The Psychology of Chuck and Blair: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Unblairable Lightness of Being”

I’ll be the first to admit it.   After last week’s jaw-dropping, OMFG-uttering, dynamo of an episode . . .

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from this week’s installment of Gossip Girl.  And while, “The Unblairable Lightness of Being” certainly wasn’t the most action-packed of episodes,

or the funniest,

or even the sexiest / sluttiest,

it was certainly the smartest.

After all, this was the episode that delved into the complex relationship between Chuck and Blair — capturing every sexy, tragic, intense, magical, conniving, self-sacrificing, mutualistic facet of the coupling, in the course of a single hour.  Oh, and this was also the episode where pregnant Dorota (Blair’s Housekeeper / Surrogate Mommy) finally got MARRIED (and got her own place to live)!

Now if they could just stop making her wear that ridiculous French Maid Halloween costume all the time!  She’s a housekeeper!  WE GET IT!

And Little Eric got a life!  And (maybe) a potential plotline?

Little E = No longer just Little J’s bitch?

And Serena may have finally found her Daddy Dearest!

“There he is!  The one guy on this show, I WON’T be able to sleep with .  . .”

Oh, and did I mention there was NO DAN AND VANESSA STORYLINE?

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

A Nice Day for a White Russian Wedding . . .

When the episode opens, a very preggers Dorota is freaking out because her parents, having heard news of her recent engagement to Vanya the Doorman, have decided to fly out from Russia to visit.  The problem?  Dorota is just a few months shy of popping out one of these . . .

 . . . and her parents have NO IDEA!

When Blair’s mom suggests Dorota pop on over to the Justice of the Peace and nip this thing in the bud, Dorota won’t hear of it.  Apparently, her first marriage was done by a Justice of the Peace, and ended badly.  Therefore, she is determined to have a REAL wedding, complete with all bells and whistles of Russian tradition.

Hey, just like Fiddler on the Roof!  Traditionnnnn!  TRADITION!  Ooooh Ooh Ooh Tradition!

(Sorry . . . I got a bit carried away there . . . )

Anyway, Chuck . . .

“How’s my hair?”

 . . . (Who has TOTALLY been in the doghouse with Blair since he, you know, kinda-sorta prostituted her out to his Uncle, to keep his precious hotel.) decides he needs to make some sort of a grand gesture to win back Blair’s Gucci-encrusted heart.  His grand solution?  To throw money at the problem, of course!  Chuck offers to throw Dorota and Vanya an impromptu traditional Russian Wedding.

AGAIN!  SORRY!  It was just TOO EASY!

This way, by the time Dorota’s parents arrive from Russia, and learn that their baby girl is knocked up, she will already be married. ( RIIIIIGHT!  Because Dorota’s strict parents are going to be THRILLED  that they flew halfway across the WORLD to see their daughter’s wedding, only to learn that she went and got married without them.)  Anyway, blatant stupidity aside, Dorota asks Blair and Chuck to be the “happy couple” that escort Dorota down the aisle, as part of Russian tradition, of course.  (Don’t worry, I won’t do it again).  Afraid to heart Surrogate Mom’s feelings, Blair accepts, but not before throwing a withering look in Chuck’s direction.

“This is what I think of your hair, Chuck!”

When Chuck confronts Blair about their now-sour relationship, she  tells him that what he did was unforgivable, and that he’s basically a sh&*ty person.  Chuck replies that Blair is a sh&*ty person too, because she was willing to screw Uncle Jack, before even learning about Chuck’s deal with him.  Blair agrees about her sh&*tyness, and tells Chuck, that perhaps she loves him too much, because she is willing to do hideous slutty things for him.  Therefore, he can’t be good for her.  When Blair later admits that Jack did NOT agree to sleep with her that night, Chuck is elated.  He claims that now everything can go back to the way it was, with the two of them scheming, game-playing, and having lots of hot sex.  Blair is not so sure . . .

Then, at that random Russian version of a bachelor / bachelorette party, Blair runs into snoozy Dan (who, I must say, is significantly less snoozy without Vanessa around) . ..

“Hi!  You’ve reached the office of Dan’s Personality.  I’m not here right now, but . . .”

