This week on Once, Storybrooke finally gets a new bar! Snow White gets wasted! Emma becomes that cliché lady who pours her heart out to a bartender! Aladdin and Jasmine learn that sometimes all it takes is a little tongue action to save the world! And Captain Hook delivers a very important message on his shell phone!
It was a busy boozy episode . . . one that featured a giant CGI octopus . . . for about two seconds. So, let’s get on it, shall we?
IT’S TIME TO RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
Too soon?
A Disney Princess, An Evil Queen and a Savior Walk Into a Bar . . .
It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, right? But the Bar Crawl (Can you call it a crawl if it only involves one bar? Is it more of a Bar Sit?) was actually the highlight of this week’s episode . . . for me anyway. For one thing, it only took six seasons, but Storybrooke finally found itself a hangout for its residents that isn’t snoozy Granny’s. So what, if it seems like the only patrons of Aesop’s Tables are fat old ugly Vikings? It has potential dammit.
Because after a few “artisanal” drinks, who knows? Maybe a Viking like this . . .
. . . could end up looking like this . . .
It all starts with Emma finally breaking the news to her dad that her fiancé killed her grandfather. Prince Charming, who, just a few episodes ago was all revengey and murderous ragey, when he thought that old rich guy killed his dad, just seems slightly bummed by the fact that his buddy and soon-to-be-son-in-law did it. This is probably because the writers are SO DONE with this whole Dead Dad storyline, and so am I!
Anyway, Emma’s still kind of sad and broody over the fact that she thinks Hook abandoned her in exchange for living out the rest of eternity on a bluish submarine with Captain Nemo, but apparently not broody enough for Regina. Regina, who is super into therapeutic emoting and “getting in touch with your feelings,” ever since she cured her case of multiple personality disorder this past week, by sending it into another dimension with a guy who looked like her dead boyfriend, decides that getting Emma drunk as a skunk, and enabling her alcoholism, is the healthiest way to deal with her pal’s tendencies toward emotional repression.
So Regina and Snow White trick Emma into hanging out with them at Storybrooke’s new bar(!), Aesop’s Tables. There, Snow White gets so wasted after two sips of alcohol that she picks a fight with a couple of Vikings and makes fun of their silly hats, which is actually kind of racist, I think. She then challenges the dudes to a game of darts . . . probably to make up for the whole being racist thing.
Elsewhere in the bar, Emma pours her heart out to a sexy bartender over Captain Hook’s abrupt departure, while dabbing her dewy eyes on a bar napkin. (Important later.) And just like that! Emma’s Emotional Repression is cured, and for way cheaper than the cost of a session with Jiminey Cricket the Terrible Shrink Who Doesn’t Understand Rules of Patient Confidentiality! And the moral of that story, boys and girls? Alcohol RULES, can solve all your problems, and help you beat Vikings at darts!
Much Adieu About a Kraken
Meanwhile, back on a bluish submarine, Captain Hook can’t get back to Emma’s realm without the blood of a Kraken to help steer the underground ship across portals. Fortunately for Hook, there’s a Kraken just chilling outside the submarine, patiently awaiting its demise for this exact purpose. Unfortunately, for Hook, stupid Aladdin and Jasmine pop up in the water at the worst moment, and scare the Kraken away . . . you know, because Evil CGI Octupuses (Octupi?) are super frightened of unarmed folks in row boats.
Then, the writers remember that they never resolved Jasmine’s and Aladdin’s storyline about saving the kingdom of Agrabah from about a year ago, so Hook reluctantly invites the couple onto the bluish submarine with him, even though it’s totally not his submarine. Hook is absolutely that friend of yours who you let crash at your place for a few days, only to come home from work to find that he’s eaten all your Lean Pockets, used up all your toilet paper, and invited 12 of his closest friends to watch the Lakers game on your couch.
Apparently, Jasmine and Aladdin have spent an entire year wandering around a forest aimlessly looking for a lost kingdom. What’s worse, all this time, these two incredibly hot people never once decided to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. They haven’t even so much as kissed!
Seriously? I know monks who are less chaste than this. No, really, some of my best friends are monks, and they can be pretty randy, when they want to be . . .
I Got The World on a String Ring . . .
Through a flashback, we learn that (1) Jasmine and Ariel are pals, who gossip about boys, and occasionally ride one another’s magic carpets, and (2) Jafar once tricked Jasmine into agreeing to marry him, so he could hide her entire kingdom inside a wedding ring, for no other reason than that he’s evil, and hates people.
I feel you, Jafar. People are the worst! They can all go hide in rings for eternity, as far as I’m concerned!
Back on the bluish submarine, the ship appears to be taking on water, thus forcing Hook, Jasmine, Aladdin, Nemo and the rest of the crew to abandon it, by using Aladdin’s temporary status as genie to “wish” all of them to a nearby island, so they don’t, you know, like, drown and stuff.
This island just so happens to be the place where Jafar is currently hanging out. We know this because the bluish submarine has a sort of GPS on it that locates Man Pain, and there’s no Man Pain like a Disney Villain Man Pain.
Also, conveniently, this is the island where Ariel and Prince Eric live in a shack decorated by Ariel’s obvious hoarder problem (She’s got gadgets and gizmos of plenty, whositz and whatsits galore. You want thingamabobs, she’s got twenty!) Quite a step down from the palace where you used to live, huh Prince Eric?
Anyway, amongst all her scary hoarder items, Ariel actually has something useful: Red powder that can turn Disney villains into creepy walking canes! OK, kind of random, but definitely something Captain Hook should consider taking back to Storybrooke in a doggie bag for future use . . . I, for one, can think of a lot of annoying Once characters, I’d like to see turned into creepy walking canes!
Armed with the knowledge that she’s literally just one sneeze away from vanquishing her greatest nemesis, Jasmine finally defeats Jafar!
But wait, what about the whole “kingdom stuck in a ring” thing, and the whole, “my boyfriend’s my genie slave” thing. Well, apparently, all Jasmine had to do this whole time to solve both of these problems was stick her tongue down Aladdin’s throat! So, True Love’s Kiss resolves this entire year-long storyline that nobody really cared about in the first place, in literally two seconds.
The moral of this story? Chastity is for suckers, so make out with hot men (or women) in the woods, whenever you get the chance. You just might be saving the world from eternal ruin by doing so!
Speaking of eternal ruin . . .
You Used to Call Me on My Shell Phone . . .
Now stuck in the no-longer-encased-in-a-ring Agrabah, but still unable to get in touch with Emma, Hook finally encounters a stroke of luck when hoarder Ariel presents him with another surprisingly useful item: a shell phone. “I have a phone just like this at home,” exclaims Hook. (That’s not even a joke. He actually utters this cheesy line!)
Hook uses the shell phone to connect with Emma, and tell her that he didn’t really dump her ass. He just got trapped on a bluish submarine by the guy who is trying to murder her, and almost eaten by a CGI Octopus. Well, isn’t that a relief!
Speaking of the guy trying to murder Emma, “Aesop the bartender” pops by Emma’s house late at night to reveal that he’s actually Douchebag Gideon, son of Rumplestiltskin and would-be-murderer of Emma. As it turns out, Gideon posed as the bartender and made Emma think that Hook abandoned her, just so he could make Emma cry, collect her tears, and use them to close off portals to other worlds, like the one Hook would need to get back home.
(Did you know Savior Tears close portals? Neither did I. Neither did the writers, I presume, until about five seconds before writing this episode.)
Do they have to be real tears? Would artificial tears work just as well?
Apparently, Gideon doesn’t want to murder Emma anymore. (Because the whole “Emma is fated to die” plot is SO last week!) What he really wants is to blackmail Emma into helping him kill the Black Fairy, by using her now-trapped-in Agrabah fiancé as leverage.
