(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

It may be 85 degrees and balmy where you live, but over in Westeros, Winter has returned with a vengeance . . .

That’s right, folks. Game of Thrones is back for its penultimate shortened season. And if this premiere is any indication, these seven hours are going to be pretty darn jam packed. In its just-under-an-hour run-time, “Dragonstone” killed a whole bunch of people (though no one we really cared about, so it’s cool), visited with virtually every single one of its main characters, and featured way more poop than you ever want to see on your favorite HBO drama. Heck, they even managed to throw in a completely random (kind of weird) impromptu Ed Sheeran concert?

Obviously, we’ve got quite a bit of ground to cover here. So, without further adieu, in the fitting final words of Dany Targaryen, from the end of this episode, “Shall we begin?”

Walder Frey Fake?

And she got away with it too, because she’s a meddling kid!

We begin the episode with a character, who, I think it’s safe to say, most of us never thought we’d see again. If you recall, the last time we hung out with Walder Frey. He . . . umm . . . kind of lost his head.

But hey, this is GOT. People come back from the dead as zombies and Jon Snow all the time right? So, why not this old dude, who nobody likes or cares about very much?

Anyway, “Walder Frey” has decided to throw another party for his house mates, even though he just threw one last season. Why, you ask? Because he’s just a wild and crazy fun-loving guy, that’s why!

“There ain’t no party like a Walder Frey Party!”

It’s important to note that something about Walder Frey seems . . . a little off. For one thing. He’s SMILING. I don’t recall ever seeing this character smile. In fact, I wasn’t entirely sure he had any teeth. (You know, because he’s old and stuff.)

Also, Walder Frey has decided to make a BIG SPEECH. He’s thanking all his men for being loyal to him. He’s serving them wine. (But his girls don’t get wine, because EWW girls.) He’s congratulating them on the great job they did murdering all the Starks at the Red Wedding . . . wait, what?

This is the point in the episode where Walder Frey rips off his Scooby Doo mask, and reveals himself to be . . . you guessed it, Arya Stark. In one fell swoop, she’s just murdered the entire Frey clan with a vat of poisoned wine (except for the girls because YAY girls). It’s all part of her extended reign of vengeance against ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO EVER DID CRAPPY THINGS TO THE STARKS, which, let’s face it, is pretty much everyone else on the show.

Arya tells a female Frey survivor to tell all who ask her what happened at this “party” that, “The North Remembers,” before walking out of the castle all cool and slo-mo, like a character out of a Quentin Tarantino movie.

It was a fun scene that left me with just one question. When did Arya, who is probably one of the least verbal Starks, save for Rickon (RIP Rickon) become such a great actress and eloquent speaker? Did they offer oratory lessons at the Burgerless White Castle where she hung out last season?

Then again, Arya did spend two episodes with an acting troupe, which, by Westeros standards, is the equivalent of a degree from Julliard.

Et tu Wun-Wun?

Meera and Bran have finally arrived at the Wall, and manage to gain admittance from Jon Snow’s pals there. But first Bran has to wake up from his nap.

This time, Bran dreams of the White Walkers and their massive army of zombies slowly (but not too slowly, because we don’t have many episodes left, remember?) advancing toward the North. Among this army of zombies is none other than Jon’s loyal giant dearly departed pal, Wun-Wun. It’s a small scene that managed to be both very sad, and very scary at the same time.

In the words of that guy from Jaws, it looks like the White Walkers are going to need a bigger boat . . .which leads me to another question: Do White Walkers even know how to sail?

Sisters, Doing it For Themselves . . . Brothers, Not Too Thrilled About It.

Speaking of the North, Jon Snow, as their newly crowned King ,is rallying the troops to mine dragon glass, and use it to make weapons to defeat the White Walkers. He wants everyone, ages 10 to 60 to be part of this effort . . . including the women. That’s right, boys and girls, Jon Snow is a FEMINIST ICON! We all knew he couldn’t have that great head of hair for no reason!

Some of the men in the crowd balk at this idea. But Lyanna Mormont, that fan favorite, and Tiny Juggernaut of Awesomeness, quickly puts all those dumb boys in their place.

And because she’s probably not going to make it to the Iron Throne, I’m just going to come right out and say it: Lyanna Mormont for President of the United States in 2020! Who is with me?

Speaking of strong women, Sansa is clearly no longer afraid to voice her opinion in a crowd of men. When Jon posits returning the Umber and Carstark castles to their surviving family members, even though the two families recently deserted the North, in favor of fighting for the Boltons during the Battle of the Bastards last season, Sansa aggressively dismisses the idea. She argues that those homes should be diverted to families who were loyal to the North instead. Jon quickly shuts Sansa down his relative’s more draconian ruling tactics, by publicly gaining the fealty of the youngest surviving Umber and Carstark, respectively.

Later Sansa praises Jon’s ability to inspire his men, but cautions him on not being dumb / too trusting like the rest of his family, thereby winding up dead like Ned and Rob. Jon, in turn, not so casually accuses Sansa of being just a wee bit like Cersei, in her new take-no-prisoners attitude.

Off stage left, Littlefinger is just eating up all this seeming discord between the two Starks, laughing maniacally, as he twirls his mustache with his left hand, while mutilating an adorable puppy with his right.

Because Every Queen Needs a Sassy Gay Best Friend . . .

Speaking of Cersei, she’s made a giant chalk map of Westeros on the ground of her castle, so that her and Jamie can play a live action game of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? whenever their hearts desire. Pretty neat, right?

Jamie, to his credit, seems just a wee bit frightened of his sister / lover after the whole “blow up the church and all it’s inhabitants / force your own kid to kill himself” thing. He warns Cersei that if she wants to win the Game of Thrones she needs to make some friends, who she won’t ultimately end up murdering, and STAT.

Enter Gay Best Friend, Euron Greyjoy! He’s the perfect supporting cast member to any Leading Rom Com Queen.

So much sass! So many quippy one-liners! So much shade and so many burns thrown in “straight man” Jamie’s general direction.

This would be the perfect character to provide Cersei with meaningful counsel on (1) how to ditch the recent castoff wardrobe from Hot Topic she’s taken to wearing, since her sole remaining child’s demise, and (2) use contouring makeup to accentuate her cheekbones, thereby maximizing the benefits of her new short haircut!

Those are Jazz Hands!

Unfortunately, when Euron asks Cersei to marry him, she says no. But Euron will not be deterred! He’ll be back . . . with gifts! And everyone knows GBF’s give the best gifts EVER!

Samwell Tarley Knows Some Shit . . .Literally

 

I know you’ve all been waiting on pins and needles this entire hiatus, just wondering how Sam is doing with his . . . books. Right?

Well, I’ll spare you the suspense, anyway. We reunite with Sam at the Hogwarts School for Old and Ugly Wizards to find him shoveling lots of poo. Like seriously, there was an actual five-minute long POO scene in this episode. It was as close as GOT has ever come to a musical montage, but with gagging and poo splashing sounds in the place of actual music. (The Poo Emoji from the Emoji Movie would just eat this shit up, I’m sure! Everyone else, not so much . . .)

“I’m finally getting the media representation I deserve!”

Apparently, when Sam isn’t cleaning bed pans for the elderly, he spends his time staring longingly at a locked cabinet of SECRET BOOKS, and digging into the Spaghetti and Meatballs-esque looking entrails of some dead lady for “science.”

