The Baby Squirreling of Ezra Fitz – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “That Girl is Poison”

 

[Hey folks!  My Teen Wolf recap for “Raving” has been a bit delayed.  (Real life has intruded :(.)  But not to worry!  I will definitely try to have it up within the next 24 hours.]

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Hey there, my Pretties!  I know it’s been a while .  . .

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But coming to the party late, is better than not showing up at all, right?

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Anyway, this week’s episode of PLL was all about Fitzy’s nuts, Paige’s cupcakes, Police Boy Garrett’s flowers, and Lucas’ little blue pills.  (And we all know what little blue pills are REALLY for, don’t we?)

It all sounds a little dirty, when you put it that way, doesn’t it?  So put on your favorite black hoodie, take a big gulp from that skeevy old flask you’ve been hiding in your closet, and write a nice letter to that lady in the coma, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Fitzy finds his nuts, again!

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Poor, little Fitzy!  It sure is hard out their for unemployed teacher . . . forced by circumstances (sort of?) beyond his control to eat furry limes out of his fridge, and mooch off of his underage girlfriend.  And while Aria tries her best to be supportive . . .

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(Once again, a completely harmless sentence that sounds totally kinky, when taken out of context.)

Fitzy is still feeling a wee bit low.  And he will NOT, I repeat NOT eat that tasty sandwich Aria bought for him.  The man has PRIDE, after all . . .  and hairy limes.

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Aria doesn’t get it.  So, she wants to feed her man, every once in a while.  What’s the big deal?  But clever Spencer knows better.  She’s dated “The Poor” before.  Remember Alex?

(If not, that’s OK.  The writers don’t seem to remember him, either.)

Spencer accuses Aria of “baby squirreling” Fitzy, and consequently taking away his nuts . . .

Now, being baby squirreled is something that Aria can understand.  She didn’t like it very much when Fitzy did it to her . . .

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  So, how does she respond?  By, making Fitzy take her to her enemy Not-Blind-Anymore Jenna’s birthday party, of course!  You know, because nothing says “I feel like a grown man,” like attending a high school birthday party, where everyone is dressed up like characters from Alice in Wonderland!

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So, you can’t really blame Fitzy for overcompensating a bit, by forking over some serious cash he doesn’t have, on a massively expensive old school camera for Aria, who has suddenly become a real photography aficionado.  (First it’s writing, then pottery, now photography.  What’s next Aria, underwater basket weaving?)  Though, you can blame him for bad gift wrapping.  Come on, Fitzy!  A brown paper bag?  That’s what you use to “gift” the cheap malt liquor your 18-year old cousin with the mustache, bought with his fake ID . . . not an antique item that would have easily cost two months of your old teaching salary.  No wonder, Aria thought the darn camera fell off the back of some truck!

Aria tells Fitzy he doesn’t need to buy her fancy things, just to prove to her what big nuts he has.  She likes him just the way he is, unemployed and poor, but good enough looking that he may just get hired at the strip club, where Magic Mike was filmed . . .

That’s when Fitzy gives Aria the good news.  He’s a WORKING MAN, now . . . but not at the strip club, unfortunately for us . . .

That’s right, My Pretties, our main man Fitz is a real live “journalist.”  It makes sense.  I mean, someone has to cover all those murders that seem to happen around his girlfriend on a daily basis!  It might as well be Fitzy . . .

Everyone’s favorite former teacher wants to celebrate his re-entrance into the world of having health insurance with a nice romantic dinner.  (Ease up on the spending, buddy!  Journalists don’t get paid that much!)  But Aria has a better idea.  Why not leave Fitzy at the kiddie party, while she breaks into the photography studio, where the newly “EVIL” Lucas is hiding his not-so-secret cemetery porn pics, and blue roofies?

Oh girlfriend, you’re lucky that you’re pretty . . . that’s all I’ve gotta say . . .

But since we’re on the subject of Lucas . . .

Creepy!Lucas is creepy . . .

 Awww man!  Down the shame spiral my once second favorite male character on this show (second only to WREEENNNNNN!) continues to go.  Not only is he involved in shady online gambling activities, sneaking into people’s grandma’s houses uninvited, luring people out in shady-looking boats in the middle of the night, skulking around town in the middle of the night like a serial killer, and setting fires in school . . .

 .  . . now, he’s prospectively taking creepy pictures of the Pretty Little Liars, getting fired from photography studios for stealing, trying to break into said photography studios in the middle of the night (good thing Aria got there first!), and storing massive horse pill roofies that cause “temporary amnesia” in his backpack.  At this rate, in a few weeks, they are going to blame Lucas for the start of World Wars I and II.  Who cares if he wasn’t alive back then?

So, is Lucas as eeeevvvill as the writers seem dead set on making him out to be?  I’m going to take a wild guess and say, “No.”  Because really, at this point, having Lucas be the “new A” would be about as surprising as having Mona be the old one . . .

Oops!  Did I write that out loud?

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OK, so now we’ve covered Ezria and Lucas.  So, I guess we should talk about good ole’ Hanna Marin.

Sad!Hanna is sad . . .

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So, what happens this week with Hanna?  Not much . . . to be honest.  She’s been dumped, and she’s bummed . . .

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We’ve all been there.  And it sucks.  So, we can totally understand Hanna wanting to skip school, stay home, chow down on some Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, and listen to sad songs.  But the whole “not able to work a zipper” thing?  That’s something she really should get checked out.  It could be a medical condition . . .

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My lingering concerns about Hanna’s motor skills notwithstanding, I was annoyed at the rest of the characters (particularly her own mother) for repeatedly giving Hanna grief about her choice of outfit . .  .

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For the record, I thought she looked awesome!  It was one of my favorite outfits she’s worn on the show, actually.  (My own fashion tendencies, have always veered more toward Preppy!Spencer, and ComfyCasual! Emily, than their more fashion-forward counterparts, Aria and Hanna.)

Sorry, Hanna!

Anywhoo, when Mama Marin finds out that Hanna’s been skipping school, she forces her to work at some lame church clothes drive thingy . . .

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As bored as Hanna felt, being there, is how I felt watching it.  So, Hanna thumbed through, and made faces at some old clothes?  So, Mama Marin met some random dude who flirted with her?  BOOO-RRRRING . . .

Then again, from the looks of next week’s promo, it seems like the whole “church” thing is going to become increasingly important to the whole “A Team” story line, in the weeks to come.  So, maybe the writers will make me eat my words . . .

In slightly more relevant news . .  .

Police Boy Garrett has sloppy handwriting / bad taste in flowers . . .

Of all the various storylines this week, Spencer’s was he one that interested me the most . . . probably because it seems the most pertinent to the current mystery.  After seeing the Big Bad Hoodie lurking around Police Boy Garrett’s house, at the same time the latter’s mother was being pulled out in a stretcher . . .

the liars, well . . . really more Spencer, than anyone else . . . begin to suspect that the “A” team somehow orchestrated the Police Boy’s mommy’s COMA just to get him out of jail on temporary leave.

 I don’t know . . . that sounds a bit too awful to be believable to me . . . even for “A.”

Nevertheless, Super Sleuth Spencer heads to the hospital to check out what exactly the Police Boy actually does during his so-called “sympathy leave” from jail.  While there, Spencer has a run-in with Deputy Douchey . . .

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 . . . and makes snarky comments about the Police Boy’s choice in floral arrangements for the coma lady . . .

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You know what they say, Spencer.  If you make fun of someone’s flowers, you take away their nuts . . .just saying!

Spencer’s suspicion is instantly piqued when she sees Police Boy slip a card into the carnations for the coma lady.  I mean, that just seems like an insensitive thing to do, right?  That would be like writing a letter to Blind Jenna . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.

When uber-Shady Nate (more on him later) throws a little temper tantrum at the sight of Police Boy Garrett out of jail, Spencer sees an opportunity to get into Police Boy’s mom’s hospital room, and takes it.  Smart Girl!

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But when Spencer gets around to reading the card in the flowers, it actually contains a really sweet and poignant statement (though, I know toddlers with better handwriting than That Guy) . . . something about never giving up on his mother, because SHE never gave up on him, despite his possibly being a mass murderer of teenage girls.  Now, Spencer feels like crap, for doubting the mama’s boy, that is until she finds the piece of paper in Coma Lady’s hand . . .

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Yes, who is this mysterious “April Rose” who supposedly has proof of Police Boy Garrett’s innocence in the murders of Ali, and possibly Maya too?  And who wrote the note, because it sure as heck wasn’t Garrett’s mom!  Many have speculated on “April Rose” actually being some kind of code name for Aria . . . partly because of this . . .

April

Rose

Is

A

And partly because, as we learned in a previous episode “Rose” is Ella Montgomery’s maiden name.  However, I’m still not sure the writers of the show have the guts to make “A” one of the core four.  We all saw what happened last season, right?  So, as much as I’d love to see PLL veer off on this kind of original path, away from the books on which it was originally based.  I’m not getting my hopes up . . .

On the other hand, Maya’s death . . . now, that’s completely uncharted territory . . .

Roofied!Paige likes cupcakes, and why Nate sucks / might be a secret psycho killer . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jenna’s Sight Birthday Party Blah!  What I wanted was another creepy party, where A tortures the girls.  What I got was a lot of really ugly hats, and Alice in Wonderland . . .

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You can’t use “blind” as an excuse anymore, Jenna!

Heck, half the PLL girls didn’t even attend the party.  And the other half, left long before it was over.  So, why was the party important?  Well, it basically comprised Emily’s storyline for the episode . . . a storyline that involved her attempting to rekindle relations with Paige through ridiculously obvious product placement the Katy Perry movie . . .

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 . . . and ended with Emily having to bail on Paige to work the event, and serve cupcakes.  We got to learn a little more about Paige, this week.   As it turns out, she’s not just the once-closeted gay girl, who tried to drown her crush.  She’s also the once-closeted gay girl, who drinks from old dirty flasks that secretly contain roofies, gorges on cupcakes at parties . . .

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Apparently, she also eats old pennies . . .

. .  . gets jealous when gay girls talk to straight boys, makes an ass of herself in public, and ends up in a hospital with alcohol poisoning.  But hey, at least her hair looks better now!

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Actually, I think the whole point of this storyline had much less to do with Paige and Emily as a couple, and more to do with the fact that SOMEONE had obviously roofied Emily’s flask, the night she wound up at the cemetery, moments after Ali’s corpse had just been dug up.  After all, Paige had (stupidly) drunk from the same flask, and look what happened to her?

In other news, I think Nate isn’t really Maya’s cousin.  In fact, I think he killed her.  Just sayin . . .

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Just hear me out here.  I get that Nate claims to be Maya’s “cousin” who “loved her” and is all “righteously indignant” about the fact that  Garrett got out of jail to see his mom, while Maya is (supposedly) dead?  But something just doesn’t ring true about him . . . like, for example, the way he didn’t know Maya’s parents’ address, something a COUSIN would surely know, particularly following the death of a family member.  For another, his whole story about Maya hanging out in the water with the rest of the “guys” sounds a lot less like a “family story” and a lot more like a “camp story.”  You know, as in “True North” camp?  The camp where Maya was STALKED by a guy, and chose to leave town rather than return?

