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Where’s Waldorf? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Back-up Dan”

“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box.  I’m a princess, now.  I can do whatever the f*&k I want!” 

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot  .  . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .

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(Guess which half I care about?)

I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .

When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.

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“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”

Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!  Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.

“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”

“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”

“Really?  WHY???

“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses.  (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)

BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”

DONUT: “I tried a few times.  The hairbrushes never made it out alive.  I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.” 

Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut.  “Donut!”  She says.  “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”

“Go forth, my minion.  And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met .  . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.” 

Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car.  But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).

“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her.  Dammit weiner!  This is all your fault.” 

Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed.  (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.)  First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”

 Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess.  But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item.  “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.

And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . . 

Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .

Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop.  I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.

Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!

“Oh the humanity!”  

Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb.  However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.

Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .

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Ah!  But here’s the problem.  In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!

No worries!  Blair Waldorf is a Princess!  And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports!  Oh wait . . . they aren’t?  Well, it sure was a nice try!  The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem.  Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess.  “Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .

“Could you say that again, a bit slower?  I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.” 

The Princess, of course, is furious about this.  She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face.  How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less.  Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!

Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .

The Case of the Missing Princess

Amazing, isn’t it?  How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S?  Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background.  (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)

When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot?  You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .

Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . .  .

“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .” 

Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.

Is it a far-fetched idea?  Absolutely.  But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?

Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment.  Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .

Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a.  the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only  caterer girl in the Upper East Side.  Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .

“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .” 

Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily.  And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity  . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .

Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”

Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!

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Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions.  “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet.  Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.”  (Solid advice).

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“What have you done with Blair?”  Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .

“I will cut you, Georgina.  (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)” 

“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?”  Georgina asks nefariously.

She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.

Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago.  Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly.  He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . .  one by one.”

“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.

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Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Silly Serena!  Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?

Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . .  But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .

As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?

In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .

Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality.  Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.

“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.” 

There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .

“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”

“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may  have left.)

Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!” 

She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son.  Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats.  According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .

Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . . 

Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of?  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .

Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota,  and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . .  I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.

“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!” 

And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?

Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)

Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .

At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . . 

Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year  won’t be discovered.  Off they go!

Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars .  . . this week.

Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER!  Beer?  Nate thinks to himself.  Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.

“You drink it out of a CAN?!  Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”

While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call.  “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!”  Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece!  Gotta run!  Toodles!”

Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .

He asks Lola who was on the phone.  And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.

“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .

“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?” 

And that would be the end of this boring happy couple.  But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house.  Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail.  Lily, of course,  picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate.  So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker.  Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.

You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . .  just sayin. 

A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid.  What a great mother she is!

In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.”  And, really, you can’t blame the guy.  I mean his cousin DID try to kill him.  That’s going to give anyone trust issues!

“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!” 

But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these  . . .

“I’m interested in hearing about your world.  I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”

Oooh!  Rejected!  But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena!  I hear she’s an easy lay!

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What have I done to deserve Donut?

Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE.  In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever.  “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.

This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing.  You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair?  The book she NEVER actually read?  Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door .  . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”

It’s THESE GUYS!

Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot.  “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says,  crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations.  (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)

“I know, right?”  Blair replies.

Surprise!  Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she?  After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl.  Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.

Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love.  (HOORAY!)  She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena.  You have to admit, girlfriend has a point.  That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!

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Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic.  Now, THAT’S more like it.  But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!

“They will never find me here.” 

“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)

Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!

“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”

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It’s time for our weekly Chair scene.  No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless.  Chuck promises to protect Blair .  . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her.  He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding.  And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!

But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him.  She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them.  She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.

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“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.

But Blair has more apologizing to do.  So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction.  She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows.  It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.”  They hug.  Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on  . . .   How generous and donuty of him!

AMIGO SUPREMO! 

She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.

Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS!  She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans.  (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.)  Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.

It’s martyric .  . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER.  Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?

But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding.  And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall.  Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants.  Please tell me they have those in Monaco.  Now, that’s something I’d really like to see.  Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it .  . .

Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?

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I think most of us probably figured that out already.  But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for  a little while longer.   And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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STOP . . . THAT . . . WEDDING – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s 100th Episode, “G.G.”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding.  During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.

Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding.  Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding.  Tell them what they will win, Bob!

It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!

Haha! Just kidding!  Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course .  . . Blair Waldorf.  But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug.  OK?

So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!

Except that it actually did . . . 😦 

Getting Wiggy with It!

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It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen.  When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG!  In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor.  Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.

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(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn.  But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her.  Go figure!)

Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again .  . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck.  Under the circumstances, can we  really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?

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Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable.  And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed.  So, that’s good, right?  However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings.  And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .

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Don’t despair, Serena.   You will get another chance to play, later on in the episode!

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Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota.  Could she be our second contestant, folks?

Nope!  Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day.  Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as  . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself.  Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!

Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty).  Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride.  Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck.  Why on Earth would she run away with me?  such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own.  From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .

Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .

Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding.  This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game.  Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed.  Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.

Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree?  Sesame Street?

Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony.  Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.

OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest?  Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s  . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?

This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean.  So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course.  (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)

But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue!  You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico.  And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE!  Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!

Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game.  Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest.  You won’t be going home, empty handed, however.  As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . .  And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .

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Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life.  So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair.  Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father.  In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .

“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.

WOAH!  Talk about taking one for the Team . . .

(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff.  But the jury’s still out for me.  I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)

“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”

Speaking of the android groom . . .

Lucky Louis-bot

“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)

Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”

Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver.  (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!)  Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair.  Well, that’s aspirational!

Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair.  But I digress.  Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing.  Will SHE be a contestant in our game?  It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .

Apparently, not.  You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union.  And why not?  That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity!  She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.

Wow, step aside Bad!Priest.  Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .

“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot.  (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)

And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .

Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”

Congratulations, Serena!  You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .

But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.

(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous.  Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it.  Just sayin . . .)

Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE.  Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”

Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .

In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .

It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the  actual plot of this episode.  Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.

“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”

Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name.  But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally.  Here are some other things that Nate often forgets:  (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .

Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap.  It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .

Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast.  So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair.  But now he’s been single for an entire episode.  So, clearly his life must be over.

NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”

DAN: *whistles uncomfortably* 

“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest star   woman old enough to be my mother   supervillain girl.”

Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that.  But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself.  So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now.  Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass.  (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)

“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .” 

Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding.  STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING!  STOP THE WEDDING!  Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring.  What a fun scene THAT would be!)

Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .

In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .

As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him.  (Ahh . . . honesty.  Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)

A time of self-reflection? 

But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress.  Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.

Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off.  Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .” 

Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.

“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.

The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . .  Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp.  “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy.  When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten.  Than, I realized what it was  . . . you . . .”

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That’s right, Upper East Siders.  It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray.  Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding?  Only time will tell . . .

A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing

At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.

Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress.  She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.

“Come and get me, Bot Boy!” 

So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation?  Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal?  Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress.  Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .

But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight.  She still has one more ace up her sleeve.  And she’s not afraid to use it . . .

“Don’t marry him.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.

(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)

All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so.  We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here.  He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing.  But he is also gentle, and earnest.  Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.

He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy.  He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.

And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return.  “Of course, I love you, Chuck.  I have always loved you.  I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”

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Sounds great right?  So, what’s the problem?  The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it.  “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you.  You should find someone who loves you too.”

Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room.  But he doesn’t.   Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have.  She’s standing right in front of me.”

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And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition.  But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end.  Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?

You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .

Georgina and Serena each up their game .  . .

After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap.  That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched).  But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary.  Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck.  It’s a win-win move.  Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize.  (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he?  Well . . . actually he can .  . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)

Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.

