You are what you steal. If this episode of Once taught us anything, it’s probably that.
From the time that we’re little, all of us are told to be good. Be kind. Don’t break the Ten Commandments, and such.
But are there times when the end justifies the means . . . loopholes where you can accomplish deeds traditionally seen as “bad” or “wrong” and yet still be able to look at yourself in the mirror each day and say, “I’m a good person?”
Maybe . . .
There sure was a lot of stealing going on in this episode, some for “moral,” “honorable” purposes, others for ridiculous, psychotic evil purposes. There were the tangible things like bottles of magical juice, both real and fake, money, a wallet, rent-controlled apartments. And then there were the less tangible things: a heart, a happy ending, the life of another, the face of another?
Confused? Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .
Worst Chase Scene Ever . . .
Let me pose a scenario for you. You have a middle-aged, not particularly athletic-looking, alcoholic writer type running through the woods . . . well, actually it’s more like a leisurely, albeit slightly asthmatic jog. This gentleman is being pursued by two opposing parties.
Party One consists of a former thief and expert marksman, a kickass bail bondsman (who also happens to be a former thief), a dragon-slaying prince, and a swashbuckling pirate, all in their late twenties and relatively physically fit.
Party Two consists of a kind of rough-looking late 50-something guy who walks with a cane and occasionally, when it is convenient for the plot, has a severe limp.
So, how do you think this is going to go? Here are the three options:
Middle-aged, out-of-shape writer bests them all and gets away
Party One tackles his ass
Party Two limps his way to victory
If you chose answer (b) like a logical person or answer (a) like a slightly less logical person with a flare for the creative, you clearly have not been watching this show for a long enough time.
Rumpel wins this round, as we all knew he would, easily overtaking the Author, while Snow and Charming continue to fail miserably at every aspect of life that doesn’t involve “Twue Wuv” and Emma once again proves herself to be the worst bail bondsman ever.
Rumpel finds the Author attempting to slice some wood off a tree and use it to literally write himself out of the mess he’s gotten himself into. There’s only one problem. Apparently authors of fairytales can only write with quills from the Enchanted Forest, and Storybrooke’s forest is just a boring old forest whose only enchantment is the occasional Gypsy Moth problem . . .
Fortunately, Rumpel has a magical pen for the Author to borrow . . .
Unfortunately, he wants him to use it to turn Emma into an Asshole and give all the other Assholes in this story the happy endings they don’t deserve . . .
Ruh roh . . .
Still feeling high from his victory, Rumpel visits Regina in her lair to taunt her with a napkin Robin Hood used to scribble his digits for Regina. People who don’t use modern technology are so precious . . . except when they’re the Unibomber . . . or cultists.
Regina looks longingly at her cell phone into which Robin’s number has been dutifully entered. Should she call it? Wait for him to call her? Send a text with vaguely sexual innuendo-laden emoticons?
As she ponders this age-old question, we flash back to the not-so-distant past . . .
It’s a fact of life faced by every television show that centers around a high-school aged cast of characters.
I mean, sure, you can make time stand still for a little while . . . waving that magic TV Land Wand that converts three years into one REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG YEAR. You could never show a summer vacation . . . put that “Prom Episode” off indefinitely . . . cover up your perpetually 17-year old male character’s increasingly receding hairline, by giving him a sudden fondness for hats. But, just like death and taxes, it’s inevitable . . . EVERYBODY GRADUATES . . .
So, what’s a show to do?
Well, as a television producer, you have three options really. Option 1: You bow out gracefully . . . end on a high note, with your cast of characters triumphantly tossing their graduation caps into the air . . . play a mildly wistful Top 40 tune about memories, as you quickly run through a montage of some of your show’s best moments . . . then fade to black as your television show shuffles off to that increasingly populated High School TV Graveyard in the sky . . .
Option 2: You attempt to tackle the Dreaded College Years . . . the ones that . . . let’s be honest . . . for most of us, were about TEN TIMES BETTER than high school, in real life, but, for whatever reason, never seem to translate all that well on the small screen. You try to explain away haphazardly, the reasons why your school valedictorian is attending the same four-year university as the Kid Who Almost Flunked his Junior Year, because he still quite hasn’t managed to master the art of “reading,” and the One Who Spent a Good Portion of his Senior Year in jail . . .
Well, OF COURSE, he’d go to the same college as certified genius, Veronica Mars!
You introduce a few new characters . . . but not too many . . . because everyone knows that nobody ever really likes the “New Characters” in shows about “The College Years,” anyway. And besides, in TV Land, everyone is always meant to live happily ever after with their High School Sweetheart . . . right?
Option 3: You go the “Next Generation” route. You give a couple of your most popular characters, long lost little sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, and nephews they never knew they had. You bring in an almost entirely new troop of actors . . . ones who could actually still pass for 16, even if you aren’t filming them from across a really, really long hallway. You basically create an entirely new series . . . except it’s not actually a new series, because each of the supposedly New Characters seems almost eerily similar to one of the Old Characters, who just graduated.
Unless, you’re Glee . . . in which case, you will proudly choose Option 4 . . . All of the Above . . .
That’s right, Gleeks. In a move that will either end up being touted as ingenious, or derailed as ridiculous, the Glee writers have (1) ended their third season, in a way that could have easily been construed as a series finale; (2) created a College Years Show-with-in-a-Show for it’s lead ingenue, and a few of her most popular pals; and (3) returned to McKinley High to tackle the “Next Generation” of New Directions . . . complete with a Long Lost Brother from Another Mother . . .
I’ll be honest, when I first read that this was Ryan Murphy’s vision for Glee‘s future, I thought the idea was, at best, overly ambitious, and, at worst, just plain awful. So, color me surprised, when I watched the season premiere and found myself enjoying it more than I’ve enjoyed an episode of Glee in quite some time.
By now, if you’re like me, you’ve probably already read about 25 recaps of “The New Rachel.” So, I’m not going to bore you with another one. Let’s just “The Good, The Bad, the U-GLEE” it, shall we?
The Good . . .
Cassandra, Jake, Marley, Brody . . .’s abs . . .
OMG! I like most of the new characters on Glee . . . like really them . . . I may even like them better than some of the old characters on Glee . . . though, I’m not going to mention any names . . .
In a world where teachers tend to be cartoonish . . .
. . . ineffectual . . .
. . . or downright irksome . . .
I like that Cassandra July is a brand of teacher we haven’t seen on this show before . . . BITTER, EDGY, and KIND OF HOT, in a bitter . . . edgy, Lindsay Lohan Trainwreck, kind of way . . .
Here’s the thing . . . I’ve never really been a huge fan of Kate Hudson’s. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think she’s a fine actress, and that she has really enviable bone structure. I just always had trouble buying her as the Lead in a Romantic Comedy, Who Everyone is Supposed to Hope and Pray Gets the Guy in the End. I don’t why . . . I think it has something to do with the fact that underneath those
“charming smiles,” and “witty one-liners,” she always seems SO MEAN . . .
In my eyes, this is the role Kate Hudson was always meant to play. And I just, hands down, loved her in it . . .Plus, I mean, who hasn’t wanted to pull the prissy, self-entitled, Rachel Berry down a peg or two, at least once or twice, throughout the course of this series?
I mean, sure, she doesn’t quite have Rachel Berry’s pipes, and that ridiculous cap she was wearing throughout the episode was like something straight out of a Dickens’ novel. And yet, in a world, where every single character is LOUD, BIG, and OVER THE TOP, Marley has something truly special that you just don’t see anymore on this show . . . understated charm . . .
Puck’s Long Lost Brother? The “Chip on His Shoulder?” He “throws tantrums” . . . turns down help from the Teacher Man? I mean, why not just paint a sign on his back that says, “I will be filling the role of Bad Boy with the Heart of Gold, thank you very much.”
But, I don’t know . . . there’s something about this guy that I really like . . . something that screams potential . . .
Plus, I started shipping him with Marley, the minute they exchanged that WAYYY too obvious Slow-Motion-Longing-Look in the hallway, during the show’s second half hour . . .
In addition to THESE new characters, I’m also enjoying Rachel’s and Kurt’s new journey. For a show that’s often touted as being painfully unrealistic, I thought Rachel Berry’s homesickness, loneliness, and new-found fear of failure, coupled with the need to pretend with her old friends and family that everything was “cool,” touchingly real.
I mean, who didn’t feel precisely like this, their first few weeks away at college?
And while Kurt’s “Glory Days,” storyline, definitely had a bit of a “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt” kind of quality, who out there didn’t get teary, when Burt Hummel told his son that he could always come back home from New York, but that he knew he wouldn’t?
I found the “Chasing Pavements” cover kind of forgettable. And though I loved Darren Criss’ interpretation of Imagine Dragon’s “It’s Time,” the musical number itself was something we’ve seen about a million times before, on Glee . . .
Conversely, while I adored “Unique’s” performance of “Boogie Shoes,” last season, I’m still not quite sold on the character of Wade / Unique, who kind of reminds me of Every Bad Drag Queen Impersonation I’ve Seen in Every Movie Ever . . .
I think I liked her better, when her name was Regina George, or, better yet . . . Santana Lopez . . .
And though I do love me some Brody abdominal action, the character himself seemed a bit milque-toasty, and too-good-to-be-true for me, which kind of makes me hope Ryan Murphy surprises me, by giving the character a sleazy underbelly . . . but I’m suspecting he won’t . . .
