Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.
The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)
Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!
No pressure, right?
So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!
Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.
It has snappy one liners . . .
Hot people tearfully kissing . . .
Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .
And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .
Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.
Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.
But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.
I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.
In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius said these iconic words to his son Laertes on the eve of the latter’s trip to Paris to warn him not to go slutting it up with the local Parisian lassies while on holiday. He could be a bit uptight sometimes, that Polonius.
Nowadays, these words are commonly evoked to mean something a bit less . . . celibate. They are about self-acceptance, self-love, self-understanding, and all that other mushy gushy “self” stuff. They are about embracing your flaws and weaknesses with as much passion as you do your strengths and gifts. These words are Dr. Phil: Twitter Edition, basically.
Coincidentally, this famous phrase also just so happens to be the theme of this week’s Super-Sized Edition of Once Upon a Time. Love yourself . . .
. . . even if you have a habit of shooting firebolts out of you fingertips, which occasionally turn your son into a human rocket launcher . . .
. . . or you have a really bad snow dandruff problem, and only own one smelly dress . . .
. . .or if you have the worst haircut in the history of bad haircuts . . .
. . . or you are an Evil Queen with a penchant for boning married dudes in mausoleums . . .
. . . or you’re a popsicle . . .
“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”
. . . or you have a delusion that two women who look and are young enough to be your daughters are actually your “sisters” . . .
Love yourself, in spite of all these things, or better yet, because of them.
Because, if you don’t, you can be sure as hell that nobody else will . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
To check out the rest of this jumbo-sized, snarktastic recap, click here.
In a season that’s been all about snow monsters, people who shoot ice out of their fingers, and women who accidentally/on purpose get turned into popsicles, “The Snow Queen” was a nice, refreshing, change of pace. Why, you ask? Because this was an hour of television that brought the heat, in more ways than one . . .
Now, unless you own an ice cream shop or a ski lodge, or just find the refrigerator in your home to be a huge waste of space, the ability to shoot icicles from your finger is pretty much one of the least useful super powers ever.
(Almost as unhelpful in life as “being able to tell when people are lying <del datetime=”2014-11-10T03:14:15+00:00″>except for when its plot convenient for you not to be able to tell.</del>”)
“You get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman. You ALL GET SNOWMEN!”
Another week, another snow-themed Once episode . . . this show is starting to wreak some major havoc on my Seasonal Affective Disorder . . .
This week, the residents of Storybrooke find themselves trapped inside their small community which I’m pretty sure The Curse prevents them from actually leaving anyway, not to mention freezing their magically delicious tushies off, when a vengeful Elsa encases them inside a town-wide wall of ice. Elsa is bargaining that this oh-so-clever hostage-taking maneuver will force the fairytale characters to give up the goods on where her perky ginger little sister is hiding . . .
Clearly, this Frozen princess has been spending her free time in Arendelle watching non-Disney approved shows on that Other Network of Which We Dare Not Speak Its Name . . .
For shame, Elsa! For shame!
Meanwhile, over in Fairytale Land, Prince Charming sports a hideous perm . . .
Thus proving, once and for all that, contrary to popular belief, (1) Fairytale characters are not immune to having Bad Hair Days; and (2) sometimes those Bad Hair Days have the unintended effect of making them look like chorus members from the Broadway Revival of Rock of Ages . . .
Also, this week on Once, Snow White learned how to change a light bulb . . .
Emma and Hook got one step closer to their much awaited THIRD DATE . . .
Henry got one step closer to no longer being able to hide that he’s going through puberty. . .
“I used to hide a book of fairytales under my mattress. Now, it’s an iPad and internet porn . . . lots and lots of internet porn.”
And Little Bo Peep showed the world that the darkest of warlords are the ones that wear the poofiest skirts and the biggest bloomers . . .possibly to protect against Little Bo Poops . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
You can read the rest of my recap of Season 4, Episode 2 of OUAT here . . .
Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?
I know, I DO! But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television. After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .
That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.
Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE! I’m going to do it, anyway! (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus. So, what do YOU care?)
So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .
Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”
This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .
“You can trust me! I’m a Disney Princess!”
Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .
Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .
And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes. This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .
I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress. (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)
P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was. (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)
Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you. Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?
Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable. This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character. For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show. Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes. (They are already on their fourth.)
Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right? You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . . .
So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table. (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease. So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)
Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .
Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee. Happy Passover!
Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side. But he’s a smart guy. And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .
And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs! He must do Pilates. Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you . . . bigger.
Or . . . maybe not. But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not. From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week. And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . . .
Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .
Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”
It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself . . .
And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .
Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .
Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore. We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . . .
(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale, lately . . .)
In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .
Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .
You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment. Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .
Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .
Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. It was rather disturbing . . .
And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.
Puppies make me mushy. Babies? Meh!
Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .
P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME! (We can be short and snarky together!)
“Don’t cry, my Darling NiKlaus! In another few thousand years, your hair will be much less Rats Nest-y.”
Hey there, Fangbangers! So, I’m going let you guys in on a little secret. (Shhhh . . . don’t tell anybody.)
OK. Here goes . . . historically speaking, I’ve never really been a big fan of “Flashback Episodes of TVD” . . .
Now, don’t get me wrong. I like pretty costumes, elaborate hairdos, and inflated production values as much as the next girl . . .
KLAUS: “The 1490’s look good on you, Dear Katherine.”
KATHERINE: “I wish I could say the same to you, Klaus . . .”
ELIJAH: “You do realize he could eat you for saying that, don’t you?”
I just tend to prefer my TVD gang to hang out in the 21st century . . . WHERE THEY BELONG.
That all changed this week, with “Ordinary People” . . . an episode, which I feel was, by far, one of the best flashback episodes in TVD history. (Tied only with the absolutely epic “Blood Brothers,” of Season 1.)
I mean, sure, it had all the trappings of your classic TVD flashback episode . . . the costumes, the hair, the extensive use of voiceover, a slew of main characters, who were suspiciously absent throughout the hour (I’m looking at you, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy, Katherine, and Matt.).
“Sorry, I missed the episode. I was sleeping off my hangover . . . and a long, hot, night of awesome Forwood sex.”
But it also offers – among other things – answers to MANY long-standing questions about the Original Family, the Original Witch, and the Original Vampire Hunter Mikael . . .
. . . some massive levels of Salvatore Brother Bonding . . .
. . . well sort of . . .
. . . Damon Sexy Dancing at a bar that is most definitely NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
. . . and, perhaps, my personal favorite, not one, but TWO, adorably erotic Delena scenes, one of which takes place, of all places, IN A BED . . .
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s explore some “Ordinary People!”
(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the lovely screencaps you see here . . .)
The Lockwood Original Diaries – Pictionary Style
Get it? It’s Dances with Wolves! Let’s add Awesome Artist to the list of Fabulously F*&kable Damon Salvatore traits . . .
This episode begins, rather fittingly, right where the last one left off: in the Lockwood dungeon . . . a set piece that arguably has become almost as popular as the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. Alaric has brought Elena along to show her All the Pretty Pictures that Mason Lockwood helped them discover on the wall of the cave. Damon comes along for the ride as well, to startle the always-jumpy Elena, and make cute snarky comments throughout the investigation.
You’re too hot to be scary. Sorry, Damon!
After all, he hasn’t technically been “invited in” to this establishment, now has he?
Stupid vampire rules!
The first thing the Scooby Crew ascertains from the cave drawings is that werewolves have been around Mystic Falls long before Stefan and Damon unwittingly encountered them, back in 1864.
I like Damon’s drawing better. Cave Person FAIL!
Now, whether these werewolves are ancestors to the current clan of Lockwood’s hasn’t yet been established. But, for what it’s worth, I THINK they were Lockwoods (I’ve, personally, always thought Klaus’ biological dad was a Lockwood), and Damon seems to agree with me . . .
Actually, as the threesome eventually find out, the history detailed on the wall of the cave is not the history of werewolves at all. Rather, it is . . . wait for it . . . the Original Vampire Family’s history. We know this because, as we see in our first of many flashbacks from this episode, Rebekah has helpfully carved her family members names (some of them, at least) into the wall of the cave, to preserve for posterity . . .
So, this . . .
. . . is basically the Viking version of THIS . . .
