(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

It may be 85 degrees and balmy where you live, but over in Westeros, Winter has returned with a vengeance . . .

That’s right, folks. Game of Thrones is back for its penultimate shortened season. And if this premiere is any indication, these seven hours are going to be pretty darn jam packed. In its just-under-an-hour run-time, “Dragonstone” killed a whole bunch of people (though no one we really cared about, so it’s cool), visited with virtually every single one of its main characters, and featured way more poop than you ever want to see on your favorite HBO drama. Heck, they even managed to throw in a completely random (kind of weird) impromptu Ed Sheeran concert?

Obviously, we’ve got quite a bit of ground to cover here. So, without further adieu, in the fitting final words of Dany Targaryen, from the end of this episode, “Shall we begin?”

Walder Frey Fake?

And she got away with it too, because she’s a meddling kid!

We begin the episode with a character, who, I think it’s safe to say, most of us never thought we’d see again. If you recall, the last time we hung out with Walder Frey. He . . . umm . . . kind of lost his head.

But hey, this is GOT. People come back from the dead as zombies and Jon Snow all the time right? So, why not this old dude, who nobody likes or cares about very much?

Anyway, “Walder Frey” has decided to throw another party for his house mates, even though he just threw one last season. Why, you ask? Because he’s just a wild and crazy fun-loving guy, that’s why!

“There ain’t no party like a Walder Frey Party!”

It’s important to note that something about Walder Frey seems . . . a little off. For one thing. He’s SMILING. I don’t recall ever seeing this character smile. In fact, I wasn’t entirely sure he had any teeth. (You know, because he’s old and stuff.)

Also, Walder Frey has decided to make a BIG SPEECH. He’s thanking all his men for being loyal to him. He’s serving them wine. (But his girls don’t get wine, because EWW girls.) He’s congratulating them on the great job they did murdering all the Starks at the Red Wedding . . . wait, what?

This is the point in the episode where Walder Frey rips off his Scooby Doo mask, and reveals himself to be . . . you guessed it, Arya Stark. In one fell swoop, she’s just murdered the entire Frey clan with a vat of poisoned wine (except for the girls because YAY girls). It’s all part of her extended reign of vengeance against ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO EVER DID CRAPPY THINGS TO THE STARKS, which, let’s face it, is pretty much everyone else on the show.

Arya tells a female Frey survivor to tell all who ask her what happened at this “party” that, “The North Remembers,” before walking out of the castle all cool and slo-mo, like a character out of a Quentin Tarantino movie.

It was a fun scene that left me with just one question. When did Arya, who is probably one of the least verbal Starks, save for Rickon (RIP Rickon) become such a great actress and eloquent speaker? Did they offer oratory lessons at the Burgerless White Castle where she hung out last season?

Then again, Arya did spend two episodes with an acting troupe, which, by Westeros standards, is the equivalent of a degree from Julliard.

Et tu Wun-Wun?

Meera and Bran have finally arrived at the Wall, and manage to gain admittance from Jon Snow’s pals there. But first Bran has to wake up from his nap.

This time, Bran dreams of the White Walkers and their massive army of zombies slowly (but not too slowly, because we don’t have many episodes left, remember?) advancing toward the North. Among this army of zombies is none other than Jon’s loyal giant dearly departed pal, Wun-Wun. It’s a small scene that managed to be both very sad, and very scary at the same time.

In the words of that guy from Jaws, it looks like the White Walkers are going to need a bigger boat . . .which leads me to another question: Do White Walkers even know how to sail?

Sisters, Doing it For Themselves . . . Brothers, Not Too Thrilled About It.

Speaking of the North, Jon Snow, as their newly crowned King ,is rallying the troops to mine dragon glass, and use it to make weapons to defeat the White Walkers. He wants everyone, ages 10 to 60 to be part of this effort . . . including the women. That’s right, boys and girls, Jon Snow is a FEMINIST ICON! We all knew he couldn’t have that great head of hair for no reason!

Some of the men in the crowd balk at this idea. But Lyanna Mormont, that fan favorite, and Tiny Juggernaut of Awesomeness, quickly puts all those dumb boys in their place.

And because she’s probably not going to make it to the Iron Throne, I’m just going to come right out and say it: Lyanna Mormont for President of the United States in 2020! Who is with me?

Speaking of strong women, Sansa is clearly no longer afraid to voice her opinion in a crowd of men. When Jon posits returning the Umber and Carstark castles to their surviving family members, even though the two families recently deserted the North, in favor of fighting for the Boltons during the Battle of the Bastards last season, Sansa aggressively dismisses the idea. She argues that those homes should be diverted to families who were loyal to the North instead. Jon quickly shuts Sansa down his relative’s more draconian ruling tactics, by publicly gaining the fealty of the youngest surviving Umber and Carstark, respectively.

Later Sansa praises Jon’s ability to inspire his men, but cautions him on not being dumb / too trusting like the rest of his family, thereby winding up dead like Ned and Rob. Jon, in turn, not so casually accuses Sansa of being just a wee bit like Cersei, in her new take-no-prisoners attitude.

Off stage left, Littlefinger is just eating up all this seeming discord between the two Starks, laughing maniacally, as he twirls his mustache with his left hand, while mutilating an adorable puppy with his right.

Because Every Queen Needs a Sassy Gay Best Friend . . .

Speaking of Cersei, she’s made a giant chalk map of Westeros on the ground of her castle, so that her and Jamie can play a live action game of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? whenever their hearts desire. Pretty neat, right?

Jamie, to his credit, seems just a wee bit frightened of his sister / lover after the whole “blow up the church and all it’s inhabitants / force your own kid to kill himself” thing. He warns Cersei that if she wants to win the Game of Thrones she needs to make some friends, who she won’t ultimately end up murdering, and STAT.

Enter Gay Best Friend, Euron Greyjoy! He’s the perfect supporting cast member to any Leading Rom Com Queen.

So much sass! So many quippy one-liners! So much shade and so many burns thrown in “straight man” Jamie’s general direction.

This would be the perfect character to provide Cersei with meaningful counsel on (1) how to ditch the recent castoff wardrobe from Hot Topic she’s taken to wearing, since her sole remaining child’s demise, and (2) use contouring makeup to accentuate her cheekbones, thereby maximizing the benefits of her new short haircut!

Those are Jazz Hands!

Unfortunately, when Euron asks Cersei to marry him, she says no. But Euron will not be deterred! He’ll be back . . . with gifts! And everyone knows GBF’s give the best gifts EVER!

Samwell Tarley Knows Some Shit . . .Literally

 

I know you’ve all been waiting on pins and needles this entire hiatus, just wondering how Sam is doing with his . . . books. Right?

Well, I’ll spare you the suspense, anyway. We reunite with Sam at the Hogwarts School for Old and Ugly Wizards to find him shoveling lots of poo. Like seriously, there was an actual five-minute long POO scene in this episode. It was as close as GOT has ever come to a musical montage, but with gagging and poo splashing sounds in the place of actual music. (The Poo Emoji from the Emoji Movie would just eat this shit up, I’m sure! Everyone else, not so much . . .)

“I’m finally getting the media representation I deserve!”

Apparently, when Sam isn’t cleaning bed pans for the elderly, he spends his time staring longingly at a locked cabinet of SECRET BOOKS, and digging into the Spaghetti and Meatballs-esque looking entrails of some dead lady for “science.”

While continuing to make me wish I didn’t just happen to have Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner tonight, Sam chats up a Maester about the White Walkers and how they will most inevitably bring about the apocalypse, yadda yadda yadda. To which the Maester responds that, even when it seems like all hope is lost, the world keeps on turning, and, of course, a franchise as successful as Game of Thrones MUST have some sort of sequel. I mean, no one is just going to throw all that financial away!

