I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face. – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Blonde Leading the Blind”

Greetings, my Pretties!  Oh, rainy days!  They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.

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Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface.  It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .

Remember Paige?  Nobody else does . . .

This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .

But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ian.  I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile!  Don’t mind me.   I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”

When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone.  This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor.  What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)

HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross.  Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”

SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”

The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now.  ”I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.

Poor girl!  Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk.  Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .

The video then rough cuts to later that night.  Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.

Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party!  WTF man?”

Blind Jenna: *clears throat loudly*

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Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance.  What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership.  As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .

“MWAH-HAHAHA!”

Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking.  They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .

“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”

Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .

Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that.  I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility.  Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .

. . .  or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .

“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”

So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?

Well, apparently “A” does too.   Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera.  That made “A” angry.  And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .

“Hey Spence .  . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all.   But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that?  I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”

Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .

“This truck is a real chick magnet.”

Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck.  This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .

She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars.  Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .

“What?  Why are you looking at me, like that?  Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”

In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .

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“Pretty please, can I see her?  I’ve recently showered and everything!”

Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him.  So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .

Everybody Loves a Beard . . .

“Me?  Gay?  Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”

Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey!  That rhymed!)  Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection.  But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .

HANNA: *pouts* “Oh!  Aria is so lucky.  I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”

EMILY: *clears throat loudly*

The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria.  You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .

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To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening.  Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans.  But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .

“Well, hello there, little lady.  Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”

Be Afraid, Caleb .  . . Be VERY Afraid . . .

“Sure!  I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”

Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you?  Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .

“Ahhh, yes.  The camera loves me.  Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”

Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working.  Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat.  Did he know what Caleb was doing?  Probably  . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all.  After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .

It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .

  . . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .

As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue.  This time, that person is Hanna.  The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT?  Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day.  (There I go, rhyming again . . .)

DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”

Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special.  And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .

(Side note:  Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died.  And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)

We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night.  Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .

“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.

Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch.  One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .

“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”

The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . .  In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies.  And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house.  She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this.  And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?

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Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender.  ”A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .

Plot?  I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .

The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .

“You are getting very sleepy.  When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”

At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time.  In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her.  But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end.  And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .

Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there.  I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT.  And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers .  . .

Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend.  ”He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly.  (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)

“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket.  I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”

“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style.  ”It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”

She’s right . . . those . . . eyebrows . . . so  . . . hairy . . . can’t  . . . look . . . away . . .

(Side note:  I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference.  Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.”  But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)

Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees.  Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation.  Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?

Surprise!  It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all.   (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.)  By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms?  Maybe she has irritable bowel  syndrome?  That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .

Meet me at the Big Ole Clock . . .

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I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter.  Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails!  You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though.   She sure is persistent.  We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.

Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .

Forbidden love?  There’s an app for that . . .

Look!  He’s flying . . . or not . . .

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Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker.  This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why).  Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated .  . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .

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“Oh no!  I hope he didn’t hurt his beautiful abs!”

Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .

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“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”

Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician.  I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . .  Give up?

It’s WRENNNNNNN!  HOOOOOOORAAYY!

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*sighs elatedly. . . takes deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship.  (This is news, right?)  In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.

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(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)

The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him.  Cue the text from “A” . . .

 . . . annnnd . .  . Spencer’s speedy departure.  (Bye Wren . . . for now!  We’ll see you soon!  I miss you already!)

That not-so-fresh feeling . . .

One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .

Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .

Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.”  Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital.  It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.”  ”We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.”  ”I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)

Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already?  Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?

(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)

That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window.   And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans.  They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .

But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode.  She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense.  HELLO!  Emily’s GAY!  Read the memo, Blind Jenna.  And here I thought you knew everything . . .

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And who’s fault is that, exactly, Blind Jenna?

Meanwhile, in Halebland . . .

Anyone care for an NAT Club Smoothie?

You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?

CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”

HANNA:  ”Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”

CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”

HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”

Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder.  Hanna, apparently, thinks so too.  Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .

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“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!”  Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.

Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna.  Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .

Speaking of alone . . .

Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.

“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers.  It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”

Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her.  And she does it in the most painful way possible too . .  . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .

As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was.  As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action.  Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure  . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .

As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance.  Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved.  But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .

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Poor Wren.  He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating.  Then again, maybe he does . . .

Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .

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It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me.  Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .

TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .

But, in lighter news . . .

How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .

“A good deed . . . I did do.  But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”

Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .

And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way.  . .

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OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay.  (He sure could have fooled me.)  He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb).  And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas).  So, what secrets does that leave, exactly?

Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .

 . . . and waits . . .

“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee .  . .”

Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .

In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please!  A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger?  That’s horse poopy!”

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As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria.  And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood.  Of course, Yoda student is elated.  So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .

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And so, the student has become the teacher.  Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .

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Somewhere north of the Death Star, Yoda Student is doing a little dance of joy . . .

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Got a Secret Can You Keep It . . . From Hanna?

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In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . .  Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .

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But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . .  to PROTECT HER . . .

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It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions.   And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna.  Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .

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The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .

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This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .

Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT!  And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell.  Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .

See you then, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Devil Went Down to Panchitos . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Father and the Bride”

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The Devil went down to Panchitos

He was looking for a beverage to spike.

He was in a bind, because Blair’s so refined.

But her nuptials, he did not like . . .

So, when Blair emerged for some fresh air, he gently whispered in her ear.

“That cop’s really a stripper, so give him your reefer, and, maybe offer him your brassiere.” 

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.

I must admit, I’m a bit worried.  These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse.  What’s next?  Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?

Uh oh!  I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye!  But, before I do that, let’s review.  Shall we?

Unholy Alliances . . .

When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears.  (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.)  Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead.  And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.

Example 1

Example 2

As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.

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“Peekaboo!  (I see YOU!)” 

His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode.  I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .

Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . . 

Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  To this, Chuck responds, “Meh!  Do it.   She’s got a sexy voice.  And knowing your track record,  she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go.  Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”

Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.

Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .

“Kiss me, you Donut!” 

So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating?  Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning.  That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple.  But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .

Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type.  So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style or lack thereof.

Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time.  She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.”  She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him.  Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”

“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?” 

But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless.  And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .

At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.

“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings?  Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”

Blair used to rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath.  But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely.  So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )!  And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an  opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.

Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .

Beatrice-bot really plays up her other species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery  Extravaganza.  (Why?  What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials?  Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)

“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.” 

Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor.  And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”

Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable.  When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?”  How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks,  while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.

But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .

Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)

In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck.  (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair.  And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss.  The GG writers are such shameless teases!  Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.”  But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .

Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor.  So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball.  No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time.  My theory?  Slimeball Priest ate him . . .

“Tastes just like Heaven . . .” 

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .

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Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend?  Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .

We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day.  But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky.  He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco.  What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time?  Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .

Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .

Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil? 

Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this.  Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .

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See, Blair?  Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy.  You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him  . . .  (You know you want to .  . .)

In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate.  I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .

Oh, that’s cold!  Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters.  That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!

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On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .

(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl?  Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)

When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.”  Nate, I’m sorry.  I like you, and all.  But you wouldn’t know  a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .

Shameless of me . . . I know.

Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning.  Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling.  I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel.  Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .

“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .” 

In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena.  Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?

“When did I become such a stud?”

Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth,  enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth.  And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .

“Heyyyyyy . .  . Serena.  So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship .  . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?” 

“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . .  even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”

“Yeah that’s the one.  Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that.  It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all.  It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent.  And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer.  It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer.  Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.” 

“Sure, honey.  No problem.  I’ll take that column down, right away.  Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now.  Toodles!”

(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)

Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .

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“Mmmm . . . these chuck .  . . er . . . I mean . . . macaroons are delicious.” 

So, of course, it’s fitting that the inspiration for Blair’s macaroon craving arrives, just moments later . . .

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As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it.  I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here.  By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute (basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him).  And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .

“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”

If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit.  They’re very comfy, you know . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is.  So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . .  (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)

“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means.  Darn Gossip Girl!  Always so cryptic!” 

As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published.  We’ve seen this now three times, already.   The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now.  I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).

In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck.  Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . . 

Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.”  So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.

“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George.  And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”

“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .” 

Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena.  You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.

You know what that means?  Darena fanfiction.  So suck it, Alessandra . . .

“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version?  I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .” 

Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”

Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him.  Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too).  But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl.  I smell a SCHEME!

I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!

Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset.  So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what.   But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.

Even the actors look bored by this scene . . . 

Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp?  Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster?  It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .

Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped. 

Let’s put aside for a second the fact that  we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t.  He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.”  What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks.  The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?

I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.).  But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby.  Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?

Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .

“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .” 

Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess?  Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party.  It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week.  And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER.  In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .

Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . . 

Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .

Of course, he’d have a lot more credibility saying this, if he WASN’T, going against his vows, by hooking up with Beatrice-bot  . . .

Getting Jiggy with Queen B . . .

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In what was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode, Blair attends her bachelorette party at Panchitos, and proceeds to get rip-roaring wasted, thanks to a cleverly fixed drinking game, courtesy of Beatrice Bot.

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The game involved naughty acts of Blair’s exes.  And the only one I distinctly remember was something about Carter Baizzen wearing women’s underwear . . . Still, it was pretty awesome.

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You know who else is awesome?  Drunk Blair!  I don’t think I’ve seen her have this much fun, since she stripped for Chuck, and made sweet, sweet love to him for the very first time, in the limo, back in season 1 . . .

Sober Blair is prim, proper, and often calculating.  Drunk Blair is bubbly, happy, carefree, and VERY friendly . . . she’s also a surprisingly good dancer . . .

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You could tell Leighton Meester had a lot of fun exercising her comedy muscle, and displaying this rarely seen side of Blair.  Part of me wishes Chuck was inside to see it to.  Something tells me he would have enjoyed it . . . a lot . . .

“Papa LIKE!” 

You know who else would have enjoyed Drunk Blair?  Serena . . . if she actually SHOWED UP!  FRIEND FAIL!

Sure, ditch me for Grandpa Archibald, and the psycho serial killer Congressman.  See, if I care?

Had Serena been at the party, she might have prevented Blair from making this drunken confession to Beatrice-bot . . .

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Interestingly enough, I think it was Blair’s confession of her star-crossed love for Chuck to Beatrice-bot that actually convinced her NOT to try and sabotage her wedding (BOO).  After all, as Blair so astutely reminded Beatrice-bot, these two actually have a lot in common: forbidden loves, daddy issues, scheming psyches . . . a love of macaroons.  Best friendships have been built on way less . . .

Speaking of lovers and friends, when Blair finally leaves the bar, her lover (Chuck) and her friend (Dan) are waiting for her.  But she doesn’t notice either of them, because she’s too busy getting arrested for handling a joint, someone just happened to toss her way, and fondling a police officer (appropriately named “Weiner”), who just happened to try and take it from her.  Oops!

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Anti-Blouis fans (including Chuck, Dan, Beatrice-bot, Slimeball priest, and 99.99% of the world couldn’t have planned it better) if they tried!   After all, what Prince would marry a “drug addict?”

“Robots don’t do drugs.  It causes them to prematurely rust.”

Surprisingly enough, given all that, Blair seemed to have luck (and friends) on her side.  Moments after she landed in jail, Serena finally dragged her ass away from Golden Girls reruns to bail her out.   And Blair was too drunk to even be pissed off about it . . .

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Even more surprising was the fact that Beatrice-bot actually purchased all the cameras off bar patrons who photographed Blair, so that news of her cop humping, and ganja smoking antics wouldn’t get out?  Well, except for the fact that her cop humping and ganja smoking antics were probably uploaded to YouTube and Facebook by at least ten people about five seconds after it happened . . .

And Blair lived happily ever after . . . well . . . except for a massive hangover .  . .

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 .  . . and the fact that she’s still marrying a lame ass cyborg . . .

“Please, S.  Make this nightmare end . . . I was having such good sex dreams about Chuck.  And then you had to go and wake me up to my REAL life.” 

Becoming the villain . . .

Speaking of Chuck, he came to visit Blair at her home the night of the Bachelorette Party.  But she was too wasted and busy having sex dreams about him to come to the door . . . He did vow to keep fighting for her, though . . .

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 . . . even if that means forming a VERY unholy alliance with the same Slimeball Priest, who, apparently, got his supposed lover Beatrice-bot shipped off to a missionary in Africa, when he heard she wasn’t going to scheme with him against Blair anymore . . .  (Nice guy, right?)  Does it make me a terrible person, that, as awful as Slimeball Priest is, I STILL hope he will succeed in helping Chuck stop this travesty of a wedding?

Oh well . . . You can’t be good all the time, right?

Speaking of no good, even though Blair explicitly told Serena that she didn’t have to pretend to date Dan, anymore, Serena lied to Dan, and said that they DID, just to give her a better chance at getting in his pants.  It’s kind of pathetic, I’m not going to lie . . .

I’m starting to think that this guy has hypnotic powers.  He probably hides them in his hair . . . 

Why is Blair suddenly OK with Serena not fake dating, Dan, you ask?  (Because that whole Serena fake dating Dan thing was a stupid idea to begin with).  Because she and Louis-bot are in a “good place.”  And why are they in a “good place.”  Because Louis-bot apparently wrote Blair some REALLY good vows.

 

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Oh, I’m sorry . . . did I say Louis-bot wrote some really great vows? I meant DAN wrote them . . .

(It’s important to note that Louis-bot chose to insert his little thank you note in a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger,” a book about a guy who lacks emotion and a personality, so he kills someone, more or less, in an effort to FEEL something. Hmmm . . . no emotions . . . no personality . .. Sound like anyone we know?)

Next week’s 100th episode of Gossip Girl, entitled GG promises a wedding . . . maybe . . .

. . . a Chuck Bass intervention . . .

. . . and, of course, the return of the deliciously evil, Georgina Sparks . . .

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You can check out the promo for the episode here:

Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushnner.com][FangirlsForever]

For those who wear their hearts on their sleeves (or, perhaps, someone else’s heart?) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Ties that Bind”

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De-hearted Hybrid . . . the gift that keeps on giving . . .

Greetings, Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of TVD was all about family reunions, and heart-to-hearts . . .

