Once Upon a Time Season 2 Retrospective – The Ones with Regina’s Mom and that Annoying Cult that Hated Magic

Once-Upon-a-Time-Season-2-Cast-Promotional-Photos-once-upon-a-time-32308597-660-495

“My GPS says, ‘Recalculating route . . . when possible, make a legal U-turn.’  My horse says, ‘Naaaaaaayyyyy  . . . . I think I just pooped.'”

While recapping Season 2 of Once Upon a Time for Happy Nice Time People.com  the following three things dawned on me, in no particular order:

(1) every season of Once is actually separated into two distinct sub-seasons, each with its own stand-alone plot;

are you

(2) if I fail to come up with a conceivable relationship between the whole Regina’s Mom Wreaks Havoc on Her Daughter’s Happiness plot line of Season 2A, and the Magic-Hating Cult Come to Blow Up Storybrooke and Kidnap Young Henry for a Mystery Man We Later Learn to be Peter Pan plot line of Season 2B, there’s a good chance this recap will suck;

hide behid

and (3) I still really hate Mary Margaret’s short haircut, and can’t for the life of me understand why she didn’t grow it out in Season 2, especially after learning her true identity as the fabulous-hairdo-having Snow White . . .

scared snow

hang on

Nonetheless, recap Season 2, I did . . . and read it, you shall . . . well . . . at least, if you feel like reading it . . .  which I hope you do, because I have a very fragile ego.  And affirmation from total strangers is pretty much my bread and butter . . . :)

not feel

Anywhoo, travel back to Storybrooke, and get Hooked by Sexy Captain Hook, by clicking here.  You know you want it!

broody hook

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Presto Chango – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Smoke and Mirrors”

presto chango iii

Game of Bones . . .

Have you ever seen a children’s magic show? By design, a children’s magic show has to be different from its adult counterpart. You see, children generally don’t have the patience for the pomp and circumstance of adult magic shows . . . the “mood music,” the attractive scantily clad assistant, the table that spins in the center of the stage for no apparent reason than to make the audience dizzy.

Because of this, children’s magic shows tend to consist of a variation of the same magic trick, over and over again. “Presto chango.” This hat is empty.

“Presto chango.” Now there is a rabbit in it.

make bunny cry

“Presto chango.” We poured milk into a rolled up newspaper.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s dry.

“Presto chango.” This is a blank coloring book.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s filled with the colors the audience shouted at the magician, a moment earlier.

blue just pretty

Season 4 of Teen Wolf, in general, and the aptly titled “Smoke and Mirrors” finale, specifically, felt a bit like watching a children’s magic show . . .

“Presto chango.” There’s a deadpool.

“Presto chango.” Just kidding!

all contracts terminated

“Presto chango.” Derek’s a man werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s a kid werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s dying. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s not dying, and is an actual wolf.

thats me

“Woof.”

“Presto chango.” Scott’s a berserker. “Presto chango.” He’s better now.

ephemeral

“Presto chango.” Liam’s petrified of berserkers , and doesn’t want to be a member of the pack. “Presto chango.” “I’ll die for you, Scott McCall!”

confused liam

Back in my early season recaps of Teen Wolf, one of the aspects of the show I always complimented was the way in which its writers never felt they had to underestimate their fans intelligence, by spoon-feeding them information they could figure out on their own. But there’s a difference between providing the audience with only some of the pertinent information, and providing them with none. When you do the former, you are treating your fan like she’s smart. When you do the latter, you are treating your fan like she’s . . .well, a child.

teacup humans

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who faithfully recapped this entire season of Teen Wolf, without grumble or complaint, and even indulged my Deputy Parrish fantasies and thinly veiled requests for pictures of him naked, without judgment or mocking.]

Scott McCall and the Temple of Relationship Doom

Not to be a Debbie Downer (I promise I’ll try to make the rest of this recap more upbeat.), but I was so incredibly disturbed by the scene where Berserker Scott beat the crap out of Kira that I think it may have colored my perception of the rest of the episode. My main issue with the scene is that I have this sneaking suspicion that Scott’s actions will have no repercussions in his relationship with Kira, next season. “He didn’t mean it,” she’ll say. “He wasn’t himself at the time.”

why do i suddenly feel like i fell into an after school special

“This is all starting to feel very Afterschool Special.”

In this particular instance, it may be true. But how many times have you heard an abusive boyfriend or husband use the same excuse? “I wasn’t myself . . . I was angry . . . I was drunk . . . I haven’t been sleeping.”

his eyes

“I was wearing a funny hat.”

Even Stiles, who actually wasn’t himself, back in Season 3, when he was possessed by the Nogitsune, was willing to take some responsibility for the havoc “his body” wreaked on the town. “I was there. I saw everything. And a part of me enjoyed it,” Stiles admitted to Malia earlier this season.

stiles no

If the writers were to have Scott make a similar confession to Kira, could they allow Kira to willingly continue the relationship, without sending a terrible message to fans everywhere?

that didnt take long

Ummmm . . . .

Anywhoo, back in the Temple of Relationship doom, Kate is Villain Monologuing about how this cave has magically imbued her with the power to create Berserkers, and make them 100% loyal to her, because . . . um . . . bears really like jaguars, I guess.

i dont good

“Are they still considered six-pack abs, if you have to wear them as a t-shirt?”

She tells her pet Scott to stab Kira in the chest, and he does.

pre stab

“Good Bear / Dog. You get a cookie . . . or should I say, another bone.”

Has the Mexico Department of Tourism Gotten Wind of This?

In the season premiere, the Scooby crew all took a nice little road trip to Mexico to save Derek from Kate’s clutches . . . and also to tussle with a Mexican crime syndicate. Now, in the finale, they are heading back to Mexico to “save” Scott and Kira . . .

town of mexico

Apparently, if you are looking for a place where your adult friend can get turned into a teen, and your teen friend can get turned into a mindless bear zombie, Mexico is the Vacation Destination for you!

more dancing stiles

“Cancun, baby!”

Did I mention they have Chimichangas?

Papa Stilinski is totally not cool with Stiles and his friends heading off to certain death in Mexico. “I get it. You need a vacation. But why not somewhere like Daytona Beach, Bermuda, New Orleans, Vegas . . . a Giant Maze where bug-like creatures chase you around for sh*ts and giggles . . .”

“Nope, viva la Mexico,” replies Stiles. “Also, I’d very much like some guns, please.”

noooo

ep 7 in spanish

“What’s that you say, Stiles? You would like to take your trustee bat to the Murder Church? Yes, you can take your bat,” replies the Sheriff.

“I said GUNS . . . G-U . . .”

“All right, sonny boy, now you run along and play . . .”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Speaking of guns . . .

All Paws on Deck

For trained bounty hunter, Braeden, murder is like playing golf. You bring every gun you own, everywhere you go, and then carefully select the best one for the circumstance at hand . . . hopefully, before someone shoots you in the face.

all the guns

“You’re going to need a really big backpack.”

. . . which, I guess, makes Derek her caddy.

i make this look good

For a hero, Derek seems surprisingly cool with his impending demise.

dont die

DEREK: “They’ve got that little guy, with the pretty boy face now. Clearly, I’m being phased out, sent off on the ice floe, like the Eskimos do to old people.”

BRAEDEN: “But if you’re dead, we can’t have sex in your poorly furnished apartment, while Lydia screams in our ear anymore.”

DEREK: “You’re over 18, (I hope. I mean, you are, aren’t you? Because, I never actually asked). Maybe they’ll send you on the ice floe too . . .”

BRAEDEN: “Hmmm . . . I’ve never had sex on a block of ice before . . .

Also packing for the trip are Stiles and Malia, the former of whom helpfully offers Malia a pair of his besties dirty underwear so that she can pick up his scent . . .

underwear

. . . which would be very helpful, if Scott was trapped under something heavy, and the only part of his body out in the open air was his crotch . . .

um no thanks

Malia rolls her eyes, and decides to sniff his pillow instead. Smart girl!

febreeze

Last week, Liam was all, “No thank you,” to the opportunity to be a series regular on a show that involved him willingly walking into the jaws of death every week. “Please keep me in mind when there’s an opening on Dawson’s Creek,” he said.

sad liam eyes

“I have soulful eyes.  I can totally be broody like Dawson, or misunderstood and charming like Pacey.”

But then that other wolf guy gave him a pep talk, and he changed his mind . . .

