Game of Groans – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Status Asthmaticus”

After watching 5 seasons of a show, the characters in it become sort of like your friends.

You know them pretty well.

You care about them . . . most of them, anyway.

You want to see them succeed . . . again . . . most of them.

You want to shake them by their little scrawny shoulders, when they do things that are just so friggin stupid, and counterproductive to their leading long, healthy, successful lives, that you can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long in the world, without accidentally running headfirst into moving traffic, while wearing a red Superman cape, and/or drowning in a 3-foot deep kiddie pool.

While you were watching Teen Wolf this week, you may have heard some strange sound effects in the background that you couldn’t quite place. That was me . . . groaning, grumbling, and vigorously shaking my head, at these teenagers, who, just seasons earlier, continuously stuck together, while each and every one of them took a turn at being temporarily evil, but now, for no conceivable reason, have decided to alienate, lie to, and occasionally try to murder one another, all because some good looking guy suggested it would be a good idea.

In short, the Beacon Hills Scooby Gang has somehow become the kids in the slasher film, who you are supposed to be rooting for, but who make it kind of hard for you to do so, when they are constantly, walking alone into the scary basement with no lights and only one exit, when they should instead be running to the car outside, and booking it the hell away from the Cabin Where All Those People Got Murdered Last Summer.

https://youtu.be/olEbwhWDYwM

Let’s review, shall we?

[A big ole thank you to my pal Andre, who convinced me that it was worth it to recap this series this summer, if only so it would give me an opportunity to enjoy his awesome screencaps of it.]

“Suck on My Girlfriend, Please?”

When you are in werewolf “family,” you are guaranteed to experience some really awkward life moments. . . like when you have to beg your father figure to give the new love of your life a hickey, that will make her really hormonal and hairy, so that she won’t die a horribly painful death.

So, THIS exchange happened on the show:

Liam: “Suck on my girlfriend now! Chew on her really good!”

Scott: “Honestly, I just had dinner, and I’m not really hungry right now? Also, she’s really sweaty. I feel like eating her will make me break out. Thirdly, if I chew on her she may get rabies and die . . . but, like, in a different way than she’s dying right now . . . a wolfy way.”

Liam: “All that stuff didn’t seem to bother you when you were sucking on my arm last season, like it was a chocolate Tootsie Pop!”

Scott: “That was different. You were about to become a main character on the show. And you weren’t as gross and sweaty as she is now. You have really great skin, you know that? Like baby soft, and no pores, whatsoever. You were an absolute pleasure to suck. Your girlfriend will taste like ass.”

Liam: ????

Scott: “Also, you were hanging from a building and definitely going to die. Your girlfriend only has a 99.99% chance of dying.”

Liam: ????!!

Scott: “Look, I don’t want to get to first base with your girlfriend’s gross neck, OK? End of discussion. Now, if you’d excuse me, I have to go further emasculate myself, by sucking on this fake inhaler.”

Then, the crew take Dying Hayden to MIA Vet, Deaton’s office, so Melissa McCall, who is neither a doctor, nor a veterinarian, can fail miserably at saving her life. Hayden, who knows she’s a goner, having placed her life in the hands of a bunch of bozos, repeatedly makes the dying request to see her sister before she inevitably croaks. It’s a request that everyone in the room blatantly ignores, because they are total assholes.

At one point, they actually send Scott out to pretend to go fetch the sister, but he goes to visit with his friend Lydia instead. And, of course, no one thinks of calling this woman on her cell phone, or trying to contact her at the police station WHERE SHE WORKS, because she is not a main character, and, therefore, unimportant.

Meanwhile, inside Stiles’ Jeep Roscoe. . .

Bummer Man

Remember back in Seasons 1 and 2 when Stiles was fun? He was the comic relief of the show! The one who wore adorable tee shirts with cute sayings on them, or pictures of muffins . . . the one who had a quippy comeback for every line uttered on the show . . . the one who somehow managed to find a silver lining inside the death trap that he and his friends found themselves in every season?