While continuing to make me wish I didn’t just happen to have Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner tonight, Sam chats up a Maester about the White Walkers and how they will most inevitably bring about the apocalypse, yadda yadda yadda. To which the Maester responds that, even when it seems like all hope is lost, the world keeps on turning, and, of course, a franchise as successful as Game of Thrones MUST have some sort of sequel. I mean, no one is just going to throw all that financial away!

So apocalypse probably averted, I guess, maybe?

Oh, and I almost forgot, someone unseen off screen asks Sam about Dany Targaryen’s whereabouts. Then the camera pans toward the heretofore unseen gentleman and this happens . . .

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Jorah Mormont. And either his greyscale has gotten way worse, or he should seriously consider switching to a better brand of moisturizer . . .

In Which Both Sansa and Brienne Swipe Left . . .

I mention this seemingly throwaway scene where (1) Tormund shamelessly hits on Brienne while she’s trying to train Pod to battle White Walkers, while (2) Sansa saltily spurns Littlefingers increasingly insistent entreaties to the dark side, only as an excuse to show you these great memes (thank you, The Nerdist) I stumbled upon, likening Tormund’s and Brienne’s not-so-romance (at least, not YET!) to some of greatest cinematic duos of all time . . .

Speaking of a throwaway scene . . .

It’s Time for a Completely Random Ed Sheeran Interlude . . .

For reasons I can’t even begin to explain, Arya stumbles upon Ed Sheeran (no, I’m not kidding), while he’s giving an impromptu concert in a forest. Ed offers Arya some wine and a dead animal to eat, and asks her what she’s up to later this evening. (Because Ed Sheeran has always had some serious game with the ladies, naturally.)

“I’m going to murder the Queen,” Arya replies honestly.

Everyone laughs. End of scene. I still can’t figure out whether this was actually part of the show, or something that came to me in a fever dream about Game of Thrones . . .

In Which Hound Temporarily Takes Over Bran’s Job For Reasons . . .

“Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memories, of the way we werrrrreeee.”

While chilling with the Brotherhood Without Banners, Hound stumbles upon a cabin where some people he met back when he and Arya were “pals” are now dead. This gives Hound a surprising case of the sads, so he respectfully buries them. Then, he looks into a fire and, for some reason, sees the same vision of the White Walkers that Bran saw earlier in the episode.

“What can I say? I’m the man of everybody’s dreams . . . and hallucinations.”

I don’t know about you, but it just kind of looked like Fire to me. Then again, I never could manage to see the pictures in those Magic Eye drawings . . .

Just a bunch of dots . . .

Dragonstone: It’s Like King’s Landing, Only Dragonier . . .

The episode ends with Dany finally reaching her homeland of Dragonstone. The décor there seems a bit Fortress of Solitude Meets Ikea. It even comes equipped with its very own uncomfortable chair, not unlike the Iron Throne! (Because, apparently, everyone in Westeros absolutely abhors seat cushions!) In fact, the only relatively comfortable looking seat on this entire show was Tywin’s toilet bowl, and we all know how that turned out for him . . .

Worst seat in the house?

Also in Dragonstone, a miniaturized version of that Where in the World is Carmen San Diego map Cersei has in her house. But this one comes with Monopoly pieces, so it’s way more convenient, albeit less aerobic. Dany looks at Tyrion pointedly, and they decide to begin a game . . . the Game of Thrones, of course!

Until next time . . .

 

 

 

 

Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 1 Recap “The Wars to Come”

Game of Thrones is back, Bitches! It’s Season 5. All the major players in the race to the Iron Throne have already been introduced.   And I only had to check the Wiki ten times to confirm the names of characters, instead of my usual 27, so progress, for me, anyway!

Like most premiere GOT episodes, “The Wars to Come” was less about big battle scenes, shocking beheadings, scandalous sex, and unintentionally humorous toilet bowl murders, and more about reintroducing and reconfiguring all the human chess pieces in this increasingly complicated, but thrilling, quest for World Domination.

Let’s review, shall we?

Once Upon a Time There Lived a Girl Who Was Kind of a Bitch . . . – Starring Flashback!Cersei and Unnamed Friend

Saucy Cersei and her handmaiden travel deep in the forest and come upon a witch. Cersei is disappointed she isn’t uglier and only has two eyes instead of three.  The witch seductively licks young Cersei’s blooded finger, upon the young girl’s demand to hear her future.

“Everyone wants to know their future, until they know their future,” the witch says wryly, offering the young royal three questions to sate her curiosity.

Like any pretty pretty princess, bratty Cersei wants to know if she will marry a prince and become Queen. Fortunately, the witch has watched the first four seasons of Game of Thrones on HBO, and has all the answers Cersei is seeking.

“Yes, you will marry a king,” the witch says.

Cersei is pleased. Because even saucy little girls still believe in fairytales. And she feels like she’s just been granted her happily ever after. She is not yet old enough to realize that being happy and being powerful can, at times, be mutually exclusive.

“Will we have children?” Cersei questions on.

That’s question two.

“The king will have twenty children, and but you will have only three,” the witch pronounces.

“But that doesn’t make sense,” whines young Cersei.

Oh to be young, dumb and innocent without access to HBO . . .

“Cold will be their crowns . . . cold as shrouds,” prophesizes the witch.

Then we hear cackling as we fade back into present day. Hmmmm . . . wonder what the third question would be? I’m thinking it might be something about when Botox will be invented. A Queen always does need to look her best, and her stiffest, after all   . . .

Meanwhile, back in present day . . .

Another Day, Another Family Member’s Corpse on top of which to Possibly Become Impregnated – Starring Cersei and Jamie

We all remember that controversial scene from last season, where Jamie kind of / sort of/ definitely did rape his sister Cersei literally on top of their incestuous son Little Shit Joffrey’s bulbous poisoned purple corpse.

Well, this season finds ole Cersei and Jamie communing over a casket once again, their father’s. Same room. Same creepy fake eyes over his real dead eyes. Only this time, the two have enough sense to keep their clothes on. So it’s much more PG, and much less like that “No means no” video on rape and sexual harassment you watched in your high school health class.

Cersei blames Jamie for indirectly killing their father, by freeing their brother Tyrion from captivity . . thereby allowing the latter to gouge out their father’s innards, as he relieved his bowels on the toilet, while taking a brief potty break from porking Tyrion’s love interest, Shae.

Well, if there’s one way to keep a man from getting randy, it’s by accusing him of murder and of being mildly mentally retarded. Way to go Cersei! If everyone spoke to their lovers like you do, we wouldn’t need those pesky condoms anymore.

I am the man in the box . . . – Starring Varys and Tyrion

Speaking of talk about bodily functions, this scene opens with a very graphic description, courtesy of Tyrion, of how one survives for days traveling from Kings Landing to Pentos inside a box with holes in it. Apparently, you just push your poop out of the holes and wait for someone (Varys) to retrieve them.

This is not the Tyrion of Season 1 and Season 2. The one that was jolly, hilarious, and all around friggin awesome. This Tyrion has a big ole face beard, and excels at precisely three things: box pooping, drinking, and feeling sorry for himself.

“The future is shit just like the past,” says Tyrion.

You can say that again, Tyrion!

A Hot Black Guy with No Balls Enters a Brothel . . . – Starring a Guy with No Balls

Did you hear the one about the guy with no balls, who goes into a brothel, just to get a little wholesome spooning and a nice lullaby?

Well, apparently he gets murdered by a guy in a mask from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.

