GAME OF THRONES: Lessons in Failure (S7: Ep 3 Recap)

 

Jaime Lannister: “There are always lessons in failure.”

Lady Olenna (Queen of Thornes and Shade): “Yes, you must be very wise by now.”

[This recap has been cross posted at Agony Booth.com]

So, it was not a particularly stellar week for Dany and Team Good Guys in the battle for the Iron Throne. For the second week in a row, The Mother of Dragons has found herself both outsmarted on the battlefield, and down a powerful ally. But as her nemesis Jaime himself would say, you could learn a lot from your mistakes. And this war is far from over.

Also this week: a cordial clash occurs between fire and ice, a long-awaited Stark reunion turns decidedly creepy, Sam Tarley gets a promotion, of sorts, and Lady Olenna wins the title of Episode MVP by about a mile, proving to all of us that just because you’ve been defeated, doesn’t mean you can’t win.

So, without further adieu, let’s dive in to “The Queen’s Justice!”

Lady Olenna, drinking down her last bit of liquid courage before beginning this recap . . .

When Dany Met Jonny . . .

All you folks out there who were thinking that the first meeting between The Queen of Lots of Last Names and The King of the North would be all hearts, flowers, and sexual innuendo have clearly never watched a RomCom. They have to fight first, guys! That’s what makes the makeup sex so satisfying later. (I mean that figuratively, of course, because Dany and Jon are actually kind of related, and we already have enough of THAT on this show.)

But before we delve into that meeting, let’s start with the one that did go swimmingly: the reunion between Tyrion Lannister and Jon Snow. What a fabulous bromance! The scenes these two shared during this episode could basically have doubled as the film trailer for the buddy cop comedy I never knew I always wanted.

“The Bastard of Winterfell!” Tyrion exclaims fondly, as Jon sets foot on Dragonstone for the first time.

“The Dwarf of Casterly Rock,” Jon replies, gleefully swapping pet names with his new favorite pal. (By the way, Jon Snow is apparently funny? Did we know that? Does coming back from the dead somehow give you a sense of humor? Is that a Thing? Perhaps, we should ask This Guy?)

“I’ll be here all week!”

Jon and Tyrion quickly congratulate one another for each accomplishing the amazing feat of actually surviving seven seasons on this show. (Well, technically, Jon cheated a bit on the whole “surviving” thing. But we will let that slide for now.)

After dispensing with the awkward unpleasantness of having Jon, Davos, and their men dispose of their weapons, Tyrion leads the group of Northerners toward Dany’s castle. As they make the climb, Jon gets to make the acquaintance of not one, not two, but all three of Dany’s dragons. Now, that’s what I call rolling out the red carpet for your guests!

I think Dany secretly has an app on her phone that gets these guys to fly by whenever she needs them . . . like a Dragon Uber, or something.

Understandably, Jon seems a bit shaken when he sees Dany for the first time, lounging in her uber uncomfortable chair. (She must have buns of steel!) Then Missandei makes things worse, by spending about five minutes reading out all 562 of the titles Dany has earned since she got on this show.

Now, surely, Davos, in his position as Jon’s unofficial Hand of the King will work hard to make the King of the North seem equally important and scary right?

“Um . . . this is Jon Snow. He has really nice hair,” Davos mumbles, more or less. (Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have a career in PR, Davos.)

Things then get off to an even rockier start, with Dany refusing to refer to Jon as King (calling him, instead, the pejorative “Lord”) and Jon, likewise failing to refer to Dany as his Queen. This uncomfortable exchange is followed by the pair exchanging, “Your Daddy,” jokes about each other’s respective deceased parental units. (“Yo Daddy” jokes are absolutely the Westeros version of “Yo Mamma” jokes because sexism).

Part of the problem here, in addition to an obvious clash of egos (Dany has very nice hair too, after all!), is that both Dany and Jon agree to this meeting for very different reasons. Dany wants Jon to offer his loyalty and allegiance to her, so she can use his army to help her win the war against Cersei for the Iron Throne. Jon wants Dany’s dragons and her resources to defeat the Night’s King and his Army of Walking Dead extras . . . folks that Dany doesn’t believe even exist.

To prove her case, Dany launches into a rather impressive monologue about all the crap she’s been through in seven seasons, and how she somehow managed to rise above it all. “Oh, yeah?” Davos pipes in. “Well, Jon got stabbed in the stomach eight times, and not only survived, but still has perfect six pack abs!”

Jon shuts Davos up before he can complete the statement, which, for me, was a bit disappointing. After all, I think Dany may have respected Jon more if she knew that she wasn’t the only one on this show with weird magical powers.

Powers like, for example, inflammable boobs.

With Jon and Dany at a seeming impasse, the Mother of Dragons abruptly adjourns the meeting upon hearing news of Euron’s defeat of Yara’s fleet. This gives the bromantic buddies, Tyrion and Jon an opportunity to brood together outside, which makes the former a bit jealous. After all, Jon Snow may know nothing, but he’s the best brooder in all of Westeros.

Ever the pragmatist, Tyrion manages to glean from Jon a lesser request than Dany’s dragons and the use of her army: namely, the ability to mine dragon glass and forge it into weapons to defeat the undead. Dany reluctantly agrees to this request, as a gesture of good faith to a potential future ally, even if she secretly thinks Jon’s zombie claims are totally bonkers.

It’s not quite the makeup sex we were hoping for, but it’s foreplay, for sure!

Speaking of foreplay . . .

For When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best . . . Hallmark Euron Greyjoy’s “Gifts”

Back at Kings Landing, Cersei’s sassy Gay Best Friend Euron rides triumphantly into town to the cheers of the crowd. And he’s not arriving empty-handed either. Euron’s got gifts! Just like he promised! He strings Ellaria, that Sandsnake that Didn’t Die, and Yara along after him like dogs.

Cersei seems mildly pleased with these “gifts” (though it’s a bit hard to tell, seeing as I don’t think we’ve seen this character smile in about 6.5 seasons). She even promises to marry Euron, once they’ve won the battle for the Iron Throne in earnest.

You know, when Euron raises his arms like that, he kind of looks like the Night King . . . weird.

Thrilled with the news of impending nuptials that are obviously never going to happen, Euron takes this opportunity to ask Jaime for Cersei Sex Advice. “Does she like it when you put your finger in her bum?” Euron wonders out loud to Jaime’s chagrin. (I’m going to take that dubious response as a “yes.”)

While Euron is busy using Jaime as his personal Dr. Ruth, Cersei is busy playing with her gifts. (Well, two of them. Poor Yara kind of gets tossed aside, like the ugly sweater you got on the same birthday on which you received your first XBox.)

Meh!

In a rather cruel bit of poetic justice, Cersei decides to kill that Random Sandsnake Whose Name I Never Bothered Learning in the same manner Ellaria used to kill Cersei’s daughter, Myrcella, namely a poison kiss. Then, rather than kill Ellaria, herself, Cersei decides to lock her up for life, where she will be forced to spend her days staring at her daughter’s corpse. Ouch!

We Interrupt This Very Special Torture Session for Some Twincest . . .

Damning one of her many enemies to a lifetime of torture is apparently a HUGE turn on for Cersei, because immediately after doing it, she proceeds to jump Jaime’s bones. (I turned my head away, during this scene, so I couldn’t tell whether Jaime actually put his finger in his sister’s bum or not . . .)

After they are done doing the deed, Cersei proudly flaunts her twincest in front of her servant (who weirdly has the same haircut she has? Is that like a castle uniform requirement). Cersei then heads downstairs to meet with her Banker to discuss some investment opportunities. Just another day in the life of the Evil Queen . . .

Oddly enough though, watching Cersei bone her brother wasn’t the ickiest family moment in this episode . . .

In Which Bran Stark Makes Us All Feel Intensely Uncomfortable . . .