Really Gideon? She’s the Friggin Savior! Killing villains is kind of her thing! You moved a submarine across dimensions, then created an entire bar (which was cool) and a whole new sexy face (which was weird and random) to get Emma to do your bidding, when, really, all you had to do was ask . . . (or shove your tongue down someone’s throat . . . or throw red powder onto someone and turn them into a walking cane . . . because those are all ways to solve problems on this show that are easier than what you did.)
Seriously? What’s up with the hats? Don’t they constantly fall off and into your face, when you are trying to steer? Do a family of parrots live in them?
Take a break from biting the heads off the chocolate bunnies in your Easter Basket to come on a high seas journey, where the water is always choppy, everyone smells like mildew, and no one knows how to steer. But hey, we’ve got brothers with dorky hats and Irish accents. Totally worth the seasickness / possible death by drowning, right?
Happy Easter, Oncers! This week’s installment of Once is all about that special bond that exists between siblings. Brothers . . . can’t live with them, can’t watch them fall feet first into the depths of Hell, while they are still wondering whether you are mad at them for committing mass murder.
So slap on some seriously waterproof guyliner, and pray that your sea legs are working, because this is the wettest episode of Once since that one about Ursula . . .
A Skeleton Crew
Before he had a Hook for a hand and love in his heart for a spunky blonde named Emma Swan, Captain Hook was just a young ship drudge with a funny looking pony tail, a penchant for drinking and gambling, and an older brother he idolized.
Hook’s big bro, Liam, at least initially, seems like an OK enough guy, if maybe a bit snoozy. He keeps trying to save up enough money to pave the way for he and Hook to get passage off the ship of the douchebag for whom they currently work. But Hook keeps pissing away the money on booze and gambling (probably prostitutes too, but the writers won’t tell us that, because this is a family show.)
Imagine the kind of things Christian Grey would do with a Hook for a hand . . .
Just when it seems like the brothers Jones are doomed to spend their lives scraping fish guts off the floor for a living, their douchebag boss goes and does this really stupid thing, where he steers their ship into a really bad hurricane, in the hopes that doing so, will help him find this funny looking blue rock that kind of reminds me of what I imagine hairballs coughed up by Grover from Sesame Street would look like.
Apparently, Grover’s Hairball is called The Eye of the Storm, and it’s like, super expensive, or something?
Now, before you say that it is unrealistic to think that people would pay a lot of money to wear Grover’s Hairball as a necklace with matching pair of earrings, remember that we live in a world where people pay hundreds of dollars to drink coffee made from cat poop.
The normally docile, Liam is positively appalled that Douchebag Boss is sending his crew into certain death for the regurgitated fur of a Sesame Street character. He is so, appalled, in fact, that he does something his boring ass would otherwise never do in a million years, otherwise. He stages a mutiny.
Then he proceeds to lead this same crew into the exact same hurricane and the exact same certain death Douchebag Boss did. The only difference is that Liam actually succeeds in killing all of them, (except for his brother), and all so that he can keep Grover’s Hairball all to himself . . .
Allow me to backtrack a bit . . . you see, right when Liam is about to save his new crew, Hades appears on the boat. And this, you have to admit, is kind of weird. I mean, how does Hades always know when someone is on the precipice of making a terrible life choice. Is he like one of those people from the State Farm Insurance Commercials?
Like a Good Neighbor, Hades is there! (In Hell . . . shoving a poker up your ass!)
Hades knows that Liam wants, more than anything in the world, to captain his own ship (and wear a funny-looking hat that is home to a family of parrots) with his sexy drunkard brother boozing it up by his side. So, Hades offers Liam a deal: sink this boat, murder everyone on this ship except for your brother, and I’ll give you Grover’s Hairball, so you can use it to captain your own ship.
Well, that sounds like a great deal . . . if you are a terrible human being!
Needless to say, Liam takes the deal. And the next thing you know, all his pesky former crew mates and his Douchebag Boss are dead, and he and Hook are on the way to wearing the funny-looking hats they love so much, thanks to Hades, and, of course, Grover’s Hairball.
You’re welcome!
Liam, of course, tells his little brother nothing of his dastardly deeds. And this means that when Liam dies, Hook is still under the glaring misconception that his big brother is the bee’s knees (when, in fact, he’s the bee’s butthole).
My Brother’s Keeper
Back in present day, Emma is trying to seduce Hook, by magicking away all those ugly zombie wounds he’s been sporting on his face this season. Unfortunately, he’s not that into it. (I guess being mauled by a three-headed dog is not so great for your sex drive.)
Whatever the female equivalent of this is, Emma has it right now . . .
Then, Hook’s brother, Liam, pops by to say hello, and proceeds to take a big giant dump on his and Emma’s relationship. (In Liam’s defense, the closest he’s ever come to a real romantic relationship, was that one time when he made out with Grover’s Hairball, following a long, lonely day at sea.)
“You aren’t good enough for my brother, Hook. Because you turned him into The Dark One, rather than letting him die a hero. And if he died a hero, he’d be in Heaven, right now,” Liam explains. “Also an entire hoard of teens would stop watching the show, because the sexy pirate would be gone.”
When Emma confronts Hook about this, the leather pant wearing stud tells Emma that he is not going back to Earth with Emma, after they defeat Hades. Instead, he’s going to stay in Almost-Hell with his brother. Wow, it looks like someone needs a little blue pill to stave off his Big Libido Problem. Where’s Grover’s Hairball when you need it, and does it come in chewable form?
Devastated, Emma heads to Grannys to see Regina, who is 100% the girlfriend to whom you want to turn if you need Tough Love and for someone to tell you that, yes, those pants do make you look fat, and, no you would never make it past the first round on American Idol. Regina scoffs at the notion that Hook would be too good for someone nicknamed “The Savior.” Nonetheless, she offers her once frenemy, now the potential object of her secret lust (maybe, if this show was on HBO or Showtime), some invaluable advice. “You want Hook to start porking you again, convince him to forgive himself for that half an episode where he acted super evil, and wore even more dark eyeliner than usual!”
In other brotherly news, Prince Charming is forced to masquerade as his eviler (translation: sexier) brother James, in order to hide the fact that he’s been snooping around the latter’s workplace. This results in the Prince having to suck some serious face with Cruella De’Vil (who apparently is dating James?, in order to avoid getting caught. (Hmmm . . . wonder if the two of them do it Doggy Style? Get it “doggy style,” because Cruella . . . nevermind.)
Alas, before things get to the M for Mature rated Fanfiction level of random television character sex matchups, Cruella reveals that she knew it was Charming all along. She also lets slip that James has always been jealous of Charming, because their mother chose to let Charming live with her, be poor, and sleep in sheep poo, while she sent James off to be a rich and famous prince / dragon slayer.
Kids can be so ungrateful sometimes . . .
Pride Goeth Before a Fall
While in the forest searching for the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better, Henry comes across The Sorcerer’s Apprentice aka Dirty Homeless Mickey (Obviously, he’s in the forest because he’s homeless. He also probably eats bugs, and uses leaves for toilet paper.)
Dirty Homeless Mickey says his Unfinished Business is that he died before he got to boss around a teenager as much as he’d like, which is pretty much the most pathetic unfinished business since “Never got to touch Grover’s Hairball.” Dirty Homeless Mickey tells Henry that he can find the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better in the Underworld Version of the Sorcerer’s House, but he totally shouldn’t use it, because if he does, Dirty Homeless Mickey will be doomed to Hell for all Eternity.
