Back in the very late 90s, there was a ridiculously bad movie called Idle Hands about a teenage boy who somehow managed to get his hand possessed by a serial killer. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?) What followed was 90 VERY LONG minutes of the “evil hand” killing the teen’s friends, family, and, most depressingly, his cat (who, spoiler alert, was the only remotely likeable character in the entire film). Through it all, the teen just stared dumbfounded at his super busy body part, like a guy on a really bad acid trip . . .
This week’s installment of Once Upon a Time was a Disney-fied take on that story, with a twist, or, dare I say, a hook, at the end that made the premise much more palatable.
(More importantly, I am happy to report that no cats were harmed in the making of this episode . . .)
. . . just a knave . . . and some really old guy.
Let’s review, shall we?
To read the rest of this snarktastic recap, click here.
What does it take to gain your trust? Are you someone who is easily won over? All it takes is a pretty face, a warm smile or a few moments of bonding over a sweet treat, and you are already convinced you’ve met a friend for life.
Do you tend to give people the “benefit of the doubt,” and view them in the best light possible, until they prove to be otherwise?
Or perhaps you are a bit more discerning in the people with whom you choose to share your secrets? You often find yourself skeptical of the motives of others. You play your cards close to your chest. Those who don’t know you well may even call you aloof, standoffish, or, dare I say . . . frosty . . .
Though one could argue that the theme of every episode so far of Season 4 of Once has been “how to milk the Frozen franchise for all its worth,” I would argue that this particular episode . . .
. . . had that theme too . . .
. . . but it was also about “Trust.”
For people like Elsa and Emma, who have been hurt and mistreated in their past, it is difficult to open up and trust others . . .
For people like Regina, Rumpelstiltskin and Will Scarlet, who have been stereotyped and marginalized for their past deeds, it is difficult to regain the trust of the people who may have already written them off.
And for people like the Snow Queen, this general lack of trust amongst the good people of Storybrooke proves to be a fertile playground for manipulation, control, and all sorts of other activities that tend to frequent the To Do Lists of every self-respecting Big Bad.
Let’s review, shall we?
Actually, before we begin . . .
A Little Background on The Snow Queen
What’s fun about Once Upon a Time, is that most of the fairytale characters we meet here are fairly recognizable to pretty much anyone who has ever read a fairytale or . . . more likely . . . seen a Disney movie based on a Fairytale. Most of us grew up knowing at least the basic stories of Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Little Red Riding Hood.
But Once seems to have waded a bit deeper into the Fairytale Pool for The Snow Queen, a story that probably didn’t make a lot of your first grade teachers’ Must Read list . . . basically because its super dark, and a little gross . . .
You see, The Snow Queen’s modus operandi was basically to shove broken pieces of glass mirrors into people’s eyes (ouch!) and distort their vision of the world. She’d make them hate everything and mistrust everyone except for . . . wait for it . . . The Snow Queen herself.
“Up top!”
This was a step-by-step process. First she’d make her victims act like total douchebags to all their friends. Then, when they had no friends left, she’d have them come live with her. Then she’d make out with them (even if they happened to be little prepubescent boys . . . ewwwww), causing them to not only mistrust and hate their former friends, but to forget their existence entirely.
In short, The Snow Queen was the “If I can’t have you, no one can,” abusive boyfriend / mistress in every Lifetime Movie you ever saw . . .
A burner of bunnies . . . among other things.
So, with that in mind . . .
(You can read the rest of my recap for Once Upon a Time’s Rocky Road here . . .)
Greetings, Fangbangers! It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .
Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.” WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .
Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .
Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .
Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.” (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)
New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.” (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)
In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.
But that’s why we love them.
Let’s review, shall we?
Highway to Hell-o
Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .
“Don’t worry about the car. You can always compel yourself another one.”
I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .
But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”
Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .
Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces. Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever . . .
Body of Evidence
Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs! We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .
I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .
“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)
Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.” Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch. It also makes Matt seem like a major loser. Get a hobby, Man! Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard. And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .
Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week. They are LONG overdue!
Hex, Lies and Videotape
I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .
Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .
I have to admit, this one surprised me. I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks. Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share. More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .
“Say hello to my little hand . . .”
Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something. Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .
Fight for your right to potty . . .
Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .
I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”
Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?
After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom. Come on, Stefan! Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.
Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress. Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?
Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .
Let’s face it. No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom. And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.
The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .
. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .
It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .
Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!
Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame. I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.
It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .
“Yay, senseless death!”
That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive? Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past? AWESOME!
Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet. So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .
While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day. Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . . . You go, girl!
Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom. (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).
Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.
“Look at me, pretending to be a bird. Aren’t I adorable?”
That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge. After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass . . .
Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude. And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one. This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .
. . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”
Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . . Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.
“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .
Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis. Does having amnesia take away IQ points?
Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .
“Eating my feelings.”
Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!
Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .
This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.
As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield. This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .
Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.
Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .
At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures. (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)
Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing. Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash. But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .
Poor Jesse. It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired. Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”
Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day. (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.) With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.
After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .
. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures. However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .
As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!
Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .
In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .
(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)
Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty. Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out . . .
When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true. (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)
Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out. And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.
Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating. And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .
Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course. And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor. You know, eventually, you are going to go. It’s only a matter of time . . .
We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death. But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .
I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . . .
Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves. And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching. It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane. (“I wasn’t really mad at you.” “Things will get better.” “Have fun at college.”) It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.
On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired. Pom-poms? A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?
These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons? Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .
Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .
Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!
And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.
Life goes on, indeed. Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!
Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .
If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world, you were both right and wrong . . .
We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .
It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health. Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health. He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.
You gotta love college . . .
Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .
“Let [Scott] be the hero of his Black and White World. Real survivors, you and I, we live in Shades of Grey.”
Ah, sweet Moral Ambiguity! It’s a touchstone of every supernatural tale. After all, these characters live in a world where monsters have the capacity to be heroes.
Heroes sometimes turn out to be monsters.
And, no matter how much evil you’ve done, during the course of your lifetime, your character’s likeability is almost always directly proportional to how good you look with your shirt off.
Come to think of it, that’s pretty much true of every show I watch . . .
“Fireflies” saw four of the series’ main characters struggle with issues of morality. Derek, Allison and Chris Argent each grappled with their instincts toward self-preservation, and shielding their families from harm, versus an obligation to protect innocents, and serve a cause greater than themselves.
As for Stiles . . .Poor Stiles! Not only has his sixteen or so years of chastity left him incredibly sexually frustrated . . .
. . . now it might actually get him killed!
What’s worse? Stiles responsible decision to get a condom last week, might have actually ended up killing his old friend from PRESCHOOL!
Geez, writers! What kind of messages are you sending these young impressionable Teen Wolf watchers?
Throw in some very smart fireflies, a couple of very unlucky in love lesbians, and the worst place ever to store a school supply cabinet, and you’ve got yourself another banner hour of Teen Wolf, wolfbangers!
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps. He truly knows how to capture the hidden beauty of dead virgins . . .]
ThugBug Life
In a town comprised of werewolf packs, suicidal cats, servile psychopathic lizards, and kamikaze birds, it doesn’t surprise me at all that Beacon Hills has a Bug Mafia . . .
If nothing else, the first two scenes of this episode illustrated that the insect organized crime contingent is a force with which to be reckoned . . .
It’s 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?
Because rest assured, if I was a parent of young kids in Beacon Hills, mine wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house after 5 p.m., at least until they turned 30. I’d use straitjackets if necessary . . .
The moon is high in the sky. Two young kids we’ve never seen before (and, most likely, will never see again) are “innocently” catching fireflies in jars.
It would be an adorable and relaxing scene, if we didn’t remember what show we were watching . . .
Sure enough, here comes the Big Bad Boyd Wolf . . .
Hey, did they change Boyd’s Wolf Look, this week? He’s looking a bit more Mr. T than usual. Perhaps, they’ve been feeding him this in bank jail . . .
Run into the poorly constructed shed, kiddies! It worked for the Three Little Pigs! Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind!
Boyd is just about to say, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff. And I’ll blow your house down.”
But then he decides, “Screw it.”
He lifts up the dinky shed, and tosses it aside like yesterday’s trash . . .
Fear not, kiddies. Help is on the way! It’s that stealth band of fireflies you captured, and nearly killed, coming to your rescue! (Talk about a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome!)
While Boyd is literally distracted by shiny objects, the kids make their getaway.
“I’m sure it’s perfectly safe to hug this strange man we found lurking in the woods late at night.”
Elsewhere in the woods, a pair of amorous young lesbians on a camping trip aren’t quite as lucky . . .
Not to criticize or anything, but if you knew your significant other was deathly afraid of snakes and bugs, why oh why, would you choose, THE WOODS, of all places, as the locale for your first sexual encounter?
Gee Lover, is that a hideously disgusting spider crawling out of your crotch, or are you just happy to see me?
A couple of voyeuristic bugs appear on the side of the tent (Free Porn!), and the ill-fated (Emily?) is out of that tent, faster than you can say, “Are you a top or a bottom?”
Very smart, Emily. You found a couple of bugs in your tent, so you decided to run outside WHERE ALL THE REST OF THE BUGS ARE!
What happens next is pretty darn disgusting . . . but also oddly impressive. An entire swarm of creepy crawlies completely engulfs poor dumb Emily and LITERALLY MAKES HER DISAPPEAR . . .
Just like the scene with Heather, I’m pretty sure hallucination was at play here. Last week, whatever took Heather, used her fear of broken bottles and glass stabbed bare feet to lure her to the window, where she was promptly snatched up. This week, the same supernatural force seemed to use Emily’s fear of bugs to lure her outside her lover’s tent, using the classic “divide and conquer” strategy.
It’s what happened after that, which confuses me a bit . . .
What kind of creature has the power to make a person evaporate into thin air? And why wasn’t the same thing done to Heather, who was bodily yanked from her home by something that, at least based on Heather’s expression, was at least partially corporeal?
We all remember, from last season, the Stilinskis’ trusty rule. “One times an accident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.”
Pattern . . . here we come!
Omigod, you killed a Jonas Brother! (You bastard!)
You know, everyone assumes this season’s serial killer is committing its crimes, because it hates virgins. But maybe it just really, really didn’t like Camp Rock 2.
Poor Lydia! Apparently, all her screaming has given her just as bad of a headache as it’s given all of us . . .
She calls out to her mom, to tell her that she’s going to the pharmacy. But her mom, of course, doesn’t answer.
No surprise. I mean, this is the woman who failed to notice her daughter had a tatted up man in her bed, on the first day of school.
My new theory is that Lydia’s mom is actually dead, and has been for quite some time. I think Klaus from The Vampire Diaries killed her . . .
En route to the pharmacy, Lydia ends up taking a detour to the local pool, where the lifeguard is still on duty . . . sort of . . . This is how you know Jeff Davis and co. have pretty sick senses of humor. You see, this “guard” may have been a pro, when it came to guarding chastity. But guarding lives? Not so much . . .