He also talks about Maya as if she’s a lover, as opposed to a cousin.  And the way he was oozing about how “captivating” Jenna was?  This guy just screams stalker / psycho killer.  I’d like to be wrong.  But somehow, I don’t think I am.  I have one word of advice for you, Emily.  Take your roofied flask, and RUN from this guy . . . far and fast . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Eye Spy – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Kingdom of the Blind”

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I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week.  She didn’t take it well . . . 

Que Pasa, My Pretties!  Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?

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This week on PLL, quite a few supporting characters found their lives caught in an ever-growing web of Big Fat Fibs.

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Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!

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That Rosewood . . . it sure is a wild and wacky place.  Let’s review, shall we?

In which Lucas and Caleb Swap Personalities . . .

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So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”

Ahhh .  . . those were the good old days.  And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .

. . .  I miss my adorkable stud muffin .  . . A LOT.

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But I digress . . . the episode begins with Lucas getting reamed out by his principal, for having a BAAAD attitude, and getting BAAAAAD grades.

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 Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something.  And yet, somehow I doubt it . . .  A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.

Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan.  (That’s right, Lucas!  You show that trashcan who’s boss!)

Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter.  And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna.  It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .

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Apparently,  Caleb stopped hanging out with Lucas . . .

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. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.

This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.

Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?  These two just totally did a personality swap . . .  kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .

Now, Caleb,  a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.

And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.

Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past,  bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?

The plot . . . it thickens . . .

Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .

In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .

So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her.  This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.

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As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.

We don’t get much for free in this world.  And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .

But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change.  It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.

In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.

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When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .

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 . . .  which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . .  .

Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!

Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .

In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .

Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable,  crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.

It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.

B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late,  seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.

Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”

You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes.  After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right?  At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.

Except,  as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident.  This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS.  And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.

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The question is why?  And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.

Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby?  Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?

Or this . . .

We may never know . . .

In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .

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Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”

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It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE.  You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.

(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo.  This might be one of the reasons why.)

And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.

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Hanna TOTALLY jumped the gun here.

And that speech Blind Jenna gave, about faking blind to PROTECT herself from “A?”

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  If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger.  I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .

Riiiight . . .

In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .

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But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona.  Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?

You just never know what you’re going to get with her.  One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .

. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength.  Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”

Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .

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 . . . gossiping with Hanna, having secret meetings with BAAAD Lucas, and teaching Caleb how to play solitaire, while giving him makeout advice . . .

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But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again.  Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?

Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)

In which A drinks coffin vodka .  . . EWWW!

Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode .  . . the “A” team moment.  We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia.  There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.

Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.

Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.

I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .

. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.

But still, did “A” really have to drink it?  That’s just gross . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

What’s on TV This Week? (1/29 – 2/4) – Spoilery Sneak Peeks from Once Upon a Time, Gossip Girl, PLL, Glee, and TVD

[ Gossip Girl’s “G.G.” and PLL’s “A Kiss Before Lying” recaps are both on their way!  I wanted to take a little extra time with these. Gossip Girl just celebrated it’s 100th episode, after all.  (That just doesn’t happen every day!)  Check back for both recaps within the next 24 hours . . .]

Greetings TV fans!  One of my absolute favorite new TV Trends is the Episode Sneak Peek, i.e. the Web Clip.  More and more lately, networks are releasing key scenes from their upcoming television episodes, a week early, in hopes of generating buzz about their shows, and, possibly, increasing ratings.

The way I see it, this is a win-win situation for both the network and spoiler-loving TV viewers like myself.  From the network’s perspective, it gives the corporate suits the opportunity to control which spoilers are leaked about their upcoming episode, while still giving impatient fans something to chew on, while they wait for the actual episode to air.

From the fan’s perspective, we sort of get to feel like we’re “cheating” the system, by getting the early scoop on select parts of upcoming episodes that only the most spoiler savvy of viewers get to see . . .

“Beating the system .  . . one YouTube video at a time . . .” 

This week, was particuarly exciting for me, because I managed to find webclips for nearly EVERY show I watch!  And these aren’t just throwaway scenes, either!  Some of the sneak peeks I found offer up some genuine hints as to what these shows’ upcoming episodes have in store for us.

From a torrid fairytale affair . . . to a royal wedding that positively NO ONE wants to happen  .  . . to a heart-wrenching betrayal . . . to a Michael Jackson-inspired sing-off . . . to an out-and-out war between two sets of vampire brothers, something tells me that this week’s television fare is going to be setting the internet a-blaze with heated discussions for weeks to come . . .

So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, This Week’s Collection of Spoilery Sneak Peaks . . .

Once Upon a Time

“I see youuuuu!” 

Episode 11 – Fruit from the Poisonous Tree

Airs: Sunday, January, 28th, 8.p.m. EST on ABC

Though I was initially drawn to this fairytale fantasy, due to it’s uniquely original concept, and wealthy of unabashedly nerdy literary nods . . . the complex, and suprisingly dark, love story between Snow White, Prince Charming, and their respective Storybrook counterparts, is one of the main reasons I keep returning, after week.

How much of a role should amorphous concepts like fate, instinct, and chemistry play in one’s pursuit of happiness?  Is it acceptable in life to hurt and betray others, in the name of True Love?  These intriguing questions are central to Once Upon a Time, in general, and Mary Margaret’s (i.e. Snow White’s) and David’s (i.e. Prince Charming’s) story, specifically.

In this first webclip from the upcoming episode, David and Mary Margaret sneak off for a romantic forest picnic, of which their fairytale counterparts — who memorably met one another in, more or less, these same woods — would most definitely approve.  And yet the happiness of this romantic reunion is shadowed by the fact that David is married to another woman, one who has been doing everything in her power to make their ailing marriage work . . .

What’s so interesting about this couple is how many complex emotions they bring about in the viewer’s subconscious.  On one hand, everybody knows that Prince Charming and Snow White belong together.  This is something we’ve taken for granted, since we were kids.  No one else will ever be quite as right for these two individuals, as they are for one another . . .

And yet, as far Mary Margaret and David are concerned, their life is not a fairytale.  They aren’t princes and princesses, but, rather, real people, with real responsibilities . .  both of whom (while, generally, still loveable) have some genuine character flaws.  And this raises a  difficult question: Does the fact that, in alternate universe, these two individuals lived Happily Ever After, justify what they are doing in this universe?

I guess that’s really up to the viewer to decide . . .

Our second webclip introduces us to the plot that I suspect will take up the bulk of the episode.  We know him as Sidney Glass, once-editor of The Mirror (Storybrooke’s local paper), and, up until this point, one of the malevolent Mayor’s strongest allies.

But in Fairytale land, he was the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror.  And judging by the below scene, in both worlds, his tendency to portray the world exactly as he sees it, might end up leaving him shattered . . .

Anytime Once Upon a Time focuses an entire hour on one of its minor characters, it takes a risk of alienating fans who are watching the show, more or less, just for it’s leads (i.e. Emma, Mary Margaret, David, and the Mayor).  Some minor character episodes have been highly successful, at least in my humble opinion.  In fact “The Price of Gold” (which featured Cinderella’s story), and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” (which featured the now-dearly departed Sheriff Graham / The Hunter) were actually among my favorites of the entire series.  And yet, other minor character episodes, like “That Still Small Voice” (about Shrink Archie Hopper, i.e. Jiminey Cricket), and “True North” (about Nicholas and Eva, i.e. Hansel and Gretel) felt a bit flat to me.

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Having always been a sucker for characters who don’t always necessarily walk on the “straight and narrow,” but who, deep down, have a good heart, I found myself intrigued by Sidney Glass, ever since we met the character, early on in the series.  Even though he’s definitely a minor character, I think his story has a lot of potential, particularly, if it’s written in a way that illustrates him as a darkly complex character and morally ambiguous, as opposed to just another schlub the Wicked Mayor managed to buy off . . .

Oh, and The Stranger . . . he’s TOTALLY one of the Brothers’ Grimm, looking to rewrite fairytale history.  It’s SO obvious!

Gossip Girl

Episode 100, “GG”

Airs: Monday, Janury 30th at 9 pm. EST on the CW

As hit or miss as Gossip Girl has been lately, there was a time, not too long ago, when it was one of the best things on television.  The clothes were eviably hipper than most of us could afford.  The couplings and sexcapades were WHITE hot . . .

The plot lines ranged from laugh-out-loud funny to jaw-droppingly, OMFG, scandalous.  And there were enough snappy, snarky quotable lines in each self-contained hour to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . .  fill a book . . .

It’s for this reason that I am SOOOO incredibly excited about this episode’s 100th episode extravaganza.  If the rumors are true, this hour of television will be jam-packed with homages to GG’s raunchiest moments, eye-popping blot twists, and most deliciously evil schemes and insults.

In short, it will be like Season 1, all over again.  And I, for one, can’t wait to celebrate the show that taught me, once and for all, that “tights are NOT pants!”

Of course, there’s that little unavoidable matter of Blair’s sham of a wedding to that cyborg Price of Dull, Louis-bot . . .

Ahhh . . . Chuck Bass . . . the only man who can cross his legs, and still look masculine doing it.  And that voice . . . I could listen to that voice reading a Depends commercial, and still get turned on.

Don’t worry, Chuck.  Blair CANNOT go through this wedding . . .  It would be positively un-holy for her to do so . . .

That said, you may want to get that adorably toned little butt of yours, over to the church, stat!  Because it looks like she’s actually made her way down the aisle, without angry GG fans tackling her, in protest . . .

Pretty Little Liars

Episode 18 – “A Kiss Before Lying”

Airs: Monday, January 30th, 8.p.m. on ABC Family

When you are being stalked by the mysterious “A,” who literally knows your every move, and can ruin your life for the slightest infraction, lying is pretty much part of your “job description.”

Throughout two seasons, we’ve seen the Rosewood foursome lie to practically everybody they know about something . . . their parents, their significant others, their siblings, even the police.  But when it’s revealed that one of the girls might be starting to crack under the pressure, and her boyfriend just might have the key to bringing down “A,” once and for all, the Pretty Little Liars find themselves in the unique predicament of actually having to lie to eachother . . .

Honestly, as far as webclips go, these were kind of disappointing.  After all, we already knew coming in to this episode, that the rest of the PLL girls were working with Caleb to continue hacking into A’s cell phone, and that they had all controversially decided to leave Hanna out of it.

That said, the show’s Season Finale is not too far away.  And with it will come the much-awaited reveal of “A’s” identity . . . Now, that we know this story actually has an endgame, the probability that the writers will drop important clues into upcoming episodes, like this one, is increasingly high . . . .

Glee

Episode 11 – “Wanna Be Startin Somethin'”

Airs: Tuesday, January 31st at 8 p.m., EST on Fox

After last week’s Yes/No episode, Gleeks were talking more about whether or not Rachel would accept Finn’s proposal of marriage, and less about the musical performances that dominated the hour.

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I suspect that for this week’s episode, which will feature a homage to the works of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, the opposite will be true . . .