(Also, he Googled Dawson’s Creek, and learned it’s been off the air for over 10 years.)

let me come

“I’d very much like it if you tied me up, and strapped me to the roof of your car, so that I can come along on this Super Fun Suicide Trip with you all,” Liam offers, shrugging off the second full moon of his werewolf existence like it no big deal . . .

im in

“Hey, can I come too? I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to be good or evil in this episode Maybe I should go back into a coma, so Meredith can tell me what I’m really thinking,” chimes in Peter.

Now, THAT’S what I call a road trip. But wait . . . SOMEONE’S MISSING . . .

Not Without My Lydia . . .

snort

“Kind of smells like Scott’s crotch . . .”

really sexin

Back at school, Lydia is snorting one of Kira’s jackets, when this happens . . .

wanna study

“Hey Lydia, I was hoping I could borrow your calculus notes.  You see, I have this big exam on Monday, but Kate’s had me out late every night eviscerating innocent flesh, and I just haven’t had the chance to sit down and study.

RUH-ROH!

I get that it’s the weekend. But I love how no one noticed the GIANT BEAR BONE ZOMBIE THINGY wandering the halls in broad daylight . . .

Mason’s at the school too, because he’s human, and not friends with Scott, which means he still has to do boring things on this show like eat nasty cafeteria food, dissect frogs, and, in this particular instance, “attend Study Group.”

lyd phone hume

Also, because every cute red-headed high school teen needs a gay best friend . . .

Stiles tries to get the group to wait for Lydia.   But Peter seems to be in a very big rush to leave her behind, so he can save two teens he doesn’t like very much. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t seem suspicious at all . . .

lets ride

So, the Scooby Gang leaves without Lydia, which is pretty much what they’ve been doing all season, probably because she’s not dating Stiles or Scott . . . also, maybe, because of the Screaming Thing, which is super unpleasant . . .

scream

Mason eventually finds Lydia’s cell phone in the hallway . . .

berserker screen

“Cool screensaver, is that from an app?”

. . . and then, he finds Lydia, just not in the way he would have hoped.

in there

“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back in the closet, huh?”

“That guy, in the hallway . . . the one who beat me up. He had a really great Halloween costume. But I’m not sure if he was supposed to be Shredder from the Ninja Turtles movies, or someone from Game of Thrones. Think I should ask him?” Mason inquires.

“Not human,” Lydia remarks ominously of their burly captor . . .

Humanity is overrated . . .

As the full moon rises, all of our Scoobies appear to be becoming a bit more feral.   En route to Scott, Peter is doing a pretty good job of convincing Malia that murder is totally OK, provided it’s for a good cause, like, for example, to help out the person you occasionally bone. “Also, losing control and becoming an animal is OK, if you want to kill the Bear-Looking thing, that may or may not be Scott, so I can become Alpha, because . . . wait for it.”

always been the alpha

Meanwhile, in the other car, Derek is offering up a slowly wolfing out Liam, his very favorite cereal box toy, to help him control his animal urges.

toy

“I think it was supposed to come with a matching decoder ring, but I accidentally threw it out with my box of Lucky Charms.”

When that doesn’t work, he teaches him the Latin Alphabet.

help me

“Not impressed.”

When that doesn’t work . .. it’s all about the Buddhism, baby!  I’m thinking, The Sun, the Moon, The Truth would make for a great phrase to put on a Teen Wolf t-shirt, don’t you?

Meanwhile, back in temple, Kira is self-mutilating, because the spirit of her Mom told her it would make her feel better. And it works! She’s healed! (And the negative messages for kids, just keep on coming . . .)

i can help self mut 2 success

“Thanks for making me a cutter, Mom.  You’re the best!”

Derek gets sent on the ice floe . . .

Our gang barely manages to park outside the church, when Derek gets his intestines sliced open by a Berserker. It’s the kind of wound you see humans in movies suffer, and you just know they are about to bite it. But Derek . . . well, I guess he’s sort of kind of human now.

dying der

torn up derek 1

The Scooby Gang makes sure to put on their best sad faces for all of two seconds, before leaving Derek to die, and rushing off to rescue their REAL Hero, Scott.

To Stiles’ credit, he looks sad for at least FOUR seconds . . .

sad stiles

Braeden stays with the dying Derek, though . . . possibly because now she has no caddy to hand her guns in battle . . .

But then Kate and the Berserkers arrive, and it’s every man (and woman) for themselves . . .

here they are

And the CAVALRY IS HERE! Hello Deputy Parrish, Crazy Mexican Crime Syndicate, Chris Argent . . . We missed you! Well . . . at least I very much missed one of you!

phoenix

I love how there are thousands off bullets being shot off in every direction, and every single one of these “trained shots” is totally missing the Berserkers. I get that the bone armor is probably pretty effective in warding off bullets. But there are enough openings in the Berserker wardrobe that one would think even a novice marksman could get in a few lucky shots on. . .

THE STOMACH . . .

Berserkers tummy

THE ARMS . . .

band hand

THE EYES . . .

his eyes

Maybe not all of these shots are kill shots, but they would at least do a better job at disarming the Berserkers than, whatever the heck it is they are doing in this scene . . .

shoot at

“Pretending this is the carnival game where you have to shoot water into a clowns mouth until the balloon on his head pops . . .”

Having slightly better luck against the Berserkers on the home front. . .

Bombs Ove Beacon Hills

I’m pretty sure my favorite part of the episode was the scene where Lydia and Mason, kamikaze themselves (and their baseball bats) at the Berserker. I mean, Mason even came up with his own battle cry, which sounded like ArRRAHHIIAHIHIHI! It was awesome.

battle cry

Then, Sheriff Stilinski added to the comedy, by engaging the Berserker in a friendly game of catch . . . with IEDs of course. I very much enjoyed the Wil E. Coyote facial expression the Berserker had while he’s holding on to the bomb and knowing he’s about to go kablooey . . .

front toward enemy wil e coyote

“Front toward enemy? I don’t get it. Why would you want to play catch with your enemy? Wait a second . . . Awwwww sh*******t.”

explode

S.O.S. – Save Our Scott

Inside the temple it’s a Berserker versus Scooby showdown. Stiles finds a newly-healed Kira, who warns Stiles that (1) Scott is a Berserker; (2) Lydia was left behind on purpose, so that she couldn’t warn the others before they killed Scott.

he kind of

“My boyfriend physically abused me, which caused me to voluntarily cut myself, which, if this was another show, would make you very concerned for my well being.  But this is Teen Wolf, so SAVE SCOTT!”

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be working pretty hard to murder our newly-turned Doesn’t Care Bear . . .

carebear stareee

“STOP! It’s our fearless leader Scott, in that Shredder costume!” Stiles warns, just as “Scott” is attempting to strangle little lost Liam.

In that moment, Liam looks into the face of the thing he fears most and sees EYES . . .

hey scott what up

“Hey, I’d know those bushy unplucked verging-on-unibrow eyebrows anywhere! That’s my surrogate daddy!”

Since mantras had worked so well on Liam, he decides to use one on Scott . . . the same one Scott used on him to help control his change, earlier in the season. “Scott, you are not a monster. You are a werewolf, just like me.”

damn hat off break on through

And . . . presto chango . . . Scott has, once again accomplished the impossible, and broken the Berserker curse . . . now, if he could just wax those eyebrows . . .

Minutes after coming back to himself, Scott sees Peter and immediately figures out that HE has been behind Kate’s plans all along. (For a dumb-dumb, Scott can be pretty insightful, when its plot convenient.) And he’s PISSED! So, he runs toward Peter, and Peter runs toward him, and the two of them embrace one another in a snazzy dance move I like to call the “Flying Hug of Death.”

lets dance bitch

“Let’s dance.”

pretty funny

“Think happy thoughts .  . .  You can FLY. You can FLY.  You can FLLLLYYYY.”

Meanwhile, outside . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah, Stuff Happens, Blah, Blah, Blah . . . NAKED DEREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, just when everything seems like it’s going to crap, Derek turns into an actual wolf, and attacks Kate with what at first seems like puppy licks, but is actually gnashing teeth . . .

running tackle hug

“Tee hee, that tickles.  Wait.  Why are you biting off my tit?”

He doesn’t kill her though, because . . . she hosts Wolf Watch . . .

Then Kate’s own brother, Chris, shoots her with a yellow-tipped bullet. Kate looks super offended, but this also doesn’t kill her . . . because . . . Wolf Watch.

im sad

“My feelings = hurt.”

