Blood is Thicker Than Water – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 1 Finale “A Return to Normalcy”

“Now, son, you be a good boy, and wash your hands, before dessert.  That Dead D’Alessio’s neck blood under your fingers is probably covered with germs!  Who knows where that guy’s been?”

R.I.P. Guy who used to be on Doogie Howser.  Better luck next lifetime . . .

 Well, Season 1 of Boardwalk Empire quite literally went out with a BANG didn’t it?  The Body Count was HIGH, a President and Mayor were elected, couples were reunited, someone got knocked up, and someone else got a REALLY crappy haircut . . .

Yes, Angela, you keep that hat ON!  Remember what happened to Felicity when she cut HER hair too short on HER show?

*facepalm*

So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a recap of “A Return to Normalcy” . . .

Halloween Just Got a Whole Lot Scarier . . .

Awww, it’s got its mother’s eyes (and its father’s teeth)!

When the episode opens, Van Alden is giving a self-righteous and incredibly lame rousing speech to prospective new FBI recruits.

We learn that one of the men to whom Van Alden is preaching, could end up serving as his replacement.  You see, after the unfortunate death of his partner, Agent Sebso, due to Van Alden holding his head underwater until he drowned while 30-someodd supposedly religious people watched and did NOTHING heart attack, Van Alden has become disillusioned with SINFUL Atlantic City, and the work he is doing there as Prohibition Agent.  Therefore, he would like to leave the FBI and find work elsewhere . . .

“What?  You couldn’t have decided that last week BEFORE you killed me?”

While Van Alden is warning the new recruits against temptation, a smart-mouthed rookie cop, who looks kind of like a Poor Man’s Matt Damon, jokes that Van Alden should “bring on the dancing girls!”

BIG MISTAKE, NotMattDamon! 

Van Alden rewards the celebrity look-alike’s humor, by PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE (therby, forever dashing the poor man’s hopes of ever getting cast in Good Will Hunting 2: Electric Boogaloo . . . )

Back at home, Mrs. Van Alden is clearly disappointed to learn that her husband wants to leave the bureau, and become a farmer . . .

“Now, I’m NEVER going to get to meet Al Capone.  He’s SO DREAMY! *sigh*”

“You were doing the Lord’s work,” Wifey argues . . .

= Lord’s Work

Oh, that Mrs. Van Alden!  She’s such a kidder!

Speaking of folks that Holy Man Van Alden may or may not be schtupping, the Grand Poobah of Hypocrisy gets a very frightening visit at his office, toward the end of the episode . . .

*sings*  “I know all there is to know about The Crying Game . . .”

It was so nice of the show’s writers to give us a reprieve from having to see Lucy Dumb Slut on our television screens, last week.  I guess asking for two in a row, was just too much to ask . . .  The good news is that Lucy only stuck around long enough to tell Creepy Van Alden, that she was carrying his Creepy Van Spawn.  Apparently, having a barren wife, has caused Mr. Back Slappy’s sperm to become a bit restless . . .

Mrs. Van Alden’s Hostile Uterus resents that remark . . . and argues that it has dodged a MAJOR bullet here.

Karma’s a b*tch, Mr. Van A.  And, you just got yourself screwed!

“The D’Alessio Brothers Sleep With the Fishes”

Al Capone shoots people in the face, WHILE smoking cigarettes.  Could he BE any cooler?

For most of the season, Arnold Rothstein has plotted to bring down Nucky Thompson, and take over his Boardwalk Empire.  And yet, with the Feds breathing down his back, and an indictment for fixing the World Series looming over his head, the New York crime boss finds himself in the new-to-him situation of being up “sh*t’s creek without a paddle.”  So, Arnold, being the rational guy he is, decides make temporary peace with his enemy, even if it means eating a little crow, along the way . . .

Tastes like chicken!

So, in a scene mimicking a similar one that took place during the pilot episode, Rothstein and his New York crew (including Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky), meet with Torrio, Capone, of the Chicago crew, as well as Nucky and Jimmy (from their own crew), on a deserted beach in Atlantic City . . .

“Never underestimate the Power of the Bow Tie.”

A deal is struck.  Nucky will make sure that Rothstein is cleared of all criminal charges, in return for $1 million and the known whereabouts of all those pesky D’Alessio brothers.  (I’m guessing Rothstein is MIGHTY happy about those Life Insurance policies he took out on all of them now, isn’t he?)

