This week on Once, Belle’s “baby” keeps haunting her dreams, while not so subtly hitting on her, and no one is supposed to think that’s weird. Aladdin becomes a Genie, and moves into a lamp, which I guess beats his prior job of living in a cave and being unemployed. Emma finds the sword that will eventually be used to “kill her,” but doesn’t even consider destroying it, because we still need to drag out this storyline for another few months. Meanwhile, in the past, we meet Rumpel’s mommy, and she’s precisely as awful as you imagined her to be.
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Baby-and-Switch
Once Upon a Time, Rumpel was holding Belle hostage in his castle (a.k.a the golden years of their relationship). One day he brings home a baby he kidnapped, turns to Belle and says, “Whatever you do, please don’t try to save this baby from me,” knowing full well that Belle will do exactly that. Using reverse psychology, i.e. the oldest trick in the book, Rumpel then tricks Belle into translating a fairy incantation he will need to call upon the baby-eating Black Fairy.
Belle, who has grown pretty attached to the kidnapped baby (probably, because it hasn’t cried or pooped in days, and, therefore, is likely some form of robot baby), feels super bad about the part she unwittingly played in it maybe becoming some evil fairy’s Lean Cuisine.
And so, Belle follows Rumpel into the forest where he uses the robot baby to summon the baby-eating Black Fairy. As it turns out, the baby-eating Black Fairy is Rumpel’s MOM! Rumpel didn’t really want the baby to be eaten! He just wants to know why his mother decided to abandon him, when she could have just eaten him, like she does all the other babies in town!
See guys? Rumpel’s really a good guy! He just has Mommy Issues! And that should totally excuse him for all the terrible stuff he’s done over the past six years!
Anywhoo, baby-eating Black Fairy doesn’t seem to have a really good reason as to why she abandoned, rather than ate, Rumpel. (Maybe all the glitter on his baby face would have caused her indigestion!) This gives Rumpel a major case of the sads. No one likes to be rejected by their parents, even if being rejected could potentially save them from having their arms chewed off.
The good news that came from all this was that the kidnapped robot baby never got eaten either! So, Belle got to return him (or her?) to its rightful owners. And they all lived happily ever after . . . except for Rumpel, who was sad, and his mom, who was still hungry, and Belle, who was still being held hostage . . . So, basically only the kidnapped robot baby and his (or her) parents lived happily ever after.
I’m a Genie in the Bottle, Baby!
Meanwhile, in present day, Jasmine and Aladdin want to use the Genie lamp they found to return to Agrabah and save it from Jafar and other assorted Bad Stuff. But when they shake it, they find that there is no Genie in it, which means they totally got ripped off, and should return it for a full refund. But then, Aladdin says, “Hey, what the heck? I’m broke and homeless, and just got suckered into owning a Genie-less lamp. The least I can do is use it as a rent free apartment and a job opportunity.”
And so Aladdin becomes a Genie, which means that the next person who gets that lamp is also going to be getting a raw deal. Robin Williams this guy most definitely is not. I mean unless the owner is wishing for someone who can alternate between twelve accents in a single sentence, they are probably out of luck.
The Sister Act
Rumpel tells the Evil Queen that she wants to keep boning him, she has to kill her sister, the Wicked Witch, first. As, we’ve previously established, the Evil Queen is super horny, and, therefore, sees this as a small price to pay for some nookie. So, the Evil Queen goes to the Wicked Witch’s house to murder her, but instructs the Witch to put down her daughter first. (See? The Evil Queen isn’t a TOTAL monster. Then again, maybe she just plans on feeding the Wicked Witch’s kid to the baby-eating Black Fairy.)
Right when the Evil Queen is about to murder the Wicked Witch, Regina stops her, using their shared heart as leverage. When the Wicked Witch thanks Regina for saving her life, Regina responds, “I didn’t do it for you. I did it because I’m a ‘good person’ now. And being a good person gives me the right to occasionally be a self-righteous prick, and save people’s lives, just to prove how much better I am then them. I still hate your guts though, so toodles.”
The Sword and the Boning
While in Rumpel’s shop to help Belle find the squid ink she believes will protect her from Rumpel (more on that in a bit), Emma and Hook come upon a sword with a red jewel in it that makes Emma’s carpal tunnel and death hallucinations act up really bad. Emma eventually figures out that this is because the sword with the red jewel in it was the one she was stabbed with in her “vision.”
“We should totally have this sword destroyed,” says Hook. “If we do, then we will know that at least one part of your vision won’t come true. And maybe your fate will be changed, and your life will be saved.”
(Or, at least, that’s what Hook would have said if he had a brain in that sexy head of his.)
Instead, Emma and Hook decide to take the instrument of her death home with them, so that she can sleep with it next to her on her bedside table every night, making it super easy and convenient for her killer to take it and use it on her. (Because Emma Swan is nothing if not thoughtful and generous with those who wish her dead.)
Now, for the main storyline of the hour . . .
Belle’s Baby . . . He’s Not Just the Creepy Stalker Guy in Her Dreams Anymore
Belle’s fear that Rumpel will speed up her birth, so he can use the Magical Un-Savior scissors on the pair’s son, so the baby will love his daddy more or something, is confirmed when Rumpel turns a young Asian nun into an old Asian nun, and sends her to Belle as a warning . . . also, I think, as an advertisement for moisture cream and Botox.
As Belle researches a magic spell that will protect her and her unborn child from Rumpel and his Magical Un-Savior scissors, her future “son” Morpheus (who I am growing more and more convinced isn’t actually her son, but rather just some guy who has a mommy fetish and a really creepy crush on Belle) keeps dragging her into his “dream world” to remind her to keep him away from Rumpel (Is that what the cool kids are calling sex nowadays? Dream World? Come on, you can tell me!).
Of course, being an annoying Dream World guy, Morpheus never actually tells Belle what she has to do to win this Game of Keep Away. Instead, he just keeps cryptically telling her that “she knows what to do.” (For you guys out there who are reading this, all 1.5 of you, this is basically like when your girlfriend or wife is mad at you for some reason, but rather than telling you what it is, just continues to insist that “you know what you did!” It’s totally The Worst, am I right? And this is coming from a woman!)