(That’s pretty much like telling someone “Don’t touch this red button, or you will get a million dollars every week for the rest of your life, and also the ability to eat all the chocolate you want without ever getting fat.”)
Henry, who totally plans to find and use the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better to un-murder Cruella, and screw over Dirty Homeless Mickey, doesn’t initially tell his family about the Pen’s Existence. He does, however, tell them that that the Sorcerer’s House probably has a Storybook in it (with only pictures and no words, so all the characters can understand it), which will probably inform them of Hades’ origin story / weakness, so they can defeat him.
While the rest of the family is distracted searching for the Book with No Words, Henry uses a little reverse psychology on his moms to get some alone time to run around the house to find the Magic Pen That Will Make Stuff Better.
Meanwhile, after being threatened by Hades that if he doesn’t destroy the pictures of Hades’ Deep Dark Secrets in the Book without Words, he’ll tell Hook about that one time in Ship Camp, when Liam killed all those dudes for a hairball, Liam betrays the Oncers, by destroying all the pages containing pictures of Hades, as instructed.
But then, Emma catches Liam in the act, and confronts him about it, all because Liam didn’t wash his hands after ripping the pages out of the book, and now has ink all over them. Eventually, Hook finds out about Liam’s lie. Also now in the know about Liam’s dirty fingers? The entire crew of men Liam killed, Douchebag Boss included, who all just so happen to be in the Underworld too!
And the moral of this story? Always wash your hands thoroughly after the commission of petty crimes, also before making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Anywhoo, Liam’s crew pushes him to the edges of Hell and wants him to “walk the plank” into it. But then Hades saves him, and forces Douchebag Boss to go to hell instead, which, let’s face it, was probably where he belonged in the first place.
Then, Hades screws up, by threatening to, once again, send Hook to Hell. Obviously, Liam, wracked with guilt over his past misdeeds, is not going to let his little brother die due to his mistakes. And so, he sacrifices himself for his brother, earning his forgiveness just moments before he falls into oblivion . . . onto a really small boat . . . bound for Heaven, which is now where he belongs, because his unfinished business with his baby bro is now finished.
The bad news is that he’s got to ride there with all those people he killed, whose unfinished business was not knowing who was responsible for their deaths. Now they know . . .awkward. Also, the boat has no bathroom, so hopefully the water way trip to Heaven from the underworld is super short.
After making amends with his brother, Hook decides to forgive himself for the fifteen minutes of an episode where he was The Dark One, wore extra guyliner, and acted like a HUGE ASSHOLE. He then reunites with Emma, and tells her that he’s totally worth going to Hell for. (Real modest, that one!) He also agrees to return with Emma to Earth after they defeat Hades.
Then, the pair go upstairs and have amazing sex, because, apparently, seeing your big brother ride on a very small boat to Heaven with a bunch of guys who hate his guts is an excellent aphrodisiac.
Operation: Write Stuff Down
In other news, Henry found his Magic Pen that Makes Stuff Better!
Originally, he was going to use it to doom Homeless Mickey to Hell for All Eternity, but after having a nice little heart-to-heart with his grandpa, he decides to use it to just write stuff down about Hades, in order to defeat him . . . Stuff, which no one will read, because the entire cast is illiterate and only understands picture books.
I for one think the former option would have been the better one. Then again, maybe I just have a thing against dirty homeless Mickey’s. They were constantly stealing my mouse ears, back when I was a kid.
Elsewhere in the underworld, Hades retrieves the supposedly destroyed by Liam pages of the picture book with no words, containing all his Deep Dark Secrets, and stares moonily and a particular drawing of him just inches away from sucking face with the Wicked Witch of the West. Weird . . .
Then again, maybe he just really liked her hat . . .
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These are the five stages of grief. And they were all on display, during this Very Special Episode of The Vampire Diaries . . . each with their own supernatural twists, of course.
So, break out your hankies, Fangbangers! Because this one is going to be a tearjerker . . .
(Oh, and please don’t forget to checkout my informal tribute to Jeremy Gilbert in Part 1 of this recap! JerBear needs your support today!)
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the kickass screencaps you see here. He claims he’s going to not read this recap in protest of it’s inevitably schmaltzy content. But we don’t actually believe him, do we? :)]
Poor guy! Dumped unceremoniously on the floor, while Katherine escaped to lord knows where . . .
. . . and “Silas” sauntered off to literally “put on his new face.”
A body like that deserves better . . . Ugly, decrepit, thousand plus year old Silas got his own entire tomb. Sexy Jer Bear should have at least gotten a small mausoleum, complete with a life-sized marble statute etched in his likeness . . . kind of like Michaelangelo’s David . . . except maybe not as tall . . .
She carries him all the way home from Nova Scotia swaddled in a blanket, like a baby.
“That’s not a casserole!”
Trust me, if Jeremy was alive to see that, he would have hated it. But Elena can’t help but baby Jeremy. He’ll always be her little brother, no matter how old or supernaturally buff he gets. Besides, he’s not really dead . . . just taking a supernatural ring-induced nap . . . right? RIGHT?
Damon stays back in Nova Scotia to find the still-missing Bonnie, and break the bad news about the cure to Rebekah. This leaves Stefan and Caroline to deal with Elena, and pass one another “She’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” looks, as Elena straddles the dead guy in his bed, and cups his ringed hand in her own, like she’s about to propose marriage. Jeremy would have hated that too!
Morbid as these scenes were, I have to laugh when Stefan tries to prevent Elena’s vampire ears from hearing him talk about her to Caroline by . . . TURNING ON THE SINK. Is this guy for real? This is even more ridiculous than his TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE last week to prevent Klaus from overhearing him.
I am proud of Elena for putting those two in their places.
She isn’t going nuts.
She has good reason to believe Jeremy is still alive . . . sort of. After all, this isn’t exactly the first time Jeremy Gilbert has laid lifeless on his bed . . . In fact, it’s probably the fourth or fifth.
And besides, JerBear lost his manly tattoos in the caves! That should make him human again, right? And humans wear rings of immortality that actually work, in this world . . . even if wearing them eventually turns their minds to mush. (Sorry Alaric.)
Elsewhere, in Denial Town, Caroline is hoping that a nice casserole will make everything better. Stefan is finally coming to grips with the fact that his ex-girlfriend might just wind up remaining a vampire bonded to Damon for all eternity. As for Damon, he’s in the forest, trying to convince himself he stayed behind just to find Bonnie . . . not not because he dreads having to face an utterly bereft Elena, and fears that he won’t be able to take away her pain.
But then poor Jer’s body starts getting grey and stinky. And for a girl with a vampire nose to avoid that, her denial has to not only exist, but be pretty darn deep. Is there a doctor in the house?
Anger
“NO! It’s NOT science. Where was science when you used vampire blood to save my life?”
Someone calls Doctor Meredith, who has to perform double duty as a coroner / undertaker, when she tries to convince Elena to “release the body to her.” (Shouldn’t she be wearing gloves, a lab coat . . . a surgical mask . . . something? Talk about unsanitary.)
Meri-DEATH drops a medical text book babble-filled truth bomb on Elena.
“Blah, blah, blah, bloodloss, bloating, blah, blah, blah . . . lividity . . . YOUR BROTHER IS A CORPSE! GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!”
“NEVERRRRRR! DIE, PUNY HUMAN!”
And honestly, I can’t blame the newbie vamp for going full on Mean Girls rage fest on her ass. . .
After all, when has TVD given two licks about SCIENCE? Never!
“I like science!”
NOBODY CARES, SHANE!
This is a world where Mythological “Rules” are made to be broken, and science just plain doesn’t exist . . . (which likely explains why the students at Mystic Falls High only seem to attend classes in history and gym). Meredith, herself, probably had to get shipped off to Nova Scotia just to attend Med School.
