Dream a Little Dream of Liam – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Time of Death”

Dream

yet another scott face

Greetings Werebangers! This week the Scooby Gang came up with a devious plan to force the Benefactor out of hiding, and possibly get him to reveal his identity . . .

your dream

. . . it failed miserably . . .

crying stiles

. . . also, lots of people slept . . .

not working getting laid this week sleepi more sleep

. . . some people boned . . .

making out wit guns

. . . and Lydia, once again, found herself on an entirely different show than everyone else . . .

lyd back

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the fantabulous screencaps you see here. I most definitely wouldn’t have “visual confirmation” of Derek’s six pack each week without him. Thanks to whatever the heck Kate (or Peter?) did to him, the dude may be less of a wolf than he once was, but he’s clearly just as much Man Meat as he always was!]

Embrace the Little Spoon

The Politics of Bedsharing are arguably the most complicated and highly sensitive points of negotiation, when navigating a new relationship (second only to Matters Involving the Toilet Seat and Where To Hide the Feminine Hygiene Products). Are you a sleeper who requires personal space, while your significant other is a cuddler?   Do either of you happen to be blanket or pillow hogs? Do you have a tendency to kick people in your sleep? Do both of you crave the side of the bed closer to the door, to avail yourself of easy escape in the event of a surprise zombie attack? Does one of you talk in your sleep, or (gasp) snore?

sleep talker

Though Stiles opening sequence dream was obviously less of an actual dream, and more of a nostalgic memory, I enjoyed it for its subtlety, in the same way I enjoyed Stiles’ arguably more plot-relevant dream sequence, which kicked off Season 3A, and cleverly foreshadowed his nogitsune possession.

wake uppppp stiles

At the beginning of the Season, Stiles complained to Scott that Malia had, immediately upon starting a relationship with Stiles, taken it upon herself to become his regular bed mate. He also gripes that Malia has insisted that Stiles consistently function as the “little spoon” during their cuddle sessions.

always little

little spoon

We see that there’s at least a bit of truth to Stiles’ initial complaint, as one of the lone representatives of Team Human on the show tosses and turns in bed, bemoaning how, for years, he slept comfortably alone at its center. Meanwhile, Malia continually insists that his sleeping arrangements have now changed, so he best get used to it. Malia’s matter-of-fact insistence that, as Stiles’ “mate”, she automatically earns the right to sleep in his bed, even if it interrupts his normal sleep pattern, is either admirably feminist, or annoyingly clingy. How you view it, probably says a lot about how you view Malia as a character.

cant sleep not working still not working

The veracity of Stiles’ second complaint is called into question, however, when we learn that, while it is Malia that first suggests the position of Little Spoon to Stiles, he is actually the one likes it best, as it offers him both the ability to have his center of the bed sleep uninterrupted, while offering him the added benefit of his girlfriend’s warmth and affection. As far as Bed-sharing Negotiations go, this one actually seems to have gone rather smoothly . . .

suffocate

(Even if it has caused Stiles to feel a bit neutered by his girlfriend in the process, hence his need to lie to Scott about how the whole Little Spoon thing actually came about . . .)

Dylan wink

“It’ll be our little secret.”

Of course, all of this is basically a long of saying that Stiles has come to rely on Malia’s Big Spoon Comfort to get him through the night. And now that he finally has the bed back to himself, is surprised to find that it feels lonelier and emptier than he remembered . . .

sad and lonely

All together now . . . AWWWWW!

Something Borderline Idiotic . . .

The first time I ever suspected Papa McCall as possibly being a Benefactor suspect was this week, when (1) a ridiculous amount of time was spent on him recapping the events that led to the Chemist’s demise using the phrase “visual confirmation,” (2) an even more ridiculous amount of time was spent on him telling Scott about how the key to murdering dangerous individuals was to become cold and emotionless (and when that fails, drink yourself silly, (3) and then Scott’s dad proceeded to conveniently take himself out of the picture for the entire episode at the precise time when Scott was calling out the Benefactor directly and attempting to meet him face-to-face.

im leaving

Also worthy of note: Papa McCall is kind of hot. The fact that I noticed this around the same time I pegged him as a possible sociopath says a lot about my taste in men . . .

sly

Also on my list of Teen Wolf eligible bachelors . . .

Definite Sociopath #1

lit your fire

Potential Sociopath #2

handsome thank you

Evil Wendigo . . .

conflicted

Nogitsune Stiles . ..

bad stiles more

Nuff said . . .

But enough about me, let’s talk about the Scooby Gang and their self-described “Borderline Idiotic” plan to track down the Benefactor . . .

shutty plan

First, what the Scooby Gang got right.   A spider has eight legs, cut off one or two, and the creature can still survive quite well. If you really want to defeat a spider you have to smush it chop off its head.

think like stiles

And so it goes with the Benefactor and his seemingly endless supply of Assassins of the Week. Up until this point, the Scooby Gang has focused on trying to catch assassins before they made their next kill.
The Mute

haha

The Orphans

the new class

The Chemist

nope drinking tea

profession

But to really protect the folks on the Deadpool, the Scooby Gang has to cut off its source of funding.

counting the money

Now, if I were part of the Scooby Gang, my suggestion as to how to do this would be as follows: fake a convincing death shot of Scott . . .

dead scott

. . . get the money from the Benefactor . . .

benefactor

. . . hire a very good hacker (like Danny) to trace the funds back to their original source . . .

horrible pers horr 2

. . . bring down the Benefactor . ..

teen wolf allison argent stiles

. . . take my friends on a much needed vacation to Tahiti . . .

dancing stiles moon

Now, admittedly, that wouldn’t make for a very good show, which is probably why the Scooby gang decided to NOT show the benefactor visual confirmation of the deceased in order to “cull him out” . . .

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

. . . but “kill” Scott anyway, in a highly risky supernatural procedure, just for sh*ts and giggles   . . .

laughing at all

thumper laughs

Geez! Haven’t they learned anything from the whole Bathtub Death Fiasco of Season 3A?

office space

I think as soon as we heard the plan, most of us Werebangers figured it wouldn’t work. After all, last we checked, the Benefactor wasn’t a moron.   So, even if he did send someone to obtain “visual confirmation” of Scott’s demise (he didn’t), there’s a good chance he’d use a pawn completely unrelated to the whole Deadpool thing . . .

unfortunate plot device

In the Scooby Gang’s defense, the “brains” of their operation was otherwise occupied . . .

sad lyd

Leaving our stalwart crew a bit like an eight-legged headless spider themselves . . .

trust scott

Besides, this episode wasn’t really so much about the Benefactor, as it was about Scott’s unresolved romantic feelings for Little Liam, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

confused liam

Playing Dead . . .

In Season 3A, Scott McCall went swimming in an ice cold bath tub and “died in a bathtub for eight hours . . . waking up with no obvious signs of brain damage (apart, of course, from the brain damage that was there before).

no idea what im doing

But this time around, Scott’s death is going to be by Kira-induced electric shock, which means he only has 45 minutes . . .

light as a feather stiff as a board

“Light as a feather, stiff as a board . . . light as a feather, stiff as a board.”

the closest thing to sex we ever get

“Kitsune-gasm?”

ephemeral

No worries, this gives Scott plenty of time to have not one, not two, but three three homoerotic dream sequences, and some time left over to watch this old movie trailer to get in the appropriate mood . . .

In slightly less cynical news, Scott’s fake death was well done . . .

flat line sad mom

. . . not to mention ridiculously well-acted by Mama McCall, who . . . considering she was in on the act, the whole time, and wailed on cue, like a champ   . . . should seriously consider quitting her ridiculously underpaid and underappreciated job as The Only Living Medical Professional in Beacon Hills Who Isn’t a Total Moron . . . and heading to Hollywood, baby!

In which, Derek and Braeden “Heal Each other’s Wounds” . . . Biblically

Much like the Lydia scenes in this episode, Derek’s and Braeden’s Fun with Guns Sexpisode seemed like it came from a completely different show. (Was Derek left in the dark about the Scooby Gang ‘s plan because Scott and Stiles don’t want to give him and Peter back their money? It’s never really explained.)

der funny face ha

And yeah, Derek’s and Braeden’s “romance” never really had much in the way of “background” or “character development.”

But hey, no complaints here. I’d watch Tyler Hoechlin Wereporn anyday (and twice on Monday nights).

derek dream 2 romy kicks ass derek dream 1 shirtless der

Plus, from a plot perspective, given Derek’s diminished were powers, and the fact that his hand-to-hand combat abilities haven’t really been up to snuff since Season 2, it’s high time our Adult Wolf learned how to a handle a gun and “bend” into exotic sexual positions the rules of combat. Don’t you think?

yeah you are

And who better to be his Sensei then Weapons Expert, Chris Argent That New Chick He’s Boning?

Words with Friends

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Chris Argent and Stiles are engaging in a friendly G-chat with the Benefactor, using the handle “G” (for Guest? Good Guy? Greenberg?)

can we use emojis

“Can we use gravestone and skeleton emojis?”

Stiles argues that the chat could be a bit more colorful, and contain a few more high-scoring words . . .

(He forgets that this is the same guy that calls his secret weapons stash, Argent’s Arms.)

argent arms

When careful prodding doesn’t work, Chris the Badass resorts to threats . . .

talkin

Message sent and received . . .

Argent then wires the security cameras to the Scooby Gang’s laptop, so they can track absolutely nothing the point in time where a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m the Benefactor” casually waltzes into the hospital to take Scott McCall’s pulse . . .

camera

We’ll be back, after this enlightening Dream Sequence Brought to You by Scott McCall . . .

good dreams or bad

Homoerotic Dream Sequence One: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute!

Scott McCall is in the closet. He climbs out. Hooray! (Good for you, Scott.)

crawling  out of closet out of closet

Now, he’s at school, and sees Liam.

my balls my heart

Liam tosses Scott his balls.

testicle left and right

Scott catches and fondles the balls. Then Liam jogs very slowly away from Scott (playing hard to get, I guess, emphasis on “Hard”). Scott chases him.

ball fondling

He finds a laptop in the classroom. The keyword is his name. The targets are The Mute, The Orphans, and The Chemist, all of whom are already dead, so Scott gets no payment for killing them. Liam wants Scott to kill them AGAIN anyway, because homoerotic characters in dream sequences have the memory capacity of fruit flies.

im the key already dead fork you

Scott refuses, so the Mute comes back from the dead, and jams his big stick into Liam hard and repeatedly, thus proving that even ugly deceased Albinos without lips get more action than Scott.

that was fun fork

Snooze you lose, Alpha!