Rumpel runs into Belle at some point during all of this, and insists that he will never give up on trying to get back his son. Take it to court, buster! Then, Belle leaves and goes to Granny’s Diner, where SOMEONE has laced her tea with quick birthing magic. So, Belle immediately goes into labor.
The nice thing about Quick Birthing Magic, is that it makes labor super easy. So Belle gives birth in about two minutes, without even messing up her makeup or her hair. She’s basically like, “Ow, ow . . .oh, there’s my baby.” Quick Birthing Magic also ensures that the baby is born completely clean with nary a drop of blood, placenta, or guts on his forehead.
Remind me again why Belle was so against this happening? Has Quick Birthing Magic been FDA approved yet? Because I’m willing to bet this drug could make a fortune!
Belle, who believes her baby will never be safe if he’s in Storybrooke with her, gives her child to Blue Fairy to care for “temporarily,” (i.e. until he can come back next season as a surly 15-year old, played by a sexy 25-year old). Belle names the baby Gideon, after a character from her favorite childhood fairytale, and sends him on his way. (Wait, I thought the baby’s name was Morpheus! I told you Creepy Dream Guy was a liar!)
Rumpel arrives shortly after the super speedy and clean birthing has taken place, and is heartbroken that he missed a chance to see his son in his baby form, because the kid is probably going to be ten years old in about three minutes. Belle refuses to tell Rumpel the name of his child, which is kind of cruel. But, in her defense, she may still be confused as to whether his name is Gideon or Morpheus.
Rumpel goes back to his shop to find the Evil Queen gloating. It turns out it was SHE and not him, who dosed Belle with Quick Birthing Magic, in order to put another nail in the coffin of their already deader than dead relationship. “Nice to see Belle left your kid with a fairy, because they totally make the best moms. I mean, look how good YOU turned out,” Evil Queen muses, which is awful, but also kind of hilarious.
Now, Rumpel is super mad at Evil Queen and they are enemies again, which means that their inevitable next Hate Sex scene is probably going to burn my retinas.
“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”
We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .
On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.
I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .
Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled
So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?
I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)
When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .
Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .
If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.
“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”
“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.
“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.
“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).
And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”
When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!
Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .
As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .
A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.
Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.
With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.
With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.
Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.
Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.
To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .
In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen
At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.
Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.
Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.
“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”
For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.
Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.
It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa
With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.
House Mormont is not amused!
In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .
Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.
After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.
Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .
. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .
What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .
I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .
Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.
Honestly, can you blame her?
At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.
This can’t end well . . .
Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .
We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .
Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .
This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .
To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.
This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.
At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.
Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .
Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?
“I know you are but what am I?”
Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .
Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .
“Here’s WUNWUN!”
Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.
All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . . 😦
We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.
With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!
And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .
And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.
You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!
Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!
(Please note: This is the recap for Once’s Episode 9: “The Bear King”. To read the recap of Episode 8: “Birth” click here.)
Sometimes life interferes with art, and that art, must in turn, adapt itself to life, or perish. Sometimes that adaptation process leads to better, more innovative, art. And sometimes the adaptation process leads to . . . well . . . “The Bear King.”
This is not to say that “The Bear King” was a terrible episode of Once. I for one, have seen many worse episodes of the series . . . like that random black and white one about Dr. Whale / Frankenstein, for example.
Instead, I am merely noting that, the American Music Awards’ upcoming and inevitable preemption of next week’s Once, naturally resulted in ABC having one less week to air a full order of episodes. And this, in turn, resulted in the showrunners’ decision to offer up an immediate follow-up to the series’ landmark episode “Birth” that had significantly less impact on season 5’s main storytelling arc than I suspect it would have, had the episode aired next week, as originally intended.
Let’s review, shall we?
You Hat Me at Hello
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of DunBroch (where being a ginger head is a dominant trait, and everyone has a nearly incomprehensible Scottish accent) Merida’s daddy, then-King Fergus, made a deal with a witch in exchange for a stupid-looking helmet, which was supposed to make Daddy’s clansman like him enough to die horribly painful deaths in battle on his behalf.
The King’s receipt of a Stupid Hat that makes him popular, and everyone else around him dumb and suicidal, couldn’t have happened at a better time. After all, his kingdom is about to go to war. Also his daughter, Merida, is about to fight in her very first battle.
The King hires Mulan to help Merida learn how to fight, probably because the Kung Fu Panda and Buzz Lightyear were busy that day.
On the first day of war, Mulan distracts Merida with training on the King’s instructions, because the King doesn’t want his daughter to die for his popular ginger ass. As a result Merida witnesses from afar, but isn’t able to prevent, her father’s untimely demise at the hand of a masked warrior, who stabs him in the gut, and steals his Stupid Hat right off his dead head.
It’s kind of heart-wrenching actually. So heart-wrenching that I can’t make snarky jokes about it. So instead, enjoy this adorable picture of a basket of puppies . . .
The Bear Necessities
That was then, this is now . . .
In present day, Merida is about to be crowned Queen of DunBroch. But then that witch from the beginning of the episode crashes the coronation, and tells Merida, she needs to return her the Stupid Hat, or all the gingers and people with bad Scottish accents in her kingdom will get turned into bears. . . quite possibly even the cute cartoon bears with the toilet paper on their butts from the Charmin commercials.
A fate worse than death!
Merida finds her old pal Mulan to ask her for help finding the Stupid Hat. But Mulan isn’t in a very helpful mood, due to #LesbianHeartbreak.
Soon after, Merida herself, experiences a setback, when she begins to doubt her family legacy, and by extension, her own ability to lead her kingdom, as a result of her father being dumb enough to think that wearing Stupid Hat would make him popular with a bunch of dudes just because some old lady told him it was so. This revelation freaks out Merida so much, that she actually offers up the ability to rule her kingdom to those three douchebags she almost married during the movie Brave, if they manage to find the Stupid Hat before she does.
“Stupid Hats are our specialty!”
But then Mulan meets up with Erstwhile Werewolf Red, who is back in the Enchanted Forest due to “feeling different than other women,” and “not fitting in,” and suddenly #LesbianHeartbreak Mulan is feeling #hopefulandhorny. And so, with Sexy Red in toe, Mulan leads the charge in finding the Stupid Hat that Merida needs, in order to save her kingdom from becoming #Bear-yUnhappy.