Back at Winterfell, Sansa seems to be having a great time playing King of the North in Jon’s absence. She’s issuing commands with a cold efficiency that would even give the Mother of Dragons a run for her money. Littlefinger notices this, and, like the broken record he has become this season, reminds Sansa how cool it would be if she overthrew her brother Jon, and ruled the North, for realsies.

“See everyone as your enemy. Fight every battle in your mind,” Littlefinger counsels. (During this exchange, Sansa’s mind fights to keep her stomach from upchucking, as Littlefinger’s mind undresses her with his eyes.)

The conversation is thankfully cut short by the arrival of Sansa’s brother Bran, who she hasn’t seen in years. Sansa cries with joy as she hugs her brother, but Bran . . . sort of just sits there staring into space like a Game of Thrones bobble head of himself?

I’ve seen coma patients more emotionally expressive than this.

Later, the two reconnect by a tree. During their chat, Bran tells Sansa all about his new job as The One-Eyed Raven, a.k.a. The Guy Who Watched All Seven Seasons of GOT on DVD, and Also Got a Leak of Season 8. So, basically, Jon Snow knows nothing, and his little brother, knows literally everything.

As we all know, nobody likes a know-it-all, particularly one who lacks social skills, as Bran clearly does. (In Bran’s defense, it’s probably hard to learn how to properly communicate with people when you spend most of your life talking only to a guy who says the word “Hodor” over and over again.)

 

“Hey remember that time when you married that psychopath, and he brutally raped you, while the smelly guy watched? Wasn’t that funny?” Bran recounts conversationally, before eerily launching into a detailed description of how hot his sister looked in her dress, during the worst moment of her life?

(Sansa’s mind at this point is definitely fighting the Battle Not to Punch Her Invalid Brother in the face.)

“Um, I’ve gotta go. I’m suddenly feeling very much in need of a shower,” Sansa mutters awkwardly, before exiting stage left.

“But wait! Can somebody move me away from this creepy tree with the face on it first? I kind of have to pee!” Bran replies. “Did you forget that I don’t have use of my legs anymore? HELLO???!!!”

 

You see, that’s the thing about knowledge. Sometimes it’s best if you keep it to yourself . . .

Samwell Tarley: He’s Not Just For Scooping Poop Anymore

But knowledge is not always bad! Sometimes it saves lives! As is the case with Jorah Mormont, who Sam Tarley has cured of greyscale by literally chopping it off his body, and making us all vomit in the process. (Ten points for Gryffindor!)

Now, Jorah can go find Dany and be friend-zoned by her for the 896^th time this season! Hooray!

Sam’s boss at the Hogwarts School for the Elderly and Unattractive is super impressed with Sam for his ability to read books and follow one-step simple instructions. He’s so impressed, in fact, that he offers Sam a promotion . . . from pooper scooper to paper boy!

Watch this Sam Tarley guy, kids. He’s going places . . . very, very slowly!

A Game of Bad News / Good News

Let’s start with the bad news first to get it out of the way. Like last week, this week’s installment of Game of Thrones ends with a battle. It’s time for the Unsullied and the Dothraki to conquer Casterly Rock, the Lannister’s birth home. They do so by entering the city through its sewers, which just so happened to be Tyrion’s fave hangout as a kid!

The takeover of Casterly Rock is easy . . . almost too easy. And a few moments later we find out why?

As we wait for Jaime and his men to meet the Unsullied Army at Casterly Rock, we come to find them crossing the border into another place entirely, Highgarden, home of Dany’s new allies the Tyrells, and their bad as bitch leader, Lady Olenna.

To her credit, Lady Olenna takes her demise in stride, as she calmly greets Jaime in her home. She’s lived a long life, and seen a lot of loved ones die. This, I imagine, makes you fear death less, perhaps, even welcome it somewhat.

 

The two converse almost cordially, as Olenna congratulates Jaime for outsmarting Dany, when, usually, he’s such a moron in battle . . . a good looking moron, but a moron, nonetheless. The Queen of Thorns gets her barbs in where she can, of course, calling Joffrey a cunt, for naming his sword the Widow’s Wail, and Cersei a monster, and a disease. While Lady Olenna did terrible things for the sake of protecting her family, Cersei does them just for the sake of being evil, the older woman explains.

Lady Olenna is oddly maternal with Jaime, especially given their history. She even seems to take pity on him for his love of Cersei, which she believes will only end in his demise. In term, Jaime seems almost fond of Olenna, fending off Cersei’s ideas for a more brutal death to the sole surviving Tyrell, in exchange for an ending that’s a bit more classy, a painless death by poison in her wine glass.

Lady Olenna is grateful for this, and drinks the poison willingly, but not before offering a final parting F*&k You to the Lannister family that destroyed everything she loved. (See, I told you there would be good news!)

Olenna takes this opportunity to compare her painless death by poison to Joffrey’s death, also by poison. . . WHICH WAS SO DISGUSTING, AND ALSO SO AWESOME! In fact, I think this is a great time to relive it, don’t you?!!

It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

“Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me,” concludes Olenna with a smile.

Brilliant last words for a fabulous character, who will be sorely missed. But at least she went down fighting! In fact, if they had tombstones in Westeros, I’m sure Lady Olenna would want this sentence printed on hers.

For now, the Lannisters just better hope that Lady Olenna doesn’t come back as a member of the Undead. Because there will be some serious hell to pay if she does!

See ya next time, Westeros!

 

 

 

Once Upon a Time: Cinderella, armed and moderately dangerous!

Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com!

This week on Once, Cinderella goes POSTAL . . . for a few seconds. Also this week, Hook and Emma get baby fever. Rumpel makes Belle a mix tape. And the Evil Queen comes up with a nefarious scheme . . . to perfect her adopted son’s bad posture.

Let’s review, shall we?

The Hunger Games

Everyone knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his pants stomach. (We’re going to go with stomach here, because it’s an 8 p.m. show owned by Disney.) And this is why both Regina and the Evil Queen attempted to FEED Hyde into giving them information about the town’s new burgeoning population of homeless people. The only difference, of course, is that the Evil Queen arrived first at Hyde’s prison cell with a five-course meal, wine, and a team of set designers from the recently canceled television series, Hannibal. Regina, on the other hand, brought a pan of re-heated microwavable lasagna that she probably re-plated from a Stouffer’s TV Dinner, and the only two members of the town’s Neighborhood Watch, Snow and Charming . . ..

“The carpet in here doesn’t match the drapes. Plus the grass on the lawn is an inch over regulation height. You are going to have to fix that.”

Understandably, Hyde is unimpressed with his new, less than Michelin Star, accommodations, and refuses to give up any hobo gossip to our heroes, unless Regina frees him from the pokey, ASAP. This, Regina cannot do (at least not with Neighborhood Watch literally breathing down her neck).

Maybe Regina should have chosen to make a move on Hyde’s heart through his pants, after all . . .

Baby Steps

I guess it really shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that Hook is good with kids, especially when you consider the fact that, over in Neverland, apart from a few unwashed smelly pirates and a crocodile, prepubescents were literally the only people around with which he could share his Man Pain. Of course, up until this week, Emma has been too mired in her depression, carpal tunnel pain, and endless supply of pillow cases with holes cut in the arms for t-shirts (She wore one AGAIN this week! Why Once Wardrobe Team? WHY?) to notice.

So, Hook, whose sex life this season has consisted entirely of one hastily aborted couch fondling session, sets off on a major campaign to get himself laid more regularly. And that campaign involves him temporarily morphing into the male version of Mary Poppins with anyone under the age of 18 he can find.

Emma, who sees everyone around her having babies, and then promptly forgetting they exist, when plot dictates that they do so, is super turned on by the notion of “getting a little Hook in her,” both figuratively and literally. The only problem is that she is quite certain she’s going to croak by the end of the season, which doesn’t leave her with much time to get knocked up and carry a baby to term.