THEN DEREK APPEARS NAKED, AND I START DROOLING, AND MY MIND TURNS TO MUSH . . .

howl 2345 hello baby berserker die

(I don’t think anything really important happened at that point anyway . . . except for maybe that whole, Derek kills a Berserker by smushing his face with his bare hands thing.)

Back in the Church . . .

FINISH HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott and Peter fighting was like something straight out of the Mortal Kombat video game. Five minutes of, punch, punch, punch, kick, fly, punch, throw, fly, punch . . .

4 10 nod off

And I started looking at my nails and thinking, my nail polish is really chipped. I should invest in a better top coat . . .

Then Scott, had Peter on the ground FINALLY. . . and I’m like the announcer from the Mortal Kombat video game. “FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM.”

punch punch fight finish him

But he doesn’t . . . lame.

Also, lame is how Chris totally has a chance to, if not kill, at least disarm, Kate. And he willingly lets her go, only so he can leave the show head off with the Mexican Crime Syndicate to find her again . . .

emasculated

“Feeling alone and emasculated . . . wondering if I remembered to DVR My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, before I left the house.”

How it ends . . .

Stiles comes back home, and gets grounded . . . big time.

groundedstiles

Malia decides her favorite food is pizza, after all . . .

nommy

Coach tells the boys that he’s seen things in Mexico that would knock off their genitals. (I smell a prequel!!!!)

coach

Kira gets a tail . . . well . . . actually a piece of the glass she mutilated herself with, but . . . details.

tail

*sigh* Memories . . .

Lydia gives Parrish a book that looks surprisingly skinny for a bestiary (abridged version, perhaps?), and tells him she’d like to try and help him figure out that he’s a phoenix what he is. (Meanwhile, Parrish patiently waits for Lydia, to leave, so that he can check his database to confirm that she’s had her 18th birthday, before he invites her over to his place for some . . . bestiarying.)

helpin you

Peter ends up in Eichen House, and he has a roommate!

lololol

“I bet he snores and farts in his sleep too.”

(So maybe my guess about the X-Men Eichen House breakout is not so far off after all . . .)

Until next season, Werebangers!

dancing stiles moon

 

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Once Upon a Time Recaps and Retrospectives By Yours Truly at Happy Nice Time People.com

young and adult snow

“NOW, she suddenly decides to recap us? Where the heck was she the first three seasons? I was so young and beautiful back then . . . sigh.”

If you haven’t been stopping by the positively brilliant recapping website, Happy Nice Time People, daily for their hilarious snark-filled recaps of every television show under the sun, you should start now for the following reasons:

(1) They are TOTALLY FRIGGIN awesome!

(2) They were crazy enough to hire me!

Starting today, I will be posting weekly recaps of ABC’s hit drama Once Upon a Time (which premieres Sunday September 28th, at 8/7 central on ABC), including retrospectives of Seasons 1 to 3, to get new viewers caught up on the insanity that is Storybrooke, Maine, and the almost-criminal sexiness that is Captain Hook . . .

broody hook

You can check out my first post, RIGHT NOW, by clicking here.

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Entering the Bone Zone – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Promise to the Dead”

this isnt good for scott

50 Shades of Bone

Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .

who dad

sexin

While others just got boned . . .

tapped

“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”

We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .

wake up stiles

Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”

Scott: “I think it’s mine.”

Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”

Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .

deer

. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .

nommy

“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”

Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .

boyd kicking ass

“Consider yourself haunted.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .

lip quiv

. . . while he tried to sleep . . .

more mist

. . . while he lifted weights . . .

crying

. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .

misty eye

. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .

confused liam

Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.

Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..

With one or two exceptions.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]

Third Eye Not-So Blind

You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous.   You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!

not enjoying self lets talk about food

You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.

T.J. Jagodowski, left, and Peter Grosz, right wendys girl

JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?

still talking about eating you so hungry

I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?

diet time eatus interruptus damnit

we all go a little

The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?

I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!

samuel jack

I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!

bad x men

And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and  Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .

winky stiles

Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .

crazy huose head wound yucki see you

BabyScared

WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.

lets talk about food

“I told you I’d grow on you.  Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”

So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .

der funny face ha

Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .

coma man

If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .

In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .

shouldn't have had beans for dinner

“Is this IKEA?”

Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”

let me talk

lyd screams

And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .

Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)

This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.

money to fondle

So much money fondling . . .

dollar signs

Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .

2 17 elena steals cash moonstone

Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..

sad liam eyes

Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..

what do we do

This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.

under bed

this is me fondling

AWK-WARD!

Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me  . . .

are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.

bloodmoney

Bloody money has cooties  . . . See?  Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”

Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.

kill not confirmed

Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?

creepswack

No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it.   “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”

better take

Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .

yolo der

Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind

Dear Braeden . . .

im back braeden

Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .

I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.

machine_gun_cat

I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .

But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .

what they wear

You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)

sex me now 2

And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .

my day for sleeping

See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”

night gowns

Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex.  To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.

kissin

You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .

cock blocing

But Braeden wears THIS to bed?

her outfit

You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .

118247_521

Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .

Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”

Perhaps, she was saying . . .

fashio pol

“FASHION POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!”

Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .

Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .

Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .

2 9warblers

Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .

tvb matty pointless times

And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!

Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .

tvb sad matty

Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .

more mist hey there sleepyhead

“Hey there, Lonely Boy.  I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”

I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .

lols

crying

can i spot you

“Need a spotter, Liam?”

Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .

Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .

 

time to experiment

Hey, it could happen. . .

In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .

this guy dad

This guy!

It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!

dancing stiles again

It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .

Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .

deer eat

“Bambi’s Mother . . .”

Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .

bambi

But hey, pizza is good too . . .

pizza-delivery-boy

The date to end all dates, literally. . .

Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .

Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .

moto

Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .

smack lick

Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex .  . .”

ephemeral

I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .

He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .

bad date she does it ights them all

“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work.  Starting riding!”

Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .

borrow money

The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .

(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)

really sexin party crash off to church

“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”

blue balls

In which everyone gets pep talks . . .

“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”

trust alph

“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”

trust alph 2

“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”

“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”

pensive lia

Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?

nodding oh yeah

Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.

pete and ma

evil peter pan

“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”

drinking to get

“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”

Hey, has anyone seen Scott?  Or Kira?  Uh-oh!

Speaking of Peter . . .

It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .

finding stuff berserklooking good peter hale

But then, suddenly, this happens . . .

not having fun

. . . and this happens . . .

still not

. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.

reallly not

There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .

got nothing

(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)

But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .

helping parrish

He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)

And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.”  (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)

teen wolf hunters

know about allison

“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”

demons die

“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.

“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .

“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”

phoenix

And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .

Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .

Rise Darth Berserker!

Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .

at the chruch

OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)

heres my motive

“I hate Scott, basically.   He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”

Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid.   It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.

always been the alpha

That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .

Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?

i got you a hat like mine

“Hey, check it out!  Matching hats!  We’re twinsies!”

this isnt good

Oooooh . . . that’s cold.

Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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While You Were Sleeping – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Monstrous”

While_You_Were_Sleeping_000

coma face

someone scratch my nose

Question: What valuable life lesson can be gleaned from both the adorkable mid-nineties romantic coma comedy While You Were Sleeping and this past week’s installment of Teen Wolf?

Answer: They both teach us that comatose thirty-somethings named Peter with disturbingly expressive (sometimes frightening) eyebrows have the power to provide purpose in the lives of shy, socially awkward girls, who make questionable hair care choices . . .

143338__while_l

. . . but only while mid-coma.

never talked

Poor Meredith Walker! If she had only shared her hospital room with The Dad from The O.C. instead of The Gorilla thing from Season 1, her life would be so much less complicated right now . . .

very sexual beings

This week’s installment of Teen Wolf was equal parts satisfying and frustrating . . .

Satisfying, because our oddly loveable Benefactor has finally revealed her motivations for mass murder, and they are, if not entirely understandable (Who recorded all those tapes? How exactly did Meredith manage to control a 70’s era computer program WITH HER MIND?), at least weirdly sympathetic. (If we had to listen 24-7 to the dream-state ramblings of a scarfaced wackadoo with seemingly czarists designs on his easily extorted upper class town, we’d want some heads to roll too . . . )

smirky

Frustrating because . . . HUH?

no idea what im doing

I mean talk about a Deus Ex Machina! This was literally a case where there appeared to be an actual ghost in the machine . . .

ghostbusters

. . . who pretty much controlled everything bad that happened to the characters throughout the entire season. . .

mischeivous stiles

Our heroes then discovered that ghost almost entirely by accident . . .

the dead pool

. . . and then, sometime around the 50 minute mark of the episode, that ghost just got tired and went home.

all contracts terminated

But hey, at least Scott’s Wolf Facelift looked cool, right?

wolf face

nodding oh yeah

Let’s review shall we?

