A Letter from Chuck Bass to Blair Waldorf, written after he watched the Gossip Girl episode “Cross Rhodes”

My Dearest Blair,

Letter writing . . . it’s a bit of a lost art, don’t you think?  For me, there is just something so personal about putting pen to paper . . . gradually baring my soul to you, with each florid flick of my pen.  To know that you are holding my thoughts in the tips of your long elegant fingers . . . it’s kind of erotic, really.

Then again, you and I have always been a bit old fashioned, haven’t we?

More in some ways, than in others, of course . . .

Generally, I don’t watch much television.  My responsibilities as a prominent New York hotelier don’t afford me much in the way of free time.    And when I do watch, I’m frequently unimpressed.

Source

Just this past week, Nate convinced me to join him in a viewing of an episode of The Jersey Shore.   I spent most of that hour of my life (which I will never get back, by the way) trying to adjust the television screen.  I was about to call the cable company to complain about the poor picture quality.  But Nate assured me that the characters on the show really do have skin that color . . . a fact I found unsettling, to say the least.

That said, Monkey and I have recently gotten into the habit of watching Gossip Girl, together, each week.

Between you and me, Monkey has become a bit of a prima donna, since his debut on the show.  He insists that the producers only film him on his right side.  Every once in a while, you will catch a shot or two of Monkey taken from the left.  When this happens, Monkey always grabs my cell phone in his teeth, and rushes to call his agents in my bedroom.  There’s always a lot of loud barking going on, on those nights.

Anyway, I’m writing this to you, to discuss some things that happened during the “Cross Rhodes” episode that greatly disturbed me.  Aside from the parts of the episode that featured yours truly . . .

. . .  I’d say my favorite part of the episode was the one that featured you and Serena fighting at the breakfast table, after Dorota locked you in the dining room together.  You looked stunning as always, dear Blair.  And part of me was very much hoping that you and Serena would amorously wrestle one another on the table, amidst a shower of breaking glass, flying bits of fruit cocktail, and of course, lots and lots of bacon.

That would have been incredibly arousing . . . though, since Serena is my sister, I would probably have to refrain from looking at her during the battle, and only look at you.  No problem . . .

Also, I must say that having seen the fur vest to which Serena was referring in her insult of your wardrobe choices.  I must say, that I patently disagree with her assessment of it.  I thought you looked smashing in that vest.  Then again, you would look smashing wearing nothing but a paper bag, or better yet, a roll of red-tinted plastic wrap . . .

I’m going to refrain from remarking on the fact that the two of you were arguing over that boring, brillo-pad headed, puff pastry, with a passion for wearing cheap flannel, otherwise known as Daniel Humphrey, for the time being . . .

Source 

Speaking of the Donut, Monkey and I were particularly exited to get to the part of the story, where the Upright Citizens Brigade skewered Dan’s novel.  After all, if there is any book in the world that deserves a good skewering, it’s the Dair fanfiction commonly referred to as “Inside.”  (Dan’s proposed second novel, The Manhattan Monarch, on the other hand . . . now THAT sounds like a good book!).

Source

I was especially interested in seeing which dashing young gentleman they would cast as the brilliantly, witty, but ulimately tragic, auto-erotic asphixiator,  Charlie Trout.  But alas, that aspect of the performance was never shown on screen.  For what it’s worth, I’ve always pictured Charlie as a swarthier Ryan Gosling, or, perhaps, as that talented little Brit, Ed Westwick . . .

That said, I thought the Brigade did a nice job casting that hairy mountain man with the slight speech impediment as Dan Humphrey . . .  Granted, he was a bit more attractive, and charming, than the real Dan.  But isn’t that always the case with Hollywood casting?

As for the girl they cast as a stand-in Serena, she was a bit shorter and rounder than I would have liked, but she did manage to catch many of Serena’s trademark mannerisms . . . most notably, her patent inability to brush her hair, and the fact that she likely shares her wardrobe with Mary Kate Olsen . . .

Regarding the casting of your character, there is no way that Lola girl, could hold a candle to you.  And you are right.  That headband she was wearing was an insult to headbands everywhere, certainly to the caliber of headbands you wore on your pretty little head, back in high school.