Everytime a hybrid loses its heart, an angel gets its wings . . . 

Also, this week, 95% of TVD characters endured at least one ass-kicking . . .

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(And some characters endured multiple ass-kickings . . .)

So, load up on buckshot, tighten those chains, and, for heaven sake, keep your coffins hidden, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always special thanks to the awesomeness that is my good pal Andre, and his mad screencapping abilities . . .)

I Dream of Meanie . . .

Bonnie’s reaction, when she learned that her future love interest on the show is sort of / kind of her brother . .  . 

Ever notice how the only time most of the characters on TVD ”sleep” is when they are passed out unconscious, or dying?  Not Bonnie, though.  She’s a regular Rip Van Witchy.  For the second week in a row, the episode begins with one of Bonnie’s ”spirit dreams.”  Once again, our resident Nose Bleeder is all dressed up, with no where to go, but to a Dead Person Party . . .

“Well, this is morbid!  Why can’t I just have Dirty Damon Sex Dreams, like everybody else?”

Dream Bonnie finds herself near the graveside plots reserved for various members of her family.  In the midst of all this is a Mahogany Coffin, which, I suspect is supposed to represent Klaus’ Mysterious Fourth Coffin, only this one looks way more expensive than that one.  So, Bonnie does what any rational human being would do, when she sees a fancy coffin in her dreams.  She fondles it . . .

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“My precioussssss.”

But Bonnie’s not alone at her Dead Person Party.  Another guest has arrived . . .

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The fact that Klaus is in this dream makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.  After all, nobody loves Dead Family Members and Fancy Coffins, more than Klaus!

So, Klaus, being the gentleman that he is, makes some small talk with the Bonster, before . . . you know . . . eating her . . .

*Nom-nom, nom-nom, crunch, crunch, mmmmm . . .*

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Bonnie wakes up moments later INSIDE THE COFFIN.  Oddly enough, her neck is still attached to her head, despite Klaus having clearly lobbed it off, while making her his meal . .  . or, as I like to call it . . . foreplay.  One thing I have to say for Bonnie:  She has smarter dreams than I do.  Here’s how I know.  Dream Bonnie remembered to bring her cell phone to the Dead Person Party.  I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had, where the whole time, all I seemed to do was search for my cell phone, and wonder why I didn’t have it with me.  Super annoying!

Speaking of annoying, rather than actually using her cell phone to CALL SOMEONE, Bonnie decides to bang hysterically on the roof of the coffin, screaming, “I’M IN HERE.”  You know, just in case someone happens to drop by the cemetery for some R&R, at that very moment.  Someone like . . . her . . .

“Oh, hi there.  I was wondering if I could borrow your cell phone, since I left mine at home.  Thanks!”

*slams coffin shut again, and walks away* 

The minute Bonnie wakes up, she rushes to tell her Bestie Elena all about her dream, and that whole Hidden Coffin Thing.  This was actually pretty nice of Bonnie.  Because, typically, it takes the Scooby Gang about four episodes, to let Elena in on anything.  And, when she finds out, she usually ends up yelling at Damon . . .  So, really, when you think about it, Bonnie did Damon a solid, here . . .

“And then Klaus was like, ‘Can you open it?’ And I was like ‘Duh! No!’  And he was like ‘RRRRR-munch, munch.’ And I was like ‘Ahhhhhhh!’  And then, later, I was like, ’Hi Mom!’ 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Somehow, from this ridiculous dream, Bonnie determines that her absentee mom, who she hasn’t seen in about 15 or so years, is the key to opening the fourth coffin.  To prove it, she decides to show Elena and a very pissed off Stefan a baby picture of herself, with some seriously poofy hair, and an oddly-placed bald spot . . .

Don’t you think it would have been nice, if they found a baby for this picture who actually looked remotely like Katerina Graham? 

The Return of the Eye Thing . . .

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Later that day, Bonnie and Elena are combing through photographs of people named “Abby Bennett,” in hopes of finding one that looks like she might be related to Bonnie.  During the search, we are treated to a couple examples of real people who are “not Bonnie’s mom.”  And I must say, I felt particularly bad for THIS PERSON, who Bonnie classified as being ”too old” . . .

First of all, girlfriend looks about 22.  Second of all, that’s REALLY HARSH!  Can you imagine this model being super excited about landing a ”role” on The Vampire Diaries, and telling all her friends to watch, only to find out that she’s “too old?”

Fortunately, Damon magically appears to put a stop to this madness . . .

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With a little compulsion, and a lot of luck, Damon is quickly able to locate the home address of the “real Abby Bennett.”  And, understandably, he feels his super-sleuthing has earned him the right to enjoy a little road tripping time with new kissing buddy, Elena.  When denied the option of riding shotgun, Damon the chivalrous, graciously offers to ride in the back seat with Elena.  This, of course, got me to thinking about a Delena fanfiction I wrote once, where Damon and Elena had hot amorous sex in the backseat of a car, while Tyler and Caroline sat in front, uncomfortably pretending not to notice all the moaning sounds emanating from behind them . . .

“Hey Tyler, what do you say we roll down the back windows on this baby, and head for the local car wash?”

But I digress . . . a super pouty Elena tells Damon he can’t come on the road trip, because she thinks he will be mean to Bonnie, during her Epic Mother Child Reunion.  In Elena’s defense, she’s probably right.  Then again, how can you really say no to a face like this?

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This adorable Delena exchange (which, unfortunately, was the only one we got for the ENTIRE hour) reminded me of another instance, in which Elena lectured Damon, and Damon responded by . . . well . . . doing THIS . . .

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Not at all surprisingly, you could cut the Delena sexual tension in the room with a butter knife.  And it doesn’t go unnoticed by Bonnie, who immediately asks, “What’s going on between you too?”

Of course, you can count on Damon to spill the beans on the soon-to-be-couple’s epic necking session.

By doing this, Damon ensures that, even though he can’t go on the road trip with Bonnie and Elena, he is at least guaranteed to be a major topic of discussion thereon.   Well played, Pimp Salvatore . . .

Love Means Never Having to Say “I bit you.”

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Redemption, thy name is Shirtless Tyler Lockwood!  Those of us Forwood fans who became concerned last week, that the siring of Tyler would lead to a complete, and utter, assassination of his character (both metaphorically, and, possibly even literally) breathed a sigh of relief this week, when Hybrid #2 manned up in a really big way.  After accidentally giving his girlfriend the Love Bite to End All Love Bites, Tyler doesn’t hide in his room all day, binging on carbs, and watching YouTube videos.  (Though, that’s probably what I would do, if I were him.)  Instead, he shows up on Caroline’s doorstep, first thing in the morning with an apology, a special guest star, and, most importantly, a PLAN . . .

So, remember Caroline’s Big Gay Dad . . . a.k.a. the Asshat, who tried to De-Vamp Caroline, by locking her in a dungeon, and drying her out, in a sick version of Daddy / Daughter Time?

Someone’s not getting a Father’s Day gift . . . 

Well, apparently, just like Tyler, he knows a thing or too about guilt, and being the subject of Vampire Barbie’s disappointment and wrath.  He also knows how to fend off compulsion with his mind, a party trick that could come in super handy, if you are someone who is . . . oh, I don’t know . . . Gay for Klaus . . .

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“Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the e-card that said, ‘Sorry, I almost gave you were rabies.’  So, I decided to do the next best thing.”

Caroline’s dad always seems to get just a bit too much glee out of torturing supernatural high schoolers.  That said, his notion that Tyler can break his sire bond, by owning his painful werewolf transformations, thereby staving off the gratitude he feels toward Klaus for allowing him not to experience that pain, is an intriguing one.  Of course, it assumes that the sire bond exists only in Tyler’s conscience, and has absolutely nothing to do with magic or compulsion .  . . an assumption with which I’m inclined to disagree.

 ”Let’s make out.”

“Yes, Master.”

Nonetheless, I love the idea of Tyler trying to regain his own independence, by embracing his werewolf side, a side of himself which, to a large extent, was what first connected him to Caroline, in the first place . . .

Since we already know how LONNNNG and painful, werewolf transformation can be, especially for a relative “newbie werewolf” like Tyler, I for one was grateful to get the Cliff Notes version, this time . . .

I suspect Caroline was grateful, as well.  Because, whatever has happened between these two of late, I think she still loves him.  Given that, it must be unbelievably hard for her to see him in so much pain . . . especially, since she knows he’s enduring it, to a large extent, for her.  There’s also that whole, “werewolf bite kills a vampire” thing.

So, when Tyler kindly growls for Caroline to “beat it,” so he can turn into a monster in peace, he doesn’t have to ask twice.  She’s out faster than a tubby girl in dodgeball.  Big Gay Dad on the otherhand, clearly has a death wish, and sticks around.  Someone should have told this guy, that you don’t shake sticks at angry dogs.  And you DEFINITELY don’t go after angry werewolves with an axe . . .

“Kiddies .  . . do not try this at home.” 

“Is this guy for real?’ 

Next thing you know, Tyler is giving a BIGGGGG love bite to another member of the Forbes family.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh Tyler, honey, eating your girlfriend’s father is REALLY not the best way to salvage your relationship . . .”

“Hey . . . he started it.”

Crazy Nanny Carrie Takes on Team Badass

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I think Alaric’s finally found a girlfriend, who’s as big of an alcoholic as he is!

“Bottoms up, bottoms up . . . let me fill your cup.  Got a couple bottles, but a couple ain’t enough . . .” 

We find him, at the beginning of this episode, once again day drinking at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who, of course, classifies herself as an “Angry Drunk,” before heading out for another day of “saving lives” (or taking them?).  Damon arrives on the scene, looking more than a bit jealous that his bromantic buddy has been drinking with someone who isn’t him . . .

Damon also watches a lot of TV.  So, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he caught Crazy Nanny Carrie drugging Mayor Dan, and trying to bury him alive on One Tree Hill . . .

Given all that, coupled with the recent untimely demise of a certain Medical Examiner Ex Boyfriend of the Crazy Nanny’s . . .

. . .  you certainly can’t blame Damon for being a wee bit suspicious of the woman who’s planning to eat his boyfriend’s Chunky Monkey  . . .

And so, one half of Team Badass heads straight to hospital to pay the good doctor a visit, armed with an admittedly rather lame excuse for his presence there . . .

 

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A newborn’s response to being waved at by Damon Salvatore . . . 

Having disposed of the pleasantries, Damon quickly launches into some not-so-thinly veiled accusations that Crazy Nanny Carrie murdered her preppy sweater vest wearing ex-beau.  At first, Crazy Nanny takes these insults in stride.  It’s nothing she hasn’t heard before.  But then, she VERVAINS DAMON, and JACKS HIS BLOOD, WHILE HE SLEEPS, which is so NOT the way to treat your boyfriend’s best friend .  . .

That said, it did give us the opportunity to watch Damon sleep, which was awesome.  I’m not going to lie . . .

Sadly, Damon’s shirt was kept on, throughout the entire ordeal . . . But surely, you wouldn’t blame me for taking a little creative license with this moment.  Would you?

A little while later, Damon  visits Alaric (who is looking particularly sweaty and sexy in his grey tank top) for a friendly round of “I told you so.”

 ”You better buff up, if you want to date this one,” Damon warns.  “Diagnosis: Psycho case.”

To be honest, I missed a lot of this scene.  I was way to focused on the magically reappearing, disappearing sweat on Alaric’s shirt . . .

Now you see it . . .

Now you don’t . . .

See it . . .

Don’t . . .

“Dude, I think that immortality ring of yours is giving you a glandular issue . . .” 

Eventually, Alaric confronts Crazy Nanny Carrie, and she reveals to him her Deep Dark Secret . . . she uses vampire blood to cure her patients.  She also has a collection of decapitated heads in her bathtub.  (We even see Crazy Nanny using Damon’s blood to save Big Gay Dad, so that he might live to torture Poor Tyler another day.  Hooray!)

“Turn into a werewolf without pain?  Easy for him to say .  . . At least, he gets to drift into convenient unconsciousness, when I break HIS bones.” 

Alaric might be a history teacher.  But he clearly hasn’t learned the number one lesson of all history courses:  history has a way of repeating itself.  A few years back, Alaric dated a psycho named Isobel, to whom he told all his Deepest Darkest Secrets.  She ended up dumping his ass, and then returning to town, only to use those secrets to get him POSSESSED BY AN EVIL VAMPIRE.  And yet, Mr. Disappearing / Reappearing Sweat Stain saw absolutely nothing wrong with revealing to Crazy Nanny Carrie, a woman he barely knows, the fact that (1) he’s a vampire hunter with a MAD weapons stash, and (2) he owns an immortality ring . . .

Crazy Nanny Carrie wastes no time trying to pry the damn thing off his finger, while they make out (probably so that she can morph into Medusa and turn him into stone, or something).  Fortunately, Elena barges in, and, in doing so, probably saves Alaric’s life.  But even that’s a lesson Alaric hasn’t seemed to have learned yet.  Hey Alchy-ric!  News flash: When you live with teenagers, and you want to hook up with your girlfriend, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR, FIRST!

“Whoopsies!” 

“Geez, Alaric!  At least put a sock on the doorknob, or something!”

“Baby, I’m Howling for You . . .”

I absolutely love that Klaus is a fan of The Black Keys.  I also happen to think that “Howling for You” is a perfect theme song for the character.  I would have liked it even more if he started to dance to it . . .

 At some point, in the middle of the song, Stefan pops by for a little Ripper Reunion . . .

They talk business.   They talk coffins.  Neither one is willing to budge an inch on his position.  Then Klaus makes an offhand comment about how he doesn’t think the whole “Crazy Stefan” thing, is really working for him.  “How’s that working out for you?  Do you have any friends left?”  He asks, slyly.

Ouch, Klaus!  Of course, this searing analysis would probably mean a lot more coming from a guy who didn’t kill both his parents, and stake all his siblings . . .

That said, no one can say now that Klaus doesn’t have a lot of friends.  He’s made a ton of them recently . . . I mean, literally “made them.”  In fact, he calls one of these so-called friends, shortly after Stefan leaves.  He then instructs the hybrid to pay a little visit to a certain Bennett household where, Elena and Bonnie may or may not be headed, as they speak . . .