The names are written in a type of Viking Script. Believe it or not, this seemingly random fact immediately answers two important questions that many of us have long-wondered about the Original Family: (1) How old are they? The answer to THAT question is roughly the same age as the Vikings, who, as Rebekah would tell us later, colonized America in secret, long before history books would suggest. This, as many of you savvy viewers caught, explains the odd little Viking reference she made in Alaric’s history class, back during “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”
“What’s the Viking word for ‘foreshadowing’?”
It also explains, (2) why a big bad vampire like Klaus would seem so oddly fixated on a small, seemingly inconsequential town like Mystic Falls. Namely, HE GREW UP THERE!
Homesick . . . broody . . . and in need of a hug. (Tyler! Get over here and hug me, B*tch!)
Oh, and here’s the first kicker (which most of us had ALSO already figured out) Original Vampire / Kat Eater Mikael is . . . wait for it . . . THE ORIGINAL FAMILY DAD!
I wanna be like Mike . . . actually, no I really don’t.
But wait a minute . . . you might be saying . . . why would a FATHER be trying to hunt down and murder his own kids?
(It wouldn’t be the first time!)
Well, I’m getting to that . . .
Happy music plays in the background, as Alaric excitedly takes pictures of all the cave etching, so that he can study them for hours on end. Seriously, this is a history buff’s wet dream . . . You GO, Chunky Monkey!
“Are you mocking me?”
Alaric Saltzman Gets His Study on, while Damon and Elena . . .
Poor Alaric! Who knew, back when we first met him, that he was just two dead girlfriends away from becoming Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
As Alaric painstakingly analyzes the less surprising drawings from the cave wall . . . “vampire” . . . “werewolf” . . . “sun” . . . “moon,” I find my attention continually being drawn toward the hot and sweaty activity going on directly behind his head. It looks as though Damon and Elena have decided to continue the Vampire Slayer training that the pair happily started during “Smells Like Teen Spirit” . . .
Once again, Damon has cleverly used this “training” exercise, as an excuse to hold Elena close and fondle her. (YAY!)
We see this when he, once again, grabs at her from behind, and makes a joking move to bite her neck, illustrating that, in this particular faux battle, the vampire has won.
Since we all know how much TVD LOVES its parallels and foreshadowing, many clever viewers have already predicted that Elena will be forced to use these vampire fighting skills, FOR REAL, some time before the end of the season.
We’ve already seen her use what she learned in her first fighting lessons with Damon and Alaric to temporarily incapacitate Ripper Stefan. And I’m thinking that there is more to the emphasis on these fighting scenes than JUST to show Delena foreplay . . .
. . . not that there’s anything wrong with Delena foreplay, of course. 😉
Later, when Alaric hits a snag in his studies, Elena decides to hit up Barbie Klaus / New Head Cheerleader Rebekah for some inside information . . .
A Tale of Two Exes . . .
“The Boy is MINE!”
At school, Elena shows Rebekah a picture of one of the cave etchings, and asks for answers.
“Actually, this is just a naked picture of Stefan I found on his Facebook page. Look what you’ve been missing all these years.”
At first, Rebekah is dismissive. But when Elena threatens to awaken Vampire Hunter Mikael, otherwise known as Daddy Dearest, she gets PISSED, and shuts down completely. As Barbie Klaus stalks away, we are treated to a second flashback, this one features Klaus, and the ever elusive, sexy-haired, Elijah . . .
. . . when it comes to haircare. (But when it comes to jousting? Maybe . . .)
. . . engaged in swordplay. Then, Mikael pops in to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse Klaus, as the rest of the family stands silently by.
Mikael (who looks oddly hot, with his long crimped hairdo) takes the phrase “Bad Dad,” to a whole new level, when he takes the sword from Elijah, and begins jabbing it at Klaus, until the latter eventually falls to the ground. “Some days, it’s a miracle, you are still alive, Boy,” Mikael says harshly, as he holds the sword to his petrified “son’s” neck.
“Is this because I forgot to charge your iPhone, after I used it?”