So, of course, Monkey and I were thrilled to learn that Lola had to back out of the show (though we’re sorry that Cece had to die for the sake good art), and that you were ready and waiting to take her place.  After all, no one does Blair Waldorf, like Blair Waldorf.  You know that, better than anyone . . .

Prior to the actual play, we did get to see you offering some acting tips to the woman who was to play you, which I think was a very kind gesture, on your part.  I think you were absolutely right, when you described any kiss that would exist between you and Dan Humphrey as “perfunctory.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  (Though the words “nausea-inducing” also immediately come to mind.)

Then, of course, I became very worried for your safety, when Humphrey tried to eat your face, like a hungry zombie, closing in on an exceptionally tasty brain, after weeks of going completely unfed.

The way your hands haphazardly grasped at various parts of that Donut’s body led some viewers to thing you were “caught in an arousing moment.”  But I could see that you were actually fighting for your life.  I was about to call 911 on your behalf, until Monkey reminded me that this show is pre-recorded . . .

Fortunately, Serena arrived to distract the zombie from his brain-eating attack.  And you promptly ran into the streets after her, in hopes of escaping infection by the undead and personality-free.  Monkey and I cheered, when this happened.

Source

I must say, I didn’t understand much about the argument you had with Serena, shortly after she rescued you . . . something about squashing your emotions like a bug.

I seem to remember once, back in high school — the first time I admitted to you that I might be harboring romantic feelings for you — you told me to murder the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  In that case, I’ll take your seemingly random comment as a clandestine acknowledgement of our everlasting love.  Message sent and received, my darling, Queen B.

When it came time for the actual show, there was a ridiculous moment, in which the Serena character relayed to you, an experience in which Humphrey supposedly came to watch you read some essay you wrote in the fifth grade. She said this, even though you and Dan Humphrey did not attend the same school, during that time.  (He was in public school . . . poor boy.).   Also, I might add, you had no idea who the f*&k Dan Humphrey was until high school.

It was a charming story in the way syphillis is charming, despite it’s being completely untrue.  And I guess your response of “Dan loves me for me,” was supposed to be funny.  The Upright Citizens Brigade is meant to be comedic, after all . . .

Now, I certainly can’t  fault Humphrey for falling in love with you, Blair.   You are perfect, in every way.  You know that.  The question is, what version of you does Dan love?

Does he love the strong, powerful,  incredibly ambitious, and often manipulative, woman, who used to stay up nights with me, planning and scheming?  Does he love the Queen B, who ruled the halls of Constance Billard High School, with an iron headband?

Does he love the woman I helped to become the perfect prom queen?  The one who helped me build my empire, and pulled me back from the brink, after my father’s death?

Does he love the first woman to whom I said those ever elusive three words and eight letters?  The woman who enjoys the finer things in life . . . posh hotels, king sized beds with soft sheets made of Egyptian cotton, in ridiculously high thread counts . . .

. . . a designer wardrobe,  eating tasty macaroons . . .

. . . indulging in the kinkiest of foreplay, playing dress-up, and, of course, limo sex?

Or does he only love you, when you are at your most vulnerable and broken  . . . a girl on the run, hiding from a life she never wanted, and pretending to be someone else, so that she doesn’t have to face the nightmare that her world has become?

I wonder . . .

But then you ran out the door again, and I assumed you must be having PTSD flashbacks of Zombie Dan eating your face . . .

When you arrived at the hospital to support Serena in her time of need, I wished I could be there for you.  But Monkey and I were too busy plotting world domination, and my limo driver couldn’t get across town in time.  Yet, I did call you.  And the words you said to me, were statements I genuinely took to heart.

You are absolutely right, Blair.  Being a good person, is more than just being kind to you . . .the woman I love more than life itself.  Being nice to you is easy . . .

. . . The real test of reformation is being benevolent to all of gods creatures . . .

. .  . even dull, squishy-bodied, slugs like, Dan Humphrey.

And thanks to your powerful words, I vow to be an all-around more decent person, in the future, Blair  . . . even to those who are less fortunate than myself . . . or at least have less fortunate hair . . .

Then, you told Humphrey you had real feelings for him, and I started to wonder whether, perhaps, he had chewed out a portion of your brain, after all . .  .  I plan to have an in-depth conversation about this with my neurologist, later today.  It’s a good thing you decided to stick around the hospital.  Impromptu surgery might be in order . . .

