Last week on Once, while I was in Spain, the Evil Queen cast a curse on Snow White and Prince Charming, so that they could never be awake at the same time. Specifically, every time one member of the happy couple tried to suck face with the other, the mere act of face sucking would cause that person to fall into a coma. (You may have experienced something similar when trying to kiss someone with morning mouth.) Also while I was in Spain, someone was elected President of the United States, whose name was most certainly not next to the bubble I darkened on my absentee ballot . . . thus proving that bad things happen everywhere when I leave the country . . .
This week on Once, I was back in the country, so Henry saved his moms from the mirror they were trapped in, without darkening his soul. AND he got Violet to admit that she still has the hots for him, despite the fact that their honeymoon period is totes over. Balance is hereby restored. You’re welcome. Now, if I could just fix that OTHER matter . . .
Anyway, on to the review . . .
A Kiss Before Snoring
Because making the best of a bad situation is kind of Prince Charming’s and Snow White’s thing, they decide to equitably divide their shared life in half, so that each gets a chance to take care of their perpetually newborn son, and bond with the rest of Storybrooke, while the other snoozes under the Evil Queen’s curse. Though to be honest, it’s not entirely clear to me how the time schedule works.
Does one person get nights and the other get days? Because that wouldn’t be entirely fair. Maybe they alternate days, and actually both sleep at nights, which would be more fair, but seems wasteful, in the sense that the couple should maximize their waking hours, in order to figure out a way to break the curse. (Like for example, Emma, their child, and also their true love, could wake both of her parents with true love’s kiss simultaneously. I mean, wouldn’t that be an obvious first thing to at least try? Maybe if they didn’t spend so much time sleeping and leaving one another cute notes and videos, they could have figured that out by now.)
Maybe I spend way too much time thinking about the nocturnal habits of a fictional couple . . .
Anyway, we get an idea of what life under a shared sleeping curse is like for the Charmings through a cute montage of the perpetually half-comatose couple to the tune of Colours by Donovan, which could just as easily double as a particularly weepy cell phone commercial.
At some point during all this Verizon-approved adorableness, Snow looks in a mirror and realizes, she REALLY needs to lose that awful haircut. Just kidding! She realizes the Evil Queen is watching her through the mirror and angrily shatters it, which coincidentally, is also a great way of dealing with a bad haircut, you can’t immediately correct. If you can’t see it, it’s easier to pretend it isn’t there.
The Mirror Has Two Faces
Snow White’s aggressive encounter with her bedroom mirror gives Regina the idea to enchant one and use it to entrap the Evil Queen. The only problem with this plan is that Regina and the Evil Queen sort-of / kind of share a brain. And, much like with Snow and Charming’s sleeping curse, only one of the pair seems capable of using it at any given time. This was Evil Queen’s turn at having a brain, so she beat Regina to the punch, switching Regina’s enchanted mirror for a plain one.
So, when Emma and Regina, using Henry as bait, lure the Evil Queen to the beach to entrap her in the mirror, the Evil Queen turns the tables and traps Emma and Regina in the mirror prison instead!
So that the rest of Storybrooke won’t immediately become wise to the switcheroo, the Evil Queen masquerades as Regina. She also leaves a fake message on Hook’s cell phone from Emma, in which the faux-Savior claims she’s out of town searching for help to break her parent’s sleeping curse. After that though, Regina seemingly gains control of the Shared Brain. As a result, Evil Queen does a terrible job at masquerading as her better half, fooling absolutely NO ONE!
Oh Henry!
Hook immediately becomes suspicious of Faux-Regina, when Emma fails to answer any of Hook’s twelve phone calls inquiring as to her whereabouts. Ahh, the wonders of modern technology, and the power it has to make even the most masculine of guyliner-wearing boys extremely needy. However, it’s Henry who determines with absolute certainty that Faux-Regina is actually the Evil Queen, when the latter chooses a black tie for Henry to wear to the upcoming dance (Regina would have totally opted for red.), and bitches about the teen’s posture. (Regina thinks slouching is sexy.)
Now, that he knows his moms are in danger, Henry graciously backs out of going to the dance with Violet, and proceeds to shout at every mirror he comes upon like a raving lunatic, hoping to connect with his parents. This scene, if you think about it, could also serve as a Verizon commercial. Granted, it’s not a sweet sappy one like what Snow and Charming were filming earlier. It’s more like those old school “Can you hear me now,” ones from that guy that eventually jumped ship and switched to Sprint.
Don’t Wake the Dragon
While stuck in Mirror Prison, the Real Regina and Emma come upon this guy, the Dragon, who magically appears on the show whenever the gang need “mystical” advice from a wise elderly Asian man who talks like Yoda from Star Wars. Not-Yoda tells the pair that they can get out of Mirror Prison, if they repair the conveniently located cracked mirror inside the prison. Oddly enough, Dragon hasn’t used this plan to free himself from Mirror Prison for Reasons.
Real Regina and Emma start rebuilding the mirror, only to learn that Not-Yoda the Dragon is actually being controlled by the Evil Queen herself, who is holding the Dragon’s heart in her hands. The Evil Queen promptly turns Not-Yoda the Not-Dragon from a wise elderly Asian man into a Bad CGI version of an actual, fire breathing, Savior and Mayor-eating Dragon. So, now Real Regina and Emma are totally screwed. Or are they?
Oh Henry 2: Electric Boogalo
Hoping to make Henry evil just like her, the Evil Queen gives Henry a magical hammer she procured from Gold, while they were sucking face earlier in the episode. (Yuck!) The Evil Queen explains that if Henry uses the hammer to squish Dragon’s heart, the Dragon will die, and Emma and Regina will live. Henry tells the Evil Queen not to Darth Vader him into taking an innocent life. It’s a solid metaphor, if ever there was one . . . especially since I made a Yoda reference earlier in the recap, and I like to make everything in this show about me. Except, personally, Henry always struck me more as a Chewbacca type, than Luke Skywalker.
Anyway, Henry refuses to kill the Dragon. Instead, he uses the hammer to smash through the mirror, freeing Emma and Regina, while leaving Not-Yoda unharmed, if still in his fire-breathing CGI form. It’s a Big Win for Team Good Guys. Even Hook, who hasn’t done anything during the episode but leave incessant phone calls on Emma’s voicemail, gets in on the action, by making empty threats to decapitate the Evil Queen while looking very sexy, because that’s kind of his thing.
In other good news, Henry attempts to make it up to Violet for skipping out on the school dance, by making his own private party for her at Granny’s. (Oh Henry, you dirty dog, you! Maybe some of the Evil Queen’s Darth Vadering worked after all, if you catch my drift.) At the “dance” for two, Violet admits to Henry that even though she’s been avoiding him like the plague for half a season, she still likes him. In fact, the only reason she’s been treating him like he has an incurable and highly contagious case of the cooties for weeks is . . . wait for it . . . she’s really stressed about school.
Now, in my personal experience, that’s a “let him down gently” excuse, if ever I’ve heard one. But here in Storybrooke it’s apparently totally legit, and so Henry’s thrilled. As far as the little guy is concerned, he’s going to be hammering Violet’s nail really soon! (See what I did there . . . with the hammer . . . because earlier in the episode . . . oh never mind!)
In Aggressively Abusive Relationship News . . .
Nothing says loving like handcuffs, false imprisonment, threats of violence and egregious stalking, am I right? Fearing for her and her unborn child’s safety from an increasingly Lifetime Movie Bad Boyfriend-esque Rumpelstiltskin, Belle forms an unholy alliance with Zelena, in the hopes that the latter can make a portal into which Belle can escape into another realm prior to giving birth. In order to make the portal though, Zelena needs a magic wand, which, unfortunately is in Rumpel’s pawn shop, because where else would it be? Zelena and Belle hire Aladdin to break in and steal the wand for them, which he does, if only so that his character can squeeze out just a wee bit more relevance to this season’s plot than he’d have otherwise.
While in Rump’s shop, the ambiguously accented thief also manages to steal a lamp he claims will help he and Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah. Or will it?
Unfortunately, minutes before Zelena can use the spell to make the portal, Rumpel appears at her home and slaps a gold House Arrest bracelet on Belle. Now, Rump will know where Belle is at all times, regardless of realm.
Then, just in case the old “If I can’t have her, no realm can,” line doesn’t render Rumpel enough of a bad boyfriend cliché, he promptly turns to Belle’s frenemy, Zelena, and starts strangling her. After all, violence against women is always a primo characteristic for the romantic male leads on family friendly television shows!
[Sidenote: Honestly, apart from indicating that this entire season has been a bad dream, I’m not sure how the writers of this show have Rumpel come back from this, and still be seen as a viable candidate for Belle’s heart, without sending a scarily bad message to young women about the kind of men they should be hoping to date in the future.]
Interestingly enough, Rumpel’s actions against Zelena actually end up hurting Rumpel himself. This is because, apparently, the Wicked Witch cast a spell to ensure that, anytime the Dark One attempts to hurt her, only he will experience the pain. Basically, this is the magical adult version of “I’m rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”
Do you guys remember that gem of a phrase from your childhoods? No? Damn, I’m old.