I think there was supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere, but apparently I missed it.

When Dany mother of dragons hears what happened to her ballless acquaintance, she views it as a sign of revolt from the good people of Mereen. She wants the peerless scarred buried publicly and with honor.

Missandei, Dany’s closest advisor, hears the awful story about the dead no-balls hot guy, and it somehow makes her confused / jealous. Women . . . am I right? She quickly asks her new beau, Grey worm, why a man unable to get an erection could possibly want to go to a whore house, if he can’t, you know, sample the merchandise?

Some folks just like to torture themselves, I guess . . . like former alcoholics who work in bars, blind folks who work in museums, and people who didn’t manage to find the leaked episodes of Game of Thrones who went on Tumblr and Twitter today . . .

Grey Worm doesn’t provide Missandei with this response, of course, knowing instinctively, that, when it comes to the people you sleep with, sometimes the best answer to dangerous questions like these is no answer at all.

Creepy Melissandre is creepy – Starring Jon Snow and Co. on the Wall

Some time has passed since last season, and it seems Gilly has seamlessly adapted to the role of Samwell Tarly’s nagging wife. “Why don’t you earn to fight like these men? Don’t let the bad wilding hating man send us away! Why do you always insist on leaving the toilet seat up when you go to the bathroom, but never change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty.”

Meanwhile, Jon Snow is meeting Lady in Red, Melissandre, for the first time. “Hi nice to meet you, I’m the lady that once gave birth to an evil black monster that killed Renly Baratheon. Are you, by chance a virgin?” She asks.

Not one for small talk, is she?

Jon admits that, unlike the unfortunate unsullied from earlier, he has, in fact sampled the merchandise of that adorable wilding ginger Ygritte.

Jon Snow used to “know nothing.” But, apparently, not anymore.

Melissandre seems ridiculously thrilled to hear this information, which would make me seriously worried, if I was Jon Snow. Usually witches only cast spells using virgin sacrifices, but it seems like our Lady in Red is quite willing to make an exception for this hot piece of man meat.

After completely creeping out Jon Snow, Melissandre takes him to meet her current bed friend, Lord Stannis. Grumpy Stannis has a proposition for his younger, hotter new pal. He knows that Jon has sympathies for the wildings, based on his Season 3 time as an undercover Wildling, and his ill-fated relationship with Ygritte. He also knows that he has some sway over their fearless leader, Mance Rayder.

Grumpy Stannis entreats Jon to convince the Wildlings, through Mance to fight alongside of Grumpy Stannis and help him to win the iron throne, in exchange for their freedom from further persecution by . . . . well, anyone who isn’t a Wilding, I guess. He tells Jon that he has until nightfall to convince the leader to bend the knee or, he dies.

Sir Robin of Wimpyness  –Starring Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger

For no other reason, I suspect, then to suggest the possibility of a positively ridiculous spinoff show, we learn that Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger, before jetting off on their journey toward World Domination, have smartly ditched the brat with an unhealthy love for his mother and for throwing people out the moon door, by dropping him off at a Sword Fighting School?

“He wields a sword like a girl with palsy,” says his would-be teacher.

Well, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sure some girls with palsy are really quite good with swords, when given the opportunity to practice . . .

Just like with Tyrion before her, it becomes quickly apparent that this isn’t your Older Sister’s Sansa Stark. Seasons 1 through 4’s Sansa was shy, quiet, meek, aggressively polite, and, at times, honestly, seemed a bit daft.

Dark!Sansa has a deeper, raspier voice, as if she spent the entire hiatus smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and an icy cold mirthless demeanor that would give even the Icy Queen herself, Cersei Lannister some pause.   I guess this is what happens when you get a Littlefinger in you . . . 😉

Speaking of Cersei, Sansa and Little Finger are apparently traveling to a place where the evil the evil wench can’t find them. Disney World, perhaps?

Drinking the Kool Aid – Cersei and Lansel

Cersei’s cousin, Lancel, is so traumatized by his memories of sex with Cersei, that he shaves his head, dons a monk’s outfit, and joins over a religious cult known as the Faith of the Seven. This only proves that porking Cersei Lannister can only lead to the loss of things, like your hand, your bowels, your life, and your mind.

Her vajayjay is clearly poisonous.

Loras Tyrell – Loser at Life, Stallion in the Bedroom –Starring Loras, Margaery and Loras’ boy toy whose name I can’t remember

This scene is wholly not important, except that it contains the only consummated sex act of the episode between Loras and his beau. Margaery interrupts the pair and is totally cool with it. Margaery is just a pretty cool person all around . . . you know   . . . except for the whole marrying and seducing ten-year olds thing . . .

As Loras lounges nude in bed, post coitus, he casually discusses with Margaery their mutual bugaboo, Cersei, who is still sort of kind of betrothed to Loras. Loras posits that a marriage to him will get Cersei out of Kings Landing, and, thereby, out of Margaery’s hair for good. “Sure,” Margaery considers. “Then again, so will murdering her like my grandma murdered that little shit, Joffrey.”

Though, she says all this in a much more classy way than I could ever say it.

Margaery Tyrell . . . classiest pedophile ever.

In which Varys convinces Tyrion to join Team Mother of Dragons – Starring Tyrion and Varys again

Twenty minutes have passed, and Tyrion is still moaning and feeling sorry for himself. Hey, Tyrion, the death of Shae and Poop Murder of your father was so last season. Get over it.

Just kidding. It’s kind of sucked to be Tyrion, since sometime back in season two.

Varys makes it his personal mission to cheer up Tyrion, and get his ass back into slightly less inebriated fighting mode. He majorly talks up Dany as the new would-be, benevolent, but strong and firm, ruler of the iron throne. Varys hopes sincerely that Tyrion will meet with Dany and join the cause to help her rise to be queen over all those other assholes currently jockeying for the position. Tyrion agrees to take the trip, but only if he can get wasted on the way there. Fair enough, Tyrion. You’ve earned your drunk today.

Are you the Mother of Dragons or the Mother of Bitches? – Dany and Daario

The former rulers of Mereen, are willing to concede to the whole “no more slaves” thing, if they can reopen the fighting pits and watch all the people who used to wipe their butts beat the ever loving shit out of one another.

Dany is hesitant to accept this compromises, as she sees reopening the fighting pits as akin to the slavery she just abolished. Later Dany pillow talks about her quandary with her new beau, Daario. There are definitely too many people with weird, hard to spell, sound alike names beginning with “D,” “M,” and “J” on this show.  (It’s a good thing that “Dany” and I are on a nickname basis. She calls me Jewls, in case you were curious.)

Daario thinks Dany should reopen the pits. He recalls that learning to fight professionally gave his life purpose. Maybe it could do the same thing for some of these newly free weinerless folks. Dany wonders whether, by reopening the pits, she would be forsaking the very same people she had sworn to protect.

“You are not the mother of unsullied, you are the mother of dragons,” Daario replies.

He’s pretty suave, that Daario. No wonder he is the main love interest on every single cable show in existence right now

Speaking of the dragons, at least the two she didn’t set free, they are kind of pissed at her, for the whole locking them in the dungeon thing, and breathe fire at her, when she goes to visit them.

Teenagers. Can’t live with them, and apparently, it’s illegal to decapitate them . . .