So apocalypse probably averted, I guess, maybe?

Oh, and I almost forgot, someone unseen off screen asks Sam about Dany Targaryen’s whereabouts. Then the camera pans toward the heretofore unseen gentleman and this happens . . .

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Jorah Mormont. And either his greyscale has gotten way worse, or he should seriously consider switching to a better brand of moisturizer . . .

In Which Both Sansa and Brienne Swipe Left . . .

I mention this seemingly throwaway scene where (1) Tormund shamelessly hits on Brienne while she’s trying to train Pod to battle White Walkers, while (2) Sansa saltily spurns Littlefingers increasingly insistent entreaties to the dark side, only as an excuse to show you these great memes (thank you, The Nerdist) I stumbled upon, likening Tormund’s and Brienne’s not-so-romance (at least, not YET!) to some of greatest cinematic duos of all time . . .

Speaking of a throwaway scene . . .

It’s Time for a Completely Random Ed Sheeran Interlude . . .

For reasons I can’t even begin to explain, Arya stumbles upon Ed Sheeran (no, I’m not kidding), while he’s giving an impromptu concert in a forest. Ed offers Arya some wine and a dead animal to eat, and asks her what she’s up to later this evening. (Because Ed Sheeran has always had some serious game with the ladies, naturally.)

“I’m going to murder the Queen,” Arya replies honestly.

Everyone laughs. End of scene. I still can’t figure out whether this was actually part of the show, or something that came to me in a fever dream about Game of Thrones . . .

In Which Hound Temporarily Takes Over Bran’s Job For Reasons . . .

“Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memories, of the way we werrrrreeee.”

While chilling with the Brotherhood Without Banners, Hound stumbles upon a cabin where some people he met back when he and Arya were “pals” are now dead. This gives Hound a surprising case of the sads, so he respectfully buries them. Then, he looks into a fire and, for some reason, sees the same vision of the White Walkers that Bran saw earlier in the episode.

“What can I say? I’m the man of everybody’s dreams . . . and hallucinations.”

I don’t know about you, but it just kind of looked like Fire to me. Then again, I never could manage to see the pictures in those Magic Eye drawings . . .

Just a bunch of dots . . .

Dragonstone: It’s Like King’s Landing, Only Dragonier . . .

The episode ends with Dany finally reaching her homeland of Dragonstone. The décor there seems a bit Fortress of Solitude Meets Ikea. It even comes equipped with its very own uncomfortable chair, not unlike the Iron Throne! (Because, apparently, everyone in Westeros absolutely abhors seat cushions!) In fact, the only relatively comfortable looking seat on this entire show was Tywin’s toilet bowl, and we all know how that turned out for him . . .

Worst seat in the house?

Also in Dragonstone, a miniaturized version of that Where in the World is Carmen San Diego map Cersei has in her house. But this one comes with Monopoly pieces, so it’s way more convenient, albeit less aerobic. Dany looks at Tyrion pointedly, and they decide to begin a game . . . the Game of Thrones, of course!

Until next time . . .

 

 

 

 

Bad Girls Club – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Darkness on the Edge of Town”

Who’s the evilest of them all? Three new contenders for the crown arrive in Storybrooke, but the true winner is someone you’d never expect…unless you saw the promos

Teen-ier Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Benefactor”

Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick.  And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?

If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .

Not sold yet?  Did I mention the episode involves a Party?

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]

Tie me up, tie me down . . .

Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .

“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”

Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.

Smells like Teen Spirit.

“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely.  “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”

“Who me?  Couldn’t be?”

“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub.  (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)

The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .

“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie?  He makes bathtime so much more fun!”

In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t  over the past three seasons.  (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)

“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!“

What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.

“Now you behave!”

“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”

(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)

“Ewwww emotions, gross!”

Liam, apparently, knew this.  (Maybe he has sisters?)  And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.

“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”

“What the heck is your problem, Liam?”  Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality.  (That tub was sparkling clean!  Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)

“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”

Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .

Don’t Worry Peter.   Derek is next .  . .

Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”

You know what I do?  I TURN ON LIGHTS!  LOTS OF THEM!  It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .

 

“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”

Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .

“This kind of stings.  Not going to lie.”

What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.  Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered  . . ..

Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?

50 Shades of Malia

Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend .  . .

Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?

Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps.  What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps?  A second rate one, that’s who!

Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .

“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!

In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”

I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making .  . .

Speaking of unseemly scents .  . .

“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving  .  . . Like Herpes, or HPV”

Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . .  .

“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray?   It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”

So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”

But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?

Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .

Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .

. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .

“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”

You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .

So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?

No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!

After all, it worked out so well .  . . All Those Other Times, remember?

As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a  She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.

Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t.  Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .

“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit!  They are special genetic anomalies!  And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”

And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house .  . .

That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .

You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house .  . .

. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .

. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .

.  . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?

Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .

Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .

“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”

Taming the Beast

Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar.  The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face.  (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)

Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk.  “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.

“This is my happy face.”

“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.

Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.

You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy.  I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .

“Bad hair day?”

Don’t feel bad, Malia.  After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!

You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.

“I hate my job.”

“Lost my head.”

Now, that’s just cold!

“He had it coming.  He was overcharging for beer.”

Naughty and Nice

If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason.  He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet.  Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!

“Have no fear.  I am the Carpet Whisperer.”

Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains.  She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!

“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”

Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .

Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.

“Eye boner.”

B*tch!  No wonder the kid is pissed off!  Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!

Control is Overrated

These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.

Wait . . . WHAT?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me.  But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.

Don’t hate me yet.  Just hear me out.  Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control .  . .

Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed.   And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.

If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .

But what do I know?   I’m not a were-anything . . .

On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .

Maybe  this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .

Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .

I Got Your Text

I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime.  As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .

In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore.  And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites.  But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages .  . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass.  How embarrassing!  SOS!”

Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . .  .

That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .

You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)

Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.

But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .

Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .

Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster.  You’re a werewolf, like me.  (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes.  Remember that, b*tch!”)

Liam looks vaguely impressed.  Then again, maybe he’s just tired.  He’s had a really crappy night.

So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place?  (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)

Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?

Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang.  The Benefactor says you’re all going to die!  And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .

Sucks to be you!

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

Bad Mouth! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Muted”

We’ve all been there . . . said something we shouldn’t have said . . .

. . . kissed someone we shouldn’t have kissed . . .

. . . eaten something we shouldn’t have eaten.

When you really think about it, our mouths are probably the second most trouble-making body parts we have.  (I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out the most trouble-making body part.)

In a way, it was kind of fitting that this week’s installment of Teen Wolf starred a creepy mouthless dude, especially considering how all the people on the show with mouths were getting screwed over by them, left and right, throughout the hour.  (Geez, three sentences into my recap, and I’ve already made two sex metaphors.   It must just be one of those weeks .  . .)

So clean the blood off your pussy . . . cat, leave an “Out to Lunch” sign on your door for the local axe murderer, and, for heaven sakes, wipe that smirk off your face!  It’s time for another Teen Wolf recap.

[As always, a hearty Werebanger Roar to screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who enticed me to research the term Wendigo prior to writing this recap.  (And by “research,” I mean type the word into Wikipedia and skim the first two paragraphs . . .)]

Strangers in the Night (Exchanging Chompers)

Now, I know that Mouthless Morty (a.k.a. The Mute) was supposedly only stalking Sean and his Wendigo family to make a few quick bucks, by eliminating some supernatural Beacon Hills residents from “The Benefactor’s” Deadpool.

And yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Guy With No Teeth chose as his first target the kid with a spare set of pearly whites in his mouth, ripe for the taking.  Do you?