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Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging.  (More on that, in a bit . . .)

But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit!  She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her.  You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .

Poor taste? 

But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .

Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot?  Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.

“Please, save the applause until after the show.” 

But will he?

iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .

Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far.  And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)

Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on.  Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.

Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .

“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation?  STOP THIS THING, LOVER!” 

Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing.  (You know I love you, Chuck.  But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)

I hope we can still be friends . . . 

Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.”  Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations.  It’s Gossip Girl.  She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.

Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding? 

Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.

“You’re FREEEEEE!  Run for your life!” 

Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep.  But the rest of the congregation is shocked.  Ladies and gentlemen, I  think we have  a winner.  Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?

It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH! 

Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding.  (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)

Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit.  Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent.  After all, he’s not the kind to write stories.  He has stories written about him.  Remember?

Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary.  She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing.  “You were dead,” she says.  “I saved your life.”

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Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts.  But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst.  What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding.  And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”

In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season  . . .

Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss.  Next stop, reception!

Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward.  Nate waddles off to hit on Lola.  And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school.  Now that’s romantic!   Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .

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  . . . and he responds by making this face  . . .

“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .

Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey.  But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).

“Do I smell fish?  Ick, Robot Breath . . .” 

“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect.  When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh.  My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg.  Now I know she ees righth.”  (Translation:  Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers.  My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage.  Now, I know she is right.)

And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face.  Classic.  Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true.  Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear.  Ouch!

Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself.  Absolutely!  But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot.  She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side.  So, it’s kind of win-win, right?

NOOOO.  Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders.  She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.”  And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper.  So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.

Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)

. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding.  Did Blair call him?

We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut.  *sigh*

Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo.  If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television.  And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.

Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!

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I definitely wasn’t expecting that!  Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least.  And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause.  For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.

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Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead?  Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter.  She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”

As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl.  I don’t know.  I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .

But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think, Upper East Siders?  Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you?  Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce?  As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .

XOXO!

[http://www.juliekushner.com/ingeneious.html!]

[Fangirls Forever – now with Funny Valentine’s day tees!]

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The Devil Went Down to Panchitos . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Father and the Bride”

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The Devil went down to Panchitos

He was looking for a beverage to spike.

He was in a bind, because Blair’s so refined.

But her nuptials, he did not like . . .

So, when Blair emerged for some fresh air, he gently whispered in her ear.

“That cop’s really a stripper, so give him your reefer, and, maybe offer him your brassiere.” 

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.

I must admit, I’m a bit worried.  These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse.  What’s next?  Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?

Uh oh!  I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye!  But, before I do that, let’s review.  Shall we?

Unholy Alliances . . .

When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears.  (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.)  Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead.  And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.

Example 1

Example 2

As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.

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“Peekaboo!  (I see YOU!)” 

His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode.  I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .

Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . . 

Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  To this, Chuck responds, “Meh!  Do it.   She’s got a sexy voice.  And knowing your track record,  she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go.  Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”

Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.

Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .

“Kiss me, you Donut!” 

So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating?  Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning.  That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple.  But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .

Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type.  So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style or lack thereof.

Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time.  She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.”  She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him.  Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”

“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?” 

But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless.  And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .

At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.

“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings?  Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”

Blair used to rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath.  But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely.  So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )!  And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an  opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.

Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .

Beatrice-bot really plays up her other species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery  Extravaganza.  (Why?  What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials?  Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)

“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.” 

Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor.  And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”

Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable.  When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?”  How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks,  while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.

But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .

Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)

In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck.  (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair.  And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss.  The GG writers are such shameless teases!  Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.”  But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .

Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor.  So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball.  No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time.  My theory?  Slimeball Priest ate him . . .

“Tastes just like Heaven . . .” 

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .

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Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend?  Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .

We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day.  But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky.  He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco.  What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time?  Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .

Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .

Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil? 

Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this.  Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .

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See, Blair?  Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy.  You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him  . . .  (You know you want to .  . .)

In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate.  I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .

Oh, that’s cold!  Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters.  That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!

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On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .

(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl?  Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)

When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.”  Nate, I’m sorry.  I like you, and all.  But you wouldn’t know  a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .

Shameless of me . . . I know.

Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning.  Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling.  I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel.  Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .

“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .” 

In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena.  Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?

“When did I become such a stud?”

Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth,  enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth.  And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .

“Heyyyyyy . .  . Serena.  So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship .  . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?” 

“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . .  even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”

“Yeah that’s the one.  Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that.  It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all.  It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent.  And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer.  It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer.  Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.” 

“Sure, honey.  No problem.  I’ll take that column down, right away.  Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now.  Toodles!”

(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)

Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .

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“Mmmm . . . these chuck .  . . er . . . I mean . . . macaroons are delicious.” 

So, of course, it’s fitting that the inspiration for Blair’s macaroon craving arrives, just moments later . . .

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As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it.  I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here.  By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute (basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him).  And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .

“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”

If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit.  They’re very comfy, you know . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is.  So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . .  (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)

“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means.  Darn Gossip Girl!  Always so cryptic!” 

As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published.  We’ve seen this now three times, already.   The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now.  I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).

In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck.  Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . . 

Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.”  So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.

“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George.  And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”

“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .” 

Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena.  You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.

You know what that means?  Darena fanfiction.  So suck it, Alessandra . . .

“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version?  I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .” 

Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”

Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him.  Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too).  But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl.  I smell a SCHEME!

I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!

Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset.  So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what.   But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.

Even the actors look bored by this scene . . . 

Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp?  Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster?  It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .

Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped. 

Let’s put aside for a second the fact that  we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t.  He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.”  What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks.  The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?

I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.).  But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby.  Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?

Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .

“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .” 

Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess?  Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party.  It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week.  And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER.  In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .

Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . . 

Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .

Of course, he’d have a lot more credibility saying this, if he WASN’T, going against his vows, by hooking up with Beatrice-bot  . . .

Getting Jiggy with Queen B . . .

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In what was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode, Blair attends her bachelorette party at Panchitos, and proceeds to get rip-roaring wasted, thanks to a cleverly fixed drinking game, courtesy of Beatrice Bot.

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The game involved naughty acts of Blair’s exes.  And the only one I distinctly remember was something about Carter Baizzen wearing women’s underwear . . . Still, it was pretty awesome.

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You know who else is awesome?  Drunk Blair!  I don’t think I’ve seen her have this much fun, since she stripped for Chuck, and made sweet, sweet love to him for the very first time, in the limo, back in season 1 . . .

Sober Blair is prim, proper, and often calculating.  Drunk Blair is bubbly, happy, carefree, and VERY friendly . . . she’s also a surprisingly good dancer . . .

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You could tell Leighton Meester had a lot of fun exercising her comedy muscle, and displaying this rarely seen side of Blair.  Part of me wishes Chuck was inside to see it to.  Something tells me he would have enjoyed it . . . a lot . . .

“Papa LIKE!” 

You know who else would have enjoyed Drunk Blair?  Serena . . . if she actually SHOWED UP!  FRIEND FAIL!

Sure, ditch me for Grandpa Archibald, and the psycho serial killer Congressman.  See, if I care?

Had Serena been at the party, she might have prevented Blair from making this drunken confession to Beatrice-bot . . .

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Interestingly enough, I think it was Blair’s confession of her star-crossed love for Chuck to Beatrice-bot that actually convinced her NOT to try and sabotage her wedding (BOO).  After all, as Blair so astutely reminded Beatrice-bot, these two actually have a lot in common: forbidden loves, daddy issues, scheming psyches . . . a love of macaroons.  Best friendships have been built on way less . . .