“If only he had screwed me. I would have turned into a Real Boy just like Pinocchio.”
Stiles may have missed that first call. But he’ll be damned if he lets some slimy 911 police escort walk his lady up to her bedroom . . .
That’s a job for Stiles, and Stiles alone . . .
The writers tease fans into thinking Stiles wants to ask Lydia a “Relationship Question,” when he really just wants to know why she still seems to be drawn to dead bodies like a firefly to a rabid werewolves face . . .
Stiles and Lydia both wonder if Lydia is being controlled by Peter again. But I’m pretty sure this a red herring. On one hand, I do believe that Lydia’s “connection” to dead bodies Banshee . . . she’s clearly a banshee. is what enabled the then-dead Peter to possess her, in the first place. However, the kills she was drawn to last season, weren’t Peter’s kills, they were the kanaimas. Likewise, I’m pretty sure this season’s victims were murdered by something other than Peter . . .
That said, there does seem to be some connection between the fear hallucinations the victims are experiencing prior to their deaths, and the hallucinations the Scooby Gang experienced at the party, care of Lydia’s Mysterious Wolfsbane Juice . . .
Speaking of jumping to conclusions, Stiles immediately assumes that the Lifeguard was murdered by rabid Boyd and Cora. So, he warns Scott, that the two must be taken down, ASAP, or more innocent people’s lives will be at risk. Though Stiles’ conjecture ultimately turns out to be wrong, the assumption that Boyd and Cora are already cold blooded killers is necessary to make the rest of this episode work. It raises the stakes, and makes the characters’ decisions seem bolder and more impactful than they would otherwise . .
Werewolves and Hunters Unite!
Poor Isaac! The guy has been chopped up, freeze-dried, nipple fried, and pretty much tortured in every way imaginable, these past two episodes, for the sake of “the team.” And he’s still seems to have red shirt status, among his ever dwindling pack . . .
Scott doesn’t even consider Isaac to be “real help,” when it comes to subduing Boyd and Cora. Then again, perhaps, that has something to do with Isaac’s insistence on wearing that oh-so-fashionable scarf, on the escaped werewolves trail. This is Werewolf Hunger Games, not Project Runway, honey . . .
Still . . . I must admit, the scarf does look pretty damn good.
Anywhoo, Scott suggests the wolf pack commandeer expert werewolf hunter, and erstwhile enemy, Papa Argent to help with the search. Derek doesn’t think its a good idea. So, he lingers behind Scott in his new, uber intimidating, Soccer Mom Minivan, to make sure Argent doesn’t try any funny stuff.
“Pimp my ride, please?”
Come on, Derek. You’re 24. What’s with the 45-year olds car? At least get an option for a sun roof, so you could stick your head out the window, while in wolf mode?
Isaac hopes to use these precious in-car moments with Derek to talk about their “feelings.” Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .
Though his attempt failed miserably, I respect that Isaac tried to get Derek to open up about his sister, Cora. If anyone can relate to have complicated feelings about your blood relations, it’s the guy whose dad used to shove him in an icebox, but suffered an untimely death, due to lizard mauling …
As for Papa Argent, after giving Scott a warm welcome . . .
I’ve seen that facial expression somewhere before . . .
He tells his daughter’s ex, who his wife tried to have killed, in no uncertain terms, that he is OUT of the hunting business. Of course, as Papa Argent is about to learn, the werewolf hunting business is like the mafia. Everytime you try to get out, THEY PULL YOU BACK IN . . .
. . . you know by casually getting you to drive by teenage corpses, wearing purity rings . . .
Now comes the educational part of our program, where we learn all about hunting werewolves in the woods . . .
. . . you know . . . just in case any of you viewers have an interest in taking on that sort of career. (By the way, was that Papa Argent’s full time job? I wonder what one gets paid for catching-but-not-murdering-unless-they-REALLY-ask-for-it supernatural creatures that most of the world doesn’t believe exist.)
In other not important to anything other than this show news, did you know that fireflies in California (at least the ones not involved in insect organized crime) don’t typically glow? They have no “fire.” I guess that makes them just . . . you know . . . flies.
Scott helps out the cause by putting little strobe lights everywhere (Because werewolves like disco?), and doing completely random flips in the air, for no logical reason whatsoever.
But at least he’s not doing that ridiculous crab walk thing anymore.
“Show-off!”
As for Allison, having been traumatized once by chilling in a cleaning supply closet with this . . .
And again by learning that her mom nearly succeeded in murdering her boyfriend . . .
Allison decides to cope with her Massive Case of the Sads, by doing what she usually does when she’s feeling blue . . . namely shooting up sh*t . . .
The difference is that NOW she’s shooting sh*t for GOOD, and not for evil . . .
Perched high above the world, Allison uses her bow and arrow to lure Crazy Cora and Boyd right into the Scooby Gang’s trap . . . an “empty school.” You know, because the Scooby Gang has had so much luck battling baddies at the school, in the past . . .
Isaac notices Allison’s handiwork, and is impressed . . . almost impressed enough to lend her his awesome scarf . . . but not quite.
A lesser actor would have chewed the scenery here, breaking down into loud sobs. But Stiles knows that emoting won’t bring his friend back. And he doesn’t feel as though he deserves pity from Scott’s mom, who happens to be with him at the time, or anyone else. I imagine a part of him might even feel partly responsible for what has happened . . . and wonder whether he could have somehow prevented it . . .