Also searching for the Stupid Hat are King Arthur and Wicked Witch Zelena, aka Mr. and Mrs. The Worst. King Arthur wants the hat because, apparently, spraying his kingdom with Stepford Doofus dust wasn’t enough to secure their loyalty, because he’s just that terrible and inherently unpopular of a person. Zelena wants the Stupid Hat because she’s having a really bad hair day today.
No Fair! Zelena is already wearing a stupid hat. She can’t have two!
Red uses her wolfy sense of smell to ascertain that Arthur was actually the guy who killed Merida’s dad back in the day, which means he should currently be the proud owner of the Stupid Hat, which, as we already know, he isn’t.
When Red, Mulan and Merida confront Arthur, he admits that the Stupid Hat Arthur pried from King Fergus’ dead head was actually a fake Stupid Hat. (Don’t get me wrong, it was still a STUPID Hat, it just wasn’t the same Stupid Hat that had the power to make you popular.)
You know what this means don’t you? Merida’s dad, King Fergus, was a good ginger! Sure, he wore Stupid Hats, and spoke with an incomprehensible Scottish accent, but he didn’t use either of those things to become popular, and make his kingdom members die for him. They were dumb enough to do that all on their own, all dunce caps aside!
Merida is elated! Her dad is a ginger hero! Also, she didn’t have to lose her kingdom to those three douchebags she almost married. In fact, they (and everybody else in town) like her now, because she was willing to give up being Queen to save the rest of the kingdom from being turned into bears by an old witch. So, Merida is popular now. Also, she has the Stupid Hat. She found it in the water, right where her dad buried it right before she died.
Note: It is currently unclear whether: (1) Merida’s getting the Stupid Hat that makes you popular and 2)Merida actually becomes popular are related. But I think we are supposed to think they are entirely coincidental because “morals” and because “impressionable kids are watching.”
By any stretch of the imagination, I’m not what anyone would call a big time reader of “The Good Book,” but I do remember the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Isaac is Abraham’s son. One night, Abraham believes he hears the word of God telling him to sacrifice his son to for him. So Abraham obediently ties up Isaac on a mountain top, and is prepared to slaughter his own kid. But just before he can do it, the Angel of God comes down from Heaven and says. “Just kidding. God was just testing your loyalty. You can go ahead and kill that ram over there, instead of your kid.”
To which, Abraham replies, “Cool.”
And Isaac replies, “Phew, that was a close one.”
I remember being really horrified by the story as a child. (I’m still horrified.) The fact that the ending of the story was a “happy” one (though not, admittedly, for the ram), for me, didn’t change the fact that Abraham, who, by all accounts, was supposed to be a pretty good guy, was more than willing to murder his own kid in cold blood, just because he thought it would make God happy.
That type of religious fanaticism is generally frowned upon in polite society . . .
Grumpy ram is grumpy.
Watching this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Here we have Stannis, a super religious guy, who, we are led to believe, loves his daughter very much. He loves her enough to pay for the most expensive doctors from all across the land to cure her of her greyscale, when everyone tells him she is a lost cause. He loves her enough to keep her at home with him, risking himself, rather than sending her off to live and die a horrible death with the stonemen, like as so many with her ailment have done before her.
And yet, when the going gets tough, Stannis doesn’t hesitate for more than a few seconds before making the decision to murder his only daughter, submit her to a public and agonizingly painful death by fire. He sends Davos, Shireen’s closest companion, away on a mission, to ensure that he doesn’t intervene in her impending death. And for what? To satisfy the Lord of Light? To appease his nutjob mistress? Because he’s deluded enough to think that his daughter’s death will provide him with the “good luck” he needs to win the Battle of Winterfell and take over the Iron Throne?
The only throne Stannis deserves to sit on after this week’s episode. (Actually, its the only throne he deserves to be flushed down, TBH.)
It all seems so ridiculous, and petty . . . so callous and awful. It’s also literally biblical.
Unfortunately for Shireen Baratheon, there was no Angel of God on hand to tell Stannis he could take out an animal instead of his own daughter. And unfortunately for us, Shireen was burned alive, leaving her no chance of coming back as a White Walker and murdering the crap out of her shitty dad, and his even shittier girlfriend . . .
“Come at me, STANNIS!”
In more lighthearted news, Jamie gets to return to Dorne with his niece/daughter and Bronn in tow. Syrio’s murderer. Meryn Trant, is a disgusting pedophile, but is most definitely going to die next week. Everybody on the Wall hates Jon Snow now, but at least his cool new giant friend has his back. Jorah, Tyrion, Daario, and Missandrei will live to die another day. And Dany got a bitchin new set of wheels.
Let’s review, shall we?
Twenty Good Men versus One Horrible Father
In my recap last week, I derided Ramsey Bolton’s “twenty good men” battle strategy as being patently awful. This week, I get to eat my words . . .
“Mmm, crow. Yummy!”
Ramsey may be the most detestable human being on this show (though, after this week, the competition just got a heck of a lot stiffer), but even I have to admit, as a war strategist, he’s not too shabby. Sneaking twenty men into Stannis’ camps at nightfall, and burning their food supply, weapons, and many of their horses, effectively preventing the iron throne contender from fighting OR retreating was pretty ingenious.
(And the fact that I just complimented Sansa’s rapist makes me physically nauseous.)
Stannis asks Davos to go back to the Wall to ask them for food and supplies. Davos rightfully thinks it’s suspicious that Stannis is sending his “hand” on a begging errand, as opposed to, say, someone who is not a regular cast member on the show. “Can I stay here, and keep you from making the terrible decisions you always make when I’m not around?” Davos asks pleadingly.
“No,” says Stannis.
“Can I take your wife and daughter with me to protect them from your horrible Non-Davos Approved decision making skills?” Davos tries again.
“No,” repeats Stannis.”
“Can I just take your daughter with me then, so that you don’t brutally murder her for nonsensical religious nutjob reasons, thereby forcing the fans of this show to actually root for that horrible sociopath Ramsey to beat you in the Battle of Winterfell, because they think you are a shameful excuse for a human being, and then hate themselves for doing so, because Ramsey is The Absolute Worst?”
