A Sad Day for Little Piggies – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 4 Premiere – “A is for Alive”

Hey there, my Pretties!  It’s that time again.  Our favorite little liars are back for another season of being tortured by “A”  . . .

. . . romanced by sexy shirtless men . . .

. . . and making questionable fashion choices (sometimes) . . .

So dig that creepy baby-face mask out of moth balls, keep your cell phone away from coffins, and for Heaven sake, hide your little piggies . . .

. . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

There’s A Dead Body Bacon in the Trunk!

“So, I’m guessing that Rosewood doesn’t have a car wash?”

Last season, on Pretty Little Liars, Deputy Douchey’s car magically emerged from a lake, and drove itself out to meet our fabulous foursome (plus Mona).  It turns out, Douche Car was on a mission.  It wanted to show the Liars incriminating footage of Mama Marin hitting Deputy Douchey with her car, and driving off into the sunset.  Now, admittedly, getting hit by a car sucks.  But it could have been worse, Deputy Douchey!  You could have been hit by a car ON YOUR WEDDING DAY .  . .

Also, Deputy Douchey didn’t even DIE yet, when he was hit by that car.  He just brushed himself off and walked away.  He even got the opportunity to shower, after it was all over . . .

. .  . which is more than we can say for his car . . .

Because, as we find out, in the opening minutes of the episode, being dirty, and playing a bad home movie on its OnStar screen are the LEAST of Douche Car’s problems.  THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE TRUNK!

WHAT COULD IT BE?  It must be something pretty horrible, considering the writers made us wait MONTHS to find out . . .

I mean, when you think about it, anything could be in that trunk . . . Ali’s corpse, Jason’s corpse, Toby’s corpse, A SPARE TIRE . .  .

But what actually ended up being in the trunk was worse than ALL OF THOSE THINGS COMBINED.  It was . . . BREAKFAST .  . .

“OH THE HUMANITY!”

Silently agreeing to all become vegans, the little liars hightail it from the “crime scene,” before they can be spotted by the cops.  Mona, however, decides to stick around, because a good song is playing on the car radio.  And everyone knows it’s bad luck to leave a car when a good song is playing . . .

Mona Vanderwaal’s theme song

Actually, she’s just dismantling the incriminating OnStar video monitor, like the sociopath / criminal mastermind she is . . .

Good going, girl!  An extra special helping of bacon for you!

F.A.Q’s

You know how a lot of company websites have a Frequently Asked Question page, so that the customer service line isn’t inundated with the same inane questions, over and over again, like “What’s the mailing address?” or “What are your hours?” or “Why does the hair color on my head look nothing like the picture of the girl on the dye box?”

Well, that’s kind of what the next scene was like for me.  Having Mona answer six or seven of the series’ most frustrating questions all at once, was both a really lazy thing to do, from a writers’ perspective, and an oddly satisfying experience for the fans.  So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, Mona PLL F.A.Q. . . .

(Does this mean Cece is Red Coat?  She certainly seems to be A Red Coat.  I’m just not certain yet that she’s THE red coat.)

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Should the writers have revealed the answers to these “Burning Mysteries,” through actual plot exposition, as opposed to mere script exposition?  Sure.  But if they did that, they’d have so much less time to focus on things like Dead Pigs in car trunks and the never ending Love Saga of Ezria . . .

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Sarcasm aside, I think the writers simply recognized the fact that they didn’t have time to include the answers to these questions in their actual plotline.  And, if that’s the case, I’m glad they revealed them, this way, rather than keeping them as intensely frustrating eternally unsolved mysteries, like some OTHER shows I know . . .

“I’m looking at you, Hurley Bird, and Walt’s rapid aging /random magical powers!“

One of the things I love most about PLL is how refreshingly self-aware it is of it’s own occasional ridiculousness.  Take for example, this next scene, where all the little liars awaken to find Mona gone.  Of course, they immediately assume that they all fell asleep because Mona drugged them  .  . . and not simply because they were tired from a long night of playing Fondle the Dirty Cop Car . . .

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And why wouldn’t they think that?  Especially, when Emily, Hanna, and Aria have each been drugged by their enemies, at least once on the show.

Poor Mona!  She just went out to get all her friends their morning cups of coffee, exactly how they like them . . . and possibly murder Deputy Douchey.

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Mona is kind of a kick ass car thief!  They should really consider hiring her for the next installment of Fast and Furious . . .

Trailer Park of the Dolls

You know, we all make jokes about how all the liars (with the exception of Emily) have such awful parents.  But what about Mona?

I mean, think about it.  Here’s a girl who spend about half a year in the nuthouse.  And when she gets out, her parents don’t seem to notice, mind or care, that she took all that creepy crap she used to store in a random skeevy motel room, and moved it to her OWN PERSONAL TRAILER!  Last I checked, you had to be 25 just to rent a car.  Can you really buy a house on wheels at 17?