Some might say, this is nothing more than an example of Tough Love. After all, Mikael is a Viking. He knows how difficult battle can be. And he’s only trying to keep his family safe, right? And yet, the way that Mikael seems to take joy in berating and abusing Klaus, so much more than his other children, suggests that there’s a bit more to it than that . . .
Meanwhile, in the present day . . .
“I’m naked right now.”
“I bet you are.”
Later, after school, Elena is gabbing on the phone with future boyfriend Damon, when Rebekah texts her to pop on over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Girl Bonding Time . . .
Rebekah’s texting now? Wow, she sure learned a lot about modern cell phone technology during those five minutes she played with an iPhone during “The Reckoning.”
Elena immediately thinks that Rebekah has changed her mind about giving her the details of her past. And she MAY very well have. But first, she wants Elena to help her pick out a dress for the upcoming Homecoming Dance. Ahh, now we know that Rebekah is definitely Klaus’ sister. These two definitely seem to have an almost compulsive need for social acceptance.
I actually think it’s pretty adorable – in a fairly psychotic way — that Rebekah feels the need to compel what is probably her entire cheerleading squad, sans Caroline, to model prospective dresses for her, when she could just as easily have tried them on herself.
It’s America’s Next Top Model . . . Future Vampire Food Edition!
It kind of reminded me of Cher from Clueless, who brilliantly created that application for her computer that modeled her entire wardrobe FOR HER.
You know, now that I think about it, Rebekah actually vaguely resembles Alicia Silverstone in Clueless . . . weird.
Of course, Rebekah is no dummy. And beneath her supposedly fun and carefree request that Elena help Rebekah pick a “model,” whose dress she will wear for the Big Event, is the subtle threat that, if Elena doesn’t behave, Rebekah could turn her into a mindless zombie, just like she did with these girls, and, then, eventually EAT HER.
Hmm . . . Rebekah seems to prefer eating girls. Do you think they taste better?
Message sent and received, Elena helps Rebekah pick out a dress (the red one). Then, Rebekah sends the girls away, compelling them to forget everything they just experienced. Except, she never instructs the girl in red to remove her dress. Perhaps, the two girls aren’t the same size?
With the mindless zombies gone, Rebekah then traipses up to Stefan’s room to start delving into Stefan’s underwear drawer, and reading his infamous diaries. (How very Damon Salvatore of her!)
“You know, I don’t get you two as a couple,” Rebekah begins conversationally, upon seeing a framed promotional still of Stefan and Elena from Season 1. That’s OK, Rebekah. Lots of Delena fans don’t get it either. 😉
Haha! I like these girl talk sessions. I can’t wait until Rebekah and Elena start gossiping about Damon.
But, alas, it is not to be. Of course, Buzzkill Elena . . .
. . . just wants to talk Viking History, which sucks, because I really wanted to learn what kind of naughty souvenirs Stefan kept in his closets from his Ripper Days. (Ripper Stefan seems like he’d be rather kinky, right?)
Anywhoo, with one final warning (and possibly another foreshadowing) that she will only allow Elena to learn what SHE (Rebekah) wants her to learn, Rebekah begins to launch into the story of her past, which I will share with you, in just a bit . . .
Brotherly Drunkenness
“Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are mesmerizing?”
After hanging up with his future girlfriend, Elena, Damon decides to pay a visit to the still locked up, and rather clammy-looking Ripper Stefan.
When Damon admits to not quite buying Elena’s and Lexi’s Brilliant Ripper Detox plan, Ripper Stefan responds, in what very well be the most insightful remark we’ve ever heard from the character. “Oh, and we should all listen to Elena, because her plans always work out so well.”
THANK YOU, STEFAN! I’m glad SOMEBODY finally realized that Elena tends to have the WORST IDEAS EVER, when it comes to defeating the Big Bads . . .
But, hey, look on the bright side, Elena. At least YOU never hid the moonstone in your soapdish . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old . . .
Damon too begins to become concerned that Elena’s Magical Mystical Plan is not working, when he suggests that Rebekah might kill Elena, and Stefan seems completely unmoved by this prospect. “Wow, you really have given up,” says Damon sadly. “Screw this Lexi plan. We could both use a drink,” he concludes, easily removing Stefan’s chains.