“Dammit, Klaus.  Why did you have to call me?  Every hybrid on this show that gets a speaking part, always ends up without a head or a heart . .  .” 

In which Bonnie joins Team Damon, and my respect for her increases ten-fold . . .

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You know, Bonnie and I have never been particularly close.  And I think part of the reason for that was that she always seemed particularly anti-Delena.  And, as you might have guessed, I’m a bit of a fanatic about that Ship . . .

Then came this week’s road trip, in which Bonnie craftily got Elena to admit that Damon was a good kisser, and, in that beautiful moment, all the things that made me HATE Bonnie’s character, in the past  (the fire starting,  the ugly nose-bleeding, the judginess, and the migraine-making) was forgiven . . . at least, until she starts pulling that sh*t again . . .

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This Damon-centric conversation is cock blocked by a phone call from Stefan, who Elena tells Bonnie to ignore, before eventually taking the phone herself (which is the responsible thing to do, considering Bonnie is DRIVING, and shouldn’t be on her cell phone, in the first place, Stefan).  Elena ends up lying to Stefan, telling him that the two are going to the lakehouse, instead of to Bonnie’s mom’s house.  Stefan, of course, sees right through the lie, and vows to do something about it . . . a decison that, under the circumstances, he might end up regretting . . .

Family Reunion gone Baaaaaaaaaad.

“Bonnie!  I’d like you to meet your mom, and your new boyfriend / brother.  They will both be trying to kill you today . . .” 

Since we saw Soon-to-Be-Heartless-Hybrid pay a visit to the Bennett house, just moments earlier, us viewers are all pretty sure this mother/child reunion is going to end badly.  We just aren’t sure how.

 When Bonnie and Elena first arrive at the house, they meet THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who seems to have no qualms about inviting the two strange females into the house (one of whom claims to be the owner of the house’s daughter), and offering them food and drink, as if he owns the place.  When Bonnie asks ”Jamie” (that’s his name, by the way) if the two of them are related, and he says “no,” my first thought is that Abby Bennett is a cougar, and this is her boyfriend.  Part of me is actually disappointed that this didn’t end up being the case . . .

“So, basically, my bio mom was a sociopathic vampire, and yours is a total slut.  Awesome!” 

“Jamie” explains that his dad dated Bonnie’s mom, but ended up being a total douchebag deadbeat.  So, Mama Bennett ended up raising him as the child she never had.  Of course, she did have a child . . . Bonnie.  So, we certainly can’t blame our little witch for being a bit resentful, under the circumstances.

“Don’t make me light a fire up your ass, JAAAAIMMMEE.” 

Another thing, I couldn’t help but notice is that, though they are not technically related, in some ways, Jamie IS kind of like Bonnie’s brother.  And, to me, this makes things kind of icky, especially if the writers are planning on pairing the two together romantically, as rumors seem to suggest that they are . . .  But hey, it worked in Clueless, right?

Shortly thereafter, Bonnie’s bio mom returns to the house.  Elena quickly leaves, so that the two can “iron out their issues” in piece . . .

“So, mom . . . you used to be a witch, right.  How did you cope with all the nose bleeds?  Sometimes, I bleed so much, I feel like my nostrils are going to fall off my face . . .”

I have to say, I was neither impressed, nor did I entirely buy, Abby Bennett’s story as to why she ditched Bon-Bon as a kid.   So, let me get this straight, she “lost her powers” fifteen years ago, while luring Original Mikael into a coffin, and then decided to leave town without her kid or husband, so she didn’t have to be a witch anymore?

Well, without her powers wasn’t she ”not a witch anymore,” anyway?  And, if she was planning to leave town, why didn’t she think to take her three-year old, and the rest of her family with her?  Wouldn’t that have made more sense?

Also, this “kind-hearted” woman . . . who was willing to literally give up everything to save her best friend’s kid (Mikael was supposedly in town looking for Elena) . . .  and went on to raise someone else’s kid as her own . . . never even thought to check on whether her OWN MOTHER, who she put in charge of raising HER KID, was alive or dead?

I don’t know.  Something about this story stinks . . . and it isn’t just the nosebleeds that are making it so . . .

Outside in the barn, or whereever it is that Elena ends up, she runs into Stefan, who’s none too happy with her for lying to him about her plans.

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Unfortunately, for him, he doesn’t get too much time to “express his feelings,” because THIS happens . . .

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That had to hurt . . .

Yeah, apparently, hybrid compulsion beats Stefan compulsion.  Who knew?  When Jamie comes to intervene on Stefan’s and Elena’s arguing, Stefan horrifies Elena, by strangling the poor kid, and compelling him to leave.  But it’s Jamie who has the last laugh, when he turns right back around, and pumps Stefan’s stomach full of buckshot.  He also ties Elena to a post, with some rope.

(Chivalry is SO dead!)

Things aren’t going much better, inside.  When Bonnie hears the gunshot, Mama Abby muffles Bonnie’s face, until she falls unconscious, and drags her ass into a car.  Man, the parents on this show suck ass . . .

“Rockabye Bonnie, in the farmhouse.  When the wind blows, I’ll DRUG YOU, UNTIL YOU PASS OUT . .  .” 

Stefan gets a woody (multiple woodies, actually)

I guess all that time Elena has spent working out is finally starting to pay off . . .

Elena somehow manages to break free of the ropes confining her to the wooden post.  As Stefan writhes on the floor in pain, more or less, useless.  Elena gets Jamie to admit that he’s been compelled to (1) hurt Stefan; (2) keep Elena safe; and (3) KILL HIMSELF IF BONNIE DOESN’T REVEAL TO KLAUS’ HYBRID THE LOCATION OF THE COFFINS.  Then, feigning rope burn, Elena gets Jamie to come close enough to her that she can knock him unconscious, with a spare piece of wood.

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Once that’s over and done with she kneels down to tend to Stefan, who suggest that Elena hand pick all the buckshot out of his body.  (FUN!)  Part of me was actually surprised that Stefan didn’t ask her to do it with her mouth, like THIS GUY did . . .

(If it had been Damon on the floor, he totally would have done this .  . .)

It makes sense that Elena’s acts of bravery and kindness would prompt Nice Stefan to make a rare cameo appearance.  First, he compliments Elena on how much tougher she’s become, since he temporarily ditched her ass, and went Rogue Ripper . . .

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Yes, Stefan.  Being dumped tends to make people Stronger and Tougher, even Kelly Clarkson said so.  What’s interesting about what Stefan says here is that it kind of reminds me of what Katherine said to him, when the pair were first reunited in “The Return.”

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“You’re stronger . . . meaner . . . sexy.” 

Stefan also gets major points for admitting that he went just a smidge too far, with the whole ”threatening to drown you over the same bridge where both your parents died,” thing . . .  And perhaps, it’s this honestly, and increased intimacy, between the two that prompts Elena to make this AWESOME confession . . .

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That’s right, Delena fans.  Elena Gilbert is not one to mince words.  And when she says she fell in love with “vampires” plural .  . . and then later admits to KISSING SOMEONE without guilt, as opposed to BEING KISSED, she means it, most definitely.  And whether or not I think this was the opportune moment to share this information with Stefan, I love that Elena is so willing to own up to her romantic feelings for Damon, not just to Stefan . . . but also to herself . . .

And really, can Stefan honestly blame her for falling for his brother, when Damon Salvatore is so friggin hot and charming, it’s almost painful to be in his presence, without ripping your clothing off he practically rolled the red carpet for the two of them to couple?

That said, even the staunchest of Delena shippers can’t help but feel the tiniest bit bad for Stefan, when – after weeks of showing virtually no emotion whatsoever, aside from sheer, unadulterated RAGE — the younger Salvatore brother suddenly looks as though he’s going to burst into tears at the prospect of his lover moving on, without him . . .

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Welcome back, Stefan’s Humanity!  Long time, no see . . .

Once Stefan has come down a bit, from the shock of hearing that Elena kissed Damon (He should watch it on YouTube.  He’ll really be miserable then!), Elena confronts him again.

“Hey Steffy . . . I just wanted to stop by and torture you some more with details about my new love life.  Here’s a detailed description of how Damon’s tongue felt as it probed my mouth and nether regions.  If you’d like, I could even show you pictures. . .” 

At this point, Stefan says something interesting: “You’re better than him.  You’re better than both of us,” he says sadly, before getting back into his car, and driving away.

We heard this same sentiment echoed by Damon, when he first told Elena he loved her (and compelled her to forget it) back in “Rose.”  To me, it shows just how psychically linked these two brothers are.  How sad that neither man believes himself worthy of the woman he loves the most.

Well, hey, if Elena ends up being “too good” for both Damon and Stefan, I’d be happy to take one of them off her hands for her .  . .

Elsewhere, Bonnie’s mom (who wasn’t compelled, but was acting against her real daughter to save her not-son?) keeps Jamie from offing himself, by getting Bonnie to come clean to Klaus’ hybrid about the location of the coffins.  But before she does that, she secretly gives Bonnie the OK to tell her friends what’s happening, so that they might have time to do something about it.  Their story ends on a relatively nice note, with Bonnie’s mom offering to try and get her power back (assuming she genuinely lost it, in the first place), so that she can help Bonnie open the Infamous Fourth Coffin.

I still don’t trust the witch, though . . .

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. . . sorry . . .

Klaus = 1, Dead Witches = 0

So, the good news for Klaus is that he found out from his hybrid where Damon and co. were hiding the coffins . . .

 . . . but the bad news is that the witches are hiding them from him, so he can’t actually see them  . . .

They are also pretending he’s old school Damon and beating the crap out of him WITH THEIR MINDS .  . .

So, he tells them, in no uncertain terms, that they better be nicer to him, or he will “Rip Damon from limb to limb” and “KILL EVERYONE THEY LOVE.”

Time to get some new tagline, Klaus.  These threats are getting old . . .

Lack of originality aside, the witches roll over and play dead decide to show Klaus the coffins . . .

The only problem, of course (for Klaus, that is), is that Damon has re-hidden the ALL IMPORTANT FOURTH COFFIN . . .

So, suck on that Klausipoo!

Klaus = 0, Damon = 2, Elijah = 310 . . . .

When Stefan arrives back home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, after a long, eventful day of being shot at, and having his – now apparently working again – heart stomped on, he decides to offer his favorite brother a little ”keepsake” from his journey . . .

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It’s a BLACK EYE!  HOORAY! 

Poor Damon . . . vervained, de-blooded,  beaten-up . . . he ALMOST wins the award for most abused cast member, this week .  . . almost . . .  But it appears, Damon might have taken a little keepsake of his own . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Klaus House, a mildly-pleased-with-himself Klaus, is going over his Malelovent Plans for World Domination with his Hybrid Pal of the week, when THIS happens . . .

Sorry Random Hybrid!  It looks like you just won yourself one of these . . .

But hey, look on the bright side.  I’m sure this episode earned you your SAG card!

Anywhoo . . .

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(He wants to know what he missed.  Do you think I should e-mail him my recaps? )

That’s right boys and girls, Damon the Awesome de-staked Elijah, before returning his coffin to Klaus.

And now, boyfriend is going to have some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .

You can try to run, Klaus . . .

 . . . but you CAN’T HIDE!

And that was “The Ties that Bind,” in a nutshell.  Unfortunately, The Vampire Diaries is taking a short hiatus, next week.

But if the promos for episode 13 are any indication, it will definitely be worth the wait . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Lucas Gottesman Sleeps with the Fishes” (well . . . “Fish” . . . to be grammatically correct) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “Let the Water Hold Me Down”

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Hey, check it out.  Lucas actually has some decent abs, under those too-tight pants, and Hanes Beefy Tees . . . Who knew?

Oh Lucas . . . dear, sweet, dorky, Lucas.  I have a little life advice for you.  The next time you find yourself wrapped up in an illegal online gambling scheme that you don’t want your friends to know about, try not acting like a psycho serial killer, mmmm-kay?

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist that surprised positively NO ONE, Lucas revealed himself to be (1) alive, and (2) an addicted gambler.  What was surprising (for me, anyway) was that Lucas didn’t actually act totally bizarre and freak out Hanna, because he was working for A, and felt guilty about it.  He freaked her out, and acted totally bizarre, because he just so happens to be a freaky kind of guy, sometimes . . .

Of course, Lucas wasn’t the only one shown to be hiding skeletons in his closet this week (or, should I say, worms in his Chinese food).   Quite a few other characters on the show were “outed” this week, for various secrets they’ve been keeping.  Also, this week, after a way too long hiatus, A’s snarky text messages are back, Baby!  Hooray!

So, chug down some lake water, and slip into your favorite cashmere sweater set, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

For that Deep Down Body Thirst . . .

When the episode begins, a very soggy Hanna is sitting by the fire, all comfy cozy . . . or . . . at least, she would be comfy, cozy, if she wasn’t terribly frightened about having possibly murdered Rosewood’s Most Adorkable Nerd, in self defense.

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(Just hope there aren’t any mathletes on the jury, Hanna . . .).  Hanna’s pals try to comfort her, by telling her that the police are dredging the lake for bodies, as they speak.  Riiight . . . because that’s what all possible murder suspects like to hear, after a long hard night of beating their homicidal-seeming friend with an oar, until he almost drowns . . .

Aria remarks that she doesn’t consider Lucas a violent guy.  This prompts Hanna to remind her that she’s been so busy sucking face with Fitzy, that she missed the PLL episode where Lucas beat the crap out of Ali’s Ugly Ass Fountain Memorial.  (Remember that, my Pretties?)

Also, apparently, Lucas knows how to swim . . . which is weird, considering he’s allergic to chlorine.

Where did he learn to doggie paddle? In his bathtub?

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Thinking about Lucas’ “fishy” behavior makes Hanna thirsty.  Fortunately, someone has put a thermos of liquor in her pocketbook.   Wait, did I say liquor?  I meant LAKE WATER  . . .

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That’s right.  “A” strikes against poor Hanna with a vengeance, and, of course, a snarky text message to match: “No fun chugging lake water is it?  Choke on this, b*tch!”

