Hey, check it out. Lucas actually has some decent abs, under those too-tight pants, and Hanes Beefy Tees . . . Who knew?
Oh Lucas . . . dear, sweet, dorky, Lucas. I have a little life advice for you. The next time you find yourself wrapped up in an illegal online gambling scheme that you don’t want your friends to know about, try not acting like a psycho serial killer, mmmm-kay?
That’s right, my Pretties. In a twist that surprised positively NO ONE, Lucas revealed himself to be (1) alive, and (2) an addicted gambler. What was surprising (for me, anyway) was that Lucas didn’t actually act totally bizarre and freak out Hanna, because he was working for A, and felt guilty about it. He freaked her out, and acted totally bizarre, because he just so happens to be a freaky kind of guy, sometimes . . .
Of course, Lucas wasn’t the only one shown to be hiding skeletons in his closet this week (or, should I say, worms in his Chinese food). Quite a few other characters on the show were “outed” this week, for various secrets they’ve been keeping. Also, this week, after a way too long hiatus, A’s snarky text messages are back, Baby! Hooray!
So, chug down some lake water, and slip into your favorite cashmere sweater set, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
For that Deep Down Body Thirst . . .
When the episode begins, a very soggy Hanna is sitting by the fire, all comfy cozy . . . or . . . at least, she would be comfy, cozy, if she wasn’t terribly frightened about having possibly murdered Rosewood’s Most Adorkable Nerd, in self defense.
(Just hope there aren’t any mathletes on the jury, Hanna . . .). Hanna’s pals try to comfort her, by telling her that the police are dredging the lake for bodies, as they speak. Riiight . . . because that’s what all possible murder suspects like to hear, after a long hard night of beating their homicidal-seeming friend with an oar, until he almost drowns . . .
Aria remarks that she doesn’t consider Lucas a violent guy. This prompts Hanna to remind her that she’s been so busy sucking face with Fitzy, that she missed the PLL episode where Lucas beat the crap out of Ali’s Ugly Ass Fountain Memorial. (Remember that, my Pretties?)
Also, apparently, Lucas knows how to swim . . . which is weird, considering he’s allergic to chlorine.
Where did he learn to doggie paddle? In his bathtub?
Thinking about Lucas’ “fishy” behavior makes Hanna thirsty. Fortunately, someone has put a thermos of liquor in her pocketbook. Wait, did I say liquor? I meant LAKE WATER . . .
That’s right. “A” strikes against poor Hanna with a vengeance, and, of course, a snarky text message to match: “No fun chugging lake water is it? Choke on this, b*tch!”
Oooh! Now, that’s what I call a burn
, which is probably what Hanna’s going to feel in her stomach, when that lake water comes back up for another cameo appearance.
In other Creepy A news, she’s apparently been stocking up on prepaid cell phones, and hiding them in Spencer’s nana’s attic, while Caleb and Hanna were boning on Spencer’s nana’s couch.
This humps for you, Nana!
Among the cell phones, creepy dolls, and used condom wrappers, Spencer finds something else in her nana’s attic: a receipt . . . from Smitty’s . . . in Philly.
I smell a Road Trip!
Still “Holden” onto Fitzy . . .
They say the best way to get over an ex, is to get under someone else. And that’s probably true, unless you’re Aria. If you’re Aria, the best way to get over an ex, is to get under that ex again, while telling your parents your under that nerdy childhood friend they seem to like so much. And this is how Aria comes to accept a date request from that curly-haired muppet Holden . . .
I see the resemblance, don’t you?
It’s also how she comes to bring him to that exact same lame play she was supposed to attend with Professor Sweater Vest, before Papa Hypocrite and Mama moody got in the way . . .
“Oh No . . .el!”
Who cares that Hanna’s “romantic row” across the lake wound up morphing into the last scene of a bad Lifetime Movie. Mona is upset, dammit! She’s just been dumped by her Bushy Eyebrows Boyfriend . . . and less than twenty-four hours after she showed him her “lovely lady lumps,” no less.
Mona + Noel = Mole? This relationship was doomed from the start . . . WORST SHIP NAME EVER!
Now, that’s gotta really mess with a girl’s self esteem! But like I said, Hanna’s got her own problems. Not only might she have just turned Lucas into Rosewood’s own version of Swamp Thing, she’s also about to LOSE HER Homecoming Crown, because she’s a SUSPECTED Ali Killer . . . Oh the horror!