In hopes of proving her worthiness, Mona generously allows each of the girls to read the personal stalker files she’s amassed on each of them, during the course of three seasons.  Then, she glibly admits to Hanna that she successfully impersonated Caleb despite being about 5 inches shorter than him at last year’s Halloween party, just so that she have an excuse to suck face with her former bestie, who she once tried to run over with her car . . .

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But Mona wasn’t the only cross dresser on the Halloween Train of Terrors.  Check THIS out?

It’s pretty hard to be afraid of someone who looks so ridiculous.  Then again, this was the guy who drugged Aria, put her in the coffin with a dead body, and then literally almost THREW HER FROM A MOVING TRAIN . . .

Mona’s carefully captured video footage suggests that there was another member of the A Team responsible for Aria’s future therapy bill.  She claims it was Spencer’s B*tch Sister Melissa . . .

But this pretty awesome “Kiss Virus,” smears fake lipstick kisses across Mona’s desktop, and deletes all her files, before Mona can confirm that she’s telling the truth.  My theory?  Mona clearly has a backup for this footage.  I’m thinking she likely planned the “virus,” because she’s covering for someone much more surprising than Melissa . . . someone who we HAVEN’T actually assumed was bad news from Day One.  Someone like . . .

I’m kidding.  I know the writers would never do this.  But you have to admit, it would be a pretty shocking reveal .  . .

Attack of the Kiddie Clones

Outside the trailer, the girls hear the sounds of their names being called, and head out to investigate.  Here’s what they find . . .

My goodness!  Does A work in a toy factory?  It’s the only possible explanation as to why every single week she or he seems to come up with another set of dolls that look exactly like the liars.  (I hope ABC Family is selling some of these to fans.  They’d make a mint.)

Well . . . honestly, these are pretty ugly.  I wouldn’t buy these!

WANT!

So, the kids tell the liars that some girl named “Alison” gave them the dolls, and blah, blah, blah.  We’ve heard this one before.  What’s more disturbing is the fact that the kids themselves actually look like the liars.  What is this Orphan Black?  Is the A Team involved in human cloning too?

I said the little girls look like younger versions of the liars.  What I didn’t mention was that there was one MAJOR exception to this rule.  Aria’s “clone” looked like someone else entirely . . .

I swear this show just gets more disturbing by the minute . . .

Ding Dong Deputy Douchey’s Dead . . .

On the way home from the Trailer Park of Terror, the girls encounter a familiar face . . .

Either Deputy Douchey is DOA, or he just picked a really bad location for a nap.  Suddenly, the girls realize the significance of the pig in the car.  Get it . . . pigs . . . cops?

It looks like the little liars are about to be framed for yet another murder.

Now, more than ever, they need Mona to give up that incriminating video footage.  But can they trust her to turn it over?

Fitzy Goes to Jail . . . Just KIDDING!

After a few weeks of successfully avoiding Fitzy, post breakup, Aria has an uncomfortable encounter with him at the coffee shop.  The fact that she’s wearing an outfit that directly resembles Sheldon Cooper’s Doppler Effect Halloween Costume certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Then Fitzy reveals to Aria that he’s once again taking a job teaching at Rosewood High, and mixing stripes with solids quickly becomes the least of Aria’s problems.  “I have a family now,” Fitzy reminds Aria, careful to use the word “family” and not just “kid,” to imply that the awful “Maggie,” is also a part of this picture.

“Why do you insist on continuing a relationship with Alex Mack.  She is LITERALLY a pile of goo!”

But to Aria’s credit, she keeps her cool, even icily referring to the guy she used to bone as “Mr. Fitz,” before exiting stage left.  You go, girl!

Back at school, Aria’s paranoia kicks into overdrive, when she becomes positive that the school principal is watching her moon over Fitz.  Her suspicions seem to be confirmed, when the principal calls her into his office, and confronts her with some TRULY PORNY pictures of Ezria going to pound town on one another . . .

You know what comes next, don’t you?

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Aria is crushed.  She rushes out of the principals office, to a chorus of sad trombones and tiny violins .  . .

Then Aria “awakens” to find herself still outside the principal’s office.  It was all daydream, silly!

Fitzy isn’t really going to jail!

And while part of me is relieved for Aria, the other part of me kind of wishes they actually did arrest Fitzy, if only so that he could start wearing doo rags in prison, like Toby, and, possibly even get the words “Thug Life” tattooed on his butt.

Speaking of the Tobster . . .

The Many Faces of Toby Cavanaugh

Sometimes I think Abs Toby has multiple personality disorder . . .

Sometimes he’s REALLY creepy . . .

Other times he seems genuinely sweet . . .