“If they bury me in one of those pillow case t-shirts and not my red leather jacket, I swear I will haunt them for all eternity.”

Emma discusses these fears (again) with her shrink, Jiminy Cricket. Jiminy tells Emma to Carpe Diem, basically, because she’s the star of a show where logic, plot and timeline consistency aren’t exactly top concerns. So, if the writers decided they wanted Emma to have a baby with Hook and die by the end of the season, they’d probably get it done in the span of two episodes, via a hastily explained “time jump” or “magic, speed-up-the-birthing-process spell.” (The latter of which, was a plot device that was actually used on this show with Zelena and HER newborn.)

This explanation is good enough for Emma, who, by the end of the episode, invites Hook to move in with her, while evoking thinly veiled allusions to the couple’s shared leather fetish . . .

Once alone, Captain Hook celebrates his good fortune, by twirling his mustache, and laughing maniacally, while shouting at the top of his lungs, “My evil plan worked! She bought it.”

Then, he proceeds to punch a couple of babies in the face, just because he can. Just kidding. He probably did something like this . . .

Now, if only Emma could finally work up the courage to tell the future father of her children / fellow leather fetishist the truth behind her crippling carpal tunnel condition . . .

“Would you believe me if I told you that it’s caused by excessive use of a vibrator?”

The Tale of the Forgotten Stepsister (and the REALLY Forgotten Stepsister)

This week’s Fairytale flashback is a revisit of the same Cinderella story we’ve already seen twice on the series, which makes the season’s promise of “Untold Stories” a bit of a misnomer, at least as far as this episode is concerned. That said, we do get some tweaks to the well-known tale here. One change is that Cinderella leaves the ball, way before midnight, not because she fears her dresses will turn back to rags if she stays, as commonly believed. But rather, because she’s insecure about being poor, and fears that everybody at the ball, the prince included, is secretly laughing at her.

This fear is confirmed for Cinderella, when her Stepmother tells her she looks like a trash bag, and has the same education level of the family’s pet cat. That line itself is really not important to the plot. I just thought it was funny, but also racist / species-ist? against cats. Because some cats I know, like mine, for example, happen to be super educated, just saying.

Harvard Grad, Graduating Class of 9 Lives

But I guess the most important two tweaks to this story, at least for purposes of this episode, are the fact that: (1) Cinderella is so convinced that the prince will never love her that SHE is actually planning to go into the Land of Untold Stories to escape the feared inevitability of her spinsterhood; and (2) it’s actually her “ugly” stepsister Clorinda, who convinces Cinderella to stay in Fairytale land, so that she can be around to accept her Prince’s inevitable proposal.

As luck would have it, Clorinda has also found love . . . SECRET FORBIDDEN LOVE . . . with the prince’s footman, a union of which the Evil Stepmother will never approve.

This gives Cinderella an idea!

Clorinda can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman, where the Evil Stepmonster can never find them and get in the way of their true love. Everything seems to be going according to plan, until Evil Stepmonster uses Cinderella’s insecurities against her AGAIN, to get the latter to spill the beans on Clorinda’s whereabouts, before she can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman. As a result, Evil Stepmonster ends up dragging Clorinda into the Land of Untold Stories with HER, while Poor Footman is left out in the cold, doomed to never have a name, or more than one line of dialogue in this portion of the story.

Speaking of no name or dialogue, Cinderella also has another stepsister. But she gets no name, and pretty much stares at the screen dumbfounded for the first half of the flashback, only to be never heard from again shortly thereafter. No one is looking for her. Nobody cares that her entire family abandoned her for another universe. Basically, Evil Stepmonster’s under-achieving cat gets more personality development than this chick. Talk about an Untold Story!

Defeat and Repeat?

Meanwhile, Regina rushes around town trying to figure out a way to defeat her eviler and hornier half. This results in her ultimately hiring Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll to cook up a potion that will allow her to kill herself, for lack of a better term. (Let’s hope it goes over better than Regina’s lasagna.) Snow White finds herself to be suffering from a bit of an existential crisis.

And why shouldn’t she? The show has been going on for six seasons now. And every season, Snow has to battle two big bads, one of whom is often someone she’s battled before. In fact, Snow has been so busy battling Big Bads that she hasn’t had time to fix that hideous haircut of hers!

So, Snow tells Charming that she’d like to go back to being a teacher, like she was in season 1. She thought she was pretty good at it. And hey, if you forget the fact that time was on a Groundhog Day-esque loop throughout most of the first season, which meant that Snow pretty much taught the same “How to Make a Birdhouse” class to the same exact students for 28 years, I guess you could say Snow was about average, as far as teachers go.

I wonder if Snow White’s birds get a better education than the Evil Stepmother’s cat . . .

Speaking of students, since Storybrooke’s one kid over the age of 2, Henry, seems to be reaching adolescence, Snow has decided she wants to start a high school. She figures Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Frankenstein can teach there right along side of her, bringing the faculty of said high school up to THREE people. Nevermind, the fact that Dr. Frankenstein also happens to be the ONLY DOCTOR in Storybrooke too . . . (I hope he forms two unions, each including only himself, to fight back against these unfair working conditions.)

Storybrooke’s equivalent of a sweatshop worker.

But hey, I guess when you live in a town where half the population is homeless, and the others are trashbags with the education level of cats, you have to improvise a bit when it comes to job creation.

Follow that Stinky Sneaker!

Back in the Cinderella portion of the story, now that Clorinda and her mother have crash landed in Storybrooke, and joined the town’s excessive homeless population, everybody’s favorite Friend to Rats and Rider of Pumpkins decides she needs to find her stepsister. (Again, Clorinda, not the other stepsister, because no one cares about her.)

Cinderella steals her husband’s rifle in anticipation of this meeting, because nothing says, “I’m sorry I ruined your sex life, possibly for all eternity,” like waving a firearm in their face like a raving lunatic. Cinderella’s husband asks Emma for help, because he’s worried that Cinderella will KILL Clorinda, because the latter said some mean stuff to his wife, back when the two women were teenagers. (As good a reason to commit cold-blooded murder as any.)

In order to find Cinderella, and prevent her from becoming a homicidal maniac (After all, the town’s only jail cell is currently occupied by Hyde, so no one else is allowed to commit crime.), Emma uses her magic to produce Cinderella’s stinky running sneaker, and then follows it’s disgusting aroma to the gun-toting princess’ whereabouts.

In the midst of all this toxic shoe sniffing, Emma and the gang come upon the Evil Queen, who despite living inside the dark part of Regina’s soul for the majority of her life, somehow comes fully equipped with a designer wardrobe, complete with a treasure trove of weaves and hair extensions. (It’s rather impressive, actually. Perhaps, Emma and Snow should consider temporarily moving into Regina’s soul. They could learn a thing or two about fashion.)

Evil Queen, who is in full “throw shade at Emma and make her feel insecure” mode . . .

Thank you, Captain Obvious! I thought the problem with being a Savior is that you have to wear pillow cases for clothing . . .

. . . actually makes some really good points about how she’s just as much Henry’s mother as Regina, seeing as she was hiding out inside her soul, while Regina raised him. (This, bringing Henry’s mommy count up to three, for those of you keeping score.)

She even has some motherly tips for Henry about improving his posture so as to project confidence to those around him. Solid advice that Henry’s biological mother could probably benefit from herself, especially since she’s taken to wearing shapeless white sacks on her rescue missions.

Anywhoo, Emma and Co. eventually track down Cinderella, just as she is falling into a trap set by her evil Stepmother, using Clorinda as bate, to MURDER HER WITH HER HUSBAND’S RIFLE! Families are just the best, aren’t they?

