Tag Archives: love triangle

Teen-ier Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Benefactor”

freshmen right

Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick.  And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?

hot jackson

If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .

the new class

Not sold yet?  Did I mention the episode involves a Party?

heard party

dancing stiles moon

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]

Tie me up, tie me down . . .

Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .

teeth

dentures-in-water-lg

nap time perpetuall

“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”

Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.

smells like teen spirit

Smells like Teen Spirit.

“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely.  “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”

confused liam

“Who me?  Couldn’t be?”

“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub.  (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)

Soap%20on%20a%20Rope%20thumbnail

The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .

rubber duckie

“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie?  He makes bathtime so much more fun!”

rub my ducky

In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t  over the past three seasons.  (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)

i was going to take a shower

“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!

What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.

behave

“Now you behave!”

da fuck

“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”

(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)

ew face

“Ewwww emotions, gross!”

Liam, apparently, knew this.  (Maybe he has sisters?)  And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.

chair

“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”

“What the heck is your problem, Liam?”  Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality.  (That tub was sparkling clean!  Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)

that went a whole lot better in my head

“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”

Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .

Don’t Worry Peter.   Derek is next .  . .

Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?

looking good peter hale

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”

You know what I do?  I TURN ON LIGHTS!  LOTS OF THEM!  It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .

check out my new outfit

 

“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”

Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .

that stings

“This kind of stings.  Not going to lie.”

What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.  Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered  . . ..

better i know what you

shhhh

Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?

baby simba

50 Shades of Malia

Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend .  . .

not what you think

dont want to know

Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?

chains

chain yank

3 5 chained mike

Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps.  What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps?  A second rate one, that’s who!

Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .

the key

“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!

lydia smirk

In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”

I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Speaking of unseemly scents .  . .


“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving  .  . . Like Herpes, or HPV”

Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . .  .

running man li

“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray?   It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”

So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”

scary derek

But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .

ill be watching you

the gift

4 4 quit stalking

Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .

ephemeral

. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .

walk

fall

party

love it

“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”

You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .

So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?

scott dog dish

wolf pack turne

No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!

After all, it worked out so well .  . . All Those Other Times, remember?

wake uppppp stiles

As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a  She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.

worst party ever

headache

Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t.  Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .

blue eyes

cock blocker

“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit!  They are special genetic anomalies!  And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”

And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house .  . .

floor ruiner

lyd screams

That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .

where da party at

You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house .  . .

more dancing stiles

. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .

secret circle 8 face off

. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .

JOE JONAS, DEMI LOVATO

.  . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?

hey hey hey

Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .

Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .

benefactor

the clue

“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”

Taming the Beast

Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar.  The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face.  (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)

thwack smash

peaceful

Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk.  “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.

this is my happy face

“This is my happy face.”

“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.

winky stiles

Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.

You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy.  I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .

bad hair day

“Bad hair day?”

out of shape stiles

Don’t feel bad, Malia.  After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!

You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.

hate my job

“I hate my job.”

lost my head

“Lost my head.”

Now, that’s just cold!

he had it coming he was overcharging

“He had it coming.  He was overcharging for beer.”

Naughty and Nice

If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason.  He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet.  Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!

nooo

oop

the carpet whisperer

“Have no fear.  I am the Carpet Whisperer.”

Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains.  She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!

abstract art

“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”

Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .

Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.

smack lick

boner

“Eye boner.”

B*tch!  No wonder the kid is pissed off!  Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!

cock blocker

blue balls

Control is Overrated

These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.

confused-monkey

Wait . . . WHAT?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me.  But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.

good stiles

Don’t hate me yet.  Just hear me out.  Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control .  . .

stiles kicks kiras ass

stiles no

Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed.   And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.

If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .

But what do I know?   I’m not a were-anything . . .

abominable snowman

On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .

alpha now

alpha at the window

Maybe  this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .

Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .

gives me joy

I Got Your Text

I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime.  As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .

fight

In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore.  And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites.  But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages .  . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass.  How embarrassing!  SOS!”

beard ba

Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . .  .

key allison

scream for al

That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)

Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.

remain silent

haha

But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .

ass kcik

finish-him-o

finish hi

Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .

large and in charge

Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster.  You’re a werewolf, like me.  (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes.  Remember that, b*tch!”)

you are like e

my hero

my hero

Liam looks vaguely impressed.  Then again, maybe he’s just tired.  He’s had a really crappy night.

So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place?  (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)

stefan shrug

Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?

Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang.  The Benefactor says you’re all going to die!  And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .

dead pool

more dead pool

Sucks to be you!

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Bad Mouth! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Muted”

shhhh

We’ve all been there . . . said something we shouldn’t have said . . .

stiles grossed out

. . . kissed someone we shouldn’t have kissed . . .

malia kisses

. . . eaten something we shouldn’t have eaten.

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

When you really think about it, our mouths are probably the second most trouble-making body parts we have.  (I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out the most trouble-making body part.)

never have sex

In a way, it was kind of fitting that this week’s installment of Teen Wolf starred a creepy mouthless dude, especially considering how all the people on the show with mouths were getting screwed over by them, left and right, throughout the hour.  (Geez, three sentences into my recap, and I’ve already made two sex metaphors.   It must just be one of those weeks .  . .)

3 1 always horny imperial bedrooms

So clean the blood off your pussy . . . cat, leave an “Out to Lunch” sign on your door for the local axe murderer, and, for heaven sakes, wipe that smirk off your face!  It’s time for another Teen Wolf recap.

dancing stiles moon

[As always, a hearty Werebanger Roar to screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who enticed me to research the term Wendigo prior to writing this recap.  (And by “research,” I mean type the word into Wikipedia and skim the first two paragraphs . . .)]

Strangers in the Night (Exchanging Chompers)

Now, I know that Mouthless Morty (a.k.a. The Mute) was supposedly only stalking Sean and his Wendigo family to make a few quick bucks, by eliminating some supernatural Beacon Hills residents from “The Benefactor’s” Deadpool.

And yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Guy With No Teeth chose as his first target the kid with a spare set of pearly whites in his mouth, ripe for the taking.  Do you?

teeth

waiting with teeth

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  When we first meet Sean, he’s just your average, mildly attractive, non-cannibalistic, high school boy, sleeping peacefully in his bed with visions of the dead bodies in his basement dancing in his head.  He awakens in the middle of the night, to find that he’s misplaced his pussy  . . .

here pussy pussy

“Pussy Come!”

So, he goes outside to look for her.

hey pussy

 

“Here, Pussy, Pussy!  Come here, Sweet Pussy!”

Silly Sean!  Why would your pussy go outside in the cold, when it has a perfectly warm spot to lay, right in your bedroom?

stiles upward looking

Having given Pussy up for dead, Sean returns to his house, which is pretty swanky . . . not necessarily, high school teacher Kira’s dad’s house swanky . . .

asian inspired house

. . . or Lydia Martin’s (whatever it is her parents do for a living) mansion swanky.  But Sean’s ma and pa are definitely raking in more dough than say Scott’s Nurse, Who Basically Runs the Entire Hospital By Herself Mom, and Stiles’ Only Officer Over the Age of 25 in the Beacon Hills PD Dad.

kind of swanky

(Thus proving that “eating your competition” is, in fact, a legitimate way to achieve the American Dream .  . .)

plague on houses

Anywhoo, Sean finds some telltale paw-sized bloody footprints near the side of his bed, which, in and of itself, shouldn’t be all that alarming to a cannibal, who happens to own a cat.  And Sean isn’t alarmed.  In fact, when he first finds the naughty pussy (named Willow, no less.  As in Pussy Willow?  Seriously!) under his bed, he’s super relieved! That is, until he takes a closer look . . .

shower please

“Anyone got a tampon?”

(Truth be told, nothing freaks out an Alpha Male more than a bloody pussy .  . .)

 As if on cue, immediately upon finding Pussy Willow lying in a pool of blood not her own, Sean hears the horrifying sounds of his family being bludgeoned to death next door.  It’s legitimately terrifying.   Davis has done a good job building suspense in these first few moments of the episode, and is now about to give his Werebangers the payoff we’ve both wanted and feared since the hour began.

And by payoff, I mean a really nice shot of Sean flexing his muscles shirtless . . .

body shot

And also the whole creepy axe murderer stalking Sean through his home, and casually tossing tomahawks in his general direction . . .

bloody tom

. . . but mostly the whole Shirtless Thing.

hubba hubba

“Hello Sean.  I just killed your family.  Do you want to die like them, begging for your life.  Or, do you want to fight?” A Darth Vader-y voice bellows from a laptop that Mouthless Morty has conveniently brought along for this murderous occasion.

internet derek 2

(Morty, it must be said, is an impressively fast typist. having tapped out the entire phrase above in under ten seconds.  If this whole Hitman of Supernaturals thing doesn’t work out, he should definitely consider a successful career as a Court Reporter. Then again, maybe he pre-types his threats before he heads off on his killing sprees . . .)

This is pretty much your textbook case of fight-or-flight response.  Sean, who is played brilliantly by Glenn McCuen, is clearly devastated by the loss of his entire family, but he’s also intensely pissed off.  He hates Mouthless Morty for ruining his life, and would like nothing more than to make him suffer an excruciating death.  But Sean is no dummy (poor pussy-finding skills aside).  As he stands in his bedroom, fists clenched, ready for battle, you can almost see the wheels turning in his brain.  Should I fight?  Can I take this guy out?

conflicted

Nope  . . .

run

Meanwhile, in another apartment for Lost Boys without parents . . .

That’s a lot of money, honey .  . .

Derek and Peter (Do these guys live together now?  Because, last I checked Derek’s loft apartment lacked even a single bed, not to mention a toilet) find themselves across the table from hired gun Braeden, with whom they are in the process of (poorly) negotiating the terms of Kate’s recapture.  Here’s how it goes down.  Derek makes an offer.  Braedan makes a counter-offer that, from the look on Peter’s face is about double what Derek offered.  Derek accepts the offer immediately, and without reservation.

negotiate

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Geez Derek!  Everyone knows you never accept the first offer in negotiations.  Didn’t they teach you anything in Brooding Bad Boy Beefcake School?

derek dream 1

“Ummmm . . .”