Stefan immediately leaps into Hero Mode, in order to prevent Elena from murdering his wife The Only Doctor / Coroner / Undertaker / Supernatural Shrink in Mystic Falls. But he need not worry. All it takes is for Matt Donovan to pop by with his Cry Face, and Elena melts into a warm puddle of goo . . . as do we all . . .
Elsewhere in Anger Town, “Shane” breaks the news to Bonnie that JerBear has taken off his shirt for her for the very last time. Girlfriend is so pissed that her hookup prospects have just been limited to . . . that guy who’s sort of/ kind of her brother, that she starts to burn down the ENTIRE FOREST WITH HER MIND! Smokey the Bear would definitely not approve . . .
At this point, part of me was REALLY hoping that Bonnie would turn into the Lost smoke Monster and eat “Shane” ass . . .
But alas, it was not to be . . .
Also angry? Perpetually Cockblocked Damon! Damn that Stupid Bond for making him feel perpetually guilty about getting laid by the woman he’s loved for our seasons! He’d like to KILL that sire bond, if he could. But he can’t. So, instead, he uses Rebekah as a human shield to block the arrow heading for his heart. He then beats that Vampire Hunter Vaughn Guy, within in an inch of his life.
By the way, I’m still trying to figure out what that guy’s purpose on the show is exactly. Has JerBear’s death and Tyler’s “disappearance” left an opening for Window Dressing on the TVD Casting Roster? If so, why is Vaughn always wearing so much clothes?
Bargaining
“I’ll do whatever it takes.”
Bonnie . . . Bonnie . . . Bonnie. Everybody needs Bonnie. She’s been the magical answer to seemingly every supernatural kerfuffle into which the gang has got itself embroiled in the past. Why not this one too?
The problem, of course, is that Bonnie doesn’t want to be found. She wants to curl up into a ball and die, thank you very much. So, “Shane” has to take drastic measures. He has to get his eyes all wide and buggy, and mesmerize Bonnie into believing she could bring JerBear and his hot bod back to life.
When that doesn’t work, he literally brings back the dead . . . albeit temporarily. Suddenly, JerBear is on the floor asking Bonnie for help. Nevermind that he is actually back in Mystic Falls stinking up the Gilbert house . . .
Bonnie doesn’t question it. She’s still enamored with the memories of her hand running across that delicate firmly muscled skin. She’ll do whatever it takes to get that body back. Fortunately, “Shane” has the solution. Bringing JerBear back to the world of the living? It’s easy. All you have to do is murder twelve innocent humans. No biggie!
Just when Damon is about to return home Bonnie-less, the intrepid witch literally runs right into his arms. Bonnie and Damon hugging? Without trying to strangle one another, in the process? Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us!
Speaking of the apocalypse, since when did “Silas” become Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects? From the character’s mythological “too bad to be true” beginnings, to his masquerading as that doofus nerd, Professor Dumpy Dork . . . They even had the temporarily incapacitated Vaughn borrow a line straight from that iconic film, when he was warning Rebekah about the big bad’s inevitable escape. “How do you run from the Devil, if you don’t even know what he looks like?”
Yeah, I don’t know about you. But I wasn’t all that shocked when the soon-to-be-dead Shane revealed that Silas had somehow assumed his form, in order to wreak havoc on Mystic Falls.
“Anybody have a toothbrush I could borrow?”
I was only surprised he didn’t do it sooner. That said, I have to say that”Shane” is much sexier as Evil Silas, than he ever was as that annoying, boring mythology spewing, Professor Dumpy Dork. So, there might be hope for this character yet . . .
“You like me? You really like me?”
Meanwhile back home, Matt brings Elena to school, to show her that it’s OK to still have hope for her brother’s survival. And why not? School is a pretty hopeful place for the Scooby Gang.
“So this is what our high school looks like. I forgot!”
Think about it. They haven’t been there for months, and yet no one has ever been expelled!
It kind of makes me wonder what the writers are going to do with the inevitable “college” transition for this group. I mean, these guys are seniors, right? Have they even applied to colleges at this point? Have they taken their SATs? I guess the crew is counting on compelling the admissions officers of the colleges of their choice. Otherwise, I sincerely hope that Mystic Falls has its own community college . . .
Tyler: “I’m a Phoenix!”
Caroline: “No you aren’t, Loser. You’re a hybrid.”
Tyler: “No, I mean the online colle . . . never mind.”
Anywhoo, Damon brings Bonnie back home, and she explains Silas’ Wackadoo Plan. Crazy TVD Mythology Alert!
So, here’s the deal . . . Bonnie’s Desperate Loony Ancestor apparently somehow created this separate purgatory for all dead supernatural beings, all so that, when immortal Silas took The Cure and died, his Vampire/Witch self would be separated from his human beloved forever. But if Bonnie murders 12 humans, that Other Side will somehow cease to exist. This means that all currently dead Supernaturals come back to life, and all soon-to-be dead supernaturals, like Silas, can go to Heaven (or Hell) just like their human counterparts.
Sounds great, right? Except for the fact that some of these supernaturals are SERIOUSLY BAD DUDES . . . folks like the Hidey Hole Vamps, Esther, Mikael, Kol, and those hot Vampire Hunters from the Original Five to name a few . . . folks that the Scooby Gang REALLY doesn’t want to see come back to life. Let’s not forget the fact that doing this involves KILLING MORE PEOPLE.
Aside from that, I’m pretty sure Silas/ Shane is full of sh*t. I don’t think he has any plans for bringing these people back as anything but evil zombies, primed to do his bidding . . . but that’s just me . . .
Except, maybe it’s not just me. Because while Bonnie is spitting her Silas-imbibed Crazy Juice all over the Gilbert Kitchen table, Elena is getting this look on her face. It’s a look of understanding . . . of realization . . . of knowledge . . . of . . .
“There is nothing here for me anymore, Stefan. Every inch of this house is filled with my love for people who have died.”
April calls looking for Jeremy, and Elena admits that he can’t come to the phone. . . because he’s dead. She admits it to April, at the same time that she admits it to herself. There is no more denial. No more anger. No more bargaining. All that is left is the stench of death, rising from Jeremy’s bed . . . and depression.
As the rest of the Scooby Gang looks on in horror, Elena impulsively drowns the house in kerosene. She tosses Jeremy’s sketches, and his X-box on the floor, along with the dearly departed Alaric’s bourbon. She gives Damon Jeremy’s immortality ring (a foreshadowing to Damon’s eventual inadvertent transformation back into a human?).
She’s scaring Caroline, who has made a vampire career in Keeping up Appearances . . . who hasn’t been able to reach Tyler to tell him what is going on, and who is being eaten up inside by grief, guilt, and concern for her friend.
Outside in his car, Matt has just dropped Wackadoo Bonnie at home, and has finally allowed himself to experience the loss he has been holding at bay for Elena’s benefit. His wrenching release of emotion is arguably more heartbreaking than anything we’ve experienced throughout this entire emotional episode . . .
Back in the Gilbert’s house, Elena is inconsolable. She’s screaming and crying. She’s in pain. Suddenly, it’s as if all the familial losses of the past three seasons, that she’s kept at bay, in order to soldier on, have suddenly revisited themselves upon her, with a vengeance.
It’s one of the curses of being immortal. You are doomed to watch the people you love die, over and over again. And you can never join them. It’s something Stefan and Damon have inevitably had to cope with in their long lives.
But Elena is not 165. She is only 18. And she has already lost more loved ones than she can count on her fingertips. She’s not sure she’ll be able to survive this . . . and, quite, honestly, neither are her friends.
