[Greetings Fangbangers! The TVD Season 3 Finale Recap is on its way. I should have it up by early Saturday morning, EST! We have A LOT to talk about!]
“Try and hit me with your car again, LOSERS!”
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on GG, Donut Dan’s frightening Medusa-like bedhead, and crippling self doubt, threatened to end his relationship with Blair.
But, unfortunately, it’s not quite dead . . . yet . . .
just paralyzed from the waist down, and begging to be put out of its misery.
Also on GG, Lola and Ivy gave us a glimpse into the future of both of their respective acting careers . . . by posing as
high middle lower-middle class call girls.
Meanwhile, Serena, after weeks of pretending to be Gossip Girl, put on a headband, and pretended to be Blair Waldorf instead. (Clearly, this is a Multiple Personality Disorder waiting to happen.)
In other news, Bart Bass is adjusting to not being dead anymore. And who knows? In another year or two he might even re-learn how to emote and display real facial expressions . . .
So, slap on your sassiest headband, pick up your favorite flavor of gelato (as long as it’s not pistachio), and, for Heaven’s Sake, hide your diary, because it’s time for another GG cap . . .
“What did we bury that day?”
I suspect few GG fans would disagree with me, when I say that, as amusing as Bart Bass: Real Estate Magnate of the Undead is to watch, it’s pretty much the most ridiculously unbelievable plotline these writers have ever put on our screens . . . well, except for maybe that whole “Pact with G*d” thing. Actually, Chuck Bass thinks it’s pretty ridiculous too. This is why he meets with his father, early on in the episode, in hopes of getting some much needed answers for himself, and, by extension, GG viewers.
“You look pretty good, for someone who’s been underground for three years, dad. Was there a tanning bed in your hidey hole?”
Bart explains to Chuck how one of his Big Bad Competitors . . . one with some all-too-convenient “connections to the mob,” tried to get Bart killed in that fateful car accident. So, Bart, being the strong, powerful, manly man that he is, decided to deal with it by . . .
going Ninja on his would be killer’s ass going to the police and having him arrested ruining him financially by buying out all his hotels using his own mob connections to kill the guy right back giving him a royally painful wedgie burrowing in an underground hole for three years, while wearing a Snuggie, and watching a whole lot of Real Housewives episodes. Bart Bass . . . MY HERO!
“This guy even makes ME look good!”
But Chuck’s not done with his interrogation. There’s so much about this situation that still confuses him . . .
and me. Like, for example, how did Bart manage to fake a flatline in the hospital, while the entire Bass / VDW clan was standing over him, pretending to be genuinely upset about his demise? And what or who exactly did they put in Bart’s coffin for the faux funeral? Actually, I have a few ideas about that one . . .
Also, how did Zombie Bart manage to sneak blood to Chuck, without anyone knowing he was there . . .
or that he supposedly has no pulse? Chuck wants to know the answers to all these questions. But, most of all, he wants to know who tried to have his father killed, so that he can get REVENGE.
not real death of my father . . . I think I read a book about that once . . .”
So, Bart answered these questions, right? I mean, of course, he had to answer these questions. A show simply can’t have a character come back from the dead, after three years, without explaining to fans how it happened . . . right? RIGHT?
Noooo . . . sorry. You lose, Chuck Bass! Thanks for playing! Better luck next Undead Dad!
By the way, I miss Monkey. Where’s he been lately?
It would have been easy to laugh off a moment like this. But Ed Westwick gave the situation some genuine gravitas, illustrating how this cold callous man had the power to transform the dignified, often cocksure, adult Chuck Bass, into a vulnerable boy in desperate need of his father’s love and affection. “What is this? You’re kicking me out? You’re just going to disappear, and leave me alone again?” Chuck inquires, eyes filling with tears, as one of his father’s henchmen bodily removes him from the premises.
It’s literally impossible not to feel for Chuck in this scene. And yet Bart Bass seems to manage it quite well. Seriously, I’m starting to think that the guy is actually a cyborg. It would explain so much . . .
Louis-bot approves . . .
Despite all this, Chuck is still determined to vanquish his father’s enemies, Amanda Clarke from Revenge-style. He turns first to one of his most “loyal and trusting” henchmen, Andrew Tyler. You know, the guy who Chuck is forever throwing ridiculous sums of money at to provide him with misinformation nearly every week? But Andrew doesn’t want to take the case, despite Chuck’s willingness to pay him three-times his normal fee. He, apparently, has better things to do . . . like needlepoint . . . or spelunking.
“I’m not just a P.I. / lawyer. I’m also dress up like a clown for children’s birthday parties . . .”