[As always a big hearty thanks to my screencapping pal Andre, who is 100% immune to the charms of the sometimes naked (always sexy) Deputy Parrish (WHY? HOW?), but always screencaps him faithfully for me anyway, because he’s just cool like that.]

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This . . .

Don’t you just hate it when it’s pouring buckets of CGI-perfected rain outside, and you just so happened to leave the house/cave (?) without your umbrella?

i hate the rain

“My perm is ruined!”

Don’t you also hate it when it’s raining, and you are being hunted by an army of black suited militia types with laser guns?

think anyone will find us

“Think anyone will see us?”

there's no place like cave

“There’s no place like cave .  . . there’s no place like cave.”

I know I do . . .

That’s why I always make sure to have my own personal pocket ninja available to defend my honor at a moment’s notice . . .

kira battling

Hiiiiyaaa!

(Also, I never leave home without my umbrella . . . well . . . almost never.)

Speaking of pocket-sized things one should never leave home without . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of Teeny Wolf

I think a part of Scott assumed that the second he turned Liam (accidental or not), the latter would immediately become his fashionable accessory for always . . . not unlike one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs . . .

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

“Yo quiero ser Scrappy Doo . . .

Scrappy%20Doo

. . . a permanent guest on the back of his motorcycle . . .

moto

. . . the permanent squire to his knight, during Weekly Werewolf Fight Time . . .

doing the wolf dance

. . . a permanent awkward third wheel on his kissy face dates with Kira . . .

smack lick

confused liam

Unfortunately for Scott, Liam doesn’t seem to really be feeling his purse dog status. (Though he’s sure got those puppy dog eyes down pat.)

got the sads liam

The thing about supernatural TV shows is that they tend to require an Audience Surrogate character to keep things grounded . . . someone with the ability to say the type of things you or I would say when placed in the ridiculous supernatural situations the Scooby Gang gets placed in each week . . .

going to die

profession

Someone to say things like, “Isn’t it kind of weird how so many of our friends die, and the following week we just seem to forget they even existed?”

too soon haha - Copy

And, “This whole Werewolf Curse Thing doesn’t seem like anything that a really good razor, a cough drop, and some Visine couldn’t cure.”

scott dog dish

And, “Where the heck is that really bad techno fight music coming from?”

kung fu fighting - Copy

Up until around Season 3, that person for Teen Wolf was Stiles . . .

stiles approves

But, while the Scooby Gang’s Resident Human is still just as relatable, clever and wisecracking as he ever was . . .you’ve got to admit he’s gotten a wee bit blasé about the whole Mass Murder Thing of late . . .

wake uppppp stiles

. . . (maybe it has something to do with all that time he spent as an Evil Japanese Spirit, with a face wrapped in Charmin Extra Soft)

nogitsune teeth

“Don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

Enter Liam . . .

not like you

He’s new to the Werewolf Game . . .

in mud help

. . . he finds being almost brutally killed week after week a teensy bit traumatizing . . .

hug 1

. . . he believes becoming Lacrosse Team Captain is a bit more reasonable of a goal then Rescuing The World From Evil . . .

freshmen right

In other words, he’s just like us . . .

more drink

(Only slightly younger and much, much prettier . . .)

Anyway, Liam earns some major points cool points from me this week for getting Scott to acknowledge the existence of all his instantly forgotten Dead Friends . . .

love you

sad boyd

dead erica

Bravo, Little Guy . . .

Psycho Killer (Que’st-ce que c’est!)

Ahhhh, Meredith, faking your own death, and then casually admitting to singlehandedly orchestrating the systematic Mass Murder for Hire of what seems like three-quarters of the town of Beacon Hills has lost you a few popularity points with Everyone’s Favorite Authority Figure . . .

she suck

“I’m definitely selling my Team Meredith t-shirt on E-bay!”

Now, they are never going to let you date Isaac . . . assuming he ever returns . . . and/or anyone decides to remember that he exists . . .

isaac scarf

When Sheriff Stilinski’s and Lydia’s feeble attempts to glean from Zany Meredith something resembling a motive fail miserably, they decide to call for reinforcements . . . Deep V-Neck reinforcements . . .

ned a man

lit your fire

Shame on you Meredith! Peter is pretty much old enough to be your FATHER . . . or, at least, her father . . .

drinking to get

But hey, you know what they say . . . a lid for every pot . . . even if that lid is a full-on sociopath with a possible furry fetish . . .

ep 7 alpha popopopculture

Help is on the way . . .

Remember all those Buddhist werewolves who went out into a forest, got poisoned by canine distemper and died?

deadest

They’re baaaaaackkk . . .

wolfs 3 wolfs 2 wolfs 1

that's a lot of people to share one bathroom

“We’re going to need a bigger bathroom.”

Well, some of them, anyway . . .

Scott and Co. somehow locate the surviving members of Satomi’s pack. (It probably helps that they hide in completely inauspicious places . . . like in the center of high school football field.)

But where to put them all?

stefan shrug

I know! How about that adorable hotel the gang stayed at a couple seasons back? That place was swanky!

thanks buddy

Scott, being Scott, decides on a spectacular hiding place for his furry friends . . . a place that no one would ever think to look . . . unless they were a werewolf hunter . . .

argent arms

teen wolf hunters

. . . or a Werejaguar . . .

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

. . . or a gang of trained assassins . . .

shooters

. . . or Peter Hale . . .

peter pan

OK, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t the best hiding place for a family of werewolves (or the second best, or the third best, or the fourth best, or the twenty ninth). But hey, at least they didn’t use the Hale Vault again . . .

der funny face ha

Of course, Scott has barely had enough time to show his new roommates the Argent Arms bathroom when company arrived . . .

battle time

. . . and then . . . even worse company . . .

shooters

Tongue Tied . . .

Meanwhile, back in Death Trap hospital, Stiles is nursing a possible concussion from his most recent Brush With Death . . .

sad hot stiles

Mama McCall asks everyone’s favorite human if he has any dying requests . . .

learn your 80s tech boy

He does.   He wants a tape player . . .

tapes and cassettes

. . . or, as Mama McCall knows them, cassette player.

And so tapes cassettes and the record player make yet another cameo appearance on this season of Teen Wolf.

Next season, phone booths . . .

phone booth

. . . Oregon Trail . . .

look around

. . . and that asshat dog from Duck Hunt . . .

duck-hunt dog

But Mama McCall has other ideas, apart from archaic technological devices, to aid Stiles on his road to recovery . . .

stalia kissing

How about, conjugal visits?

sex me now 2

That’s right, boys and girls. Stiles and Malia are back together . . . and all it took was a few minutes in an antiseptic hospital room . . . possibly reminding them of that time they took one another’s virginity in the basement of another wellness institution . . . The Nuthouse . . . shortly before a possessed Stiles went on a murderous rampage and attempted to assassinate all of his friends . . .

sexing

. . . aka . . . the Good Ole Days . . .

Mystery Date

Back at the Beacon Hills PD, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived . . .

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

FRO . . .

meredith

Meets . . .

DUDEBRO . . .

chillin pete

It’s a showdown of epic proportions. They meet. They exchange pleasantries . . .

BRO RAPES FRO’S NECK WITH HIS GROSS NAILS . . .

heres my story

Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .

You see, Uncle Peter doesn’t seem to remember Meredith at all. (And that fro and those Massive Googly Eyes are not the kind of things a guy like Peter quickly forgets.)

scared peter - Copy

And yet, Meredith remembers Peter VERY well. It seems she knew him back in the day . . . you know . . . before the magical werewolf plastic surgery . . . and the gorilla thing . . . and the whole rising from the dead thing . . .

too late torequest a single discussion whisper

In fact, Meredith knew Peter VERY well . . . so well, in fact, that she was willing to orchestrate a Mass Murder Deadpool, using his money . . . because he ASKED HER TO DO IT!!

*record scratch*

Yup, that’s right . . . Peter Hale arranged for the theft of his own money. He is literally the benefactor of The Benefactor . . .

lunatic whisp crazy rant

. . . and he doesn’t remember one minute of it . . .

The Smoking Gun . . .