They used to at least look like slushees, back in Season 1 . . .
And while we are on the subject of icky, if I have to spend an entire season listening to Sue Sylvester make Baby Poop, and Menopausal Mommy jokes, I think I’m going to hurl. I don’t care how cute that baby is . . . CRAP IS CRAP!
All-in-all . . . though? I think New Glee got itself off to a great start. Intriguing characters . . . interesting storylines . . . newly shippable couples . . . and have I mentioned Brody’s abs?
In the weeks between spring finale time, and the summer television season, TV fans tend to do one of two things: (1) reflect on seasons past or; (2) look ahead to the new season. As for me, my intention in writing this post was to do the latter. But I ended up doing quite a bit of the former, as well.
Allow me to explain. You see, having recently watched all the new trailers from this years’ network upfronts, my original goal was to select the five new series with the most potential to end up on my new 2012/2013 TV roster, and review their trailers. However, after I made my selections, it occurred to me that all of the series I chose shared one interesting commonality: Lost.
You guys remember Lost, right? You know, the show about the plane crash, where the writers promised that the characters weren’t in Purgatory, until the last season, when it kind of / sort of turned out that was exactly where they were . . .
Why? Personally, I think these shows failed because they focused too much on trying to emulate the crazy plot twists, erudite literary references, and rampant conspiracy theories of the older series, while virtually ignoring the one thing that really made Lost shine . . . its characters. After all, before all the flashbacks, flash-sideways, and flash forwards . . . before the polar bears, Hurley birds, and omniscient dogs . . . before there were Others, Dharma Initiatives, donkey wheels, hatches, and secret videos starring a guy with one arm . . . Lost was simply about fourteen fascinating people, who just so happened to be flying on the same ill-fated plane.
As I mentioned earlier, all five of the news series on my Most Likely to Watch list all seem to possess certain qualities that make them seem particularly Lost-like. (Well, actually four of them do. But I’ll get to why I chose the fifth one, in a bit.) The question is, will any of these series be able to pull off the unique mix of script, characters, plot, and mystery necessary to become TV’s Next Big Thing?
Let’s analyze, shall we?
666 Park Avenue – ABC
Clearly, the most obvious connection between 666 Park Avenue and Lost is this guy . . .
Terry O’Quinn . . . a.k.a John Locke. In a clever (and possibly slightly tongue-and-cheek) bit of casting “the producers of Gossip Girl and Pretty LittleLiars” have opted to hire Oceanic Flight 815’s resident Man of Fate, Denizen of Destiny, and an eventual alter ego for The Black Smoke Monster / a.k.a. The Man in Black to play the Devil. So now we know that at least one character on this show will be exceptionally well-acted. But stunt casting alone is not enough to make for a successful show.
As for the concept of the series, intriguing as it is, it’s nothing new. 1997’s The Devil’sAdvocate boasts a similar premise, in which the Devil takes Manhattan, and faces off against a similarly upwardly mobile late twenties to early-thirty something couple, by tempting them with riches, and only partially disclosing their true cost . . .
And yet in 1997 we weren’t reeling from a recession caused by the burst of a very large real estate bubble. What better time to explore a television series in which the much maligned 1%ers actually ARE evil incarnate? So, the series boasts not only a solid cast (Vanessa L. Williams also stars), but also a timely premise. But there are other Lostian aspects this show offers, which could end up making it a success, if the writers handle them correctly.
Just like that “other show,” 666 Park Avenue offers an over-arching mystery, along with some tantalizing questions that, if producers play their cards right, viewers can chew over and discuss for seasons to come. What exactly is the Devil doing in real estate? What happened to the last managers of the Drake Apartments (I think most of us know the answer to that already. “Warmer climates?” HA!) What’s the deal with the dragon etched on the basement floor? And, perhaps, most importantly, what are the HOA fees for living in a place like that?
But what’s really going to make or break 666 Park Avenue, I think, is its cast of characters. Lost explored the lives and backstories of its various survivors with great sensitivity, and depth. 666 Park Avenue has the opportunity to do the same thing with its various apartment tenants. Who are these people who live in the Drake? What drives them, and what ultimately enticed them to sell their soul for some extra square footage, a view of Central Park, and an on-site gym?
Only time will tell . . .
CULT – THE CW
Folks who have spent these past few weeks wondering what happened to vampire-slaying history teacher, Alaric Saltzman, after he croaked on The Vampire Diaries, can breathe a sigh of relief now . . .
Though often written off as a “teen television” channel, over the past few years, the CW has enjoyed a surprising amount of success producing shows for a slightly younger, hipper audience who are seeking series that are a bit darker, and grittier than your typical “bright and shiny” network fare. And from the looks of it, Cult might just prove to be the darkest and grittiest of them all. Just watching the trailer gave me chills . . . probably because that TV Guy / Possible Cult Leader looks and sounds like a cross between Hannibal Lecter, Kevin Spacey’s character in Seven, and, of course, Benjamin Linus from Lost . . .
But of course, Cult shares more in common with Lost than just an average-looking, kind of creepy, but still oddly charismatic, intellectual type, who might be a cult leader. Much like it’s predecessor, Cult will offer its fans countless conspiracy theories, clues to unravel, mysterious happenings to be explained, lots of oddly dressed folks with dubious motives to puzzle over, and most importantly, confusing, but compulsively rewatchable, YouTube videos . . .
What intrigues me most about Cult is how unabashedly “meta” it seems to be. I mean, here is a show that blatantly eviscerates the one thing it needs to survive as a series: a diehard fandom. This, of course, begs the question, could Lost fans be driven to commit murder, simply because Benjamin Linus asked them to do so? Well, maybe if he asked really nicely . . .
Revolution – NBC
Here’s another timely premise, in light of the world’s increasing dependence on technology to survive (not to mention Facebook’s catastrophic failure as a stock IPO.) Imagine a world completely without technology, that’s populated by folks like us, who can’t remember a time before the existence internet, and who can’t let a day go by, without checking our e-mail, sending a text message, or asking SIRI if it’s raining outside.
Of all the shows on my new TV viewing roster, this J.J. Abrams-produced one probably wins the prize for being the most Lost-like. Let’s see, we’ve got an unexplained supernatural phenomenon and/or terrorist act, that has cut off our main characters from technology, a sustainable food source, and the benefits of generalized medicine, forcing them to spend hours wandering aimlessly in the woods, looking dirty . . . and hot . . .
We’ve got repeated flashbacks to a climactic event, which, when viewed together, at the end of the series should explain everything . . . almost. We’ve got various factions of people, some who want things to remain as they are now, and others who want to “go back” to the way things once were . . .
We’ve got snarky rogue-loners, who begin the series looking out only for themselves, but inevitably “learn to love” and become the series’ obvious unlikely heroes . . .
We’ve got nerdy professor types who spend the entire series looking vaguely confused, while trying to “figure it all out.”
Heck, we even have weird ancient-looking symbols, and those dopey, green-screen computers from the 80’s . . .
But beyond all those superficial similarties, I think “Revolution” has the potential to be a true character study, just as Lost was. After all, nothing exhibits the true nature of a person better, then putting them in a completely unfamiliar situation, without the benefits or camouflage that modern-day luxuries provide. In the words of Hugo “Hurley” Reyes, “DUUUUUUUUDE.”
The Last Resort – ABC
Forget, “You sunk my battleship.” Something tells me, come this fall, everybody will be yelling at their TV screens, “YOU SUNK MY SUBMARINE!” If Revolution is the series that most resembles Lost in terms of plot points, The Last Resort most resembles its tone, high production values, and cinematic quality. In fact, if I hadn’t spied the ABC logo on the corner of screen, I could have sworn this was war movie. Heck, they even hired That Movie Guy with the Oddly Deep Voice to do the narration! Conspiracy theorists, war aficionados, and political pundits alike will find much to love in this series, which, like it’s famous predecessor will revolve around an international cover-up . . .
. . . the result of which will strand our main characters on an island, separating them from the people they love, and putting their lives in constant imminent danger . . .
Hey, this place even looks like Lost island. Where’s Vincent the Dog? WAAAAAAAAALT!
And of course, there will inevitably be dealings with “those pesky others.”
But mostly, I’ll just be watching this one, because Ben from Felicity will be there . . .
Speaking of completely shallow reasons to watch a television program . . .
Chicago Fire – NBC
At the beginning of this post, I admitted to you that really only four of the five series I chose for my Watch List were like Lost.Chicago Fire doesn’t resemble Lost at all . . . unless you count the repeated obligatory shots of Sometimes dirty-faced and slightly bloody cocky alpha males who never met a shirt they actually liked to wear . . .
I’d be lying if I said the prospect of having a naked Taylor Kinney on my television screen every week, wasn’t a big draw for my choosing Chicago Fire for this blog post. But personally I think the trailer for this series boasts more than good looking shirtless guys with bad attitudes. The in-fighting between the squad members, caused in part by the oh-so-cliched concept of The Fallen Comrade shows promise for solid character development. The kickass females in the series make my feminist heart proud. And if done right, those inevitable Burning Building sequences are going to look really awesome in HD.
Besides, who doesn’t love a man in uniform . . . or out of it?
And there you have it folks, my five Lostian . . . and not so Lostian picks for the best new shows of Fall 2012. So, what’s on YOUR Must Watch List?
“Man, it is really hard to find a bathroom in this city! Every place you try to go, they say you have to buy something first. No wonder there is so much public urination in the Big Apple!’
