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Once Upon a Time: A Not So Charming Ending

(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

This week on Once, we finally found out who murdered Prince Charming’s dad, and it actually wasn’t who you thought it would be . . . until it ended up being exactly who you thought it would be. In other news, someone is getting married . . . maybe. In still other news: Alt-World Robin Hood is a bad kisser, and also kind of a douche.

Let’s hop to it.

Sir Robin of Sucks-ley

How about we get the side plot out of the way first, yeah? Snow White stays asleep through most of this Charming-centric episode, on account of that whole “the couple can’t both be awake at the same time” curse. (Yeah, that’s still a thing.) But the writers do drag her out of bed briefly, once at the beginning, and once at the end of the episode, to talk to Regina about her love life.

That’s right folks, Snow White has officially been relegated to “Sassy Best Friend in a Rom Com” status on this show . . . except, she’s not that sassy. Also, at this point in the show, Regina’s probably tighter with Emma, than she is with Snow White. So, I guess we have to downgrade that role to “Not-So-Sassy Second Best Friend in a Rom Com.”

Anyway, Regina’s all “OMG, Snow I just brought Alt World Robin Hood to the Real World. And he looks just like Dead Robin, because they are both played by the same actor. So, obviously, I am like out of my mind excited about this, because he and I are going to have so much sex that they are going to have to change the name of this show to Once Upon a Porno.”

To this, Snow responds, “Aw hell nah, Girl! You trippin! Have you even watched the first five seasons of this show? Given your luck with men, Alt World Robin is probably either going to be brutally murdered while you watch, in another two episodes, or is going to literally end up being Lord Voldemort (seeing as this series is playing faster and looser with what constitutes “fairytales” and “copyright infringement” with each passing week).

Regina promptly ignores Snow’s advice, like any good Rom Com romantic lead must do, at least for the first 65 to 72 minutes of the movie. She then rushes off to find Robin Hood in the streets where he’s making himself right at home in this new land, by mutilating a basket of small puppies, while attempting to decapitate the Sheriff of Nottingham with his trusty bow and arrow. (OK, OK, the puppy mutilation part is a lie, but you see where I’m going with this, right?)

Really, I just wanted an excuse to post this picture. So cute!

 

Regina manages to stop this Very Public Murder, which she must do because the only other law enforcement official in town (Prince Charming) is currently taking a nap. (Well . . . I guess there’s Emma. Wait . . . is she still a law enforcement official on this show? Or did she quit that job when she got promoted to Savior of the Universe? These are the burning questions that plague me, when I write recaps at 1 a.m. on a work night.)

The Reformed Evil Queen then promptly notices that Robin Hood got a boo-boo on his hand, in the course of his attempted decapitation of another human being. “I have just the thing to fix this,” Regina says excitedly. “Come to my evil lair of potions and spells that you can eventually use to destroy this town, as the probable next Big Bad on this show, and I’ll clean that boo-boo right up, you poor baby.”

(Seriously? Man up, Evil Alt-World Robin Hood! What’s the matter? No one wears Band-Aids anymore? You can even get one of those cute ones with the cartoon characters on them!)

In the Evil Queen’s old evil lair that apparently now doubles as a pediatrician’s office, Regina wastes no time curing Robin’s boo-boo with magic instead of Band-Aids, and sticking her tongue down his throat, in short order. The good news is that he kisses back (otherwise, that would be super awkward). The bad news is the kiss is totally gross, probably because secretly evil Alt World people have notoriously bad dental hygiene.

“Snow, wake up, I made a terrible mistake,” Regina tells her narcoleptic friend toward the end of the episode. “Alt World Robin is a bad kisser, which means he’s probably crap in bed too. What a waste of a perfectly good portal jumping slot. I knew I should have invited Alt World Ryan Gosling instead!”

 

“That should be the least of your problems,” Snow scolds. “Look outside, Alt World Robin is running through the streets carrying your Evil End the World Music Box that he stole from your lair, while punching out The Pope and kicking a baby.”

“Really?” Regina responds. “I should probably do something about that . . . once I finish this delicious mug of chamomile tea you gave me. Is it Sleepytime Brand?”

“Ugh!” Snow groans. “I’m so sick of this sh*t. I’m going back to bed. Wake me up when something interesting actually happens, like the inevitable Apocalypse in two episodes.”

Meanwhile . . .

Cold Case: Charming’s Dead Dad Edition

So much homoeroticism between these two in this episode . . .

The Ghost of Prince Charming’s father haunts his son in the middle of the night to remind him that the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death are a dangling plotline that the show has decided to dredge up again just in time for Captain Hook’s and Emma’s impending nuptials.

That’s right folks. Captain Hook has decided he wants to pop the question to everybody’s favorite Savior. He even went out and bought a ring. Surely, the answer to this Dead Dad Mystery won’t do anything to get in the way of Hook’s dream of marriage to Emma, will it?

So, Prince Charming is pretty uncharacteristically manic throughout most of this episode. (Lack of sleep and hallucinated conversations with ghost dad’s will do that to you.) He quickly enlists Captain Hook’s help in breaking into his daughter’s shed, and stealing her magic Deux Ex Machina. (Hey, we wasted at a third of the episode on Alt Robin’s boo-boos and poor French Kissing skills, so we gotta solve this mystery ASAP.) Hook reluctantly agrees to conspire in Prince Charming’s misdemeanors against his adult daughter, but, fortunately, draws the line at going into Emma’s bedroom stealing her diary, and searching in her underwear drawer for drugs and condoms.

And you do the Hokey Pokey, and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about! *Clap, Clap*

The Purloined Deux Ex Machina informs Prince Charming and Hook that Charming’s dad was last seen in Pleasure Island, a realm featured in the film Pinocchio. And, wouldn’t ya know it? Pinocchio just so happens to be back on the show in a recurring role! This is doubly important, as Pinocchio not only happened to see Charming’s dad, shortly before his untimely demise, he is also The Author with All The Answers to Everything That Happens on This Show!

Through a mixture of flashbacks and Pinocchio narration, we learn that Charming’s dad was a poor drunk who was forced to give up one of his twin sons to Rumplestilskin, in exchange for purchasing the ailment to an illness they both were experiencing at the time. A few years later, Charming’s dad is getting soused at a pub, when the king stops in to inform everyone that his son is missing. The king’s son, just so happens to have the same name as the kid Charming’s dad gave up, James. So, of course they have to be the same person, because who the heck names their kid “James,” right? (I mean, apart from roughly ten percent of the population at any given moment in American history.)

Charming’s dad, who, up until this point, didn’t give two flying f*cks about the kid he did get to keep, is now completely dead set on rescuing the one who is now a rich prince. Baby Charming gives pops a lucky coin for the road, which later ends up being found on his rotted corpse. (Should have gone for a rabbit’s foot or four leaf clover instead, maybe?)

Rumplestilskin, who, as we know, has a soft spot in his heart for screw-up dads hoping to reunite with their kids, so they could screw them up even more, rather willingly offers Charming’s dad the current whereabouts of James. It turns out, the little schmo ran off to Pleasure Island.