Back at Stiles’ house (I guess tonguing Malia cured his concussion after all), Stiles and Malia play around with a tape cassette player to determine whether any additional information about the Benefactor’s source of funds distribution can be gleaned from Lydia’s grandma’s Death Tape.

what do we hear

Guess what? It can! Somehow Malia discovers that the tape in question was actually made at Lydia’s grandmother’s lake house . . . i.e. the creepy place with the white walls and the Really Rickety Tape Recorder.

abstract art

So, Little Red Riding Stiles and the Big Bad Werecoyote take a nice little trip to grandma’s house, where they proceed to listen to the same record player Lydia’s been staring stonily at just about all season. Only this time, they hear something different . . . something Lydia apparently missed . ..

sad lyd

“You had ONE job, Lydia! One job!”

There’s something in the wall!

surprised-face

I wonder what it could be?

Is it? (A) The cast from Sixth Sense?

i see dead people

(B) A band of vengeful Oompa Loompas

oompa loompa

(C) The set piece for every movie involving computers that took place between around 1975 and 1988.

hal

If you guessed (C) you get a cookie.

tombstonecoffin%20cookies_JPG-550x0

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the source of the Deadpool . . .

red light green light

But how did it get there? How did the Benefactor access it? How does it work / distribute funds?

know nothing

Well, Werebangers, hold on to your hats. Because you are about to get the answers to all some almost one of those questions . . .

Pillow Talk

So, here’s how it all went down . . .

Apparently, Peter and Meredith were coma bed buddies, back when Peter was suffering third degree burns from the Hale House Fire, and Meredith was suffering from . . . really bad music?

coma face

Also during that time, Banshee Meredith’s I See Dead People’s powers apparently magically expanded to I Talk To Coma Patients . . .

screaming mer

And Peter . . . well, he was the chattiest coma patient ever . . .

So, chatty, in fact, that he basically wrote the entire plot for Season 4 of Teen Wolf . . . a plot that Meredith wrote down faithfully in her mind.

mer con

You see, Coma Peter was MAD about the Hale Fire . . . mad about what it said about his werewolf heritage, how it made them seem weak and helpless.

supernat

And so, Coma Peter devised a plan in his mind . . . a sort of Darwin Survival of the Hairiest Plan . . . a Noah’s Arc for Were Things plan to rebuild the supernatural nation, by murdering every supernatural being that couldn’t fend for themselves, and (presumably) having the surviving supernaturals engage in a LOT of sex and repopulation pronto . . .

sex again

And then, Meredith, being industrious and only slightly psychotic, immediately upon getting out of the hospital, used her heretofore nonexistence Berserker contacts to steal $170 million from Peter’s Hale vault, her heretofore unused computer knowledge to arrange for a complex wire transfer system to be run out of the heretofore unseen computer in Dead Grandma Lorraine Martin’s wall, and her heretofore unseen anger against “wimpy” supernaturals to arrange for the murders of an entire truckload of them.

not all monsters

When Peter learns about this, he’s of course, wryly amused and slightly smug, as he is when he learns pretty much every piece of information on the show.

smirky peter

He’s also, as it appears, entirely innocent. Because, if thinking bad thoughts was a crime we’d all be guilty. And if wearing Deep V-Neck shirts was a crime . . . well . . . that’s another story . . .

seductive peter

So, Sheriff Stilinski pulls a gun on Mr. I’m Always the Alpha . . .

bullet in eye

. . . snorts and stirs for a bit . . .

. . . and ultimately lets him live to aimlessly plot the murder of Scott McCall another day . . .

killing scott

. . . And plot the murder of Scott McCall, Peter does . . . big time . . . again . . .

always been the alpha

Fight Fight Fight . . .

Meanwhile, a team of trained assassins ambush the Scooby Gang at Argent Arms . . .

name on our dead pool

And Scott gets MAD! SUPER MAD!

hold up

Almost Gorilla Thing Mad . . . or Gargoyle Smurf Mad . . .

demon wolf

Maybe even Darach mad . . .

darach

Except not quite . . .

And then, just when things start to get really Alpha-y . . .

hold up

Stiles and Malia shut down the deadpool by . . . wait for it . . . turning off the computer . . .

turn off

No seriously, they found a key in some wine bottle and . . . turned it to off . . .

red light green light

Just think, an entire season worth of murders . . . and they all could have been avoided in the same way you fix your laptop when it freezes . . .

stefan shrug

As for Alpha Scott . . . well, better luck next season.

ephemeral

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers . . .

dancing stiles again

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Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s Always the Quiet Ones – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Perishable”

screaming mer

“Anyone got a breath mint?”

You can’t judge a book by its cover. This isn’t exactly new information.   We’ve known this since we were little kids . . . since back when people still read actual books.

half a book about zombies

Of course, not judging a book by its cover is easier said than done. For better or worse, most of us have been raised to make certain assumptions about people, based on limited information. Subconsciously we are taught to believe that pretty people are good, and ugly people are evil. Loud people are strong and confident, and quiet people are meek and submissive. Hot guys with good bodies look good naked . . .

phoenix

Well, that last one happens to be true . . .

Teen Wolf has always been a show that tried to shock its viewers, by flying in the face of these assumptions. But because its viewers are pretty savvy, it has met with limited success in doing so. Most of us pegged Lydia as the banshee, from the first time she opened her mouth to scream.

lyd screams

Photographer Matt was so gosh darn creepy, we pretty much pegged him a kanaima master from day 1.

matt and ma

And “adorkable” English teacher Jennifer fooled positively no one but Derek into thinking she was anything but a Darach in 50’s housewife clothing . . .

evil jenny

I can honestly say that Teen Wolf only legitimately shocked me with its choice of big bad twice in its series run, so far. The first was way back in Season 1 . . .

16_peter

Coma Guy was the one running around in the Gorilla Suit the whole time?

ep 7 alpha popopopculture

I mean, that was pretty friggin brilliant!

smirky peter

The second time Teen Wolf tricked me . . . this past week, in a twist that, if you think about, largely mirrors the Uncle Peter as Alpha reveal of Season 1 . . .

meredith

You would think I would have learned by now . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty banshee scream of thanks to my pack pal Andre for providing all the glorious screencaps you see here. This is a guy you can trust. I guy you’d be proud to have alongside you in battle. A guy who would never douse your car in kerosene and watch you burn alive, while casually listening to Jock Jams on his iPod . . .]

singing to ipid

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof!  Woof-woof-woof-woof!”

Kill Not Confirmed

kill not confirmed

In a season of Teen Wolf that has been positively packed with douchebags, I’d hereby like to nominate This Guy as Douchebag Numero Uno . . .

punch

Murdering complete strangers to become a millionaire is one thing. Murdering your friends and colleagues is quite another . . .

monster ariel

Even Evil!Macauley held off on trying to whack fake friend Liam, until he had already dispatched of most of the more anonymous targets on the list. . .

the new class

But not Officer Hank . . . I mean, this guy is just stone cold . . .

1 19 getting colder

. . . stupid. No wonder he’s at the bottom of the payroll at the Beacon Hills PD . . .

First, before murdering a supernatural creature, it might be wise to . . . I don’t know . . . figure out what kind of creature he is first. This way you can avoid amateur mistakes like . . . TRYING TO BURN TO DEATH THE CREATURE WHOSE SOLE MAGICAL POWER IS THE ABILITY TO RISE FROM THE ASHES . . .

burning

the phoenix

“Bored now . . .”

Also, avoid leaving evidence that can be traced back to you, such as, the gas station attendant who saw you purchase FOUR GALLONS OF GASOLINE, moments before that police car burst into flames in an empty parking lot for no reason whatsoever . . . because no one in a small town being overrun by contract killers is going to notice that . . .

surrounded by idiots

And while we are on the subject . . . twist ties? Really?

twist ties haha

“All this trouble just to remind me to put out my recycling tomorrow morning? It’s a little much, don’t you think?”

Nonetheless, I’m actually really happy that Hank did what he did. After all, if it weren’t for this schmucko, us Teen Wolf fans would never have been blessed with the glory of getting to see this . . .

incomig

Let’s watch that again . . .

phoenix

Now, for the most part, our Deputy Parrish has always been a pretty zen guy. But you could understand why Sheriff Stilinski’s stalwart sidekick is feeling a bit grumpy, after having had to suffer the pain of being burned alive, followed by the humiliation of having to walk back to the office in his now soot-colored birthday suit . . .

not happy want to punch

hate you meet fist

Plus, he’s barefoot, and who knows what kind of fetid crap ends up on those Beacon Hills PD floors?

barefoot

BabyScared

Athlete’s foot is no picnic!

