ONCE UPON A TIME: A Black Fairy Tale

(Cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

This week on Once, Rumple continues his trend of contemplating doing the right thing for about five seconds, before effing up AGAIN. (But hey, major points for character consistency!) Also this week, Captain Hook chooses a best man for his wedding. And the Wicked Witch of the West learns to drive . . . (and by “drive,” I actually mean run people over with her car).

What can I say? It’s the week before the series’ much ballyhooed musical episode, and the showrunners have clearly put all their season’s eggs in that basket. So, let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

A Rude Awakening

Rumple uses some stinky dead dragon’s baby breath (Dany Targaryen would most definitely not approve) . . .

. . . to finally awaken the still shady as heck Blue Fairy from her plot-convenient coma. Almost instantly, the gang is peppering her with questions about the whereabouts of the other half of the Kill the Black Fairy Wand. But then, sweet, sensitive, Snow White intervenes and . . . strangles the Blue Fairy?

Just kidding! Apparently, “Snow White” is actually the Black Fairy in disguise. And “Prince Charming” is actually Stepford Gideon. But still, watching Snow White wrap her hands around that self-righteous Blue Fairy’s neck is mighty cathartic and satisfying. Admit it!

Before the whole “attempted murder” thing, the Blue Fairy did manage to reveal that the missing wand half is located in the center of Storybrooke, which means that a good portion of this episode will literally involve a scavenger hunt, a la Blue’s Clues.

Get it, Blue’s Clues, because she’s the Blue Fairy, and there’s that kid show with the dog where they . . . ahhhh, never mind . . .

While the rest of the gang play “fetch the stick,” Rumple, Emma and a “kidnapped” Stepford Gideon head to the dream realm, where Rumple will attempt to interrogate his son as to where the Black Fairy has hidden his heart, which she is still using to control his ass. Another Scavenger Hunt item! This episode really is Blue’s Clues . . .

The Birth of Two Baddies

Once in Dream Land, Gideon admits that he has no clue where the Black Fairy has hidden his heart (which, kind of makes sense, because if he knew where it was hiding, wouldn’t he just take it back?) But, just when this whole Dream Walk thing seems like it’s going to be a total bust, Emma and Gideon get all shrinky on Rumple, and encourage him to use this “Dream Vacation” as an opportunity to find out the real reason the Black Fairy abandoned him as a child.

“How exactly would I go about doing that?” Rumple inquires dubiously.

“Why not try inappropriately fondling that baby blanket randomly sitting on that empty crib in the middle of the forest?” Emma suggests.

And because Rumple is the kind of guy who wakes up comatose fairies with the halitosis of dead dragon babies, he figures, “Why the heck not?”

The fondled baby blanket reveals to Rumple that his mom wasn’t always a Black Fairy. In fact, she wasn’t a fairy at all. She was just some random lady who gave birth to a newborn boy, and then promptly learned from her fairy godmother (Tiger Lily), and her fairy godmother’s boss (the odious Blue Fairy) that her son is destined to be a Savior.

Yup, you heard right. Rumple was supposed to be a Savior . . . like Emma . . . and Aladdin, and just about every fourth character on this series.

Of course, as has been beaten into our brains ad nauseum since the beginning of the season, being the Savior means you are destined to die in a battle against the Ultimate Evil. “No way,” exclaims not-yet-Black-Fairy. “My kid is not dying just to save all you losers. Apocalypse, schmockalypse.”

“Well, EVERYONE dies eventually,” argues Tiger Lily. “Let’s not forget that these are the middle ages, and, based on those rags you are wearing, you are poor as sh*t. So, basically the chances of your kid surviving past the age of five would be slim at best, anyway. At least, as the Savior, your kid is guaranteed to reach puberty before he croaks, which in this era is the equivalent of old age.”

“I don’t care!” Not-Yet-Black-Fairy insists. “I’d rather my child die as a toddler from the Black Plague, than die at age 28 to save the lives of folks as obnoxious as the Blue Fairy.”

“Well, that makes total sense,” agrees Tiger Lily. “Blue Fairy is the WORST!”

And so, because the prophecy about the Savior apparently states that the person who will be born in the same winter as baby Rumple and bear a crescent moon scar on his or her arm, Tiger Lilly and Not-Yet-Black-Fairy run around fondling the arms of every baby born that winter. And no one finds the fact that they are doing this the least bit creepy.

When all the newborns prove themselves arm-scar free, Not-Yet-Black-Fairy decides to up the ante by turning herself into a fairy herself, so that she can break into the “fairy vault” and perform some kind of dubious spell to save her son. The spell involves like killing all the babies in the world, or something? This, on one hand, seems a wee bit extreme. On the other, like I said, all these kids are basically marked for death anyway for being poor and medieval, so no huge loss?

When Tiger Lilly tries to stop Rumple’s mommy from ridding the world of babies, Rumple’s mommy rips out Tiger Lilly’s heart. And it is this act of evil causes Rumple’s mommy to morph from “Garden Variety” fairy to “Black Fairy.” (Because performing temporary heart surgery on a recurring cast member is way worse than planning the mass genocide of all the world’s newborns?)

Oh, and P.S. Black Fairy now has a crescent scar on her arm, which means that it is SHE who is destined to murder her own son, as he battles to save the world.

Black Fairy, you have a collect call from “Irony.” Do you accept the charges?

Road Rage

Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, the Wicked Witch is still majorly bummed out that she can no longer make green farts come out of her fingertips, or use those green farts to assemble furniture from IKEA. (Since when did Storybrooke get an IKEA, or any chain store for that matter.)

So, sister Regina tries to cheer the Wicked Witch up by buying her a car (a green one naturally). The erstwhile Evil Quen even offers to teach her sibling how to drive, so the latter can effectively ditch down and head to NYC before the apocalypse arrives. “You can take my adopted kid Henry with you, because there is noooo way that gawky-looking kid’s contract is getting renewed for Season 7,” Regina adds.

“Not even if I write myself into the script? I am The Author, after all?”

So, Regina attempts to teach the Wicked Witch how to drive. But, as it turns out, driving is way harder than broomstick riding, and Zelena kind of sucks at it. Midway into the lesson, Regina gets a call from Snow informing her that the other half of the Murder the Black Fairy wand is probably hidden at Granny’s.

So, Regina cuts the lesson short and books it there, ASAP. At Granny’s, Regina easily locates the wand half behind the juke box. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the Black Fairy is there too. Regina and the Black Fairy quickly decide to duke it out in the middle of the street, Wild West style, as people on this show tend to do, whenever they have disagreements.

Just when it seems like Regina is about to lose, the Wicked Witch shows up out of nowhere and RUNS THE BLACK FAIRY OVER WITH HER CAR! And it, is awesome!

In fact, it’s so awesome that I think we need to watch it again . . .

And again . . .

And again . . .

Black Fairy survives though . . . unfortunately.

Matricide Maybe?

After their vacation in Dreamland, Rumple tells the rest of the gang that (1) (SURPRISE) he’s a Savior too; and (2) it looks like HE, and not Emma, will be tasked with murdering his mommy to save the world.

Rumple meets Black Fairy in the woods to murder her. It is there that she reveals to him the rest of the story. Apparently, the Black Fairy had the opportunity to give up her evil powers to save her son. But, instead, she opted to cut off her SON’S powers, to erase his fate as Savior. As punishment for this, the Blue Fairy banishes the Black Fairy to another realm, and THAT’S why she abandoned Rumple, because the Blue Fairy had a restraining order against her. Not, you know, because she hated Rumple, like he originally thought.