Speaking of lovers and friends, when Blair finally leaves the bar, her lover (Chuck) and her friend (Dan) are waiting for her.  But she doesn’t notice either of them, because she’s too busy getting arrested for handling a joint, someone just happened to toss her way, and fondling a police officer (appropriately named “Weiner”), who just happened to try and take it from her.  Oops!

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Anti-Blouis fans (including Chuck, Dan, Beatrice-bot, Slimeball priest, and 99.99% of the world couldn’t have planned it better) if they tried!   After all, what Prince would marry a “drug addict?”

“Robots don’t do drugs.  It causes them to prematurely rust.”

Surprisingly enough, given all that, Blair seemed to have luck (and friends) on her side.  Moments after she landed in jail, Serena finally dragged her ass away from Golden Girls reruns to bail her out.   And Blair was too drunk to even be pissed off about it . . .

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Even more surprising was the fact that Beatrice-bot actually purchased all the cameras off bar patrons who photographed Blair, so that news of her cop humping, and ganja smoking antics wouldn’t get out?  Well, except for the fact that her cop humping and ganja smoking antics were probably uploaded to YouTube and Facebook by at least ten people about five seconds after it happened . . .

And Blair lived happily ever after . . . well . . . except for a massive hangover .  . .

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 .  . . and the fact that she’s still marrying a lame ass cyborg . . .

“Please, S.  Make this nightmare end . . . I was having such good sex dreams about Chuck.  And then you had to go and wake me up to my REAL life.” 

Becoming the villain . . .

Speaking of Chuck, he came to visit Blair at her home the night of the Bachelorette Party.  But she was too wasted and busy having sex dreams about him to come to the door . . . He did vow to keep fighting for her, though . . .

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 . . . even if that means forming a VERY unholy alliance with the same Slimeball Priest, who, apparently, got his supposed lover Beatrice-bot shipped off to a missionary in Africa, when he heard she wasn’t going to scheme with him against Blair anymore . . .  (Nice guy, right?)  Does it make me a terrible person, that, as awful as Slimeball Priest is, I STILL hope he will succeed in helping Chuck stop this travesty of a wedding?

Oh well . . . You can’t be good all the time, right?

Speaking of no good, even though Blair explicitly told Serena that she didn’t have to pretend to date Dan, anymore, Serena lied to Dan, and said that they DID, just to give her a better chance at getting in his pants.  It’s kind of pathetic, I’m not going to lie . . .

I’m starting to think that this guy has hypnotic powers.  He probably hides them in his hair . . . 

Why is Blair suddenly OK with Serena not fake dating, Dan, you ask?  (Because that whole Serena fake dating Dan thing was a stupid idea to begin with).  Because she and Louis-bot are in a “good place.”  And why are they in a “good place.”  Because Louis-bot apparently wrote Blair some REALLY good vows.

 

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Oh, I’m sorry . . . did I say Louis-bot wrote some really great vows? I meant DAN wrote them . . .

(It’s important to note that Louis-bot chose to insert his little thank you note in a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger,” a book about a guy who lacks emotion and a personality, so he kills someone, more or less, in an effort to FEEL something. Hmmm . . . no emotions . . . no personality . .. Sound like anyone we know?)

Next week’s 100th episode of Gossip Girl, entitled GG promises a wedding . . . maybe . . .

. . . a Chuck Bass intervention . . .

. . . and, of course, the return of the deliciously evil, Georgina Sparks . . .

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You can check out the promo for the episode here:

Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushnner.com][FangirlsForever]

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In which Blair found Religion, and I found Confusion – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The End of the Affair?”

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Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week.  Go back to Chuck, honey.  You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma.  A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding.  And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.

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Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .

I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . . 

Have you ever watched a television show  that made you feel like you’ve just been punked?  Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding!  That was the fake episode!  Now, you can watch the real one . . .”

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Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”

Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes.  . . 

“Let Him Live . . .”

My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot.  By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later.  (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)

DAN:  “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie?  I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm  .  . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . .  While you were Sleeping?  Aw crap!  Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”

I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast.  I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud.  Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers!  But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst!  I wanna see some tears!  I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud!  I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live!  I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!

 .  . . Emmy Hopeful.

But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .

So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told.  Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it.  I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode.  Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys.  They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened.  Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.

Then, it happens.  Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him.    The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear.  Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair.  But then he falls unconscious.  His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney.  Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed.  We all feel her pain.

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It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been .  . .

We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed.  Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party.  Serena is tentative and nervous.  She has bad but not particularly surprising news.  Blair lost the baby.

Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb.  Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat.  Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense.  After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair.  And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.

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And.  . . then the two pretty much never mention it again  . . .

“Huh?” 

Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby.  Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK  . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl.  But this is a HUGE deal!  I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.

On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child.  She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby.  She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck.  This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.

But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby.  For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else.  Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college.  She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted.  So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.

It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate.  Just sayin  . . .

But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news.  She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation?  “He’s lost a lot of blood.  It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.

Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)

Talk about guilt and sadness!  Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need.  It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation.  We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .

But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . . and by weird, I mean LAME.

Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really?  That’s the sacrifice she chose?  She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?).  Lo and behold!  At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.

HE’S ALIVVVVVVEEEEE!

And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper.  Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing.  But NOOOO!  Chuck had to take a nap!  So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”

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And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . .  . he doesn’t snore.  But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!

*groan*

When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder.  After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together?  So, what gives?  Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!

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Dan and Blair Sitting in a Tree, P-R-A-Y-I-N-G

We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love.  Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot.  I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet?  I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!

WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . . 

(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does.  But what if Louis-bot dies because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree?  What does that say about Blair’s little theory?  Will that be her fault, as well?)

Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off.  (Golly gee?  I wonder why?)  Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles.  Isn’t that sweet?  NO, DAMMIT!  Let the bastard rust!  He’s ruining the show!

At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan.  (Really?  Again?  Didn’t we do this storyline, already?)  There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out.  (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)

“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?” 

After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness .  . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode.  Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode  . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .

“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.” 

Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately.  Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair.  The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly.  But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”

Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .

The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen.  She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.

“Hey Chuck!  No peeking, before the wedding!  It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).” 

Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress.  Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you.  You alter yourself to fit Vera.”

Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently.  Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute.  She’s such a trooper, that Vera!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT! 

This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair.  (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books?  Weird . ..)   You know who else is skulking around?  Chuck.  He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face.  You know The Face I’m talking about . . .

Yep.  That’s the one . . .

Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!

Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.

As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!).  It’s actually .  . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH .  . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key.  Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun!  *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*

Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER.  But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.

(Will this madness never end?)

Convenient, right?  Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man.  Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .

There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .

Way to bury the lead, writers!  Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see:  Gossip Girl was FIRED!  Seriously!  They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!

Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  Harsh!  So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?

Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .

“O . . . M . . . G!”

That’s right boys and girls.  Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog.  (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself.  Thank you for noticing . . .)

Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen?  Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning.  Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .

Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone?  Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown.  All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.

But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?

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New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL!  (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.)  But Serena’s not so sure she should do that.  After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place.  Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?

(And besides,  she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)

So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask?  Not much.  Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together.  What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.

*insert robot laugh here* 

Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan.  So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing.  Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us.  “That was not a miracle.  That was modern medicine!”  Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond.  “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.

“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.” 

But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced.  And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret.  Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .

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Wait . . . what?  I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing?   Do they need a chaperone, or something?  Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of  steaming horse poopy?  Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!

“I am?  Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!” 

Oh, Serena, honey!  If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)

In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .

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. . .  while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party.  (Stupid Nate!  You are so dog-ist!)

Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all?  Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?

“Integrity RULES!  Let’s go get wasted . . .” 

Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .

Strange Bedfellows . . .

Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.”  So, Nate does a little investigating.  He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures.  All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .

Ruh-roh!

Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel?  It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!).  And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back.  Sounds like a good deal right?

(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom?  Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)

In other sort of gossip-related news . . .

Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?

It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points.  The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes.  Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled.  However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.

“Who the f*&k are you?” 

Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie.  But, here’s the kicker.  Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID.  So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl?  For shame!

“That Charlie .  . . what a loser!” 

But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene.  And we got one . . .

“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass.  Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life.  What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.

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It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM.  But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.

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You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point.  When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey.  And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.

But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair.  He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real.  And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.

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 And why would he, hen the chemistry between Chuck and Blair is just as scorching as ever, even during a moment as turbulent (and frustrating) as this one . . .

And yet, the clincher of this scene is when Blair repeats to Chuck those very same words we heard her say to him in the hospital . . . words that he is only now allowing himself to remember: “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

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You know that saying, “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s meant to be yours?”  DON’T FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, CHUCK!  You chase after that girl, and don’t stop until she’s back in your arms.  It’s what Jesus would do . . .  (Yeah, I went there.)

Speaking of which, you know how Blair explained away her odd behavior to Louis-bot at the end of the episode?  She claimed it was because she was converting to Catholicism?  Yeah . . . I have nothing to say about that . . . at all . . .

But hey, next week’s episode looks promising (at least according to our friends from Canada) . . .  Check it out . . .

As for the United States, their promo chooses to focus more on Blair getting wasted, and arrested.  (Silly Americans, and their boozy ways! :))

Cheers!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Timing has never been our strong suit.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Mid-Season Finale “Riding in Town Cars with Boys”

[A Note about the Gleecap for “Hold on to Sixteen.”  It’s on it’s way, I PROMISE.  Be on the lookout for it later this evening, December 8th.  Sorry for being so very late! 😦  It’s been a crazy couple of days . . .]

“Hey Blair, I have an idea.  Why don’t we NOT get in that death trap of a town car, and have sex right here instead?  I mean, I love Limo Sex as much as the next guy.  But, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather not spend yet ANOTHER hiatus in a coma.”

Hey there, Upper East Siders (and assorted Brooklynites)!  How are you guys doing?  Are you holding up OK, after this week’s episode?

MONKEY: “Where’s my Chuck?  I need to make a pee-pee!” 

Because, I’m not . . .

Case in point:  The title of this recap was originally: YOU LEAVE MY CHUCK BASS ALONE, YOU MEAN OLD GG WRITERS!

However, I thought that might be a bit spoilery, for those who hadn’t seen the episode yet, and were just innocently happening by this blog . . . so, I abstained.  But seriously, they’ve really gotta stop trying to murder our BASS!  Haven’t we been here before . . . like, say, about two seasons ago?

“Why is Josh Schwartz always picking on me?”

OK . . . OK . . . I know they probably aren’t going to kill him.  But still, I have a right to be perturbed, don’t I . . . ESPECIALLY AS A CHAIR FAN?

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But, as usual, I’m getting way ahead of myself here.  So, let’s rewind a bit, shall we?  The title of this recap comes from something Chuck said to Blair, during a very pivotal scene in this episode.  And of course, it goes without saying, that it describes Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, over the past five years, to a tee . . .

But it also describes the various situations in which many of our other GG characters found themselves, this week.  Like for example, Donut Dan, who chose the WORST MOMENT EVER to decide to come clean to a clearly distraught Blair about his feelings for her . . .

 . . . and Serena, who chose the WORST POSSIBLE TIME in the season to decide she wants Dan back . . .

“Wait for Meeeeeee!  I want to go to Brooklyn and eat pizza too!  Unless it has carbs . . . Is there such a thing as carb-free pizza?” 

 . . . and Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, who decided to confess her true identity, at the exact moment when nobody really gave a sh*t.  (Come to think of it, her timing is actually kind of brilliant, when you think about it.)

*insert evil laugh here*

 .  . . and finally, there’s Nate, who chose the WRONG TIME to piss off a suddenly evil politician / relative, not to mention the WRONG TOWN CAR . . .

Let’s start at the beginning . . .

Chuck is aroused.   Blair is bloated.  And both Dan and Serena are in need of a hairbrush . . .

The episode begins, fittingly enough, on the Upper East Side, around breakfast time.  Bromantic Buddies, Chuck and Nate, are drinking coffee and flirting with eachother, as they sometimes do.  Chuck admits, out loud, to Nate that the fact that the latter canceled a date with Mayor Bloomberg aroused him.  (At which point, I admitted, out loud, to myself that Chuck aroused ME, when he said the word “aroused.”  That voice . . . it’s pure sex, I tell you.)

Did I mention that Nate’s a “hard-hitting journalist,” now?  Well, they’ve got the “hard” part right.

“Yee-HAW!” 

Oh, GG!  How you slay me with your unintentional humor!

Anywhoo, Nate is super jealous that Chuck is reading a rival tabloid newspaper.  He wonders whether his boy toy is cheating on him with The Star or The National Enquirer.  Fortunately, Chuck is doing no such thing.  He’s simply reading about the love of his life / soulmate . . .  and how she may be throwing out that cyborg fiance of hers, along with a vacuum clear, a toaster, and various other appliances that no longer work, and, therefore, need to be replaced . . .

And how is Chuck taking this news, you ask?

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He doesn’t care.  Nope, not at all . . . not in the least bit.

After all, tabloids are for old ladies who collect ceramic cats.  (Sorry Nate .  . . and cats.)

And Blair would never really leave the robot father of her baby, WOULD SHE?

Speaking of Blair, it seems she’s finally gaining that baby weight we’ve all heard so much about.  Now, her fingers are like kielbasas (says Dorota), and she can’t fit into Louis-bot’s RING OF DOOM.  (Don’t worry Blair, I suspect there’s a ring sitting on the steps of Harry Winston that will fit MUCH BETTER.)

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Of course, Blair can’t LEAVE the house, now.  After all, if the paparazzi see her without her ring, they will be ALL OVER HER . . . kind of like this . . .

She also can’t take Dorota’s advice, i.e. say to Louis-bot, “Bippity Bobbity Boo, I will never leave you . . .”

Because . . . well, everyone who watches GG knows THAT’S A LIE . . .

Eventually, the paparazzi end up getting INTO Blair’s house, and snapping a picture of her, without her ring, ANYWAY.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Blair decides to go to the one place, where even the sleaziest of reporters wouldn’t dare follow her . . . Humpty Humphrey’s apartment.

Yes, I know, Dan.  You did something kind of awesome for my ship, this week.  So, I should really be nicer to you, at least in the context of this particular recap.  And I’m going to try . . .  really I am.  But I still think you have stupid Fozzie Bear hair . . .

Just sayin . . .

Speaking of the Donut, he starts the episode at the VDW house, bragging about the reprinting of his Dair fanfiction book, and griping about the TRAUMA of having to pen an Author’s Note Afterword, about how much has changed in his life, since he wrote it . . . you know, about three weeks ago.

“Dan fondled Blair’s heaving melons, while riding her like a pony.  She screamed for joy at how bi . . . oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what you’re supposed to write in an Afterword?”

Since Dan and Serena are so often the targets of derision for snarkier, more quick-witted, characters — like Chuck and Blair — it was kind of refreshing to see them be so adept at making fun of eachother, for a change.

“Are you pretending that cup you are drinking from is Blair?  Because, I’m pretending that this piece of fruit I’m about to eat is YOU.” 

For example, I got a hearty laugh out of Dan’s astute observation that the probable reason that Serena was so attracted to Max McPoorPerson was that he’s a total nutbar, much like ALL of her other ex-boyfriends.