Burning Man Festival – Wilding Edition – Starring Jon Snow and Mance Rader

As he promised to Stannis, Jon approaches Mance about joining the former’s army as being a better deal than, you know, being publicly burned alive and stuff. Mance admits that being burned to death in front of his followers would be a little painful and embarrassing. So much screaming like a girl, so much charred Mance bits flying at the crowd. But still, he has pride in himself and in his people, and isn’t willing to bargain away their freedom even if it means saving his own ass from becoming a meal at the local steakhouse.

“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted,” Mance states solemnly.

He and Dany must have gotten the same fortune cookie on their last trip to the Chinese restaurant.

Later that night, as promised, Mance refuses to bend the knee to Stannis, and waits on the pyre to be burned in front of a throng of well and not-so-well wishers at an impromptu Burning Man festival on the wall.

But then, just as the flames start to licks Mance’s tatas, Jon Snow mercifully shoots an arrow at his heart, and kills him, before he has the chance to scream like a little girl.

The whole looking like a meal at the steakhouse part, though, that just couldn’t be helped, unfortunately.

And that was episode one of Game of Thrones in a nutshell. Toodles!

The Hunted – A Review of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 5 Premiere, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  It appears we have a lot of catching up to do . . .

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So, tell me, how did you spend YOUR summer?  Did you travel to far off places?

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Meet some new and interesting people?

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Get healthy by starting a new . . . um . . . workout routine?

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Change up your look a bit?

Black eyes are the new orange . . .

Perhaps, you just spent the summer relaxing by the pool?

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To be honest, it’s been so long, I’m just hoping that none of you DIED, and are merely carrying on the facade of living to spare my feelings.  (Please let me know if you are.)

Regardless of what . . . or who . . . you were doing this summer, sometimes it’s just nice to return home and connect with old friends.

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This week’s TVD Season Premiere saw most of our favorite Mystic Fallians heading into uncharted waters . . . sometimes literally.

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For Caroline and Elena, this meant going from vampires at the top of their high school food chain, to freshmen in college, who can’t attend frat parties, because no one will invite them in . . .

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For Damon, this meant staying home and having to babysit unruly humans, while his girlfriend was off having fun, and his brother was .  . . taking a really long bath.

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For Stefan, this meant interminable and repeated death by drowning . . . all while suffering from the knowledge that his brother and former lover were boning, and his shadow self was off wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls, while wearing his face . . .

Katherine was forced to relearn the ignominy of running in high heels, and seducing men with her hot body and sexy smoker’s voice, as opposed to merely compelling them to like her like she used to do . . .

Matt had to endure .   . .  whatever the f*&k happened to him at the end of the episode . . .

And Bonnie had to remain virtually ignored and invisible, while all her friends were out having storylines of their own, barely acknowledging her existence . . .  which, if you think about it, is not too different from what Bonnie does every season.

In a show where more than 3/4’s of the characters are supernatural, there tends to be a lot of focus on predators and hunters, those with the power to feed on the weak and innocent.  But, at least at the start of Season 5, our Scooby Gang is feeling a lot more vulnerable and unprepared than usual.  They are the prey . . . the hunted.

Let’s review, shall we?

Summertime Blues

Poor Stefan and Bonnie!  All their friends have been so busy having sex with one another, that nobody seemed to notice that they both “died.”

That’s the trouble with being a broody loner, Stefan Salvatore.  When you fall off the face of the Earth, everybody just assumes that you need “space,” and not that your evil doppelganger buried you in an underwater tomb for all eternity . . .

As for Bonnie, her situation is arguably even more pathetic than Stefan’s.  By following said friends and family around unseen, while engaging them in one-sided conversations in which they will never take part, and shouting at them unheard, Bonnie has taken her usual sidekick status to a whole new level:  She’s become a TVD viewer .  . .  a fangirl!  The writers might as well put her on a couch, in front of a flat screen, for all her plot significance.

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Those of you who have lost someone special in your life, can probably relate to the belief that that person is up in Heaven somewhere looking down on you, doing his or her best to protect you and keep you safe.

And yet, you kind of hope they aren’t watching you ALL the time, right?

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I mean, I don’t know how you picture YOUR Heaven.  But in my version, there’s a lot more to do there than simply watch the television channel tuned in to Your Loved Ones broadcast network.  My Heaven is happening place.  The people there party, socialize, and engage in hobbies.  They have LIVES in death.

So, as much as I think it’s “swell” that Bonnie is spending her ghost moments making sure her friends are happy, and aren’t missing her too much, I also think the writers have painted themselves into a bit of a corner with the character.  They need to either write her a storyline that puts her ghostly tendencies to good use, or write her out of the show.

Because, honestly, if I wanted to watch someone scream at Damon and Elena completely unnoticed, I’d just put a camera on myself . . .

*gingerly steps off soapbox*

In happier news . . .

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Last season’s TVD finale marked the blossoming of two (sort of) new romantic relationships.  After an entire season characterized pesky sire bond concerns, humanity switches in the off position, arguments about Silas and The Cure, and crippling cases of Survivors Guilt, Damon and Elena FINALLY declared their love for one another the night after Elena’s graduation from high school.

As for Matt and Rebekah, their courtship was much less complicated: a few longing looks, and sexually suggestive comments, culminating in a decision to spend a summer on the road engaged in a good old fashioned no-frills Screwfest . . .

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to prefer my TV relationships unbearably sexually tense, and frustratingly unresolved .  . .

What can I say?  I’m a girl who loves the chase?  Romantic bliss bores me . . . at least when it’s of the fictional variety.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by how Damon and Elena and Matt and Rebekah behaved as couples.  I liked that both of these couplings seemed to make all parties involved better versions of themselves.

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The typically straight-laced Elena and Matt seemed happier, more carefree, and, of course, more sexually adventurous under the romantic tutelage of their naughty vampire counterparts.

As for Damon, he remained every bit of the snarky, sex-crazed, vampire I fell in love with three seasons ago.  And yet, finally obtaining the woman of his dreams has given him a certain maturity that his 170+ prior years on Earth never did.  In this episode, alone, we saw him take genuine fatherly concern in the well being of Jeremy Gilbert, the same kid he killed in Season 2 in a drunken rage fueled by romantic rejection.  Now, that’s progress!

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What’s more, Damon was willing to put aside the wounds of a 145 year long crush to help an ex-girlfriend in need, no sexual favors required.

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As for Rebekah, apart from the discovery that she might be bisexual, we learned little about what a summer of European sex with Matt has done for her personality.  But she did seem a bit less bratty than usual, don’t you think?

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Summer romances are easy.  The weather is hot.  The workloads are lighter.  And we’re all slightly more naked and carefree.

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The real test of these two functional couples will be weather they can survive the blustery fall and the long bitter cold of winter?  With Elena off having coed college adventures  . . .

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 . . . Rebekah embarking on TV spinoff territory, and Matt possibly turning into a Demon spawn, can these loves last through Sweeps Week?  Only time will tell . . .

Vampire College Hijinks

I know comedy is not the main purpose of this show.  But am I the only one who thinks that the writers missed a real opportunity for hilarity by killing off Megan, a.k.a. The Unwanted Third Roommate so quickly?

I mean, think about it.  These Mystic Falls vamps are so used to living around folks who think it’s totally OK to guzzle from a blood bag, require formal invitations to enter establishments, brainwash pesky teachers and neighbors, and occasionally nibble on a neck or two.