Once in Pleasure Island and with a little help from Plot Device Pinocchio, Charming’s dad finds James, who informs his errant papa that he ran away from home, because he doesn’t want to be a knight and murder people. “Would you rather be the dirt-poor son of a drunk shepherd, in danger of losing his farm, and constantly on the verge of homelessness?” Charming’s dad asks hopefully.

“HELL YEAH!” James exclaims, because sometimes kids are dumb.

Unfortunately, for Charming’s dad, the King easily hunts down him and James, takes back his prodigal adopted son, and orders his henchmen to murder Charming’s dad and make his death look like an accident.

Upon learning the “truth” about what happened to his dad, Charming wants to murder the King HARD! Captain Hook tries to talk some sense into him, and ends up handcuffed to a bike rack for his troubles. When Charming confronts the King, (who is already in jail, by the way) the latter has no remorse for what he’s done AT ALL! This even further infuriates Charming. But just before he can avenge his father’s death, Captain Hook frees himself from the bike rack to stop him.

Just kiss already, you two!

Captain Hook somehow convinces Prince Charming that vengeance is kind of overrated (and HE would know!). This heart-to-heart talk causes (1) Prince Charming to break down in tears, and (2) the two enemies-turned-bromantic-buddies to share the manliest of back pats with one another. So, Captain Hook, of course, sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask for Charming’s blessing for him to marry Emma. (Smooth move, buddy! Get him, while he’s feeling soft, vulnerable and mushy.)

Charming whole-heartedly gives Hook his blessing and welcomes the erstwhile villain officially into the royal family, as the future Mr. Emma Swan (because, let’s be honest, she TOTALLY wears the leather pants in that relationship).

And this, my friends, would be an excellent, happy, and satisfying way to end this episode.

So, of course, the writers had to go and screw it up.

Two minutes before the credits roll, Pinocchio Plot Device comes scooting by on his motorcycle with the pages of the fairytale that made up the flashback in this episode. Hook glances down at them and sees the face of Charming’s dad. This causes him to remember that it was not actually the king’s henchmen, but Hook himself, who murdered his possibly-soon-to-be-wife’s grandfather, during the course of a robbery of those same henchmen.

Oops. Well, THAT’S AWKWARD! We are probably going to want to leave that little yarn out of the wedding’s champagne toast . . .

Until next week, folks!

 

 

 

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Aladdin and The Temple of Dude

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com!)

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“I hope you have good homeowner’s insurance. Otherwise, this place is a real money pit.”

This week on Once, Aladdin lets Jasmine check out his Man Cave. Hook gets crafty with a pair of Emma’s scissors. The Evil Queen and the Wicked Witch get mani/pedi’s from Goldilocks. And a popular fan theory is swiftly debunked.

Shall we review?

What, no Genie?

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This week’s installment of Once finally brought us the bastardized version of Aladdin and Jasmine’s love story, with one notable absence. No Genie . . . which is a real waste, if you ask me. Everybody else got a role, from Jasmine’s doddering zombified father, to Evil Jafar and his pet bird! Even adorable monkey Abu got a small cameo, as a golden trinket that played an important, if silent, role in Aladdin’s first stab at heroism.

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However, Good Ole Big Blue must have called in sick from the lamp on the day they filmed this episode. Because it seemed as though Aladdin “Ain’t never had a friend like him.” (See what I did there?)

But I digress. We start our tale in a street market in Agrabah many years ago. There, Jafar turns three thieves into rats, which is a method of crime prevention that would likely be met with approval by one of our presidential candidates. (I’ll let you guess which one.)

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“It was cheaper than building a wall.”

Aladdin, not freaked out by this Rat-tastrophe in the least, continues to freely and haphazardly pickpocket while its occurring. He’s stopped by a poorly disguised Princess Jasmine, who thinks that wearing a scarf over her head will prevent the rest of the townspeople from figuring out she’s rich. (This is basically the Agrabah equivalent of Superman thinking no one should recognize him at the Daily Planet, just because he occasionally wears classes and a geeky bowtie.)

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“Peekaboo!”

Jasmine wants to “hire” Aladdin to steal something from the Cave of Awesome Stuff called a Diamond in the Rough, which she claims will save Agrabah from Jafar’s tyrannical reign and rat-ification of the entire city’s immigrant population. Aladdin, to his credit, is rightfully skeptical of this poorly-hidden rich person’s invitation to him, a common thief, to enter a Cave of Awesome stuff ripe for stealing. But he goes along with it anyway, because he thinks Jasmine is super hot. (Typical dude, always thinking with the magical genie in his pants, instead of the stuff between his earlobes.)

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It should be noted that Aladdin, though admittedly extremely easy on the eyes, sports this bizarre shifting accent throughout the hour, which served, for me at least, as the episode’s true mystery: What the heck nationality is the guy trying to convey? His intonations continuously morphed from British, to Irish to Cockney to American to Something Just Plain Weird (Pig-Latin, maybe?)

Anyway, Hot-Bad-at-Faking-Poverty Jasmine and Also-Hot-But-Talks-Weird Aladdin quickly head to the Cave of Awesome Stuff, which Aladdin easily opens by saying . . . wait for it “Open Sesame.” (Talk about bad security. Making the password to open your Cave of Awesome Stuff “Open Sesame” is basically the olden-day equivalent of making the password to your online bank account “Password.”)

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I bet I know the location of another “cave” Aladdin wants to explore.

In the center of the Cave of Awesome Stuff, Aladdin conveniently finds an abnormally large diamond perched precariously on a sword. Quickly recognizing the in-plain-sight placement of the Diamond in the Rough for the trap that it is, Aladdin uses an Abu lookalike monkey statue to counterbalance the weight of the diamond, so he can pilfer it. But then, before the pair could make a clean getaway, the “diamond” crumbles to dust, as does seemingly, the roof of the Cave of Awesome Stuff.

Like a true gentleman who really, really, wants to get laid, Aladdin uses his own body to shield Jasmine from falling debris. And when that doesn’t work, he shoots lightning bulbs out of his fingers to stop the building from collapsing. Spoiler Alert: This common thief has magical powers . . . ones that go beyond just being able to alternate between ten unrecognizable accents in five syllables, and that thing he did with the apple earlier in the episode.

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Jasmine, apparently, knew this all along, despite the fact that Aladdin himself was seemingly unaware of it until this very moment. It’s why she took him on this fake diamond extraction errand in the first place. So, he could realize what a special snowflake he was, and agree to help her save the city from Jafar! How exactly Jasmine knew of Aladdin’s Savior qualities is never made clear during the episode. Perhaps, she just assumed all hot guys with weird accents have magical fingers (hint, hint, wink, wink).

Aladdin though, is not too sure he wants to be a Savior, because being poor and homeless is so much more fun! After Jasmine leaves Aladdin to his decision, Jafar further compounds his would be nemesis’ indecisiveness by offering him a gift: a pair of scissors he could use to literally “chop off” his Savior-ness.

jafar

But also, like, lots of riches and stuff.

This actually seems to make Aladdin’s decision for him, but not in the way Jafar probably intended. See now, by giving up Jafar’s offer of riches, Aladdin no longer has to choose. He can be poor and homeless AND be the Savior! It’s like pulling a half-eaten dirty piece of cake from a rat-infested garbage can and eating it too.