Then, in a scene that was a clearly a homage to the last 5 minutes of ALL THREE Godfather movies, as well as just about every mob movie I’ve ever seen, we watch Nucky give some dull political speech about ridding Atlantic City of violence.  The speech, of course, is intercut with gory peeks at the violent deaths of all the remaining living D’Alessio brothers, at the hands of Capone, Lucky Luciano, Richard Harrow, and Jimmy.  They even killed that poor little runty kid!

 

Trick or Treat!

Now that’s just wrong!

While most of the D’Alessio’s met their untimely demise by gunshots to the head, the most gruesome death of all came to Max Casella a.k.a. Vinny Delpino from Doogie Howser (one of the few D’Alessios who actually had LINES on the show).  Jimmy whacked him in the barber shop, by slicing his throat open with a knife.

Sweeney Todd would be so proud!

Speaking of BAD haircuts . . .

Splitting Hairs . . .

“When I told you I wanted to find common ground with you, us having the exact same haircut, wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

After a nice leisurely afternoon of neck slicing, Jimmy arrives home to a wife he doesn’t want to talk to, and a kid who doesn’t want to talk to him.  When confronted about her son’s “disrespectful” behavior, Dull as Dirt Angela admits that everyone in the house is frightened of Jimmy, because he has PTSD attacks in the middle of the night, and starts grabbing Angela and screaming at her.

To his credit, Jimmy seems horrified by the prospect of hurting his wife or his son. 

He much prefers beating up and killing grown men, to women and children!  (It pays better!)  Hugging Dull as Dirt Angela, Jimmy tells her that, now that he is home from the war, he wants to really start fresh at being a “family man” to her and Little Tommy.  “Were you in love with her?’  Jimmy plaintively asks Angela, in reference to her “Kissing Friend” Mary, who “left for Paris” last week.

Although Angela initially assures Jimmy of her love for him, the expression on her face when she receives a postcard, supposedly from Mary, with a cheesy picture of the Eiffel Tower on it, and the even cheesier line (“Forgive me, but don’t forget me.”) written across its back, says differently.  Oh, and lets not forget that AWFULLY butch Little Dutch Boy haircut Angela was sporting at the end of the episode! 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of it online.  However, I can tell you that it looked a little something like this . . .

“Don’t look directly at it, Son.  You might go blind.”

It was the Maid . . . in the Kitchen . . . with the Cookies . . .

Meanwhile, a much healthier looking Commodore is accusing his maid of poisoning him, his dog, Jimmy, and Cookie Monster, with her arsenic-flavored cookies . . .

“Still tastes DELICIOUS . . . nom . . . nom . . . nom.”

The Maid admits to poisoning her boss so quickly, and easily, that it really got me wondering whether she was taking the fall for somebody else. 

“Moi?”

Nucky’s reaction of refusing to arrest the Maid, and paying her to get out of town, seemed only to confirm my suspicions.

“And another one down, and another one down . . . another one bites the dust.”

“I certainly understand why you’d want to, but you can’t go around poisoning people you have to get others to do it for you,” Nucky lectures the Maid, before giving her a fond farewell.

Now, like Nucky, I’m not exactly mad at the Maid for trying to off Commodore Pedophile, either.  But she ABSOLUTELY deserves to go to jail for killing the POOR DOG!

“B*tch is going DOWN!”

“I tell you my sorrows . . . you pretend to be sympathetic .  . . we wind up in bed.”

“Well, geez, Nucky!  Now you’ve gone and spoiled all of Season 2!”

Having abandoned La Casa de Nucky, Margaret is now shacking up with that TOTAL MORON, Nan Britton, who is STILL convinced that Warren Harding is going to leave his wife for her, as soon as he becomes President.  While the pair are out frolicking through a cemetery, in honor of, Halloween, Margaret conveniently comes across the grave of Nucky’s son, who died, after having lived only six days.

Nucky’s SUPER harsh reaction to her daily “Lysol Baths” suddenly making a lot more sense to her, Margaret rushes to see Nucky, just as he is preparing to attend a Halloween party.  Nucky’s “costume” looks kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only about 500 times LESS SEXY!

When Margaret arrives, Nucky goes to remove his mask, but she tells him to keep it on.  “It suits you,” she says flirtatiously.

And so does THIS . . .