Greetings Gleeks! After weeks of speculation, the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, has finally come and gone. The Glee kids came, saw, and conquered New York City . . . or at least a squeaky clean, sparkly, neutered version of it. Speaking of neutered . . .
“Where the heck did my balls go? I know I had them earlier in the season, back when I was in JUVIE. Is it possible that when I was taking a shower in the communal . . . ? Uh oh!”
Times Square: The One Place Where You Can Still Buy Tickets to See Cats
“These tickets all say ‘SUCKER’ on them. Ooh, maybe that’s one of the Cats’ Names!”
The episode begins with the Glee kids arriving in the usually bustling (and sometimes pretty scary) Times Square. Although Times Square is typically, by far, the busiest part of Manhattan, the Glee kids find the area eerily void of humanity (AND DIRT!). Seeing this reminded me of the opening dream sequence of that Really Bad Tom Cruise Movie (well . . . at least I thought it was really bad). You know . . . the one where he goes to Times Square, and learns that he’s the Only Man Left on Earth. Talk about a HORROR FILM!
“L. Ron Hubbard predicted this would happen.”
Anyway, the Glee kids all start belting out “New York, New York,” on the steps near the TKTS Broadway ticket booth. And I cringe inwardly, waiting for one of them to get mugged. Then Rachel actually DOES . . . well, sort of. Standing in front of the rest of the Glee Club, Little Miss Barbra Streisand 2.0 excitedly informs her pals that she got them all tickets to see “Broadway’s Longest Running Show . . . Cats.” It is then up to Quinn, of all people, to break it to Rachel that the show has actually been off Broadway for ELEVEN YEARS!
“Oh, Febray! Say it ain’t so!”
(By the way, was anybody else bugged by the fact that RACHEL, the Human Broadway Show Encyclopedia — who usually spends at least 5 minutes per episode spouting out useless facts about the Great White Way — DIDN’T know Cats was dunzo, but QUINN did?)
Anyway, the kids quickly head to the hotel, where Cheapskate Mr. Schue only manages to secure them TWO ROOMS (which has GOT to make the Bathroom Situation an absolute NIGHTMARE!). Oh, and I’m pretty sure the “self-sacrificing teacher” somehow managed to get a room all to himself. (Real nice, right?)
“Well, if I roomed with the kids, I couldn’t watch 8 hours of hotel porn, now could I?”
I have to giggle a little bit when Puck and Zizes try to get served at the hotel bar (They order a Manhattan, har de har har.), and the bartender actually QUESTIONS whether these two are of drinking age. This, of course, is despite the fact that both Puck and Lauren each look about 35-years old, and, by Glee’s timeline, have probably been chugging back shots of tequilla, since they were twelve . . .
PUCK: “Hey Sweet Cheeks, what time are you getting off from work? I’m sharing a hotel room (and two double beds) with five other guys. We can show you a REAL good time . . . and my girlfriend can watch.”
As if Mr. Schue hasn’t already proved himself to be the Worst Chaperone EVER, he then decides to lock the Glee kids in a SINGLE hotel room, so that THEY can pen the songs they SHOULD have come up with weeks ago for the National Competition, which is less than 24 hours away. Meanwhile, HE goes off to promote Matthew Morrison’s upcoming album pursue his Broadway Dreams . . .
“On stage, we call this an ‘Inspired Performance.’ In the potty, we call this a Bad Bout of Constipation.”
A Stagehand happens to catch Will Schuester performing “Matthew Morrison’s Hit Single ‘We’ve Got Tonight'” on an empty stage, in the theater where April Rhodes’ CrossRhodes (not to be confused with the terrible Britney Spears film of the same name) is set to debut. Stagehand is quick to compliment Will on his “obvious talent.” He then tries to sell Schue some leftover tickets to Cats . . .
“They say there’s a sucker born every minute. When’s your birthday?”
Nothing Says Loving Like a Street-side Serenade Outside Sardi’s
ARTIE: “Just think, at this time last night, real, honest to goodness, hookers could have been occupying this very spot.”
SAM: “Hey Puck! Put down the friggin accordion! You’re TOTALLY destroying our game!”
PUCK: “What? I want the ladies to know I’m good with my fingers!”
Cooped up in the hotel room, Artie and Brittany offer up THEIR suggestion for an Original Song the Glee kids can sing at Nationals. It’s called “My Cup.”
I can’t be the only viewer who found this song a little dirty, right? I mean, come on . . . “In the middle of the night, I’m in bed alone. Don’t care if you’re paper, glass, or Styrofoam” ????
Santana TOTALLY gets it!
You can listen to this masterpiece (emphasis on the “master”) in its entirety, HERE:
Though Britney and Artie are the first ones to suggest an actual song, it’s QUINN . . .
(She of the “Last week, I said I was going to do something evil to Finn, and ruin Nationals for the Glee kids, when all I actually did was cut my hair short and scowl a lot.”)
. . . who comes up with the most INSPIRED performance idea. Bad Apple Quinn easily convinces the Glee kids to disobey Will’s wishes and spend the night running rampant around the city, instead of working on their Original Songs. “We don’t have to write Original Songs,” says Quinn. “New York City will write them for us.”
(You know, I hate to break this to you, Quinn, but I’ve been trying to get New York City to write my next novel, for about a year now. The City is just too damn lazy!)
Reality Checks notwithstanding, the Glee kids frolic around Central Park, while rocking out to an inspired “I Love New York / New York, New York” Mashup.
(Just out of curiosity, does anybody else agree with me that THIS mashup, along with Kurt’s and Rachel’s later duet from Wicked, would have, ultimately, been better choices, as Nationals performance numbers, than the songs the Glee kids actually ended up singing?)
Back in the boys’ hotel room, Finn, once again, suggests that Rachel and him singing a duet together would be a great strategy for getting in Rachel’s panties winning Nationals. The rest of the boys agree, and egg Finn on to invite Rachel out on a romantic New York Date . “You know, like the ones in those romantic comedies, that make men grow a vagina, if they watch them all the way through,” Puck adds.
Did Puck just really say “vagina” on Fox? (And did I just type it . . . twice.)
(Taking this statement into consideration, one can’t help but wonder whether this is what happened to Puck, after he went on his first date with Lauren Zizes to see “Something Borrowed,” starring Kate Hudson.)
Speaking of girly movies, when Finn texts Rachel to ask her out on their Romantic Date, she looks like she’s trapped in the “Girl Bonding Montage” of a Chick Flick, herself . . .
RACHEL: “If one of you ends up getting a Makeover to Increase Your Self Esteem, I’m SO jumping off the Empire State Building . . . Oh, wait . . . Quinn actually DOES that, in the next scene? Just kidding!”
Finn takes Rachel out to explore the sights of New York.
“I guess going skinny dipping is out of the question, huh?”
The pair end up at Sardi’s for dinner, causing me to wonder what kind of High Class Paper Route Finn runs at home, because that place is NOT CHEAP!
“I hope you like washing dishes. Because that’s how I’ve arranged to pay for this meal.”
“Seriously? Now, instead of having Jazz Hands on stage tomorrow, I’m going to have Dish Pan Ones!”
At Sardi’s, Rachel encounters her idol, Barbra Streisand Patti Lupone (I guess Barbra was busy?). Lo and behold, Patti has some Sage Advice for Rachel. She tells her to . . . wait for it . . . “Follow [Her] Dreams.”
Oh my goodness! I have never heard such inspiring words before. My life will never be the same again. Thank you, Glee!
Outside Sardi’s, Rachel tells Finn that the only thing that would make this night more perfect, would be if the pair were serenaded. So, of course, Finn’s posse magically appears, and starts singing “Bella Notte” to the Happy Couple . . .
You can LISTEN to the song, in its entirety, here:
Personally, I would have liked the scene much better, if the Boys started singing the Lady and the Tramp Song, back at Sardi’s, while Rachel and Finn were playing meatball hockey with their noses, and accidentally making out with one another, thanks to one Very Mischevious Strand of Spaghetti . . .
Speaking of making out, while the Boys are still singing, Finn tries to plant a wet one on Rachel. But, alas, Finn’s Love Interest of the Week runs away, because she ate some bad Chicken Carbonara has to go “Follow Her Dreams” . . . or something. And because they have NO TACT WHATSOEVER, Finn’s boys actually continue to serenade him, even after he’s been FLAT OUT REJECTED . . .
AW-KWARD!
(Needless to say, at the exact same moment when this is happening, about 200 men, forced to watch Glee at home with their girlfriends, spontaneously sprout vaginas . . .)
A Stagehand Saves the Day: Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)
“We’re not in Lima, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean, Rachel.”
Kurt wakes Rachel up the following morning, so that the pair can have Breakfast at Tiffany’s (or, perhaps, more accurately, breakfast OUTSIDE of Tiffany’s). The aforementioned exchange made me wonder if Mr. Schue had followed the concierge’s advice, and assigned rooms based on “sexual orientation,” after all . . .
(Then again, had he done that, Santana would have been sleeping with the guys . . .)
Anyway, Rachel confesses to Kurt that she and Finn love eachother. However, she knows she’s destined to go to school in NYC and be on Broadway, and blah, blah, blah, Boyfriend Emergency, blah.
So, Kurt comes up with the “inspired idea” of breaking into the theater where the pair’s favorite Broadway Show, Wicked (Remember when they sang the duet to “Defying Gravity” together? Ah, memories!), is performed. This way, Rachel can see what she might end up missing in the long run, if she starts dating the Finn-ster and actually ends up dating him for longer than a two-week period, this time . . .