Yet Stiles doesn’t dwell on these things. Instead, he composes himself quickly, and focuses on the matter at hand. Upon examining the two dead bodies, which, by the way, just seem to be lying around the hospital . . . Stiles immediately determines that the way in which they were killed is inconsistent with a werewolf mauling. Rather, the deaths, both of which having resulted from a blow to the head, a strangling, and a gutting, seem almost ritualistic.
And then, of course, Stiles figures out what these two sorry corpses have in common . . . THEIR ADVERTISED VIRGINITY.
That’s right folks, in Beacon Hills the new rule of to live by is apparently f*&k or die . . .
Sure enough, our poor bug hating lesbian is revealed to be a virgin as well . . . a dead virgin.
“Is it Friday yet?’
Though virgin sacrifices are nothing new in horror fare, they actually fly in the face of the teen slasher trope of virgins being the sole survivors of the story. The sluts always die first . . .
Needless to say, I’m betting Poor Stiles wishes he was in a slasher film right about now . . .
MTV’s Favorite Antihero Becomes More Hero (and less anti)
Meanwhile, the decidedly non virginal Peter and Derek meet outside the school to discuss the whole Boyd and Cora situation. An apt pupil of the “Save Your Own Ass” school of thought, Peter advocates letting Boyd and Cora “kill a few homeless dudes” to work off their rage. Doing this will prevent Derek from having to murder members of his own pack, in order to save virtual strangers.
Derek seems to seriously consider Peter’s argument. After all, saving his own ass first, has worked OK for him so far . . . it helped him to become Alpha.
But when the crew manage to successfully trap Boyd and Cora in the boiler room, just a few moments before sunrise, it seems as though Derek might just be able to get away without making the choice.
And he totally would have been able to do it too, were it not for two ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS PLOT OCCURRENCES . . .
(1) The new English teacher for, some reason, feels the need to hang out at school ALL NIGHT grading papers, despite the fact that school has only been in session for about two days . . . and . . . on the first day a flock of birds destroyed her entire classroom . . .
and
(2) Some genius thought it would be a great idea to put the school supply cabinet in the BOILER ROOM. You know .. . because it’s always wise to put large stacks of paper near things that have a tendency to EXPLODE and/or CATCH FIRE . . .
So, long story short, Mrs. McDamselinDistress winds up locked in the boiler room with a very hungry, very pissed off Boyd and Cora.
What’s a Sexy Derek to do?
Ultimately, Derek does the “right thing,” by allowing Boyd and Cora to tear him from limb to limb, so Professor Future Love Interest can live to inappropriately text her students another day . . .
So, yeah, it’s pretty obvious these two beautiful people are eventually going to bang one another. And I’m glad, for the sole reason that Derek Hale is simply too pretty NOT to be getting laid on a regular basis.
Of course, right about now, getting Stiles laid is much more important. Screwing Stiles has officially become a matter of life and death. So, what do you say, Wolfbangers? Anyone ready to take one for the team?
Risk and Reward . . . according to that teacher with a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes Coach Finstock, these are the two principals that guide the stock market.
And while that’s true, I would argue that the concept of Risk and Reward guides every aspect of human existence.
Think about it this way . . . Throughout our lives, we are faced with about a million choices, everything from the small (What am I going to eat for lunch today? How should I wear my hair?), to the huge (What career path will I take? Do I want to get married, and have kids?)
Some choices are riskier than others. The riskier the choice, the bigger the reward you reap, if you succeed in taking it. But if you fail, the consequences you suffer from making a riskier choice, are inevitably much larger than the ones that stem from making a safe choice . . .
This week on Teen Wolf, the members of our Scooby Gang all engaged in some pretty risky behaviors. Did their risks pay off? Would you have made the same choices they did? Are you feeling lucky, Wolfbangers?
No? Well, on to the recap, anyway . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre, for the awesome screencaps . . . and for instinctively knowing things like that I’m going to make fun of Allison for misspelling “logos.” And making it about ten times easier for me to do that.]
Stiles Stilinski: Sex with a minor in a room filled with glass bottles, and expensive wine? YES. Unprotected sex? NO!
. . . particularly in a world where all his male co-stars seem to REALLY love the ladies, and HATE cotton . . .
. . . have pretty much become a running gag on the show.
But in the opening moments of Episode 2, Season 3, it seems like Stiles might be able to FINALLY cash in that much-treasured v-card . . . or at least show us a little peek of skin, while attempting to do so . . .
Invited to the party of a childhood friend, who he hasn’t seem in quite some time, poor Stiles’ eyes seem in danger of popping out of his skull, when the same girl with whom he once played Power Rangers, is now mauling his face with her tongue, pushing him into a basement wine cellar, and aggressively propositioning him for no-frills, first time, sex.
Since Stiles is arguably the moral backbone of this show, I instantly feared that our hero would end up going all “After School Special” on Heather, lecturing her about the need to make ones first time “special,” by doing it with “someone you love” . . .
Yes, yes . . . I know, that’s technically the “right answer.” But Stiles is a hormonally charged teenage boy, for crying out loud . . . a teenage boy, who has just been offered sex with a hot teenage girl! For Stiles to act any other way than exactly how he did (excited, yet fumbling and ridiculously awkward), would be unrealistic for the character . . .
Stiles’ “I’m about to get laid” dance . . .
But lest you think Jeff Davis and co. have NO sense of moral responsibility, condoms instantly enter the scene . . .