This makes Rumpel mad, so he goes over to his new girlfriend Evil Queen, who also happens to be Zelena’s sister, and asks her to KILL Zelena for him.
What a swell guy! Why on Earth would Belle want to let a stud like this slip away?
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]
In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .
Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.
Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.
Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!
Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.
Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.
Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?
But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?
Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!
In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey
Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”
Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.
You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!
Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”
The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.
After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!
Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.
If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .
Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)
Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)
Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.
Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .
This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)
Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.
Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?
Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It
Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.
“XO, XO!”
In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.
Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.
Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”
Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).
Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.
Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.
Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)
Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .
Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever
The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?
Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)
After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.
Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .
OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!
Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.
Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.
Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.
But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.
But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.
Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.
This week’s episode of Game of Thrones will live on in my nightmares for years to come. I hate zombies. Hate them with a capital “H.” My zombiephobia is the main reason I don’t watch The Walking Dead, despite the fact that everyone tells me that it’s this super smart and savvy show, and I am culturally bereft for having never seen it. (Though, in my defense, NO ONE has been saying that this season.)
So, of course, it’s my luck that a pack of zombies had to come and invade my television for 20 straight minutes, on a show that I have to RECAP, which means I get RELIVE the zombies, over, and over, and over again . . .
Just because they are good dancers, doesn’t make them any less terrifying . . .
DAMN YOU, COOL BAD ASS WHITE WALKER KING, DAMN YOUUUUUUU!
Childhood phobias that never went away notwithstanding, “Hardhome” really was television at its finest. Put it this way, when a meeting between legends Dany Targaryen and Tyrion Lannister is NOT the most exciting thing to happen during an hour of TV, you know you have just witnessed something pretty fan-friggen-tastic.
And so what if I never have a good night’s sleep again, right?
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Wheel Analogies: They Aren’t Just For Mad Men (and Mad Kings) Anymore . . .
“This is not a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards and forwards, and it takes us to a place where we ache to go again . . . It’s not called ‘The Wheel.’ It’s called ‘The Carousel.’ It lets us travel around and around and back home again.”
Don Draper said the above now-iconic words in a Season 1 episode of Mad Men. He was selling the idea of a photo carousel as a way to capture and embody nostalgia . . . to take moments in your life that you love and get to re-experience them again and again. (Like I will unfortunately be forced to do with the zombie in my nightmares tonight.)
This week on GOT, Dany expresses a much darker view of The Wheel. She sees it as an oppressive machine, one that prevents change, and forces people to repeat their mistakes again and again. To her, the families fighting for the Iron Throne are all different flavor of awful. But they are all awful nonetheless. And what’s worse, they are destined to keep usurping one another’s power, while never really changing anything about the society in which they live.
But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here. Let’s first talk about how Tyrion wins the Mother of Dragon’s trust, and goes from being a candidate for a potential beheading to a trusted adviser in the course of a single episode. I’ll give you a hint, it involves the mutual bashing of a bad ex-boyfriend . . .
. . . and a boatload of booze!
“SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!”
(Coincidentally, these are also the steps one must take to win MY trust . . .)
“I think I’m going to murder you,” offers Dany, upon first meeting Tyrion. “For one thing, you are a Lannister. And all Lannisters, by definition, are The Worst. Also, I hear you have a tremendously large magical dwarf cock. And I’ve always wanted one of those for my Collection of Awesome things, which, so far includes my dragons and the pan-fried fat bald guy I fed to them a few weeks back.”
“I agree, the Lannisters are totally The Worst,” admits Tyrion, “which is why I murdered one (Tywin) and was indirectly a part of the deaths of two others (Tyrion’s mom and Joffrey). Plus, if you kill me and cut off massively large magical dwarf cock, how do you expect me to get it to dance for you? It does a really flawless paso doble.”
“OK, I guess I won’t kill you,” Dany replies, trying to hide her disappointment about not having a magical cock in her collection of awesome things. “But what about Jorah? Can I kill him? He’s old. And a bad kisser. And he betrayed me. And he has a highly contagious life threatening disease. And he sucks.”
“He is old . . . and a very bad kisser . . . or so I’ve been told. And he did betray you. And he definitely sucks,” Tyrion agrees.
“Yoo hoo, standing right here, with very hurt feelings!” Jorah calls out.
But everyone ignores him, just like they’ve been patently ignoring the fact that his entire arm and a good portion of his face is now covered in greyscale . . .
“But I don’t think you should kill him,” Tyrion admits. “Because he worships you like a sad puppy.”
“And sad puppies are very good to keep around when you need someone to fetch you a newspaper, terrorize the mailman, and fend off your enemies . . . as long as you don’t let them into your house, where they will eat your shoes, pee on your carpet, and possibly infect you with greyscale.”
With Jorah successfully spanked on the bottom and led outside Mereen to the doghouse, Tyrion and Dany were free to get on with the much more important business of GETTING WASTED TOGETHER!
Because, for four and a half seasons, Dany has been on an entirely different show than everybody else, Tyrion makes quick work of giving her the Cliff Notes version of the series. “The Starks are nice people, but get tortured every week, and generally lose at life. The Lannisters are awful, except for me, and Jamie, who used to be awful too, but now everybody likes him, because he has one hand, makes self deprecating jokes and was nice to Brienne. The Tyrells are crafty, but no one thinks they have a shot in hell of actually winning this war. Ditto for Stannis. Jon Snow is sexy. And no one gives two shits about Bran and Rickon,” he explains.
As you can see, Tyrion is a spectacular TV Recapper. And his skills impress Dany enough for her to formally offer him the job of her adviser. With that formality out of the way, Dany quickly moves the topic to how she’s going to rule the world. “The poor and the middle class love me,” explains Dany. “I provide them with the tools to build a better life. I’m a Democrat basically.”
“Yeah, but the rich Republicans hate you,” argues Tyrion. “And unfortunately, you need some of them, and their money, if you want to rule the world.”
“Eh, I’ll just have my dragons eat all the rich Republicans,” Dany decides.
(Well, she just got my vote!)
“You know, Westeros is kind of overrated,” Tyrion postulates. “It smells bad. The iron throne gives you wedgies. And everyone is always talking about winter coming, and the impending threat of creepy baby zombies. Why don’t you have your dragons eat all the rich Republicans in Mereen, and stay here, where the weather is always tropical, it smells like oranges, and the lands are refreshingly baby zombie free? Let the wheel that is Game of Thrones’ power struggle run itself in the ground, while you stay in bed and have hot sex with Daario.”
Never . . . gets . . . old.
“But that would make for bad television . . . good porn . . . but bad television,” note Dany. “I want to break the wheel.”
“Great campaign slogan, and catch phrase,” says Tyrion. “OK then, world domination it is!”
Everything is Coming Up Sansa!
Sansa Stark is tired of your shit. . .
It’s no secret that Sansa has been having a really bad season . . . like the worst season ever! But in this week’s installment of GOT, our unbreakable heroine finally finds a glimmer of hope. Granted, it’s a tiny, tiny glimmer . . . like ant-sized . . . a glimmer that requires a microscope and X-ray vision to see it, but it’s a glimmer, nonetheless.
It all starts when Sansa confronts Theon/Reek, about his asshat move of selling her out to Ramsey last week, when she tried to get him to help her light the candle in the broken tower so that Brienne would know to come rescue her from the gratuitous torture porn her storyline has become this season.
“I was doing you a favor,” responds Theon / Reek. “You were going to run away. And if Ramsey caught you he’d cutoff your balls . . . even though you don’t have any balls . . . and I don’t have any more balls . . . and . . . yeah, I don’t really understand my logic for diming you out either.”
“Apparently, all of my IQ points were stored in my balls, which Ramsey removed.”
“I wish I could cut off your balls for killing my brothers, Bran and Rickon, even though nobody gives a shit about them.”
Theon: *whistles uncomfortably*
“Are you saying you give a shit about Bran and Rickon?” Sansa asks incredulously.
“Of course, not. They are SUPER BORING. I’m saying I didn’t actually kill them, just two equally boring kids who looked kind of like them,” Theon explains.
In addition to learning that Bran and Rickon are alive, which . . . meh . . . other good news comes to Sansa in the form of Ramsey coming up with a terrible plan to battle Stannis, which will most certainly get him brutally murdered. HOORAY!
“Stannis’ army is coming. But we outnumber them five to one, and have a home court advantage. So, we might as well wait and murder their puny asses, as soon as they cross our gates,” reasons Roose Bolton quite rationally.
“Nah, I’d rather go out into the snow and brutal cold with only 20 men, so that Stannis’ army outnumbers ME five to one, and let Stannis slaughter me and my teeny tiny army like cattle,” Ramsey retorts.
Upstairs, Sansa Stark is doing a happy dance (and also wondering where she can find Theon/Reek’s balls, so that she can reattach them to his body, and chop them off again).
Speaking of people Sansa hates whose lives are becoming increasingly shitty . . .
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Campbells Soup
In which Cersei dreams of a toothbrush . . . and it gives her an orgasm.
