[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders. I haven’t forgotten about you! I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing. But I’m BACK now. You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours. Thanks for your patience!]
A “fluffer” is someone whose job it is to keep porn stars “happy” prior to their . . . um . . . cinematic performances . . .
And by “happy” I mean HAPPY . . .
SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself if you didn’t see the episode. WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT? IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE! GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?
Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second. In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .
Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that. You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .
Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?
In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative. With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .
. . . a not-particularly-easy-to-assemble piece of furniture from IKEA . . .
. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless . . .
Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?
Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .
. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .
Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week. Get a load of Mulan . . .
Talk about a hardcore fluffer! I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .
Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, this happened . . .
Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there! If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP. I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship. But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!
Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery? I thought you might . . .
You’ve met Emily Thorne, right? You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke. But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?
And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .
. . . before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her, by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.
. . . because that’s not creepy at all . . .
It gets worse. Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.
Insert coin, eject Meal Ticket . . .
So, while our hero, Emily is busy cooking Bartender Dude dinner, giving him longing looks across the beach, and helping him bury his dead dog . . .
R.I.P. Sammy, the almost, but not quite, immortal dog . . .
Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven. Talk about UNFAIR!
This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection. Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?
On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.” Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.
And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .
And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .
[Hey there, Werebangers! Your recap for Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield” is on its way! It should be posted by early evening, at the latest. Thanks for your patience! :)]
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Aria both learn how “the other half lives” (and by “other half,” I mean “stinking filthy rich half”), Hanna reads a lot of really big words from a bunch of really little note cards, everybody and their brother hit on Emily, and a whole lot of people experience . . . wait for it . . . “stolen kisses.”
Technically, we’ve known the guy since the pilot episode. And yet, he is still such an enigma. I mean, sure, we know he writes crappy poetry . . . enjoys bike riding, while wearing scandalously short shorts . . .
On second thought, maybe not so short . . .
. . . keeps hairy limes in his fridge . . .
. . . and has a psychopathic ex-girlfriend named Jackie, who occasionally makes him utter serial killer lines like this . . .
But what else do we REALLY know about this ex-high school English teacher, turned ex-college professor turned . . . future “journalist?”
Actually, this week we got to add quite a few important pieces of information to our dossier entitled “Fitzy.” For instance:
(1) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 1: His last name is actually “Fitzgerald.”
You know, like the guy who wrote “The Great Gatsby,” i.e. the book about all the rich, shallow and snooty people now a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio. This actually brings me to my next point . . .
(2) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 2: He’s actually filthy rich . . . or, at least, his parents are . . .
It looks like everyone’s favorite former teacher, has been holding out a bit on Aria . . . dining on Ramen Noodles with her, and slurping generic brand soda, when they could have been eating caviar (which is, in his defense, is gross, anyway) and sipping champagne. At least this kind-of / sort of explains, the unemployed guy’s recent penchant for expensive antique cameras, and fancy cars (though, of course, the jury is still out on those). . . .
Oh, and remember that time that Fitzy picked up Aria in a limousine for their “first date” to the Philadelphia museum? Suddenly, that’s making a whole lot more sense too . . .
Of course, the discovery Fitzy’s flush finances brings about an even more interesting question. Why does he live like such a poor slob, when he can live like a royal? Yeah . . . about that . . .
(3) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 3: Fitzy’s Mommy is the Rich B*tch Mom Archetype from Every Movie or TV Show You Have Ever Seen . . .
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Rich Boy / Girl falls in love with Not-so-Rich Girl / Boy, but Rich Boy / Girl’s parents don’t approve of the relationship. So, they try to sabotage it in the only way they know how, by throwing money at the problem. It’s pretty much the least original relationship storyline ever.
And yet, this particular tale of upper class meets upper-middle class “star crossed lovers” has much less to do with why Fitzy’s family sucks so bad, and more to do with what it says about Fitzy and Aria as human beings. Those of us (myself included), who have occasionally criticized Fitzy for lacking a bit of a backbone, were undoubtedly pleasantly surprised this week, when he immediately stood up to his mother on Aria’s behalf, even if that meant shunning wealth and a family connection. So, often in these type of stories, we see the “rich love interest” caving to his or her callous family’s demands. Not so here.
On another positive note, those of us who have occasionally criticized Aria for being a bit self-absorbed, were also pleasantly surprised to see her taking to heart some of the not entirely untrue criticisms Fitzy’s mom lodged at her, during the art benefit. After all, while Fitzy did personally choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Aria, despite the risks it held for his teaching career, it must be said that had he never met or dated Aria, he’d still likely be teaching English at Rosewood. Though it came from a judgmental and manipulative source, it was refreshing seeing Aria maturely evaluate the role she is playing in Fitzy’s life. It shows just how much she really cares about him.
A third refreshing turn of events in this storyline. For once, Papa Montgomery actually wasn’t a total douchenozzle! Way to be a decent dad, by reminding your daughter that she plays a positive role in her boyfriend’s life, despite the fact that said boyfriend is someone you, personally, hate.
I’m still glad Mama Montgomery is dumping your ass for the American Pie Guy though . . .
In other relationship news . . .
If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it’s in her . . . flask?
Why is Emily’s Lost Night at the Gravesite storyline, suddenly becoming the gay girl’s version of the Hangover movies?
First she was in Jenna’s car, then she was at some diner, now, apparently she was sucking face at Paige’s house, then she may or may not have helped dig up her ex best friend’s grave. For a girl who was roofied to the point of almost unconsciousness, Emily Fields sure was a busy little beaver, wasn’t she? (No pun intended.)
Anywhoo, when Emily tries to apologizes to Paige for inadvertently drugging her into a jealous cupcake spitting rage with her Flask of Truth, she learns that Paige has been keeping a Very Big Secret from her. Apparently, on the Night that Shall Not Be Named but we are going to keep bringing it up anyway, Emily found herself on Paige’s doorstep, drugged out of her mind. This of course, did not stop Emily from sticking her tongue down Paige’s throat. And it certainly didn’t stop Paige from letting Emily stick her tongue down Paige’s throat, even though, afterward she felt incredibly guilty for doing so . . .
I know a lot of fans were kind of harsh on Paige for letting Emily make out with her, when she was so clearly not in her right state of mind. And, as many of you know, I’m far from Paige’s biggest fan, especially after the whole “Trying to Drown Emily” thing.
That said, anyone who has experienced unrequited crushing can certainly relate to how difficult it would be to stop the object of your affection from kissing you, when its something you’ve wanted for so long.
Now, I think I’d feel much differently about the situation, had Paige and Emily done more than kiss that night. But simply allowing an inebriated person to make out with you, is not a crime. Anyone who’s been to a high school or college party can tell you that.
However, Paige’s decision to hide this important information from Emily for as long as she did is a bit suspect in my eyes. Also suspect? Emily’s rationale that because she made out with Paige while nearly unconscious, she must secretly looooooove her.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in the fact that people shouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior. Being drunk might lower your inhibitions, but it doesn’t completely deprive you of control of your own mind, and bodily functions. (Well, at least most bodily functions . . .)
People who do things while drunk should not be excused from taking responsibility for them when sober.
That said, I think it’s safe to say Emily was more than just “drunk” on the night in question. And because of her state, things happened to her over which she clearly had no control. We know that a sober Emily would never have left her PLL friends to get into a car with not-blind Jenna. And she certainly wouldn’t have chosen to hover over Ali’s open, recently robbed, grave with a shovel. So, maybe, just maybe, Emily should take her actions on the Lost Night with a grain of salt . . .
“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gravedigger, but she ain’t messin’ with no corpsey corpse . . .”
Then again, had she done that, us fans wouldn’t have been treated to this awesome Olympic quality late night synchronized swimming session . . .
In which Nate gets creepier, Toby gets madder, and Caleb gets a WHOLE lot richer . . .
The obvious serial killer psychosis of Maya’s supposed cousin Nate continues to both intrigue and frighten me. If you recall, it was Nate’s idea that Emily probably acted out her subconscious desires while under the influence.
And while, as I said, his statement wasn’t entirely incorrect, Nate’s assertion that people who do “bad things” in their dreams, are the same as people who do bad things in real life sounded like a guy trying to justify his own bad acts . . . his own “murderous” acts, perhaps?
I mean, really, who besides a killer could argue that thinking about killing somebody is just as bad as actually killing somebody?
In other creepy Nate says news, Nate memorably noted that he could “totally see himself” committing murder, when he saw Garrett that day at the hospital, even going as far as saying that the Police Boy was “better of dead.” Once again, Nate seems to be attempting to rationalize away murder as something “anybody could do.”
Couple that with the guy skulking around Emily’s and Maya’s lakehouse, and hijacking Emily’s personal memories of Maya as his own (“OH! We used to do that too!”), and we are starting to get a pretty frightening picture of who this guy might be . . .
In light of the PLL girl’s recent discovery that Maya was seen getting into Police Boy’s Police Car on the day of her death, and the hints we’ve received lately, both from Mona, and Maya herself, that she “knew” a secret about Ali’s death, I have a new theory about Maya’s last moments. Wanna hear it?
Sure you do!
OK . . . so now I’m thinking that Maya found out about Ali having a murderous twin who really killed Alison, and decided to bring that information to the cops, hence her secret rendezvous with Police Boy Garrett. The only problem was that secret camp stalker boy Nate, saw these two together, and assumed they were hooking up. So, Nate kills Maya in a jealous rage, and is only too relieved when the deed is pinned on the police boy he hates . . .
Sounds pretty plausible, right?
Speaking of rages, Abs Toby is PISSED at Spencer for unwittingly making him a fellow Obstructer (Is that a real word?) of Justice regarding that whole “hit and run” thing that happened with Drunken Jason and his car . . . especially, now that Drunken Jason seems to be MIA . . .
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has another boy toy, with which to buy her time. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . CALEB!