I’ve actually given this a lot of thought. I’ve tried to determine whether Damon had any other options available to him, to help Elena, aside from doing what he ultimately did. Had he done nothing, but comforted her, and allowed her to cry on his shoulder, would she have eventually soldiered on? Or would she have become so bereft that she ultimately took her own life, by meeting the sun?
In terms of evoking the sire bond, was there some other command Damon could have given, aside from the one he ultimately gave to ease her pain? My first thought was that he could have told her to simply substitute her sadness for feelings of hope and comfort. But I suspect that would not have worked. After all, though rooted in love, the sire bond actually only effects actions, and cannot be used to CHANGE emotions, in and of, itself.
A more practicable solution would have been for Damon to tell Elena to FORGET . . . FORGET that Jeremy had died. . . FORGET all the loss she experienced. Heck, he could even tell her to believe that Jeremy had stayed in Denver. And she would have believed it, if she thought that believing that would have made him happy.
But would that have been a better solution, or an even more inhumane one?
So, Damon did what I believe he truly felt was his only option. He told Elena to turn off her humanity, and her emotions, even if it meant that her love for him would cease to exist. He did it to spare her pain . . . possibly to save her life. He did it to give her the gift of . . .
Outside, for their very last Porch Scene, Damon and Stefan come to, if not necessarily a truce, at least an understanding of one another. Damon explains to Stefan why what he did for Elena was the only possible solution in his eyes.
Damon assumes he will eventually be able to use the sire bond to bring back Elena’s humanity, when the time is right. But, honestly, I’m not so sure. If the sire bond is seeped in Elena’s preexisting love for Damon, what happens when she no longer feels that love. Will he still have the same hold on her? That remains to be seen.
Anywhoo, the loss of Jeremy, in a weird way, brings these two brothers together, who, despite their differences, are grateful to still have one another, even after all these years . . .
Inside, Elena gives her brother one last look, before coldly lighting the match that will ultimately incinerate her childhood home. In telling Elena to reconsider her decision, Stefan is appealing to a humanity that Elena no longer has. She answers dispassionately.
What a waste of good artwork!
A home fire is the best excuse for Jeremy’s untimely demise. So what if April Young, who was told Jeremy was dead hours ago, asks questions? She could always be terminated . . .
In the final moments of the episode, Damon, Stefan and Elena leave the Gilbert House in a Slo Mo sequence that manages to be both Bad Ass and Utterly Depressing at the same time . . .
It’s kind of like watching the opening scene to Reservoir Dogs over again . . . after you’ve seen it before, and know that pretty much everyone is going to die . . .
Back inside the Gilbert household, Jeremy burns to a crisp, along with his drawings, his sneakers, his X-Box, and let’s not forget Elena’s diary. Don’t fret, JerBear. Other Side or No Other Side, you can rest assured you are going to get laid like a champ in the Great Beyond . . . Dead or alive that body of yours is just too good to resist!
Next week on TVD, Evil Elena eats some cheerleaders, joins a nudist colony, and engages in a foursome with Stefan, Damon, and Caroline. In other words, “Bring it On” is going to be the best fanfiction ever written!
Greetings, Fangbangers! It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD. And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love, honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity, freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl. She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. And that girl, of course, was . . . Elena Gilbert. Isn’ it always?
So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games TVD-cap . . .
The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear. Hmmm . . . that teddy bear looks very familiar. Where have I seen it before?
Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉 Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely. And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.
“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’
Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone. And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie! We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.
“No more phone sex for you, Buster! (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)”
Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?
Nahh . . . I didn’t think so . . .
Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).
“Oh hey, Elena! You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”
Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities. She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around. Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap. Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .
But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood. Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.
She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies. As it turns out? Not so much . .
“There’s more where she came from!”
You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena? Stefan.
(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice. And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)
At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*
The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”
Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever . . .
As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done. “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.
But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.” It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature. So, instead of high fiving, Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.
(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement. Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)
Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.
What? Elena? Ruin plans? NEVER!
Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .
Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house. So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense. Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet. To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.
Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .
Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly? But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet. He still has THIS to say . . .
I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor. TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes . . . 😉
With Kol and Klaus out of the house, Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual . . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats. Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this. Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.
Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face. (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.) So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .
Tales of a Vampire Gigolo
Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women. You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . . Well played, Damon. When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls. You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .
Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell. But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.
That’s better!
Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch to kill all her kids that very night. Ruh-roh! Talk about burying the lead!
Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath. I disagree. And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .
“Are you there, Elena? It’s me, Elijah!”
Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane. (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?) As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time. They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.
This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat. But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.” and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”
“That’s not going to work!”
It works like a charm!
The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering, quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands. She confesses everything. “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.
“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.
One word: HOT!
The battle lines are drawn
While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing. He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted. (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . . perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)
The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another. Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉
Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer. (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.) Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point. His lady love is missing. And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family. She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna. Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch. It’s all highly unpleasant. But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.
“Just nod and smile, baby. Just nod and smile.”
Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing. What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms. After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her. The plan? Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests. Anything for Elena! (Man, how many times has THIS happpened! For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)
Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern. Hurry up, Salvatores! Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!
Speaking of balls . . .
The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist
The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one. Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark. Caroline, of course, gets Klaus. But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls. Though, I guess the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.
Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie. “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.
First his teeth, now his liver. I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.” Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)
This is Kol . . .
When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely. *insert whipping sound*
But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark. In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:
Back in the bar, Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie. (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.) So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. It’s like a game of Clue!
All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead . . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache. But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger. Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt. So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.
A scuffle ensues, and Kol is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals. Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head. He probably would have gotten much worse. But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand. i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.
The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .
Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .
Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt. The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it, while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals. (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.) Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .
Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.” Neither one wants to do it.
But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts. They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse. We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.
Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans. But really, the Originals should be expecting this. After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once. The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores. Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?
Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena. But then, in a surprise move, Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.
In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing. “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.
Oh, silly Original Mother? Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches? I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon . . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.
Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air. But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?
The Aftermath . . .
Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend. (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!) Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship. She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold. So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses. How sweet!
Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire. (Grams would have hated that!) And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result. (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)
Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . .
Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too. Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉
“What are you wearing?”
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss. There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena. On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying. On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”
Now, with this, I agree. Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original. Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive. And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.
Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge. He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return. But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with, in the first place. And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .
At least, I hope so . . .
In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake. Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her. Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion. How adorable! Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .
Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse. There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually. So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂 He’s still super pretty though!
Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist. This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .
In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons. “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.
Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer. But that would just be too easy. As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time. That remains to be seen. But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .
Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .
But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?
And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉
Greetings, Upper East Siders! Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!
That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit. So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?
Well, hello there 2007. We’ve missed you!
One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history. GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .
Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days. Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it. And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.
This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .
As for Donut Dan? Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007. Does that count? (Speaking of the Donut, did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?” Well said, Georgina!)
Puffs Plus!
The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.
“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses. (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)
Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .
. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . . . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it. Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair. He wants to give her DVDs to watch.
Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch. Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower. Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already. And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .
Don’t let it go to your head . . .
Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever. He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever. (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.) “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.
When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her. She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride. Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl. Hugging commences.
Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans. Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog. (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth. How fitting!) Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her. Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .
This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .
She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day! But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it. (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it. But you catch my drift.)
After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer. Ummmm . . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you? It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.
Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper. Oooooh, BURN!
But, worry not! Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse. As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school. This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal. It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!
A Date with Donut-y Destiny!
Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg . . . thing).
Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts. “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully. (Ah, memories!)
This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup. Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news. “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.
(OK, he’s cute and all. But where the heck did this guy come from? And doesn’t he have a job? What exactly do these two do for money? The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)
Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today. I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet. Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.
Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?), Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater. (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.) Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way. . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.
Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another. Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.
I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .
Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else. But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.
Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware. And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.” If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry is a BAD IDEA! But Serena isn’t quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.
Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.” “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.
Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!
And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .
Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she? So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.
And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself. (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!) By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there. Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion. After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!
My Bloody Valentine . . .
While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1. (Still fits!) As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit. Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels. (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)
As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass. *sigh* Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck. Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.
But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .
Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him. Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary. Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .
Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there. (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!) Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers. So, you never know . . .
“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit . . .”
What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes. AWKWARD! It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.” Poor Lola. She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.
“I swear I showered today!”
And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball. This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”
Ruh-roh! Someone’s just been busted. Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .
“I’m so much better at being me, than you are. So, suck it, b*tch!”
Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .
Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school. She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice. So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .
Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress. He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.
“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”
Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering. So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year. In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.
Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B. Well, that’s gotta be confusing? Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests? Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him. More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.
While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl. It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .
GG: Kiss her.
Donut: NO!
GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.
But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room. (Seriously, Georgina? Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate? What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)
SERIOUSLY!
I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room. Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl? Or Monkey?
Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback? Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place. “You’re Gossip Girl? He asks, incredulously.
Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself. First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.” Talk about an identity crisis!
Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos. Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”
Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?” Really, Blair . . . really? Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena? This goes beyond simply cock blocking. This is cock-TYING. And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .
“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut. “Tell me what would make you happy.”
“Why your tongue down my throat! That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.
Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .
The kiss . . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy! That was an offer for existential conversation, not a tongue bath.
You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over. It’s quite amusing. I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible. Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.
But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.
I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.
This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot. And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?
It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .
Yet we don’t always think before we tongue . And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut. It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss. Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss. Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.
Whatever the reason, it happened. And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .
Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it. In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement. Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut. But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D. And, honestly, who can blame her?
. . . who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon. Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.
“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.”
But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!
Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot? Hey, maybe she’s a robot too! It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .
In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business. (Well, duh!) She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen. (Double duh!)
Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from. (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .). In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her. Oh, the plot thickens . . .
Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!
Greetings, my Pretties! Oh, rainy days! They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.
Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface. It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .
Remember Paige? Nobody else does . . .
This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .
But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .
“Well, hello there! My name is Ian. I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile! Don’t mind me. I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”
When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone. This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor. What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)
HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross. Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”
SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”
The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now. “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.
Poor girl! Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .
The video then rough cuts to later that night. Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna. Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.
Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party! WTF man?”
Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance. What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership. As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .
“MWAH-HAHAHA!”
Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking. They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .
“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”
Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .
Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that. I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility. Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .
. . . or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .
“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”
So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?
Well, apparently “A” does too. Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera. That made “A” angry. And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .
“Hey Spence . . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all. But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that? I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”
Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .
“This truck is a real chick magnet.”
Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck. This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .
She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny. Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars. Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .
“What? Why are you looking at me, like that? Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”
In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .
“Pretty please, can I see her? I’ve recently showered and everything!”
Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him. So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .
Everybody Loves a Beard . . .
“Me? Gay? Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”
Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey! That rhymed!) Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection. But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .
HANNA: *pouts* “Oh! Aria is so lucky. I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”
EMILY: *clears throat loudly*
The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria. You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .
To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening. Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans. But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .
“Well, hello there, little lady. Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”
Be Afraid, Caleb . . . Be VERY Afraid . . .
“Sure! I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”
Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you? Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .
“Ahhh, yes. The camera loves me. Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”
Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working. Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat. Did he know what Caleb was doing? Probably . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all. After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .
It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .
. . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .
As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue. This time, that person is Hanna. The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT? Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day. (There I go, rhyming again . . .)
DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”
Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special. And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .
(Side note: Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died. And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)
We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night. Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .
“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.
Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch. One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .
“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”
The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . . In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies. And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house. She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this. And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?
Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender. “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .
Plot? I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .
The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .
“You are getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”
At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time. In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her. But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end. And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .
Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there. I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT. And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers . . .
Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend. “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly. (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)
“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket. I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”
“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style. “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”
(Side note: I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference. Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.” But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)
Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees. Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation. Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?
Surprise! It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all. (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.) By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms? Maybe she has irritable bowel syndrome? That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .
I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter. Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails! You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though. She sure is persistent. We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.
Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .
Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker. This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why). Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated . . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .
Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .
“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”
Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician. I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . . Give up?
OK . . . I’m better now. So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship. (This is news, right?) In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.
(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)
The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him. Cue the text from “A” . . .
. . . annnnd . . . Spencer’s speedy departure. (Bye Wren . . . for now! We’ll see you soon! I miss you already!)
That not-so-fresh feeling . . .
One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .
Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .
Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.” Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital. It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.” “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.” “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)
Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already? Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?
(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)
That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window. And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans. They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .
But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode. She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense. HELLO! Emily’s GAY! Read the memo, Blind Jenna. And here I thought you knew everything . . .
You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?
CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”
HANNA: “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”
CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”
HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”
Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder. Hanna, apparently, thinks so too. Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .
“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!” Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.
Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna. Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .
Speaking of alone . . .
Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.
“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers. It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”
Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her. And she does it in the most painful way possible too . . . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .
As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was. As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action. Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .
As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance. Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved. But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .
Poor Wren. He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating. Then again, maybe he does . . .
Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .
It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me. Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .
TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .
But, in lighter news . . .
How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .
“A good deed . . . I did do. But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”
Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .
And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way. . .
OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay. (He sure could have fooled me.) He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb). And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas). So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉
Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .
. . . and waits . . .
“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee . . .”
Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .
In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please! A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger? That’s horse poopy!”
As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria. And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood. Of course, Yoda student is elated. So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .
And so, the student has become the teacher. Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .
In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . . Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .
But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . . to PROTECT HER . . .
It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions. And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna. Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .
The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .
This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .
Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT! And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell. Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .
Hey, check it out. Lucas actually has some decent abs, under those too-tight pants, and Hanes Beefy Tees . . . Who knew?
Oh Lucas . . . dear, sweet, dorky, Lucas. I have a little life advice for you. The next time you find yourself wrapped up in an illegal online gambling scheme that you don’t want your friends to know about, try not acting like a psycho serial killer, mmmm-kay?
That’s right, my Pretties. In a twist that surprised positively NO ONE, Lucas revealed himself to be (1) alive, and (2) an addicted gambler. What was surprising (for me, anyway) was that Lucas didn’t actually act totally bizarre and freak out Hanna, because he was working for A, and felt guilty about it. He freaked her out, and acted totally bizarre, because he just so happens to be a freaky kind of guy, sometimes . . .
Of course, Lucas wasn’t the only one shown to be hiding skeletons in his closet this week (or, should I say, worms in his Chinese food). Quite a few other characters on the show were “outed” this week, for various secrets they’ve been keeping. Also, this week, after a way too long hiatus, A’s snarky text messages are back, Baby! Hooray!
So, chug down some lake water, and slip into your favorite cashmere sweater set, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
For that Deep Down Body Thirst . . .
When the episode begins, a very soggy Hanna is sitting by the fire, all comfy cozy . . . or . . . at least, she would be comfy, cozy, if she wasn’t terribly frightened about having possibly murdered Rosewood’s Most Adorkable Nerd, in self defense.
(Just hope there aren’t any mathletes on the jury, Hanna . . .). Hanna’s pals try to comfort her, by telling her that the police are dredging the lake for bodies, as they speak. Riiight . . . because that’s what all possible murder suspects like to hear, after a long hard night of beating their homicidal-seeming friend with an oar, until he almost drowns . . .