Don’t get me wrong, Werebangers. Dylan O’Brien is still the best. He acts rings around pretty much everybody on the show, no matter what material he is given. He even pulled off being the best villain the series has ever seen. And he’s tugged at my heartstrings more times than I can count.

But man, has this character been a Charlie Brown with a rain cloud on top of his head all season!

Somebody get this guy on Wellbutrin! Also, get him to a mechanic whose willing to fix his jeep for free. I mean the thing was literally flipped over and set on fire, and Stiles is still driving the thing. You would think his cop dad, might have a problem with that, seeing as there is absolutely no way Roscoe passes inspection, which means his son is violating about a million traffic laws, every time he gets behind the wheel.

Anyway, Stiles in understandably bummed that his friend Scott is acting like such a turd, and, you know, because, he killed that Douchebag with the weird teeth. So, he throws a wrench at the window of poor, broke down Roscoe the Jeep, which is a total example of Kick The Dog Syndrome.

“I don’t like it when you hit me with tools, Stiles.

“When Malia picks him up (because, apparently, she’s a really great driver now), Stiles is being unusually uncommunicative, so Malia, being the good girlfriend that she is, attempts to break the ice, by telling Stiles it’s totally cool that he’s a murderer and stuff. “You killed some people, as Void Stiles. And killed Weird Teeth guy, as yourself,” Malia explains. “I thought I killed my adopted family. And now I actually want to kill my mom. We are a Killer Couple . . . like Bonnie and Clyde . . . if Bonnie was a werecoyote.”

“Um, can we talk about this after I witness my father having yet another brush with death that could have been prevented, if Scott didn’t suck so badly at being a hero?” Stiles asks hopefully.

“Sure, no problem,” replies Malia. “I’m just going to go hang out in the hidey hole where I lived and pooped for eight years, fondle a baby doll, and ogle unnecessarily naked Evil Theo, who, P.S. is part coyote, and is trying to steal me away from you, so you can go be with Lydia.”

“Try not to look at the naked man in the hallway, baby. You are too young to see such things. Me, on the other hand . . .”

“Sounds great. Bye soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!” Stiles calls out over his shoulder, as he heads to the police station.

At the police station, Stiles finds out his father is out of the office. He’s actually at the school . . . with Hayden’s sister, and a large, as of yet unseen chimera, who must really hate Beacon Hills High, and, of course, those pesky not-very-good-at-speaking English Dredd Doctors . . .

Ruh-roh!

Also at the police station with Stiles, but not his dad . . .

Naked Garbage Man Finally Gets a Clue . . . Actually Lydia Gets it For Him . . . Because Thinking Makes His Brain Hurt

With bars between them, so they can no longer beat the crap out of one another as a form of foreplay, Lydia and Parrish are relegated to pretending their fingers are sex organs, and poking at one another through the bars.

“Is life easier for you, now that you know you are a banshee, and can finally stop waking up dirty and naked in the woods?” Parrish inquires conversationally.

“Not really,” Lydia replies. “I mean, it would be if Jeff Davis could get a handle on what banshees actually do, but my powers and skills tend to change week to week, so I never really know what I am until I read the script.”

“Hey, I wake up dirty and naked in the woods sometimes, and seem to really have a thing for manhandling corpses,” Parrish muses. “Does that mean I’m a male banshee? It would explain why we are hot for one another, despite our obvious age difference, and the fact that I am a mental midget compared to you, so we couldn’t possibly ever have any interesting conversations with one another, that go beyond a third-grade reading level?”

“Nah. We are only attracted to one another, because we are both attractive people. And teen shows demand that all attractive people must eventually pork one another,” Lydia explains. “Also you aren’t a banshee, you’re a hellhound.”

“I thought I was a phoenix. Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense, given the hints that were thrown out about me last season?” Parrish wonders.

“It would. But then all the fans immediately pegged you as a phoenix. And that pissed Jeff Davis off. So, he decided to throw a curve ball and make you something else that he randomly found on Wikipedia,” Lydia responds.

“OK. But what exactly makes me a hellhound, as opposed to something else . . . like a phoenix?” Parrish presses.