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  When we first meet Sean, he’s just your average, mildly attractive, non-cannibalistic, high school boy, sleeping peacefully in his bed with visions of the dead bodies in his basement dancing in his head.  He awakens in the middle of the night, to find that he’s misplaced his pussy  . . .

“Pussy Come!”

So, he goes outside to look for her.

 

“Here, Pussy, Pussy!  Come here, Sweet Pussy!”

Silly Sean!  Why would your pussy go outside in the cold, when it has a perfectly warm spot to lay, right in your bedroom?

Having given Pussy up for dead, Sean returns to his house, which is pretty swanky . . . not necessarily, high school teacher Kira’s dad’s house swanky . . .

. . . or Lydia Martin’s (whatever it is her parents do for a living) mansion swanky.  But Sean’s ma and pa are definitely raking in more dough than say Scott’s Nurse, Who Basically Runs the Entire Hospital By Herself Mom, and Stiles’ Only Officer Over the Age of 25 in the Beacon Hills PD Dad.

(Thus proving that “eating your competition” is, in fact, a legitimate way to achieve the American Dream .  . .)

Anywhoo, Sean finds some telltale paw-sized bloody footprints near the side of his bed, which, in and of itself, shouldn’t be all that alarming to a cannibal, who happens to own a cat.  And Sean isn’t alarmed.  In fact, when he first finds the naughty pussy (named Willow, no less.  As in Pussy Willow?  Seriously!) under his bed, he’s super relieved! That is, until he takes a closer look . . .

“Anyone got a tampon?”

(Truth be told, nothing freaks out an Alpha Male more than a bloody pussy .  . .)

 As if on cue, immediately upon finding Pussy Willow lying in a pool of blood not her own, Sean hears the horrifying sounds of his family being bludgeoned to death next door.  It’s legitimately terrifying.   Davis has done a good job building suspense in these first few moments of the episode, and is now about to give his Werebangers the payoff we’ve both wanted and feared since the hour began.

And by payoff, I mean a really nice shot of Sean flexing his muscles shirtless . . .

And also the whole creepy axe murderer stalking Sean through his home, and casually tossing tomahawks in his general direction . . .

. . . but mostly the whole Shirtless Thing.

“Hello Sean.  I just killed your family.  Do you want to die like them, begging for your life.  Or, do you want to fight?” A Darth Vader-y voice bellows from a laptop that Mouthless Morty has conveniently brought along for this murderous occasion.

(Morty, it must be said, is an impressively fast typist. having tapped out the entire phrase above in under ten seconds.  If this whole Hitman of Supernaturals thing doesn’t work out, he should definitely consider a successful career as a Court Reporter. Then again, maybe he pre-types his threats before he heads off on his killing sprees . . .)

This is pretty much your textbook case of fight-or-flight response.  Sean, who is played brilliantly by Glenn McCuen, is clearly devastated by the loss of his entire family, but he’s also intensely pissed off.  He hates Mouthless Morty for ruining his life, and would like nothing more than to make him suffer an excruciating death.  But Sean is no dummy (poor pussy-finding skills aside).  As he stands in his bedroom, fists clenched, ready for battle, you can almost see the wheels turning in his brain.  Should I fight?  Can I take this guy out?

Nope  . . .

Meanwhile, in another apartment for Lost Boys without parents . . .

That’s a lot of money, honey .  . .

Derek and Peter (Do these guys live together now?  Because, last I checked Derek’s loft apartment lacked even a single bed, not to mention a toilet) find themselves across the table from hired gun Braeden, with whom they are in the process of (poorly) negotiating the terms of Kate’s recapture.  Here’s how it goes down.  Derek makes an offer.  Braedan makes a counter-offer that, from the look on Peter’s face is about double what Derek offered.  Derek accepts the offer immediately, and without reservation.

Geez Derek!  Everyone knows you never accept the first offer in negotiations.  Didn’t they teach you anything in Brooding Bad Boy Beefcake School?

“Ummmm . . .”

Peter is understandably furious, recognizing that now that he is cash poor, he may actually have to get a Real Job based on a resume that boasts only the following skills:

*master manipulator

*the ability to return from the dead

*the ability to look younger than you actually are

*lady killer

*complete lack of conscience

*possible sociopath

*definite megalomaniac

*occasionally (and inexplicably) speaks with a British accent, despite not being British

*looks great in a V-neck

Come to think of it, this sounds like the resume of most CEOs from major Fortune 500 Corporations.  Peter will be just fine.  I don’t know why he’s so worried!

But then Derek flashes his new golden eyes at Peter, and everything changes.  It appears that, in addition to temporarily kidnapping his manhood, Kate has gone and made Derek a virgin again . . . well, a Murder Virgin, at least . . . (There’s no magical spell in all the land that is going to erase that icky Darach Sex from Derek’s history.)

Talk about beer googles . . .

Oh Captain, My (Soon-to-Be) Former Captain

Warning:  The actor who plays new-kid-in-town Liam is NOT LEGAL.  (This is not a drill, like back when we were all shamefully crushing on Stephen McQueen from Vampire Diaries, who despite playing a 15-year old, was actually in his early 20’s . . .  thankfully.)

This is real.  If you are over the age of 18, and you are reading this, you are officially not allowed to lust over this . . .

. . . or this . . .

. . .  or this . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot, blah, blah, blah, this kid is very good at lacrosse, and may put Scott’s position as captain in jeopardy, blah . . .

REMINDER, YOU CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE . . .

We know return you to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

Because Human Beings Can Be Serial Killers Too (Who knew?)

So, like I said, if you happen to be under 18 and reading this, Jeff Davis has already generously offered up a new specimen of man crush to you in the form of Liam (because you definitely shouldn’t get too attached to Pussy Willow-owner Sean).

But fear not, Fellow Old Farts, Davis has provided some age-appropriate eye candy to YOU too . . .

Recognize This Guy?

No?  How about now?

That’s right, Werebangers, Beacon Hills newest Dr. McDreamy is none other than Connor The Hunter from TVD, who, by the way, seems to be making some pretty blatant Googly Eyes at Scott’s mom . . .

Sorry, Scott’s dad, you just got served .  . .

Speaking of served . . . look who is back?

“Memba me . . . and my pussy?”

Later Scott’s mom and Stiles’ dad find themselves in the morgue,  dealing with the all-too-familiar sensation of sorting through piles of freshly dead bodies.  Having determined, based on the corpse eviscerations, that the murderer of Sean’s family is actually MAN and NOT WOLF (or lizard, or fox, or were jaguar, or evil Japanese spirit), two-thirds of the adult contingent on this show surreptitiously slap one another five that they won’t be needing to further traumatize their children, by bringing them into this mess . . .

Haha, that’s what THEY think  . . .

This Means (Sports) War . . .

Back at School, Stiles and Scott unsuccessfully attempt to bully young Liam into admitting he’s a Were-Something.

“How hairy are you?  Seriously, take off your shirt!  Let me see your body hair?”

What’s the matter Scooby Gang, you’ve never met a Real Teenage Boy who is actually naturally good at sports?

No?  Well, than you have reason to fear, because this kid is super attractive (objectively speaking!), super talented, and (gasp) super ready to take your spots as the new lacrosse captain, not to mention, the new protagonist of this show, after you both head off to the dreaded-for-all-teen-shows C-word . . . College.

It’s been a while since this show, has had a good old fashioned Sports Brawl!  So, you have to sympathize a bit with our heroes for showing up at the table a bit unprepared .  . .

In Scott’s and Stiles’ defense, they’ve been a bit distracted, of late, with things like Family Murdering Axe Murderers . . .

. . . not-so-much girlfriends, who are secretly moving, but don’t want to tell you, because you kiss them like you are their grandpa . . .

. . . Big Spoons, who are REALLY bad at math . . .

