Gossip Girl is DEAD . . . and a Donut?! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s SERIES Finale

“I’m Mini Bass.”

My dear GGers.  I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders.  (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)

However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words .  . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.

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In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . .  . and die.

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Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?

Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background.  We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .

Bass-ketball, anyone?

. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.

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“Just hanging out . . .”

Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.

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Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch.  Let’s see that again . . .

I know.  I’m a terrible person.  Moving on . . .

Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing.  Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood.  Talk about a classy way to go!  Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r.  He’s done this before . . .

Reporters are now on the scene.  And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen.  Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks.  After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car?  That would be silly!

Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?

Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM!  (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.  You know how I know?  Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!

In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!

Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER!  OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old.  And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War.  But seriously?  This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity?  No wonder it took you five years!

Also, hey I majored in journalism   write a blog  watched Newsroom a few times on HBO!  I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else.  Not Nate though.  He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time.  Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.

I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder.  Now that’s what I call true friendship.  If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate.  I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop.  “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom.  And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape.  But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.

“Do you think we can hurry this up?  Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”

Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .

“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”

“Peekaboob!”

Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!).  And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass?    (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories.  No me gusta.)

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Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles.  You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .

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Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!

This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.  It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and  a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.

“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.

(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge.  Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)

Chuck is bothered by this.  He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams.  Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.

She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .

Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple .  . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again.  And why not?  He knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her.  The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .

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Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .

In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)

Call me callous.  But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read.  And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.

But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one.  Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan.  And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.

“I also have very little self respect.  Shhh!”

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Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan.  But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.”  Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since?  That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me.  But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”

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Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”

Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies?  Cougarthritis?

Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .

Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW.  But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .

Be careful, VDW.  This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .

So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself.  “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story.  Actually, I think I saw that one before.  Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?

Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.”  There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town.  VDW is definitely one of those dudes.  He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny.  Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .

The Quick and The Wed

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I don’t know about you.  But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse.  But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license.  (Now, come on.  I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan.  Just saying . . .)

Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET!  How fitting!  Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal.  It’s no Harry Winston.  That’s for sure.  But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”

At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden.  (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.)  He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.

When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!

But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police.  (INGRATES!)  And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time.  Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away.  Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.

But she didn’t.  I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’.  Oh well . . .

It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited

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Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react.  “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

(Sure, blame the maid.  Typical New York politician . . .)

“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan  . . .

Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked,  but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside.  “Gossip Girl is real?”  Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.

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Oh Veronica Mars!  I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse .  . .

. . .  or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .

Plothole, Schmathole.  It’s the FINALE!

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OK.  Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl.  For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside,  the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer.  This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.

And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.

It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them.  Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher?  Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . .  Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .

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It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.

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But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right?  From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .

Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .

In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers .  . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected,  back in Season 1.

But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?

I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.

And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him.  Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .

A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER

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Flash forward five years into the future.  Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.”  (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).

But where was Monkey?

“I’ve been replaced by a child star.  GRRR!”

Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .

(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)

(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)

Lily is married to Dr. VDW again.  And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB.  Remember her?

All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .

Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.

(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)

Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!

(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)

Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair.  But he’s single too.

And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?

He’s PSYCHIC!

Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl.  Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .

Even Donuts deserve love . . .

In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders.  And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.

All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another.  We loved it. . .

We hated it . . .

We were aroused . . .

We were nauseated . . .

We wanted more . . .

We wanted it to end . . .

But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come.  And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.

They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly.  XOXO,

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]

Gossip Girl Season 5 Through the Looking Glass – A look at where all our UES’ers left off, and what this means for the show’s final season . . .

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).

But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl. 

With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date!  After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination.  For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .

For others?  Not so much . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Nate Archibald

For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .

. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies.  First there was the Cougar . . .

Then, the Imposter . . .

And, finally the Ingenue . . .

But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .

And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other  recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.

That’s right!  Thanks to a  surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail.  The question is what will he do when he finds her?  Take her down?  Or take her to bed?  The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.

Who are we kidding?  We know he’s going to f*&k her.  XOXO, indeed!

As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .

Penelope Shafai

Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.

As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries.  Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party,  and possibly reuniting with the Donut.  Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .

However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .

Lola Rhodes

Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case.  So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.

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(And why not?  Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.)  Lola’s only precondition to the payout?  That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen  Bass Humphrey Bass . . .

As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin.  Rumor has it, we won’t be  seeing her again any time soon . . .

Ivy Dickens

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Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola,  Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world.  In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less.  With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .

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Speaking of people with something to prove . . .

Rufus Humphrey

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Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.

But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight.  My prediction?  He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .

Lily van der Woodsen

From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola .  . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.

And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.

However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story.  And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that.  After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character.  (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)

I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer.  Speaking of Bart . . .

Bart Bass

This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style!  I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him!  That’s just cold!

With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.

But the higher they rise, the harder they fall.  And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .

Speaking of falling from grace . . .

Serena van der Woodsen

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The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.

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The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes).  Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.

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And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.

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 My prediction for Serena in Season 6?  An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.

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 Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate.  I always really liked those two together . . .

Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .

Donut Humphrey

Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.

The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one.  Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.

But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.

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Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places.  After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.

Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions.  After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her.  But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.

And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.

Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year  .  . .

In other news . . .

Jack Bass

Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?

After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.

Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of .  . . Chuck’s heart . . .

Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .

Chuck Bass

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It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . .  starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.

Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .

What followed was Chuck’s redemption story.  Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.

Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.

And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.

Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons.  But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother.  Weird!

But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret  . . . His father had been alive all this time!  In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father!  My head spins just thinking about it.

Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?

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But worry not, Chair fans.  We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”

Blair Waldorf

Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season.  More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5.  Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .

. . .  to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .

. . .   to her shocking change of style . . .

. .  .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .

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. . .  Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart,  sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.

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But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.

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She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.

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After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.

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For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.

My prediction for these two, next season?  The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“I Know Who Killed Me,” a Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fugitives”

[Greetings Fangbangers!  The TVD Season 3 Finale Recap is on its way.  I should have it up by early Saturday morning, EST!  We have A LOT to talk about!]

“Try and hit me with your car again, LOSERS!” 

Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on GG, Donut Dan’s frightening Medusa-like bedhead, and crippling self doubt, threatened to end his relationship with Blair.

But,  unfortunately, it’s not quite dead . . . yet . . . just paralyzed from the waist down, and begging to be put out of its misery.

Also on GG, Lola and Ivy gave us a glimpse into the future of both of their respective acting careers  . . . by posing as high middle lower-middle class call girls.

Meanwhile, Serena, after weeks of pretending to be Gossip Girl, put on a headband, and pretended to be Blair Waldorf instead.  (Clearly, this is a Multiple Personality Disorder waiting to happen.)