Until then, I pray for your speedy recovery.  Don’t you worry, though.  I’m not going to make a Pact with God, on your behalf.   Because that would just be ridiculous . . .

Forever yours, with deep and abiding love,

Charles Bass.

P.S. Dan sent that video of us declaring our love for one another on your wedding day to Gossip Girl.  If you ever want to get revenge on his ass for pretty much ruining your life, you know who to call  . . .

26 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

26 responses to “A Letter from Chuck Bass to Blair Waldorf, written after he watched the Gossip Girl episode “Cross Rhodes”

  1. TerraBeth

    I have been wondering how you would deal with this trainwreck of an plotline. Thanks for this. Especially the observation that Dan only likes Blair when she’s weeping and weak.

    • Hi TerraBeth! Yep, you caught me. I tried quite a few times to write a full and genuine recap for “Cross Rhodes.” But my attempts were all coming off as mean-spirited, whiny, and not funny at all. I don’t think they would have been fun reads for everybody. 🙂

      Then, I came up with the idea to give Chuck a voice. And what you read above, is what stemmed from that. This was actually a lot of fun to write. 🙂

      Prior to the airing of “The Princess Dowry,” I was considering writing THAT recap from Season 1 Blair’s perspective. But I actually think, aside from that vomit-inducing ending, there was enough solid, non Dair-related plot in that episode to merit a full recap. So, we shall see. Hopefully, it will be up in the next couple of days. 😉

      Thanks so much for reading, and for being patient with me, during this trying Chairy time. 🙂

  2. Love it! Enjoyed reading what Chuck’s reaction to the epi could have been. Also, I missed seeing Charlie Trout in the Upright Citizens Brigade as well. I would LOVE to have seen how that was portrayed… YIKES! Thanks for this 🙂

    • Absolutely teeting! Putting “Charlie Trout” on the screen was a MAJOR missed opportunity. Season 1 Chuck Bass is just so ripe for parody. And I would have loved to have seen another actor, attempt to mimic his distinct style and mannerisms.

      For me, I felt like the whole Upright Citizens Brigade idea could have been SO good, but instead fell completely flat (mainly, because it ended up being used as nothing more than a plot device to prop up Dair). One of the things I always USED to love about Gossip Girl was it’s ability to make fun of itself. And including a few Season 1 GG parodies in this episode would have been a great way to do that.

      *sighs* Sometimes, I just want to take these writers by the shirt and shake them. 😉 (I assume Chuck Bass feels the same way.)

  3. Emily

    You are SO right! Dan only likes Blair when she’s needy and vulnerable. Chuck is the one who truly loves all sides of Blair. Thank you for this! Twenty times better than the episode itself.

    • Absolutely Emily. To me, the fact that they’ve made Blair so unrecognizable from her former self just proves that Dan and Blair are NOT meant to be. Blair’s scheming, her ambition, her sense of humor, her adoration for the finer things in life . . . these weren’t character flaws! They are what made Blair the character with whom we and Chuck Bass all fell in love so many seasons ago.

      To take these character traits away, and leave Blair meek, passive, overly polite, and overall defeatist is not an illustration of character growth . . . it’s a lobotomy! And I hate that the writers seem to be forgetting all the wonderful things that make Blair, Blair, all for the sake of a select portion of the fanbase.

      If the writers want to keep Chuck and Blair apart, until closer to the end of the series, to ensure that they are endgame, I’m OK with that. That’s a natural thing for a show to do. I would have just hoped they found a way to do it, that didn’t involve the complete alteration of one of my favorite television characters of all time.

  4. abhine3

    Great review…. I almost puked when Dair happened… Horrible episode…. People watch this show for Chair… Dunno what writers are playing at…. Chair is an era… I m sick of Dan insulting Serena over and over again… He hardly even says hi to her… Dan is the new Vanessa in G.G now!!! Totally annoying and ruining everything for everyone…. Why is he even in UES and not in NYU????

    • Excellent point, abhine3. I threw up a bit in my mouth, during those kisses two. The writing surrounding them was just so sappy, nauseating. I felt like I was watching an Upright Citizens Brigade parody of the show . . . except this part was “real.”