Malia, I am your father the Desert Fox is your mother . . .

Malia breaks into the Hale vault again to visit her bio dad. They bond together by punching walls  . . .

me strong

hulk smash

. . . and reading Malia’s bloody illegible adoption records. Peter promises Malia he will help her find her mother, The Desert Wolf, whose name makes her sound vaguely like an exotic dancer Peter met at a sleazy night club on the Las Vegas Strip . . .

been here my child

It would certainly explain a lot about Malia’s nascent erotic dancing abilities . . .

malia and kir

Speaking of parental bonding . . .

Ashes, ashes, we all fake our deaths!

And here we thought Gerard Argent was the only faux-deceased geriatric in Beacon Hills . . .

funny face grandpa

When Lydia’s mom follows her to the Lake House, the latter attempts to ply her with information about her late grandmother’s connection to late Meredith Walker.

oar you

Apparently, the two were roomies at Eichen House, who shared the same Boy from Sixth Sense tendencies, and possibly a magical mystical Bottom of the Cereal Box Benefactor Decoder Ring?

decod

Lydia’s mom tells Lydia that her grandmother wished that Lydia, specifically, be the one to scatter her ashes on the latter’s 18th birthday. But then, Lydia’s mom figures, “hey, in TV time, my daughter’s 17th birthday was about 3 years ago. So, screw that old coot. Let’s scatter them now.”

ash drop

Lydia dutifully opens her grandmother’s urn and is surprised to find that it’s not filled with ashes at all but with . . . wait for it . . .

mountain ash

Lydia then inexplicably determines that the entire house is made of mountain ash, which any of the Three Little Pigs will tell you is a bad construction idea . . .

PigArt

(In other news, Mountain Ash has just been upgraded to a series regular in Season 5.)

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Two: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute, the Sequel (Now with more fangs and slightly less forking!)

“My what big teeth you have,” Liam muses to Scott, after the latter climbs out of the closet, and fondles Liam’s balls, just like before.

fondle more love it more big teeth

“Do you think it makes me sexier?” Scott inquires, more or less.

“No, it just makes me deader,” Liam replies, as he falls into Scott’s arms, forked again, by the Mute.

dead in arm my time to

Damn Scott . . . so close, yet so far away . . .

Elsewhere in Awake Land, Live Liam is having only slightly greater luck, as he and Kira go to investigate a power outage on the roof, and find themselves facing off against those hulking Berserker things who are boredly kicking their teenybopper asses . . .

ploi here again doing the wolf dance

(Newsflash Kira: The power to electrocute people > the power to blindly wave around a knife and hit absolutely no one, before falling on your ass and daydreaming about your boyfriend, while napping . . . just saying)

more sleep dream make

Meanwhile . . . at the Hospital That Only Main Characters Can Leave Alive . . .

Kira’s mom fights Berserkers . . .

this is awk

. . . and does even worse than Kira . . . Ruhr oh!

And Kate attempts to battle her brother Chris for Scott’s not-quite-so-dead body . . .

pete and kate

But after a little coaxing from her big bro decides to leave empty-handed

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Three: Scott Finally Forks Liam (while the Mute watches)

Out of the closet again . . .

out of closet

But this time, it’s not Liam’s balls that Scott is fondling, it’s his bloody stick . . .

reek

The Mute comes by to instruct Scott on the most effective thrusting motion . . .

appropriate thrust

. .. and then . . . it’s FORK TIME!

hurt a bit that was fun ha

Now, that’s one satisfied Scott!

Alls well that ends . . .

Things happen kind of fast from here . . .

Scott wakes up . . .

awake

The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .

clap for bonus

So are Peter and Kate . . .

smirky peter

Malia returns to Stiles . . .

malia nails

Annnnnd then she leaves again, wondering if sociopathy may be a hereditary trait . . .

Speaking of hereditary traits, apparently the Benefactor may be a banshee and/or Lydia’s grandmother . . . .

awesome lyd pic

Next, week on Teen Wolf . . .

WE FINALLY GET TO SEE DEPUTY PARRISH NAKED, HOORAY!!!!

phoenix

Until then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

owwwww

Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .

(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)

                In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .

so excited sowk7

. . . having another assassin of the week.

yawning

In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie.  While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .

shhhh

. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .

creep

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .

help me please

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]

Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .

We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .

mountain ash again

mountain ash

Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.

nope drinking tea

“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”

(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member.  I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)

counting the money

Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy?  Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?

deadest

I’m going to guess the virus works . .  .

One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that.  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . .  .because he’s looking ROUGH.

grosser

Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .

Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.

what do we do

Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!

studd mufffin drink coffee do good

(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices?   *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)

Evil Planus Interruptus

Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is.  (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first.  After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)

hiding it

 

not what you think

whatchu up to

“I used to hump trees.  I don’t judge.”

 

Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .

the vet ac

“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”

It is a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy night

Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .

eichen house

Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai .  . .

battle it out

Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .

But who is this Black Hooded Avenger?

fighting stance

Is it another assassin?

big gun

Neo?

matrix1

A teenage mutant ninja turtle?

ninja

Nahhh, it’s just this senior citizen . . .

its mee

. . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.

(You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

Test Anxiety

With Daraches, Kanimas, Death Destroyers of Worlds, Assassins without Mouths, and Evil Japanese spirits on their tail each week, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Scott, Stiles and Co. are just your average mid twenty-somethings, who have been playing high school students for the last five years of their lives (two and a half of which has been spent on their ridiculously long junior year).

ephemeral

Enter the PSAT episode . ..

psat

It’s a rite of passage for many a high school drama . . .

we can survive

Most of those high school dramas, however, don’t start their Very Special PSAT Episodes off with a massive outbreak of a deadly virus . . .

sleepig

sleepdrool

Not a hickey . . .

rash

Definitely not a hickey . . .

another rash

Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease.   (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)

touching

Hello?  At least spring for some Purell?

(BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote?  Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)

The Banana Men Cometh

bannana men

Be honest, if the CDC weren’t obviously the terrifying harbingers of Death and Rare Inexplicable Sudden Onset Illness, you’d think they were pretty funny looking, wouldn’t you?

banana

Yellow Space Suit is the NewBlack Big Bird  . . .

Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.  The idea was not so much that having bodily contact with an outcast would cause your body to be infested with some sort of made-up bug, but rather that it would make you also become an outcast, which, to a ten-year old, was a fate far worse than any sort of real or imagined bug infestation.

cootie

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot.

Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere .  . .

I mean, sure, on some level, I think most kids recognize that the concept of cooties is fake and mean-spirited bullying . . . that you can’t become like someone, just from touching them.  But still most of us believed it enough to scoot over in our seats, when the supposedly infected walked past.

can't sit with us

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And while the common practice of Disease Control to treat all exposed subjects as infected, until proven otherwise (even if that means quarantining them together with the already infected, thus ensuring that their likelihood of actually becoming infected themselves is greatly increased), is definitely the smartest method of preventing the unnecessary  spread of disease, it’s also super shitty for the uninfected quarantined, who undoubtedly are made to feel like nine-year olds wrongly classified by their peers as having “cooties.”

I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .

But then, everyone got sick anyway, so that point was made moot . . .

owwwww

 

Sounds like some serious indigestion . . .

In Which Lydia Martin Talks to Stuff . . .

Poor Lydia, it feels as though she’s spent the entire season talking to inanimate objects and not getting a response . . .

listening

“Hello, Record Player.  You look extra special pretty today.  Is that a new turntable?  Does this ponytail make me look fat?”

mer con

“Poor box.  Do you ever wish you were some other shape?  Something less . . . I don’t know . . . boxy, like an hourglass maybe?”

stuff

“I bought you something, empty bottle of old lady perfume!  Look, it’s dead flowers.  I bet you both smell alike!”

Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.  You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish, disappointment and guilt as she ponders questions with no easy answers.

im sorry wish i

Meredith and Lydia were never exactly the kind of girls you’d imagine being fast friends with one another . . .

meredith

Socially awkward Meredith, with her strange taste, odd affectations, and general inability to relate to the general public, was undoubtedly the target of more than her share of “Cootie Rumors” in high school . . .

. . . and they were probably made by girls who looked and acted a lot like Lydia.

lydia smirk

That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another.  And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

creepy

Count on Meredith to cherish a sepia-toned picture of herself taken in the most dull and nondescript location possible .  . .

The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.  Could Meredith have been the secret lovechild of Papa Martin?   I suspect we will learn the answer in the next week or two . . .

Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith.  (And by Magical Powers I mean “talent for fashion and haircare.”)  It might not have saved her life, but girlfriend’s corpse would look totally fierce . . .

awesome lyd pic

Divide and Conquer

When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection, it immediately becomes clear that their symptoms are not the same as the rashes, uncontrollable sweating, dizziness, fever and fainting experienced by the human population.

Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

cant change back

. . . or this . . .

bleeding from fingers

not retract

. . . and most definitely not this . . .

shocking

. . . which, of course, is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.  He simply releases the virus into the air where he assumes supernatural creatures will be, and, before he knows it, they are literally “dying” to reveal themselves  .  . .

This is why Scott and Co. need to go into hiding, like, yesterday . . .

how to get in

. . .not to mention the fact that allowing the werewolves, foxes and coyotes to mingle with the human population in their current state, seems like the most obvious way to expose their identities, not just to assassins, but to the rest of the natural world . . . something they are not quite ready to do.

Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school!  For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device  . . .

sucka

Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault has officially become the new Mountain Ash . . .

But who will open it to let them in?

not telling

I know  . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

opens the door

“Can you open the vault?”  Scott asks sweetly.  “You are the only one here with .  . . um, really long nails . . .” he offers, more or less.

Malia looks dubious, and a bit mistrustful, having determined by now, that, yes, her new friends (and boyfriend) are definitely hiding something from her . . .

malia nails

. . . but she says nothing and complies.

Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

going to die

Smart guy!