The next time we see Rumple he’s putting the “Black Fairy’s” black heart on the dinner table at Granny’s (super unsanitary), and returning Gideon’s heart to him, so he doesn’t have to be a Stepford kid anymore. Everyone is super proud of Rumple for murdering his mommy and saving the world.

Yup, suuuuure. That’s “exactly” what happened. Rumple learns that the woman he thought despised him actually loved him all along (in her totally psychopathic and effed up way, but still!), and murders her OFFSCREEN, right after she graciously tells him the location of her son’s heart. And the writers, for whatever reason, decide, not to squeeze every possible bit of angst out of this most iconic moment in the history of the series.

“Great!” Emma exclaims. “Now that I no longer have to save the world, I can finally get married to Hook in a tacky venue that my dad will positively hate.”

“Cool,” says Hook. “I’m going to ask your teenage son to be my best man, because I like him, and not at all because I have no male friends my own age . . . no male friends at all really, except maybe your dad, and I killed his father, so, awk-ward!”

“Sounds good,” answers Emma. Then, we can spend the last three episodes of the season having hot, drama free, sex with one another on camera,” posits Emma.

And if you believe all that, I have a very nice bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .

Annnnd . . . we are right back where we started . . . AGAIN.

So, you can imagine my complete lack of surprise when Rumple meets the Black Fairy at night, right smack in the middle of a public street in the last two minutes of the episode. (But no one sees them there, because Plot.) The pair congratulate one another on pulling the wool over the eyes of the most gullible fairytale characters on the planet (most notably the one who claims her “superpower is telling when people are lying.”) Mother and son then plot to murder Savior Emma, once and for all, on her wedding day, because that’s what sh*tty people do. Having logical motivation for one’s actions is for p*ssies.

And that was “The Black Fairy” in a nutshell.

See you next time, Oncers! There will be music! There will be dancing! The second-hand embarrassment you will get from watching alone will be worth the price of admission . . .

ONCE UPON A TIME: You Can’t Keep a Bad Witch Down!

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

Just what Storybrooke needs, another “reformed villain.” The town suddenly seems overrun with them. Jiminey Cricket is going to need to start a new support group soon . . . maybe even a halfway house. This week on Once, the Wicked Witch of the West gave up her ability to shoot green farts from her fingers for the greater good. Also this week, the Charmings fought over how bling-y Emma’s and Hook’s wedding should be, but still seem to have forgotten that they have another child. Be patient, Baby Neal. I’m sure in 28-years you’ll get all the parental love you so desperately need and deserve.

Let’s review, shall we?

The Heart of the Matter

Once upon a time, the Wicked Witch of the West was just a sweet ginger teen, who used her magic, to like help birds and stuff. But it turns out the good folks of Oz were super racist against magical people (or maybe they just had something against gingers), so they bullied Mini-Not-Yet-Wicked-Witch. Fortunately, this all-powerful magical being had a man to help her . . . a big burly teen with an axe. And everyone knows that crude weapons that require close contact with the victim in order to be effective are WAAAAYYYY more powerful than magical fingers that can turn you into a flying monkey from 100 yards away. So, away fled the bullies. Thus, a new (very temporary, but highly plot convenient) friendship was born between the Wicked Witch of the West and the dude who would eventually grow up to become the Tin Man.

Years later, a now grown and green-faced Wicked Witch of the West (whose magic knows no bounds, but still apparently needs servants to salt her deli meat dinners) is lounging alone in her castle when she receives a visitor. Why, it’s her old friend Guy With An Axe . . . except now he sort-of / kind of looks like the Tin Man! It turns out that the Wicked Witch of the North stole Tin Man’s heart (for fun, I guess?), and now he will turn entirely to tin if he doesn’t find a MacGuffin in the middle of the forest to cure him.

(Huh? I thought when evil people stole your heart out of your chest, you became their personal puppet, not their personal oil can. Why are you changing the rules on me, Show?)

Anyway, Wicked Witch agrees to help the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe to find his MacGuffin, because she was given the day off from her usual job of terrorizing munchkins and lollipop kids, and had nothing better planned. Everything goes well at first! The Wicked Witch even rescues the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe from being eaten by Scar from The Lion King! She does this by shooting green farts from her fingers at Scar, and turning him into the Cowardly Lion. (We feel you, Scar. Being farted on is super traumatic! Who knew that all this time the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz was just suffering a mild case of PTSD brought on by stinky gas?)

Things go south, when the Wicked Witch finds the MacGuffin and learns that, in order to get the Tin Man’s heart back, she has to imbue the object with all of her powers, thus giving up her green fart fingers forever. (Or, she could just, you know, go to the Wicked Witch of the North, fight her, and take the heart back by force, but whatever!) Not willing to give up her powers for her friend, the Wicked Witch abandons Guy with an Axe, just as his transformation into a giant oil can becomes complete. Then, the Wicked Witch goes back to her castle to eat the deli meats that have been sitting out on her dining room table for hours, getting cold and probably catching flies. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, considering this is the same character whose storybook demise literally involved forcing her to take a shower, I guess it’s kind of par for the course.

Why You Should Never Hire Snow White to Plan Your Wedding . . .

Back in the present day. Emma and Hook are making pancakes, tongue kissing and fondling one another in a way that says (1) “we had great sex last night;” and (2) “we are about to get started on Round 2.” So, of course, Snow White has to barge into the couple’s home and ruin everything. Hey Snow, while you are so busy keeping Emma from getting a Little Hook in her (see what I did there?), you might want to consider the fact that your newborn baby hasn’t had a diaper change in about three months. I mean, you probably aren’t feeding him, so that helps a bit with waste minimization. But still!

“Too bad, you get none. Gawd, you are so needy!”

Anyway, Snow White is apparently into scrapbooking! (Twenty-eight years of teaching eight-year olds to build the exact same bird house every day will do that to a person!) Snow has lots of ideas for Hook’s and Emma’s wedding. “The apocalypse can wait,” exclaims Snow. “We’ve got ten seasons of Say Yes to the Dress on DVR to watch!”

And so, instead of spending the episode figuring out how to defeat the Black Fairy, Emma and the rest of her family, at Snow White’s behest, fill the hour scouting wedding venues. Snow’s top pick: Granny’s Diner, the exact same place where the groom temporarily died a couple seasons ago. But worse than that, it’s a diner. So tacky!

Prince Charming is not down with this choice of venue at all. “My daughter is a princess. She’s not having a wedding that’s the Storybrooke equivalent of a kid’s birthday party at McDonalds.”

Charming is also not cool with Emma having her wedding at town hall. He makes some rather snide comments about its poor lighting and shoddy paint job, before storming off. Prince Charming = Wedding Venue Snob, who knew?

“If my daughter gets married in a diner, I’ll never be able to show my face in the country club that Storybrooke doesn’t have again!”

He’s totally right about the diner, though . . .

The Lesser of Two Evils . . .

While the rest of the town is suffering from Wedding Fever, the Wicked Witch, to her credit, seems like the only one actually interested in defeating this season’s Big Bad! When the Black Fairy shows up at the Wicked Witch’s house and sort of/kind of threatens to eat her baby, if she doesn’t go over to the dark side (Well, I mean, technically, the Wicked Witch is already on the dark side, so, I guess, the darker side?), the lady in green is mad as hell, and she isn’t going to take it anymore!

Regina tells the Wicked Witch to slow her roll, and not be so hasty about murdering the Black Fairy, who is currently holed up in the dwarf mines. “We have four episodes left in the season . . . relax!” She tells her sister.