And so, for the first time this season, we get to meet . . . Hulk Parrish!

smash 2

“Parrish . . . smash!”

Mommy like . . . a lot.

I hope you like cold prison showers, Hank!

punch

You can’t handle the truth.

Scott and Lydia immediately bring Parrish to Derek’s and Peter’s apartment, probably because Parrish needs clothes, and what the Hales lack in furniture, they make up for in a lifetime supply of deep v-neck muscle tees in every color imaginable . . .

adorable

Scott hopes Derek can tell them all what kind of creature Parrish might be. (Hint: PHOENIX! HE’S A PHOENIX!)

psychic

Unfortunately, Derek’s knowledge of supernatural creatures is limited to were-stuff . . . like

Werecoyotes . ..

malia nails

Werefoxes . ..

fox head

Werelizards . ..

what is a kan

half kanaima jack

Werejaguars . ..

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

Werebears . ..

mama bear

And Popples . . . lots and lots of Popples . . .

popple

And so, Deputy Parrish’s moment of supernatural self discovery is going to have to be put on hold for at least another episode . But on the bright side, wintergreen is a really great color on him . . .

psychic

climb that like a tree badela

Speaking of hidden truths, over at the hospital, a doctor, who I am pretty sure was murdered on the show last season (maybe he’s a Phoenix too?), is not so gently reminding Papa Stilinski, who took a bullet during the whole Parrish/Hank fracas, may have to pay some of his medical bills out-of-pocket.

thought he died

“Pretty sure I was murdered last season by a guy with bugs crawling out of his stomach. But papa needs a new button down business shirt, so continuity be damned!”

Stiles is furious with his father for hiding the family’s money troubles from him. “We are supposed to take care of each other,” he pleads with his father.

take care of sad hot stiles

poor

Here’s hoping when this is all over Derek shares some of the Hale $117 million with the poor little pack friends who saved his ass from death more times than he could count . . .

der funny face ha

Spray and Pray

Clearly, the Benefactor has been unimpressed up to this point with the assassins she selected to rid Beacon Hills of its supernatural population. She needs to expand her horizons. She considers creating a Deadpool Fans Facebook page, but realize that this guy already has one . . .

deadpool

She considers tweeting about it, but sadly remembers that “Dead Girls Can’t Tweet.”

2 2 zombies don't text katie-cassidy

And so, she is forced to settle for good-old fashioned printer bombing . . .

der not on

At least, this way, what she can’t deliver in Dead Supes, she makes up for in Murdered Trees . . .

tree fresh

Banshee People Problems . . .

Like Grandmother like daughter. Apparently, Lydia’s grandmother Lorraine, not only was a banshee like Lydia. She also looked like Lydia . . .

look like lyd and al

Was smart like Lydia (for a female to have a job at a place like IBM back then, must have been a HUGE deal) . . .

3 15 too smart seduced summer

Had an athletic best friend who looked like Allison . . . like Lydia . . .

alli

Predicted, but couldn’t prevent that friend’s death . . . like Lydia . . .

scream for al

And apparently, played a part in making Meredith more bonkers than she was originally . . . like Lydia.

not hap

“No more Justin Bieber, pleeeeeassse!”

 

Banshees Don’t Predict Danger . . .

Elsewhere in town, Derek breaks the news to Scott that he’s more-or-less a born again human. It must be tough for people like Derek to go from a supernatural hot guy who occasionally sprouts unattractive hair from his ears, to a garden variety hot guy . . .

derek body

“I wonder if this will impact my sexual performance . . .”

On the positive side, Derek being human means he’s no longer worth as much money dead! YAYYY!

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

“Let’s go test out that whole sexual prowess theory. What do you say?”

The bad news is that the price on his head got transferred wholesale to Liam . . .

confused liam

“Doesn’t murdering the virgin first violate major movie logic?”

. . .which seems kind of unfair. I mean, how about spreading the wealth, Benefactor? Have you seen Parrish naked? (Clearly you have. I’m starting to think that Banshees get 24-7 live feed access to all murders happening everywhere. It’s like a really morbid version of Big Brother).

handsome thank you

That bod’s got to be worth at least another two mil! Am I right?

5 1 chuck yes

In even worse news, Derek just learned he was the cipher key to open 1/3 of the deadpool. Scott, having an uncharacteristic burst of social awareness, tactfully explains what this might mean for our brooding lone wolf. “You . . . um . . . may be in . . . er . . . danger?”

no idea what im doing

(This is basically like telling someone who is about to have their leg amputated, that the doctor is going to have to make a small incision on their kneecap.)

But Derek has never been one to mince words.   “Screw danger. A banshee thinks I’m going to die = I’m worm food.”

dead derek

The Grandma Code

What was your THING with your grandmother? My grandma was awesome, not going to lie. She took me to the aquarium to see the sea lions (so cute), road roller coasters with me on family vacations, let me stay up late watching TV and eating Tootsie Rolls when she babysat. She rocked.

grans pie

Apparently, Lydia’s thing with her grandma was reading The Little Mermaid . . . the original one, which actually had a really sad ending. (Spoiler alert: The Little Mermaid dies.)

human world mess

But maybe Grandma Martin edited that part out. In fact, I think she probably did, or she wouldn’t be so cool with Lydia calling herself “Ariel” all the time, even though she kind of does look like Ariel. Don’t you think?

ariel as little mermaid

lydia brave tatikatelena

(Slight nitpick . . . Lydia claims she read the Hans Christian Anderson version of the Little Mermaid with her grandmother, not a book adaptation of the Disney film, as Stiles suggested. And yet, actually the name Ariel is exclusively a Disney name. The Hans Christian Andersen book doesn’t bother giving the Little Mermaid a name . . .also coincidentally, it has no Sebastian.

seaweed greener

How on Earth can you have a Little Mermaid without that adorable Jamaican-accented crab? No wonder the story was so depressing!)

Anywhoo, that’s the key to grandma’s cipher code: Ariel . . .

arielkey

More names . . . but no dollar amounts attached to these . . . why? Because they are all banshees, and . . . wait for it. They are all already DEAD!

By suicide, no less . . .

Suicide . . . DON’T DO IT!

Stiles and Lydia pay a visit to our old friend Brunski to get a look at the supposed Banshee Suicide Files. Lydia pays a cool $500 for the privilege. (Did you / do you carry around $500 in your purse in high school? I didn’t. Heck, I don’t carry $500 in my purse now! That’s what credit cards are for!)

money snort

“Smells like early retirement . . . or a date with a hooker . . . probably the hooker.”

$500. That’s a high price to pay for a tazing . . .

tazedelectrifying

Around this time, honorary pack member Parrish figures out that, considering Brunski was the sole witness of all of these supposed suicides, there is a good chance they were less “suicides” and more “murders,” which is super bad news for Stiles, whose name Lydia subconsciously added to her banshee Already Dead Pool just moments earlier . . .

delivered to morgue

Totally Random Dancing

If watching the above-video gave you a headache, congratulations, you’re OLD!

Death by Dubstep.   Well . . . this is new. Back a few seasons ago, only a few select people in Beacon Hills knew that supernatural creatures existed. Now, random cops, security, guards, DJs and other people we’ve never met, are not only aware of, and trying to murder Beacon Hills’ supernatural population, they are also coming up with new and inventive ways to do so that work by culling supernatural creatures out of a crowd . . .

bonfire

See The Chemist . . .

nope drinking tea

And . . . the Really Bad High School Bonfire D.J. . . .

parteee

You know how they have these dog whistles that emit a sound that has such a high pitched frequency that humans can’t detect it, but it drive canines practically bonkers?

scott dog dish

Or that, apparently after you reach around age 20, your ear stops recording high frequency sounds?

Add to this the idea of a dog whistle that can make werewolves intoxicated, and you have the conceit for this week’s Creative Assassin on Teen Wolf . . .

dont dance

Think about how much money you’d save at the bar if it all it took to get drunk was listening to a few minutes of Really Bad Techno?

drinking to get more drink

dance

That would be enough dough to pay for Stiles Eichen House bills AND buy him an entire wardrobe of Sarcastic Phrase t-shirts . . .

drink coffee do good

It doesn’t take long for Scott, Malia and Liam to begin feeling the effects of the crappy Dog Whistle Music. Enter the Security Squad, who decide that the best way to murder unconscious Scott, Malia and Liam is to light them on fire during a very populated bonfire, right in the center of the high school hallway.

done playing

Riiiiight, because lighting supernatural creatures on fire worked so well for their friend Hank . . .