Clorinda kind of wants Cinderella to die too, due to whole “sex life ruining thing,” but then Cinderella reunites Clorinda with her lost love the Footman, and all is cool with them . . . until Evil Stepmother stabs Cinderella in the chest.

Fortunately, Emma’s on hand to save Cinderella’s life. Unfortunately, she has a bad carpal tunnel attack just as she’s about to do it, and Cinderella starts bleeding out right before our very eyes.

But rest easy folks. Cinderella doesn’t die. The writers of this show only like to kill off attractive menfolk. For the most part the ladies are invincible. And so, Emma successfully revives Cinderella, and the latter lives to make exceedingly poor life choices, based on insecurities and a love of assault weapons, for another day . . .

One Track Minds

Speaking of poor life choices, sometimes our fixation on certain aspects of our lives, causes us to act out impulsively, and do things we wouldn’t normally do, in pursuit of one specific goal. This appeared to be the case for the Evil Queen, who let a literal monster out of jail, because she was horny . . . also because he was going to help prevent Regina from killing her, but mostly because she was horny.

For Hyde’s part, he allies with the dark side of Regina’s soul seemingly just because he really likes her cooking, also because he wants to get out of jail, but mainly for the cooking.

Then, there’s Prince Charming, who makes a deal with Rumpel to find out the truth about what happened to his father. And we all know what it means to make deals with Rumpel. Spoiler Alert: Usually it means bad things, very bad things. (Although, in this case, all Charming had to do to get this information was give Belle a mixtape, because apparently Rumpel is a 13-year old boy circa 1990.)

And Belle, well she listened to the mix tape, despite the fact that it was from Rumpel, a man her unborn son had told her was up to know good, in a dream she had, in which said son was totally inappropriately hitting on her, and it was kind of gross. Rumpel . . . a man with dark magical powers, who could have filled that mixtape with evil spells that would make her become his lover again, against her will . . . or worse . . . really bad singing / music. But Belle listened to that mixtape from start to finish, despite the apparent risks, because the thought of having her soon-to-be born child grow up without a father simply seemed to much to bear at the time.

And then there was Snow . . . who believed her husband, Charming when he told her he wasn’t going to seek vengeance against the man who killed his father. She believed him, even though he was staring straight at the camera winking at us, with his fingers crossed behind his back, and rolling his eyes intently, when he told Snow he was going to let the matter drop. She believed it, because she really needs to think that after the Storybrooke crew battles their 12th villain of the series, things will go back to normal . . . She’ll become a teacher again. She will grow out her awful hair . . .

Actually, maybe it’s just me that needs to believe in that last one.

And that’s where we leave our friends from Storybrooke at the end of episode 3, determined, desperate, and clad in some super ugly outfits. Until next time, folks!

Little Miss Kanaima Be Wrong – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Dreamcatchers”

“Heading to Old Navy. I hear they are having a sale on performance fleeces . . .”

If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs?  More wuzzles!”

Than this is the episode for you!

Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.

This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born .  . .

Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside .  .  .

Let’s review, shall we?

Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.

Mystery Date

He’s single, Ladies!  Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.

RIGHT SWIPE!

But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited .  . .

Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski .  . . his free time.  There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .

Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead.  Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.

Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer.  “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits.  “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date.  This town is a complete sausage factory.  I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”

We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!

Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . .  .

The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?

 Perhaps, with cleaner ears Donovan will be able to do better Christopher Walken impersonations when threatening Papa Stilinski.  And that would be a win-win for everyone . .  .

She Drives Me Crazy

As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.

Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.

Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly.  I blame ear-wax build-up.  Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.

During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . .  .

Just kidding.

This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad.  Ruh-roh!

Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .

Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever.  (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)

The Inner Circle

Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink.  “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.

“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.  “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”

At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.

“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.

“We can’t .  . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it.  If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.

“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.

“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.

“He’s you,” Liam offers.

“I’m a gay black teenager?”  Stiles inquires, clearly confused.

“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.

“Intense,” adds Mason.

“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.

“Hodor . . . I am Groot .  . . Intense,” responds Mason.

“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.

Scratch and Sniff

Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.

Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.

“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show.  You look like you are new too.  What’s your name?”  Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.

“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.

“I can’t die.  I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.

“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”

“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.

Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool.  SO EMBARRASSING!

“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.

Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.

“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards.  Now can we kill her, pretty please?”  Malia begs.

“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot.  So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.

“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton.  “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”

“Cutting into her spine?  Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?”  Malia asks.

(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)

“Possibly,” admits Deaton.  “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”

“Intense,” offers Mason.

“You’re not even in this scene.  SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.

Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash.  So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.

Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.

“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers.  “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott.  “Malia can go.”

“On it,” replies Malia.  “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week.  She must be ripe.   I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”

So Many Holes, So Little Time

Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.

“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?

“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains.  “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”

Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.

They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s.  It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.

Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.

(You know who isn’t in a hole?  Donovan.  He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth.  That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)

“Intense,” says Mason.

Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.

Strike a Pose

After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.

(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)

At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.

Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”

Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail.  Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.

Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.

Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her.  This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests.  “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you.  Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.

“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?

“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.

“Seriously?  You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?”  Malia complains.

Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.

And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.

Next week on Teen Wolf  . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.

See ya then!

The Women Scorned – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Original Sin”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .

 . . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .

For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .

 . . . muscles . . .

. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .

tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .

OK .  .  . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty.  But I think you get my point . . .  Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, where the women may be the prizes, but the men are typically the fighters.

And that’s always been OK with me .  .  . because . . . I like sausage . . . A LOT!

That said, this week’s female-dominated hour felt like a refreshing change of pace.  It was an hour dominated by women heroines (and anti-heroines) joining forces to protect the men they cared about most . . .

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 . . . sassy foreign chicks with strange unidentifiable accents, who consistently outsmarted every single man with whom they came in contact . . .

 . . . and Quetzalcotal  Q*bert  Catsoup QUETSIYAH . . . a wacked-out, bad-ass witch who takes the concept of post-breakup brooding to an entirely new level .  . .

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(I mean, most of us just buy a pint of Baskin Robbins, break out the sweatpants, cry a bit on the couch and call it a day.)

Now, THIS is a Big Bad I can get behind!

Let’s review, shall we?

Because Hipsters Taste Like Chicken . . .

The episode opens with Stefan, fresh from his summer-long stint hanging out underwater with the cast of Finding Nemo . . .

. . . stumbling down a deserted street at near-dawn, looking less like a hungry vampire and more like one of the dancers in the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller . . .

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He’s doing that dazed, sort of shuffle step thing you do when you’ve just gotten out of a REALLY long movie, and realize that at some point during the second half of Lord of the Rings you’ve forgotten how to walk . . .

Let’s not forget, Stefan has just been on a summer-long, starvation diet, which means he’ll look great in his new swim trunks.  But . . .

Stefan’s first order of business as a free vamp is to get some breakfast to go.  He stops at the generically named Joe’s Bar, where the only thing on the menu is a hipstery looking bartender who somewhat resembles Lindsay Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Samantha Ronson . .  .

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It’s far from the gourmet meal he was hoping for in that it probably tastes a lot like cigarette ash, overpriced hashish, and music by Bon Iver, but it will have to do in a pinch . . .  Seconds after chowing down on the little lady, Stefan suffers a crisis of conscious, or maybe just a bad case of indigestion.  Either way, he allows Not-Sam-Ronson escape with her life . .  .

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Then, Stefan rushes out into the sunlight, and falls to his knees in agony, while he waits patiently for his face to burn off . . .

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Silly Stefan!  Who goes on a tropical adventure and forgets to pack their sunscreen . . . ring?

I Dream of Steffy

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena Gilbert wakes up in bed in cold sweat, wondering why she had a dream about Sam Ronson, and thinking it might be because she’s been watching too many episodes of TMZ, circa 2008.  Damon is lying in bed next to Elena, wondering how anyone could manage to sleep in La Casa de Rich and Awesome and have a dream about anyone other than him!