Peter is understandably furious, recognizing that now that he is cash poor, he may actually have to get a Real Job based on a resume that boasts only the following skills:

smirky peter

*master manipulator

*the ability to return from the dead

*the ability to look younger than you actually are

*lady killer

*complete lack of conscience

*possible sociopath

*definite megalomaniac

*occasionally (and inexplicably) speaks with a British accent, despite not being British

*looks great in a V-neck

Come to think of it, this sounds like the resume of most CEOs from major Fortune 500 Corporations.  Peter will be just fine.  I don’t know why he’s so worried!

evil peter pan

But then Derek flashes his new golden eyes at Peter, and everything changes.  It appears that, in addition to temporarily kidnapping his manhood, Kate has gone and made Derek a virgin again . . . well, a Murder Virgin, at least . . . (There’s no magical spell in all the land that is going to erase that icky Darach Sex from Derek’s history.)

yellow eyes

darach

Talk about beer googles . . .

Oh Captain, My (Soon-to-Be) Former Captain

Warning:  The actor who plays new-kid-in-town Liam is NOT LEGAL.  (This is not a drill, like back when we were all shamefully crushing on Stephen McQueen from Vampire Diaries, who despite playing a 15-year old, was actually in his early 20’s . . .  thankfully.)

jer 2

its_legal_to_love_

This is real.  If you are over the age of 18, and you are reading this, you are officially not allowed to lust over this . . .

confused liam

not ok 4

. . . or this . . .

yum

no no on

. . .  or this . . .

hey

don't believe 2

Oh, and I almost forgot, blah, blah, blah, this kid is very good at lacrosse, and may put Scott’s position as captain in jeopardy, blah . . .

REMINDER, YOU CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE . . .

bad idea

We know return you to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

Because Human Beings Can Be Serial Killers Too (Who knew?)

So, like I said, if you happen to be under 18 and reading this, Jeff Davis has already generously offered up a new specimen of man crush to you in the form of Liam (because you definitely shouldn’t get too attached to Pussy Willow-owner Sean).

nap

But fear not, Fellow Old Farts, Davis has provided some age-appropriate eye candy to YOU too . . .

new doc

Recognize This Guy?

stefan shrug

No?  How about now?

jer and connor

connor jordan

That’s right, Werebangers, Beacon Hills newest Dr. McDreamy is none other than Connor The Hunter from TVD, who, by the way, seems to be making some pretty blatant Googly Eyes at Scott’s mom . . .

Sorry, Scott’s dad, you just got served .  . .

daddy o

Speaking of served . . . look who is back?

hand on red

“Memba me . . . and my pussy?”

Later Scott’s mom and Stiles’ dad find themselves in the morgue,  dealing with the all-too-familiar sensation of sorting through piles of freshly dead bodies.  Having determined, based on the corpse eviscerations, that the murderer of Sean’s family is actually MAN and NOT WOLF (or lizard, or fox, or were jaguar, or evil Japanese spirit), two-thirds of the adult contingent on this show surreptitiously slap one another five that they won’t be needing to further traumatize their children, by bringing them into this mess . . .

morgue

Haha, that’s what THEY think  . . .

This Means (Sports) War . . .

Back at School, Stiles and Scott unsuccessfully attempt to bully young Liam into admitting he’s a Were-Something.

yooo

“How hairy are you?  Seriously, take off your shirt!  Let me see your body hair?”

What’s the matter Scooby Gang, you’ve never met a Real Teenage Boy who is actually naturally good at sports?

out of shape stiles

No?  Well, than you have reason to fear, because this kid is super attractive (objectively speaking!), super talented, and (gasp) super ready to take your spots as the new lacrosse captain, not to mention, the new protagonist of this show, after you both head off to the dreaded-for-all-teen-shows C-word . . . College.

love college

It’s been a while since this show, has had a good old fashioned Sports Brawl!  So, you have to sympathize a bit with our heroes for showing up at the table a bit unprepared .  . .

threatened sti

In Scott’s and Stiles’ defense, they’ve been a bit distracted, of late, with things like Family Murdering Axe Murderers . . .

. . . not-so-much girlfriends, who are secretly moving, but don’t want to tell you, because you kiss them like you are their grandpa . . .

for sale

. . . Big Spoons, who are REALLY bad at math . . .

math is hard

“1 +1 equals . . . the number of bites it would take to chew off Lydia’s leg?”

And . . . what the heck is going on with this guy’s neck?  EWWWWWWW!

stoma

slurp

gib

Slurp, slurp

When “being himself” leads to Scott totally stinking up the joint in practice, Stiles plays the devil on Scott’s shoulder .  . .

mischeivous stiles

(But not that devil.  Stiles is done with that.  Jeff Davis’ has promised that our hero will be funny again, this year.)

 . . . and convinces our True Alpha to embrace his inner werewolf to secure his position as Captain of the Lacrosse Team . . .

alpha now

He does . . .

 . . . and, of course, it goes badly . . . for Scott and Stiles . . .

going to die

. . . and then, thanks to a friendly wager from Malia, it goes REALLY badly, for Liam . . .

crippl

I’m Bringing Sexual Tension Back . . .

Gun-for-hire Braedan and Musclely Dudebro Derek share all the markings of a film noir romance . .  .

tension

She talks in whispers, impersonates FBI agents, speaks in riddles (and in Spanish), likes to walk around half naked, and wears really right leather pants . . .

half nak

He is tortured, brooding, and looks at people like this .  . .

watching her

too hot tyler

It’s a match made in Beacon Hills Heaven . . .

Elsewhere in sexual tension town, Deputy Hot Pants is casing the joint at Sean’s house, when he finds Lydia “I Smell Dead People” Martin snooping around there.

short skirt

He really likes what he sees . . . (hey Deputy, better make sure she’s 18, first . . .)

18

Then, they find the decaying bodies in the basement, and he doesn’t like what he sees . . . at all . . .

some makeup

“I could really go for some blush and a self-tanner.  Maybe a hot oil conditioning treatment for my hair.  I hear the local salon gives a discount to people who prove they’ve been dead for at least a week.”

 Meanwhile, back at school, Scott tries to awkwardly apologize to Kira for the Grandpa Kiss .  . .

no idea what im doing

blue balls

But then, he finally grows some balls, tells her, he’s not sorry at all, and gives her a Real Kiss . . . with tongue . . .

smooch

“Tastes like kitsune.”

Thank you, Scott, who, in the words of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character in Cruel Intentions, has been pursuing Kira with the speed of a Special Olympic Hurdler.  It’s about damn time . . .

It’s Not Over Yet . ..

With the taste of Scott’s Wolf Tongue still fresh on her lips, and a surprise offer to be the only girl on the male lacrosse team in her hot little fingers, Kira finally finds the courage to tell her parents, in no uncertain terms, that she is not moving back to NYC .  . .

broken

not leaving

“Last I checked, I’m still a series regular on this show!”

In other Girl Power news, Malia learns that the way to Stiles’ heart is not through his stomach . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . or, even through his mouth. . .

ep 6 stiles face aprilroxx

. . . rather, it’s by establishing shared interest in color-coding Mysteries of the World . . .

colored strings

red unsolved

nom nom highlighter

stalia mac

(And the fact that she’s established romantic rival Lydia, as a gibberish writing nutjob certainly doesn’t hurt . . .)

(Note: If you recall, the notes in Lydia’s notebook are a near perfect match to the ones that popped up on Mouthless Morty’s computer, when he was doing that creepy neck blood transfusion thing, earlier in the episode . . .)

nodding oh yeah

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

After a quick warning from Lydia, Scott quickly learns that adorable Sean is a two-eyed, two-rows-of-teeth, nice abs, people eater, whose already devoured a deputy, and now has his sights on Scott’s mom.

red eye scott

It’s ALPHA TIME!

bigger bubble

Time to pop those bubbles again!

Scott arrives on the scene, just in time to prevent his mom from becoming Wendigo Chow, when dumb Liam hobbles out of his room to investigate some mysterious roaring sounds . . .

bad idea

“Gee, sounds like murder.  I’m unarmed and crippled!  Let’s go investigate!”

OK, Scott.  It’s time to do your hero thing, again.  But this time . . . try not to further injure your fresh meat.  OK?

threat

“I’ll get you little hunky, and your role as Jackson’s and Isaac’s replacement on this show too!”

help

“No way dude!  You’ve already been through puberty!  Much too old.  Don’t worry mini Jackson.  I’ll save you!”

chomp

“Gnom, gnom, gnom . . . tastes like illegal hottie!”

sploog

“Sploog!”

waiting

“Got your back, Alpha!  Give me a call if you ever need another strong and silent type in your pack.”

bit me

“Great!  Now, I’m one legged and one armed.  Thanks a lot, Scott!”

bad scott

So, much for that . . .

When Scott, finds his future boy Friday, Liam dangling from the hospital roof, he gets an unexpected helping hand from Morty Mouthless,who dispatches the last member of the Wendigo family with aplomb, but not before Scott has innocently buried his teeth in little Liam’s wrist, dooming him to a hairy future, where he’ll be forced to shave about two years earlier than he would have as a human . . .

shhhh

pretty-little-liars-poster_398x476

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them doesn’t have a mouth . . .

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

 Foreplay?

And whatever this all is   .  .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

torn up derek 2

Before?

baby der

After?

Oh Derek!  You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead!  Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.

enjoy suffer

gives me joy

In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .

derek dream 1

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

ep 5 doing the pullups delenasalva21

. . . to being . . .

sleeping der bear

. . . tortured and emasculated .  . .

red eye der

ep 6 alpha

. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .

awesome der muscle

. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .

im the alpha

alpha now

. . .  outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .

evil jenny

ep 8 hungry kate

. . . your psychotic uncle . . .

lit your fire

. . . the local veterinarian . . .

cryptic vet

. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .

darach

deucalieyes

smirking gerard

. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .

no idea what im doing

(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear.  It could be much, much worse.  You could be . . . Boyd.)

boyd knows

Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .

blue eye der

. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths .  . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.

ephemeral

When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?

nodding oh yeah

But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .

derek sort of

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him.  Because, really, that’s just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]

Bring It On 8 – In it to win it chew your face off

Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .

 

wiggle gif

cheerocracy

But, alas, this is not that universe.  In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .

but it hurts

“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

ep 8 more shower scott 2

“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”

make it go away

calcon

“Calgon, take me away!”