Oooh!  Now, that’s what I call a burn, which is probably what Hanna’s going to feel in her stomach, when that lake water comes back up for another cameo appearance.

In other Creepy A news, she’s apparently been stocking up on prepaid cell phones, and hiding them in Spencer’s nana’s attic, while Caleb and Hanna were boning on Spencer’s nana’s couch.

This humps for you, Nana! 

Among the cell phones, creepy dolls, and used condom wrappers, Spencer finds something else in her nana’s attic: a receipt . . . from Smitty’s .  . . in Philly.

I smell a Road Trip!

Still “Holden” onto Fitzy . . .

They say the best way to get over an ex, is to get under someone else.  And that’s probably true, unless you’re Aria.  If you’re Aria, the best way to get over an ex, is to get under that ex again, while telling your parents your under that nerdy childhood friend they seem to like so much.  And this is how Aria comes to accept a date request from that curly-haired muppet Holden .  . .

I see the resemblance, don’t you?

It’s also how she comes to bring him to that exact same lame play she was supposed to attend with Professor Sweater Vest, before Papa Hypocrite and Mama moody got in the way . . .

“Oh No . . .el!”

Who cares that Hanna’s “romantic row” across the lake wound up morphing into the last scene of a bad Lifetime Movie.  Mona is upset, dammit!  She’s just been dumped by her Bushy Eyebrows Boyfriend . . . and less than twenty-four hours after she showed him her “lovely lady lumps,” no less.

Mona + Noel  = Mole?  This relationship was doomed from the start . . . WORST SHIP NAME EVER!

Now, that’s gotta really mess with a girl’s self esteem!  But like I said, Hanna’s got her own problems.  Not only might she have just turned Lucas into Rosewood’s own version of Swamp Thing, she’s also about to LOSE HER Homecoming Crown, because she’s a SUSPECTED Ali Killer . . . Oh the horror!

(I don’t know . . . if I were Hanna, I’d be more concerned about the fact that there was once a MASSIVE CLOSEUP SHOT OF MY FACE in the display case at school.   I mean, that thing was just asking to have a mustache, and black teeth drawn on it.)

Hey, remember Sappy Sean?  Nobody else does . . . 

But, like I said, this isn’t about Hanna!  It’s about Dumped Mona!  And she’s mad that Hanna isn’t down with joining her for a Bushy Eyebrow Boyfriend Bonfire.  What an unsupportive biatch!  (Hey Mona, remember when Caleb left you a letter for Hanna, saying that he loved her, and you poured soda on it, and threw it in the garbage?  I bet Hanna does!)

BUSTED! 

Hypocrisy aside, Mona blows a raspberry in Hanna’s face, and storms off to watch three hours of The Notebook, nonstop, while she cries into an entire tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Feel free to eat your feelings, Mona . . .

Meanwhile, Hanna heads to the ladies room, for her own Cry Fest . . .

In Which Hanna’s Tears Flood the Entire Girl’s Bathroom . . .

What high school girl hasn’t rushed into a stinky bathroom stall for a snot-filled Ugly Cry?  In the next scene, we see Hanna doing exactly that.  But here’s the weird thing, it seems the ENTIRE BATHROOM IS CRYING FOR HANNA.  I mean literally, the whole place fills up with water, that pools at her feet.  (Hey, wasn’t that a scene from Alice in Wonderland . . . the Disney version?)  Undoubtedly, Hanna is wondering which non-Homecoming Queen had the nerve to stop up a toilet, while her highness was sobbing.

However, when she emerges from the bathroom, she learns that the culprit wasn’t an excessive toilet paper user at all!  Instead, it was a really small oarsman, in a teeny tiny boat . . .

(How adorable!)

Buzzzzzz . . . it’s been nearly five minutes since our last message from “A”.  You know what that means . . .

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Kiss the girl . . . unless she knocks you in the back of the head with a phallic-looking wooden object . . .

I don’t know “A” the boat was cute and all.  But I, personally, would have gone with a rubber duckie.  Their squeakier.

In Which Maya pretends to need a fake ID . . .

Emily gets a weird phone call, from a blocked cell phone number.  But she doesn’t screen it, because, apparently, she’s a moron.  The person on the other end of the line is a mixture of seductive and creepy.  Is it “A”?

That depends . . . do you think Maya is “A?” I do!  I do!  Because that’s who ends up being on the other end of the line.  She wants Emily to get her a fake ID, so that she can pretend she’s not 40 so that the two can go clubbing . . . or something.  Emily decides to offer her new/old girlfriend Aria’s fake ID, because, apparently, the two are going to a bar for the blind.

TWINSIES!

Then, Maya gets a mysterious call, and has to get off the phone ASAP.  We know it’s “mysterious,” because Maya makes the Spencer Face, when she gets it.

Golly gee, I wonder who it could be?

No Sex on Spencer’s Nana’s Couch , Tonight!

The Honeymoon’s over for Haleb, and it’s all Lucas’ fault.  Damn, that Lucas and his shady, possibly dead, ways!  How dare he come between this sexy super couple.  Now, how’s baby Haleb supposed to be conceived on Spencer’s Nana’s couch?

Here’s what the fight is about.  Caleb wants to go find Lucas, and Hanna would prefer he rot at the bottom of the lake.  Well, not really.  But based on how she’s acting, you certainly can’t blame Caleb for thinking that.  He’s also pissed at Hanna for not being “honest” with him . . . (says the guy who was hired by Blind Jenna to stalk her, and who, up until recently, made a living hacking and stealing people’s cell phones).  But hey, nobody is perfect, right?

Don’t answer that . . . 

Anywhoo .  . . Caleb’s going to go back to Spencer’s lake house, and check nana’s couch with a blacklight for any sign of sperm that’s not his own.  He’s such a super sleuth, that Caleb.   Then again, knowing Caleb, he could probably save himself a lot of trouble, and car mileage, by simply hacking Lucas’ phone . . . or maybe even checking his computer for “strange” web activity?

Most guys just stick with porn . . . 

I See Blind People . . .

Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are chilling in Philly, right outside Smitty’s, which ends up being nothing more than a lame magazine stand.  Talk about a wasted trip!  But, here’s the kicker .  . . well, there are two kickers actually.  (1) Smitty’s is right by Psycho B*tch Melissa’s apartment.  As for the second kicker, we won’t find out what it is, until Aria conveniently exits, stage left.

Mere minutes later, Spencer finds herself surrounded by . . . wait for it . . . BLIND PEOPLE . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF BLIND PEOPLE . . . AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO.  This, understandably frightens Spencer, who’s only experience with blind people has been through the frightening, flute playing, brother f*&king one one, who may, or may not have gotten Spencer ARRESTED for a murder she didn’t commit.

“I also ate my seeing eye dog . . . ”

 Given that, can you blame Spencer for being a little Blindist?

Nevertheless, Spencer follows the Blind People Parade to a Building for Blind People.  (An Existential, But Possibly Offensive, Riddle:  If there is a building that no one ever sees, does it really exist?)

Spencer talks to the Building for Blind People’s receptionist, in an attempt to get information about Blind Jenna.  Unfortunately, Building for Blind People’s receptionist is just too tough of a nut to crack.

But lest Spencer be forced to make her Face again, Someone magically appears to help her in her hour of need.  Question: Who could it be?  Answer: THIS GUY . . .

Apparently, one of the perks of enrolling in the Building for the Blind is a free curling iron . . .

OMG!  It’s that guy from Glee . . . you know, the one Blaine was in love with for one episode.  Apparently, being serenaded by the Warblers, made the poor guy go blind!  Oh, the humanity!

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Blind Jeremiah (or whatever his name was supposed to be in this show) just looooooooved Blind Jenna, because she was so kind and supportive, or whatever.  She also seemed really determined to graduate from Blind Building, so she could do stuff .  . . you know, like torturing fellow high schoolers, and screwing  siblings and police boys.  Blind Jeremiah also cryptically notes that Blind Jenna is totes awesome at “reading people” and feeling up their arms, to determine if their pulse is racing.  How’s that for foreplay?  Something tells me if Spencer wasn’t madly in love with Abs Toby, she’d be all over this blind hand-fondling hunk of man meat .  . .

But alas, this is a “working vacation.”  And Spencer has evidence to steal .  . .

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist of convenient ridiculousness that only can exist on this show, Spencer notices that Blind Building keeps books containing the signatures of ALL THE PEOPLE WHO EVER VISITED THERE right behind the desk . . . for fond memories, I guess (which would make a lot more sense, if people signed in using braille).  I love that Spencer immediately thought to look up the sign out book for OVER A YEAR AGO, and it just happened to be RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING.  (Talk about a waste of precious trees, and space!  Who the hell else would be interested in a bunch of names and times from a year ago, aside from Spencer?)

All sense of logic aside, when Spencer flips through the book, she learns that Police Boy Garrett signed Jenna out of Blind Building on the night of Ali’s murder AND NEVER SIGNED HER BACK IN . . .

Silly Garrett, you signed your lover out of her blind house to commit a murder, and USED YOUR REAL NAME?  Did your parents drop you on the head one too many times as a baby?

DOH! 

Speaking of people who might be brain damaged . . .

Mona Goes Shopping . . .

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In a scene that’s so useless, it’s only purpose seems to be to make Mona look like she might be “A,” Spencer runs into the recently dumped chickee, right outside the subway station, on the way back from her trip to Blindland . . . er . . . I mean Philly.  Apparently, Mona’s been trying out a little retail therapy, of the Ugly Sweater Set variety.  So, if she shows up for next week’s episode looking like this . . .

But hey, it could have been worse.  She could have bought THIS sweater . . .

The Case of the Mysterious Maya . . .

Maya is acting “weird.”  She keeps getting text messages, and making funny faces.  Emily worries that Maya might be getting stalked by “A.”  Why not?  Everybody else is!  Except, since I think Maya IS actually “A,” that can’t really be the case, can it?

Fortunately, unlike with the whole Lucas Fiasco, the writers don’t make us wait a week to find out.  As it turns out, Maya met someone at Druggie / De-gaying Camp.  They started to date, and things went sour.  (Boooriinng!) Oh, but that’s not all, Maya’s “date” was a HE!

“Whatchu talking about, Maya?” 

OK . . . so, I have a theory about this.  Wanna hear it?  (Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.)

Maya’s stalker ex boyfriend is . . . wait for it . . . Bushy Eyebrows NOEL!

It makes sense, doesn’t it?  Especially considering how Noel’s dumping of Mona coincided almost exactly with Maya’s “mysterious text message” receipts AND how both characters were “absent” around the same time.

If this is true . . . Maya better watch out . . . because those slimy caterpillars over Noel’s eyeballs are not the type to  take no for an answer . . .

Because Arthur Miller Plays are Sexy .  . .

When most people see their ex, while their out on a date with somebody else, they do this . . .

But not Fitzy and Aria.  Nooo sir . . . these two star crossed lovers prefer to walk . . . toward . . . each . . . other . . . in  . . . slooooooo . . . . mooooo . . . while . . . verrrry . .  . cheesyyy . . . muuuussiiiic .  . . plays . . . in . . . the . . . background . . .

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Poor . . . poor, probably gay, anyway, Holden!  How exactly does one compete with millions of teeny tiny violins, and enough Fitzy tears to flood an entire theater filled with old people.  (Because, really, who else under the age of 55, goes to see Arthur Miller plays, unless they are doing it extra credit?)  Then again, if anyone knows a thing or two about “extra credit,” it’s Aria Montgomery . . .

Speaking of 55-year olds, Fitzy’s bad experiences with Wacky Jackie have caused him to completely swear off girls his age.  Case in point . . . his date to the theater . . .

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Then again, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy’s chosen to bring a chaperone along on his sort-of date with Aria . . .

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Aria is crushed, when Fitzy makes his big wet puppy eyes at her, but escapes the theater, without even so much as trying to cop a feel . . .

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But don’t worry Ezria fans, unlike Aria’s mom, and that random middle-aged lady, Possibly Gay Holden is totally cool with being used / playing a third wheel to Professor Romeo and Underage Juliet.   In fact, it kind of turns him on!

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  So, can Aria and Fitzy trust Holden to be their beard?

I think so.  Anyone who’s brings gummy bears on a first date can’t be too evil, right?

He’s Baaaaaack!

It’s a dark stormy night despite the fact that it wasn’t raining a moment ago, when Aria went on her date . . . or when Spencer went to Philly . . . or when Emily went out clubbing with Maya.  Hanna is sitting on her steps in the dark, feeling sorry for herself .  . . and possibly trying to save electricity?  Suddenly, the window opens . . . so she goes to close it.  (Sounds like a pretty sensible thing to do, right?)

But then, when she turns her back for a second, we see DIRTY FOOTSTEPS ON THE FLOOR.  And we all know those dirty footprints can only come from one person?

(Geez, Lucas!  You’d think you’d have learned by now to wipe your feet before commiting misdemeanors . . .)  Under the circumstances, you really can’t blame Hanna for thinking that Lucas is trying to kill her.  (She did, after all, sort of / kind of try to kill HIM.)

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Also, he’s not exactly looking like an upstanding citizen, right now . . .

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When Caleb arrives at the house to find Lucas looming seemingly threateningly over Hanna, not-Seth Cohen has some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .

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Get ready to feel incredibly guilty, Hanna.  Apparently, Lucas’ Big Water Confession was not that has was working for ”A”, but that he had spent all of Caleb’s phone hacking stash betting on basketball games.  (I don’t know . . . it sure sounded a lot worse than that, when he was calling the SUICIDE HOTLINE!)  So, where has Lucas been all this time, if not skulking around with “A” or sleeping with the fish, you ask?  It appears our nerdy high roller has been out trying to sell his comic stash for some quick cash to pay back his friend, Spongebob Squarepants . . .

Caleb takes the news surprisingly well.  But Lucas can’t help but notice how quiet Hanna has gotten, since he made his confession . . .

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Poor Lucas undoubtedly took the above statement as some kind of judgment from Hanna.  But just as Hanna did earlier, when she smacked Lucas upside the head in the middle of a lake, he might very well have misread the situation.   After all, Hanna, of all people, knows what it’s like to do Very Bad Things for money.  (Remember when “A” paid her to dance with Lucas, using the money her mom stole from that old lady?)