“But we’ll get in trouble,” Rachel squeaks.
Have no fear, Little Berry, SUPER STAGEHAND is here to let you Live Out Your Broadway Dreams (provided your dreams only last fifteen minutes) . . .
“Ta-da!”
With Super Stagehand’s permission, Kurt and Rachel perform a GORGEOUS duet to Wicked’s “For Good,” with the set of the play, flanking them on all sides . . .
“Woah, Kurt, how much hair product did you use this morning? I’m worried your Snookie Poof will set this set on fire!”
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
You can watch Kurt’s and Rachel’s impromptu performance, here:
At the end of the duet, Rachel seems to have made her “Sophie’s Choice” . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Quinn Cuts Her Hair, Will Cuts the Chord . . . on his Dreams
Back in the hotel room, Quinn has a mini freakout, because her, Santana and Brittany “don’t have a chance at true love.” Umm . . . Quinn? You’ve been single for LESS ONE EPISODE. You are act like a heinous bitch, about 95% of the time Please allow me to serenade you, with my tiny violin, regarding your Tragic Lack of True Love . . .
As for Brittany and Santana “not having love,” well, the former just dumped her boyfriend for calling her “stupid.” And the latter is faux-dating her fellow beard, Karofsky . . .
So, take that QUINN!
My personal annoyance with Quinn, notwithstanding, Brittany and Santana are surprisingly sensitive to their erstwhile-pal. They even attempt to bolster her foul mood, by treating her to a ridiculously overpriced New York haircut. And, as much as I dislike Quinn, I have to say, girlfriend looks quite fierce in her new do’ . . .
Downstairs at the hotel bar, Mr. Schue meets up with Vocal Adrenaline coach, Dustin Ghoulsby . . .
. . . (who, unfortunately, is wearing a bit more clothes in the scene, than he is in the above picture). Dustin has conveniently heard through the grapevine that Schue plans to leave teaching to pursue his Broadway Dreams. Dustin thinks that’s a fab idea, remarking how much HE would love to stop teaching Show Choir, considering how much he DESPISES his students. “But I love my students,” Will remarks, as I throw up a bit in my mouth.
Insert shallow attempt at humor here (I’ve got nothing.)
Will’s undying love for his underage students notwithstanding (See how I just made something Sickeningly Sweet and Innocent sound Disgustingly Inappropriate?), Dustin immediately rushes to go rat out Will to his students.
However, when Will arrives at the hotel room to collect the Glee kids for the Nationals competition, rather than bitch him out for NOT GIVING TWO CRAPS ABOUT THEM, THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE NEW YORK TRIP, they actually encourage Will to give Broadway a try. And yet, Will (who has clearly never met Patti Lupone) is not about to give up his love of teens for something as insignificant as a Once-in-a-Lifetime Opportunity at Fame and Fortune. Andhe tells his kids as much.
(So, much for leaving us with a Cliffhanger, Glee writers!)
Happy to have their Steadfast Mr. Schue for at least one more season, the Glee kids join their teacher in a Big Fat Group Hug. Puck enters the embrace first . . . because he has a vagina. (Ummm . . . yeah, I’ve used this word WAY too many times in this recap. It’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, to be honest.)
Anywhoo enough about vaginas (DAMN! I did it again.), it’s NATIONALS TIME!
The Big Kiss . . . and The Even Bigger Kiss Off . . .
RACHEL: “Finn, is that GUM, in your mouth? How many times have I told you not to chew GUM on stage? It’s unprofessional.”
FINN: *blows bubble in Rachel’s mouth*
At the Nationals Competition, Some Random Girls’ Choir, wearing short slutty dresses, performs Usher’s 2004 hit, “Yeah.” And while their singing is “OK,” the dancing is ridiculous, and reminds me a bit of the Glee kids’ bizarre lunchroom dance to Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It,” back in Season 1 . . .
You can listen to the song, here:
In the bathroom at Lincoln Center, Rachel and Sunshine Corazon come full circle from their Season 2, Episode 1, Potty Sing Off . . .
. . . when Rachel, upon hearing Sunshine RALPH in the toilet, finally apologizes for sending her to a crackhouse for Glee club auditions. When Rachel learns that Sunshine HATES Vocal Adrenaline, and is petrified of performing in front of the crowd(Can I smell a transfer BACK to New Directions for Sunshine in Season 3), the newly reformed diva even goes so far as to offer to give Sunshine the “thumbs up sign” when she’s on stage, so the youngun won’t be nervous. “But don’t you want to win?” Sunshine inquires, without the snarky edge she COULD have used with that line . . .
“How was the old crackhouse, by the way? I’ve been meaning to get back there for a refill, but I’ve been so busy not preparing for Nationals, that I haven’t really had the chance.”
“Guys like us have to stick together,” Rachel replies, pulling Sunshine in for a hug. (All together now, “AWWWWW!”)
Sunshine performs an original song entitled “As Long as You’re There.” And, while her voice is amazing, I must admit, I was mighty underwhelmed by herVocal Adrenaline backup dancers, who basically did the same dance to this WILDLY DIFFERENT number, as they did last year to “Bohemian Rhapsody during Regionals.
But don’t take my word for it. Watch the performance here, and judge for yourself . . .
During New Direction’s performance, a Smouldering Jesse St. Douchey-But -Still-Hot-James arrives, sneaking into a conveniently empty seat next to Schue to watch the show.
“I’m here to collect my payment for hitting on Rachel, and not helping you prepare for Nationals at all.”
Though Jesse claims to be only interested in the performance, it’s pretty obvious he’s there, because he’s still in love with Rachel. And Schue glibly calls him on that fact.
(So, am I the only one that’s still kind of rooting for Jesse? What can I say? I have a thing for Raging Asshats!)
Asshat Lovin’ = Good Lovin’
The first New Directions Number is an Original Song written by Finn, called “Pretending.” Not surprisingly, it’s a Finchel Duet.
“Pretending” sounds and looks pretty much like every other Finchel Duet we’ve seen since Season 1, from the “Walking Slowly Toward One Another from Opposite Sides of the Room” Bit to the “Staring Intently Into One Another’s Eyes While Holding Hands, and Making Teary Constipated Facial Expressions at Eachother” Bit. The only difference HERE is the ending, in which Finn (despite Rachel having reiterated her “I’ve got to follow my dreams” dumping of him, prior to the start of the performance) abruptly shoves his tongue down Rachel’s throat.
The audience is stunned into silence. (probably because they skipped last week’s episode, and thought Finn was still dating Quinn). After a few moments of uncomfortable awkwardness, Schue offers the couple a tepid Slow Clap off the stage. Poor Jesse looks heartbroken. But hey, that’s what you get for making breakfast on your girlfriend’s head in Season 1 . . .
Watch “Pretending” and the Controversial Kiss that Ended it All here:
“Pretending” was followed up by another Original Song. This one was entitled “Light Up The World.” And, while it was peppier, and definitely more fun to watch, than “Pretending,” I didn’t find the song itself particularly memorable, or the dancing that accompanied the song all that different from what we saw at Regionals with “Loser Like Me.”
You can check out “Light Up The World,” here:
The Big Shock of the Evening (though, considering the meh performances, it actually didn’t seem all that shocking) is that New Directions doesn’t end up placing in the Top Ten at Nationals. (It comes in twelfth.)
Oh, the humanity!
Though everyone is pretty bummed about the loss, no one takes it harder than Santana. The former Cheerio has a little Lima Heights Adjacent Style Freakout in the dressing room.
Once she is back home from New York, Santana even goes as far as to create a Yellow Cardigan- wearing-Rachel Voodoo Doll to torture. (Many of the Glee kids, Santana included, blame the loss on how mediocre they performed the inappropriateness of the on-stage Finchel Kiss.)
So, of course, it is up to Brittany to cheer Santana up. During a very sweet little locker scene, Brittany tells Santana how much she loves her (but just as a friend . . . for now, at least), and how lucky the two of them are to have found “family” in their fellow Glee clubbers. Brittany’s surprisingly wise words do wonders for Santana’s spirits. And Santana tells Brittany as much . . .
I, for one, adore these two togther, and very much look forward to the mature progression of their relationship in Season 3.
Speaking of couples I adore, Kurt and Blaine finally exchanged “I LOVE YOU’S,” this week!
As dramatic as the multiple Finchel Moments were in this episode, I loved the quiet sweetness of this single Klaine moment. No over-acted overtures, extravagant gestures, or big speeches were necessary. This was just another day for Kurt and Blaine.
The couple was just having coffee together, sharing stories, and enjoying one another’s company. And then, seemingly out of no where, Blaine said it . . . the three words that Kurt undoubtedly has been wanting to hear, since he first met the guy, earlier this season.
It was perfect! Kudos to Darren Criss and Chris Colfer for the understated elegance of this memorable moment.
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Finn and Rachel got back together. (SUPRISE!) After all that hemming and hawing about “following her dreams,” it turns out Rachel has an ENTIRE YEAR LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL, before she even has to think of applying to NYU. Talk about an hour’s worth of unnecessary drama!
That being said, the couple’s second kiss on the floor of the library was way more adorable and genuine, than their overblown stage one, at least, in my opinion . . .
Speaking of couples, you know who else is secretly dating in Glee Club World because heaven forbid any of these folks date someone who isn’t remotely involved in the show choir ? SAMCEDES!