“No,” says Stannis for a third time. “I want you to leave so I can kill my daughter, and all that bad stuff you just said can come true.”
“OK,” says Davos, and then he leaves.
Davos may now be able to read, but his ability to recognize subtext clearly still needs a little work . . .
Davos then goes on to have an adorable moment with Shireen, just so that you remember how much you like her, and to make you feel like that much more sh*t when she dies.
“The bad news is that you are about to die for moronic reasons, and I won’t be there to save you. The good news is, I made you a crappy buck Christmas ornament for you to play with during your last hours of life,” explains Davos.
“Hooray, Bambi’s dad!” Shireen exclaims excitedly as she examines her new toy. “Where’s Bambi’s mom?”
“You’ll see her soon enough,” mumbles Davos under his breath.
“What did you say?” Shireen inquires.
“Oh nothing, what are you reading?” Davos asks, eager to change the subject.
“It’s called ‘Dance of Dragons.’ It’s the title of this episode. It’s about two Targaryens who battle one another for power and start a civil war. It teaches you how killing your family members for greedy reasons only results in more bloodshed.”
“Make sure to show that book to your dad,” Davos instructs before heading off on his Mission of Distraction.
Stannis Baratheon may be excellent at grammar, but, apparently, his reading comprehension is for absolute shit. He totally misses the point of the story Shireen is reading. “Which Targaryen did you like better? Who was the better leader?” Stannis inquires of his daughter.
“Um, neither, because they were both willing to kill their own bloodline, and sacrifice half of their people for some macho pissing contest?” Shireen patiently explains.
“But one of them had to piss better, right? Longer stream? Better aim?” Stannis presses. (See what I mean about Stannis belonging in a toilet?)
“Wow, I am way too good of a person to live in this miserable world governed by men like you,” Shireen muses.
“Yeah, about that . . .” begins Stannis.
When Shireen bravely tells Stannis she would do anything to help her father in the war effort, I think she expects him to ask her to do something nice, like teach the army to read, or put on a play using her new Christmas ornament to life the men’s spirits. What she gets is . . . well . . . not that at all.
As any Hitchcock fan will tell you, sometimes the things you don’t see , and therefore, have to envision with your mind’s eye, are the scariest and most frightening of all. We didn’t need to see Sansa’s rape to know it was horrific. Hearing her cries of anguish, and seeing Reek’s tears, was enough to leave her pain indelibly etched in our memory.
Likewise, we don’t need to see Shireen burnt at the stake to be traumatized by it. Hearing her screams, and unanswered pleas for her parents to save her, as her mother collapses in a useless last-minute show of anguish and remorse, and Stannis stoically stares ahead, rightfully hating himself for the monster he’s become, is more than enough.
Rest in Peace, Shireen Baratheon. Here’s hoping you are in a better place, now . . . one with all the books you could ever want to read, and all the toys you could ever desire, because Westeros most certainly didn’t deserve you.
Jon Snow’s Approval Rating = Sam%
“Does this mean I don’t get to be prom king anymore?”
After last week’s Zombie Apocalypse, Jon and his new Wildling friends are eager to get back within the safety of the Wall. But Substitute Teacher, Alliser Thorne makes them sweat it out a little bit, before eventually letting them inside.
As someone who was born sexy, Jon Snow is not used to being unpopular. I mean, sure, he was born a bastard. But it didn’t matter. Men and women always liked him instinctively, because he was really, really ridiculously good looking.
Needless to say, Jon is not used to getting the barrel full of stink eye he gets served upon crossing the threshold into the Wall Watchers camp. “Don’t worry. You can still sit at my lunch table. Your new friend, Giant Guy, can be our bodyguard against bullying.”
“I suggest you get a Valyrian steel vest, because these guys are totally going to Julius Caesar your ass, with Olly playing the role of Brutus,”offers Alliser Thorne, somewhat less supportively.
Just What Westeros Needs . . . More Creepy Pedos
Over in Braavos, Arya is back in her clam girl costume, and ready to give that old oyster-eating dude Jagen’s “gift” of little girl’s perfume . . . just kidding, it’s poison. Before she can finish the job though, Arya spots Meryn Trant, the guy who killed her first swordfighting teacher Syrio. Meryn is in town on business for the Lannisters, and as we know, Meryn is on Arya’s Death List. Arya knows she’s supposed to just poison the old oyster-eating dude and go home. But surely Jagen has enough poison around Burgerless White Castle for both douchebags! Arya thinks to herself.
Arya follows Meryn to a brothel, where he repeatedly turns down increasingly younger prostitutes (the first looked to be about 27, the last, about 14) for being “too old.” (When even the head of a brothel looks disgusted with your sexual proclivities you KNOW you are a creeper.) Eventually, the head of the brothel finds someone off the street who looks to be about Arya’s age, to “please” the despicable Meryn.
Arya gets discovered snooping around the brothel, and is unceremoniously kicked out, before she can poison Meryn, but not before she overhears the brothel owner’s promise to get Meryn a fresh new “young blood” for the following night. Methinks Arya is about to go undercover as a “lady of the night.” Now, THAT should be interesting. Gross . . . but interesting.
Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya fibs to Jagen that old oyster-eating dude “wasn’t hungry,” to explain away why she didn’t kill him.
Mr. Two Truths and a Lie Guy gives Arya this look, like he knows she’s full of shit. But, for the time being, he keeps his mouth shut.
Hmmm, I wonder if you get fired from Burgerless White Castle whether you can collect unemployment?
Sexual Deviants Unite!
Over in Dorne, Doran Martell’s “throne” is revealed to have wheels, thus proving that my “Doran has no legs” theory might actually be not far off the mark! In other news, Jamie is allowed to take Myrcella and her betrothed Trystane back to Smells Like Shit Kings Landing, where Jamie’s daughter/niece will be forced to wear more age-appropriate clothing, and Trystane will take the deceased Oberon’s seat on the council.
It’s so nice to see two people who love one another “in the biblical sense,” who aren’t actually related.
