“Remember when I got really wasted . . . and punched a glass window . . . and glass shattered . . . and some of it hit Blair in the face? NO? That’s good, because I don’t really remember it either. Ah, the wonders of Drunken Binges and Rage Blackouts not to mention schizophrenic, often ridiculous, but still oddly entertaining, episode writing.”
So, I think after last week’s episode, a lot of us thought (hoped?) that this episode would focus on Chuck’s immense guilt over how he behaved during “The Princesses and the Frog,” and his quest to right the wrongs in his life, while winning back the woman of his dreams . . .
Well, as it turns out . . . not so much. Instead, the episode focused on two Evil Looney Tunes . . .
Wrong Evil Looney Tunes!
Those are the ones!
. . . and two very important lessons: (1) NEVER forget to take your anti-psychotic meds, or you may just end up in the principal’s office, begging the guy you’re crushing on to call you another person’s name during sex . . .
CHARLIE: “Call me, Serena!”
DAN: “But . . . I thought your name was, Charlie.”
CHARLIE: *whistles awkwardly*
DAN: “Oh I get it! This is your polite way of telling me that you are a F&*KING NUTBALL, and of reminding me that the guy who played my role in Single White Female ended up being hacked to death by a stiletto heel . . .
CHARLIE: “Pretty much . . .”
. . . and (2) DON’T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, tell Nate Archibald ANYTHING, unless you want the Whole World to know . . .
“Tell me your troubles, and I will sing them from mountaintops. I’m like a low-tech Gossip Girl, in that way.”
Now, from a “Character Development” perspective, this was VERY bad form, on the part of Gossip Girl. After all, by this point, I think it’s pretty obvious to most fans that Chuck and Blair are intended by the writers to be one another’s “endgame” . . .
Chemistry like this doesn’t come in a bottle . . . and can overcome even the shoddiest of plot devices.
So, as a writer, if you plan to tear down one of the character’s in your Endgame SHIP in the eyes of fans, in order to promote drama, angst, and a ratings bump, the least you could do is attempt to redeem him, by illustrating some remorse on his part for what he has done. Aside from a few throwaway lines from Chuck, we didn’t really get that this week, which was somewhat disappointing. On the other hand, Gossip Girl is a show written predominately for entertainment. And “Shattered Bass” was nothing, if not entertaining . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
A Dream is a Wish Your Chuck Makes . . .
Those “Classic Movie” Dream Sequences Blair often has at the beginning of an episode are really weird, aren’t they? I know they are often meant to illustrate what’s going through Blair’s mind, in a “cute and quirky” way. But, honestly, we didn’t need a dream sequence to tell us that Blair was having difficulty choosing between Prince Louis and Chuck, did we? I mean, how dense do these writers think we are?
I don’t even know what movie this was supposed to be! (Someone on Tumblr said it was Roman Holiday. Must have missed that one on my Netflix Queue.) Oh . . . and I didn’t like Blair’s hair in the dream either. You would think Sleeping Blair would have better taste than that . . .
Anywho . . .
We cut to the Empire Hotel, where Chuck doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the brand new GAPING HOLE in his window. (What if the birds fly in and crap, on his expensive furniture?) He also doesn’t seem to understand at all why Nate is mad at him, which is a bit disconcerting. (Though, in Chuck’s defense, Nate probably should have spent less time, judgmentally staring at Drunk Chuck, as the latter took his anger out on that Mean Ole Window, and more time TRYING TO STOP CHUCK FROM ACCIDENTALLY HURTING HIMSELF AND BLAIR.)
“It’s a good thing I’m so pretty. Because I tend to suck ROYALLY, most of the time.”
(By the way, I’ve been trying to figure out how much time has passed in between last week’s episode and this one? Based solely on Chuck and Nate’s conversation, I assumed it was just the next morning. But then things happened later in the episode — like Blair’s parents’ impromptu planning of herengagement party — that made me think at least a few days had past. Perhaps, the timeline was left intentionally ambiguous, due to the way the writers had opted to ignore treat Chuck’s storyline, from last week.)
So, Nate announces to Chuck that he is going to be staying over at Raina’s for a few days. And Chuck basically responds by saying, “Suit yourself, Lame-o! Get out and stay out! I own this ENTIRE HOTEL!”
CHUCK: “I bet RAINA’S apartment doesn’t have a Wii Entertainment System, or a lifetime supply of POT.”
NATE: “I am so screwed . . .”