You’re Coming Back, Right?

While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

moony

hears

That didn’t take long!”

Deaton finally discovers the source of the virus that is wreaking havoc on the wolf population of Beacon Hills.  Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper .  . .

sad dog

Thank you, Teen Wolf, for teaching me about a new dog disease!

Back at school, Stiles volunteers to leave the vault, and let the massive hordes camped outside the school know that Scott, Lydia, and Malia are OK . . . you know . . . apart from dying a painful death and stuff.

leave mal

Malia makes Stiles promise to come back for her and he does.

All together now . . . awwwwww .  . .

the gift of tp

Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

talk about tea

 

“And it’s filled with vitamins, and antioxidants, and keeps me looking way younger than my 1,000 years of age.”

Hello, Derek!   People are dying here.  Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!

But wait!  Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked.  (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

lightbulb-idea

But how do we get the tea to Scott and co., before they all die, and this show has to change its name from Teen Wolf to Teen Nothing . . .?

dancing stiles moon

Also known as The Stiles Show . . .

Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault!  And why wouldn’t it be?  Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything!  From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

mischeivous stiles

You know what else I bet is in the vault?

mountain ash

Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Visual Confirmation Required

Stiles figures out that Coach caught the virus by “borrowing” the stamp pad used to fingerprint the PSAT test takers, after his red one ran out of ink.

approved

“I was wondering how that idiot got sick?”   The Chemist muses, having gone into full-on villain mode, now that we have less than ten minutes left in the episode, and it’s become clear he’s not going to be invited back for an encore . . .

im evil

Like this guy . . .

waiting

Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.

gun with silencer

 

this sucks shot

“This day could have gone better.  Not going to lie . . .”

Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.  And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.

cryin

“At least now if I croak, I finally won’t have to worry about dying a virgin.”

The Chemist puts a gun to Stiles head and BLAM, Stiles’ face is covered in blood . . .

confused and crying

“Death is wetter and saltier than I imagined.”

. . . but not his own.

plip

“Such a clean death . . .  Must be from all the tea I’ve been drinking . . . *winks before dropping dead, as the Lipton logo appears over his face*”

banana savior

All hail the Banana Man!  This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .

Unmask yourself, Banana Man!

here i am me

 

“It’s MEEEEEE!  YAY!”

Wow!  Was not expecting that . . .

No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood, for what just happened to him (and . . . you know . . . the whole Japanese possession thing), Papa McCall has a message for Stiles from Deaton and Co. . . “Get the mushroom tea.  Save the Werewolves!  Save the World!”

think like stiles

Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time!   (Go figure!)

Fortunately for the Scooby Gang, only blindness (not deafness) is a symptom of canine distemper. And so Scott manages to “smell” the tea, knock it down and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time.  Everyone is saved . . .

gross tea again

Maybe  . . .

More Money, More Problems . . .

Back at the hospital Satomi faces off against another assassin.  This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .

killing matrix dance grr got that was weird

Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..

malia hale

scared peter - Copy

The good news is that Scott and Stiles no longer have to lie to her.  The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

walk out

Ouch . . . that’s cold.

Next week on Teen Wolf, Scott practices a skill most canines know well .  . . playing dead . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

teenwolfmtvstyles

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Death Becomes Them – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Orphaned”

a lot like death

This was a pretty bloody one, Werebangers! It appears that no one was safe from the Grim Reaper’s mighty scythe this week on Teen Wolf ...

Not these rejected extras from the cast of Sons of Anarchy . . .

corp

Or this unfortunate pack of nomadic hippy Buddhist werewolves (who inexplicably cobbled enough money to send one of their own to Prep SCHOOL?) . . .

deader

I guess selling alcohol to minors is a more lucrative undertaking than we thought . . .

hate my job

Too soon?

Not Beacon Hill’s increasingly sparse population of cops (which may be a bit of a secret relief to Sheriff Stilinski, seeing as the entire station house looks roughly the size of a bathroom) . . .

dead guy on floor

Or loveable, possibly autistic, banshees with really cool hair . . .

strang

And certainly not Evil!Macauley Culkin . . .

slice

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

. . . and his EVIL-I-ER girlfriend . . .

deda aga

But all was not Doom and Gloom in this week’s episode entitled “Orphaned” . . .

There were golden farts . . . (which, BTW, are way funnier than clear farts)

gold fart

And happy reunions . . .

face off

And there was hugging . . .

stydia

. . . lots . . .

hug 1

 

. . . and lots . . .

hug pet

. . . of hugging . . .

another hug

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty shout out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here. Capturing all 31 Flavors of Scott McCall’s Confused Facial Expressions is by no means an easy job! But someone has to do it.]

trademark scott face

scott bullet

scott wolfed

ephemeral

There’s Just Something About a Mixtape . . .

More impressive than anything else that happened in this episode, to me, anyway, was the fact that someone on Teen Wolf’s production crew was able to find (1) a store that still sells cassette tapes; and even more shocking, (2) a car with a built in tape deck.

tape deck

Screw the Deadpool! That jalopy Kate was sleeping in was clearly a classic. She could have raked in some serious G’s selling that thing!

And while Kate at least seems old enough that she would know what to do with the strange clear plastic rectangle placed before her while she slept . . .

ep 8 hungry kate

Not born yesterday . . .

I’m thinking the highly specific instructions on the tape . . .

instructions

. . . came in very handy for Evil!Macauley and Co., who probably assumed they had inadvertently stumbled upon the protype for the iPhone 6.

gives me joy

Psst! Jeff Davis, your age is showing . . .

And while I like to consider myself more a descendant of the MP3 Generation (OK . . . so, maybe I’m more of a Compact Disc Child, but there’s no need to point fingers.), I must admit there’s something a bit more personal about a lovingly compiled mixtape, than the “cool playlist” you uploaded to all your Facebook Friends on the cloud last week, in less than three minutes. For one thing, mixtapes make it that much more difficult to ignore your friends’ and significant others’ more idiosyncratic music tastes . . .

gave her a mix tape

“If I have to fast forward through another Justin Bieber song, I’m going to scream!”

crying jess

But I digress . . . a lot . . .

This week’s Teen Wolf episode opens to a flashback to 25 years earlier, when people still used cassette tapes four weeks earlier, when Hobo Kate woke up in a run-down sports car on a rainy night to find a new tape in her heretofore completely ignored tape deck . . .

Undoubtedly eager to hear some new Werejaguar Workout tunes, Kate quickly slips the tape into the cassette deck and presses “play.”

seth wanna play theocalltheway

So, of course, you could imagine how pissed off she is to find that the substance of the tape is much less “Jock Jams” and much more “National Geographic: Werewolf Edition,” complete with the trademark sleepy voice of some guy straight out of central voiceover casting for The Discovery Channel . . .

bad mix tape

Kate’s out for REVENGE!

So, she text messages all her cuddly bear friends . . .

carebear stareee mama bear bear in supermarket

And the group head out on an Assassin Murder Spree . . .

“Who made me this crappy mixtape, that doesn’t include a single song by Katy Perry?” She demands furiously! (Come on, we all know Kate’s a big fan of “Roar.”)

roaring

The Biker dudes are clueless, offering up only the fairly unhelpful informational tidbit that Evil!Macauley received the same mixtape, and was equally annoyed because it included no songs by One Direction.

tok

So Kate and the Bad News Bears eviscerate their asses. (But in Papa Bear’s defense, he at least looks like he feels kind of guilty about it . . .)

hang in there

blood on face

“Poor guy! He had great style. Remind me to ask Mason what gets blood stains out of leather?”

Little Orphan Violet

You ever see the straight-to-video sequel to Annie, where Annie’s slightly less nauseatingly adorable bunkmate Violet gets told by Miss Hannigan to “make these floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building” one too many times, and decapitates her drunk ass with a thermal cut wire, before escaping the orphanage to seek vengeance on evil adults everywhere?

annie

No?

Your loss. That was a damn good movie!

Back at school, Violet gets an evil glint in her eye, when she finds herself getting strong-armed by Deputy Parrish, a.k.a. Jordan Parrish, and it’s not just because he looked so good naked in the promos . . .

arrested

phoenix

He’s on the Deadpool! And worth a cool $5 million.

parrish

Papa McCall takes this opportunity to taunt Violet about her parent-less-ness, as he offers a paternal wink back at his son Scott, perhaps, reminding him that having a “sh*tty, alcoholic, absentee dad,” is way better than having no dad at all . . . kind of . . .

ep 8 mean scott

Meanwhile, over at the Vet . . .

Is it Rabies?   Because it kind of looks like Rabies . . .

cant hold him

Douchebag Brett is naked on Deaton’s operating table.   (Hey Deaton, how are you getting all the hot males to disrobe for you?)   He’s frothing at the mouth, and seizing something fierce. Stiles and Derek are trying to hold him down, but failing miserably, because Kate has kidnapped Derek’s Were Balls, and Stiles is . . . well . . . Stiles.

der funny face ha

out of shape stiles

It just occurred to me that these two haven’t had the opportunity to share much screentime of late, so it’s kind of nice to see them grunting and sweating on each other, for old time’s sake . . .

big sterek 2

Then, Peter comes and clocks Douchebag Brett in the face, like it’s his job . . .

evil peter pan

Derek seems suspicious. Then again, maybe he’s just jealous of Peter’s hypnotic baby blues . . .

wolfing again

“You have beautiful eyes. I used to have beautiful eyes, before I had slightly less beautiful red eyes . . . and then I had beautiful blue eyes again (Sniffle).”

torn up derek 2

Deaton then takes the opportunity to cut into Douchebag Brett’s tummy and emit a noxious gas.

gold fart

Too much Taco Bell?

“Three things that don’t wish to be hidden, the Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” Douchebag Brett chants . . .

Hey, Werebangers, that sounds like the annoying catch phrase of the about-to-be-killed? Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Deaton remarks that the phrase is actually Buddhist, which causes Derek to make the connection between these targeted werewolves, and the only over 18 Asian woman he knows, aside from Kira’s mom . . .

sato

Derek, that’s a little racist. I’m not going to lie . ..