But the Wicked Witch will not relax! And she will not wait until Snow White plans an entire wedding for Emma at Chuckie Cheese to murder the lady who wants to eat her kid. (For all we know, the Black Fairy may have already eaten Baby Neal, and put a spell on the Charmings and the series writers, so they would forget he existed! That would explain so much!)

“Unlike the rest of you wackos, I actually like my baby! I do not want him served with french fries and a side of ketchup as the main dish at Emma’s wedding.”

So, the Wicked Witch drops off her baby at Belle’s house for safe keeping, trying desperately to ignore the fact that Belle recently managed to lose her own baby five minutes after giving birth to it. (She’s still the best babysitter in town though, scarily enough.) Then, our villain / heroine (villoine?) heads to the dwarf mines to defeat the Black Fairy.

Inside the dwarf mines, as it turns out, the Black Fairy and Stepford Gideon are farming white magic crystals. When the Wicked Witch confronts the Black Fairy and tries to green fart finger her to death, the latter turns the tables on the former, by using the witch’s own magic to turn all the white magic crystals to dark magic ones. This just so happens to be the first step in the Black Fairy’s “How to Start and Apocalypse” handbook. Who knew?

When Regina finds out how royally her prodigal sister screwed things up again, she tells the Wicked Witch to take her baby and leave town for good.

“Damn you, sis, and your attempts to move along plots faster. Don’t you know this show is on the verge of cancellation?”

But the Wicked Witch has other plans . . .

In Which The Wicked Witch Becomes Just Some Lady Who Really Likes to Wear Green . . .

The Wicked Witch uses her magic to bring a green fart tornado to Storybrooke. But that green fart tornado just so happens to be carrying a very important item. By golly, it’s the MacGuffin from the flashback! You know, the one that saps all the Wicked Witch’s powers! The Wicked Witch decides to use the MacGuffin to suck up all her powers, thereby turning the black magic crystals back to white magic ones, and undoing the Start of the Apocalypse (at least for three more episodes).

Regina and Emma are super proud of the Wicked Witch for giving up her powers to save the world, for now. But they may feel differently when they need someone to make them a green fart, and no one is around to do it . . .

In other news, the clan decides to use one of the newly restored white magic crystals from the dwarf mines to wake up the Blue Fairy from her coma. Emma and Co. are hoping that the Blue Fairy can give them intel they can use to defeat the Black Fairy. Yeeeaaaaaah. . . . probably not. For one thing, the Blue Fairy is super shady, and will most definitely end up being the season’s surprise Bigger Bad. For another, her only current talents on the show seem to be losing babies, getting cursed by villains, and making judgmental faces at people, in that order.

Resting . . . er I mean . . . Flying Bitch Face

But hey, all logical reasoning and common sense aside, you keep dreaming big, Emma and Co! You may live to see a seventh season yet . . .

ONCE UPON A TIME: The Quicker Potion Fixer Upper

“Do you prefer eating your deep fried cursed hearts with ketchup or BBQ sauce?”

(cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

There were so many potions used this week on Once to clean up certain dangling plot items, it was hard to keep track of them all. Let’s see, we had: sleeping curse potion, memory forgetting potion, drink pink stuff to create a door to your true love in another realm potion, potion that deep fries dark curses out of your heart, and potion that allows your shadow to travel across realms to fondle your girlfriend’s face and give her a magic wand. This is because, in Storybrooke, potions are kind of like cell phone apps. They allow you to do things you never know you always wanted to do, like, for example, have a conversation with an animated Easter Bunny (That’s a real app, by the way.)

Let’s review, shall we?

Mmmmm, Deep-Fried Hearts!

Regina’s first idea to break the sleeping curse that hangs over Snow and Charming (collectively, but not simultaneously) is to basically rip out both their hearts and throw them into what looks like a deep frier. (Even though a steamer would result in the hearts having way less trans fats and lower cholesterol.) The idea is to “fry” the curse out of the hearts. The plan sort of seems to work at first, until Regina realizes that after you deep fry hearts, they kind of . . . um . . . don’t work as well anymore?

Now, Snow and Charming are not only still cursed, they also both have weak, fatty, cholesterol-filled hearts. And that means if Regina and the gang don’t find a curse cure by the end of the episode, both members of the happy couple will be forced to hang out in the Land of Nod for all eternity.

Oops! Now, if that’s not a PSA for using healthier forms of food processing, I don’t know what is.

Fortunately, there’s a magical solution just around the corner in the form of a pink flower that only grows when evil is around . . . or, more accurately, when the plot requires it to grow. The good news is the pink flower can be made into a potion that reunites separated true lovers, like Snow and Charming. The bad news is that it means the Black Fairy has found her way into Storybrooke, which puts her one step closer to murdering our Savior.

Emma and Snow quickly find a full field of those plot reviving pink flowers. But then the Black Fairy pops by and makes her Stepford Son Gideon magic them away. “Are you going to kill me now?” Emma wonders, since it seems like the perfect opportunity for the Black Fairy to do so.

“Nah, we still have a few more episodes left before the finale,” the Black Fairy insists before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

“Hey, you forgot a pink flower?” Emma calls after the Black Fairy.

But she’s already gone. This means that Snow and Charming have what they need to both have speaking parts in the same episode! Once Upon a Time is about to get a whole lot more expensive . . .

Shadow Dancing

Erotic or Creepy?: You be the judge

So, remember how, last week, the forty-year old looking Lost Boys were chasing Hook with bows and arrows? Well, the good news is Tiger Lily saves him by putting sleeping darts in all their necks. The bad news is she uses a dart on Hook too.

But Tiger Lily was just kidding about the whole “trying to murder Hook” thing. As it turns out, she just wants Hook to help her get a magic fairy wand to the Savior, so that she can use it to defeat the Black Fairy. “Well, what a coincidence, I’m currently boning the Savior,” Hook exclaims.

Using some of Peter Pan’s magic, Captain Hook, though unable to rescue himself from the Lost Boys, is able to send an emissary across the realms in the form of his shadow. The Shadow hands Emma the wand, along with Hook’s Hook, and then turns to leave, but not before performing a bit of heavy duty fondle action with Emma’s face.

This poses an interesting question, if you hook up with your boyfriend’s shadow, does that count as cheating?

A Snow and Charming Do-Over (Under?) and A (Better) Proposal

Back in Storybrooke, Emma worries that the Shadow’s gift of Hook’s Hook to her means that he’s in danger. (She also fears that Hook’s shadow may have given her an STD.) Snow, who is about to take the pink flower potion that will “reunite” her with Charming, and, by extension, cure their sleeping curse, decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and let Emma use it instead to reunite with her boyfriend, even if that means eternal sleepiness, and leaving her baby Neal, who the writers apparently forgot she had, to grow up an orphan. (Hey, Emma was an orphan, and she turned out just fine. She was only incarcerated once for grand theft auto!)

Emma’s all, “Why the heck would you do that? Don’t you care about your other kid at all?”

This brings us to our episode’s flashback of the week, which takes place during the First Curse in Storybrooke, around ten years before the pilot episode. Apparently, during that time one of those plot-convenient pink flowers appeared. And when Snow placed it in the then-comatose Charming’s hand it caused him, and, a few moments later, her, to remember their true identities.

Immediately concerned about the fate of their daughter Emma (who, unlike their other kid Neal, they actually seem to like), Snow and Charming hunt down Rumple and inquire about Emma. He tells them to drink more potion and think about her. This will create a door to Emma’s world and allow Snow and Charming to retrieve her from there.