That’s right! Hanna’s ex-beau has been logging in some serious bonding time with Rosewood favorite super sleuth, as the two worked together to crack the code of Maya’s website. (Even though we all know the password was “IMMD,” anyway!) Truth be told, Caleb and Spencer used to not really have all that much in common, considering that Spencer spent her spare time in country clubs, and Caleb slept in the school library. But now that Caleb wears $400 sweaters, and drives some fancy schmancy car, they, apparently, have plenty to talk about . . .
It’s a bit ironic that while Spencer is spending quality time with Hanna’s ex beau, Hanna ends up locking lips with one of Spencer’s. It all stars when Doctor Sexy Pants Wren approaches Hanna with the “bad” news that Mona is going to be relocated to another nuthouse, if Hanna doesn’t speak on her behalf.
Sheesh! Hanna really must be the most forgiving person ON THE PLANET. I mean, if someone tried to ruin my life, and kill ME, you could be damn sure, I wouldn’t be appearing before some medical board in a suit, talking about how much I wanted to keep that person living down the street from me, as opposed to “far, far away” where she belongs.
Ahhh . . . well, I certainly can’t blame anyone for making out with that adorable, delectable Brit. And if a relationship with Hanna, means more Wren on my TV screen, then, of course, I’m all for it.
But I have to say, I think Wren has much more chemistry with Spencer . . .
And Hanna has much more chemistry with Caleb . . .
. . . than Wren and Hanna do with one another. Does anyone else agree?
And the Password to Maya’s Super Morbid Secret Site is . . . ummm . . .
As I hinted at earlier, this week was also the week we finally got a peek at Maya’s password-locked website, which ended up somewhat of a cross between a private YouTube account, and a Facebook page, filled as it was with quirky, cute, video diaries, and a whole lot of pictures of Emily and Maya together. At this point, I suspect the series has really only scratched the surface of what sort of easter eggs the Masssugar.com site has in regard to Maya’s secrets / final days on Earth.
Of course, we got the obligatory, Morbid / Unintentionally Frightening videos you always see on the type of shows where the main characters are investigating the personal thoughts of the recently deceased. For example, Maya eerily predicting that her own website was “cursed,” and her ironic proclamation that she’s “always losing things.”
But I suspect the video that will become most important is the one of a frightened and tearful Maya (dressed in the same outfit she was wearing shortly after she came home from “camp”) talking about no longer being afraid, and finally revealing her secrets.
The question is WHAT secrets was she planning to reveal. Were they the ones about her stalker Nate? Or were they the one’s about Ali and her secret crazy twin? And were those secrets dangerous enough, that someone would kill her rather than risk having them revealed?
I suspect Marlene King and Co. are waiting for a later episode to reveal the importance of these clues. That said, since Mona DID mention them last week, and most fans picked up on them, almost immediately thereafter, I think the writers were remiss in not, at least, acknowledging there existence.
But hey, what I do I know? I’m just a lazy recapper . . .
But don’t you worry. This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉
(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care? Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.
You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift . . . like, for example, a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .
(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?
Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt. You what you should NOT bring? Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!
[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events. What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies? Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED? Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy? Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint? So many questions . . .]
It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . . .
. . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .
[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.
Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]
(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?
Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test. First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.
Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.
And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .
[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now. This ought to be interesting.]
(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area. Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?
And finally . . .
(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him. I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .
(12) This guy?
A TOTAL KEEPER.
And finally . . .
(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!
That’s all I’ve got folks. Until next time, my Pretties!
Sorry, A! It looks like we are going to have to save that request for Pretty Little Liars: Spring Break Edition . . . or at least until PLL gets picked up by HBO.
Welcome back, my Pretties! Long time, no “A.” . . .
Let’s see, it’s been five months in Rosewood Time (and about three months in Real Time) . . .
. . . since the erstwhile social pariah, turned Queen B, turned psychotic lunatic with a text-messaging addiction, Mona van der Waal donned her evil black hoodie, and evil-er raccoon eye makeup, and took a long leap into a short ditch, but, miraculously, didn’t die.
So, what have our favorite PLL’s been doing during all this supposedly A-free time? Let’s review, shall we?
Nightmare on Spencer’s Street
Nearly two years ago, to the day, the pilot episode of PLL bean with what ended up being the Worst High School Sleepover Party EVER! Sure, everything started out normal enough. There was gossip, girly pop music, ambiguous liquor being consumed out of not-so-ambiguous red cups . . .
But then Ali snuck out for a quicky with Creepy Pedo Ian, and the rest is, for lack of a better term, “history.” . . .
And how do the girls plan on commemorating the proud day when their bestie got her head bashed in by a shovel? By throwing another slumber party, of course!
We get a creepy sense of deja vu as the girls listen to Rihanna (By the way, does anybody remember what pop song was playing during the pilot?), while drinking from those all-too-familiar red plastic cups, and discussing the summer that recently passed. Emily spent her summer building homes in Haiti, where, at least according to Hanna, up to 50 people can live in one house. (If that’s true, I wonder how many bathrooms she built.) Aria and Spencer took college courses, while Hanna had an obscene amount of sex took cooking classes with Caleb.
What’s cooking, good looking?
Just to remind the fans that she (or he, or they) is still around, “A” instructs the girls, via text message, to expose their tatas to the viewing audience. Clever! Maybe the real “A” is a dude, after all . . .
In hindsight, I think the point of the text was to foreshadow that the girls were under close surveillance by at least one member of the so-called “A” team. But at the time it just made me giggle . . . you know, because they said “boobs” on the “Good Little Christian Channel” that is ABC Family . . . also, because I’m 12 . . .
Emily, who has been getting progressively drunker by the minute (By the way, Drunk Emily = My New Favorite Character on this show), thinks the whole “show your boobs” thing is a Great Idea! And if this show actually had any male fans, I suspect they would too.
Now, in most cases (with the exception, perhaps, of during Mardi Gras0, when a woman starts offering to expose herself in public, that’s a pretty good indicator that she should be cut off, liquor-wise. “Nahhhh, you just keep getting sh*tfaced,” decides Hanna.
And why not? After all Drunken Exhibitionist Emily is SOO much more fun than the mopey sober one, who whines aout Maya being dead / missing all the time.
On second thought, I may have spoken a bit too soon. In the course of about a minute, Emily morphs from being a slightly jaded, but still hilarious drunk, to a killjoy depressive drunk. (Isn’t that always how it works?) When Spencer brightly tries to engage the girls in a toast to their upcoming senior year . . .
. . . Debbie owner Emily reminds them all that Maya will never get to be a senior . . . you know, because she’s like . . . dead . . . and stuff.
(Don’t fret, Emily!) Maya DID make it to her senior year . . . about ten years ago . . . on Dawson’s Creek.
Now, it’s the middle of the night, Aria and a very hungover Hanna (Both girls must have been pretty hammered to fall asleep with their boots on . . . SOOO uncomfortable) . . .
. . . wake up to find the front door to Spencer’s home open, and both Spencer and Emily MIA.
As if on cue, Spencer rushes own the stairs to inform the girls that Emily is, in fact, gone. (Sound familiar?)
Yes, Spencer, you looked everywhere . . . including upstairs, even though the most obvious place to look for Emily was OUTSIDE considering that the DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.
And you’re supposed to be the Smart One!
Now, Spencer has always been my favorite little liar . . . after Hanna . . . and now Drunk Emily. But even I have to admit, her actions throughout this scene were SUPER SHADY with a capital “SUPER,” especially considering that she was also the first PLL to notice that the now-dead Ali was missing the summer prior.
First off, why didn’t Spencer think to call Emily’s cell phone, the minute she noticed she was missing . . . like Hanna does, just moments after she awakens. Oh wait . . . she did . . . only she blocked her number from Emily’s phone. Spencer, of course, claims to have no memory of this call. She claims that someone must have come into the house and made the call, while she was asleep. o we believe her? For now, I think we do. But it’s still mighty suspicious . . .
The Grave Mistake
Anyway, back to Drunk Emily. Now, when some people get wasted, they black out and wind up in bed with inappropriate people. Other people get waste, black out, and end up getting married at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas. Still others get wasted, black out, and wake up in a pool of their own vomit. Emily’s fate was worse than two of these options . . .
Hey, Ali. Aren’t we a little too old for Hide and Seek?
I think we can probably assume, based on what we learn later in the episode that the A-team somehow further drugged Emily, shoved her in the trunk of one of their cars (Blind Jenna’s), drove her to the cemetery, dug up the body, then pulled Emily out of the trunk of the car, handed her the shovel and drove away. That said, I’m not quite sure why Emily’s reaction to all this was to stand like a zombie over the empty coffin, still holding the shovel, from the time Hanna called her to the time the girls finally arrived at the cemetery to pick her up.
Nevertheless, the PLL girls, who’ve gotten pretty adept at cleaning up crime scenes, quickly wipe Emily’s prints off the offending shovel, and get the f*&k out of there. For some reason, and I don’t exactly recall why, the group splits up. Spencer and Emily return to Spencer’s house, to engage in a rather homoerotic exchange, in which Spencer demands that Emily strip for her, so that the former can burn her clothes, which can now be construed as evidence. (Hey! It looks like Emily got to show someone her boobs, after all!)
Elsewhere, Hanna and Aria are shocked to find a new-and-not-so-improved Lucas (now with facial hair!) lurking around town in the middle of the night. Could Lucas be a part of the mysterious “A” team?
Only time (and a few more episodes) will tell.
Anywhoo, Boss Woman Spencer unilaterally decides that the girls will all head to her creepy lakehouse (a.k.a. the place where Hanna and Caleb had sex on Spencer’s nanna’s couch), and claim to have spend the night there, thus providing them with an alibi for the grave robbing for which at least one of them looks extremely guilty . . .
You know what they say . . . if the shovel fits . . .
And it’s a good thing too, because, sure enough, the next morning, Ali’s body snatching is all across small-town news, and the girls need to have their story straight, when they are inevitably questioned by the cops about it . . .
Hmmm . . . so, let’s see. What else happened this week?