While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .

The Potty’s Over

Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?

bathroom at same time

Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes.  And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.

gross bathroom

toilet paper

gameovertoiletBig

Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .

smells fishy

Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business.  But not this guy.  This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.

come out come out

“Is it because you ate the bean burrito?  I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”

let me poo in peace

“Bean burrito this, asshole!”

And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent.  (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)

die sucker

Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands.  (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)

I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?

eww gross

tells me

LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”

KIRA:  “Wow, you’re good!”

Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going .  . .

Adventures in Wolf-Sitting

When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.

found him

Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

looks young

“Fresh meat!”

While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.

lydia smirk

“Fresh meat!”

Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before.  Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.

And why not?  Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .

ep 5 not watching notebook again

Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right?  The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .

cutting

snip slap

doctor-bot-operation

Then again, maybe not.

You know what this means.  Mini-Hulk?  Smash!

we are your friends

“You can trust us!  We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”

stop slicing me

“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”

awww that hurt

It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .

Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.

check out wolf hickey

“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”

Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.

blue balls

During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia.  Little Spoon, eh?  Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?

always little

little spoon

“Fork me?”

Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons.  They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Speaking of licking things.  Malia, repeat after me.  “Highlighters are NOT food.”

nom nom highlighter

“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”

During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.  Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop.  Ruh Roh!

going to die

Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .

It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode.  Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!

welcome to the old apartment

“Oh look.  Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”

This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having.  Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble.  At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet  . . .

ep 11 the lick

Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .

Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.  There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact.  Then again, I guess that’s the point.   Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

chick flicks baby der

“Like a virgin.   Touched for the very first time . . . again.”

“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers!  Let that be a lesson to you!

Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.  You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense).  Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.

this hunk

Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.

whoare you

“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”

Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.

its not what it looks like

“Have fun, kids.  Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”

Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.

trademark scott face

I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.

derek sort of

But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24th birthday.)

think matt is evil

What would YOU do Wolfbangers?

For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

hi stiles

Hooray!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..

destroyer of worlds

Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?

balam

Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?

draco malfoy facepalm

I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?

sexing

artschool sexy time

Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

The Return of Cousin Miguel

So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?

ep 9 derek stiles

wall smash

Always the Little Spoon . . .

Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?

ep 9 more taking off shirt rachiebeberz

Good times!

And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!

mischeivous stiles

This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.

cousin mig from mex

And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?

la loba tell

Who knew the guy,  who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .

(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)

kiddy kisses

 

mack 2

mackin (1)

In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell.  And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts.  “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right?  Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire?  He inquires benignly.

como se

“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”

Rats!  Foiled again, Scooby Gang.  I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .

big sterek 2

Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Romancing the Tryskelion

They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .

always been the alpha

Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!

After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1.  (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.

foiled

“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.

According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this  . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!

hockey puck toy

Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .

Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

open ses

“Open Sesame!”

place to makeout

“Hey!  Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend!  Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom.  Ooh, I’m sorry.  Too soon?”

Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon.  And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.

save you

Taking off the Training Wheels

The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument.  Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power.  It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .

lucky charms guy

“It’s magically delicious!”

Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion.  Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it.  Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card.  The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!

5 derek 5

And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.

sucka

“Suckaaaa!”

arrh

As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well.  I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy.  Or did she?

coy kate

Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone   . .  .

Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers

Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess.  The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends.   Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired.  This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here?  Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.

mama bear

Papa Bear

mama bear

Mama Bear

bear in supermarket

Baby Bear

That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?

Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang.  And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go.  Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .

bab head massagee swordplay wantmore

“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”

But worry not, Werebangers.   Baby Derek is here to save the day!

figh t off ompress

Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.

rage rage again

He’s baaaaaaack!

This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years .  . .

I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .

yellow eyes

(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)

Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.

It All Comes Down to the Money

In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.

stole my money

(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)

Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far.  Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault.  It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.

carebear stareee

“Berserkers STARE!”

From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!

And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes .  . .

hiya

“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

OK.  Now, I’m legitimately freaked out.  (That poor pussy . . . cat.)

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Change or Die – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 Premiere “The Dark Moon”

Sort of

Source

 

Hey there, Werebangers! It’s summer time. It’s hot. School is out. We are just a few days shy of America’s Independence Day! What better time to check back in with our favorite assorted supernatural thingys and “boy normals” of Beacon Hills?

dancing stiles moon

There comes a time in every successful television series’ life, when it becomes faced with the inevitable question: Change . . .

always been the alpha

im the alpha

alpha now

. . . or Die?

 

cant kill me big

omg dead

Now, if it were up to the producers of these series, this point would never come. Good shows would stay forever the same. And why not? The Same is what made their series a hit in the first place. The Same is what got them this far . . . past the thousands of series like them that never made it past their first season . . . past the Curse of the Sophomore Slump. The Same is Good. Isn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

But then, usually around the series’ first or second season, THINGS start to happen . . . THINGS that kick The Same in the ass, and watch it to see how it responds. Cast members age . . . they leave the series . . showrunners abandon ship . .. . characters break the rules that made their season 1 selves who they are, and, eventually THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

ep 12 pop cult noooooooo scott

For Teen Wolf, the show that, in and of itself, can be described as one Big Ole Metaphor for Puberty, The Revolt against Same came a bit early. Scott and Stiles weren’t set to graduate for at least another year. And a good writer could make that year last about three seasons . . . or until one of their “high school” characters starts to look like Andrea Zuckerman from Beverly Hills 90210 . . .

undressed with mind

But then came the Mass Exodus. Jackson, Erica, Cora, The Twins, Isaac, Allison. They all jumped ship within a relative short amount of time. Scott suddenly found himself without a love interest, a frenemy, and a surrogate brother. And Stiles, well, it seemed like every woman his lips touched was destined to disappear . . .

batman catwoman

kissed stiles

make out stora

mackin

And so Jeff Davis found himself faced with the question every showrunner dreads: Change or Die?

gives me joy

So, he decided to Change . . .Here’s how he did it . . .

enjoy the show

[As always, special thanks to my main man Andre, who screencaps like a maverick, and comments like a Pulitzer Prize winner in the making.  Welcome back, my friend.]

Como se dice “screwed” en espanol?

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of ideal teen destination vacations in Mexico, I generally think of places like Cancun, Tijuana, Cozumel, Cabo San Lucas, Playa del Carmen . . . sunny beachy party spots, accentuated with a continuous soundtrack of techno music with a loud thumping base, and all the watered down booze you can drink . . . where everyone around you is ridiculously thin, young and tan, and no one is sober.

I don’t picture a weirdly orange-tinted town that looks like the set design for the opening market scene in a high school production of Disney’s Aladdin. And yet, that’s precisely where we find our favorite not-so-much couple (damn you, Interloper Malia)Stiles and Lydia in the first few moments of Teen Wolf’s Season 4 premiere.

town of mexico

stydia in town

“I see Old, Pale and Fat People . . . Stiles, I don’t think we’re in Beacon Hills, anymore.”

Then again, the Teen Wolf gang aren’t exactly your average teenagers. They are werewolves . . . kitsune . . . banshee . . . survivors of Nogitsune possession . . .

bad stiles more

. . . girls who spent all of puberty licking themselves clean in a cave, relieving themselves in bushes, snacking on the legs of dead rabbits, and avoiding traps set for them by their homicidal father . . . who, despite all this, seem remarkably well-adjusted and verbal, apart from the occasional desire to cannibalize her friends . . .

yumm

hungry

And they aren’t here for fun and games. They are here to rescue one of their own . . . their erstwhile leader . . . a mid twenty something guy , who would prefer nothing more than to party with 17-year olds, despite the fact that he’s legitimately old enough to get into actual bars and buy himself beer without a fake ID, view porn on the internet, by punching in his real birthdate, and even rent a car.

internet derek 2

sexy derek face

In short, he’s Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused.

. . . but much broodier, and slightly less high.

crazy derek

Every self-respecting Scooby Crew has one. And Scott and co. want theirs back, safe and sound . . . in his creepy unfurnished apartment, where half the main cast has died . . .

boyd wolf

Sorry Boyd.

So, like the true BAMF that he is, Stiles strolls up to the doorway of a secret, midday, siesta/ fiesta, flashes a tarot card to the surveillance camera .  . .

check out my card

“Whose up for a game of Dungeons and Dragons?”

 .. .  and cruises into   . . . a Girls Gone Wild video?

this is more like it

girls and boys gone wild

grindage

What show am I watching again?

Things begin to become a bit more clear, when Lydia drops a golden bullet into a freely proffered tequila-filled shot glass. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . . who knows in whom that bullet has been?

can i get you drunk

dirty drink

“Actually, we have a pretty good idea who got penetrated by this particular bullet.”

derek body

Kind of jealous of the bullet right now . . . not going to lie.

The proverbial gauntlet has been thrown, and Stiles and Lydia are immediately taken to a back room to negotiate with . . . that middle-aged Mexican lady who randomly appeared in a few episodes last season.

pain is fun

“Because the disappearance of Gerard left an opening for a Token Geriatric.”

negotiations

But Stiles and Lydia have not arrived at this party empty-handed. They’ve come with cash . . . lots and lots of cash, $50,000 to be exact. (That’s a lot of dough! I wonder how many ancient, highly impractical weapons Papa Argent had to pawn to come up with that kind of cash.)

argent door

“Now my swords are all I have left . . .”

“Give us Derek Hale, and you’ll have enough cash to buy your creepy, poorly located night club a snazzy disco ball to hang from the ceiling,” Lydia challenges . . . more or less.

will kill a banshee

That’s when the guns come out.

lyd screams

Ruh roh!

Time to call in the reinforcements!

Unfortunately, James Franco’s character from Spring Breakers wasn’t available. So, they had to settle for these guys . . .

ola

“Hola!”

aqui esta

“Estoy aqui!”

donde esta el bano

“Uhh . . . donde esta el bano?”

Cue the opening credits . . .

You Got Tazed!

In our obligatory homoerotic portion of the episode, Malia and Kira attempt to “blend into the crowd,” by casually dry humping one another on the dance floor.

humping coyotes

more humping coyotes

(Because everyone knows coyotes and foxes are absolute experts when it comes to homoerotic dry humping.)