Truth be told, in the past Glee’s artist-centric episodes haven’t been among their best received.   Both the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes were harshly panned by the critics.  And, for me, Glee’s Fleetwood Mac-inspired “Rumors” stands out as one of the worst episodes in Glee history.  Only the Lady Gaga-inspired episodes, “Theatricality” and “Born this Way,” seemed to manage to stay above the fray . . .

Well . . . almost . . . 

All negativity aside, I actually think “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'”  has the opportunity to become a Glee classic.  For one thing, Michael Jackson’s soleful and diverse catalogue of music . . . combined with his flare for flamboyant costumes, and seamlessly choreographed numbers . . . seems to dovetail really well with the things that Glee does best.

Plus, whereas the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes’ so-called plotlines were eye-roll inducing in their ridiculousness.  (Laughing gas induced fantasy sequences?  Seriously?), the reason why all these Glee-kids are suddenly all hopped up on MJ, despite having been infants through most of his heyday actually makes sense . . .

And it’s all explained, quite succinctly, here . . .

How I adore this clip, let me count the ways . . .  For one thing, I’m thrilled to see New Directions actually THINKING about their Regionals set list, ahead of time, for a change, as opposed to . . . oh, I don’t know, coming up with it five minutes before the episode actually airs?

I was also a big fan of Artie actually admitting that he was just a year old, when Michael Jackson moonwalked.  (In truth, he was actually not even born yet, but  I digress.)  So, many times, I’ve wondered how the Glee kids’ music taste often vastly pre-dated my own (see Fleetwood Mac episode).  In this case, at least the writers are inserting some recognition of that disconnect.

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And I hate to say it, but I’m REALLY digging Sebastian as Glee‘s new super villain.   After all, Sue Sylvester can only try to bring down Glee club so many times.  And not since Jesse St. James stint with Vocal Adrenaline has the New Directions really had a worthy adversary, who wasn’t afraid to “fight dirty” to win the competition.

Speaking of worthy adversaries, there’s something incredibly enjoyable about watching Sebastian go to head-to-head with Santana.  They say “Greed is Good.”  But I say “Mean is Better.”

And these two have that down, in spades.   Plus, dare I say it, for two gay characters, these two have an astounding amount of sexual chemistry. Don’t believe me?  Check out this musical sing-off to MJ’s iconic “Smooth Criminal” . . .

(By the way, did anybody else find the cello players oddly constipated looking facial expressions during the number a bit disturbing?)

And, of course, no Glee artist-centric episode would be complete without an ensemble number in which every cast member dresses up in one of the artist-in-question’s most memorable outfits . . .

(I think Blaine is supposed to be Michael Jackson from the beginning of the Thriller video.  Am I wrong?)

The Vampire Diaries

Episode 312 “Bringing Out the Dead”

Airs: Thursday, February 2nd,  8 p.m. EST on the CW

TVD webclips are notoriously heavy on Damon snark and Eye Thing, while frustratingly light on actual plot points . . .

I suspect this has to do with head writer Julie Plec being a bit of a spoilerphobe.  But with good reason!  After all, apart from the immensely attractive cast, and interminable shipper wars, it’s really this show’s game-changing plot twists that keep us tuning in, week after week.

This week’s webclip features a shirtless Stefan (Haven’t seen that one, in a while!) . . .

 . . .  and a rather smug “I kissed Elena, and you can’t take that away from me” Damon . . .

 . . .  doing what they do best, bickering and scheming  . . .

Just to be clear, Damon and Stefan were TOTALLY eye-f*&king in this scene, weren’t they?  Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that . . .

One of the things TVD does best . . . apart from it’s unimaginably erotic and unbelievably addictive love triangles, of course . . . is it’s parallels and role reversals. Last season, Elena un-daggered Elijah, in hopes of finding a way to eliminate Klaus as a threat, without hurting the people she loved.

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Stefan dutifully went along with her plan.  While Damon was angrily outspoken about his mistrust for the Original Vampire (with good reason, as it turns out), and ended up taking matters into his own hands, in a way that neither Elena nor Stefan approved . . .

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Now, less than a year later, Damon is the one who has un-daggered Elijah . . .  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

 . . . and is now looking to him for a possible alliance.  And Stefan is the mistrustful one, who’d prefer to take matters into his own hands . . .

But, of course, the parallels don’t end there.  There’s also the little matter of Damon locking lips with the girl Stefan always presumed was his own . . . despite the fact that his recent behavior has made a reunion between the two former lovebirds nearly impossible.

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And though, on the surface, these two brothers are fighting about vampire wars, and the efficacy of “old-fashioned” sitdowns, just beneath that surface lies a slow burn of love for the same woman, and with it, decades of jealousy, betrayal, and heartbreak . . .

That’s a whole lot of angst and complexity for one minute and 21 seconds, isn’t it?  You can imagine then, how intense the rest of the hour will be . . .

And there you have it, an entire week’s worth of juicy television, condensed down into a few short webclips.  I know I’ll definitely be tuning in . . . Will you?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face. – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Blonde Leading the Blind”

Greetings, my Pretties!  Oh, rainy days!  They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.

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Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface.  It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .

Remember Paige?  Nobody else does . . .

This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .

But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ian.  I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile!  Don’t mind me.   I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”

When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone.  This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor.  What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)

HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross.  Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”

SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”

The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.

Poor girl!  Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk.  Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .

The video then rough cuts to later that night.  Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.

Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party!  WTF man?”

Blind Jenna: *clears throat loudly*

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Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance.  What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership.  As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .

“MWAH-HAHAHA!”

Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking.  They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .

“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”

Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .

Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that.  I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility.  Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .

. . .  or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .

“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”

So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?

Well, apparently “A” does too.   Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera.  That made “A” angry.  And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .

“Hey Spence .  . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all.   But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that?  I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”

Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .

“This truck is a real chick magnet.”

Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck.  This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .

She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars.  Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .

“What?  Why are you looking at me, like that?  Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”

In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .

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“Pretty please, can I see her?  I’ve recently showered and everything!”

Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him.  So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .

Everybody Loves a Beard . . .

“Me?  Gay?  Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”

Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey!  That rhymed!)  Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection.  But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .

HANNA: *pouts* “Oh!  Aria is so lucky.  I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”

EMILY: *clears throat loudly*

The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria.  You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .

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To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening.  Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans.  But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .

“Well, hello there, little lady.  Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”

Be Afraid, Caleb .  . . Be VERY Afraid . . .

“Sure!  I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”

Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you?  Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .

“Ahhh, yes.  The camera loves me.  Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”

Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working.  Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat.  Did he know what Caleb was doing?  Probably  . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all.  After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .

It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .

  . . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .

As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue.  This time, that person is Hanna.  The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT?  Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day.  (There I go, rhyming again . . .)

DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”

Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special.  And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .

(Side note:  Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died.  And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)

We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night.  Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .

“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.

Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch.  One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .

“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”

The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . .  In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies.  And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house.  She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this.  And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?

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Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender.  “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .

Plot?  I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .

The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .

“You are getting very sleepy.  When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”

At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time.  In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her.  But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end.  And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .

Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there.  I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT.  And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers .  . .

Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend.  “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly.  (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)

“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket.  I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”

“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style.  “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”

She’s right . . . those . . . eyebrows . . . so  . . . hairy . . . can’t  . . . look . . . away . . .

(Side note:  I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference.  Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.”  But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)

Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees.  Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation.  Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?

Surprise!  It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all.   (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.)  By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms?  Maybe she has irritable bowel  syndrome?  That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .

Meet me at the Big Ole Clock . . .

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I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter.  Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails!  You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though.   She sure is persistent.  We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.

Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .

Forbidden love?  There’s an app for that . . .

Look!  He’s flying . . . or not . . .

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Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker.  This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why).  Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated .  . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .

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“Oh no!  I hope he didn’t hurt his beautiful abs!”

Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .

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“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”

Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician.  I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . .  Give up?

It’s WRENNNNNNN!  HOOOOOOORAAYY!

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*sighs elatedly. . . takes deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship.  (This is news, right?)  In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.

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(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)

The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him.  Cue the text from “A” . . .

 . . . annnnd . .  . Spencer’s speedy departure.  (Bye Wren . . . for now!  We’ll see you soon!  I miss you already!)

That not-so-fresh feeling . . .

One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .

Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .

Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.”  Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital.  It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.”  “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.”  “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)

Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already?  Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?

(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)

That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window.   And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans.  They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .

But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode.  She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense.  HELLO!  Emily’s GAY!  Read the memo, Blind Jenna.  And here I thought you knew everything . . .

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And who’s fault is that, exactly, Blind Jenna?

Meanwhile, in Halebland . . .

Anyone care for an NAT Club Smoothie?

You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?

CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”

HANNA:  “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”

CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”

HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”

Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder.  Hanna, apparently, thinks so too.  Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .

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“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!”  Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.

Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna.  Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .

Speaking of alone . . .

Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.

“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers.  It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”

Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her.  And she does it in the most painful way possible too . .  . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .

As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was.  As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action.  Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure  . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .

As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance.  Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved.  But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .

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Poor Wren.  He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating.  Then again, maybe he does . . .

Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .

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It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me.  Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .

TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .

But, in lighter news . . .

How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .

“A good deed . . . I did do.  But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”

Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .

And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way.  . .

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OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay.  (He sure could have fooled me.)  He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb).  And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas).  So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉

Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .

 . . . and waits . . .

“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee .  . .”

Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .

In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please!  A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger?  That’s horse poopy!”

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As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria.  And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood.  Of course, Yoda student is elated.  So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .

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And so, the student has become the teacher.  Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .

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Somewhere north of the Death Star, Yoda Student is doing a little dance of joy . . .

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Got a Secret Can You Keep It . . . From Hanna?

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In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . .  Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .

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But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . .  to PROTECT HER . . .

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It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions.   And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna.  Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .

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The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .

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This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .

Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT!  And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell.  Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .

See you then, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Lucas Gottesman Sleeps with the Fishes” (well . . . “Fish” . . . to be grammatically correct) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “Let the Water Hold Me Down”

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Hey, check it out.  Lucas actually has some decent abs, under those too-tight pants, and Hanes Beefy Tees . . . Who knew?

Oh Lucas . . . dear, sweet, dorky, Lucas.  I have a little life advice for you.  The next time you find yourself wrapped up in an illegal online gambling scheme that you don’t want your friends to know about, try not acting like a psycho serial killer, mmmm-kay?

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist that surprised positively NO ONE, Lucas revealed himself to be (1) alive, and (2) an addicted gambler.  What was surprising (for me, anyway) was that Lucas didn’t actually act totally bizarre and freak out Hanna, because he was working for A, and felt guilty about it.  He freaked her out, and acted totally bizarre, because he just so happens to be a freaky kind of guy, sometimes . . .

Of course, Lucas wasn’t the only one shown to be hiding skeletons in his closet this week (or, should I say, worms in his Chinese food).   Quite a few other characters on the show were “outed” this week, for various secrets they’ve been keeping.  Also, this week, after a way too long hiatus, A’s snarky text messages are back, Baby!  Hooray!

So, chug down some lake water, and slip into your favorite cashmere sweater set, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

For that Deep Down Body Thirst . . .