Cooking with Caleb
Hanna talked dirty to Caleb . . . something about dongs . . . or is it “dong po.” The pair cooked together, while Hanna fibbed about going to the shrink, when she’s actually been visiting Crazy Pants Mona this entire summer. Caleb, of course, assumed that Hanna spent much of her time in therapy talking about him, because, and I quote “We are intimate.”
In other news, Caleb now needs to turn in his Man Card, because, in the course of a single episode, he grocery shopped, used the word “intimate” to describe something other than underwear, and cooked a meal with a name that sounds specifically similar to a very private part of the male anatomy . . .
In which Abs Toby gives Spencer a blue shirt (and blue something else) . . .
Abs Toby is a TOTAL TEASE! First he parades around Spencer’s bedroom wet and half-naked all summer. Then he lets her wear his shirt, and DENIES HER SEX. (I’d say Toby has to turn in his Man Card too . . . but I can’t. I mean, LOOK at those abs . . .
Speaking of Spencer, I should also note that, throughout the episode she gets calls from a blocked phone number, though she seems to know exactly who’s calling each time. She keeps these calls a secret from the girls and Toby though, all of which makes her seem even more shady . . .
Eventually, we learn that those calls are actally coming from Police Boy Garrett, who seems to be using all his limited phone privileges on the little liar, who probably hates him the most. So, I guess that means conjugal visits were probably out of the question . . .
“A police boy can dream, can’t he?”
But more on those two, a bit later. First we have to talk about Aria and her “thing” with bathrooms . . .
“Hey, remember that time you and I almost banged in a dirty bar bathroom? Good times!”
Meanwhile, over in Ezria land, Fitzy cleverly decides to remind Aria that this day is not just the day her friend’s rotten decaying corpse was stolen from the ground . . . nor is it the anniversary of the day that same friend was bludgeoned to death . . . it’s also the anniversary of the day the two of them met in a bar, and, moments later, almost got VD by banging in a dirty bar bathroom . . .
Anywhoo Aria’s and Fitzy’s plans to “Recreate the Date” of their first public restroom screw, are foiled when Aria gets called in by the cops for questioning about the disappearance of Ali’s body. Mommy is there, when Aria’s finished. And she has some not-so-kind words to say to Fitzy, while Aria’s isn’t around to hear them.
(Did I mention that Mommy Montgomery and Daddy Montgomery are getting a divorce? At least we won’t have to watch them making out anymore. Yuck.) Nevertheless, the two Aria lovers manage to retract their claws temporarily for Aria’s sake, and even agree to a sit down dinner date. How very mature of them all . . . even the underage one . . .
OMG! Psych Ward Mona is creepy. Why the heck would Hanna . . . WREEEEEENNNNN!
In slightly less happy couple news, Hanna just can’t seem to “quit” Mona, even though the latter pretty much ruined her entire life, and possibly tried to have her killed on more than one occasion. Unbeknownst to the rest of the PLL girls (though she eventually comes clean later in the episode), she’s been visiting the wackadoo at what appears to be the psych ward from Every Bad Horror Movie Ever . . . all the way down to the pee-colored yellow walls, saggy beds, and, of course, dirty chairs. Hang out too long in a place like this, and if you aren’t already crazy, you’ll be there in a month or so . . .
“Mona, girlfriend. You’ve gotta cut those split ends from your hair. And the big baggy white nuthouse nightgown look is SOOOO last season.”
I’ve seen toilet bowl seats that were cleaner than this . . .
So as not to clue anyone from town into her visits, Hanna’s been seeing Mona under a fake last name . . . wait for it . . . Rivers. I guess Caleb Rivers would probably be amused to know this . . . after all, the two ARE “intimate” . . .
Of all the PLL girls, Hanna was, by far, the closest to Mona. She truly considered the girl a friend, having confided many secrets in her, as the pair traveled the ranks of popularity together.
This makes Mona’s betrayal wound Hanna much deeper than the other girls. And so she finds herself in desperate need of closure. She needs to know why.
Unfortunately for Hanna, Mona isn’t exactly in the closure-giving mood, lately. Rather, she is in the stare at the wall blankly and drool mood. In fact, the only time we get any sort of reaction from Mona, is the SUPER CREEPY smile she gets on her face when she hallucinates “Ali” reading Lolita, in the chair behind Hanna.
Is Mona for real? Is she faking it? There’s one scene in the episode, in which Mona rises to watch Hanna converse with the doctors and nurses outside Mona’s door, that seems to suggest that is exactly what she is doing.
But one thing is for sure, Mona didn’t act alone as “A.” In fact, the girls can pinpoint at least two times during which Mona COULDN’T have done the things that “A” did. One of them was the time “A” snuck into Emily’s spa session and massaged her. (Mona was with Hanna at the time.) The second one was moving Ian’s hanging body from the bell tower.
“Just hanging out.”
Mona simply isn’t strong enough for that. The question, of course, is who was helping Mona complete these tasks, and more importantly why. The seeming lack of motive for these torture sessions are the most confusing thing about them.
But enough about that. Let’s talk about WREEEENNNNNNN!
Wren’s position as the Only Doctor in Rosewood, apparently extend to psych wards. (When does this guy sleep?) For a guy with romantic feelings for Spencer, Wren seems oddly invested in Mona’s fate, even going as far as to personally call Hanna on the phone to ensure that she continues visiting the looney tune.
Next week, we’ll learn that Wren’s father suffered from mental illness (schizophrenia, perhaps?). I have to say, I kind of love the writers for taking the time to explore, and provide a back story for this seemingly side character . . . And not just because he’s super hot, and has an adorable accent . . . well, maybe 95% of my interest has to do with that. But the last 5% is totally intellectual, I swear! 😉
Speaking of the boys of PLL, what’s the deal with Lucas? I used to ship him with Hanna. And now, all the sudden, much like Mona, he’s wandering around town disaffected and zombified. (Perhaps, being part of the A-team means becoming a zombie. That would be an interesting supernatural twist on this mystery, wouldn’t it?)
That said, I have to say, the black clothes, and slight facial hair, really work for this guy. He looks so dark and tortured now. Sexy . . .
Why Emily needs Ginko-Baloba
Speaking of people who have been a little off lately, Emily definitely seems to be going off the rails a bit. On registration day at school, she hangs back from the girls, staring at the longingly from outside the school.
(What’s with all the creepy staring in this episode?)
Upon meeting with her old pal, and sort-of/kind of erstwhile boyfriend, Abs Toby, Emily admits to having developed quite the little drinking problem over the summer. In fact, the opening scene of the episode, is far from the first time she’s blacked out, “lost time,” and awoken to find that she’s done something she wouldn’t normally do . . . you know, like have sex with inappropriate people, get married in Vegas, or sleep in your own vomit.
Abs Toby, being Abs Toby is super supportive, and not-at-all judgmental of Emily, which is exactly what she needs right now. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is . . . a drunk, who’s sometimes slutty, and possibly enjoys digging up dead bodies, just as much as she enjoys building homes in Haiti.
Back at home, we see that much of Emily’s problem is that she still really hasn’t adjusted to Maya’s disappearance. We watch as she sadly wraps one of Maya’s picture, with a scarf the latter gave her, back when the two started dating.
In brighter news, Emily’s memory from at least one of her drunken blackout moments seems to be coming back to her. Out for a head-clearing jog, Emily sees a car (It’s actually the same one we saw the no longer blind Jenna driving, back in the season finale.) . . .
. . . and distinctly remembers being stuck in it’s trunk on the night of the grave robbing. She’ll get her answers yet. If she can stop getting wasted long enough to comprehend them . . .
In which Police Boy Garrett begs for Spencer’s help, upon learning that all those rumors about jailhouses and dropped soap are 100% true.
Speaking of wasted, Police Boy Garrett is in bad shape. The guy who used to bone both Blind Jenna, and B*tch Sister Melissa, positively reeks of desperation, when Spencer visits him in his jail cell, after he’s called her phone about a dozen times from the pokey. One sight that Police Boy is in trouble, the new hairdo . . . it’s kind of sexy, in a badass sort of way. And if I like it, you can be assured that the other inmates do too, if you catch my drift.
Watch out, Police Boy. I hear some of your cell mates are really big fans of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Apparently, Police Boy’s defense lawyers had just petitioned the exhumation of Ali’s body, claiming that something on her year-long rotted corpse could prove his innocence. This means that the “A” team in which he used to be a part, severely betrayed him by taking the body, quite possibly to protect themselves. It puts him in a unique position to help the PLL girls, if they trust him enough to let him. Police Boy Garrett tries to bargain with Spencer. He’ll tell her what she knows, if she gets her mother to help with his defense. You know, because Spencer’s mom is “the best lawyer in the country,” or something.
“In the words of Harvey Levin from TMZ, I’m a lawyer!”
Understandably, Spencer isn’t too thrilled about helping the guy who almost got HER put behind bars for the exact same murder. And yet, as she leaves the jail cell, there is something Police Boy Garrett say that gives her pause . . .
He doesn’t know crap about Maya though, who he also supposedly killed. I’m starting to think her death/disappearance might be completely unrelated to this whole “A” thing . . .
Field Trip to Creepo Motel
In other keeping secrets news, we learn that Spencer’s has been spending her spare time visiting, and trying to recreate “A’s” lair, which we got to see in last season’s finale. Apparently, the place had been cleared out, pretty much instantaneously upon Mona’s arrest, and not by the cops either. Spencer immediately suspects the highly suspicious chick who dressed up the black swan at the girls’ junior prom. You know, because everyone knows the Black Swan is ALWAYS NUTS!
Toward the end of the episode, the girls decide to take a little trip down to the place, to see what they can remember. But when they emerge from the hotel, they have a little surprise waiting for them . . .
Ending episode scenes of PLL have always been my favorite parts of the episode, and this one is no exception. You’ve really gotta love the CRAZY of these A people. We find the car the PLL girls arrived in, open on all sides and positively littered with incriminating images of the girls at the cemetery the night of Ali’s grave robbing. Once again, “A” appears to be all places at all times. And if the message she (or he, or they) delivers to the girls at the end of the episode is any indication, New A means serious business. “Mona played with dolls. I play with body parts. Game on, b*tches. – A.”
