Unlikely Heroes – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Belle Femme”

Eddie Kessler.  Sure he may talk funny.  And he’s certainly not the most masculine guy on the block.  But if you need someone to take a bullet throw a defenseless lady in front of a bullet for you, he’s DEFINITELY your guy!

If there was one lesson to be learned from this week’s installment of Boardwalk Empire it was this:  Never discount ANYBODY!  From the small gangly pre-teen, to the sweet-tongued mistress, to the meek sycophantic “Yes” Man — anyone can save you’re ass, at a moment’s notice.  But those same folks can screw you over, just as easily . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at the unlikely heroes and villains of “Belle Femme” . . .

Out with the old, in with the new . . .

 

“Hello, Nucky.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  My name is Opportunistic Prick . . .”

When the episode opens, we find Nucky, and his “loyal” underling Deputy Halloran, at Sheriff Eli’s bedside.  Eli is obviously still recovering from being shot in the spleen by Rothstein’s men, the previous week.  While Nucky’s little brother is mentally just as quick-witted, as he was before the accident (Actually, he’s still pretty dumb, but not any more so than usual.), physically, his prognosis is somewhat worse than expected.  As a result, he will be out of commission for another month.

“A month is a LONG time to be in bed with nothing to do!  Too bad I burned that Hot Nun Porn from last week . . .”

But extended bedrest isn’t the only problem Eli is facing.  He’s also receiving some bad press from the new Democratic Candidate for Mayor.  The Candidate in question not-so-subtly implies, in an interview with a local newspaper, that Eli’s mere presence at the illegal casino suggests misconduct, on his part.

Eli’s second-in-command, Deputy Douchebag Halloran, sees Eli’s misfortune as an excellent career opportunity.  At a “private meeting,” Halloran boldly assures Nucky that, if he were to offer him the job of Sheriff, Halloran would gladly take it.  Initially, Nucky thinks Halloran is kind of an a**hole.  (And we agree.)  I mean, the nerve of this guy to go behind his “friend’s” back and ask his friend’s brother for his friend’s job!

But then Nucky has a meeting with that Old Dude, Commodore.  We can tell immediately, based on the respect with which Nucky regards him (and how friggin huge his mansion is), that the Commodore is supposed to be a fairly “powerful and important”guy.  And yet, all we’ve ever seen him do on the show so far, is fight with his housekeeper, and puke nasty green stuff into a large bowl . . .

“Now, I know how that chick from The Exorcist felt . . .”

Commodore tells Nucky that, in the upcoming election, he should throw support at Republican candidates other than Sheriff Eli and the incumbent Mayor.  Commodore reasons that new candidates (like Deputy Douchebag Halloran, and that random construction tycoon, who Nucky met with later in the episode) will not be as tainted with “bad press” as the men they are replacing.  Nucky agrees immediately (quite possibly, because he has seen The Exorcist, and knows what happens to those who fail to heed the demands of people who puke nasty green stuff . . .)

“Hey!   I resemble that remark!”

Dress for Success . . .

 . . . but when you really want to get things done, UNDRESSED is BEST!

When we first see Margaret, she, and soon-to-be President Warren Harding’s mistress, Nan Britton, are wandering the Boardwalk, for a fun day of sun and shopping.  Unfortunately, for Margaret, Nan isn’t exactly the best conversationalist, as she only has interest in one topic.  “It was love at first sight,” coos Nan nauseatingly, regarding Mr. Harding.  “He was the handsomest man I have ever seen!”

Ummmmmm . . . . OK?

(Pssst . . . I think Nan Britton needs to get out more.)  The duo quickly head to Madame Jeunet’s dress shop, Belle Femme, which seems to be the ONLY place in Atlantic City where the concubines shop  . . . While Nan tries on dresses for Harding’s upcoming Inaugural Ball (Awwwww, that’s sweet!  She actually still thinks she’s going . . .), Madame Jeunet takes Margaret aside to discuss some “private” matters.

“Listen, do you know any politicians in need of a mistress?  Dress shop ownership doesn’t pay what it used to.  Did I mention, I’m a beast in the sack?”

After spending a few minutes shamelessly kissing her former employee’s ass, Madame Jeunet gets down to business.  Nucky’s “tax” collections have become too expensive for the dress shop owner.  If the Madame keeps having to pay these “taxes,” she will go out of business.  So, Madame not-so-subtly suggests that Margaret appeal to Nucky, on her behalf.

At first, Margaret tries the intellectual approach.  She explains to Nucky the financial problems Madame Jeunet is experiencing, and appeals to his sense of fair play.  After all, Madame Jeunet did give Margaret a job, when Nucky asked her to do so.  Nucky, who is not at all used to being told what to do by a woman except during sex —  Nucky always struck me as a “bottom” kind of guy, if you catch my drift, is furious with Margaret for having the gall to try to tell him how to do his job. 

“This is not a suitable topic for conversation,” lectures Nucky.  “You are GROUNDED!  Now, go to your room, and give me a BJ!”

But Margaret is not the kind of gal to give up without a fight . . .

Later that evening, Nucky and Margaret are cuddling in bed, engaging in Nucky’s favorite post-coital topic of conversation: politics.  Nucky is obviously concerned about the upcoming elections.  “What can I do to help?”  Margaret inquires coyly.

Nucky, who correctly believes that women are about to get the right to vote, asks Margaret to campaign on his behalf.  He was impressed by her ability to “wipe the floor” with Senator Hedge at his birthday party, and believes her to be a real political asset to his campaign.  Margaret sees an opening, and jumps on it.  “I suppose [I can do it].  But do you not want me to look pretty?  Do you not wish me to dress well?”  Margaret asks innocently.

“Uh Oh!  I walked right into that one . . .”

“Of course, I do.  You look beautiful . . .  in  . . . um . . . whatever you .  . . um . . . wear . . . um . . . yeah,” Nucky babbles, stumbling over his words.

Margaret smirks, knowing she’s already won.  “Madame Jeunet knows what suits me.  She knows how to make me look my best,” she coos seductively, massaging Nucky’s arms as she speaks.

Apparently, butting into Nucky’s business affairs is a no-no, but wanting to look “pretty,” now, that’s a female desire that Nucky fully supports!  “Is that why you didn’t want Madame Jeunet to lose her business.  Why didn’t you just say so?”  Nucky asks.  “Selfishness is an impulse I fully condone.”

Awwww yeah!  YOU GO, MARGARET!

Current score:  Margaret – 1; Nucky – 0

Back at Belle Femme, Madame Jeunet is thrilled with the financial break she received, thanks to Margaret.  And she tells her as much.  To show her appreciation, the Madame starts kissing Margaret’s ass even harder than before, telling Nucky’s mistress how dignified and classy she has always been. 