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In other news, Bart Bass is adjusting to not being dead anymore.  And who knows?  In another year or two he might even re-learn how to emote and display real facial expressions . . .

So, slap on your sassiest headband, pick up your favorite flavor of gelato (as long as it’s not pistachio), and, for Heaven’s Sake, hide your diary, because it’s time for another GG cap . . .

“What did we bury that day?”

I suspect few GG fans would disagree with me, when I say that, as amusing as Bart Bass: Real Estate Magnate of the Undead is to watch, it’s pretty much the most ridiculously unbelievable plotline these writers have ever put on our screens . . . well, except for maybe that whole “Pact with G*d” thing.  Actually, Chuck Bass thinks it’s pretty ridiculous too. This is why he meets with his father, early on in the episode, in hopes of getting some much needed answers for himself, and, by extension, GG viewers.

“You look pretty good, for someone who’s been underground for three years, dad.  Was there a tanning bed in your hidey hole?” 

Bart explains to Chuck how one of his Big Bad Competitors . . . one with some all-too-convenient “connections to the mob,” tried to get Bart killed in that fateful car accident.  So, Bart, being the strong, powerful, manly man that he is, decided to deal with it by . . . going Ninja on his would be killer’s ass      going to the police and having him arrested  ruining him financially by buying out all his hotels    using his own mob connections to kill the guy right back  giving him a royally painful wedgie  burrowing in an underground hole for three years, while wearing a Snuggie, and watching a whole lot of Real Housewives episodes.  Bart Bass . . . MY HERO!

“This guy even makes ME look good!”

But Chuck’s not done with his interrogation.  There’s so much about this situation that still confuses him . . . and me.  Like, for example, how did Bart manage to fake a flatline in the hospital, while the entire Bass / VDW clan was standing over him, pretending to be genuinely upset about his demise?  And what or who exactly did they put in Bart’s coffin for the faux funeral?  Actually, I have a few ideas about that one . . .

Also, how did Zombie Bart manage to sneak blood to Chuck, without anyone knowing he was there .  . . or that he supposedly has no pulse?  Chuck wants to know the answers to all these questions.  But, most of all, he wants to know who tried to have his father killed, so that he can get REVENGE.

 “Avenging the not real death of my father . . . I think I read a book about that once . . .”

So, Bart answered these questions, right?  I mean, of course, he had to answer these questions.  A show simply can’t have a character come back from the dead, after three years, without explaining to fans how it happened . . . right?  RIGHT?

Noooo . . . sorry.  You lose, Chuck Bass!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next Undead Dad!

By the way, I miss Monkey.  Where’s he been lately? 

It would have been easy to laugh off a moment like this.  But Ed Westwick gave the situation some genuine gravitas, illustrating how this cold callous man had the power to transform the  dignified, often cocksure, adult Chuck Bass, into a vulnerable boy in desperate need of his father’s love and affection.  “What is this?  You’re kicking me out?  You’re just going to disappear, and leave me alone again?” Chuck inquires, eyes filling with tears, as one of his father’s henchmen bodily removes him from the premises.

It’s literally impossible not to feel for Chuck in this scene.  And yet Bart Bass seems to manage it quite well.  Seriously, I’m starting to think that the guy is actually a cyborg.  It would explain so much . . .

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Louis-bot approves . . . 

Despite all this, Chuck is still determined to vanquish his father’s enemies, Amanda Clarke from Revenge-style.  He turns first to one of his most “loyal and trusting” henchmen, Andrew Tyler.  You know, the guy who Chuck is forever throwing ridiculous sums of money at to provide him with misinformation nearly every week?  But Andrew doesn’t want to take the case, despite Chuck’s willingness to pay him three-times his normal fee.  He, apparently, has better things to do . . . like needlepoint . . . or spelunking.

“I’m not just a P.I. / lawyer.  I’m also dress up like a clown for children’s birthday parties . . .” 

Come on, Andrew Tyler!  Buck up, buddy.  Chuck is offering you obscene amounts of money to find the secret not-killer of a secret not-dead guy.  And he’s pretty much guaranteed to pay you, even if you provide him with the wrong name.  (He’s done it before!)  So, tell him it was Oscar the Grouch or something, take the money, and run.  It’s not like you actually have “morals,” or anything . . .

Shunned by his father, and spurned by the uber-un-talented Andrew Tyler, Chuck is now more determined than ever to find out who orchestrated his father’s car accident, all those years ago . . .

“No need to be a Jealous Freak.”

While Donut Dan is in the shower, wrestling with the ferocious Chia Pet that, since last week, has made a nest in his head and given birth to an entire litter of tiny baby Chias . . .

. . .  Blair is busy sexting with Chuck . . .

Chuck’s reply text: “I’m fine now that I got this pesky underwear off.  How are you?”

(By the way, I love that Blair is so prim and proper in her texting. She even uses capital letters and punctuation marks.)

Unfortunately, before Blair can tell Chuck that she’s not wearing underwear, she receives a call from Dan’s agent, who quickly informs her that the Donut has turned down Italy on her behalf.  Blair, understandably, is furious.  I mean, here she was, finally being given the opportunity to spend the summer away from Donut Dan, so that she could carry out an awesomely torrid affair with Chuck Bass across every limo in Manhattan . . .

. . .  and Humpty Humphrey totally ruined it for her.

So, selfish, right?

Blair begs the Donut to reconsider his decision.  After all, she explains, “Rome is just two glasses of Chardonnay away . . . assuming you drink wine really, really, really slowly.”

She goes on to assure this puff pastry that he has absolutely nothing to worry or be jealous about, when it comes to Chuck.  And her argument would probably be considered pretty convincing too . . . provided Dan has never rented the first four seasons of Gossip Girl on DVD . . .

“The most important thing in a relationship is trust . . . after sex, hygiene, and earning potential.”

Though Blair acts all cool, calm and collected with her hairy temporary tattoo of a boyfriend, beneath the surface, she’s furious with him for lying to her.  And so she turns to the only woman who could really understand her pain . . . Serena van der Woodsen, the woman who’s not-so-secretly still in love with Dan.  Way to be sensitive, Waldorf!

Ditched by Dan, canned by Nate, bested by Serena, and ousted by Gossip Girl herself, you can tell that the slings and arrows of life have started to take their toll on Serena.  For starters, she’s wearing a sweater that looks like it’s been chewed up and spit out, by a pack of rabid coyotes . . .

“Some girls eat their feelings, when they get upset, I eat my fabrics.”