The problem is that Emma’s only 18 at this time. And the prophecy requires her to be 28 to Save the World from Evil. (Apparently, world saving has an age requirement like drinking, voting, running for office, and buying porn off the internet.) Snow and Charming do end up creating that door to find Emma, who looks super young for 18, like WAAAY too young. (Maybe she has that thing Emmanuel Lewis has that makes you look 10 when you are 18? Or, maybe the writers just took memory potion and forgot that the script indicated her age as 18, instead of 10? The world may never know.)

“I swear, judge, she told me she was 18-years old!”

However, ultimately, Snow and Charming decide that preserving Emma for world saving is way more important than their happiness as parents. Besides, Emma’s a ten-year-old-looking-18-year old. What trouble could she possibly get into without parental supervision? So, Snow and Charming drink the conveniently available memory potion, that causes them to forget their true identities and allow them, and everyone they care about, to live inside the movie Groundhog Day for another decade.

So, basically, it’s a win/win for everyone right?

 

Back in the present day, Emma way too quickly accepts her parents’ offer to kind of/sort of commit murder suicide on one another (and, in doing so, pretty much guarantee that Baby Neal will grow up-to be a serial-killer) in-order-to-improve-their-daughter’s-sex life.

Emma then drinks her parents pink flower potion, creates a portal to Neverland, beats up some Lost Boys, and brings her beau safely back home.

Once there, Hook decides to propose to Emma for realsies. He even gets on one knee. This time, Emma doesn’t try to steal his thunder, by saying yes, before he even gets to ask the question. Everyone is happy. Well, except for Emma’s kind-of dead parents, and Baby Neal, and Tiger Lily who got left behind to hang out with a bunch of Forty-Year-Old-Looking-Lost-Boys for all eternity.

Ain’t “True Love” grand?

Worst Mother-in-Law Ever!

When Black Fairy and Stepford son Gideon pay a visit to Rumple and Belle at Rumple’s shop, the look on Belle’s face tells us she’s seriously questioning marrying into the most screwed-up, evil, and incestuous family of all time.

“Gaston is suddenly looking like a mighty attractive option.”

Then, Rumple tries to use some magic against his Bad Mommy. And the Black Fairy, in turn, uses the Control the Dark One sword against him so he can’t do it.

I don’t know about you guys, but if there was a sword around somewhere that could make me the slave of anyone who wielded it, I would keep that sh*t locked up in a vault so far away that no one would ever find it. Rumple just kind of leaves it around on the floor, for the latest Big Bad to nonchalantly pick up whenever the episode requires it.

Not too bright, if you ask me. Fortunately, Black Fairy actually gives Rumple back the sword on her own free will. She insists that after she defeats the Savior, Rumple will gladly and willingly join her on the Dark Side. It’s all very Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker-ey . . . you know, if Luke Skywalker had a real fondness for canes and face glitter.

But Rumple isn’t totally useless here. He gets at least one parting shot on Mommy by informing her that he knows Gideon is only acting like a huge douchebag, because she stole his heart. (Otherwise, Gideon would only be a medium-sized douchebag.) Rumple notes Gideon’s decision to leave one pink “reunite with your lover” flower for Emma and Snow to find as evidence that there is “still some goodness in him.”

See? Even Stepford medium-sized douchebags do nice things, every once in a while!

Naptime!

They literally drank the Kool-Aid . . . Peer pressure is bad, boys and girls!

Speaking of nice things, just in time for the end of the episode, Regina comes up with another plan to wake up Snow and Charming who are now both lying in bed together in identical comas. She brings the whole town together (which seems to only comprise like 20 people all of the sudden), and instructs them each to drink some of Snow’s and Charming’s curse. Regina hopes that this will dilute the curse enough for Snow and Charming to wake up. It also could, you know, kill the entire town, but, whatever.

So all the townspeople of Storybrooke drink the sleeping potion, and Snow and Charming wake up together (HOORAY!), and find the entire town lying around them in a coma (BOO!) . . . but only for like two minutes, and then they all wake up. (YAY!)

And they all lived happily ever after . . . at least until next Sunday at 8 p.m E.S.T. See you then!

ONCE UPON A TIME: It’s the FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Never gets old . . .

(Cross posted at Agonybooth.com)

It’s the end of this show, as we know it, folks. The biggest of Big Bads has finally arrived to battle the Save-iest(?) of Saviors! But first, we’ve got some CGI spiders to mutilate, and a pirating adventure to endure. Also, Henry’s got some gross white goo in his eyes, and that “Evil” Author from last season just really wants Hamilton tickets, dammit!

So, without further adieu, let’s talk about “Mother’s Little Helper.”

Along Came a Spider

Last week we got a CGI Kraken, and this week we got the large furry spider from the movie Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Honestly folks, if a CGI Dumbo doesn’t make an appearance before this series ends, I will be super upset.

But before we get to Ole Spidey, let’s talk about Gideon. He’s in Emma’s house, asking her to help him murder the Black Fairy. Emma’s all, “See, I kinda would have maybe helped you. But then you tried to murder me, and banished my boyfriend on a bluish submarine, where he almost got murdered by a CGI Kraken. And then you threatened to hurt me again, so, ummmm . . . yeah . . . I’m going to pass. Next time just say ‘please.’ A little politeness goes a long way when you are basically hiring a hitman for your surrogate mother.”

To prove she’s serious about the whole “not helping” thing, Emma throws Gideon against a wall using her lightning fingers and gives him a pretty gnarly nosebleed, which, for all you Gideon haters out there, was actually pretty cathartic to watch.

Emma experiences a change of heart soon after though, when Rumple reminds her that basically every bad thing that ever happened to her throughout this entire series pretty much indirectly stemmed from the Black Fairy. (It much more directly stemmed from Rumple himself, but let’s not get too picky here.) Emma then finds Gideon at the clock tower, and agrees to help him kill Black Fairy, but only if Gideon agrees to give her back the Savior Murdering sword he stole from her, and also un-banish her boyfriend.

The two frenemies shake hands over their newly established detente, and head over to Mickey Mouse’s house, where supposedly Emma’s savior magic can be used to open a portal, so that Emma can get to the Black Fairy and murder her ass. Unfortunately, someone beat the pair to the house . . . and by “someone” I mean a Big F*&king Gross Spider.

Gideon and Emma try running away from the Big F*&king Gross Spider for a little bit. But then Gideon turns on Emma, pushes her into a giant spider web (which literally appeared out of nowhere . . . is that how spiders work, because I don’t think spiders work that way, not even Big F*&king Gross Spiders?). Dark One Junior then steals back Emma’s Savior Murdering Sword, and runs off, leaving her to die by suffocation, wrapped up in a spider web like a mummy.

Well, that was kind of rude! Your social networking skills could use a little work, Gideon . . .

Never Trust a Pirate

Speaking of untrustworthy douchebags, Captain Hook challenges fellow fictional pirate villain Blackbeard to a game of cards, in the hope of winning from him a magic bean he could use to portal back to Emma in Storybrooke. Blackbeard agrees to play, but only if Hook agrees to give him his ship, the Jolly Roger, if he loses. Hook ultimately does lose the card game (but only because Blackbeard cheated).

Ahhh, but there’s a twist. Hook admits to Blackbeard that his ship is back in Storybrooke, and Blackbeard can only get to it by using the magic bean, and taking Hook with him. It’s admittedly a pretty savvy move by a character who isn’t always known for being the sharpest tool in this show’s shed.

Unfortunately, because Gideon’s curse has prevented Hook from properly portaling back to Storybrooke, Hook and Blackbeard end up in, of all places, Neverland, where the pair of pirates are promptly chased and shot at with arrows by a hoard of angry Lost Boys (I use the term Boys loosely, because they all look about 40-years old).