Unfortunately, this interlude of hot animal loving is interrupted by the people with guns trying to beat down the Scooby Gang for crashing their party and offering to pay them $50,000 just for the opportunity to attend. The nerve!

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Have no fear, Wolfbangers! Kira is prepared for a fight. She has . . . nunchuck glowsticks?

more chuck

glow stick two

It looks like someone’s been spending too much time with the Ninja Turtles .   . .

Malia’s fighting tactics are a bit more . . . direct.

toss

Then, of course, everybody has to go and get themselves gassed, which ruins everything. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, raves are naughty.

gas

Smells a little like farts in here . . .”

And since white gas doesn’t seem to be enough to bring down our Alpha, Mr. Scott . . . meet Mr. Tazer!

tazed

electrifying

It’s Potty Time!

Scott and co, regain consciousness in a seriously gross bathroom . . . the kind of bathroom you only use, if you ever find yourself on a deserted highway, about fifty miles from the next rest stop, and having just drank an entire 2-liter bottle of Coke Zero. Even then, upon getting the looks of this place, you may ultimately opt for a quick squat in the bushes instead.

gross bathroom

“If I were you, I wouldn’t be laying down.”

But wait. Someone’s missing! Where’s the banshee?

lyd back

“Lydia’s gone? Is she hurt, wounded, suffering from a really bad hair day? Let’s gnaw off her leg with our teeth, like it’s a drumstick,” posits everyone’s favorite wilderness girl.

lets leave that bitch

Oh Malia! Your rapidly changing coyote ways are adorable! Remember that time when you accidentally murdered your baby sister, and then proceeded to visit the scene of the crime every night for eight years, carrying the doll she loved most, while she was living, to pay your canine respects?

why am i naked

No? That’s OK! Because cannibalism is a much more endearing character trait.

eat her

Plus, Its Lydia. And let’s face it. As far as superhero powers go, hers so far, is pretty much lamest ever.

floating feather

(Make that the second lamest . . .)

Take for example her flashback attempt to find Derek by touching the bullets that may have penetrated his man parts. “He’s not dead . . . but he’s not alive,” Lydia offers helpfully.

feel like bullet

“Feels like bullets.”

Genius! Good thing Scott was there with his heretofore nonexistent ability to determine that Derek is in Mexico, just because the bullets that hit him just so happened to have pictures of skulls on them! Now THAT’S impressive!

totally mexico

By the way,  doesn’t putting your Gang Calling Card on the BULLETS YOU USE TO KILL PEOPLE make you the dumbest crime family ever?

Next we see Lydia with Mexican Mommy in the town square. “Hey Lydia,” says Mommy. “Tell me which of my guards is about to die.”

read the tea

“Feeling kind of sick.  Montezumas Revenge?”

Lydia considers this for a moment. “Hmmm . . . I’m not sure. Perhaps, it’s the one into whose carotid artery you just tossed a knife.”

that one is going to die

“I got it!  It’s the guy falling down dead!  He’s the one that’s about to die!  Best Banshee Ever!”

Very good! Then again, I probably could have figured that out, and I’m not a banshee. I’m not even Irish . . .

Electro-Shock Therapy

So, basically, these Calavares Mexican Hunter folks have this rather rude habit of tying up members of the Teen Wolf cast, and shocking them with electricity, in hopes that it will force the werewolves to provide information they aren’t aware they have.

brain games

no me gusta fun

“No me gusta.”

To me, it seems like a kind of odd interrogation tactic. Since having volts of electricity frying your brain at regular intervals seems like it would make seemingly unimportant things that happened during Season 1 of Teen Wolf more difficult to remember, not less.

ephemeral

Nonetheless, Mexican Mommy forces Kira to repeatedly shock Scott, while she continuously screams at him to tell him where Derek is . . .

pain is fun

Derek, the same guy the Scooby Gang went to the Calavares’ trying to find.

yet another scott face

Color me confused. Hey Mexican Mommy! There are easier ways to do this. Perhaps, you can try letting Scott fondle your bullets. That’s how he figured out you were in Mexico. (Then again, maybe your accent gave it away.)

Meanwhile, still stuck in the grimy bathroom, Malia pretends not to be able to hear Scott screaming from electric shock in the room right next door, as an excuse to suck face with Stiles . . . not that I blame her . . . at least not entirely.   If it were me, I suspect I would have been a bit more blunt in my execution. “Hey Stiles, I think I may have left my werecoyote super hearing in the back of your throat.   Would you mind terribly if I extracted it with my tongue?”

nope cant hear anything

“Nope .  . . can’t hear anything.  Just the sound of flushing toilets.”

concentrate

“You can do this, Malia.  You can do anything.  Like the time you figured out how to have human sex, despite having spent the last eight years humping trees.”

malia kisses

so much better

Glowing blue eyes = were coyote lady boner

Hey, speaking of which, remember that time Lydia kissed Stiles to cure his panic attack?

Yeah, this was so much less epic than that . . .

Sorry . . . not sorry.

Back in Torture Town, Scott finally Alphas out and figures out what the rest of us learned back in the Season Finale, namely that Kate Argent, that evil wench whose been relegated to hosting that darn Wolf Watch after show all year, became a were – SOMETHING WITH BLUE FACE, back when Peter clawed her up back in Season 1, and, for reasons not yet apparent, kidnapped Derek and took him to good ole Mexico.

lightbulb-idea

trademark scott face

Hey, maybe shock therapy is an effective memory device after all!

La Loba Esta en La Iglesia

So, it turns out Mexican Mommy knew where Derek and Kate were all along! She was just torturing Scott and co. for sh*ts and giggles . . .oh, and possibly to see whether Scott’s True Alpha form was a cool scary gorilla thing like Peter’s . . .

ep 6 alpha

. . . or an angry kid, who forgot to activate the red eye reduction on his camera like Derek . . .

derek alpha

*shrugs*

Better luck next time, Scott! On the bright side, at least you don’t have to wear those ridiculous ears and sideburns anymore . . .

wolf facewolf face

Mexican Mommy offers Scott and Co. the help of a familiar face in tracking down Derek and Kate.

braeden entrance

Welcome back, Bad Ass Braedan!

braeden

On the way to the place where Kate was last seen, the Scooby crew pass the time, by helpfully summarizing the series’ first season for new fans . . . and Malia and Kira.

road trip a

“I love road trips!  Hey, mind if I stick my head out the window, while we drive?”

Remember when Kate set fire to the Hale house, killing the entire Hale family . . . except Derek . . . and Peter . . . and Cora . . . and Laura, who died at Peter’s hand later . . .?

recap

Correction: remember when Kate set fire to the Hale House and pretty much only killed Derek’s mother, and maybe an uncle or two who we never met?

Then Peter went on a murderous Alpha rampage, turning Scott into a werewolf, and murdering Kate . . . or so we thought?

cut me

What actually happened, was that the Calavares extracted Kate from her box in the morgue, and brought her all the way across the border to their magical mystical Mexico bathroom, so she could off herself, without suffering the ignominy of turning into the big bad in Season 4 of Teen Wolf.

not dead kate

“Looks pale, needs a manicure . . . lets take her south of the border!”

And that plan was a big fat failure . . .

wakey wakey

So, how does Scott know this? I guess we are supposed to assume that Mexican Mommy told him off screen. Either that, or electro shock therapy is so amazing, it helps you to remember even events for which you weren’t present.

We interrupt this trip down retconned memory lane to bring you a CLAW IN STILES’ JEEP.

love my jeep

this the problem

Since Braeden’s motorcycle is unfortunately only large enough to seat two asses, Stiles and Scott agree that the Alpha Wolf should be the one to enter the abandoned church.  Makes sense.   After all, Stiles’ days as a mass murdering Japanese fox spirit probably wouldn’t sit too well with the local bible thumpers . . .

watching death

death 2

death 1

Plus, Stiles loves his Jeep, just a teensy bit more than he loves Scott . . .

And so our stalwart Scooby Gang break Rule 1 of Every Horror Movie Ever by Splitting Up in the Abandoned Desert After the Car Mysteriously Breaks Down.

still rated pg

“It’s too bad our relationship is still PG, otherwise I would be dry humping you so hard right now.”

“CHUMPS!” Yells out the now-deceased casts of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Reeker, Wrong Turn, Vacancy, etc.

time to die in wilderness

“This may be the worst idea we’ve ever had.  And we’ve had some really crappy ideas.”

Things go slightly better for Stiles And Friends, who have the benefit of being the main characters in a television series. Because, clearly if this was a two-hour movie on Lifetime, they’d all be goners . . .

going to die

. . . except Lydia.   Girlfriend, just has one of those “I survived a horror movie, despite being the one in my group with the least survival skills” faces.

lydia smirk

The worst thing that happens is Malia wolf’s coyotes out, and dashes off in search of a potential predator, causing Stiles to fear that she’ll suffer the same fate of every other non-red haired character who had the bad luck of almost hooking up with Stiles , only to never be seen again . . .

coyote

Either that or she’ll go back to coyote life, gnawing on rabbits legs, and imagining they are her weak and wounded friends, after a particularly poor hunting season . . .

Buuuuuuut, then Malia comes back . . . which is great . . . or lame, depending on where you fall on the Love Malia / Hate Malia spectrum. That’s one controversial coyote!

never leave

When Stiles calls Malia out on her “cut and run” attitude, the former cave girl promises the former Nogitsune host that she would never abandon him. As for Lydia and Kira, well, that’s another matter entirely.  So, in conclusion, if Stiles is injured or in danger, Malia will come to his rescue and stay by his side, for as long as it takes him to heal. If Lydia or Kira are injured or in danger, Malia will . . . possibly eat them.

jaws of death

Clearly, hos before bros is not a concept well known amongst the coyote community in Beacon Hills . . .

In which Tyler Hoechlin gets re-cast ?

You know those TV shows where they suddenly recast one of the main characters, and you, as the viewer, have to try really hard not to think about the fact that the person you’ve been watching on your screen for weeks, suddenly changed their face, and none of their friends or family seemed to notice?

That’s not what happened here . . .

Instead, after Braeden and Scott enter the Creepy Temple Covering an Aztec Burial Ground for Were Jaguars, and narrowly escape getting eaten alive by massive skeletony things, thanks to Scott’s roar . . .

iglesia

bear thng

roar

. . . they find Derek . . . from about ten years ago . . .

found him

“Peekaboo.  I see you!”