Aria remarks that she doesn’t consider Lucas a violent guy. This prompts Hanna to remind her that she’s been so busy sucking face with Fitzy, that she missed the PLL episode where Lucas beat the crap out of Ali’s Ugly Ass Fountain Memorial. (Remember that, my Pretties?)
Also, apparently, Lucas knows how to swim . . . which is weird, considering he’s allergic to chlorine.
Where did he learn to doggie paddle? In his bathtub?
Thinking about Lucas’ “fishy” behavior makes Hanna thirsty. Fortunately, someone has put a thermos of liquor in her pocketbook. Wait, did I say liquor? I meant LAKE WATER . . .
That’s right. “A” strikes against poor Hanna with a vengeance, and, of course, a snarky text message to match: “No fun chugging lake water is it? Choke on this, b*tch!”
Oooh! Now, that’s what I call a burn, which is probably what Hanna’s going to feel in her stomach, when that lake water comes back up for another cameo appearance.
In other Creepy A news, she’s apparently been stocking up on prepaid cell phones, and hiding them in Spencer’s nana’s attic, while Caleb and Hanna were boning on Spencer’s nana’s couch.
This humps for you, Nana!
Among the cell phones, creepy dolls, and used condom wrappers, Spencer finds something else in her nana’s attic: a receipt . . . from Smitty’s . . . in Philly.
I smell a Road Trip!
Still “Holden” onto Fitzy . . .
They say the best way to get over an ex, is to get under someone else. And that’s probably true, unless you’re Aria. If you’re Aria, the best way to get over an ex, is to get under that ex again, while telling your parents your under that nerdy childhood friend they seem to like so much. And this is how Aria comes to accept a date request from that curly-haired muppet Holden . . .
I see the resemblance, don’t you?
It’s also how she comes to bring him to that exact same lame play she was supposed to attend with Professor Sweater Vest, before Papa Hypocrite and Mama moody got in the way . . .
“Oh No . . .el!”
Who cares that Hanna’s “romantic row” across the lake wound up morphing into the last scene of a bad Lifetime Movie. Mona is upset, dammit! She’s just been dumped by her Bushy Eyebrows Boyfriend . . . and less than twenty-four hours after she showed him her “lovely lady lumps,” no less.
Mona + Noel = Mole? This relationship was doomed from the start . . . WORST SHIP NAME EVER!
Now, that’s gotta really mess with a girl’s self esteem! But like I said, Hanna’s got her own problems. Not only might she have just turned Lucas into Rosewood’s own version of Swamp Thing, she’s also about to LOSE HER Homecoming Crown, because she’s a SUSPECTED Ali Killer . . . Oh the horror!
(I don’t know . . . if I were Hanna, I’d be more concerned about the fact that there was once a MASSIVE CLOSEUP SHOT OF MY FACE in the display case at school. I mean, that thing was just asking to have a mustache, and black teeth drawn on it.)
Hey, remember Sappy Sean? Nobody else does . . .
But, like I said, this isn’t about Hanna! It’s about Dumped Mona! And she’s mad that Hanna isn’t down with joining her for a Bushy Eyebrow Boyfriend Bonfire. What an unsupportive biatch! (Hey Mona, remember when Caleb left you a letter for Hanna, saying that he loved her, and you poured soda on it, and threw it in the garbage? I bet Hanna does!)
BUSTED!
Hypocrisy aside, Mona blows a raspberry in Hanna’s face, and storms off to watch three hours of The Notebook, nonstop, while she cries into an entire tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream.
Feel free to eat your feelings, Mona . . .
Meanwhile, Hanna heads to the ladies room, for her own Cry Fest . . .
In Which Hanna’s Tears Flood the Entire Girl’s Bathroom . . .
What high school girl hasn’t rushed into a stinky bathroom stall for a snot-filled Ugly Cry? In the next scene, we see Hanna doing exactly that. But here’s the weird thing, it seems the ENTIRE BATHROOM IS CRYING FOR HANNA. I mean literally, the whole place fills up with water, that pools at her feet. (Hey, wasn’t that a scene from Alice in Wonderland . . . the Disney version?) Undoubtedly, Hanna is wondering which non-Homecoming Queen had the nerve to stop up a toilet, while her highness was sobbing.
However, when she emerges from the bathroom, she learns that the culprit wasn’t an excessive toilet paper user at all! Instead, it was a really small oarsman, in a teeny tiny boat . . .
(How adorable!)
Buzzzzzz . . . it’s been nearly five minutes since our last message from “A”. You know what that means . . .
Kiss the girl . . . unless she knocks you in the back of the head with a phallic-looking wooden object . . .
I don’t know “A” the boat was cute and all. But I, personally, would have gone with a rubber duckie. Their squeakier. 🙂
In Which Maya pretends to need a fake ID . . .
Emily gets a weird phone call, from a blocked cell phone number. But she doesn’t screen it, because, apparently, she’s a moron. The person on the other end of the line is a mixture of seductive and creepy. Is it “A”?
That depends . . . do you think Maya is “A?” I do! I do! Because that’s who ends up being on the other end of the line. She wants Emily to get her a fake ID, so that she can pretend she’s not 40 so that the two can go clubbing . . . or something. Emily decides to offer her new/old girlfriend Aria’s fake ID, because, apparently, the two are going to a bar for the blind.
TWINSIES!
Then, Maya gets a mysterious call, and has to get off the phone ASAP. We know it’s “mysterious,” because Maya makes the Spencer Face, when she gets it.
Golly gee, I wonder who it could be?
No Sex on Spencer’s Nana’s Couch , Tonight!
The Honeymoon’s over for Haleb, and it’s all Lucas’ fault. Damn, that Lucas and his shady, possibly dead, ways! How dare he come between this sexy super couple. Now, how’s baby Haleb supposed to be conceived on Spencer’s Nana’s couch?
Here’s what the fight is about. Caleb wants to go find Lucas, and Hanna would prefer he rot at the bottom of the lake. Well, not really. But based on how she’s acting, you certainly can’t blame Caleb for thinking that. He’s also pissed at Hanna for not being “honest” with him . . . (says the guy who was hired by Blind Jenna to stalk her, and who, up until recently, made a living hacking and stealing people’s cell phones). But hey, nobody is perfect, right?
Don’t answer that . . .
Anywhoo . . . Caleb’s going to go back to Spencer’s lake house, and check nana’s couch with a blacklight for any sign of sperm that’s not his own. He’s such a super sleuth, that Caleb. Then again, knowing Caleb, he could probably save himself a lot of trouble, and car mileage, by simply hacking Lucas’ phone . . . or maybe even checking his computer for “strange” web activity?
Most guys just stick with porn . . .
I See Blind People . . .
Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria are chilling in Philly, right outside Smitty’s, which ends up being nothing more than a lame magazine stand. Talk about a wasted trip! But, here’s the kicker . . . well, there are two kickers actually. (1) Smitty’s is right by Psycho B*tch Melissa’s apartment. As for the second kicker, we won’t find out what it is, until Aria conveniently exits, stage left.
Mere minutes later, Spencer finds herself surrounded by . . . wait for it . . . BLIND PEOPLE . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF BLIND PEOPLE . . . AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO. This, understandably frightens Spencer, who’s only experience with blind people has been through the frightening, flute playing, brother f*&king one one, who may, or may not have gotten Spencer ARRESTED for a murder she didn’t commit.
“I also ate my seeing eye dog . . . “
Given that, can you blame Spencer for being a little Blindist?
Nevertheless, Spencer follows the Blind People Parade to a Building for Blind People. (An Existential, But Possibly Offensive, Riddle: If there is a building that no one ever sees, does it really exist?)
Spencer talks to the Building for Blind People’s receptionist, in an attempt to get information about Blind Jenna. Unfortunately, Building for Blind People’s receptionist is just too tough of a nut to crack.