Indeed, both Heather and Stiles agree that there is “No Glove, No Love,” as far as they are both concerned . . . even if the only “glove” available, might well be about ten sizes too big for Stiles . . . and might just fit around his weiner like a Where’s Waldo hat . . .
Stiles took a risk coming down to the cellar with Heather. And in running back upstairs to collect the condom, he juggles between two more risks: (1) the risk of STDs and/or Heather prospectively appearing on the next season of Teen Mom versus (2) the risk of her getting brutally mauled by an unseen supernatural creature, in the two minutes it takes him to retrieve a condom from her upstairs bathroom.
“NOOOO! Now, I’ll never get to learn what it feels like to have sex with Dylan O’Brien! Thanks a lot, Unseen Bottle Breaking Killer!”
Sorry Stiles . . . no reward for you . . . not this time, anyway . . .
Now, about that mauling . . . On first glance, it appeared like some unforeseen force was breaking all the wine bottles at Heather’s feet. (Would someone tell me again, why she was barefoot?)
(Does NO ONE wear shoes on this show?)
But, if you recall, after Heather was taken through the window, Stiles returned to a squeaky clean cellar.
This scenario presents the possibility that (1) the broken bottles were merely a hallucination, inflicted on Heather, to cause her to move back up against the window (making her easy pickings for whatever was on the other side); and (2) since, as far as we know, Heather is a human, with no relation to the wolfpack world, there may be another big bad lurking in Beacon Hills other than the Alpha Pack . . . possibly the one that is exerting its influence on all the animals in the area . . .
But really, all that’s just plot filler. The importance of this whole scene, for me anyway, was that poor Stiles, still remains sans popped cherry . . . and we never got to see him take off his shirt. A moment of silence, please, dear Wolfbangers, for another chance to see Stiles pects, crashed and burned . . .
But hey, look on the bright side! Thanks to Heather (well, actually, Heather’s “big boned” brother . . . though it’s probably best we don’t think about that) now every girl (and guy) in Stiles’ economics class, thinks he has an extra large package . . .
For an abused child with MAJOR daddy and trust issues, Isaac comes off as surprisingly innocent and childlike . . . a guy who is so deathly in need of a father figure, that he is seemingly willing to trust any weird wolf man, or hot biker chick with advanced weaponry, who shouts orders his way.
Well . . . almost anybody . . . There are some folks even Isaac doesn’t like . . .
And while Isaac’s bizarre innocence, in the face of a life filled with literally nothing but sh*t, is risky and dangerous, it’s also oddly refreshing . . .
Because Isaac could have just as easily become a sullen broody loner like Derek, or a sassy sociopath like Peter . . .
Instead, he’s Ronald Weasley with fangs . . .
Though Isaac clearly has qualms about being molested by Peter, so that the latter can “read his mind” regarding the possible whereabouts of Boyd and Erika, he quickly agrees to do it, simply because Derek told him it was cool . . .
“Whatever you say, Sexy!”
And what about Peter? The big bad of Season 1 (and half of Season 2), who made his grand entrance to a THEME song, now sports super tight hipster pants, walks with a sassy swagger, and has the mustache of a gangster from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire?
It seems that Teen Wolf is following in the TVD tradition of converting former Big Baddies into uncomfortable allies, just in time for the Bigger Bad to come along . . .
My theory? By the second half of this season The EVIL Alpha Pack will also inevitably join forces with Derek & Co., just in time to battle whatever the heck it was that pulled Heather from the window of her wine cellar . . .
But I’m getting ahead of myself here . . . The important thing is that “EVIL” Peter Hale is back. And though he’s not nearly as evil as he used to be, boyfriend looks goooooood . . .
OK . . . so you know, when you were a little kid, and you’d go to the doctor to get shots. And the doctor, or your mom, or whoever was standing next to you at the time, would always say something like, “This hurts me, more than it hurts you?”
And, even as a little kid, you knew that was a load of crap, because THAT PERSON, wasn’t the one getting BLUDGEONED WITH A NEEDLE IN THEIR ASS!
Well . . . in this case, mind raping Isaac really did seem to hurt Peter more than it hurt Isaac . . .
I mean check out that facial expression . . . That is most definitely the opposite of an “O” face, if you catch my drift . . .
More like an “OH NO!” face . . .
Based on doing . . . whatever the f*&k it was Peter did to Isaac, he figured out that Baby Wolf had, in fact, stumbled into the Alpha Pack’s lair, and located Boyd and Erika!
But . . . he had no clue where they actually were . . .
And the pair would pretty much be dead, in less than twenty four hours, if the Scooby Gang didn’t do something to rescue them . . .
Yeah . . . mind rape is totally overrated . . .
Derek Hale: Accept help from the two pretty girls who tried to have you killed last season? NO! Accept help from Stiles, and that new-fangled toy called the Internet? YES!
If you are one of the five people who have read my Teen Wolf fanfiction, you know that I find the Derek / Allison dynamic interesting. I mean, think about it. Allison was raised on fear and hatred of werewolves. Derek was raised on fear and hatred of the hunters, who he grew up believing had murdered his family. Allison blames Derek for the death of his mother. Derek blames Allison for going psycho in Season 2, and trying to kill him, and his entire pack.
There’s angst there . . . tension . . . a lifetime of hatred. And yet, at their core, Allison and Derek are very much alike. They are both products of tough and aggressive upbringings. They mask angst and sadness, with physical toughness, and violence. They are both trying to be better than those that came before them, but aren’t quite sure they have enough emotional strength, and “goodness” in them to accomplish that . . .