So, a Happy Aladdin promptly rescues Jasmine from the giant hour glass Jafar has trapped her inside, and frees Jasmine’s dad of the zombie curse Jafar put him under, thereby saving the day! (And he does it while riding a magic carpet, because walking the three steps from Jasmine’s castle door to the center of the room is just too damn hard!)

magic-carpet

When that’s over. Aladdin heads off to fully embrace his poor and homeless Savior identity, while Jasmine stays behind to rule Agrabah, because her dad certainly isn’t going to do it. Even un-zombified, the guy is clearly a mental midget . . . sorry mental “little person.”

As Aladdin heads off on his travels, he receives a parting gift from his old pal Jafar. It’s those darn scissors. Jafar probably figures that, hey, even if Aladdin never decides to cut his Savior-ness off, at least he could use them to make some really gnarly arts and crafts!

Hope Springs Aladdin

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Back in Storybrooke, Emma is following Jafar’s bird again to get more information from the Oracle about that vision of her own death she keeps having. Archie is there too, because how to entertain the delusions of the possibly insane was the first lesson he learned in “I didn’t actually go to graduate school because I got my medical degree from a curse” university.

The good news is that the red bird actually help Emma find the Oracle again. The bad news? This time, she’s dead, thereby seemingly debunking a popular fan theory that the Oracle was actually Jafar in disguise, spreading misinformation to Emma about her possible untimely demise.

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“Well aren’t you just Little Miss Mary Sunshine?”

Near the crime scene, Emma comes upon a poorly hidden Jasmine, and brings her in for questioning regarding the murder of The Crusher of Emma’s Hopes and Dreams. (Again, with the head scarf as a disguise! Does this woman never learn?)

Jasmine claims herself to be innocent of the Oracle’s murder. It’s a claim that Emma instantly believes, because of her supposed super power to tell when people are lying. You know, the one that’s proven wrong at least once an episode!

She then reveals her true identity and purpose for being in Storybrooke, to find Aladdin . . . the Other Savior. Though Emma hasn’t yet revealed her impending death to the rest of the cast, she’s secretly thrilled by this news. After all, the Oracle told her that Savior’s MUST die. But if Savior Aladdin somehow managed to survive, maybe that’s not entirely true . . .

Archie Bunkered

trap

“Is this because I wouldn’t stop singing ‘When You Wish Upon a Star?”

In slightly less hopeful circumstances at the moment is Archie, whose just been kidnapped by the Evil Queen, so the latter can impersonate him, and trick Emma into revealing all her secrets. The Queen stows Archie at her sister, the Wicked Witch’s house, so he can babysit, while she’s off doing her dastardly deeds.

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The Evil Queen, posing as Archie, does succeed in getting Emma to reveal the specifics of her vision . . . and in front of her entire family, no less.

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The crew is less than pleased with Emma for keeping this from them. Taking the news particularly hard are her beau Hook, her son Henry, who blames himself for forcing Emma to become the Savior in the first place, and Regina, who learns that she’s not in Emma’s vision, which either means she’s already dead by this point in the future, or is the one responsible for killing Emma.

mad-regina

Looks like someone could use a hug!

While all the Good Guys are suffering from the doom and gloom of bad news, the Evil Queen and Wicked Witch are celebrating their victory with a ladies spa day, and gossip session about the boys in Storybrooke they are currently crushing on! Oh, and they also turn Archie back into a cricket, because, why not?

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The Crypt Keeper

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Now, that Emma’s life is at stake, everyone is freshly motivated to find Aladdin for Jasmine. (Whereas, before they couldn’t give two craps if some one-episode guest star’s boyfriend bit it, because it didn’t impact them personally.)

Since, both Emma and Aladdin have magic fingers, Regina cooks up a spell to link their magic together, so Emma could find the erstwhile thief. The spell leads Emma to an underground crypt that looks kind of like the Cave of Awesome Stuff . . . only without the awesome stuff.

Jasmine gets super teary when she finds a pin she gave Aladdin back in the day, on top of a pile of bones, assuming her would-be lover’s demise. This finding majorly bums out the rest of the crew too, because it seems to confirm the Oracle’s theory that all Savior’s die. (Ignoring the fact that . . . well . . . everybody dies eventually, savior or not, so maybe it’s just a crappy coincidence!)

Emma comforts a distraught Henry, telling him that she doesn’t regret reuniting with her family and becoming the Savior, even if it means she only gets to live a few more episodes. It’s a kind of sweet moment actually.

bond

“The pilot episode of the series revolving around me as a bail bondsperson didn’t get picked up, so I really had no choice in the matter anyway.”

Aladdin must have thought it was pretty sweet too, because he decides to COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!

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Just kidding! Aladdin was never dead! He was just a really big wimpy baby, who was afraid his girlfriend wouldn’t want to bone him anymore, after he cut off his Savior-ness with Jafar’s scissors. So, he hid out in a cave for twenty-eight years, like the homeless person he always aspired to be!

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Aladdin offers the Anti-Savior scissors to Emma, so she too can cut off her Savior-ness and avoid certain death. He then heads to the park to reunite with Jasmine, who is probably going to dump his ass, as soon as she learns he no longer has those magical fingers . . .and has officially become just like every other smelly homeless guy with a weird accent.

Running with Scissors

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Since she’s been lying to him about dying for nearly five episodes, Emma decides to make things right between her and Killian by letting him hold her Anti-Savior scissors. “I trust you to hide them in a safe place, and not use them on me, while I’m napping on the couch after drinking way too much rum with you and watching those Pirates of the Caribbean movies you like so much.”

So, of course, Hook lies to Emma, and tells them he dropped the scissors 20,000 leagues under the sea, when, really, he dropped them 1/10 of a league into his pants. Because THAT decision isn’t going to come back and bite someone in the ass later this season, now will it?

Until next time, Oncers!

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ONCE UPON A TIME Recap: Arrested Development

The following post has been brought to you by Agony Booth.com

killing-hyde

“Does anybody have any TUMS? I’m experiencing a mild to moderate case of heart burn.”

This week on Once, the Beast tries to win back Belle’s heart by incarcerating her. (Hey, it worked last time!) Snow White learns that she’s a terrible teacher, when the subject is anything other than making a birdhouse. The Evil Queen’s kryptonite is finally revealed. And yet another sort-of villain is given a hasty partial redemption arc, before meeting his untimely demise.

Let’s review, shall we?

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beast-Holder

lines-on-face

Nothing makes you feel worse about your appearance than staring at yourself in a magnifying mirror. It’s the closest most of us will ever come to knowing how awful we’d look on HDTV.”

Being dumped by Belle (again) has good ole Rump feeling a little down on himself. So, he does what most of us do after a bad breakup. Get drunk on cheap wine. Eat an entire box of Cheez-Its in a single sitting. And watch on repeat that horror movie where a guy who looks like your ex gets brutally murdered in the first half hour. He gives himself a makeover!

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Apparently, Rumpel felt as though the root of all his dating problems was that he had longer hair than Snow White. Her being “the fairest one of all” and all that jazz.

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But now that the two characters have the exact same haircut, for sure all the ladies in Storybrooke will want to rumble in the sheets with Rumpel! The Evil Queen certainly seems to like her frenemy’s new ‘do.

