Greetings Fangbangers! So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you. You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.
Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .
Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting. These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .
Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .
Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving . . .
Matt has the power of Magical Waitering. I’m not quite sure how it works. I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.
Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .
Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .
Why am I telling you all this, you ask?
Simple. It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power. Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him. That’s right, boys and girls. Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .
After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it? It effects your bodily responses, not your brain. It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.
At least, that’s what they’re telling us this week. Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.
And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?
Let’s review, shall we?
[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]
Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!
I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex. Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.
Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .
Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.
And that’s how we started this week’s episode. I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week. Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!
In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess. But, you know . . .
Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .
I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep. Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face. To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.
Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .
Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem. That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal. In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep . . .
Things only got better from there. Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on! We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).
They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.
And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .
Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in . . . well . . . ever. Sire Bond, Schmire Bond. If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it. After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.
From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.
Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .
And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome. Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.
Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.
But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”
Here’s a hint, Damon. If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower . . .
By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now? Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week. Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.
Now, that would be an interesting twist! Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!
“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”
We need to talk . . .
Smug. That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing. In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.
But, alas, Damon restrains himself. And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond. (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!) Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do. If she can do it, she’s sired. If not, not. It’s that simple.
Or is it?
Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood. And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too. I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.
Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .
So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says. At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .
Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works. Elena, of course, is thrilled. Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!
“Now, can we have sex?”
Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time. But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency. Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .
Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.
And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .
Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1. I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario. In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this. “Hey Elena. That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now. That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”
All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .
Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian
With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode. So, I’m going to summarize it as such.
Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.
If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids. But apparently, another one has magically appeared. And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER . . . Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .
“I’m calling PETA!”
At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events. And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew. It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise. They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”
(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass. Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)
Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond. You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley
sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.” (Geez! Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?) And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, T y-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.
Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .
Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley. Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .
In slightly less awesome news . . .
Another Brick in the Wall . . .
As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .
. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did. For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural. It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud! I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.
Aside from that, HELLO! MARDI GRAS! FAT TUESDAY! That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.
Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .
I wanna do real bad things with you . . .
But enough griping. Let’s focus on what actually happened. Shall we?
Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon. Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.
Odd right? Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother. You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap! Not again! Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”
Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.
You know what that tells me? Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .
You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink. Talk about someone with anger management issues. But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.
Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD. But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond. Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .
Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond. Talk about the power of suggestion!
Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE . . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!
As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work. And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely. He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again. I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .
Oh look! It’s Lexi Fruitcake!
I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf. I mean, come on! How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?” It’s exhausting . . .
Speaking of exhausting . . .
Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?
Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline. It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another. So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.
Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons? Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon. Go figure! Maybe all that “Spirit Tea”
(Come on TVD! Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY! Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .
Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t. But it would be a start.
Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1. Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis. Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .
But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there. (Can vampires even get STDs?)
The comment infuriates Elena. And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more. Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon . . .
. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises. YEAH! YOU GO GIRL! YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH! I know I will . . .
Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their exile. Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .
Alls well that ends witchy . . .
Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people. AWK-WARD!
Want to see things get more uncomfortable? Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t. Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic. Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to? Maybe . . .
But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet. It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!
After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another. Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!
But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again. I don’t know. That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?
You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal. Like, for example, “Hey Elena. Here’s a thought. When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you. You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it. Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . . You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”
Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?
And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house. I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?
“Hi neighbor! We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks? I meant STAKES!”
Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline . . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .
“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”
Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler. And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .
Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively. But, alas, it is to no avail. Elena then calls Tyler for help. And, wouldn’t you know it? Tyler’s on Team Delena too! (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!) He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT, not how you feel.
And though I like that idea, because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .
. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me. I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .
Dominance and Submission
During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle. For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.
To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Elena! Elena! Elena!”
Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked. She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.
As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee. Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees. (KINKY!)
“Shhh. We’re not really supporting Tyler. We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce. And our legs are tired.”
It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.
In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .
Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones. And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you. Your parents are dead anyway. So, I basically got you to work for free.”
Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents. And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her. But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago. And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .
Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.
After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves. He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him. You can see it on his face. He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed. And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.
But here’s a surprise. For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.” It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW. It’s who knows about the sire bond. And doesn’t care. And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”
And how does Damon respond?
Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers! Haha, sucks doesn’t it!
Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .
Until next time!