Come on, Andrew Tyler! Buck up, buddy. Chuck is offering you obscene amounts of money to find the secret not-killer of a secret not-dead guy. And he’s pretty much guaranteed to pay you, even if you provide him with the wrong name. (He’s done it before!) So, tell him it was Oscar the Grouch or something, take the money, and run. It’s not like you actually have “morals,” or anything . . .
Shunned by his father, and spurned by the uber-un-talented Andrew Tyler, Chuck is now more determined than ever to find out who orchestrated his father’s car accident, all those years ago . . .
“No need to be a Jealous Freak.”
While Donut Dan is in the shower, wrestling with the ferocious Chia Pet that, since last week, has made a nest in his head and given birth to an entire litter of tiny baby Chias . . .
. . . Blair is busy sexting with Chuck . . .
Chuck’s reply text: ”I’m fine now that I got this pesky underwear off. How are you?”
(By the way, I love that Blair is so prim and proper in her texting. She even uses capital letters and punctuation marks.)
Unfortunately, before Blair can tell Chuck that she’s not wearing underwear, she receives a call from Dan’s agent, who quickly informs her that the Donut has turned down Italy on her behalf. Blair, understandably, is furious. I mean, here she was, finally being given the opportunity to spend the summer away from Donut Dan, so that she could carry out an awesomely torrid affair with Chuck Bass across every limo in Manhattan . . .
. . . and Humpty Humphrey totally ruined it for her.
So, selfish, right?
Blair begs the Donut to reconsider his decision. After all, she explains, “Rome is just two glasses of Chardonnay away . . . assuming you drink wine really, really, really slowly.”
She goes on to assure this puff pastry that he has absolutely nothing to worry or be jealous about, when it comes to Chuck. And her argument would probably be considered pretty convincing too . . . provided Dan has never rented the first four seasons of Gossip Girl on DVD . . .
“The most important thing in a relationship is trust . . . after sex, hygiene, and earning potential.”
Though Blair acts all cool, calm and collected with her hairy temporary tattoo of a boyfriend, beneath the surface, she’s furious with him for lying to her. And so she turns to the only woman who could really understand her pain . . . Serena van der Woodsen, the woman who’s not-so-secretly still in love with Dan. Way to be sensitive, Waldorf!
Ditched by Dan, canned by Nate, bested by Serena, and ousted by Gossip Girl herself, you can tell that the slings and arrows of life have started to take their toll on Serena. For starters, she’s wearing a sweater that looks like it’s been chewed up and spit out, by a pack of rabid coyotes . . .
“Some girls eat their feelings, when they get upset, I eat my fabrics.”
And when Blair starts waxing poetic about the trust issues threatening her
totally lame relationship with the Donut, and how honestly is like the eighth most important thing in a good relationship (distantly behind good sex and hygiene, and not getting your hair done by the Tazmanian Devil), Serena feels compelled to confess her own Gossip Girl-centric sins to her bestie . . .
“Oh, while we are on the subject, I’m also secretly Perez Hilton and that ’I'm a lawyer’ guy from TMZ.”
So, was Blair furious with her BFF for hiding this HUGE secret from her? Not a bit! In fact, Blair seemed more disappointed that she herself didn’t get the opportunity to dirty blog the “scandalous lives of Manhattans elite,” than betrayed by her bestie. Now that Blair mentions it, I too am kind of disappointed that the sassy, manipulative and side-splittingly sarcastic, “Origina Gangster” Queen B never got to take the helm as Gossip Girl. For one thing, I think she would have been ten times better than Georgina or Serena at the job . . . giving the actual GG a real run for her money, in the process.
Also, it would have been a heck of a lot more interesting to watch then this whole “pretending to date Dan fiasco.”
Speaking of Blair’s love life, she runs into Chuck Bass, as she’s leaving Serena’s place. As per usual, the chemistry between the two is electric. Blair looks at Chuck, eyes filled with concern and thinly-veiled longing. She wants to know how he’s processing this overload of information regarding his father.
She can see the pain in his expression, though he tries to remain strong. When Chuck tells her that his father is leaving town again, and asks for her help and moral support, she agrees without question. It’s the only thing she can do.
BLAIR: “You mean, aside from in your pants? Not that I can think of?”
“Waiiiiittt . . . what about meeeeeee?!!!”
So, Blair follows Chuck into his limo for the second time in as many episodes
LIMO SEX! LIMO SEX! LIMO SEX!, while, Dan searches for her to share some boring important information about Italy. Haha! SUCKA!
“When this Chair’s a-rockin . . . take a taxi Humpty Humphrey.”
“Dan needs you . . . to pretend you still have feelings for him.”
While Chuck and Blair wait to speak to Diana, in hopes of getting answers about Bart Bass’ past, Serena calls Blair to warn her that the Donut is on the prowl.
“Dan needs you,” Serena warns.