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Back at school, Scott finds Evil!Macauley’s Deadpool stash conveniently hidden in his gym locker. (Dude was a professional assassin, but didn’t think to invest in a safe deposit box for his millions of dollars in Benefactor dough? What a schmuck!)

money bag

dollar signs

Scott then stealthily lies to Liam about finding the money. Though, I’m not sure how he managed to explain to the Beta wolf why, if he “found nothing,” in the killers locker, he still decided to leave the lockers with his massive red gym bag in tow.

no idea what im doing

“I find smelly gym socks a major turn on. It’s a True Alpha thing.”

Also, not to be nitpicky, but with a serial killer on the run, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary police officer think to immediately commandeer all of the contents of said killer’s locker as evidence?

sheriff do not remove

Just saying . . .

Back at the McCall House, Mama McCall is pleading with the electric company to turn her power back on. Apparently, she’s three months late on her bills, despite the fact that she’s pretty much the only employee still alive at the Beacon Hills Hospital. Now, if those aren’t grounds for a major raise, I don’t know what is!

fridge

Not to mention the fact that Scott’s dad, the Big Fancy FBI Guy, has been crashing on the couch for months, basically rent free. Hello? Child support!

5 20 pay back time

All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Scott’s kind of poor, but probably shouldn’t be . . .

Either way, that Deadpool money currently sitting under his bed (and right under Big Fancy FBI Guy’s nose) is looking mighty appetizing to him, right about now . . .

under bed

Friends with (Death) Benefits . . .

The whole dynamic Liam shares with his froshie pals is honestly a bit confusing. We are led to believe that Mason is his adorable gay best friend for life, despite the fact that the two kids apparently didn’t attend the same school until just a few months prior. Maybe . . .

confused liam

(Help me out, Lacrosse Fans. Is this generally a fall sport, or a spring one?   Because we know the season just started.)

Granted, Mason and Liam could have been childhood neighbors, who were lifelong friends, despite NOT going to the same school. But that doesn’t explain the pair’s being supposedly so tight with Garrett and Violet. Two “kids” who seemingly transferred to Beacon Hills High for the sole purpose of crashing Liam’s and Mason’s lame weekly “Movie Nights.”

the new class

“Hey, who is up for watching Teen Wolf 2? I hear the guy from Arrested Development was awesome in it?”

No matter. After the events of this week’s episode, it is pretty safe to say, after the events of this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, the bromance between Mason, Liam and Garrett is DUNZO!

bust

unfriend you

runn blood on groun

“Wait, let me get some salt. It will wash the blood stains right out of this concrete!”

Nothing says, “you are no longer part of my social circle,” like throwing your former pal into a really, really deep water-logged Hole of Schmutz, not unlike the place where James Franco chopped off his arm in 127 Hours . . .

in mud help

can't sit with us

“You can’t sit with us.”

Follow my nose . . .

follow your nose

By the way, did you know that Froot Loops are all the same flavor. As someone who has eaten froot loops, just about every day, since she got her first baby teeth, and literally just learned this five minutes ago, I feel your pain, if your mind has just been blown . . .”

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, Malia fully cements herself as part of the pack, by proudly becoming the last cast member to be inappropriately stalked by Derek on school grounds . . .

your trn

yumm

Since, Derek’s schnoz has been a bit on the fritz lately, and Malia is an old pro when it comes to smelling poo in coyote caves, and fear in lacrosse stands, everyone’s favorite Former Alpha recruits the sassy werecoyote for a little school day game of “Find the Buddhist Were Pack and warn them of impending death.”

Malia is more than happy to go along for the ride, since her boyfriend Stiles spends every even episode with Lydia, and this is one of them.

malia nails

Finding a bullet in the grass leads Malia to determine that Brett’s pack of Buddhist wolves has gone into hiding. (I hope they brought Froot Loops!)

Thinking like her boyfriend . . .

think like stiles

. . . leads Malia to determine that the pack is hiding in place infused with Buddhist meaning . . .the easternmost point in Beacon Hills.

east point

(Congratulations Malia, your nose has officially just become more useful to the Scooby Gang than Lydia’s annoying screaming . . .)

lyd screams

Too bad you and Derek are already too late.

deadest

In your defense, attractive Were-cousins. A pack that thinks lying out in an open field is an effective hiding strategy kind of deserve to bite it . . .

I’m guess Evil!Macauley and Violet poisoned their food supply with the yellow fart wolfsbane?

macaulay_culkin

That sucks. What’s worse, I bet all this could have totally been avoided, if they just ate Froot Loops, like I said in the first place. . .

Amidst the wreckage, Derek finds one lone survivor. Braden the Mercenary . . .

located her

“Well, I’m not technically a werewolf, so wolfsbane doesn’t work on me. Also, I can’t die yet, because you and I haven’t boned, Der Bear. Didn’t you watch the Comic Con trailers?”

“I like you. I’m going to keep you.”

like you

going to keep

Deputy Parrish (Please don’t end up being evil, Deputy Parrish. Because, the way Meredith looked at you, in this week’s scene, it kind of seemed like you might by the Benefactor, i.e. Evil. And I really don’t want you to be evil. You are so pretty!) gains major points with our Scoobies, by (1) having a little self-deprecating sense of humor about his impending demise . . .

5 dollars kill self large

. . . and not being above using a bit of bribery to get Stiles and Lydia into Eichen House, where they will once again seek Meredith’s help in determining which of Lydia’s dead friends was lucky enough to be the code to crack the final third of the Deadpool list.

I think Stiles has even developed a little man crush on the guy . . .

hi stiles

Meredith, however, is slightly less charmed, and understandably so. After all, what good has helping the Scooby Gang got her so far, apart from being targeted by the Benefactor, and berated by the Ginger.

leave me alone

go away

She never even got to bone Isaac, for crying out loud!

isaac scarf

 

I wouldn’t help them if I was you, either Meredith . . .

That said, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as this banshee in making my refusal known. “No means no,” for sure.

strang

But self strangulation, means, “Definitely not.”

(Assuming Meredith actually did strangle herself. Does anyone else smell the possibility of foul play? Follow your nose . . .)

she did

stydia

We’ll miss you, Meredith.   Here’s hoping a smirking Daniel Sharman clone is waiting for you in that big Banshee-Friendly Eichen House in the Sky . . .

meredith

It’s an Evil!Macaulay Kabob (Tastes like Chicken!)

Elsewhere on campus, Evil!Macaulay is engaging Scott in some good old-fashioned blackmail.   “Stop my boo from getting transferred to Alcatraz, and I won’t let your Mini-Me get poisoned to death,” he offers helpfully.

hoodie man

As the two sort-of enemies head out on their dastardly stakeout, we know Scott means business, because he’s wearing a hoodie . . .

I don’t think I’ve seen Scott wear a hoodie in the entire four seasons of this series. I like it . . .

2 9 you hot big

But by the time Scott and Evil!Macauleyreach the car transporting Violet, which is conveniently being chaperoned by Deputy Stilinski and Papa McCall, natch . . ., the Berserkers have already done Scott’s job for him . . .

sleeping

I’d say this car has been successfully stopped. Wouldn’t you?

“Violet’s already gone,” Scott warns.

But Douchey Evil!Macauley isn’t smart enough to take no for an answer, he starts showing off his mad fencing skills to the Berserkers, who, for the record, seem less than impressed. (Of course, that may be because their helmets make it difficult to enjoy all the fancy swordplay to its fullest.)

slice

R.I.P. Garrett, best of luck in Home Alone 7 . . .

Violet, you’re turning Violet!

Upon learning that Kate is responsible for kidnapping Violet, and Violet is the only person left alive (haha), who knows where Liam has been stored, Deaton and Scott call upon Chris Argent, who brings the pair to a place conveniently called “Argent Arms.” Talk about a sh*tty hiding place for someone named “Argent!”

argent arms

Apparently, no one in Beacon Hills ever played the game hide and seek as a child.

“I thought we could do this later,” Kate muses, upon being confronted.

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

That doesn’t mean her and her Bears aren’t up for a fight. And while the Grizzlies don’t quite kill Scott and Chris (because Kate won’t let them) . . .

. . . they do toss them around quite a bit. And Scott gets tossed right into Violet . . .

deda aga

“At least now you can be reunited with your parents . . . and your boyfriend . . . and your boyfriend’s parents. And three-quarters of the cast of this episode. Hey, I wonder if they have Movie Night in Hell.”

Somewhere in Beacon Hills, Mason is coming up with some really great tips to get Berserker Murder Stains out of denim jackets . . .

Coming Soon to a Coffin Near You . . .

Upon determining that the third key to the Deadpool might not be someone who is already dead, but rather someone who will die before the show’s hiatus, Stiles and Lydia quickly uncover the list using Derek’s name, a good guess, seeing as the character has “fake died,” at least twice every season.

derek

A few interesting things to note about the third list. First, it includes Liam, despite the fact that the Teenier Wolf was only bitten a few weeks ago at most, after all this killing started. (You recall, he was bitten when Scott was trying to save him from Wendigo Sean, after the latter was tracked down by The Mute.)

malia hale

confused liam

This means that either the third list was created sometime after the first two, OR that the Benefactor has some Banshee-like powers of omniscience.

Second, the list refers to Malia as a “Hale,” as opposed to “Tate,” the name of her surrogate dad on the show. Malia’s true parentage is particularly rare known fact on this show, one that, at least we are led to believe is still a mystery to Malia herself, her clueless biological father, Peter, and, pretty much, everyone in Beacon Hills apart from The Scooby Gang.

smirky peter

Given that, it seems strange that The Benefactor would be so willing to give that information out to every assassin of supernaturals, within a 20 mile radius . . .

Speaking of Peter, I don’t recall seeing him on the list (did I miss him?), which would seem to make him a prime suspect as The Benefactor, one who could have easily coordinated the “heist” of his own money, and used it to eliminate the supernatural competition, rendering him Alpha Supreme in Beacon Hills.

lit your fire

Of course, a smart Benefactor, who also happened to be of supernatural origin would put himself on the list to avoid such suspicion . . .

Someone like this guy?

handsome thank you

Then again, perhaps, the true Benefactor is someone a bit more surprising . . . someone who has flown a bit more under the radar recently . . . a person whose smart enough to frame a fellow former Teen Wolf villain as his (or her) pawn . . .

gerard scott

mom bat

ep 10 shirtless danny

Just a thought . . .