Charlie’s Angels (are probably on vacation)
“This one time . . . at band camp . . . I murdered my boyfriend in his sleep . . . by shoving so many candies down his throat that he choked on them. Would you like a Gummi Bear?”
Those of you (like me) who were INSANELY excited that Manessa was “studying abroad,” and, therefore, would be out of our hair for good . . .
. . . were probably a tad disappointed to see her again toward the beginning of this episode . . .
As it turns out, Manessa (having just been burned by Charlie, while trying to screw SERENA and BLAIR). Now, all the sudden, is back to wanting to “help” Serena defeat Charlie . . .
“Please talk to me. Otherwise, I won’t have any lines in this episode, and they won’t pay me.”
Initially, at least, Serena tells Manessa to F*&k OFF!
Cut to Dan Humphrey Dumpty’s House, where Charlie is telling Dan that her favorite book is Flowers in the Attic, which, among other things, is about a brother and sister, who occasionally like to DO IT with one another . . .
This really should have been Dan’s first sign that all was not kosher in Charlie-land . . .
But as we know, all too well, Oh Danny Boy, is SUPER NAIVE, not to mention, a real Sucker for the Psychos. And so he invites Charlie to the Charity Ball taking place that night Blair’s and Serena’s old high school. Charlie then, not so subtly, brings up Dan’s and Serena’s high school relationship, which Dan seems almost too eager to discuss with her. This is something that people in the BIZ like to call . . . FORESHADOWING . . .
CHARLIE: “Mmmm . . . mind if I pretend you’re my brother?”
The Return of Cyrus Rose (and Blair’s Deliciously Nasty Sense of Humor)
“Drink Vitamin Water . . . or Blair Waldorf will NOT be your friend.”
After some ridiculously blatant, and completeley obnoxious, product placement / advertising for a company that shall remain nameless SEE ABOVE. Blair’s Ma and Step-Pa discuss with their daughter plans for her upcoming engagement party. Specifically, they talk about how they plan to use said party to win over Princess Sophie, and convince her that Blair is, in fact, Princess Material. When Serena enters the room, Eleanor (who undoubtedly didn’t watch last week’s episode of Gossip Girl. FOR SHAME, Eleanor!) politely inquires whether Serena will be attending the party in Blair’s honor . . .
“Well, I would love to go. Unfortunately, I already have plans to have sex with a Guest Star during that time . . .”
Before Serena even has time to formulate an answer, Blair’s got HER response, ready and waiting. “YOU are not invited. I’d like to actually be engaged when it’s over.”
Serena can’t, for the life of her, understand why Blair hasn’t forgiven her for attempting multiple times to EMBARASS HER IN FRONT OF A ROYAL FAMILY and TOTALLY RUIN HER LAST CHANCE HAPPINESS. Talk about holding on to a grudge! After all it’s been . . .a whole TWO DAYS (maybe?), since this happened! I mean, come on BLAIR! What gives?
Of course, Blair’s response to Serena’s whiny / half-assed “I’m sorry” is PURE PERFECTION! “Like everything else in your life, your apology was underwhelming,” she replies snidely.
Sometimes, I wish I could put Blair Waldorf in my pocket, and keep her there, as I go about my day. I mean, seriously, how handy would it be to ALWAYS have the perfect nasty remark for EVERY SITUATION?
Speaking of nasty . . .
HEY! JACK BASS is BACK!
“Hey Raina, do you think there’s any chance your dad would be interested in trading your body for a hotel?”
If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode, Raina called Jack Ass. It turns out that she wants his help in bringing down Chuck, in order to avenge her mother’s death. In return for his help, Raina promises Jack Ass the “run of Bass Industries.” (Now, I’m not entirely sure how SHE can give him this, considering she has NO OWNERSHIP INTEREST WHATSOEVER in the company. But, no matter!) Jack Ass, at least initially, seems intrigued by Raina’s offer, but even more intrigued with the notion of breaking into the Thorpe pantalones. Nate Archibald is not amused . . .
Always a PRO at being extremely creepy, and Dirty Old Man-esque, but still oddly sexy playing both sides, Jack schedules a meeting with Papa Thorpe, and cuts a deal with HIM too. Jack Ass promises to personally bring down Chuck Bass, in exchange for a boatload of money. He also plans to give Russell the one piece of furniture he wishes to “inherit’ from Bart Bass, a key to the dead guy’s old lockbox, which, as we know, is currently located in Chuck’s hotel apartment.