“1 +1 equals . . . the number of bites it would take to chew off Lydia’s leg?”

And . . . what the heck is going on with this guy’s neck?  EWWWWWWW!

Slurp, slurp

When “being himself” leads to Scott totally stinking up the joint in practice, Stiles plays the devil on Scott’s shoulder .  . .

(But not that devil.  Stiles is done with that.  Jeff Davis’ has promised that our hero will be funny again, this year.)

 . . . and convinces our True Alpha to embrace his inner werewolf to secure his position as Captain of the Lacrosse Team . . .

He does . . .

 . . . and, of course, it goes badly . . . for Scott and Stiles . . .

. . . and then, thanks to a friendly wager from Malia, it goes REALLY badly, for Liam . . .

I’m Bringing Sexual Tension Back . . .

Gun-for-hire Braedan and Musclely Dudebro Derek share all the markings of a film noir romance . .  .

She talks in whispers, impersonates FBI agents, speaks in riddles (and in Spanish), likes to walk around half naked, and wears really right leather pants . . .

He is tortured, brooding, and looks at people like this .  . .

It’s a match made in Beacon Hills Heaven . . .

Elsewhere in sexual tension town, Deputy Hot Pants is casing the joint at Sean’s house, when he finds Lydia “I Smell Dead People” Martin snooping around there.

He really likes what he sees . . . (hey Deputy, better make sure she’s 18, first . . .)

Then, they find the decaying bodies in the basement, and he doesn’t like what he sees . . . at all . . .

“I could really go for some blush and a self-tanner.  Maybe a hot oil conditioning treatment for my hair.  I hear the local salon gives a discount to people who prove they’ve been dead for at least a week.”

 Meanwhile, back at school, Scott tries to awkwardly apologize to Kira for the Grandpa Kiss .  . .

But then, he finally grows some balls, tells her, he’s not sorry at all, and gives her a Real Kiss . . . with tongue . . .

“Tastes like kitsune.”

Thank you, Scott, who, in the words of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character in Cruel Intentions, has been pursuing Kira with the speed of a Special Olympic Hurdler.  It’s about damn time . . .

It’s Not Over Yet . ..

With the taste of Scott’s Wolf Tongue still fresh on her lips, and a surprise offer to be the only girl on the male lacrosse team in her hot little fingers, Kira finally finds the courage to tell her parents, in no uncertain terms, that she is not moving back to NYC .  . .

“Last I checked, I’m still a series regular on this show!”

In other Girl Power news, Malia learns that the way to Stiles’ heart is not through his stomach . . .

. . . or, even through his mouth. . .

. . . rather, it’s by establishing shared interest in color-coding Mysteries of the World . . .

(And the fact that she’s established romantic rival Lydia, as a gibberish writing nutjob certainly doesn’t hurt . . .)

(Note: If you recall, the notes in Lydia’s notebook are a near perfect match to the ones that popped up on Mouthless Morty’s computer, when he was doing that creepy neck blood transfusion thing, earlier in the episode . . .)

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

After a quick warning from Lydia, Scott quickly learns that adorable Sean is a two-eyed, two-rows-of-teeth, nice abs, people eater, whose already devoured a deputy, and now has his sights on Scott’s mom.

It’s ALPHA TIME!

Time to pop those bubbles again!

Scott arrives on the scene, just in time to prevent his mom from becoming Wendigo Chow, when dumb Liam hobbles out of his room to investigate some mysterious roaring sounds . . .

“Gee, sounds like murder.  I’m unarmed and crippled!  Let’s go investigate!”

OK, Scott.  It’s time to do your hero thing, again.  But this time . . . try not to further injure your fresh meat.  OK?

“I’ll get you little hunky, and your role as Jackson’s and Isaac’s replacement on this show too!”

“No way dude!  You’ve already been through puberty!  Much too old.  Don’t worry mini Jackson.  I’ll save you!”

“Gnom, gnom, gnom . . . tastes like illegal hottie!”

“Sploog!”

“Got your back, Alpha!  Give me a call if you ever need another strong and silent type in your pack.”

“Great!  Now, I’m one legged and one armed.  Thanks a lot, Scott!”

So, much for that . . .

When Scott, finds his future boy Friday, Liam dangling from the hospital roof, he gets an unexpected helping hand from Morty Mouthless,who dispatches the last member of the Wendigo family with aplomb, but not before Scott has innocently buried his teeth in little Liam’s wrist, dooming him to a hairy future, where he’ll be forced to shave about two years earlier than he would have as a human . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them doesn’t have a mouth . . .

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

 Foreplay?

And whatever this all is   .  .

Until next time, Werebangers!

How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

Before?

After?

Oh Derek!  You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead!  Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.

In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .

. . . to being . . .

. . . tortured and emasculated .  . .

. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .

. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .

. . .  outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .

. . . your psychotic uncle . . .

. . . the local veterinarian . . .

. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .

. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .

(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear.  It could be much, much worse.  You could be . . . Boyd.)

Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .

. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths .  . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.

When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?

But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him.  Because, really, that’s just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]

Bring It On 8 – In it to win it chew your face off

Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .

 

But, alas, this is not that universe.  In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .

“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”

“Calgon, take me away!”

While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .

The Potty’s Over

Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?

Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes.  And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.

Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .

Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business.  But not this guy.  This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.

“Is it because you ate the bean burrito?  I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”

“Bean burrito this, asshole!”

And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent.  (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)

Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands.  (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)

I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?

LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”

KIRA:  “Wow, you’re good!”

Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going .  . .

Adventures in Wolf-Sitting

When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.

Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

“Fresh meat!”

While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.

“Fresh meat!”

Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before.  Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.

And why not?  Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .

Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right?  The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .

Then again, maybe not.

You know what this means.  Mini-Hulk?  Smash!

“You can trust us!  We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”

“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”

It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .

Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.

“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”

Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.

During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia.  Little Spoon, eh?  Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?

“Fork me?”

Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons.  They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’

Speaking of licking things.  Malia, repeat after me.  “Highlighters are NOT food.”

“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”

During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.  Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop.  Ruh Roh!

Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .

It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode.  Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!

“Oh look.  Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”

This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having.  Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble.  At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet  . . .

Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .

Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.  There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact.  Then again, I guess that’s the point.   Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

“Like a virgin.   Touched for the very first time . . . again.”

“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers!  Let that be a lesson to you!

Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.  You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense).  Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.

Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.

“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”

Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.

“Have fun, kids.  Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”

Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.

I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.

But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.

So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24^th birthday.)

What would YOU do Wolfbangers?

For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

Hooray!

For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..

Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?

Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?

I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?

Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

The Return of Cousin Miguel

So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?

Always the Little Spoon . . .

Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?

Good times!

And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!

This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.

And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?

Who knew the guy,  who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .

(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)

 

In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell.  And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts.  “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right?  Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire?  He inquires benignly.

“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”

Rats!  Foiled again, Scooby Gang.  I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .

Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”

Romancing the Tryskelion

They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .

Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!

After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1.  (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.

“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.

According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this  . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!

Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .

Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

“Open Sesame!”

“Hey!  Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend!  Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom.  Ooh, I’m sorry.  Too soon?”

Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon.  And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.

Taking off the Training Wheels

The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument.  Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power.  It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .

“It’s magically delicious!”

Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion.  Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it.  Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card.  The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!

And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.

“Suckaaaa!”

As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well.  I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy.  Or did she?

Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone   . .  .

Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers

Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess.  The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends.   Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired.  This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here?  Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.

Papa Bear

Mama Bear

Baby Bear

That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?

Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang.  And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go.  Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .

“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”

But worry not, Werebangers.   Baby Derek is here to save the day!

Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.

He’s baaaaaaack!

This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years .  . .

I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .

(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)

Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.

It All Comes Down to the Money

In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.

(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)

Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far.  Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault.  It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.