I don’t know how much time has passed between this week’s episode and last, but MAN has prison life wreaked havoc on Cersei’s teeth! I’m not going to even talk about the hair. We expected the hair, based on what we saw from Margaery last week. (Apparently, jail cells are extremely humid.) But those are some raunchy chompers! Perhaps, she’s been sharpening them on the cell walls, with the hopes of eventually using them as weapons. . .
The Mother Theresa lady who threw Cersei in the pokey, last week, keeps popping by to shove a soup spoon at Cersei’s gross mouth, and beg her to confess her crimes. “Confess,” the lady says, over and over again, throughout the episode.
“Confess is the new Hodor.”
To which, Cersei replies. “I will not confess on a boat. I will not confess in a moat. I will not confess in this disgusting lair. I will not confess anywhere!”
(Because, apparently, being incarcerated turns one into Dr. Seuss . . . if Dr. Seuss had really bad teeth.)
Then, Mother Theresa dumps Cersei’s soup on the floor, and stalks out of the room, only to repeat the process later in the episode. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Eventually, Cersei breaks down out of hunger and desperation, and licks the soup off the floor.
How the mighty hath fallen, literally. Sansa would get a kick out of watching that for sure. And I think of Eddard Stark still had a head, he’d enjoy it as well . . .
Speaking of headless, or, rather “faceless” Starks . . .
Arya gives someone an oyster, and gets a bottle of cheap perfume
Arya did such a great job murdering the cancer kid at Burgerless White Castle last week, that Jagen decides to promote her from “Washer of Gross Corpses Feet” to “Deliveries.” She ventures out to the canals with a strange cockney accent and weird milkmaid braids, and sells an oyster to some old dude who likes to gamble. This pleases Jagen for some inexplicable reason, and he gives Arya a perfume bottle so that she can give it to the old oyster-eating dude who likes to gamble.
Just say no to drugs. Unless they come in pretty bottles and are given to you by creepy guys who talk like Yoda.
Arya is super excited about getting drugs from Jagen. Because she figures that maybe if she’s high she’ll forget how boring her storyline currently is . . .
But enough about eating oysters and dealing drugs to kids, let’s get to the part where everybody dies and becomes a scary zombie who will give me nightmares!
Apocalypse WOW!
This is what happens when you don’t book your vacation with Hotels.com . . . you get eaten by White Walkers, also your hotel bed is lumpy.
Back on the Wall, a freshly de-virginized Sam Tarley is totally confident that his pal Jon will be perfectly safe on his trip into the Gates of Hell that are the wildlings current residence of Hardhome.
Clearly, sex with Ginny has made Sam oblivious to danger, because Jon Snow is SO NOT FINE! In fact, he’s pretty royally f*&ked. It all starts when Jon and Tormund meet Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and he is not amenable to discussing an alliance between the Wildlings and the Wall Watchers . . .
“I do not negotiate with terrorists . . . or really, really ridiculously good looking people named Jon.”
Fortunately, Tormund is very persuasive, and eventually gets Splinter to change his mind about negotiations . . .
Somewhere in a sewer, Raphael and Donatello are saying, COWABUNGA!!!!
With Splinter taken care of, Jon Snow and Tormund begin the daunting task of convincing the wildlings to forgo their centuries long beef with the Wall Watchers, seek safety behind the wall, and fight alongside their former enemies against the White Walkers. This nice lady is all for the alliance . . .
And so is the super cool giant with body image issues . . .
But the skinhead-looking wildling and some others, are not as easily persuaded. Eventually, Jon is forced to take the few Wildlings who agreed to side with him, and leave everybody else to rot, literally.
Way too much time is spent on the nice lady who agreed to ally with Jon, and how she’s sending her kids on the boat ahead of her, so we pretty much know she’s toast, we just aren’t sure how she’ll die. Then like eight trillion zombies pop up out of nowhere and we figure out exactly how she’s going to die . . .
The Wildlings close the gates to Hardhome, effectively screwing over all those losers who didn’t want to side with Jon in the first place. Those guys actually get off the easiest, because they set their meeting house on fire, ensuring themselves a get-out-of-turning-into-a-zombie free death.
But then the zombies break down the gates to Hardhome, and everyone who hasn’t already shipped off on a boat, is pretty much toast. Nice lady, who let her kids go on the boat before her, does a pretty good job fighting off the zombies, until a bunch of baby zombies surround her that remind her too much of her kids. She can’t bring herself to murder them, so they all pile on her and eat her innards . . .
Happy Belated Mother’s Day, Moms!
Jon fares slightly better, being a main character and all. He manages to kill a bunch of red shirt zombies, the old fashioned way. Then, he whips out Sam’s dragon glass to kill the Harry and the Hendersons looking White Walker who, up to this point, we all thought was their leader. (Spoiler alert: He’s not.)
Cool Giant with Body Images Issues fares the best against the White Walkers, because he’s so friggin huge, that whenever they come at him, he can just swat them away like pesky gnats. Then, when he’s tired of playing zombie games, he walks off into the river, right alongside the boats departing for the Wall. Now, THAT’S a guy I want on my zombie fighting team!
Eventually, Jon and Co. get tired of getting their asses kicked by a bunch of old dead guys, and decide to blow this popsicle stand, taking a pensive moment to mourn all the casualties they’ve suffered, both Wildling and Wall Watcher (but mostly Wildling).
Leaving home may be hard, but leaving Hardhome just got REALLY easy.
But then, Jon makes the mistake of making eye contact with the White Walker’s REAL leader. And he is one smug bastard. To White Walker King’s credit, I don’t think I’ve met a zombie with this much personality since last Tuesday night on the CW.
OK, so maybe I don’t hate ALL zombies, just the unattractive ones that threaten my life.
So, this head zombie . . . he just smiles at his new nemesis Jon, the guy who killed his second-in-command, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons, raises his arms up to the heavens like it’s no big thing, and literally WAKES THE DEAD including that poor nice Wildling mom from before, who actually happens to be a very comely zombie . . .
This is a good look for you!
Now, Jon Snow not only knows nothing, he’s also SEVERELY out numbered, and severely screwed.
It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).
Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.
And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .
But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?
OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?
Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?
Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?
Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?
Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?
Everybody will get to eat more chicken?
Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?
Oh yeah, Caroline . . . it’s happening, all right!
Oh, my dear sweet Fangbangers! How I’ve missed you, during this one week interminable hiatus. And what an episode to come back to! Let’s see, there was another Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, Mini Gilbert hopped a ride on the Crazy Train, Klaus got all mushy gushy over a teeny tiny bird with a big nose, and . . . wait . . . I know I’m forgetting something. Hmmm . . . what could it be?
Was it about Nosebleed Bonnie?
Nahh . . . she wasn’t even in this episode. Good riddens!
How about that dead hybrid from last week? Did he return as zombie to exact revenge on our Scooby Gang?
Nope . . . not him either.
Oh, I remember now! DAMON AND ELENA HAD SEX . . . WITH EACH OTHER.
I’ve really gotta lay off on the capital letters . . . and the caffeine.
Anywhoo . . . let’s rewind a little bit, so we can see how it all went down. [By the way, welcome back, Andre! Many thanks for the rockin’ screencaps . . .]
Stefan and Caroline: Gossip Girls
“She dumped me, Bro! And now I have this strange urge to write bad poetry, and cheesy diary entries, while showing off my muscular physique to no one in particular.”
“Wait . . . don’t you do that every week?”
Everybody needs a good girlfriend. And I’m not speaking in a romantic context either. We all need someone we can call, after a bad day, who will listen to us, while we bitch and moan about our mean teachers, our awful bosses, and our inconsiderate significant others . . . someone who will say to us, “Hey Girl! You are SO right. That guy of yours is total toolbox. You can do so much better than him” . . . even if it isn’t exactly . . . like . . . true and stuff.
“That bitch! I’m going to totally kick her ass. How dare she dump one bloodthirsty vampire for another one? I’m going to really give her a piece of my mind . . . once I get back from my hot date with the evilest, most bloodthirsty vampire on the planet.”
Damon used to have that with Alaric . . .
. . . you know, before Alaric went psycho and started trying to murder Damon on a regular basis. Stefan sort of had that with his boy toy Klaus.
“You can be my bodyguard. And I can be your long lost pal. I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can CALLL MEEEE KLAUUUUSSSS, call me Klaus.”
But, let’s be honest, their relationship was always more homoerotic than it was mutually supportive. So, as much as I was annoyed by Caroline’s and Stefan’s “Mean Girls” act this week, seeing Stefan bitch and complain about being dumped by Elena to Caroline was probably the most “human” thing I’ve seen the guy do in about three seasons.
Make that the second most Human Thing. Looking goood, Steffy!
For once, Stefan wasn’t busy being either “good and honorable” or “ravenous and psychotic.” He was just the girl who didn’t get asked to the prom by the high school quarterback. So, instead, he stayed home crying to his girlfriends (who also didn’t have dates), while shoving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down his throat.
Well, except for the fact that given how ripped Saint Stefan is, it’s pretty clear to me that Paul Wesley has never met Ben or Jerry, in his entire life.