And, there you have it folks! Two seasons of Glee down, and hopefully, at least a few more to go. So . . . how did you like the finale? Did you think the Glee kids deserved to win Nationals? Are you down with Samcedes? Feel free to sound off in the comment section below . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! This was quite a big episode for Dan Humphrey. In the course of an hour he: (1) was unknowingly hired by a royal family to stalk a prince; (2) became Blair Waldorf’s faux public boyfriend . . . for about two minutes; (3) lost Serena as a friend (also probably for about two minutes); (4) FINALLY kicked Mannessa to the curb (YIPPEE!); and (5) became the unwitting target for Gossip Girl’s 25th Future Psycho Stalker Guest Star. Hold on to your Hot Dog, Humphrey! Because you’re going to need it . . .
DAN HUMPHREY’S WEINER: “I haven’t gotten this much play, since that “Threesome Episode,” last season!”
And yet, for all the action Dan’s Ding-a-Ling got this week, “Petty in Pink” was actually Blair Waldorf’s episode. After spending three seasons on the Every Loves Serena show, Blair is finally getting a chance to shine. For once, Blair is the one with three boys in love with her at the same time. SHE’S the girl kissing boys, like it’s going out of style. And when the cheap CGI graphics SPARKLE across the screen, making you feel like you are watching your parent’s poorly-made wedding video, it’s Blair’s face that’s getting framed by their tacky light.
But I am getting WAY ahead of myself here! So, let’s get on with the recap . . .
A Secret Rendezvous
“Voulez–vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”
Remember Prince Louie, Blair’s plot devicetemporary distraction from Chuck royal boyfriend, with whom she had a tepid, not particularly well fleshed out relationship whirlwind romance, during her exotic summer in Paris, early this season? Well, he’s BAAAACK! As luck would have it, those three scenes few weeks Blair spent with the prince have CHANGED HIS LIFE!
In fact, during all those weeks that Blair was busy doing this . . .
and this . . .
and even some of this . . .
Poor Prince Louie has been doing nothing but eating croissants, and THINKING ABOUT BLAIR!
“Pathetic . . . aren’t I?”
So captivated is this Prince by our Queen B, that he is seemingly willing to drop EVERYTHING, and RISK HIS ROYAL TITLE, to sneak across the country and spend time with his American Fling the True Love of His Life. Blair (who I love to pieces, but, let’s face it, modesty isn’t exactly her strongest quality) sees absolutely nothing at all strange about this. And so she plans her weekend with the Prince, during which she plans to show him the finest things Manhattan has to offer!
“So, I was thinking I would take you to Times Square. They have this little store their that sells nothing but William and Kate Wedding Memorabilia . . . hint, hint.”
But then Louis informs her that his visit to NYC has to be a secret. And so Blair can no longer take Louis to the Best Manhattan has to offer. Instead, she will take him to places where no elite Manhattanite has gone before: a.k.a. Dan Humphrey’s Hipster Hangouts.
“I don’t find Five-Star restaurants to be sufficiently intellectually stimulating. Now, Starbucks, on the other hand, that’s a breeding ground for Genius!”
I had to giggle a bit when Blair’s minions arrived for their daily instructions. Blair informed them that she wouldn’t be attending classes that day. So, they should take notes on her behalf.
“But finals are just days away,” notes the Blonde Minion, who’s name I never bothered to learn.
Yes, because when you are Blair Waldorf, attending a prestigious Ivy League school like Columbia University, is just a footnote to your fabulous life of partying, scheming, and bedding princes. Remember a few seasons back, when Blair was the most conscientious student on a CW show, in that she actually (gasp) went to class, and studied? *Sigh* Those were the days!
Academics are SO last season!
Speaking of so-called “conscientious students” who suddenly never seem to go to class, and spend all their time on the Upper East Side, even though they attend school downtown at NYU, Dan Humphrey has just been called on for a “journalism job,” for which he never actually applied. For those of you keeping track, Dan’s published writing credits thus far include a love story about Serena (snooze) that miraculously appeared in the New Yorker . . .
Dan is just as shocked as you are . . .
. . . and a *stifles a laugh* fashion piece that Dan ghost wrote for the W magazine blog, back when Blair was it’s assistant editor for about 10 minutes. Nevertheless, SOMEONE found out Prince Louis is in town and has hired Dan to stalk him, and write a press piece about the Royal French Fry’s “princely” time in the Empire State.
Speaking of stalking . . .
“Golly gee, Serena! This thing called the ‘Internet’ is really fascinating. Can I really use it to watch people have sex?”
. . . Serena has just got word from the EEEEVVVILL Manessa, that Blair and Dan have recently learned what eachother’s tongues taste like. So, of course, rather than (gasp) ask her friends directly whether they’ve been “eating hot dogs” together, Serena decides to send her “naive and innocent” cousin Charlie out on a little recognizance mission to dig up some dirt . . .
Are you wondering whether ludicrous misunderstandings, ridiculous coincidences, and crazy hijinks are about to ensue? YOU BET THEY ARE!
But before we “go there,” let’s get the two mostly lame and kind of irrelevant secondary storylines out of the way, shall we?
Mother, Where Art Thou?
Poor Raina Thorpe! She never has any remotely interesting storylines on this show has just been massively betrayed by her father, and now feels more lost than ever. Suddenly, because it is convenient to the plot she REALLY wants to find her birth mother. Raina has hired a private investigator to find this woman, who she knows of only as “Avery Thorpe.” Said investigator has been sent off, armed with Raina’s birth certificant and some of that Thorpe Trust Fund Money.
One interesting thing I noticed about Raina’s birth certificate was that it said she was born in 1985, making her either 25 or 26, depending on the month she was born. This also makes her somewhere between 5 and 7 years older than BOTH Chuck and Nate (who are supposed to be either 19 or 20, I gather). Way to rob the cradle, Raina! (Not that we can blame her . . .)
Raina’s sudden curiosity over her mother’s whereabouts certainly do not bode well for Chuck, who is not only coping with the very temporary loss of his true love, Blair, but also with the notion that his DAD MAY HAVE ACTUALLY KILLED RAINA’S MOM (by burning down a hotel, while she was in it)!
Is it any wonder than, that Chuck finds himself drowning his sorrows in a Liquid Breakfast?
In addition to having recently gone through his own rather painful Faux Mama from the Train Fiasco, Chuck, of course, doesn’t want Raina to find out about his father’s possible role in her mother’s demise. And so, he cautions Raina against searching for her birth mother, while, at the same time, hiring his own private investigator to research what happened the night of the hotel fire.
“Yawn. I’d really much rather be in BLAIR’S storyline, than this one.”
When Raina’s private investigator actually finds a waitress in New Jersey named Avery Thorpe, who is about the age Raina’s mother would be right now, both Chuck and Nate offer to accompany her on the trip for support. (After all, the SCARY middle-class world of New Jersey diners is not somewhere an upper class gal, like Raina, should have to go alone. 🙂 )
“I can’t BELIEVE there’s no valet parking here! What kind of effed up place is this, anyway?”
But alas, “Avery Thorpe: Waitress Extraordinaire” claims that she never had children.
Chuck, of course, suggests that Raina stop her Parental Unit Search immediately, so that she can avoid hating his guts in the very near future experiencing any further pain and heartache. But “pain and heartache” is Nate’s Middle Name! After all, his dad is Captain Coke Head, and his Mom is a Major B*tch! He also gets all of the WORST storylines on Gossip Girl, despite being insanely attractive. So, Nate tells Raina to keep on looking. At his wits end, Chuck FINALLY confides in Nate, as to why he has been so adamant that Raina NOT find her birth mom.
CHUCK (to Nate): “I need a hug.”
The episode ends with Chuck’s private investigator informing him that SOMEHOW video footage STILL exists of Raina’s mom fighting with Bart Bass, shortly before she entered into the hotel building that eventually caught fire. Avery Thorpe was never heard from again.
Geez! With all that EXTREMELY DAMNING evidence of the death of a VERY WEALTHY AND POWERFUL PERSON, you would THINK someone would have pieced this information together, 20-or-so years ago, rather than waiting until now to do it? But that would be logical. And logic and Gossip Girl don’t ever always mix . . .
One thing’s for sure though, when Raina finds this out, our Main Man, Chuck Bass, “has some ‘splaining to do!”
Bart Bass: Ruining Chuck’s life since the early 90’s (And, now, he’s doing from it Beyond the Grave. Talk about impressive!)
In other Parental Unit News . . .
This Ankle Monitor Was Made for Walkin’ . . .
These days, EVERYBODY who’s ANYBODY is wearing one!
Poor Lily van der Woodsen! As it turns out, it’s hard out there for an Upper East Side Convict, particularly one who’s still deluded enough to think she’s still part of Manhattan’s Elite. All Lily wanted to do was help make the gift bags for the Episode Party of the Week Pink Party. But, alas, that evil wench, Mama Archibald, who only consorts with convicts in her own bedroom, doesn’t want Lily’s jailhouse cooties all over her spa gift certificates, face creams, and vastly overpriced sunglasses. So, she takes them to the Trump’s house instead. (Gotta love, Gossip Girl’s shameless name dropping!)
*sings* “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I’ll have to go eat worms . . . or caviar.”