When Margaret asks Nucky about his lost son, the Atlantic County Treasurer at first does not want to talk about it.  “I tell you my sorrows . . . you pretend to be sympathetic . . . we end up in bed,” whines Nucky, as if nookie with Margaret is the WORST thing that could possibly happen to him.

“Oh, please no!  Don’t have orgasmic, mindblowing, sex with me!  Anything but that!”

Eventually, Nucky tells Margaret about how he was always afraid to hold his frail newborn boy.  Therefore, he busied himself with work, during its first days home from the hospital.  After a few days, Nucky finally gets the courage to hold his son.  But when he goes to take the child from his wife, he sees that it has been dead for many days.  His wife just refused to believe this was so.  She suffered from serious depression, as a result.  One month after the baby was buried, she slit her wrists and died.

“The times with you and the children in the house . . . I have never been happier or more terrified in my life .  . . And now you know more about me than anybody here,” Nucky admits.

A tearful Margaret is touched by Nucky’s story.  Much of his behavior toward her makes sense now.  After all, she too lost a baby.  Margaret then tells Nucky that she is planning on leaving Atlantic City, for good.  Nucky offers to give her money, but she declines.  “There is a kindness in you,” Margaret insists.  “How can you do what you do?”

“We all have to decide how much sin, we can live with,” Nucky says sadly.

“Mr. Thompson, I am pleased to have finally made your acquaintance and I would really like to f*ck you now,” says Margaret, before bidding Nucky adieu.

“She’ll be back.  They always come back.  I mean, who can resist this Hot Hunk of Man Cheese?”

The Thrill of Victory, and The Sweetness of Revenge

Halloween is over and election day is here.  That means Nucky and his friends are going to have to ramp up the corruption and campaign rigging to a whole new level, if they want to get those Republicans in office!  Bribes exchange hands.  People vote multiple times in multiple districts.  The dead are registered to vote . . .

 . . . as are the undead.

Shortly before election day, Chalky White approaches Nucky, reminding him of his ability to control the African American vote, a contingent that is much coveted on both sides of the political divide.

“I RULE!”

So, Chalky’s going to need a few favors from Nucky, before he can offer his services.  He asks for cash, a car, and an invitation to the inaugural ball.  Nucky seems fine with the first two, but the last request concerns him a bit.  This is 1920, after all . . .

On Election Day, Nucky is shaking babies and kissing hands (or whatever the heck that old expression is supposed to say) . . .

 . . . when he locks eyes with Margaret, on the voting line.  They eye f*ck eachother for a bit, but say nothing.

Ultimately, Nucky’s stool pidgeon, Mayor Bader, wins his election.  (Ummmm, yay, I guess?)  Everyone seems to be happy with the results, except Eli, who, understandably, is still pissed about being passed over as Sheriff in favor of Opportunistic Prick . . .

Nucky doesn’t understand what Eli is getting so cranky about.  (Little Bro must be on the rag.)  “I gave you a cut of Rothstein’s money,” argues Nucky.

Eli is not impressed.  But I would be.  Do you have any idea how much $1 million was back in 1920.  That’s A LOT of salad!  “What you say affects people,” Eli lectures.  “There are consequences to what you say, and what you do.”

Nucky continues to try and plead his case, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you have to trust me.  Blood is thicker than water.”

“And tastier too!”

“But why does it have to be MY blood?”  Eli whines.

As if on cue, Mayor Bader announces to the party that his first act as Mayor will be to fire Opportunistic Prick Halloran, and reinstate Eli as Sheriff.  Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like there is a New / Old Sheriff in Town.

HAHA!  Sayonara, SUCKA!

So, it would appear that Nucky was looking out for his little brother, after all!  He just needed the Little Guy to lay low, until elections were over, so, as not to bring about any bad publicity related to Eli’s “Casino Scandal” to the Republican party.  The problem is that Eli doesn’t seem to see it that way . . .

Jimmy doesn’t really see it that way, either.  And when he drunkenly starts asking people at the Mayor’s party whether Nucky  “pimped their mothers out too,” (which is REALLY inappropriate, but kind of hilarious), Eli realizes he may have just located an unlikely ally . . .

Later, a pretty wasted Jimmy arrives at his Pedophile Dad’s house — still stewing over Big Pimp Nucky, and his wife’s Little Dutch Boy haircut.