. . . the Derek from flashbacks . . . the one who is actually the same age as all his current friends.

derek sort of

A church that can turn back time . . . while you sleep!

sleeping der bear

Cool! I’ll have what he’s having!

And that was the Teen Wolf Season Premiere. And it was definitely different. Whether that change was for better or worse, remains to be seen. But I’m intrigued enough to go along for the ride. How about you?

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .corpses, lots and lots of corpses. I hope Malia is hungry!

Until next time, Werebangers!

more dancing stiles

[Hey!   I published a new book.  It’s called Me and You, Inc.   Curious?  Click here.]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Naughty or Nice? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Fifty Shades of Grayson”

arg

A Very Merry Christmas from your friends at Augustine!

Seasons Greetings, Fangbangers!  In this month of fat men slithering down small chimneys and giving you presents, while stealing your cookies and milk . . . a time when elves (I believe the appropriate term now is “little people”), work tirelessly, without the benefit of vacation time or a health care plan, to build Little Janey her iPad or Kindle Fire, much discussion will inevitably be had over the concept of “Naughty or Nice.”

so naughty

Were you a good girl or boy, this year?

bad girls

How exactly is something like that measured?  Does “Santa” take an average of all of our deeds, and draw up some complex mathematical computation, where the difference between good or evil is merely a hundredth of a decimal point?  Is it merely enough that you’ve been well behaved, this week?   This month?  That even if you’ve been naughty in the past, you promised to do better next time, and really meant it?

4 good bad pick

Or are there actions in this world that are considered to be so evil, that they will land us irredeemably on the Naughty List for life, no matter how hard we try to repent?

3 15 better at bad

Vampire series (and, really, shows starring antiheroes as the main protagonist, in general) grapple with this issue all the time.  How far can a writer push the misdeeds of her main character, before fans find themselves simply unable to empathize with him or her?  Let’s see, over the course of TVD’s five season history, we’ve seen . . .

Damon murder Jeremy, because Elena rejected his romantic advances . . .

damon dont judge

Katherine feed Jeremy to Silas, just so that she could steal the cure to immortality and use it as a bargaining tool with Klaus.  (Poor Jeremy, are we noticing a pattern here?)

dead jer 2

We’ve seen Klaus murder an entire line of hybrids he, himself, sired, stake his siblings countless times just because they were kind of mean to him, kill Useless Aunt Jenna, Tyler’s mom, and that annoying female werewolf whose name I no longer remember . . .

santa klaus

And we’ve watched Stefan eat his own father and murder thousands of innocent humans as the Ripper of Monterrey.

2 22 bloody stefan

And yet, season after season, we forgive these monstrous vampires.  We invite them into our homes.  (A very bad idea, as vampire lore will tell you.)  We root for them to fall in love, get the girl, vanquish their enemies, and live Happily Ever After.

damon eternal stud

But if these were our real family and friends, could we be so forgiving?  If those were our relatives who they bludgeoned?  Our lovers who they remorselessly slew?

forgive me big

forgive me

Maybe . . . but probably not.

life sucks get a helmet

“Fifty Shades of Grayson” delves into that concept wholeheartedly . . . the idea of being completely and utterly beyond redemption.  And by the end of the episode, some of our favorite characters find themselves stuck on the much-despised Naughty List (Do not Pass Go.  Do not collect a MacBook Air.) possibly for . . .  ALL ETERNITY.

big bad vampire out here

Let’s review, shall we?

Damon . . . SMASH!

True story.  When I was about 9 years old, I was cast as the Wicked Queen in my day camp production of Snow White.  During the scene where (SPOILER ALERT), the Queen learns from her Magic Mirror that the Huntsman didn’t really kill Snow White, and her Highness is still not the prettiest girl at the party, I had to say the line, “I’ve been cheated!”

queen grr

In our first rehearsal, I lent all my energy to this single line.  I stamped my foot.  I clenched my fist.  I scrunched up my face like I was constipated.  I jumped up and down like a raving loony.

The whole cast cracked up laughing.  The problem, of course, was that it wasn’t supposed to be a funny scene.  “The Wicked Queen wouldn’t act like that,” my Drama Teacher lectured me.  “She’s mature, dignified, and cunning.  She’s . . .”

Well . . . she’s Regina from Once Upon a Time, basically.

evil queen 2

But try as I might, I just couldn’t say the line “I’ve been cheated,” without sounding like a nine-year old who just had her Barbie doll taken away from her, because that’s what I was!  Eventually, the Drama Teacher gave up on me entirely.  So, on the day of the performance, I huffed, and I puffed, and I stamped, and I screamed, and I gave the temper tantrumiest “I”VE BEEN CHEATED,” of my VERY, VERY short-lived acting career.

(The next summer, in our camp production of Grease, I was given the role of the school custodian.  I stood in the back of two scenes with a mop.  I had no lines.  Not sure why . . . )

stefan shrug

So, why am I telling you this?  Because that’s what Damon reminds me of, whenever he gets angry and starts taking out his aggression on harmless pieces of furniture . . . You guys all remember the Soap Dish Incident, right?

soap dish smash

“I’VE BEEN CHEATED!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not denigrating Ian Somerhalder’s acting in any way.  Crazy Temper Tantrum Damon is super hot, while still being kind of hilarious!  And my Drama Teacher was totally off base about my interpretation of the Wicked Queen .  . . just saying.

And that’s precisely where we find Damon in the cold open of “Fifty Shades of Grayson,” hulking out on his poor defenseless Augustine Vampire cage . . .

smash 2

Eventually, he manages to break a piece of rock off the wall.  He uses that rock to “chisel,” Aaron’s forgotten vampire bullet from the previous episode into the lock on his cage door, busting it open . . .

ian says awesome

The idea is so clever in its simplicity that it kind of makes you wonder why neither Damon nor Enzo bothered to think of it at any time during the many, many, many nights they sat together in their cell with nothing to do but await their daily dose of torture and STARE AT WALLS.  I mean, think about it, we saw two Escape from Alcatraz Augustine plans in action here.  The first one involved HANGING OUT FOR A YEAR, and then being faced with hundreds of party people, any of whom could possibly kill you dead (or light you on fire), as you tried to escape.  The second one involved, five minutes of wall punching that might hurt your fingers a little bit . . .

Which would YOU choose?

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

Anywhoo . . . Damon escapes Chez Augustine with both his humanity and his pretty face still refreshingly intact.  Huzzah!

The Morning After Bitter Pill

I’m not going to lie.  Katherine’s post coital wake up scene may very well have been my favorite one of the entire episode, which is odd considering it was also probably the least tangential to the ongoing plot.

haha i got laid

Source

There’s a scene in Bridget Jones Diary where Bridget wakes up after a night of earth shatteringly brilliant sex with Darcy, only to be faced with the harsh reality, that being in a real relationship means that your boyfriend will eventually have to see what you look like in the morning naked . . . There she is staring at herself in the mirror, as she really is . . . without all the makeup, the hair product, the perfume, the cute clothes, and the spanx to hide her “wobbly bits” . . . without the benefit of a liquor-induced haze, or the moonlight, or the passion that drives us human animals to screw first, and think later.   She sees her image, and is terrified that when Darcy sees the Real Her, he’ll fall instantly out of love.

Bridget_Reunited_350-01

We’ve all experienced this type of insecurity at one time or another.  But Katherine Pierce never had.  She always had the perfect figure, was disarmingly sexy, perpetually youthful, in stellar shape, and the object of every man’s desire.  And on the rare occasion when a man she coveted didn’t willingly throw himself into her bed, Katherine had the power to snatch his free will and make him do it, anyway.

the kat monster

For the first time in 500-some odd years, Katherine is finding herself in the rest of our shoes.  She wakes up in the morning next to Stefan Salvatore and is positively thrilled with her good fortune, that someone like him, a vampire, young, strong, hard in every sense of the word, would want HER, a mere human.  But all that happiness comes crashing down, when she finds a grey hair on her pillow.  Suddenly, she’s Bridget Jones . . . petrified that Stefan will see her in her grey-haired vulnerability, and discard her, not because she’s selfish, manipulative, and kind of evil (That, she could handle.), but because she’s OLD!

find grey hair

run and tumblr

Source

Cue the usually graceful Katherine merely falling over herself, as she drapes herself in a comforter, and tumbles out of the room, like a child dressed up as a ghost for Halloween . . .

got a rock

It’s little moments like these that remind me why I first fell in love with this show . . .

At the door, Damon runs into the fleeing Katherine, and feigns nausea over the fact that she just boned his brother.  But we all know Damon would (and has) totally hit that . . .

flirt with damon

The Bride of Damon-stein

Speaking of girls who look like Nina Dobrev, Elena’s morning after is far more bitter and far less sweet than Katherine’s.   She awakens strapped to a gurney to find Dr. Death, draining all the blood out of her body while babbling on about it into that annoying dictaphone of his.

conscious

what are you

Source

You know as Big Bads, the Augustine Folks were pretty decent . . . locking up vampires . . . torturing them  . . . turning them on one another as weapons of mass destruction?  Scary.

ahhh

But as Mad Scientists?  These guys kind of suck . . .

4 8 lame

Before Elena passes out again, Dr. Death proudly informs her that he’s been performing the exact same experiments on her that her father performed on vampires, back when she was a little girl, and that Dr. Whitmore performed on Damon back in the 50’s.  70 years of experimentation . . . and they are still repeating the exact same experiments over and over and over again.

Damon eye roll

Take blood from a vampire, see how long it takes for them to pass out . . . OOOH!

bloody rib

Electrocute a vampire, see how loud he screams . . . AAAH!

3 4 stef tort

Cut a vampire, watch that vampire heal . . . YAY!

3 3 sun torture

And all of this to discover what teenyboppers who read Twilight figured out on page 10.  Vampire blood can heal human ailments . . . pretty much all of them.

it healed

In other words, Augustine is basically the scientific equivalent of a cat chasing its tail, and a hamster running on that infernal wheel . . . mental midgets with mean streaks, wearing lab coats.

baby%20doctor

No wonder Damon wanted to fry all their asses . . .

wake up kill you

But poor Elena!  Her gene pool just keeps getting murkier and murkier, doesn’t it?  Now, it seems like her Adoptive Father (actual Uncle?) may have sucked as a human being just as badly as her actual father did . . . torturing vampires in a basement for years, all in the name of pseudo science.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if, by Season 8, we learned that Elena is somehow related to Hitler too . . .