When the episode begins, a very soggy Hanna is sitting by the fire, all comfy cozy . . . or . . . at least, she would be comfy, cozy, if she wasn’t terribly frightened about having possibly murdered Rosewood’s Most Adorkable Nerd, in self defense.

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(Just hope there aren’t any mathletes on the jury, Hanna . . .).  Hanna’s pals try to comfort her, by telling her that the police are dredging the lake for bodies, as they speak.  Riiight . . . because that’s what all possible murder suspects like to hear, after a long hard night of beating their homicidal-seeming friend with an oar, until he almost drowns . . .

Aria remarks that she doesn’t consider Lucas a violent guy.  This prompts Hanna to remind her that she’s been so busy sucking face with Fitzy, that she missed the PLL episode where Lucas beat the crap out of Ali’s Ugly Ass Fountain Memorial.  (Remember that, my Pretties?)

Also, apparently, Lucas knows how to swim . . . which is weird, considering he’s allergic to chlorine.

Where did he learn to doggie paddle? In his bathtub?

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Thinking about Lucas’ “fishy” behavior makes Hanna thirsty.  Fortunately, someone has put a thermos of liquor in her pocketbook.   Wait, did I say liquor?  I meant LAKE WATER  . . .

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That’s right.  “A” strikes against poor Hanna with a vengeance, and, of course, a snarky text message to match: “No fun chugging lake water is it?  Choke on this, b*tch!”

Oooh!  Now, that’s what I call a burn, which is probably what Hanna’s going to feel in her stomach, when that lake water comes back up for another cameo appearance.

In other Creepy A news, she’s apparently been stocking up on prepaid cell phones, and hiding them in Spencer’s nana’s attic, while Caleb and Hanna were boning on Spencer’s nana’s couch.

This humps for you, Nana! 

Among the cell phones, creepy dolls, and used condom wrappers, Spencer finds something else in her nana’s attic: a receipt . . . from Smitty’s .  . . in Philly.

I smell a Road Trip!

Still “Holden” onto Fitzy . . .

They say the best way to get over an ex, is to get under someone else.  And that’s probably true, unless you’re Aria.  If you’re Aria, the best way to get over an ex, is to get under that ex again, while telling your parents your under that nerdy childhood friend they seem to like so much.  And this is how Aria comes to accept a date request from that curly-haired muppet Holden .  . .

I see the resemblance, don’t you?

It’s also how she comes to bring him to that exact same lame play she was supposed to attend with Professor Sweater Vest, before Papa Hypocrite and Mama moody got in the way . . .

“Oh No . . .el!”

Who cares that Hanna’s “romantic row” across the lake wound up morphing into the last scene of a bad Lifetime Movie.  Mona is upset, dammit!  She’s just been dumped by her Bushy Eyebrows Boyfriend . . . and less than twenty-four hours after she showed him her “lovely lady lumps,” no less.

Mona + Noel  = Mole?  This relationship was doomed from the start . . . WORST SHIP NAME EVER!

Now, that’s gotta really mess with a girl’s self esteem!  But like I said, Hanna’s got her own problems.  Not only might she have just turned Lucas into Rosewood’s own version of Swamp Thing, she’s also about to LOSE HER Homecoming Crown, because she’s a SUSPECTED Ali Killer . . . Oh the horror!

(I don’t know . . . if I were Hanna, I’d be more concerned about the fact that there was once a MASSIVE CLOSEUP SHOT OF MY FACE in the display case at school.   I mean, that thing was just asking to have a mustache, and black teeth drawn on it.)

Hey, remember Sappy Sean?  Nobody else does . . . 

But, like I said, this isn’t about Hanna!  It’s about Dumped Mona!  And she’s mad that Hanna isn’t down with joining her for a Bushy Eyebrow Boyfriend Bonfire.  What an unsupportive biatch!  (Hey Mona, remember when Caleb left you a letter for Hanna, saying that he loved her, and you poured soda on it, and threw it in the garbage?  I bet Hanna does!)

BUSTED! 

Hypocrisy aside, Mona blows a raspberry in Hanna’s face, and storms off to watch three hours of The Notebook, nonstop, while she cries into an entire tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Feel free to eat your feelings, Mona . . .

Meanwhile, Hanna heads to the ladies room, for her own Cry Fest . . .

In Which Hanna’s Tears Flood the Entire Girl’s Bathroom . . .

What high school girl hasn’t rushed into a stinky bathroom stall for a snot-filled Ugly Cry?  In the next scene, we see Hanna doing exactly that.  But here’s the weird thing, it seems the ENTIRE BATHROOM IS CRYING FOR HANNA.  I mean literally, the whole place fills up with water, that pools at her feet.  (Hey, wasn’t that a scene from Alice in Wonderland . . . the Disney version?)  Undoubtedly, Hanna is wondering which non-Homecoming Queen had the nerve to stop up a toilet, while her highness was sobbing.

However, when she emerges from the bathroom, she learns that the culprit wasn’t an excessive toilet paper user at all!  Instead, it was a really small oarsman, in a teeny tiny boat . . .

(How adorable!)

Buzzzzzz . . . it’s been nearly five minutes since our last message from “A”.  You know what that means . . .

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Kiss the girl . . . unless she knocks you in the back of the head with a phallic-looking wooden object . . .

I don’t know “A” the boat was cute and all.  But I, personally, would have gone with a rubber duckie.  Their squeakier. 🙂

In Which Maya pretends to need a fake ID . . .

Emily gets a weird phone call, from a blocked cell phone number.  But she doesn’t screen it, because, apparently, she’s a moron.  The person on the other end of the line is a mixture of seductive and creepy.  Is it “A”?

That depends . . . do you think Maya is “A?” I do!  I do!  Because that’s who ends up being on the other end of the line.  She wants Emily to get her a fake ID, so that she can pretend she’s not 40 so that the two can go clubbing . . . or something.  Emily decides to offer her new/old girlfriend Aria’s fake ID, because, apparently, the two are going to a bar for the blind.

TWINSIES!

Then, Maya gets a mysterious call, and has to get off the phone ASAP.  We know it’s “mysterious,” because Maya makes the Spencer Face, when she gets it.

Golly gee, I wonder who it could be?

No Sex on Spencer’s Nana’s Couch , Tonight!

The Honeymoon’s over for Haleb, and it’s all Lucas’ fault.  Damn, that Lucas and his shady, possibly dead, ways!  How dare he come between this sexy super couple.  Now, how’s baby Haleb supposed to be conceived on Spencer’s Nana’s couch?

Here’s what the fight is about.  Caleb wants to go find Lucas, and Hanna would prefer he rot at the bottom of the lake.  Well, not really.  But based on how she’s acting, you certainly can’t blame Caleb for thinking that.  He’s also pissed at Hanna for not being “honest” with him . . . (says the guy who was hired by Blind Jenna to stalk her, and who, up until recently, made a living hacking and stealing people’s cell phones).  But hey, nobody is perfect, right?

Don’t answer that . . . 

Anywhoo .  . . Caleb’s going to go back to Spencer’s lake house, and check nana’s couch with a blacklight for any sign of sperm that’s not his own.  He’s such a super sleuth, that Caleb.   Then again, knowing Caleb, he could probably save himself a lot of trouble, and car mileage, by simply hacking Lucas’ phone . . . or maybe even checking his computer for “strange” web activity?

Most guys just stick with porn . . . 

I See Blind People . . .

Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are chilling in Philly, right outside Smitty’s, which ends up being nothing more than a lame magazine stand.  Talk about a wasted trip!  But, here’s the kicker .  . . well, there are two kickers actually.  (1) Smitty’s is right by Psycho B*tch Melissa’s apartment.  As for the second kicker, we won’t find out what it is, until Aria conveniently exits, stage left.

Mere minutes later, Spencer finds herself surrounded by . . . wait for it . . . BLIND PEOPLE . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF BLIND PEOPLE . . . AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO.  This, understandably frightens Spencer, who’s only experience with blind people has been through the frightening, flute playing, brother f*&king one one, who may, or may not have gotten Spencer ARRESTED for a murder she didn’t commit.

“I also ate my seeing eye dog . . . “

 Given that, can you blame Spencer for being a little Blindist?

Nevertheless, Spencer follows the Blind People Parade to a Building for Blind People.  (An Existential, But Possibly Offensive, Riddle:  If there is a building that no one ever sees, does it really exist?)

Spencer talks to the Building for Blind People’s receptionist, in an attempt to get information about Blind Jenna.  Unfortunately, Building for Blind People’s receptionist is just too tough of a nut to crack.

But lest Spencer be forced to make her Face again, Someone magically appears to help her in her hour of need.  Question: Who could it be?  Answer: THIS GUY . . .

Apparently, one of the perks of enrolling in the Building for the Blind is a free curling iron . . .

OMG!  It’s that guy from Glee . . . you know, the one Blaine was in love with for one episode.  Apparently, being serenaded by the Warblers, made the poor guy go blind!  Oh, the humanity!

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Blind Jeremiah (or whatever his name was supposed to be in this show) just looooooooved Blind Jenna, because she was so kind and supportive, or whatever.  She also seemed really determined to graduate from Blind Building, so she could do stuff .  . . you know, like torturing fellow high schoolers, and screwing  siblings and police boys.  Blind Jeremiah also cryptically notes that Blind Jenna is totes awesome at “reading people” and feeling up their arms, to determine if their pulse is racing.  How’s that for foreplay?  Something tells me if Spencer wasn’t madly in love with Abs Toby, she’d be all over this blind hand-fondling hunk of man meat .  . .

But alas, this is a “working vacation.”  And Spencer has evidence to steal .  . .

That’s right, my Pretties.  In a twist of convenient ridiculousness that only can exist on this show, Spencer notices that Blind Building keeps books containing the signatures of ALL THE PEOPLE WHO EVER VISITED THERE right behind the desk . . . for fond memories, I guess (which would make a lot more sense, if people signed in using braille).  I love that Spencer immediately thought to look up the sign out book for OVER A YEAR AGO, and it just happened to be RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING.  (Talk about a waste of precious trees, and space!  Who the hell else would be interested in a bunch of names and times from a year ago, aside from Spencer?)

All sense of logic aside, when Spencer flips through the book, she learns that Police Boy Garrett signed Jenna out of Blind Building on the night of Ali’s murder AND NEVER SIGNED HER BACK IN . . .

Silly Garrett, you signed your lover out of her blind house to commit a murder, and USED YOUR REAL NAME?  Did your parents drop you on the head one too many times as a baby?

DOH! 

Speaking of people who might be brain damaged . . .

Mona Goes Shopping . . .

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In a scene that’s so useless, it’s only purpose seems to be to make Mona look like she might be “A,” Spencer runs into the recently dumped chickee, right outside the subway station, on the way back from her trip to Blindland . . . er . . . I mean Philly.  Apparently, Mona’s been trying out a little retail therapy, of the Ugly Sweater Set variety.  So, if she shows up for next week’s episode looking like this . . .

But hey, it could have been worse.  She could have bought THIS sweater . . .

The Case of the Mysterious Maya . . .

Maya is acting “weird.”  She keeps getting text messages, and making funny faces.  Emily worries that Maya might be getting stalked by “A.”  Why not?  Everybody else is!  Except, since I think Maya IS actually “A,” that can’t really be the case, can it?