“I’ll drink to that.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my Drunk Damon as much as the next girl. But, if you recall, Lexi’s Magical Detox Stare from last week, you know that what Damon is doing, is effectively undoing the equivalent of an ENTIRE YEAR of sobriety for Stefan, and all for a single night out on the town. Bloodaholics Anonymous would, most definitely, not approve . . .
Have I mentioned that Damon Salvatore just so happens to be the PERFECT wingman? While sticking to liquor himself, Damon not only lines up beautiful girls for Stefan to drink throughout the night, he also compels them to forget what happened, once Stefan’s finished. He even gives them parting gifts of ugly red neck scarves, to wear, as payment for their services. Not a bad deal, I’d say . . .
“Tell me something, Callie. Do you COME here often?” 😉
In a stroke of pure genius, Damon even challenges Stefan to a game of Quarters, during which he sticks to a bottle of bourbon, and his brother drinks the bartender! It’s cute . . . in a twisted, sort of sadistic way . . . In the midst of all this, Damon even finds time for a little bar-top dancing, Coyote Ugly style . . .
(Unfortunately, the song playing in the background is not “Enjoy the Silence.”)
Fun, brotherly bonding aside, I must say, I do have one slight quibble with the notion that Damon can just force Stefan to gorge himself on blood, without the fear of anyone . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . DYING! By way of example, take a look at this little pictoral representation of the TVD episode, “The Birthday.”
I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that the entire point of Klaus getting Stefan high on blood, so that, “once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop?” (How many times have we heard THAT line, this season?) Now, granted, Stefan’s been “sober for almost a year now,” but a gorge fest like this would seemingly be enough to send any vampire over the edge. So, why is Stefan “I’m Freaking Hungry” Salvatore suddenly so calm about all of this . . .
Does turning off one’s emotions, also turn off his hunger? I would think not, or else Klaus probably wouldn’t have done it. It just seems a bit inconsistent, if you ask me.
Oh well . . . I guess the ever-changing characterization of Ripper Stefan is just one of those aspects of the show, on which its writers and I will perpetually disagree . . . But hey, enough negativity, let’s bring on the Brotherly Love!
Here’s the interesting thing. Though Damon is clearly frustrated by the fact that his brother has gone Ripper, there’s a part of him, that has wanted to go drinking and dancing, with his usually judgmental brother for decades. And, now, he is finally getting the chance to do so! If only Stefan was able to un-douche himself long enough to enjoy it with him!
“I love you, MAN!”
So, Damon tries a new tactic . . . namely, insulting Stefan’s masculinity. He rightly tells Stefan, that, chains or no chains, he can never truly be free, if he continues to be Klaus’ b*tch.
And the only way Stefan can break himself of that is to help KILL Klaus. Now, the point of this little bar outing becomes clear. Damon wanted to give Stefan a taste of freedom, to show him exactly what he was missing, while under Klaus’ thrall.
Admittedly, this was a pretty darn impressive plan, especially coming from the Moonstone Soapdish Guy. Bravo Damon!
“But Klaus, can’t be killed,” whines Stefan, clearly taking buzzkill lessons from his ex.
“Maybe I can help with that,” answers a voice from behind the two brothers. “The Salvatore Boys, I presume?”
Oh, look! It’s Vampire Hunter Mikael.
Ruh Roh!
But where’s KAT? Did YOU eat ALL of her, you PIG? Did you? Did YOU?
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Rebekah has launched, head-first, into her family history . . .
Meet the Originals . . .
Right off the bat, we learn, much as we suspected that the necklace Stefan gave to Elena, back in Season 1, actually belonged to the Original Witch, and that the symbol on the front of the necklace, actually MEANS “witch.” (How clever?)
I actually think this necklace gets more screentime than Matt . . .
So, here’s the deal about the Original Family. They apparently emigrated from Europe, after one of their children died from the plague, hearing rumors of a MYSTICAL, magical place where everyone lived longer, and was healthy. Hoping to spare their children, and themselves, some untimely deaths, the Original Family moved to Mystic Falls, which, at the time, was overrun by werewolves.
The humans and the werewolves lived peacefully, for a time. But then, one day, Klaus and young Henry snuck out to watch the werewolf transformations, and Henry got eaten, in the process.