Not wanting Mommy to feel too lousy about being a hardened criminal, Serena, Rufus and Eric blackmail some random doorman who made out with Serena once (Seriously, who HASN’T made out with Serena, at least once?) to get the party moved to Lily’s HOUSE, so she can attend. (Riiiight, those Upper East Side snobs didn’t want Lily to TOUCH their gift bags. But surely they won’t mind sitting on her couch and using her toilet!)
“I think you’re scum. But my coke dealing husband and I would very much like to have sex in your bedroom.”
Having FINALLY realized what asshats her Botoxed B*tchy Upper East Side pals have always been, Lily makes me SUPER proud of her, by intentionally setting off her anklet, so the local police can crash her Pink Benefit, and kick everybody out of her house. (I just hope all the money they raised, still went to curing cancer . . . or whatever.) Toward the end of the episode, Lily decides she would much rather spend nine months under House Arrest alone with Rufus Humphrey, than attend swank parties with INTERESTING people . . .
To each his own, I guess . . .
But enough of that. Let’s get back to the MAIN EVENT!
Do you see a Humphrey?
Dan tracks Prince Louie down at an East Village restaurant called Veselka, where the latter is supposed to meet Blair. Little does Dan know, he TOO is being followed . . .
“Wow Dan! This picture of you will look perfect, next to the other 162 I already have hanging over my bed.”
Blair arrives on the scene and exchanges some brief snarkeries with Dan about how he shouldn’t mess up her “date.” Dan generously agrees to not be a Cock Block. But when Dan witnesses Blair exchanging smoochies with the same prince he’s been stalking all morning, Dan reluctantly realizes that his career as a Sleezy Tabloid Journalist is over, before it even began . . .
“Rats! I guess I will have to settle for being a TV Recapper, instead.”
Dan leaves immediately to quit his “job.” But of course, Future Psycho Stalker Charlie conveniently had her back turned when Dan left. All she saw was Blair meeting Dan at a downtown restaurant that she doesn’t typically frequent. Charlie tells Serena as much . . .
“That hussy! I bet she’s eating CARBS there too! You think you know a person!”
Wanting to catch her so-called bestie in an act of betrayal (“We were on a break!” Dan says.), Serena rushes downtown, as fast as her personal chauffeur can carry her. Once she is there, however, she encounters NOT Blair and Dan, but Blair and Louis.
Friend Stalking – FAIL!
Serena tries to play it cool, but ends up making sort of an ass of herself. After all, what the heck would Serena be doing at downtown restaurant alone, aside from spying on her friend . . . She NEVER EATS!
Outside the restaurant, Serena gives her dopey little pet Charlie, a condescending pat on the head, telling her that it was “totally” understandable that she mistook Dan for Louis. After all, with the exception of Chuck Bass and Eric van der Woodsen, every boy on this show looks EXACTLY ALIKE!
But Charlie is not giving up! She knows what she SAW, dammit! And she is determined to catch Dan and Blair in the act, even if she has to hide in Dan’s bed for an entire week to do it!
Crazy, crazy train. CHOO CHOO!
Louis, Louis . . . OH BABY! I SAID, “WE GOTTA GO.”
Dopey Dan! When he quit his “job” stalking Louis, citing a puppydog crush on Blair conflict of interest, he inadvertently told his “boss” (who actually worked for the royal family, and was just using Dan to get information as to Louis’ whereabouts) about Louis dating the, only royal by Upper East Side Standards, Queen B.
As a result of Dan’s screw up, Louis’ advisors are going to pick him up from the states, and force him to return to Paris where he belongs.
“Oops! Did I do that?”
Now, I suspect we are supposed to believe that Louis is terribly upset about this predicament. But something about the monotone manner in which he reads his lines (Perhaps, it’s a language barrier thing?) tells me he can care less. I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust this Louis-Louis. Not one bit!
Anyway, Blair is super pissed at Dan, for what he did. And she isn’t shy about telling him so. “You should have been suspicious the minute someone offered to pay you for your writing!” Blair scolds. (Blair ROCKS!)
But not to worry Louis Fans (all three of you)! Blair has a ridiculously dumb plan to rescue her “French Connection.” Dan and Blair will make out in front of Louis’ handler at (where else?) the Pink Party. This way, the handler will not think that Louis came to the city to (gasp) “date a commoner,” and will, therefore let him stay. I think we all already know how this is going to end . . .
The plot thickens (but not by much), when Future Psycho Stalker Charlie snaps a photo of Blair and Dan pink tie shopping for the party, and forwards it to Serena. Upon seeing the picture, Serena begins to wonder whether Manessa and Charlie were right about Dan and Blair, after all . . .
Kiss and Tell (Gossip Girl)
Blair and Louis both attend the Pink Party together as planned, but enter separately, to keep up the ruse. When Serena sees Blair, she sicks her Mini Me Charlie on Dan, to see if the Queen B reacts negatively to another woman flirting with the Humping Humphrey.
(I think you are going to SERIOUSLY regret that move, Serena! Have you seen the movie The Roommate? Because I’m willing to bet Charlie has!)
Ummm . . . Serena? You are at a formal affair. Why does your hair look like someone erected a bird’s nest in it?
At the same time Charlie begins (very gleefully) flirting with Dan, Louis’ handler arrives. So, Blair, feigning jealousy, forcefully pulls Dan away. (“Let’s not get too handsy!” Dan warns.) This, of course, only serves to confirm Serena’s suspicions that these two are secret lovers. and then THIS happens . . .
And then . . . SURPRISE! Charlie sees these two putting on their Makeout Show, and sends a video of it to Gossip Girl for everyone to see! (Man, this psycho learns fast!)
Busted!
“Does you think this picture makes my tongue look fat?”
Not wanting to spoil her little Louis Scheme, Blair is forced to “go public” with her “new relationship’ with Dan Humpty Dumpty. Of course, when she does this, her minions look at her, as if she just told them she eats puppies . . .
“I don’t even know who you ARE, anymore!”
Not wanting Serena to get the wrong idea, Blair and Dan rush to tell her the truth. But, of course, Serena, having COMPLETELY forgotten about the 100 plus times she has stolen Nate from Blair over the years, doesn’t want to listen to reason. Instead, S just stamps her foot, and cries wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
“You keep getting all the BOYS this season, and I keep getting stuck with the Psycho Blonde Guest Stars, who want to take over my life and kill me! It’s not FAAAAAAIIIIRRRR, Blair!”
By the way, did no one else find it strange that we didn’t get to see CHUCK’S reaction to the Gossip Girl blast, featuring what he knows was a SECOND Dair kiss? I feel cheated out of my Chair, GG writers!
Just sayin’.
Confrontations and Coming Out Parties
“Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me, me, me, me, blah.”
Back at the Waldorf Mansion, Blair and Serena have a fight, during which Blair makes a lot of awesome points, and Serena makes a lot of lame ones. Granted, Serena starts off strong, by asking Blair, quite rationally, why she didn’t just come out and tell her right away that her and Dan had become friends. Blair returns a few solid volleys back, by basically telling Serena, that her and Dan do things together that Serena is simply too dumb to enjoy . . . like watching movies that aren’t cartoons or porn . . . and reading.
“Serena is Stupid jokes are AWESOME!”
But when Blair tries to confide in Serena that she has begun to recognize the “Humphrey Appeal” (whatever that is), Serena accuses Blair of only being interested in Dan because he was Serena’s.
“Oh, hell to the NO!”
Blair replies that Serena is just mad that, for a change, the Brunette, not the Blonde, is the one getting all the male attention. And though we’ve definitely seen at least 80 variations of this same argument, since this series began four years ago, this time, I have to concur with Blair. Serena, I’d like to introduce you to Jealousy. Jealousy, meet Serena . . .
Of course, BLAIR isn’t really the one Serena should be worried about. Sure, Dan’s got a THANG for the Queen B, as he openly admits later in the episode. But she’s definitely not pursuing him. You know who IS pursuing Dan Wants-to-Hump-Alot? THIS GIRL . . .
“Your head would look so pretty hanging from my ceiling fan . . .”
It wasn’t enough that Charlie singlehandedly ruined Dan’s, Serena’s, and Blair’s friendship, she then had to GO OVER TO DAN’S HOUSE, late at night to apologize. Then Dan, against his better judgment, invites Cuckoo for Cocoapuffs Charlie into his apartment because . . . well . . . I suspect all that necking with Blair has made him pretty horny? The one GOOD thing Charlie does in this scene is rat out Manessa for sending intel of Dan’s and Blair’s first kiss to Serena.
The absolute BEST moment of the episode for me, was when the SUPER ANNOYING Vanessa arrives on Dan’s doorstep, and Dan TOTALLY SHUTS HER DOWN, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that they are NO LONGER FRIENDS!
Hey Vanessa . . . Sayonara SUCKA!
Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord . . . Nevermind, let it hit you in the ass! You deserve it!
The episode ends with Louie inexplicably deciding that he NOW wants to go public with his relationship with Blair. (I’m telling you, I DON’T TRUST THIS GUY . . . AT ALL!)
BLAIR: “You’re not an evil bloodsucking vampire, are you? Because this is usually around the time when you tell me you are an evil bloodsucking vampire, and bite my head off.”
In the final scene, Blair and Louie emerge together in public for the first time, and swap royal spit with one another, as flashbulbs go off, and ridiculous diamond sparkle graphics adorn their so-called Love . . .
Next week’s installment of Gossip Girl promises Chuck’s re-entry into the Battle for Blair’s Heart. “I’m Chuck Bass. And I’m the Love of Her Life,” we hear Chuck tell some Royal Snob.