But hey . . . it’s a start right?
Speaking of Mean Girls, whoa Caroline! When exactly did your Season 1 self come back to literally bite you in the ass? For someone who spent the entire episode bitching about how much Elena had changed, since she went full on vamp, Caroline sure was acting like someone other than the Perky Little Vampire Barbie we had all come to know and love. Perhaps, Bonnie’s absence left an opening in the show’s obligatory “Judgy Girl / Cockblock Quota.”
Whatever the reason, Caroline was 100% Regina Georging Elena for most of the episode, disregarding her choice of men, her choice of clothes (more on that later), and even her personality. Honestly, I kept waiting for Elena to show up at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant wearing sweat pants, so that Caroline could banish her from the lunch table.
Oh wait . . . I forgot, these kids only actually attend school once every two months. So, lunch tables are not an option . . . In other romance news . . .
Klaus whispers sweet nothings in Stefan’s ear, causing sexual frustration in our “hero”
That Klaus sure is one kinky vamp, isn’t he? Here we have Stefan, in his tight bodice-busting wife beater tee, just brooding, and minding his own business. Then, out comes Klaus to put his big manly arms around Stefan, place his lips near his neck, and whisper in his ear, all the naughty things he will do to him, if Stefan doesn’t obey the elder vampire’s desires (i.e. make Jeremy a mass murderer so the Etch-a-Sketch on his arm produces more of those pretty pictures Klaus adores so much . . . but no ponies, unfortunately).
Talk about tough love! A ridiculously small part of me really did believe that these two were going to hump, right there in the woods like the sexy savage beasts they are. But instead, Klaus leaves Stefan with a massive case of these . . .
Dumped by his girlfriend, denied by his gay lover, can you really blame Stefan for being a little snippy with his brother, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome?
DAMON: “You’re bitchy today! Who crawled up your ass and died?”
STEFAN: “Not Klaus or Elena, that’s for sure.”
DAMON: “Bummer, you should see if Matt Donovan is free . . .”
My how the tables have turned! This time around it’s Stefan, offering up the half-cocked, impulsive plan that’s going to put everyone’s lives in jeopardy, while Damon is being the more conservative one, opting in favor of protecting Jeremy’s life and his sanity, over the quick fix of using his hunter mark to rescue Elena, no matter how many people get hurt in the process.
“I know, it kind of surprised me too.”
And while for three seasons, Damon has bore the brunt of his Elena-sized rejection with quiet broodiness, and pleasant self-deprecation, Stefan is just one big ole’ sour grape about the whole thing. “Don’t pretend like this isn’t the best day of your entire life,” Stefan remarks snidely, when Damon expresses sympathy toward his brother over the breakup.
In Stefan’s defense, while Damon might look calm and collected on the outside, upon hearing this news, on the inside, I suspect he’s doing this . . .
. . . and this . . .
. . . and maybe even a little of this . . .
Meanwhile, back at the pageant . . .
This is your brain on Professor Boo Radley (and these are your muscles on Vampire Hunter Steroids) . . .
“GRRRRR!”
“Rawrrrrrrrr”
Matty LIKE!
Apparently, having a new nifty new tattoo has turned Jeremy into the frat party version of a super hero. He LIFTS HEAVY KEGS with a single orgasmic grunt. Matt pretends to be concerned about Jeremy’s “mental health” and stuff. But you know that deep down he’s impressed, kind of jealous, and a little bit turned on . . .
Meanwhile, even feuding femme fatales, Caroline and Elena, agree that Professor Boo Radley is mega creepy, and always seems to be putting his annoyingly curly head of hair where it isn’t wanted. Therefore, it’s a kind of a good thing Damon wants to kill him, right?
He even has serial killer eyebrows . . .
Speaking of making a killing . . .
Eeny, Meeny, Miney, MURDER!
Stefan’s scouring the hospital for humans with a very specific set of medical conditions. At first, I assume that this little hunting trip was brought on by breakup-induced stress eating . . .
But nope. Stefan’s looking for “bad people” to turn, just like Elena was looking for “bad frat brothers” to much on, during her campus excursion with Damon, a few weeks back. After all, everyone knows that Bad People taste better (much more flavor!).
Stefan finds what he’s looking for in a hospitalized killer who completely lacks remorse for his misdeeds. You know, kind of like Stefan and the rest of the Scooby Gang, when they killed Poor Hybrid Chris to cure Elena of Night Terrors. Stefan promptly turns Killer Guy, into a vamp, in hopes that he can later force Jeremy kill him.
“You will MAKE OUT WITH MY ARM, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, BITCH! In case you haven’t heard, my girlfriend dumped me, and I haven’t had sex in two weeks. I’ll take what I can get.”
And hey, if doing that just so happens to transform Jer Bear into a raging lunatic, so be it. Because . . . let’s all say it together now . . . WE’RE DOING IT TO SAVE ELENA!
Except, here’s a new wrinkle in that plan . . . This time, Elena doesn’t really need saving, you know, being IMMORTAL, and stuff . . .
Because unlike CRAZY!DERANGED! Elena, Caroline doesn’t have a thing for Bad Boys at all . . . does she?
Oh Sweet Caroline! You aren’t fooling anyone with your “Go away I’m busy,” “Don’t buy me dresses,” act with Klaus. Everybody knows you want to hit that hybrid booty, and hit it HARD.
“Do you think he’s looking at me? He’s TOTALLY looking at me. Play it cool, Caroline. Maybe he won’t notice that you’re reading your clipboard upside down . . .”
And hey, none of us blame you for looking. That smirk of Klaus’ could melt the polar ice caps.
But you know what they say. Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t pick on Elena for lusting after a bad boy, when you are lusting after a worse one.
Wait. . . that’s now how it goes . . . Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t . . . be hypocrites? No, that’s not it either. Ooh nevermind.
But my poor analogies have purpose! They actually bring me to two rather interesting, and oddly parallel, scenes in our story: one featuring Lady Elena, and the other starring none other than Caroline Forbes herself . . .
The Tale of the Tell Tale Dress and the Phallic-Looking Bird
“Hey Caroline. We’re supposed to be helping April pick out a dress. Stop staring at my boobs.”
April Young is running for Miss Mystic Falls, like Elena and Caroline before her. I suspect we are supposed to like care or something. But I’m still having difficulty getting invested in April. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep waiting for her to get brutally murdered.
Also, I want Matt to be with Rebekah. There, I said it. Matt is just such a “nice guy,” and April is such a “nice girl.” And as “nice” as it would be if they were a couple, it would probably . . . no, definitely . . . put me to sleep watching them on my screen.
But I’m not here to talk about Matt and April, or even Matt and Rebekah, for that matter. I’m here to talk about Elena, and her reaction to April’s choice of dress. At first, she agrees with Caroline, and is all about the blue. Then Damon swoops in, and suddenly she’s agreeing with him, and she’s all about the red.
“Because Red is the color of Blood. And if you look like Blood, everyone in this town will want to eat you. And, in case you haven’t noticed, we all equate eating with sexual attraction around here . . .”
Now, of course Caroline is morally aghast by the whole situation. Later on, she’ll use it as evidence that Elena is “sired” to Damon.
I don’t know, I just see it as evidence, that Elena doesn’t have many strong opinions about fashion. I mean, Caroline certainly didn’t accuse Elena of being sired to her, when she agreed to her choice of dress, did she? Beyond that, I’d just say that Elena was acting like a girl who’s recently discovered she has a crush. We’ve all been in those first stages of puppy love, before, haven’t we? Suddenly, everything this person does is friggin adorable, and every word out of their mouth is pure gold.
There’s nothing supernatural about it. Sometimes a dress is just a dress . . . Now, a hummingbird . . . that’s another story . . .
Remember that time when Klaus told a dying Caroline this beautiful, inspirational, story about the perks of being a vampire, and that same story inspired her to LIVE?
Well, this hummingbird story wasn’t that. So, wait, let me get this straight. Big bad Klaus decided he envied humanity, all because some bird with a big schnoz looked at him cockeyed?
Shake that ass, humming bird! Klaus loves you!
Really? That’s funny, because, last I checked HUMANS AREN’T BIRDS!
And yet, as Klaus’ date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Caroline just ate that stupid hummingbird story up, like it was delicious blood-covered chocolate brownie. And why? Because puppy love can make you approve of some very stupid things . . .
“That bird story is the stupidest crap I ever heard.”
“But you’re so yummy. Wait . . . tell me that amazing story about the bird again.”
Think about THAT the next time you are Judgy McJudgersoning Elena, CareBear . . .
Speaking of puppy love . . .
Elena confesses! Damon swoons! Professor Boo Radley cockblocks!
Yes, yes, yes. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since we saw it in last week’s promos. Elena calls out to Damon from the top of that romantic spiral staircase. She meets him at the bottom, and finally confesses to him the words that this vampire has arguably been waiting to hear for about 150 years, from the girl who looks like Nina Dobrev, and whose name is alternately Katherine and Elena. She has FEELINGS FOR HIM!
She dumped STEFAN for him!