It’s great news for Jamie, but crappy news for Myrcella, because, while Dorne may be boring as crap to watch, it seems like a way more fun place to live than the poo-smelling place being run by the creepy religious cult.
Bronn gets to come back to Kings Landing too (and sing more solos, I hope), but only after that James Earl Jones-sounding guy punches him in the face for knocking out Trystane a few weeks back.
As for Ellaria and the infamous Sand Snakes, their silly badly choreographed wedding dance of a gambit to kidnap Myrcella is thankfully wrapped up just as quickly and with as little fanfare as it was introduced. Ellaria is forced to repledge her allegiance to Doran in front of the tearful Sand Snakes. Then, just in case you weren’t sure if she really meant it, Ellaria pays Jamie a visit, in which she tells him that his incest baby-making machine love story with Cersei is totally cool, and not at all gross, like everyone else thinks it is!
“People who hate incest are so judgy,” Ellaria explains. “Here in Eternal Spring Break Dorne, all forms of f*cking, are totally approved and encouraged. It’s why our entire male animal population walks with a limp.”
Speaking of animals . . .
The Great Escape
Another day, another brutal murder extravaganza in the fighting pits of Mereen. Dany is surrounded by all her men, each trying not so subtly win her favor (except for Tyrion, who already has it, because he’s a bad ass, obviously). She’s got Daario at her back, bragging about his own awesomeness as a former pit fighter, extoling the virtues of a small and quick fighter, over a large lumbering and slow one. (He says this just as the small fighter in the pit, gets his head unceremoniously lobbed off by the big guy. Oops.) Hizdahr is still yammering on about how the fighting pits maintain the cordiality of polite society by giving men an outlet for their bloodthirsty natures. It also has the added benefit of keeping the rich (like him), rich. “My father would have liked you,” notes Tyrion casually. (From the guy who killed his father, this is not a compliment.)
Then, yet another suitor reveals himself in the fighting pits. Jorah is back. And Dany is visibly affected by the sheer stupidity of the guy, who just can’t stop himself from trying to die on her behalf. Once again, Jorah easily disposes of all his red shirt adversaries. (Though this time, running through them Tazmanian Devil style doesn’t work, and he actually has to kill them all.)
But the big finish comes when Jorah, shoots an arrow into the stands at Dany’s would-be assassin with the funny looking orgy mask from Eyes Wide Shut, saving her life. That’s right, boys and girls, the Sons of the Harpy are back, and they are not f*cking around.
Instantly about thirty more funny looking masks appear throughout the crowd, as their eerie theme music of guttural chanting starts to play in the pits. (Because, apparently, one of them is carrying a boom box?) All hell breaks loose. The Sons of the Harpy begin killing people in the stands indiscriminately, rich, poor, Hizdhar, who up until the moment he bit it, I honestly thought was part of the conspiracy until right after he bit it.
Sorry!
Jorah, who knows there’s nothing like a life-threatening blood bath to really get those sexy juices flowing, jumps up from the pit and slow-mo grabs Dany’s hand, romantic comedy movie style. And I know we are all supposed to think it’s super sweet, and ship it, hard core. But was I the only one that was genuinely worried about the fact that Jorah has greyscale when this was happening?
After all, last we heard, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties, through simple skin contact. “Don’t let them touch you,” Tyrion advised, when Jorah and he were ambushed by a stone man in an earlier episode.
Now, perhaps, Dany’s immune to Greyscale, due to her main character status, but still . . . risky move, Jorah.
Anywhoo, Team Dany (Dany, Daario, Jorah, Tyrion and Missandrei) soon find themselves inside the pits surrounded by Harpies who want them dead. Dany clasps Missandrei’s hand and closes her eyes, preparing for an end to her story that will most certainly not involve her breaking the wheel of Westeros.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there . . . with a dragon that will kill everybody!”
Then, comes Drogon . ..
Dany’s eldest son got back from college just time, apparently. He’s breathing fire on Harpys and eating them left and right, like it’s no big thang. But he’s taking a few pesky swords in his back, as he does it. Everyone seems to stop fighting for a few minutes, to watch Dany maternally fuss over Drogon’s wounds. Then, she hops on his back and instructs him to blow this popsicle stand, presumably, to head toward Westeros.
It’s exciting. It’s triumphant. It’s . . . kind of shitty for Tyrion, Jorah, Daario and Missandrei, who clearly thought Drogon’s ride toward “not dying” was more than a single-seater . . .
Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.
It has snappy one liners . . .
Hot people tearfully kissing . . .
Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .
And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .
Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.
Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.
But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.
I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.
Greetings Fangbangers! This week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries explored the many ways in which humans (and vampires) can be prisoners . . .
“Is it Friday yet?”
They can be literal prisoners, locked in jail cells and deprived of freedom, like Damon, Sexy New Latin Lover Enzo (played by newcomer Michael Malarkey . . . mama like . . . . A LOT), and later Elena, were to those wackjob sadists fondly referred to as “Augustine” . . .
“On the bright side, conjugal visits just became much more convenient.”
They could be prisoners of their own bodies and mortality, like the supposedly-rapidly-decaying-and-dying-but-still-looks-frustratingly-stunning-sexy-and-wrinkle-free Katherine Pierce . . .
Wait until she learns that humans actually gain weight . . .
They could be prisoners of their sorry fate and unfortunately evil legacy, like that eternal sad sack, who makes Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, look downright cheery, Aaron Whitmore . . .
And they could be prisoners of their own minds, like good ole “my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, and my face twin, locked me in a safe at the bottom of a river, hence all the screaming, hyperventilating and crying I’ve been doing lately,” Stefan . . .
“Dear WebMD, does Aspirin work on Vampires?”
Whatever your personal prison, you didn’t need to have vampire blood running through your brains to relate to at least one of the storylines of “The Cell,” which, as a refreshing change from the uber complex mythology and whiplash fast repeated plot twists of “the Silas Storyline” actually worked pretty well as a standalone episode, with a focus on character motivation and basic interpersonal relationships that we haven’t really seen since the series’ heyday back in Season 2.
So break out your favorite trusty old safe (hopefully, you’ve sanitized it first), choke down your daily blood rations, and turn up the radio on that old classic 50’s tune, because it’s time to “go a-walking after midnight” with this latest TVD recap . . .