      And you are absolutely right. By now, I think the writers have given up all pretense of these characters ever attending class . . . 🙂

      I think Dan HAS become the new Vanessa of GG. This week’s developments all but cemented that in my eyes. Poor Serena. I tease her mercilessly. But she really does deserve better treatment than what she’s gotten, lately . . . all the characters do.

  5. Rogue

    🙂 i was wondering if you would recap that awful episodes, thought i predict even worse ones will come

    • Hi Rogue! I tried to recap this one fully . . . really I did. Hence, the lateness. 🙂 I always try to make my recaps, snarky and sometimes critical, but overall, positive and good natured. And when I find I’m too overwhelmed with negativity for an episode to do that, I tend to back away from the recap, so as not to alienate my readers.

      This little letter was my endrun around that, and actually ended up being a really fun exercise for me. I think I can find it in my heart to do a full recap of The Princess Dowry, though . . . especially now that I know how bad Donut Dan is in the sack. 😉 Put a fork in Dair, ladies and gentlemen. They are SO DONE! 😉

  6. `toomuchpurple

    I loved this! So much truth and also funny. I guess aliens abducted Blair or else Dan really chewed on her brain, because this Blair we’re seeing on the show is not what she used to be. The show is getting reedechulous, as Louis-bot would say.

    • Hey toomuchpurple! I’ve been lurking around your site as well, and have been getting so much solace from it. CB the PP is like the light at the end of the dark tunnel that is this epic fail Dair storyline.

      I’m starting to wonder whether the writers are putting Blair with Dan to show just how lost and depressed she has become over the loss of her baby, the almost-loss of Chuck, and the torture she endured at the hands of the royal family. Even Chuck noted how much she’s changed, lately. It was particularly apparent in “The Princess Dowry,” in which Blair was being betrayed and screwed over, left and right, throughout the episode.

      But she seemed to just sit back, morosely, and take it, as if all the fight has been knocked out of her. The old Blair would have been raging throughout the episode, and hilariously scheming left and right, to right the wrongs committed against her. It was sad, and scary, to see Queen B so obviously defeated by her circumstances.

      If that’s the purpose of the storyline, and Chuck is able to recognize the problem, and ultimately bring Blair back to herself — just as Blair did for Chuck, when he was struggling with his father’s death — I might be able to almost forgive this travesty of a storyline . . . almost.

      Thanks again for stopping by, for continuing your exceptional coverage of GG, and for being the satin headband that holds all of us Chair fans together in this time of crisis. 🙂

  7. Frances

    Great recap! I agree with basically everything you said. It’s Chuck who loves powerful, in-control Blair – Dan found that version of Blair terrifying, and only developed romantic feelings after he saw her cry (which, y’know, icky).

    • Hey Frances. You bring up a great point. Of course, we all want someone to love us, even when we are at our worst. But true love means loving someone, when they are at their best as well. Dan has never been able to cope with the Queen B version of Blair, which is precisely who she’s been, for about 95% of Gossip Girl. And the fact that, this week, Dan all but admitted to isolating Blair from her friends and lovers, to keep her from going back to her “old ways” is a bit frightening. It’s like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .

  8. megan

    Great recap. The show is a train wreck now and I’m just glad the ratings reflect it. R.I.P Gossipgirl

    • You are right, megan. GG certainly hasn’t done itself any favors, saddling Blair with ridiculous cyborg guest stars and Donuts, instead of Chuck Bass. And the ratings are certainly reflecting that. Chair fans have always been the largest fanbase within the GG universe. A good portion of that fanbase watches the episode, just for storylines featuring interaction between these two characters. Take that away, and you lose that fanbase . . . possibly, for good.

      I hope for the show’s sake, the writers come to their senses soon. 🙂

  9. Amelia

    Hi Julie! I was wondering when/if you’d recap this latest installment of GGFail. This was excellent, and really funny. But also sad, how did Blair get to this point? Are we supposed to forget five years of Chair history? Also I can’t believe they used that Dair fanfiction, and fictional “scenes that supposedly happened in S1” to prop up Blair’s alleged :feelings: for the Donut.
    It’s hard to take this new “crush” seriously when Blair was declaring her love for Chuck in every other episode, saying how living without him is the hardest thing she’s ever had to do, how she loves him more and more every day if that’s even possible, how she’s always loved him, and how she loves every part of him, and how he’s the one she never wants to leave.
    It’s interesting that Dan detested everything that Chuck loves about Blair, and now Blair mistakeningly thinks that “dan loves her for her”, which is just troubling. Do I need to buy DVDs for Blair so she can see that this certainly isnt the case.
    Lovely (but heartbreaking) recap as always!