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Then Katherine stumbles into the room and announces that she had the same dream.  Damn that pesky, Sam Ronson!  She ruins everything, including Damon’s beauty sleep.

Of course, everyone remembers that Stefan was in the dream too.  So, they all head off on a road trip to Random Bar, USA to find Stefan, and literally “put a ring on it,” before his finely chiseled face starts to look like a sundried tomato . . .

Shortly thereafter, we are treated to a scene in which Nina Dobrev (Elena), other Nina Dobrev (Katherine), and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) drive to an undisclosed location, while other Nina Dobrev (Katherine) teases Nina Dobrev (Elena) about not really loving Ian Somerhalder (Damon) as much as she claims that she does, seeing as she continues to have mysterious dreams about Sam Ronson Stefan . . .

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Take into consideration the fact that Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev broke up in real life shortly before filming this scene, and you can imagine what’s going through Ian’s head right about now.

Talk about life imitating art!  This scene is officially Ian’s worst nightmare come to life!  And Damon doesn’t really like it much either . . .

But at least the vampire could take solace in the fact that he still has the girl, something his human counterpart can’t . . .

Invasion of the Pothead Snatchers

Back in Mystic Falls, exotic foreign chick, Nadia, gets a call from Silas, who thinks that Nadia’s last minute decision to kill her boyfriend in a convenient store was a crappy way of her to show her loyalty to the evil villain’s cause.  He wants her to do something more profound.  Clearly, Silas is being short-sighted.  I mean, here is a guy who only drinks human blood out of styrofoam cups, because he finds taking it directly from the skin too tacky and classless.  And here, Nadia killed her boyfriend in a place where STYROFOAM CUPS ARE SOLD!  It doesn’t get much more meaningful than that . . .

Anywhoo, Silas wants Nadia to steal Bar-Boy Matt’s immortality ring (So much ring theft on this show, this week!) and kill him too.  Nadia agrees, but you can tell she’s up to something . . .

She corners Matt in the back of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  Matt is understandably concerned, seeing as the last time these two met, some random dude massaged his face, forced him to wear black colored contacts, and then made him take a nap on the floor.

Sure enough Nadia is massaging his face, and forcing him to wear black colored contacts too!  Except this time, Matt doesn’t take a nap on the floor.  Instead, he starts talking like the villain from every action movie I’ve ever seen.  He’s yelling at Nadia for killing him, one minute, and sucking her face the next.  And it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

Truth be told, I thought Nadia’s beau Gregor was kind of boring.  And Matt can be kind of boring too, at least when he’s not high on pot, then he’s HILARIOUS . . .

But Matt-as-Gregor?  NOW THAT GUY is SEXY with a capital S!  Who knew Zach Roerig had this in him?

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I’m really digging this storyline.

Anywhoo, Nadia tells “Gregor” to call Elena using Matt’s phone.  And though we don’t actually get to hear their conversation, we can imagine it goes something like this . . .

“Hey, Matt are you feeling OK?”

“Ahhh . . . ya . . .why?”

“Because you sound like the bad guy from that cartoon we used to watch back when we were kids . . . the one with the talking moose.”

Fortunately, for Nadia and Gregor, Elena is much too self-absorbed to pay any attention to  sudden personality transplants exhibited by any character on this show whose name isn’t “Stefan” or “Damon.”  And so, she willingly gives Matt/Gregor all the information he needs to find Katherine.

The last we hear of Matt/Gregor he’s asking Nadia to bring him to wherever it is she buried his body (Possibly in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven where she took his life?).  Later that night, Matt wakes up on the floor of his home with mud on his shoes, and no memory of the last six to eight hours.

Just another day in the life of Mystic Falls’ favorite pothead waiter . . .

Speaking of Strange Trips . . .

Stefan awakens in an abandoned cabin, having been rescued by a mysterious woman who looks suspiciously like Sam’s dead girlfriend Luna from True Blood. 

At first, Mystery Woman seems like a pretty gracious host.  She closes the shades to block out the sun.  She offers him a hot beverage . . .

She tells him about how she rescued him, and kindly fed him the owner of the cabin in which they are staying, following his emergence for the sea . . .

Nevertheless, Stefan is understandably leery of his host’s courtesies.  After all, this a woman who willingly admits to being in love with SILAS, a guy whose willingly tried on more different faces than a Mr. Potato Head doll . . .

A guy who threw Stefan’s body into the sea, and then nearly Single White Femaled him out of existence . . .

. . . a guy with more personalities than a game of Guess Who . . .

Clearly, a woman who loves Silas has TERRIBLE taste in men, and is generally not to be trusted.

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Stefan, ever the gentleman, politely asks his gracious host why she doesn’t find Silas and go jump in a lake with him, never to be seen again.  That decision might be good for Stefan, but it would be very bad for the storyline.

Besides, Silas doesn’t want to jump into a lake with Stefan’s host because, the truth of the matter is . . .

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You see, Stefan’s host is not Amara, it’s QUETSIYAHHHHHHH!

Eat your heart out, Silas!

Though I’m generally not a fan of heavy flashback episodes, I do like when villains get to tell their side of the story in a way that’s more subtle and emotionally evocative than the typical last-minute, pre-death, desire for World Domination monologue we typically get in shows like these.

Yes, Quetsiyah (or “Tess” as she now likes to be called) is clearly a wackadoodle, bunny-burning baddie of the Fatal Attraction mold, who simply can’t get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t love her back .  . .

But she’s also smart, savvy, and has a pretty legitimate beef against her old beau, Si . . .

I mean dumping your girlfriend, because you fell in love with her minion?  Understandable.

But jilting your girlfriend at the altar, stealing her immortality cure, and using it on her minion?  That’s just AWFUL!

Torture away, Quetsiyah!  You’ve earned it!

Did I mention that Silas’ “True Love” looks like this?

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I’m officially convinced that in about two seasons, the entire cast of this series will be played by either Nina Dobrev or Paul Wesley.  It’s like Orphan Black for vampires . . .

Long story, short.  According to Quetsiyah, she finds Amara, forces the cure for immortality down her throat, kills her, rips out her heart and offers it Silas, along with another vial of the cure, so he can die too.  You know, like Romeo and Juliet . . . only really, really gross .  . .

The problem is that Quetsiyah never planned on letting Silas and Amara be together in the afterlife.  Instead, he created this weird walled off purgatory place where Quetsiyah and Silas would be stuck together, hating one another for all eternity.  Ahhh, now we are back in familiar villain territory . . .

But then Bonnie dropped the veil, releasing all supernatural beings from purgatory, thus making it possible for “true loves” Silas and Amara to be together again . . . assuming Amara is actually dead, and doesn’t pop up alive and ready to wreak havoc in the season finale . . .

So, now Silas REALLLLY wants to die . . . which means taking The Cure . . . which means killing Katherine and draining it from her body.  Got it?

So, now we know what Silas wants with Katherine.  And we know that Quetsiyah wants to somehow kill Silas, before he gets the cure, so he can end up back in purgatory with her . . .

We just aren’t sure what Nadia wants with Katherine . . . or why the Scooby Gang seems so intent to keep Katherine from Silas, even if that potentially means Silas staying alive longer than necessary and continuing to torture and mind hump Mystic Falls.  I mean, are we sure Silas needs ALL of Katherine’s blood to get the cure?  Maybe he just needs enough to fill an 8 oz. styrofoam cup?

To further complicate matters, apparently throughout history, in response to either Silas and Amara becoming immortal though Amara was arguably only immortal for about five minutes or them not being able to be together, “The Universe” has created throughout history about 85,000 people who look like Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev just so they can fall in love and live happily ever after . . .