R.I.P. Little Henry Original. We barely knew YE!
OUCH! What a way to go! Now, the Original Family had to accept the fact that, wherever they were, death was inescapable . . . or WAS it . . .
You see, the Original Family had a witch friend, who knew of a curse, or spell, that could make individuals immortal. Mikael and the Original Mother, Esther, ask this witch (I think her name is Ayana, or something), to cast this spell on all of them. However, Ayana refuses to do this, claiming that it will . . . wait for it . . . upset the balance of nature. (Yet another annoying catch phrase, TVD fans have had to endure for three years, now. ;))
“I have no function in this story, whatsoever . . .”
This means, that Mama ESTHER has to perform the spell.
It’s a pretty cute couple, right? No wonder all their kids are so hot!
Oh . . . wait . . . I didn’t tell you, yet, did I? You see, Esther, i.e. Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah’s mother, is also THE ORIGINAL WITCH!
Since, as far as we know, it is impossible to be BOTH a witch and a vampire (Sorry Bonnie!), Esther was unable to become immortal herself. (So, instead, she became some ghost thingy, who likes to hang out with Vampire Vicki in the after life. Go figure!)
As the Original kiddies were never let in on this Grand Plan, to say it was traumatizing for them to be STABBED FATALLY in the stomach by their own fathers, and then forced to drink from one of their neighbors, is probably the understatement of the century.
“Anyone got some stain stick I could borrow?”
Now, the Originals were vampires, burned by the sunlight, weakened by vervain, and harshly shunned from the werewolf homes, where they once felt so welcome. They also learned that they could be killed by the same White Oak Tree used in the spell to give them immortality. So, they burned it . . . (though, clearly, a few stakes covered in the ash from that tree, remain.)
. . . can prevent Forest Fires, Original Family. (Smokey the Bear is TOTALLY judging you, right now.)
Also, their chief personality traits were heightened. Rebekah became more stubborn. Elijah became more . . . honorable. (“Yes, I know, that sounds terrible,” she said sarcastically.) Father Mikael (who, I guess stabbed HIMSELF to make the transition) became more prideful. And Klaus became more intolerant of rejection.
Now, that’s a face only an Original Witch could love . . .
So, what’s YOUR most dominant trait? 😉
But something else happened to Klaus . . . something that would doom this family for all eternity. He started showing werewolf traits, thereby illustrating to Mikael that he wasn’t HIS son, but rather, some random Lockwood werewolf dude who Esther screwed . . . a dude, who, unfortunately we have yet to meet. Knowing that the existence of werewolf/vampire hybrids in the world would . . . you guessed it . . . UPSET THE BALANCE OF NATURE, Esther puts a curse on her own sun to make his werewolf traits dormant, and then, promptly turns her back on her own son, to appease the increasingly tempestuous Mikael.
This is where the events of the story become a little hazy. According to Rebekah, despite Esther’s moves to protect her family from Bastard Kid Klaus, her infidelity prompts Mikael to rip out Esther’s heart, while Klaus watches. (Wow, no wonder Klaus is so effed up . . .)
Hey! You stole my heart!
After this happens, the rest of the Original Family, including Papa Mikael, scatters, while Rebekah, Klaus, and Elijah remain behind to bury their mother. Upon doing this, the three now-orphaned children all hold hands, Ring Around the Rosie-style, and promise to stick together as one, always and forever . . . at least, until the inevitable time when Klaus gets into a fight with one of his siblings, and decides to dagger them for decades.
(Note: We know that Rebekah met the dagger, at least once, back when she chose Stefan over Klaus in the 1920’s. But judging from her statement, that Klaus was “disappointed by her,” many times, we can also assume that Rebekah had met the pointy end of the dagger prior to the events of “Klaus,” in 1492, as well. Naughty girl!)
Finished with her story, Rebekah threatens Elena with DEATH, if she ever goes after Klaus. Fair enough, right? But wait . . . now it’s Elena’s turn to share some news. Upon reviewing those cave drawings again, Elena comes upon a set of pictures signifying the death of the Original Witch.
And, according to THOSE pictures, it was KLAUS who killed his mother, as punishment for banishing his hybrid side, NOT Michael.