“Oh, wait . . . I dated Serena too.  Whoops!’ 

This brother / sister banter / flirt session is interrupted briefly by some boring talk about Faux Charlie’s debutante ball, but continues later in Serena’s bedroom.  (wink, wink).

Derena fanfiction starts here  .  . . 

S and Humpty Humphrey both apologize for saying entirely truthful things to eachother in the kitchen.  Then, Serena tells Dan that he should write his Afterword about how much his Dair fanfiction has changed everyone’s lives for the better . . . everyone that is except Serena and Dan (and their hair).

Dan continues this journey of self-introspection and navel gazing with Papa Rufus, who suggests that Dan “change,” by telling Blair that he has feelings for her.  I don’t know, wouldn’t it be easier for him to just buy a new shirt, or something?  (Because, I’m REALLY getting tired of all that plaid . . .)

That’s better . . . 

Confessions, Epiphanies, and Pizza .  . . 

Meanwhile, Tripp pays Nate a visit.  The scummy politician and Serena’s erstwhile boy toy becomes super jealous, when he learns that Grandpa invited Nate to a Fancy Party for Rich Old People, and Tripp was not invited.

“Whaaaa . . .  but I LOVE RICH OLD PEOPLE!  They always have the best drugs.  It’s not fairrrrrr!” 

Pouty Tripp takes this opportunity to drop TWO bomb shells on Nate.

Bomb Shell # 1 – Grandpa was behind the whole Campaign Leak thingy, from last week.

Bomb Shell #2 – Grandpa was behind getting Nate his cushy job at That Random Trashy Tabloid Paper, he now runs.

Seriously?  Those have to be the lamest bombshells ever.  EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNEW ALL THAT . . .

Well . . . almost everybody. 

Nate confronts his Grandpoppy with all this NEW and SHOCKING information.  And Pops basically says, “Yeah . . . obviously, I did all that!  You think you’d actually be able to get a job like this (lame as it may be) by YOURSELF?  You’re still in college, sweet cheeks.  And nobody has ever even seen you attend a class.”

“By the way, Nate, since we are on the subject . . . I hate to tell you this, but the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real either.” 

Then, Grandpa tries to butter up Nate, by telling him that HE (not TRIPP)  is now being  groomed to lead “the Archibald / Vanderbilt family” into its bright, filthy rich, future .  . . Heaven help them all.  But Nate’s not buying it.  And he doesn’t want to go to that stupid Old Person Party, either!  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandpoopy!

Then, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena finds Nate looking sad.  So, she gives him some pep talk about “being the person you want to be,” or some crap like that.  Of course, if anyone knows about “being who you want to be,” it’s the Army Little Miss Multiple Personality Disorder, herself.

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Oddly enough, it’s THIS speech, that ultimately changes Nate’s mind, and allows him to accept his destiny as . . . the kind of guy who goes to Rich Old People Parties . . .

Honestly, I just really like this picture, even though it has no relevance, whatsoever to what I just typed. 

Speaking of Faux Charlie, Max McPoorPerson is still on her tail, begging for money, and telling anyone who WON’T listen, what a fraud she is, in hopes that he can sell her torrid story to the tabloids for some big bucks.   But McPoorPerson finally strikes it “rich,” when he overhears Grandpoopy telling Tripp (in public, of course), that Nate’s the new FAMILY FAVORITE PET, not him.  McPoorPerson then approaches, McUsedtoBeImportant, and they decide to help one another out . . .

MWAH-HA-HA!  I’ve McGot you now, Faux-Charlie!” 

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Serena is reading old Gossip Girl posts.   Somehow, they convince her to fall in love with Dan again . . .  basically, because he’s slightly less of a tool / manwhore than 98% of the other guy’s she’s dated in her lifetime.

Of course, she’s about half a season too late, considering Dan’s just decided he’s in love with Blair.  WHOOPS!  So, much for making “better romantic choices.”  I don’t know, Serena.  If you want love that badly, perhaps, you should consider getting a pet.  You can’t have sex with it, but, if you’re extra nice, it WILL lick your face, on occasion.  Hey, it worked for Chuck . . .

Sorry, Monkey.  That comment wasn’t intended to imply anything un-kosher between you and Chuck.  I’m just trying to help! 

Around this time, Dan and Blair are in Brooklyn, eating pizza that makes Dan smell like onions.  Blair admits to Dan how lost she is feeling over the whole “I really love Chuck, but the father of my child is a robot with poor language skills” issue.  Dan suggests that Blair still has a choice as to which man she wants in her life (the Robot or the Dark Knight).  He also lets her know that not all men consider Robot Babies a dealbreaker, in a relationship . . .

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Dan’s words give Blair hope . . . or, if not hope, at least the strength to fight for her own happiness, and the happiness of her child.  She calls Chuck.

Dan’s right.  (I can’t believe I actually typed those two words.)   There is definitely a kind of force field / psychic connection between Chuck and Blair.  You can feel the tension between them, from the moment Chuck picks up the phone.  The heartache . . . the history . . . the undying devotion . . . the immense magnitude of their love for eachother .  . . it’s all there, in every word exchanged, and in each subtle gesture.

You can feel their pain, even as they try to joke blithely about how Blair somehow keeps ending up in Brooklyn.   “This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”  Chuck asks, feigning ambivalence.

“No . . . only you,” Blair replies resolutely, her voice breaking as she speaks.  “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

Chuck pauses, having heard the words he’s undoubtedly dreamed of Blair saying, ever since he first found out she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn.

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And yet, something is stopping him from telling her what she wants to hear.  Chuck wants so badly to prove to himself that he is the good man that Blair needs him to be, even if being that person means breaking both of their hearts.  “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child,” he ultimately says, sounding broken and defeated.

Of course, Blair is devastated.  The two hang up the phone, at the same time, the air thick with the volumes of words unsaid between them.

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Dammit, now my recap is all wet with tears .  . .

Outside the apartment, Dan is on the phone with Serena.  She called him, as soon as she saw the Gossip Girl blast that Blair was in Brooklyn.  As it turns out, she’s super jealous  concerned that Dan is going to make Blair even more miserable, and confused than she already is, by telling her HE’S in love with her too.  Since, at this point in the game, Dan has plans to do precisely that, he basically tells Serena, to shut the eff up, and leave him to his fanfiction . . .

“Ooh, Serena . . . I have to call you back.  Brooklyn has really bad cell phone reception.  *blows into the phone and makes crackling noises* I  . . . think I’m losing you.”

Cue the entrance of Louis-bot, randomly, into La Casa de VDW.  “I jes woennn Blayerrr bick,” says Mr. Roboto.  (a.k.a. “I just want Blair back.”)  Bizarrely enough, Serena decides she actually wants to help Louis accomplish this task . . .

However, her reasons for doing this might be less than altruistic.  OBVIOUSLY!  In other words, I know strongly suspect that the only reason Serena wants Louis-bot to score with Blair, is to prevent Dan from scoring with Blair, so SERENA can score with Dan.  Get it?

As it turns out, Serena needn’t have bothered with the cyborg.  All it takes is for Dan to see the look on Blair’s face, after her phone call with Chuck.  In an instant, he knows exactly who Blair loves, and what he needs to do about it.  “I think I know how to make you happy,” says Dan.

And you know what?  In this case . . . he absolutely DOES!

Wow, I sure am giving Humpty Humphrey a lot of compliments, this week.   Clearly, we  must have stepped into some sort of alternate universe . . .