(I don’t know . . . if I were Hanna, I’d be more concerned about the fact that there was once a MASSIVE CLOSEUP SHOT OF MY FACE in the display case at school. I mean, that thing was just asking to have a mustache, and black teeth drawn on it.)
Hey, remember Sappy Sean? Nobody else does . . .
But, like I said, this isn’t about Hanna! It’s about Dumped Mona! And she’s mad that Hanna isn’t down with joining her for a Bushy Eyebrow Boyfriend Bonfire. What an unsupportive biatch! (Hey Mona, remember when Caleb left you a letter for Hanna, saying that he loved her, and you poured soda on it, and threw it in the garbage? I bet Hanna does!)
Hypocrisy aside, Mona blows a raspberry in Hanna’s face, and storms off to watch three hours of The Notebook, nonstop, while she cries into an entire tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream.
Feel free to eat your feelings, Mona . . .
Meanwhile, Hanna heads to the ladies room, for her own Cry Fest . . .
In Which Hanna’s Tears Flood the Entire Girl’s Bathroom . . .
What high school girl hasn’t rushed into a stinky bathroom stall for a snot-filled Ugly Cry? In the next scene, we see Hanna doing exactly that. But here’s the weird thing, it seems the ENTIRE BATHROOM IS CRYING FOR HANNA. I mean literally, the whole place fills up with water, that pools at her feet. (Hey, wasn’t that a scene from Alice in Wonderland . . . the Disney version?) Undoubtedly, Hanna is wondering which non-Homecoming Queen had the nerve to stop up a toilet, while her highness was sobbing.
However, when she emerges from the bathroom, she learns that the culprit wasn’t an excessive toilet paper user at all! Instead, it was a really small oarsman, in a teeny tiny boat . . .
Buzzzzzz . . . it’s been nearly five minutes since our last message from “A”. You know what that means . . .
Kiss the girl . . . unless she knocks you in the back of the head with a phallic-looking wooden object . . .
I don’t know “A” the boat was cute and all. But I, personally, would have gone with a rubber duckie. Their squeakier. 🙂
In Which Maya pretends to need a fake ID . . .
Emily gets a weird phone call, from a blocked cell phone number. But she doesn’t screen it, because, apparently, she’s a moron. The person on the other end of the line is a mixture of seductive and creepy. Is it “A”?
That depends . . . do you think Maya is “A?”
I do! I do! Because that’s who ends up being on the other end of the line. She wants Emily to get her a fake ID, so that she can pretend she’s not 40 so that the two can go clubbing . . . or something. Emily decides to offer her new/old girlfriend Aria’s fake ID, because, apparently, the two are going to a bar for the blind.
Then, Maya gets a mysterious call, and has to get off the phone ASAP. We know it’s “mysterious,” because Maya makes the Spencer Face, when she gets it.
Golly gee, I wonder who it could be?
No Sex on Spencer’s Nana’s Couch , Tonight!
The Honeymoon’s over for Haleb, and it’s all Lucas’ fault. Damn, that Lucas and his shady, possibly dead, ways! How dare he come between this sexy super couple. Now, how’s baby Haleb supposed to be conceived on Spencer’s Nana’s couch?
Here’s what the fight is about. Caleb wants to go find Lucas, and Hanna would prefer he rot at the bottom of the lake. Well, not really. But based on how she’s acting, you certainly can’t blame Caleb for thinking that. He’s also pissed at Hanna for not being “honest” with him . . . (says the guy who was hired by Blind Jenna to stalk her, and who, up until recently, made a living hacking and stealing people’s cell phones). But hey, nobody is perfect, right?
Don’t answer that . . .
Anywhoo . . . Caleb’s going to go back to Spencer’s lake house, and check nana’s couch with a blacklight for any sign of sperm that’s not his own. He’s such a super sleuth, that Caleb. Then again, knowing Caleb, he could probably save himself a lot of trouble, and car mileage, by simply hacking Lucas’ phone . . . or maybe even checking his computer for “strange” web activity?
Most guys just stick with porn . . .
I See Blind People . . .
Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are chilling in Philly, right outside Smitty’s, which ends up being nothing more than a lame magazine stand. Talk about a wasted trip! But, here’s the kicker . . . well, there are two kickers actually. (1) Smitty’s is right by Psycho B*tch Melissa’s apartment. As for the second kicker, we won’t find out what it is, until Aria conveniently exits, stage left.