That’s why, even though the scene during which Allison and Lydia confronted Derek with the matching marks on their arms, and were brutally rebuffed by him, was pretty much filler, it was also, oddly, one of my favorite scenes from the episode . . .
Crystal Reed and Tyler Hoechlin somehow managed to convey all that complexity in the two short scenes they shared with one another. Derek, understandably, couldn’t bring himself to accept Allison’s help, or her explanations regarding the possible origins of the symbol on her arm . . . (He needed to hear the same information relayed to him again, later, by Stiles, before he was willing to act on it . . . a decision, which arguably lost him crucial moments in the rescue of Boyd and Erika.)
As for Allison, though she was willing to put aside her personal feelings to bring this information to Derek, she couldn’t do so without reiterating her disgust of what he represents . . .
But beneath all this, I saw something else growing between these two characters . . . grudging respect, and maybe, just maybe a hint of sexual tension.
Do I think the writers will go there with Derek and Allison, this season? Maybe not. But the opportunity exists. And the writers would be unwise to completely ignore it . . .
P.S. How did the Biker Chick manage to brand the bank logo on the girl’s arms, just using her bare hands? Was she a tattoo artist from the future? It would certainly explain that weird light saber-y weapon she de-wolfied the twins with, last week.
On a lighter note, I love that Derek Hale is a 24 year old guy, who . . . even though he literally may have been raised in a barn . . . at least went to high school . . . and yet still seemingly has no clue how to search for things on Google.
It looks like someone needs to get some private tutoring lessons from Stiles, STAT! Am I right, Sterek fans?
Isaac Lahey:Risk death by allowing ones self to be submerged shirtless into a bath of ice water? YES! Risk death by allowing ones self to be submerged pantsless in a bath of ice water? NO!
As if last week’s stomach splicing, and nipple electrocution, and this week’s, spine splicing weren’t painful enough, Poor Isaac was forced to endure even more torture, in the latter half of this week’s episode, when the Scooby Gang tried to DROWN HIM IN AN ICE BATH TO PUT HIM IN A TRANCE, just because THIS GUY told them to do it?
Yikes! Who knew werewolf hypnosis was so complicated? Whatever happened to swinging a pocket watch in front of someone’s face, and telling them they were getting sleepy?
Anywhoo, with little encouragement from the rest of the gang, Isaac gladly took off his shirt, like the good little MTV Heartthrob he is destined to become, but kept his pants on . . . because . . . you know . . . shrinkage . . .
Perhaps, he felt self conscious, under the watchful eye of Stiles and his XXL condom stash . . .
Trance-fied, VERY cold, and shrinkage free Isaac reveals to the rest of the wolf pack some crucial information about Boyd’s and Erika’s whereabouts . . .
. . . but also that Erika might not be so much . . . um . . . alive . . . anymore.
In other news, there appears to be another mysterious she-wolf incarcerated with Boyd . . .
As Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”
Derek Hale and Allison Argent: Break into abandoned, Alpha Pack-filled, bank with little plan or forethought? YES! Heed the warnings of others? NO!
Stiles Stilinski is my hero, not only because he’s better at doing Fake Google Searches than Allison Argent . . .
But also because he somehow managed to make the logic leap, from a picture of his dad in a newspaper article about an old bank heist, to eventually getting the old floorplans for that bank, and being able to determine exactly how the crooks broke in, all those years ago . ..
I’m telling you . . . in an alternate universe, Stiles and Derek are detectives in a crime procedural buddy cop comedy that my mom watches, after Law and Order SVU. . .
Need proof? How about this scene, where Derek proves to Stiles that he can break through a wall of concrete, simply by giving his more diminutive pal, a fist bumping high five . . .
Now, that must have been some pretty impressive fisting . . .
Not as impressive as this fisting though . . .
Yet, fisting or no fisting, Derek ultimately decides to bring Scott on his rescue mission, instead of Stiles, because “logical thinkers” tend to be major buzz kills on rescue missions . . . even logical thinkers with big weiners . . .
Allison also figures out that the Alphas are hiding Boyd and Erika in the old abandoned bank. And how just she get in, you ask? By walking in the front door, of course . . .
“That was easy.”
Hmmm . . . maybe Stiles isn’t as great of a thinker as I thought. After all, he just got bested by the girl who doesn’t know how to spell “logos.”
Boy this bank is becoming a Teen Wolf Reunion special. First, Allison runs into the school shrink from last season, who rushes her into a cleaning supply closet for her own safety. Though, honestly, I’m not really sure how safe that closet is, considering the state of Allison’s new “roommate.”
Ouch Erika . . . looking a little rough, aren’t we? Someone’s in need of a SERIOUS makeover.
What? She’s dead? NOOOOOO! Not Erika! Someone get that biker chick to jump start her nipples, like she did for Isaac?
She’s dead too? Ohhhh . . . never mind. Nice knowing ya, Wolf Barbie . . .
Talk about Bad Timing. Not two seconds after Scott and Derek arrive at the bank, do Stiles and Peter, back home, realize that the Alphas have actually lured Scott and Derek there, as part of an EEEEEVIIIIIL plan.
You see, this bank is made of some weird material that scatters moon light. And the Alphas have basically been keeping Boyd, Erika, and . . . Mystery Girl there for three months (I hope they at least let them shower), preventing them from turning into a werewolf, just so Derek’s busting through the ceiling would expose them to the moonlight, making them go super apesh*t.