Elena shares this information with Rebekah, in hopes to secure her help in murdering Klaus. “He took Stefan’s life. We have to make it stop,” she pleads. But, of course, Rebekah is infuriated and extremely distraught by the news, which — though she continues to deny it — on some level, she seems to know its true.
Claire Holt REALLY flexes her acting chops in a major way, in the scene where she lashes out at Elena, in a mixture of fury, and inconsolate sadness. She pushes the Doppelganger up against the doorframe, as she continues to scream “Shut up . . . don’t talk anymore . . . nothing.”
Now, that’s some seriously close talking!
At first, I thought Rebekah might have compelled Elena’s voice away, which I suspect she could have, given that she no longer has her vervain necklace (Bonnie recently gave it to Alaric, so that he could study it.) But the fact that she didn’t makes the whole scene more heartbreaking in a way, Because it shows that Rebekah is more hurt, than she is angry, having been lied to for centuries by her own flesh and blood, the only person on whom she thought she could truly count.
It’s just so . . . tragic.
“She’s just a girl, who lost her Mom too young, and loves recklessly and blindly, even if it consumes her,” Elena says of Rebekah, later on in the episode, when she’s discussing her day with Damon (more on that spectacular scene, later).
Though, on the surface Elena and Rebekah might seem very different . . . one is human . . . the other is an Original Vampire . . . one is blonde . . . the other is brunette . . . one is brash . . . the other is more reserved . . . etc., I think the two women definitely found a common ground this week, and learned that they are much more a like than they could have ever imagined. I’m actually sort of looking forward to seeing this relationship grow and develop in the future. And yet, a part of me is worried for Rebekah’s life, now that she has proven herself to be such a vulnerable and relatable character.
Here’s hoping you at least live long enough to attend the Mystic Falls Prom, Beks!
On this show, Vulnerable and Relatable tends to be a death sentence, if you aren’t one of the Big Three cast members. I hope I’m wrong about this . . .
Meanwhile, back at the bar that is NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Getting to the “Heart” of the Matter . . .
Everyone seems to have their own tactics regarding “Curing Stefan,” and though he doesn’t know the younger Salvatore Brother particularly well, Mikael might have the best one yet. Sensing that Stefan might be the key to ascertaining Klaus’ whereabouts, he asks him out right, where the guy is. In response, Stefan calmly notes that he has been compelled NOT to tell him.
So, Mikael ups the stakes by reaching into Damon’s chest, and literally wrapping his hand around his heart, threatening to pull it out, if Stefan doesn’t talk . . .
Poor Damon! Of all the near-death experiences he has had since the beginning of this series, this one is probably the most gruesome, not to mention dangerous. Stefan initially reacts frighteningly little to the notion that his own brother is about to get his heart ripped out of his chest, causing viewers to wonder just how effectively Klaus HAD succeeded in turning Stefan’s emotions off. But then, at the last second, he gaves, offering to deliver Klaus to Mikael, thereby saving Damon’s life . . . again. (PHEW!)
“See, I’m not so bad.”
Outside the bar, a Happy to Be Alive Damon ribs Stefan for his hidden “brotherly feelings,” and thanks him for saving his life. “Be careful, Brother. Your humanity is showing,” remarks Stefan, echoing a very popular promotional poster for the show that was released back in Season 2.
Though Stefan claims to only have saved his brother to secure his OWN freedom, and not because he particularly cares whether the latter lives or dies, I’m not sure I buy that. I mean, Stefan WAS seemingly able to fight off SOME of Klaus’ compulsion, in that he directly disobeyed his Master’s order, by agreeing to help Mikael. So, it stands to reason that, in the context of that fighting, some of Stefan’s love for his brother leaked through his now-hardened heart.
Of course, that doesn’t stop Damon from kicking the sh*t out of his own brother, right there on the street. Because . . . I mean . . . what’s a brotherly bonding session, without a little brotherly, ass kicking, right? Man for a supposedly all-powerful, high on blood vampire, Stefan sure does get whacked around a lot, doesn’t he?
“Time for my nap!”
And now for the moment you have all been waiting for . . . if you are an Elena fan, at least . . .