Here’s Howling at You, Kid!

Right about the time all hope seems lost for Sexy But Illegal Liam, he gives out a howl, leading Scott to uncover his location, and bring him back to Deaton’s for the “golden fart” treatment, just in time . . .

howl

resc

It is at the vet’s office that Scott has his annual epiphany. “No one else should die on this show . . . not even the extras,” Scott announces determinedly.

great power

Yeah, good luck with that . . .

Elsewhere, in a dank, dirty sewer, two rats make a deal with one another. One seeks control and acceptance back into her family fold, despite the monster she has become . . .

take a shower found me pete and kate

The other seeks . . . wait for it . . . POWER.

always been the alpha

Next week on Teen Wolf, everyone gets the Ebola virus and dies.

surprised-face

Nah, I’m just monkeying around.

Get it, monkeying . . . Ebola virus?

eye roll jackson

Too soon?

nodding oh yeah

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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Target Practice – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “I.E.D”

i e d

walking time bomb

Fortune may, in fact, favor the bold, Werebangers.  But only the Bold and the Beautiful.  Not the Bold and the Moronic . . .

surrounded by idiots

Whether you’re an athlete, a writer, a sexual Adonis, or a trained assassin,  dreaming big is admirable.  But starting small will give you much greater odds at achieving success in the long run.

ep 5 running derek

It’s a shirtless marathon, not a shirtless sprint.

Preserve your resources.  Set manageable goals.  Practice.  No sense blowing your load, only to find yourself totally unprepared, just when the stakes are at their highest . . .

going to die

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, our scrappy Scooby Gang each, in their  own way, grappled with  this very important life lesson . . .

Both Kira and Papa Argent learned that flying solo, and not being a team player, can have dire consequences .  . .

fall

Lydia learned that small numbers can lead to large discoveries.

samsung phone

Scott and Liam learned that impulsivity and jumping to conclusions, often leads to bad decision making.

bad scott

And Little Baddies, Garrett and Violet, learned that greedy egomaniacs make for super sh*tty assassins.  Don’t walk before you can run.   And don’t try to kill an Alpha, when a Beta is worth almost as much cash . . .

finish-him-o

Let’s recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big howling shout out to Andre, whose supernaturally brilliant screencapping abilities would undoubtedly garner him a dangerously high rank on the Beacon Hills Deadpool, if the Benefactor was aware of his existence (or enjoyed reading completely obscure Teen Wolf recaps in his or her spare time).]

And . . . another one bites the dust . . .

Poor, sweet, blonde Carrie Hudson.

blonde and soon to be dead

We barely knew yee . . . or yee hand.

stumphand_applause

 Too soon?

For what it’s worth, C-Dog, it was your haircolor that doomed you to death.  Blondes have historically fared ridiculously poorly on this show . . . where it seems that fortune, in fact, favors the brunette . . . and, in some cases, the ginger . . .

dead erica

dead heather

(My personal theory on this, is that Jeff Davis once had a blonde boyfriend, who did him particularly dirty.)

gives me joy

Also, Carrie, not to be rude to the deceased, but at 23, you are most certainly old enough to know not to take car rides, from guys who look like the Mild Mannered Serial Killer / Rapist from pretty much every episode of Law and Order:SVU I have ever seen . . .

creep

swack

big mis

big mistake huge

“The Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” repeat both Carrie the Blonde and DeMarco the Creepy Beer Distributor, just moments before their respective untimely demises?

glowy

More like The Headless, the Handless, and the “just enough cliched pre-death lines to earn you a SAG card   . . .”

Storyboard Time!

the board

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and guess that Stiles’ “red taped” unsolved mystery crime board looks nearly identical to the storyboard currently housed in the writers room at Teen Wolf headquarters.  That said, as far as methods of revealing painstakingly complex plot synopses in a somewhat natural manner go, this one was pretty solid.   As Stiles basically recapped the first few episodes of Season 4 of Teen Wolf to his dad, us fans learned a few new tidbits about the series’ mythology that hadn’t yet been explicitly revealed in the context of the story proper.  For one thing, the code name “Allison,” that Lydia discovered at the end of last week’s episode, only cracked a third of the Deadpool Code.  This would explain why known supernaturals, like Peter Hale, Malia, and Kira’s mom, weren’t on the first list.

big prob

We also learned the reason why Derek’s and Scott’s numeric “value” seemed so much lower than, say, the random wendigo family killed in the first episode.  Basically, the reason is that, unlike the apparently lame wendigos, whose deaths were only worth $250K a piece (chump change), Derek’s and Scott’s decapitated, pretty, but not particularly bright, brains are worth . . . wait for it . . . millions of dollars . . .

dr-evil

Any chance the actual benefactor is Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers series?

Also worth millions dead, and much less alive?  Kira, Lydia, and pretty much anyone else with top billing on this show.  (I wonder if the cast members have tried using their deadpool $ amounts to negotiate their salaries for next season.  Just a thought . .  .)

borrow money

Apparently, all these seemingly random monetary sums are meant to add up to $117 million, which is precisely the amount “stolen” (Though I’m still not entirely convinced that Peter Hale didn’t orchestrate the entire thing.), from the Hale vault at the end of Episode 2 . . .

always been the alpha

Given all that, the task of our Scooby Gang and the Beacon Hills PD should be pretty easy, right?  Decode the rest of the Deadpool, save the lives of a few supernaturals, and/or use them as bait to capture and eventually bring down The Benefactor, thus foiling his (or her) master plan to rid California of hot sexy shirtless folks with bad teeth and really unnatural looking colored contacts . . .

derek alpha

Correction,  it would be easy, if Banshee Lydia spent more time using her supposedly “genius” IQ to crack the codes, and less time doodling and getting hypnotized by record players (which, for what its worth, folks her age shouldn’t even know how to work, seeing as I’m pretty sure that nobody in the world has played a record since sometime in the mid 80’s.)

because i got high

“I was gonna crack the code, but I got high . . . I was going to save all my friends from death, but I got high.  Now, I’m the only castmate left on the show, and I know why, yeah, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high . . .”

My, what a big stick you have!

mad and broody

soulful

“Wise I am, totally platonic, our relationship is . . .”

Promptly stepping into Danny’s shoes as the oddly perceptive (not to mention good at getting unsightly stains out of carpets) “token gay friend,” new guy  Mason casually remarks on how odd it is that Creepy Garrett seems to be lying about where he lives, and Creepy (but hot) Liam is likely on drugs, based on his more-hyperactive-than-usual tendencies,  sudden inexplicable bursts of energy, and Hulk-like strength.  He also brings Liam some Bad News.  It turns out the Beacon Hills lacrosse team is scheduled to scrimmage none-other-than Liam’s old snotty, rich kid, prep school .  . . you know, the one he got kicked out of for vandalizing his coach’s car.

bastard rr

To say Liam is unhappy with this turn of events is the understatement of the century . . .

 . . . and . . . to make matters worse, he heads off to the locker room to blow off some steam, only to find this hot older guy malevolently fondling his stick!

breaking

breaky breaky

“Grrrr!  Get your grubby paws off my big stick.”

Silly Liam!  It was just a tease!  Worry not, because Daddy  Scott has your stick (and your balls) safe and sound in his possession! And they can never be broken, or stroked without your consent!  At least, not on his watch!

here you go

Derek watches this exchange between Wolf Daddy and Wolf Baby and finds it positively adorable!  In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen Derek this happy, since the first time he learned how to use a cigarette lighter . . .

good at this

crazy derek

Elsewhere in school, Kira’s dad also engages in a fatherly display of advice to his daughter.  “I don’t care if someone is paying professional assassins millions of dollars to murder you, playing high school lacrosse is much more DANGEROUS,” he warns.

whats this ish

Orange is the new black, and red is new dead!”

And they say fathers no longer know best . . .

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (It’s not just the punchline to your bathroom jokes anymore . . .)

I’m not going to lie, when Liam admitted to Scott and Stiles that he suffered from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, following a rather tense run-in with his old prep school rival, and an impromptu trip fully clothed into the showers, I thought Stiles was going to hand him a bottle of Immodium or some Gas-X, and call it a day.

firm hand

“Please don’t mind my young friend, Liam.  He may seem angry and unstable, but actually he just suffers from explosive diarrhea.”

But apparently, IED a real DSM-diagnosed disease endured by people with SERIOUS anger management issues.  The kind of people who completely destroy their coach’s car, just because he benched them from a few high school lacrosse games .  . .

anger mang

Geez, and we thought Derek had a knack for picking mentally unstable Betas to join his pack . . .

wolf pack turne

wolf-packphotos

Just kidding!

Liam calmly confesses that the reason he doesn’t take his anti-psychotic meds is that they make him sluggish, and unable to perform well at sporting events . . . It’s actually a common complaint of bipolar patients and sufferers of various forms of schizophrenia.   Manic episodes, for all their inherent danger, are actually oddly pleasurable to mania sufferers.  They make them feel alive, strong, even invincible . . . almost like . . . you know . . . werewolves . . .

scott dog dish

To make matters worse, our Scooby Gang has just learned that (1) Surprise! Blonde Carrie’s killer was a lacrosse player, who cleverly hid his murder weapon inside a lacrosse stick (I guess to prevent fingerprints, or just because he had to one up his girlfriend, whose murder weapons double as fashion accessories, and who has access to rare strains of wolfsbane.), and (2) that killer may or may not be Liam’s “good pal” Garrett.

knife wound

lightbulb

Elsewhere on school grounds, Derek and Chris discuss the inevitable “intermittent explosion” that is were-jaguar Kate, how awkward it will be for Chris to have to basically put-down his own sister, and how inconvenient it is for Derek that Kate has apparently, not only stolen his balls, but also his trusty werewolf powers.

ep 11 the lick

werewolf jail

 This is going to end badly . . .

It’s game time, Lacrosse Fans!  Lets whack around some balls, settle some old scores, and stab some folks with wolfsbane-laced lacrosse sticks . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Wait, what?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kira would gladly enter the fray to help her boy toy Scott, but she just got benched for being a ball hog.  Typical fox!  Always biting off more than she can chew (hint, hint, wink wink) . . .

yip

fall

In the center of the field, tensions are high when Liam majorly clashes with his prep school arch rival, and is badly injured, leading Papa Scott to believe that Sneaky Garrett snuck in and wolf-stabbed his ass.

owy

But nope, just a garden-variety wrist break . . . Scott will fix that right up . . .

ephemeral

Pop!  All better!