In a feeble attempt to be supportive, Dan tells Blair that she should be with Chuck, because he can’t imagine the two of them with anyone else.  Blair takes this to mean that she and Chuck MUST be together, as a result of their mutual sh&*tiness.  Blair informs Chuck of this, in a sexy scene involving the erotic putting-on of a necklace.  (No, I’m serious.  It was really hot!  These two could roll around in dog cacca, and it would STILL be really hot.)  The conversation continues, during an equally sexually intense scene involving a strategically-placed balloon.

At the wedding, when it comes time for the “happy couple” to escort Dorota down the aisle, Super Selfish Blair chooses this precise moment to break down in tears about how UNHAPPY she and Chuck actually are. (Ummmm, Blair?  What about the words’ “SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING” don’t you understand?)  She then runs away in a cloud of dramatic hysterics.  Dorota, who doesn’t want to lose her job and be deported cares very much about Blair, stops her wedding and comforts the youngun, telling Blair that her happiness as an individual is more important than her “happiness as part of a couple.” 

Blair’s mom overhears this triple- hanky moment, and decides to give Dorota the keys to a new apartment.  Said apartment was purchased for the housekeeper, by Mrs. Waldorf’s new husband, that nerdy teacher dude from Clueless.

You see, initially, Blair’s mom didn’t want to give Dorota the apartment because she is a cheap biatch thought it would be inappropriate to do so.  But now, realzing that Dorota is a better mommy to Blair than she will ever be, Mama Waldorf changes her mind. 

After the ceremony, Blair and Chuck share yet another close encounter, where Chuck begs Blair to give their relationship another chance, “We have to see this through to the end,” argues Chuck.

“It is the end,” remarks Blair sadly, before leaving Chuck alone on the dancefloor.  Ouch!

In other news,

Nothing You Can Say Can Tear Me Away from Bi-Guy .  . .

Little Eric’s new crush, who we initially thought was gay, and, later, thought was straight, turns out to be bisexual . . .

 . . . just like Anna Paquin . . .

because . . .

Papa’s Got a Brand New Nag . . .

Back in Serena Land, Little J is continuing on with her quest to break up these two . . .

 . . . so that she can have Natey-kins all to herself.

Except, she really doesn’t have to work that hard at it, because Serena is a TOTAL MORON!  First off, Serena STILLdoes  not realize that Jenny is scheming against her.  She, therefore, CONTINUES to feed Little J damning information to be used against the couple . . .

“Bravo Smartypants!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Serena has also begun to dig her own grave, by setting up clandestine meetings with her ex-beau, Carter Baizen.

(played by Sebastian Stan, who was dating, but recently broke up with, Leighton Meester, who plays Blair, FYI).

With Jenny’s not-so-altruistic help, Nate learns of these rendezvous, and is none too pleased, particularly when he learns that Carter has left Serena keys to his hotel room.  When confronted, Serena admits to Nate the true purpose of these meetings: to find Serena’s Continuously Absentee Biological Pop Pop .  . .

(who, from what I heard, will eventually be played by this guy, Billy Baldwin). 

Nate responds by giving Serena an ultimatum: “No more playing with Carter!”  Serena balks at this, and storms off.  Later, when Serena  is on her way to Dorota’s wedding, Carter stops her, and tells her that he has found her father’s home address.  Daddy-O is currently residing in Palm Springs.  However, if they want to see him, they (conveniently) have to leave ASAP. 

Serena complies, ditching the wedding in favor of the trip.  But when she tries to call Nate, to let him know what is going on, Little J picks up the phone.  Of course, she fails to deliver the message in the way it was intended.

In the limo, Carter admits that he has known of the whereabouts of Papa Van Der Woodsen for a week already, but kept this information a secret, because he just really wanted to get into Serena’s pants.  Serena kicks Carter’s ass out of the limo, and heads to Palm Springs alone.  But when she gets there, and knocks on the door, her father isn’t there.  This woman IS!

Dun, Dun, Dun!  It’s SERENA’S MOM!

Tune in next week, when it appears that the recently-single, Brooding Bad Ass, Chuck, will try to help Little J hook up with Nate, in order to further some bizarre revenge plot against Blair and Serena.

Until then, XOXO!