He can occasionally be a thug . . .

And this week, he was about eight other things, I hadn’t actually seen before.

It all started on an ordinary morning, during which Toby generously cooked his on-again girlfriend Spencer a breakfast, which hopefully didn’t include bacon . . .

No doubt, it was a sweet gesture.  But there was something about the way he kept reminding Spencer to thank him for the food, and shutting her down, whenever she tried to talk about Deputy Douchey’s death that didn’t sit right with me.  Perhaps, a part of me feels that Toby’s earlier betrayal was whitewashed over a bit too quickly.  And I’m clearly having a harder time trusting him again than Spencer.

That said, I genuinely felt bad for him, when “A” left him that threatening text about the mystery surrounding his mother’s “disappearance.”  I even understand why he kept that information from Spencer.  Though, I’m sure that decision will eventually come and bite him in the ass, during the weeks to come .  . .

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He’s a little shady.  But he’s still a really sexy crier (with great abs).

Later in the day, Toby takes Spencer to that burned down building in search of the elusive red coat.  And it’s pretty much the Worst Date Ever . . .

Of course, Super Sleuth Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

Through a flashback, we learn that Toby’s mother was either massively depressed, or had a serious drug problem.  And Ali was a seductively manipulative b*tch.  Of course, we already knew that last part . . .

Something struck me as odd about this flashback.   I understand that Toby was supposed to come off as young and naive.  And Ali was supposed to come off as an evil date rapist, who recycles her pickup lines . . . despite the fact that both characters were realistically only about 13 or 14 when this event took place . . .

It’s just that the way the lines were read, Toby somehow seemed less young and naive, and more . . . Lenny from Of Mice and Men, if you catch my drift . . .

In happier couples news . . .

You’ve Come a Long Way, Little Orphan B*tchy . . .

Remember when Paige looked like this?

And did this?

Well that’s sure in the past.  Because now Paige is asking Emily to go to Stanford with her.  And the pair are exchanging “I love yous.”

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But more importantly, her hair and wardrobe are awesome!

The little liars have been a very good influence on you, girl!  It’s too bad that by admitting your love for Emily, you’ve pretty much just signed your death warrant.  Emily Fields is basically the Jeremy Gilbert of PLL . . .

Best Friends and Bad Hair Days

You can tell that Hanna is having a difficult time processing Deputy Douchey’s death, because she’s got her wig on crooked.  And she’s wearing her headband so low on her forehead that you would think she was auditioning for a workout video for the 1980s . . .

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Speaking of the 80’s, bedazzle much?

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It’s abundantly clear that these two girls need to go shopping.  Though, given their current wardrobe choices, I’m not quite sure it’s such a good idea for them to be shopping together . . .

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All sarcasm aside, I thought the moments Mona and Hanna shared together this week were actually really sweet.  And a big part of me genuinely wants to believe Mona, when she tells Hanna that she truly loves her and misses her, despite knowing that Hanna is only hanging out with her now to protect herself and the rest of the liars.

Mona even gives Hanna the incriminating disk we saw in the beginning of the episode, as a gesture of good faith.  After all the terrible things Mona has done to the girls, and Hanna in particular, she’s still a long way from gaining my trust.  But this was definitely a start . . .

In other news, Mama Dilaurentis is back in town.  And despite her daughter’s having supposedly been dead for two years, still can’t quite bring herself to get rid of all her sh*t.  So, the “twin” theory rears its ugly head yet again . . .

And finally . . .

A Nice Day for a Black Funeral

Everyone in Rosewood knows that the monthly funerals are the most important events on the town’s social calendar.  This is why the little liars always attend them, dressed like they are going to bachelorrette party in Vegas.  It’s also why they insist on sitting in the front row, despite the fact that not only are they typically of no familial relation to the deceased, they also tend to be the number one suspects in that person’s murder . . .

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The social importance is Rosewood funerals may also explain why Jenna insists on showing up to them fashionably late, on the arm of a new heretofore unknown gentleman, each month . . .

But if trying to make a fashion statement at the funeral was the little liars (and Jenna’s) ultimate goal, then all of them failed.  Because if anyone was going to get gawked at during Wilden’s funeral, it was most definitely going to be THIS CHICK . . .

She’s wearing a mask AND a veil?  How does she not bump into walls?

Before the big day, Spencer gets a tip, thanks to “A,” that there may be something special waiting for her in Deputy Douchey’s coffin . . .

Spencer is excited, because she hasn’t fondled a corpse since, well . . . the last time she fondled a corpse.  Mona, who received the same cryptic message, is also up for the challenge .  . .

“I hope the clue is not in his pants.”

The girls extract a phone from Douchey’s coffin, and dial the number attached to the contact “Kisses.”  So, you can imagine their surprise when the phone call goes directly to HANNA’S PHONE!

