s mom was actually a bit of a Robin Hood, stealing from the soldiers to give to the hungry and deprived in her WW2 Japanese Internment Camp.  She even stole a baseball for a little boy, something that would have seemed out of character in her cold-hard, present-day incarnation.

broken katana

“I eat small children for breakfast.”

A grandma type warns Kira’s mom, who is about 800 years old at the time, that she is “young and reckless” and itching for a beatdown, if she doesn’t become more careful about what and when she steals.   Kira ‘s mom just blows her off.  After all, what do people who age naturally know about getting ahead in the world?

dont mess with granny

“Botox is for pussies.”

Especially, Granny here.  She does nothing to save her friends in the internment camp but sit around and play that wanna-be chess game, Go.  And Go has absolutely nothing to do with defeating the villains of this season . . . or does it?

game of go

Besides, Kira’s mom will never get caught . .  . not as long as she keeps boning the enemy. . .

love story

dropped the ball

Someone’s balls are about to drop about to drop the ball.

Save Stiles

Back at jail, Papa Stilinski breaks Derek and Papa Argent out of jail in the hopes that they will help rescue his son from Evil Fox Mind Control.  With a couple of brain scans in his arsenal, Papa Stilinski reveals what many Werebangers have already surmised, that Stiles’ supposed brain legions were nothing more than a trick perpetrated by the Nogitsune to break down Stiles’ emotional defenses to mind control.    He’s not brain damaged!  He’s just possessed.  SOOOOO MUCH BETTER, right?

brain scan

This is your brain on Nogitsune. .  . Kind of looks like a frog, doesn’t it?

glee frog

Kira and Scott want to save Stiles too, but Kira’s mom insists that murdering him is their only way out?  Why?  Because that’s what she had to do LAST TIME . . .

The Ring of Fire

When the entire internment camp comes down with pneumonia, and the medics find themselves without the medication required to cure it, Kira and her American boyfriend discover that the army doctor and those two dorky soliders who died in the beginning of the episode, have been selling the stuff on the black market at the expense of their patients.

44 mad eric

The little kid with the baseball dies and his dad is furious.

dead kid

sad daddy

The entire internment camp readies itself for revolution.  Of course, angry sick prisoners with sticks are no match for well-armed soldiers, right?  Unless, of course, one of those well-armed soldiers messes with grandma . . .

beating ladies

not cool romeo

NO ONE BEATS UP GRANNY (the secret werewolf), AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

Sorry sexy American boyfriend.  It looks like this Bud is for you!

ill take that

“I’ll take that.”

dont ruin his balls

“Don’t ruin his balls!”

fire crotch a whole

“This takes the term fire crotch to a whole new level.”

why did she hit that one

“Why did she waste my flaming beer on the only nice soldier in this episode?”

feeling hot hot hot

my pretty face

“Give me back my pretty face!”

Then, Kira’s mom gets shot a couple times, and decides to play dead long enough to get shipped off to pasture with the other actually dead bodies, including her boyfriend’s.

not sexy

not an orgy - Copy

Back in the present day, Allison cries to Stiles’ dad in the elevator at the hospital, for no conceivable reason.

got the sads

“I’ve got the sads.”

hugsies al

“And I’ve got a really inappropriate boner.”

But it fits the mood, and Papa Stilinski is relatively sweet about it (especially considering that HE is the one with the possessed son).  So, we don’t think much of it . . .

Nogitsune Rising . . .

Back in Beacon Hills, the Nogitsune makes his next move, right from the bedroom of his host . . .

hi dad

“Where the magic happens . . .”

But in 1943, the Nogitsune has not yet arrived, because Kira’s mom has yet to call it.

sleepy kira

“Catching a quick nap, before I do something REAALLLLLLY stupid.”

Then, she does call him, unwittingly offering up to the trickster spirit an entire truck filled with the bodies of potential hosts.

nogitsune teeth

“It keeps my burnt crispy skin Charmin soft.”

But only one has a toilet paper head!  And boy is Nogitsu-Burned-Up American Boyfriend Pissed Off!

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again . . .

Nogitsu-Boyfriend responds to his girlfriend’s call to action, by killing, not only those jerky soldiers, but also Kira’s mom’s internment camp friends.  Talk about biting the hand that feeds you with your gross pointy teeth!

teeth

Realizing that she pretty much brought about the deaths of everyone who croaked in this episode, Kira decides to take down her Nogitsu-Boyfriend once and for all.  And she does it with the big fat sword under her bed that nobody thought to find, despite the fact that (1) she lived in an internment camp, which was inspected daily for contraband, and (2) her internment camp friends REALLY could have used it during the revolution they lost miserably earlier in the episode . . .

dying nogi

yah

“Grandma, what big teeth you have.”