La Casa de Rich and Slimy
No wonder, Damon never had any qualms about offing his ancestor Zach Salvatore back in Season 1 of TVD! It seems these Salvatores have a pretty long history of familial betrayal . . . one that dates back at least as far as the early 50’s, when Some Random Salvatore used the now infamous Boarding House (where Damon and Stefan have been drinking, sexing up numerous women who look like Nina Dobrev, and brooding for the past five seasons) to lure a very James Dean-y version of Damon into a life of captivity and torture, all for “the good of science” and a bit of cash, of course.
When Damon found out about this betrayal (upon receiving a neck full of vervain for his trouble) he was less than pleased.
And so, he found a rather creative way to seek vengeance on his less-than-trustworthy relative: death-by-whiskey-glass. Granted, this form of death is not quite as visually appealing, as a good old-fashioned heart-extraction-from-chest-and-subsequent-tossing-of-heart-on-floor-like-it’s-a-piece-of-lint-on-your-shirt, but it will do in a pinch.
“This whiskey tastes funny. Perhaps, it has something to do with the rim of the glass having just been inside my great, great, great grandson’s carotid artery . . .”
Enter Dr. Whitmore . . .
Psycho sadist by day, douchebag who wears a pocket square by night . . .
He’s thrilled that Death-By-Whiskey resulted in a surprise discount on his Vampire Pin Cushion purchase, but bummed that his test subject is still awake. Fortunately, a bit more vervain will fix that right up . . .
Back in the present day, Damon finds himself once again, a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Whitmore). Only this time, fashions have changed (he’s wearing a black shirt instead of a white one), and vampire jail is much lonelier without a super sexy guest star in the next cell with which to shoot the breeze. Fortunately for Damon, company is on the way . . .
“Black is the new black.”
“Sorry all your friends and family died. But let’s talk about me for a change . . .”
It appears that one of the unfortunate side effects of being on a show where everybody’s sole point of interest and topic of conversation is you, is that you tend to become a wee bit self-absorbed . . .
“But enough about me, let’s talk about me.”
And because she is a victim of her own circumstances, I guess we have to cut Elena a bit of slack for KILLING JESSE one night, and popping up at his MASSIVELY DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING SUICIDAL former roommate’s dorm room the next morning, and asking him to come frolicking with her in search of her errant boyfriend.
Fortunately, for Elena, Sad Aaron is so desperate for non-brutally murdered people to befriend, that if he spotted a cockroach on his window sill, he’d probably invite it out for beers, and offer to be its wingman while it tried to pick up chicks . . .
And so he gallantly invites the only person on the show who is a bigger Grim Reaper than he is, over to his family mansion where, unbeknownst to him, his “guardian” is using Elena’s boyfriend to play a live action version of the beloved childhood game “Operation.” (Just don’t remove his funny bone, Mmm-kay, Doctor Death. We like our Elder Salvatore Brother sexy AND snarky.)
If you recall, the last time Elena was here, she had to hang out outside, because the owner of the house wasn’t around to invite her in. This time, she dances around awkwardly, waiting for Aaron to do the polite thing, and let the female bloodsucker cross his threshold.
It’s at this point in the story that we learn (1) Aaron is a Whitmore, which means his dead family like TOTALLY owns the college; (2) Elena’s dad may or may not have been in league with the nefarious Augustines; and (3) Doctor Death became Aaron’s legal guardian, after the death of his last living relative Useless Aunt Jenna Aunt Sarah.
We interrupt this trip down Plot Twist lane, so that Elena can get stabbed in the neck with a vervain syringe . . .
(Personally, I prefer the good old fashioned neck snap for characters who need a “temporary time out,” but I guess this will do, in a pinch.)
Another Fail “Safe” Plan
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan thinks writing about her problems in a diary will make Katherine want to kill herself less.
(Yeah, Stefan, because that worked SO WELL for you!)
But Katherine has never really been much of a writer (or a reader) for that matter. So, she tells Stefan he should stop focusing on Katherine’s suicidal tendencies and start trying to figure out why the same guy who ate his own father without flinching, now goes into girly hysterics every time he pictures an itty bitty box . . .
I mean, I thought vampires were supposed to like coffins?
Katherine invites her new bestie Caroline over to shock Stefan out of his PTSD, by locking him in a safe, until he’s not afraid of being there anymore.
She even brought her own trusty safe to use in Stefan’s treatment. “But don’t worry,” she tells the seriously freaked out younger Salvatore brother. “I sanitized it.”
Yes, Caroline, because germs have always been a vampire’s worst enemy . . .
Stefan’s first run-in with the safe doesn’t exactly go well, in the sense that he’s throwing a full-on temper tantrum within minutes of getting inside. (Can you imagine this guy in a tanning bed? It would not be pretty.)
Katherine wonders out loud whether Stefan’s problem is not the safe at all, but rather, his pen*s. This logic inspires in her a rather brilliant idea. (Katherine not be particularly literary. And she may never have enrolled in Psych 101, like Caroline. But if she’s an expert in anything it’s Vampire Pen*s . . .)
“This one time . . . in Augustine Vampire Jail . . .”
Finding themselves reunited in Vampire Jail with a sturdy wall of bars between them, Elena and Damon find themselves with a bit of time to kill.
And so, Damon decides to regale Elena about his zany prison adventures with a hot European soldier Vamp named Enzo. You see, this isn’t Damon’s first time at the rodeo. He’s been a vampire test subject once before.
(By the way, over 50 some-odd years of experimentation with the undead, and these guys are still doing things like testing vampire light sensitivity, and their ability to regenerate limbs? Any teenager who has read Twilight could tell you that. Worst Medical Researchers EVER!)
Damon discusses how Enzo and him developed a friendship through the bars of their personal vampire prison, while chugging down a single shot glass of blood each day to keep themselves from desiccation. While they took turns being brutally tortured by that icy cyborg Dr. Whitmore (charm cleary runs in this family), the two bonded over lost lady loves (Enzo’s was a benevolent researcher named Maggie), music (“I go a-walking . . . after midnight . . . out in the moonlight . . .lalala”), and their mutual hatred for all things Whitmore. Time passed, until finally, after one New Years, the vampire bromantics finally devised a plan for their inevitable escape from Torture Town.