Quite a leap, from “Show me your boobs, right?”
Next week on PLL . . . (By the way, as always, the Canadian promo is about ten times better than the American one. What gives, USA?)
[Brief note: This post is simply a “review of” and “reaction to” “UnmAsked.” A full recap will follow . . . eventually. :)]
Strait jackets . . . all the cool psychopaths are wearing them . . .
Greetings, my Pretties! This week, PLL wrapped up its sophomore season with a season finale that was arguably as polarizing as “A” herself. Thousands of frustrated fans flooded the message boards, Twitter, and YouTube to express their discontent with the way the season concluded.
Meanwhile, others rushed to defend the controversial choices made by the writers and producers.
The source of this controversy, of course, was the identity of “A” . . . the technologically savvy, ridiculously snarky, and seemingly omniscient super villain, who had been torturing the titular Pretty Little Liars, since the pilot episode.
And while I suspect a large number of fans were surprised by the reveal, it wasn’t necessarily for the reasons the writers intended . . .
Truth be told, this was far from the first time a television series that had been based on a book series chose to remain faithful to some of those novels’ main plot points. Many television shows have successfully done this, without provoking the inevitable ire of the fandom. Back in 2008, True Blood was applauded for its faithfulness to the murder mystery storyline that comprised the first book of the Sookie Stackhouse book series (serial killer included).
A season later, they were applauded again for creatively diverting from those same books, in order to save the life of a beloved character, who notoriously met his demise on the first few pages of the series’ second novel.
More recently, in 2011, the producers of Game of Thrones received critical acclaim for their almost slavish loyalty to the book series on which it was based. Critics particularly appreciated the show’s courageous decapitation of the show’s main character, a moral and mostly likeable protagonist, who also happened to be played by a rather well-known and popular actor.
So what made PLL the high school outcast of this group?
The difference in this situation, I think, was that the producers, writers, and cast of PLL failed to properly manage expectations regarding what viewers could expect to see in the season’s final episode. In what was undoubtedly an attempt at last-minute damage control, Pretty Little Liars showrunner, Marlene King, assured fans that she had never explicitly told fans that the identity of “A” would be different from who it was in the books. And yet, when countless articles, and press releases, like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE posited this very theory as stemming directly from King, herself, she never exactly disabused fans of this notion, either.
So, when Mona van der Waal acted so RIDICULOUSLY guilty, throughout the show’s second season, that she all but wore a neon sign on her back that said, “I AM A,” recappers and reviewers, like myself, pointedly avoided listing her as our main suspect, simply because we took for granted the fact that the writers weren’t going to go there.
So, when they did, in fact, go there, we couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed and betrayed.
And that’s a shame, because it undermined the integrity of what was, by many other respects, a pretty solid finale episode.
Truth be told, of all the possible “A” suspects — with the exception of, perhaps, Not-so-Blind Jenna, and maybe Lucas — Mona had the best motive to be “A.” After all, she had been shamelessly tortured by Ali throughout most of high school, while the rest of the PLL girls stood idly by, and let it happen.
To make matters worse, Hanna, Mona’s self-proclaimed “one true friend,” has been noticeably distant from Mona, throughout the series, consistently ditching her to engage in “A-Sleuthing” with the rest of the liars . . . (of course, it could be argued that Hanna’s recent absence from her life was actually MONA’S fault).
And yet, I would have liked to see the producers push the boundaries a bit, by not necessarily going with the most obvious choice for “A.”
We’ve seen the writers take chances like this, earlier in the series, in a number of ways: by introducing new characters, who weren’t in the books, choosing not to kill characters who died in the books, and, in one particular instance, killing a character who DID survive the series. So, why not do it again, in this instance, by changing the identity of “A” to someone unexpected . . . someone who seemed a bit less . . . for lack of a better term . . . shady?
Or, conversely, I would have liked for the writers to simply be honest about the direction in which the story was headed, by saying something like this: “There are some aspects of the television series that pay homage to the books. But even faithful book readers will find some surprises in store for them in the season finale.”
This, at least, is a true, and non-misleading, statement. After all, the finale DID have some surprises contained within it, even for fans of the book series . . .
Unlike a lot of other series’ season finales, which tend to be slow-moving and uneventful, until the last ten minutes of the episode, “UnmAsked” definitely FELT like a season finale. The episode moved a long at a brisk pace, throughout the hour.
And the genuinely creepy locales where the drama unfolded . . . for example, the Psycho-inspired motel (complete with its very own Norman Bates, lookalike) and accompanying Shower Scene . . .
. . . all had something to cheer about, when the aforementioned couples each received their respective Happily Ever Afters Nows, this week.
Of course, I still wanted my Wren to make an appearance . . . (Damn you, writers! DAMN YOU!)
And while the episode did answer some of the major questions plaguing fans throughout the series, it also presented us with plenty of new ones to get us excited for the upcoming third season (which is set to premiere this summer). Here are just some of the questions that were swimming around my head, after “UnmAsked” concluded:
(And why didn’t Spencer “join it,” when she was given the chance? I mean, wouldn’t that have been the perfect way to keep your ENEMIES CLOSER?)
(2) Which mysterious female dressed as The Black Swan at the Masquerade Ball?
(3) Who was Not-so-Blind Jenna talking to in the park, and what mysterious item did she give her (because it looked much too small to be the Black Swan costume)? And WHEN DID SHE GET HER DRIVER’S LICENSE?
(4) What the F is the deal between Abs Toby and Dr. Sullivan (a.k.a. as the lame shrink who got scared out of town by an eighty pound high schooler? Is he her son, or what? How much did they know about what was going on? And why was it necessary for Toby to “pretend he didn’t love Spencer?”
(5) Who exactly was the creepy chick with the red dess and gold mask at the Masquerade Ball?
And was she the same creepy chick who visited Mona in the loony bin, at the end of the episode?
(6) Does Mona’s have Supernatural Powers, which enabled her to BEAT UP Spencer and Emily, on separate occasions, and CARRY SPENCER INTO A CAR? (Oh and how lame was Dr. Sullivan’s explanation of her PSYCHOSIS? How exactly does being a psychopath, make you seem omniscient to OTHER PEOPLE? Where exactly did this b*tch go to shrink school anyway, Dunkin Donuts?)
(7) Did the flashback featuring Mona and “Ali” dressed as Vivian Darkbloom actually happen? Did “Ali” really not pick up the phone, when Mona called her, like Mona said? Or was being “A” the price Mona paid for her so-called popularity?
(8)Who killed Maya (assuming Maya is actually dead) and why?
(9) And, perhaps, most importantly, “WHERE’S MY WREN?”
So, tell me, my Pretties, what were your thoughts on the Season 2 finale? Were you disappointed that Mona was “A?” What are your expectations for next season, in light of some of the cliffhangers / new mysteries introduced here? Feel free to vent to your heart’s content, in the comment section below. I’ll see you there!
Thank you, PLL, for reawakening my childhood fear of being murdered in my sleep by my neighbor’s Ugly Doll Collection . . .
Greetings, my Pretties! This week’s installment of PLL was definitely not for the faint of heart. It featured ghosts . . . things that go bump in the night . . . ugly evil demon dolls . . . ugly evil demon kids . . . old ladies that talk like the witch from The Wizard of Oz . . . one VERY dead fly, the sister from hell, and worst of all, MONA KISSING CALEB!
But those of you who watched the episode hidden behind pillows, or with your hands covering your eyes, did so at your peril. After all, next week’s episode features A’s big reveal. And that means this one was chock full of clues as to his or her true identity. So, be brave, my Pretties. And follow me toward another Pretty Little Recap . . .
Oh, dear, sweet, sexy accented Dr. Wren! Not only are you insanely easy on the eyes, you also dole out the GOOD pain meds to your girlfriends . . . even though the only injury they’ve suffered recently is getting a few sprigs of glass in their palms.
“Your love is my drug, Doctor . . .”
We begin this episode with the usually-uber-alert Spencer, passed out and drooling, on the Hastings’ living room couch. Suddenly, there is a loud crash in the living room, followed by the sound of someone noisily thumbing through Spencer’s purse. As it turns out, that someone just so happens to be Dead Ali (who we would expect to be a lot more stealthy, given all we know about her).
Not to mention the fact that . . . oh, I don’t know . . . she’s DEAD!
This is actually the third time we’ve seen Ali appear to one of the girls, while they are in a “less than sober” state. The first time we experienced this was with Hanna, when she was in the hospital, after having been hit by A’s car.
The second time, it was Emily’s turn, when “A” locked her in a garage, and she asphixiated on the fumes. (Don’t be surprised if Aria ends up with a concussion, next week, after some rough sex with Fitzy goes south, so that she can see Ali too . . .)
What’s intriguing about all these Beyond the Grave exchanges is that, as the viewer, you are never 100% sure they are the hallucination they claim to be. After all, following these sequences, Ali always seems to leave the “sleeper” in question, with some sort of souvenir of her presence. And yet, since the Liar in question believes herself to be dreaming, she never gets the opportunity to ask “Ali” the questions she would likely ask her, had she encountered her in a more lucid state.
Take for example Spencer, our resident super sleuth. She is so frustratingly dense, during this exchange with Ali, I nearly threw my shoe at the television.
And because she failed to ask “Ali” a single pertinent question, throughout the entire exchange, it was up to Ali, herself, to offer the cryptic comments and clues we will inevitably be analyzing, this week. Proponents of the “Melissa is A” theory, will undoubtedly harp on Ali’s comment that Spencer “deserves a good sister,” thereby not-so-subtly implying that Melissa is NOT one. Well, I could have told you that . . .
Best . . . sister . . . EVER!
And yet, merely being a horrible person, with a terrible personality, and few redeeming qualities, doesn’t necessarily make you a murderer . . . nor does it make you a relentless stalker of your little sister and her friends. Does it?