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Imagine all the fun that could be had by pairing go-with-the-flow vamp Elena and Type-A hyper vamp Caroline with a TRULY CLUELESS college coed (which, I suspect we will learn, Megan actually wasn’t).  I can already picture Elena and Caroline putting scrunchies on the door, to fend off Megan, not when they are having sex like most dorm mates do, but when they are engaging in a blood binge.  (Megan would probably think they were secret lesbians, as opposed to secret vampires.)

Caroline’s and Elena’s differing opinions about how to handle Megan also seemed ripe for situation comedy.  I can already see Caroline regularly compelling Megan (once she got her off the “protein” vervain water, of course) to do her bidding, and then going to ridiculous lengths to hide that compulsion from the more gentle-hearted Elena . . .

“I swear, Elena.  She just did all my laundry, because she REALLY, REALLY wanted to . . .”

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But alas, Megan was destined to be Senseless Death Patient Zero in this show known for introducing seemingly important characters to provide product placement, and then die quick and painful deaths 20 minutes into the series . .  .

That said, Megan’s odd connection to Elena’s father (suggested by the picture on her cell phone), her seeming knowledge of vampire lore (illustrated by her ownership of vervain, and her casual refusal to get Caroline and Elena invited into the frat party), and the way that her death was clearly perpetrated by, and promptly covered up by a vampire (bite marks . . .  fake suicide note), made for an intriguing introduction to this season’s college-based storyline.

(Speaking of faked suicides, rumor has it that if your college roommate offs themselves during the semester, you get straight A’s for the year.  If Elena’s and Caroline’s attendance records at Whitmore College are anything like the ones they had at Mystic Falls High, that perk is going to come in mighty handy for them this season.)

In other college coed news, Caroline is seemingly suddenly single, after her boyfriend Tyler, once again decided to dump her by voicemail, opting to defer his freshman year at Whitmore, in exchange for “helping out a werewolf pack that needs me.”

Yeah . . . because that worked out SOOOO well for you last time, Tyler.

As for everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, with new dude Jess clearly keeping his eye on her, and Klaus just a couple hours away in New Orleans, I suspect she won’t be single for long . . .

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mr. Mom and The Juvenile Delinquents

Damon’s promise to Elena that he’ll be a good little house husband, while she’s off getting her learning on hits a bit of a snag, when he gets an unwanted visitor in the form of a newly human Katherine Pierce.

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One of the problems with spending your 500 years on Earth pretty much pissing off, breaking the hearts of, and/or eating everyone you meet, is that eventually Karma will come back to bite you in the ass in pretty major way.

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Such is the case with Katherine, who has such an impressive talent for losing friends and alienating people that, by the end of the episode, she literally has an ENTIRE TOWN of people out to get her . . .

Katherine may have lost her ability to run in high heels without getting blisters, drink 3 bottles of tequila without getting drunk, compel enemies to do her bidding just by staring at them, and appear perfectly clean despite rarely being seen showering, or brushing her hair . . .  (Seriously, Girlfriend was downright dirty looking this week . . . Thank goodness for Damon’s magical bathtub, or we’d probably be able to smell her through the TV screen.)  But her snarktastic sense of humor, seductive talents, and supremely selfish sense of self-preservation remain refreshingly intact . . .

As difficult as it must have been for Elena’s doppelganger to ask Damon, of all people, for help, she did it without batting an eyelash.  And, in doing so, she succeeded, at least temporarily, in gaining herself a powerful vampire ally in a world where it has literally become almost impossible for humans to survive through midseason .  .  .

Of course, by the end of the episode, she screws that up too.  But she still gets points for trying . . .

Speaking of navigating rough terrain, as if being the Creepy Kid Who Sometimes Talks to Dead People didn’t make him enough of an outcast, JerBear now has to add “came back from the dead” and “burned down his childhood home, just because he wanted attention” to his social resume.

The character’s inherent weirdness aside, I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting high school student would be stupid enough to attempt to beat up Jeremy after getting a look at those crazy muscles he’s sprouted in the past year in a half.  Seriously, DUDE IS JACKED UP!

Also, people rumored to have burned down their house?  Their usually not the kind of people you want to mess with.  Just saying . . .

And yet, on Jeremy’s first day back at school as a “real live boy,” he gets picked on by not one, but TWO ridiculously stupid teens.  So, he proceeds to wipe the floor with both of them . . .

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Now, I’m not generally a proponent of violence, but those two douchebags had it coming.  No one gets between a 16 year old boy and his cell phone . .. NO ONE!

Under normal circumstances, I suspect Damon Salvatore would be proud of his surrogate baby bro and law for sticking up for himself.  But Jeremy’s impending suspension spells trouble on the horizon between Elena and Damon, the latter of whom PROMISED to keep JerBear on the straight and narrow, while she was away at school .  . .

So, Damon tries his hand at the “Dad Thing” offering Jeremy a surprisingly paternal lecture, and getting him accepted back into public school with the help of a little good old fashioned compulsion.  As for the unruly Katherine, he offers her his protection and a much-needed bath.  And so peace at La Casa de Rich and Awesome is restored . . .

For about five minutes, anyway . . .

Dr. Stefan and Mr. Silas

Even underwater and about three-quarters dead, Stefan Salvatore can’t help but be his brooding, mopey self, hallucinating conversations with Damon, in which the latter instructs him to turn off his humanity (just like he told Elena to do last season), and conversations with Elena where she tells him to keep his humanity ON.

Meanwhile, Doppelganger Silas is having FUN!

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He’s wearing (gasp) un-ironed shirts!

His hair is less Christian Bale as Batman, and more Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies.

He drinks police women’s blood out of styrofoam cups, and then reads their minds, just because he can  . . .

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He knocks directly into Jeremy’s recently-healed over Hunter tattoo at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, silently daring the the former killer to recognize him as Silas.

He gets all flirty with Katherine in the bathtub, and then, mere seconds later, tries to strangle her, like its the most natural thing in the world.

When she slashes his face with a straight razor, and runs away from him he seems more amused than annoyed . . . the Devil’s version of foreplay.

Whereas Klaus’ villainy came from a place of impulsivity, a hunger for power, and a subconscious need for love and attention, Silas is much more purposeful and single-minded, always appearing to be at least one step ahead of his adversaries.

When Damon instructs Jeremy and Katherine to drive far away and not tell Damon where they are going (so that Silas cannot lift that information from Damon’s mind), Silas cleverly offers up the whereabouts of Stefan (who, up until this point, Damon did not even know was missing in the first place), in exchange for Damon turning in Katherine.

But Katherine’s pretty single minded too, when it comes to saving her ass.  And she orchestrates her own escape at Jeremy’s expense, by crashing Baby Gilbert’s car, while she and Mr. Muscles are still inside.

(OK, people REALLY have to stop murdering this kid.  It’s getting old . . .)

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It’s Daddy Damon to the rescue!  He lovingly holds JerBear in his arms, and nurses him back to life, by feeding him his own blood . . .

How sweet . . . and kind of gross . . .

By the time all this is happening, Katherine, of course, is long gone . . . but for how long?  And what exactly does Silas want from her anyway?  Methinks it has something to do with that annoying ass Cure they kept babbling on about last season .  . . the same Cure that now courses through Katherine’s veins . . . making her vulnerable, yet, at the same time, valuable.

In other words . . . she’s Elena 3.0 .  . .

Ain’t No Party Like a Mystic Falls Party . . .

If I lived in Mystic Falls, one thing I would never ever do is attend a party, or memorial service, or period-themed dance, or graduation ceremony, or film showing of the movie classic, Gone with the Wind . . .