The plan involved Damon drinking both his and Enzo’s rations, and secretly growing stronger, over the course of a year, so that when the two were let out for the annual New Year’s party, Damon would be strong enough to free Enzo from the pokey, and the pair could live happily ever after . . . literally . . . you know . . . because they are immortal and stuff . . .
A whole year, comprised of doing nothing but regularly submitting to torture and drinking shots of red stuff . . . talk about a LOOOOOOOONNNG CON. (Though, honestly, it seems strange that Enzo wouldn’t have desiccated during that time, seeing as he was drinking nothing for an entire year, and the whole point of the rations was to keep both vampires alive and weak.)
Because Katherine Pierce is just kinky like that . . .
When this box is a rocking, don’t come a-knocking . . .
Stefan opens his eyes in the Evil Box to find Katherine right next to him, sweating it out with him. (Geez! It’s a good thing Stefan isn’t claustrophobic.) He freaks out, of course, threatens to kill her, gently chokes her, makes a big show of breathing heavily on her neck. It’s supposed to be scary, but it’s kind of hot, and you can tell both parties are totally turned on by it . . .
Katherine explains to Stefan that his fear of safes is really just a sublimation of the feelings of abandonment he experienced when Elena dumped him for Stefan. It’s some pretty high brow talk for a girl who’s used to speaking almost entirely in sexual innuendos! Then, in a voice that’s oddly Elena like, Katherine gently reminds Stefan that she’s there for him.
This has the impact of giving Stefan a major boner, and making him temporarily forget that he’s locked in a death trap of a safe with a dying human blood bag.
“Wakey, wakey!”
Caroline pops open the safe, unfortunately cock blocking the hundred plus year-old flames before they have a chance to let the REAL healing begin. But Stefan isn’t mad at his gal pal. His PTSD is cured!
Now if he could just find a remedy for these . . .
A little while later, Katherine confronts Stefan in the study, and lightly teases him about an ugly chair he broke, while in the throes of PTSD. Stefan admits that he finally has to make a point to move on from Elena. Katherine is uncharacteristically demure when she admits that sometimes she isn’t quite sure what she’s doing. They move closer to one another slowly, like boxers circling each other, eyes locked, wondering whose going to be the one to make the first jab. “My Superman” by Santigold plays in the background, reminding both characters that they’ve “got to live.”
Annnnd the, next thing you know they’re sucking face . . .
Part of me wishes we actually got to see a bit of the good stuff, rather than merely implying that the two characters were boning, by zooming in on Caroline’s horrified and disgusted face, as her vampire hearing picked up the sound of their sex moans, while she was leaving a telephone message for the kidnapped Elena. And yet, I guess there is something to be said for leaving a bit to the imagination.
After all, this “coming together” of Stefan and Katherine was actually much less about sexual tension (though they have it in spades, for sure), and more about them both being precisely what one another needed in that moment. Stefan needed to recognize that his pain over Elena’s abandonment of him was keeping him metaphorically trapped, emotionally suffocated, and afraid of moving on with his life. Katherine’s willingness to be there for him, when he needed it most, literally allowed Stefan to breathe inside that safe, and, subsequently feel freer than he had in a long time.
As for Katherine, her mortality and impending death were making her feel weak, old, and frail, sapping her of her usual survival instincts and will to live. Seeing how much Stefan needed and wanted her, brought Katherine back to herself. It made her feel, strong, sexy, and virile. It gave her the desire to fight for her own survival.
Also, let’s face it, these are two people who REALLY like sex, and haven’t been laid in a few episodes . . . so there’s that . . .
New Year’s Cleave
Back in flashback land, it’s New Year’s Eve and Damon and Enzo are prepped and ready for their great escape. Everything starts off as planned. Damon, emboldened by his extra shot of blood each day, breaks his own bones upon minutes of being let out of the cage, heals them, and then proceeds to pop out Dr. Whitmore’s eyeballs, just as Dr. Whitmore did to him early on in the episode.
You know, because no one gets between Damon and his darling baby blues . . . NO ONE.
Then he, takes the keys to the cages from Dr. Whitmore’s pants, frees hot Enzo and dashes off into the sunset.
Just kidding. That would be the SMART thing to do. Instead, Damon proceeds to kill all the party guests, knock over a candelabra, and set the entire place on fire. Then, the bars are all hot, and Damon can’t save Enzo without becoming fried chicken in the process. So, Damon does what any self-respecting antihero would do, he turns off his emotions, and walks out, leaving his buddy to chargrill. Catch you later, Hot Enzo . . . who is now literally hot . . . as in BURNING TO DEATH HOT.
And so yet another clueless human learns about the existence of vampires is and changed forever . . .
Back in the present day, Doctor Death gives Aaron an impromptu lesson in vampires . . . explains that vampires killed his parents . . . and gives him a vervain watch and some lame vampire research journals as a belated birthday present. Traumatized Aaron travels down to vampire jail to find out which member of the Scooby Gang killed his parents and possibly Megan. He accuses Elena, at first. WRONG! (Though Elena DID kill Jesse, Aaron never quite gets around to asking her about that.)
“Et tu, human version of Eeyore?”
Damon admits that while he didn’t kill any of Aaron’s roommates, he did kill Aaron’s parents, and pretty much all of his ancestors, along with a boatload of Augustines. In a brief flashback, we learn that Damon’s plan for vengeance against the Whitmores had been to kill everyone in their family but one, in each generation, to ensure that he would continue having Whitmore’s to kill for all eternity. He better hope Aaron’s not sterile, because he just killed his last living relative Sarah, a few months back . . . when Damon and Elena had just started dating.
Ruh-roh . . . it looks like, while love heals all wounds, it may not be strong enough to satisfy one’s thirst for vengeance . . . just ask Amanda Clark from Revenge.
What’s worse, many fans are speculating that Damon might very well have been the one to cause Elena’s parent’s accident, seeing as he was present moments before the accident occurred, and Elena’s father is currently presumed to have been a member of the Vampire Torture Fraternity. Is there a Hallmark card out there that reads, “Sorry for maybe killing your parents, and for going on killing spree road trips, when you and I were supposed to be at home having mind blowing sex? If so, Damon better start shopping for it now . . .