Mere minutes later, Spencer finds herself surrounded by . . . wait for it . . . BLIND PEOPLE . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF BLIND PEOPLE . . . AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO. This, understandably frightens Spencer, who’s only experience with blind people has been through the frightening, flute playing, brother f*&king one one, who may, or may not have gotten Spencer ARRESTED for a murder she didn’t commit.
“I also ate my seeing eye dog . . . “
Given that, can you blame Spencer for being a little Blindist?
Nevertheless, Spencer follows the Blind People Parade to a Building for Blind People. (An Existential, But Possibly Offensive, Riddle: If there is a building that no one ever sees, does it really exist?)
Spencer talks to the Building for Blind People’s receptionist, in an attempt to get information about Blind Jenna. Unfortunately, Building for Blind People’s receptionist is just too tough of a nut to crack.
But lest Spencer be forced to make her Face again, Someone magically appears to help her in her hour of need. Question: Who could it be? Answer: THIS GUY . . .
Apparently, one of the perks of enrolling in the Building for the Blind is a free curling iron . . .
OMG! It’s that guy from Glee . . . you know, the one Blaine was in love with for one episode. Apparently, being serenaded by the Warblers, made the poor guy go blind! Oh, the humanity!
Anywhoo . . . apparently, Blind Jeremiah (or whatever his name was supposed to be in this show) just looooooooved Blind Jenna, because she was so kind and supportive, or whatever. She also seemed really determined to graduate from Blind Building, so she could do stuff . . . you know, like torturing fellow high schoolers, and screwing siblings and police boys. Blind Jeremiah also cryptically notes that Blind Jenna is totes awesome at “reading people” and feeling up their arms, to determine if their pulse is racing. How’s that for foreplay? Something tells me if Spencer wasn’t madly in love with Abs Toby, she’d be all over this blind hand-fondling hunk of man meat . . .
But alas, this is a “working vacation.” And Spencer has evidence to steal . . .
That’s right, my Pretties. In a twist of convenient ridiculousness that only can exist on this show, Spencer notices that Blind Building keeps books containing the signatures of ALL THE PEOPLE WHO EVER VISITED THERE right behind the desk . . . for fond memories, I guess (which would make a lot more sense, if people signed in using braille). I love that Spencer immediately thought to look up the sign out book for OVER A YEAR AGO, and it just happened to be RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING. (Talk about a waste of precious trees, and space! Who the hell else would be interested in a bunch of names and times from a year ago, aside from Spencer?)
All sense of logic aside, when Spencer flips through the book, she learns that Police Boy Garrett signed Jenna out of Blind Building on the night of Ali’s murder AND NEVER SIGNED HER BACK IN . . .
Silly Garrett, you signed your lover out of her blind house to commit a murder, and USED YOUR REAL NAME? Did your parents drop you on the head one too many times as a baby?
Speaking of people who might be brain damaged . . .
Mona Goes Shopping . . .
In a scene that’s so useless, it’s only purpose seems to be to make Mona look like she might be “A,” Spencer runs into the recently dumped chickee, right outside the subway station, on the way back from her trip to Blindland . . . er . . . I mean Philly. Apparently, Mona’s been trying out a little retail therapy, of the Ugly Sweater Set variety. So, if she shows up for next week’s episode looking like this . . .
But hey, it could have been worse. She could have bought THIS sweater . . .
The Case of the Mysterious Maya . . .
Maya is acting “weird.” She keeps getting text messages, and making funny faces. Emily worries that Maya might be getting stalked by “A.” Why not? Everybody else is! Except, since I think Maya IS actually “A,” that can’t really be the case, can it?
Fortunately, unlike with the whole Lucas Fiasco, the writers don’t make us wait a week to find out. As it turns out, Maya met someone at Druggie / De-gaying Camp. They started to date, and things went sour. (Boooriinng!) Oh, but that’s not all, Maya’s “date” was a HE!
“Whatchu talking about, Maya?”
OK . . . so, I have a theory about this. Wanna hear it? (Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.)
Maya’s stalker ex boyfriend is . . . wait for it . . . Bushy Eyebrows NOEL!
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Especially considering how Noel’s dumping of Mona coincided almost exactly with Maya’s “mysterious text message” receipts AND how both characters were “absent” around the same time.
If this is true . . . Maya better watch out . . . because those slimy caterpillars over Noel’s eyeballs are not the type to take no for an answer . . .
Because Arthur Miller Plays are Sexy . . .