ONCE UPON A TIME -

Then again, she is so gosh darn horny all the time, she’d probably make love to a mop if it fell in her general direction.

Speaking of the Evil Queen, she and her new beau Hyde have come to Rumpel’s store to steal an ugly necklace. And they do it in this super stealthy way. Basically, they stomp into the store and loudly announce, “I’m going to take your ugly necklace.”

No wonder Rumpel’s pawn shop revenue isn’t what it used to be. Security has apparently gotten a bit lax. Shrinkage. It isn’t just what happens when George Costanza from Seinfeld goes for a swim anymore.

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Infuriated by the loss of yet another ugly antique, Rumpel tries to Jedi Mind Murder Hyde.

Rumpel fails miserably at this, of course, as he does with pretty much every action he attempts throughout the course of this episode. It’s a wonder the guy was able to cut his hair, without accidentally chopping off his right arm.

Speaking of failures . . .

Those who can, do. Those who can’t . . . SNOW.

jazz-and-snow

Last week, I predicted that Snow would end up being a bad teacher, because she spent twenty eight years teaching the same students how to build a bird house, every damn day, and they still couldn’t do it! It gives me no joy to be right about this. (Who am I kidding? I was thrilled! I’m an awful person, in case you haven’t figured that out by now!)

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Oddly enough, since most of Storybrooke’s new homeless population is apparently in high school, Snow has gone from teaching bird house making to teaching physics for REASONS. After seeing Snow suck at teaching (Every single one of her students failed her exam!), her new teacher’s aid, Princess Jasmine, wonders why Snow doesn’t stick to stuff she’s actually good at, like playing with dwarves, and faking sleep so some hot guy will make out with her.

This seems like solid advice from a total stranger. And this is why Snow decides for her next lesson, to take all her students out into the school yard, and teach them how to shoot deadly weapons in each others’ general direction. Public education is the greatest, am I right?

“Anyone who gets accidentally murdered gets an automatic A.”

After class, Jasmine heads off into the woods to meet the girl, who is obviously Jafar in disguise, even though they haven’t officially told us this yet, and asks for her help in finding Aladdin. Because THAT’S not going to end badly at all . . .

You know what else is going to end badly?

Houseboat Arrest

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In what will likely be the only non-snarky thing you will hear me say in this recap. I’m totally digging the burgeoning friendship brewing between Hook and Belle, the latter of whom, up until this point, always seemed somewhat separated from the main cast. It’s exceedingly rare for television shows nowadays to showcase a 100% platonic male/female relationship. So, when one appears and it feels genuine, I appreciate it.

I mean, so what if Hook tried to kill Belle a few seasons back? What’s a little attempted murder among pals?

Anywhoo, Hook is moving his stuff off the boat, so he can move in with Emma permanently, when Rumpel comes and puts a spell on the boat so Belle can’t leave it. Rumpel claims that he does this for Belle’s “safety.” Riiiiiiight. Because nothing says safe, like being trapped in a small wood mass surrounded on all sides by water, with no immediate avenue of escape, apart from plunging one’s self into the drink. Has Rumpel never seen the movie Dead Calm or Jaws, for that matter?

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“Don’t worry Belle. You don’t have to come to me. I’ll come to you!”

Upon hearing of Belle’s incarceration, Hook, being a swell guy, tries to cheer up his very pregnant pal, by offering her booze and a fake telephone.

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connected

Meanwhile, Regina and Jekyll are racing to obtain the serum that will destroy the respective dark sides of their souls, before their sexier, better dressed halves, the Evil Queen and Hyde track it down first.

Of course, this wouldn’t be Once without the bastardization of a well-known classic tale. So, it’s time for a flashback, in which we learn that Hyde is just a misunderstood hipster with a bad case of pinkeye. And Dr. Jekyll is the sociopathic douchebag, “If I can’t have her, no one can,” Guy from every Lifetime movie you ever saw during the 90’s.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jerk-ll and Mr. Hide Me

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“Even my sideburns are sad.”

Once upon a time, Dr. Jekyll wanted to be admitted into some fancy schmancy society, and tried to convince his rich lady crush, Mary’s dad, to let him in, by showing the latter his experiments with the duality of the human soul. Mary’s dad is unimpressed, and tells Jekyll his work is too dangerous for recognition by the society. Jekyll is angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

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(Actually, he just kind of pouts and throws a tantrum like a baby, but you get the basic idea.) Enter Rumpel, he of the permed hair and glitter-logged face to offer up his episodic dose of bad advice to a suitably naive and desperate party.

Rumpel, who apparently was trying to find a magical cure for his love for Belle, helps Dr. Jekyll to finish his serum, and persuades him to use The Dark Side of His Soul to help him gain entrance into the fancy schmancy society, and get into Mary’s pants.

Dr. Jekyll does is instructed. And Mr. Hyde, upon taking over Jekyll’s body, promptly does exactly what he was designed to do. First, he blackmails Mary’s dad (with evidence that the latter is boning a minor, naturally) to get Jekyll into the fancy schmancy society. Then, Hyde approaches Mary and reveals to her Jekyll’s heretofore hidden affections. Mary predictably has no interest in the milquetoasty Jekyll. But she’s totally bananas for the “passionate and scary, but in a good way” Hyde. (Every girl loves a bad boy, after all!)

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Less than five minutes later, these two crazy kids are having sex. And I wish we as viewers got to see it, because I bet it was friggin awesome!

Instead, we find a horrified Mary waking up next to dull as dog poopy Jekyll, and she is understandably freaking the hell out. Jekyll quickly puts two and two together. And, upon realizing that Mary boned the dark side of his soul, Jekyll gets really angry and (accidentally?) throws Mary out a glass window? Oops! Don’t you hate it when that happens?

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Jekyll then drinks the serum, so Hyde can take the blame for his murderous actions. And Rumpel appears AGAIN! (You would think a guy who has such great surveillance on the entire universe would be better at securing his personal property and the wife who despises him.)

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Rumpel takes one look at the weepy Hyde, and knows instantly that his plan has failed. Hyde, despite supposedly being all dark, twisty, and hipster-like, was apparently just as much in love with Mary as that douchenozzle Jekyll. (I guess: There’s Just Something About Mary!)

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And this meant that Rumpel would never be able to rid himself of his feelings for Belle, no matter how inconvenient they might be. Pissed, Rumpel decides to banish both Jekyll and Hyde to the Land of Untold Stories, giving both half-men a vendetta against the Dark One, which was sure to come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the episode.

Another Two Bite the Dust

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Ironically, even though everybody spent the entire episode fighting for this Magical Serum that could supposedly kill Hyde and the Evil Queen, the darn vial ended up being a total McGuffin!

First Hyde uses Dead Mary’s necklace, the one he stole from Rumpel at the beginning of the episode, to track down Jekyll and snatch the serum. Then, Hyde breaks the vial, snatches Rumpel’s Dark One sword, and uses it to control Rumpel, and get him to give up Belle’s location. Now, as we know from earlier in the episode, Rumpel has put a spell on Belle’s boat so she can’t get off it, and Hyde can’t get on it.