While Dan is comforting Blair, Lily is doing the same for Chuck, who — let’s be honest — she always seemed to like a whole lot more than her own daughter . . .  (How could she not?  He’s CHUCK FRIGGIN BASS!)

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Lily tells Chuck that she hopes that he gets the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone else, someday.  And, of course, we all know, that he has already succeeded in that . . .

“You should be with me”

It’s time for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s “coming out” party.  I bet you forgot about that, because I sure did.  Serena is there giving Louis-bot directions to Blair’s house.  But by the time Louis-3PO gets there, Chuck is there too.

The only problem, of course, is that BLAIR isn’t there.   She ran off SOMEWHERE  . . . with Dan?

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?’

In the next scene, we see Dan bringing a blindfolded Blair to a room that’s pretty much the BIGGEST FIRE HAZARD ever.  No wonder Blair thinks she’s been brought to a human sacrifice!

I think I read a fanfiction that started like this once . . . Oh yeah.  It was called “Inside,” and written by a guy named Dan Humphrey.

But what Dan has for Blair is WAYYYY better than a human sacrifice (not to mention, less messy).  It’s THIS GUY . . .

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 Yippee!  This is the moment we’ve been waiting all season for.  Get ready to let your inner fangirl go wild . . .

There’s so much I loved about this scene.  First and foremost, I adored the way that Chuck included Blair’s baby in their romantic discussion, thereby cementing the threesome as a family unit.  I also cheered when, after a season of hearing Chuck be politically correct about Blair’s relationship with Louis-bot, he FINALLY got up the courage to tell his Queen B that she belonged with HIM, not some stupid cyborg . . .

I loved Blair’s dig at Chuck’s poorly executed “unselfish” behavior, during their earlier phone conversation . . . and the cute guilty grin on Chuck’s face, when he admitted that “timing [had] never been [the couple’s] strong suit.”  But, I think most of all, I loved THIS . . .

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Meanwhile, at the lame debutante ball that no one really cares about, Faux-Charlie begins to fear that Max McPoorPerson might end up crashing her party, and selling her story to the tabloids.  So, when she learns that Chuck and Blair are reuniting with one another, literally right down the hall, she quickly leaks the intel to Gossip Girl, like the asshat she is!

Also at the party,  is Serena, who, upon learning what Dan did for Chuck and Blair, has a sweet heart -to-heart with the sad sacrificial jelly donut, during which she seems to fall deeper in love with him than before . . . Unfortunately, Dan’s way too depressed to notice . . .

“Wait . . . LET ME LOVE YOU, DAN!  (I’ve been disease free for three whole days now.)” 

Back in Chairytale land, Nate has conveniently stopped by, on the way to that Rich Old People Party, to put Chuck and Blair in a getaway car . . . the problem is . . . it’s the WRONG getaway car, as in the one that McPoorPerson and Tripp butchered, so Nate couldn’t get to the Rich Old People Party is randomly leaking gasoline all over the parking lot . . .

In the backseat with Chuck and Blair, we get a few more minutes of bliss, as the two lovers (and baby makes three) plot their escape from the evil Louis-bot, and vow to begin their new lives together, ASAP. But, first, some sexy kisses . . .

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 . . .and some sweet heartfelt words, are exchanged between the two . . .

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Nate is in the car behind them.  He, of course, doesn’t think much of the fact that his driver believes  he’s supposed to take him back to the Upper East Side (where Chuck and Blair were planning to go), and not to the airport . . . where he was originally headed.  In Nate’s defense, he’s a bit distracted by shiny objects by the evil paparazzi on motorcycles, who are aggressively surrounding Chuck’s and Blair’s limo, in an eerie (and not particularly tasteful) reminder of Princess Diana’s untimely demise.

Back at the party, Faux Charlie gets a call from Max McPoorPerson, in which he unexpectedly explains that he is now Max McSortofWealthy, and is, therefore, leaving town.

Huh?  But what about REVENGE? Isn’t that why McPoorPerson decided to stay, in the first place.  I thought the money thing was just an added bonus.  Didn’t you? 

At first, there doesn’t seem to be any connection between what’s going on in the town cars, and this phone call.  But then, Blair’s and Chuck’s limo gets run off the road by the paparazzi .  . . we remember that it was leaking oil, not too long ago . . . and that Nate was supposed to be inside.  Then, we remember McPoorPerson agreeing to help Tripp with his Granpoppy situation.  And, suddenly, everything starts making a whole lot of tragic sense . . .

(By the way, for those of you who were wondering, Florence and the Machine’s “Heartlines” was the song playing during the scene leading up to the crash.) 

The final moments of the episode, take place at the hospital.  A furious Serena vows to take down Gossip Girl, for basically setting the paparazzi on Blair and Chuck, in the first place, and causing this mess.  Faux-Charlie, who, of course, actually made the call to Gossip Girl, begins to feel incredibly guilty.  This prompts her to tearfully come clean to Rufus about her identity (though I’m sure given all that’s going on, he barely registers the confession), and leave town, possibly until the hiatus is over for good.

I bet you are REALLY wishing someone would call you Serena now, aren’t you Charlie?

In a heartbreaking (not to mention, HORRIBLE) cliffhanger, we learn from Lily that, while Blair is awake and responsive, Chuck is in critical condition . . .

And while our eyes are too blurry with tears to comprehend any more information, we see Cougar Lady, Diana, receiving a call from Jack Bass, instructing her to return to New York .  . . you know  . . . because Chuck was in an accident . . . and because she’s clearly HIS LONG LOST MOM!

Not depressing enough for you?  Check out the trailer for the first, post-hiatus episode . . .

I end this recap with Blair’s memorable and poignant words from the promo posted above: “Let [Chuck] live.”  For the record, there is no doubt in my mind that he will do just that.  After all, Chuck Bass is immortal. 🙂

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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If at first you don’t succeed . . . deny, deny again – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition”

“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour.  What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake?  Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party  . . .”

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent.  But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves.  Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.

“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”  

For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging.  Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .

. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.

“Donnnn worry, Recapah!  I’ll be baaaaaacck!”

Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .

Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson

When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

He had also started dating Serena, because .  . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically.  (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.)  When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening boning checking out the “sights of New York.”  And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .

Source 

(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)

Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor.  (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.)  McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps.  McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him.  And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.

“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'” 

Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).

“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this?  SUCKA!” 

Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know Call Me Serena   Lying Poopyhead  Ivy.

Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH! 

When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS.  OMG!  It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .

 Jack Bauer does not approve.

Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it.  But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .

“This is my Sweet Face.” 

Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones.  So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms.  (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde.  I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes.  Sorry Rufus  .  . . and Chuck .  . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)

In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.

“Shut up, Carol!  Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?” 

Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist.  She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.”  But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer.  (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”

On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky.  And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .

“Ummm .  . . hi Real Charlie.  Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'” 

Source 

Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .

How does her head not topple over?   

 . . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy.  (Are you confused yet?   Because I sure am!)

And this dress confuses me most of all . . . 

Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells.  Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend.  She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that  .  . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.

One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam.  And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.

*clears throat loudly* 

Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .

What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.

MAX: “Jesus!  Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me?  CeCe?” 

MAX: “I take that as a YES!” 

So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.

What can I say?  Greed is good!

But don’t fret my Cece lovers.   As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing).  One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story.  And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .

“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?” 

But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie.  If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete.  This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money.  McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.

But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom.  And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.”  He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.

But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!

Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her.  What a sweetheart!  No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.

“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.” 

You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related.  But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .

Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets.  No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him!  He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!”  (Well, he’s a chef.  So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)

“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH!  Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . .  . never mind.” 

No matter.  Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat.  I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY].  Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . . 