That’s a whole lotta work, just to kill a couple of wolves, you probably could have just pounced on and killed on your own, right?
Except, here’s the thing . . . last week, we learned that the Alpha’s ultimate goal is to have Derek snuff out Scott, as a potential threat. And, perhaps, getting him to do that will involve manipulating Derek into joining their pack. From what we’ve learned in the past, the Alphas in this pack, all murdered members of their entire pack, in order to become part of this one. Perhaps, it was the Alpha’s intent to capture Derek’s entire pack, and make them all moon-crazed, so Derek would have to put them down, thus inadvertently rendering himself eligible for membership in the ULTIMATE Alpha Pack.
I suspect they didn’t count on Isaac getting away, or Erika . . . possibly committing suicide to save her pack, or getting mortally wounded while trying to escape to warn Derek?
I’m still guessing here. But if the pack’s ultimate goal is to strong arm Derek’s loyalty, it makes sense that the other female wolf they captured, has even stronger ties to Derek than Boyd, Erika, or even Isaac . . .
Huh . . . you say . . . but I thought Derek’s sister was DEAD?
I thought everyone in Derek’s family was dead . . . well . . . except for Derek . . . and now Peter . . . and well . . .
YOU THOUGHT WRONG!
You could just smell the sibling rivalry in the room . . . along with the ammonia from the cleaning closet, and the stench of three-month unwashed werewolves. This is going to be GOOOOD!
Boyd and . . . CORA . . . that’s her name by the way, warn Derek and Scott to leave, before they fully wolf out.
But then, someone traps them in place with a circle of MOUNTAIN ASSSSSSSHHHHHH . . .
Who would do such a thing? Who would betray our heroes?
Mrs. Morell, you traitorous hussy! And after your friend the vet worked so hard to almost kill Isaac in an ice cold bath to help him find you!
Some people just don’t know how to show gratitude . . .
Worry not, Wolf Friends. Allison, fresh out of her ammonia closet / grave is here to rescue you. She pushes aside the mountain ash, freeing those two rabid werewolves from captivity, and saving Derek and Scott from inevitable demise . . .
I mean, so what if these two end up devouring all of Beacon Hills? At least our two sexy stud muffins are safe, right? Priorities . . .
Derek, who has never exactly been one for subtlety, decides this is the perfect time to force Scott to tell Allison about that time her dearly departed mother tried to murder his ass . . . AWK-WARD. . .
“Whatchu talkin about, Derek?”
Meanwhile, back at the Martin House, Lydia wakes up screaming . . . again.
Oh no, Teen Wolf! Are you trying to tell me that this entire episode was Lydia’s dream? No? Maybe she’s upset, because she just found out they canceled Smash?
Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it. But will it call you the next day?
Poor Elena! We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers? You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .
I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .
Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode. Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking. So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .
I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.
. . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .
I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!
Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints. Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago. Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.
Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut. Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .
Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.
“Hi! I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”
Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here. I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies. And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .
. . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I liked her! (I know some fans didn’t.) It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.
Special delivery for APRIL!
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode. April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.
“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire. No, seriously. . . it’s on fire.”
HUH?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock? It’s a good thing April’s adorable. Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE. You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .
Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .
By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap? I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .
Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.” To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department. For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.
Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence. That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger. And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.
Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s. I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.
Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways. And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .
So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX . . .
This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.
And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more. I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex. I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.
I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.
And, perhaps most of all, loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”
You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode. The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius. Also genius? The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand. (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)
Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.
If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .
But that’s not all. Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact. Ah! But Tyler is not a regular vampire. He’s a hybrid. So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .
Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .
At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive. Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.
Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . . . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again. Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .
This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.
Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .
Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well. (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)
I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .
Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . . Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how, if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .
Just a thought . . .
As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . . Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .
Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.
RUH-ROH! I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .
The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly. Ummm . .. Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE! Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . . As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .
In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.
And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell. And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .
. . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .
This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .
She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl. Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .
“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says. “People said really nice things.”
Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!
Poor Adorable!April. Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .
Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns
After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead. It was a beautiful ceremony. But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .
I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention. But NOOOOO . . .
Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .
Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .
In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.
The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .
And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.
And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .
By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show. It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .
Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .
Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah. It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.” Until next time, Fangbangers!
Pop open that bottle of champagne, and start singing Auld Lang Syne, because another New Year has just begun in Atlantic City. It’s 1923. And despite the fact that some of our “old acquaintances” have gone “mysteriously missing” (R.I.P. Jimmy and Angela Darmody) . . .
Meet Gyp Rosetti. He just got a flat tire on the way to AC. To add insult to injury, now one of his henchman is sassing him, by indirectly implying that he’s an idiot for not knowing that 3-in-1 is another name for oil. (Well, I didn’t know that. Did you know that?) So, Gyp Rossetti does what any of us would do in such a situation. He beats the guy to death with a tire iron, and then “inherits” his adorable dog. Wait . . . WHAT?
We’ve all seen this kind of thing before, in mob movies . . . a scene designed to show the mobster’s volatile temperament, his mean streak, and his penchant for bashing the crap out of things with tire irons and/or bats and/or pistols. Deniro did it in The Untouchables . . .
From the moment he pulled the trigger on surrogate son, Jimmy Darmody, we all knew it was only a matter of time, before Nucky Thompson fully embraced his gangster persona. We see that persona, in full force, as we watch Nucky interrogate a rather pitiful looking thief, who had the misfortune of stealing booze from Mickey Doyle’s warehouse, while the latter was out taking a leak. “Which one of you was doing your job?” Nucky asks pointedly, in a line of questioning that alternately rewards the thief for his “work ethic,” while decrying Mickey Doyle’s inability to “keep it in his pants” until after his shift is over.