Unfortunately, for Rumpel (and Belle, as it turns out), because the spell was (moronically) limited to Hyde, Lifetime Movie Villain Jekyll was able to just waltz onto that boat and attempt to kill Rump’s lady love. Uh oh, Belle! Time to call for help on your fake phone!

killian-help

I wonder if accidental smashing is covered under the Fake Phone insurance plan . . .

Lo and behold, Hook does actually end up hearing Belle’s cries for help. He magically manifests himself on the boat, and promptly stabs Jekyll to death, which is good! But he also kills Hyde in the process, which kind of sucks, because the latter was actually a fun guy!

In addition to being bad news for Bad Boy, Hipster, and Pink Eye Lovers the world over, the circumstances surrounding Hyde’s demise are also pretty crappy for Regina, who just figured out that the only way she can kill the dark side of her soul is to . . . well, commit suicide basically.

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A distraught Regina makes Emma promise to murder her, if things get too tough with the Evil Queen wreaking havoc on Storybrooke.

what-to-do-you-got

“Just make sure that my funeral is better attended than the Evil Queen’s otherwise I’ll be super embarrassed.”

Speaking of uncomfortable conversations, how about the one where Rumpel has to apologize to Belle for trapping her and her unborn child on a boat with a total psycho?

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Yeah, I think it’s safe to say the honeymoon is pretty much over for these two lovebirds . . .

Until next time, Oncers!

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Once Upon a Time: Cinderella, armed and moderately dangerous!

Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com!cinder-with-a-gun

This week on Once, Cinderella goes POSTAL . . . for a few seconds. Also this week, Hook and Emma get baby fever. Rumpel makes Belle a mix tape. And the Evil Queen comes up with a nefarious scheme . . . to perfect her adopted son’s bad posture.

Let’s review, shall we?

The Hunger Games

better-menu

Everyone knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his pants stomach. (We’re going to go with stomach here, because it’s an 8 p.m. show owned by Disney.) And this is why both Regina and the Evil Queen attempted to FEED Hyde into giving them information about the town’s new burgeoning population of homeless people. The only difference, of course, is that the Evil Queen arrived first at Hyde’s prison cell with a five-course meal, wine, and a team of set designers from the recently canceled television series, Hannibal. Regina, on the other hand, brought a pan of re-heated microwavable lasagna that she probably re-plated from a Stouffer’s TV Dinner, and the only two members of the town’s Neighborhood Watch, Snow and Charming . . ..

lasanga

“The carpet in here doesn’t match the drapes. Plus the grass on the lawn is an inch over regulation height. You are going to have to fix that.”

Understandably, Hyde is unimpressed with his new, less than Michelin Star, accommodations, and refuses to give up any hobo gossip to our heroes, unless Regina frees him from the pokey, ASAP. This, Regina cannot do (at least not with Neighborhood Watch literally breathing down her neck).

Maybe Regina should have chosen to make a move on Hyde’s heart through his pants, after all . . .

Baby Steps

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I guess it really shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that Hook is good with kids, especially when you consider the fact that, over in Neverland, apart from a few unwashed smelly pirates and a crocodile, prepubescents were literally the only people around with which he could share his Man Pain. Of course, up until this week, Emma has been too mired in her depression, carpal tunnel pain, and endless supply of pillow cases with holes cut in the arms for t-shirts (She wore one AGAIN this week! Why Once Wardrobe Team? WHY?) to notice.

So, Hook, whose sex life this season has consisted entirely of one hastily aborted couch fondling session, sets off on a major campaign to get himself laid more regularly. And that campaign involves him temporarily morphing into the male version of Mary Poppins with anyone under the age of 18 he can find.

father-son-2 father-son

Emma, who sees everyone around her having babies, and then promptly forgetting they exist, when plot dictates that they do so, is super turned on by the notion of “getting a little Hook in her,” both figuratively and literally. The only problem is that she is quite certain she’s going to croak by the end of the season, which doesn’t leave her with much time to get knocked up and carry a baby to term.

sad-emma

“If they bury me in one of those pillow case t-shirts and not my red leather jacket, I swear I will haunt them for all eternity.”

Emma discusses these fears (again) with her shrink, Jiminy Cricket. Jiminy tells Emma to Carpe Diem, basically, because she’s the star of a show where logic, plot and timeline consistency aren’t exactly top concerns. So, if the writers decided they wanted Emma to have a baby with Hook and die by the end of the season, they’d probably get it done in the span of two episodes, via a hastily explained “time jump” or “magic, speed-up-the-birthing-process spell.” (The latter of which, was a plot device that was actually used on this show with Zelena and HER newborn.)

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This explanation is good enough for Emma, who, by the end of the episode, invites Hook to move in with her, while evoking thinly veiled allusions to the couple’s shared leather fetish . . .

one black-leather

Once alone, Captain Hook celebrates his good fortune, by twirling his mustache, and laughing maniacally, while shouting at the top of his lungs, “My evil plan worked! She bought it.”

Then, he proceeds to punch a couple of babies in the face, just because he can. Just kidding. He probably did something like this . . .

dancing-hook

Now, if only Emma could finally work up the courage to tell the future father of her children / fellow leather fetishist the truth behind her crippling carpal tunnel condition . . .

“Would you believe me if I told you that it’s caused by excessive use of a vibrator?”

The Tale of the Forgotten Stepsister (and the REALLY Forgotten Stepsister)

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This week’s Fairytale flashback is a revisit of the same Cinderella story we’ve already seen twice on the series, which makes the season’s promise of “Untold Stories” a bit of a misnomer, at least as far as this episode is concerned. That said, we do get some tweaks to the well-known tale here. One change is that Cinderella leaves the ball, way before midnight, not because she fears her dresses will turn back to rags if she stays, as commonly believed. But rather, because she’s insecure about being poor, and fears that everybody at the ball, the prince included, is secretly laughing at her.

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This fear is confirmed for Cinderella, when her Stepmother tells her she looks like a trash bag, and has the same education level of the family’s pet cat. That line itself is really not important to the plot. I just thought it was funny, but also racist / species-ist? against cats. Because some cats I know, like mine, for example, happen to be super educated, just saying.

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Harvard Grad, Graduating Class of 9 Lives

But I guess the most important two tweaks to this story, at least for purposes of this episode, are the fact that: (1) Cinderella is so convinced that the prince will never love her that SHE is actually planning to go into the Land of Untold Stories to escape the feared inevitability of her spinsterhood; and (2) it’s actually her “ugly” stepsister Clorinda, who convinces Cinderella to stay in Fairytale land, so that she can be around to accept her Prince’s inevitable proposal.

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As luck would have it, Clorinda has also found love . . . SECRET FORBIDDEN LOVE . . . with the prince’s footman, a union of which the Evil Stepmother will never approve.

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This gives Cinderella an idea!

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Clorinda can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman, where the Evil Stepmonster can never find them and get in the way of their true love. Everything seems to be going according to plan, until Evil Stepmonster uses Cinderella’s insecurities against her AGAIN, to get the latter to spill the beans on Clorinda’s whereabouts, before she can escape to the Land of Untold Stories with her Footman. As a result, Evil Stepmonster ends up dragging Clorinda into the Land of Untold Stories with HER, while Poor Footman is left out in the cold, doomed to never have a name, or more than one line of dialogue in this portion of the story.