But Margaret is not so easily won over.  She is quick to remind Madame Jeunet about how dirty and disgusting she once thought Margaret was, and how often she let her know it.

But Margaret’s real power play comes when Madame Jeunet tries to give Margaret a dress and comb for her daughter, to show appreciation for what Margaret did on her behalf.  “But Madame Jeunet, my daughter did not save your business, I did.”

Current score:  Margaret – 1, Madame Jeunet – 0

The next scene shows Margaret accompanying Nucky to a fancy party, clad in a brand new FREE dress  . . .

Classy, right?  It’s kind of too bad that all that blood from the Dead Lady, who unwittingly took a bullet for Nucky, at the end of the episode, had to ruin it . . .

 I’m betting that baby dress and hairbrush are looking MIGHTY appealing, right now, aren’t they, Margaret?  Don’t let Gordon Gekko’s word’s fool you, GREED IS BAD . . . VERY BAD!

Current score:  Margaret – 0, Dead Lady’s Blood – 150

Jimmy to Nucky: “I’m BAAAAAAACK!”

“Who were you expecting?  The Tooth Fairy?”

Jimmy shows up at Nucky’s office unexpectedly, though he claims NOT to have arrived unannounced.  “I sent you a telegram,” Jimmy says matter-of-factly.

  (I’ll admit, I absolutely thought Jimmy was full of sh*t, when he said this.  But it turns out that he DID actually send a telegram to Nucky.  Just like he DID pay Angela, during all those weeks he was in Chicago.  Shows how much I know . . .)

As it turns out, Jimmy has decided to take Nucky up on his offer to come back and work for him.  However, there are a couple of conditions to his return.  First, Richard Harrow must be allowed to join Jimmy’s Jersey Team . . .

I LOVE THAT GUY!  Now, if only we can get Capone to come too . . .

The second condition is that all discussions that occur between Jimmy and Nucky are to be kept completely private.   “Fair enough,” replies The Boss Man.

Nucky then hands Jimmy over pictures of the entire Philly crew, which is mostly comprised of D’Alessio brothers, and Vinnie Delpino from Doogie Howser, M.D.

In case you were curious, Vinnie is the guy in this picture that ISN’T Neil Patrick Harris.

Now, do you see the resemblance?

These were the guys who shot Eli.  So, Nucky would like them “found.”  “When I find them, what do you want me to do with them?”  Jimmy asks slyly.

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d get them to join my Crooks League Baseball Team.  Clearly, these are guys who know how to swing a bat.”  “Do I have to spell it out for you?”  Nucky growls.

But Jimmy, like Margaret, is no dummy.  He knows he’s got the upper hand on Nucky, and he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.  “I want you to know that you are a murderer.  Because that’s what you want me to do, right?  You want me to kill them?”

“Yes,” Nucky concedes grudgingly.

“Even the kid?”  Jimmy asks, plopping this cute little picture on the desk before Nucky.

“I think I babysat for that guy, once . . .”

Nucky says nothing to confirm or deny Jimmy’s latest inquiry . . .

Nice knowing ya, “Pius.”

“I’m going to go eat my steak,” says Jimmy casually, as if he didn’t just agree to murder some little kid, Vinny Delpino, and the entire Philadelphia Crime Family.

Be afraid, Steak.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Lets Make a Deal.

Speaking of the A’lessio family, they are about to make a deal with Arnold Rothstein, which might cost them their lives.  (I mean that literally.  Rothstein took out life insurance policies on ALL OF THEM.)  As it turns out, Nucky isn’t the only Kingpin with designs on the liquor business. But while Nucky sells locally-distilled, low-quality booze at mid-range prices, Rothstein plans to sell top quality scotch, imported from England.  And the D’Alessio’s are going to help him do it . . . unless, of course, they get whacked first.

Jimmy to Angela:  “I’m BAAAAAAACK!”

When we first see Angela this week, she is having a fine old time with that dweeby photographer, and her lover, his hot-to-trot wife.

The group is about to get involved in a little threesome action, when Jimmy has to show up, and RUIN everything!

(I never thought I’d say this about the arrival of the adorable Jimmy on my screen, but . . .)

Like Nucky, Angela also never got Jimmy’s “telegram.” 

Note to Jimmy:  Next time you need a message delivered, send an owl . . .

It always worked for Harry Potter!

After the photographer and his wife leave, Jimmy and Angela have a conversation that goes a little something like this . . .

Angela:  “I’m not really too happy to see you.   I was going to have a threesome, and you ruined it, Bastard.”

Jimmy:  “Let’s screw on the kitchen table.”

Angela:  “No, that’s gross.  We eat there.”

Jimmy:  “So what?  I’m going to screw you on the kitchen table, right now.”

Angela: “No!”

Jimmy:  “Yes, yes, yes, OOOOOH YES!”

Angela:  *sighs*  Fine.  But I am totally picturing the Photographer’s Wife, while you do me.”

And . . . I bet you will never guess what happens next . . .

Do you think they at least washed the table, first?

Apparently, Jimmy had so much fun screwing his Lesbian Wife, and then eating eggs off the same surface where he did it, that he has now decided he wants to have more kids with her.  Now, if that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is .  . .

But this Happy Family Moment is interrupted, when Jimmy gets a Secret Phone Call .  . .

Lucky Luciano Gets Screwed (Twice)

“I’m so winning the Mother of the Year Award.”

Those of you out there who were MAD at Jimmy’s mom, for repeatedly boinking his enemy, probably forgave her a bit this week.  After all, as soon as Jimmy came back to town, she called him to let him know that Lucky was “indisposed.”  

Once Jimmy arrives, Gillian holds a gun to her former lover’s head, while Jimmy pours coffee on Lucky’s face and naked chest.  “[Al Capone] says I should blow your f*cking brains out,” threatens Jimmy.

“Yeah, that definitely sounds like something I would say.”

“I’d appreciate it, if you didn’t,” Lucky says politely (Rothstein has taught him well . . .)

“You’re coming with me,” Jimmy demands, doing his best Bad Ass Gangster impersonation.

Little does Jimmy know that Lucky, is about to get . . . well . .  . lucky . . .

OMG!  It’s Creepy Van Alden!  How did he know Jimmy was back in town?  You guessed it . . . Western Union!  (See, Jimmy?  Owls!  Stick with the Owls!)  So, Van Alden arrests Jimmy, and brings him to the station, while Lucky laughs his ass off.

“Best . . . Morning . . . EVER . . . Well, aside from the whole ‘being held at gunpoint’ and ‘getting coffee in my crotch’ thing.”

Jimmy’s Going DOWN . . . Or is he?