Blackbeard finds canoe near a body of water, and quickly knocks Hook unconscious, so that he can escape Neverland on his own, leaving Hook to do battle with the Lost Boys solo. Of course, Hook could have totally fit in the canoe too, but Blackbeard doesn’t care. Just like in Titanic, Jack could have totally fit on the piece of wood Rose was resting on, but she let him freeze and drown anyway. I never understood that about Titanic . . . Maybe Rose was an asshole all along, just like Blackbeard, and we just never knew.

Anyway, I hope you brought along your shell phone, Hook. Because you are going to really need to phone a friend, right about now. Just don’t call Rose from Titanic, if you value your life.

Writer’s Block Can Make You Evil

Speaking of needing friends, Regina finds herself totally at a loss for how to break the sleeping curse that is preventing Snow White and Prince Charming from ever appearing in the same episode together, thus saving the Once production crew a lot of money in actor salaries. So, she decides to give Henry a grocery list of potions that might help her on this front.

Side note: Whatever happened to Henry’s girlfriend? Is she also under a sleeping curse, due to budgetary restrictions? Last season, the show introduced an entire high school of kids from the Land of Untold Stories, and this kid still hasn’t managed to find one other friend under the age of 35, except for said MIA Girlfriend. Is it any wonder he’s slowly turning into a mixture of Norman Bates from Psycho, because of the whole Mother Obsession thing, and Jack from The Shining, because of the whole Writer Turned Crazy Person thing?

Anyway, as Henry is writing the list, his eyes go all milky white, and he starts jotting pages and pages of jibberish into his notebook before passing out. When Henry awakens he has no clue what it was he was writing or why, but it looks suspiciously like “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.”

Assuming that Henry’s sudden prolific, albeit crappy, writing abilities have something to do with his Magic Author Powers (up to this point, the so-called “Author” has only been shown writing one sentence at a time, and even then, only when the plot requires it.), Regina and Henry pay a visit to the “asylum,” where the show stores all Big Bads that managed to make it through their season without being murdered. There, they find Other Author Isaac.

Other Author Isaac is willing to instruct Henry and Regina on the former’s sudden Eye Goo Problem, but only if Regina gets him out of the asylum and into a porsche headed to NYC. Also, Other Author Isaac wants Hamilton tickets, because who doesn’t?

Regina agrees to Isaac’s requests (well, minus the Porsche and the Hamilton) only to learn that (1) Henry’s author powers are taking over his body and could eventually make him evil (thus making my The Shining reference all the more relevant, if I do say so myself); and (2) Emma’s battle with the Black Fairy is coming soon, which means the end of the fairytale book, and, possibly this series.

Not for the “Feint” of Heart

Speaking of the Black Fairy, this week’s flashback sheds some light on her parenting skills, and why they will undoubtedly earn Gideon a lifetime of crappy therapy courtesy Jiminey Cricket. First, we see in live action, the tale earlier hinted at by Gideon, of how the Black Fairy tortured Gideon’s boyfriend Roderick when the two were kids, just to prove that Gideon wasn’t brave or heroic enough to save him.

Twenty-eight years later, the Black Fairy instructs Gideon to hunt down the person who stole her keys, and that person winds up being Boyfriend Roderick all grown up. Roderick begs Gideon to help him sneak into the Black Fairy’s study and use some Magic Eight Ball looking thing to call the Savior and get help to defeat the Black Fairy. But before they can do that, the Black Fairy finds the two guys and punishes them both. She punishes Roderick by turning him into a spider, and squashing him under her shoe. (That’s two too many spiders in this episode, as far as I’m concerned. Bugs are the worst!)

She then punishes Gideon by . . . taking his heart out of his chest, controlling him, and using him to trick Emma into helping him open the portal to free her from the outer realm and bring her into Storybrooke.

Well, at least now we have an explanation for Gideon’s utter douchebaggery! Then again, maybe Gideon is just a garden variety douchebag like Blackbeard or Rose from Titanic, and the whole evil fairy holding his heart thing is just a distraction from that basic truth. The world may never know . . .

Back in present day, Rumple saves Emma from permanent mummification and kills the Big F*&king Gross Spider, which is great, because, as I said, bugs are the worst, whether they are giant CGI versions, or normal-sized ones that used to be your childhood boyfriend.

And yet with the Black Fairy in Storybrooke, Gideon under her control, and her son Henry potentially going full-on Evil Author, Emma’s got a lot more to worry about now than a bad case of arachnophobia.

Until next time, Oncers!

[Cross posted at Agony Booth.com]

This week on Once, Storybrooke finally gets a new bar! Snow White gets wasted! Emma becomes that cliché lady who pours her heart out to a bartender! Aladdin and Jasmine learn that sometimes all it takes is a little tongue action to save the world! And Captain Hook delivers a very important message on his shell phone!

It was a busy boozy episode . . . one that featured a giant CGI octopus . . . for about two seconds. So, let’s get on it, shall we?

IT’S TIME TO RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Too soon?

A Disney Princess, An Evil Queen and a Savior Walk Into a Bar . . .

It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, right? But the Bar Crawl (Can you call it a crawl if it only involves one bar? Is it more of a Bar Sit?) was actually the highlight of this week’s episode . . . for me anyway. For one thing, it only took six seasons, but Storybrooke finally found itself a hangout for its residents that isn’t snoozy Granny’s. So what, if it seems like the only patrons of Aesop’s Tables are fat old ugly Vikings? It has potential dammit.

Because after a few “artisanal” drinks, who knows? Maybe a Viking like this . . .

. . . could end up looking like this . . .

It all starts with Emma finally breaking the news to her dad that her fiancé killed her grandfather. Prince Charming, who, just a few episodes ago was all revengey and murderous ragey, when he thought that old rich guy killed his dad, just seems slightly bummed by the fact that his buddy and soon-to-be-son-in-law did it. This is probably because the writers are SO DONE with this whole Dead Dad storyline, and so am I!

Anyway, Emma’s still kind of sad and broody over the fact that she thinks Hook abandoned her in exchange for living out the rest of eternity on a bluish submarine with Captain Nemo, but apparently not broody enough for Regina. Regina, who is super into therapeutic emoting and “getting in touch with your feelings,” ever since she cured her case of multiple personality disorder this past week, by sending it into another dimension with a guy who looked like her dead boyfriend, decides that getting Emma drunk as a skunk, and enabling her alcoholism, is the healthiest way to deal with her pal’s tendencies toward emotional repression.

 

So Regina and Snow White trick Emma into hanging out with them at Storybrooke’s new bar(!), Aesop’s Tables. There, Snow White gets so wasted after two sips of alcohol that she picks a fight with a couple of Vikings and makes fun of their silly hats, which is actually kind of racist, I think. She then challenges the dudes to a game of darts . . . probably to make up for the whole being racist thing.

Elsewhere in the bar, Emma pours her heart out to a sexy bartender over Captain Hook’s abrupt departure, while dabbing her dewy eyes on a bar napkin. (Important later.) And just like that! Emma’s Emotional Repression is cured, and for way cheaper than the cost of a session with Jiminey Cricket the Terrible Shrink Who Doesn’t Understand Rules of Patient Confidentiality! And the moral of that story, boys and girls? Alcohol RULES, can solve all your problems, and help you beat Vikings at darts!

Much Adieu About a Kraken

Meanwhile, back on a bluish submarine, Captain Hook can’t get back to Emma’s realm without the blood of a Kraken to help steer the underground ship across portals. Fortunately for Hook, there’s a Kraken just chilling outside the submarine, patiently awaiting its demise for this exact purpose. Unfortunately, for Hook, stupid Aladdin and Jasmine pop up in the water at the worst moment, and scare the Kraken away . . . you know, because Evil CGI Octupuses (Octupi?) are super frightened of unarmed folks in row boats.