I actually think Hanna meant the line in an oddly positive way, as in “I’m glad you’re not A’s evil henchman, who beat  Emily with garden tools, because she showed him an empty box . . .

Poor Lucas!  If only he knew . . .

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

I Ordered my Worms without MSG!

Later that night, the girls order Chinese takeout, and find a special surprise in their lomaine . . .

Noel’s eyebrows!  How did you get in there? 

I guess they should have stuck with the fried rice . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Gloved Hand tinkers with Toby’s architecture stand thingy . . .

It looks like another Pretty Little Boyfriend is going to end up all wet . . . I hope this one isn’t allergic to chlorine . . .

As for next week’s PLL installment, be on the look-out for more A shenanigans, Pretty Little Boys in danger, and, of course, Spencer Face . . .

 You can check out the Canadian promo here:

And it’s American counterpart here:

Don’t cry, my Pretties!  PLL will be back before you know it!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirlsforever]

In which Blair found Religion, and I found Confusion – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The End of the Affair?”

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Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week.  Go back to Chuck, honey.  You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma.  A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding.  And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.

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Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .

I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . . 

Have you ever watched a television show  that made you feel like you’ve just been punked?  Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding!  That was the fake episode!  Now, you can watch the real one . . .”

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Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”

Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes.  . . 

“Let Him Live . . .”

My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot.  By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later.  (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)

DAN:  “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie?  I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm  .  . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . .  While you were Sleeping?  Aw crap!  Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”

I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast.  I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud.  Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers!  But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst!  I wanna see some tears!  I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud!  I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live!  I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!

 .  . . Emmy Hopeful.

But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .

So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told.  Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it.  I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode.  Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys.  They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened.  Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.

Then, it happens.  Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him.    The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear.  Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair.  But then he falls unconscious.  His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney.  Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed.  We all feel her pain.

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It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been .  . .

We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed.  Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party.  Serena is tentative and nervous.  She has bad but not particularly surprising news.  Blair lost the baby.

Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb.  Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat.  Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense.  After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair.  And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.

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And.  . . then the two pretty much never mention it again  . . .

“Huh?” 

Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby.  Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK  . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl.  But this is a HUGE deal!  I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.

On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child.  She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby.  She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck.  This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.

But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby.  For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else.  Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college.  She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted.  So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.

It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate.  Just sayin  . . .

But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news.  She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation?  “He’s lost a lot of blood.  It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.

Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)

Talk about guilt and sadness!  Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need.  It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation.  We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .

But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . . and by weird, I mean LAME.

Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really?  That’s the sacrifice she chose?  She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?).  Lo and behold!  At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.

HE’S ALIVVVVVVEEEEE!

And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper.  Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing.  But NOOOO!  Chuck had to take a nap!  So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”

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And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . .  . he doesn’t snore.  But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!

*groan*

When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder.  After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together?  So, what gives?  Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!

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Dan and Blair Sitting in a Tree, P-R-A-Y-I-N-G

We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love.  Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot.  I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet?  I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!

WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . . 

(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does.  But what if Louis-bot dies because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree?  What does that say about Blair’s little theory?  Will that be her fault, as well?)

Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off.  (Golly gee?  I wonder why?)  Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles.  Isn’t that sweet?  NO, DAMMIT!  Let the bastard rust!  He’s ruining the show!

At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan.  (Really?  Again?  Didn’t we do this storyline, already?)  There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out.  (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)

“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?” 

After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness .  . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode.  Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode  . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .

“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.” 

Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately.  Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair.  The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly.  But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”

Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .

The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen.  She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.

“Hey Chuck!  No peeking, before the wedding!  It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).” 

Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress.  Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you.  You alter yourself to fit Vera.”

Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently.  Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute.  She’s such a trooper, that Vera!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT! 

This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair.  (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books?  Weird . ..)   You know who else is skulking around?  Chuck.  He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face.  You know The Face I’m talking about . . .

Yep.  That’s the one . . .

Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!

Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.

As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!).  It’s actually .  . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH .  . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key.  Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun!  *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*

Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER.  But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.

(Will this madness never end?)

Convenient, right?  Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man.  Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .

There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .

Way to bury the lead, writers!  Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see:  Gossip Girl was FIRED!  Seriously!  They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!

Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  Harsh!  So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?

Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .

“O . . . M . . . G!”

That’s right boys and girls.  Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog.  (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself.  Thank you for noticing . . .)

Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen?  Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning.  Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .

Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone?  Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown.  All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.

But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?

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New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL!  (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.)  But Serena’s not so sure she should do that.  After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place.  Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?

(And besides,  she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)

So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask?  Not much.  Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together.  What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.

*insert robot laugh here* 

Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan.  So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing.  Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us.  “That was not a miracle.  That was modern medicine!”  Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond.  “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.

“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.” 

But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced.  And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret.  Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .

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Wait . . . what?  I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing?   Do they need a chaperone, or something?  Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of  steaming horse poopy?  Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!

“I am?  Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!” 

Oh, Serena, honey!  If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)

In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .

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. . .  while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party.  (Stupid Nate!  You are so dog-ist!)

Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all?  Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?

“Integrity RULES!  Let’s go get wasted . . .” 

Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .

Strange Bedfellows . . .

Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.”  So, Nate does a little investigating.  He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures.  All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .

Ruh-roh!

Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel?  It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!).  And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back.  Sounds like a good deal right?

(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom?  Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)

In other sort of gossip-related news . . .

Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?

It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points.  The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes.  Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled.  However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.

“Who the f*&k are you?” 

Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie.  But, here’s the kicker.  Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID.  So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl?  For shame!

“That Charlie .  . . what a loser!” 

But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene.  And we got one . . .

“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass.  Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life.  What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.

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It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM.  But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.

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You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point.  When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey.  And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.

But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair.  He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real.  And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.

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 And why would he, hen the chemistry between Chuck and Blair is just as scorching as ever, even during a moment as turbulent (and frustrating) as this one . . .

And yet, the clincher of this scene is when Blair repeats to Chuck those very same words we heard her say to him in the hospital . . . words that he is only now allowing himself to remember: “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

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You know that saying, “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s meant to be yours?”  DON’T FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, CHUCK!  You chase after that girl, and don’t stop until she’s back in your arms.  It’s what Jesus would do . . .  (Yeah, I went there.)

Speaking of which, you know how Blair explained away her odd behavior to Louis-bot at the end of the episode?  She claimed it was because she was converting to Catholicism?  Yeah . . . I have nothing to say about that . . . at all . . .

But hey, next week’s episode looks promising (at least according to our friends from Canada) . . .  Check it out . . .

As for the United States, their promo chooses to focus more on Blair getting wasted, and arrested.  (Silly Americans, and their boozy ways! )

Cheers!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

A Birthday and Five Funerals – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Our Town”

[Greetings, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars Fans!  I know I owe you all two recaps today.  Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather last night.  However, I hope to get both recaps out to you by early January 18th (all fingers crossed).  This means my Glee-cap should arrive by January 19th.  Sorry about the delay.  And thank you for being patient!]

BONNIE: “Make a wish, Caroline.”

CAROLINE: “I wish to get more action than Elena, this year.” 

 

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“Nice, Caroline!  I thought we were friends.  Do the words, ‘three seasons of virtual celibacy’ mean anything to you?” 

Greetings Fangbangers!  I’m going to admit that some very strange things happened to me during this episode . . . things I never thought would happen, ever . . .  Here they are,  in no particular order:

(1) Bonnie, as per usual, was judgmental toward Elena, about something she did last week. And I AGREED WITH BONNIE!

(2) Matt Donovan actually made me smile.  (This hasn’t happened, since he got high, back in “The Birthday.”  Perhaps, I only like Matt when he’s wasted .  . .)

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(3) Elena refused a second kiss from Damon, and I was totally OK with it.  (BECAUSE, NEXT TIME, SHE’S GOING TO KISS HIM, INSTEAD!)

(4) I found myself incredibly turned on by a (sort of) love scene between Caroline, and someone who wasn’t Tyler . . .

Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us .  . .

Also this week, I found myself, at various points during the episode, seriously questioning the respective motivations of Stefan, Klaus, and Tyler.

Are these men behaving out of self-interest,  genuine concern for their lady friends, or, in the case of Tyler, a slighty modified version of compulsion?  Also, would they all have been better off keeping their hands (and teeth) to themselves?

All in all, it was a very intriguing episode .  . . one I very much look forward to “biting into” with you, right now . . .

(By the way, special thanks to Andre, for providing me some seriously amazing screencaps for this episode.  I just wish we had a TVD tumblr, so that I can share them all with you.)

Channeling “Frustrations”

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“I will not imagine Damon naked.  I will not imagine Damon naked . . . I will not . . .”

“Dammit!”

So, Fangbangers, have you ever been really horny stressed out?  Do you sometimes find yourself with so much excess desire and sexual energy, you simply must find someone to bone some way to release it?  I have.  And whenever I feel this way, I tend to GO BONE DAMON SALVATORE, THIS INSTANT, ELENA! do one of two things . . .

(1) workout my frustrations with some good old-fashioned humping physical exertion; or

(2) get naked cool off in a nice, refreshing shower.

When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense that Elena ended up doing the former, especially, in light of her recent epic porch smooch with Damon.

It’s also no surprise that, Damon did the latter.  (After all, let’s face it, it’s been WAY TOO LONG, since we got to see Mr. Smoulderhotter NAKED!)

 I’ve never been so envious of a towel, in my entire life.

I mean, Damon’s always been known to be quite the suds-loving dude . . .  He takes his personal hygiene VERY seriously . . .

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But aside from all that, Damon is in a REALLY good place right now.

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And . . . now, I’m jealous of the shower head . . . 

After three seasons of angst, and unrequited love, the elder Salvatore Brother has FINALLY unburdened himself to Elena.  He’s exposed himself to her, in the rawest, most personal way, and SHE reciprocated!

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 It was everything he dreamed about.  And he’s totally satisfied with how it all turned out.

Elena, on the other hand, is CONFUSED, not to mention SERIOUSLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED.  It’s as if, through that kiss, Damon transferred years of horny angst, unrequited love, and giddy confusion from his shoulders onto her own . . .

The only way to release that tension will be for Elena to similarly unburden herself.  But, until she does that, something tells me she’s going to be thinking about that kiss for a VERY, VERY long time . . .

“Have you talked to Damon, today?”  Elena asks Alaric apprehensively, as she thrusts her body into that big sweaty hunk of punching bag.  (It’s a surprisingly girly comment, coming from our new warrior princess . . . Suddenly, she’s a preteen again, asking her best friend, if he thinks her crush likes her.)

Alaric clearly suspects something is going on between his surrogate kid, and his bromantic buddy, but, fortunately knows when to leave well enough alone . . .

“She could beat me up, for sure.” 

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan also might suspect that Damon’s gotten some tongue action (among other things), when the latter saunters out of his shower, naked except for a towel, looking surprisingly peppy, not to mention cocky as hell.

But if you were hoping for a brotherly bonding  / gossip session over the brother’s mutual Gal Friday, you will end up being sorely disappointed.  Stefan, who, by the way, hasn’t been laid in AGES .  . .

“Rub it in, why don’t ya?” 

 .  . .  is all business.  He wants the two of them over at Institution for Dead Witches on the Rag, ASAP, so that the pair can discuss Operation Kill Klaus.

As douchetastic and cold as Stefan has been, of late (He also seems to be wearing a heck of a lot more guyliner, since he went over to the dark side.), it was kind of fun to see the Salvatore Brothers back to their old schemes, and sibling banter.  We haven’t seen that from them, in a while . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 1)

Knock, knock . . .

Who’s there?

Heartless Hybrid . . .

Heartless Hybrid who . . .

Oh crap!

Despite the fact that there are three other unopened coffins in our midst (one of which contains Elijah and his awesome hair) . . .

 . . . everyone only seems interested in that Mystery One . . .

“What are we?   Chopped liver?” 

We find Bonnie at the Institution, doing her own version of Bibbity Bobbity Boo over it . . .

Hey, I’ve got an idea.  Why doesn’t she try to light the coffin on fire, or give it a headache, like she used to do to Damon . . . 

 (only without the nosebleeds . . . Have we completely forgotten about the nosebleeds, writers?) to no avail.

That’s right, Bonnie.  I’m never letting you live this down . . . 

Later, Damon tries to bash it in with a crowbar.  That’s more like it.  I’m just waiting for a Batsh*t Crazy Stefan to come at the thing with an electric chainsaw.  Now, THAT would be awesome . . .

But, suddenly, just as Bonnie finishes her silly little rhyme, and Damon and Stefan reach the doorway to the Institution, the coffins disappear (What a clever little security system those witches have set up!)  Damon rushes inside to warn Bonnie.  Then, he and Stefan tag team and promptly de-heart our first anonymous hybrid victim of the evening.

Man, is it just me, or are these hybrids incredibly lame?

I don’t know, Klaus.  Maybe they get that from their mom’s side of the family?  But it seems to me like some of the Season 1 vampires, were about ten times more difficult to kill than these supposed Lean, Mean, Killing Machines . . .

Part vampire . .  . part werewolf . . . ALL LOSER?

“These hybrids are really bringing the neighborhood down,” snarks Damon, as he tosses the bloody heart on the floor.

No wonder he showers so much . . . 

Correction:  They WOULD be bringing the neighborhood down, if any of them were actually smart enough to survive longer than five minutes to do it . . .

A Very, Very Un-Birthday to YOU!

“I was originally going to write the letters in my own blood, but thought that might be inappropriate.” 

Over at school, Elena and Bonnie are busy decorating undead birthday girl, Caroline’s locker, when Elena announces that she has a confession to make.  “I kissed Damon, and it was so hot I nearly orgasmed, right there on my porch.  I’m so horny right now I could SCREAM. Jeremy’s leaving Mystic Falls, because I made Damon compel him to do so,” she admits, more or less.

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The look on Bonnie’s face, when she hears this, is just FILLED with judgment.  Can you imagine what her face is going to look like, when she learns Damon and Elena are boning?