In which Katherine Pierce endures the HORRORS of exercise . . .

Speaking of mean people distantly related to Elena, Katherine has decided that the cure to sickness and inevitable death is not medicine or science, but drinking Kale and exercising!  (Since when did Katherine Pierce become a Scientologist?)

do you see this

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Once again, Katherine’s mortality brings a refreshing dose of comedy to the hour, as Personal Trainer Matt wryly (but politely, as always) gets personal pleasure out of Katherine’s workout pain and general lack of physical fitness.  To add insult to injury, Matt even calls Katherine’s “long lost” daughter, i.e. the person responsible for getting Matt temporarily possessed by the dude who sounded like the bad guy from Rocky and Bullwinkle to slap Mommy Dearest around a bit for trying to kill herself, without even bothering to send her baby vampire girl a Hallmark card.

you killed me

But fear not, Doppelganger Lovers!  Mini-Katherine has a plan!  If Katherine’s own body is dying, why not simply “borrow” someone else’s?  It worked for Rocky and Bullwinkle Villain guy, right?  I mean, he lasted an entire two extra episodes before someone killed him again, didn’t he?

gregor

This sounds like a truly excellent, fail safe plan, right?

shakes head

Katherine’s not quite buying into the possession idea, either.  She likes looking like Nina Dobrev, dammit!   Even if it’s “old” Nina Dobrev with a bit of grey food coloring in her hair!  And if the choice is between (1) dying a horrible painful death, and (2) living, but looking slightly less attractive while doing it, we all know which option Katherine’s going to choose.

im a survivor

 . . . but only if survival = looking pretty and f*&king Stefan . . .

Besides, Katherine just started boning Stefan again!  She’s not going to let a little thing like her impending demise keep her from getting a few more rides on that Wild Stallion .  . . No sir.

“Nice knowing you, Mini-Me,” Katherine says,  more or less.  “See you in Hell!”

the kat always look out for myself  petrova-gifs

Hostage Aaron Hangs with Hungry Vampires . . . Hilarity Ensues

Having left baby bro Stefan in the dark for 70 years about the whole “Augustine” thing, Damon is forced to be a bit cagey with his brother regarding the missing Elena’s whereabouts.  Fortunately for Damon, Stefan and his hero hair are always suckers for a damsel in distress, and are willing to come along for the ride with pretty much no questions asked.

my hero

You know how I know Aaron is going to fit in just fine on this show?  Because literally a few hours ago, the character learned that he (1) comes from a long line of vampire torturing mad scientists; (2) that a vampire has been systematically killing everyone related to him; and (3) that pretty much all the friends he met at college are either vampires or were murdered by vampires (sometimes both).  He also just shot a vampire, who he presumed to be dead.  That’s a lot of information for any normal human being to absorb.  And yet, when Damon and Stefan find Aaron he’s . . . chilling out listening to some tunes and reading his Chemistry textbook, like its just another boring day on campus.

hanging with dam

“Um, do you think you could wait about two minutes before you kill me?  I was listening to a really good song.”

Even when it becomes pretty clear that Salvatore Squared are holding him hostage, so that Dr. Death will turn over Elena.  And they will very likely kill him whether Dr. Death complies with this request or not, Aaron just takes it all in stride.  “I thought I killed you.  Why aren’t you dead?”  Aaron asks boredly of the murderous vampire who he shot in the head with a bullet.

“You shot me in the head.  You should have aimed for the heart.  Aim for the heart, next time,” Damon scolds, playfully wacking his would-be murderer on the noggin.

smirky damon

Aaron just shrugs off his botched attempted murder of the guy who brutally savaged both his parents.  “Oops.”

I want to learn what kind of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medication this kid is on . . . and I want a prescription.

pills for depression

Dr. Death agrees to make a trade of Aaron for Elena in some abandoned classroom.  But when the threesome arrive there, they find no Dr. Death, and no Elena. (The trouble with having no personality and being emotionally vacant, Aaron, is that it makes people who supposedly love you kind of ambivalent about saving your life . . .)

encounter

The rendezvous is not a total bust, though.  At least it gives Damon the opportunity to “reconnect” with blast from the past, Enzo.

Enzo’s Ill-Conceived and Ultimately Ineffective Revenge

enzo that you

been awhile

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Good ole, Enzo!  When we last met him in flashback land, he was jolly, hopeful, and downright bromantic.  He loved Damon in the way a dude loves the only other dude he gets to speak to in 70 plus years, who isn’t repeatedly cutting him open on an operating table and electrocuting him for sh*ts and giggles.  He was also pretty darn easy on the eyes, as is the requirement of every male with a speaking part on this show . . .

sex enzy

Personally, I liked that the Enzo we met in present day, was a bit less charming, and a bit more unhinged.  Unlike his fellow guest star, Aaron, this guy is seriously PISSED OFF at the sucky hand he’s been dealt.  And it’s totally understandable.  I mean, who wouldn’t be a little wackadoodle after spending almost a century as a mad scientists life-sized version of the game Operation?

doctor-bot-operation

They have pretty much the same haircut.  But Enzo has much better abs . .  .

It’s Enzo who finally fills in both Stefan and Aaron into the specifics of Damon’s betrayal at the Augustine compound, while standing at the podium of the otherwise abandoned classroom, like a frustrated professor whose students just don’t give two craps about his lecture.   Poor Enzo!  He doesn’t realize he’s rehashing the exact same flashback we all saw last week on The Vampire Diaries.  Dr. Death should really considering getting ole Enzie a cable hookup in his cell.  Problems like this could be avoided.

in class

“This class sucks.  I’m totally dropping it next semester.”

Having given up on educating his “students,” Enzo dismisses both Stefan and Aaron to go back to Aaron’s dorm room in search of information that might be helpful in locating Elena.  Damon, however, is given detention!  No Save Elena Games for him!  Not today.  It’s time for the Elder Salvatore to accept his punishment for being such a sh*tty friend to a fellow hot person . . .

elena ahhh

You see, when Dr. Death set Enzo free, it was with a pretty significant catch.  He injected the vampire with a dessication agent.  So, Enzo was dying and could only get healthy if he returned to the compound to get the antidote.  And he could only get the antidote if he killed Damon.

Ruh-roh!

BabyScared

Sucks for you, Enzo!  Damon’s the main character on this show!  It looks like you’ve been set up for failure.  (See, a little TV viewing would have gone a long way in this instance.  Damon has just enough time to kindly inform Enzo he’s “just not that into him,” before the sexy broody vamp goes all stiff and veiny.

Elsewhere on Campus . . .

Aaron is having slightly better luck at weaseling his way into the heart of a Salvatore Brother.  When Stefan gets the idea, that Aaron has dishonestly lured the younger Salvatore Bro back to his dorm room, just to break free from his clutches, Stefan pulls the ole homoerotic Slam the Other Hot Boy Against the Wall trick that all the teen shows are trying these days.

wall slam

ep 9 wall slam bitten by salvatores

ep 12 wall slam stiles dad jackson

“Just kill me,” Aaron challenges.  “I’m basically already dead.  Damon has been murdering my whole family.  And, assuming I don’t have another long lost relative out there somewhere to carry on the Whitmore name, he’s probably going to kill me too.  So, do it first, and don’t give him the satisfaction.”

Clever boy, that Emotionally Empty Aaron!  He somehow intuited that Stefan Salvatore is a sucker for the pathetic and suicidal.  And that little piece of psychoanalytics ended up saving his life.  “We aren’t all like my brother,” Vampire Civil Rights Activist Stefan explained before removing his hands from around Aaron’s neck.

3 12 sad stefan stefan the hero

How very Season 1 of True Blood, Bill Compton, of him!

As it turns out, Aaron wasn’t lying about having information in his “diaries” that will save Elena.  And so Savior Stefan runs off to the evil lab to rescue his princess.

And just in time too (maybe).  You see, Dr. Death had just stabbed Elena with an elixir that would basically turn her into a Ripper for Vampire Blood, rendering her an instant danger to pretty much her entire Scooby Gang.  Elena then knocks Dr. Death unconscious, moments before Stefan saves her.  But as she leaves, she stupidly grabs her father’s medical diaries instead of the syringe itself, so we have no way of knowing whether she ingested enough of the vampire eating drug for it to have an impact on her.

draco malfoy facepalm

To add further insult to injury Enzo too, may or may not have been turned into a Ripper for Vamp Blood when Damon “rescued” him by stabbing him with every syringe in Dr. Death’s office, until one of them woke him up.  (You would think an anal retentive guy like Dr. Death would have a better labeling system for his vampire pharmaceuticals.

most important

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Life saved or no life saved, Enzo is still not quite ready to forgive and forget Damon’s humanity free abandonment of his ass back in the 50’s.  “You will always be a monster,” says the vampire who killed Elena’s adorable guest star roommate with glasses.

you are a monster

cookie-monster3-7769871237963363

Well, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a fanger?

In which Damon once again decides Elena is “too pure” for him (Shower, Rinse, Repeat) . . .

Here we go again . . . back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena excitedly tells Damon that, even though her father was a sadistic vampire torturer, he wasn’t so bad because, at least according to his diaries, he used vampire blood to save Elena’s roommate from immediate death, as a result of congenital heart failure.  (Instead, she suffered horrifically painful, eaten alive, and subsequently tossed out window death, by Enzo the Hungry Vampire, eight years later.  HOORAY!)

megan and dad

meg

(I kind of see a resemblance?  Same name too . . .)

Damon thinks Elena is being a pain in the ass Pollyanna, because she consistently sees the good in all people, even when they do things that make them irredeemably sh*tty.   And so for the 85,000 time since the series started, Damon dumps Elena “for her own good,” because “he’s a bad person, who is incapable of redemption,” and “he’s tired of her having to make excuses for him,” and “fate says she should be with Saint Stefan, blah de blah blah.”

stop defending

wont change

choosing to

OK, OK . . . now, I know I sound like I’m just being sour grapes, because I’m a Delena fan, and I’m pissed that the writers went and sank my ship.  But that’s not it, really!  You see, the thing is, I loved Damon’s “you’re too good for me” speech, back when he said it in Season 2, and compelled Elena to forget it shortly thereafter . . .