Fortunately, unlike with the whole Lucas Fiasco, the writers don’t make us wait a week to find out.  As it turns out, Maya met someone at Druggie / De-gaying Camp.  They started to date, and things went sour.  (Boooriinng!) Oh, but that’s not all, Maya’s “date” was a HE!

“Whatchu talking about, Maya?” 

OK . . . so, I have a theory about this.  Wanna hear it?  (Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.)

Maya’s stalker ex boyfriend is . . . wait for it . . . Bushy Eyebrows NOEL!

It makes sense, doesn’t it?  Especially considering how Noel’s dumping of Mona coincided almost exactly with Maya’s “mysterious text message” receipts AND how both characters were “absent” around the same time.

If this is true . . . Maya better watch out . . . because those slimy caterpillars over Noel’s eyeballs are not the type to  take no for an answer . . .

Because Arthur Miller Plays are Sexy .  . .

When most people see their ex, while their out on a date with somebody else, they do this . . .

But not Fitzy and Aria.  Nooo sir . . . these two star crossed lovers prefer to walk . . . toward . . . each . . . other . . . in  . . . slooooooo . . . . mooooo . . . while . . . verrrry . .  . cheesyyy . . . muuuussiiiic .  . . plays . . . in . . . the . . . background . . .

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Poor . . . poor, probably gay, anyway, Holden!  How exactly does one compete with millions of teeny tiny violins, and enough Fitzy tears to flood an entire theater filled with old people.  (Because, really, who else under the age of 55, goes to see Arthur Miller plays, unless they are doing it extra credit?)  Then again, if anyone knows a thing or two about “extra credit,” it’s Aria Montgomery . . .

Speaking of 55-year olds, Fitzy’s bad experiences with Wacky Jackie have caused him to completely swear off girls his age.  Case in point . . . his date to the theater . . .

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Then again, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy’s chosen to bring a chaperone along on his sort-of date with Aria . . .

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Aria is crushed, when Fitzy makes his big wet puppy eyes at her, but escapes the theater, without even so much as trying to cop a feel . . .

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But don’t worry Ezria fans, unlike Aria’s mom, and that random middle-aged lady, Possibly Gay Holden is totally cool with being used / playing a third wheel to Professor Romeo and Underage Juliet.   In fact, it kind of turns him on!

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  So, can Aria and Fitzy trust Holden to be their beard?

I think so.  Anyone who’s brings gummy bears on a first date can’t be too evil, right?

He’s Baaaaaack!

It’s a dark stormy night despite the fact that it wasn’t raining a moment ago, when Aria went on her date . . . or when Spencer went to Philly . . . or when Emily went out clubbing with Maya.  Hanna is sitting on her steps in the dark, feeling sorry for herself .  . . and possibly trying to save electricity?  Suddenly, the window opens . . . so she goes to close it.  (Sounds like a pretty sensible thing to do, right?)

But then, when she turns her back for a second, we see DIRTY FOOTSTEPS ON THE FLOOR.  And we all know those dirty footprints can only come from one person?

(Geez, Lucas!  You’d think you’d have learned by now to wipe your feet before commiting misdemeanors . . .)  Under the circumstances, you really can’t blame Hanna for thinking that Lucas is trying to kill her.  (She did, after all, sort of / kind of try to kill HIM.)

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Also, he’s not exactly looking like an upstanding citizen, right now . . .

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When Caleb arrives at the house to find Lucas looming seemingly threateningly over Hanna, not-Seth Cohen has some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .

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Get ready to feel incredibly guilty, Hanna.  Apparently, Lucas’ Big Water Confession was not that has was working for “A”, but that he had spent all of Caleb’s phone hacking stash betting on basketball games.  (I don’t know . . . it sure sounded a lot worse than that, when he was calling the SUICIDE HOTLINE!)  So, where has Lucas been all this time, if not skulking around with “A” or sleeping with the fish, you ask?  It appears our nerdy high roller has been out trying to sell his comic stash for some quick cash to pay back his friend, Spongebob Squarepants . . .

Caleb takes the news surprisingly well.  But Lucas can’t help but notice how quiet Hanna has gotten, since he made his confession . . .

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Poor Lucas undoubtedly took the above statement as some kind of judgment from Hanna.  But just as Hanna did earlier, when she smacked Lucas upside the head in the middle of a lake, he might very well have misread the situation.   After all, Hanna, of all people, knows what it’s like to do Very Bad Things for money.  (Remember when “A” paid her to dance with Lucas, using the money her mom stole from that old lady?)

I actually think Hanna meant the line in an oddly positive way, as in “I’m glad you’re not A’s evil henchman, who beat  Emily with garden tools, because she showed him an empty box . . .

Poor Lucas!  If only he knew . . .

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

I Ordered my Worms without MSG!

Later that night, the girls order Chinese takeout, and find a special surprise in their lomaine . . .

Noel’s eyebrows!  How did you get in there? 

I guess they should have stuck with the fried rice . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Gloved Hand tinkers with Toby’s architecture stand thingy . . .

It looks like another Pretty Little Boyfriend is going to end up all wet . . . I hope this one isn’t allergic to chlorine . . .

As for next week’s PLL installment, be on the look-out for more A shenanigans, Pretty Little Boys in danger, and, of course, Spencer Face . . .

 You can check out the Canadian promo here:

And it’s American counterpart here:

Don’t cry, my Pretties!  PLL will be back before you know it!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirlsforever]

Row, Row, Row Your Boat . . .- A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “A Hot Piece of A”

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Things we learned from this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars:

(1) If you are a high school student in crisis (which I really hope none of your are), and need to consult with the Crisis Hotline, be sure to call the one that’s three towns over.  There’s a really good chance someone you know is working at YOUR crisis center.  And he or she will soon learn all of your dirty little secrets . . .

(2) If you are going to take a picture of four hideous-looking dolls on your camera phone,  don’t put them in front of the ugly floral wallpaper!  Put them on a couch, and then pose them, so that they look like they are doing something dirty.  It’s just funnier that way . . .

(3) If your significant other’s father randomly comes to your apartment at night, and threatens you with police action, don’t fret . . . just scream, “Please stop touching me there.  No means no,” loud enough for all the neighbors to hear.  That should shut him up . . .

(4) If it is pitch black out, and you are in the middle of nowhere, there is really no good reason for you to be in a canoe . . . NONE . . . consider a motor boat, jet ski, or luxury cruise liner, instead.

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Hello, my Pretties!  Oh, how I adore this show, let me count the ways . . .   This week’s PLL installment featured a couple reunion, a couple implosion, some deliciously X-rated allusions to Spencer’s Nana’s couch, and HIGH SEAS INSANITY, COURTESY OF A SELF-DESTRUCTING LUCAS . . .

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(Good thing it wasn’t a pool . . . We all know how allergic he is to chlorine.)

So, strap on a life jacket, and polish up your rowing skills, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Emily has Glass in her Hair!  Someone call the Wahhhhhhmbulance!

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Now that the girls have all come down from the high of potentially finding A’s cell phone, Emily has decided she’s super pissed at the girls for leaving her to battle “A” in the greenhouse ALL BY HERSELF.  And while her anger is TOTALLY justified, if I were her, I’d be wayyy more upset about the fact that I was BEATEN UP BY GARDEN TOOLS, than the fact that I had GLASS IN MY HAIR.  I mean, the latter even sounds kind of fashionable . . .

Anywhoo . . . Spencer immediately insists that the girls call on Hanna’s hacking beau, Caleb, to download data off the phone.  Considering how determined she is to keep her OWN boyfriend out of “A’s” crosshairs, this seems more than a bit hypocritical of her.  Hanna agrees with me, telling Spencer that she is not one of her “winged monkeys.”

Woo-hoo!  A Wizard of Oz reference! 

She hilariously insists that the girls use someone who’s a bit more . . .  um . . . remote to hack into the phone . . .

 

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Awww, now Hanna . . . that’s just plain racist . . .

Caleb offers the girls some “Technical Support.”

ARIA: “Hey Hanna, come look!  Caleb’s got naked pictures of you on his computer . . .”

SPENCER: “Is that my Nana’s couch?” 

So, the good news is that Caleb found a lot of major,  potentially incriminating, data on “A’s” cell phone . . .

The bad news is that he can’t access any of it (aside from one lame doll picture), because the phone’s owner cleverly trashed all of it’s content, remotely, using his computer.

Also in the “bad news” column . . . Emily smells like mulch . . .

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Caleb is going to need a bit more time to recover the phone’s files.  He looks to Hanna, who’s been unusually quiet, this entire time, for approval of his continued involvement.  She reluctantly agrees.  However, she refuses to involve him any further in this mess, by giving him more information on the subject.

This annoys Caleb, obviously.  But not enough for him to give up all the hot bunny rabbit sex, these two have apparently been having lately . . .

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(I don’t know about you, but I’d personally be VERY interested in the “other ways” they’ve been naked . . . But I guess we will have to wait for PLL to get picked up by HBO or Showtime, before we can find out . . .)

When the Spoby Mobile is a-rockin’ . . .

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Last week, if you recall, I was rather annoyed at BOTH Abs Toby and Spencer, for acting like total douchebags to one another.  Abs Toby acted like a douchebag, because he basically stalked Spencer, made her a lame rocking chair, and didn’t know how to leave well enough alone.  Spencer acted like a douchebag (Can we call girls douchebags?), because she rudely and angrily froze Abs Toby out, even though there’s a good chance he could have helped her out, if she simply let him in, a little bit . . .

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That said, I’m happy to report that both members of this couple completely redeemed themselves (at least in my eyes), this week.  I was proud of Spencer for confronting Abs Toby, apologizing for her earlier behavior, and admitting that she still cared deeply for him, even if she couldn’t tell him everything about what was going on in her life.  I was also proud of Abs Toby for accepting that Spencer had her reasons for continuing to keep him in the dark on certain things, and for making out with her, like a BAMF!

 

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Do I smell little babies with six packs, in this couple’s future?

Trouble in Paradise for the Most Disgusting Couple EVER?

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Did you ever notice how every time Spencer and Toby make out in his Looooooove Mobile, they end up overhearing a conversation that ends up being crucial to the plot?  Now, if that’s not an excuse to car bang ALL THE TIME, I don’t know what is!

This time around, Spoby overhears Police Boy Garrett arguing on the phone with Blind Jenna, who has apparently dumped his ass, over one of their EEEEEEVILL plans going horribly awry.  Police Boy Garrett is clearly a moron . . . one who obviously doesn’t understand the concept of using his “telephone voice.”  It’s no wonder the ENTIRE TOWN didn’t hear him bitching to Jenna about “messing things up last night,” and “getting someone else involved.”

Cue Spencer Face . . .

Abs Toby suggests that the pair might be fighting over Blind Jenna’s stress regarding her upcoming operation.  But Spencer immediately assumes they are referring to the girls’ botched meeting with “A”, the night before . . . a meeting about which EVERYONE in Rosewood oddly seems to have intimate knowledge.  (They must really like their greenhouses, in that town . . .)

Later, Abs Toby confronts Police Boy Garrett, and it’s kind of cool to see the tables between these two turned, for once . . .