Don’t worry, Caleb . . . it’s actually Hanna’s MOTHER, who Dead Wilden was dialing.  But still . . . gross . . .

After the funeral, New Deputy Less Douchey confronts the girls, and does that TV cop thing, where he seems to be both flirting with them, and accusing them of murder at the same time . . .

I don’t care if he ends up being an A$$hole, who, like everyone else in this show, is somehow, involved in Ali’s murder and/or has it in for the liars.  He’s HOT!  There, I said it. . .

In the final moments of the episodes, the girls get yet another cryptic text from A, informing them that the truth is going to BURY them . . .

Get it?  Bury!  Ahhh . . . you got a love a good funeral pun.

See ya next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [My Tumblr]

Bad Santa Klaus – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Mid Season Finale “O Come All Ye Faithful”

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“Oh, you better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town.  Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”

It’s Christmas, Fangbangers!  Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Unless you live in Mystic Falls.  In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here.  Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps.  And it still makes me cry . . .]

“Wanna Come?”

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I concur Damon.  I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . .  Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them.  Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .

Yes, I went there.  I titled this section “Wanna Come?”  And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.

In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene.  Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .

Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed.  Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it.  Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!

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Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable.  I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.

Whereas, in the previous episode,  we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .

Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing.  You know what I say to that?  “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what.  Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?

Here’s an idea, Damon.  You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would.  You already FEEL guilty.  So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?

It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure.  It also might be more fun for us to watch.  But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .

“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .

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Nike would be so proud!

Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena  puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.

“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .

WE DO!  WE DO!  Except you two aren’t letting us!  Such teases!

Klaus Mikaelson . . . He’s one Special Snowflake

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It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.

Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop .  . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake.  Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . .  Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age.  You know, like them . . .

Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers.  And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .

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It totally works, by the way.

Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure.  It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before.  But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while.  And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .

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Klaus and Stefan – Frenemies with benefits?

Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection.  Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters  . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.

“Dear Lover.  If you are reading this, it means you killed me.  So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”

Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.

I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . .  Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .

Same difference I guess.  But hey, it could be worse.  Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.

Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .

The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr

After you’ve been dating someone for awhile,  you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies.  Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .

“I’m not angry!  What would make you think I’m angry?”

And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.

“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this?  I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”

*whistles uncomfortably*

I don’t know.  I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it?  (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.)  Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things?  This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .

Just saying . . .

Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days.  Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate.  Yes, fangbangers.  Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr.  But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .

Speaking of dumbasses . . .

Have wood, will thrust . . .

OK, so let me get this straight.  You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.

You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill,  so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her.  While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor.  And he’s bored.

Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister.  You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.

You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .

“Ooh what a feeling!  When we’re dancing on the ceiling .  . .”

You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.

I mean, you could really do anything.  The world is your proverbial oyster.  But, you know what I wouldn’t do?  I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .

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All logic reasoning aside . . . Jer Bear is looking gooooooood . . .

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Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show?  Well, they used it this week!  Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor  Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .

Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?

ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft.  What kind of lotion do you use?”

JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”

“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”

Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat.  And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good.  Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?

Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies.  He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires.  So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.

Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing.  After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance.  So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him.  That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .

And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored.  Thank you very much.

Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point.  I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna,  Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games.  Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault.  But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .

And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy.  Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.

Oh gross!  I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .

“There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work.  You’re still here.”

But hey!  Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck.  So, progress?

JEREMY:  *think about Bonnie . .  . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*

ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch.  I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”

JEREMY:  “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake.  Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”

But you know who ISN’T making progress?

BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.

Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year.  But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time.  That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!

Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .

That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy!  And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.

It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses.  He tells Elena he’s setting her free.

He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.

And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion.  I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy.  And I didn’t like it happening here.  In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled.  He felt he was setting them free.  But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do.  We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.

We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.

I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing.  And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time.  I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan.  And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break.  He deserves it . . .

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mama Don’t Preach . . .

Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week.  So, we’re supposed to be nice to her.  But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus.  And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”

“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”

REALLY?  Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.

Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.”  Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!

What’s worse?  Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP.  Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years.  With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?

“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you.  At least he never gives his father any lip.”

I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.

Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle.  So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately.  (More on that later.)

Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.

That’s right, Fangbangers.  It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE.  You know . . . so he can save Elena from loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.

In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.”  While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .

 .  . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.

Of course, Stefan can’t find it.  This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff.  Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.

So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM.  And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.

Then again, maybe not . . .

Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory.  Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight.  Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.

“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.

Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s.  Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware?  I wonder . . .

News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword.  Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body.  Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy .  . . well . . . almost everyone.

Now, this is where things get confusing.  You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting.  On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead.  But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE.  Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .

You re-killed Caroline!  You bastard!

I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap.  Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom.  RUDE!  She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .

Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed.  “But you were dead.  You had no pulse,” she whines. 

Maybe next time, April . . .

Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring?  OOPS!

In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”

Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”

However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls.  And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.

“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”

As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains.  (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)

Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.

To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.

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But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .

Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .

Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away.  Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him.  As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.

But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . .   So, it’s totally justified.

Yes, I AM kidding.  But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets.  It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.

“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”

Kung Fu Hybrid 2 .  . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .

P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones.  After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”

Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal.  And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.

Bummer . . .

Speaking of bummers . . .

Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .

I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls.  On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes.  On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures.  This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372.  Weird . . .

Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi.  His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye.  So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit  . . . concerned about the whole situation.

I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately.  Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?

I don’t know.  Maybe she was too drunk, or something.  Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life.  “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.

As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.”  Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.

Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go.  But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your  “maker.”  R.I.P. Mama Lockwood.  We barely knew ye.   But hey, look on the bright side!  At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!

“Dammit!  I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”

On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Sookie Stackhouse: Angel of DEATH! – A Recap of True Blood’s “We Will Meet Again”

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Uh oh, Fangbangers!  Don’t mess with the Sookster!  Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind.  (Sorry Tara!)

For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .

. . .this was the episode for you!

Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.

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Of course, there was one notable exception . . .

Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble.  Ain’t that sweet?

In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.

Let’s review, shall we?

Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!

Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again.  (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)

That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .

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 . . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously.  Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!

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Now, that’s what I call a good mom!

Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more.  And she’s in good company, in that regard .  . .

Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)

Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy.  Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.

But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first .  . .

What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.

And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles.  What the f*&k is up with that?

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Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .

. . . almost . . . but not quite.

Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .

OMG!  You killed that annoying vampire kid.  You RULE!  Bastard!

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.

That little vampire kid .  . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.

I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed.  In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire.  I’m certain of it.  Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.

But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”

And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .

BRAVO!  Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.

Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . .  .

PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo

Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.

Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm.  Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”

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In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .

Oh, Eric Northman!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.

Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode.  Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.

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That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.

“How ya like me now?”

For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline .  . . well . . . you just might not be human.

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The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it.  But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?

Or can we?

In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .

Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week.  Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule.  The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

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 . . .  immediately took the law into her own hands.  Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed.  Pretty awesome huh?

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Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search.  And why did they do that you ask?  Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .

Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!

Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .

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 . . .  has decided to go and get herself good and wasted.  That’s my girl!

You know what, Fangbangers?  This might have been my favorite scene in the episode.  For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome.  Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.

And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!

She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.

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She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.

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That’s right, Alcide.  You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.

But you were wrong!  So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face.  Nom-nom, nom . . .

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Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience!  Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale.  And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it.  Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?

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Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.

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But you aren’t fooling anyone . .  And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.

Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .

Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition

Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure.  Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again.  The question is . . . who killed them?  I smell another mystery!  Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .

Speaking of mysteries . . .

Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition

Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?

And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season?  Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.

Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club!  And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.

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Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood?  (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?)  Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day?  Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?

Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“We find them, and we kill them. We kill them ALL!” – A First Look at Teen Wolf Season 2

Wake up, Stiles!  It’s time for a new season . . . 

Last summer, MTV, home to “masterpieces” like Teen Mom and Real World: Season 265, surprised everyone, by taking a cheeseball 80’s movie starring Michael J. Fox, as the hairiest high school basketball star ever . . .

  . . . and turning it into a genuinely entertaining, smart, well-acted, and, at times, even downright scary, television drama series . . .

I mean, sure, at the beginning, most of us were just watching Teen Wolf for the pretty naked men.  Because, let’s face it, there was A LOT of that . . .

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“Doctor, why am I wearing pants?  Don’t you know I appeal more to the 18-34 demographic without them?”

 . . . but somewhere along the way we actually started giving two craps about these characters . . . wondering what was going to happen to them, and guessing who the mysterious Alpha Wolf would end up being . . .

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Hint:  It wasn’t This Guy . . .

Now, that the series is entering its sophomore season, the stakes are even higher for both its writers and actors.  No longer will Teen Wolf be blanketed under the protection of diminished expectations. 

No longer will the mere promise of gratuitous images of Tyler Hoechlin’s abs, be enough to keep us coming back for more . . .

OK, that’s a lie . . . I’d totally watch a show, just to see this . . . 

Coming into Season 2,  fans are going to expect even more blood, guts, and gore . . .

 . . . massive plot twists . . .

 . . . sex scenes that give the TV Ratings system the middle finger . . .

 . . . romance . . .

 . . . adventures in homoeroticism . . .

. . . and, yes, even some character development . . .

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So, the REAL question is, can the series continue to deliver?

Without further adieu I proudly present to you, both the first official Teen Wolf Season 2 trailer, and the first ten minutes of the show’s sophomore season premiere . . .