Long story short, Kira’s mom stabs Nogitsu-Reese with her big fat sword, and the help of the Wolf Granny responsible for burning him to a crisp.  She shatters her big fat sword in the process.

But then, just in case Kira’s mom hasn’t done enough stupid things in the context of this episode, she decides to do something REALLLLLLLLY stupid.

draco malfoy facepalm

A fly comes out of Nogitsu-Boyfriend’s mouth.  Now, let’s guess what Kira’s mom does with the evil fly.

holding fly

“My precious.”

Does she

(1)    Crush it with her fingers

(2)    Squash it with her heel.

(3)    Keep it alive, put it in a jar, and bury it underneath an ALL POWERFUL SUPERNATURAL TREE.

Did you guess 3?  Of course, you did.  Because you know that being really friggin old doesn’t necessarily make you smart.

fireflies

“This is a souvenir of my sex life.”

Back in the present day, Kira uses her electric fingers to put her mom’s Big Fat Nogitsu-Killing Sword back together.  Then, her and Scott rush off to “save” Stiles, by chopping up his insides with the largest sushi knife in the world.  Let’s just hope Kira is smart enough to bring along some bug spray . . .

big stick

Meanwhile, the rest of the Scooby Gang has found a little gift in Stiles room.  It’s a chess set with all the Teen Wolf characters helpfully labeled.  Derek is the king, of course.

on the board

looknig at the pieces

derek dream 1

“I’m the King of the Woooooorllld!”

(I smell another Kung Fu Fighting scene to the tune of Mortal Kombat at Derek’s house!)

hello folks

“You know, you really ought to consider getting more furniture in here.  At least a bed . . .”

Everyone else is pretty much pawns.  And Isaac’s already out of play.  Sorry Isaac.  It looks like having Allison grab your ass has done little to improve your chances for longevity on this show.

isaac scarf

It all sounds pretty ominous.  But what does it mean?

ephemeral

Only Nogitsu-Stiles knows .  . . and Jeff Davis, of course.

gives me joy

 

Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

 

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Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Trojan Horse – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Letharia Vulpina”

big gift

“Hey, it’s me Stiles!  Let me in!  I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”

So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.

my-little-pony1

My Little Trojan Horse Pony

Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.

birthday present

happy birthday

not trusting

And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons.  By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack.  He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection.  He becomes privy to their secrets.

mischeivous stiles

He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .

bad stiles more

All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success.  Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .

ep 6 alpha

“Dance puppet, dance!”

 . . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .

half kanaima jack

.  . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .

dennifer

. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .

funny face grandpa

. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.

destroyer of worlds

But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . .  a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .

stiles and scott

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]

Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals.  Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.

220px-Dr_dolittle_movie_1998

By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.

sleeping scott

But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals.  He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .

great pic

Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .

noooooo

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now, that’s just rude!

Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.

sleepy puppy

“OK, be honest.  Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”

Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.

nogitsune

magical forest

“Marijuana farm?”

“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?”  The Yakuza wants to know.

“Just kidding!”  Deaton replies.  “He wasn’t.  And I just made you touch Kanaima goo.  Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”

touch it

good pot

“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”

Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs.  Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is .  . .

nighty night

“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”

The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore .  . .

shine the light

You can’t see it, IT’S ELECTRIC! Woonky, Wonky, wonky . . .

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital.   Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!

live wire

its electric

electrifying

Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).

dead 1

“Ooh an electric puddle.  I think I’ll step in it!”

bye bye

“Me too!  Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”

Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?

chivalry-quiz-0208-de

Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .

einstein

not going to end well

to save her

to save her 2

to save her 3

“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”

So romantic!

Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .

flippy

“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”

 . . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .

glowy eyes

“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”

(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).

2 3 bacon

isaac scarf

“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”

Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled.  After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .

super hot

“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”

Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .

bigger bubble

. . .  and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.

torn up derek 1

Who is on Team Nogitsune?

Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone.   Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.

eye roll jackson

But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines .  . .

two allisons

Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.”  (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)

mysterious package

“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is.  And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff.  But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”  

condom 2

condom 3

And what about Allison?  The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self”  . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .

look at is

holding hands again

taking pain

allison tear heir of slytherin

“Maybe I should touch his butt again.  It made him stronger last time!”

bacon issac

“I really hope she touches my ass again.  That will solve all my problems.”

Just sayin . . .