And when Blair starts waxing poetic about the trust issues threatening her totally lame relationship with the Donut, and how honestly is like the eighth most important thing in a good relationship (distantly behind good sex and hygiene, and not getting your hair done by the Tazmanian Devil), Serena feels compelled to confess her own Gossip Girl-centric sins to her bestie . . .

“Oh, while we are on the subject, I’m also secretly Perez Hilton and that ‘I’m a lawyer’ guy from TMZ.” 

So, was Blair furious with her BFF for hiding this HUGE secret from her?  Not a bit!  In fact, Blair seemed more disappointed that she herself didn’t get the opportunity to dirty blog the “scandalous lives of Manhattans elite,” than betrayed by her bestie.  Now that Blair mentions it, I too am kind of disappointed that the sassy, manipulative and side-splittingly sarcastic, “Origina Gangster” Queen B never got to take the helm as Gossip Girl.  For one thing, I think she would have been ten times better than Georgina or Serena at the job . . . giving the actual GG a real run for her money, in the process.

Also, it would have been a heck of a lot more interesting to watch then this whole “pretending to date Dan fiasco.”

Speaking of Blair’s love life, she runs into Chuck Bass, as she’s leaving Serena’s place.  As per usual, the chemistry between the two is electric.  Blair looks at Chuck, eyes filled with concern and thinly-veiled longing.  She wants to know how he’s processing this overload of information regarding his father.

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She can see the pain in his expression, though he tries to remain strong.  When Chuck tells her that his father is leaving town again, and asks for her help and moral support, she agrees without question.  It’s the only thing she can do.

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BLAIR: “You mean, aside from in your pants?  Not that I can think of?”

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“Waiiiiittt . . . what about meeeeeee?!!!” 

So, Blair follows Chuck into his limo for the second time in as many episodes LIMO SEX! LIMO SEX!  LIMO SEX!, while, Dan searches for her to share some boring important information about Italy. Haha!  SUCKA!

“When this Chair’s a-rockin  . . . take a taxi Humpty Humphrey.” 

“Dan needs you . . . to pretend you still have feelings for him.”

While Chuck and Blair wait to speak to Diana, in hopes of getting answers about Bart Bass’ past, Serena calls Blair to warn her that the Donut is on the prowl.

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“Dan needs you,” Serena warns.

(Um, sorry Dan, but Chuck needs her more.  Why don’t you call back when Rufus fake dies, and we can talk?)  Nevertheless, Serena’s guilt trips works on Blair enough to get her to leave Chuck with his not-mother Diana.

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Speaking of Diana, didn’t she have like the longest guest star stint, ever?  Because it sure seemed like she did.   That said, it’s hard not to enjoy a scene that begins with Chuck “thanking” Diana for lying about his father, traumatizing him for life, by pretending to be his mother, and f*&king his best friend.  (For that last one, Diana thanks him right back.  After all, when it comes to Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass has always been the Best Pimp Ever.)

“Nate always gets so slutty when he drinks.” 

Knowing full well that Nate Archibald has become the sex / blackmail monkey on her back, Diana is eager to strike with her not-son.  She agrees to tell Chuck who tried to kill his dad, in exchange for him getting Nate off her tail, and shipping her back to run a London newspaper with her “reputation” in tact.  (Um, what reputation, Slutty McWhoreson?)

Later, Diana pops by Chuck’s house to offer him the name of the murderer, in question: “Mason Nevens” . . . fakest . . . name . . . ever (my apologies to all those Mason Nevens out there, who might be reading this).  Apparently, “murderer” and “mob connected” aren’t Mason’s only flaws.  He also has a fetish for twin prostitutes.  (Apparently, it’s a requirement on the Upper East Side for all real estate magnates to be psychotic manwhores.)

Why am I thinking these aren’t the type of twins he’s talking about? 

Though Diana initially seems willing to help Chuck catch Mason en flagrante with the Ladies of the Night, in order to help him achieve vengeance on his father’s behalf  (I don’t know . . . I still think “murdering dad,” is a lot higher on the “bad news” list than “embarrassing me with fake hookers.”  But, hey, what do I know!), she quickly changes her tune, when she learns that Nate and Lola ratted her Escort Service running self out to the New York Times.

Chuck is understandably furious.  So, he comes clean to the rest of the gang about the whole situation with his not-dead dad, so that they know exactly what they just cost him.  Then again, since Diana already gave Chuck all the information he needs for the Mason Nevens smackdown, it sort of doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.  Feeling more than a bit guilty for what just happened, NJBC . . . and Lola vow to help Chuck carry out his plan.

“Exxcceeellllent.” 

Elsewhere, Blair learns that Dan has somehow managed to get back on the Summer in Italy writers roster, and has scored Blair a spot as well.  Blair, honestly, doesn’t seem too enthused about spending another summer, in another European country, with another boring boy toy who isn’t Chuck (remember Louis-bot?).  And yet, possibly out of feelings of guilt, Blair agrees to the trip, as well the preliminary interview with the folks who are running the program, which is supposed to take place later that day.

Of course, minutes before the interview is supposed to take place, Blair gets a call from the NJBC informing her that her scheming services are needed for Chuck’s Mason Neven’s Takedown.  “Ummm . . . I’ll be right back.  I have to go get . . . macaroons gelato . . . or something,” Blair fibs, as she makes her hasty retreat to Chuck Town.  Yeahh  . . . that’s my girl, Queen B.  It’s good to see that you have your priorities back in order . . .

“Handcuffs . . .every good girl has them.”

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To be perfectly honest, Blair’s role in the scheme of coaching Lola, and her “twin” Ivy in the art of playing believeable prostitutes, was kind of superfluous.  She absolutely could have done it over the phone, and still made it back in time for Dan’s stupid interview.  And the fact that Blair sent Serena to do it in her place, just shows how much more important Chuck is to her than the Donut.  Because of that, I agree with her actions wholeheartedly . . .

Oh yeah, and her High Class Hooker 101 monologue was just jam-packed with awesomeness.  “You think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes,” Blair quips, when questioned about how exactly she knows all this stuff.

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(Are those crotchless panties? OMG!)

Speaking of Blair’s lingerie choices . . .

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(I see what you did there, writers.  You naughty little teases, you!)

Original Gangster Blair indeed . . .

Meanwhile, Nate’s and Lola’s New York Times tip, has Diana on the lam.  She’s planning to take Bart Bass out of the country, never to be seen again, ASAP.  This means Lola and Ivy better hurry up and be hookers fast (shouldn’t be that hard for Ivy)  . . .

. . . or Chuck will lose his father again . . . this time, possibly for good.

“You two make an . . . interesting . . . couple way more interesting than the REAL Dan and Blair.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Donut Dan is shocked, when a headband clad Serena introduces herself to the “Italy Trip Interviewer Guy” as Blair.  So, he makes this face . . .