And when he said it again, at the end of Season 2, when he was dying and Elena was caring for him in what she truly believed would be his final hours on Earth. . .

Or in Season 4, where Elena FINALLY chooses Damon, not because of some creepy sire bond, but because she loves HIM, in spite of all the crappy things he said about himself just moments before she excitedly and romantically raped his face with her tongue . . .

I loved all of these scenes.  And I suspect I would have loved this one too, in spite its inherent sadness, in spite of it spelling the death knell for my ship, if I hadn’t seen it in its different (arguably better) iterations, at least three times before.

3 3 bored honour in

Yes, we get it, Damon is a “Bad Guy.”  He’s done “Bad Things.”  He believes himself to be “Bad for Elena,” despite the fact that he loves her wholeheartedly, and has, pretty much, since the middle of Season 1 of this series.  We know this.

3 11 delena not right now asheleyelizabeth1020

What I don’t understand is what is it about Damon’s recalling that he screwed over Enzo, of all the millions of bad things he’s done (and Stefan has done too, mind you) that made him decide to break things off with Elena, despite the fact that the plot dictated that it was “Stefan’s turn” to have her.  What did the season finale change fundamentally about Damon’s relationship with Elena?

no one tells me who i love

Nothing!  There’s no longer any sire bond.  Damon and Elena both currently have their humanity in tact.  Neither of them is dying, or racing for the cure, or running from Klaus.  So, basically, Damon dumped Elena because  . . . what?  He is tired of her justifying his bad behavior . . . just like she justified the bad behavior of her father . . . just like she justifies the bad behavior of Stefan and everyone else on this show . . . just like all the fans of this show (myself especially) do, every week?

nodding oh yeah

It just seems like a pretty crappy reason to break up with someone you supposedly love more than life itself.  But that’s just me . . .

damon soulful crying

But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh.  Maybe I should trust that the writers know what’s right for this ship . . . for these characters . . . for this show . . . in the long run . . .

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

no no on

Why the Dying Should NEVER Wear High Heels on Steep Staircases . . .

In other rejection news, despite her fantasies to the contrary, Katherine’s impending Date with Death is not enough to make Stefan forgive her for breaking his heart, pretty much ruining his relationship with his brother for 100 plus years, and being the series’ Big Bad for a Season and a half.  “I’m sorry you’re dying,” Stefan tells an increasingly grey-haired Katherine, as he holds her hand like it’s a consolation prize.

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Yikes.  Talk about “He’s just not that into you.”

When not even  IMPENDING DEATH garners you an ounce of sympathy from your crush, you just know wedding bells are out of the question.  And so Katherine decides that a little body swapping might not be such a bad idea . . .  She calls her Mini-Me to tell her the good news.

Annnnnnnnnnd then she has a heart attack (?) and tumbles down the steps . . .

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Here’s hoping her next body owns at least one pair of sensible shoes.

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Jailbait – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Cell”

angry damon

Cannibalism never looked this good  . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries explored the many ways in which humans (and vampires) can be prisoners . . .

drowning stef

“Is it Friday yet?”

They can be literal prisoners, locked in jail cells and deprived of freedom, like Damon, Sexy New Latin Lover Enzo (played by newcomer Michael Malarkey . . . mama like . . . . A LOT), and later Elena, were to those wackjob sadists fondly referred to as “Augustine” . . .

prisoners

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“On the bright side, conjugal visits just became much more convenient.”

They could be prisoners of their own bodies and mortality, like the supposedly-rapidly-decaying-and-dying-but-still-looks-frustratingly-stunning-sexy-and-wrinkle-free Katherine Pierce . . .

eating kat

Wait until she learns that humans actually gain weight  . . .

They could be prisoners of their sorry fate and unfortunately evil legacy, like that eternal sad sack, who makes Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,  look downright cheery,  Aaron Whitmore . . .

not getting worse

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“It’s not like my day could get any worse.”

come to an end

And they could be prisoners of their own minds, like good ole “my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, and my face twin, locked me in a safe at the bottom of a river, hence all the screaming, hyperventilating and crying I’ve been doing lately,” Stefan . . .

brain fried stefan

“Dear WebMD, does Aspirin work on Vampires?”

Whatever your personal prison, you didn’t need to have vampire blood running through your brains to relate to at least one of the storylines of “The Cell,” which, as a refreshing change from the uber complex mythology and whiplash fast repeated plot twists of “the Silas Storyline” actually worked pretty well as a standalone episode, with a focus on character motivation and basic interpersonal relationships that we haven’t really seen since the series’ heyday back in Season 2.

happy elena

So break out your favorite trusty old safe (hopefully, you’ve sanitized it first), choke down your daily blood rations, and turn up the radio on that old classic 50’s tune,  because it’s time to “go a-walking after midnight” with this latest TVD recap . . .

thirsty damon 2

La Casa de Rich and Slimy

No wonder, Damon never had any qualms about offing his ancestor Zach Salvatore back in Season 1 of TVD!  It seems these Salvatores have a pretty long history of familial betrayal . . . one that dates back at least as far as the early 50’s, when Some Random Salvatore used the now infamous Boarding House (where Damon and Stefan have been drinking, sexing up numerous women who look like Nina Dobrev, and brooding for the past five seasons) to lure a very James Dean-y version of Damon into a life of captivity and torture, all for “the good of science” and a bit of cash, of course.

When Damon found out about this betrayal (upon receiving a neck full of vervain for his trouble) he was less than pleased.

soap dish smash

And so, he found a rather creative way to seek vengeance on his less-than-trustworthy relative: death-by-whiskey-glass.  Granted, this form of death is not quite as visually appealing, as a good old-fashioned heart-extraction-from-chest-and-subsequent-tossing-of-heart-on-floor-like-it’s-a-piece-of-lint-on-your-shirt, but it will do in a pinch.

2-2 sexy drinking damon

This whiskey tastes funny.  Perhaps, it has something to do with the rim of the glass having just been inside my great, great, great grandson’s carotid artery . . .”

Enter Dr. Whitmore . . .

classy

Psycho sadist by day, douchebag who wears a pocket square by night . . .

He’s thrilled that Death-By-Whiskey resulted in a surprise discount on his Vampire Pin Cushion purchase, but bummed that his test subject is still awake.  Fortunately, a bit more vervain will fix that right up .  . .

Back in  the present day, Damon finds himself once again, a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Whitmore).  Only this time, fashions have changed (he’s wearing a black shirt instead of a white one), and vampire jail is much lonelier without a super sexy guest star in the next cell with which to shoot the breeze.  Fortunately for Damon, company is on the way . . .

jail cell

“Black is the new black.”

“Sorry all your friends and family died.  But let’s talk about me for a change . . .”

It appears that one of the unfortunate side effects of being on a show where everybody’s sole point of interest and topic of conversation is you, is that you tend to become a wee bit self-absorbed . . .

3 finale happy pointtail elena katiebecketts

“But enough about me, let’s talk about me.”

And because she is a victim of her own circumstances, I guess we have to cut Elena a bit of slack for KILLING JESSE one night, and popping up at his MASSIVELY DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING SUICIDAL former roommate’s dorm room the next morning, and asking him to come frolicking with her in search of her errant boyfriend.

followed me here

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Someone needs to get her priorities in order.

Fortunately, for Elena, Sad Aaron is so desperate for non-brutally murdered people to befriend, that if he spotted a cockroach on his window sill, he’d probably invite it out for beers, and offer to be its wingman while it tried to pick up chicks . . .

aaron in tux

noticing me

And so he gallantly invites the only person on the show who is a bigger Grim Reaper than he is, over to his family mansion where, unbeknownst to him, his “guardian” is using Elena’s boyfriend to play a live action version of the beloved childhood game “Operation.”  (Just don’t remove his funny bone, Mmm-kay, Doctor Death.  We like our Elder Salvatore Brother sexy AND snarky.)

doctor-bot-operation

shirtless damon 4 sleepy baby

If you recall, the last time Elena was here, she had to hang out outside, because the owner of the house wasn’t around to invite her in.  This time, she dances around awkwardly, waiting for Aaron to do the polite thing, and let the female bloodsucker cross his threshold.

It’s at this point in the story that we learn (1) Aaron is a Whitmore, which means his dead family like TOTALLY owns the college; (2) Elena’s dad may or may not have been in league with the nefarious Augustines; and (3) Doctor Death became Aaron’s legal guardian, after the death of his last living relative Useless Aunt Jenna Aunt Sarah.

aunt jenna

We interrupt this trip down Plot Twist lane, so that Elena can get stabbed in the neck with a vervain syringe . . .

(Personally, I prefer the good old fashioned neck snap for characters who need a “temporary time out,” but I guess this will do, in a pinch.)

Another Fail “Safe” Plan

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan thinks writing about her problems in a diary will make Katherine want to kill herself less.

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(Yeah, Stefan, because that worked SO WELL for you!)

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But Katherine has never really been much of a writer (or a reader) for that matter.   So, she tells Stefan he should stop focusing on Katherine’s suicidal tendencies and start trying to figure out why the same guy who ate his own father without flinching, now goes into girly hysterics every time he pictures an itty bitty box .  . .

I mean, I thought vampires were supposed to like coffins?

tombstonecoffin%20cookies_JPG-550x0

Katherine invites her new bestie Caroline over to shock Stefan out of his PTSD, by locking him in a safe, until he’s not afraid of  being there anymore.

She even brought her own trusty safe to use in Stefan’s treatment.  “But don’t worry,” she tells the seriously freaked out younger Salvatore brother.  “I sanitized it.”

smirky

put windex on it

Yes, Caroline, because germs have always been a vampire’s worst enemy . .  .

Stefan’s first run-in with the safe doesn’t exactly go well, in the sense that he’s throwing a full-on temper tantrum within minutes of getting inside.  (Can you imagine this guy in a tanning bed?  It would not be pretty.)