Jimmy spikes Commodore’s milk with arsenic whiskey, and the Commodore rewards his son, by sharing with him a little bedtime stor,y about the time that Commodore took the fall for Nucky’s rigging of an earlier presidential election.  While Commodore stewed in jail, Nucky quickly rose to power, thereby terminating any chance Commodore would ever have of running Atlantic City again.

Commodore warns Jimmy, that Nucky is doing the same thing to him, using Jimmy’s talents for his own personal gain, and forcing him to do what Nucky himself doesn’t have the stomach for.  Commodore then reveals to Jimmy the big plans he has for his future.  “You are my flesh and blood.  You are going to take Atlantic City back for both of us.”

Then, who should enter the room?  But Nucky’s very own brother Eli . . . and he has . . . you guessed it . . . a plan.

Careful, Eli!  Remember what happened to that OTHER BROTHER who thought he could screw over his smarter, more powerful sibling and get away with it?

My advice to Eli?   Try not to go fishing anytime soon . . .

Margaret and Nucky — Together Forever For Now

While Pedophile, NotFredo, and Henry from Dawson’s Creek are plotting revenge against Nucky, Margaret is busy tarting herself up in a surprisingly low-cut flapper dress, in hopes of winning the Man Cheese back! “But what has made her change her mind, so suddenly?”  You ask . . .

Well, it all started when Margaret found a piece of rag in her cake . . .

Oh, don’t worry!  She baked it in there, on purpose!

You see, apparently, the Irish have something called a “Barnstack Cake,” into which you bake a rag, a coin, and a wedding ring.  (Sounds to me like a lawsuit waiting to happen . . .)  Then, when you eat the cake, if you get the piece with the wedding ring in it, you will get married.  If you get the piece with the coin in it, you will be rich.  And, if you get the piece with the rag in it, you are destined to be poor and destitute, FOREVER. 

Moron Nan got the wedding ring piece, thus proving Margaret’s Barnstack Cake must be TOTALLY broken!

But when Margaret got the rag piece, she got a little freaked out.  And so, off she ran to Nucky’s Party of the Week, Dressed to Screw.  At the party, just like in every romantic comedy I’ve ever seen, Nucky’s and Margaret’s eyes meet from across the room.  (I kept waiting for that song from Pretty in Pink to start playing in the background.) 

“I touch you once.  I touch you twice.  I won’t let go at any price . . .”

The pair come togther.  They drink champagne.  (Temperance Barbie, Margaret, is TOTALLY going to become an alchy!  I can just feel it!)  Margaret even calls him Uncle Nucky.  (Because EVERYBODY screws their uncles!)  

Then, it is announced that the Worst President in History, Warren G. Harding, has just been elected.  In his inaugural speech, he advocates a Return to Sh*t Normalcy.  Everybody claps, even THIS GUY . . .

Chalky is such a sex stallion, that he impregnated the ENTIRE ballroom, just by looking at them (even the old men!)

The episode ends with a slightly tipsy Margaret and Nucky leaving the party at dawn, strolling out toward the Boardwalk, and staring contentedly at the sunrise . . .

The whole thing was cheesy as heck, and yet, an oddly appropriate end to the show’s first season.  Except . . . was I the only one who expected someone to pop out from behind, and shoot Nucky in the head, at the last second?

Yeah . . . I definitely watch too many Gangster Movies . . .

See ya next year, folks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Too Hot to Watch” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Hold Me in Paradise”

Poor Eli Thompson!  As if being the Daniel Baldwin of his family wasn’t bad enough.  This guy gets ONE opportunity to show his big brother he’s not a TOTAL LOSER.  And what happens?  He gets stood up, robbed, shot in the stomach, and his BURNING PORN nearly sets his brother’s house on fire!

There is a special place in Hell reserved for people who watch Black-and-White “Wind-up Porn”  starring “Naughty Nuns.”

And yet, the attack that Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky and Co. made on Nucky’s casino, and on Eli, in particular, launched a sequence of events that will undoubtedly shape this series, in the episodes to come . . .

Hard-up for Harding . . .

Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the United States.  And yet, he was only really known for two things: (1) dying while in office; and (2) being the President most often featured on various “Worst President in History” lists.  Harding was a blow-hard, slutty, corrupt, and associated with plenty of known criminals.  And, as far as this show would have you believe, Nucky Thompson, more or less, singlehandedly secured him the Presidency .  . . well . . . at least the Republican nomination.

“You’re welcome.”