It sounds to me like “The Universe” needs to find a more productive use of its time . . . Maybe it could take up blogging . . .

The Clone Wars

Back at the generically named Joe’s Bar . . .

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Damon and Elena question Not-Sam Ronson about her new neck hickey.  And Not Sam Ronson rudely poisons Damon with a shot of vervain.  But hey, at least it’s free booze, right?  That stuff’s hard to come by, these days  . . .

Then, Nadia pops in and asks which one of the Nina Dobrevites in the bar is Katherine, so that she can shoot her.  Katherine “gallantly” points to Elena, but Nadia the body-snatching, threesome-having, boyfriend-murdering sexpot wasn’t born yesterday.  She knows a curly haired, saucy, villain-not-quite redeemed Nina Dobrev when she sees one . . .

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Nadia chases Kat into the woods, and, in an odd turn of events, Elena, the same woman who was so intent on murdering Katherine last season that she nearly lost her humanity for good over it, rushes to her rescue . . .

Unfortunately, Elena has never been all that good at rescuing people, and ends up getting her neck snapped by Nadia in the process.

This is your brain on Quetsiyah . . .

Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Damon has finally found Stefan,  who Quetsiyah has helpfully tied to a chair and covered with plant life.  So much for hospitality!  She explains to Damon that she wants to link Stefan’s mind to Silas’ and then fry both of their brains, so Silas can no longer mind control people anymore.  Possible side effects?  Stefan might be forced to spend the rest of his life as a brain dead moron . . .

Well, at least it’s for a worthy cause.  Let’s do this!

I can already tell I like Quetsiyah more than I ever liked Bonnie, because I found the former’s Latin mumblings amidst fire and candles riveting, while whenever the latter does spells, I have this inexplicable desire to throw things at my TV screen . . .

Stefan is bleeding out of his eyeballs, and Damon looks mildly frightened . . .

Just kidding, I’m sure Big Salvatore was genuinely concerned for Little Salvatore’s well being . . .

Meanwhile, back in the woods, Silas has located Nadia and Katherine.  He is about to mind control Good Ole Nads (that’s my new nickname for her, I just decided) to shoot herself in the heart with a gun.  (I wrote a fanfiction like this once.  Do you think Julie Plec stole my idea?)

. . . when suddenly he starts eyeball bleeding too.  This gives Nads and Kat a chance to escape to a hotel, where hopefully they will have the lesbionic love affair fanfiction writers have been dreaming about for five seasons. I mean, come on!  We already know Nads swings both ways . . . and Kat’s always struck me as being a bit “loose” sexually,  if you catch my drift.

You know who’s totally not getting laid though?  Stefan!  He’s all bloody faced and passed out in a chair.  This gives Quetsiyah the opportunity to tell Damon why he should leave his little bro behind to be the wacky witch’s human voodoo doll / love slave . . .

“Fire hazard, shmire hazard, Steffy . . . I thought you liked candlelight dinners?  (Hint: If you don’t, I’ll make your eyes bleed and chargrill your brain again.)”

According to Quetsiyah, “the Universe” will make sure Stelena is endgame, despite the personal feelings of this particular TV Recapper . . .

Damon considers this for a moment, before ultimately deciding to do the “honorable” thing by strangling Quetsiyah, and taking his brain-fried brother home to recover on the couch . . .

“I’m Stefan Salvatore.  Who the f*&k are you?”

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Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena and Damon watch over a still snoozing Stefan, while they jointly agree that they don’t need no stinking Universe’s blessing to bone each other on a regular basis . . .

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It’s a refreshing show of maturity for Damon’s character – who in the past has shown a tendency toward massively self destructive behavior – that he is refusing to let his own insecurities, or the words of witchy naysayers, get in the way of his relationship with the woman he loves more than life itself. Of all the characters in this show, I would argue that it’s the 175+ year old vampire whose grown the most since the series began . . .

We interrupt this heartfelt Delena moment, to bring you the last five minutes of every episode of a daytime soap opera I have ever watched . . .

That’s right, boys and girls.  Stefan has amnesia!  SURPRISE!

See ya next time, Fangbangers!

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A Life Lived in Shades of Grey – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Fireflies”

“Let [Scott] be the hero of his Black and White World.  Real survivors, you and I, we live in Shades of Grey.”

Ah, sweet Moral Ambiguity!  It’s a touchstone of every supernatural tale.  After all, these characters live in a world where monsters have the capacity to be heroes.

Heroes sometimes turn out to be monsters.

And, no matter how much evil you’ve done, during the course of your lifetime, your character’s likeability is almost always directly proportional to how good you look with your shirt off.

Come to think of it, that’s pretty much true of every show I watch . . .

“Fireflies” saw four of the series’ main characters struggle with issues of morality.  Derek, Allison and Chris Argent each grappled with their instincts toward self-preservation, and shielding their families from harm, versus an obligation to protect innocents, and serve a cause greater than themselves.

As for Stiles .  . .Poor Stiles!  Not only has his sixteen or so years of chastity left him incredibly sexually frustrated . . .

 . . . now it might actually get him killed!

What’s worse?  Stiles responsible decision to get a condom last week, might have actually ended up killing his old friend from PRESCHOOL!

Geez, writers!  What kind of messages are you sending these young impressionable Teen Wolf watchers?

Throw in some very smart fireflies, a couple of very unlucky in love lesbians, and the worst place ever to store a school supply cabinet, and you’ve got yourself another banner hour of Teen Wolf, wolfbangers!

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  He truly knows how to capture the hidden beauty of dead virgins . . .]

Thug Bug Life

In a town comprised of werewolf packs, suicidal cats, servile psychopathic lizards, and kamikaze birds, it doesn’t surprise me at all that Beacon Hills has a Bug Mafia . . .

If nothing else, the first two scenes of this episode illustrated that the insect organized crime contingent is a force with which to be reckoned . . .

It’s 10 p.m.  Do you know where your children are?

Because rest assured, if I was a parent of young kids in Beacon Hills, mine wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house after 5 p.m., at least until they turned 30.  I’d use straitjackets if necessary . . .

The moon is high in the sky.  Two young kids we’ve never seen before (and, most likely, will never see again) are “innocently” catching fireflies in jars.

It would be an adorable and relaxing scene, if we didn’t remember what show we were watching . . .

Sure enough, here comes the Big Bad Boyd Wolf . . .

Hey, did they change Boyd’s Wolf Look, this week?  He’s looking a bit more Mr. T than usual.  Perhaps, they’ve been feeding him this in bank jail . . .

Run into the poorly constructed shed, kiddies!  It worked for the Three Little Pigs!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind!

Boyd is just about to say, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff.  And I’ll blow your house down.”

But then he decides, “Screw it.”

He lifts up the dinky shed, and tosses it aside like yesterday’s trash . . .

Fear not, kiddies.  Help is on the way!  It’s that stealth band of fireflies you captured, and nearly killed, coming to your rescue!  (Talk about a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome!)

While Boyd is literally distracted by shiny objects, the kids make their getaway.

“I’m sure it’s perfectly safe to hug this strange man we found lurking in the woods late at night.”

Elsewhere in the woods, a pair of amorous young lesbians on a camping trip aren’t quite as lucky .  . .

Not to criticize or anything, but if you knew your significant other was deathly afraid of snakes and bugs, why oh why, would you choose, THE WOODS, of all places, as the locale for your first sexual encounter?

Gee Lover, is that a hideously disgusting spider crawling out of your crotch, or are you just happy to see me?

A couple of voyeuristic bugs appear on the side of the tent (Free Porn!), and the ill-fated (Emily?) is out of that tent, faster than you can say, “Are you a top or a bottom?”

Very smart, Emily.  You found a couple of bugs in your tent, so you decided to run outside WHERE ALL THE REST OF THE BUGS ARE!