She knows her ex would never willingly leave his family to battle evil, while he scurried off to someplace “safe.”  And she also knows how much Jeremy always hated the way everyone, especially his sister, always treated him like a toddler, and never let him play in any Scooby Games.  But, as angry as she is, Bonnie doesn’t say anything . . . yet.

Instead, she goes and asks Jeremy about why he’s leaving.  And when he provides her with the stock, Stepford Husband, compulsion response with which Damon has provided him, she gives him this smirk that says, “You are acting like a such a brainwashed tool, right now.  And you don’t even know it.”

For a second, it seems like Bonnie just might have gotten through to Jeremy.  But then he sees a shiny object (Ghost Anna?), and completely forgets that she exists.  Sorry, Bonster.  You may be right about this one.  But your ship has definitely sailed . . .

“I’m sorry. Damon has also compelled me to forget the name of that witch I used to screw.”

Meanwhile, an unusually Mopey Caroline arrives at school to find Tyler waiting for her in the parking lot.

“I could always ‘accidentally’ run him over with my car . . .” 

I know girls like Caroline.  Under normal circumstances, she’d probably show up to school on her birthday, wearing a tiara, a gold sequined dress, and a big button that says, “F*&k Kiss me, I’m a year older.”

“When I open my eyes, I better see lot of expensive presents in front of me, or else!” 

But our girl Caroline has changed, in more ways than one, since last year.  And the sight of her erstwhile beau isn’t making things any easier on her.

Speaking of subdued, the events of the past week seem to have finally gotten it through Tyler’s thick (but still adorable) hybrid skull that being “Gay for Klaus” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  He apologizes profusely to Caroline for no longer being able to put her first, given how demanding his new lover happens to be.  Then, he sweetly slips an adorable silver charm bracelet into her hand, wishes her happy birthday, and exits stage left . . .

As the couple talk, there’s some song playing in the background, in which the lyrics repeat, “It’s over,” over and OVER again.  And there’s just something about it that really makes me want to break something.

Many fellow TVD fans have often complained about the LOUDNESS of the show’s background music.  But this was the first time it TRULY bothered me . . . like a too-loud laugh track, over a part of a sitcom that wasn’t particularly funny . . .

“Turn the music down, dammit, I’m trying to hear FORWOOD!” 

All this angst and pedantic music quickly become too much for Caroline.  So, her and her plaid Catholic School Girl Skirt both decide to take a sick day  . . .

How very Britney Spears, circa 1998 . . . 

When, she arrives back at her house, however, Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there waiting for her.  (Did they all call in sick too?)

How many high school boys do you know who would willingly wear a bubble gum pink dunce cap? 

They’ve planned a tequila campfire party in her honor.  But Caroline, as we know, isn’t in a celebrating mood.  “[My birthday, this year] is just a reminder that I’m dead,” she gripes.  “I’m stuck in a filler year,” Vampire Barbie adds about her “forever 17″ status.

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(I don’t know about 17 being a filler year, per se.  At least you can get your driver’s license, over and over again!)

But worry not, Caroline fans.  Because Elena Gilbert, Therapist to Vampires, knows exactly the kind of party that Caroline needs . . .

A Very Klefan Breakup (a.k.a Funeral 2)

Speaking of vampires who are desperately in need of both therapy and sex, it seems Klaus has crafted a comfy new coffin for his re-daggered sister, Rebekah (or, perhaps, he saved the old one . . . knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d get sick of his sister, and need it again).

He tells Punky She-Hybrid to “Show Rebekah to her room,” while lovingly caressing the coffin.  And, for a moment, I’m reminded of that movie where Ryan Gosling started having intimate conversations with, and eventually, if I recall, marrying, a life-sized female doll . . .

But before Punky She-Hybrid can give Coffin Number 1, the grand tour of the Original Hybrid Suite, Stefan magically appears . . . (because, apparently, this is a day for Reunions with Ex-Boyfriends).

Klaus’ eyes light up when he sees his Steffypoo.  And for a moment, I think the ancient vampire truly believes that the two of them are about to kiss and have sex make up.

But before Klaus and Stefan can continue their weekly weiner-measuring contest, Stefan has some grievances to air about their relationship, “friends don’t strip friends of their free will,” whines Stefan, of Klaus’ Very Bad Boyfriend decision to render him a virtual zombie for three or four episodes.

“Must . . . eat . . . braaaaaiiiiins.” 

To Klaus’ credit,  he actually apologizes for this.  “I know that was extreme, but I can get a bit moody sometimes,” says the guy who has a habit of KILLING his relatives, for fun.   “I was hoping [now that all that is over and done], that we could pick up right where we left off,” he coos, the sexual suggestiveness of his statement, fairly clear, as he winks at his boy toy, and blows kisses in his direction.

But Stefan’s not giving in so easily, nor is he swayed, by Klaus’ decision to play the “Brother Card.”  In fact, Stefan’s SOOOO not down with the idea of a Klefan reunion that he CHOPS OF PUNKY SHE-HYBRID’S HEAD!

So, remember back when Stefan used to eat people’s heads off, and then glue them back on, because he felt bad about it?  Apparently, neither does he . . . 

And another one bites the dust . . .

I love how the decapitated body just stood there, for about three seconds, before finally crumbling to the ground. 

For those of you keeping track at home, out of Klaus’ merry band of hybrids, we now have two, without hearts, and two without heads.  Now, we just need some arms, legs, and torsos, up in this joint.  And we could have ourselves a mean game of Hangman!

But alas, Klaus decides to burn Punky She-Hybrid’s head, in all it’s stylish Angry Girl Band-loving glory.  This to me, seems like a real waste, especially when a “decorative sculpture” like this could really have spruced up Coffin Rebekah’s new bedroom . .  .

A Very Klyler Breakup?

But Stefan isn’t the only boy toy of Klaus’ that’s cheesed off at him.  Seemingly moments after Stefan the Decapitator has departed, in comes a snarling, feral-looking Tyler.  He’s not giving in to this “sire” thing.  No sir!  He’s his own man, dammit.

So, of course, Klaus has to send Tyler off on another errand: namely, bite Caroline, and give her were-hybrid rabies, like Rose and Damon, before her.

(Hmmm . . . interesting.  So, a hybrid bite can kill a vampire, just as easily as a werewolf one can, despite the fact that hybrids are, technically, part vampire.  What happens, when they bite themselves?) 

Tyler says “Hell to the No” to this errand, which I appreciated very much (Of course, I would have appreciated it much more, if his “Hell to the No” was followed by “Pretty please don’t kill Caroline, because I love her” . . .  as opposed to merely, “Why should I do it?” . . . the unspoken .  . . and, perhaps, unintentional, implication being that it would be OK, if someone else did it).

“See?  I should have run him over with my car!” 

Klaus pouts a bit, at his sex  slave’s surprising disobedience.  But, oddly enough, he ultimately lets Tyler off the hook, for this particular errand, without much fanfare . . . or does he?

In which it becomes shockingly apparent that the entire Founder’s Council is made up of vampires and psycho killers . . .

That night, Team Bad Ass, a.k.a. Alaric and Damon, attend one of those ridiculous faux-Founder’s Day parties at the Lockwood Mansion, so that they can later appear at one of those totally useless Anti-Vampire Council meetings.  While they wait, Alaric talks to Damon about how odd it is that Stefan’s gone balls out, evil, while Damon is in hero-mode, and playing house with Elena.  (You can always count on Alaric to say what everyone else is thinking . . .)

Speaking of Elena, “something’s up with [her],” Alaric confides in his bromantic buddy.

Damon smirks at this, undoubtedly imagining the way her tongue tastes.   But he reveals nothing.  Instead, he deflects, “I’m sure, whatever it is it starts with a ‘Stef’ and ends with an ‘an.’” He jokes.  (More like starts with a “DAM” and ends with an “IT’S ON!”)

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Crazy Nanny Carrie, er, I mean Meredith Fell then annoyingly magically appears to hit on Alaric some more, and remind us that, as a “Founding Fell,” she’s part of this Useless Council too . . .(Hey, you know who else was a Fell?  Season 1 Logan . . . the guy Damon and Alaric both killed . . . coincidence?)

Crazy Nanny continues to flirt with Alaric, and make weirdly threatening references to the fact that she still imagines throwing her ex boyfriend from high school off a bridge.  Woah, Crazy Nanny Meredith! Considering that you’re a doctor, it’s safe to say you’ve been out of high school for at least ten years.  It’s time to let go, psychopath . . .

Later, we see said ex-boyfriend and Meredith fighting about something.  The ex gets a bit rough with Meredith, and Prince Alaric comes to her rescue.  Instead of being mad at Alaric, the guy in question actually seems to pity him, even going so far as to warn him about the nutjob he’s about to start screwing.  (Clearly, this guy has watched One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars.)

Cause of death:  The use of too much hair product, at once . . . 

We later learn that this guy is the Town Medical Examiner, a.k.a. The Guy Who Lies and Says Residents Were Killed by Wild Dogs,  When They Were Actually Sucked Dry by Stefan Salvatore . . .

More interesting than Crazy Nanny Meredith’s fantasies of becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, and Medical Examiner Guy’s shockingly bad hair is the fact that “some British guy,” has apparently donated oodles of cash to Mystic Falls’ Founder’s Council.

Annnnd .  . . that’s how the Baddest Vampire of them All, and his Band of Strong, But Stupid, Hybrids all became honorary members of the Now Virtually 0% Human Anti-Vampire Council . . .  Would you believe that Klaus got his foot in the proverbial council door, by offering the group PROTECTION from Stefan?  Talk about the ultimate switcheroo.

To be honest, I was much less surprised that Carol Lockwood went along with her son’s new boyfriend’s plans, than I was that former vampire despiser, Lizard Forbes has suddenly gone out and bought herself a “Team Klaus” t-shirt.

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Is it possible that she is predicting a future romance for her Vampire Barbie daughter, and the Original Hybrid?  Stay tuned . . .

LIZ: “Bet you $20 they are boning by sweeps week.”

DAMON: “I’ll take that bet . . .” 

Speaking of Crazy!Stefan, he makes a go at killing, yet a third hybrid, upstairs in the Lockwood Mansion.  (This one, would have been another beheading . . . not very creative.  However, he is ultimately stopped by Peacekeeping!Damon.  Go figure! Damon’s passionate plea of “No dead hybrids at the Founder’s Party,” reminds me so much of Chris Rock’s “No sex in the Champagne Room,” that it makes me giggle.

Stefan, however, isn’t amused.  So, he storms off to go pee on some more proverbial trees, so as to mark his town territory, and “be the better villain,” so to speak.  And by “trees,” I mean “Elena” . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Here Lies Caroline Forbes . . .  (a.k.a. Funeral 3)

In the most morbid,  but surprisingly appropriate birthday party ever, Elena and the gang take Caroline to Fell’s tomb.  There, they decide to give her a FUNERAL . . . you know, because she’s dead . . . and stuff.  The idea, of course, is to get her to stop focusing on her OLD life of GETTING OLD, and start focusing on her NEW LIFE (which . . . is really, more or less, the same as her old one, except she occasionally drinks blood, and never ever will have to pay for Botox).

Then, Caroline proceeds to get mildly inebriated on tequila, and uses it as an excuse to drunk text Tyler.  (We’ve all been there. )  This prompts Elena to make a snide remark, and Bonnie to stick up for Caroline.  (AGAIN, I’m agreeing with Bonnie AGAIN!  What the heck is wrong with me?)  Apparently, liquor has loosened Bonnie’s lips enough for her to Elena what she really things of her decision to steal Jeremy’s free will, and send him away, possibly for good.

“Judging you . . . again.”

Matt gripes comedically, that all this catty girl talk is totally ruining Caroline’s kickass funeral.  So, BonBon leaves.  Enter Tyler to the tune of the song “Birthday Sex.”  (Now, THAT would have been a good soundtrack choice!)

Love Bites and Dating Dealbreakers . . .

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Tyler wants to talk to Caroline . . .  alone.  You see, his conversation with Klaus has taught him that he CAN, in fact say no. . .  maybe.  Of course, he’s thrilled . . . so thrilled, in fact, that he confesses his love to Caroline.  Now, they are kissing.  Now, they are humping against a tree.  Now, they are . . . BITING EACHOTHER’S NECKS????

Ruh-roh!  Apparently, some foreplay is just no longer acceptable, when you are a hybrid hooking up with a Vampire Barbie.  Caroline falls to the floor, a mixture of shock, accusation, and pain, on her face.

Gnarliest hickey ever . . . I think Tyler might need braces . . . 

To Tyler’s credit, he looks genuinely shocked at what he did.  He obeyed Klaus’ wishes after all, even though (I think) he clearly didn’t want to do so.  Now, if that ‘s not compulsion, I don’t know what is . . .

I would have liked for Tyler not to run off into the woods like a b*tch to leave Caroline dying in the forest.   But run off, he did.  In Tyler’s defense, Caroline asked him to leave.  And he DID go and get her help, which, I suspect, was also precisely what Klaus wanted him to do . . .

Meanwhile, an adorable wasted Elena and Matt tumble out of the tomb, in search of Caroline.  Just as they find her, Stefan knocks Matt unconscious, and steals Elena away, without so much as a “Happy Birthday,” to Dying Caroline.  Way to be a gentleman, ASSHAT!

Next thing we know, Stefan is speeding down the highway with a kidnapped, and super pouty, Elena.  He wants to drive her down to the bridge where they first met . . . you know, back when her parents drowned, and he rescued her?  Ahh .  . . memories.  In fact, Stefan wants to take reliving those memories all the way to the next level, by DRIVING OVER THE BRIDGE, AND DROWNING WITH ELENA . . .

Damon calls Elena for some phone sex, and is not-at-all pleased that his brother has picked up the phone.  He becomes even less pleased, when he learns what exactly Crazy!Stefan plans to do.

In an odd turn of events, Damon suddenly finds himself on the same side as Klaus.  He runs to warn his new friend, of what’s happening.  “Get rid of your hybrids, or he’s going to kill Elena,” Damon says, more or less.