(Um, sorry Dan, but Chuck needs her more. Why don’t you call back when Rufus fake dies, and we can talk?) Nevertheless, Serena’s guilt trips works on Blair enough to get her to leave Chuck with his not-mother Diana.
Speaking of Diana, didn’t she have like the longest guest star stint, ever? Because it sure seemed like she did. That said, it’s hard not to enjoy a scene that begins with Chuck “thanking” Diana for lying about his father, traumatizing him for life, by pretending to be his mother, and f*&king his best friend. (For that last one, Diana thanks him right back. After all, when it comes to Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass has always been the Best Pimp Ever.)
“Nate always gets so slutty when he drinks.”
Knowing full well that Nate Archibald has become the sex / blackmail monkey on her back, Diana is eager to strike with her not-son. She agrees to tell Chuck who tried to kill his dad, in exchange for him getting Nate off her tail, and shipping her back to run a London newspaper with her “reputation” in tact. (Um, what reputation, Slutty McWhoreson?)
Later, Diana pops by Chuck’s house to offer him the name of the murderer, in question: “Mason Nevens” . . . fakest . . . name . . . ever (my apologies to all those Mason Nevens out there, who might be reading this). Apparently, “murderer” and “mob connected” aren’t Mason’s only flaws. He also has a fetish for twin prostitutes. (Apparently, it’s a requirement on the Upper East Side for all real estate magnates to be psychotic manwhores.)
Why am I thinking these aren’t the type of twins he’s talking about?
Though Diana initially seems willing to help Chuck catch Mason en flagrante with the Ladies of the Night, in order to help him achieve vengeance on his father’s behalf
(I don’t know . . . I still think “murdering dad,” is a lot higher on the “bad news” list than “embarrassing me with fake hookers.” But, hey, what do I know!), she quickly changes her tune, when she learns that Nate and Lola ratted her Escort Service running self out to the New York Times.
Chuck is understandably furious. So, he comes clean to the rest of the gang about the whole situation with his not-dead dad, so that they know exactly what they just cost him. Then again, since Diana already gave Chuck all the information he needs for the Mason Nevens smackdown, it sort of doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. Feeling more than a bit guilty for what just happened, NJBC . . . and Lola vow to help Chuck carry out his plan.
Elsewhere, Blair learns that Dan has somehow managed to get back on the Summer in Italy writers roster, and has scored Blair a spot as well. Blair, honestly, doesn’t seem too enthused about spending another summer, in another European country, with another boring boy toy who isn’t Chuck (remember Louis-bot?). And yet, possibly out of feelings of guilt, Blair agrees to the trip, as well the preliminary interview with the folks who are running the program, which is supposed to take place later that day.
Of course, minutes before the interview is supposed to take place, Blair gets a call from the NJBC informing her that her scheming services are needed for Chuck’s Mason Neven’s Takedown. “Ummm . . . I’ll be right back. I have to go get . . .
macaroons gelato . . . or something,” Blair fibs, as she makes her hasty retreat to Chuck Town. Yeahh . . . that’s my girl, Queen B. It’s good to see that you have your priorities back in order . . .
“Handcuffs . . .every good girl has them.”
To be perfectly honest, Blair’s role in the scheme of coaching Lola, and her “twin” Ivy in the art of playing believeable prostitutes, was kind of superfluous. She absolutely could have done it over the phone, and still made it back in time for Dan’s stupid interview. And the fact that Blair sent Serena to do it in her place, just shows how much more important Chuck is to her than the Donut. Because of that, I agree with her actions wholeheartedly . . .
Oh yeah, and her High Class Hooker 101 monologue was just jam-packed with awesomeness. “You think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes,” Blair quips, when questioned about how exactly she knows all this stuff.
(Are those crotchless panties? OMG!)
Speaking of Blair’s lingerie choices . . .
(I see what you did there, writers. You naughty little teases, you!)
Original Gangster Blair indeed . . .
Meanwhile, Nate’s and Lola’s New York Times tip, has Diana on the lam. She’s planning to take Bart Bass out of the country, never to be seen again, ASAP. This means Lola and Ivy better hurry up and be hookers fast
(shouldn’t be that hard for Ivy) . . .
. . . or Chuck will lose his father again . . . this time, possibly for good.
“You two make an . . . interesting . . . couple way more interesting than the REAL Dan and Blair.”
Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Donut Dan is shocked, when a headband clad Serena introduces herself to the “Italy Trip Interviewer Guy” as Blair. So, he makes this face . . .
What I adored about the scene was the way that Serena used the interview and her false identity as a way to subtly bash the Dair relationship. “We couldn’t stand eachother for years. Now we’re madly in love. It’s like a movie,” Serena quips. “We’re like Brad and Angelina, once they got Jennifer Aniston out of the way.”
Dopey Dan, of course, knows exactly what Serena is doing, and is clearly uncomfortable in the situation, which makes me very happy.