“Berserkers STARE!”

From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!

And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes .  . .

“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

OK.  Now, I’m legitimately freaked out.  (That poor pussy . . . cat.)

Until next time, Werebangers!

Change or Die – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 Premiere “The Dark Moon”

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Hey there, Werebangers! It’s summer time. It’s hot. School is out. We are just a few days shy of America’s Independence Day! What better time to check back in with our favorite assorted supernatural thingys and “boy normals” of Beacon Hills?

There comes a time in every successful television series’ life, when it becomes faced with the inevitable question: Change . . .

. . . or Die?

 

Now, if it were up to the producers of these series, this point would never come. Good shows would stay forever the same. And why not? The Same is what made their series a hit in the first place. The Same is what got them this far . . . past the thousands of series like them that never made it past their first season . . . past the Curse of the Sophomore Slump. The Same is Good. Isn’t it?

But then, usually around the series’ first or second season, THINGS start to happen . . . THINGS that kick The Same in the ass, and watch it to see how it responds. Cast members age . . . they leave the series . . showrunners abandon ship . .. . characters break the rules that made their season 1 selves who they are, and, eventually THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

For Teen Wolf, the show that, in and of itself, can be described as one Big Ole Metaphor for Puberty, The Revolt against Same came a bit early. Scott and Stiles weren’t set to graduate for at least another year. And a good writer could make that year last about three seasons . . . or until one of their “high school” characters starts to look like Andrea Zuckerman from Beverly Hills 90210 . . .

But then came the Mass Exodus. Jackson, Erica, Cora, The Twins, Isaac, Allison. They all jumped ship within a relative short amount of time. Scott suddenly found himself without a love interest, a frenemy, and a surrogate brother. And Stiles, well, it seemed like every woman his lips touched was destined to disappear . . .

And so Jeff Davis found himself faced with the question every showrunner dreads: Change or Die?

So, he decided to Change . . .Here’s how he did it . . .

[As always, special thanks to my main man Andre, who screencaps like a maverick, and comments like a Pulitzer Prize winner in the making.  Welcome back, my friend.]

Como se dice “screwed” en espanol?

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of ideal teen destination vacations in Mexico, I generally think of places like Cancun, Tijuana, Cozumel, Cabo San Lucas, Playa del Carmen . . . sunny beachy party spots, accentuated with a continuous soundtrack of techno music with a loud thumping base, and all the watered down booze you can drink . . . where everyone around you is ridiculously thin, young and tan, and no one is sober.

I don’t picture a weirdly orange-tinted town that looks like the set design for the opening market scene in a high school production of Disney’s Aladdin. And yet, that’s precisely where we find our favorite not-so-much couple (damn you, Interloper Malia)Stiles and Lydia in the first few moments of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 premiere.

“I see Old, Pale and Fat People . . . Stiles, I don’t think we’re in Beacon Hills, anymore.”

Then again, the Teen Wolf gang aren’t exactly your average teenagers. They are werewolves . . . kitsune . . . banshee . . . survivors of Nogitsune possession . . .

. . . girls who spent all of puberty licking themselves clean in a cave, relieving themselves in bushes, snacking on the legs of dead rabbits, and avoiding traps set for them by their homicidal father . . . who, despite all this, seem remarkably well-adjusted and verbal, apart from the occasional desire to cannibalize her friends . . .

And they aren’t here for fun and games. They are here to rescue one of their own . . . their erstwhile leader . . . a mid twenty something guy , who would prefer nothing more than to party with 17-year olds, despite the fact that he’s legitimately old enough to get into actual bars and buy himself beer without a fake ID, view porn on the internet, by punching in his real birthdate, and even rent a car.

In short, he’s Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused.

. . . but much broodier, and slightly less high.

Every self-respecting Scooby Crew has one. And Scott and co. want theirs back, safe and sound . . . in his creepy unfurnished apartment, where half the main cast has died . . .

Sorry Boyd.

So, like the true BAMF that he is, Stiles strolls up to the doorway of a secret, midday, siesta/ fiesta, flashes a tarot card to the surveillance camera .  . .

“Whose up for a game of Dungeons and Dragons?”

 .. .  and cruises into   . . . a Girls Gone Wild video?

What show am I watching again?

Things begin to become a bit more clear, when Lydia drops a golden bullet into a freely proffered tequila-filled shot glass. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . . who knows in whom that bullet has been?

“Actually, we have a pretty good idea who got penetrated by this particular bullet.”

Kind of jealous of the bullet right now . . . not going to lie.

The proverbial gauntlet has been thrown, and Stiles and Lydia are immediately taken to a back room to negotiate with . . . that middle-aged Mexican lady who randomly appeared in a few episodes last season.

“Because the disappearance of Gerard left an opening for a Token Geriatric.”

But Stiles and Lydia have not arrived at this party empty-handed. They’ve come with cash . . . lots and lots of cash, $50,000 to be exact. (That’s a lot of dough! I wonder how many ancient, highly impractical weapons Papa Argent had to pawn to come up with that kind of cash.)

“Now my swords are all I have left . . .”

“Give us Derek Hale, and you’ll have enough cash to buy your creepy, poorly located night club a snazzy disco ball to hang from the ceiling,” Lydia challenges . . . more or less.

That’s when the guns come out.

Ruh roh!

Time to call in the reinforcements!

Unfortunately, James Franco’s character from Spring Breakers wasn’t available. So, they had to settle for these guys . . .

“Hola!”

“Estoy aqui!”

“Uhh . . . donde esta el bano?”

Cue the opening credits . . .

You Got Tazed!

In our obligatory homoerotic portion of the episode, Malia and Kira attempt to “blend into the crowd,” by casually dry humping one another on the dance floor.

(Because everyone knows coyotes and foxes are absolute experts when it comes to homoerotic dry humping.)

Unfortunately, this interlude of hot animal loving is interrupted by the people with guns trying to beat down the Scooby Gang for crashing their party and offering to pay them $50,000 just for the opportunity to attend. The nerve!

Have no fear, Wolfbangers! Kira is prepared for a fight. She has . . . nunchuck glowsticks?

It looks like someone’s been spending too much time with the Ninja Turtles .   . .

Malia’s fighting tactics are a bit more . . . direct.

Then, of course, everybody has to go and get themselves gassed, which ruins everything. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, raves are naughty.

“Smells a little like farts in here . . .”

And since white gas doesn’t seem to be enough to bring down our Alpha, Mr. Scott . . . meet Mr. Tazer!

It’s Potty Time!

Scott and co, regain consciousness in a seriously gross bathroom . . . the kind of bathroom you only use, if you ever find yourself on a deserted highway, about fifty miles from the next rest stop, and having just drank an entire 2-liter bottle of Coke Zero. Even then, upon getting the looks of this place, you may ultimately opt for a quick squat in the bushes instead.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t be laying down.”

But wait. Someone’s missing! Where’s the banshee?

“Lydia’s gone? Is she hurt, wounded, suffering from a really bad hair day? Let’s gnaw off her leg with our teeth, like it’s a drumstick,” posits everyone’s favorite wilderness girl.

Oh Malia! Your rapidly changing coyote ways are adorable! Remember that time when you accidentally murdered your baby sister, and then proceeded to visit the scene of the crime every night for eight years, carrying the doll she loved most, while she was living, to pay your canine respects?

No? That’s OK! Because cannibalism is a much more endearing character trait.

Plus, Its Lydia. And let’s face it. As far as superhero powers go, hers so far, is pretty much lamest ever.

(Make that the second lamest . . .)

Take for example her flashback attempt to find Derek by touching the bullets that may have penetrated his man parts. “He’s not dead . . . but he’s not alive,” Lydia offers helpfully.

“Feels like bullets.”