 

(Special thanks to my blogging pal Andre for the awesome screencaps you see below.)

My first impression of the new season is that the writers and producers have cleverly taken the aspects of the series that worked in Season 1, and amplified them in Season 2.  For example, Season 1’s pilot featured a whole lotta half-naked Scott . . .

 The first ten minutes of Season 2 features a whole lotta half-naked EVERYBODY . . .

Season 1 revolved largely around Scott adjusting to his new werewolf persona . . .

Season 2 will feature Jackson, Lydia, and at least two new characters adjusting to their new lives as supernatural creatures . . .

 Season 1 explored the various differences between Beta werewolves and the supposedly all-powerful Alpha . . .

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Season 2 will introduce new species into the mix.  Among these species will be the much-discussed Omega wolf (The first episode of the season will be entitled “Omega.”), the shapeshifting “abomination” that’s brutally eviscerating townspeople throughout the season, and whatever the f*&k Lydia is now (a wolf?  a banshee?).  Of course, there’s always the possibility that all three of these entities are actually one in the same . . .

*snickers*  Season 2’s Big Bad kinda looks like Batman. 

“Beef jerky . . . yum.”

Which brings me to my next comparison . . . the Main Murder Mystery.  In Season 1, fans knew that it was the Alpha who had been committing brutal murders throughout the town.  However, they weren’t quite sure of the Alpha’s identity.  Many fans initially expected Jackson, due to his increasingly bizarre behavior, and the wackadoo hallucinations he suffered, throughout the series . . .

This season, I suspect one of the main suspects for the brutal murders around town will be Lydia, who was brutalized by the Alpha last season, but never actually turned into a werewolf.  Like with Jackson, the first ten minutes of Season 2 show Lydia experiencing bizarre hallucinations.  She also seems, based on the trailer, to regularly blackout, and awaken nude (SURPRISE!) in close proximity to where the murders are taking place.

My current theory?  Lydia is NOT the Season’s Big Bad at all . . . but actually a banshee, inevitably drawn to death, and forced to harken its arrival, through ear-piercing cries of agony.  (It would certainly explain all her screaming . . . though I’m not sure why being bitten by an Alpha wolf would cause someone to morph into this.)

Season 1 introduced us to the Argents, a crazy werewolf-slaying family, who, despite their supposed adherence to some sort of Code of Conduct, possessed a strong tendency to kill first, and ask questions later . . .

In Season 2, they are still the Argents.  And they are still crazy.  Now, there just seem to be more of them . . . and they have KNIVES . . . lots and lots of knives . . .

SCOTT: “Uhh . . . Derek, is that a knife in my ass, or are you just really excited for Season 2?”

For me, two of the weakest aspects of the first Season of Teen Wolf were the snooze-worthy supposed-Romeo and Juliet relationship between Scott and Allison . . .

And some of the more laughable CGI graphics on the show . . .

With respect to the former, I suspect that the Romeo and Juliet-ness of Scott and Allison’s story will only increase, now that Allison knows she’s a huntress, and her family knows that Scott is a werewolf . . .

“You were supposed to be MY boyfriend, dammit!”

However, whether these heightened circumstances actually serve to make this relationship more interesting to watch remains to be seen.  I, for one, am still skeptical . . .

As for the CGI graphics on the show . . . well . . . that little Leap Frog Number Scott was doing on the way to Allison’s house definitely made me giggle .  . . though, I suspect that wasn’t its intention.

Is he supposed to be running or taking a sh*t?

On a much more positive note, I absolutely predict that Season 2 will feature much more STILES!  And that, my friends, is a very good thing . . .

But hey, writers. . . let’s get the guy a little romance this summer, OK?  He’s earned it . . .

So, my fellow wolfbangers, it’s your turn to sound off on the first sneak peeks of Season 2.  What are your thoughts on the new characters?  The new creatures?  Scott’s new haircut?  Jackson’s new abs?  Who do you think is this season’s Big Bad?  Why wasn’t Derek naked in ANY of these shots?

And, perhaps most importantly, who was Stiles dreaming about in the first five minutes of the episode?  Lydia . . . the night nurse . . . Derek . . .  or Danny?

That’s all I’ve got.  See you on June 3rd, my fellow werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

On Bad Men and Fearless Ladies – The Lazy Recapper Mini-Caps Mad Men’s “Mystery Date”

On July 13, 1966, a real-life Mad Man named Richard Speck raped and tortured nine student nurses, in the boarding house where they were living at the time.  Eight of them were killed.  Only one survived.  She did this, by miraculously managing to hide under a bed, undetected, while a horror movie unfolded inches away from where she lay . . .

It kind of makes you think twice about a childhood game, that revolves around opening the door to “sexy strangers.”  Don’t you think?

