The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

 

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“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

 

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

“I think I just pissed my self.”

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

 

 

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

 

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

 

 

 

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

 

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

 

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

 

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

Or was he . . . .?

 

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

 

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

STILES?!

 

Wait . . . what?

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

 

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

 

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

 

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

 

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

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And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

And we all know what happened to her . . .

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

“I want my doll!”

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

Or Kali . . .

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

“Busted.”

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

And another one down . . .

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

Meet any new and interesting people?

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

“Sup, girl?”

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?“

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.“

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

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You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

Source 

Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

Source 

He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

“Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.“

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

Source 

Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

Source 

Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

Source 

Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

Source

Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .

Of course, Scott and Stiles haven’t yet been informed about the new principal at their school, but they are about to find out . . .

Principal Gramps clearly has done his homework on these too, especially Scott, who he notes is Allison’s “ex-boyfriend.”  It seems pretty obvious that Gramps knows Scott’s a wolf.  And yet, he doesn’t immediately chop him in half, like he did the Hippie Wolf.  The question is why.  I’m thinking it’s because he has bigger plans for Scott . . . plans that might just involve using him to locate the rest of his pack.

Ever the loyal friend, Stiles opts to take one for the team, by stewing in detention, while Scott dashes off to rescue Isaac, who has just been carted off to jail, just as he predicted.  Of course, Derek magically appears at this moment, to help with the “war effort.”  With his leather jacket, and dark glasses, Derek kind of looks like The Terminator . . . only hot  . . . and without the Austrian accent.

Source

Derek has something to show Scott . . . something that could seriously hurt Isaac’s murder defense, if the cops find it . . .

Elsewhere . . .

The Most Boring Sex Tape Ever

Jackson gets Weird Camera guy to lend him a video camera for 100 bucks so that he can make a solo sex tape.  Just kidding.  He wants to videotape his werewolf transformation.  He flexes for the camera a few times, before heading to sleep.  And that’s all that the camera catches . . . eight hours of Jackson . . . alone . . . in bed.

Needless to say, this tape won’t get as many hits on YouTube as the one Kim Kardashian made.

So, it appears Jackson is still 100% Grade A douchebag human . . . or is he?

The House of Hor-weres

The minute Derek alluded to Isaac having a worse motive to kill his father than run-of-the-mill battery, I thought the kid might have been sexually abused.  The writers don’t necessarily go that far with the character.  However, we do get to see Isaac’s dad’s unique idea of punishment, which, apparently, involved locking his son, in an icebox for extended period’s of time.  Oddly enough, this gives Scott an idea . . .

Back at the Argent’s, Gramps and Papa are also discussing Isaac’s case, and whether or not they have enough proof to chop him in half.  Allison tries to listen in, but they shut the door in her face, in a very Godfather-esque way.  Allison does learn part of her family’s plan however.  It involves a sheriff taking wolfsbane into Isaac’s cell, enough of which will kill him.

“You know, I like you a lot better, when your tongue isn’t permanently attached to my best friend’s face.”

Allison calls Stiles (Nice to see these two teaming up for a change.), and together they devise a plan . . .

Those Meddling kids

You remember last season how solid Alli was with a crossbow, right?  Well,  this week she uses those skills to put a flat tire in the wolfsbane carrying cop’s car, and to shoot him in the leg.  I’ve never really been an Allison fan.  But even I’ve got to admit that’s pretty bad ass.

Gives new meaning to the term “woody.”

Allison then heads to Isaac’s house (Isn’t that a crime scene?  How are all these people just entering and leaving it, willy nilly?), while Stiles bounds off to jail to somehow save Isaac,  who’s undergoing his first wolf transformation, as we speak.

In the basement of Isaac’s house, Derek again pitches his “Be All That You Can Be In My Pack” speech to Scott, who lectures his new packmaster on his seeming need to turn every lost soul in Beacon Hills into a werewolf, without properly informing them of the risks.  “I can make you a better werewolf.  I can teach you to use ALL your senses . . . not just your nose,” Derek teases his new pal, before heading off to the jail, himself.

Enter Allison.  She and Scott share some kisses and more angst, before Scott finally convinces her to lock him in the icebox during his transformation.  She hesitates, but ultimately obeys.  Moments later, that THING arrives.  It’s the same one that killed Not-Mitch Leery.  It sidles toward Allison, and she screams, grabbing her teeny tiny knife for protection.  (Where’s her crossbow?)