What I adored about the scene was the way that Serena used the interview and her false identity as a way to subtly bash the Dair relationship.  “We couldn’t stand eachother for years. Now we’re madly in love.  It’s like a movie,” Serena quips.  “We’re like Brad and Angelina, once they got Jennifer Aniston out of the way.”

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Dopey Dan, of course, knows exactly what Serena is doing, and is clearly uncomfortable in the situation, which makes me very happy.

Not surprisingly, Faux-Blair and Donut ace their interview, since Serena and Dan have always been a much more believable couple than Dan and Blair ever were.  Things almost go south, when Interviewer guy runs into Blair’s mother, who unwittingly refers to Serena by her proper name. But, fortunately, Dorota takes the bullet.  “I’m Serena!  I’m doing fine Miss Waldorf,” she says quickly.

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How can you not love Dorota?

After the interview, Donut Dan wonders out loud why Blair keeps lying to him.  He suspects it’s because she doesn’t really love him, and doesn’t want to go to Europe with him.  (Gee, ya think?)  Despite still being madly in love with Dan, Serena quells his fears about his relationship with Blair, by telling him the truth about the whole Chuck Bass Thing.  Donut Dan seems relieved by the explanation.  Donut Dan is an idiot . . .

“Inappropriate Transient Women.”

Back at the Whore House Hotel, Lola and Ivy giddily practice striking “sexy poses” in overpriced lingerie . . . .

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 . . . while they wait to entrap the elusive Mason Nevens.  Then, Andrew Tyler randomly pops up, and tell them that Chuck wants them to follow him back to Bart’s hideout.  Oh, come on Andrew!  “Daddy said you should come with me?”  That’s the Oldest Trick in the Child Abduction Handbook.  Anyone over the age of five would know that . . .

But not Ivy and Lola, who seemingly fall for the trick, hook, line and sinker.  However, Lola is skeptical enough at least to tell Blair where she’s going.  She, in turn, tells Chuck, and the plan is back in motion .  . . except there’s now a new target, Andrew Tyler himself.

In a TOTAL, “Scooby Doo,” “those meddling kids moment,” Father and Son Bass corner Mr. Tyler, and he sings like a canary.  Apparently, HE was the one who sold out Bart to Mason, when the latter threatened the lawyer / PI’s family.  Of course, the police are conveniently right outside the door to hear Little Orphan Andy say all of this.  They arrest him right there on the spot.  Nice knowing you, Andrew Tyler.  Try not to drop the soap!

Alone at last, Bart boredly thanks his son for bringing . . . well . .  . not his actual not-killer . . .  but the henchman of his not-killer  .  . . to justice.

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Although honestly, the elder Bass doesn’t seem all that enthused about it.   Is this just a Botox thing, or is Bart still hiding something?

For his part, Chuck conversationally quips that the only thing he ever learned from his father was how to screw around with “inappropriate transient women.”  On behalf of Inappropriate Transient Women everywhere, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Bart Bass for that as well.

Oh, and Bart still has to break it to Lily that she now has two husbands.  This ought to be fun . . .

*DOH!* 

In other news, Nate decided to not sell out Diana for being a Whore Monger, after all . . . how nice for her.

“Dear Diary . . . I’m so f*&ked.”

Back at the Waldorf house,  S and B share a super sweet moment, where they congratulate eachother on yet another NJBC victory, and Blair thanks Serena for doing such a great job impersonating her . .  . even if she did volunteer to teach English in Italy on Blair’s behalf. (Oops!)

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The besties then declare their love for one another, and Serena encourages Blair to DUMP THE DONUT, SO SHE CAN DATE HIM tell the Donut how she really feels about him.

But Blair and “I love you,” kind of have a bit of a checkered history . . .

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. . . so it’s understandable that she is a bit gun shy about saying those words to anyone other than Chuck Bass again also, she’s not in love with Dan . . . like at all.

“I want the next time I say [I love you] to be the last,” Blair muses.

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Good for you, Blair! That’s one of the smartest things you’ve said all season . . . though that thing you said before about the handcuffs was pretty genius too . . .

So, of course, now that S’s and B’s relationship is awesome again, the real Gossip Girl has to go eff it up, right?

Yep,  it appears Chuck Bass wasn’t the only one with vengeance on his mind this week.  Gossip Girl, herself, is still mighty pissed at Serena for stealing her laptop, and her title.  So, Serena’s going to pay for that, big time . . . with her relationship to Blair.  Apparently, Blair keeps a not very-well-protected diary of her inner most thoughts.   (Really, Blair?  Have you learned nothing from Every Teen Show Ever?)

Now, Gossip Girl has Blair’s pages scanned on her computer.  And she’s ready to share them with the world, GG-style.  She’s also proud to share the source of this new information.  And the winner is . . . wait for it . .  . Serena van der Woodsen.

So, what does the first page of the diary reveal?  Why, Blair’s lukewarm feelings for Humpty Humphrey, of course.

Ruh-roh Upper East Siders, I smell a cat fight!

Next week on Gossip Girl, Serena gets drunk and jiggy on a bar with maybe Donut Dan . . . or dreams about getting giggy with him .  . . or gets jiggy with Donut Dan’s bad hair twin, and imagines it’s him.  Also, Blair still loves Chuck.

Duh!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“She Likes to Watch” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Raiders of the Lost Art”

[ The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset” recap is on its way, Fangbangers!  Check back here early Saturday morning, May 5th!]

Blair: (thinking to herself) “Chuck has such good hair!  I miss dating a guy with hair I can run my fingers through.  Last time I tried to do that with Dan, my hand got stuck.”

“O.G.B. – Original Gangster Blair.”  That was how Donut Dan referred to his soon-to-be -ex (Those two are SO dunzo.  I can’t wait!) girlfriend, upon hearing that, after weeks of residing in Castle Blahhh with him, our Queen B had finally decided to reunite with the rest of her old Non Judging Breakfast Club to hatch one of its infamous schemes.

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Cheesy and lame, though that nickname was (I mean, it came from Humpty Humphrey, after all) Donut Boy happened to have a point!

“Did TV Recappers Anonymous just give me a compliment?  Clearly, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.” 

Not only did Blair seem more like her old strong, spunky, smart, seductive, and scheming self, this week, than she had been in weeks, the rest of the Upper East Side cast seemed more like itself too.  In “Raiders of the Lost Art,” the characters seemed better defined, the dialogue sharper, the plot twists twistier, and the Chair chemistry more swoonworthy than GG fans had seen, since the beginning of the season.  In short, this wasn’t just “Original Gangster Blair.”  It was “Original Gangster Gossip Girl.”