Speaking of no name or dialogue, Cinderella also has another stepsister. But she gets no name, and pretty much stares at the screen dumbfounded for the first half of the flashback, only to be never heard from again shortly thereafter. No one is looking for her. Nobody cares that her entire family abandoned her for another universe. Basically, Evil Stepmonster’s under-achieving cat gets more personality development than this chick. Talk about an Untold Story!

Defeat and Repeat?

our-life

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Meanwhile, Regina rushes around town trying to figure out a way to defeat her eviler and hornier half. This results in her ultimately hiring Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll to cook up a potion that will allow her to kill herself, for lack of a better term. (Let’s hope it goes over better than Regina’s lasagna.) Snow White finds herself to be suffering from a bit of an existential crisis.

And why shouldn’t she? The show has been going on for six seasons now. And every season, Snow has to battle two big bads, one of whom is often someone she’s battled before. In fact, Snow has been so busy battling Big Bads that she hasn’t had time to fix that hideous haircut of hers!

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So, Snow tells Charming that she’d like to go back to being a teacher, like she was in season 1. She thought she was pretty good at it. And hey, if you forget the fact that time was on a Groundhog Day-esque loop throughout most of the first season, which meant that Snow pretty much taught the same “How to Make a Birdhouse” class to the same exact students for 28 years, I guess you could say Snow was about average, as far as teachers go.

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I wonder if Snow White’s birds get a better education than the Evil Stepmother’s cat . . .

Speaking of students, since Storybrooke’s one kid over the age of 2, Henry, seems to be reaching adolescence, Snow has decided she wants to start a high school. She figures Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Frankenstein can teach there right along side of her, bringing the faculty of said high school up to THREE people. Nevermind, the fact that Dr. Frankenstein also happens to be the ONLY DOCTOR in Storybrooke too . . . (I hope he forms two unions, each including only himself, to fight back against these unfair working conditions.)

dr-whale

Storybrooke’s equivalent of a sweatshop worker.

But hey, I guess when you live in a town where half the population is homeless, and the others are trashbags with the education level of cats, you have to improvise a bit when it comes to job creation.

Follow that Stinky Sneaker!

shoe

Back in the Cinderella portion of the story, now that Clorinda and her mother have crash landed in Storybrooke, and joined the town’s excessive homeless population, everybody’s favorite Friend to Rats and Rider of Pumpkins decides she needs to find her stepsister. (Again, Clorinda, not the other stepsister, because no one cares about her.)

Cinderella steals her husband’s rifle in anticipation of this meeting, because nothing says, “I’m sorry I ruined your sex life, possibly for all eternity,” like waving a firearm in their face like a raving lunatic. Cinderella’s husband asks Emma for help, because he’s worried that Cinderella will KILL Clorinda, because the latter said some mean stuff to his wife, back when the two women were teenagers. (As good a reason to commit cold-blooded murder as any.)

In order to find Cinderella, and prevent her from becoming a homicidal maniac (After all, the town’s only jail cell is currently occupied by Hyde, so no one else is allowed to commit crime.), Emma uses her magic to produce Cinderella’s stinky running sneaker, and then follows it’s disgusting aroma to the gun-toting princess’ whereabouts.

In the midst of all this toxic shoe sniffing, Emma and the gang come upon the Evil Queen, who despite living inside the dark part of Regina’s soul for the majority of her life, somehow comes fully equipped with a designer wardrobe, complete with a treasure trove of weaves and hair extensions. (It’s rather impressive, actually. Perhaps, Emma and Snow should consider temporarily moving into Regina’s soul. They could learn a thing or two about fashion.)

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Evil Queen, who is in full “throw shade at Emma and make her feel insecure” mode . . .

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Thank you, Captain Obvious! I thought the problem with being a Savior is that you have to wear pillow cases for clothing . . .

. . . actually makes some really good points about how she’s just as much Henry’s mother as Regina, seeing as she was hiding out inside her soul, while Regina raised him. (This, bringing Henry’s mommy count up to three, for those of you keeping score.)

She even has some motherly tips for Henry about improving his posture so as to project confidence to those around him. Solid advice that Henry’s biological mother could probably benefit from herself, especially since she’s taken to wearing shapeless white sacks on her rescue missions.

Anywhoo, Emma and Co. eventually track down Cinderella, just as she is falling into a trap set by her evil Stepmother, using Clorinda as bate, to MURDER HER WITH HER HUSBAND’S RIFLE! Families are just the best, aren’t they?

Clorinda kind of wants Cinderella to die too, due to whole “sex life ruining thing,” but then Cinderella reunites Clorinda with her lost love the Footman, and all is cool with them . . . until Evil Stepmother stabs Cinderella in the chest.

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Fortunately, Emma’s on hand to save Cinderella’s life. Unfortunately, she has a bad carpal tunnel attack just as she’s about to do it, and Cinderella starts bleeding out right before our very eyes.

But rest easy folks. Cinderella doesn’t die. The writers of this show only like to kill off attractive menfolk. For the most part the ladies are invincible. And so, Emma successfully revives Cinderella, and the latter lives to make exceedingly poor life choices, based on insecurities and a love of assault weapons, for another day . . .

One Track Minds

Speaking of poor life choices, sometimes our fixation on certain aspects of our lives, causes us to act out impulsively, and do things we wouldn’t normally do, in pursuit of one specific goal. This appeared to be the case for the Evil Queen, who let a literal monster out of jail, because she was horny . . . also because he was going to help prevent Regina from killing her, but mostly because she was horny.

For Hyde’s part, he allies with the dark side of Regina’s soul seemingly just because he really likes her cooking, also because he wants to get out of jail, but mainly for the cooking.

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Then, there’s Prince Charming, who makes a deal with Rumpel to find out the truth about what happened to his father. And we all know what it means to make deals with Rumpel. Spoiler Alert: Usually it means bad things, very bad things. (Although, in this case, all Charming had to do to get this information was give Belle a mixtape, because apparently Rumpel is a 13-year old boy circa 1990.)

belle

And Belle, well she listened to the mix tape, despite the fact that it was from Rumpel, a man her unborn son had told her was up to know good, in a dream she had, in which said son was totally inappropriately hitting on her, and it was kind of gross. Rumpel . . . a man with dark magical powers, who could have filled that mixtape with evil spells that would make her become his lover again, against her will . . . or worse . . . really bad singing / music. But Belle listened to that mixtape from start to finish, despite the apparent risks, because the thought of having her soon-to-be born child grow up without a father simply seemed to much to bear at the time.

And then there was Snow . . . who believed her husband, Charming when he told her he wasn’t going to seek vengeance against the man who killed his father. She believed him, even though he was staring straight at the camera winking at us, with his fingers crossed behind his back, and rolling his eyes intently, when he told Snow he was going to let the matter drop. She believed it, because she really needs to think that after the Storybrooke crew battles their 12th villain of the series, things will go back to normal . . . She’ll become a teacher again. She will grow out her awful hair . . .

Actually, maybe it’s just me that needs to believe in that last one.