And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity.  By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now.   And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser.  But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore.  I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally,  creepy cartoon super villian style.

“MWAH-HAHAHA!  I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”

Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.

The Spectator:  It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!

One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense.  But alas, this was not that day.

“DOH!” 

On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ.  So, that’s nice for him .  . . I guess.  Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.

“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”

Those of us like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool  ended up being sorely disappointed this week.  As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.

Mini- Matt Lauer 

Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana.  No SIR!  He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning.  (Neon green . . . FYI).  He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or  ask nicely.

Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!

All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him.  Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.”  After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?

“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.” 

But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST.  So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.

Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him.  Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story.  Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before.  “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.

“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena.  Still banging guest stars, who look like me?” 

And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous.  Am I the only one?

Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic.  But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it.  Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.”  But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works.  And why not?  He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.

Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.”  I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me.  It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.

YUMMY! 

Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.

Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .

Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell.  “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.

Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).

Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)

Oh, Donut Dan!  How the not-so-mighty hath fallen!  One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.

The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.

I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis.  After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo and Raccoon Zombies . . .

. . . losing two would be downright depressing.

But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf like he did last week.

He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone.  Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.

“CABLE GUY!!!!!” 

(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)

Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . . 

And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant.  Surprise!  The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.

Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants? 

At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings.  But, no such luck.  As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction.  (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)

To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do.  Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.

“Oh DAN!”   (bats eyelashes)  “You naughty little Tweeter, you!” 

I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets.  So, he took over, and started insulting himself.  (Self-hatred RULES!)

Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys.   In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.

“Come on!  Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!” 

(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job.  We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)

Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud.  I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .

Target demographic for Dan’s book . . . 

And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .

Chair-ing is CARING!

Source 

Blair is sad because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN.  Wouldn’t you be sad too?.  She is wearing a sad orange dress.  She also has a sad ponytail in her hair.  Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him.  That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.

“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .” 

Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!

This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .

. . .  to get inside his pants head to figure out how he “turned good,”  so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.

Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.

Monogrammed yoga mats! 

Queen B is shocked and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady.  She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.”  (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.”  You know what that means?  She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)

Source 

To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world,  is known as “couples counseling.”

During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.

“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1.  Now THAT was EPIC!” 

He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck, whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly  hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass.  (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)

Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go.  How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.

“Diagnose THIS!” 

But nope.  This is a SERIOUS Chair episode.  And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of stupidity closure, if ever there was one.

He tells her to call Harry Winston and check.  And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT.  I know, because that someone was me.

But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission.  It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again.  And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?

Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding.  (How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes?  Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.)  He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring.  (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!)  “You asked me to let you go, so I did.  I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

Source 

Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry.  (Well . .  . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.)  She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers.  This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom.  (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))

I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.”  And “[Her] love kept him alive.”  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all.  After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place.  What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?

Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest.  He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes.  Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love.  But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.

“I just want you to be happy Blair.  I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”

This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom.  (See?  SHE’S Team Chair too!)  Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t,  in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.

Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man.  Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.

Ahhhh, much better. 

As usual, Westwick and Meester  bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being.  You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:

The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth.  Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair.  He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner.  “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one.  I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully.  NO!  YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE.  YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK.  DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!

“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”

And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered.  “Do you still love her?”  He asks.

Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance.  “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.

*sigh* 

If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time.  Does that make me unpatriotic?)

What’s that I see?  Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B.  Can I get a HELL YEAH?  (I don’t know.  It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing.  Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)

Here’s the American Promo.  See what YOU think?

Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.

Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday.  So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below.  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Gossip Girl

Men of Action, Men of GOOD – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources”

[ Your recap for Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition” is on it’s way!  Check back for it later this evening (E.S.T.)  XOXO!]

For the record, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a spinoff of Gossip Girl, consisting entirely of Chuck Bass, staring sexily at the camera, and insulting a Drunken Humpty Humphrey, while the latter mumbles incoherently about nothing in particular . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl, we learned that making major changes in your life, often requires action.  But, sometimes, the most heroic thing to do in a particular situation is nothing at all.  We also learned that, Chuck is more than willing to share his apartment, his flask, his pot, and his hookers with his friends . . .

But he always saves his Monkey for himself . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

You’ve Been E-vited to the Shower of the Century . . .

Source 

Hooray, it’s Blair’s Wedding Shower!  This is a time for us to celebrate the wonder that is how Blair has somehow managed to stay engaged to Louis-bot, despite the fact that (1) he was obviously created by a mad scientist in a lab, somewhere; (2) no one ever understands one f*&king word he says; and (3)the remaining few mildly redeeming aspects of his personality vanished about four episodes ago.  Party Planner Serena feverishly makes preparations for the Big Event.

Being human and having a personality is overrated, anyway. 

Meanwhile Chuck (who wasn’t invited to the Shower, thanks to a certain HOT AND HEAVY makeout fest with the guest of honor, last week)  . . .

*sigh*

 . . . walks his Monkey . . .

“Oh, dammit!  Not these little b*tches, again.  And what the hell is that one in pink wearing on her head?”

. . . and is forced to field insults from those runty Mini GG’ers that the writers randomly throw into the show about once every season (possibly to appeal to that all-important under-10 demographic).

In all fairness, the one on the right DOES bare a striking resemblance to Blake Lively .  . . 

 I actually found them really funny,  the first two times they appeared.  Now, when Chuck half-heartedly sicks the docile Monkey on them (telling the girl’s the dog’s been forced to attack fake Prada, no less), a part of me hopes the canine goes temporarily insane, and bites their little heads off.

“That’s what you get for insulting my Master!” 

Speaking of insulting, elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Lily and Rufus are laughing hysterically at Donut Dan, who has, once again, been called out by Gossip Girl for being a total loser.

“I told you!  This is why I always insist on wearing a bag over my head, whenever we go out in public with your son.” 

“You are SO not getting a signed copy of my book, MOM!”

He hasn’t been invited to Blair’s party either.  This is because he once wrote a fanfiction starring himself, in which he and Blair made mad passionate Humpty Humphrey love.  And that fanfiction just so happened to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list, for about two minutes, thereby totally humiliating Blair.  (Smut fanfiction has always been the most popular kind, after all.)

“I ended up calling my book, Inside.  But the working title was actually, Dan Humphrey: Sex God.” 

Oh, did I mention that Louis-bot is back from his episode long hiatus, having been refurbished with a brand new battery pack,  and an even more bizarre-sounding language chip?

“I caammm barink geeefts to show my wuv to yuuuu, Blayerrr.”

“Huh?” 

Case in point: by way of apology, he bought Blair “boo-atles of purrrrfoooom, whiz shee kin smizsch un heez  hiz hid, if she leaks” (a.k.a. bottles of perfume, which she can smash on his head, if she likes.)

Louis promises Blair that his time away has left him a changed man.  (I mean, they have replaced his batteries, after all!)  But then, not one minute later, he’s already bashing on all Blair’s friends, and trying to isolate her from them, claiming that they don’t have her “bist intwest acht haurrrt” (a.k.a. best interests at heart).

“Oh, you mean because they paid off a shrink to try and make my ex-boyfriend go nuts, even if that meant he might hurt me, in the process?  Oh, wait . . . that was YOU!”

As evidence of this, Louis-bot shows Blair a GG blast about her recent Paternity Test debacle, claiming that since HE didn’t write it, one of her friends probably did.

Of course, as anyone who’s ever had to suffer through a Lifetime movie can tell you, this is textbook future wife-beater behavior.   In other words, Blair, RUN  . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

Since Louis-bot has already planted the seeds of doubt in her head, as to her friends’ party planning abilities, Blair becomes damn-near suicidal when her minions accidentally / on-purpose let it slip that Blair’s shower invitation was sent via e-vite . . .