“Ooh,” we’re all thinking to ourselves. “Mickey Doyle is really going to get it this time.”
After all, this is the guy that’s been thrown off a balcony by Jimmy, and beaten within an inch of his life, by pretty much every gangster on this show. Mickey Doyle is a cat with nine lives, but he already seems to have used up at least seven of them . . .
Make that eight, because despite Nucky’s seeming respect for the thief, it wasn’t enough to keep him from having Manny Horvitz shoot the latter in the head, moments after he gave up the name of his accomplice. And Mickey? Well, it seems that he will live to be bad at his job, another day . . .
Because Jimmy Darmody would be rolling over in his grave, if he knew his kid was calling that wackadoodle “Mommy” . . .
Oh little Tommy. I’ve got some good news for you, and some bad news. The good news is that you’re a cute kid. Both of your parents were hot, and that makes you a winner of the gene lottery. Here’s some more good news. You’ve got the Best Caretaker Ever in Richard Harrow . . . a guy who, not only, will take you to the carnival, whenever you want to go, he will also win you every prize in the place, because he’s an excellent shot (more on that later).
But here’s the bad news. You’re grandmother’s a TOTAL nutbar. She’s raising you in a whorehouse, and forcing you to call her “Mommy.” You might not remember this, Tommy, but things didn’t exactly work out so well for the last guy who called Gillian Darmody “Mom.”
Here are a couple of tips for you, Tommy. Stay away from the Nutbar. Keep Harrow by your side. And emancipate yourself from the whorehouse the minute you’re old enough to buy your own juice boxes . . .
Because you knew Nucky was boning Billie Kent, the minute she drank out of his champagne glass . . .
Every good gangster has a mistress. Now, Nucky Thompson, is no exception . . .
I don’t know. I get that Margaret can be a bit of a cold fish sometimes. And I’m sure Nucky is still holding a grudge against his wife for the whole “gave my multi-million dollar tract of land to the church” thing. But I just can’t support this Billy Kent person. She just seems a bit too Lucy Danziger 2: Electric Boogaloo for my taste.
Maybe he should go a blonde, or a red head, next time . . .
Because Van Alden is getting better and better, every day, and in every way (just ask him) . . .
It’s not easy being a salesman. Just ask Arthur Miller, and now, Van Alden, who is still living under the assumed name of “George Mueller” with his baby’s caretaker, who, sometime in the past year, made a little mini-Van Alden of her own with him . . . weird.
The way to every woman’s heart, is her through her lemon . . .
Apparently, being a door-to-door iron salesman is the 1923 equivalent of telemarketing. Nobody wants your product, and everyone is constantly slamming the door in your face. Given all that, you can certainly understand why Van Alden’s “I’m great. I’m wonderful. Everybody likes me,” daily affirmations have done little to lift his spirits.
But Van Alden’s luck might just be changing, when he unwittingly saves an enemy of Al Capone’s from meeting his demise on New Year’s Eve. By way of thanking him, the proud gangster purchases no less than TWENTY FOUR of Van Alden’s ridiculous irons. (I guess they could be used as weapons . . . just ask Gyp Rosetti). Van Alden is thrilled, believing that this windfall will be enough to win him the coveted Salesman Prize, which will give him enough loot to buy the “wife and kids” a new house . . .
Unfortunately, just like Charlie Brown, Van Alden seems like one of those guy’s who’s destined to have the football pulled out from under him, just when he’s about to kick the field goal. One of the poor guy’s colleagues ends up taking the prize, based on a technicality, leaving Van Alden to shuffle home empty handed.
DOH!
Somewhere in Heaven, Agent Sebso is pumping his fist in triumph. “That’s what you get for baptize/murdering me,” he cries.
Because that little dog is your new favorite character on the show (obviously) . . .
What can I say? I’m a sucker for a cold wet nose. And as much as I would have loved to see the tough-as-nails Gyp Rosetti cuddling a cute pooch with one hand, while kicking the crap out of people with another, for an entire season, for the pup’s sake, I’m kind of glad he ended up giving the canine to Mrs. Schroeder-Thompson, toward the end of the episode. Somehow, I just can’t picture Tire-Iron Killer Guy cleaning up dog poop, and buying kibble . . .
Forget “losing ten pounds” and “exercising more,” when a gangster makes a New Year’s Resolution, lives are typically at stake, when he inevitably breaks it. And, if history is any indication, I’m thinking Al Capone’s resolution to “think first, kill later,” and Nucky’s promise to “only sell liquor to Arnold Rothstein,” aren’t going to last much past midnight on January 1st . . .
Because you’ve been secretly wishing all year that someone would invite you to a party, where they give out free gold jewelry to everyone in attendance . . .
Now, I get that the Thompson’s New Year’s Party was “Egyptian-themed.” But honestly, couldn’t they have found a cheaper way to pay homage to King Tut, than giving their 100 plus party guests gold baubles. For example, they could have dressed Driver Eddie up as a mummy, by wrapping him in toilet paper. Or they could have made everyone wear those stupid pharaoh hats.
Just sayin . . .
Because you are secretly hoping Margaret is still humping Owen Sleater, and you fear this makes you a Bad Person . . .
Right . . . because Owen’s inquiry to Margaret about whether the house needed “more champagne,” wasn’t TOO filled with sexual innuendo, was it?
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