What happens next is pretty darn disgusting . . . but also oddly impressive.  An entire swarm of creepy crawlies completely engulfs poor dumb Emily and LITERALLY MAKES HER DISAPPEAR . . .

Just like the scene with Heather, I’m pretty sure hallucination was at play here.  Last week, whatever took Heather, used her fear of broken bottles and glass stabbed bare feet to lure her to the window, where she was promptly snatched up.  This week, the same supernatural force seemed to use Emily’s fear of bugs to lure her outside her lover’s tent, using the classic “divide and conquer” strategy.

It’s what happened after that, which confuses me a bit . . .

What kind of creature has the power to make a person evaporate into thin air?  And why wasn’t the same thing done to Heather, who was bodily yanked from her home by something that, at least based on Heather’s expression, was at least partially corporeal?

We all remember, from last season, the Stilinskis’ trusty rule.  “One times an accident.  Twice is a coincidence.  Three times is a pattern.”

Pattern . . . here we come!

Omigod, you killed a Jonas Brother!  (You bastard!)

You know, everyone assumes this season’s serial killer is committing its crimes, because it hates virgins.  But maybe it just really, really didn’t like Camp Rock 2.

Poor Lydia!  Apparently, all her screaming has given her just as bad of a headache as it’s given all of us . . .

She calls out to her mom, to tell her that she’s going to the pharmacy.  But her mom, of course, doesn’t answer.

No surprise.  I mean, this is the woman who failed to notice her daughter had a tatted up man in her bed, on the first day of school.

My new theory is that Lydia’s mom is actually dead, and has been for quite some time.  I think Klaus from The Vampire Diaries killed her . . .

En route to the pharmacy, Lydia ends up taking a detour to the local pool, where the lifeguard is still on duty . . . sort of . . .  This is how you know Jeff Davis and co. have pretty sick senses of humor.  You see, this “guard” may have been a pro, when it came to guarding chastity.  But guarding lives?  Not so much . . .

“If only he had screwed me.  I would have turned into a Real Boy just like Pinocchio.”

Lydia immediately calls Stiles for help . . .

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 . . . causing Stydia fans the world over to cheer . . .

As for Stiles, he’s just jealous that she dialed 911 first.  Damn those pesky authorities!

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Stiles may have missed that first call.  But he’ll be damned if he lets some slimy 911 police escort walk his lady up to her bedroom . . .

That’s a job for Stiles, and Stiles alone . . .

The writers tease fans into thinking Stiles wants to ask Lydia a “Relationship Question,” when he really just wants to know why she still seems to be drawn to dead bodies like a firefly to a rabid werewolves face . . .

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Stiles and Lydia both wonder if Lydia is being controlled by Peter again.  But I’m pretty sure this a red herring.  On one hand, I do believe that Lydia’s “connection” to dead bodies Banshee .  . . she’s clearly a banshee. is what enabled the then-dead Peter to possess her, in the first place.  However, the kills she was drawn to last season, weren’t Peter’s kills, they were the kanaimas.  Likewise, I’m pretty sure this season’s victims were murdered by something other than Peter  . . .

That said, there does seem to be some connection between the fear hallucinations the victims are experiencing prior to their deaths, and the hallucinations the Scooby Gang experienced at the party, care of Lydia’s Mysterious Wolfsbane Juice . . .

Speaking of jumping to conclusions, Stiles immediately assumes that the Lifeguard was murdered by rabid Boyd and Cora.  So, he warns Scott, that the two must be taken down, ASAP, or more innocent people’s lives will be at risk.  Though Stiles’ conjecture ultimately turns out to be wrong, the assumption that Boyd and Cora are already cold blooded killers is necessary to make the rest of this episode work.  It raises the stakes, and makes the characters’ decisions seem bolder and more impactful than they would otherwise . .

Werewolves and Hunters Unite!

Poor Isaac!  The guy has been chopped up, freeze-dried, nipple fried, and pretty much tortured in every way imaginable, these past two episodes, for the sake of “the team.”  And he’s still seems to have red shirt status, among his ever dwindling pack . . .

Scott doesn’t even consider Isaac to be “real help,” when it comes to subduing Boyd and Cora.  Then again, perhaps, that has something to do with Isaac’s insistence on wearing that oh-so-fashionable scarf, on the escaped werewolves trail.  This is Werewolf Hunger Games, not Project Runway, honey . . .

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Still  . . . I must admit, the scarf does look pretty damn good.

Anywhoo, Scott suggests the wolf pack commandeer expert werewolf hunter, and erstwhile enemy, Papa Argent to help with the search.  Derek doesn’t think its a good idea.  So, he lingers behind Scott in his new, uber intimidating, Soccer Mom Minivan, to make sure Argent doesn’t try any funny stuff.

“Pimp my ride, please?”

Come on, Derek.  You’re 24.  What’s with the 45-year olds car?  At least get an option for a sun roof, so you could stick your head out the window, while in wolf mode?

Isaac hopes to use these precious in-car moments with Derek to talk about their “feelings.”  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .

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Though his attempt failed miserably, I respect that Isaac tried to get Derek to open up about his sister, Cora.  If anyone can relate to have complicated feelings about your blood relations, it’s the guy whose dad used to shove him in an icebox, but suffered an untimely death, due to lizard mauling …

As for Papa Argent, after giving Scott a warm welcome . . .

I’ve seen that facial expression somewhere before . . .

He tells his daughter’s ex, who his wife tried to have killed, in no uncertain terms, that he is OUT of the hunting business.  Of course, as Papa Argent is about to learn, the werewolf hunting business is like the mafia.  Everytime you try to get out, THEY PULL YOU BACK IN . . .

. . .  you know by casually getting you to drive by teenage corpses, wearing purity rings . . .

Now comes the educational part of our program, where we learn all about hunting werewolves in the woods . . .

 . . . you know . . . just in case any of you viewers have an interest in taking on that sort of career.  (By the way, was that Papa Argent’s full time job?  I wonder what one gets paid for catching-but-not-murdering-unless-they-REALLY-ask-for-it supernatural creatures that most of the world doesn’t believe exist.)

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In other not important to anything other than this show news, did you know that fireflies in California (at least the ones not involved in insect organized crime) don’t typically glow?  They have no “fire.”  I guess that makes them just . . . you know . . . flies.

Scott helps out the cause by putting little strobe lights everywhere  (Because werewolves like disco?), and doing completely random flips in the air, for no logical reason whatsoever.

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But at least he’s not doing that ridiculous crab walk thing anymore.

“Show-off!”

As for Allison, having been traumatized once by chilling in a cleaning supply closet with this . . .

And again by learning that her mom nearly succeeded in murdering her boyfriend . . .

Allison decides to cope with her Massive Case of the Sads, by doing what she usually does when she’s feeling blue . . . namely shooting up sh*t .  . .

The difference is that NOW she’s shooting sh*t for GOOD, and not for evil . . .

Perched high above the world, Allison uses her bow and arrow to lure Crazy Cora and Boyd right into the Scooby Gang’s trap . . . an “empty school.”  You know, because the Scooby Gang has had so much luck battling baddies at the school, in the past . . .

Isaac notices Allison’s handiwork, and is impressed . . . almost impressed enough to lend her his awesome scarf .  . . but not quite.

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They kill Virgins, don’t they?

Back at the hospital, Stiles makes a not entirely unexpected, but still massively depressing, discovery . . .

Dylan O’Brien knocks it out of the park in this quiet moment that is truly heart wrenching, yet understated, and oddly beautiful   . . .

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A lesser actor would have chewed the scenery here, breaking down into loud sobs.  But Stiles knows that emoting won’t bring his friend back.  And he doesn’t feel as though he deserves pity from Scott’s mom, who happens to be with him at the time, or anyone else.  I imagine a part of him might even feel partly responsible for what has happened . . . and wonder whether he could have somehow prevented it . . .