Not surprisingly, Faux-Blair and Donut ace their interview, since Serena and Dan have always been a much more believable couple than Dan and Blair ever were. Things almost go south, when Interviewer guy runs into Blair’s mother, who unwittingly refers to Serena by her proper name. But, fortunately, Dorota takes the bullet. “I’m Serena! I’m doing fine Miss Waldorf,” she says quickly.
How can you not love Dorota?
After the interview, Donut Dan wonders out loud why Blair keeps lying to him. He suspects it’s because she doesn’t really love him, and doesn’t want to go to Europe with him. (Gee, ya think?) Despite still being madly in love with Dan, Serena quells his fears about his relationship with Blair, by telling him the truth about the whole Chuck Bass Thing. Donut Dan seems relieved by the explanation. Donut Dan is an idiot . . .
“Inappropriate Transient Women.”
Back at the Whore House Hotel, Lola and Ivy giddily practice striking “sexy poses” in overpriced lingerie . . . .
. . . while they wait to entrap the elusive Mason Nevens. Then, Andrew Tyler randomly pops up, and tell them that Chuck wants them to follow him back to Bart’s hideout. Oh, come on Andrew! “Daddy said you should come with me?” That’s the Oldest Trick in the Child Abduction Handbook. Anyone over the age of five would know that . . .
But not Ivy and Lola, who seemingly fall for the trick, hook, line and sinker. However, Lola is skeptical enough at least to tell Blair where she’s going. She, in turn, tells Chuck, and the plan is back in motion . . . except there’s now a new target, Andrew Tyler himself.
In a TOTAL, “Scooby Doo,” “those meddling kids moment,” Father and Son Bass corner Mr. Tyler, and he sings like a canary. Apparently, HE was the one who sold out Bart to Mason, when the latter threatened the lawyer / PI’s family. Of course, the police are conveniently right outside the door to hear Little Orphan Andy say all of this. They arrest him right there on the spot. Nice knowing you, Andrew Tyler. Try not to drop the soap!
Alone at last, Bart boredly thanks his son for bringing . . . well . . . not his actual not-killer . . . but the henchman of his not-killer . . . to justice.
Although honestly, the elder Bass doesn’t seem all that enthused about it. Is this just a Botox thing, or is Bart still hiding something?
For his part, Chuck conversationally quips that the only thing he ever learned from his father was how to screw around with “inappropriate transient women.” On behalf of Inappropriate Transient Women everywhere, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Bart Bass for that as well.
Oh, and Bart still has to break it to Lily that she now has two husbands. This ought to be fun . . .
In other news, Nate decided to not sell out Diana for being a Whore Monger, after all . . . how nice for her.
“Dear Diary . . . I’m so f*&ked.”
Back at the Waldorf house, S and B share a super sweet moment, where they congratulate eachother on yet another NJBC victory, and Blair thanks Serena for doing such a great job impersonating her . . . even if she did volunteer to teach English in Italy on Blair’s behalf. (Oops!)
The besties then declare their love for one another, and Serena encourages Blair to DUMP THE DONUT, SO SHE CAN DATE HIM tell the Donut how she really feels about him.
But Blair and “I love you,” kind of have a bit of a checkered history . . .
. . . so it’s understandable that she is a bit gun shy about saying those words
to anyone other than Chuck Bass again also, she’s not in love with Dan . . . like at all.
“I want the next time I say [I love you] to be the last,” Blair muses.
Good for you, Blair! That’s one of the smartest things you’ve said all season . . . though that thing you said before about the handcuffs was pretty genius too . . .
So, of course, now that S’s and B’s relationship is awesome again, the real Gossip Girl has to go eff it up, right?
Yep, it appears Chuck Bass wasn’t the only one with vengeance on his mind this week. Gossip Girl, herself, is still mighty pissed at Serena for stealing her laptop, and her title. So, Serena’s going to pay for that, big time . . . with her relationship to Blair. Apparently, Blair keeps a not very-well-protected diary of her inner most thoughts. (Really, Blair? Have you learned nothing from Every Teen Show Ever?)
Now, Gossip Girl has Blair’s pages scanned on her computer. And she’s ready to share them with the world, GG-style. She’s also proud to share the source of this new information. And the winner is . . . wait for it . . . Serena van der Woodsen.
So, what does the first page of the diary reveal? Why, Blair’s lukewarm feelings for Humpty Humphrey, of course.
Ruh-roh Upper East Siders, I smell a cat fight!
Next week on Gossip Girl, Serena gets drunk and jiggy on a bar with maybe Donut Dan . . . or dreams about getting giggy with him . . . or gets jiggy with Donut Dan’s bad hair twin, and imagines it’s him. Also, Blair still loves Chuck.