Preppy Douchebag, however, is much less lucky . . . because HE’S ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF, AND GARRETT’S TARGET THE WHOLE TIME!

we hot dou

surprised-face

(Phew, that was close!  I thought Good Ole Garrett was actually going to murder someone I sort of / kind of cared about!)

But Preppy Douchebag’s not dead yet.  Instead, the Surprise Beta is sleeping off his wolf poison in the locker room, when guess who comes by to make a bigger mess of things.

wih

Hey Evil Necklace Chick!  It’s time for a Little Decapitation Vacation.  (Here’s hoping she washes that thing in between murders.  Because, EWWW!)

Then, in comes Scott to save the day, causing Evil Violet’s eyes to become blinded by dollar signs.  She turns her nasty blood gunked necklace on the True Alpha, only to have him casually rip it from his neck, which, by the way, is a ten times cooler True Alpha trick than that bubble popping thing he did a couple seasons back.

a little tight

not wearing it

“Listen, for the last time, I’m not wearing your ugly ass necklace, no matter how many times you ask.  I already have a girlfriend!”

nice try bit

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

Preppy Douchebag and Scott are both safe!

hot girl

Evil Violet is down for the count . . .

dance

 . . .  but, unfortunately not dead . . . you know . .. because there are still a few more episodes left in the season, and it’s too early to eradicate her ass . . . I guess.

Meanwhile, over at the Sheriff’s Station . . .

Just Hurry Up and Banshee Already!

Poor Lydia, she’s a popular girl, wealthy, a straight A student.  This is someone used to getting what she wants, be it good grades, great clothes, flawless hair, jocks with big muscles.  She’s not used to failure.  And her new banshee powers seem to be setting her up for nothing but . . .

lydia brave tatikatelena

Vampires, were-whatevers, witches, warlocks, wizards .  . . their supernatural powers are designed to make them winners.  Their resumes include talents like superhuman strength, perpetual youth, light speed, mind control, magic .  . .

stiles with wolf hat

Lydia’s powers make her a screamer, really morbid, and mildly schizophrenic.  They make her an outcast . . . and the fact that she hasn’t yet mastered them, when her friends need her abilities most, just makes this whole thing more of a drag on everyone’s favorite red-head.

lyd screams

And so, it’s time to call for some reinforcements . . .

meredith

Because Meredith is much less grounded in what most of us would call the Natural World (in fact, she gives me the impression of being somewhere on the higher end of the autism spectrum), she’s quite a bit more open and attuned to what appears to be the Banshee Friends and Family Cell Phone Network, which Lydia, unwittingly used to “call” Meredith in her evident distress.  Of course, the Banshee Network doesn’t involve actual phones, a concept “smart” Lydia fails to grasp, when she proceeds to shove an iPhone in poor Meredith’s face and scream at her to “call someone.”

interrog

And because Meredith is not particularly verbal and can’t necessarily explain herself in a way that most non-banshees would understand, she simply does what she’s told, offering up the number to correspond to the answer she sees in her head to the question Lydia is incessantly asking.

2-4-3-3-6

It’s a testament to how brain-fried and frustrated this whole failed-Banshee thing is making Lydia, that the girl who speaks ten languages, and can usually crack codes and translate ancient texts like its nobody’s business (We saw her decode something similar with Stiles using a periodic table to spell out Kira’s name, early on, last season), can’t look past the surface of what Meredith is saying to its hidden meaning.

so mean

Perhaps, that’s also the reason that Malia, who, by everyone’s estimation is much less educated and not nearly as book smart as Lydia, deciphers Meredith’s numerical list almost instantly.  After all, for Malia, a girl who spent half her life as a literal animal, nothing is as it seems.  Everything is code.  Everything has hidden layers, rules, and meanings that she can’t even begin to decipher, despite the fact that her friends seem to understand them almost inherently.

malia nails

“What if its like algebra?”  She posits calmly.  “What if the numbers stand for letters?”

2-4-3-3-6

Aiden

Another code name . . . another dead friend of poor Lydia’s . . . another crack at another third of the list .. . .

what he said

I think someone owes Ms. Meredith an apology, don’t you, Lydia?

sad lyd

Of course, the big reveal here was what most of us suspected, ever since the hot Deputy blustered onto the scene, making strange speeches about how  he was drawn to Beacon Hills, how young he looks for his age (not really . . . looks his age to me, except for the fact that all the teenagers in his town look 7 to 10 years older than they are supposed to be), dismantling bombs like its no one’s business, and speaking about tomahawks, intuitionists, and other things that are seemingly before his 24-year time on Earth.

polite guy

sees jordan

That’s right, Werebangers.  Deputy Parrish is a supernatural.  The question is, what kind?

confused liam

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s a Phoenix.  One who rises from the ashes, each time he dies, always looking exactly the same as he did at his first death.  It would explain his old timey vocabulary, his almost eerily calm manner, and his seeming attachment to death (like Lydia) and fearlessness when it comes to coming in contact with explosives.

bomb squad pic

you look really

handsome thank you

What say you, Teen Wolf Fans?

phoenix

sexy teacher 2

“We Hunt Those Who Hunt Us.”

Not too long ago, Allison posited a new maxim for her much-diminished werewolf hunting family of two.  “We fight for those, who can’t fight for themselves,” she offered.

allison tear heir of slytherin

Papa Chris seemed to like it.  But Allison’s gone, and her maxim did little to keep her alive long enough to see much past her 18th birthday.

conflicted c

And now Chris, truly alone in this world, must answer to the Calavares’ and their old school hunter ways.  Embracing the old hunter maxim would force Chris to betray the same folks who have become his allies in recent days, his surrogate family: Scott, Derek, Lydia, even Stiles, all of whom are now in the position to hunt hunters, must hunt them, in fact, to keep themselves alive.

come to the dark side

“Come to the darkside.  We have pizza . . . and burritos!”

So, which maxim will he follow?

Only time will tell . . . time, and this admittedly awesome trailer for the second half of this season .  . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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Teen-ier Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Benefactor”

freshmen right

Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick.  And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?

hot jackson

If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .

the new class

Not sold yet?  Did I mention the episode involves a Party?

heard party

dancing stiles moon

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]

Tie me up, tie me down . . .

Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .

teeth

dentures-in-water-lg

nap time perpetuall

“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”

Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.

smells like teen spirit

Smells like Teen Spirit.

“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely.  “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”

confused liam

“Who me?  Couldn’t be?”

“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub.  (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)

Soap%20on%20a%20Rope%20thumbnail

The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .

rubber duckie

“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie?  He makes bathtime so much more fun!”

rub my ducky

In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t  over the past three seasons.  (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)

i was going to take a shower

“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!

What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.

behave

“Now you behave!”

da fuck

“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”

(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)

ew face

“Ewwww emotions, gross!”

Liam, apparently, knew this.  (Maybe he has sisters?)  And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.

chair

“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”

“What the heck is your problem, Liam?”  Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality.  (That tub was sparkling clean!  Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)

that went a whole lot better in my head

“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”

Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .

Don’t Worry Peter.   Derek is next .  . .

Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?

looking good peter hale

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”

You know what I do?  I TURN ON LIGHTS!  LOTS OF THEM!  It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .

check out my new outfit

 

“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”

Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .

that stings

“This kind of stings.  Not going to lie.”

What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.  Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered  . . ..

better i know what you

shhhh

Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?

baby simba

50 Shades of Malia

Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend .  . .

not what you think

dont want to know

Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?

chains

chain yank

3 5 chained mike

Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps.  What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps?  A second rate one, that’s who!

Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .

the key

“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!

lydia smirk

In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”

I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Speaking of unseemly scents .  . .


“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving  .  . . Like Herpes, or HPV”

Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . .  .

running man li

“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray?   It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”

So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”

scary derek

But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .

ill be watching you

the gift

4 4 quit stalking

Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .

ephemeral

. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .

walk

fall

party

love it

“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”

You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .

So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?

scott dog dish

wolf pack turne

No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!

After all, it worked out so well .  . . All Those Other Times, remember?

wake uppppp stiles

As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a  She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.

worst party ever

headache

Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t.  Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .

blue eyes

cock blocker

“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit!  They are special genetic anomalies!  And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”

And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house .  . .

floor ruiner

lyd screams

That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .

where da party at

You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house .  . .

more dancing stiles

. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .

secret circle 8 face off

. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .

JOE JONAS, DEMI LOVATO

.  . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?

hey hey hey

Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .

Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .

benefactor

the clue

“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”

Taming the Beast

Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar.  The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face.  (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)

thwack smash

peaceful

Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk.  “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.

this is my happy face

“This is my happy face.”

“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.

winky stiles

Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.

You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy.  I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .

bad hair day

“Bad hair day?”

out of shape stiles

Don’t feel bad, Malia.  After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!

You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.

hate my job

“I hate my job.”

lost my head

“Lost my head.”

Now, that’s just cold!

he had it coming he was overcharging

“He had it coming.  He was overcharging for beer.”

Naughty and Nice

If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason.  He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet.  Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!

nooo

oop

the carpet whisperer

“Have no fear.  I am the Carpet Whisperer.”

Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains.  She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!

abstract art

“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”

Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .

Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.

smack lick

boner

“Eye boner.”

B*tch!  No wonder the kid is pissed off!  Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!

cock blocker

blue balls

Control is Overrated

These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.

confused-monkey

Wait . . . WHAT?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me.  But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.

good stiles

Don’t hate me yet.  Just hear me out.  Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control .  . .

stiles kicks kiras ass

stiles no

Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed.   And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.

If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .

But what do I know?   I’m not a were-anything . . .

abominable snowman

On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .

alpha now

alpha at the window

Maybe  this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .

Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .

gives me joy

I Got Your Text

I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime.  As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .

fight

In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore.  And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites.  But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages .  . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass.  How embarrassing!  SOS!”

beard ba

Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . .  .

key allison

scream for al

That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)

Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.

remain silent

haha

But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .

ass kcik

finish-him-o

finish hi

Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .

large and in charge

Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster.  You’re a werewolf, like me.  (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes.  Remember that, b*tch!”)

you are like e

my hero

my hero

Liam looks vaguely impressed.  Then again, maybe he’s just tired.  He’s had a really crappy night.