More intriguing, to me, anyway, was THIS comment . . .
I thought Ali’s choice of the word “parked” was a rather unusual one. It’s just not the type of phrasing you would expect a teen like Ali to use . . . It’s kind of old-fashioned, and, for lack of a better term, “nerdy.” Given that, I can’t help put think that Ali used the word “parked” specifically to make reference to a certain car . . .
The most obvious car reference would seem to point to Police Boy Garrett, who’s car was most recently spotted in front of Not-so-Blind Jenna’s house, and has literally seemed to follow Spencer everywhere she goes this season. But it also could be referring to the car Spence purchased for Toby. If you recall, Toby returned this car to Spencer’s driveway, when he left town. And, as far as we know, he hasn’t retrieved it yet.
Another car that played a major role in the series was the one that hit Hanna at Mona’s party, back in Season 1. And of course, we can’t forget Fitzy’s car, site for many a passionate make out session, throughout the course of the show . . .
Ali’s parting words to Spencer were that she was “getting warmer,” which I guess, after two season of seemingly endless wrong turns, on Spencer’s part, regarding this mystery, must be nice to hear.
I mentioned earlier that Ali always seems to leave something behind following these “dream sequences,” that causes the Little Liar, as well as the viewer to question whether the scene actually occurred in real life. This time, however, it wasn’t what Ali LEFT BEHIND that was important, but, rather, what she took. Presumably, Spencer’s pain medications were in her purse when she fell asleep. And yet, when she wakes up, not only are they on the counter in front of her, they also seem to be a couple of pills short. Oh Ali . . . don’t you know abusing drugs could kill you? Er . . . nevermind . . . pill pop away, Pretty Little Corpse . . .
In which Emily, Hanna, and Aria’s parents all get BUSTED . . .
It’s a bad day for being sneaky, this week, on PLL . . . a lesson Emily, Hanna and Aria’s parents all learn the hard way, when they try unsuccessfully to hide pertinent information from their friends and lovers. First up is Emily, who receives an angry, “How could you rat me out to my parents?” type text from the still-missing Maya.
OK . . . now I’m positive something is fishy about her disappearance. First of all, how would Maya know that Emily had contacted her parents, if said parents had no way of reaching her, since even Emily couldn’t pinpoint her exact location? Second of all, why is Maya texting Emily from her own cell phone? Isn’t she the least bit concerned that Emily will trace the call, and tell her parents exactly where she’s hiding? It just seems odd that Maya felt the need to send an e-mail from an “Undisclosed Sender,” and yet seems more than willing to use her actual phone to send a text.
My theory? “A” has Maya’s cell phone, and she’s been the one sending messages to Emily. But, if that’s true, where’s Maya?
Speaking of cell phones, Hanna gets busted for disobeying her mother’s implied “no cell phone” rule, when she stupidly fails to keep the darn thing on vibrate, while hanging out in the Marin kitchen . . . with her mother.
Hey, nobody ever said Hanna was the sharpest tool in the shed, right? I have to say, for a character who’s supposedly “good at lying,” Hanna really botched this one. It would have been easy for her to simply say she had been holding on to a friend’s phone, and forgot to return it. But instead, her excuse is, “Mona needs to keep in touch with me?”
Well . . . I guess that one’s actually kind of true . . . particularly, if Mona ends up being “A,” which I really hope she isn’t, because BOOOO-RRRING.
And yet, as annoyed as Mama Marin might be with her daughter’s deception, she can’t quite justify confiscating a phone for which she (1) didn’t pay for; and (2) isn’t footing the monthly bill. So, instead, Mama Marin simply rolls her eyes, mutters under her breath, and sends her daughter off to school.
In other parental unit news, Aria inadvertently learns her parents want to ship her off to a Fitzy-free boarding school in Vermont, upon finding a telltale application on her mother’s desk, at school. Understandably, the littlest liar is livid.
You could feel the tension in the Montgomery home, as Aria clomps around in her wedge shoes, passive aggressively avoiding her mother’s attempts at casual conversation.
Now, while Aria might be the best liar of the foursome, she’s definitely not the most adept at hiding her feelings. So, of course, it isn’t long before the pint-sized brunette is letting Mommy Dearest know exactly what she thinks about the whole “let’s ship Aria off to boarding school” plan. It’s a terrible idea. And I think, deep down both of Aria’s parents know it. Even if we take at face value Mama Montgomery’s statement that the decision was not based solely on Aria’s determination to continue dating Fitzy, applying for a school a thousand miles away, isn’t exactly the kind of thing you do for a sixteen year old, without broaching the matter with her first.
While I think most PLL fans agreed wholeheartedly with Aria that her parents were in the wrong, in terms of how they addressed this situation, I was surprised by how divided the fanbase was, regarding how Aria ultimately responded. In a move that would have made Expert Blackmailer “A” proud, Aria venomously threatened to expose her father’s erstwhile affair with a student, should the Montgomerys decide to actually ship her off to boarding school.
Having perused the message boards a bit, following the episode, I noticed that while a good number of you applauded Aria for standing up to her parents, and blatantly exposing their hypocrisy (particularly her father’s).
There was also an equal number of you who thought Aria took things much too far. You were shocked by her seeming willingness to put her boyfriend before her father’s career, and her family’s financial stability.
In Aria’s defense, I don’t think Aria had any intention of actually ratting out her father . . . just as I don’t think Aria’s parents would have ever gone through with their plans to ship her off to boarding school, without first discussing the matter with her. Rather, I think Aria made her threat predominately out of anger, and also as a way of making herself be heard, by two people (again more-so her father than her mother) who have made a habit out of not listening to her point of view.
*insert hissing noise*
Regardless of Aria’s true intentions, the Montgomery’s were clearly crushed by what they viewed as their daughter’s betrayal. Mama Montgomery even went so far as to say she was ASHAMED of Aria, which, as any one who has a parent can tell you, is about the most hurtful thing a parent can say to his or her kid.
Throughout these past two seasons, the Montgomery family’s relationships with one another have continuously disintegrated. What we have now is a family in crisis . . .
But hey, at least we’re getting laid, right? 😉
To catch a predator (by making out with your best friend’s boyfriend) . . .
Oh Mona! If you are going to go through the trouble of sending yourself fake text messages from “A” (which most of us assume is what she’s doing, whether or not it’s because she’s actually “A” herself, or simply out of desperation to be the unofficial fifth liar), the least you could do is make them seem moderately realistic.
Why would “A” suddenly decide to use MONA to break up Hanna and Caleb? It just doesn’t seem to be A’s style, especially when it would be much more mentally devastating to blackmail one of the other girls to do it, or, better yet, force Hanna to do it herself, as “A” had previously done with Spencer and Toby.
I also find it increasingly odd that, despite Mona’s increasingly erratic behavior, not one of the girls has ever suspected her of being “A.” This is particularly strange, when you consider how practically everybody else in Rosewood has earned a slot on the suspect list, at least once, including family members and significant others of most, if not, all of the liars. I would have at least expected Spencer to consider the possibility. She usually suspects EVERYBODY! Those pain medications must really be dulling her senses . . .
I blame the evil horse sweater . . .
Perhaps the reason the girls are all missing the neon pink flashing, “I’m a Suspect!” sign over Mona’s head is because Spencer’s sister, Crazy Nanny Carrie has been acting SOOOO frigging guilty. When Spencer finally confronts her with that video of her storming around Ali’s room, just hours before the dead girl’s demise, Melissa really has nothing to say in her own defense, aside from, (1)”Well, EVERYONE wanted Ali dead so . . .,” and (2) I’ve got dirty videos of you b*tches too, so F-U.”
It’s not exactly a rousing defense. So, when Mona conveniently suggests that she make out with Caleb in front of Melissa, to see if she takes the bait, and text the info to Hanna, the rest of the girls blindly go along with it . . . even though poor Caleb looks like he’d rather make out with the old lady from that denture commercial. “We are doing this for Hanna,” says Mona solemnly, before aggressively raping Caleb’s face with her tongue.
Poor Caleb! He was so horrified by the experience, he literally bolted from the car, and walked home alone. This, of course, gave Mona . . . er . . . I’m sorry, I mean “A” . . . the perfect opportunity to text Hanna the “bad news.” (Don’t you think the real “A” would have at least sent a picture as proof?)
Moments later, Mona’s back at Hanna’s house, supposedly wanting to shower the so-called “ickiness” of Caleb off of her body. Sure you do, Mona . . . sure you do . . .
Upon learning that Ali communicated with “A” via the classifieds, and may or may not have met her in front of that Creepy Doll Hospital, before she died, the girls decide to take a little field trip there. When they arrive there’s a creepy kid staring at that from the window, who must have been cast in this role, because he is the perfect mixture of (1) the kid from The Sixth Sense; (2) the kid from The Shining; and (3) a Chucky doll come to life.
As for the owner of the hospital, she’s just some old lady. (Old ladies are scary too!)
When the girls question the Old Lady about the voodoo doll in the window (the same one “A” sent Ali), she claims not to sell them.
She’s also rather cagey regarding whether or not she keeps records of prior doll purchases. And while Old Lady doesn’t seem to be particularly forthcoming with information, Creepy Kid Seth is just a fountain of knowledge. Claiming to have some sort of “Sixth Sense” about people, Creepy Kid Seth reports meeting with Ali prior to her death. He even knows exactly how she died, despite the fact that the cause of her death was not recorded in the papers.
But the most intriguing piece of information of all that Creepy Kid Seth offers the PLL girls is that a “dark-haired couple” was out to hurt Ali. Now, of course, a “dark haired couple” could refer to any number of pairings on this show. (And I’ll list them all, in just a bit.) But Creepy Kid Seth eliminates one pair from the suspect list right away (Blind? Jenna and Policeboy Garrett) by assuring the PLL girls that “the girl is not blind.” (Or DOES he?)
Other couples that fit Creepy Kid Seth’s description, and, might have been out to hurt Ali include:
Melissa and Dead Pedo Ian (Creepy Kid Seth specifically noted that the female had hair like Spencer’s.)