Over in Crazy Town, Van Alden is supposed to be interrogating Jimmy about the heist, during which he and Al Capone supposedly killed four people.  And yet, the Wackadoo Agent, just can’t seem to stop inquiring about Margaret Schroeder, and her “relationship” with Nucky.  “Listen, if you want to know who Mr. Thompson is f*cking, why don’t you ask him?”  Jimmy asks, quite rationally.

As far as the heist, Jimmy claims he has an alibi.  He was “seeing a movie” at the time.  Unfortunately for Jimmy, there’s an eyewitness placing him at the scene of the crime.  And it looks like Jimmy’s pretty screwed.  The ever-supportive Nucky tells him as much, when he comes to visit his protege in jail. 

“You’re pretty much screwed, Jimmy.”

But fear not, Jimmy Fans!  An unexpected ally is about to come to Jimmy’s rescue.  Agent Sedso, Creepy Van Alden’s second in command (he of the hidden Western Union packages) suggests to Van Alden that Jimmy’s snitch be brought to a safe place, so he can’t be whacked by Nucky’s men.  In fact, Sedso will take him there himself.  (What a NICE GUY!)

So, off the pair head to an undisclosed location.  And, you know what happens next?

Oh yes, boys and girls, that Snitch is GONE!  Apparently, Sedso has been on Nucky’s payroll all along — sabotaging Van Alden’s investigation, and hiding important pieces of evidence, like the Western Union telegrams stating that Jimmy was in town.  And now, all he’s got to do is make the killing look like self defense, by hitting himself on the head with a few rocks.  No biggie!

“There’s nothing wrong with having a few bruises on your face.  It adds CHARACTER!”

So, for those of you out there who were keeping score, by the end of the episode: (1) Eddie saved Nucky’s life (but not that poor woman’s); (2) Agent Sedso saved Jimmy’s life; (3) Van Alden saved Lucky’s life; and (4) Margaret saved Madame Jeunet’s business. 

That’s a lot of “saving” for a single hour!  Who knows where this show will take us next?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Too Hot to Watch” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Hold Me in Paradise”

Poor Eli Thompson!  As if being the Daniel Baldwin of his family wasn’t bad enough.  This guy gets ONE opportunity to show his big brother he’s not a TOTAL LOSER.  And what happens?  He gets stood up, robbed, shot in the stomach, and his BURNING PORN nearly sets his brother’s house on fire!

There is a special place in Hell reserved for people who watch Black-and-White “Wind-up Porn”  starring “Naughty Nuns.”

And yet, the attack that Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky and Co. made on Nucky’s casino, and on Eli, in particular, launched a sequence of events that will undoubtedly shape this series, in the episodes to come . . .

Hard-up for Harding . . .

Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the United States.  And yet, he was only really known for two things: (1) dying while in office; and (2) being the President most often featured on various “Worst President in History” lists.  Harding was a blow-hard, slutty, corrupt, and associated with plenty of known criminals.  And, as far as this show would have you believe, Nucky Thompson, more or less, singlehandedly secured him the Presidency .  . . well . . . at least the Republican nomination.

“You’re welcome.”

Ever since Jimmy Darmody was exhiled from Atlantic City to Chicago, a few episodes back, I’ve often wondered how the writers of this show would tie together what seemed to me like two completely separate storylines.  After all, the show is called Boardwalk Empire, not Chicago Empire.  (Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I LOVE MY WEEKLY DOSE OF AL CAPONE!)

This week, when Nucky headed over to Chicago to attend the Republican National Convention, all those lingering questions were answered. 

At first everything seems to be business as usual for Nucky.  First, talks up that two-timing snake Senator Hedge, who (wrongly) believes himself to be a shoe-in for the Vice Presidential Nomination.

Never trust a man with a Count Dracula hairdo . . .

“We are going to take this thing, Nucky!  And, as soon as we do, the sky is the limit,” brags Hedge.

“The sky?  I’m only interested in the road,” Nucky fires back, not-so-subtly alluding to the roadway deal Senator Hedge made with the Mayor of Jersey City, behind his back.

As it turns out, Hedge has a favor to ask of Nucky.  He wants the A.C. King to attend a campaign event thrown by Harding’s campaign manager — a guy named Harry Doherty (based on Harding’s real campaign manager, of the same name) on his behalf. 

Now, even had I not been familiar with the historical background of Harry Doherty (OK . . . I wasn’t), I could have told you immediately that he would be BAD NEWS, just based on who was playing him.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is Harry Doherty . . .

I’m referring to the guy without the war paint . . . obviously.

Seriously, have you EVER seen this actor (his name is Christopher McDonald, by the way) play a character that wasn’t a total and complete douchebag?  Talk about being typecast!  In fact, if I ever see this guy cast as a do-gooder humanitarian in a film, I might just drop dead, in shock.

But I digress . . .

Upon meeting with Harry, Nucky is so impressed with his ability to be a bigger sleazebucket than he is “work a room,” as well as the obvious power he has over Harding, that the A.C. King decides to get in bed with him . . .

 

I meant that figuratively, of course . . .

So, Nucky and Harry strike up a deal.  Nucky will secure Harding enough delegates to get the Republican nomination, provided the chameleonic Hedge is NOT selected as Harding’s VP.  Furthermore, if Harding agrees to fund Nucky’s”Road Project,” Nucky will take Harding’s “mistress,” Nan Britton, and her son, Harding’s bastard child, off the politician’s hands, until Election Day.  (The mother and child will stay in Atlantic City, with Margaret, and the rest of the “concubines.”)

Before leaving Chicago, Nucky once again runs into Senator Hedge.  Now that he has the “Road” support he needed, and a future President in his back pocket, Nucky no longer needs to kiss this guy’s ass.  “The only chance you’ll have of entering the White House is on a guided tour,” challenges Nucky.

Fear not, Senator Hedge!  There are plenty of other ways to get into the White House, without being a Vice President or Cabinet Member.  For example . . .

How comfortable are you with wearing a bunny suit?

 But Senator Hedge wasn’t the only politician that came off looking lousy, in this episode.  El Presidente didn’t fare too well, either.  Warren Harding’s ramblings to Nucky when the pair first met were pretty bad.  But that LAME ASS poem he wrote to his mistress was FAR WORSE. 

“Hold Me in Paradise,” cooes Mistress Nan, on the train ride back to Atlantic City, as she reads from one of Harding’s infamous “love letters.”

“That imbecile is going to be the next President of the United States,” snarks Nucky, when Nan excuses herself to use the rest room.

Indeed . . .

 Lucy Danziger Teaches Us How to Speak Irish . . .

Meanwhile, back in Atlantic City, Margaret is at the Ritz Carlton, basking in the joys of being a very well-paid prostitute.  Her tea companion is fellow concubine, Annabelle, or, as I like to call her, Miss Wigs-a-Lot.  (Seriously, this lady’s got more mismatched headpieces than Lady Gaga!)