Scott hears her terror, and breaks out of his icebox, half-wolfed out, just in time to see the THING sprout lizard legs,  crawl on the ceiling and exit stage left.

“What the heck is that?” We wonder.  My pal Andre has an idea.

Of course, the more pressing question, for purposes of the show, anyway, is WHO is that?  My early money is on Creepy Camera Guy, (1) because he already seems kind of obsessed with Allison; (2) because he’s on the same lacrosse team as Isaac, and probably knew about his home situation; and (3) because his appearance thus far in the series has been totally random and seemingly useless.  (I mean, honestly, couldn’t Jackson have bought his own camera?)

Anyway, that’s my theory.  What’s yours?

My Hero!

Meanwhile, at the jail, Derek and Stiles are shamelessly flirting with one another.  Derek brags that he can easily distract the female guard with his hotness, while Stiles rescues Isaac.   Stiles watches Derek charm the pants off of the lady cop, clearly jealous . . . though it is uncertain whether it’s Derek or the cop that are earning most of his jealousy.

“That boy is such a tease.  I’m not letting him borrow my shirts anymore.   That’s for sure.  Fool me once, big guy!”

By the time Stiles gets to Isaac’s cell, two important things have happened (1) Wolf Isaac broke out of his cage; (2) Limpy, the wolfsbane carrying cop, who Allison shot, has returned to the jail.  Isaac promptly attacks and disarms him, before turning his attention on a now-scared sh*tless Stiles.  Worry not though, it’s Derek and his ruby eyes to the rescue.

All he has to do is show his teeth to Wolf Isaac, and the latter starts cowering in the corner.   “How did you do that?” Stiles asks, breathlessly, passion in his eyes.  (Yes, I know I’m laying it on thick. ;))

“I’m the Alpha,” Derek says confidentally,  before exiting stage left.

I’m not sure if it’s that simple though . . . One could argue that Isaac submitted to Derek’s will, not because Derek is the Alpha, but because Isaac instinctively fears abuse from his parental figures.  Would Scott have yielded in this situation?  Or Jackson?  Or Lydia?  Only time will tell . . .

Stiles’ dad enters the jail, just in time to find Stiles standing awkwardly in a room filled with one unconscious werewolf, and one unconscious sheriff.  “He did it,” Stiles exclaims adorably, pointing at Isaac.

It’s a brilliantly understated ending to a well-written pair of premiere episodes.  Don’t you think?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The “Save Elena” Games . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “All My Children”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD.  And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love,  honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity,  freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl.  She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.  And that girl, of course, was  . . . Elena Gilbert.  Isn’ it always?

So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games  TVD-cap . . .

Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .

The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear.  Hmmm . . .  that teddy bear looks very familiar.  Where have I seen it before?

Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉  Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely.  And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.

“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’

Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone.   And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie!  We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.

“No more phone sex for you, Buster!  (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)” 

Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?

Nahh  . . . I didn’t think so .  . .

Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).

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“Oh hey, Elena!  You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”

Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities.  She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around.  Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap.  Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .

But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood.  Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.

She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies.  As it turns out?  Not so much . .

“There’s more where she came from!”

You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena?  Stefan.

(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice.   And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)

 At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*

The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”

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Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever  . . .

As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done.  “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.

But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.”  It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature.  So, instead of high fiving,  Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.

(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement.  Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)

Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.

What?  Elena?  Ruin plans?  NEVER!

Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .

Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house.  So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense.  Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet.  To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth   . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.

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Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .

Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly?  But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet.  He still has THIS to say . . .

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 I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor.  TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes .  . . 😉

With Kol and Klaus out of the house,  Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual .  . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats.  Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this.  Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.

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Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face.  (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.)  So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .

Tales of a Vampire Gigolo

Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women.  You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . .  Well played, Damon.  When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls.  You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .

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Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell.  But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.

That’s better!

Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch  to kill all her kids that very night.   Ruh-roh!  Talk about burying the lead!

Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.  I disagree.  And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .

“Are you there, Elena?  It’s me, Elijah!”

Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane.  (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?)  As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time.  They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.

This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat.  But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.”  and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”

 “That’s not going to work!”

It works like a charm!

The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering,  quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands.  She confesses everything.  “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.

“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.

One word: HOT!

The battle lines are drawn

While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing.  He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted.  (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . .  perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)

The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another.  Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉

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Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer.  (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.)  Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point.  His lady love is missing.  And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family.  She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna.  Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch.  It’s all highly unpleasant.  But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.