In fact, I’ve become entirely convinced that Mystic Falls parties are part of a suicide pact among Mystic Falls residents.  They attend out of some mutually held agreement to regularly thin out the population, kind of like that short story I had to read in school called The Lottery, where spoiler alert, the winning townspeople got stoned to death . . .

This year’s “End of Summer” party is no different.

Matt meets up with the pretty lady Rebekah made out with in Europe at the beginning of the episode.  The good news?  She flirts with him, and gives him back his much coveted Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  The bad news . . . Matt has officially become one of the ill fated Bon Temps residents from Season 2 of True Blood.  Anyone whose seen the show knows exactly what I’m talking about . . .

This is what happens to you when you let strange men sneak up behind you and give you scalp massages while chanting in Latin, Matt!

Silly boy!

So, who the heck is this Nadia check, anyway?  And why is she giving Matt the black-color contact treatment?

Feel free to post your guesses in the comment section.

In other news, this Mystic Falls Party had a super special guest speaker . . .

SURPRISE!  IT’S SILAS!

Silas’ first order of business?  Kill the Mayor?  Why?  Because it’s fun!

Also, because the Mayors on these types of shows pretty much always have to be brutally murdered.  It’s like Supernatural Teen Show Rule Number 1.

Sorry Bonnie.  The bad news is that this show clearly hates you.  The good news.  Now you have a ghost dad!  Ghost Dads are fun!  Just ask Bill Cosby!

Next order of business, hypnotize the entire town to become your mindless Katherine Hunting Slaves .  . .

Now, admittedly that was pretty impressive.  But also kind of unnecessary.  Why didn’t Silas just brainwash Katherine, back when he had her in the tub?  She’s human after all, and presumably entirely susceptible to that sort of thing.

Then again, I guess if he did that the story would be over, and we wouldn’t have a show.  So, here’s to overly complicated plans for the murder of a single individual!  Cheers!

Next time on TVD . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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A Sad Day for Little Piggies – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 4 Premiere – “A is for Alive”

Hey there, my Pretties!  It’s that time again.  Our favorite little liars are back for another season of being tortured by “A”  . . .

. . . romanced by sexy shirtless men . . .

. . . and making questionable fashion choices (sometimes) . . .

So dig that creepy baby-face mask out of moth balls, keep your cell phone away from coffins, and for Heaven sake, hide your little piggies . . .

. . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

There’s A Dead Body Bacon in the Trunk!

“So, I’m guessing that Rosewood doesn’t have a car wash?”

Last season, on Pretty Little Liars, Deputy Douchey’s car magically emerged from a lake, and drove itself out to meet our fabulous foursome (plus Mona).  It turns out, Douche Car was on a mission.  It wanted to show the Liars incriminating footage of Mama Marin hitting Deputy Douchey with her car, and driving off into the sunset.  Now, admittedly, getting hit by a car sucks.  But it could have been worse, Deputy Douchey!  You could have been hit by a car ON YOUR WEDDING DAY .  . .

Also, Deputy Douchey didn’t even DIE yet, when he was hit by that car.  He just brushed himself off and walked away.  He even got the opportunity to shower, after it was all over . . .

. .  . which is more than we can say for his car . . .

Because, as we find out, in the opening minutes of the episode, being dirty, and playing a bad home movie on its OnStar screen are the LEAST of Douche Car’s problems.  THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE TRUNK!

WHAT COULD IT BE?  It must be something pretty horrible, considering the writers made us wait MONTHS to find out . . .

I mean, when you think about it, anything could be in that trunk . . . Ali’s corpse, Jason’s corpse, Toby’s corpse, A SPARE TIRE . .  .

But what actually ended up being in the trunk was worse than ALL OF THOSE THINGS COMBINED.  It was . . . BREAKFAST .  . .

“OH THE HUMANITY!”

Silently agreeing to all become vegans, the little liars hightail it from the “crime scene,” before they can be spotted by the cops.  Mona, however, decides to stick around, because a good song is playing on the car radio.  And everyone knows it’s bad luck to leave a car when a good song is playing . . .

Mona Vanderwaal’s theme song

Actually, she’s just dismantling the incriminating OnStar video monitor, like the sociopath / criminal mastermind she is . . .

Good going, girl!  An extra special helping of bacon for you!

F.A.Q’s

You know how a lot of company websites have a Frequently Asked Question page, so that the customer service line isn’t inundated with the same inane questions, over and over again, like “What’s the mailing address?” or “What are your hours?” or “Why does the hair color on my head look nothing like the picture of the girl on the dye box?”

Well, that’s kind of what the next scene was like for me.  Having Mona answer six or seven of the series’ most frustrating questions all at once, was both a really lazy thing to do, from a writers’ perspective, and an oddly satisfying experience for the fans.  So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, Mona PLL F.A.Q. . . .

(Does this mean Cece is Red Coat?  She certainly seems to be A Red Coat.  I’m just not certain yet that she’s THE red coat.)

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Should the writers have revealed the answers to these “Burning Mysteries,” through actual plot exposition, as opposed to mere script exposition?  Sure.  But if they did that, they’d have so much less time to focus on things like Dead Pigs in car trunks and the never ending Love Saga of Ezria . . .

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Sarcasm aside, I think the writers simply recognized the fact that they didn’t have time to include the answers to these questions in their actual plotline.  And, if that’s the case, I’m glad they revealed them, this way, rather than keeping them as intensely frustrating eternally unsolved mysteries, like some OTHER shows I know . . .

“I’m looking at you, Hurley Bird, and Walt’s rapid aging /random magical powers!“

One of the things I love most about PLL is how refreshingly self-aware it is of it’s own occasional ridiculousness.  Take for example, this next scene, where all the little liars awaken to find Mona gone.  Of course, they immediately assume that they all fell asleep because Mona drugged them  .  . . and not simply because they were tired from a long night of playing Fondle the Dirty Cop Car . . .

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And why wouldn’t they think that?  Especially, when Emily, Hanna, and Aria have each been drugged by their enemies, at least once on the show.

Poor Mona!  She just went out to get all her friends their morning cups of coffee, exactly how they like them . . . and possibly murder Deputy Douchey.

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Mona is kind of a kick ass car thief!  They should really consider hiring her for the next installment of Fast and Furious . . .

Trailer Park of the Dolls

You know, we all make jokes about how all the liars (with the exception of Emily) have such awful parents.  But what about Mona?

I mean, think about it.  Here’s a girl who spend about half a year in the nuthouse.  And when she gets out, her parents don’t seem to notice, mind or care, that she took all that creepy crap she used to store in a random skeevy motel room, and moved it to her OWN PERSONAL TRAILER!  Last I checked, you had to be 25 just to rent a car.  Can you really buy a house on wheels at 17?

In hopes of proving her worthiness, Mona generously allows each of the girls to read the personal stalker files she’s amassed on each of them, during the course of three seasons.  Then, she glibly admits to Hanna that she successfully impersonated Caleb despite being about 5 inches shorter than him at last year’s Halloween party, just so that she have an excuse to suck face with her former bestie, who she once tried to run over with her car . . .

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But Mona wasn’t the only cross dresser on the Halloween Train of Terrors.  Check THIS out?

It’s pretty hard to be afraid of someone who looks so ridiculous.  Then again, this was the guy who drugged Aria, put her in the coffin with a dead body, and then literally almost THREW HER FROM A MOVING TRAIN . . .