Then, the writers remember that they never resolved Jasmine’s and Aladdin’s storyline about saving the kingdom of Agrabah from about a year ago, so Hook reluctantly invites the couple onto the bluish submarine with him, even though it’s totally not his submarine. Hook is absolutely that friend of yours who you let crash at your place for a few days, only to come home from work to find that he’s eaten all your Lean Pockets, used up all your toilet paper, and invited 12 of his closest friends to watch the Lakers game on your couch.

Apparently, Jasmine and Aladdin have spent an entire year wandering around a forest aimlessly looking for a lost kingdom. What’s worse, all this time, these two incredibly hot people never once decided to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. They haven’t even so much as kissed!

Seriously? I know monks who are less chaste than this. No, really, some of my best friends are monks, and they can be pretty randy, when they want to be . . .

I Got The World on a String Ring . . .

Through a flashback, we learn that (1) Jasmine and Ariel are pals, who gossip about boys, and occasionally ride one another’s magic carpets, and (2) Jafar once tricked Jasmine into agreeing to marry him, so he could hide her entire kingdom inside a wedding ring, for no other reason than that he’s evil, and hates people.

I feel you, Jafar. People are the worst! They can all go hide in rings for eternity, as far as I’m concerned!

Back on the bluish submarine, the ship appears to be taking on water, thus forcing Hook, Jasmine, Aladdin, Nemo and the rest of the crew to abandon it, by using Aladdin’s temporary status as genie to “wish” all of them to a nearby island, so they don’t, you know, like, drown and stuff.

This island just so happens to be the place where Jafar is currently hanging out. We know this because the bluish submarine has a sort of GPS on it that locates Man Pain, and there’s no Man Pain like a Disney Villain Man Pain.

Also, conveniently, this is the island where Ariel and Prince Eric live in a shack decorated by Ariel’s obvious hoarder problem (She’s got gadgets and gizmos of plenty, whositz and whatsits galore. You want thingamabobs, she’s got twenty!) Quite a step down from the palace where you used to live, huh Prince Eric?

Anyway, amongst all her scary hoarder items, Ariel actually has something useful: Red powder that can turn Disney villains into creepy walking canes! OK, kind of random, but definitely something Captain Hook should consider taking back to Storybrooke in a doggie bag for future use . . . I, for one, can think of a lot of annoying Once characters, I’d like to see turned into creepy walking canes!

Armed with the knowledge that she’s literally just one sneeze away from vanquishing her greatest nemesis, Jasmine finally defeats Jafar!

But wait, what about the whole “kingdom stuck in a ring” thing, and the whole, “my boyfriend’s my genie slave” thing. Well, apparently, all Jasmine had to do this whole time to solve both of these problems was stick her tongue down Aladdin’s throat! So, True Love’s Kiss resolves this entire year-long storyline that nobody really cared about in the first place, in literally two seconds.

The moral of this story? Chastity is for suckers, so make out with hot men (or women) in the woods, whenever you get the chance. You just might be saving the world from eternal ruin by doing so!

Speaking of eternal ruin . . .

You Used to Call Me on My Shell Phone . . .

Now stuck in the no-longer-encased-in-a-ring Agrabah, but still unable to get in touch with Emma, Hook finally encounters a stroke of luck when hoarder Ariel presents him with another surprisingly useful item: a shell phone. “I have a phone just like this at home,” exclaims Hook. (That’s not even a joke. He actually utters this cheesy line!)

Hook uses the shell phone to connect with Emma, and tell her that he didn’t really dump her ass. He just got trapped on a bluish submarine by the guy who is trying to murder her, and almost eaten by a CGI Octopus. Well, isn’t that a relief!

Speaking of the guy trying to murder Emma, “Aesop the bartender” pops by Emma’s house late at night to reveal that he’s actually Douchebag Gideon, son of Rumplestiltskin and would-be-murderer of Emma. As it turns out, Gideon posed as the bartender and made Emma think that Hook abandoned her, just so he could make Emma cry, collect her tears, and use them to close off portals to other worlds, like the one Hook would need to get back home.

(Did you know Savior Tears close portals? Neither did I. Neither did the writers, I presume, until about five seconds before writing this episode.)

Do they have to be real tears? Would artificial tears work just as well?

Apparently, Gideon doesn’t want to murder Emma anymore. (Because the whole “Emma is fated to die” plot is SO last week!) What he really wants is to blackmail Emma into helping him kill the Black Fairy, by using her now-trapped-in Agrabah fiancé as leverage.

Really Gideon? She’s the Friggin Savior! Killing villains is kind of her thing! You moved a submarine across dimensions, then created an entire bar (which was cool) and a whole new sexy face (which was weird and random) to get Emma to do your bidding, when, really, all you had to do was ask . . . (or shove your tongue down someone’s throat . . . or throw red powder onto someone and turn them into a walking cane . . . because those are all ways to solve problems on this show that are easier than what you did.)

Until next time!

ONCE UPON A TIME: Good News for Bad Guys

[Cross posted at Agony Booth.com]

It’s a great week to be a villain in Storybrooke. This week on Once the writers are handing out happy endings to garbage people, like Oprah Winfrey occasionally hands out cars. Also, if you remove all the obvious concerns about multiple personality disorder, Regina has a nice conversation with herself about the importance of self-love that would make any psychologist giddy with glee. In less joyous news, Captain Hook is trapped on a Bluish Submarine, and Gideon is still a massive douchebag.

In Which the Evil Queen’s Dad Desperately Tries to Get His Daughter Laid . . .

“F*&k my daughter, please!”

After six seasons, Once is clearly running out of ideas for Meaningful Flashbacks That in Some Way Add Insight to Present Day Plotlines. (See example, last week, where they literally re-played the same flashback from a few seasons back, wrote a different ending to it, and then had one of the main characters “forget” the new ending to avoid the inevitable retcon it produced.) This week’s flashback finds the Evil Queen, once again, hunting for Snow White, and generally being sh*tty to everybody she encounters, including her sweet, but utterly ineffectual, father. Then, once again, Tinkerbell appears, so that she can remind the Evil Queen, for the third time now, that the only possible antidote to the villainness’ garbage person-ness, is for her to find the one man willing to bone her regularly. How’s that for a feminist message, ladies?

For a lady so interested in everyone finding their True Love, Tinkerbell herself seems awfully single most of the time, doesn’t she?

Evil Queen, to her credit, doesn’t buy that crap. She doesn’t need a man to complete her! She just needs . . . to commit lots more murders, and continue making everyone around her as miserable as possible!

Evil Queen’s dad (who, to his credit, seems vaguely uncomfortable with his daughter’s penchant for merciless dictatorship and serial murder, but not uncomfortable enough to say use his mother’s spell book to ground the Evil Queen, and keep her locked in a high tower until she reaches menopause) has an idea!

Under the guise of helping Evil Queen find Snow White using his wife’s spell book, Dad brings his awful daughter to visit the statue of a fat naked baby carrying a bow and arrow. It’s Cupid . . . obviously. And apparently looking into Cupid’s arrow will lead you to The Person You Love the Most. Dad believes that once Evil Queen looks at the arrow, she will find Robin Hood, and that he will instantly bone all the garbage-personness out of her. But, more importantly, he will knock her up, and keep her at home, Barefoot and Pregnant Ever After like a good Disney Princess.