“Oh yeah, I’m THAT good.”
Let’s just hope that whole “Enraged Window Punching” thing we saw in the promos doesn’t get in the way of a Good Thing. (I’m counting on you GG, writers! PLEASE don’t screw this up again!)
Chuck: “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair. For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”
Blair: “Tell me about it! You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”
Chuck: “Good point . . . but what about Dan? Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”
Blair: “Who?”
Chuck: “Exactly.”
I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.” Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special” or even all that good, for that matter. I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway. In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .
Screw Little J! If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential. In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now: “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.” (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother, Troy Bolton Ramien!)
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.
Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)
Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)? In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed.
Why? You ask . . .
Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .
When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity. When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”
Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz. Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too. So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor. (Note: If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s grinding backsides love.)
Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy. In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .
The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .
Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
(OK, I’m up! I’m up!)
What’s their ship name, anyway? Ruck? Chaina? Is it even worth the effort of making one up? Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple? I didn’t think so . . .
Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .
Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)
At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl: She has to work . . . hard.
“Surely, this is the first sign of Show CancellationShark Jumping the Apocalypse!”
As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result. This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair. No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!). In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving!
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .
Fear not, Upper East Siders. Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!
Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)
After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.
Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?
The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property. Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute. I SMELL A SCHEME!
Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to screw like bunny rabbits talk.
As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another. Chuck goes first. He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him. (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!)
Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice. Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man. Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.
“You mean I actually have to TALK to her? I’m bored already . . .”
For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard. (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!) Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request. Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .
. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience. So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley.
No bother! If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .
So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now. But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER. (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?) Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out.
And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.
“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.
“You’re overselling. Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.
Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance, he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .
“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”
Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek
Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours, Chuck really turns on the charm. He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by. When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it? RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!
You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS? I’M SHOCKED!
The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place! This must be Lame True Love, right? Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass. Raina accepts!
“I am SO GOOD!”
And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party. Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company. Raina asks Chuck if this is true. He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*
“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.
“I’m MAD AS HELL. And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”
Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit. Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed. (Wow! She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)
Blair to Shark: “Consider yourself JUMPED.”
Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result. On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .
Later that night, W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant). Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found. Nate is there, however . . .
Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him. Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help. Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”
Who knew?
With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags. So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR. (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?” She wonders.)
When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news. Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something. So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.
“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?” Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s plot device change of heart.
As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .
“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”
In other news . . .
He’s Baaaaack!
Ugh! Ben . . . again! When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already? Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season?
Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?
Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?
Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT. He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK.
“W . . . T . . . F!”
To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE. For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF! (The horror!) Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .
NOT COOL, BRO!
Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric. Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM!
(Seriously, Eric? Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)
“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode. So, what? At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”
Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail. At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.
Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face. He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it. (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.” Isn’t it, Damien?)
When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .
“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”
Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event. And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself because he is such a Boring Loser. Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again. However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him. As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course). Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .
Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges. He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.
“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”
And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders! Until next time . . .XOXO!
A WORD OF WARNING, BEFORE WE BEGIN: I’m a Chair Fan . . . BIG TIME! Dair Fans, some of this recap might annoy the heck out of you. Please enter with caution. And don’t say you weren’t warned . . .
BLAIR: “Wait a minute! Why am I FIGHTING with you over a stapler? I have never stapled anything in my life! Dorota stapled everything for me from the day I was born until middle school. After that, my minions took over the job.”
DAN: “Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Just like I don’t understand how YOU ended up being the one who ‘worked hard to earn’ this internship, and I got it as a result of my ‘vast connections.’ Not to mention, the silver spoon Lily van der Woodsen has apparently, lodged up my ass, ever since she started boning my father.”
BLAIR: “Ughhh, does this mean I’m still in that weird Nightmare World, where I suddenly know how to do thinks like ‘wash dishes,’ and rarely ever get to interact with Chuck?
DAN: “I’m afraid so, Miss Waldorf. I’m afraid so . . .”
BLAIR: *closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together repeatedly* “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no . . .”
Just when you THINK you know a person, he or she can start doing things that are *ahem* COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER. If there was any theme at all to Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko” episode, I would say that would be it. And yet, toward the end of the episode, people returned to acting JUST how you would expect them to act. Thus, proving that, at the end of even the darkest of tunnels, a bright light will ultimately shine through . . .
“Chuck Bass . . . and no guest. You may enter my dress.“
Let’s review, shall we?
Blair plays nice(?), while Dan plays . . . with himself
“Ak . . . and now I’m sitting on a DIRTY FLOOR . . . IN MY DESIGNER DRESS? What the heck is WITH this episode?”
When the episode begins, Blair and her roomie Serena are preparing for the day ahead.
In a rare turn of events, Serena is extremely chatty about her plans for the upcoming week (i.e. “To give my Ex-Con Teacher Friend an “I’m sorry my family TOTALLY ruined your life, but, as it turns out, you kind of deserved it, because you and your sister are ABSOLUTE NUTBAGS, who almost got me killed” F*&k, by Friday.”). Blair, on the other hand, is alarmingly secretive about her To Do List.
(OK, since when has Blair EVER kept quiet about her career, and / or plans for Eventual World Domination? The only time Blair is supposed to be keeping secrets, is when she’s having Mindblowing Sex with Chuck, and doesn’t want anyone else to know about it . . . because they’d be way too jealous.)
“You know you love us . . . together. XOXO!”
And yet, it is absolutely essential for this Bizarro Plot of the Week that positively NO ONE, save Blair herself, know about the internship she supposedly worked so hard to secure, sometime between this week’s episode and last. “I feel like I’m living with Don Draper,” remarks Serena.
No, Serena. You WISH you were living with Don Draper. I hear he “Likey The Blondes,” particularly ones that are young, extremely promiscuous, and have low self-esteem, like yourself.
Blair leaves the apartment, and meets up with her New Movie Buddy Dan, who, apparently, she’s been seeing quite a bit of, since their first Holiday Dalliance, during the mid-season finale. (Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine Blair enjoying herself in a place where Popcorn and Soda in a Plastic Cup are the choicest items on the menu.) It seems, based on the pair’s exchange, that these two have had plenty to talk about, during their nights out. Everything from movies, to books, to art is discussed, analyzed, and promptly disagreed upon, in a matter of two minutes.
And yet, during all this time, NEITHER Blair, nor Dan, has mentioned where he or she is planning to INTERN. This is despite the fact that these two are SO scholarly and ambitious, that obtaining said internship SHOULD have been the PRIMARY thing on BOTH of their minds, ever since winter break concluded. (I mean, it’s not like EITHER of them has been getting laid!) But hey, Plot Devices . . . they are important, right? So, Blair and Dan part ways, only to find themselves together again, just moments later, in the Copy Room of W Magazine.
“You want me to WHAT? Collate? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You, over there, in the unfashionable suit, get Dorota on the phone and ask her to tell me what ‘collate’ means?”
Now, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair — a girl, who just last week, memorized the entire biography of a woman on the Forbes list, and literally made a life-sized CHART of her day-to-day schedule, in order to secure an internship with her — wouldn’t even THINK to inquire as to whether there might be OTHER interns working with her at a company as large as the W Magazine. In fact, the Blair WE know and love, would have probably collected a full dosseir on EACH of the other interns (Dan included), complete with their Deepest Darkest Secrets, and already begun the process of bringing each and every one of them down. But, like I said, Plot Devices are important . . .
“Epperly” Blair’s and Dan’s modelesque, but obviously business-minded, boss informs the group that they are all fighting for the same job — which appears to be an “assistant to the editor’s assistant” — sort of deal. (Lesson to you future employers out there: If you want to GUARANTEE a toxic environment within your workplace, THIS is how you do it.) That being said, I actually saw a lot of promise in this storyline . . . intially.
I pictured Dan and Blair banding together (They are members of the SAME Scooby Gang after all), to cleverly and hilariously weed out the other interns, only to engage one another in heated battle, during the final moments of the episode. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen . . .
“W . . . T . . . F!”
I also expected for a place like W Magazine to engage its potential employees in a series of meaningful, Project Runway for Fashion Writers-esque competitions. This way, the “competitors” could truly showcase, which of them was the Best of the Best for the position. What I got instead was Dan and Blair pretty much ignoring the rest of their competition (to their peril, I might add) and engaging in fundamentally idiotic battles over who made the best lattes, and who got to “handle the stapler.” (Unfortunately, this is NOT a Euphemism for Sexual Activity).
All complaints aside, one part of GG’s take on The Devil Wears Prada 2: Electric Boogaloo that I did enjoy, was when Blair distracted Dan from one of his menial office tasks, by shouting to him, “Oh, look! It’s Georgina’s Baby!”
Do you remember that storyline? Because Dan Humphrey probably wishes that you would forget it.
But when the interns actually are assigned a GENUINELY competitive task: Who can get the most prestigious guest to attend Gossip Girl’s Fancy Party of the Week W Magazine’s promotional event? . . . well, that’s when things get REALLY bizarre. As Convenient Plot Devices Luck would have it, both Dan and Blair somehow manage to get a hold of one another’s proposed guest lists. Yet while Blair stupidly politely throws Dan’s list in the trash, determined to play fairly for once, DAN sabotages her, by preventing her prized guest from attending the event.
On the night of the party, Blair finds herself working the door, when, who should enter, but Chuck Bass. Thus, begins, what, OF COURSE, was my favorite scene of the entire episode . . .