JACK: “Hey Russell, would you be interested in having sex with me, in exchange for a hotel?”
RUSSELL: “You don’t OWN any hotels.”
JACK: “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?”
A Word of Warning (a LOOK of Eye-Fucking)
CHUCK: “I’m truly sorry for what I did to you, Blair. It was awful. And there are no excuses for it.”
BLAIR: “It’s OK, Chuck. I get it. You aren’t a Bad Guy. You are just written that way, sometimes . . .”
While taking a leisurely city stroll with Louis, and a slightly less acerbic than usual Princess Sophie, Blair spies Jack Ass in the distance. Knowing trouble when she sees it, the Queen B makes some lame excuse to leave the Royals, so that she can f*&k warn Chuck . . .
“Princess Sophie, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Are you genuinely this miserable all the time, or do your daily Botox injections simply prevent you from smiling?”
Surprisingly more astute than her own son, on matters concerning his fiance, Princess Sophie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl regularly) informs Louis that he should follow Blair, to make sure that she isn’t lying to him, and secretly meeting Chuck behind Louis’ back . . . which . . . of course, she TOTALLY IS!
Since Chuck and Blair will ALWAYS be connected in some way, even when they are not technically together, Blair instantly knows that she will be able to find Chuck on the rooftop of his hotel . . .
“Please! Don’t jump! The Raccoon Zombie has been fired from Gossip Girl. She will never eat our trash again!”
“You finally came to your senses,” says Chuck.
And though Chuck’s eyes lit up in such a beautiful way, upon seeing the woman he loves, that, under any other circumstances, this moment would have melted my heart, the fact that Chuck said THIS made me want to throw my sneakers at the television screen! Came to HER SENSES? Because, just two(?) days after your earning of a Gold Medal in Olympic Wall Punching / Glass Breaking, she’s “finally” willing to talk to you?
Come on, Chuck! Even NATE thinks that was a douchbag thing to say. And he’s a total moron!
It’s almost as if Chuck and Serena both coordinated their outfits for the episode, so that they could both be wearing Matching Cloaks of Selfish Entitlement, the first time each spoke with Blair. “You have no idea what I’ve been going through, since that night,” Chuck explains. (What YOU’VE been going through, Chuck? Oh honey! Someone needs a “How Not to F*&k Up” lesson in Blair wooing STAT!)
In terms of their actual conversation, Blair simply warns Chuck that his Evil Uncle is back in town, and then leaves . . .
But, thanks largely to Ed Westwick’s and Leighton Meester’s superb acting skills, fans can see there is so much more to this reunion than “meets the ear.’ Both Chuck and Blair look at one another with longing, sadness, hope, and the fear of losing their one true love forever. It’s a simple scene, but one that is both quietly moving, and packs an emotional wallop, as well.
Not surprisingly, Blair is seen leaving the Empire Hotel, by the ONE person who shouldn’t be seeing such things . . .
“Every move you make . . . every vow you break . . . every smile you fake . . . every claim you stake . . . I’ll be WATCHING YOU!”
Speaking of people who need to be watched . . .
Charlie and the Choco-NUTS Factory
You’ve really gotta hand it to Rufus Humphrey! He does the “bewildered and frightened because my son might be screwing a homicidal maniac” look like NOBODY’s BUSINESS . . .
GG fans were blessed with Rufus’ hilarious facial expressions TWICE this episode. The first time was when he noticed an EMPTY bottle of Charlie’s Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pills, and figured out that she had stopped refilling them. The second time was after Charlie DID have the pills refilled, but he found them dumped out in the trash can, along with the once-again empty Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pill bottle.
Meanwhile, Charlie has no clue what to wear to the Charity Ball. And Serena (who TOTALLY freaked out at the notion of Blair kissing Dan once, but, oddly enough, seems not the least bit threatened by Charlie’s “puppy dog” rabid pitbull crush on the guy) suggests that Charlie demand access to, and raid, her personal trust fund, in order to purchase a suitable dress . . . Gotta love the priorities on this show!
“Ahhh . . . the joys of coming from a filthy rich family, and, never, ever having to work, or have any ambition, whatsoever.”
Charlie follows Serena’s suggestion, and comes back with a suitably expensive dress. Unfortunately, we never get to see it. Charlie takes ONE look at a picture of Serena necking with Dan Humpty Dumpty, in the Special Gold Dress that Serena wore during her cotillion, and suddenly, all the circuits short in her brain . . .