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Apparently, Blind Jenna had some fancy limo take her to Boston (or at least to the airport), for her fancy eye surgery.  (Uh oh!  It looks like Blind Jenna might have to get a new nickname.)  Police Boy Garrett is miserable over this, because he didn’t get to take her highness, himself.  He’s desperate to know whether she went with another man.  (Ummm . . . I would kind of think her parents took her?  Getting Not-Blind-Surgery is usually the kind of thing Mom and Dad like to be in on . . . just sayin’.)

To Police Boy’s credit (though it does make him seem more than a bit pathetic), he seems to genuinely love that creepy, flute playing witch, and is more concerned for her well being, than anything else.  Abs Toby, of course, basically tells him not to bother.  “Blind Jenna uses people up, and spits them out, like chewing tobacco,” Toby explains, more or less.  She clearly did that to Abs Toby, which is just too disturbing for words, if you ask me . . .

*makes vomit noises*

I hope, for Police Boy Garrett’s sake, that Blind Jenna decides to stay in Boston.  This way, he can go back to dating Lizzie McGuire, and everyone can be happy!

Ezria gets by with a little help from their friends  . . .

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Things have gotten mighty rocky in Ezria land, ever since last week’s Declaration of Love that Went Horribly Awry  . . .

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Now, Aria’s parents are keeping her on lockdown, saddling her with a dress code, limiting her PLL Girl Time, and trying to set her up with random guest stars named “Holden.”

I’m willing to reserve judgment, until I learn more.  But I don’t like his hair. 

To make matters worse, when Aria calls Fitzy on the phone, he either screens her calls and doesn’t pick up, or, flat out, tells her not to call anymore!

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But despite all the doom and gloom, the Pretty Little Liars have managed to rally around this couple, each finding ways to show their support.  Hanna (who, not so long ago, had to endure the ignominy of having a parent who didn’t approve of her choice of boyfriend) gallantly takes the time to travel out to Hollis college, to tell Fitzy she’s on Team Ezria.  (And as sweet as the scene between them was, I thought it was kind of funny that Fitzy made Hanna leave the door open, while she was making her speech.  Hey, at least he’s learning!)

Back at Rosewood, Emily, in a speech that manages to be both respectful, and decidedly bold, reminds Aria’s mother that Aria is exactly the same person she was, before Mommy Dearest learned she was boning her former English Professor . . .

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You tell her, Sista!  (As we will see a bit later, Emily’s brief words may have gone a long way in warming Mama Montgomery’s heart . . . if not necessarily to the idea of “Ezria,” at least to the idea that Aria shouldn’t necessarily be judged poorly for what happened between them.

On the other hand . . .

Byronnnnn = Moronnnnnnnn

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“Ooh . . . a knock on the door late at night . . . I hope it’s a booty call.”

“Doh!” 

OK . . . OK . . . I understand that most parents wouldn’t be entirely cool with the idea of their sixteen year old girl dating a guy in his mid-twenties, who used to be her teacher.  But honestly, there was just something so disturbing about Byron hunting down Fitzy in his home to “lay down the law.”  For starters, there was that remark he made about him having, “gone to parties in this building . . . with my slutty student girlfriend Ella.”  Seriously, why would you tell that to someone you are about to threaten?

But the best was the part where Byron admitted that HE himself, had difficulty navigating “student /  teacher” relationships.  However, because HIS former honey happened to be two years older than Aria, THAT makes him a better person than Fitzy.  (Never mind the fact that BYRON is probably old enough to be HIS ex-girlfriend’s daddy . . . Oh, and HE’S MARRIED!!!)

I feel like I would have felt less  put off by this conversation, if it was ELLA making the threats, as opposed to Byron.  And then, when Papa Doucheface took things further, by threatening to call the police . . . well that was just TOTALLY uncalled for  . . . (and kind of made me hope that his girlfriend 1 . . . ends up to have been lying about her age, and is really just an incredibly intelligent, and rapidly aging, 14-year old; 2 . . .  happens to be pregnant with his spawn).  I know . . . I’m evil . . .

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*pees in pants* 

Remember when I mentioned how Emily’s words in support of Aria’s honor influenced Mama Montgomery to come around a bit on the whole Fitzy situation?  Well, we get to see that, firsthand, in the following scene, when she blasts MoronByron for considering going to the police, and ruining HIS OWN daughter’s already-tarnished reputation, in the process.  She also says this: “We raised our daughter to be independent, and open minded.  That means we don’t get to be shocked, when that is exactly who she is.”

BRAVO, Miss Montgomery!  That might very well be the smartest thing you’ve said all season . . .

That said, Mama Montgomery may have only been faking “smart.”  Because she sure falls fast for Aria’s ridiculously obvious lie that she has a date with “Holden,” when it’s crystal clear, she wants to see Fitzy, instead  . . .

Oops! 

What Lucas has in common with Spongebob Squarepants . . .

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By the end of this episode, they are both all wet and soggy? 

Lucas has been acting kind of strange, lately . .  . stranger than usual,  I mean.  Whereas our adorkable brunette used to practically do cartwheels, just for the opportunity to be within spitting distance of Hanna, he’s become surprisingly cool with her .  . . trying desperately to make excuses as to why they can’t study together.  He’s also been more than a bit b*tchy to Caleb, even though the two are usually, as Hanna describes them, “like Patrick and Spongebob.”

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Typically nerdy to the extreme, and a veritable fountain of knowledge on all subjects, Lucas seems oddly distracted and un-helpful, during his and Hanna’s Civil War Study Session.  He also seems to have no desire to help Hanna throw a birthday surprise party for her beau, at Spencer’s lake house where the two boned on Nana’s couch . . . ahh . .  memories.

Lucas sights “money issues,” as the reason behind his unwillingness to party plan.  I actually think there is more to this statement than meets the eye.  It may even be the reason why Lucas ended up doing what he did . . .

But more on that theory, later . . .

For now, Lucas is being weird, and Hanna is being completely oblivious, drunk as she is on Caleb love, and dreams of expanding the ways in which she and her beau can see one another naked, in the future . . .

Something tells me that later, Hanna will be kicking herself, for not picking up on the signs that something was very, very wrong . . .

1-800-Don’tHurtHanna!

Over at the LEAST ANONYMOUS CRISIS HOTLINE EVER  . . . Emily is performing her community service responsibilities.  So, of course, as part of her “training,” she is asked to read a transcript from a call that came in the night before (Now why wouldn’t you use an older transcript than that?  That just seems in bad taste to me?).  And, of course, the caller seems to have a lot in common with Emily’s attacker from the night before.

What a coinky-dink!  Mystery caller just seemed to BLAB on about screwing up, and “almost getting caught” and “shutting it down,” and “wanting to kill himself.”  Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Sh*t just got REAL!

Upon hearing about Emily’s experience, Spencer decides that SHE should volunteer at the call center too  out of the kindness of her heart.  How fitting then, that shortly after Spencer arrives Mystery Caller calls again, and that AWFUL Crisis Manager decides it would be a great idea to have the girls LISTEN IN, on this poor soul’s suicidal rantings.  (Note to self . . . never call a crisis center, EVER!)

Oh, but here’s the thing about Mystery Caller.  He just so happens to have a very recognizable voice . . .

“That’s LUCAS!” 

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Now, the PLL girls are convinced that Lucas is the one who attacked Emily in the greenhouse that night, and, resultantly lost his cell phone.  It would stand to reason then, that Lucas somehow, got roped into working for “A” and/or Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  I think this is probably a good assumption.

But the real question is HOW involved is he, and WHY is he involved?   Because, while certainly not innocent, I don’t think Lucas is nearly as evil or nutso, as the PLL girls seem to think he is, by the end of the episode.

Why nutso, you say?  Because at the end of his little convo with Worst Crisis Center Manager EVER, he says this: “I never wanted to hurt anybody . . . now I HAVE TO . . .”

Lucas dips his toe further into the Wackjob Pool, when Emily “conveniently” finds herself at the Crisis Center again, just minutes before Caleb’s surprise party, and happens to pick up the phone, herself, when Lucas calls a third time . . .

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Of course, Emily thinks Lucas is talking about Hanna.  And I think he is too.  I just don’t think he’s actually talking about killing her.  I suspect his intentionally vague words have more to do with the fact that he’s planning to come clean to her about his involvement in the whole “A” fiasco.   But he knows that the minute she finds out what he’s done to her and her friends, their friendship will be over.  I also think Lucas got roped into working with “A” as a result of . . . wait for it  . . . gambling debt.  Remember the sports betting page from earlier?

Mmmmm- hmmmm!

But that’s neither here, nor there.  The important thing to remember, right now, is that Lucas is acting a couple of pawns short of a chess game.  So, Emily needs to get to the lake house, ASAP . . . BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!

“I can’t watch!  It’s all too INTENSE!” 

“We’re having a party . . . everybody’s . . . swimming?”

It’s Caleb’s surprise party, and everyone’s there . . .  even people who weren’t technically invited . . .

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 . . . like Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel (haven’t seen him in a while, have we?).  Spencer is lurking around the attic, when she randomly moves some boxes, and discovers the same ugly wallpaper from the creepy doll photograph on Lucas’ (?) cell phone.  You know what that means, don’t you? “A” was IN THE HOUSE!

Geez!  It seems like EVERYBODY gets busy on Spencer’s Nana’s couch!  (She should start charging rent, by the hour!)  Spencer then has a weird run-in with Lucas,  who claims to be “looking for tools,” and also seems to have surprisingly intimate knowledge of the room, despite, supposedly, having never been there before.  The usually fearless Spencer, looks genuinely frightened of Mr. Adorkable (who is now sweating like a pig, and not looking so hot AT ALL), and runs away like a frightened mouse . . .

Enter Emily (wow, she got there fast!), who warns Lucas not to do anything CRAZY (you know . . . like beat people with garden tools), and tells him that Hanna will probably forgive him, provided he doesn’t . . . you know . . . murder her.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lucas thinks to himself, before deciding to take Hanna on a “romantic canoe cruise” to set off some fireworks.  Ruh roh!

“If you put me in the hospital again, Lucas Gottesman, we are SO not Facebook friends, anymore  . . .” 

In what was honestly, the most frightening PLL moment I’ve experienced in quite some time, Lucas and Hanna ride across the lake in silence, as Hanna finally catches on to the Lucasy-weirdness her friends have been warning her about.  By the time he stops rowing, grabs the oars from her hands, and sternly tells her to “sit down,” while suffering from a bad case of “Crazy Eyes,” our spunky blonde is truly terrified, and near tears.

“If you kill me, Caleb and I will never be able to have sex on Spencer’s Nana’s toilet!  (We’ve always wanted to do that.)” 

To make matters even more frightening, Spencer and Emily are now across the lake, frantically screaming at Hanna, and telling her to get the f*ck out of there.  “Don’t make this any harder for me, than it already is,” says Lucas, rising to his feet.  (That’s right, Lucas.   You tell Hanna how insensitive she’s being, for not rejoicing in the “alone time” she’s getting to spend with your seemingly crazy ass.)

On impulse, Hanna appears to knock Lucas overboard with one of her oars.