Ever since Jimmy Darmody was exhiled from Atlantic City to Chicago, a few episodes back, I’ve often wondered how the writers of this show would tie together what seemed to me like two completely separate storylines.  After all, the show is called Boardwalk Empire, not Chicago Empire.  (Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I LOVE MY WEEKLY DOSE OF AL CAPONE!)

This week, when Nucky headed over to Chicago to attend the Republican National Convention, all those lingering questions were answered. 

At first everything seems to be business as usual for Nucky.  First, talks up that two-timing snake Senator Hedge, who (wrongly) believes himself to be a shoe-in for the Vice Presidential Nomination.

Never trust a man with a Count Dracula hairdo . . .

“We are going to take this thing, Nucky!  And, as soon as we do, the sky is the limit,” brags Hedge.

“The sky?  I’m only interested in the road,” Nucky fires back, not-so-subtly alluding to the roadway deal Senator Hedge made with the Mayor of Jersey City, behind his back.

As it turns out, Hedge has a favor to ask of Nucky.  He wants the A.C. King to attend a campaign event thrown by Harding’s campaign manager — a guy named Harry Doherty (based on Harding’s real campaign manager, of the same name) on his behalf. 

Now, even had I not been familiar with the historical background of Harry Doherty (OK . . . I wasn’t), I could have told you immediately that he would be BAD NEWS, just based on who was playing him.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is Harry Doherty . . .

I’m referring to the guy without the war paint . . . obviously.

Seriously, have you EVER seen this actor (his name is Christopher McDonald, by the way) play a character that wasn’t a total and complete douchebag?  Talk about being typecast!  In fact, if I ever see this guy cast as a do-gooder humanitarian in a film, I might just drop dead, in shock.

But I digress . . .

Upon meeting with Harry, Nucky is so impressed with his ability to be a bigger sleazebucket than he is “work a room,” as well as the obvious power he has over Harding, that the A.C. King decides to get in bed with him . . .

 

I meant that figuratively, of course . . .

So, Nucky and Harry strike up a deal.  Nucky will secure Harding enough delegates to get the Republican nomination, provided the chameleonic Hedge is NOT selected as Harding’s VP.  Furthermore, if Harding agrees to fund Nucky’s”Road Project,” Nucky will take Harding’s “mistress,” Nan Britton, and her son, Harding’s bastard child, off the politician’s hands, until Election Day.  (The mother and child will stay in Atlantic City, with Margaret, and the rest of the “concubines.”)

Before leaving Chicago, Nucky once again runs into Senator Hedge.  Now that he has the “Road” support he needed, and a future President in his back pocket, Nucky no longer needs to kiss this guy’s ass.  “The only chance you’ll have of entering the White House is on a guided tour,” challenges Nucky.

Fear not, Senator Hedge!  There are plenty of other ways to get into the White House, without being a Vice President or Cabinet Member.  For example . . .

How comfortable are you with wearing a bunny suit?

 But Senator Hedge wasn’t the only politician that came off looking lousy, in this episode.  El Presidente didn’t fare too well, either.  Warren Harding’s ramblings to Nucky when the pair first met were pretty bad.  But that LAME ASS poem he wrote to his mistress was FAR WORSE. 

“Hold Me in Paradise,” cooes Mistress Nan, on the train ride back to Atlantic City, as she reads from one of Harding’s infamous “love letters.”

“That imbecile is going to be the next President of the United States,” snarks Nucky, when Nan excuses herself to use the rest room.

Indeed . . .

 Lucy Danziger Teaches Us How to Speak Irish . . .

Meanwhile, back in Atlantic City, Margaret is at the Ritz Carlton, basking in the joys of being a very well-paid prostitute.  Her tea companion is fellow concubine, Annabelle, or, as I like to call her, Miss Wigs-a-Lot.  (Seriously, this lady’s got more mismatched headpieces than Lady Gaga!)

“I’d smile, but my mouth is too sore from sucking . . . lemons.  Why, what did you think I was going to say?”

But Annabelle and Margarets royal snoozefest rollicking good time is interrupted by Margaret’s old boss from the dress shop, who is looking rather worse for wear. 

(Get it?  “Worse for Wear?”  Because she works at a dress shop?  No?  Well, you can’t blame a gal for trying . . .)

Interestingly enough according to IMDB, Margaret’s old boss is named Madame Jeunet.  However, the way Margaret pronounced her name, I thought for sure that she was referring to that girl from Forrest Gump . . .