Katherine wonders out loud whether Stefan’s problem is not the safe at all, but rather, his pen*s.  This logic inspires in her a rather brilliant idea.  (Katherine not be particularly literary.  And she may never have enrolled in Psych 101, like Caroline.  But if she’s an expert in anything it’s Vampire Pen*s . . .)

you two ever

great in bed

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“This one time .  . . in Augustine Vampire Jail . . .”

Finding themselves reunited in Vampire Jail with a sturdy wall of bars between them, Elena and Damon find themselves with a bit of time to kill.

feels

more fun if naked

And so, Damon decides to regale Elena about his zany prison adventures with a hot European soldier Vamp named Enzo.   You see, this isn’t Damon’s first time at the rodeo.  He’s been a vampire test subject once before.

never told

(By the way, over 50 some-odd years of experimentation with the undead, and these guys are still doing things like testing vampire light sensitivity, and their ability to regenerate limbs?  Any teenager who has read Twilight  could tell you that.  Worst Medical Researchers EVER!)

surrounded by idiots

Damon discusses how Enzo and him developed a friendship through the bars of their personal vampire prison, while chugging down a single shot glass of blood each day to keep themselves from desiccation.  While they took turns being brutally tortured by that icy cyborg Dr. Whitmore (charm cleary runs in this family), the two bonded over lost lady loves (Enzo’s was a benevolent researcher named Maggie), music (“I go a-walking . . . after midnight . . . out in the moonlight . . .lalala”), and their mutual hatred for all things Whitmore.  Time passed, until finally, after one New Years, the vampire bromantics finally devised a plan for their inevitable escape from Torture Town.

sex enzy

The plan involved Damon drinking both his and Enzo’s rations, and secretly growing stronger, over the course of a year, so that when the two were let out for the annual New Year’s party, Damon would be strong enough to free Enzo from the pokey, and the pair could live happily ever after . . .  literally . . . you know . . . because they are immortal and stuff . . .

long story wait for movie

A whole year, comprised of doing nothing but regularly submitting to torture and drinking shots of red stuff . . . talk about a LOOOOOOOONNNG CON.  (Though, honestly, it seems strange that Enzo wouldn’t have desiccated during that time, seeing as he was drinking nothing for an entire year, and the whole point of the rations was to keep both vampires alive and weak.)

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Because Katherine Pierce is just kinky like that . . .

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When this box is a rocking, don’t come a-knocking  . . .

Stefan opens his eyes in the Evil Box to find Katherine right next to him, sweating it out with him.  (Geez!  It’s a good thing Stefan isn’t claustrophobic.)  He freaks out, of course, threatens to kill her, gently chokes her, makes a big show of breathing heavily on her neck.  It’s supposed to be scary, but it’s kind of hot, and you can tell both parties are totally turned on by it . . .

shock therapy

Katherine explains to Stefan that his fear of safes is really just a sublimation of the feelings of abandonment he experienced when Elena dumped him for Stefan.  It’s some pretty high brow talk for a girl who’s used to speaking almost entirely in sexual innuendos!  Then, in a voice that’s oddly Elena like, Katherine gently reminds Stefan that she’s there for him.

3 4 happy to know stefan

This has the impact of giving Stefan a major boner, and making him temporarily forget that he’s locked in a death trap of a safe with a dying human blood bag.

 “Wakey, wakey!”

Caroline pops open the safe,  unfortunately cock blocking the hundred plus year-old flames before they have a chance to let the REAL healing begin.  But Stefan isn’t mad at his gal pal.  His PTSD is cured!

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Now if he could just find a remedy for these . . .

blue balls

A little while later, Katherine confronts Stefan in the study, and lightly teases him about an ugly chair he broke, while in the throes of PTSD.  Stefan admits that he finally has to make a point to move on from Elena.  Katherine is uncharacteristically demure when she admits that sometimes she isn’t quite sure what she’s doing.   They move closer to one another slowly,  like boxers circling each  other, eyes locked, wondering whose going to be the one to make the first jab.  “My Superman” by Santigold plays in the background, reminding both characters that they’ve “got to live.”

study chest

macky

Annnnd the, next thing you know they’re sucking face .  . .

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Part of me wishes we actually got to see a bit of the good stuff, rather than merely implying that the two characters were boning, by zooming in on Caroline’s horrified and disgusted face, as her vampire hearing picked up the sound of their sex moans,  while she was leaving a telephone message for the kidnapped Elena.  And yet, I guess there is something to be said for leaving a bit to the imagination.

sex noise

After all, this “coming together” of Stefan and Katherine was actually much less about sexual tension (though they have it in spades, for sure), and more about them both being precisely what one another needed in that moment.  Stefan needed to recognize that his pain over Elena’s abandonment of him was keeping him metaphorically trapped, emotionally suffocated, and afraid of moving on with his life.  Katherine’s willingness to be there for him, when he needed it most, literally allowed Stefan to breathe inside that safe, and, subsequently feel freer than he had in a long time.

elena free stefan

As for Katherine, her mortality and impending death were making her feel weak, old, and frail, sapping her of her usual survival instincts and will to live.   Seeing how much Stefan needed and wanted her, brought Katherine back to herself.  It made her feel, strong, sexy, and virile.  It gave her the desire to fight for her own survival.

im a survivor

Also, let’s face it, these are two people who REALLY like sex,  and haven’t been laid in a few episodes . . . so there’s that . . .

New Year’s Cleave

Back in flashback land, it’s New Year’s Eve and Damon and Enzo are prepped and ready for their great escape.  Everything starts off as planned.  Damon, emboldened by his extra shot of blood each day, breaks his own bones upon minutes of being let out of the cage, heals them, and then proceeds to pop out Dr. Whitmore’s eyeballs, just as Dr. Whitmore did to him early on in the episode.

You know, because no one gets between Damon and his darling baby blues . . . NO ONE.

damon soulful crying

Then he, takes the keys to the cages from Dr. Whitmore’s pants, frees hot Enzo and dashes off into the sunset.

Just kidding.  That would be the SMART thing to do.  Instead, Damon proceeds to kill all the party guests, knock over a candelabra, and set the entire place on fire.  Then, the bars are all hot, and Damon can’t save Enzo without becoming fried chicken in the process.  So, Damon does what any self-respecting antihero would do, he turns off his emotions, and walks out, leaving his buddy to chargrill.  Catch you later, Hot Enzo . . . who is now literally hot . . . as in BURNING TO DEATH HOT.

dont leave me

dont look back at explosions

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“Cool guys never look back at explosions.”

And so yet another clueless human learns about the existence of vampires is and changed forever . . .

Back in the present day, Doctor Death gives Aaron an impromptu lesson in vampires . . . explains that vampires killed his parents  . . . and gives him a vervain watch and some lame vampire research journals as a belated birthday present.  Traumatized Aaron travels down to vampire jail to find out which member of the Scooby Gang killed his parents and possibly Megan.  He accuses Elena, at first.  WRONG!  (Though Elena DID kill Jesse, Aaron never quite gets around to asking her about that.)

jesse vamp

“Et tu, human version of Eeyore?”

Damon admits that while he didn’t kill any of Aaron’s roommates, he did kill Aaron’s parents, and pretty much all of his ancestors, along with a boatload of Augustines.  In a brief flashback, we learn that Damon’s plan for vengeance against the Whitmores had been to kill everyone in their family but one, in each generation, to ensure that he would continue having Whitmore’s to kill for all eternity.  He better hope Aaron’s not sterile, because he just killed his last living relative Sarah, a few months back . . . when Damon and Elena had just started dating.

delena sex big

full of surprise

Ruh-roh . .  . it looks like, while love heals all wounds, it may not be strong enough to satisfy one’s thirst for vengeance . . . just ask Amanda Clark from Revenge.

EMILY VANCAMP

What’s worse, many fans are speculating that Damon might very well have been the one to cause Elena’s parent’s accident, seeing as he was present moments before the accident occurred, and Elena’s father is currently presumed to have been a member of the Vampire Torture Fraternity.  Is there a Hallmark card out there that reads, “Sorry for maybe killing your parents, and for going on killing spree road trips, when you and I were supposed to be at home having mind blowing sex?  If so, Damon better start shopping for it now . . .

Aaron thanks Damon for his confession, by shooting him in the head.  Nighty night, Damon.

had that coming

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He wakes up a few moments later to find his girlfriend missing from her cell . . .

elena ahhh

Someone needs to get more music on his iPod . . .

When you think about it, it’s a bit ironic that the haunting oldies tune “Walking After Midnight,” of all tunes, was the one that played in the background throughout most of “The Cell,” especially when you consider how little walking our Scooby Gang did during this episode.  I mean, seriously, this might very well have been the least ambulatory episode of TVD of all time!  Everyone seemed to be either, locked up in jail cells, or lying down in safes, strapped down to examination tables, or dumbfoundedly watching others lay around, sit around, or lie around in those places.

sad bored hobby

How does that old saying go?  Something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings?

Well, the same thing could possibly be said about idles minds and mouths, if Enzo (Welcome back, Enzo!  We just knew you were too damn good looking and charismatic to be a one-off flashback character on this show.) and his creepy crooning of what may very well be the ONLY song he’s been listening to nonstop since 1953, while strapped down next to Poor!Elena on an examination table, waiting to get his weiner chopped off or some such nonsense in the name of pseudo-science-as-an-excuse-for torture.  Let’s all invest in an iTunes gift card for this guy for Christmas, what do you say?

That said,  it does appear that Doctor Death at least took the time to get Enzo a modern day haircut, and update his wardrobe.  (Though, to be honest, I was kind of partial to his greaser duds.  They were sexy.)  This, of course, begs the question: why bother to play dress up with a guy you only let out once a year to be your dancing monkey at parties?  Could Enzo be THE Augustine Vampire to which Doctor Death has been referring all this time?  The one who has become allegiant to the same society that tortured him for over half a century?   The one that killed sweet Megan and her adorable glasses?

what one

enzo

Source

surprised-face

Only time will tell . . .

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries mid-season finale, Sad Sack Aaron learns that it’s hard out there for a relatively wimpy human on a show full of vampires.  Just ask Matt . . .

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

Also, next week, Katherine dabbles in some cardio . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

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Bloody Tricks and Sucky Treats – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Monster’s Ball”

rawr damon

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eating kat

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shadow self

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dear great pumpkin