“I’d smile, but my mouth is too sore from sucking . . . lemons.  Why, what did you think I was going to say?”

But Annabelle and Margarets royal snoozefest rollicking good time is interrupted by Margaret’s old boss from the dress shop, who is looking rather worse for wear. 

(Get it?  “Worse for Wear?”  Because she works at a dress shop?  No?  Well, you can’t blame a gal for trying . . .)

Interestingly enough according to IMDB, Margaret’s old boss is named Madame Jeunet.  However, the way Margaret pronounced her name, I thought for sure that she was referring to that girl from Forrest Gump . . .

“Madame Jenny, I am not a smart man.  But I know what dumb annoying slut Lucy Danziger is.”

Anyway, Madame JEUNET is very upset, because Lucy Damnslut has barged into her “fine” dress shop demanding service.  Lucy does this, despite the fact that Nucky cut that Biatch’s unlimited credit line, the minute he found a suitable replacement sex toy . . .

Lucy, as per usual, is totally wasted, and flails about aimlessly, slurring incoherent insults at everybody within shooting range.  She calls Margaret Mrs. McDougal, and Margaret politely corrects her.  (Her last name is Schroeder, thank you very much!)

“Is that Irish for b*tch?”  Lucy inquires, showing off her impressive multilingual skills.  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from HBO?)

Suddenly, Boardwalk Empire has skidded into Spanish Telenovela territory, with the two overly made-up women getting up in each other’s faces, and fighting over one Macho Stallion of a Man.

“You think he’s your friend.  You think you understand him,” challenges Lucy, throwing out the most coherent lines she’s had all episode.

“And what if I did?” Margaret seethes.

“Well than you’re the Dumbest Dora I have ever met,” fires back Lucy.

WELL!  Margaret may share her last name with a Tiny Pianist (and an Irish B*tch?), but she is NO DORA!  And so, like any good Telenovela heroine, Margaret slaps that evil wench Lucy right across the mouth, and stomps out of the Ritz Carlton, in triumph!

“Well thanks for dining and dashing, Dora B*tch!”

How to Scar Your Children for Life – by Angela Darmody

“Oh, don’t be such a prude!  I breast fed that boy, what harm could a few more boobies do?”

Back at the house formerly known as Jimmy Darmody’s, Jimmy’s Gay Wife Angela is busy painting the ugliest naked chick picture I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!  (The sex must be REALLY GOOD, for Angela’s lover to think she’s actually a good artist.  That’s all I’ve got to say . . .)  But the fact that Angela is painting an ugly ass naked chick picture is not NEARLY as disturbing, as the fact that she’s forcing her kid to watch!

“That’s pretty, Mommy,” says the dumbfounded four-year old boy, in a scene he will likely relive OVER and OVER AGAIN in therapy, for YEARS TO COME!

Jimmy’s mom enters the room, takes one look at that HIDEOUS picture, and immediately suggests Angela start thinking about a getting a job that actually gives her a shot at MAKING SOME MONEY.

“You know, we could put that picture outside.  I bet it would keep the raccoons from digging in our trash cans . . .”

But Mrs. Darmody doesn’t want to WORK!  And why should she?  When she has a Sexy Princeton Educated Hoodlum earning for her, over in Chicago!

Just another day at the office . . .

Except, that’s the problem.  Even though WE know that Jimmy has been sending cash to his wife, each week, like a Good Little Hubby, Angela hasn’t received ONE RED CENT!  And Girlfriend is going BROKE!  As it turns out, Jimmy’s “letters” have been regularly intercepted by THIS GUY . . .

Yes, Mr. Van Alden.  It is BAD to steal money from untalented young mothers, who have no alternate means of support.  You are a BAD BOY!  BAD BOY!

Some People Just Weren’t Meant to Procreate . . .

At first, it seemed as though Agent Van Alden was rifling through the Darmody’s mail for “surveillance purposes.”  After all, Darmody was a suspect in robbery / murder, and was, for all intents and purposes, still missing-at-large.  And yet, Van Alden could have easily gleaned the information he needed from the envelopes, resealed them, and simply returned them to Angela’s mailbox, once they had been investigated.  No one would be any the wiser.

Except . . . it seemed that Van Alden had more selfish plans for the bundles of cash he had lying in his desk drawer.  In, yet another AWKWARD husband-wife scene that we have come to accept from this creepy character, Mrs. Van Alden starts bawling at the dinner table, because she has her period.  (It’s OK, Mrs. Van A!  My period makes ME CRY TOO!)

As it turns out Mrs. Van Alden is crazy enough to want to make a Baby Nelson. But she can’t have one, because she has a HOSTILE UTERUS!

But . . . there is HOPE!  For the mere price of $270, Mrs. Van A can MAKE PEACE WITH HER UTERUS, and make babies with her Psychotic Self-Flagellating Husband!  (Umm . . . yay?)

The only problem is that Mr. Van A spends his ENTIRE salary on leather belts and whips.  Therefore, he has no cash to pay for his wife’s  Uterus Rehab.

Later in the episode, we see Van Alden fingering Jimmy’s cash, and slipping it all into an envelope.  We ASSUME the envelope is headed to his Hostile Uterus-having wife, but it is NOT!

Instead, Nelson sent the money back to ANGELA (who, really should have had it in the first place . . .).  Oh, but, don’t worry!  He sent a letter to his wife too!  And it said all sorts of nice stuff in it, like “Maybe the Lord wants you to be barren.  Ever think of that?” and, “Trust in the Lord,” and “Too bad, so sad on you, you Childless Wench!  I literally whack off to a picture of Miss Schroeder on a daily basis.”

That Van Alden’s a real romantic, isn’t he?

In Other News . . .

Arnold Rothstein made a lawyer joke . . .

“I prefer to make my living honestly,” said Mr. Rothstein, when his lawyer suggested he go to law school, based on his award-winning testimony regarding the “Black Sox Scandal,” which Rothstein purportedly orchestrated himself.

Right, Arnie!  Like we’ve never heard THAT one before  . . .

Well, THAT was awkward . . .

Back in Chicago, discomfort abounds, when Nucky is at The Brothel, chatting up Johnny Torrio for scoop on the political situation in Ohio.  It is there that he runs into Jimmy . . .

Nucky doesn’t look the least bit happy to see his “protege.”  Instead, Nucky insults Jimmy, calling him out on being a Deadbeat Dad, for not sending more money to Angela, even though Jimmy can clearly afford to buy himself Snazzy $70 suits, like the one he’s wearing.  Little does Nucky know that Jimmy owns precisely ONE SUIT.   In fact, he hasn’t taken it off once, since he purchased it around episode 4.  (I bet it smells like a dream . . .)