Mona’s carefully captured video footage suggests that there was another member of the A Team responsible for Aria’s future therapy bill.  She claims it was Spencer’s B*tch Sister Melissa . . .

But this pretty awesome “Kiss Virus,” smears fake lipstick kisses across Mona’s desktop, and deletes all her files, before Mona can confirm that she’s telling the truth.  My theory?  Mona clearly has a backup for this footage.  I’m thinking she likely planned the “virus,” because she’s covering for someone much more surprising than Melissa . . . someone who we HAVEN’T actually assumed was bad news from Day One.  Someone like . . .

I’m kidding.  I know the writers would never do this.  But you have to admit, it would be a pretty shocking reveal .  . .

Attack of the Kiddie Clones

Outside the trailer, the girls hear the sounds of their names being called, and head out to investigate.  Here’s what they find . . .

My goodness!  Does A work in a toy factory?  It’s the only possible explanation as to why every single week she or he seems to come up with another set of dolls that look exactly like the liars.  (I hope ABC Family is selling some of these to fans.  They’d make a mint.)

Well . . . honestly, these are pretty ugly.  I wouldn’t buy these!

WANT!

So, the kids tell the liars that some girl named “Alison” gave them the dolls, and blah, blah, blah.  We’ve heard this one before.  What’s more disturbing is the fact that the kids themselves actually look like the liars.  What is this Orphan Black?  Is the A Team involved in human cloning too?

I said the little girls look like younger versions of the liars.  What I didn’t mention was that there was one MAJOR exception to this rule.  Aria’s “clone” looked like someone else entirely . . .

I swear this show just gets more disturbing by the minute . . .

Ding Dong Deputy Douchey’s Dead . . .

On the way home from the Trailer Park of Terror, the girls encounter a familiar face . . .

Either Deputy Douchey is DOA, or he just picked a really bad location for a nap.  Suddenly, the girls realize the significance of the pig in the car.  Get it . . . pigs . . . cops?

It looks like the little liars are about to be framed for yet another murder.

Now, more than ever, they need Mona to give up that incriminating video footage.  But can they trust her to turn it over?

Fitzy Goes to Jail . . . Just KIDDING!

After a few weeks of successfully avoiding Fitzy, post breakup, Aria has an uncomfortable encounter with him at the coffee shop.  The fact that she’s wearing an outfit that directly resembles Sheldon Cooper’s Doppler Effect Halloween Costume certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Then Fitzy reveals to Aria that he’s once again taking a job teaching at Rosewood High, and mixing stripes with solids quickly becomes the least of Aria’s problems.  “I have a family now,” Fitzy reminds Aria, careful to use the word “family” and not just “kid,” to imply that the awful “Maggie,” is also a part of this picture.

“Why do you insist on continuing a relationship with Alex Mack.  She is LITERALLY a pile of goo!”

But to Aria’s credit, she keeps her cool, even icily referring to the guy she used to bone as “Mr. Fitz,” before exiting stage left.  You go, girl!

Back at school, Aria’s paranoia kicks into overdrive, when she becomes positive that the school principal is watching her moon over Fitz.  Her suspicions seem to be confirmed, when the principal calls her into his office, and confronts her with some TRULY PORNY pictures of Ezria going to pound town on one another . . .

You know what comes next, don’t you?

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Aria is crushed.  She rushes out of the principals office, to a chorus of sad trombones and tiny violins .  . .

Then Aria “awakens” to find herself still outside the principal’s office.  It was all daydream, silly!

Fitzy isn’t really going to jail!

And while part of me is relieved for Aria, the other part of me kind of wishes they actually did arrest Fitzy, if only so that he could start wearing doo rags in prison, like Toby, and, possibly even get the words “Thug Life” tattooed on his butt.

Speaking of the Tobster . . .

The Many Faces of Toby Cavanaugh

Sometimes I think Abs Toby has multiple personality disorder . . .

Sometimes he’s REALLY creepy . . .

Other times he seems genuinely sweet . . .

He can occasionally be a thug . . .

And this week, he was about eight other things, I hadn’t actually seen before.

It all started on an ordinary morning, during which Toby generously cooked his on-again girlfriend Spencer a breakfast, which hopefully didn’t include bacon . . .

No doubt, it was a sweet gesture.  But there was something about the way he kept reminding Spencer to thank him for the food, and shutting her down, whenever she tried to talk about Deputy Douchey’s death that didn’t sit right with me.  Perhaps, a part of me feels that Toby’s earlier betrayal was whitewashed over a bit too quickly.  And I’m clearly having a harder time trusting him again than Spencer.

That said, I genuinely felt bad for him, when “A” left him that threatening text about the mystery surrounding his mother’s “disappearance.”  I even understand why he kept that information from Spencer.  Though, I’m sure that decision will eventually come and bite him in the ass, during the weeks to come .  . .

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He’s a little shady.  But he’s still a really sexy crier (with great abs).

Later in the day, Toby takes Spencer to that burned down building in search of the elusive red coat.  And it’s pretty much the Worst Date Ever . . .

Of course, Super Sleuth Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

Through a flashback, we learn that Toby’s mother was either massively depressed, or had a serious drug problem.  And Ali was a seductively manipulative b*tch.  Of course, we already knew that last part . . .

Something struck me as odd about this flashback.   I understand that Toby was supposed to come off as young and naive.  And Ali was supposed to come off as an evil date rapist, who recycles her pickup lines . . . despite the fact that both characters were realistically only about 13 or 14 when this event took place . . .

It’s just that the way the lines were read, Toby somehow seemed less young and naive, and more . . . Lenny from Of Mice and Men, if you catch my drift . . .

In happier couples news . . .

You’ve Come a Long Way, Little Orphan B*tchy . . .

Remember when Paige looked like this?

And did this?

Well that’s sure in the past.  Because now Paige is asking Emily to go to Stanford with her.  And the pair are exchanging “I love yous.”

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But more importantly, her hair and wardrobe are awesome!

The little liars have been a very good influence on you, girl!  It’s too bad that by admitting your love for Emily, you’ve pretty much just signed your death warrant.  Emily Fields is basically the Jeremy Gilbert of PLL . . .

Best Friends and Bad Hair Days

You can tell that Hanna is having a difficult time processing Deputy Douchey’s death, because she’s got her wig on crooked.  And she’s wearing her headband so low on her forehead that you would think she was auditioning for a workout video for the 1980s . . .

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Speaking of the 80’s, bedazzle much?

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It’s abundantly clear that these two girls need to go shopping.  Though, given their current wardrobe choices, I’m not quite sure it’s such a good idea for them to be shopping together . . .

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All sarcasm aside, I thought the moments Mona and Hanna shared together this week were actually really sweet.  And a big part of me genuinely wants to believe Mona, when she tells Hanna that she truly loves her and misses her, despite knowing that Hanna is only hanging out with her now to protect herself and the rest of the liars.

Mona even gives Hanna the incriminating disk we saw in the beginning of the episode, as a gesture of good faith.  After all the terrible things Mona has done to the girls, and Hanna in particular, she’s still a long way from gaining my trust.  But this was definitely a start . . .

In other news, Mama Dilaurentis is back in town.  And despite her daughter’s having supposedly been dead for two years, still can’t quite bring herself to get rid of all her sh*t.  So, the “twin” theory rears its ugly head yet again . . .

And finally . . .