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”

At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . .  Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show?  Have we . . .

matt and ma

evil jenny

In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show.   What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .

trust me

“I come in peace.”

But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?

good witch or bad witch

Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?

more dancing stiles

Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles.  And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt.  And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .

no idea what im doing

“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

plans

lucky charms guy

And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy .  . .

“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”

In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.

trying to seduce you

Peter Hale is equally slutty.  Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia.  Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy.  Or is he?

looking at you kid

smug

“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”

Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .

narcissistic teens

. . . because seducing  a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!

Dumb like fox!

It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.

the chain

is this the trap

“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”

stabbed

“Not quite, Coach.”

this hurts a little

“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”

But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?

i think i love you

 

“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”

 

into it

Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut?  Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex?  What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?

Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.

give him air

 

the finger

 

make peace

 

“Is it at least a middle finger?  Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”

“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”

lit your fire

 

he's insane

Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case).  Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .

heard party

For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural   hearing ability.   The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.

lyd screams

 

“Everybody stop talking,  Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”

Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch.  And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .

stole a memory

Meanwhile back at school . . .

“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”

Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .

not happy

(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)

not throw up

If only Keanu Reeves were here.  He’d know what to do for sure!

Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.

you look really

 

handsome thank you

 

Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.”  You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.

“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag!  You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”

Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die.  Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.

matrix1

Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus.  It’s nothing but a crafty ruse.  A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .

stilinski

 

“Hey look!  Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office.   Wasn’t that nice of him?”

We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”

blue just pretty

Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .

explosions

Telling “Tails”

Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets?  Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.

controlling nails

 

“Take that, bad manicure!”

not just an uncle

comparison

Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates.  Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.

hidden tails

 

the tale

Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3

 

“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”

No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book.  Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!

eyes doing thing

Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .

the rescue again

 

you're ok im ok

(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him.  Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise?  Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)

internet derek 1

If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .

friday yet

 

“Is it Friday yet?”

But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .

fonde fondle

There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . .  the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.

big bad oni

But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?

Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors.  And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY!  He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power.  (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it?  Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)

arm twist

Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand.  (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)

tickle finge

 

twisty

 

give it to me

 

even more

 

orgasm face

 

was it as good for you

 

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”

that was amazing

“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”

Talk about getting off on pain!  That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he?  That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!

sex me now 2

But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .

hot girl

. . . help is on the way!  The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?

have some weed

 

“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”

that's some good shit

“That’s some good sh*t!”

And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills?  But for how long?

dont trust the fox

Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be.   He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass.  But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be?  What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?

Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

stiles in strife

 

honeybadger dont care

Source

“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

good at something

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

old riddler

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

gay dancing riddler

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

demon wolf

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

cyber smurf

voldemorteet

funny face grandpa

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

whose behind the mask

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

crying stiles

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

whose behind the mask 2

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

nogitsune teeth

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

crawling

 

panic now

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

hot girl

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

wazzuuuup

wazzup

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

can you hear me now scott

hear me now

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

i think i just

“I think I just pissed my self.”

orly

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

thinker

 

the_thinker

 

lydia smirk

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

sexy time

artschool

standing

bose

 

hi stiles

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

dammit

deflated balloon

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

ep 9 obviously stiles

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

pulling strings

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

crazy board

4 12 psycho handbook

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

likes you  a lot

 

the picture 1

 

the picture 2

 

evil tree

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

red unsolved

 

colored strings

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

shin light

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

bloody foot

 

ust chillin

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

disappearing self

damon dont judge

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

daddy o

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

haha

 

darth vader

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

going to die

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

on the roof sniffing

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

winky stiles

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

derek to andre

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

sterek next to eachother

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

touching string

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

now im crazy gg plotholes

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

lyd and sty

stydia kiss 6

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

not there

lydia brave tatikatelena

Or was he . . . .?

self

 

mischeivous stiles

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

2 16 damon says stop talking

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

shut up

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

here's a story about my pee

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

rescued

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

kira and derek

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

bat the bat

im batman haa

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

sad dad

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

broken eggs

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

gives me joy

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

bromance

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

great cap

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

crying stiles in hos

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

thanks mommy the mri

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

doctor-bot-operation

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

lyd screams

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

eyes open

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

great shot

toilet paper on floor

good stiles

STILES?!

bad stiles more

 

BabyScared

Wait . . . what?

take off shadow

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

shadow self

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

no thank you

 

stydia big 2

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

explosion

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

electrifying

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

bamf

 

honeybadger dont care

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

stiles doesn't care

 

bored now

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

foxfire

ah no

 

surprised-face

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

two allisons

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

unamused

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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