Genius! Good thing Scott was there with his heretofore nonexistent ability to determine that Derek is in Mexico, just because the bullets that hit him just so happened to have pictures of skulls on them! Now THAT’S impressive!

By the way,  doesn’t putting your Gang Calling Card on the BULLETS YOU USE TO KILL PEOPLE make you the dumbest crime family ever?

Next we see Lydia with Mexican Mommy in the town square. “Hey Lydia,” says Mommy. “Tell me which of my guards is about to die.”

“Feeling kind of sick.  Montezumas Revenge?”

Lydia considers this for a moment. “Hmmm . . . I’m not sure. Perhaps, it’s the one into whose carotid artery you just tossed a knife.”

“I got it!  It’s the guy falling down dead!  He’s the one that’s about to die!  Best Banshee Ever!”

Very good! Then again, I probably could have figured that out, and I’m not a banshee. I’m not even Irish . . .

Electro-Shock Therapy

So, basically, these Calavares Mexican Hunter folks have this rather rude habit of tying up members of the Teen Wolf cast, and shocking them with electricity, in hopes that it will force the werewolves to provide information they aren’t aware they have.

“No me gusta.”

To me, it seems like a kind of odd interrogation tactic. Since having volts of electricity frying your brain at regular intervals seems like it would make seemingly unimportant things that happened during Season 1 of Teen Wolf more difficult to remember, not less.

Nonetheless, Mexican Mommy forces Kira to repeatedly shock Scott, while she continuously screams at him to tell him where Derek is . . .

Derek, the same guy the Scooby Gang went to the Calavares’ trying to find.

Color me confused. Hey Mexican Mommy! There are easier ways to do this. Perhaps, you can try letting Scott fondle your bullets. That’s how he figured out you were in Mexico. (Then again, maybe your accent gave it away.)

Meanwhile, still stuck in the grimy bathroom, Malia pretends not to be able to hear Scott screaming from electric shock in the room right next door, as an excuse to suck face with Stiles . . . not that I blame her . . . at least not entirely.   If it were me, I suspect I would have been a bit more blunt in my execution. “Hey Stiles, I think I may have left my werecoyote super hearing in the back of your throat.   Would you mind terribly if I extracted it with my tongue?”

“Nope .  . . can’t hear anything.  Just the sound of flushing toilets.”

“You can do this, Malia.  You can do anything.  Like the time you figured out how to have human sex, despite having spent the last eight years humping trees.”

Glowing blue eyes = were coyote lady boner

Hey, speaking of which, remember that time Lydia kissed Stiles to cure his panic attack?

Yeah, this was so much less epic than that . . .

Sorry . . . not sorry.

Back in Torture Town, Scott finally Alphas out and figures out what the rest of us learned back in the Season Finale, namely that Kate Argent, that evil wench whose been relegated to hosting that darn Wolf Watch after show all year, became a were – SOMETHING WITH BLUE FACE, back when Peter clawed her up back in Season 1, and, for reasons not yet apparent, kidnapped Derek and took him to good ole Mexico.

Hey, maybe shock therapy is an effective memory device after all!

La Loba Esta en La Iglesia

So, it turns out Mexican Mommy knew where Derek and Kate were all along! She was just torturing Scott and co. for sh*ts and giggles . . .oh, and possibly to see whether Scott’s True Alpha form was a cool scary gorilla thing like Peter’s . . .

. . . or an angry kid, who forgot to activate the red eye reduction on his camera like Derek . . .

*shrugs*

Better luck next time, Scott! On the bright side, at least you don’t have to wear those ridiculous ears and sideburns anymore . . .

Mexican Mommy offers Scott and Co. the help of a familiar face in tracking down Derek and Kate.

Welcome back, Bad Ass Braedan!

On the way to the place where Kate was last seen, the Scooby crew pass the time, by helpfully summarizing the series’ first season for new fans . . . and Malia and Kira.

“I love road trips!  Hey, mind if I stick my head out the window, while we drive?”

Remember when Kate set fire to the Hale house, killing the entire Hale family . . . except Derek . . . and Peter . . . and Cora . . . and Laura, who died at Peter’s hand later . . .?

Correction: remember when Kate set fire to the Hale House and pretty much only killed Derek’s mother, and maybe an uncle or two who we never met?

Then Peter went on a murderous Alpha rampage, turning Scott into a werewolf, and murdering Kate . . . or so we thought?

What actually happened, was that the Calavares extracted Kate from her box in the morgue, and brought her all the way across the border to their magical mystical Mexico bathroom, so she could off herself, without suffering the ignominy of turning into the big bad in Season 4 of Teen Wolf.

“Looks pale, needs a manicure . . . lets take her south of the border!”

And that plan was a big fat failure . . .

So, how does Scott know this? I guess we are supposed to assume that Mexican Mommy told him off screen. Either that, or electro shock therapy is so amazing, it helps you to remember even events for which you weren’t present.

We interrupt this trip down retconned memory lane to bring you a CLAW IN STILES’ JEEP.

Since Braeden’s motorcycle is unfortunately only large enough to seat two asses, Stiles and Scott agree that the Alpha Wolf should be the one to enter the abandoned church.  Makes sense.   After all, Stiles’ days as a mass murdering Japanese fox spirit probably wouldn’t sit too well with the local bible thumpers . . .

Plus, Stiles loves his Jeep, just a teensy bit more than he loves Scott . . .

And so our stalwart Scooby Gang break Rule 1 of Every Horror Movie Ever by Splitting Up in the Abandoned Desert After the Car Mysteriously Breaks Down.

“It’s too bad our relationship is still PG, otherwise I would be dry humping you so hard right now.”

“CHUMPS!” Yells out the now-deceased casts of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Reeker, Wrong Turn, Vacancy, etc.

“This may be the worst idea we’ve ever had.  And we’ve had some really crappy ideas.”

Things go slightly better for Stiles And Friends, who have the benefit of being the main characters in a television series. Because, clearly if this was a two-hour movie on Lifetime, they’d all be goners . . .

. . . except Lydia.   Girlfriend, just has one of those “I survived a horror movie, despite being the one in my group with the least survival skills” faces.

The worst thing that happens is Malia wolf’s coyotes out, and dashes off in search of a potential predator, causing Stiles to fear that she’ll suffer the same fate of every other non-red haired character who had the bad luck of almost hooking up with Stiles , only to never be seen again . . .

Either that or she’ll go back to coyote life, gnawing on rabbits legs, and imagining they are her weak and wounded friends, after a particularly poor hunting season . . .

Buuuuuuut, then Malia comes back . . . which is great . . . or lame, depending on where you fall on the Love Malia / Hate Malia spectrum. That’s one controversial coyote!

When Stiles calls Malia out on her “cut and run” attitude, the former cave girl promises the former Nogitsune host that she would never abandon him. As for Lydia and Kira, well, that’s another matter entirely.  So, in conclusion, if Stiles is injured or in danger, Malia will come to his rescue and stay by his side, for as long as it takes him to heal. If Lydia or Kira are injured or in danger, Malia will . . . possibly eat them.

Clearly, hos before bros is not a concept well known amongst the coyote community in Beacon Hills . . .

In which Tyler Hoechlin gets re-cast ?

You know those TV shows where they suddenly recast one of the main characters, and you, as the viewer, have to try really hard not to think about the fact that the person you’ve been watching on your screen for weeks, suddenly changed their face, and none of their friends or family seemed to notice?

That’s not what happened here . . .

Instead, after Braeden and Scott enter the Creepy Temple Covering an Aztec Burial Ground for Were Jaguars, and narrowly escape getting eaten alive by massive skeletony things, thanks to Scott’s roar . . .

. . . they find Derek . . . from about ten years ago . . .