She may even . . . wait for it . . . LOVE HIM! And just in time for the holidays too . . .
I just loved seeing Damon’s expression, upon hearing this. I love how he didn’t even really try to play it cool, and casual, like he usually does. Damon was overcome with emotion. He was ecstatic. He was . . . just like every Delena fan watching at home . . . minus the girly screams, and the screechy choruses of “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWD!”
And then that bastard Boo Radley had to come and frack it all up. KILL HIM ALREADY, WILL YOU WRITERS! I don’t care if he’s Silas!
“Look, Damon and Elena are having a Moment. This looks like a job for COCKBLOCK OF THE WEEK, MWAH-HA HA!”
Damon leaves to have a little conversation with Mr. Creeper Man. And it’s a pretty typical scene, where the pair shower one another with innuendo, and thinly-veiled threats. YAWN! Professor Boo Radley bores me. More Delena please . . .
In, more exciting, non-Boo Radley, related news . . .
Mini Gilbert pops his vampire killing cherry . . . again.
“Why can’t I just have wet dreams, like normal teenage boys?”
“In my dreams, this was much bigger . . . just like my weiner.”
Poor JerBear . . . he’s having dreams about murdering his sister. I wonder, maybe if the Scooby Gang kills a hybrid, they can cure him of these night terrors. Oh wait . . . we only do that for Elena. When it comes to Mini Gilbert, we do things to make him MORE crazy, not less. To his credit, Jeremy definitely seems morally aghast by his own unfulfilled desires. But then his “bro” Stefan texts him. And he ditches out on the Miss Mystic Falls pageant to go see him about killing a newbie vamp.
“Remind me to delete this asshole from my contacts list. He’s always getting me into trouble.“
Stefan was a real jerk, in this scene, wasn’t he? The way he manipulated Jeremy into making the kill, knowing full well that there was a major possibility that doing it would turn our mild mannered former emo kid into, as Damon cleverly put it, “Connor 2.0?”
Was I the only one who was cheering just a little bit, when Jeremy, not only didn’t show Stefan his pretty new tattoo, but immediately turned on the vampire, and staked his ass? Come on, admit it, dude had it coming . . .
I find the way the writers dealt with Jeremy’s Vampire Hunter transformation interesting. It was as if, the minute he killed vampire number 2, the guy became a completely different person . . . like he was a man possessed . . . like he had an alter ego . . . like his former self lacked free will over him . . . like he was Evil!Alaric . . .
And it kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy Connor was, before he became a vampire hunter . . .
While Jeremy’s Presto Chango Personality Transformation made for good television drama, part of me wished for a little more subtlety, and gradual metamorphosis, on the character’s part. I find this is a frequent complaint I have with the show. I recall having made similar comments about Stefan’s “ripperness” and Alaric’s “psycho-ness,” not long before. And here is my general feeling. When you give a character an “alter ego,” you enable him or her to disclaim complete responsibility for all acts committed while in that state. And that gives your characters a sort of moral “easy out” clause, that I don’t necessarily think they deserve.
Part of me would much prefer to see Jeremy gradually struggle with his feelings about vampires, and the ways they conflict with the love he has for his family and friends. But that’s just me . . .
And the winner is . . . zzzzz
Meh . . . I would have gone with the blue dress.
April won. Jeremy bailed at the last minute, because he was out being “naughty,” just like Stefan was, back in Season 1. Matt then stepped into Damon’s Season 1’s shoes, by acting as April’s last-minute Knight in Shining Kmart suit. Plotwise, it did little to advance the main story. But it was a kind of clever way to send up, one of the most popular episode’s in the show’s first season.
Not to mention, those looks that Damon and Elena were giving one another, as they recalled their days of Unrequited Passion / Mating Dance past? PRICELESS . . .
Breaking Bones and Taking Numbers
“Hurry up and break your sire bond, already. I want to watch Honey Boo Boo!”
I like Hayley. I really do. I know I’ve bitched about not warming to April. But I started enjoying Phoebe Tonkin’s part in this series, almost as soon as she appeared. Maybe it’s because I liked her in The Secret Circle. Maybe it’s because she’s just a good actress. Or maybe I like her tension with Tyler and Caroline, and feel like she’s the type of “tough girl” we don’t see enough on this show. Whatever the reason, I thought the scenes where she boredly “coached” that hybrid chick through breaking her sire bond were pretty darn hilarious.
Not for this chick though, I imagine . . .
And I was disappointed at the end of the episode, when I learned that she was in CAHOOTS (love that cheesy word), with the detestable BOO RADLEY. And no, the fact that she begged for “Tyler not to get hurt,” did little to endear her in my eyes. You know what they say, you lie down with creepers, you start giving people the creeps.
So, I hope they redeem this chick soon . . . and not just by making her die a dramatic death, as they tend to do on this show.
Speaking of Boo . . .
Shane, Shane, we know your name “It’s Silas Professor Boo Radley.”
Evil eyebrows at work again . . .
So, now we have a reason to keep Boo Radley alive . . . umm yay?
So, basically his whole connection to this thing is that he can make Bonnie Bennett regain her witchy powers, so that she can help find the “cure” to vampirism . . . because apparently the Map Tattoo and pretty stake aren’t enough.
Wait a minute . . . is THAT A HUMMINGBIRD ON HIS SHOULDER?
Ugh! So, in other words, we’ve yoked a character I don’t like to another character I don’t like. And had that same first yucky character (Boo) taint a character I actually DO like (Hayley).
GO AWAY SHANE!
So, much for that whole “not murdering your sister” thing, huh, Jer Bear?
Things get pretty tense when Elena finds her brother at the Salvatore mansion, all bloody and stuff, from killing That Guy. Long story short, she vamps out, he stabs her neck . . . (perhaps as payback for the time when she killed him last week). Matt comes to save the day, which was nice of him, I guess, since Elena’s saved him quite a few times.
All kidding aside, I thought the scene was pretty nicely done, in the sense that it was TRULY shocking to see Jeremy revert to a character this depraved, almost on the drop of a dime.
At the end of the episode, Jeremy plans to leave town, so he won’t, you know, kill his sister and stuff. But Savior Matt convinces him to stay, and promises to “watch out for him.” Personally, I think that’s a terrible idea. Matt Donovan couldn’t “watch out” for a half-empty beer keg, and he’s supposed to prevent Jeremy from murdering all the undead in Mystic Falls?
It will make for a good story though, I guess . . .
And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (if you are a Delena fan, at least)
So, with Jeremy staying at La Casa Gilbert, Brush-with-Death Elena finds herself without a home. And though she could probably just check into a hotel, or stay with Bonnie or Caroline, she decides to make an already awkward situation that much more awkward, by moving into the Salvatore House, with the guy she dumped, and the guy she wants to bone, both under the same roof.
It’s like that old 70s show Three’s Company, only with lots of biting, and less Suzanne Somers . . .
But then Stefan decides to move out, thereby giving Elena and Damon about 20 free rooms, not to mention a ton of bathrooms, in which to screw at their leisure. I LOVE IT!
Damon and Elena sit by the fire, where they’ve had many an intense conversation in the past. She makes a really good point, when she notes how all her so-called friends have been judging her, telling her she’s not as good of a person, as a vampire, and trying to cure her of the person she’s become.
But it seems like, finally, whereas Elena spent the first few weeks of her vampirism mired in self-loathing, she’s now coming to terms with who she’s become, and is OK with it. It’s like she said to Stefan in an earlier scene. “You don’t have to love me like this,” because, at least it’s implied “I love myself.”
Who would have thought it would take vampirism to convert Elena into a role model for positive teen self esteem? I think that’s what Damon means, when he tells her that he’s never seen her more alive. Things get romantic and sticky sweet, when the pair decide to relive their EPIC Mystic Falls dance. Only whereas last time, the pair weren’t allowed to touch one another, this time, the dance ends with a dip and a passionate kiss.
And then they pretty much bone one another’s brains out . . .
In short, it was F*&KING AMAZING, after 3 years to finally watch these two F*&K. LONGEST FOREPLAY EVER. And while certain “other things,” happened during the scene to taint it’s “purity.” I choose to view it the way the person who made this video did . . .
HALLELUJAH!
Yes, yes, I know, the REAL SEX SCENE was inter cut by a high strung Caroline and smug Stefan chalking Elena’s newfound vampire urges up to a “sire bond,” but I’m trying not to let that get to me.
Blah, blah, blah, interrupting my Delena sex blah . . .
To me, chalking up Elena’s inability to drink blood from a bag to her supernatural connection with Damon, as opposed to her status as a vampire, is simply replacing one far-fetched mythology for another. It doesn’t change things for me. Many vampire tales, the TVD book series included, have posited the “blood bond,” as a reason for closeness between vampires and their mates. And this supernatural anomaly hasn’t managed to foil the genuine closeness of the couple, in those situations. And I hope the writers won’t cop out, and allow it to do so here.