A Nice Day for a Black Funeral

Everyone in Rosewood knows that the monthly funerals are the most important events on the town’s social calendar.  This is why the little liars always attend them, dressed like they are going to bachelorrette party in Vegas.  It’s also why they insist on sitting in the front row, despite the fact that not only are they typically of no familial relation to the deceased, they also tend to be the number one suspects in that person’s murder . . .

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The social importance is Rosewood funerals may also explain why Jenna insists on showing up to them fashionably late, on the arm of a new heretofore unknown gentleman, each month . . .

But if trying to make a fashion statement at the funeral was the little liars (and Jenna’s) ultimate goal, then all of them failed.  Because if anyone was going to get gawked at during Wilden’s funeral, it was most definitely going to be THIS CHICK . . .

She’s wearing a mask AND a veil?  How does she not bump into walls?

Before the big day, Spencer gets a tip, thanks to “A,” that there may be something special waiting for her in Deputy Douchey’s coffin . . .

Spencer is excited, because she hasn’t fondled a corpse since, well . . . the last time she fondled a corpse.  Mona, who received the same cryptic message, is also up for the challenge .  . .

“I hope the clue is not in his pants.”

The girls extract a phone from Douchey’s coffin, and dial the number attached to the contact “Kisses.”  So, you can imagine their surprise when the phone call goes directly to HANNA’S PHONE!

Don’t worry, Caleb . . . it’s actually Hanna’s MOTHER, who Dead Wilden was dialing.  But still . . . gross . . .

After the funeral, New Deputy Less Douchey confronts the girls, and does that TV cop thing, where he seems to be both flirting with them, and accusing them of murder at the same time . . .

I don’t care if he ends up being an A$$hole, who, like everyone else in this show, is somehow, involved in Ali’s murder and/or has it in for the liars.  He’s HOT!  There, I said it. . .

In the final moments of the episodes, the girls get yet another cryptic text from A, informing them that the truth is going to BURY them . . .

Get it?  Bury!  Ahhh . . . you got a love a good funeral pun.

See ya next time, my Pretties!

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The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

An Important Message from Future Nick Miller – A Recap of New Girl’s “Re-launch” and “Katie”

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Ah, New Girl.  There is so much to love about this show.  It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another,  just because they can . . .

But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .

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Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life.  This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.

Nick Miller’s Greatest Hits

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Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan.  Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory.  I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .

But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life.  She’ll take what she can get.

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Did I mention that Nick Miller sings “Groove is in the Heart,” while in the shower, and has a terrible singing voice?

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You might not know this about me, but I also sing bad 90’s music, while in the shower.  And I too have an awful singing voice.  Now, that’s what I call kismet . . .

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Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

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You can tell how far Jess and the guys have come in their relationship, when she gets canned from her job . . .

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. .  . and they awkwardly rally around her, trying to cheer her up, as opposed to merely be annoyed at her, like they were, when she first moved in . . .

Nick, in particular, seems deeply affected by Jess’ loss.  It even causes him to develop an Eye Twitch . . .

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Though Jess initially claims to be OK with her new-found unemployment . . .

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Nick doesn’t buy it, and goes to great lengths to help her through this difficult time.  He compliments her beauty . . .

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 . . . and her artistic endeavors . . .

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He encourages her . . .

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He even dances for her.  (And Nick Miller doesn’t dance for just anybody.)

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And when Jess’ foray as “shot girl,” at Schmidt’s “Dangerous Penis Party” . . .

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. . . causes her to finally break down, and face her fears about being an out-of-work teacher . . .

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. . . it’s Nick who races off to find her, comfort her, and, of course, tell her she has a plywood ass . . .

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Nick Miller will help you get laid . . . but only if you want to get laid by guys named Bearclaw . . .

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While Schmidt is coping with the idea that Cece has moved on to an adorably average looking guy . . .

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Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts.  This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .

Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .

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Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?

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Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom.  And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation.  (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)

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One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed.  Sorry, Nick!  Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .

Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!

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What would you do, if you had the opportunity to come face-to-face with your future self?

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What kinds of things would you ask him or her?

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And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?

Nick did.  And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .

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Yeah . . . that’s what us folks in the literary and media world like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Don’t you, worry Nick Miller.  Something tells me you and Jess will be having sandwiches and sex together soon enough.  It should have been ME, dammit!

The question is just how badly are you going to inevitably screw it up?

Just so you know, Nick whatever awful things you might do in the future to Jessica Day, I’ll still love you . . .

Until next time, New Girl fans . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][fangirls forever]

“I LOVE YOUUUUU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Turn, Turn, Turn”

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Love.  There are so many ways to show you care.  Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.

Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.

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And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.

It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.

Yes, Fangbangers.  This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts.  Just how we like it.  Let’s review, shall we?

The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse

We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended.  Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.

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 In other words,  it’s a Body Part Smorgasboard . . . any vampire’s dream.

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Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call.  It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric.  (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)

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Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.).  But Lafayette has other plans.  “Turn her!”  Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.

“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.

Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former.  And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit.  “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal.  The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.

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Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”

Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara.  I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life.  (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie.  But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)

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Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something.  But Vampire Pam isn’t having it.  Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.

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Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair.  Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .

In other Stackhouse news . . .

Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)

It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one.  Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.

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At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis.  He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively.  But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them.  Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.

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As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make.  And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece.  So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape.  It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.

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And since it also happens to be my favorite scene in the entire episode, I’ll let you watch, and see for yourself . . .

Steve Newlin  . . . a religious nutbar / cult-leading, arms enthusiast, hate monger turned gay vampire American . . .

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 . . .  who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse.  The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.

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 It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far.  And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense.  It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.

“You should really touch my gun.  It’s SOOO BIG!” 

And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right?  Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.

Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well.  He even complimented Steve on his kind words.  But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .

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And Steve F*&king Newlin doesn’t take too kindly to rejection.

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But don’t you worry Jason fans!  Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs.  Poor Steve.  Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded.  Bad for Steve.  But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .

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Not everyone’s a Jason fan though.  He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.

They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment.  I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend.  Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Bon Temps is just such a small town!  It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .

Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.”  And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.

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Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.”  But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”

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For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous.  But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.

Good lord!  Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?

“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.” 

Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .

Tastes Like Marcus

Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him.  So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide.  Hey you know what I noticed about Sam?  Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such.  Not very manly.  He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.

Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid.  Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .

Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack.  As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”

“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”

In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .

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 . . .  and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way.  Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.

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Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.

Burn it Down

Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .

. . .  Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.”  No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it.  Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades.  So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all.  (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)

Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed.  Who knew?

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 The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.

Yikes.  It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.

But enough about those pesky humans.  We watch this show for the vampires, right?

Sibling Revelry

When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY.  In short, they are now in deep doo-doo.  While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.

I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn  on.  Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.

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Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger.  But Eric is unmoved.  “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.

Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .

Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music.  Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank.  They then proceed to blow that sh*t up.  Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers.  Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp,  Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety.  “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.

“I just can’t quit you.” 

How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.

Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.

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 Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker.  So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift.  I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .

The Lannisters approve. 

 . . .  as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .

And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be.  Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering.  “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.

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Of course, you do, Eric .  . . of course you do.

Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program.  You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos.  I smell a revolution!

Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . .  .

Wakey, Wakey!

It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam.  The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit.   But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive.  This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse.  Sookie cries.  Lafayette cries.  Pam rolls her eyes.

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And then .  . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch.  The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .

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In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit.  And you can check out all of it, here . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]