Melissa and Policeboy Garrett
Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel
Mona and Lucas
Jenna and Toby (though Toby’s hair seems more reddish than dark)
Maya and Noel
Fitzy and Jackie
Fitzy and Aria (Don’t kill me. I’m just mentioning all the possibilities here . . .)
“Vivian Darkbloom” (i.e. Ali’s twin) and . . . Dead Pedo Ian or Duncan Donuts?
Well, now that narrows things down, doesn’t it?
To see, or not to see . . .
I mentioned earlier that Creepy Kid Seth’s assertion that the female in the couple wanting to hurt Ali was not blind, may or may not exclude Blind Jenna from the list of suspects. I say this because Jenna’s blindness has been a subject of debate among PLL fans, ever since that time when she used a mirror to put on her lipstick. And yet, faking eye surgery would be a pretty tough feat to pull off.
Jenna’s blindness gets called into question again, when she takes off the bandages from her post-surgical eye, this week, and immediately erupts into tears. Toby, of course, assumes the worst, and moves to comfort his step sister. But we never get to hear Jenna’s response.
At school, the following day, Hanna, never one to beat around the bush, asks Jenna right up front whether or not she can see.
This time, she pretty explicitly states that the operation was a failure. Yet, according to Jenna, the mental clarity she gained from this experience has convinced her to “forgive the girls” their Jenna thing, in hopes that the former enemies can move past their grudges and hatred for one another. Do we believe her when she says this? Perhaps, more importantly, do we believe her when she says this?
I don’t know about you, but I was definitely fearing Jenna, toward the end of the episode, when she shocked everyone, by aggressively killing a fly on her window, wiped it off with a tissues, and winked at the camera . . . her sight clearly restored.
The question is, how long has Not-so-Blind Jenna been able to see. Has she been playing us all along, as many suspected? Was she actually blind, but regained her sight, as a result of the operation? (And if so, why is she lying to the girls, and possibly Toby?) Another possibility is that Not-so-Blind Jenna wasn’t lying at all to the girls. She merely hadn’t fully regained her sight until the end of the episode.
I suspect we’ll learn the answer to this question, next week. But, of course, I’d be eager to hear your theories on the subject . . .
Another intriguing thing Jenna does this week is turn the infamous Page 5 of the Autopsy report in to the police. She plays dumb as to its contents, when broaching the matter with Toby. But, by the end of the episode, it’s pretty clear she knows exactly what’s on them, and WHO they will incriminate in Ali’s murder . . .
To screw, or not to screw . . .
Throughout most of the episode, Aria and Fitzy still find themselves walking on egg shells around one another, as Fitzy nervously awaits the fallout from his decision not to take the Associate Dean position in Louisianna. He expects the worst, and gets it, when the class he teaches is mysteriously ripped from the college curriculum. (I thought he just taught Freshman English? How does a college take Freshman English off its curriculum?)
Fitzy and Aria are certain that this is Evil Papa Montgomery’s doing. But I’m not sure how realistic that is . . . I mean, it’s one thing for a popular professor to have enough influence on the university to help someone get a job; it’s quite another for that same popular professor to have enough influence to COMPLETELY CHANGE THE COURSES THAT THE COLLEGE OFFERS.
Anyway, long story short, Fitzy and Aria finally bang one another, on that darn couch Fitzy loves so much . . . a little detail that I found surprisingly fitting.
Their “Sex Song” was a really awesome cover of Wicked Games . . . the epitome of sex songs, in my humble opinion. It’s white hot! (I also really liked the lace tank top Aria was wearing pre-bone. Does anyone know where I could get me one of those?) But is it really goodbye sex? Only time will tell . . .
Welcome to the Dollhouse . . .
While Aria is cashing in that much-abused V-card, the rest of the PLL girls are heading back to the Creepy Doll Hospital to show “I See Dead People” Seth a video of Melissa, in hopes that he could possibly ID her as the dark-haired woman who “wants to hurt Ali.” Unfortunately, when they arrive at the “Hospital,” no one is there . . . or are they. Not two seconds after the girls enter the place, a doll starts eerily chanting “Follow me . . . end up like me,” over and over again. (I’m not going to lie, I almost peed my pants.)
As the girls move through the dark corridors of the place, we see a pair of eyes follow them, from beneath one of the dolls . . . or is it a mask?
The voice they hear is coming from a closed cabinet. And when they open it . . . ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE . . .
As if the dead Ali doll recreation wasn’t frightening enough, the whole place literally starts falling down around them, as the girls run screaming from the exit. Can you blame them?
Now, I don’t know about you. But if I had just got home from that Doll House of Horrors, the absolute last thing I would want to do is go searching through some creepy dead girl’s bag in the home of her possible killer, Crazy Nanny Carrie. (They’ve decided to turn it over to the police, after all.) And yet, that’s exactly what the girls are doing, when they hear Melissa, herself, and Policeboy Garrett enter the home from the kitchen. Did I mention they are tonguing one another? (Crazy Melissa SURE DOES get around! Oh, and Policeboy Garrett seems to have recovered from being dumped by Jenna pretty quickly.)
Then again, he got a very early start . . .
In just one of the many shocking twists of the evening, both the Gross Makeout Couple, and the girls are interrupted from their machinations, by a knock on the door. It’s the police . . . they’ve come to arrest Policeboy Garrett . . . the question is why? My first thought, was that they were going to bring him in for questioning regarding the fire at Jenna’s house, or Maya’s disappearance. After all, it did appear to be his police badge that “A” planted right outside, Facelift Vampire Jason’s recently exploded house.
And yet, Policeboy Garrett actually ends up being arrested for Ali’s murder . . . which likely means that something on Page 5 of the autopsy report Jenna turned into the police, coupled with additional evidence, served to incriminate him . . .
EXCEPT, WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DARN THING SAID!!!
In the final moments of the episode, “A” is seeing paying off both the Old Lady and Creepy Kid Seth for their “work” at the Doll Hospital, thereby calling into question everything they said earlier on in the episode, including the whole “Dark-haired couple” comment . . . which basically leaves us back at square one, in terms of suspects. Brilliant . . .
Next week on PLL, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives . . .
Greeting, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got a deeper glimpse into “Vivian Darkbloom’s” past. In other news, Blind Jenna got a wicked eye patch, Fitzy got a bit testy with the parental units, and Facelift Vampire Jason’s home underwent some “explosive” renovations. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Spencer and all the awesome eye sex she got to have this week. It’s a good thing retinas can’t get pregnant . . .
They can’t . . . I promise!
So, hop into that rickety plane with a complete stranger, and hold on to your music box, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
So, remember that cute little cupcake shop, where “A” COMPLETELY BRUTALIZED Hanna, by forcing her to eat a vomit-inducing amount of little piggy-shaped cupcakes, in front of a crowd of judgmental jocks? Well, apparently, Hanna was not quite as traumatized by that moment as I would be.
(Let’s not forget, this is a girl who’s already been HIT BY A CAR, ARRESTED AS A SUSPECT IN HER “BEST” FRIEND’S MURDER, and almost DROWNED IN A LAKE. It’s entirely understandable that our ideas regarding what’s considered “traumatizing” would differ.) After all, the episode opens with Hanna enjoying a CUPCAKE (not pig-shaped) with her fellow little liars at that very same sweets shop.
As the girls pretend to eat cupcakes, and chat, we learn a bit more about the Anonymous Hot Guy who mistook Aria for “Vivian Darkbloom” at the end of last week’s episode. It turns out, his name is “Duncan.” He has a last name, but since I wasn’t paying attention when it was referenced, I’m just going to call him Duncan Donuts, OK?
“You can trust me, because I dress like I’m 75.”
So, apparently, Duncan Donuts and Vivian Darkbloom were REALLY close . . . as in close enough to go on numerous secret dates in a town nearby . . . and close enough for him to buy her a not particularly cheap red jacket . . . but not close enough for him to CALL HER ON THE PHONE, AFTER NOT HAVING HEARD FROM HER FOR OVER A YEAR . . . and certainly not close enough for him to READ THE LOCAL PAPERS, SEE HER PICTURE ON THE FRONT PAGE, AND FIND OUT SHE’S A CORPSE.
Aria thinks she should give Duncan Donuts a call, basically because her contract requires her to have a boyfriend-type figure in every episode. And Fitzy and Holden won’t be sharing scenes with her, this week . . . From experience, every PLL girl already knows that meeting Strange Men — who may or may not have had sexual relations with Dead Ali in the past — while alone, is a bad idea.
However, they wholeheartedly support Aria in her stupidity. That’s what friends are for, right?
Oh, hey, look who’s back in town? It’s Abs Toby and Blind Jenna . . . correction, it’s Abs Toby and Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna. That’s right, my Pretties! As we’ve long been promised, Jenna finally had her groundbreaking,” blind-no-more” surgery . . . in one eye . . . which hasn’t healed yet. Yep, they are really going to drag this plotline out for as long as possible. aren’t they?
“At least I will save money on my pirate costume, this Halloween!”
Truthfully though, we are less concerned with the return of Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna, than we are of the return of Spencer’s ex-boyfriend with the HOT haircut, and the ice COLD chip on his shoulder. Cue the Spencer Face . . . the longing looks (on Spencer’s part), and the glares (on Toby’s part) to the tune of . . . Intense Mood Music, and Slo-Mo Walking.
Also, notice how Abs Toby is no longer treating Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna like the brother-raping, police boy banging, little-liar framing, ninety pounds of pure evil she actually is! He actually seems to NOT MIND hanging out with her, as evidenced by the way he keeps . . . you know . . . touching her and stuff. Did they give you a lobotomy with that haircut, Tobster?
Spencer runs into Abs Toby again later at school. And she’s all, “What’s the deal with your Creepy Sister and her fugly eyepatch?”
So, Toby’s all, “She finally had the operation. What’s it to you, you Maneating B*tch? I miss you! I love you. Why did you start humping that hot British doctor, when I would have let you be part of my Abs Toby Sandwich?