(Some doors are best left closed . . .)

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 The episode “Mystery Date” reflected on this real-life tragedy, and how it impacted the lives of the women and men, who lived during that time.  In a sense, the Speck murders functioned as the unofficial villain of this hour of television.  From Don Draper to young Sally, this week, all of the characters of Mad Men were forced to cope with issues of female violence, and what it means to feel “safe” in a world that is often terrifying . . .

Of course, since I’m a Lazy Recapper, I’m probably not going to address any of that stuff . . .

After all, it’s much more fun to talk about important things . . . like what the heck Stan Rizzo is wearing on his head!

“The Seven Dwarfs called, Stan.  Dopey really wants his hat back.”

Let’s review, shall we?

Don Draper’s bout with the flu this week on Mad Men taught me two things: (1) yes, hot people do, in fact, get sick, just like everybody else;

“I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather lately.  Perhaps it has something to do with this massive flood in my office.”

 . . . and (2) being sick can make you INSANE!

I mean, think about it . . . one minute, Don is defending his honor to his wife, when a former fling of his hits on him right in front of her, in an enclosed space.

(Love in an elevator . . . . living it up, when you’re going downnnnn.)

DON: “So, Wifey #2 . . . I guess this would probably be a bad time to ask for your thoughts on threesomes?”

The next minute, he’s STRANGLING HER TO DEATH, AND SHOVING HER CORPSE UNDER HIS BED!!!

Officially out of the running for Wife #3 . . . 

Wait . . . what’s that you say?  That Don’s seeming murder of Sexual Conquest 323 was just a Fever Dream, Symbolizing the Protagonist’s Subconscious Fear that his Slutty Past will Come Back to Haunt Him / Ruin his New Marriage?  And that his shoving her under the bed, reflected that same subconscious’ reaction to the Speck Murders, specifically, the hiding place of the lone female survivor?

Well, thank you, Dr. Freud.  I feel much better knowing that the man I have sex dreams about one of my favorite television characters isn’t an actual murderer of women.  Still . . .  having dreams like that is pretty f*&ked up, if you ask me.

Speaking of Bad Men, Joan FINALLY kicked to the curb her no good hubby, Dr. McRapeyPants, after he blatantly admitted that he would rather spend another year AT WAR, halfway across the world, and possibly DIE, than be with his wife and Roger’s lovechild their newborn baby son.

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 She also not-so-subtly called him out on that one terrible time, a few seasons back, during which he forced himself on her in Don Draper’s office, thereby incurring the wrath of Mad Men fans, like myself, for all eternity . . .

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We love you, Mama Joan!  You’re a FEARLESS, and just all-around awesome woman, who’s decades ahead of your time! But . . .  that still doesn’t make it OK for you to do this . . .

Hey Mommy Dearest, you are ONE TOSS AND TURN AWAY FROM SQUISHING YOUR BABY!  Get thee to a crib, GO!

Speaking of questionable parenting tactics, Grandma Francis found a fabulous way to get a stressed-out Sally to sleep, the night after the latter learned about the Speck murders . . . and by “fabulous” I mean “ridiculously inappropriate and more than a bit disturbing” . . . 

(WARNING: Here comes that “survivor under the bed” motif again!)

Fifteen years from now, when Sally’s a cast member on Celebrity Rehab, she will undoubtedly be telling Dr. Drew all about the time Grandma Harris slipped her some Seconals and let her pass out under the couch, while Granny sat above her holding a steak knife . . . 

On a much more positive note, Peggy Olson officially became my spirit animal, when she OWNED Roger Sterling, cleverly convincing the latter to give her $400 out of his own pocket, by simply uttering two words: “Dazzle Me.”

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Of course, this causes one to wonder just how much money Roger Sterling carries in his billfold.  And, perhaps more importantly, what’s he REALLY spending it on (aside from paying for the silence of his underlings, of course)?

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French lessons, maybe? 

Peggy may have handled Roger Sterling, like a boss.  However, she was a bit less savvy with new co-worker Dawn.  Sure, things started off OK!  When the ambitious copywriter learned that Dawn had been forced to spend the night at the office, out of fear for her own safety, she gallantly invited the latter back to her home  so they could get wasted together for a few drinks and some Girl Time Bonding . . .

(By the way, Peggy’s becoming a bit of a lush.  Don’t you think?)

(Then again, I guess it takes one to know one . . . )

Of course, she then proceeded to make poor Dawn feel like a crook, when she very blatantly eyed her newly chock-full-of-cash purse, before leaving the latter to sleep on her couch for the night.  Oops!

Speaking of socially awkward . . . New Guy, Michael Ginsburg, is actually growing on me, ugly suit preferences and all . . .

“I’m sexy and I know it.” 