“But I’m allergic to chlorine, which means I probably can’t swim!  And if you think that once I’m dead, I’m going to help you remove all those unflattering pictures of you online, you are sadly mistaken!”

With Lucas literally “swimming with the fishes” but probably not dead . . . yet, Hanna tries frantically to paddle to shore.  But then, someone CAPSIZES her boat.  Was it Lucas?  I DON’T THINK SO!  I’ll tell you why, in just a bit . . .

Things look REALLY bad for Hanna . . . at least for a few seconds, until we see her doggie paddling to the shore like a PRO!  (Emily will be SOOO proud!)

(She’s not allergic to chlorine!) 

As Spencer and Emily pull a breathless, and pale Hanna to the shore, Bushy Eyebrows and Mona magically appear SOAKING WET!  They claim to have randomly decided to take a “sexy dip in the lake,” while Hanna and Lucas were DROWNING.  Sounds reasonable, right?

And, if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .

Man, does EVERYONE on this show work for “A”?  (BTW, Mona is currently my top choice for “A.”  Because Blind Jenna just seems too obvious.  As for my second choice?  Maya .  . . just because it would be so completely out of left field, that it would make me giggle.)

If the letter fits . . .

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Poor Caleb chooses this moment to arrive at the Birthday Party that will Never Be . . .

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At least he’ll still get to eat that really pretty chocolate birthday cake Hanna baked for him!

In the final moments of the episode, we see yet another hooded figure fishing Lucas’ sneaker out of the water . . .

(For those of you who don’t remember, Lucas’ sneakers had a cameo on this show, back in Season 1, when we found out he destroyed Ali’s memorial?)

So, is Lucas gone for good?  No, he’s in next week’s promo.  It’s too early to tell.  But one things for sure.  After his little “boat ride” with Hanna, someone sure as hell has a lot of explaining to do . . .

Now . . . promos for next week . . . you want ’em?  We’ve got em  . . .

(Once again, CANADA WINS!  Come on, USA!  Get with the program!)

So, how did you like “Hot Piece of A?”  How crazy is Lucas, really?  Do you actually believe Bushy Eyebrows and Mona about their “late night swim?”  What the f*#k are we supposed to call Blind Jenna after her surgery? Are you happy for Spoby?  Miserable for Ezria?  And perhaps most importantly, WHO DO YOU THINK IS A?

Please sound off, in the comments section below.  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Everybody Hates Emily? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares”

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Greetings, My Pretties!  Happy New Year, and welcome back!  It sure has been a long cold winter, without any nefarious texts from “A,” sneers from Blind Jenna, obligatory Ali flashbacks, or Pretty Little Couple’s Makeout Sessions.

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Fortunately, Pretty Little Liars is back with a vengeance.  And if this mid-season premiere episode is any indication, we are in for quite the wild ride.

So slip into that fashionable orange jumpsuit, practice your right hook, and prune your garden hoe, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

GIRLFIGHT!

We open on a completely random shot of little girls jumping rope to some Pretty Little Liars’ themed rhyme.  You know, because little girls are scary . . . especially ones who jump rope.  Then again, perhaps I only think this because I was a particularly unathletic child.

Anywhoo . . . it’s been one month since our fabulous foursome was caught fondling the Big Fat Shovel That Killed Now-Dead Ali.  The time jump conveniently ensures that we can skip over all that Boring Legal Stuff the girls likely had to endure for being the MAIN SUSPECTS IN A MURDER!

Thank goodness for that!  And, while we’re at it, thank goodness for Spencer’s Mom!  She must be the best criminal attorney EVER!  Step aside, Guy Who Represented O.J. Simpson (Johnny Cochran, R.I.P.).  There’s a new sheriff in town!

But lest you think our pretties got off scot-free, this is NOT the case.  They had one month of community service, which basically entailed picking up trash on the highway.  (Take that, Lindsay Lohan!)

At first blush, this doesn’t sound so bad, right?  I mean, aside from being a very environmentally conscientious “green” thing to do, they get to do it together.  So, here I am expecting a nice, fun-filled, scene filled with snarky one-liners, community service hijinks, and maybe even a chain gang sing-a-long a la Glee.  But, alas, it is not to be.  Something stinks in Rosewood.  And it’s not the trash on Highway 16 . . .

Suddenly Emily is TOTALLY sticking it to Spencer for not wanting to go in on her “Big Plan.”  She even goes as far as to suggest that Spencer’s rich, fancy parents would throw the rest of the girls under the bus for Ali’s murder, if they had the chance . . .

Cue Spencer Face . . .

 Ugly Horse Sweater not included . . .

Next thing you know, Spencer is tossing her garbage bag at Emily, and the girls are throwing down, Fight Club-style . . .

The moment that launched hundreds of M-rated Spemily Slash fanfictions . . .

Things get so intense between the two growling, grunting, hair-tugging teens, that the local sheriffs have to intervene.  (But not, Police Boy Garrett . . . whose sole function on the police force seems to be to sit in his car and suck face with Blind Jenna twirl his non-existent Evil Mustache and plot World Domination).  The altercation results in two extra weeks of community service for each girl.  Oh, and Spencer’s dreams of an Ivy League education are pretty much shot to hell.  But, hey, I hear the Women’s Wrestling Federation is hiring!

But Spencer isn’t the only one who seems to be hating on Emily.  Back at La Casa de Marin, Hanna is also giving her the cold shoulder.  AWK-WARD . . . especially considering that, last I checked, these two were sharing a bedroom.  Emily doesn’t mind too much though.

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After all, she got a Really Cool and Mysterious Fax.   Maybe it’s from the Womens’s Wrestling Federation.  Meanwhile . . .

Frowny Fitzy and Avoidant Aria

Aria’s skipping through town with her used-to-be-crazy for about three episodes Little Brother Mike.  (By the way, does anyone else think Little Brother Mike kind of looks and acts like Little Brother Jeremy from The Vampire Diaries?  Just wondering . . .)

Little Brother Mike tells Aria that he’s happy he has a nice new therapist, and that people don’t look at him like he’s a Bobble Head anymore.  This caused me to wonder how exactly people look, when they are looking at a Bobble Head.  Do they just nod a lot?

The Montgomery duo run into Fitzy in town.  So, Aria, being super slick, and not-at-all obvious . . .

. . . tells Little Brother Mike to go throw out her coffee cup in the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  Little Brother Mike complies, but not without looking at Fitzy, like he’s a Bobble Head.  (See what I did there? ;))  Apparently, Aria’s been giving Fitzy the Big Freeze, ever since Wacky Jackie threatened to have her former honey fired from Hollis College, if Aria continued to see him.

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This probably would have been a REALLY good time for Aria to tell Fitzy that his latent-onset psycho ex-fiance will most likely come after him with an axe screaming, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN,” if the two are seen together.  But hey, Pretty Little Liars wouldn’t be Pretty Little Liars if all the characters didn’t keep completely unnecessary secrets from one another.  And besides, Little Brother Mike is back from his trek to the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  So, it’s hasta la vista, for now, Dear Fitzy . . .

“Toodles!” 

Elsewhere . . .

We’ll get you, Policeboy Garrett! (And your creepy blind girlfriend too.)

Clearly having picked up a thing or two about creepy fortune-cookie-esque taglines from “A,” Spencer confronts the traitorous Police Boy Garrett.  She does this, pretty much just to make fun of his now-public relationship with Blind Jenna  . . .

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(If by “interesting” you mean “stomach-turning” and “vomit-inducing,” then, yes, they certainly are “interesting,” Spencer.)

Spencer also wants to freak to Police Boy Garrett out, by making him think that she’s on to his involvement in their frame-up and/or Ali’s murder, and/or A’s antics .  . .

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I’d say her intimidation tactics were successful, but it’s really hard to tell.  After all, Police Boy Garrett only seems to possess one facial expression: the “I Just Got Laid by a Minor” look . . .

Given that, it’s often difficult to determine whether he is scared, angry, smug, or just really has to pee . . .

GIRLFIGHT: Part Deux

Things continue to go from crappy to crappier for Poor, Newly-Outcasted, Emily Fields.  We find out that the fax she received earlier in the episode was actually a clean bill of health from that time “A” put steroids in her skin cream.

Don’t do it. NOOOOOOO! 

An excited Emily approaches her athletic advisor with the results,  hoping that she can finally rejoin the swim team.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is a murder suspect.  And I guess the thought that one of your teammates might bash your head in with a shovel in the locker room is “bad for team morale,” or whatever.  Then again, that Paige chick ALMOST DROWNED SOMEONE.  And she still got to swim.  Lame . . .

 To make matters worse, Emily almost comes to blows with Spencer in English class, when the two knock into one another, conveniently sending one another’s books flying across the floor.  (Wink, wink.)

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This prompts “A” to send Emily a text message . . .

. . . and Emily to respond, in a way that would only make sense if “A” happened to be in the same English class . . .

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After class, Emily is at her locker, when she comes upon a book she accidentally/ on purpose took from Spencer.  (It’s The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.  I’m not really sure that’s relevant.  But I figured, it couldn’t hurt.) Inside the book is a note instructing Emily to meet SOMEONE at 10:30 p.m. that night.  Emily complies.  And, SURPRISE!  It’s the rest of the girls.

Apparently, all this “Hating on Emily” was just a Big Ole Ruse to make her look like the Weakest Link, and get “A” to meet her.  Clever, right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  But it did give the actresses a chance to wrestle!  So, yay to the writers for that . . .

Lucas Flirts with Hanna / Has an Online Gambling Problem (?) / Gets His Heart Broken

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Though I love me some sexy Haleb action just as much as the next girl, I’m still a Lucas / Hanna shipper at heart.  So, of course, the nerd girl inside of me did a little Happy Dance, when I found out that Lucas has been keeping Hanna company, while his bromantic buddy, Caleb, is soaking up the sun in California with his Rich Bio Mom . . .

Apparently, Lucas has been spending whatever time he’s not actually with Hanna, combing the internet for pictures of her in her prison jumpsuit . . . which, to him, is probably almost (but not quite) as good as porn.  I think it’s super sweet that Lucas is willing to take down all these pictures to spare Hanna’s “pristine” image.

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But Lucas is no dummy.   He knows an opportunity for flirtation when he sees one.  And so, he cleverly manages to sneak into the conversation the fact that he thinks Hanna looks “pretty,” even in prison garb . . .

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You’ve got to admit, the Dude’s got game.  Speaking of game, this was the Super Mysterious Website he had on his screen, before Hanna sat down next to him . . .

It looks like some sort of online sports gambling site.  Perhaps, in addition to a successful eBay Auction career, and expert finder of Hanna Marin pictures, our adorkable, innocent, chlorine intolerant, Lucas is also a bookie.  Who knew?

It recently occurred to me that Lucas is not only a Mini Seth Cohen from The O.C.

He also may very well be the future lovechild of Leonard and Penny from The Big Bang Theory.  (Yes, I watch way too much television.)

How else would you explain his feeble attempt to interest Hanna in the fascinating world of comic books and graphic novels?