“I don’t know. Let me go to the school library, and put myself in harms way to find out, even though I could probably just Google Hellhound on my smart phone and get the limited information we need to satisfy this plot point,” Lydia answers as she walks out of the police station, completely ignoring Stiles, who is there too.

“I’m going to break out of here, steal some more bodies, and maybe accidentally kill some people, if you aren’t here to babysit me,” Parrish calls out after Lydia, by way of warning.

“I know and don’t care,” Lydia responds, as she closes the door behind her.

Moments later, Parrish breaks out of his jail cell, all red-eyed and dangerous looking. Stiles, who is a kid, and not a cop, tells all the cops around him not to shoot at the clearly violent Parrish. So, they don’t, and, instead just let Parrish go out into the world and potentially hurt some innocents, without going after him in their cop cars, or calling for backup.

Law enforcement in Beacon Hills is the best!

News Flash: Beacon Hills Officially Has a Vampire

It was only a matter of time folks . . . just a matter of time.

Also, Braeden’s back, and fully confused by what happened to this show during the half-season she’s been away having 24-7 sex with Derek Hale.

“So, the guys in the black suits that talk funny? They are the Oni, right?” Braeden asks Malia, with whom she has never before exchanged words, but who suddenly seems like her best pal.”

“No, that was season 3. These are the Dredd Doctors,” Malia explains.

“But they kind of look and act like the Oni,” Braeden muses.

“I know, right?” Malia replies.

“And Parrish . . . he’s a phoenix?” Braeden continues.

“Hellhound,” Malia corrects.

“What the heck is a hellhound?” Braeden asks.

Malia shrugs.

“What about the douchey good looking evil guy that hits on everyone in the cast, male and female? That’s Jackson?” Braeden asks.

“Nope,” Malia replies.

“Aiden then . . . or Ethan? I always get those two confused.”

“His name is Theo,” Malia answers.

“But he kind of looks and acts like Jackson, Aiden and Ethan . . .”

“I know right?” Malia replies again. “Anyway, enough about them. Come help me kill my mother, before she kills me.”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Braeden responds.

I know Malia and Braeden are both supposed to be straight and spoken for, but, honestly, wouldn’t these two be like the best lesbian couple ever?

More Violence Against Women (and Stiles) Ensues . . .

Theo finds Lydia in the library, and punches her in the face, knocking her unconscious, because he’s afraid she will clue in the Scooby Gang to the fact that she “senses death.”

But clearly, he just punched her in the face for the fun of it, because, obviously she senses death, because like 50 teenagers died this season! So, why would that implicate Theo at all?

Theo’s basically been walking around this entire season, twirling his villain mustache, sporting his “I am Evil tee shirt,” everyday, murdering puppies, and eating babies everywhere he goes, in plain sight.  And yet, still, no one, but Stiles, ever suspected him of wrong doing . . . . probably because the entire Scooby gang has apparently spent the summer drinking Moron Juice, which prevents them from engaging in logical reasoning of any sort. So, why punch a girl in the face now, and ruin all this undeserved trust you’ve built up all season, right when your Evil Plan is finally starting to come to fruition? Because it’s the season finale, obviously . . .

Scott takes the bait to come find Lydia, when he should be off collecting Hayden’s sister and taking her to Hayden’s death bed. This was yet another super dumb move on Scott’s part. So, of course, evil Theo has to lock him in the library using mountain ash, and reveal himself as a villain to SCOTT TOO!

“P.S. Your inhaler is fake and filled with wolfsbane,” Theo explains helpfully. “P.P.S. I’m a chimera, who is going to steal your pack from you, even though I’ve been going around punching them all in the face, which would indicate that I have poor leadership skills. P.P.P.S. Liam is going to kill you and take your Alpha powers to save Hayden, and then I’m going to kill him and take those Alpha Powers from him. Now, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta go punch Stiles in the face, and hope that it will turn him on enough that he will have sex with me. P.P.P.P.S. I’m secretly in love with Stiles. See ya!”