. . . with instructions to wear jeans . .  .

.  . . because Greek food will be served from a nearby grease truck . . .

. . . along with .  . . SHAVED ICE for dessert.

Source 

OH THE HORROR of casual dining.  (I’m not even sure Blair owns a pair of jeans!)  It’s a wonder our bride-to-be didn’t immediately toss herself off the roof of the Hotel Empire.

Of course, it’s a  very good thing she didn’t.  I mean, obviously, we don’t want Blair to kill herself.  (How would we ever get our Chair Happy Ending, if that happened?)  But also, the party ended up being totally awesomesauce, and not at all how the girls meanly led Blair to think it would be . . . (More on that later.)

But, since we are on the subject of Blair.  What the hell kind of outfit was she wearing during the entire first half of the show?  She looked like a cross between Barbara Bush and a human Christmas Tree?

That said, her dress for the bridal shower kind of rocked.  (I think.)  So I’m willing to let this temporary lapse into fashion victim-ism slide . . .

MAX-imum Trouble for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena

The problem with having three different names, is that you never know who you are exactly, until someone calls you by one of them.

Source 

 Just ask Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who becomes deeply confused (not to mention royally screwed), when ex-boyfriend Max comes a-stalking, and starts blabbing his mouth off to Lily about Charlie, not really being Charlie (or Call Me Serena, for that matter).  As far as Max is concerned, Charlie is Ivy.  And, as far as Ivy is concerned, Max is a DEAD MAN!

“Conveniently, one of my multiple personalities just so happens to be a serial killer named Bubba Chainsaw.” 

Fortunately, for Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, she’s way smarter than she looks.  Girlfriend comes up with an actually-pretty-convincing story for Lily (and Max), about how her riches-hating mama forced her to pick-up a separate identity, just to make sure no one used her for her trust-fund baby status.

“Good one . . . Char . . . Iv . . . whatever the hell your name is!”

Suddenly, Lily’s feeling all guilty, as she hugs her faux-niece, and speechifies about how she should never feel like she has to hide her true identity, and blah-blah-blah.  Lily is officially a moron.  For a few seconds there, I thought I was watching the last few minutes of a Very Special Episode of that old sitcom, Full House.

“Well, this is awkward . . . Why didn’t the trusty doorman tell me they were filming an After School Special in here?”

(“You just be yourself, D.J. Tanner Faux Charlie!  Your REAL friends will like you for who you are . . . or . . . in this case . . . who you pretend to be.”)

Alone in Faux Charlie’s room, Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena offers to give Max $50,000 to start his own restaurant in Seattle, as a consolation prize for no longer being able to f*&k her.   Max seems pretty cool with the offer, which doesn’t say much for faux-Charlie’s skills in the sack.

“Hmm . .  . let me think about this . . . lots of cash OR mediocre sex with crazy lying b*tch .  . . CHECK PLEASE!”

But later, Max randomly gets let into the van der Woodsen apartment by the WORST DOORMAN EVER, and starts digging around faux-Charlie’s things.  There, he conveniently finds a playbill for a local show on which “Ivy” and “Carol Rhodes” (faux-Charlie’s so-called mother) worked together in Florida.  Ruh Roh!

Consider all of your personalities officially busted . . . 

Then, an Evil Lightbulb goes off in his brain . . . (insert maniacal laugh here) . . .

Max McPoorPerson decides to stick around the Upper East Side, after all.  In fact, he might even have a shot at having sex with Serena!  (Why not, everyone else does?)  Oh, and why just ask for $50,000 to keep your ex-girlfriend’s dirty little secret, when you can ask for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

The Scandalous E-mails of Manhattan’s Elite

Hey, did you know that this whole ridiculous The Spectator storyline was just an extremely overy complicated plot by Nate’s grandfather to get his son a real job . . . one that didn’t involve him sticking his head up the ass of some 40ish cougar?  Oops.  So, much for that!

“There aren’t any great-grand kids I should know about are there?”

Anywhoo, Nate’s grandpa gives Mamacita Diana an ultimatum: make your lame online tabloid successful, and set Nate up as it’s fearless leader, ASAP or else I’ll tell everyone your CHUCK’S MOM!  Interestingly enough, it’s actually Nate who comes up with the key to making grandpoppy’s plot a resounding success, when Eric VDW’s ex beau Jonathan somehow hacks into Gossip Girl’s e-mail and finds a database containing every piece of information anyone has ever sent to her EVER.

“See .   . . contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart . . . S- M-R-T (That spells smart, by the way.)!” 

Nate tells Serena about this.  And Serena’s all “HELL NO!  I send Gossip Girl mean and nasty e-mails about you people, everyday!  You can’t publish this!  It will make me look like a total asshat!”

Nate agrees.  But then Diana is magically lurking around the office when he has his conversation, and learns everything.  When Nate begs Diana not to publish “All the Pretty Sources” (see what I did there), Diana immediately assumes that Nate is only looking out for himself, because HE has sent so many salacious e-mails to Gossip Girl, over the years.  But when she does a search for his name, she finds . . . wait for it . . . NOTHING .  . . NOT ONE E-MAIL.

Nate Archibald is a GOOD MAN!  HALLELUJAH!  Either that, or, instead of sending e-mails to Gossip Girl using his real, FULL NAME, because that would be STUPID (Seriously, what’s WRONG with these people?   Why the hell would you trust GOSSIP GIRL, of all people, not to reveal you as a source), he’s the only one who was smart enough to send his GG blasts, through the anonymous moniker, CougarLover69@gmail.com.

“Actually, the real reason I never sent any info to Gossip Girl is that I never learned how to type.  My maids always did that for me.”

Inspired by Nate’s angelic tendencies and large weiner a genuinely lovestruck Diana calls Grandpoopy Archibald, hoping to call off the whole thing.  Unfortunately for Diana, Silly Serena was SO SCARED people would find out how much sh*tty stuff she said about her friends to Gossip Girl over the years,  that she LEFT HER WEB BROWSER OPEN when she went to the bathroom, allowing Louis-bot to see EVERYTHING!

“Heylooo, Serrenaaaa.  I haf coome to keeel yer freend-sheep wit Blayerrr.” 

And, of course, because Louis-bot is secretly the greatest computer hacker of ALL TIME, he immediately publicizes the sources list, ALL BY HIMSELF. (They must teach this at finishing school in Monaco!)  In doing this, Louis-bot pretty much singlehandedly RUINS his wife-to-be’s bridal shower (More on that, in a bit.), and pretty much pees on her reputation in the process.  (Nice going, DOOFUS!)

“BAD ROBOT!”

But back to Nate . . . . he walks in on Diana’s and Grandpoopy’s scheming.  Nate’s discovery causes Diana, who now think’s Nate is just dreamy (and, of course, doesn’t want her dirty little Bass-tard secrets to come pouring out – Gossip Girl style) to take the blame for publicizing the sources list.

“Grandpaaaa!  The bad lady had sex with me, and made me have trust issues!”

Nate is FURIOUS that he has been betrayed, as evidenced by his FURROWED BROW OF ANGUISH.

“You are giving me premature wrinkles, Diana.  (I plan to send you a bill for my Botox, in about ten years.  Just so you know.)” 

No more Sex in the Spectator Room, for Diana, that’s for sure!   Grandpoopy then swoops in, like the HERO he is, to buy out Diana’s interest in The Spectator (which, of course, he already owns), and fire the Cougar Vamp, banishing her back to LA, where she belongs.