Charlie arrives at Blair’s engagement party looking EXACTLY like Serena van der Woodsen, circa 2007! And when Serena calls her out on it, part of me is REALLY hoping for a TOTAL Catfight . . .
But alas, Doofus Dan TOTALLY sticks up for Charlie, and takes her to Constance Billard Academy for the Charity Event. It is there, in the Headmistress’ office, behind closed doors, that THIS happens . . .
There’s nothing like learning that your new Psycho Girlfriend wants to SWITCH IDENTITIES with your old (Also Kind of Psycho, but in a more normal way) Girlfriend to RUIN THE MOOD! I guess Serena and Manessa, were right about this one, after all, huh Dan? (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)
Meanwhile . . .
Show me all your PARTS, Blair! (Especially the dirty ones.)
“So, when I found out we were going to be dating, I rented the first three seasons of Gossip Girl. It looks like you enjoy having kinky sex in strange places. What are your thoughts about having not-particularly-kinky sex in a castle? If you want, Princess Sophie can WATCH!”
Upon hearing the good news that Princess Sophie has conveniently deemed Blair an acceptable princess for Louis. (She and Cyrus Rose apparently bonded over a love of birds (?)) . . .
Louis confronts Blair about her little Rooftop Rendezvous with Chuck. Matching the small scar on Blair’s face with the bandage on Chuck’s hand, Louis puts two and two together, and figures out that Blair Waldorf has some SERIOUSLY dirty little secrets in her closet. Louis insists that Blair confess her sins secrets to him. (Why doesn’t he just look them up on Gossip Girl, like his MOM did?) “If you want us to work, you need to show me everything,” Louis pleads. “All of your parts . . . even the ones you are ashamed of.”
Louis and Blair then proceed to makeout . . .
. . . but not before he gives her an ultimatum. “Show up at [the Constance Billard Charity Ball], only if you are willing to share your life with me.”
“Geez, dude! I don’t have time to tell you ALL that! Just read the books, and be done with it!”
Of course, Blair recognizes that there is only ONE person who loves her for all her Dark and Twisty Parts, as well as her Light and Fluffy ONES. After all, HE is JUST as dark and twisty as she is . . .
Blair worries that Louis won’t love her anymore, when he learns how much she enjoys sex games, limo sex, and weird black and white movie dreams. And, of course, the person to whom she chooses to confess all this to is . . . wait for it . . . Cyrus Rose!
“If you would excuse me, for a moment, Blair. I have . . . ah . . . a hotdog that needs squeezing.”
Despite being, perhaps, inappropriately turned on by his stepdaughter’s words, Cyrus sweetly convinces Blair to come clean to Louis about her DARKSIDE. The problem, of course, is that Blair might not make it to the party in time . . .
Russell Gets Burned . . . So he BURNS Someone Else . . .
Who would have thought these three would end up forming the PERFECT Bromantic Trio?
As he had earlier promised to Russell Thorpe, Jack Ass (along with Nate?) confronts a seemingly inebriated Chuck Bass, claiming him to be insane, for what he did to Blair (among other things), and wanting to ship him off to rehab . . .
Chuck puts on a jolly good show, screaming like a loon, and beating up on both Jack Ass and Nate . . .
CATHARSIS!
“After everything you’ve done to me, I’d be insane NOT to want to beat YOU,” Chuck exclaims. (And he’s kind of got a point there . . .)
Eventually, Jack Ass’s goons cart Chuck away . . . (or do they?) Jack Ass then tosses Russell the key to the lockbox he had requested.
But when Russell returns to the Empire Hotel to search the box, Chuck, Nate, Jack Ass, and some cops are right outside waiting for Russell. And it is . . . AWESOME!
It’s genuinely nice to know that Jack Ass doesn’t TOTALLY live up to his name. And that, while he may be willing to buy his nephew’s girlfriend, in exchange for a hotel . . .
. . . he’s not quite willing to sell out his own flesh and blood for Russell Thorpoop. Low and behold, Chuck Bass now magically has footage of Russell locking up the burned down hotel, and leaving his OWN wife in there to DIE . . . all because she wanted to dump him for Bart Bass . . .
“I know . . . I’m such a stud.”
Apparently, BART was the one Russell meant to be killed in the fire, not Avery. And yet, BART agreed to keep things quiet about the murder, because HE felt partly responsible. (OK . . . so basically BART BASS saved YOUR ASS, RUSSELL THORPOOP, and yet, you STILL wanted revenge on his son! What an Asshat, you are!)