Aside from which, this so-called sire bond between Damon and Elena, is clearly very different from the one Klaus has with his hybrids, as Hayley explains, earlier in the episode. Tyler and company yoked to Klaus, not because they wanted to get into his pants (though some of them might have), but because they “appreciated,” his freeing them from the pain of monthly transformation. And yet, they must not have “appreciated” him all that much, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so intent to break the sire bond, in the first place.
“HAHA! Gotcha writers . . .”
Elena “appreciates” Damon too. But she does so because he’s been accepting of her new self, when no one else she cares about has. She appreciates how he loves her, unconditionally, whether she’s human or vampire, pristine or monstrous. And she also appreciates him because well . . . he’s hot and sexy. Let’s be honest.
So, if Stefan wants to make himself feel better about the breakup, by chalking it up to a once-in-a-lifetime siring, good for him.
But I for one, hope that Elena and Damon see this through to the end, sire bond, or no sire bond. And that, if such a bond does exist, that Elena finds a way to break it, so that she can prove to herself that her love for Damon is pure, just as Book Elena and Sookie Stackhouse have done before her . . .
But hey, enough about all this mythology crap, Delena fans. Let’s just bask in the glory of the fact that our SHIP FINALLY HAD SEX. HOORAY! Next time on TVD . . .
“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour. What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake? Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party . . .”
Greetings, Upper East Siders! You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent. But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves. Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.
“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”
For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging. Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .
. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.
“Donnnn worry, Recapah! I’ll be baaaaaacck!”
Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .
Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson
When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .
He had also started dating Serena, because . . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically. (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.) When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening boning checking out the “sights of New York.” And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .
(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)
Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor. (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.) McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps. McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him. And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.
“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'”
Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).
“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this? SUCKA!”
Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know Call Me SerenaLying Poopyhead Ivy.
Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH!
When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS. OMG! It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .
Jack Bauer does not approve.
Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it. But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .
“This is my Sweet Face.”
Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones. So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms. (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde. I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes. Sorry Rufus . . . and Chuck . . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)
In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.
“Shut up, Carol! Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?”
Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist. She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.” But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer. (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)
“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”
On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky. And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .
“Ummm . . . hi Real Charlie. Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'”
Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .
How does her head not topple over?
. . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy. (Are you confused yet? Because I sure am!)
And this dress confuses me most of all . . .
Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells. Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend. She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that . . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.
One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam. And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.
*clears throat loudly*
Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .
What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.
MAX: “Jesus! Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me? CeCe?”
MAX: “I take that as a YES!”
So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.
What can I say? Greed is good!
But don’t fret my Cece lovers. As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing). One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story. And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .
“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?”
But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie. If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete. This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money. McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.
But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom. And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.” He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.
But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!
Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her. What a sweetheart! No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.
“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.”
You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related. But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .
Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets. No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him! He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!” (Well, he’s a chef. So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)
“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH! Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . . . never mind.”
No matter. Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat. I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY]. Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!
Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . .
And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity. By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now. And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser. But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore. I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally, creepy cartoon super villian style.
“MWAH-HAHAHA! I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”
Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.
The Spectator: It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!
One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense. But alas, this was not that day.
“DOH!”
On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ. So, that’s nice for him . . . I guess. Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.
“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”
Those of us like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool ended up being sorely disappointed this week. As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.
Mini- Matt Lauer
Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana. No SIR! He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning. (Neon green . . . FYI). He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or ask nicely.
Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!
All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him. Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.” After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?
“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.”
But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST. So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.
Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him. Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story. Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before. “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.
“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena. Still banging guest stars, who look like me?”
And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous. Am I the only one?
Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic. But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it. Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.” But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works. And why not? He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.
Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.” I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me. It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.
YUMMY!
Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.
Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .
Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell. “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.
Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).
Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)
Oh, Donut Dan! How the not-so-mighty hath fallen! One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.
The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.
I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis. After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo and Raccoon Zombies . . .
. . . losing two would be downright depressing.
But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf like he did last week.
He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone. Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.
“CABLE GUY!!!!!”
(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)
Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . .
And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant. Surprise! The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.
Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants?
At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings. But, no such luck. As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction. (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)
To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do. Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.
“Oh DAN!” (bats eyelashes) “You naughty little Tweeter, you!”
I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets. So, he took over, and started insulting himself. (Self-hatred RULES!)
Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys. In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.
“Come on! Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!”
(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job. We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)
Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud. I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .
Target demographic for Dan’s book . . .
And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .
Blair is sad because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN. Wouldn’t you be sad too?. She is wearing a sad orange dress. She also has a sad ponytail in her hair. Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him. That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.
“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .”
Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!
This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .
. . . to get inside his pants head to figure out how he “turned good,” so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.
Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.
Monogrammed yoga mats!
Queen B is shocked and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady. She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.” (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.” You know what that means? She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)
To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world, is known as “couples counseling.”
During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.
“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1. Now THAT was EPIC!”
He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck, whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass. (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)
Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go. How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.
“Diagnose THIS!”
But nope. This is a SERIOUS Chair episode. And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of stupidity closure, if ever there was one.
He tells her to call Harry Winston and check. And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT. I know, because that someone was me.
But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission. It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again. And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?
Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding. (How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes? Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.) He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring. (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!) “You asked me to let you go, so I did. I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”
Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry. (Well . . . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.) She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers. This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom. (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))
I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.” And “[Her] love kept him alive.” But desperate times call for desperate measures. And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all. After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place. What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?
Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest. He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes. Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love. But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.
“I just want you to be happy Blair. I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”
This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom. (See? SHE’S Team Chair too!) Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t, in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.
Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man. Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.
Ahhhh, much better.
As usual, Westwick and Meester bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being. You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:
The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth. Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair. He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner. “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one. I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully. NO! YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE. YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK. DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!
“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”
And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered. “Do you still love her?” He asks.
Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance. “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.
*sigh*
If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.” (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time. Does that make me unpatriotic?)
What’s that I see? Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B. Can I get a HELL YEAH? (I don’t know. It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing. Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)
Here’s the American Promo. See what YOU think?
Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.
Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday. So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below. Until then, XOXO!
[ Your recap for Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition” is on it’s way! Check back for it later this evening (E.S.T.) XOXO!]
For the record, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a spinoff of Gossip Girl, consisting entirely of Chuck Bass, staring sexily at the camera, and insulting a Drunken Humpty Humphrey, while the latter mumbles incoherently about nothing in particular . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl, we learned that making major changes in your life, often requires action. But, sometimes, the most heroic thing to do in a particular situation is nothing at all. We also learned that, Chuck is more than willing to share his apartment, his flask, his pot, and his hookers with his friends . . .
But he always saves his Monkey for himself . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
You’ve Been E-vited to the Shower of the Century . . .
Hooray, it’s Blair’s Wedding Shower! This is a time for us to celebrate the wonder that is how Blair has somehow managed to stay engaged to Louis-bot, despite the fact that (1) he was obviously created by a mad scientist in a lab, somewhere; (2) no one ever understands one f*&king word he says; and (3)the remaining few mildly redeeming aspects of his personality vanished about four episodes ago. Party Planner Serena feverishly makes preparations for the Big Event.
Being human and having a personality is overrated, anyway.
Meanwhile Chuck (who wasn’t invited to the Shower, thanks to a certain HOT AND HEAVY makeout fest with the guest of honor, last week) . . .
*sigh*
. . . walks his Monkey . . .
“Oh, dammit! Not these little b*tches, again. And what the hell is that one in pink wearing on her head?”
. . . and is forced to field insults from those runty Mini GG’ers that the writers randomly throw into the show about once every season (possibly to appeal to that all-important under-10 demographic).
In all fairness, the one on the right DOES bare a striking resemblance to Blake Lively . . .
I actually found them really funny, the first two times they appeared. Now, when Chuck half-heartedly sicks the docile Monkey on them (telling the girl’s the dog’s been forced to attack fake Prada, no less), a part of me hopes the canine goes temporarily insane, and bites their little heads off.
“That’s what you get for insulting my Master!”
Speaking of insulting, elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Lily and Rufus are laughing hysterically at Donut Dan, who has, once again, been called out by Gossip Girl for being a total loser.
“I told you! This is why I always insist on wearing a bag over my head, whenever we go out in public with your son.”
“You are SO not getting a signed copy of my book, MOM!”
He hasn’t been invited to Blair’s party either. This is because he once wrote a fanfiction starring himself, in which he and Blair made mad passionate Humpty Humphrey love. And that fanfiction just so happened to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list, for about two minutes, thereby totally humiliating Blair. (Smut fanfiction has always been the most popular kind, after all.)
“I ended up calling my book, Inside. But the working title was actually, Dan Humphrey: Sex God.”
Oh, did I mention that Louis-bot is back from his episode long hiatus, having been refurbished with a brand new battery pack, and an even more bizarre-sounding language chip?
“I caammm barink geeefts to show my wuv to yuuuu, Blayerrr.”
“Huh?”
Case in point: by way of apology, he bought Blair “boo-atles of purrrrfoooom, whiz shee kin smizsch un heez hiz hid, if she leaks” (a.k.a. bottles of perfume, which she can smash on his head, if she likes.)