First, before I do anything, I just have to share this nifty-little Delena-themed chart I found online. It’s SO PERFECT and spot-on, it’s not even funny . . .
Now, I’m going to link you to the Bedroom Scene in it’s entirety, because, no matter what I say about it, I suspect I won’t truly be able to give it justice. Here you go!
So, yeah . . . as you saw, or didn’t see, Elena arrives home from DAMON’S house, to find Damon cuddling up in HER bed, with HER teddy bear . . .
Though mildly turned on, horny, sexually aroused annoyed by this uninvited intrusion, Elena doesn’t kick Damon out of her bed, as we’ve seen her do in the past. Instead, she crawls under the covers WITH him
Well . . . actually, he’s still ON TOP of the covers. But it’s a start.
(Sidenote: For those of you out there who are Dawson’s Creek / Pacey / Joey fans, how much did this entire scene remind you of the parallel bedroom scene from “Stolen Kisses.)
“You know you are truly in love with someone when you can spend the entire night just watching them sleep.” OK. I just had to put that out there. Dorky fangirl moment, over . . .)
This is truly a testament to how comfortable Elena feels with Damon . . . that she can unself-consciously get into bed with him, and talk about the events of the day, without experiencing any sort of apprehension or fear that he will take advantage of the situation.
Another sign that the Delena relationship is hop, skipping and jumping, toward romantic bliss is the fact that the usually uber judgmental Elena, doesn’t yell at or lecture Damon for releasing Stefan (She knew he had done it, because he had called her, while it was happening.), as he (and we) fully expect her to do.
When you think about it, this is really the first time we’ve seen Elena GENUINELY trust Damon’s judgment. After three seasons, she’s finally figured out that Damon’s century and a half of experience with his brother, outranks Elena’s year and a half. It’s a big step for Elena, who’s always been somewhat of a control freak, particularly where the people she loves are concerned.
And since we are on the subject of big steps, I simply adore the way Elena turns out the light, while Damon is still in the room . . . an inherent invitation for him to spend the night, which is re-emphasized with her final words to him of, “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Yeah . . . right . . . “talk.”
Then Elena turns her body toward Damon, and moves her head inches away from his on the pillow (KISS DAMMIT! KISS! KISS! COME ON! SO CLOSE! You are killing me, here!), to say to him, the sweetest thing she has ever said to him, since, “I like you just the way you are,” back in “As I Lay Dying.”
And here it is: “I think you’re going to be the one to save him from himself. It won’t be because he loves me. It will be because he loves you.” (All together now . . . AWWWWW!)
Aside from the fact that I think Elena is absolutely RIGHT about this (After all, at it’s core, The Vampire Diaries is a show about the unbreakable bonds of family and brotherhood, just as much as it’s a story about a girl and her love for two vampires.), it was something Damon really needed to hear. Having always felt like he was doomed to be the brother in need of rescue, Damon has to feel truly heartened by the notion that the woman he loves believe that HE and only HE can save his brother’s humanity.
Oh, and then Damon watches Elena sleep again, which is just . . . you know . . . AMAZING . . .
And that was “Ordinary People,” in a nutshell. So, what did you think of the episode? Were you satisfied by the answers you received about the Original Family? Were you frustrated by the fact that the only other Original “child” you met, was the kid that got eaten by werewolves? Do you think Elena is right about Damon being the key link to Stefan’s missing humanity? And finally, how excited were you to FINALLY get an end-of-the episode Delena scene that WASN’T cockblocked by Alaric, Stefan, Katherine, etc. . .
Oh, and did I mention that next week is the mid-season finale, which means that after “Homecoming,” airs, there will be NO TVD EPISODES until January 12th?
Hiatuses are awful, aren’t they? Here’s hoping that next week’s episode is action-packed enough to tide us over, during those interminable TVD-less weeks. You can check out the extended American promo for “Homecoming” here:
And . . . here’s the Canadian one. (Though, admittedly, the sound quality isn’t the best. So, turn up your speakers.)
Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks. At least, for now . . . But be sure to tune in next week, or someone from this show might eat you, and not in the “good way,” either. Adios, Fangbangers!
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