So break out your trusty cipher slide (or cereal box decoder ring . . . whatever), slip into some nice lingerie, and head on over to the Secret Sex Club, where your not-so-much dead dad likes to hide, because it’s time for another GG-cap . . .

All Gossip and No Play Make Serena a Dull Girl . . .

“I know I’m supposed to be writing a Gossip Girl blast.  But I just can’t seem to stop watching that YouTube video about the honey badger.” 

Why am I suddenly starting to get the feeling that, when they finally do reveal the REAL Gossip Girl, she will end up being this socially awkward nerdette, who hasn’t left the house, since high school?  (Either that, or it will end up being Lola . . . same difference)  One thing the whole Gossip Girl swapfest that’s played out over the course of the season has showed us is what a demanding job being GG can be, and just how much it infringes on your social life.

We saw it first with Georgina.  Now we are seeing it with former It Girl Serena, who seems to have spending the entire last third of the season, holed up in her room behind a computer screen.  (She’s also oddly started speaking like an 85-year old woman with emphysema.  What’s up with that?)  Honey, when your best friend’s housekeeper starts making fun of you for not having a life, you have some serious problems on your hands.

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Dorota is judging you . . .

Serena seems to be in the need of a serious Gossip Girl Intervention.  And Newbie Interloper Lola (or Serena Lite, as Blair cleverly nicknamed her), and her current boy toy Nate (Lola knows Serena is Gossip Girl.  Nate just pretends to believe her, because the sex is really good.) are the perfect people to break her of her Nasty Little Blogging Habit.

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Speaking of Dirty Little Secrets, Nate is intent on finding out what Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Diana is hiding that prompted her to PRETEND to be his best friend’s bio mom.  (Because seriously, how sick is that?  It’s almost sicker than having sex with your real kid’s best friend, while he sleeps next door.  But not quite . . .)

Nate theorizes that once he finds out this secret, not only will he be able to offer Chuck the truth about his maternity (and paternity?), he will also be able to oust Diana from his Little Newspaper that Could . . . the Spectator.

This little theory prompts Nate to steal Diana Von Slutterstein’s day planner from her underwear drawer during one of the erstwhile couple’s heated impromptu sex sessions.  (Way to take one for the team, Nateypoo!)

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“This is SOOO hard.” 

The only problem, of course, is that Ms. Von Slutterstein apparently keeps entries on her day planner in code.  Well, THAT seems like a lot of unnecessary work.  Why not just have an ELECTRONIC DAYPLANNER with a PASSWORD like everyone else?  Hey Diana, 1985 called . . . it wants your coded dayplanner back.

Hoping that Serena’s newfound friendship with Diana McWhoreson gives her an inside advantage to tracking down the code for the dayplanner, Silly Lola puts all her cards on the table for her scheming half sister.  “We stole Diana’s [book],” Lola admits proudly.

“When even I think it’s a bad idea, something is REALLY wrong.”

Now, most of the time, Serena can be pretty darn dense.  But it seems as though her tenure as Gossip Girl has had the unintended affect of garnering her a few extra IQ points.  Rather than fall, hook, line, and sinker for Lola’s ploy, Serena gamely plays both sides against one another, by offering to help Lola find the decoder one minute, while revealing to Diana the NJBC’s plans against her in another . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

Oh, Serena . . .you might just be Lily’s daughter, and Cece’s granddaughter after all.  It appears the vastly over-priced Big Apple, doesn’t fall far from its well manicured tree . . .

Nate’s Brain and Dan’s Personality Hair: Two things the Wizard of Oz needs to fix

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair continues her losing battle to make Donut Dan look slightly less like a homeless hippie time-traveler from 1972, by getting him to shave and cut his hair.  (Seriously, at the rate it’s growing, Dan’s mop top is going to be down to his ass, by the middle of next season.)

 Apparently though, the Donut’s hair isn’t the only thing that hasn’t been working in this relationship.  It appears that ever since Blair and Dan started getting wasted together, just so that they could have barely passable sex, the latter’s writing has gone down the proverbial toilet.

Fortunately, Dan’s soon-to-be-future girlfriend Agent Alessandra has the perfect cure for this (please say it’s sex with a prostitute, please say it’s sex with a prostitute) : spend the summer in Italy with an elite and snooty group of writers, of course!  You know what?  I like this idea even better than the prostitutes.  Send Dan to Italy . . . better yet, Tokyo . . . better yet the North Pole!  He and Santa could exchange haircare tips!

A highly flattered Donut promises to consider the offer, which really means he has to ask his mommy girlfriend, if he’s allowed to go.

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Of course, Blair has more important things to be thinking about than the Donut’s future . . . like, for example, Chuck.  Good ole Bass . . . after lounging around Nate’s apartment in his silk floral robe all morning, trying in vain to decipher Diana Hoestein’s day planner with Nate, the Beautiful Mental Midget Ever, he turns immediately to the smartest and best code breaker he knows . . . Blair Waldorf.

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She can crack the code, all right . . .

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 . . . to get in YOUR PANTS!

Chuck and Blair – Back in that Limo Again

As we know from past episodes, Blair has been trying to keep her distance from Chuck lately, knowing that she’s no match for his charm and sex appeal, especially when she’s stuck eating stale Donuts for breakfast everyday.

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“Ribbit.” 

But after last week’s award ceremony debacle, Blair is determined to return to her old fun self, and getting into bed with Chuck . . . er . . . I mean helping him take down Diana, and find out the truth about his parents seems just the way to do it.

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“This is your lucky day,” Blair tells Chuck, as he looks at her with a mixture of amusement, and unabashed attraction.

When the pair entered the limo together . . . a perpetual reminder of their EPIC first rendezvous . . . I literally started dancing in front of my television screen.

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 Please allow me a few fangirl moments to express how great it was to see Chuck and Blair at their scheming best once again.   Having spent weeks apart,  the two quickly got back to their old tricks, as if they had never been separated.  I adored the lusty loving look Chuck gave Blair, when she changed into her tight blue Diana-look-alike dress, and started doing that dead-on impersonation of the busty Brit.

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“In this moment, I can’t tell you how glad I am that Diana is NOT my mother,” Chuck replied earnestly, as he retrieved his jaw from the floor.

Not long after, Chuck rewarded my Chair-loving heart again, by conveniently yelling out “Waldorf I LOVE we need you,” right when Blair was on the phone with the Donut, explaining the events of the upcoming day.

Sidenote: Did I mention that Blair was TOTALLY fine with Dan skipping the country without her for an entire summer?  You just KNOW if it was Chuck who was contemplating leaving the Upper East Side for months, Blair would have spent the entire episode gorging on macaroons, screaming at Dorota, and sobbing through old Audrey Hepburn movies.  Oh, Poor Little Donut Hole (Munchkin?)  You should be afraid for  the state of your relationship . . . very afraid, indeed.