However, Nucky’s tune quickly changes, when he gets a call from A.C., informing him that his casino was robbed, and his brother, Eli was shot and wounded.

Now, suddenly, Nucky is forced to kiss Jimmy’s ass.  He offers Jimmy a sweet percentage of all his bootleg profits, if the Little Guy agrees to come back to A.C., and work for him again.  “I’m doing really well here,” pouts Jimmy, clearly angling for a little fatherly affection, from the guy who was once his surrogate and possibly biological dad.

But Nucky isn’t really one for fatherly affection.  Instead, the A.C. King tells Jimmy that he will always be an outsider in the Chicago Gang, because they are all Italian, and he’s Irish.  But Jimmy plays it cool, telling Nucky, “I’ll think about it.”

However, later that night, we see Jimmy staring forlornly at Al Capone and his buddies, as they play cards, and make “Yo Mama” jokes to one another, in, you guessed it, Italian.

“Hmph!  You guys all think you are SO COOL!  But I bet you didn’t know that Schroeder is Irish for B*tch!  Yo Mama is a TOTAL Schroeder, Capone!”

Knowing full well that the shooting of Eli marks the start to a full-on Gang War on his home turf, a frantic Nucky phones Margaret, in the middle of the night. 

“Isn’t it a little late for phone sex?”

Nucky quickly fills Margaret in on what happened to Eli.  He then instructs her to go to his suite at the Ritz, hide his ledger book, and wait there with her children, until he arrives home.  “You’re the only one I can trust,” says Nucky the Moron.

So, of course, Margaret heads off to La Casa de Nucky.  Once there, she gets a phone call from a “Breather,” and stupidly tells him, “This is Margaret Schroeder.” (That’s Irish for B*tch!)

Seriously?  I thought Margaret was supposed to be SMART?  Who, in their right mind, tells a “Breather” who’s probably out to murder your lover, and ransack the suite where you and your kids are staying, their FULL NAME?  She might as well have given out her Social Security Number, the names and ages of her children, and where in the suite they’d all be, by the time he arrived . . .

Oh, and then Margaret starts sifting through Nucky’s ledger, and acts ALL SHOCKED, when she finds payments made for booze delivery, in there. 

“My goodness!  This is terrible.  My whole life is a LIE!  I could use a stiff drink.  I wonder if Nucky has any whiskey in his office . . .”

As if Margaret HONESTLY had NO CLUE the Nucky was involved in illegal bootlegging, despite already knowing, full well, that ALL the men working for him were. 

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but Lucy Danziger might be the Smart Chick in Nucky’s life after all . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

It’s Getting Hot in Here . . . – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Home”

Let me start by saying how much I’ve been enjoying Boardwalk Empire this season.  The characters are interesting.  The scripts are smart and witty.  The plot twists are unexpected.  However, I do have one small suggestion that would considerably improve my own personal appreciation of the show.  Nametags. 

I can’t tell you how many times, while watching this show, I’ve had to stop and check my notes, to ascertain WHO a particular person was, and HOW he or she related to the main characters of this story.  With a Nametag, all of that information would be right on your television screen!  Allow me to illustrate with some simple examples:

This is Chalky White:

(Nice jacket!)

And this is his Nametag:

This is Al Capone:

And this is his Nametag:

Finally, this is Lucy Danziger:

And this is her Nametag:

Can’t you see how something like this would be VERY helpful to viewers of Boardwalk Empire like you and me?

But enough about that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Old Dirty Bastard

Hide your cats, kids!  Daddy’s home!

Boy, Nucky’s Dad sure ended up being an evil demented wackadoo, didn’t he?  But you know bothered me most about him?  It wasn’t that he told his own son, “You may think you’re king, but you aren’t worth a damn!”   

And it wasn’t that he scalded Nucky’s hand with a hot poker, for grabbing at a loaf of bread, when he was a boy.  It wasn’t even that he landed Nucky in the hospital for 11 days, by forcing him to pick a fight with boys four years older than he.  No . . . I hate Papa Thompson because he’s MEAN TO CATS!

“Only one of us has nine lives, Old Man.  And it’s DEFINITELY not you!”

When we first see him in this episode, Papa Thompson poking the poor felines residing in his home with sticks, and calling them nasty names.  At first, I thought the Old Coot was just talking to himself (as the interminably aged tend to do).  But when I found out he was berating the Purrrfect Ones, he got a big fat X in my book!  Can you really blame those cute little kitties for peeing all over his house?

I’m not going to lie, when the cats tripped Papa Thompson’s ass and he kerplunked on the floor, I cheered!

Remember that old commercial with the elderly lady and her walker?

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

This scene was kind of like that.  Except, the old lady in that commercial, to my knowledge, was never mean to cats.  So, I actually felt bad for laughing at her.

Anyway, Nucky takes time out of his busy schedule of screwing, and screwing people over, to collect his fallen Daddy from the floor of his childhood home.  With Nucky, is his loveable, but not too swift, younger brother, Eli.

The brothers agree that their father can no longer live alone in the house.  Nucky immediately suggests putting his father in an old age home, but Eli won’t hear of it.  “He can stay with me,” Eli offers gallantly.

Later, Nucky meets with an adorably sweet employee of his, who has a wife and tons of kids.  Nucky learns that the employee is saving up to buy a home for his family, but is not able to afford it.  In a rare moment of decency — one that doesn’t involve his own trying to get rich or get laid for change — Nucky generously offers to give his employee the home for free, provided the Family Man can repair it, and remove the cat piss smell from its walls.

The Family Man is overjoyed!

He quickly fixes up the house, using all of his family’s savings on repairs.  When Nucky comes to visit the place, it looks as good as new!  So, Nucky, after a few choice words from his dad, decides to burn it to the ground.

When the Poor Family Man arrives on site to find his Dream Home overtaken by flames, Nucky boredly hands him a large wad of bills.  “Here.  Find a nicer place to live,” he says, before getting in his car, and driving away.

Ouch!  It looks like the apple might not fall too far from the cat-abusing tree . . .

A Few Screws Loose

Over in Chicago, Jimmy’s war injury has been acting up.  So, he heads to a doctor that specializes in treating veterans.  Aside from making some lame jokes about Jimmy having a few “screws loose” in his leg, the doctor provides our antihero with little help.  However, he does suggest that Jimmy submit to some psychological testing for war veterans.

I was actually really surprised that Jimmy agreed to go to the testing center in the first place, because it seemed so out of character for him to willingly do something like that.

“This is what I do to people who ask me to talk about my feelings.”

However, had Jimmy not gone to the test center, he would not have met Richard Harrow, a fellow war veteran, and an expert sniper, with a penchant for shooting guys in the face.  Speaking of faces, did I mention that Richard only has half of one?  The other half must have blown off during the war.  So, Richard has to wear a cool Phantom of the Opera-type mask, which makes him closely resemble a character in a Dick Tracy comic.