Aaron thanks Damon for his confession, by shooting him in the head. Nighty night, Damon.
He wakes up a few moments later to find his girlfriend missing from her cell . . .
Someone needs to get more music on his iPod . . .
When you think about it, it’s a bit ironic that the haunting oldies tune “Walking After Midnight,” of all tunes, was the one that played in the background throughout most of “The Cell,” especially when you consider how little walking our Scooby Gang did during this episode. I mean, seriously, this might very well have been the least ambulatory episode of TVD of all time! Everyone seemed to be either, locked up in jail cells, or lying down in safes, strapped down to examination tables, or dumbfoundedly watching others lay around, sit around, or lie around in those places.
How does that old saying go? Something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings?
Well, the same thing could possibly be said about idles minds and mouths, if Enzo (Welcome back, Enzo! We just knew you were too damn good looking and charismatic to be a one-off flashback character on this show.) and his creepy crooning of what may very well be the ONLY song he’s been listening to nonstop since 1953, while strapped down next to Poor!Elena on an examination table, waiting to get his weiner chopped off or some such nonsense in the name of pseudo-science-as-an-excuse-for torture. Let’s all invest in an iTunes gift card for this guy for Christmas, what do you say?
That said, it does appear that Doctor Death at least took the time to get Enzo a modern day haircut, and update his wardrobe. (Though, to be honest, I was kind of partial to his greaser duds. They were sexy.) This, of course, begs the question: why bother to play dress up with a guy you only let out once a year to be your dancing monkey at parties? Could Enzo be THE Augustine Vampire to which Doctor Death has been referring all this time? The one who has become allegiant to the same society that tortured him for over half a century? The one that killed sweet Megan and her adorable glasses?
Next week, on The Vampire Diaries mid-season finale, Sad Sack Aaron learns that it’s hard out there for a relatively wimpy human on a show full of vampires. Just ask Matt . . .
Also, next week, Katherine dabbles in some cardio . . .
Greetings Fangbangers! So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you. You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.
Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .
Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting. These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .
Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .
Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving . . .
Matt has the power of Magical Waitering. I’m not quite sure how it works. I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.
Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .
Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .
Why am I telling you all this, you ask?
Simple. It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power. Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him. That’s right, boys and girls. Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .
After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it? It effects your bodily responses, not your brain. It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion. At least, that’s what they’re telling us this week. Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.
And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?
Let’s review, shall we?
[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]
I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex. Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.
Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .
Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.
And that’s how we started this week’s episode. I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week. Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!
In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess. But, you know . . .
Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .
I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep. Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face. To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.
Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .
Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem. That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal. In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep . . .
Things only got better from there. Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on! We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).
Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in . . . well . . . ever. Sire Bond, Schmire Bond. If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it. After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.
From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.
And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome. Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.
Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.
But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”
Here’s a hint, Damon. If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower . . .
By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now? Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week. Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.
Now, that would be an interesting twist! Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!
“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”
We need to talk . . .
Smug. That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing. In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.
But, alas, Damon restrains himself. And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond. (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!) Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do. If she can do it, she’s sired. If not, not. It’s that simple.
Or is it?
Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood. And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too. I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.
Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .
So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says. At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .
Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works. Elena, of course, is thrilled. Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!
“Now, can we have sex?”
Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time. But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency. Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .
Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.
And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .
Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1. I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario. In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this. “Hey Elena. That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now. That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”
All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .
Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian
With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode. So, I’m going to summarize it as such.
Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.
If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids. But apparently, another one has magically appeared. And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER . . . Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .
“I’m calling PETA!”
At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events. And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew. It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise. They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”
(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass. Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)
Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond. You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.” (Geez! Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?) And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.
Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley. Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .
In slightly less awesome news . . .
Another Brick in the Wall . . .
As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .
. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did. For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural. It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud! I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.
Aside from that, HELLO! MARDI GRAS! FAT TUESDAY! That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.
Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .
I wanna do real bad things with you . . .
But enough griping. Let’s focus on what actually happened. Shall we?
Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon. Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.
Odd right? Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother. You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap! Not again! Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”
Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.
You know what that tells me? Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .
You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink. Talk about someone with anger management issues. But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.
Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD. But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond. Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .
Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond. Talk about the power of suggestion!
Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE . . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!
As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work. And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely. He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again. I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .
Oh look! It’s Lexi Fruitcake!
I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf. I mean, come on! How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?” It’s exhausting . . .
Speaking of exhausting . . .
Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?
Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline. It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another. So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.
Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons? Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon. Go figure! Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD! Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY! Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .
Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t. But it would be a start.
Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1. Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis. Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .
But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there. (Can vampires even get STDs?)
The comment infuriates Elena. And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more. Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon . . .
. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises. YEAH! YOU GO GIRL! YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH! I know I will . . .
Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their exile. Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .
Alls well that ends witchy . . .
Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people. AWK-WARD!
Want to see things get more uncomfortable? Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t. Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic. Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to? Maybe . . .
But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet. It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!
After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another. Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!
But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again. I don’t know. That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?
You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal. Like, for example, “Hey Elena. Here’s a thought. When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you. You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it. Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . . You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”
Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?
And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house. I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?
“Hi neighbor! We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks? I meant STAKES!”
Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline . . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .
“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”
Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler. And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .
Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively. But, alas, it is to no avail. Elena then calls Tyler for help. And, wouldn’t you know it? Tyler’s on Team Delena too! (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!) He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT, not how you feel.
And though I like that idea, because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .
. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me. I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .
Dominance and Submission
During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle. For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.
Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked. She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.
As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee. Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees. (KINKY!)
“Shhh. We’re not really supporting Tyler. We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce. And our legs are tired.”
It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.
In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .
Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones. And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you. Your parents are dead anyway. So, I basically got you to work for free.”
Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents. And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her. But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago. And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .
Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.
After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves. He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him. You can see it on his face. He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed. And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.
But here’s a surprise. For once, it’s Elenawhose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.” It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW. It’s who knows about the sire bond. And doesn’t care. And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”
And how does Damon respond?
Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers! Haha, sucks doesn’t it!
Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .
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