“Sometimes, I wish YOU were my brother . . . you know . . . aside from the whole, leaving your siblings in coffins for 1,000′s of years . . . thing.” 

Initially, Klaus isn’t concerned.  He believes that Stefan ultimately loves Elena WAY too much to kill her.  So, therefore, he must be bluffing.  But when Klaus calls Stefan on the phone, he hears Elena’s anguished screams . . . screams which sound so very real.  Then he hears Stefan, do the one thing, that to Elena, is worse than killing her out right, he force feeds her his blood . . . the exact same action for which he attacked Damon, last season.

Now, Klaus seemed fairly certain that Stefan wouldn’t kill Elena.  But he’s much less certain he won’t turn her into a vampire, thereby making yet another Petrova Doppelganger useless as a human blood bank / hybrid making machine.  This is a HUGE deal.  After all, Klaus had to wait 500 years after Katherine turned vamp, for another opportunity to become / make hybrids.  Who knows how long he’ll have to wait next time around?

Watching Klaus cry, as he hears Elena’s screams of terror, you could almost imagine that he really does care about her, as more than  just a blood bank.  And maybe he does.  After all, Klaus has romantic history with two girls, who look exactly like Elena.  So, it’s not hard to imagine that some of that tenderness has translated over to this new doppelganger, who’s so very important to him, in so many ways.

At the last possible minute, (once Klaus agrees to get his hybrids out of Mystic Falls, of course) Stefan stops the car.  Oddly enough, despite having gone through the last few minutes with Elena, this guy seems truly confused, as to why she won’t back into the car with him.

Stefan’s speech to Elena is interesting, because it causes you to question just how much of his “No Emotions” thing, is an act, while, at the same time, illustrates just how insensitive and hard-hearted his experiences with Klaus have made him.

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Stefan explains to Elena that she and Damon HAD to believe that he was really going to kill her / and/ or turn her into a vampire,  to convince Klaus of the same thing.  And if all that was an act, maybe the rest of it was too.  After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Stefan pretended not to care about Elena,  in order to protect her.

On the other hand, as Elena tearfully explains, Stefan traumatized her, beyond belief, by forcing her to relive the moment of her parents death.  And the fact that Stefan could make her do this, without giving so much as a thought to the mental and emotional impact it would have on her, shows him to not be the same guy with whom she fell so madly in love, a few years back.

Stefan digs the knife deeper, by telling Elena that defeating Klaus is all he has left, pointedly leaving both Damon and Elena out of that equation.  He also tells Elena that they’ve been “over,” since he left Mystic Falls, and that he doesn’t care what she thinks about him, anymore.  Of course, his facial expressions, when he says this, say otherwise.

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Then, the Poopyhead drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of the road, for Damon to rescue . . . again. That’s right, boys and girls.  Stefan Salvatore is on Team Delena.  And, as awful a dude as he’s been lately, I certainly can’t fault him for that.

Speaking of Delena . . .

The Kiss Raincheck?

Throughout the hour, we’ve been waiting for Damon and Elena to address their epic liplock.  Now, fittingly enough, they get to do so, in the exact same spot, where the infamous smooch occurred.  Let’s rewatch, shall we?

I must admit, on first watch, I was disappointed that Elena rebuffed Damon’s sweet facial caresses, and soulful love eyes, with her, “You can’t kiss me again.”

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I thought to myself, “Oh come on, Elena!  Stefan practically ROLLED OUT THE RED CARPET for you to give in to your desires with Damon.  Surely, you can’t be feeling guilty about it now!”

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But Damon’s wistful remark, about it being “right .  . . but not right now,” was true in so many ways.

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It also reminded me of that little Dawson’s Creek moment, I shared with you last week.  You know, the one where Pacey told Joey that he couldn’t keep kissing her, because he’d already made his feelings known.  So, if she wanted their relationship to continue, she would have to kiss him?

In essence, I think that is what Damon and Elena are both saying to one another, here.  From Elena’s perspective, it wouldn’t be fair for her to accept another one of Damon’s mind-blowing kisses on THIS night, when her heart is so very raw, from where Stefan stamped on it.  Despite her obviously strong feelings for Damon, if she let him kiss her right now, it would be more about Stefan than it would be about Damon.  And Elena cares enough about Damon to know that he doesn’t deserve that . . .

The next time Damon and Elena kiss, it should be all about THEM, just like it was the first time.

From Damon’s perspective,  he, like a certain Pacey Witter, knows that their next kiss must be Elena-initiated.  And it needs to come at time, when Elena is finally genuinely OK with what happened between her and Stefan.  He loves and respects Elena enough to wait for that moment to come.  He’s also confident enough in her love for him, to know that it WILL come eventually . . .

Dreaming of Delena . . . 

And, if the longing look Elena gave Damon at the end of this scene, and her words to Matt at the end of the episode are any indication, that moment will probably come sooner, rather than later . . .

The Softer Side of Klaus?

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Coming from a Hardcore Delena and Forwood shipper, you might be surprised to know that I found this the most fascinating moment of this episode.  It was both surprising, and, at the same time, telegraphed from the very first scene.  Most intriguing of all was the fact that Klaus’ motives for doing what he did are still not entirely certain.

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On one hand, it certainly seems as though Klaus told Tyler to bite Caroline, knowing, full well that he would initially say no, and then, inadvertently end up doing it, anyway.  At first, most of us fans, probably felt that this was done to show the Scooby Gang that Klaus means business, just as the attempted murder of Jeremy did, last week.  However, on second glance, it seems more likely that Klaus only got Tyler to bite Caroline, so that he could ultimately save her.

The question is, why did he go through all this trouble to do that, for a girl with whom, up to this point, he has had little to no interaction?  Does he truly care about her as much as he seems to, in this clip?

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Is it possible that Klaus feels kinship with Caroline, because both have questioned their existence, in the past?

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Or maybe because she looks so much like his sister (the other Vampire Barbie), or, perhaps, like someone he once loved?  Has he coveted her all along, and merely been using Tyler to get to her?

Or, was all this merely a way, of keeping Tyler in line, by breaking him of the one person, who potentially had the power to keep him from being completely loyal?  Also, having someone, like Caroline, who is so intimately linked to Stefan’s inner circle beholden to him, certainly can’t hurt Klaus’ plans for continued Elena usage, and world domination?  The coy way, in which Klaus caresses the bracelet Tyler gave her for birthday (He ultimately gives her a much nicer, more expensive piece of jewelry, himself.) could be interpreted either way . . .

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But whether you are Team Klaroline, or Team Forwood, you have to admit that these two are pretty darn sexy together . . . And here I thought death bed flirting was only hot , when Delena was doing it.  Shows, how much I know . . .

Bye, Bye Jer Bear!

After Caroline gets her bracelet, things wrap up pretty quickly.  Jeremy gets shipped off to Denver, without much fanfare.  And Bonnie, for all her complaints and hand-wringing, when it actually comes time for him to leave, merely,  hugs him goodbye.

Don’t worry, Jeremy.  You’ll be back.  The ones that don’t die ALWAYS comeback.  (Come to think of it, so do the ones that DO die . . .)

Here Lies Elena Gilbert (a.k.a. Funeral 4) . . .

We follow up this tearful Jer Bear moment, with a surprisingly sweet one between Matt and Elena on that fateful Bridge of DEATH.  Elena notes sadly that her former self might be disappointed with her current self, a girl in love with VAMPIRES (That’s right, I said “vampires” PLURAL . . .

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You know what that means, don’t you, DAMON?

The Matt we USED to know, would have probably agreed with Elena.  But New Matt, was much kinder, giving Old Elena a “funeral,”  so that she might be able to embrace her new crazy life, one which, though he might not fully understand, he does support,  because he  . . . wait for it  . . . wants her to be happy.

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Way to go, Matt!  (I can’t believe I just typed those words . . . I must be going crazier than Stefan . . .)

Speaking of crazy . . .

Here Lies Crazy Nanny Carrie’s Victim Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 5)

Question: If the only Medical Examiner in town gets whacked, who gets to determine his Cause of Death? 

While Alaric proceeds to get Day Drunk with Crazy Nanny Meredith, Lizard Forbes and her once-again pal Damon go traipsing in the forest to locate yet another of Mystic Falls growing list of Dead Unimportant Characters.  This time its . . . surprise . . . Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . as in, the same one Crazy Nanny Meredith talked about tossing over a bridge, and the same one that Alaric publicly tussled with the night before.  He’s got a stake in his chest, the victim of one of those rare things in Mystic Falls: the HUMAN KILL.

He stole Bonnie’s nose bleed.   BASTARD! 

Do, I suspect a Crazy Nanny Meredith Murder, followed by an Alaric Saltzman frame-up, possibly to avenge the death of an odious weatherman named Logan Fell?  You bet I do!

And that was “Our Town,” in a Nutshell.  Next week, on TVD: Tyler gets chained up and naked again, Crazy Nanny Meredith shows her true colors, and Bonnie appears to be bleeding from her nasal passages again.  Hooray!  You can check out the Canadian and American trailers for this episode, entitled “The Ties that Bind,” here:

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Row, Row, Row Your Boat . . .- A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “A Hot Piece of A”

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Things we learned from this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars:

(1) If you are a high school student in crisis (which I really hope none of your are), and need to consult with the Crisis Hotline, be sure to call the one that’s three towns over.  There’s a really good chance someone you know is working at YOUR crisis center.  And he or she will soon learn all of your dirty little secrets . . .

(2) If you are going to take a picture of four hideous-looking dolls on your camera phone,  don’t put them in front of the ugly floral wallpaper!  Put them on a couch, and then pose them, so that they look like they are doing something dirty.  It’s just funnier that way . . .

(3) If your significant other’s father randomly comes to your apartment at night, and threatens you with police action, don’t fret . . . just scream, “Please stop touching me there.  No means no,” loud enough for all the neighbors to hear.  That should shut him up . . .

(4) If it is pitch black out, and you are in the middle of nowhere, there is really no good reason for you to be in a canoe . . . NONE . . . consider a motor boat, jet ski, or luxury cruise liner, instead.

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Hello, my Pretties!  Oh, how I adore this show, let me count the ways . . .   This week’s PLL installment featured a couple reunion, a couple implosion, some deliciously X-rated allusions to Spencer’s Nana’s couch, and HIGH SEAS INSANITY, COURTESY OF A SELF-DESTRUCTING LUCAS . . .

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(Good thing it wasn’t a pool . . . We all know how allergic he is to chlorine.)

So, strap on a life jacket, and polish up your rowing skills, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Emily has Glass in her Hair!  Someone call the Wahhhhhhmbulance!

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Now that the girls have all come down from the high of potentially finding A’s cell phone, Emily has decided she’s super pissed at the girls for leaving her to battle ”A” in the greenhouse ALL BY HERSELF.  And while her anger is TOTALLY justified, if I were her, I’d be wayyy more upset about the fact that I was BEATEN UP BY GARDEN TOOLS, than the fact that I had GLASS IN MY HAIR.  I mean, the latter even sounds kind of fashionable . . .

Anywhoo . . . Spencer immediately insists that the girls call on Hanna’s hacking beau, Caleb, to download data off the phone.  Considering how determined she is to keep her OWN boyfriend out of “A’s” crosshairs, this seems more than a bit hypocritical of her.  Hanna agrees with me, telling Spencer that she is not one of her “winged monkeys.”

Woo-hoo!  A Wizard of Oz reference! 

She hilariously insists that the girls use someone who’s a bit more . . .  um . . . remote to hack into the phone . . .

 

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Awww, now Hanna . . . that’s just plain racist . . .

Caleb offers the girls some “Technical Support.”

ARIA: “Hey Hanna, come look!  Caleb’s got naked pictures of you on his computer . . .”

SPENCER: “Is that my Nana’s couch?” 

So, the good news is that Caleb found a lot of major,  potentially incriminating, data on “A’s” cell phone . . .

The bad news is that he can’t access any of it (aside from one lame doll picture), because the phone’s owner cleverly trashed all of it’s content, remotely, using his computer.

Also in the “bad news” column . . . Emily smells like mulch . . .

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Caleb is going to need a bit more time to recover the phone’s files.  He looks to Hanna, who’s been unusually quiet, this entire time, for approval of his continued involvement.  She reluctantly agrees.  However, she refuses to involve him any further in this mess, by giving him more information on the subject.

This annoys Caleb, obviously.  But not enough for him to give up all the hot bunny rabbit sex, these two have apparently been having lately . . .

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(I don’t know about you, but I’d personally be VERY interested in the “other ways” they’ve been naked . . . But I guess we will have to wait for PLL to get picked up by HBO or Showtime, before we can find out . . .)

When the Spoby Mobile is a-rockin’ . . .

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Last week, if you recall, I was rather annoyed at BOTH Abs Toby and Spencer, for acting like total douchebags to one another.  Abs Toby acted like a douchebag, because he basically stalked Spencer, made her a lame rocking chair, and didn’t know how to leave well enough alone.  Spencer acted like a douchebag (Can we call girls douchebags?), because she rudely and angrily froze Abs Toby out, even though there’s a good chance he could have helped her out, if she simply let him in, a little bit . . .

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That said, I’m happy to report that both members of this couple completely redeemed themselves (at least in my eyes), this week.  I was proud of Spencer for confronting Abs Toby, apologizing for her earlier behavior, and admitting that she still cared deeply for him, even if she couldn’t tell him everything about what was going on in her life.  I was also proud of Abs Toby for accepting that Spencer had her reasons for continuing to keep him in the dark on certain things, and for making out with her, like a BAMF!

 

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Do I smell little babies with six packs, in this couple’s future?

Trouble in Paradise for the Most Disgusting Couple EVER?

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Did you ever notice how every time Spencer and Toby make out in his Looooooove Mobile, they end up overhearing a conversation that ends up being crucial to the plot?  Now, if that’s not an excuse to car bang ALL THE TIME, I don’t know what is!