So Spencer says, “Let’s get back together. Mm-kay? Because Emily was totally kidding about me banging the British guy. I didn’t do that until we were ‘on a break.’ ‘A’ still might end up murdering in your sleep, because you’re dating me. But that’s just the price of True Love, right?”
But Toby’s all, “Ya snooze ya, lose, Ho! I LOVE YOU SPENCER! KISS ME, YOU FUNNY-FACING MAKING BUNDLE OF LOVE!”
Then Half-Blind Jenna emerges from the Principal’s office, and creepily tells Spencer, she KNEW she was standing in front of her, despite Spencer not having uttered a word, since Half-Blind Jenna’s appearance. This means Half-Blind Blind Jenna knows her Pretty Little Liars so well, that she can smell them, when they are close by. Yeah . . . because that’s not creepy, at all . . .
“Stop sniffing my ex-girlfriend. That’s MY job!”
Missed Calls and Mixed Messages . . .
Back at the Marin household, Hanna and her mom are in a fight. It turns out that Mama Marin won’t buy Hanna a new phone to replace the one she DROPPED IN THE SOAPY SINK, last week, in order to prevent Mama Marin from confiscating it.
As much as I adore my Hanna, you have to admit, this was a pretty ballsy request on Hanna’s part . . . I mean, sure, we all know that Hanna only destroyed the phone to prevent her mother from discovering A’s identity, thereby, putting herself in danger. But she has to see that, from her mom’s perspective, the whole “phone drowning” thing, came off as a very deliberate and highly personal “F-U Mommy.”
Besides, Mama Marin worked hard to steal that money from the Old Dying Lady! She can’t be going off spending it, wily nily, on electronics, every time Hanna decides to drown them, or throw them in a blender!
Part of me thinks it would have been REALLY funny, if Hanna got one of those prepaid phones mailed to her by “A,” with a message like, “Try not to get this one wet, or make it into a smoothie.”
However, considering it was Mona, who ended up providing Hanna with a replacement phone, and many people think SHE’S “A,” perhaps my scenario is precisely what happened. More and more, we are seeing Mona get involved in the PLL girls’ dealings with “A” in ways that help the mysterious evildoer complete her master plan. In this case, obviously “A” wants Hanna to have a phone, so that she can continue to taunt her with text messages . . . like the one the girls received later on in the episode: “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback.”
But here’s a question for you? Assuming the cell phone Hanna received from Mona was on Mona’s account (which Mona explains to us that it is), how did “A” manage to snag Hanna’s new number, if not from Mona herself? (Assuming Mona and “A” are two different people, of course.) Unless, Mona somehow transferred Hanna’s old number to Mona’s account, in which case, I take back everything I just said . . .
Speaking of anonymous, and not-so-anonymous communications, “Maya” has been secretly contacting Emily, with text messages saying she is “OK,” and sweet, exceptionally well-written e-mails, about their great times together and “perfect goodbyes.” Emily is touched that Maya is reaching out to her, but torn as to whether she should clue Maya’s parents in to her possible whereabouts. In the end, she decides to confront the St. Germaines with the information she has received.
The question is . . . did Emily jump the gun? After all, Maya’s messages (particularly the e-mail) certainly SOUNDED like they were from Maya. But what if they weren’t? After all, both messages were sent from an “undisclosed sender.” Is it possible that “A” has been sending these messages, on Maya’s behalf, to keep her off the trail of a girlfriend in danger? Only time will tell . . .
Come Crash Fly with Me!
Duncan Donut has two dates meetings with Aria, in this episode. The first one is normal. The second one is ridiculous. First Duncan Donut meets Aria in the school courtyard, where he admits that he knows that Vivian Darkbloom was just an alias for Ali. (No mention as to whether he believed that big ole black wig was actually her real hair.)
He also seems to know a heck of a lot about Ali / Vivian’s friends, including Aria . . . “the writer . . . who keeps journals.” Interesting . . . because the only time I’ve ever heard Aria even talk about writing was in the pilot episode . . . right before she humped Fitzy in the bathroom. I thought the whole “writing thing” was just a pickup line. Go figure!
Talk about being the bearer of bad news! Aria then has to tell Duncan Donuts that Vivian/Ali is . . . you know . . . not-so-much alive, anymore. Check out Duncan Donut’s face in this scene. He’s clearly shocked . . . and totally crushed by the news . . . either that, or he’s a really great actor. P.S. He claims to have been with Ali / Vivian the weekend she supposedly disappeared . . .
Having had so much fun on her first date with Duncan Donut, Aria decides to set up a second one with him, this time in a totally secluded area in a town called Brookhaven. Be careful Aria. Your best frenemy hung out with this guy, and then DIED. Does that make him a killer? Not necessarily. Does that make him REALLY bad luck? Absolutely . . .
So, you know those comedy sketches that take place in front of green screens, where it’s supposed to look like the television character is doing something CRAZY, like water skiing on Niagara Falls, or climbing the alps, or hanging off the top of Mount Rushmore. But actually, they are basically just standing in front of a piece of paper with a picture on it. Well, those all look WAY more realistic than the image of Aria and Duncan Donut flying a plane together on their date / mutual interrogation session.
Why does Aria get into a plane with this Admittedly-Hot, but not particularly stable-seeming loon, you ask? It beats the hell out of me. Supposedly, this was something Ali/ Vivian just loooooooved to do. According to Duncan, flying with him (he has a license, she didn’t), made her feel free from all the little people on the ground, who were trying to kill her. You know, because death-by-plane crash is much more pleasant than death-by-shovel-repeatedly-bashed-into-brain. (So much for that dream!)
Throughout the entire experience, Aria basically looks like she is about to pee in her pants. So, of course, this gives Duncan Donut the brilliant idea to FORCE her to takeover the controls, despite her complete lack of experience flying planes, under the ridiculous rationalization that this will help her “understand” Ali. (If you mean because they will both be dead, by the time they have finished with you, then, yes, this is a brilliant idea, Duncan Donuts.)
It certainly doesn’t help matters that Duncan is sporting a serious case of the Crazy Eyes throughout the entire scene. I’ll be honest, this made me miss a lot of what the pair were talking about, because I was so busy screaming at my television, “Don’t kill Aria, before she gets to have that sex scene. Ezria fans will FREAK!”
Nonetheless, here’s what I got out of this lovely near-death-by-green-screen conversation:
(1) Duncan Donut would have loved to have intimately explored Vivian’s “dark bloom” (if you catch my drift), before she died. However, he suspected that there were other men out there, who were beating him to the punch.
(2) Aria admits to Duncan Donut that she thinks the police and the newspapers are wrong regarding Ali’s murder. Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Ali. He was either framed, or willingly took the fall for someone else, before he died.
(3) Duncan Donut notes that on the weekend prior to Ali’s disappearence, he flew her to Philadelphia from Brookhaven, which means she had been back in town for hours, by the time she met up with the girls. (What was she doing in Rosewood, during all those missing hours?)
(4) Duncan observed that Ali seemed “different” the last time he saw her. He assumed this was because she had “just figured something out.” However, the proponents of the “Ali has a twin” theory, could easily surmise that “Ali” seemed different, because she was actually a different person, than the one with whom Duncan had developed a relationship.
Oh yeah, and he and Aria didn’t end up dying in a plane crash. So, yay for hot people surviving the danger of their own idiocy . . .
Speaking of men who want to put their hands all over Aria’s “controls” . . .
Fitzy Must REALLY Like that Couch . . .
Fitzy, you little lazy scamp, you . . . why do you always seem to be laying on that couch of yours? Aren’t you afraid of falling asleep and missing your classes? Do you actually teach any classes? Or do they just pay you to sit on that couch and pretend to grade papers?
After “Who’s A?” and “Who killed Ali?” this is the third biggest mystery of PLL. Fitzy is an enigma wrapped in plaid, wrapped in a nerdy sweater vest, wrapped in Aria’s arms . . . He also seemed to grow a pair this week, when he was visited by not one, but BOTH elder Montgomery’s.
How did he grow a pair, you ask? Well, he basically told them both where to stick it, in terms of their attempts to control his career / relationship with their daughter. (Well, on second thought, he was a bit more polite to one than the other . . . bet you can’t guess which one . . .)
Oh, one more thing about Fitzy, before I recap the conversations he had with Aria’s parents . . . he can be a little . . . how do I put this kindly . . . intense . . . when he’s feeling disrespected. We saw this for the first time, during his “don’t wake a sleepwalker” speech to that scheming harlot, Jackie.
We saw it again tonight. Now I’m not SAYING Fitzy is “A.” (For one thing, he lacks a comprehensive motive . . . so far.) However, I will say that those of you who subscribe to that theory, got a lot of juice out of his scenes in this episode . . .
First up was Mama Montgomery, who also, seems to rarely teach, as she just decided to hop on over to Hollis college smack in the middle of the day to give Fitzy a piece of her mind. “I’m not an ally,” insists Mama Montgomery to the Perpetual Couch Dweller. “I don’t have an opinion on [the job offer my husband is using to manipulate you to leave town].” She adds.
“It matters what you think of me,” Fitzy replies stoically. (Well, that was a nice thing to say, under the circumstances . . . I guess.)
And yet, lest you think this conversation is a total waste of time (which I’ll admit I did, initially), before leaving, Mama Montgomery lays her cards on the table, regarding why she REALLY made this long journey to Fitzy’s office in the middle of the day. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with the letter “A.”
Apparently, Mama Montgomery is still very much hot on the trail of the “A” who (1) initially informed her about her husband’s affair; (2) clued in Byron to the continuing nature of the Ezria relationship; and (3) may or may not be torturing Aria and her friends on a fairly consistent basis. So, she turns to Fitzy for clues, hoping that, perhaps, one of Aria’s Deep Dark Secrets will help yield another.