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And that’s where we leave our friends from Storybrooke at the end of episode 3, determined, desperate, and clad in some super ugly outfits. Until next time, folks!

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ONCE UPON A TIME RECAP: Flirting with Vengeance (Ep. 6:2)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

evil-queen-and-rump

This week on Once, a sex deprived Evil Queen hits on everyone from a newborn baby to herself. Also, the writers kill another sexy male guest star because, apparently, they hate me; Emma wears her feelings; and we are again reminded that all the characters on this show have SECRETS!

Let’s review shall we?

Blood Magic

sisterly-bonding

“Incest, schmincest. We can’t make a baby together, so it’s absolutely risk free!”

Ever wonder how an Evil Queen and her Wicked Witch sister spend their Saturday nights? Apparently, they toss back a few appletinis (Fun!); and then spend the rest of the night skulking around a cemetery. (Slightly less fun.) Since No-Longer-Evil Regina sealed her Crypt of Hearts and Episodic Deus Ex Machinae using blood magic (Amateur!), the Evil Queen (who obviously has the exact same blood as Regina) is able to easily remove the spell and open the crypt. Evil Queen steals something from the crypt, but we won’t know what it is for another two commercial breaks.

Zelena, understandably, is hesitant about trusting the Evil Queen. Therefore, the Evil Queen tries to earn her sister’s trust, by invading her personal space, speaking to her seductively, and staring for way too long at her cleavage. One of the downsides of spending an entire lifetime as the black half of somebody else’s soul is that you never ever get laid.

ouat-regina-in-tree

“Hello! Anybody out there? Feeling a bit sexually frustrated in here! What’s the devil on your shoulder gotta do to get a back rub around this place?”

In light of that, who can blame the Evil Queen for trying to make up for lost time? So what if some (read: ALL) of her targets are patently inappropriate? Since basically everyone in this town is already related to one another, the definition of what constitutes incest has to be a bit more loosely interpreted . . .

Vengeance: A Dish Best Served Cold (Preferably, with a Side Salad and Baked Potato.)

count-of-monte

This week’s flashback involves a new character, who apparently hails from the Land of Untold Stories. It’s the Count of Monte Cristo. He’s very nice to look at. So, I instantly like him and am rooting for him, because I am an extremely shallow person.

The Count is apparently a very rich guy, and he throws an entire ball just to murder this guy, the Baron, who apparently, killed his fiance, got him thrown in jail, and stole all his family’s money. He does this about two minutes into the ball, which causes everybody to leave. Now, I know these people are all obnoxiously wealthy and stuff, but to me, this just seems like a really bad waste of good booze and food. I mean, why let something silly, like a maiming, ruin a good party?

rich-mont

“Party poopers!”

The Evil Queen conveniently shows up after everybody left (possibly to pick up the leftover booze and food, because that’s my girl!). She’s holding a piece of paper with the names of all the other people who screwed over the Count. And she offers to give it to him, if he kills Snow White and Prince Charming for her. That seems pretty risky of Evil Queen, waving her only leverage against the Count right in front of his face, where he can easily grab it and run away. If it were me, I’d at least hide it in my underwear or something. Come to think of it, hiding something a guy wants in her underwear seems right up Evil Queen’s alley . . .

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The Count, masquerading as a poor townsperson whose town the Evil Queen burned to the ground, manages to sweet talk his way into a job as Snow White’s and Charming’s wine steward. This means he gets to hang around the castle all day doing nothing, except for the one or two times a day, he has to pour five ounces of liquid into his bosses’ glasses. Nice work, if you can get it!

the-count

“Do you provide 401K contribution matching?”

A Case of the Sads

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“You get a cardboard box! And you get a cardboard box! And you get a cardboard box!”

Back in Storybrooke, No-Longer-Evil Regina is giving the town’s new excessively large homeless population pep talk about not being afraid of what the future has in store for them. Easy for her to say. She’s not the one who is going to have to sleep in a garbage can, next to a pet rat named Stinky.

Shortly, thereafter, Emma politely excuses herself to attend her head shrinking session with Jiminy Cricket. Emma is obviously super depressed about her recent carpal tunnel affliction, and the fact that SHE’S GOING TO ALMOST, BUT NOT ACTUALLY, DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE. We know Emma is having a serious case of the sads, because she dressed herself in an old ripped pillow case with two holes cut out for her to put her arms through . . .

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Well, you won't be a fashion designer.  That's for sure.

Well, you won’t be a fashion designer. That’s for sure.

I think I wore the same costume, when I dressed up as a pilgrim for Thanksgiving in Elementary School. If that shirt is not a serious cry for help. I don’t know what is!

You Can’t Go Home Again

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In other sad and homeless news, Belle has dumped Rumpel, because she had a dream that her unborn son told her to do so, before said unborn son made out with her. This means that she, like half the current population of Storybrooke (a place that consists of basically, two houses, a library, a jail, and a diner) is also without a place to hang her hat.

Fortunately, for Belle, Captain Hook feels kind of guilty about that time he tried to murder Disney’s most introverted princess. So, he decides to make up for it, by letting Belle live on his boat. Belle is bowled over by Hook’s kindness and generosity, and thrilled she won’t have to get a pet rat (Though it worked out OK for Cinderella!). As an added bonus, the fact that Belle is now pretty much guaranteed to constantly reek of fish guts will positively ensure that Rumpel never wants to bone her again!

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In other home-related news, the Count of Monte Cristo has landed in Storybrooke and has left polite word with Charming and Snow White that he wants to murder them, by way of their grandson, Henry. (Because that’s what all the best hit men do, warn their targets that they are coming by writing them a love note on pretty stationary.)

hen-and-count

“If your grandparents could be on time, I’d really appreciate it. Nothing irks me more than when folks are tardy for their own beheadings. So, inconsiderate.”

Upon hearing that the Count wants to kill her parents, Emma snaps out of her doldrums long enough to give mom and dad a ride out of town. Unfortunately, the town now has a spell on it, preventing them from leaving. This is the same spell, which, undoubtedly, the Evil Queen stole from Regina’s crypt earlier in the episode. Emma and Co. are now beginning to suspect the Evil Queen’s reappearance in their lives, if only because the season’s other Big Bad Hyde is holed-up in their only jail cell, nursing a bad case of pink eye . . .

Best Laid Plans

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Back in the past, the Evil Queen gives Professional Wine Pourer, the Count of Monte Cristo, poison to put in Snow’s and Charming’s drinks. The Count is about to go through with murdering the couple. Though, of course, we know he won’t succeed. Because, if he did, they wouldn’t be alive to on this show for six seasons. (Way to spoil the ending for all of us, OUAT!)

The reason that the Count ends up not going through with murdering the Charmings is not something honorable, like a crisis of conscience, or something. As it turns out, the Count spares the Charmings’ lives because, if he poisoned them, he’d also have to poison their handmaiden, and she is really hot. (Apparently, like me, the Count of Monte Cristo is also a very shallow person.)

Unfortunately, for the Count, Rumpel is not so shallow, and he poisons the handmaiden, despite her hotness. You see, Rumpel wants the Charmings to live, so the Evil Queen will cast the spell that takes them to Storybrooke and starts the OUAT television series. And in order for the Charmings to live, shallow hot guys like the Count of Monte Cristo can’t kill them.