This time around, Spoby overhears Police Boy Garrett arguing on the phone with Blind Jenna, who has apparently dumped his ass, over one of their EEEEEEVILL plans going horribly awry.  Police Boy Garrett is clearly a moron . . . one who obviously doesn’t understand the concept of using his “telephone voice.”  It’s no wonder the ENTIRE TOWN didn’t hear him bitching to Jenna about “messing things up last night,” and “getting someone else involved.”

Cue Spencer Face . . .

Abs Toby suggests that the pair might be fighting over Blind Jenna’s stress regarding her upcoming operation.  But Spencer immediately assumes they are referring to the girls’ botched meeting with “A”, the night before . . . a meeting about which EVERYONE in Rosewood oddly seems to have intimate knowledge.  (They must really like their greenhouses, in that town . . .)

Later, Abs Toby confronts Police Boy Garrett, and it’s kind of cool to see the tables between these two turned, for once . . .

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Apparently, Blind Jenna had some fancy limo take her to Boston (or at least to the airport), for her fancy eye surgery.  (Uh oh!  It looks like Blind Jenna might have to get a new nickname.)  Police Boy Garrett is miserable over this, because he didn’t get to take her highness, himself.  He’s desperate to know whether she went with another man.  (Ummm . . . I would kind of think her parents took her?  Getting Not-Blind-Surgery is usually the kind of thing Mom and Dad like to be in on . . . just sayin’.)

To Police Boy’s credit (though it does make him seem more than a bit pathetic), he seems to genuinely love that creepy, flute playing witch, and is more concerned for her well being, than anything else.  Abs Toby, of course, basically tells him not to bother.  “Blind Jenna uses people up, and spits them out, like chewing tobacco,” Toby explains, more or less.  She clearly did that to Abs Toby, which is just too disturbing for words, if you ask me . . .

*makes vomit noises*

I hope, for Police Boy Garrett’s sake, that Blind Jenna decides to stay in Boston.  This way, he can go back to dating Lizzie McGuire, and everyone can be happy!

Ezria gets by with a little help from their friends  . . .

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Things have gotten mighty rocky in Ezria land, ever since last week’s Declaration of Love that Went Horribly Awry  . . .

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Now, Aria’s parents are keeping her on lockdown, saddling her with a dress code, limiting her PLL Girl Time, and trying to set her up with random guest stars named “Holden.”

I’m willing to reserve judgment, until I learn more.  But I don’t like his hair. 

To make matters worse, when Aria calls Fitzy on the phone, he either screens her calls and doesn’t pick up, or, flat out, tells her not to call anymore!

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But despite all the doom and gloom, the Pretty Little Liars have managed to rally around this couple, each finding ways to show their support.  Hanna (who, not so long ago, had to endure the ignominy of having a parent who didn’t approve of her choice of boyfriend) gallantly takes the time to travel out to Hollis college, to tell Fitzy she’s on Team Ezria.  (And as sweet as the scene between them was, I thought it was kind of funny that Fitzy made Hanna leave the door open, while she was making her speech.  Hey, at least he’s learning!)

Back at Rosewood, Emily, in a speech that manages to be both respectful, and decidedly bold, reminds Aria’s mother that Aria is exactly the same person she was, before Mommy Dearest learned she was boning her former English Professor . . .

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You tell her, Sista!  (As we will see a bit later, Emily’s brief words may have gone a long way in warming Mama Montgomery’s heart . . . if not necessarily to the idea of “Ezria,” at least to the idea that Aria shouldn’t necessarily be judged poorly for what happened between them.

On the other hand . . .

Byronnnnn = Moronnnnnnnn

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“Ooh . . . a knock on the door late at night . . . I hope it’s a booty call.”

“Doh!” 

OK . . . OK . . . I understand that most parents wouldn’t be entirely cool with the idea of their sixteen year old girl dating a guy in his mid-twenties, who used to be her teacher.  But honestly, there was just something so disturbing about Byron hunting down Fitzy in his home to “lay down the law.”  For starters, there was that remark he made about him having, “gone to parties in this building . . . with my slutty student girlfriend Ella.”  Seriously, why would you tell that to someone you are about to threaten?

But the best was the part where Byron admitted that HE himself, had difficulty navigating “student /  teacher” relationships.  However, because HIS former honey happened to be two years older than Aria, THAT makes him a better person than Fitzy.  (Never mind the fact that BYRON is probably old enough to be HIS ex-girlfriend’s daddy . . . Oh, and HE’S MARRIED!!!)

I feel like I would have felt less  put off by this conversation, if it was ELLA making the threats, as opposed to Byron.  And then, when Papa Doucheface took things further, by threatening to call the police . . . well that was just TOTALLY uncalled for  . . . (and kind of made me hope that his girlfriend 1 . . . ends up to have been lying about her age, and is really just an incredibly intelligent, and rapidly aging, 14-year old; 2 . . .  happens to be pregnant with his spawn).  I know . . . I’m evil . . .

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*pees in pants* 

Remember when I mentioned how Emily’s words in support of Aria’s honor influenced Mama Montgomery to come around a bit on the whole Fitzy situation?  Well, we get to see that, firsthand, in the following scene, when she blasts MoronByron for considering going to the police, and ruining HIS OWN daughter’s already-tarnished reputation, in the process.  She also says this: “We raised our daughter to be independent, and open minded.  That means we don’t get to be shocked, when that is exactly who she is.”

BRAVO, Miss Montgomery!  That might very well be the smartest thing you’ve said all season . . .

That said, Mama Montgomery may have only been faking “smart.”  Because she sure falls fast for Aria’s ridiculously obvious lie that she has a date with “Holden,” when it’s crystal clear, she wants to see Fitzy, instead  . . .

Oops! 

What Lucas has in common with Spongebob Squarepants . . .

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By the end of this episode, they are both all wet and soggy? 

Lucas has been acting kind of strange, lately . .  . stranger than usual,  I mean.  Whereas our adorkable brunette used to practically do cartwheels, just for the opportunity to be within spitting distance of Hanna, he’s become surprisingly cool with her .  . . trying desperately to make excuses as to why they can’t study together.  He’s also been more than a bit b*tchy to Caleb, even though the two are usually, as Hanna describes them, “like Patrick and Spongebob.”

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Typically nerdy to the extreme, and a veritable fountain of knowledge on all subjects, Lucas seems oddly distracted and un-helpful, during his and Hanna’s Civil War Study Session.  He also seems to have no desire to help Hanna throw a birthday surprise party for her beau, at Spencer’s lake house where the two boned on Nana’s couch . . . ahh . .  memories.

Lucas sights “money issues,” as the reason behind his unwillingness to party plan.  I actually think there is more to this statement than meets the eye.  It may even be the reason why Lucas ended up doing what he did . . .

But more on that theory, later . . .

For now, Lucas is being weird, and Hanna is being completely oblivious, drunk as she is on Caleb love, and dreams of expanding the ways in which she and her beau can see one another naked, in the future . . .

Something tells me that later, Hanna will be kicking herself, for not picking up on the signs that something was very, very wrong . . .

1-800-Don’tHurtHanna!

Over at the LEAST ANONYMOUS CRISIS HOTLINE EVER  . . . Emily is performing her community service responsibilities.  So, of course, as part of her “training,” she is asked to read a transcript from a call that came in the night before (Now why wouldn’t you use an older transcript than that?  That just seems in bad taste to me?).  And, of course, the caller seems to have a lot in common with Emily’s attacker from the night before.

What a coinky-dink!  Mystery caller just seemed to BLAB on about screwing up, and “almost getting caught” and ”shutting it down,” and “wanting to kill himself.”  Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Sh*t just got REAL!

Upon hearing about Emily’s experience, Spencer decides that SHE should volunteer at the call center too  out of the kindness of her heart.  How fitting then, that shortly after Spencer arrives Mystery Caller calls again, and that AWFUL Crisis Manager decides it would be a great idea to have the girls LISTEN IN, on this poor soul’s suicidal rantings.  (Note to self . . . never call a crisis center, EVER!)

Oh, but here’s the thing about Mystery Caller.  He just so happens to have a very recognizable voice . . .

“That’s LUCAS!” 

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Now, the PLL girls are convinced that Lucas is the one who attacked Emily in the greenhouse that night, and, resultantly lost his cell phone.  It would stand to reason then, that Lucas somehow, got roped into working for “A” and/or Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  I think this is probably a good assumption.

But the real question is HOW involved is he, and WHY is he involved?   Because, while certainly not innocent, I don’t think Lucas is nearly as evil or nutso, as the PLL girls seem to think he is, by the end of the episode.

Why nutso, you say?  Because at the end of his little convo with Worst Crisis Center Manager EVER, he says this: “I never wanted to hurt anybody . . . now I HAVE TO . . .”

Lucas dips his toe further into the Wackjob Pool, when Emily “conveniently” finds herself at the Crisis Center again, just minutes before Caleb’s surprise party, and happens to pick up the phone, herself, when Lucas calls a third time . . .

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Of course, Emily thinks Lucas is talking about Hanna.  And I think he is too.  I just don’t think he’s actually talking about killing her.  I suspect his intentionally vague words have more to do with the fact that he’s planning to come clean to her about his involvement in the whole “A” fiasco.   But he knows that the minute she finds out what he’s done to her and her friends, their friendship will be over.  I also think Lucas got roped into working with “A” as a result of . . . wait for it  . . . gambling debt.  Remember the sports betting page from earlier?

Mmmmm- hmmmm!

But that’s neither here, nor there.  The important thing to remember, right now, is that Lucas is acting a couple of pawns short of a chess game.  So, Emily needs to get to the lake house, ASAP . . . BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!

“I can’t watch!  It’s all too INTENSE!” 

“We’re having a party . . . everybody’s . . . swimming?”

It’s Caleb’s surprise party, and everyone’s there . . .  even people who weren’t technically invited . . .

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 . . . like Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel (haven’t seen him in a while, have we?).  Spencer is lurking around the attic, when she randomly moves some boxes, and discovers the same ugly wallpaper from the creepy doll photograph on Lucas’ (?) cell phone.  You know what that means, don’t you? “A” was IN THE HOUSE!

Geez!  It seems like EVERYBODY gets busy on Spencer’s Nana’s couch!  (She should start charging rent, by the hour!)  Spencer then has a weird run-in with Lucas,  who claims to be “looking for tools,” and also seems to have surprisingly intimate knowledge of the room, despite, supposedly, having never been there before.  The usually fearless Spencer, looks genuinely frightened of Mr. Adorkable (who is now sweating like a pig, and not looking so hot AT ALL), and runs away like a frightened mouse . . .

Enter Emily (wow, she got there fast!), who warns Lucas not to do anything CRAZY (you know . . . like beat people with garden tools), and tells him that Hanna will probably forgive him, provided he doesn’t . . . you know . . . murder her.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lucas thinks to himself, before deciding to take Hanna on a “romantic canoe cruise” to set off some fireworks.  Ruh roh!

“If you put me in the hospital again, Lucas Gottesman, we are SO not Facebook friends, anymore  . . .” 

In what was honestly, the most frightening PLL moment I’ve experienced in quite some time, Lucas and Hanna ride across the lake in silence, as Hanna finally catches on to the Lucasy-weirdness her friends have been warning her about.  By the time he stops rowing, grabs the oars from her hands, and sternly tells her to “sit down,” while suffering from a bad case of “Crazy Eyes,” our spunky blonde is truly terrified, and near tears.

“If you kill me, Caleb and I will never be able to have sex on Spencer’s Nana’s toilet!  (We’ve always wanted to do that.)” 

To make matters even more frightening, Spencer and Emily are now across the lake, frantically screaming at Hanna, and telling her to get the f*ck out of there.  “Don’t make this any harder for me, than it already is,” says Lucas, rising to his feet.  (That’s right, Lucas.   You tell Hanna how insensitive she’s being, for not rejoicing in the “alone time” she’s getting to spend with your seemingly crazy ass.)

On impulse, Hanna appears to knock Lucas overboard with one of her oars.

“But I’m allergic to chlorine, which means I probably can’t swim!  And if you think that once I’m dead, I’m going to help you remove all those unflattering pictures of you online, you are sadly mistaken!”

With Lucas literally “swimming with the fishes” but probably not dead . . . yet, Hanna tries frantically to paddle to shore.  But then, someone CAPSIZES her boat.  Was it Lucas?  I DON’T THINK SO!  I’ll tell you why, in just a bit . . .

Things look REALLY bad for Hanna . . . at least for a few seconds, until we see her doggie paddling to the shore like a PRO!  (Emily will be SOOO proud!)

(She’s not allergic to chlorine!) 

As Spencer and Emily pull a breathless, and pale Hanna to the shore, Bushy Eyebrows and Mona magically appear SOAKING WET!  They claim to have randomly decided to take a “sexy dip in the lake,” while Hanna and Lucas were DROWNING.  Sounds reasonable, right?

And, if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .

Man, does EVERYONE on this show work for “A”?  (BTW, Mona is currently my top choice for “A.”  Because Blind Jenna just seems too obvious.  As for my second choice?  Maya .  . . just because it would be so completely out of left field, that it would make me giggle.)

If the letter fits . . .

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Poor Caleb chooses this moment to arrive at the Birthday Party that will Never Be . . .

Source 

At least he’ll still get to eat that really pretty chocolate birthday cake Hanna baked for him!

In the final moments of the episode, we see yet another hooded figure fishing Lucas’ sneaker out of the water . . .

(For those of you who don’t remember, Lucas’ sneakers had a cameo on this show, back in Season 1, when we found out he destroyed Ali’s memorial?)

So, is Lucas gone for good?  No, he’s in next week’s promo.  It’s too early to tell.  But one things for sure.  After his little “boat ride” with Hanna, someone sure as hell has a lot of explaining to do . . .

Now . . . promos for next week . . . you want ‘em?  We’ve got em  . . .

(Once again, CANADA WINS!  Come on, USA!  Get with the program!)

So, how did you like “Hot Piece of A?”  How crazy is Lucas, really?  Do you actually believe Bushy Eyebrows and Mona about their “late night swim?”  What the f*#k are we supposed to call Blind Jenna after her surgery? Are you happy for Spoby?  Miserable for Ezria?  And perhaps most importantly, WHO DO YOU THINK IS A?

Please sound off, in the comments section below.  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]