But alas, this little foray into geekdom will be short-lived.  Not long after the the Beauty and the Geek duo return to Hanna’s house,  they find Mr. Sexy Pants, himself, Caleb, right there waiting for them.

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It becomes immediately apparent that the Caleb / Lucas bromance is starting to sour, when Lucas not-so-subtly implies that he liked Caleb much better when he was living in California, as opposed to regularly boning their mutual dream girl.

Lucas then wryly lectures Caleb on possibly leading Hanna on, if he plans on staying in California, for the long term.   It’s a nice gesture, on Lucas’ part, but, at the same time, a bit self-serving.  And I say this as a Lucas Fan . . .  (Please don’t let him be “A” or Ali’s killer . . . pretty please, Writers!  I beg you!)

Elsewhere, in Unrequited Love Land . . .

Spoby on the Rocks .  . . with a Rocking Chair

Apparently, Spencer took A’s thinly veiled threat regarding Abs Toby’s safety VERY seriously . . . so seriously, in fact, that she hasn’t said a word to him, since she unceremoniously dumped him in his car, one month ago.  But when the going get dumped, the dumped build rocking chairs.  And that’s exactly what Toby does for Spencer . . . you know . . . because she’s secretly an 80-year old woman with a bad back and arthritis . . .

But Spencer doesn’t want anything to do with Toby, or his senior citizen gift (or, at least that’s what she wants him to think).  And she tells him as much  .  .  “Forget about me,” she tells him, coldly.  “Worry about your sister and that cop boyfriend of hers,” she concludes, before stalking into her house.

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Poor Abs Toby.  I blame the rocking chair . . . if he had only taken off his shirt, instead, things might have gone differently . . .

GIRLFIGHT III: Now with more Liars . . .

At the school swim meet, Abs Toby confronts his pal Emily, to ask her why Spencer is suddenly acting like such a Raging Biatch.  Emily, of course, has to pretend that her and Spencer aren’t friends anymore, so that they can keep up their ruse with “A.”  And she too, blows off Toby.

After the match, the girls stage their Big Fight for “A.”  During it, Emily asks Spencer for the box that Jason gave Aria, which purportedly contains Ali’s things, and a “Big Clue as to A’s Identity.”  Backed by the other girls, Spencer angrily refuses to tell Emily the location of the box.  And Emily threatens to find it, and steal it.  Moments later, Emily receives yet-another text from “A.”  It says . . . (drumroll please) . . .

Those watching the altercation include Lucas, Caleb, Garrett, and Toby . . . along with . . . well . . . I guess the rest of the school, just to narrow it down for ya!

Ezria Comes Out of the Closet / Gets a Fat Lip

Under the guise of returning a book to Ezra, Aria sneaks into his office at Hollis College, while he’s teaching a class, in order to leave him a love note of some sort.  Of course, who should walk in to witness this but Wacky Jackie . . .

And she’s ANGRY!  Aria has DISOBEYED her, and now SHE WILL PAY!  Or will she?  Because Fitzy just so happens to have heard the WHOLE THING!  And he is not amused by his batsh*t crazy, faux-tanned, ex’s antics.  This discovery prompts Aria to FINALLY come clean about why she dumped Fitzy in the first place, which, in turn, prompts Fitzy to decide that he and Aria should come “out” to her parents, ASAP . . .

Oh, the awkwardness of this moment!  I was squirming in my seat, as Fitzy, looking like a frightened child faced down Aria’s parents.  All he really had to do was tell them that he and Aria were dating now.  Or better yet, a t-shirt might have sufficed . . .

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But noooooo!  Fitzy had to be all honest.  He just HAD to tell Aria’s parents that he LOOOOOOVEED Aria, and that he’d been dating her the WHOLE TIME he was her teacher.  Now, I’m not saying, they would have taken the news better, if it was a bit more edited down, but it certainly would have been worth a shot.

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That said, I was proud of Aria  for having the courage to stand up, walk over to Fitzy, and hold his hand.  It was a nice moment of solidarity between these two.  Plus, I’m pretty sure her brave actions kept poor Fitzy from pooping in his pants . . .

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 Now, we all know how Mama Montgomery reacted, when she thought Fitzy was diddling Spencer.  So, the fact that she took news of her own daughter’s May/December romance with the English teacher badly was no surprise.

But Papa Montgomery?  Mr. I Made Out with a Student Young Enough to Be My Kid in Front of my Own Daughter and Made Her Promise Not to Tell Her Mother?  You would think that he, of all people, would at least pretend to be a bit more understanding . . .

*cough* douchebag *cough* 

Yet, things are about to get worse for Fitzy.  Of course, Daddy Hypocrite promptly kicks him out of the house.   But before he can go, Little Brother Mike dashes down the stairs to give his sister’s not-so-new lover a little parting gift.  I’ll give you a hint.   It’s something that rhymes with “lunch.”

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Sayonara, Poor Man’s Megan Fox Wacky Jackie

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOOOODBYEEEEEE! 

Understandably, Fitzy heads back to Hollis to lick his wounds and get faded on that fancy Scotch he supposedly doesn’t like to drink.  Then, in walks Jackie with her smug face that I want to reach into the screen and pound into a flat pancake . . .

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Apparently, Fitzy feels the same way, because he threatens her with the awesomest one liner to ever emerge from his mouth . . .

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He even manages to add a hint of Crazy Eyes to the line delivery, which just makes the statement all the more awesome.  Suddenly, I have this great image of Fitzy going all Terminator on Wacky Jackie’s ass . . .  Now, that’s an episode I’d want to see . . .

As for Hobag’s now completely useless threats against Aria, Fitzy had these final words to say . . .

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Balls . . . Fitzy has them . . . who knew?

The Return of Dipsh*t Daddy, Evil Kate, and (Slighty Creepy Again,This Week) Abs Toby . . .

Poor Emily . . . she’s got no luck this week.  Here she is FINALLY waiting at the greenhouse to confront A, and NONE of her friends are on time meeting her.  First there’s Aria, who’s grounded for having a teacher boyfriend.  Interestingly enough, she ends up getting a helping hand out of the house, from none-other-than Little Brother Mike, who offers her an escape route, as a way of apologizing for beating up her boyfriend.  Apparently, he only did it, so that his father wouldn’t get a chance.  Way to stick it to the Man, Little Brother Mike . . .

Then Hanna has to meet with her Douchey Daddy, who tells her that he’s moving his whole new family, including that beast of a stepdaughter Kate to Rosewood, in order to punish Hanna for stopping the wedding help the Marins become one big happy family again.  Ugh!  KATE!  I thought we were rid of that evil wench . . .

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Spencer can’t leave, because Toby has accosted her in her home, once again.  Oddly enough, he seems to have taken Emily’s side, in their faux-fight, after the swim match, and is accusing Spencer of turning into Ali.  Woah!  Tobster, comparing a woman to a dead b*tch is not exactly the way to win back her heart!  Just sayin . . .

Spencer pushes past Toby, promising him that she will explain everything, tomorrow, provided he promises to let her go, and not follow her.

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And if you believe he kept his promise, I have a bridge to sell in you in Brooklyn for a dollar . . .

“A” Does Some Gardening with Emily’s Face, Hanna Gets Revenge, and we get a cliffhanger . . . 

Ugh!  I know this was an exciting scene.  And it had a great final payoff.  But this was the part of the episode that frustrated me the most.  You ever watch one of those cartoons, where the super villain has this GREAT opportunity to kill the main protagonist?  But he mucks it up, by taking like FIVE MINUTES to explain his entire master plan, before pulling the trigger?

That’s how I felt about Emily, when she confronted her black-hoodie wearing nemesis in the greenhouse, in the final moments of this episode.  Now, granted, perhaps, she was just stalling, while waiting for the rest of the girls to arrive.  But really, there were so many ways she could have unmasked “A” in this scene.

Annoyance aside, the smug expression on Emily’s face, when she revealed to  A, that she FINALLY got the upper hand on him or her, by getting him or her to come all the way out in the middle of nowhere, just to look inside, what ended up being an empty box, was full of win.  Kudos to Shay Mitchell for an excellent perfomance in this scene.

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And yet, really, did she have to SHOW “A” the box?  Wouldn’t it have made sense for Emily to ask “A” to reveal him or herself, BEFORE giving up the information?  Or, perhaps she could have told “A” to “come and get” the box, and ripped the hood off his or her head, once she got close enough to do it.

Another option would have been to stall, until all the girls got there, and had them all jump out and tackle “A” together, ripping off his or her hoodie, before the villain knew what hit him or her.  Of course, my favorite option, by far would be for the PLL’s to install a camera inside the box, so that it snapped a picture of “A,” once he or she opened it, and sent a picture of the culprit to one of the PLL girl’s cell phones.

But alas, Emily did none of these things.  And this gave “A” the opportunity to ATTACK HER WITH NUMEROUS GARDEN TOOLS, BREAK GLASS OVER HER HEAD, and TRY TO STRANGLE HER . . .

Folks, that’s not good . . .

Luckily, Aria and Spencer arrived just in time to prevent “A” from KILLING Emily.  But they didn’t get their fast enough to catch “A”, before he or she managed to escape the greenhouse on foot.  You know who DID sort-of catch A, though?  HANNA . . . WITH HER CAR!  Seriously, how great is that? (Payback’s a b*tch!)

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Of course, in any normal world, getting hit by a car, while wearing a hood, would cause one’s hood to fall off, thereby revealing the victim’s identity.  But no such luck here, as “A’s” sweatshirt is apparently made of Kryptronite or some other supernatural material that renders it impervious to impact by cars.  Additionally, it is important to note that while Hanna nearly lost HER life from being hit by “A’s” car back in season one, “A” managed to get up and run away, without so much as a scratch on him or her.  Go  figure!

But Hanna’s not all that upset about this.  She just wants to know if any of her pals managed to figure out A’s sex, while fondling the perpetrator in the greenhouse . . .

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Silly Little Liars!  They had “A” right in their clutches, and no one thought to try and get to second base . . . pity!  And yet, there is a silver lining to this cloud.  You see, the impact of Hanna’s car might not have caused “A” to lose his or her hood.  But it did cause “A” to lose a CELL PHONE . . .

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 Uh oh, “A”!  It looks like you really do have something to be afraid of, now . . .

The final moments of the episode, show a rather frantic, and pissed-off “A” looking desperately for his or her cell phone, which we know the girls have already stolen.  He or she then breaks the window to (I think) Hanna’s car, which, honestly, I’m not sure why she left there.  It seems like a particularly boneheaded thing to do, under the circumstances.  But hey, what do I know?

Next week’s Pretty Little Liars’ promises lots of cell phone hacking antics, an in-car smooch, and a whole lot of yelling . . . You can check out the promo here.  (I haven’t managed to find the Canadian promo yet.  But as soon as I do, I will most certainly be sure to share.)

So, what did you think about the Mid Season premiere?  Were you fooled by the girls’ faux fighting?  Are you happy that Caleb is back, and that Ezria is finally out of the closet?  Have any new theories as to who “A” might be, based on the clues we received in this episode?  Oh, and where the hell was Blind Jenna or Mona, during all of this?  And, more importantly . . . WHERE’S MY WREN?

Until next time, my Pretties . . .

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