“Madame Jenny, I am not a smart man.  But I know what dumb annoying slut Lucy Danziger is.”

Anyway, Madame JEUNET is very upset, because Lucy Damnslut has barged into her “fine” dress shop demanding service.  Lucy does this, despite the fact that Nucky cut that Biatch’s unlimited credit line, the minute he found a suitable replacement sex toy . . .

Lucy, as per usual, is totally wasted, and flails about aimlessly, slurring incoherent insults at everybody within shooting range.  She calls Margaret Mrs. McDougal, and Margaret politely corrects her.  (Her last name is Schroeder, thank you very much!)

“Is that Irish for b*tch?”  Lucy inquires, showing off her impressive multilingual skills.  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from HBO?)

Suddenly, Boardwalk Empire has skidded into Spanish Telenovela territory, with the two overly made-up women getting up in each other’s faces, and fighting over one Macho Stallion of a Man.

“You think he’s your friend.  You think you understand him,” challenges Lucy, throwing out the most coherent lines she’s had all episode.

“And what if I did?” Margaret seethes.

“Well than you’re the Dumbest Dora I have ever met,” fires back Lucy.

WELL!  Margaret may share her last name with a Tiny Pianist (and an Irish B*tch?), but she is NO DORA!  And so, like any good Telenovela heroine, Margaret slaps that evil wench Lucy right across the mouth, and stomps out of the Ritz Carlton, in triumph!

“Well thanks for dining and dashing, Dora B*tch!”

How to Scar Your Children for Life – by Angela Darmody

“Oh, don’t be such a prude!  I breast fed that boy, what harm could a few more boobies do?”

Back at the house formerly known as Jimmy Darmody’s, Jimmy’s Gay Wife Angela is busy painting the ugliest naked chick picture I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!  (The sex must be REALLY GOOD, for Angela’s lover to think she’s actually a good artist.  That’s all I’ve got to say . . .)  But the fact that Angela is painting an ugly ass naked chick picture is not NEARLY as disturbing, as the fact that she’s forcing her kid to watch!

“That’s pretty, Mommy,” says the dumbfounded four-year old boy, in a scene he will likely relive OVER and OVER AGAIN in therapy, for YEARS TO COME!

Jimmy’s mom enters the room, takes one look at that HIDEOUS picture, and immediately suggests Angela start thinking about a getting a job that actually gives her a shot at MAKING SOME MONEY.

“You know, we could put that picture outside.  I bet it would keep the raccoons from digging in our trash cans . . .”

But Mrs. Darmody doesn’t want to WORK!  And why should she?  When she has a Sexy Princeton Educated Hoodlum earning for her, over in Chicago!

Just another day at the office . . .

Except, that’s the problem.  Even though WE know that Jimmy has been sending cash to his wife, each week, like a Good Little Hubby, Angela hasn’t received ONE RED CENT!  And Girlfriend is going BROKE!  As it turns out, Jimmy’s “letters” have been regularly intercepted by THIS GUY . . .

Yes, Mr. Van Alden.  It is BAD to steal money from untalented young mothers, who have no alternate means of support.  You are a BAD BOY!  BAD BOY!

Some People Just Weren’t Meant to Procreate . . .

At first, it seemed as though Agent Van Alden was rifling through the Darmody’s mail for “surveillance purposes.”  After all, Darmody was a suspect in robbery / murder, and was, for all intents and purposes, still missing-at-large.  And yet, Van Alden could have easily gleaned the information he needed from the envelopes, resealed them, and simply returned them to Angela’s mailbox, once they had been investigated.  No one would be any the wiser.

Except . . . it seemed that Van Alden had more selfish plans for the bundles of cash he had lying in his desk drawer.  In, yet another AWKWARD husband-wife scene that we have come to accept from this creepy character, Mrs. Van Alden starts bawling at the dinner table, because she has her period.  (It’s OK, Mrs. Van A!  My period makes ME CRY TOO!)

As it turns out Mrs. Van Alden is crazy enough to want to make a Baby Nelson. But she can’t have one, because she has a HOSTILE UTERUS!

But . . . there is HOPE!  For the mere price of $270, Mrs. Van A can MAKE PEACE WITH HER UTERUS, and make babies with her Psychotic Self-Flagellating Husband!  (Umm . . . yay?)