Louis promises Blair that his time away has left him a changed man. (I mean, they have replaced his batteries, after all!) But then, not one minute later, he’s already bashing on all Blair’s friends, and trying to isolate her from them, claiming that they don’t have her “bist intwest acht haurrrt” (a.k.a. best interests at heart).
“Oh, you mean because they paid off a shrink to try and make my ex-boyfriend go nuts, even if that meant he might hurt me, in the process? Oh, wait . . . that was YOU!”
As evidence of this, Louis-bot shows Blair a GG blast about her recent Paternity Test debacle, claiming that since HE didn’t write it, one of her friends probably did.
Of course, as anyone who’s ever had to suffer through a Lifetime movie can tell you, this is textbook future wife-beater behavior. In other words, Blair, RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!
Since Louis-bot has already planted the seeds of doubt in her head, as to her friends’ party planning abilities, Blair becomes damn-near suicidal when her minions accidentally / on-purpose let it slip that Blair’s shower invitation was sent via e-vite . . .
. . . with instructions to wear jeans . . .
. . . because Greek food will be served from a nearby grease truck . . .
OH THE HORROR of casual dining. (I’m not even sure Blair owns a pair of jeans!) It’s a wonder our bride-to-be didn’t immediately toss herself off the roof of the Hotel Empire.
Of course, it’s a very good thing she didn’t. I mean, obviously, we don’t want Blair to kill herself. (How would we ever get our Chair Happy Ending, if that happened?) But also, the party ended up being totally awesomesauce, and not at all how the girls meanly led Blair to think it would be . . . (More on that later.)
But, since we are on the subject of Blair. What the hell kind of outfit was she wearing during the entire first half of the show? She looked like a cross between Barbara Bush and a human Christmas Tree?
That said, her dress for the bridal shower kind of rocked. (I think.) So I’m willing to let this temporary lapse into fashion victim-ism slide . . .
MAX-imum Trouble for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena
The problem with having three different names, is that you never know who you are exactly, until someone calls you by one of them.
Just ask Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who becomes deeply confused (not to mention royally screwed), when ex-boyfriend Max comes a-stalking, and starts blabbing his mouth off to Lily about Charlie, not really being Charlie (or Call Me Serena, for that matter). As far as Max is concerned, Charlie is Ivy. And, as far as Ivy is concerned, Max is a DEAD MAN!
“Conveniently, one of my multiple personalities just so happens to be a serial killer named Bubba Chainsaw.”
Fortunately, for Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, she’s way smarter than she looks. Girlfriend comes up with an actually-pretty-convincing story for Lily (and Max), about how her riches-hating mama forced her to pick-up a separate identity, just to make sure no one used her for her trust-fund baby status.
“Good one . . . Char . . . Iv . . . whatever the hell your name is!”
Suddenly, Lily’s feeling all guilty, as she hugs her faux-niece, and speechifies about how she should never feel like she has to hide her true identity, and blah-blah-blah. Lily is officially a moron. For a few seconds there, I thought I was watching the last few minutes of a Very Special Episode of that old sitcom, Full House.
“Well, this is awkward . . . Why didn’t the trusty doorman tell me they were filming an After School Special in here?”
(“You just be yourself, D.J. Tanner Faux Charlie! Your REAL friends will like you for who you are . . . or . . . in this case . . . who you pretend to be.”)
Alone in Faux Charlie’s room, Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena offers to give Max $50,000 to start his own restaurant in Seattle, as a consolation prize for no longer being able to f*&k her. Max seems pretty cool with the offer, which doesn’t say much for faux-Charlie’s skills in the sack.
“Hmm . . . let me think about this . . . lots of cash OR mediocre sex with crazy lying b*tch . . . CHECK PLEASE!”
But later, Max randomly gets let into the van der Woodsen apartment by the WORST DOORMAN EVER, and starts digging around faux-Charlie’s things. There, he conveniently finds a playbill for a local show on which “Ivy” and “Carol Rhodes” (faux-Charlie’s so-called mother) worked together in Florida. Ruh Roh!
Consider all of your personalities officially busted . . .
Then, an Evil Lightbulb goes off in his brain . . . (insert maniacal laugh here) . . .
Max McPoorPerson decides to stick around the Upper East Side, after all. In fact, he might even have a shot at having sex with Serena! (Why not, everyone else does?) Oh, and why just ask for $50,000 to keep your ex-girlfriend’s dirty little secret, when you can ask for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .
The Scandalous E-mails of Manhattan’s Elite
Hey, did you know that this whole ridiculous The Spectator storyline was just an extremely overy complicated plot by Nate’s grandfather to get his son a real job . . . one that didn’t involve him sticking his head up the ass of some 40ish cougar? Oops. So, much for that!
“There aren’t any great-grand kids I should know about are there?”
Anywhoo, Nate’s grandpa gives Mamacita Diana an ultimatum: make your lame online tabloid successful, and set Nate up as it’s fearless leader, ASAP or else I’ll tell everyone your CHUCK’S MOM! Interestingly enough, it’s actually Nate who comes up with the key to making grandpoppy’s plot a resounding success, when Eric VDW’s ex beau Jonathan somehow hacks into Gossip Girl’s e-mail and finds a database containing every piece of information anyone has ever sent to her EVER.
“See . . . contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart . . . S- M-R-T (That spells smart, by the way.)!”
Nate tells Serena about this. And Serena’s all “HELL NO! I send Gossip Girl mean and nasty e-mails about you people, everyday! You can’t publish this! It will make me look like a total asshat!”
Nate agrees. But then Diana is magically lurking around the office when he has his conversation, and learns everything. When Nate begs Diana not to publish “All the Pretty Sources” (see what I did there), Diana immediately assumes that Nate is only looking out for himself, because HE has sent so many salacious e-mails to Gossip Girl, over the years. But when she does a search for his name, she finds . . . wait for it . . . NOTHING . . . NOT ONE E-MAIL.
Nate Archibald is a GOOD MAN! HALLELUJAH! Either that, or, instead of sending e-mails to Gossip Girl using his real, FULL NAME, because that would be STUPID (Seriously, what’s WRONG with these people? Why the hell would you trust GOSSIP GIRL, of all people, not to reveal you as a source), he’s the only one who was smart enough to send his GG blasts, through the anonymous moniker, CougarLover69@gmail.com.
“Actually, the real reason I never sent any info to Gossip Girl is that I never learned how to type. My maids always did that for me.”
Inspired by Nate’s angelic tendencies and large weiner a genuinely lovestruck Diana calls Grandpoopy Archibald, hoping to call off the whole thing. Unfortunately for Diana, Silly Serena was SO SCARED people would find out how much sh*tty stuff she said about her friends to Gossip Girl over the years, that she LEFT HER WEB BROWSER OPEN when she went to the bathroom, allowing Louis-bot to see EVERYTHING!
“Heylooo, Serrenaaaa. I haf coome to keeel yer freend-sheep wit Blayerrr.”
And, of course, because Louis-bot is secretly the greatest computer hacker of ALL TIME, he immediately publicizes the sources list, ALL BY HIMSELF. (They must teach this at finishing school in Monaco!) In doing this, Louis-bot pretty much singlehandedly RUINS his wife-to-be’s bridal shower (More on that, in a bit.), and pretty much pees on her reputation in the process. (Nice going, DOOFUS!)
“BAD ROBOT!”
But back to Nate . . . . he walks in on Diana’s and Grandpoopy’s scheming. Nate’s discovery causes Diana, who now think’s Nate is just dreamy (and, of course, doesn’t want her dirty little Bass-tard secrets to come pouring out – Gossip Girl style) to take the blame for publicizing the sources list.
“Grandpaaaa! The bad lady had sex with me, and made me have trust issues!”
Nate is FURIOUS that he has been betrayed, as evidenced by his FURROWED BROW OF ANGUISH.
“You are giving me premature wrinkles, Diana. (I plan to send you a bill for my Botox, in about ten years. Just so you know.)”
No more Sex in the Spectator Room, for Diana, that’s for sure! Grandpoopy then swoops in, like the HERO he is, to buy out Diana’s interest in The Spectator (which, of course, he already owns), and fire the Cougar Vamp, banishing her back to LA, where she belongs.
Grandpoopy then makes the worst business decision IN THE WORLD, by putting his twenty-year old Grandson, who, is actually still in college (though the show often tends to forget this fact), and has NO REAL WORK EXPERIENCE, WHATSOEVER (unless you count schtupping your boss as work) as the head of The Spectator. Then again, when you have more money than GOD, what’s one bad business decision (or ten) among family . . .
And now, for the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . .
Everything is just Duck-ie! (and Chair-y!)
A mopey Dan show up at his new bestie, Chuck’s apartment on the morning of Blair’s wedding shower-to-be. Donut Dan’s hope is that Chuck will be able to somehow get Humpty Humphrey’s mind off the fact that he basically sucks at life. At first, Chuck is not at all interested in the offer, much preferring to spend the day in the significantly more high class company of his adorable dog. “Would you be willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?” He asks wryly.
DAN: “Why, what’s wrong with my hair and clothes?”