As if all this didn’t make Richard awesome enough, he also has this deep raspy voice, like a Budweiser Frog . . .

 . . . and a complete lack of affect, which makes his line delivery sound like something out of the movie RainMan.

“Six minutes to Wapner.  Kmart Sucks.”

Jimmy, who is fast becoming the manager of Team Kickass Gangster, knows a good future hoodlum when he sees one.  So, he quickly strikes up a friendship with the Masked One.  The two play hooky together from Psychological Testing, and head off to Jimmy’s favorite Hangout, Johnny Torrio’s Brothel.  Having concluded that the Masked One has never “been with a woman,” Jimmy nips that problem in the bud, lickety split.  Now THAT’S a good friend!

Later, thanks to a tip from Al Capone (who I WISH was in this episode more), Jimmy arrives at a bar on Chicago’s northside, and confronts Liam — the guy who cut up Pearl’s face a few episodes back, and, ultimately brought about her suicide.

With an eerie nonchalance that would make Michael Corleone proud, Jimmy lulls Liam into a false sense of security, by recounting an old war tale of a German soldier who got caught amidst a tangle of barbed wire, and yet still retained the will to live.  “Sometimes living is far worse than dying,” Jimmy concludes.  “I don’t ever want to see you here again.”

As Jimmy leaves, we hear Liam take a loud sigh of relief.  Then, a pitcher of water across the room from him shatters.  The patrons of the bar look around in confusion.  Then they see it — a small bullet-sized hole in the window.  A hole that matches the one on Liam’s face, right below his eye. 

We cut to an apartment a few floors above the bar, where the Super Cool Richard Barrow is calmly packing his gun back inside a brief case.  It was BY FAR the best scene in this episode!  And the fact that it was accompanied by music from the Phantom of the Opera, and followed by a pivotal scene from the film, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“It was at this moment, that Dr. Jekyll was awakened to the baser sense of his nature.”), just made the whole thing ten times better!

Watching the Jekyll and Hyde film in question, is an increasingly agitated Lucy Dumb Slut, who is not taking her replacement by Margaret as Nucky’s favorite Sex Toy, particularly well.

Be afraid Margaret.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Van Alden’s Big Break

Back at the station, Nelsan Van Alden . . .

 . . . may not be any closer to convicting Nucky for any wrong doing.  However, he sure does seem to be developing a compelling case against Jimmy Darmody!  When one of Jimmy’s accomplices in that liquor raid featured in the pilot episode, is fingered on a bunch of unrelated charges, the Rat quickly drops a dime on Jimmy, in exchange for clemency.

(Ummmm .  . . you can stop hitting yourself now, Mr. Van Alden.  This is very good news for you . . .)

Girls who like Girls . . .

Speaking of Jimmy, remember when we all thought that his wife was banging that photographer, while he was away at war?  Well, it turns out, she wasn’t.  She was banging his wife.  Apparently, Angela is an artist of some sort, and her lover is trying to get her work shown in some swank New York gallery. 

During this scene, we also learn that Jimmy has been wisely putting Nucky’s name on the envelopes containing the money he sends his family monthly, so his rivals will not be able to locate him.  It sure makes him look like a prick to his family, though . . .

Speaking of Pricks . . .

. . . Margaret acts like a bit of one to Nucky, when he tries to tell her about his effed up relationship with his Dad.  “I’m no stranger to a man’s cruelty,” she says, dismissively.  “Sometimes it’s best to leave the past where it is.”

It seems Margaret has been getting some bad advice lately.  The first piece of it came last week from a pamphlet entitled “Family Limitation,” and involved a bottle of Lysol.

This week, one of her new whore friends instructs her not to allow Nucky to talk too much about his personal problems, because it will make him feel “weak.”  Margaret ultimately apologizes to Nucky for her insensitive behavior.  Nucky, to his credit, appears to take her faux pas in stride, eventually coming clean to Margaret about his father’s uncommon cruelty. 

To show there are no hard feelings, Nucky allows Margaret’s kids to call him “Daddy” “Uncle,” and even lets one of them come watch him burn his Dad’s house down. 

Awwwww . . . family bonding!  How sweet!

Meet Michael Lewis Meyer Lansky

While Nucky is huffing, and puffing, and blowing his Dad’s house down, Arnold Rothstein is trying to do the same thing to Nucky’s illegal liquor business.  When Chalky White is visited by a man who calls himself “Michael Lewis,” Nucky’s No-Nonsense Bootlegger becomes instantly suspicious.

“You may stay where the f*ck you standing,” he tells the young man, when the later politely requests admittance into Chalky’s “office.”

“Michael,” as it turns out, has a business proposition for Chalky.  It involves Chalky delivering liquor directly to Michael for $10,000 and cutting out Nucky as the Middle Man.  Though initially intrigued by the idea, Chalky smells a Rat.

“Tell Nucky it’s going to take more than 10 grand for me to f*ck him over,” scoffs Chalky.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying,” concedes “Michael,” as he exits stage left.

Later, we learn that “Michael” (who’s real name is Meyer Lansky) wasn’t working for Nucky at all.  Rather, he works for Arnold Rothstein.

You see, Arnold, Meyer, and Lucky Luciano are trying to get a foothold in the New Jersey liquor business.  But they need capital to do it.  And so, they contact the Philadelphia crime family, which is led by a guy named Mickey Doyle, and that dude from The Sopranos and Doogie Howser, M.D.

(Apparently, it was this Philly gang, and not Rothstein’s gang, who robbed Nucky’s “tax collector” at the beginning of last week’s episode.  See what I mean . . . about them all needing name tags!)

With the help of Lucky’s bravado . . .

“I’m a Captain in bed of Industry!”

 . . . and Meyer’s fast-talking salesmanship, the gangs of New York and Philly quickly form an EVVVVVILLL Alliance against Nucky Thompson.  Together, the two gangs plan to rob one of Nucky’s Atlantic City casinos, and use that cash to finance their own illegal liquor enterprise. 

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s a clever idea  .  . . but I think I liked it better when it was called Ocean’s Eleven . . .)

Arnold Rothstein is cute and all . . . but he’s NO George Clooney.

So, there you have it.  Though it was far from my favorite episode of the series (last week’s “Family Limitations“ probably still owns the crown on that title), “Home” did provide us with some illuminating insight into Nucky’s psyche.  It also introduced us to a couple of intriguing new characters: the enigmatic Richard Harrow and real-life criminal mastermind, Meyer Lansky.

Did I mention, there were cats in the episode?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Who’s Hunting Whom?” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Family Limitation”

Is that a knife in your table, or are you just happy to see me?