Theo finds Stiles outside, and the two roll around on the ground for a little bit. It’s sexy in a Fight Club sort of way. At least Stiles is fighting back, so it doesn’t give off that domestic abuse sort of vibe we got when Theo was beating the crap out of Lydia. Then, Theo admits to Stiles that both Scott and his father should be dying by the end of the episode, and Stiles can only save one of them.

Stiles chooses his dad, because his dad is awesome, and, at least lately, Scott, is the worst.

It’s the first good choice anyone has made all season . . .

So Many Zombies, So Little Time . . .

Liam has now arrived at the library, and he’s doing a pretty good job of beating to death Scott, the supposed “True Alpha.”

We are told that Liam is doing this because the Super Moon is making his Irritable Bowel Syndrome Act up, so he’s gassy, and really grumpy about it.

Did I say Liam had IBS? I meant IED. I always get those two confused . . .

Liam is so busy beating up Scott to save Hayden, that he totally misses Hayden’s ACTUAL DYING. (Also, no one ever answered Hayden’s dying request to see her sister at her death bed, so that sucks. Mason just barely stops Liam from killing Scott by informing him that Hayden, is in fact, already dead, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Then, Theo pops by, and is really pissed at Mason for stopping Liam from killing Scott, so he . . . wait for it . . . punches Mason in the face, just so the new pack member won’t feel left out, since he’s already done it to everyone else.

You would think now that Theo is totally screwed, right? Because he’s alienated his would-be pack by beating them all up. Plus, he can’t take Scott’s True Alphaness from him directly, as he’s a chimera, who wasn’t bitten by Scott, and Liam didn’t do it for him.

That would be logical. But this is Teen Wolf, where logic left the building two seasons ago. So, Theo kills Scott . . . for a few minutes at least.

And then, he suddenly has the Alpha powers he needs, to do that neck fondling thing to Lydia, where he finds out where the Nemeton is located . . . because, again, big ole trees covered in dead bodies are near impossible to find otherwise.

This inexplicably renders Lydia catatonic, even though it hasn’t had that effect on anyone else who has been neck fondled on the show . . .

Then, Theo takes the heroin mixed in cocaine and dirty water that the Dredd Doctors were using on themselves, and injects it into Hayden, Corey, Tracey, and that kid he killed on the roof a few episodes back, who liked eating electric wires. This act has the surprise effect of bringing them all instantly back to life, as mindless sycophants, who follow him, just because he’s good looking, even though he ACTUALLY MURDERED ONE OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE . . in other words, they act just like our Scooby Gang acted all season, only they have a slightly better excuse for doing so, because . . . ZOMBIES.

“Come with me if you want to live . . . my new pack, who are my second choice, because I punched everyone in my first pack in the face, and they no longer want to play with me,” Theo explains in his best Arnold Schwartzenager from The Terminator voice.

Elsewhere, the Dredd Doctors finally reveal their true plan . . . and it involves . . . wall renovation, and really ugly artwork?

See ya next season, Werebangers!

Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

It’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .

. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .

As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .

Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

Apparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Eating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

Nice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

Damn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

She calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

So, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

Then, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

Kira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

Meanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

Liam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

Liam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

Kira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

We interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

You are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

Once Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

In the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

Theo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

I love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!

Little Miss Kanaima Be Wrong – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Dreamcatchers”

“Heading to Old Navy. I hear they are having a sale on performance fleeces . . .”

If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs?  More wuzzles!”

Than this is the episode for you!

Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.

This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born .  . .

Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside .  .  .

Let’s review, shall we?

Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.

Mystery Date

He’s single, Ladies!  Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.

RIGHT SWIPE!

But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited .  . .

Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski .  . . his free time.  There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .

Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead.  Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.

Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer.  “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits.  “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date.  This town is a complete sausage factory.  I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”

We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!

Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . .  .

The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?

 Perhaps, with cleaner ears Donovan will be able to do better Christopher Walken impersonations when threatening Papa Stilinski.  And that would be a win-win for everyone . .  .

She Drives Me Crazy

As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.

Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.

Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly.  I blame ear-wax build-up.  Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.

During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . .  .

Just kidding.

This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad.  Ruh-roh!

Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .

Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever.  (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)

The Inner Circle

Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink.  “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.

“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.  “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”

At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.

“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.

“We can’t .  . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it.  If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.

“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.

“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.

“He’s you,” Liam offers.

“I’m a gay black teenager?”  Stiles inquires, clearly confused.

“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.

“Intense,” adds Mason.

“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.

“Hodor . . . I am Groot .  . . Intense,” responds Mason.

“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.

Scratch and Sniff

Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.

Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.

“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show.  You look like you are new too.  What’s your name?”  Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.

“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.

“I can’t die.  I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.

“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”

“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.

Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool.  SO EMBARRASSING!

“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.

Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.

“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards.  Now can we kill her, pretty please?”  Malia begs.

“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot.  So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.

“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton.  “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”

“Cutting into her spine?  Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?”  Malia asks.

(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)

“Possibly,” admits Deaton.  “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”

“Intense,” offers Mason.

“You’re not even in this scene.  SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.

Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash.  So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.

Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.

“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers.  “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott.  “Malia can go.”

“On it,” replies Malia.  “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week.  She must be ripe.   I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”

So Many Holes, So Little Time

Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.

“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?

“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains.  “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”

Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.

They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s.  It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.

Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.

(You know who isn’t in a hole?  Donovan.  He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth.  That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)

“Intense,” says Mason.

Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.

Strike a Pose

After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.

(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)

At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.

Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”

Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail.  Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.

Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.

Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her.  This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests.  “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you.  Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.

“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?

“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.

“Seriously?  You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?”  Malia complains.

Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.

And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.

Next week on Teen Wolf  . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.

See ya then!

Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

“Is that a hypodermic needle in your pocket and a scuba hat on your head, or are you just happy to see me?”

Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).

They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..

A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .

A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.

In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?

Seriously . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]

Flash-Forward

“IS IT FRIDAY YET?”

Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.

When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)

Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)

So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.

Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .

They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .

(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja.  Do not try this at home .  . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)

Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.

“You are so boring. I can’t believe you and I used to bone.”

The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.

And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!

Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?

Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.

“Will drilling a hole in my head mess up my hair?”

Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?

Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .

But first . . .

We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .

The Wall Flower

While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .

“I hate you, Parrish, and your smooth perfect skin!”

For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.

Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.

Someone needs a mani / pedi!

Also they kill him . . .

“I always knew my chiseled good looks would be the death of me.”

Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.

“Best . . . death . . . ever.”

Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)

Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!

Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job (maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.

Bonding with Bondage

“This is not nearly as much fun as they make it seem in the books.”

It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!

Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.

That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.

Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!

Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all.  They’ve all been there, seen that.

“Your skin is almost as flawless as Parrish. Grrr.”

Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!

Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?

Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons

Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.

In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .

“Three seasons as the star of this show, and all I got from you were my initials in lousy permanent marker?”

“Hi, my name is Theo.   I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)

Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.

Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.

Maybe the werewolf bit him, because he hated his dorky hat . . .

Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.

Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!

He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.

They go on a stakeout!

Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.

“Yeah, because this isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for my bourgoning sexuality at all.”

“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”

“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.

They look the same to me.

Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.

“Good penmanship is important, dammit.”

Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .

Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian

“Hey buddy? Think you can help me pass biology? Bark once for yes, twice for no.”

While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.

So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).

There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.

Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.

Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf

“Chicks man . . .”

You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.

Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.

Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!

“Is that a big wad of gum on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason.  So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .

Problem solved!

(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .

A Feast for Crows

In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

“They told me it would taste like chicken?”

Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.

“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.

“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”

“Hmm . . . I wonder what Lydia looks like naked . . .”

“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”

“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)

Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .

And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.

What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?

Until next time . . .

Extreme Makeover – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Enter the Dragon”

No offense to Robert Carlyle, but this is pretty much the Worst Makeover Ever . . .

Regina pledges to the Sorority of Evil, Rumpel proves just how two-faced he can be, and Pinocchio is growing up way too fast in this week’s Once Upon a Time

And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

Xanax Makes Everything Better – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 5 and 6

Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!

After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .

. . . this b*tch . . .

Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .

And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .

But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .

Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .

So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.