BLAIR: “Chuck Bass . . . and no guest. You may enter.”
CHUCK: Blair Waldorf . . . working the door.
BLAIR: “I got an internship at W Magazine.”
CHUCK: “Knowing you, you’ll be Editor and my wife by May. Your plan is working.
BLAIR: “So, it seems to be.”
And in that one small scene — surrounded, as it was, by abyss of woeful Chair-lessness – I found HOPE, for the couple I’ve grown to love over four seasons. Though admittedly short, the interaction was pulsating with chemistry, sexual tension, longing looks, and above all, an unmatched sweetness. This unique flavor of sweetness is one that Chuck and Blair reserve exclusively for one another. Though, on occasion, they can be KIND to others (generous, and self-sacrificing even), never are these two driven, extremely serious, individuals EVER “sweet.” Unless, of course, they are together, sharing a moment like this one.
Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Chuck’s words to Blair, during their painful breakup, back in “The Witches of Bushwick” episode, “When two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”
That, of course, is “The Plan” to which Chuck refers in the scene. And that plan IS working. Because as Blair mentioned during “The Witches of Bushwick,” she needs to chart her own path in life, before she can build a true and everlasting future with Chuck. Succeeding at this internship, is her first step down that Golden Path . . .
So, of course, Dan has to go and screw it up, by sabatoging Blair’s party list, and, thereby, causing THIS to happen . . .
(I would like to note, at this point, that I was searching for a picspam on the Dair tumblr page to insert into this recap. And the mere act of doing so NEARLY gave me a virus. My computer started doing all these weird scary things, and I had to unplug it quickly, before any more damage can be done. I suspect this is either the result of Dair fans wanting revenge against me for my undying devotion to Chair, or the universe trying to tell me something . . .)
Anyway . . .
Back at the W offices, Blair and Dan are packing their things, when Blair reveals to Dan just how big of an ass he REALLY is. As it turns out, Blair’s mom DIDN’T secure Blair this internship, as Dan (and most of us) assumed. Instead, she stalked the office, like a crazy person, to get the job . . . creepily bombarding every fax machine in the office with her resume.
Then she KILLED the intern who was ACTUALLY supposed to get the position . . . just kidding!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this “New and Improved” Blair, who’s willing to actually work hard to get what she wants, as opposed to getting there through manipulation and nepotism. And yet, I find it VERY hard to believe that Eleanor, one of New York’s Premier Designers, couldn’t get Blair an internship at W, by . . . say . . . offering its editor an exclusive peek at her Spring Line. Nevertheless, I agree with Blair, that, Dan’s career aspirations and talents would be better suited with him working for an enterprise like The New Yorker. (For the record, Lily got Dan HIS job . . . probably by paying off Epperley, or screwing the director of Human Resources, knowing her.)
“You wanted an internship. I wanted THIS one,” argues Blair.
Dan then wondered out loud (as most of US wondered) why Blair didn’t sabotage Dan’s efforts to secure a guest for the party. “Guess I must have an undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought this fake friendship might be real!” Blair admits.
“Well, don’t I feel like a Douche!”
Ultimately, Dan redeems himself, by calling Epperley, and admitting that HE was the one who sabatoged Blair’s internship efforts, not the other way around. He goes one step further, by fibbing that it was BLAIR, and not Dan, who got Dan’s famous guest to arrive at the party. He even goes as far as to tell his former boss that HE started the knockdown, drag out, fight with Blair, just to make her look bad.
It WAS a genuinely nice gesture on Dan’s part, I must admit — one that shows that Blair was right. Her FRIENDSHIP with Dan is a real one. And yet, I can’t help but notice that, having lost HIS internship already, Dan really had nothing to lose, by calling Epperley, and taking the blame for what had happened at the party. Now, had only BLAIR been fired, thereby, forcing Dan to GIVE UP the position . . . so that she could have it, in his place . . . THAT would have been a special sacrificial act, indeed.
(A missed opportunity, Gossip Girl writers! If you want us Chair Fans to support a Dan and Blair hookup . . . even if it’s only a temporary one, which ultimately ends in a lasting friendship for the pair . . . you are going to have to work WAY harder than that!)
The next morning, Blair is sulking in bed with Serena, when Epperley calls her, to tell her she has her job back. Blair has 15 minutes to get her butt to the office. (You can’t get ANYWHERE in 15 minutes, in Manhattan!) This probably would explain why Blair showed up at work looking like THIS . . .
Looks like SOMEONE raided SERENA’s closet, by accident . . . FISHNET STOCKINGS? PINK SHORTS? A GRANNY SWEATER? SERIOUSLY, B?
In other news . . .
Strange (and boring) bedfellows
Chuck’s been doing the Horizontal Mambo with Raina, in hopes that she will fall so desperately in love with him, that she will convince her father not to buy out Bass Industries. Riiiiight . . . because THAT always works. (And by “always,” I mean “never.”) Chuck, I’m disappointed in you. Clearly, you need Blair on your side to help you come up with better Diabolical Plans.
Chuck’s eyes are closed, because he’s sleeping through this scene . . . as are most fans.
Chuck’s duller than dishwater scheme hits a bit of a snag, when he learns that Russell Thorpe has hired Nate’s ex-con dad to do his dirty work for him. So, Chuck stupidly requests that Raina fire him. Insulted that Chuck would have the GALL to mix business with pleasure (Clearly, this chick has never watched Gossip Girl before.) Raina kicks Chuck out of her bed . . . for about an hour. Then she takes him back. *Yawn*
Speaking of Nate’s Coke addicted loser of a Papa . . . The Captain of Douchebaggery . . .
. . . he’s positively SHOCKED that his son would even THINK that he, of all people, would sabotage Chuck’s business interests, while working for his corporate enemy. So, the morally outraged Captain moves out of Nate’s house. And then . . . wait for it . . . he tells Russell Thorpe that he is willing to sabotage Chuck’s business interests. SURPRISE!
Eric Finally Gets His Own Plotline! (YAY!) Too Bad its One That Makes Him Look Like a Gullible Moron (BOO!)
The Awkward Moment when you come home, to find your Ex-Boyfriend and your Mom engaged in an in-depth conversation about your Love Life, or lack thereof . . .
This week, we learn that, even though Eric CLAIMS to have been spending time with his boyfriend, Elliot, they actually broke up weeks ago. (Way to spill the beans to Mom, LAME-O Ex Beau, Jonathan!) Instead, Eric has been spending his time filling up on sleeping pills, and hanging out with Drug Dealing Damien — the same guy who (1) almost KILLED Serena, by dealing the drugs Juliet used to knock the poor girl unconscious; AND (2) almost date raped his former bestie, Little J a.k.a. Raccoon Zombie.
He’s still hot though . . . which, come to think of it, may be why Eric likes him so much.
Eric eventually comes clean to his family about what he’s been doing, these past few weeks. But, alas, Mini van der Woodsen is SO very lonely, that when Drug Dealing Damien calls him, in the last few moments of the episode, with offers to “be his friend,” Eric accepts the invitation without a single moment of questioning or hesitation. Well, this certainly doesn’t look good . . .
Speaking of Drug Dealing Damien, his Call of Friendship to Eric seems to be in response to a recent threat he received from Ex Con, Ben (or, as I like to call him, Professor Pedophile) who warned the Triple D to stay away from Serena’s family, even thoughProfessor Pedo claimed earlier in the episode that he had “no romantic feelings for Serena, AT ALL.”
“That’s not really true, Serena. I dreamed about you in prison . . . every single time I dropped the soap.”
Regarding the Happily Now-Of-Age Sort-of / Kind of Couple . . .
Serena is in love AGAIN! (It must be a Monday!)
It appears that Eric isn’t the only van der Woodsen that’s a Glutton for Punishment. No matter that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in prison, and hired his own sister to basically ruin Serena’s life for the entire first half of the season, Serena is positively smitten with Professor Pedo. And when he tells her that he’s leaving town in a few days to start an Organic Farm in Ithaca (?) (Oh, Professor, you are SO on the wrong show!), Serena is positively heartbroken. She’s even more shocked to learn that Professor Pedo isn’t living on his friend’s couch, as he mentioned, but at a Super Seedy Halfway House . . .
It should, perhaps, be noted that Serena defines a “Super Seedy Halfway House” as anything below 80th street . . .
At the Gossip Girl Fancy Party of the Week, Serena’s affection for Professor Pedo grows, when he offers some “fatherly” (hint, hint, wink, wink) advice to Eric about staying away from drug dealers like Damien (and ex cons, like himself, and the Captain of Douchebaggery). Then, Ben actually goes so far as to REJECT Serena’s romantic advances. This nearly sends the Masochistic, Serial Dumping, S to her knees, with orgasmic pleasure.
“Yes . . . yes . . . yes! Reject me! Say you hate me! Treat me like crap, and try to have me murdered! MORE! MORE! MORE!”
So, of course, Serena is flabbergasted, though not exactly surprised, to find that Evil Mommy Dearest Lily (who redeemed herself in fans eyes for precisely two seconds, by getting Ben released from jail) had tried, once again, to use her money and influence to keep Professor Pedo out of the van der Woodsen’s lives for good.
Ben refuses the money, however. And this prompts Rufus to take him on as a tenant. Serena is POSITIVELY THRILLED with this new development. But it just makes me nervous . . . really nervous.
And that’s all I’ve got on Damien Darko. But, of course, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the episode!
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