It’s Always Dawn-est Before the Dark – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Heroes and Villains”

queens of darkness

Welcome to the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, a.k.a. The Episode Where We Learn How Everything That Was Fixed in the Last Episode Will Turn to Crap Just in Time for Part B of the Season. It was an episode jam packed with ooey gooey goodness, and a heaping helping of angst thrown in for good measure. Let’s see, we got a wedding . . .

clapping

. . . well . . . part of a wedding . . .

ouat 4.1 belle

. . . we got to see a bride look in the mirror before her wedding . . .

“What? She couldn’t have waited another 20 minutes, until she got home? What a b*tch! Team Regina all the way!”

Two lovers rekindled their romance . . .

say goodbye

. . . and then . . . un-kindled it.

regina tears

Rumpel had a very good day . . .

everything i desire

. . . followed by a very bad one . . .

im afraid

. . . followed by a trip to the aquarium?

Lots of people made out with one another.

reunited kiss hook

And three very fabulous Drag Queens of Darkness finally found their King.

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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Happily Ever Asshole – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Shattered Sight”

hell am i

Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.

The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)

snowwing brook

Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!

dont trust blondes

No pressure, right?

So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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PETER PAN LIVE RECAP: We Watched It ALL, From “I GOTTA CROW” to “OY VEY OH!”

peter pan live

Ahhh, Peter Pan. You remember him from your childhood, right? He’s the perpetual man child known for sneaking into your bedroom window in the middle of the night, making you snort something called “fairy dust” that he insists will make you “fly,” and then whisking you away to a far off land where your parents will NEVER EVER FIND YOU!

ouat season 3 peter pan

Fast forward to the present day. You’re all grown up. You’ve blocked out of your memory that brief period of time when you were part of the child slave trade. Everything is OK, or so you think. Then you turn on your television, and who do you see but that charming sociopath Peter Pan himself, re-imagined as the Pretty Uptight One from Girls . . .

miserable

. . . and Captain Hook as . . . THIS GUY?

im funky

It’s like something out of your wildest fever dream or most cringe-inducing nightmare. You want to look away, but you can’t . . . FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS . . .

As I got myself psyched up to do this live-reaction blog/recap, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the wise words of Allison Williams herself, who said, more of less, “Please for the love of all that is holy, do not hate watch me in Peter Pan.” It’s a valid concern of Allison’s, especially in light of That Thing That Happened Last Year That No One Wants to Talk About. For this reason, I have decided to engage myself in a bit of a Pavlovian Dog Punishment Plan to prevent me, personally, from hate-watching Peter Pan.

To effectuate my plan, I have invited Marnie from Girls over to my house to look over my shoulder as I type and personally insult me every time I make a comment about the show that appears to be even vaguely hate-watchy . . .

marnie bag of dying babies

See? That was for the beginning of this article, where I not so subtly referred to a beloved children’s character as a kidnapper and possible child slave trader. As you can see, Marnie pulls no punches . . .

angry boxing

I think this is going to work out just fine.

Let’s get this Neverland party started, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this snarktastic recap here.

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The Wishy Washy Wishing Star – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Fall”

making the curse

Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.

ouat 4.2 snow baby

It has snappy one liners . . .

dont trust blondes

Hot people tearfully kissing . . .

goodbye lover

not afraid

Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .

that hat

And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .

we were froze

Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.

Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.

carol safety

But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.

OUAT Snow White golden arrow

I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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To Thine Own Self Be True – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Smash the Mirror”

smashing the mirror

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius said these iconic words to his son Laertes on the eve of the latter’s trip to Paris to warn him not to go slutting it up with the local Parisian lassies while on holiday. He could be a bit uptight sometimes, that Polonius.

Nowadays, these words are commonly evoked to mean something a bit less . . . celibate. They are about self-acceptance, self-love, self-understanding, and all that other mushy gushy “self” stuff. They are about embracing your flaws and weaknesses with as much passion as you do your strengths and gifts. These words are Dr. Phil: Twitter Edition, basically.

Coincidentally, this famous phrase also just so happens to be the theme of this week’s Super-Sized Edition of Once Upon a Time. Love yourself . . .

. . . even if you have a habit of shooting firebolts out of you fingertips, which occasionally turn your son into a human rocket launcher . . .

finger magic

. . . or you have a really bad snow dandruff problem, and only own one smelly dress . . .

ouat 4.1.a dandruff

. . .or if you have the worst haircut in the history of bad haircuts . . .

ouat 4.2 snow upset

. . . or you are an Evil Queen with a penchant for boning married dudes in mausoleums . . .

mackin outlaw 2

. . . or you’re a popsicle . . .

“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”

“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”

. . . or you have a delusion that two women who look and are young enough to be your daughters are actually your “sisters” . . .

sad snow

Love yourself, in spite of all these things, or better yet, because of them.

Because, if you don’t, you can be sure as hell that nobody else will . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To check out the rest of this jumbo-sized, snarktastic recap, click here.

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The Firestarter – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “The Snow Queen”

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif”><img class=”size-full wp-image-25931 aligncenter” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif&#8221; alt=”blowing” width=”500″ height=”281″ /></a>

In a season that’s been all about snow monsters, people who shoot ice out of their fingers, and women who accidentally/on purpose get turned into popsicles, “The Snow Queen” was a nice, refreshing, change of pace. Why, you ask? Because this was an hour of television that brought the heat, in more ways than one . . .

Now, unless you own an ice cream shop or a ski lodge, or just find the refrigerator in your home to be a huge waste of space, the ability to shoot icicles from your finger is pretty much one of the least useful super powers ever.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter wp-image-24834 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg&#8221; alt=”Gluten free, death full!” width=”587″ height=”280″ /></a>

(Almost as unhelpful in life as “being able to tell when people are lying <del datetime=”2014-11-10T03:14:15+00:00″>except for when its plot convenient for you not to be able to tell.</del>”)

Shooting firebolts from your fingers on the other hand, now THAT is pure awesomesauce.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25347″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg&#8221; alt=”finger magic” width=”599″ height=”337″ /></a></p>
Consider this for a moment. In a single episode, we saw Emma’s magical hot fingers used to warm baby bottles . . .

. . . convert dull tap water into sparkling . . .

. . . provide an inexpensive form of mood lighting . . .

. . . offer demolition and remodeling services . . .

. . . and redirect traffic.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25952″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif&#8221; alt=”haha snow” width=”500″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
Also bringing the heat, this week, Regina and Robin, who taught all of us the very important lesson that, while cheaters never win, they still can be really awesome kissers.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif”><img class=”wp-image-25928 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif&#8221; alt=”more makeout” width=”245″ height=”150″ /></a> Game of Bones
<p style=”text-align: left;”>More importantly, amidst all of this “hot stuff,” the titular Snow Queen finally got her own backstory. And, holy heck, was it a heart breaker (heart freezer?) One that arguably sets her apart as one of the most sympathetic villains in <em>Once</em> history, played with devastating vulnerability and an understated and, dare I say, chilly, grace by Elizabeth Mitchell.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25922″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif&#8221; alt=”cant love” width=”245″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Let’s review, shall we?</p>

You can check out the rest of the recap here.

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A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

cover image blondie

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

ouat 4.2 disney snow

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

terrible dream

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

everyone in town is related making eyes at eachother

making eyess

once a child

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)

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