So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place?  (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)

stefan shrug

Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?

Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang.  The Benefactor says you’re all going to die!  And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .

dead pool

more dead pool

Sucks to be you!

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Bad Mouth! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Muted”

shhhh

We’ve all been there . . . said something we shouldn’t have said . . .

stiles grossed out

. . . kissed someone we shouldn’t have kissed . . .

malia kisses

. . . eaten something we shouldn’t have eaten.

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

When you really think about it, our mouths are probably the second most trouble-making body parts we have.  (I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out the most trouble-making body part.)

never have sex

In a way, it was kind of fitting that this week’s installment of Teen Wolf starred a creepy mouthless dude, especially considering how all the people on the show with mouths were getting screwed over by them, left and right, throughout the hour.  (Geez, three sentences into my recap, and I’ve already made two sex metaphors.   It must just be one of those weeks .  . .)

3 1 always horny imperial bedrooms

So clean the blood off your pussy . . . cat, leave an “Out to Lunch” sign on your door for the local axe murderer, and, for heaven sakes, wipe that smirk off your face!  It’s time for another Teen Wolf recap.

dancing stiles moon

[As always, a hearty Werebanger Roar to screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who enticed me to research the term Wendigo prior to writing this recap.  (And by "research," I mean type the word into Wikipedia and skim the first two paragraphs . . .)]

Strangers in the Night (Exchanging Chompers)

Now, I know that Mouthless Morty (a.k.a. The Mute) was supposedly only stalking Sean and his Wendigo family to make a few quick bucks, by eliminating some supernatural Beacon Hills residents from “The Benefactor’s” Deadpool.

And yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Guy With No Teeth chose as his first target the kid with a spare set of pearly whites in his mouth, ripe for the taking.  Do you?

teeth

waiting with teeth

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  When we first meet Sean, he’s just your average, mildly attractive, non-cannibalistic, high school boy, sleeping peacefully in his bed with visions of the dead bodies in his basement dancing in his head.  He awakens in the middle of the night, to find that he’s misplaced his pussy  . . .

here pussy pussy

“Pussy Come!”

So, he goes outside to look for her.

hey pussy

 

“Here, Pussy, Pussy!  Come here, Sweet Pussy!”

Silly Sean!  Why would your pussy go outside in the cold, when it has a perfectly warm spot to lay, right in your bedroom?

stiles upward looking

Having given Pussy up for dead, Sean returns to his house, which is pretty swanky . . . not necessarily, high school teacher Kira’s dad’s house swanky . . .

asian inspired house

. . . or Lydia Martin’s (whatever it is her parents do for a living) mansion swanky.  But Sean’s ma and pa are definitely raking in more dough than say Scott’s Nurse, Who Basically Runs the Entire Hospital By Herself Mom, and Stiles’ Only Officer Over the Age of 25 in the Beacon Hills PD Dad.

kind of swanky

(Thus proving that “eating your competition” is, in fact, a legitimate way to achieve the American Dream .  . .)

plague on houses

Anywhoo, Sean finds some telltale paw-sized bloody footprints near the side of his bed, which, in and of itself, shouldn’t be all that alarming to a cannibal, who happens to own a cat.  And Sean isn’t alarmed.  In fact, when he first finds the naughty pussy (named Willow, no less.  As in Pussy Willow?  Seriously!) under his bed, he’s super relieved! That is, until he takes a closer look . . .

shower please

“Anyone got a tampon?”

(Truth be told, nothing freaks out an Alpha Male more than a bloody pussy .  . .)

 As if on cue, immediately upon finding Pussy Willow lying in a pool of blood not her own, Sean hears the horrifying sounds of his family being bludgeoned to death next door.  It’s legitimately terrifying.   Davis has done a good job building suspense in these first few moments of the episode, and is now about to give his Werebangers the payoff we’ve both wanted and feared since the hour began.

And by payoff, I mean a really nice shot of Sean flexing his muscles shirtless . . .

body shot

And also the whole creepy axe murderer stalking Sean through his home, and casually tossing tomahawks in his general direction . . .

bloody tom

. . . but mostly the whole Shirtless Thing.

hubba hubba

“Hello Sean.  I just killed your family.  Do you want to die like them, begging for your life.  Or, do you want to fight?” A Darth Vader-y voice bellows from a laptop that Mouthless Morty has conveniently brought along for this murderous occasion.

internet derek 2

(Morty, it must be said, is an impressively fast typist. having tapped out the entire phrase above in under ten seconds.  If this whole Hitman of Supernaturals thing doesn’t work out, he should definitely consider a successful career as a Court Reporter. Then again, maybe he pre-types his threats before he heads off on his killing sprees . . .)

This is pretty much your textbook case of fight-or-flight response.  Sean, who is played brilliantly by Glenn McCuen, is clearly devastated by the loss of his entire family, but he’s also intensely pissed off.  He hates Mouthless Morty for ruining his life, and would like nothing more than to make him suffer an excruciating death.  But Sean is no dummy (poor pussy-finding skills aside).  As he stands in his bedroom, fists clenched, ready for battle, you can almost see the wheels turning in his brain.  Should I fight?  Can I take this guy out?

conflicted

Nope  . . .

run

Meanwhile, in another apartment for Lost Boys without parents . . .

That’s a lot of money, honey .  . .

Derek and Peter (Do these guys live together now?  Because, last I checked Derek’s loft apartment lacked even a single bed, not to mention a toilet) find themselves across the table from hired gun Braeden, with whom they are in the process of (poorly) negotiating the terms of Kate’s recapture.  Here’s how it goes down.  Derek makes an offer.  Braedan makes a counter-offer that, from the look on Peter’s face is about double what Derek offered.  Derek accepts the offer immediately, and without reservation.

negotiate

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Geez Derek!  Everyone knows you never accept the first offer in negotiations.  Didn’t they teach you anything in Brooding Bad Boy Beefcake School?

derek dream 1

“Ummmm . . .”

Peter is understandably furious, recognizing that now that he is cash poor, he may actually have to get a Real Job based on a resume that boasts only the following skills:

smirky peter

*master manipulator

*the ability to return from the dead

*the ability to look younger than you actually are

*lady killer

*complete lack of conscience

*possible sociopath

*definite megalomaniac

*occasionally (and inexplicably) speaks with a British accent, despite not being British

*looks great in a V-neck

Come to think of it, this sounds like the resume of most CEOs from major Fortune 500 Corporations.  Peter will be just fine.  I don’t know why he’s so worried!

evil peter pan

But then Derek flashes his new golden eyes at Peter, and everything changes.  It appears that, in addition to temporarily kidnapping his manhood, Kate has gone and made Derek a virgin again . . . well, a Murder Virgin, at least . . . (There’s no magical spell in all the land that is going to erase that icky Darach Sex from Derek’s history.)

yellow eyes

darach

Talk about beer googles . . .

Oh Captain, My (Soon-to-Be) Former Captain

Warning:  The actor who plays new-kid-in-town Liam is NOT LEGAL.  (This is not a drill, like back when we were all shamefully crushing on Stephen McQueen from Vampire Diaries, who despite playing a 15-year old, was actually in his early 20’s . . .  thankfully.)

jer 2

its_legal_to_love_

This is real.  If you are over the age of 18, and you are reading this, you are officially not allowed to lust over this . . .

confused liam

not ok 4

. . . or this . . .

yum

no no on

. . .  or this . . .

hey

don't believe 2

Oh, and I almost forgot, blah, blah, blah, this kid is very good at lacrosse, and may put Scott’s position as captain in jeopardy, blah . . .

REMINDER, YOU CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE . . .

bad idea

We know return you to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

Because Human Beings Can Be Serial Killers Too (Who knew?)

So, like I said, if you happen to be under 18 and reading this, Jeff Davis has already generously offered up a new specimen of man crush to you in the form of Liam (because you definitely shouldn’t get too attached to Pussy Willow-owner Sean).

nap

But fear not, Fellow Old Farts, Davis has provided some age-appropriate eye candy to YOU too . . .

new doc

Recognize This Guy?

stefan shrug

No?  How about now?

jer and connor

connor jordan

That’s right, Werebangers, Beacon Hills newest Dr. McDreamy is none other than Connor The Hunter from TVD, who, by the way, seems to be making some pretty blatant Googly Eyes at Scott’s mom . . .

Sorry, Scott’s dad, you just got served .  . .

daddy o

Speaking of served . . . look who is back?

hand on red

“Memba me . . . and my pussy?”

Later Scott’s mom and Stiles’ dad find themselves in the morgue,  dealing with the all-too-familiar sensation of sorting through piles of freshly dead bodies.  Having determined, based on the corpse eviscerations, that the murderer of Sean’s family is actually MAN and NOT WOLF (or lizard, or fox, or were jaguar, or evil Japanese spirit), two-thirds of the adult contingent on this show surreptitiously slap one another five that they won’t be needing to further traumatize their children, by bringing them into this mess . . .

morgue

Haha, that’s what THEY think  . . .

This Means (Sports) War . . .

Back at School, Stiles and Scott unsuccessfully attempt to bully young Liam into admitting he’s a Were-Something.

yooo

“How hairy are you?  Seriously, take off your shirt!  Let me see your body hair?”

What’s the matter Scooby Gang, you’ve never met a Real Teenage Boy who is actually naturally good at sports?

out of shape stiles

No?  Well, than you have reason to fear, because this kid is super attractive (objectively speaking!), super talented, and (gasp) super ready to take your spots as the new lacrosse captain, not to mention, the new protagonist of this show, after you both head off to the dreaded-for-all-teen-shows C-word . . . College.

love college

It’s been a while since this show, has had a good old fashioned Sports Brawl!  So, you have to sympathize a bit with our heroes for showing up at the table a bit unprepared .  . .

threatened sti

In Scott’s and Stiles’ defense, they’ve been a bit distracted, of late, with things like Family Murdering Axe Murderers . . .