CHUCK: *laughs until milk pours out of his nose*
Dan refuses, perhaps believing that his ridiculous hair is what gives him the power to write bad, but, surprisingly lucrative, fanfiction, and bed women who are significantly out of his league, like Serena but not like Manessa.
“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you,” replies Chuck.
But then he sees the newspaper article about Blair and Louis-bot’s upcoming nuptials, and decides he could really use some good human company . . . But since that’s not available to him at the moment, Donut Dan will have to do . . .
“GRRRRRRR! Death to all evil cyborgs with weird accents!”
In an adorable bromantic bonding moment, the pair get high and drunk together, while eating fancy catered snacks, and watching, of all things, The Matrix. (Because watching Clockwork Orange while stoned does strange things to Chuck’s perception. Who knew Chuck was a cinephile?)
DAN: “Take me, Chuck Bass. I’m yours!”
CHUCK: “Do you come with a refund policy?”
As Dan rambles on about how Serena has evilly banished him to outsider status by singlehandedly killing his movie deal, Chuck offers him some tough love. Basically, he tells his Fro-haired friend that if he wants to stop being an Outsider, he should stop painting himself as one, and start doing something with his life, aside from moping about Serena, and writing bad fanfiction.
To prove his point, Chuck hires two of his favorite hookers to bone Dan ( . . . . in Nate’s bedroom of course), while Chuck, once again, heads out to walk his dog. Now, THAT’S friendship!
But when Chuck returns, the hookers inform him that drunk Dan abandoned their asses, and is off to crash Blair’s wedding shower, and make a TOTAL ASS of himself, in the process.
*Sigh* Poor Chuck! All he wanted to do was get high and admire Keanu Reeves black leather pants and wooden dialogue delivery. Now, he’s gotta babysit a Drunk Humpty Humphrey AND witness his soul mate’s celebration of her upcoming nuptials to someone who is NOT HIM and not human.
Meanwhile, Blair and Louis-bot have just arrived at the shower. And Blair is pleasantly surprised to find that it isn’t a casual Greek food truck e-vite type event at all! In fact, it’s a TIFFANY-themed party, which pretty much confirms for Blair that her bestie Serena, knows her and loves her more than anyone else (except for maybe, Chuck). She has her best interests at heart, after all! (Take that, Louis-bot!)
“How does one say, ‘I told you so,’ in Robot?”
Serena is wearing a weird pink gift wrap ribbon in her hair. Also, her dress vaguely resembles a bunch of crumbled up pieces of the comic strip section of the New York Times, which have been hastily taped together around her ass.
But that doesn’t stop her from giving a really sweet and heartfelt speech in Blair’s honor . . . a speech that reminds us, once and for all, that, at it’s core, this is a show about friendship. “It is a true honor, just knowing you, B. You have become the strong confident princess I always knew you would,” says Serena, which, I must admit brought a tear or two to my eye.
As did the dead birds these girls were wearing in their hair . . .
By the way, WHERE THE HELL IS DOROTA?!!!
Oh, but lest we think this is a normal bridal shower, thrown by one best friend for another, Serena does something to remind us that, though it may be Non Judging, the Non Judging Breakfast Club, is, in fact, better than we are, because they are MUCH MUCH RICHER. At most bridal showers, the party favors are things like lame t-shirts with the bride-to-be’s name on it, or cheap ceramic mugs, with her picture on it. Not in the Upper East Side. For B’s Bridal Shower, everybody gets a Tiffany’s box, and one lucky person gets a TIFFANY RING.
The ring winner ends up being Cinderliar herself, Faux Charlie . . . which is probably a good thing, considering she’s going to need to hock that swaggy piece of jewelry to pay off her creepy stalker of an ex-boyfriend.
Meanwhile, everyone at Blair’s party has just gotten wind of the publication of the Gossip Girl source e-mail. And now they are all mad at the Guest of Honor for all the awful things she sent to Gossip Girl about THEM!
“But I only spread all those nasty rumors about you, because I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! (Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.)”
A mass exodus ensues. Then, Blair, being Blair immediately blames SERENA for doing the deed, just to RUIN THE PARTY SHE THREW. (Really, Blair? Really?) She claims that she and Serena were never really friends, after all.
Then, she finds out that her cyborg boyfriend was the one who leaked the sight (to show Blair how evil her friends were, or whatever), and feels like total sh*t for all the awful crap she just said to Serena, after Serena worked her comic-strip covered ass off to throw her the best party ever. Blair then confronts Louis-bot about what a horrible human being he is, and FINALLY begins to wonder whether she is making the wrong decision by marrying him.
(Blair, a word of advice to you: if it walks like a robot, and talks like a robot, and acts like an assh*le, you probably shouldn’t marry it.)
First she proves to Louis, using the GG site HE posted, that it was HIS sister, and not one of her friends that sent the blast about the paternity test. Then, she tells him that she needs time to think about the status of their already in the toilet relationship. “Look, people are leaving, perhaps, you should join them,” Blair insists, and it’s the SECOND most awesome thing she says all episode.
(We’ll get to the first, in just a bit . . .)
In the midst of all this, a drunken Dan crashes the party, while sipping freely from a flask he stole from Chuck’s apartment, bearing the latter’s initials on it’s front.
“Hello GG Extras, would any of you, by chance, be interested in having sex with a drunk,not-particularly-famous, author in an elevator?”
Chuck initially thinks that Dan is coming to tell off Serena. So, he’s more than a bit surprised, when the Donut starts blathering on to Blair, wondering why she didn’t invite him to her party, when he wrote such super things about her, and her prowess in the sack, in his fanfiction.
“Yourrrrr soooo boootiful, Blairr!”
“Why is everyone talking to me in Robot, today!”
Blair looks utterly confused throughout the entire slurred speech. But, fortunately, for Dan, Chuck pulls him out of the party, before he can make TOO big of an ass of himself, by, say . . . vomiting on Blair’s dress . . .
Things get even more adorable, when Dan slumps down on the stoop of a random brownstone, and Chuck, being the good friend that he is, deigns to sit down next to him there (possibly soiling his designer pants), in a show of brotherly solidarity. “I told you to get some ass, not to make one of yourself . . . by antagonizing Blair at her own shower,” Chuck explains. “Clearly, you are in love with her.”
“Moi?”
Donut Dan initially looks a bit dumbfounded by this accusation (then again, that’s probably just his Drunk Face), but can’t really deny it. Then Chuck explains to him that, since they both lost the woman of their dreams to the Evil Louis-bot, they are really BOTH outsiders, in this situation. Chuck then, more or less, carries Dan’s drunk ass back to the Hotel Empire, settles him down on the couch, and puts a blanket over his farmer flannel and weird hair, thereby making the world a safer place for men’s fashion.
Sweet drunky dreams, Donut Dan!
In all seriousness, it’s a super sweet thing to do . . .
And, fortunately, for Chuck, someone very special is there to witness it . . .
You see, when Blair came with her tail between her legs to apologize to Serena for the whole Accusing Her of Ruining Her Shower Thing, Serena, who has always been as much Team Chair as the rest of us, made sure to let Blair know that Chuck came to her shower to save it from Dan’s drunken antics.
So, Blair, of course, cannot resist paying the true love of her life a visit. The look on Chuck’s face, when he turns around and sees her standing in his apartment says it all.
On one hand, he’s totally and completely enamored with her, and probably wants nothing more than to take her in his arms, rip off her dress, and make sweet, sweet love to her, right on top of Donut Dan’s drunk ass. On the other hand, Chuck truly believes he’s lost her already. So, having to face her, and be tempted like this, when he’s trying so hard to be a better man for her, seems like a cruel, cruel twist of fate. “You shouldn’t have come here,” he says to her sadly.
“I know,” replies Blair solemnly, as she looks at Chuck with just as much love and adoration in her eyes, as she did that first time he managed to utter those important three words, eight letters to her.
It is like she is really seeing him . . . or, rather, the man he has become, for the first time.
“You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?” She asks.
AWWWW YEAH!
Then, they eye f*&k, the credits roll, and I melt into a little happy Chair-infused puddle on my couch. Those Naughty GG writers, always saving the best moments of the show until 8:58 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. But, of course, that’s why we love them . . .
Care to relive the magic? Here you go!
You’re welcome!
And hey, if the trailer’s for next week’s installment are any indication, there’s a whole lot more Chairy goodness where that came from. You can check out the American and Canadian trailers for “Rhodes to Perdition” right here:
Good lord, I swear, Ed Westwick gets hotter, every week . . .
I literally drooled all over my keyboard watching that American promo (which, surprisingly enough, I actually preferred to the Canadian one, this time around. Go figure!).
So, what did you think of “All the Pretty Sources.” Did Drunken Dan make you laugh? Did Chivalrous Chuck make you melt? Are you glad that Blair is finally coming to her senses about Louis-bot? Do you honestly believe that Nate never sent a single piece of intel to Gossip Girl? Are you sorry to see Diana go? Do you wish Faux-Charlie, or Max McPoorPerson went with her?
Let me know in the Comments Section. Until next time, XOXO!
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