“Peekaboo.  I see you!”

. . . the Derek from flashbacks . . . the one who is actually the same age as all his current friends.

A church that can turn back time . . . while you sleep!

Cool! I’ll have what he’s having!

And that was the Teen Wolf Season Premiere. And it was definitely different. Whether that change was for better or worse, remains to be seen. But I’m intrigued enough to go along for the ride. How about you?

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .corpses, lots and lots of corpses. I hope Malia is hungry!

Until next time, Werebangers!

[Hey!   I published a new book.  It’s called Me and You, Inc.   Curious?  Click here.]

A Sad Day for Little Piggies – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 4 Premiere – “A is for Alive”

Hey there, my Pretties!  It’s that time again.  Our favorite little liars are back for another season of being tortured by “A”  . . .

. . . romanced by sexy shirtless men . . .

. . . and making questionable fashion choices (sometimes) . . .

So dig that creepy baby-face mask out of moth balls, keep your cell phone away from coffins, and for Heaven sake, hide your little piggies . . .

. . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

There’s A Dead Body Bacon in the Trunk!

“So, I’m guessing that Rosewood doesn’t have a car wash?”

Last season, on Pretty Little Liars, Deputy Douchey’s car magically emerged from a lake, and drove itself out to meet our fabulous foursome (plus Mona).  It turns out, Douche Car was on a mission.  It wanted to show the Liars incriminating footage of Mama Marin hitting Deputy Douchey with her car, and driving off into the sunset.  Now, admittedly, getting hit by a car sucks.  But it could have been worse, Deputy Douchey!  You could have been hit by a car ON YOUR WEDDING DAY .  . .

Also, Deputy Douchey didn’t even DIE yet, when he was hit by that car.  He just brushed himself off and walked away.  He even got the opportunity to shower, after it was all over . . .

. .  . which is more than we can say for his car . . .

Because, as we find out, in the opening minutes of the episode, being dirty, and playing a bad home movie on its OnStar screen are the LEAST of Douche Car’s problems.  THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE TRUNK!

WHAT COULD IT BE?  It must be something pretty horrible, considering the writers made us wait MONTHS to find out . . .

I mean, when you think about it, anything could be in that trunk . . . Ali’s corpse, Jason’s corpse, Toby’s corpse, A SPARE TIRE . .  .

But what actually ended up being in the trunk was worse than ALL OF THOSE THINGS COMBINED.  It was . . . BREAKFAST .  . .

“OH THE HUMANITY!”

Silently agreeing to all become vegans, the little liars hightail it from the “crime scene,” before they can be spotted by the cops.  Mona, however, decides to stick around, because a good song is playing on the car radio.  And everyone knows it’s bad luck to leave a car when a good song is playing . . .

Mona Vanderwaal’s theme song

Actually, she’s just dismantling the incriminating OnStar video monitor, like the sociopath / criminal mastermind she is . . .

Good going, girl!  An extra special helping of bacon for you!

F.A.Q’s

You know how a lot of company websites have a Frequently Asked Question page, so that the customer service line isn’t inundated with the same inane questions, over and over again, like “What’s the mailing address?” or “What are your hours?” or “Why does the hair color on my head look nothing like the picture of the girl on the dye box?”

Well, that’s kind of what the next scene was like for me.  Having Mona answer six or seven of the series’ most frustrating questions all at once, was both a really lazy thing to do, from a writers’ perspective, and an oddly satisfying experience for the fans.  So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, Mona PLL F.A.Q. . . .

(Does this mean Cece is Red Coat?  She certainly seems to be A Red Coat.  I’m just not certain yet that she’s THE red coat.)

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Should the writers have revealed the answers to these “Burning Mysteries,” through actual plot exposition, as opposed to mere script exposition?  Sure.  But if they did that, they’d have so much less time to focus on things like Dead Pigs in car trunks and the never ending Love Saga of Ezria . . .

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Sarcasm aside, I think the writers simply recognized the fact that they didn’t have time to include the answers to these questions in their actual plotline.  And, if that’s the case, I’m glad they revealed them, this way, rather than keeping them as intensely frustrating eternally unsolved mysteries, like some OTHER shows I know . . .

“I’m looking at you, Hurley Bird, and Walt’s rapid aging /random magical powers!“

One of the things I love most about PLL is how refreshingly self-aware it is of it’s own occasional ridiculousness.  Take for example, this next scene, where all the little liars awaken to find Mona gone.  Of course, they immediately assume that they all fell asleep because Mona drugged them  .  . . and not simply because they were tired from a long night of playing Fondle the Dirty Cop Car . . .

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And why wouldn’t they think that?  Especially, when Emily, Hanna, and Aria have each been drugged by their enemies, at least once on the show.

Poor Mona!  She just went out to get all her friends their morning cups of coffee, exactly how they like them . . . and possibly murder Deputy Douchey.

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Mona is kind of a kick ass car thief!  They should really consider hiring her for the next installment of Fast and Furious . . .

Trailer Park of the Dolls

You know, we all make jokes about how all the liars (with the exception of Emily) have such awful parents.  But what about Mona?

I mean, think about it.  Here’s a girl who spend about half a year in the nuthouse.  And when she gets out, her parents don’t seem to notice, mind or care, that she took all that creepy crap she used to store in a random skeevy motel room, and moved it to her OWN PERSONAL TRAILER!  Last I checked, you had to be 25 just to rent a car.  Can you really buy a house on wheels at 17?

In hopes of proving her worthiness, Mona generously allows each of the girls to read the personal stalker files she’s amassed on each of them, during the course of three seasons.  Then, she glibly admits to Hanna that she successfully impersonated Caleb despite being about 5 inches shorter than him at last year’s Halloween party, just so that she have an excuse to suck face with her former bestie, who she once tried to run over with her car . . .

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But Mona wasn’t the only cross dresser on the Halloween Train of Terrors.  Check THIS out?

It’s pretty hard to be afraid of someone who looks so ridiculous.  Then again, this was the guy who drugged Aria, put her in the coffin with a dead body, and then literally almost THREW HER FROM A MOVING TRAIN . . .

Mona’s carefully captured video footage suggests that there was another member of the A Team responsible for Aria’s future therapy bill.  She claims it was Spencer’s B*tch Sister Melissa . . .

But this pretty awesome “Kiss Virus,” smears fake lipstick kisses across Mona’s desktop, and deletes all her files, before Mona can confirm that she’s telling the truth.  My theory?  Mona clearly has a backup for this footage.  I’m thinking she likely planned the “virus,” because she’s covering for someone much more surprising than Melissa . . . someone who we HAVEN’T actually assumed was bad news from Day One.  Someone like . . .

I’m kidding.  I know the writers would never do this.  But you have to admit, it would be a pretty shocking reveal .  . .

Attack of the Kiddie Clones

Outside the trailer, the girls hear the sounds of their names being called, and head out to investigate.  Here’s what they find . . .

My goodness!  Does A work in a toy factory?  It’s the only possible explanation as to why every single week she or he seems to come up with another set of dolls that look exactly like the liars.  (I hope ABC Family is selling some of these to fans.  They’d make a mint.)

Well . . . honestly, these are pretty ugly.  I wouldn’t buy these!

WANT!

So, the kids tell the liars that some girl named “Alison” gave them the dolls, and blah, blah, blah.  We’ve heard this one before.  What’s more disturbing is the fact that the kids themselves actually look like the liars.  What is this Orphan Black?  Is the A Team involved in human cloning too?

I said the little girls look like younger versions of the liars.  What I didn’t mention was that there was one MAJOR exception to this rule.  Aria’s “clone” looked like someone else entirely . . .

I swear this show just gets more disturbing by the minute . . .

Ding Dong Deputy Douchey’s Dead . . .