The only problem is that Mr. Van A spends his ENTIRE salary on leather belts and whips.  Therefore, he has no cash to pay for his wife’s  Uterus Rehab.

Later in the episode, we see Van Alden fingering Jimmy’s cash, and slipping it all into an envelope.  We ASSUME the envelope is headed to his Hostile Uterus-having wife, but it is NOT!

Instead, Nelson sent the money back to ANGELA (who, really should have had it in the first place . . .).  Oh, but, don’t worry!  He sent a letter to his wife too!  And it said all sorts of nice stuff in it, like “Maybe the Lord wants you to be barren.  Ever think of that?” and, “Trust in the Lord,” and “Too bad, so sad on you, you Childless Wench!  I literally whack off to a picture of Miss Schroeder on a daily basis.”

That Van Alden’s a real romantic, isn’t he?

In Other News . . .

Arnold Rothstein made a lawyer joke . . .

“I prefer to make my living honestly,” said Mr. Rothstein, when his lawyer suggested he go to law school, based on his award-winning testimony regarding the “Black Sox Scandal,” which Rothstein purportedly orchestrated himself.

Right, Arnie!  Like we’ve never heard THAT one before  . . .

Well, THAT was awkward . . .

Back in Chicago, discomfort abounds, when Nucky is at The Brothel, chatting up Johnny Torrio for scoop on the political situation in Ohio.  It is there that he runs into Jimmy . . .

Nucky doesn’t look the least bit happy to see his “protege.”  Instead, Nucky insults Jimmy, calling him out on being a Deadbeat Dad, for not sending more money to Angela, even though Jimmy can clearly afford to buy himself Snazzy $70 suits, like the one he’s wearing.  Little does Nucky know that Jimmy owns precisely ONE SUIT.   In fact, he hasn’t taken it off once, since he purchased it around episode 4.  (I bet it smells like a dream . . .)

However, Nucky’s tune quickly changes, when he gets a call from A.C., informing him that his casino was robbed, and his brother, Eli was shot and wounded.

Now, suddenly, Nucky is forced to kiss Jimmy’s ass.  He offers Jimmy a sweet percentage of all his bootleg profits, if the Little Guy agrees to come back to A.C., and work for him again.  “I’m doing really well here,” pouts Jimmy, clearly angling for a little fatherly affection, from the guy who was once his surrogate and possibly biological dad.

But Nucky isn’t really one for fatherly affection.  Instead, the A.C. King tells Jimmy that he will always be an outsider in the Chicago Gang, because they are all Italian, and he’s Irish.  But Jimmy plays it cool, telling Nucky, “I’ll think about it.”

However, later that night, we see Jimmy staring forlornly at Al Capone and his buddies, as they play cards, and make “Yo Mama” jokes to one another, in, you guessed it, Italian.

“Hmph!  You guys all think you are SO COOL!  But I bet you didn’t know that Schroeder is Irish for B*tch!  Yo Mama is a TOTAL Schroeder, Capone!”

Knowing full well that the shooting of Eli marks the start to a full-on Gang War on his home turf, a frantic Nucky phones Margaret, in the middle of the night. 

“Isn’t it a little late for phone sex?”

Nucky quickly fills Margaret in on what happened to Eli.  He then instructs her to go to his suite at the Ritz, hide his ledger book, and wait there with her children, until he arrives home.  “You’re the only one I can trust,” says Nucky the Moron.

So, of course, Margaret heads off to La Casa de Nucky.  Once there, she gets a phone call from a “Breather,” and stupidly tells him, “This is Margaret Schroeder.” (That’s Irish for B*tch!)

Seriously?  I thought Margaret was supposed to be SMART?  Who, in their right mind, tells a “Breather” who’s probably out to murder your lover, and ransack the suite where you and your kids are staying, their FULL NAME?  She might as well have given out her Social Security Number, the names and ages of her children, and where in the suite they’d all be, by the time he arrived . . .

Oh, and then Margaret starts sifting through Nucky’s ledger, and acts ALL SHOCKED, when she finds payments made for booze delivery, in there. 

“My goodness!  This is terrible.  My whole life is a LIE!  I could use a stiff drink.  I wonder if Nucky has any whiskey in his office . . .”

As if Margaret HONESTLY had NO CLUE the Nucky was involved in illegal bootlegging, despite already knowing, full well, that ALL the men working for him were. 

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but Lucy Danziger might be the Smart Chick in Nucky’s life after all . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]