“Just nod and smile, baby.  Just nod and smile.” 

Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing.  What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms.  After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her.  The plan?  Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.

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Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests.  Anything for Elena!  (Man, how many times has THIS happpened!  For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)

Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern.  Hurry up, Salvatores!  Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!

Speaking of balls . . .

The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist

The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one.  Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark.  Caroline, of course,  gets Klaus.  But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls.  Though, I guess  the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.

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Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie.  “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.

First his teeth, now his liver.  I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.”  Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)

This is Kol . . . 

When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely.  *insert whipping sound*

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 “Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.

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But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark.  In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:

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Back in the bar,  Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.)  So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  It’s like a game of Clue!

All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead .  . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache.  But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger.  Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt.  So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.

A scuffle ensues, and Kol  is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals.  Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head.  He probably would have gotten much worse.  But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand.  i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.

The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .

Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .

Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt.  The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it,  while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals.  (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.)  Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .

Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.”  Neither one wants to do it.

 

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But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts.  They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse.  We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.

Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans.  But really, the Originals should be expecting this.  After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once.  The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores.  Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?

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Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena.  But then, in a surprise move,  Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because  . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.

In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing.  “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.

Oh, silly Original Mother?  Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches?  I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon .   . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.

Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air.  But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?

The Aftermath . . .

Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend.  (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!)  Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship.  She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold.  So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses.  How sweet!

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Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire.  (Grams would have hated that!)  And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result.  (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . . 

Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too.  Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉

“What are you wearing?” 

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss.   There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena.  On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying.  On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”

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Now, with this, I agree.   Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original.  Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive.   And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.

Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge.  He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return.  But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with,  in the first place.  And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .

At least, I hope so . . .

In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake.  Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her.  Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion.  How adorable!  Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .

Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse.  There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually.  So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂  He’s still super pretty though!

Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist.  This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .

Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE except, perhaps, Alaric.

In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons.   “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.

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Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer.  But that would just be too easy.  As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time.  That remains to be seen.  But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .

Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .

But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?

And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls forever]

The Tougher the Vampire, the Bigger his Balls! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Dangerous Liaisons”

You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls.  R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!

Howdy fangbangers!  This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉

It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.”  So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”

My Knight and Shining Elijah

You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co.  Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again.  Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.

“Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .” 

And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.

What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it.  That’s right, folks.  Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker.  But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .

Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .

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Well, maybe in a little bit of a hot, foreplay, way . . .

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But, worry not!  The Gentleman Vampire Elijah is not going to let anything happen to the woman who shares a face with his first (and second) love, even if it means going against his sister .  . .

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“You are pathetic,” Rebekah seethes.

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Umm . . . yeah, if by “pathetic” you mean “AWESOME!”

Cue TVD’s resident recapper Elijah’s filling in Elena, off screen about what happened in the last scene of “Bringing Out the Dead.”  Now, that was a conversation I would have liked to have seen!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Anyone Else Feeling Used?

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Aside from that time, when she de-staked Elijah and didn’t tell anyone . . .

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 . . .  this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do.  It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that.  Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .

After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?

And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . .  And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .

Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there?  No one?

Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.”  Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball.  (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)

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On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original.  It says, “Come and play with me at the party.  I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL.  XOXO – Esther.”

Or something like that . . .

Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing.  Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster).  But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.

This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.

The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love.  Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.

“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena.  This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.

Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?

Make up your mind, Buddy!

At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena.  He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home.  Silly Damon!  What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?

Meet the Michaelsons

In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass .  . .  both physically, and emotionally.  But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . .  For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .

. . .  has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus.  (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)

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In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah).  As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .

Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .

Speaking of suspect . . .

Fondly Klaus

At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler.  This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone.  It’s sad, really.  But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her.  Caroline seemed touched as well.

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 . . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.

Ding, Dong, Ditch, again!  Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball.  But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther.  It’s from Klaus . . .

Did I mention he also bought her a dress?   Oh Tyler.  Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto.   Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball.  “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.

There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!

Yeah . . . apparently,  Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.

Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed.  It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities.  Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .

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“Is it about moi, then?” 

Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .

Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .

It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Am I wrong?  I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.

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Also, the place is packed!  What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week?  I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is?  Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. .  . New York City, it clearly, isn’t .  . .

But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe.  Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.

This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .

Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires.  But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom.  It’s Elena.  And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y.  Damon most definitely approves . . .

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I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up.  What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams?  And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?

B*TCH! 

After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm.  It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .

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While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her.  We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.  But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.

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The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!”  It says, in Klaus’ accent.

Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey  . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .

Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later.  I’d say this was an editing problem.  But vamps do have superhuman speed after all.  One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship.   “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.

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Well, Bad Boy . . . get ready to get weak!

“I need a drink,” are Caroline’s first words to Klaus, as she sidesteps him, and heads to the bar.  (a.k.a. the party version of I can’t go out with you, because “I’m washing my hair.”)

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But Klaus isn’t giving up so fast . . .

Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone.  Well, of course she does!  The question is, will Damon let her . . .

Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.

Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor.  “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.

And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again  . . .

“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.

When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own.  It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another  . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.

Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy.  Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?

Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.” 

The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety.  “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.

Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector.   It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .

Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her.  “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong?  Elena inquires of her ex.

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Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees.  At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway.  Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.

It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient  . . . Go figure!

Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz.  Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.

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 It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline.  He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness.  This is a woman he can’t control through fear.  And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .

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Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness,  this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him.  (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.)  Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain.  But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him.  And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .

Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it.  So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.

But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls.  “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.

Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .

In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .

Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study.  And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK.  Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother.  – Time Elena Pissed Me Off  this Week # 1

En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late.  Memories of Tatiya, I guess.  (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl.  It’s frustrating!)  Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together.  And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask.  “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?”  Elijah asks.

Elena agrees.  Poor Elijah.  You might be honorable.  But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck.  Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .

When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there.  And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well!  It’s a little gross.  I’m not going to lie.  Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.

According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away.  (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World.  It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.)  Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.

Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!

Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . .  Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .

She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne.  Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original!  Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings.  You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor!  They probably do it on their own, every day.

Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together.  (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it.  The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword.  “Kill one Original, kill them all.”

Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even.  Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable?  What message does that give our youth?  Just sayin’.

Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face.  Let the brotherly ass kicking begin!  Name calling is involved.  I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts.  Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.

Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .

Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship  is one of Elena’s greatest talents.

DON’T DRINK AND DIE!

Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast.  Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing.  Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question.   And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.

But I’m about to get angry. . .

For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death.  It would be so easy to do.  All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him .  . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that,  I think Klaus peed in it.”

But NOOOOO!  She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.

What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2

A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .

After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse.  She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute.  He likes them because they are loyal.  Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.

Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl.  There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .

In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered.  This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets.  .  . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course.  And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him.  (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)

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Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people.  But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .

Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.

Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself.  Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . .  (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)

Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself?  And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline?  Who knew!

But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.”  She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.

After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most.  “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.

But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet.  “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.

The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.

But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift.  This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse.  Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift.  But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.

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Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.

WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉  At least, now we know how to get into his pants!

Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home.  Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus.  If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.

Choices . . . choices. 

Speaking of buffers . . .

“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”

When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do.  They are in eachother’s faces again.  His hand is on her arm.  Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.

In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship.  (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)

“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.

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OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K!  SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3  through 1,022!

First of all?  Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER!  Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring.  Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?

Ugh!  Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch?  We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .

“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?”  Damon scoffs.

How ironic, indeed!

Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon

Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles.  They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time.  But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.

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(Wow, girlfriend must REALLY have never had a guy be nice to her to be so incredibly easy to win over.  A cheap ratty coat . . . for a vampire?  Seriously!)

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Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister.  So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.

But worry not, Matt fans!  It’s Damon to the rescue!

He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job.  But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .

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Quite the bad ass martyr, that Damon . . .

Through the back door .  . .

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Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing.  “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest.  (Yeah, Mommy.  If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)

Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.”  “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.”  (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)

Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan.  “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.

Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .

It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself.  No joke.  Vampires are awesome . . .  particularly, the non-suicidal ones.

To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style.  I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans.  The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life.  (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)

The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did.  If only they knew . . .

As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena.  Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.)  She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing.  Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon!   So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department!  Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena.  (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)

Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat .  . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance.  (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)

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 “I should have killed him,” pouts Rebekah.

Be afraid, Matt.  Be very afraid.

Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home.  “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her.  “Welcome to adolescence.”

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After tossing back a shot or two, Damon reminds Rebekah that she would have crushed Matt in bed anyway, and that she should find someone more . . . ahem . . . durable.

Next thing you know, Damon and Rebekah are back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, throwing one another against walls, ripping eachothers clothes off, and . . . butt humping?

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Oh, CW!  You naughty, naughty channel . . .

This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others.  We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.

The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one.  And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead.  Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage.  Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.

Until next time!

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