Speaking of Hank . . .

How’s your nose buddy?

punch

Looks like someone got themselves a free nosejob.

Fortunately, Gay Best Friend Mason and New Human Derek become an unlikely duo in this week’s Rescue the Main Characters from Danger Challenge . . .

mighty mouse unplug nap time for suprescue der

Unfortunately, Stiles and Lydia are going to have to wait a bit longer for their Knight and Shining Sexy Pants . . .

Revelations

Hello Brunski, it’s time for Lessons in Villainy 101. When you are trying to murder the witnesses to your crimes through lethal drug injection, (1) it helps not to play a slow five-minute long tape evidencing your guilt in the murder of one of the witness’ grandmothers . . .

douche grun

(2) It helps not to HAVE evidence of your guilt on a mixtape, helpfully labeled with the victim’s name on the front. (Seriously, who supplied the Teen Wolf set with so many mix tapes   . . . 1992?)

gave her a mix tape

focus on my voice

(3) Try to lethally inject your victims outright, rather than babbling on about how and why you’re going to do it, thus giving the hot deputy time to shoot you in the neck . . .

going to be murd

rescue

Silly Dead Brunski. You don’t deserve to be the Big Bad. Clearly you are just a hater of banshees. You aren’t smart enough to orchestrate an entire deadpool.   For that, we would need someone a bit more subtle in their villainy than you . . .

dead brun

Someone awkward . . . someone weird . . . and oddly charming in a freaky sort of way . . . someone who everyone thought was dead, and hence, no one suspected at all . . . someone like . . . .

headphones for mer

MEREDITH WALKER????!!

bad person looking ev

surprised-face

Now, this, I admit, was a genuine shock. Who exactly is Meredith Walker? Why does she hate supernaturals, considering she is one? Why did Brunski say she was controlling him? And is she working with/ or for anyone else?

confused-monkey

So, many questions. And so little time until they are answered. Teen Wolf is set to air in just a few hours, so there’s barely enough to speculate. Only enough time to show you this . . .

and this . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

more dancing stiles

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Dream a Little Dream of Liam – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Time of Death”

Dream

yet another scott face

Greetings Werebangers! This week the Scooby Gang came up with a devious plan to force the Benefactor out of hiding, and possibly get him to reveal his identity . . .

your dream

. . . it failed miserably . . .

crying stiles

. . . also, lots of people slept . . .

not working getting laid this week sleepi more sleep

. . . some people boned . . .

making out wit guns

. . . and Lydia, once again, found herself on an entirely different show than everyone else . . .

lyd back

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the fantabulous screencaps you see here. I most definitely wouldn’t have “visual confirmation” of Derek’s six pack each week without him. Thanks to whatever the heck Kate (or Peter?) did to him, the dude may be less of a wolf than he once was, but he’s clearly just as much Man Meat as he always was!]

Embrace the Little Spoon

The Politics of Bedsharing are arguably the most complicated and highly sensitive points of negotiation, when navigating a new relationship (second only to Matters Involving the Toilet Seat and Where To Hide the Feminine Hygiene Products). Are you a sleeper who requires personal space, while your significant other is a cuddler?   Do either of you happen to be blanket or pillow hogs? Do you have a tendency to kick people in your sleep? Do both of you crave the side of the bed closer to the door, to avail yourself of easy escape in the event of a surprise zombie attack? Does one of you talk in your sleep, or (gasp) snore?

sleep talker

Though Stiles opening sequence dream was obviously less of an actual dream, and more of a nostalgic memory, I enjoyed it for its subtlety, in the same way I enjoyed Stiles’ arguably more plot-relevant dream sequence, which kicked off Season 3A, and cleverly foreshadowed his nogitsune possession.

wake uppppp stiles

At the beginning of the Season, Stiles complained to Scott that Malia had, immediately upon starting a relationship with Stiles, taken it upon herself to become his regular bed mate. He also gripes that Malia has insisted that Stiles consistently function as the “little spoon” during their cuddle sessions.

always little

little spoon

We see that there’s at least a bit of truth to Stiles’ initial complaint, as one of the lone representatives of Team Human on the show tosses and turns in bed, bemoaning how, for years, he slept comfortably alone at its center. Meanwhile, Malia continually insists that his sleeping arrangements have now changed, so he best get used to it. Malia’s matter-of-fact insistence that, as Stiles’ “mate”, she automatically earns the right to sleep in his bed, even if it interrupts his normal sleep pattern, is either admirably feminist, or annoyingly clingy. How you view it, probably says a lot about how you view Malia as a character.

cant sleep not working still not working

The veracity of Stiles’ second complaint is called into question, however, when we learn that, while it is Malia that first suggests the position of Little Spoon to Stiles, he is actually the one likes it best, as it offers him both the ability to have his center of the bed sleep uninterrupted, while offering him the added benefit of his girlfriend’s warmth and affection. As far as Bed-sharing Negotiations go, this one actually seems to have gone rather smoothly . . .

suffocate

(Even if it has caused Stiles to feel a bit neutered by his girlfriend in the process, hence his need to lie to Scott about how the whole Little Spoon thing actually came about . . .)

Dylan wink

“It’ll be our little secret.”

Of course, all of this is basically a long of saying that Stiles has come to rely on Malia’s Big Spoon Comfort to get him through the night. And now that he finally has the bed back to himself, is surprised to find that it feels lonelier and emptier than he remembered . . .

sad and lonely

All together now . . . AWWWWW!

Something Borderline Idiotic . . .

The first time I ever suspected Papa McCall as possibly being a Benefactor suspect was this week, when (1) a ridiculous amount of time was spent on him recapping the events that led to the Chemist’s demise using the phrase “visual confirmation,” (2) an even more ridiculous amount of time was spent on him telling Scott about how the key to murdering dangerous individuals was to become cold and emotionless (and when that fails, drink yourself silly, (3) and then Scott’s dad proceeded to conveniently take himself out of the picture for the entire episode at the precise time when Scott was calling out the Benefactor directly and attempting to meet him face-to-face.

im leaving

Also worthy of note: Papa McCall is kind of hot. The fact that I noticed this around the same time I pegged him as a possible sociopath says a lot about my taste in men . . .

sly

Also on my list of Teen Wolf eligible bachelors . . .

Definite Sociopath #1

lit your fire

Potential Sociopath #2

handsome thank you

Evil Wendigo . . .

conflicted

Nogitsune Stiles . ..

bad stiles more

Nuff said . . .

But enough about me, let’s talk about the Scooby Gang and their self-described “Borderline Idiotic” plan to track down the Benefactor . . .

shutty plan

First, what the Scooby Gang got right.   A spider has eight legs, cut off one or two, and the creature can still survive quite well. If you really want to defeat a spider you have to smush it chop off its head.

think like stiles

And so it goes with the Benefactor and his seemingly endless supply of Assassins of the Week. Up until this point, the Scooby Gang has focused on trying to catch assassins before they made their next kill.
The Mute

haha

The Orphans

the new class

The Chemist

nope drinking tea

profession

But to really protect the folks on the Deadpool, the Scooby Gang has to cut off its source of funding.

counting the money

Now, if I were part of the Scooby Gang, my suggestion as to how to do this would be as follows: fake a convincing death shot of Scott . . .

dead scott

. . . get the money from the Benefactor . . .

benefactor

. . . hire a very good hacker (like Danny) to trace the funds back to their original source . . .

horrible pers horr 2

. . . bring down the Benefactor . ..

teen wolf allison argent stiles

. . . take my friends on a much needed vacation to Tahiti . . .

dancing stiles moon

Now, admittedly, that wouldn’t make for a very good show, which is probably why the Scooby gang decided to NOT show the benefactor visual confirmation of the deceased in order to “cull him out” . . .

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

. . . but “kill” Scott anyway, in a highly risky supernatural procedure, just for sh*ts and giggles   . . .

laughing at all

thumper laughs

Geez! Haven’t they learned anything from the whole Bathtub Death Fiasco of Season 3A?

office space

I think as soon as we heard the plan, most of us Werebangers figured it wouldn’t work. After all, last we checked, the Benefactor wasn’t a moron.   So, even if he did send someone to obtain “visual confirmation” of Scott’s demise (he didn’t), there’s a good chance he’d use a pawn completely unrelated to the whole Deadpool thing . . .

unfortunate plot device

In the Scooby Gang’s defense, the “brains” of their operation was otherwise occupied . . .

sad lyd

Leaving our stalwart crew a bit like an eight-legged headless spider themselves . . .

trust scott

Besides, this episode wasn’t really so much about the Benefactor, as it was about Scott’s unresolved romantic feelings for Little Liam, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

confused liam

Playing Dead . . .