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So, Rumpel, who is no dummy, uses the Count’s soft spot for hot chicks to get what he wants. He tells the Count that the only way the latter can save the handmaiden from dying from the poison is by bringing her through the portal to the Land of Untold Stories, so her “Poisoning Story” stops and she gets to live. Granted, the Count could probably just toss the handmaiden through the portal and get the same result. But that wouldn’t help our plot.

Long story, sort-of short, the Count carries this fellow hot person through the portal to the Land of Untold Stories, where the pair undoubtedly have lots of extremely attractive sex with one another. And Charming and Snow are left mourning the fact that they will now have to pour their own wine and dress themselves (which actually explains a lot about why Storybrooke Snow’s hair and wardrobe choices are so hideous).

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“I knew I should have hired an ugly handmaiden!”

Unfortunately, once removed from the Land of Untold Stories, the handmaiden suffers insta-death. The loss of his fellow hot person makes the Count super mad and murderous once again. Then again, maybe he’s murderous because the Evil Queen has his heart and is commanding him to finish the job he started. (Not the wine pouring job, the Snow and Charming murder job.)

OUAT Giveth, and OUAT Taketh Away

sad-monte

Oh, Count of Monte Cristo! You of the fluffy hair, perfectly arched eyebrows, soulful eyes, and questionable moral code. We barely knew ye. (I especially barely knew ye, because I never had to read The Count of Monte Cristo in high school. I did watch the first two seasons of Revenge though. Does that count?)

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The Count arrives on the dock to murder the Charmings. But, in his defense, he feels really crappy about it. The Charmings, for their part, try to ward off the Count by . . . recreating a sequence from the hit Broadway musical, Stomp?

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And so Regina, who knows the power of musical garbage can lids will not be enough to save her new pals, the Charmings, from an untimely impalement, does the “honorable” thing and impales the Count instead.

Wait. WHAT????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, OUAT? WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST HOT GUEST STARS, AND THE SHALLOW PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THEIR PERSONAL APPEARANCE???????

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R.I.P. Count of Monte Cristo. I’ll never forget you . . . or at least, I won’t forget you until they hire Ryan Gosling to guest star as Count Dracula . . .

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“I vant to suck your blood, while showing off my six pack, naturally.”

Seeds of Doubt, Sprinkled Everywhere

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Question: When you do sex stuff with a disembodied version of yourself, is it considered incest or masturbation?

Question: When you do sex stuff with a disembodied version of yourself, is it considered incest or masturbation?

Evil Queen conveniently appears just in time to see No-Longer-Evil Regina murder someone hot in cold blood. Apparently, this was her plan all along . . . not for the Count of Monte Cristo to kill the Charmings, but for Regina to kill the Count in their defense, and realize she’s still kind of a crappy person! Murdering the Count makes Regina feel like total junk. But Evil Queen, who lacks social skills, having lived beneath Regina’s breastplate all these years with minimal opportunity for social interaction, misinterprets this as Regina being horny, and hits on her shamelessly.

The Evil Queen then warns that all of our lead Storybrooke characters still have deep dark secrets that the show hasn’t managed to mine in six seasons, but they will all come out now, gosh darn it. Like Rumpel, for example. He has a bondage fetish.

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And Prince Charming. He may have killed his own father!!!!! But worse, he collects coins! How nerdy!

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And Zelena’s two-month old baby! Well, she surely has the darkest secrets of all!

"What exactly are you hiding underneath that rattle?  Is it crack?"

“What exactly are you hiding inside that rattle? Is it crack?”

With threats of deep dark revelations popping up everywhere as a result of Regina’s sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really self-defense killing of the sexy Count of Monte Cristo, it’s no wonder that Emma is starting to question whether she can really trust Henry’s other mother, especially when Regina was one of the few main characters from the show strangely absent from Emma’s death vision. Could Regina be Emma’s future Almost-But-Not-Actual Killer?

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Tune in next week to receive a few more red herrings, but not actually find out.

 

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GAME OF THRONES: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Recap: S6: Ep 9)

one on everyone

“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”

We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .

On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.

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I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .

Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled

dany and drag

So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?

I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)

threesome

When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .

harpy

jason hockey mask

Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .

city on rise

If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.

“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”

“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.

“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.

burn them all

“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).

And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”

When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!

reigno ver

reign begun

Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .

all three of the dragons

As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.

With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.

abstract

abstract 2

With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.

Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.

trump

Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.

To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .

dany inflammable boobs

In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen

danywins

At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.

watching theon

Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.

Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.

“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”

free of marriage

up for anything

For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.

Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.

It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa

little and sansa together again

With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.

face off them

not impressed

House Mormont is not amused!

In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .

hot dog

Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.

die tomorrow

die tomorrow 2

After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.

Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .

happy shitting

. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .

knows instantly

hold the toy

What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .

toy for shireen

I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .

meli and jon

Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.

wash and waaiting

Honestly, can you blame her?

At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.

thrones-003_0

This can’t end well . . .

Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .

rickon falls

sad snow

We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .

Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .

one on everyone

This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .

battle weary

Kristofer-Hivju-as-Tormund-Giantsbane-in-Game-of-Thrones-Season-6-Episode-9 househornwood

To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.

wun wun win win

steps on

This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.

At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.

vale arryn

Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .

littlefinger

Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?

peeweemovienetflix

“I know you are but what am I?”

Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .

Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .

breaks through door

shiningposter

“Here’s WUNWUN!”

Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.

fallen wun wun

All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . . 😦

We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.

With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!

punch punch punch

face smash

And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .

victory ban

carlton dance

And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.

You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!

ram

shopping

dogs mauling

Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book. Please?)

snarky goes

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

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GAME OF THRONES: Hell to the NO . . . One (Recap S6: Ep 8)

you got served
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]

In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .

tyrion-drinking

Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.

pod and var

Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.

o-CHEERS-facebook

Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!

peni

Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.

tyrion-dancing-top

"Knock, knock." "Whose there? "Astaphor" "Astaphor who?" "Gesundeit!"

“Knock, knock.”
“Whose there?
“Astaphor”
“Astaphor who?”
“Gesundeit!”

Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.

slaver ships

shooting

Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?

hannah dancing

But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?

dany flying

Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!

where are my dragons

In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey

prefer chicken

Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”

last wordsshit at dying

Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.

hanging

You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!

tough to kill

Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”

arnoldpig

The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.

After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!

Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.

If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .

mount

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)

lancel

Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)

Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.

tom

Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .

smushy

This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)

pwned cer

Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?

burn them all

Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It

nikolaj-coster-waldau-as-jaime-lannister

Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.

"XO, XO!"

“XO, XO!”

In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.

sworrd playsword play 2

Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.

try to consider

 

Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”

edd it

 

Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).

kardash

Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.

Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.

Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)

longing look

looking at brienne

Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .

Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever

run waif run

 

chuckie run

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?

Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)

cers and jof

After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.

Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .

dead lady crane

 

scared baby gif

OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!

run jump rollin

Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.

sneering

 

Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.

fight in dark

Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.

the face

ChuckyDoll

But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.

 

sent to kill

waif dead

arya stark of winterfell

 

But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.

Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.

Until next time, Westeros!

[Buy my book, please?]

snarky goes

 

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