. . . not-so-much girlfriends, who are secretly moving, but don’t want to tell you, because you kiss them like you are their grandpa . . .

for sale

. . . Big Spoons, who are REALLY bad at math . . .

math is hard

“1 +1 equals . . . the number of bites it would take to chew off Lydia’s leg?”

And . . . what the heck is going on with this guy’s neck?  EWWWWWWW!

stoma

slurp

gib

Slurp, slurp

When “being himself” leads to Scott totally stinking up the joint in practice, Stiles plays the devil on Scott’s shoulder .  . .

mischeivous stiles

(But not that devil.  Stiles is done with that.  Jeff Davis’ has promised that our hero will be funny again, this year.)

 . . . and convinces our True Alpha to embrace his inner werewolf to secure his position as Captain of the Lacrosse Team . . .

alpha now

He does . . .

 . . . and, of course, it goes badly . . . for Scott and Stiles . . .

going to die

. . . and then, thanks to a friendly wager from Malia, it goes REALLY badly, for Liam . . .

crippl

I’m Bringing Sexual Tension Back . . .

Gun-for-hire Braedan and Musclely Dudebro Derek share all the markings of a film noir romance . .  .

tension

She talks in whispers, impersonates FBI agents, speaks in riddles (and in Spanish), likes to walk around half naked, and wears really right leather pants . . .

half nak

He is tortured, brooding, and looks at people like this .  . .

watching her

too hot tyler

It’s a match made in Beacon Hills Heaven . . .

Elsewhere in sexual tension town, Deputy Hot Pants is casing the joint at Sean’s house, when he finds Lydia “I Smell Dead People” Martin snooping around there.

short skirt

He really likes what he sees . . . (hey Deputy, better make sure she’s 18, first . . .)

18

Then, they find the decaying bodies in the basement, and he doesn’t like what he sees . . . at all . . .

some makeup

“I could really go for some blush and a self-tanner.  Maybe a hot oil conditioning treatment for my hair.  I hear the local salon gives a discount to people who prove they’ve been dead for at least a week.”

 Meanwhile, back at school, Scott tries to awkwardly apologize to Kira for the Grandpa Kiss .  . .

no idea what im doing

blue balls

But then, he finally grows some balls, tells her, he’s not sorry at all, and gives her a Real Kiss . . . with tongue . . .

smooch

“Tastes like kitsune.”

Thank you, Scott, who, in the words of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character in Cruel Intentions, has been pursuing Kira with the speed of a Special Olympic Hurdler.  It’s about damn time . . .

It’s Not Over Yet . ..

With the taste of Scott’s Wolf Tongue still fresh on her lips, and a surprise offer to be the only girl on the male lacrosse team in her hot little fingers, Kira finally finds the courage to tell her parents, in no uncertain terms, that she is not moving back to NYC .  . .

broken

not leaving

“Last I checked, I’m still a series regular on this show!”

In other Girl Power news, Malia learns that the way to Stiles’ heart is not through his stomach . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . or, even through his mouth. . .

ep 6 stiles face aprilroxx

. . . rather, it’s by establishing shared interest in color-coding Mysteries of the World . . .

colored strings

red unsolved

nom nom highlighter

stalia mac

(And the fact that she’s established romantic rival Lydia, as a gibberish writing nutjob certainly doesn’t hurt . . .)

(Note: If you recall, the notes in Lydia’s notebook are a near perfect match to the ones that popped up on Mouthless Morty’s computer, when he was doing that creepy neck blood transfusion thing, earlier in the episode . . .)

nodding oh yeah

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

After a quick warning from Lydia, Scott quickly learns that adorable Sean is a two-eyed, two-rows-of-teeth, nice abs, people eater, whose already devoured a deputy, and now has his sights on Scott’s mom.

red eye scott

It’s ALPHA TIME!

bigger bubble

Time to pop those bubbles again!

Scott arrives on the scene, just in time to prevent his mom from becoming Wendigo Chow, when dumb Liam hobbles out of his room to investigate some mysterious roaring sounds . . .

bad idea

“Gee, sounds like murder.  I’m unarmed and crippled!  Let’s go investigate!”

OK, Scott.  It’s time to do your hero thing, again.  But this time . . . try not to further injure your fresh meat.  OK?

threat

“I’ll get you little hunky, and your role as Jackson’s and Isaac’s replacement on this show too!”

help

“No way dude!  You’ve already been through puberty!  Much too old.  Don’t worry mini Jackson.  I’ll save you!”

chomp

“Gnom, gnom, gnom . . . tastes like illegal hottie!”

sploog

“Sploog!”

waiting

“Got your back, Alpha!  Give me a call if you ever need another strong and silent type in your pack.”

bit me

“Great!  Now, I’m one legged and one armed.  Thanks a lot, Scott!”

bad scott

So, much for that . . .

When Scott, finds his future boy Friday, Liam dangling from the hospital roof, he gets an unexpected helping hand from Morty Mouthless,who dispatches the last member of the Wendigo family with aplomb, but not before Scott has innocently buried his teeth in little Liam’s wrist, dooming him to a hairy future, where he’ll be forced to shave about two years earlier than he would have as a human . . .

shhhh

pretty-little-liars-poster_398x476

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them doesn’t have a mouth . . .

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

 Foreplay?

And whatever this all is   .  .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Filed under Teen Wolf

How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

torn up derek 2

Before?

baby der

After?

Oh Derek!  You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead!  Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.

enjoy suffer

gives me joy

In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .

derek dream 1

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

ep 5 doing the pullups delenasalva21

. . . to being . . .

sleeping der bear

. . . tortured and emasculated .  . .

red eye der

ep 6 alpha

. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .

awesome der muscle

. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .

im the alpha

alpha now

. . .  outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .

evil jenny

ep 8 hungry kate

. . . your psychotic uncle . . .

lit your fire

. . . the local veterinarian . . .

cryptic vet

. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .

darach

deucalieyes

smirking gerard

. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .

no idea what im doing

(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear.  It could be much, much worse.  You could be . . . Boyd.)

boyd knows

Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .

blue eye der

. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths .  . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.

ephemeral

When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?

nodding oh yeah

But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .

derek sort of

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him.  Because, really, that's just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]

Bring It On 8 – In it to win it chew your face off

Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .

 

wiggle gif

cheerocracy

But, alas, this is not that universe.  In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .

but it hurts

“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

ep 8 more shower scott 2

“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”

make it go away

calcon

“Calgon, take me away!”

While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .

The Potty’s Over

Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?

bathroom at same time

Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes.  And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.

gross bathroom

toilet paper

gameovertoiletBig

Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .

smells fishy

Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business.  But not this guy.  This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.

come out come out

“Is it because you ate the bean burrito?  I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”

let me poo in peace

“Bean burrito this, asshole!”

And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent.  (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)

die sucker

Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands.  (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)

I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?

eww gross

tells me

LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”

KIRA:  “Wow, you’re good!”

Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going .  . .

Adventures in Wolf-Sitting

When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.

found him

Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

looks young

“Fresh meat!”

While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.

lydia smirk

“Fresh meat!”

Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before.  Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.

And why not?  Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .

ep 5 not watching notebook again

Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right?  The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .

cutting

snip slap

doctor-bot-operation

Then again, maybe not.

You know what this means.  Mini-Hulk?  Smash!

we are your friends

“You can trust us!  We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”

stop slicing me

“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”

awww that hurt

It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .

Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.

check out wolf hickey

“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”

Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.

blue balls

During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia.  Little Spoon, eh?  Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?

always little

little spoon

“Fork me?”

Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons.  They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Speaking of licking things.  Malia, repeat after me.  “Highlighters are NOT food.”

nom nom highlighter

“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”

During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.  Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop.  Ruh Roh!

going to die

Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .

It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode.  Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!

welcome to the old apartment

“Oh look.  Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”

This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having.  Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble.  At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet  . . .

ep 11 the lick

Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .

Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.  There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact.  Then again, I guess that’s the point.   Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

chick flicks baby der

“Like a virgin.   Touched for the very first time . . . again.”

“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers!  Let that be a lesson to you!

Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.  You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense).  Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.

this hunk

Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.

whoare you

“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”

Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.

its not what it looks like

“Have fun, kids.  Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”

Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.

trademark scott face

I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.

derek sort of

But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24th birthday.)

think matt is evil

What would YOU do Wolfbangers?

For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

hi stiles

Hooray!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..

destroyer of worlds

Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?

balam

Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?

draco malfoy facepalm

I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?

sexing

artschool sexy time

Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

The Return of Cousin Miguel

So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?

ep 9 derek stiles

wall smash

Always the Little Spoon . . .

Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?

ep 9 more taking off shirt rachiebeberz

Good times!

And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!

mischeivous stiles

This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.

cousin mig from mex

And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?

la loba tell

Who knew the guy,  who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .

(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)

kiddy kisses

 

mack 2

mackin (1)

In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell.  And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts.  “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right?  Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire?  He inquires benignly.

como se

“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”

Rats!  Foiled again, Scooby Gang.  I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .

big sterek 2

Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Romancing the Tryskelion

They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .

always been the alpha

Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!

After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1.  (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.

foiled

“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.

According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this  . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!

hockey puck toy

Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .

Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

open ses

“Open Sesame!”

place to makeout

“Hey!  Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend!  Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom.  Ooh, I’m sorry.  Too soon?”

Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon.  And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.

save you

Taking off the Training Wheels

The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument.  Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power.  It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .

lucky charms guy

“It’s magically delicious!”

Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion.  Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it.  Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card.  The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!

5 derek 5

And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.

sucka

“Suckaaaa!”

arrh

As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well.  I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy.  Or did she?

coy kate

Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone   . .  .

Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers

Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess.  The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends.   Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired.  This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here?  Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.

mama bear

Papa Bear

mama bear

Mama Bear

bear in supermarket

Baby Bear

That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?

Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang.  And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go.  Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .

bab head massagee swordplay wantmore

“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”

But worry not, Werebangers.   Baby Derek is here to save the day!

figh t off ompress

Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.

rage rage again

He’s baaaaaaack!

This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years .  . .

I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .

yellow eyes

(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)

Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.

It All Comes Down to the Money

In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.

stole my money

(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)

Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far.  Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault.  It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.

carebear stareee

“Berserkers STARE!”

From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!

And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes .  . .

hiya

“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

OK.  Now, I’m legitimately freaked out.  (That poor pussy . . . cat.)

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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