But lest Spencer be forced to make her Face again, Someone magically appears to help her in her hour of need. Question: Who could it be? Answer: THIS GUY . . .
Apparently, one of the perks of enrolling in the Building for the Blind is a free curling iron . . .
OMG! It’s that guy from Glee . . . you know, the one Blaine was in love with for one episode. Apparently, being serenaded by the Warblers, made the poor guy go blind! Oh, the humanity!
Anywhoo . . . apparently, Blind Jeremiah (or whatever his name was supposed to be in this show) just looooooooved Blind Jenna, because she was so kind and supportive, or whatever. She also seemed really determined to graduate from Blind Building, so she could do stuff . . . you know, like torturing fellow high schoolers, and screwing siblings and police boys. Blind Jeremiah also cryptically notes that Blind Jenna is totes awesome at “reading people” and feeling up their arms, to determine if their pulse is racing. How’s that for foreplay? Something tells me if Spencer wasn’t madly in love with Abs Toby, she’d be all over this blind hand-fondling hunk of man meat . . .
But alas, this is a “working vacation.” And Spencer has evidence to steal . . .
That’s right, my Pretties. In a twist of convenient ridiculousness that only can exist on this show, Spencer notices that Blind Building keeps books containing the signatures of ALL THE PEOPLE WHO EVER VISITED THERE right behind the desk . . . for fond memories, I guess (which would make a lot more sense, if people signed in using braille). I love that Spencer immediately thought to look up the sign out book for OVER A YEAR AGO, and it just happened to be RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING. (Talk about a waste of precious trees, and space! Who the hell else would be interested in a bunch of names and times from a year ago, aside from Spencer?)
All sense of logic aside, when Spencer flips through the book, she learns that Police Boy Garrett signed Jenna out of Blind Building on the night of Ali’s murder AND NEVER SIGNED HER BACK IN . . .
Silly Garrett, you signed your lover out of her blind house to commit a murder, and USED YOUR REAL NAME? Did your parents drop you on the head one too many times as a baby?
DOH!
Speaking of people who might be brain damaged . . .
In a scene that’s so useless, it’s only purpose seems to be to make Mona look like she might be “A,” Spencer runs into the recently dumped chickee, right outside the subway station, on the way back from her trip to Blindland . . . er . . . I mean Philly. Apparently, Mona’s been trying out a little retail therapy, of the Ugly Sweater Set variety. So, if she shows up for next week’s episode looking like this . . .
But hey, it could have been worse. She could have bought THIS sweater . . .
The Case of the Mysterious Maya . . .
Maya is acting “weird.” She keeps getting text messages, and making funny faces. Emily worries that Maya might be getting stalked by “A.” Why not? Everybody else is! Except, since I think Maya IS actually “A,” that can’t really be the case, can it?
Fortunately, unlike with the whole Lucas Fiasco, the writers don’t make us wait a week to find out. As it turns out, Maya met someone at Druggie / De-gaying Camp. They started to date, and things went sour. (Boooriinng!) Oh, but that’s not all, Maya’s “date” was a HE!
“Whatchu talking about, Maya?”
OK . . . so, I have a theory about this. Wanna hear it? (Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.)
Maya’s stalker ex boyfriend is . . . wait for it . . . Bushy Eyebrows NOEL!
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Especially considering how Noel’s dumping of Mona coincided almost exactly with Maya’s “mysterious text message” receipts AND how both characters were “absent” around the same time.
If this is true . . . Maya better watch out . . . because those slimy caterpillars over Noel’s eyeballs are not the type to take no for an answer . . .
Because Arthur Miller Plays are Sexy . . .
When most people see their ex, while their out on a date with somebody else, they do this . . .
But not Fitzy and Aria. Nooo sir . . . these two star crossed lovers prefer to walk . . . toward . . . each . . . other . . . in . . . slooooooo . . . . mooooo . . . while . . . verrrry . . . cheesyyy . . . muuuussiiiic . . . plays . . . in . . . the . . . background . . .
Poor . . . poor, probably gay, anyway, Holden! How exactly does one compete with millions of teeny tiny violins, and enough Fitzy tears to flood an entire theater filled with old people. (Because, really, who else under the age of 55, goes to see Arthur Miller plays, unless they are doing it extra credit?) Then again, if anyone knows a thing or two about “extra credit,” it’s Aria Montgomery . . .
Speaking of 55-year olds, Fitzy’s bad experiences with Wacky Jackie have caused him to completely swear off girls his age. Case in point . . . his date to the theater . . .
But don’t worry Ezria fans, unlike Aria’s mom, and that random middle-aged lady, Possibly Gay Holden is totally cool with being used / playing a third wheel to Professor Romeo and Underage Juliet. In fact, it kind of turns him on!
So, can Aria and Fitzy trust Holden to be their beard?
I think so. Anyone who’s brings gummy bears on a first date can’t be too evil, right?
He’s Baaaaaack!
It’s a dark stormy night despite the fact that it wasn’t raining a moment ago, when Aria went on her date . . . or when Spencer went to Philly . . . or when Emily went out clubbing with Maya. Hanna is sitting on her steps in the dark, feeling sorry for herself . . . and possibly trying to save electricity? Suddenly, the window opens . . . so she goes to close it. (Sounds like a pretty sensible thing to do, right?)
But then, when she turns her back for a second, we see DIRTY FOOTSTEPS ON THE FLOOR. And we all know those dirty footprints can only come from one person?
(Geez, Lucas! You’d think you’d have learned by now to wipe your feet before commiting misdemeanors . . .) Under the circumstances, you really can’t blame Hanna for thinking that Lucas is trying to kill her. (She did, after all, sort of / kind of try to kill HIM.)
Get ready to feel incredibly guilty, Hanna. Apparently, Lucas’ Big Water Confession was not that has was working for “A”, but that he had spent all of Caleb’s phone hacking stash betting on basketball games. (I don’t know . . . it sure sounded a lot worse than that, when he was calling the SUICIDE HOTLINE!) So, where has Lucas been all this time, if not skulking around with “A” or sleeping with the fish, you ask? It appears our nerdy high roller has been out trying to sell his comic stash for some quick cash to pay back his friend, Spongebob Squarepants . . .
Caleb takes the news surprisingly well. But Lucas can’t help but notice how quiet Hanna has gotten, since he made his confession . . .
Poor Lucas undoubtedly took the above statement as some kind of judgment from Hanna. But just as Hanna did earlier, when she smacked Lucas upside the head in the middle of a lake, he might very well have misread the situation. After all, Hanna, of all people, knows what it’s like to do Very Bad Things for money. (Remember when “A” paid her to dance with Lucas, using the money her mom stole from that old lady?)
I actually think Hanna meant the line in an oddly positive way, as in “I’m glad you’re not A’s evil henchman, who beat Emily with garden tools, because she showed him an empty box . . .
Poor Lucas! If only he knew . . .
“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.”
I Ordered my Worms without MSG!
Later that night, the girls order Chinese takeout, and find a special surprise in their lomaine . . .
Noel’s eyebrows! How did you get in there?
I guess they should have stuck with the fried rice . . .
In the final scene of the episode, Gloved Hand tinkers with Toby’s architecture stand thingy . . .
It looks like another Pretty Little Boyfriend is going to end up all wet . . . I hope this one isn’t allergic to chlorine . . .
As for next week’s PLL installment, be on the look-out for more A shenanigans, Pretty Little Boys in danger, and, of course, Spencer Face . . .
You can check out the Canadian promo here:
And it’s American counterpart here:
Don’t cry, my Pretties! PLL will be back before you know it!
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 