On the way home from the Trailer Park of Terror, the girls encounter a familiar face . . .

Either Deputy Douchey is DOA, or he just picked a really bad location for a nap.  Suddenly, the girls realize the significance of the pig in the car.  Get it . . . pigs . . . cops?

It looks like the little liars are about to be framed for yet another murder.

Now, more than ever, they need Mona to give up that incriminating video footage.  But can they trust her to turn it over?

Fitzy Goes to Jail . . . Just KIDDING!

After a few weeks of successfully avoiding Fitzy, post breakup, Aria has an uncomfortable encounter with him at the coffee shop.  The fact that she’s wearing an outfit that directly resembles Sheldon Cooper’s Doppler Effect Halloween Costume certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Then Fitzy reveals to Aria that he’s once again taking a job teaching at Rosewood High, and mixing stripes with solids quickly becomes the least of Aria’s problems.  “I have a family now,” Fitzy reminds Aria, careful to use the word “family” and not just “kid,” to imply that the awful “Maggie,” is also a part of this picture.

“Why do you insist on continuing a relationship with Alex Mack.  She is LITERALLY a pile of goo!”

But to Aria’s credit, she keeps her cool, even icily referring to the guy she used to bone as “Mr. Fitz,” before exiting stage left.  You go, girl!

Back at school, Aria’s paranoia kicks into overdrive, when she becomes positive that the school principal is watching her moon over Fitz.  Her suspicions seem to be confirmed, when the principal calls her into his office, and confronts her with some TRULY PORNY pictures of Ezria going to pound town on one another . . .

You know what comes next, don’t you?

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Aria is crushed.  She rushes out of the principals office, to a chorus of sad trombones and tiny violins .  . .

Then Aria “awakens” to find herself still outside the principal’s office.  It was all daydream, silly!

Fitzy isn’t really going to jail!

And while part of me is relieved for Aria, the other part of me kind of wishes they actually did arrest Fitzy, if only so that he could start wearing doo rags in prison, like Toby, and, possibly even get the words “Thug Life” tattooed on his butt.

Speaking of the Tobster . . .

The Many Faces of Toby Cavanaugh

Sometimes I think Abs Toby has multiple personality disorder . . .

Sometimes he’s REALLY creepy . . .

Other times he seems genuinely sweet . . .

He can occasionally be a thug . . .

And this week, he was about eight other things, I hadn’t actually seen before.

It all started on an ordinary morning, during which Toby generously cooked his on-again girlfriend Spencer a breakfast, which hopefully didn’t include bacon . . .

No doubt, it was a sweet gesture.  But there was something about the way he kept reminding Spencer to thank him for the food, and shutting her down, whenever she tried to talk about Deputy Douchey’s death that didn’t sit right with me.  Perhaps, a part of me feels that Toby’s earlier betrayal was whitewashed over a bit too quickly.  And I’m clearly having a harder time trusting him again than Spencer.

That said, I genuinely felt bad for him, when “A” left him that threatening text about the mystery surrounding his mother’s “disappearance.”  I even understand why he kept that information from Spencer.  Though, I’m sure that decision will eventually come and bite him in the ass, during the weeks to come .  . .

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He’s a little shady.  But he’s still a really sexy crier (with great abs).

Later in the day, Toby takes Spencer to that burned down building in search of the elusive red coat.  And it’s pretty much the Worst Date Ever . . .

Of course, Super Sleuth Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

Through a flashback, we learn that Toby’s mother was either massively depressed, or had a serious drug problem.  And Ali was a seductively manipulative b*tch.  Of course, we already knew that last part . . .

Something struck me as odd about this flashback.   I understand that Toby was supposed to come off as young and naive.  And Ali was supposed to come off as an evil date rapist, who recycles her pickup lines . . . despite the fact that both characters were realistically only about 13 or 14 when this event took place . . .

It’s just that the way the lines were read, Toby somehow seemed less young and naive, and more . . . Lenny from Of Mice and Men, if you catch my drift . . .

In happier couples news . . .

You’ve Come a Long Way, Little Orphan B*tchy . . .

Remember when Paige looked like this?

And did this?

Well that’s sure in the past.  Because now Paige is asking Emily to go to Stanford with her.  And the pair are exchanging “I love yous.”

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But more importantly, her hair and wardrobe are awesome!

The little liars have been a very good influence on you, girl!  It’s too bad that by admitting your love for Emily, you’ve pretty much just signed your death warrant.  Emily Fields is basically the Jeremy Gilbert of PLL . . .

Best Friends and Bad Hair Days

You can tell that Hanna is having a difficult time processing Deputy Douchey’s death, because she’s got her wig on crooked.  And she’s wearing her headband so low on her forehead that you would think she was auditioning for a workout video for the 1980s . . .

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Speaking of the 80’s, bedazzle much?

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It’s abundantly clear that these two girls need to go shopping.  Though, given their current wardrobe choices, I’m not quite sure it’s such a good idea for them to be shopping together . . .

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All sarcasm aside, I thought the moments Mona and Hanna shared together this week were actually really sweet.  And a big part of me genuinely wants to believe Mona, when she tells Hanna that she truly loves her and misses her, despite knowing that Hanna is only hanging out with her now to protect herself and the rest of the liars.

Mona even gives Hanna the incriminating disk we saw in the beginning of the episode, as a gesture of good faith.  After all the terrible things Mona has done to the girls, and Hanna in particular, she’s still a long way from gaining my trust.  But this was definitely a start . . .

In other news, Mama Dilaurentis is back in town.  And despite her daughter’s having supposedly been dead for two years, still can’t quite bring herself to get rid of all her sh*t.  So, the “twin” theory rears its ugly head yet again . . .

And finally . . .

A Nice Day for a Black Funeral

Everyone in Rosewood knows that the monthly funerals are the most important events on the town’s social calendar.  This is why the little liars always attend them, dressed like they are going to bachelorrette party in Vegas.  It’s also why they insist on sitting in the front row, despite the fact that not only are they typically of no familial relation to the deceased, they also tend to be the number one suspects in that person’s murder . . .

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The social importance is Rosewood funerals may also explain why Jenna insists on showing up to them fashionably late, on the arm of a new heretofore unknown gentleman, each month . . .

But if trying to make a fashion statement at the funeral was the little liars (and Jenna’s) ultimate goal, then all of them failed.  Because if anyone was going to get gawked at during Wilden’s funeral, it was most definitely going to be THIS CHICK . . .

She’s wearing a mask AND a veil?  How does she not bump into walls?

Before the big day, Spencer gets a tip, thanks to “A,” that there may be something special waiting for her in Deputy Douchey’s coffin . . .

Spencer is excited, because she hasn’t fondled a corpse since, well . . . the last time she fondled a corpse.  Mona, who received the same cryptic message, is also up for the challenge .  . .

“I hope the clue is not in his pants.”

The girls extract a phone from Douchey’s coffin, and dial the number attached to the contact “Kisses.”  So, you can imagine their surprise when the phone call goes directly to HANNA’S PHONE!

Don’t worry, Caleb . . . it’s actually Hanna’s MOTHER, who Dead Wilden was dialing.  But still . . . gross . . .

After the funeral, New Deputy Less Douchey confronts the girls, and does that TV cop thing, where he seems to be both flirting with them, and accusing them of murder at the same time . . .

I don’t care if he ends up being an A$$hole, who, like everyone else in this show, is somehow, involved in Ali’s murder and/or has it in for the liars.  He’s HOT!  There, I said it. . .

In the final moments of the episodes, the girls get yet another cryptic text from A, informing them that the truth is going to BURY them . . .

Get it?  Bury!  Ahhh . . . you got a love a good funeral pun.

See ya next time, my Pretties!

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