Yet Stiles doesn’t dwell on these things.  Instead, he composes himself quickly, and focuses on the matter at hand.  Upon examining the two dead bodies, which, by the way, just seem to be lying around the hospital . . . Stiles immediately determines that the way in which they were killed is inconsistent with a werewolf mauling.  Rather, the deaths, both of which having resulted from a blow to the head, a strangling, and a gutting, seem almost ritualistic.

And then, of course, Stiles figures out what these two sorry corpses have in common . . . THEIR ADVERTISED VIRGINITY.

That’s right folks, in Beacon Hills the new rule of  to live by is apparently f*&k or die . . .

Sure enough, our poor bug hating lesbian is revealed to be a virgin as well  . . . a dead virgin.

“Is it Friday yet?’

Though virgin sacrifices are nothing new in horror fare, they actually fly in the face of the teen slasher trope of virgins being the sole survivors of the story.  The sluts always die first .  . .

Needless to say, I’m betting Poor Stiles wishes he was in a slasher film right about now .  . .

MTV’s Favorite Antihero Becomes More Hero (and less anti)

Meanwhile, the decidedly non virginal Peter and Derek meet outside the school to discuss the whole Boyd and Cora situation.  An apt pupil of the “Save Your Own Ass” school of thought, Peter advocates letting Boyd and Cora “kill a few homeless dudes” to work off their rage.  Doing this will prevent Derek from having to murder members of his own pack, in order to save virtual strangers.

Derek seems to seriously consider Peter’s argument.  After all, saving his own ass first, has worked OK for him so far . . . it helped him to become Alpha.

But when the crew manage to successfully trap Boyd and Cora in the boiler room, just a few moments before sunrise, it seems as though Derek might just be able to get away without making the choice.

And he totally would have been able to do it too, were it not for two ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS PLOT OCCURRENCES . . .

(1) The new English teacher for, some reason, feels the need to hang out at school ALL NIGHT grading papers, despite the fact that school has only been in session for about two days   . . . and   . . . on the first day a flock of birds destroyed her entire classroom . . .

and

(2) Some genius thought it would be a great idea to put the school supply cabinet in the BOILER ROOM.  You know .. . because it’s always wise to put large stacks of paper near things that have a tendency to EXPLODE and/or CATCH FIRE . . .

So, long story short, Mrs. McDamselinDistress winds up locked in the boiler room with a very hungry, very pissed off Boyd and Cora.

What’s a Sexy Derek to do?

Ultimately, Derek does the “right thing,” by allowing Boyd and Cora to tear him from limb to limb, so Professor Future Love Interest can live to inappropriately text her students another day . . .

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Then, this happens.  And suddenly, I feel like I’m watching a commercial for Axe Body Spray . . .

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So, yeah, it’s pretty obvious these two beautiful people are eventually going to bang one another.  And I’m glad, for the sole reason that Derek Hale is simply too pretty NOT to be getting laid on a regular basis.

Of course, right about now, getting Stiles laid is much more important.  Screwing Stiles has officially become a matter of life and death.  So, what do you say, Wolfbangers?  Anyone ready to take one for the team?

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

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See ya then, WolfStilesbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

Stake, Rattle and Roll – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Rager”

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Umm, Elena.  This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.

Howdy, Fangbangers!  This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?

She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .

Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .

While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .

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“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!“

Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler.  Because, let’s face it.  Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .

It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .

Poor Tyler!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”

I mean, come on!  If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .

The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder.  The bad news?  He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .

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“Let’s dance!  One-two-cha-cha-cha.  Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”

I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun.  Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .

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“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“

So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all!  He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom!  HOW RUDE!

“You owe me, Bro!  I don’t give up my spit to just anybody!  That sh*t’s sacred!”

Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house,  only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .

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“Hey Tyler.  I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar.  Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”

I kid!  Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.

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After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slaves magical creations are kind of an “endangered species.”  Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do.  Perish the thought!

I don’t know, Klaus.  Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me.  For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction.  Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?

Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want.  But more on that later . . .

Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”

When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . .  .

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 . .  . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . .  Oh Damon!  You aren’t fooling anybody.  We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .

Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing.  And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2.  Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?

“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”

So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .

Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle?  I know I do!  Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .

Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.

And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .

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It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.”  Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!

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That’s right, folks.  Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.

I mean, really.  How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?

Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .

Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights

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Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .

Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .

So beefy!

How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt.  You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school.  Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .

“Try to eat less garlic for dinner.  My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”

Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.

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It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.

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In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.

It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them.  Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .

Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day?  Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .

. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties.  First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .

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Don’t do it, Elena.  Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .

Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal.  And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .

Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.”  Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home?  Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!

BEER BAD!

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So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason?  Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup!  Pretty ingenious, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth?  And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg?  That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!

“Even my spit is awesome . . .”

So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?

Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!

But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party.  And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed.  She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉

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Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.

Yeah, whatever, Elena.  You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .

Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?

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Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan.  But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .

Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season .  . .

But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.  And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .

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Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.”  Now, we know.

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OK.  Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .

And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood  . . .

. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady.  And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week,  will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .

In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .

But back to the beer.  Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.

Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze.  (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!)  So, he was in the clear . . .

At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young.  But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator.  Oops!

No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it!  Elena was out for blood!  She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike.  But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive.  So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?

“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light.  A tasty combination!”

It seemed like a kind of random move to me.  But it sure did piss off Rebekah.  So, mission accomplished, in that regard.  Also, it looked cool.  And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .

“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “

Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)!  It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it?  It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal.  It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . .  “The King of the World.”

It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .

“Yippppeeeeeeeee!”

“Woooohooooo!”

“Yeeeehawwwww!”

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I don’t know.  I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side.   For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving.  She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .

Instead, she did this.  And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree.  Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .

Speaking of Guilt . . .

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Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.  He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“

Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature.  For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love.  So, she did what any girl would do in that situation.  She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .

Don’t worry, Matt lovers.  It was just a dream . . . for now . . .

As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.

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The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.

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But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .

With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .

And Damon would know . . .

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  . . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier.  (Payback is a b*tch.)

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With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .

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Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor.  According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter.  Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.

Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .

Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?

In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?

Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning.  Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different.  In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.

Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids?  Only time will tell . . .

Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode.  Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .

Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him.  And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .

Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .

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Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament.  Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .

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This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet .  . . See for yourself . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Maker’s Mark – A Recap of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

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I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.”  We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.

Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .

Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?

Let’s review, shall we?

In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .

We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire.  And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”

But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.

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“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”

 Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam.   So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break.  Talk about a rude house guest!

But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host.  So, I guess that’s a start .  . .

Speaking of hosts . . .

In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .

It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan.  And HE is AWESOME!

Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .

Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.

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Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.

Can you blame her?

Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass.  Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.

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Sucks for Pam . . .

In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .

After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.

Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.

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Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.

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(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)

Hey, no complaints here . . .

In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .

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Who says True Blood never teaches you anything?  This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.

Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.

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Not bad for a days work, right?

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Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .

In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .

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Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”

Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest.  Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth.  (Dude MUST be gay!)

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“I am . . . at least, in the books.” 

So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .

Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .

In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .

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Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.

Poor Jason!  Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?

(Not that we can really blame her.)

Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.

They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”

But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.

BOO!

So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods.  But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.”  Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.

In other Stackhouse news . . .

In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .

So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.

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My have times changed!  Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp.  And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.

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 Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing.  Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo.  And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .

Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .

And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .

In which we learn how Pam was made . . .

In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.

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 I bet you can’t guess who they were?

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That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.

It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners.  Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.

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But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .

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 . . .  and Pam has set hers in stone.  She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)

Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death.  Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker.  It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.

So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.

And the rest is vampire history . . .

Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker.  Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?

In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”

The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.

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How very Jersey Shore of her.

Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]