In Season 3A, Scott McCall went swimming in an ice cold bath tub and “died in a bathtub for eight hours . . . waking up with no obvious signs of brain damage (apart, of course, from the brain damage that was there before).

no idea what im doing

But this time around, Scott’s death is going to be by Kira-induced electric shock, which means he only has 45 minutes . . .

light as a feather stiff as a board

“Light as a feather, stiff as a board . . . light as a feather, stiff as a board.”

the closest thing to sex we ever get

“Kitsune-gasm?”

ephemeral

No worries, this gives Scott plenty of time to have not one, not two, but three three homoerotic dream sequences, and some time left over to watch this old movie trailer to get in the appropriate mood . . .

In slightly less cynical news, Scott’s fake death was well done . . .

flat line sad mom

. . . not to mention ridiculously well-acted by Mama McCall, who . . . considering she was in on the act, the whole time, and wailed on cue, like a champ   . . . should seriously consider quitting her ridiculously underpaid and underappreciated job as The Only Living Medical Professional in Beacon Hills Who Isn’t a Total Moron . . . and heading to Hollywood, baby!

In which, Derek and Braeden “Heal Each other’s Wounds” . . . Biblically

Much like the Lydia scenes in this episode, Derek’s and Braeden’s Fun with Guns Sexpisode seemed like it came from a completely different show. (Was Derek left in the dark about the Scooby Gang ‘s plan because Scott and Stiles don’t want to give him and Peter back their money? It’s never really explained.)

der funny face ha

And yeah, Derek’s and Braeden’s “romance” never really had much in the way of “background” or “character development.”

But hey, no complaints here. I’d watch Tyler Hoechlin Wereporn anyday (and twice on Monday nights).

derek dream 2 romy kicks ass derek dream 1 shirtless der

Plus, from a plot perspective, given Derek’s diminished were powers, and the fact that his hand-to-hand combat abilities haven’t really been up to snuff since Season 2, it’s high time our Adult Wolf learned how to a handle a gun and “bend” into exotic sexual positions the rules of combat. Don’t you think?

yeah you are

And who better to be his Sensei then Weapons Expert, Chris Argent That New Chick He’s Boning?

Words with Friends

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Chris Argent and Stiles are engaging in a friendly G-chat with the Benefactor, using the handle “G” (for Guest? Good Guy? Greenberg?)

can we use emojis

“Can we use gravestone and skeleton emojis?”

Stiles argues that the chat could be a bit more colorful, and contain a few more high-scoring words . . .

(He forgets that this is the same guy that calls his secret weapons stash, Argent’s Arms.)

argent arms

When careful prodding doesn’t work, Chris the Badass resorts to threats . . .

talkin

Message sent and received . . .

Argent then wires the security cameras to the Scooby Gang’s laptop, so they can track absolutely nothing the point in time where a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m the Benefactor” casually waltzes into the hospital to take Scott McCall’s pulse . . .

camera

We’ll be back, after this enlightening Dream Sequence Brought to You by Scott McCall . . .

good dreams or bad

Homoerotic Dream Sequence One: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute!

Scott McCall is in the closet. He climbs out. Hooray! (Good for you, Scott.)

crawling  out of closet out of closet

Now, he’s at school, and sees Liam.

my balls my heart

Liam tosses Scott his balls.

testicle left and right

Scott catches and fondles the balls. Then Liam jogs very slowly away from Scott (playing hard to get, I guess, emphasis on “Hard”). Scott chases him.

ball fondling

He finds a laptop in the classroom. The keyword is his name. The targets are The Mute, The Orphans, and The Chemist, all of whom are already dead, so Scott gets no payment for killing them. Liam wants Scott to kill them AGAIN anyway, because homoerotic characters in dream sequences have the memory capacity of fruit flies.

im the key already dead fork you

Scott refuses, so the Mute comes back from the dead, and jams his big stick into Liam hard and repeatedly, thus proving that even ugly deceased Albinos without lips get more action than Scott.

that was fun fork

Snooze you lose, Alpha!

Malia, I am your father the Desert Fox is your mother . . .

Malia breaks into the Hale vault again to visit her bio dad. They bond together by punching walls  . . .

me strong

hulk smash

. . . and reading Malia’s bloody illegible adoption records. Peter promises Malia he will help her find her mother, The Desert Wolf, whose name makes her sound vaguely like an exotic dancer Peter met at a sleazy night club on the Las Vegas Strip . . .

been here my child

It would certainly explain a lot about Malia’s nascent erotic dancing abilities . . .

malia and kir

Speaking of parental bonding . . .

Ashes, ashes, we all fake our deaths!

And here we thought Gerard Argent was the only faux-deceased geriatric in Beacon Hills . . .

funny face grandpa

When Lydia’s mom follows her to the Lake House, the latter attempts to ply her with information about her late grandmother’s connection to late Meredith Walker.

oar you

Apparently, the two were roomies at Eichen House, who shared the same Boy from Sixth Sense tendencies, and possibly a magical mystical Bottom of the Cereal Box Benefactor Decoder Ring?

decod

Lydia’s mom tells Lydia that her grandmother wished that Lydia, specifically, be the one to scatter her ashes on the latter’s 18th birthday. But then, Lydia’s mom figures, “hey, in TV time, my daughter’s 17th birthday was about 3 years ago. So, screw that old coot. Let’s scatter them now.”

ash drop

Lydia dutifully opens her grandmother’s urn and is surprised to find that it’s not filled with ashes at all but with . . . wait for it . . .

mountain ash

Lydia then inexplicably determines that the entire house is made of mountain ash, which any of the Three Little Pigs will tell you is a bad construction idea . . .

PigArt

(In other news, Mountain Ash has just been upgraded to a series regular in Season 5.)

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Two: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute, the Sequel (Now with more fangs and slightly less forking!)

“My what big teeth you have,” Liam muses to Scott, after the latter climbs out of the closet, and fondles Liam’s balls, just like before.

fondle more love it more big teeth

“Do you think it makes me sexier?” Scott inquires, more or less.

“No, it just makes me deader,” Liam replies, as he falls into Scott’s arms, forked again, by the Mute.

dead in arm my time to

Damn Scott . . . so close, yet so far away . . .

Elsewhere in Awake Land, Live Liam is having only slightly greater luck, as he and Kira go to investigate a power outage on the roof, and find themselves facing off against those hulking Berserker things who are boredly kicking their teenybopper asses . . .

ploi here again doing the wolf dance

(Newsflash Kira: The power to electrocute people > the power to blindly wave around a knife and hit absolutely no one, before falling on your ass and daydreaming about your boyfriend, while napping . . . just saying)

more sleep dream make

Meanwhile . . . at the Hospital That Only Main Characters Can Leave Alive . . .

Kira’s mom fights Berserkers . . .

this is awk

. . . and does even worse than Kira . . . Ruhr oh!

And Kate attempts to battle her brother Chris for Scott’s not-quite-so-dead body . . .

pete and kate

But after a little coaxing from her big bro decides to leave empty-handed

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Three: Scott Finally Forks Liam (while the Mute watches)

Out of the closet again . . .

out of closet

But this time, it’s not Liam’s balls that Scott is fondling, it’s his bloody stick . . .

reek

The Mute comes by to instruct Scott on the most effective thrusting motion . . .

appropriate thrust

. .. and then . . . it’s FORK TIME!

hurt a bit that was fun ha

Now, that’s one satisfied Scott!

Alls well that ends . . .

Things happen kind of fast from here . . .

Scott wakes up . . .

awake

The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .

clap for bonus

So are Peter and Kate . . .

smirky peter

Malia returns to Stiles . . .

malia nails

Annnnnd then she leaves again, wondering if sociopathy may be a hereditary trait . . .

Speaking of hereditary traits, apparently the Benefactor may be a banshee and/or Lydia’s grandmother . . . .

awesome lyd pic

Next, week on Teen Wolf . . .

WE FINALLY GET TO SEE DEPUTY PARRISH NAKED, HOORAY!!!!

phoenix

Until then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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