During the Prohibition Era, business, politics, and love, were all Blood Sports.  Sometimes you were the Hunter, and sometimes you were hunted.  Your survival depended entirely on how well you played the Game . . .

“Hey . . . nobody said anything about “hunting.”  I thought the 1920’s were just about Booze and Sex . . .”

Let’s take a look back, shall we?

Nucky Gets Scratched and Screwed

When the episode opens, one of Nucky’s goons is collecting “taxes” from some local businesses on Nucky’s behalf.  Then, the Big Doughy Dude gets his ass kicked, and his money stolen, by a little kid and a skinny guy, who were obviously working as a Tag Team.  Now, if you ask me, this was Nucky’s first mistake.  You don’t hire someone who looks like this . . .

 . . . to collect your money for you.  You hire someone who looks like this . . .

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

You know what Nucky’s second mistake was?  Sleeping with her!

Now, I’m sure Paz de la Huerta (the actress who plays Mistress Lucy) is a lovely lady.  But I want this character to “get whacked” so badly, that I actually make fake machine gun noises (complete with accompanying hand gestures) every time she appears on screen. 

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good villain as much as the next girl.  (My favorite characters on this show are Al Capone and Lucky Luciano, if that’s any indication.)  But here’s the thing about good villains — they tend to be either fun, or fun-ny (being hot helps too) and Lucy is none of the above!  In fact, she’s more like . . .boobs meat with eyes . . .

So, anyway, Nucky is lounging in bed with Annoying Ass Lucy.  Noticing how clearly BORED he is with her (and, honestly, who wouldn’t be?), Lucy decides to engage in a little “role playing.”  And that role playing involves pretending to be a “tiger” and scratching Nucky, until he bleeds.

Now, aside from the fact that unnecessary close-ups of Steve Buscemi’s abdominal muscles (or lack thereof) should be avoided at all costs, this had to be the LEAST sexy showing of rough foreplay I have EVER seen in my entire life! Come on, HBO!  I know you can do better.  In fact, I’ve SEEN you do better . . .

I rest my case . . .

After warning Lucy not to get carried away by his UNBELIEVABLE HOTNESS . . .

Ummmm . .  . OK?

 . . . Nucky escapes to the bathroom, and our eyes are finally given a rest.

Professor McGonagall Knows her Birth Control . . .

In the next scene, an embarrassed Margaret heads to the Temperance League to seek advice from her favorite mentor, Professor McGonagall.

It is common knowledge that those who can turn into cats, know a thing or two about pussy love.

Margaret tells Professor McGonagall, that she has received an offer from a Powerful Wizard, who is willing to care for her and her family, provided she cleans his wand every once in a while.  Who is this Wizard you may ask?  Well, Margaret Dare Not Speak his Name . . .

But I will!  I’s . . .  Nucky!  (Why?  Who did you think I was talking about?)

Anyway, McGonagall, who’s been around the block a few times (Dumbledore?  Snape?  She totally hit those!), admits that she does, in fact, think Margaret is a whore.  And yet, she’s surprisingly cool about the whole thing!  “You gotta do, who what you gotta do,” McGonagall tells Margaret, more or less.

However, before Margaret leaves, McGonagall gives her a book entitled “Family Limitations,” written by Margaret Sanger.  Now, because I didn’t know anything about this book, or why McGonagall gave it to Margaret, or what the heck it had to do Lysol, I took the liberty of doing a little research.  Apparently “Family Limitations” was a controversial pamphlet  about birth control, which made it’s way around town during the 1920’s.  As for what the reference to “Lysol” was doing in there? 

Well, I think you can probably figure it out . . .

Speaking of Someone in Need of Lysol . . .

How’s this for an awkward moment.  You are getting it on with your rival’s mother (by the way, I don’t believe for a second that Gretchen Mol, who is in her late 30’s, looks old enough to play Mommy to Michael Pitts, who’s in his late 20’s). 

Then, your boss calls . . .

And he tells you that, not only does he KNOW that you have been getting it on with your rival’s mother, he also knows that the two of you are doing it RIGHT NOW!

All I have to say is, thank goodness they didn’t have web cams back then.  Because, if they did, we all KNOW Rothstein would be checking that stuff out on YouTube . . .

Later, Nucky, who suspects Lucky of being behind the “tax” heist, calls him into his office.  He then, basically, has little brother beat the crap out of the guy. 

Interestingly enough, the beating had NOTHING to do with the “tax theft” and everything to do with Frank talking disrespectfully about Jimmy’s mother.  (Wait . . . NUCKY knew those two were screwing too?  Maybe they did have YouTube back then . . .)

“Everything you see here is mine . . . if you steal from my men, or boink the mother of my illegitimate child you steal from me,” warns Nucky.

“Thank you for showing me how it’s done here,” seethes Lucky, as he exits the office.

Oh, I have a feeling this is FAR FROM OVER . . .

“We’ll Make Them an Offer They Can’t Refuse”

Tensions began to boil beneath the surface for “new friends” Al Capone and Jimmy Darmody, when Al’s lack of knowledge about how to play “Five Finger Filet” (Come on, Al!  I used to play ALL THE TIME in elementary school!  Granted . . .  I used a dull Number 2 pencil instead of a knife.  But still!) leads Jimmy to publicly question Al about his “time as a soldier.”

“Hey!  I was too in a war!  Ever heard of a little thing called the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?  Oh . . . wait . . . that didn’t happen yet . . .”

Later, Johnny Torrio calls Jimmy and Al over to discuss a rival “Family’s” hostile takeover of Torrio’s territory in Greektown, as well as their hostile invasion of Torrio’s brothel (an event, which, as we know, ultimately brought about Jimmy’s girlfriend, Pearl’s suicide).  When Capone tells Torrio to start a war with the rival Family, Torrio scoffs at the idea, and tells the young gangster to “go wash [his] Buick.”

“Are you smart?” Torrio inquires of Jimmy, as a cowed Capone exits the building.

Jimmy suggests that Torrio go to the rival Family and come to an understanding with them.  He agrees with Torrio that out-and-out-war is the wrong way to go.  “But retreating?  How would that look?”  Jimmy asks pointedly.

“What is your obsession with this Schroeder person?”

We’ve all known that Detective Van Alden has had a hard on for Margaret, ever since he started sniffing her stolen hair ribbon, a few weeks back.  But we didn’t know just how far his obsession has gone, until this week.  When Van Alden got a surprise visit from his boss, over at the FBI, he had pretty much nothing to show him that would result in any sort of criminal charges against Nucky Thompson.  He did, however, have a whole lot of intel on Margaret Schroeder, including her personal file . . . a file that is about to be put to some pretty interesting use within the hour . . . (and by “pretty interesting,” I mean “really CREEPY”).