    • TerraBeth

      That’s a good idea. We should send DVDs of Gossip Girl to Blair. Then she can hear how Dan ACTUALLY felt about her during S1 (“95 pounds of girly evil”), not the writers’ retconned version.

    • Hey Amelia! I am sorry about the lateness of this recap. In my defense, my WordPress dashboard now contains no less than four failed attempts at recapping “Cross Rhodes,” all of which ended with me shutting down my computer in disgust. Writing a mini-cap alongside Chuck and Monkey ended up being a lot more fun. So, I just decided to go with it. 🙂

      I really am starting to believe that the reason that Blair has done such a complete 180 these past few episodes is that she is experiencing depression and PTSD over the loss of her baby, and everything that happened to her this past season. After all, we never really got to see her cope with that extreme loss, beyond some initial tears.

      Just as Chuck did back in Season 4, when he became Henry Prince and started dating that random prostitute, I think Blair mistakenly believes that, if she can let go of everything she once was, she won’t have to experience the pain of what happened to her. Unfortunately, Chuck is the person she most identifies with the woman she’s always been, which is why he seems to be getting the brunt of her psychological abandonment. It’s the only reason I can think of to explain why Blair would willingly choose a fictional history with Dan, over a real one with Chuck.

      I admit, it’s kind of a dark turn for GG to take, burdening one of its most beloved characters with crippling mental distress. But, if Chuck can help her see what she’s doing, and nurse her back from it, maybe it will be worth it. (I doubt it, but we can hope, can’t we?)

      On a lighter note, I love your suggestion of sending Blair GG DVDs! Perhaps, we can start an online campaign to do this. How awesome would that be? The DVDs are expensive, admittedly, but YouTube videos aren’t? 😉

  10. sonia

    Just sad. I really have no other words! Gonna go watch old seasons of Blair and keep those memories in my head.

    • I agree 100%, sonia. Try fanfiction.net too. Lately, I’ve been reading some spectacular and very well-written Chair fanfictions. These have gone a long way in helping me to rid my consciousness of the stain that is Dair. 🙂 Whatever works, right? 😉

  11. Ak47

    Amazingg recap. 😀
    ‘Chuck, you know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire, but those butterflies have got to be murdered!’
    I miss the hot sex in season 1, the games in season 2, chuck and blair, blair and chuck. Haha, do the Blair from season1s perspective sooon right?
    And Donut Dan fell in love with Serena at a bday party in grade 6, and went to listen to Blairs essays too? What is is guy?

    • Thanks, Ak47. Between you and me, I am working on pinning down Season 1 and 2 Blair’s voice, so that I can eventually write something on her behalf. I’ll keep you posted.

      Excellent point about Dan, though. Looks like he was quite the lothario at ages 10 and 11. So what the eff happened to him? Maybe I should write my next recap from the point of view of 10-year old Dan! 🙂 It would probably start something like this, “I think Serena van der Woodsen is really pretty, but her friend Blair has cooties.” 😉

  12. Pingback: HelloGiggles – You Are Not Blair Waldorf

  13. Taylor

    First of all, Blair is cheating on Chuck Bass. If I l knew his phone # I would have told him. But still, Chuck is a nice guy. I will love him until I die. Most people think that Chuck is a good for nothing idiot, but I love him. I would tell him over and over every day. P.S. Blair Cornelia James Waldorf and Chuck Bass don’t belong. There both sweet in the movie but in real life, Blair’s cheating, and she’s getting married next month to Luke Carter. Im sorry about this but I REALLY REALLY LOVE CHUCK BASS.

  14. Chuck Bass

    Blair, I will love your baby as much as I love you and I will never get over you. Not now, Not ever and if you truly love me you’ll meet me at the top of the Efile Tower.

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