Fitzy’s words are brilliantly filled with alternative meanings, and double entendres, depending on whether you view him as an “A” suspect or not. For those of you who view Fitzy as 100% innocent in the torture of Aria and her friends, his statements, “I would never intentionally hurt Aria,” and, “there was someone who would want to hurt [me], but not any more” seem perfectly honest and straightforward. The first statement, simply refers to his complete and unabiding love for Aria, and the second refers to Jackie, the one person, aside from “A,” Aria’s parents, and, of course, Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who ever sought to ruin the Ezria relationship.
And yet, those who think Fitzy might be “A” see the statements in an entirely different light. Assuming for a second that Fitzy was “A,” his statement regarding how he would never “intentionally hurt Aria,” seems to dovetail directly with fans “concerns” regarding the fact that, of all the liars, “A” goes the absolute easiest on Aria. As for Fitzy’s statement about someone wanting to hurt him and Aria, but “not anymore,” well, one might surmise that he was referring to Ali, herself . . .
Just a suggestion . . .
While Fitzy’s meeting with Mama Montgomery was all mixed meanings, and double entendres, his conversation with Papa Montgomery gives off a much clearer message. And that message is: ‘I hate your guts . . . BASTARD.”
*insert growling noise*
Whatever your feelings are regarding Ezria, you have to admit that this scene was just incredibly fun to watch. Initially, the two grown men are icy, yet cordial, to one another. Fitzy informs Byron he’s not going to take the job in New Orleans, and Byron says he’s “sorry to hear that.” But that’s when the gloves really come off.
Fitzy tells Byron that the reason he’s not taking the job in Mardi Gras town is that he doesn’t want Papa Montgomery to have that kind of “power” over him. There was also some smack talk flying back and forth about which man had the bigger “ego.”
In other words, Classic Male Pissing Contest. It was awesome. Fitzy’s been running scared from the Montgomery’s for such a long time now. It’s nice to see him finally taking charge of his own life even if he does end up being “A.” Oh, and, after it was all over, he called Aria, and told her he loved her, thus proving that Classic Male Pissing Contests are exceptionally good for the libido . . .
“I wanna whack her like a pinata!”
Oh, Mona! I used to find you insanely annoying. But now I kind of adore your smart mouth, and warped sense of loyalty. You are like the female version of the comedically- inclined hitman character on one of those mob shows. (So, I really hope you don’t end up being “A.” like you were in the books.)
Anywhoo, the PLL girls have plenty of good reasons why they want Abs Toby to stay away from Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna. For one thing, that’s SPENCER’S man, dammit though, I still prefer Wren. For another, Half-Blind is a fairly awful human being, who never really forgave the girls for their part in her blinding, and has more than once framed them for some Very Bad Things. For a third, she’s just CREEPY. And has been known to do things like rub Toby’s leg, while saying that she “wants to surround herself with things she love, and you [MY BROTHER WHO I LIKE TO SCREW] will be there too.
“Get your paws off me, pirate!’
(By the way, where the heck are Half-Blind Jenna’s and Toby’s parents, during all this? Did Half-Blind Jenna eat them?)
To be honest, I’m not quite sure why MONA hates Half-Blind Jenna (assuming she’s not “A,” of course). But whatever the reason, she’s REALLY quick to offer a helping hand in getting Hanna some alone time with the Tobster, for anti-Jenna reasons. (She’s also really quick to offer to basically BEAT HER TO DEATH, but that’s neither here nor there.)
“If you show me your abs, I’ll give you this car.”
Mona get Toby alone by offering a threesome with her and Half-Blind Jenna claiming to have some random “car question” for him. But once she’s got him cornered, she’s out like a tubby girl in dogeball, and in comes Hanna. Now, in Abs Toby’s defense, Hanna comes on just a LITTLE bit strong, with her whole, “How dare you hang out with your sister, when she’s so mean to your ex girlfriend,” logic. That said, Abs Toby, is more than a bit douchey in response, by playing the whole “YOU BLINDED HER” CARD, and then storming off, like it’s his job.
Speaking of doucheyness, Abs Toby has an extra special dose of it lined up for Dr British Hotpants Wren, when he happens by Half-Blind Jenna in the hospital, on the day she is supposed to have her bandages taken off. If looks could kill Hotpants would be one very sexy puddle on the floor. That said, I have to give the Line of the Day Award to Half-Blind Jenna, who refers to Dr Hotpants as “Spencer’s personal physician,” and insists that “even a lie would sound good in that accent.”
It’s odd, isnt’ it, that mere days after Maya goes missing, Facelift Vampire Jason pops by to claim that she ”just happened” to drop some of Ali’s stuff by the house, in a big fat duffelbag? The PLL girls are thrilled, assuming that they will find something in the bag that leads to discovering who either “A” or Ali’s killer is. Unfortunately, most of the stuff in there is just a bunch of childhood junk (though I did notice the Voodoo doll from the Halloween special in there. YAY, continuity!) . . . or is it?
While searching through the crap, the girls realize that the newspaper in which it is wrapped, is actually from prior to Ali’s disappearance, and contains within it, some sort of a code. (Thank you Hanna for your insanely accurate memory of Michelle Obama’s wardrobe). It seems that Ali and “A” were communicating with one another through personal and classified ads prior to Ali’s death. (How very low tech! I’m disappointed in you, A.)
In fact, on the weekend of Ali’s demise, she met “A” at . . . wait for it . . . the Creepy Doll Hospital.
(Oh, Ali also has a creepy music box. I’m not entirely sure why that’s relevant, but the producers seemed to focus on it a lot, so I figured I would throw it in there.)
Burning Up for Your Love
Upon realizing that the bag might contain even more clues than originally suspected, the girls rush to retrieve it from Facelift Vampire Jason’s porch, where they had dutifully returned it, earlier that day. Hanna gets to do the honors. So, you can imagine her suprise when HALF-BLIND JENNA’S FACE POPS OUT OF NO WHERE, and THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
It’s Hanna and Spencer (when did she get here?) to the rescue, as they pull Half-Blind Jenna from the wreckage, just seconds before the flames . . . excuse the expression, whack her like a pinata.
Off to the hospital we go to assess the damages. Surprisingly, Hanna is absolutely fine, aside from her hair smelling like smoke (which, of course, brings back memories of Emily’s “I have glass in my hair,” moment.) But Spencer has glass in her HANDS. YAY! Wait . . . why am I saying, yay, to Spencer’s injury?
Wren is “cleaning and mending Spencer’s hands” very carefully (which I wish was a euphemism for something, but isn’t). He’s also talking to her in this super sweet and soft voice of his, and telling her that she has a very complicated life. (See, Wren is smart!) He then eye sexes her up, so hard, she pops out about ten eye babies. Upon eye baby delivery, he asks her if she would like to pretend certain things between them (like massive makeout, eyesex, half-nude massages, and drunken sleepovers) never happened.
Spencer responds, “HELL TO THE NO!” (As most of us would. Because, seriously, who would want to forget any time spent with Dr Hotpants . . . I mean, really.)
In other news, Spencer’s mom is apparently not on Team Facelift Vampire Jason, for obvious reasons. Spencer takes issue with this because . . . well . . . he’s her half-brother, a.k.a. family. (Makes sense.) In fact, judging by the way things are turning out for the Hastings brood, he might very well be the most SANE hastings of the bunch . . .
But for not so obvious reasons, Mama Hastings claims that SHE, and not her husband, was the one who spent $15,000 for the private investigator to find Ali. Hmmm . . . Why do I feel like we are still missing a big chunk of this story? Toward the end of the episode, Facelift Vampire Jason and Mama Hastings seem to share some not entirely antagonistic words at the hospital. So . . . um . . . progress!
Controlling the world . . . one Rosewood Resident at a time . . .
Oh, I guess you’re interested in finding out how Half-Blind Jenna is, right? Well, she’s fine . . . if you ignore the fact that she is still half-blind . . . hysterical crying . . . and of couse, an evil brother-f*&king shrew. As it turns out, Half-Blind Jenna was in Facelift Vampire’s house based on a message she supposedly received from Jason . . . a message he claims he never sent. In other words, “A” basically tried to have Half-Blind Jenna killed, but Hanna saved her life (with Spencer’s help). “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback,” right?
Again, where the F*&k are Half-Blind Jenna’s parents? HELLO! YOUR KID ALMOST DIED! Time to return from the mall, or wherever the heck it is you’ve been for 2.5 seasons
There is an interesting, and suprisingly divisive, scene toward the end of the episode, in which a tearful Half-Blind Jenna asks Hanna why she would possibly save her, given the awful history the two have with one another. (The Slap Heard Round the World Comes immediately to mind here.) To this, Hanna responds with a rather icy, “You’re welcome,” before exiting stage left.
Having perused the message boards, I notice that a lot of you felt this was rude of Hanna, considering Half-Blind Jenna’s emotional state. However, I kind of think, under the circumstances, Hanna handled the situation quite well.
After all, Hanna and Half-Blind Jenna are NOT friends, in fact they are nearly enemies. So Hanna certainly didn’t save the girl out of any fondness or loyalty she felt toward her. Rather, she simply did it, because it was the RIGHT thing to do . . . She probably would have done it for ANYONE . . . possibly even a complete stranger (like Duncan Donuts). While this is a perfectly good reason to save someone’s life, it’s not a particularly nice thing to say to someone.: “I saved you because I was SUPPOSED TO DO IT.”
And like Mommy always says, when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all . . . which was exactly what Hanna did . . . at least in my opinion. (That said, giving Jenna a little smile when she said it, certainly wouldn’t have hurt . . .)
In the final moments of the episode, Gloved Hand leaves Police Boy Garrett’s badge on the floor near Facelift Vampire Jason’s house, thereby implicating him in the fire. In hindsight, he’d make for a good suspect, considering we’ve seen him arguing with Half-Blind Jenna, and angrily fleeing her home many times in the past.
Ahhh, the plot thickens. Next week on PLL, more Creepy Dolls, Creepy Old Ladies, and an Ezria sex scene? You can check out the promos here . . .
So, who do YOU think is A? Until next time, my Pretties . . .