[Pause: Am I remembering things wrong? Wasn’t it actually determined in an earlier season that the Evil Queen’s dad is actually The Person She Loves the Most. And this is why she eventually had to kill him, in order to effectuate the Season One curse that started this whole show? Now, we are suddenly supposed to believe that the Evil Queen loves someone she never met more than her own father, who literally stuck by her through six seasons of suffering through the exact same flashback together approximately one million times?]

Anyway, Evil Queen is so not interested in fat babies and their luuuuuuuve arrows. So, she spells the arrow into something that leads you to The Person You Hate Most, assuming the arrow will take her to Snow White. But, SURPRISE! The arrow actually ends up showing the Evil Queen the mirror image of herself. Apparently, no one hates the Evil Queen more than the Evil Queen.

If I didn’t make it clear earlier, this episode is basically a Freshman Psychology Major’s wet dream . . .

A Tale of Two Reginas

Speaking of self-loathing, back in the present day, the now separated into two distinct beings, Evil Queen and Regina are both dead set on murdering one another ASAP. Evil Queen conveniently has Bad!?Robin Hood dig up the Cut Off Your Fate scissors from a few episodes back, so she can murder her better half without suiciding in the process. Evil Queen then ties up Bad!?Robin Hood and uses him as bait to lure Regina into her clutches, so the two can have yet another “Epic” Split-Screen Showdown.

By the time Regina arrives, Evil Queen has actually already sent Bad!?Robin Hood back to the fake Alt World from whence he came. This was a surprisingly nice thing for a garbage person like her to do, except when you consider the fact that Bad!?Robin Hood is still marked for death by Alt World Rumple, which is why he left Alt World in the first place?

Anywhoo, Regina and Evil Queen alternate between sword fighting and throwing their trademark purple magic farts at one another for a few minutes. But eventually Regina bests Evil Queen, and actually has the opportunity to kill her forever. Of course, she doesn’t do it, because killing people is “bad,” and Regina is no longer a Malevolent Serial Killer. Rather, since she cut out the garbage-personness in herself, Regina has proudly joined the ranks of the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killers.

Instead of murdering her self(?), Regina actually takes some of the garbage personness out of the Evil Queen’s heart and trades it for some of her slightly less garbage personness. So now, thanks to some impromptu open heart surgery that would make the makers of the childhood game Operation Proud, the Evil Queen sucks a little bit less than she did before, and Regina sucks a little bit more. Oddly enough, this makes everybody happy.

“I love myself now,” Regina admits to the now only slightly more garbage version of herself.

The pair then hug one another, clean up the mess they made in Regina’s office from all the purple fart throwing and open heart surgery stuff, then sit down for tea together to gossip about boys. Because, of courses, self-love, forgiveness, and self-acceptance are really only important if they can help you get laid right?

Regina has somewhat of a difficult time convincing the rest of the main cast that the lady who spent all of eternity trying to murder them all is now her new bestie. But in less than five minutes, everyone reluctantly allows themselves to be convinced, because we still have another plotline to wrap up after the last commercial break.

Then, Henry calls the Evil Queen “mom” for the first time, hugs her, and uses his Author powers to give her a “fresh start.” I’ll give you two guesses as to where that “fresh start” leads Evil Queen. You got it: back to Alt World, and the bar where Bad!?(BUT CONVENIENTLY SINGLE) Robin Hood is busy nursing his latent alcoholism, and possibly waiting for Alt World Rumple to find and murder him.

But hey, True Wuv conquers all right? So, I think these two sort-of-garbage, arguably not-real, people might just make it to their Happily Ever After together!

“Let’s drink until we forget that neither of us actually exist! Hey, at least that means there’s no chance of my getting you pregnant or giving you crabs!”

Coming Un-Hooked

In less happy news, Captain Hook is still stewing over the fact that he murdered Emma’s grandfather, and hasn’t found the courage to tell her yet, because he thinks it might screw up their impending nuptials. Then, Captain Nemo (Seriously? This guy is still around?) pops by to offer Hook some sage advice. “Tell Emma the truth,” he says. “Or don’t tell her, and forgive yourself. But please stop whining about it, because this storyline is getting wicked depressing.”

Yeah, I know it’s the wrong Nemo. And I don’t care! This one is cuter!

Hook decides on a third option. He tries to use a dreamcatcher to suck the memory of the offending murder out of his brain. This way, Emma never has to know, and he no longer has to feel guilty about this senseless killing (or any of the other 900 or so people he murdered throughout his eternal life). It’s a win / win? Right?

(I mean, at this point, us viewers are all kind of wishing we can forget that Hook killed Emma’s grandfather. So, how can we really blame Hook for doing something we’d all want to do for ourselves!)

“Like for example the time I didn’t tell you that I turned you into a Dark One, and you ended up getting sent to hell as a result. Or the time I didn’t tell you I had a vision of my own death.”

Unfortunately, Emma walks in on Captain Hook using a kitschy hood ornament to suck out part of his brain. This is how she finds out that Hook killed her grandfather, and she’s kind of pissed about it. Note: She’s not really mad about the murder, as much as the whole brain-sucking thing, because that’s just tacky. Emma takes Hook’s willingness to inflict permanent brain damage on himself, rather than tell Emma a tough truth, as a sign that he’s not ready to be her husband. So, Emma sadly returns Hook’s engagement ring to him.

Now fiancé-less and with a woefully un-sucked brain, a Super Depressed Captain Hook tells Captain Nemo he wants to leave with him, possibly forever, on the Bluish Submarine . . . because running from your problems is always the most brave and manly way to deal with them. But then Snow White finds him standing out in the snow, and tells him about how the Evil Queen found her happy ending with Bad!? Robin Hood this week despite both of them being kind of garbage people.

“Hey! I’m a garbage person too!” Hook exclaims excitedly. “That means I can also get my happy ending, despite having murdered your husband’s dad!”

“What?” Snow White asks, shocked.

“Ummmm . . . I said, I think the Evil Queen’s clothes are really rad?” Hook covers poorly.

With a renewed zest for life, Hook rushes to the Bluish Submarine to tell Captain Nemo he’s not going to go on “tour” with him. Rather, he’s going to face the music with Emma, and prove to her that he’s still f*&kable, despite having slashed and burned a portion of her family tree.

So, of course, that douchebag Gideon has to magic himself onto the Bluish Submarine and make it submerge, so Hook can’t get off of it, right? Gideon is the friggin worst!

Once the Bluish Submarine is submerged Gideon magics himself off of it, so he can murder Emma in peace. Once, Gideon is off the ship, Captain Nemo can regain control of it, and bring it back to the surface, so Hook can get off the ship and help his girl . . . or, at least, that’s what Nemo would do if this show had any sense of logic to it. But it doesn’t, so Captain Nemo and Hook sail away on the Bluish Submarine, while Emma stands by the door of her home, looking sad and awaiting certain death . . .

Until next time . . .

ONCE UPON A TIME: Boys Behaving Badly

“I know there’s a porta-potty around here somewhere!”

[Cross published at Agony Booth.com]

This week on Once, the writers bastardize Beowulf (which, in their defense, couldn’t be made much worse than it already was). Also this week, Rumple tries twice to prevent his kids from becoming assholes like him, and is sort of / kind of successful, but only based on technicalities? In other news, Alt-World Robin Hood thinks Regina is a stage-five clinger. And the marriage proposal we’ve all been waiting for finally happens . . . but with a slight (kind of crappy) catch.

Stop Ogre-Compensating, Dad!

“Beowulf: Making high school kids miserable in their English classes since 975 A.D.”

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve had the misfortune of reading Beowulf (my apologies to the anonymous dude who wrote it back in 975). But if I recall correctly, Beowulf was a hero who killed two monsters, Grendel and Grendel’s mommy (the one played by Angelina Jolie in the movie), eventually became king, and then died fighting a dragon. (OK, so I may have “refreshed my memory” on the plot with Wikipedia. Sue me!)