But back to more important things, Chuck and Blair were on a roll, this week.  From their tagteam insults of Nate, his foggy memory, and his lame extra-curricular activities (Come on!  Who writes in their dayplanner, every single time they go to the gym!) . . .

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. . . to their use of combined super-sleuthing skills to finally crack the Day Planner code (Blair used her trusty cipher slide, while Chuck impressed all with his obscure knowledge of country codes) . . .

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“That depends.  Is it some kind of sex toy?” 

 . . . to the knowing looks they gave one another throughout the scheming session, it was hard to imagine a time when these two lovebirds WEREN’T absolutely perfect for one another.

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 Of course, the group did run into a little hiccup when Double Crosser Serena tried to run off with the Day Planner.  (She had planned to give it back to Diana, in exchange for the real Gossip Girl’s telephone number.)  But Blair quickly disposed of that problem too, by effortlessly guilting her friend into submission.  “Be with us, not against us,” Blair told her Bestie, Matter-of-Factly.

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Within mere moments, Serena was back in the fold.  And the NJBC was ready to put the next stage of their plan into action.

Cross the NJBC, and wind up with Dorota on your back . . . literally.

Good old Dorota.  I love it when the NJBC lets her play in their scheming games.  But sometimes I worry about her babies.  Does she have nannies for those things?  Because she never seems to take care of them AT ALL!   This week, Dorota MASSAGED the truth about her coded weekend dalliances out of Diana Whoreson, using a few clever bait-and-switch techniques she’s undoubtedly learned from watching Blair all these years.

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Moments later, the group finds themselves with an invitation to a mysterious party . . . one that’s about to offer them more answers than they had bargained for . . .

Blair and Chuck seek out exotic locations for their next sexual rendezvous, while Stalker Donut pouts in the distance

Though Donut Dan was still playing the role of the non-neurotic boyfriend to Blair’s face, behind her back he was stalking her’s and Chuck’s limo in his taxi.  Pathetic as his actions were, he had good reason to be concerned, Diana’s day planner had led the NJBC to that random Secret Sex Club, where Chuck got it on with some random maid, a couple seasons back.

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 Truthfully, as far as Secret Sex Club’s go, this one left much to be desired, filled as it was with lots of old creepy men in business suits, and bored looking 18-year olds, all dressed in the same white nightgown.  No wonder Serena was so bored.

“Blah.  Another sex club.  Been there, screwed that, have the HPV to prove it.” 

Chuck and Blair weren’t bored though, bouncing right back into their usual couples routine, in search of Jack Bass and Diana.  “You look like you need a friend,” one of the high class call girls cooed, leeching onto Chuck the minute he arrived at the party.

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“He already has a friend,” Blair said possessively putting her arm around Chuck.

For me, one of the absolute funniest moments of the episode, was when Chuck and Blair posed as an exhibitionist couple, in order to explore the entire mansion where the sex club was being held (which, of course, when you think about it, isn’t actually that ffar from the truth.)  “You look like the type who would love [a room] with a royal theme,” suggested the host.

“Been there, done that,” replied Blair, which got a smirk from Chuck.  “How about someplace hidden and dark.”

“Let’s look at every room,” ad-libbed Chuck.  “She likes to watch.”

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Shortly thereafter, Diana arrives at the party.  And this is when the plot really becomes ridiculous thickens.  Split up from Blair, Chuck encounters Jack, an asks him flat out, if he’s his father.

Never  . . . gets . . . old. 

The answer he receives is evasive and inconclusive.  Nate finds Diana in the creepy security room on the second floor of the mansion.  (So, her dirty little secret is that she runs a sex bar? LAME!)

Serena, having returned Diana’s book, after the NJBC successfully decoded it excitedly calls Gossip Girl’s number.  The phone rings INSIDE the sex club.

“Gossip Girl is a prostitute?” 

But then Diana, knowing that her jig is up, fakes a police raid.  And everyone empties the house, before Serena can get the answer she is seeking.

Blair however, finds Chuck’s answer in a seemingly abandoned room on the second floor.  And the look on her face when she finds it is truly heartbreaking  . . .

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” (surprisingly, not a cliche, in this context)

Throughout the episode, we’ve been reminded of how good Chuck and Blair can be together, when they are scheming and having fun.  Here, in this moment, we are reminded of how good together they can be when they are hurting and in need of support.  “What’s wrong?  You look like you just found out that Jack Bass was YOUR father,” Chuck gently teases, as a teary eyed Blair emerges from the sex club.

Chuck and Blair as relatives . . . How very Game of Thrones now THAT would be awkward.

He takes her wrist, gently, a gesture of calm, support and strength.  “After all we’ve been through, there are no secrets between us, nor should there be.  It’s just us here, you and me.  You can tell me anything,” Chuck tells Blair solemnly,  and we know he means it.

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Leighton Meester knocked this scene out of the park.  In hindsight, knowing what she saw in that room, you could imagine the emotionality of her reaction.  Blair, more than anyone else, knows the complexities of Chuck’s relationship with his father, and the way his death unraveled him completely, exposing to the world a vulnerable side to Chuck Bass that no one had ever seen before.

And yet, she decides not to come out and tell him what she saw, nor to accompany him back to the mansion, where he will find it.  I think Blair recognizes that no matter how difficult this will be for Chuck, he has to come to this discovery on his own.

And so Blair instructs Chuck to return to the mansion.  It is there that he finally sees his father . . . his true blood donor, and life saver / ruiner . . . not so much dead, after all.

Well, he looks well preserved for someone who’s been dead for three seasons. 

It’s a patently unbelieveable twist . . . though one that many of us saw coming a mile away, thanks to some not-so-carefully placed spoilers on entertainment news outlets, but no one can deny its potential entertainment value.  Undoubtedly, this bombshell is going to have a major impact on most of the members of the Upper East Side, most notably Chuck and Lily . . . who is technically still married to the zombie/vampire / old rich guy or whatever.

“My Botox injections prevent me from appearing more upset about the fact that I now have two husbands.  How very Big Love of me.”

Personally, though, I’m a bit disappointed that Bart Bass didn’t end actually BEING Diana Payne (post-op sex change).  After all, you would think that, for a well-reknown man, becoming a woman would make it a whole lot easier to fake your own death as a man, than spending the remainder of your undeath hiding out in skeevy Whore Houses . . . just saying . . .