BUSTED!
Seriously Thorpoop! When BART BASS comes out looking like the Good Guy in a situation, you’ve gotta know you are Pretty F*&king AWFUL human being!
But, lest things start getting too maudlin, you can always count on Jack Ass to provide some comic relief . . .
You’ve really gotta love characters who (1) know that what’s going on around them is just completely ridiculous; and (2) seem to understand, instinctively that they are on a TV show, and that none of this really matters. Jack Bass is CLEARLY one of these characters. Other, Fabulous Jack Ass gems uncovered, during this episode, include:
“Can we call the cops already, so that we can leave. I’m hungry and all you appear to have in your fridge are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.”
AND
“I can’t choose my entre with Hallmark Hall of Fame playing in the background. I’m calling the cops.”
DUDE! I’m keeping this guy in my pocket too! (But not in the same pocket I’m keeping Blair in. I don’t want ANY funny stuff, going on in my pants!)
Mommy wants herself some Jack Ass!
Being the benevolent soul he is, Chuck refuses to take Russell’s company from him, even though it is offered to him, by the desperate loser, who seems more worried that his daughter will find out that he’s a Sadistic Psycho Liller than anything else. Chuck promises not to tell Raina that her dad killed her mom, provided Russell leave town and never come back.
With Thorpoop out of the picture, Chuck bids a fond farewell to his Fun Uncle . . .
All together now: “Awwwwwww!”
. . . and heads off to Constance Billard to, in his words, “make sure the nice guy doesn’t win.” You’ve really gotta hand it to Chuck, I mean here’s a guy who makes no bones about who he is, or what he wants. And what he wants is THIS . . .
That being said, it really is a shame that Prince Louis ended up being SUCH A NICE GUY . . . because I suspect even the staunchest of Chair fans are going to feel a bit bad for him, when he inevitably loses the girl . . .
Wrong place, wrong SHIP, buddy!
Two people who will certainly NOT be feeling bad for Louis, however, are Mini Blair and Serena. (Remember them?) When Chuck arrives at Constance Billard, these two girls have some words of encouragement for their Male Idol . . .
“I knew he wouldn’t give up on her.”
As for Blair, she’s on her way to Constance Billard too. The question is, will she get there in time?
The Part Where Nate Opens his Big Fat Trap and RUINS Everything (Then again, maybe not . . .)
NATE: “So, it’s been less an a full episode, since you and I made Chuck’s life miserable. What can we do?”
RAINA: “Let’s send my father off the deep end, and try to get Blair Waldorf killed.”
NATE: “Great idea! Why didn’t I think of that?”
RAINA: “You tend not to think of anything at all, except for sex and reefers.”
NATE: “You know me so well . . .”
So, remember when Russell made Chuck promise not to tell Raina that he was O.J. Simpson’s Doppelganger? It turns out he should have extended the request to EVERYBODY in the room. Because, of course, Nate just CAN’T WAIT to tell Raina that her father killed her mother. . . just like he couldn’t wait to tell Raina that CHUCK’S DAD killed her mother, LAST WEEK.
In the limo, on the way to Constance Billard, a blubbering Raina confronts her father, and cuts him out of her life for the SECOND time in about two weeks. (You would think he would be used to this by now.)
“Please Lord, let this interminable storyline be over!”
“Ha ha, that’s what YOU think!”
His reputation tarnished, his daughter having abandoned him again even though I don’t think she ever UN abandoned him, from the first time, Russell feels he has absolutely nothing to lose. And for the second time this hour, a character’s brain short circuits . . .
Russell calls Blair, pretending that Chuck wants to jump off the roof of his Hotel, and is asking for her. Thanks to Russell, Blair rushes immediately to Chuck’s aid. In doing so, of course, she neglects to visit Louis at Constance Billard, so that they can have their all-important “talk.”
It’s official. Crazy Russell is Team Chair! The problem is, he also seems to want Blair DEAD, as a way of getting vengeance on Chuck for ruining his life. (Because, remember, as Jack Ass said earlier in the episode, “Nothing sends Chuck Bass off the deep end faster than losing Blair Waldorf.”)
So, basically, the episode ends with Blair alone on the roof with that Wackadoo Russell Thorpoop . . .
And if you think that Blair is actually going to DIE, than I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.00. Still, it’s a pretty cool cliffhanger right? You can check out the promo for next week’s installment of Gossip Girl here . . .
Until then . . . XOXO!
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