 

In the Once flashback version, Beowulf is a major douchebag loser, who lets Rumple defeat the ogres for him, using a specialized Ogre Murdering Sword (because Ogre Murdering Swords were totally the Swiss Army knives of the 900s, everyone had them, but few knew how to press the right buttons to get them to work correctly). Then, the “hero” Beowulf gets jealous of Rumple, because he was too wimpy to kill the ogres himself. So, Beowulf turns the town against Rumple, by saying that Rumple was only able to defeat the ogres because he’s EEEE-VIL. The townspeople believe this naturally, because Rumple wears too many sparkles on his face. And everyone knows you can’t trust a man with face sparkles. (My apologies to Edward Cullen from Twilight.)

What’s worse, according to Once, Beowulf MADE up the monster Grendel entirely, just to lure Rumple into a trap and frame him for murdering some townspeople that HE killed himself! (Some anonymous dude from 975 is totally rolling over in his grave right now.)

So, anyway, Rumple’s other son Baelfire (Memba him?) is all up in his dad’s grill about defeating “Grendel” without using any magic to prove to the town that he’s not actually EEE-VIL, despite all the creepy face sparkles. So, Rumple, wanting to impress his kid, gives Baelfire the magical “you can control me” Dark One sword, to ensure that Rumple stays on the “magic-free” wagon. Then, the pair go off into the forest to fight “Grendel,” who, as I already mentioned, doesn’t actually exist in this bastardized version of the classic tale.

Once there, of course, the father and son duo come upon that douchebag Beowulf, who is totally out to ruin Rumple’s already lousy sparkle-face reputation. “Imma let you finish,” responds Rumple, because that’s what a “good” person on the “magic free” wagon would do.

 

But then Baelfire CONTROLS his dad and makes him MURDER BEOWULF!!!!

 

Almost immediately thereafter, Baelfire starts stroking the Dark One Sword like Smeogol on Lord of the Rings, laughs maniacally while twirling his prepubescent mustache fuzz, and tells Rumple they should use the Ogre Murdering Sword to KILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE FUN OF RUMPLE’S SPARKLE FACE!!!

W . . .T . . . F!!!!!

Isn’t this the same Baelfire who ran off to another dimension because he hated all magic, thought his dad was the devil, and was more nonviolent than Ghandi? This is some serious retcon sh*t going on here!

But don’t worry, People Who Actually Care About Plot and Continuity. There’s a fix for that. Rumple just makes Baelfire drink some tea that causes him to forget that he’s actually a shitty human being / murderer with a darkened soul. Baelfire swallows the tea, and is instantly a perfect little angel again. And this, if you think about it, would be a really great and inexpensive way to cure America’s prison overpopulation problem. Just saying . . .

My Handsome Loathsome Hero

Speaking of sons of Rumple who are in desperate need of a spanking, Gideon still wants to murder Emma, the Savior of the Universe, because he thinks this will prove that the Black Fairy is wrong, and he’s a really swell guy. “That makes no sense,” exclaims Rumple, when he confronts his son. “None of this plot makes any sense!”

“Well, you see, Dad.” Gideon begins, “It all started when I was a kid reading that ‘My Handsome Hero’ book mom gave me before I was kidnapped, which she believed would be a substitute for ‘good parenting.’ You know, back when she gave me away to that incompetent Blue Fairy to hide me from your evil ass? Anyway, Black Fairy was all like, ‘You want a be a hero? Then, stop me from beating up this other kid in front of your face. And I didn’t, because the book didn’t have anything in it about how to prevent supernatural child abuse. So, now, here I am, ready to make lots of poor life choices, possibly bring about the apocalypse, and use my effed up childhood as a justification for all of it.”

“Cool,” responds Rumple. “Hey, how would you like some nice tea that will make you forget what an asshole you are. It worked on your half-brother!”

Gideon drinks the tea, then shrugs and explains that it doesn’t work on him.

“Why?” Rumples asks, confused.

“Because the plot says so,” responds Gideon.

So, Gideon continues on with his plan to kill Emma, but first he has to repair the Murder Emma sword that broke the last time he tried to fight her and failed miserably, because Gideon sucks at fighting and at life in general. To repair the sword, Gideon needs the blood of the person who made the sword, who just so happens to be . . . wait for it . . . the same useless Blue Fairy that was responsible for losing Gideon to the Black Fairy, in the first place!

“Perfect,” exclaims Gideon, upon learning this new fact. “Everyone hates the Blue Fairy, and now we finally have an excuse to kill her off the show. I really am going to be a hero!”

But nooooooooo . . . Rumple has to go take Blue Fairy’s blood and NOT kill her, so that he can help his son achieve his stupid and misguided dreams, without darkening his already asshole heart. Dammit! We were this close to finally getting rid of Blue Fairy!

Stupid Rumple! Stupid Conveniently Not Working Forget You Are An Asshole Tea!

Sorry Regina, He’s Just Not That Into You

Elsewhere in Storybrooke, Alt World Robin breaks into Zelena’s house. “Are you trying to steal the baby I tricked the other version of you into putting into my womb?” The Wicked Witch asks nervously.

“Meh, kids are the worst, especially ones made partly from your gene cesspool,” explains Robin. “I just want you to help me skip town, because your sister is sooooooo needy, and keeps trying to fix me. Just in the past hour alone, she’s sent me like fifty texts. And they all say things like: ‘Let’s go to church together.’ ‘What are your thoughts on volunteering at a homeless shelter? ‘Stop kicking puppies and strangling old ladies, because it’s impolite.’”

“Every once in a while, I’ll reply ‘New Phone, Who Dis? But she never believes me,” gripes Alt-World Robin.

Zelena happens to be sympathetic to Alt-World Robin’s plight. She also thinks he’s hot. So, Zelena and Alt World Robin agree to break the protection spell around Storybrooke and skip town together. Unfortunately for them, the potion they make to break the protection spell doesn’t work when they try it.

Eventually, Regina confronts them both, and apologizes for being a Stage Five Clinger to Alt-World Robin. She even offers to help him find a way to break the spell and skip town!

Robin is so thankful to Regina for this, that he considers possibly even sleeping with her clingy ass. But then Regina’s Evil Queen alter ego turns back from a snake to a human, and she’s way hotter and more slutty than Regina. So Alt World Robin decides to sleep with her instead.

The Moral of this Story?: Nice girls who used to be evil, but used a magic potion to separate their evil selves from their bodies, always finish last. Also, don’t be a Stage Five Clinger. It’s a real boner killer!

“Marry Me . . . Even Though I Killed Your Grandfather, But It’s Cool, Because I Didn’t Know It Was Him At The Time.”

So, you know how last week on Once, Hook found out that he killed Prince Charming’s dad, but let Prince Charming go on thinking that the King was responsible for his death, because he didn’t want to screw up his relationship with Emma? (Because murderous secrets NEVER screw up relationships! Right?)

Pirate boots are known for their excellent insulation.

Well, now Hook has decided to come clean with Emma about the murder, but before he can do that, Emma spills the beans to him that she knows he wants to propose to her. She even gives him the engagement ring she found in his undie drawer, and tells him she will say yes, when he does it. (Way to be presumptuous, EMMA!)

So, Hook temporarily tables his grandpa-murdering confession, gets on one knee and proposes to Emma. And it’s a super sweet moment . . . one that’s totally going to bite the guy with the hook for a hand in the ass sooner, rather than later.

Until next time, folks!