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In other news Nate and Lola double-double crossed Serena, by stealing her laptop, and returning it to Gossip Girl, whoever she might be  . . . (seriously, I’m starting to think it’s Lola).  As for that infamous telephone number,  Serena fought so hard to get.  It was promptly disconnected after the faux raid on the whore house.

Poor Serena.  Now, it seems she’ll have to return to her pre-Gossip Girl hobbies to obtain spiritual and emotional fulfillment  .  . . drinking heavily, and having sex with random guest stars . . .

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Oh, and I almost forgot (mainly because I could care less), Donut Dan turned down the summer in Italy to be with Blair.  But he lied to her about it, and told her he lost the spot to another writer.  Then Dan tells Blair he loves her for the first time, and she replies, “I know you do!”

BURN!  These two are more burned out then Dan’s weave.  Nice knowing ya, Dair . . . well . . . not really.  But whatever!

Oh, how I loved this episode, let me count the ways.

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Why You Should Always Be Kind to the Elderly . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Princess Dowry”

It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .

Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows.  If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired.  Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.

The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.

Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late.  Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise.  That’s true.  🙂

However,  I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit.  I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now  (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”

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On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry”  though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it.  Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box.  That Grandma Cece!  She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Where there’s a will, there’s a wake . . .

We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director.  Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice.  So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.”  (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)

Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece.  As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings!  She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.

Talk about getting the last laugh!  Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show.  Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season.  I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle.  (Well, that was fast.  She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)

(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)

Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola.  This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed.  (I guess Chuck’s employed too.  But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money .  . . with Blair . . . naked.)

Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.”  He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had.  But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.”  In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls.  She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much.  Unfortunately . . .

“RING, RING, RING”

Lola: “Hello?”

Serena: “Hi, New Family Member.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Lola: “Nope.  Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”

Serena:  “It was bound to happen sometime!  Listen,  I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff.  That’s cool.  I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake.  P.S. I always lie.”

Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”

Serena: “Welcome to my world!”

Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso.  (Don’t they have servants for that?)

Because this isn’t homoerotic at all  . . .

He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding.  Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair.  So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.

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 Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right?  WRONG!  But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .

Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent.  Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?).  She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.

“Psst telemarketer.  I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house.   So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.” 

Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection.  It’s just another day in Humphreyland!  No big deal!  Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .

“I love wakes and funerals.  Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.” 

Hurricane Georgina rides again

Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition.  Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town.  After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late.  (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be.  Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience.  Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show.  Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.

Just some food for thought . . .

Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing.  And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0.  Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified.  When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.

Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls  . . .

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself.  Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season.  Now,  that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, so is this  . . .

Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .

Wakey, Wakey . . .

Now, I’m not Irish.  But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.

 “OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game.  Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“

It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch.  And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun.  Actually, that’s not true.  What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.

Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .

All hail, Chuck Bass.  He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love.  (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.)  Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.

You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts.  Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts.  Not Rufus 2.0 though.  Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl.  (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)

Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all .   . .  sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation.  She doesn’t believe what she’s reading.  Not Humpty Humphrey!  He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he?  (That would require him to have a personality.)

Ah, but he HAS done it.  And he’s willing to admit it too.  At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown.  Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.

SHE FORGAVE HIM?  JUST LIKE THAT???  REALLY?  Is there no justice in this world?

While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone.  Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?

A Tale of Two Charlies

Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene.  and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake.  (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!)  There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.

That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes.  We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .

What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena.  While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.

Take that 1%ers!

Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks.  Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building.  As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will.  Go figure.

“Hey Cece!  Good to see ya.  You’ve never looked better!”

For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates.  When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”

“I swear!  Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.” 

Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to .  . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance.  And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY.   Wow,  she must really hate her family, A LOT!

Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders.  After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .

Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did.  For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally.   For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.

Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .

I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan.  But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did.  I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more.   But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .

Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her.  Really?  Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena?  THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family?  I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still  . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.

My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it.  And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes.  But hey, what the heck do I know?

In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again.  That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER.  Predictable.  Shocking, I know . . .

“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?” 

“ME!  Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.” 

“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. .  .  the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time.  How’s that for pathetic?  But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment.  Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets.  However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .

Don’t do it, Blair .  . .

Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television:  “DON’T GO IN THERE!”  “LOCK THE DOOR!”  “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.”  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”

Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.”  Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom.  I knew it was coming.  And I dreaded it like the plague.  But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . .  It was quite frustrating, really.

Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video.  Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding.  As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .

“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.”  (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)

 . . .  making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.

Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison.  Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment,  Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.

“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.” 

Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .

Rhymes with Ditch . . .

Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup.  And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”

“AHHHH!  He’s suffocating me!  Make it stop!”

OK, so let me get this straight.  Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to  Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan?  I don’t buy it.  After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?

Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan.  At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place.  (SURPRISE!)  Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe.  So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself.  It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!

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And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING?  Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately?  The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down.  But this one just pouts and walks away.  Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .

Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season.  Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals.  But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own.  No me gusta.

Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping.  “It’s different this time.  She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century!  Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf.  However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information.  It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.

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The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .

In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time.  Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?

Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again?  Gahhhh . . .  is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?

Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex.  Hooray!

“Please don’t make me kiss him again.  Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”

Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.

Yes, Donut Dan.  She knows your name.  Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is  . . .

And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell.  When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack  . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . .  After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his.  How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.

Slug or Stud?  You decide . . .

 That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do).  You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .

Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“B” My Valentine – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Crazy, Cupid, Love”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!

That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit.  So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?

Well, hello there 2007.  We’ve missed you!

One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history.  GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .

Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days.  Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it.  And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.

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This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .

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As for Donut Dan?  Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007.  Does that count?  (Speaking of the Donut,  did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?”  Well said, Georgina!)

Puffs Plus!

The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.

“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses.  (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)

Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .

. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . .  . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it.  Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair.  He wants to give her DVDs to watch.

Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch.  Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower.  Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already.  And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .

Don’t let it go to your head . . .

Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever.  He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever.  (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.)  “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.

Ahhh, Chuck Bass . . . ever the eternal optimist . . . .

When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her.  She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride.  Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl.  Hugging commences.

Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans.  Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog.  (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth.  How fitting!)  Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her.  Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .

This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .

She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day!  But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it.  (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it.  But you catch my drift.)

After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer.  Ummmm .  . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you?  It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.

Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper.  Oooooh, BURN!

But, worry not!  Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse.  As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school.  This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal.  It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!

A Date with Donut-y Destiny!

Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg .  . . thing).

Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts.   “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully.  (Ah, memories!)

This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina  to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup.  Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news.  “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.

(OK, he’s cute and all.  But where the heck did this guy come from?  And doesn’t he have a job?  What exactly do these two do for money?  The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)

Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today.  I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet.  Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.

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But not-so-much after that . . .

Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?),  Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater.  (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.)  Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way.  . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.