“And then, what am I?”

Back at the mansion, Nucky and Margaret are getting mighty close, when Margaret notices the Lucy-sized scratches on Nucky’s stomach.  (AGAIN with the Buscemi abdominal shot?  SERIOUSLY, HBO!)  “What happened here?”   Margaret asks suspiciously.

“Hunting accident,” Nucky replies.

“Be vewy, vewy quiet.  I’m hunting Ho Bags!”

But Margaret’s no dummy.  She knows Nucky can’t hunt.   She watched The Sopranos.   “Who’s hunting whom?”  She asks smartly.

When Margaret announces she has to leave for work, Nucky, who’s idea of “working” involves screwing slutty girls, drinking, and threatening people, is understandably confused.  “No you don’t,” he pouts, obviously alluding to the “proposition” he made to her, sometime between last episode and this one.

“And then, what am I?”  She inquires skeptically. 

(Well . . . that would make you a Ho Bag, Margaret . . . but a very nice and likeable one . . . kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.)

“Maybe Your C**ny, Isn’t Quite the Draw You Think it Is.”

We are back at the dress shop where Margaret works, when who should stop in, but the Annoying Ass Lucy, who apparently is this shop’s ONLY CUSTOMER.  Lucy is interested in trying on some underwear with a Big Fat Hole in Crotch.  (That’s funny . . . because when my underwear gets a Big Fat Hole in the Crotch, you know what I do with it . . . I THROW IT AWAY!)

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Lucy wants MARGARET to try on the underwear FOR HER!

So, into the dressing room goes Margaret.  And, before you know it, girlfriend is STARK NAKED.

OK . . . so let me get this straight.  She’s trying on underwear.  She’s wearing a dress, with nothing underneath.  So, she takes off her top to put something on her bottom?  Why?  Apparently, HBO stands for “Have Boobs Often” . . .

Anyway, there’s Margaret in her birthday suit.  And Annoying Ass Lucy starts making all these nasty comments are her body.  I basically tuned the b*tch out, so I couldn’t tell you all of what she said.  I do recall, however, that Margaret admitted that she doesn’t wear a bra.

Am I the only one who thought an uptight, shy girl like Margaret would, not only wear a bra, she would NEVER TAKE IT OFF (not even in the shower)?

“I find them uncomfortable,” replies Margaret.

(Ummmm . . . really?  Because you know what I find “uncomfortable”?  NOT WEARING A BRA . . . particularly when doing things like . . . you know . . . walking.)

When Margaret notes that Nucky has no complaints about her body (or lack of a bra), Lucy chooses that moment to go all Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.  Suddenly, her legs are wide open, and, just like every box of cheap kid’s cereal, there is a prize inside . . .

Except, it didn’t look nearly that cute . . .

Margaret lapses into a story about a singing rooster that once fascinated people, but eventually bored them, because it only knew how to do ONE THING.

Lucy, being a total MORON, doesn’t get it . . .

“Maybe your c&*ny isn’t quite the draw you think it is,” explains Margaret.

With that, Girlfriend quits her job at the dress shop, and calls Nucky to accept her new position as Ho Bag – a job that comes with a brand new Barbie Dream House, complete with a built in babysitter, for nights out on the town.

Ho Bag . . . that’s more or less how Margaret’s former neighbor described Margaret, when Van Alden came to her old home looking for her.

“Interesting . . . so that’s why her ribbons smelled like that!  Oh well, nothing a little Lysol can’t cure . . .”

Friends versus Accomplices

While having dinner at Al Capone’s house, Jimmy learns that Al’s son, Sonny, is deaf (a fact that is more or less historically accurate – The real Sonny Capone lost partial hearing as a result of an illness he contracted at age 7.).  Later, Jimmy finds an old love note from the “dearly departed Pearl,” which inspires him to take Torrio’s Greektown negotiation in a different direction . . .

The initial negotiations go quite well, actually.  Sure, there was a little snafu, when Jimmy’s favorite Five Finger Filet Knife and the “skull crusher” attached to it ended up in Jimmy’s throat.  But, other than that, it was fairly uneventful.  At least . . . until Jimmy, Al and Johnny shot the stuffing out of the rival gang, leaving them all dead with a capital D . . .

Oops . . . that might set back “negotiations” a little bit . . .

Later, Torrio holds a celebration at the brothel, in honor of his re-acquisition of Greektown.  At the celebration, he praises Jimmy for his smarts, business acumen, and his amazing ability to look insanely hot while murdering people.  Feeling a bit left out, a jealous Al starts making some not-so-funny jokes to the crowd, about Jimmy cleaning toilets and pooping in his pants.

So, Jimmy retaliates, by making some not-so-funny jokes about Al not really ever being in the army.  AWKWARD!

That night, Al comes to Jimmy’s room with a weapon in his pocket . . .

Oh, don’t worry!  It’s just a STEAK!

Al wants to play nice, and make amends.  He’s really sorry for getting drunk and telling tales about Jimmy’s poopy pants.  But all that “fake soldier” stuff, Jimmy said about him?  That was just “not cool.”  “It makes me look bad,” explains Captain Obvious.  “That’s not how you treat a buddy.”

“Is that what we are?”  Jimmy asks skeptically.

“Yeah, what did you think?”  Al asks.

“Accomplices,” Jimmy replies.

“Same thing,” Al asserts.

With accomplices like these, who needs enemies . . .

Ironic implications aside, the little powwow between Baby Al and Baby Jimmy ends on a relatively high note, with a tearful Al admitting to his son’s deafness, and how guilty it makes him feel.  “I hate to think he’s being punished for the things I’ve done, or the things I’m about to do.”

Well, what do you know?  There is a heart in there!  Not that we’re surprised.  After all, Capone always had a thing for Valentine’s Day . . .

Love Hurts . . . and SCARS.

Alls well that didn’t end so hot for Poor Margaret, who was supposed to go out on a date with Nucky to see Houdini’s Brother perform, but got stood up at the last minute.  So, while Nucky got a little Weiner Appreciation from some naked floozy with a mandolin . . .

 . . . Margaret stayed home with the babysitter and some of the other “Concubine’s Children.” 

Meanwhile, Super Creep Van Alden ogled an underage picture of Margaret from her file.  Then, after learning about her earlier miscarriage, Super Creep got so turned on, that he put her kiddie picture on his night stand, and proceeded to SLAP HIMSELF IN THE BACK WITH A BELT, FOR THREE WHOLE MINUTES, while we all were forced to watch in horror.

You gotta love a little self-flagellation with your Sunday night television!  Honestly, I don’t know who was hurt more by watching this scene, Van Alden or US!  Mike Shannon (who plays Van Alden) does have a pretty sexy back though . . . So, at least there was that . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]