When most people see their ex, while their out on a date with somebody else, they do this . . .
But not Fitzy and Aria. Nooo sir . . . these two star crossed lovers prefer to walk . . . toward . . . each . . . other . . . in . . . slooooooo . . . . mooooo . . . while . . . verrrry . . . cheesyyy . . . muuuussiiiic . . . plays . . . in . . . the . . . background . . .
Poor . . . poor,
probably gay, anyway, Holden! How exactly does one compete with millions of teeny tiny violins, and enough Fitzy tears to flood an entire theater filled with old people. (Because, really, who else under the age of 55, goes to see Arthur Miller plays, unless they are doing it extra credit?) Then again, if anyone knows a thing or two about “extra credit,” it’s Aria Montgomery . . .
Speaking of 55-year olds, Fitzy’s bad experiences with Wacky Jackie have caused him to completely swear off girls his age. Case in point . . . his date to the theater . . .
Then again, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy’s chosen to bring a chaperone along on his sort-of date with Aria . . .
Aria is crushed, when Fitzy makes his big wet puppy eyes at her, but escapes the theater, without even so much as trying to cop a feel . . .
But don’t worry Ezria fans, unlike Aria’s mom, and that random middle-aged lady, Possibly Gay Holden is totally cool with being used / playing a third wheel to Professor Romeo and Underage Juliet. In fact, it kind of turns him on!
So, can Aria and Fitzy trust Holden to be their beard?
I think so. Anyone who’s brings gummy bears on a first date can’t be too evil, right?
It’s a dark stormy night
despite the fact that it wasn’t raining a moment ago, when Aria went on her date . . . or when Spencer went to Philly . . . or when Emily went out clubbing with Maya. Hanna is sitting on her steps in the dark, feeling sorry for herself . . . and possibly trying to save electricity? Suddenly, the window opens . . . so she goes to close it. (Sounds like a pretty sensible thing to do, right?)
But then, when she turns her back for a second, we see DIRTY FOOTSTEPS ON THE FLOOR. And we all know those dirty footprints can only come from one person?
(Geez, Lucas! You’d think you’d have learned by now to wipe your feet before commiting misdemeanors . . .) Under the circumstances, you really can’t blame Hanna for thinking that Lucas is trying to kill her. (She did, after all, sort of / kind of try to kill HIM.)
Also, he’s not exactly looking like an upstanding citizen, right now . . .
When Caleb arrives at the house to find Lucas looming seemingly threateningly over Hanna, not-Seth Cohen has some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .
Get ready to feel incredibly guilty, Hanna. Apparently, Lucas’ Big Water Confession was not that has was working for “A”, but that he had spent all of Caleb’s phone hacking stash betting on basketball games. (I don’t know . . . it sure sounded a lot worse than that, when he was calling the SUICIDE HOTLINE!) So, where has Lucas been all this time, if not skulking around with “A” or sleeping with the fish, you ask? It appears our nerdy high roller has been out trying to sell his comic stash for some quick cash to pay back his friend, Spongebob Squarepants . . .
Caleb takes the news surprisingly well. But Lucas can’t help but notice how quiet Hanna has gotten, since he made his confession . . .
Poor Lucas undoubtedly took the above statement as some kind of judgment from Hanna. But just as Hanna did earlier, when she smacked Lucas upside the head in the middle of a lake, he might very well have misread the situation. After all, Hanna, of all people, knows what it’s like to do Very Bad Things for money. (Remember when “A” paid her to dance with Lucas, using the money her mom stole from that old lady?)
I actually think Hanna meant the line in an oddly positive way, as in “I’m glad you’re not A’s evil henchman, who beat Emily with garden tools, because she showed him an empty box . . .
Poor Lucas! If only he knew . . .
“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.”
I Ordered my Worms without MSG!
Later that night, the girls order Chinese takeout, and find a special surprise in their lomaine . . .
Noel’s eyebrows! How did you get in there?
I guess they should have stuck with the fried rice . . .
In the final scene of the episode, Gloved Hand tinkers with Toby’s architecture stand thingy . . .
It looks like another Pretty Little Boyfriend is going to end up all wet . . . I hope this one isn’t allergic to chlorine . . .
As for next week’s PLL installment, be on the look-out for more A shenanigans, Pretty Little Boys in danger, and, of course, Spencer Face . . .
You can check out the Canadian promo here:
And it’s American counterpart here:
Don’t cry, my Pretties! PLL will be back before you know it!