(Even though the way he painted the “Cinderella Meets Prince Charming” story as a thinly-veiled Date Rape Scenario, during a pitch meeting, means I’ll probably never watch Once Upon a Time the same way, ever again  .  . .)

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 And that was Mad Men in a Lazy Recapper’s nutshell!  What did YOU think of the episode?

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You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Why You Should Always Be Kind to the Elderly . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Princess Dowry”

It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .

Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows.  If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired.  Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.

The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.

Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late.  Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise.  That’s true.  🙂

However,  I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit.  I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now  (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”

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On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry”  though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it.  Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box.  That Grandma Cece!  She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Where there’s a will, there’s a wake . . .

We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director.  Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice.  So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.”  (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)

Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece.  As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings!  She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.

Talk about getting the last laugh!  Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show.  Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season.  I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle.  (Well, that was fast.  She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)

(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)

Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola.  This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed.  (I guess Chuck’s employed too.  But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money .  . . with Blair . . . naked.)

Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.”  He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had.  But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.”  In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls.  She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much.  Unfortunately . . .

“RING, RING, RING”

Lola: “Hello?”

Serena: “Hi, New Family Member.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Lola: “Nope.  Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”

Serena:  “It was bound to happen sometime!  Listen,  I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff.  That’s cool.  I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake.  P.S. I always lie.”

Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”

Serena: “Welcome to my world!”

Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso.  (Don’t they have servants for that?)

Because this isn’t homoerotic at all  . . .

He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding.  Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair.  So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.

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 Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right?  WRONG!  But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .

Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent.  Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?).  She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.

“Psst telemarketer.  I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house.   So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.” 

Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection.  It’s just another day in Humphreyland!  No big deal!  Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .

“I love wakes and funerals.  Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.” 

Hurricane Georgina rides again

Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition.  Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town.  After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late.  (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be.  Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience.  Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show.  Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.

Just some food for thought . . .

Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing.  And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0.  Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified.  When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.

Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls  . . .

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself.  Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season.  Now,  that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, so is this  . . .

Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .

Wakey, Wakey . . .

Now, I’m not Irish.  But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.

 “OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game.  Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“

It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch.  And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun.  Actually, that’s not true.  What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.

Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .

All hail, Chuck Bass.  He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love.  (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.)  Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.

You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts.  Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts.  Not Rufus 2.0 though.  Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl.  (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)

Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all .   . .  sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation.  She doesn’t believe what she’s reading.  Not Humpty Humphrey!  He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he?  (That would require him to have a personality.)

Ah, but he HAS done it.  And he’s willing to admit it too.  At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown.  Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.

SHE FORGAVE HIM?  JUST LIKE THAT???  REALLY?  Is there no justice in this world?

While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone.  Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?

A Tale of Two Charlies

Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene.  and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake.  (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!)  There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.

That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes.  We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .

What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena.  While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.

Take that 1%ers!

Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks.  Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building.  As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will.  Go figure.

“Hey Cece!  Good to see ya.  You’ve never looked better!”

For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates.  When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”

“I swear!  Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.” 

Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to .  . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance.  And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY.   Wow,  she must really hate her family, A LOT!

Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders.  After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .

Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did.  For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally.   For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.

Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .

I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan.  But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did.  I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more.   But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .

Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her.  Really?  Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena?  THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family?  I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still  . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.

My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it.  And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes.  But hey, what the heck do I know?

In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again.  That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER.  Predictable.  Shocking, I know . . .

“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?” 

“ME!  Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.” 

“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. .  .  the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time.  How’s that for pathetic?  But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment.  Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets.  However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .

Don’t do it, Blair .  . .

Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television:  “DON’T GO IN THERE!”  “LOCK THE DOOR!”  “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.”  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”

Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.”  Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom.  I knew it was coming.  And I dreaded it like the plague.  But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . .  It was quite frustrating, really.

Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video.  Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding.  As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .

“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.”  (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)

 . . .  making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.

Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison.  Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment,  Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.

“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.” 

Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .

Rhymes with Ditch . . .

Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup.  And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”

“AHHHH!  He’s suffocating me!  Make it stop!”

OK, so let me get this straight.  Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to  Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan?  I don’t buy it.  After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?

Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan.  At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place.  (SURPRISE!)  Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe.  So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself.  It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!

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And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING?  Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately?  The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down.  But this one just pouts and walks away.  Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .

Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season.  Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals.  But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own.  No me gusta.

Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping.  “It’s different this time.  She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century!  Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf.  However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information.  It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.

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The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .

In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time.  Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?

Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again?  Gahhhh . . .  is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?

Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex.  Hooray!

“Please don’t make me kiss him again.  Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”

Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.

Yes, Donut Dan.  She knows your name.  Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is  . . .

And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell.  When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack  . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . .  After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his.  How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.

Slug or Stud?  You decide . . .

 That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do).  You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .

Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]