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Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another.  Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.

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I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .

Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else.  But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.

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Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware.  And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.”   If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry  is a BAD IDEA!  But Serena isn’t  quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.

Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.”  “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.

Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!

And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .

Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she?  So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.

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And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself.  (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!)  By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there.  Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion.  After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!

My Bloody Valentine  . . .

While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1.  (Still fits!)  As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit.  Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels.  (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)

As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass.   *sigh*  Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck.  Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.

But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .

Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him.  Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary.  Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there.  (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!)  Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers.  So, you never know . . .

“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit .  . .” 

What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes.  AWKWARD!  It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.”  Poor Lola.  She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.

“I swear I showered today!” 

And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball.  This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”

Ruh-roh!  Someone’s just been busted.  Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .

“I’m so much better at being me, than you are.  So, suck it, b*tch!”

Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .

Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school.  She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice.  So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .

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Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress.  He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.

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“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”

Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering.  So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year.  In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.

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Do I have to answer that?

Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B.  Well, that’s gotta be confusing?  Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests?  Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him.  More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.

While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl.  It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .

GG: Kiss her.

Donut: NO!

GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.

Donut: What’s in it for me?

GG: Do I really have to explain it to you?

And so on, and so forth . . .

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But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room.  (Seriously, Georgina?  Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate?  What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)

SERIOUSLY!

I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room.  Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl?  Or Monkey?

Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback?  Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place.  “You’re Gossip Girl?  He asks, incredulously.

Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself.  First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.”  Talk about an identity crisis!

Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos.  Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”

Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?”  Really, Blair . . . really?  Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena?  This goes beyond simply cock blocking.  This is cock-TYING.  And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .

“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut.  “Tell me what would make you happy.”

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“Why your tongue down my throat!  That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.

Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .

The kiss .  . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy!  That was an offer for existential conversation,  not a tongue bath.

 

You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over.  It’s quite amusing.  I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible.  Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.

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Compare and contrast 😉 

But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.

Ahem!

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Double ahem . . .

I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.

This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot.  And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?

It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .

Yet we don’t always think before we tongue .  And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut.  It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss.  Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss.  Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.

Whatever the reason, it happened.  And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .

Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it.  In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement.  Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut.  But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D.  And, honestly, who can blame her?

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“He was just practicing on me, so he’d be better for you!”

But Georgina isn’t done.  She brings the picture immediately to Chuck Bass . . .

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 . . .  who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon.  Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.

“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.” 

But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!

Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot?  Hey, maybe she’s a robot too!  It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .

In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business.  (Well, duh!)  She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen.  (Double duh!)

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Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from.  (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .).  In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her.  Oh, the plot thickens . . .

Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Where’s Waldorf? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Back-up Dan”

“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box.  I’m a princess, now.  I can do whatever the f*&k I want!” 

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot  .  . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .

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(Guess which half I care about?)

I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .

When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.

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“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”

Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!  Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.

“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”

“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”

“Really?  WHY???‘

“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses.  (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)

BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”

DONUT: “I tried a few times.  The hairbrushes never made it out alive.  I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.” 

Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut.  “Donut!”  She says.  “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”

“Go forth, my minion.  And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met .  . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.” 

Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car.  But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).

“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her.  Dammit weiner!  This is all your fault.” 

Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed.  (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.)  First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”

 Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess.  But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item.  “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.

And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . . 

Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .

Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop.  I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.

Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!

“Oh the humanity!”  

Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb.  However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.

Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .

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Ah!  But here’s the problem.  In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!

No worries!  Blair Waldorf is a Princess!  And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports!  Oh wait . . . they aren’t?  Well, it sure was a nice try!  The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem.  Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess.  “Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .

“Could you say that again, a bit slower?  I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.” 

The Princess, of course, is furious about this.  She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face.  How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less.  Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!

Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .

The Case of the Missing Princess

Amazing, isn’t it?  How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S?  Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background.  (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)

When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot?  You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .

Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . .  .

“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .” 

Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.

Is it a far-fetched idea?  Absolutely.  But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?

Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment.  Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .

Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a.  the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only  caterer girl in the Upper East Side.  Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .

“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .” 

Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily.  And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity  . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .

“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”

Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!

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Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions.  “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet.  Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.”  (Solid advice).

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“What have you done with Blair?”  Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .

“I will cut you, Georgina.  (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)” 

“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?”  Georgina asks nefariously.

She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.

Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago.  Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly.  He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . .  one by one.”

“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.

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Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Silly Serena!  Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?

Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . .  But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .

As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?

In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .

Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality.  Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.

“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.” 

There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .

“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”

“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may  have left.)

Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!” 

She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son.  Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats.  According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .

Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . . 

Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of?  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .

Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota,  and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . .  I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.

“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!” 

And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?

Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)

Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .

At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . . 

Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year  won’t be discovered.  Off they go!

Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars .  . . this week.

Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER!  Beer?  Nate thinks to himself.  Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.

“You drink it out of a CAN?!  Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”

While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call.  “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!”  Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece!  Gotta run!  Toodles!”

Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .

He asks Lola who was on the phone.  And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.

“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .

“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?” 

And that would be the end of this boring happy couple.  But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house.  Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail.  Lily, of course,  picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate.  So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker.  Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.

You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . .  just sayin. 

A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid.  What a great mother she is!

In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.”  And, really, you can’t blame the guy.  I mean his cousin DID try to kill him.  That’s going to give anyone trust issues!

“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!” 

But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these  . . .

“I’m interested in hearing about your world.  I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”

Oooh!  Rejected!  But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena!  I hear she’s an easy lay!

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What have I done to deserve Donut?

Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE.  In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever.  “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.

This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing.  You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair?  The book she NEVER actually read?  Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door .  . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”

It’s THESE GUYS!

Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot.  “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says,  crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations.  (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)

“I know, right?”  Blair replies.

Surprise!  Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she?  After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl.  Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.

Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love.  (HOORAY!)  She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena.  You have to admit, girlfriend has a point.  That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!

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Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic.  Now, THAT’S more like it.  But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!

“They will never find me here.” 

“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)

Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!

“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”

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It’s time for our weekly Chair scene.  No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless.  Chuck promises to protect Blair .  . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her.  He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding.  And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!

But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him.  She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them.  She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.

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“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.

But Blair has more apologizing to do.  So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction.  She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows.  It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.”  They hug.  Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on  . . .   How generous and donuty of him!

AMIGO SUPREMO! 

She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.

Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS!  She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans.  (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.)  Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.

It’s martyric .  . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER.  Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?

But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding.  And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall.  Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants.  Please tell me they have those in Monaco.  Now, that’s something I’d really like to see.  Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it .  . .

Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?

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I think most of us probably figured that out already.  But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for  a little while longer.   And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]